Yo yo yo! We are not hosting a children’s Game of Thrones-themed birthday party with Obama as the entertainment/clown, as this picture might indicate. But we ARE conveying to you the state of the State of the Union of 2012! Which — here that thing is. The boring old Oval Office has already LEAKED INFORMATIONS about what this particular SOTU will contain, but Obama’s ability to be spontaneous, irate, drunk and giggly in public leads us to believe this thing will be worth watching. When’s the soonest that we will have money and jobs again? What is money, anyway? What is a president? And so on. Please stay for the breakdown of the breakdown, and play our SOTU 2012 game of drinks while you’re at it. Let the standing and clapping and announcements of free cash payouts to every American except Romney and a few others begin!
9:00 PM — So what are the big colors for spring???? I see lots of oranges, royal blues, Kelly greens. Oops wrong blog.
9:02 PM — Just one more thing about FASHAWN. Hillary Clinton’s hair is the Person of the Year 2012.
9:05 PM — Can the natural human condition generate the kind of cheers and whoops that were just uttered? What I mean to say is, what kind of sick bottle service happens prior to this event? Drink every time you hear what sounds like a woman clapping.
9:09 PM — GABRIEL GIFFORDS SIGHTING. TOAST GIFFORDS PRIOR TO DRINKING.
9:11 PM — Boehner, you whisky-loving son of a gun, you are too tanned, monsieur.
9:12 PM — Obama opens with a reminder that Happy January, War Is Over. “For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq. For the first time in nine years, Osama Bin Laden is not a threat to this country.”
9:14 PM — “…A future where we are in control of our own energy.” IT HAS BEEN FIVE MINUTES and The Future, that poor punching bag of time, has already been mentioned.
9:15 PM — “The defining future of our time is how to keep that promise” — the promise that the Greatest Generation fulfilled, so he is now name-checking both Grandfather Time and Future Baby Time.
9:17 PM — Anyone watching the “enhanced” live feed on the White House website? It is basically a PowerPoint, zzz.
9:18 PM — Jobs have apparently been created. They remain in a hologram state until further notice.
9:19 PM — THAT WAS A WEIRD POWERPOINT SLIDE. There was like a circle around the Wall Street bull’s nostril? “This nostril is the defining nostril of our time.”
9:20 PM — Yes, naturellement, tonight he is going from War Is Over to General Motors is YUGE, haven’t you noticed? Lots of cheers for General Motors being #1 again.
9:21 PM — “And tonight, the American auto industry is back! What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries.” Well, actually, Detroit is noooooot doing so well, Barry. But fine. Point for Barry.
9:23 PM — Obama is pointing out that American companies whose employees get outsourced currently get tax deductions for doing so. It should OBVS be the opposite: get breaks if you bring jobs back home. But ummm, what about the fact that overseas labor is disgustingly cheap?
9:26 PM — “I will go anywhere in the world for new markets for American products.” Well, this is a big turnaround from where Obama stood last year. But will he act on it? That is the question.
9:27 PM — Oh, but he’s also unveiling a Trade Enforcement Unit, to get rid of shitty pirated crap.
9:29 PM — Skill training! The Prez shared an anecdote about a woman named Jackie who was able to get skill training for a job when Siemens partnered with a community college. She trained for a job, then she got said job. And then he was all, it would be nice if more than one person could have that happen for them.
9:31 PM — EDUCASHAWN time. “Reward the best” teachers. “Teach with creativity and passion. Stop teaching with the test.” OOoohoooo.
9:32 PM — Stiffer enrollment requirements, namely kids need to stay in school “until they graduate or turn 18.” He’s also talking about work-study jobs. Surely you are not speaking of cleaning toilets and removing hair from drains while learning pre-calculus?
9:34 PM — Hello, Occupy movement. Obama sent a message to the campus occupiers and universities by warning universities not to continue raising tuition. Woohoo! Oh but right, he is not a magician.
9:36 PM — What is happening with Obama’s voice tonight? He’s doing a weird gravelly thing that emphasizes important words like “last” and “every” and “worked” and “struggled.”
9:37 PM — STEVE JOBS.
9:38 PM — Oh god, moneeeeeeey. Still we have to ask how all the magical things delivered by unicorns are going to be paid for. These are great priorities but they are so damn expensive, man. Not to sound like an elephant but what would he cut???? Besides the military????
9:42 PM — Shale gas. No dude, do not go there. “The payoffs don’t always come right away.” In other words, “First we have to deal with all the lawsuits from the people who are poisoned by drinking shale-water, but in 2032, when we have cured cancer…!”
9:43 PM — We’re going to “flight climate change.” We’re going to send it on a mission to Pluto, non-planet extraordinaire.
9:44 PM — And now we handing things over to our Chief Intra-Word Pause Analyst, Ken Layne!