DRINK!

Liveblogging the Sorry State of the Union! Which Is Still Around!

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Yo yo yo! We are not hosting a children’s Game of Thrones-themed birthday party with Obama as the entertainment/clown, as this picture might indicate. But we ARE conveying to you the state of the State of the Union of 2012! Which — here that thing is. The boring old Oval Office has already LEAKED INFORMATIONS about what this particular SOTU will contain, but Obama’s ability to be spontaneous, irate, drunk and giggly in public leads us to believe this thing will be worth watching. When’s the soonest that we will have money and jobs again? What is money, anyway? What is a president? And so on. Please stay for the breakdown of the breakdown, and play our SOTU 2012 game of drinks while you’re at it. Let the standing and clapping and announcements of free cash payouts to every American except Romney and a few others begin!

9:00 PM — So what are the big colors for spring???? I see lots of oranges, royal blues, Kelly greens. Oops wrong blog.
9:02 PM — Just one more thing about FASHAWN. Hillary Clinton’s hair is the Person of the Year 2012.
9:05 PM — Can the natural human condition generate the kind of cheers and whoops that were just uttered? What I mean to say is, what kind of sick bottle service happens prior to this event? Drink every time you hear what sounds like a woman clapping.
9:09 PM — GABRIEL GIFFORDS SIGHTING. TOAST GIFFORDS PRIOR TO DRINKING.
9:11 PM — Boehner, you whisky-loving son of a gun, you are too tanned, monsieur.
9:12 PM — Obama opens with a reminder that Happy January, War Is Over. “For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq. For the first time in nine years, Osama Bin Laden is not a threat to this country.”
9:14 PM — “…A future where we are in control of our own energy.” IT HAS BEEN FIVE MINUTES and The Future, that poor punching bag of time, has already been mentioned.
9:15 PM — “The defining future of our time is how to keep that promise” — the promise that the Greatest Generation fulfilled, so he is now name-checking both Grandfather Time and Future Baby Time.
9:17 PM — Anyone watching the “enhanced” live feed on the White House website? It is basically a PowerPoint, zzz.
9:18 PM — Jobs have apparently been created. They remain in a hologram state until further notice.
9:19 PM — THAT WAS A WEIRD POWERPOINT SLIDE. There was like a circle around the Wall Street bull’s nostril? “This nostril is the defining nostril of our time.”
9:20 PM — Yes, naturellement, tonight he is going from War Is Over to General Motors is YUGE, haven’t you noticed? Lots of cheers for General Motors being #1 again.
9:21 PM — “And tonight, the American auto industry is back! What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries.” Well, actually, Detroit is noooooot doing so well, Barry. But fine. Point for Barry.
9:23 PM — Obama is pointing out that American companies whose employees get outsourced currently get tax deductions for doing so. It should OBVS be the opposite: get breaks if you bring jobs back home. But ummm, what about the fact that overseas labor is disgustingly cheap?
9:26 PM — “I will go anywhere in the world for new markets for American products.” Well, this is a big turnaround from where Obama stood last year. But will he act on it? That is the question.
9:27 PM — Oh, but he’s also unveiling a Trade Enforcement Unit, to get rid of shitty pirated crap.
9:29 PM — Skill training! The Prez shared an anecdote about a woman named Jackie who was able to get skill training for a job when Siemens partnered with a community college. She trained for a job, then she got said job. And then he was all, it would be nice if more than one person could have that happen for them.
9:31 PM — EDUCASHAWN time. “Reward the best” teachers. “Teach with creativity and passion. Stop teaching with the test.” OOoohoooo.
9:32 PM — Stiffer enrollment requirements, namely kids need to stay in school “until they graduate or turn 18.” He’s also talking about work-study jobs. Surely you are not speaking of cleaning toilets and removing hair from drains while learning pre-calculus?
9:34 PM — Hello, Occupy movement. Obama sent a message to the campus occupiers and universities by warning universities not to continue raising tuition. Woohoo! Oh but right, he is not a magician.
9:36 PM — What is happening with Obama’s voice tonight? He’s doing a weird gravelly thing that emphasizes important words like “last” and “every” and “worked” and “struggled.”
9:37 PM — STEVE JOBS.
9:38 PM — Oh god, moneeeeeeey. Still we have to ask how all the magical things delivered by unicorns are going to be paid for. These are great priorities but they are so damn expensive, man. Not to sound like an elephant but what would he cut???? Besides the military????
9:42 PM — Shale gas. No dude, do not go there. “The payoffs don’t always come right away.” In other words, “First we have to deal with all the lawsuits from the people who are poisoned by drinking shale-water, but in 2032, when we have cured cancer…!”
9:43 PM — We’re going to “flight climate change.” We’re going to send it on a mission to Pluto, non-planet extraordinaire.
9:44 PM — And now we handing things over to our Chief Intra-Word Pause Analyst, Ken Layne!

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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737 comments

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Hope they had to go through metal detectors to be there. I smell trouble from a Joe (see Wilson or Walsh).

  2. SorosBot

    Gah turned on the TV a little too soon and had to catch the end of some crappy reality show about fat people trying to lose weight.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      In a retirement community, Pat Buchanan is delivering his twentieth State of the Confederacy.

      Fixed.

  3. KathrynSane

    Say what you want about how shitty this country is–Gabrielle Giffords looks great and it's amazing that she's there.

    Gabby for Prez? I'm sure she still has a bigger brain than all the GOP candidates combined.

  4. philpjfry

    Which will be the first Republican/supreme court justice to do something attentiuon grabbing and totaly humiliating. If they actualy felt shame. Cocksuckers all of 'em

    1. Fare la Volpe

      That is a spurious insult against cocksuckers, a group of people with grace and skill deserving of our admiration.

  5. Terry

    At times like this, you really miss Trafficant's thrift store leisure suits. Not much else about him to miss other than his wigs.

  6. marinmaven

    Rep. Doug Lamborn (R- Colorado) says he isn't going to the State of the Union tonight.

    You know who else isn't going to be watching the State of the Union?

  7. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I have this fear of Michele Bachmann jumping out and putting a strangle hold on Hopey that no one can break.

  8. SorosBot

    I do love the enthusiasm of some of the House Democrats here. Also Brian Williams' blather is boring.

  9. starfanglednut

    OT, but this is my first liveblog. I can't do the debates, cuz every time one of those fuckers opens his mouth, they say something that makes me so angry it takes 3 days to calm down. Can't afford the therapy, frankly.

  10. Terry

    My elderly father called to make sure I'm watching because he's hoping this speech really pisses off the Republicans.

    1. HistoriCat

      The State of the Union speech is being delivered by a Negro and a Democrat. Of course it will piss off the Republicans.

  11. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Hey, that one lady in the audience looks like Hillary Clinton! Whatever happened to her, I wonder…

  12. Barb

    Bammers just handed Boehner a large envelope. I hope there is a pink slip in there and an x-ray of his shriveled liver. "You're fired and it looks like God is about to fire you, too"

    1. NellCote71

      Hey, Boner is a jobz creator. Think of all the unemployed tanning salon operators if he were to leave.

  13. Fare la Volpe

    Maybe it's just my shitty TV, but Joe, Barry, and Johnny are working the full spectrum of orange tonight.

  14. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Why is the NPR audio feed for these things always a half-second behind the TV? (Probly something to do with the speed of sound, I don't "get" science…)

  15. AlterNewt

    If he says 'moving forward' or 'meet half way' or anything about 'people telling their stories' I'm going to….well…I'm going to be very sad.

  16. ifthethunderdontgetya

    "The War on Iraq made us safer and more respected around the world."

    DRINK! Republican framing and talking point. And a lie.

    Sorry, folks, but I can't handle this war glorification b.s.

    Peace!
    ~

  17. KathrynSane

    I love how his voice oh-so-slightly quavered in apprehension while saying "We can do this! I know we can!" Oh, Bammz.

  18. ejcsanfran

    So, I guess we're just going to pretend the whole "urinating on dead bodies" video doesn't exist…

  19. GlowneyHouse

    You can almost see the thought balloon over Boehner's head with a martini glass being filled.

  20. MissNancyPriss

    how hard would it be for someone to plunge a tiny syringe of something into the flabby shoulder ofna scalia or an alito?

  21. Barb

    I hope Bammers and Biden had a double helping of Senate bean soup and Boehner just has to sit there and take it. You think those Navy SEALS were silent but deadly?

  22. SorosBot

    The American economic promise was great – until Reagan and the Bushes destroyed it. While this country has gotten a great deal better since the 50s in terms of minority rights and personal liberty, it's gotten much worse for economic equality.

    1. HistoriCat

      I'm beginning to think those conditions are related. Were wealthier people more willing to pay taxes before the result were directly benefitting blah people?

      1. SorosBot

        I think it's more that poor white racists became more willing to get fucked in favor of the rich once benefits started helping blah people too.

  23. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Joe Biden's tie is doing evil visual-distortion things on my old TV. Not that you yuppies with HD sets would know…

  24. BarackMyWorld

    Remember…Any mention of anything that happened prior to Jan. 2009 is just him blaming Bush.

  25. Designer_Rants

    Boehner looks like he wishes he hadn't drank that last half-bottle of bourbon before the State Of The Union address.

    Sleep or Barf? Both? CSPAN has hi-def now, so make a show of it.

  26. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    I really want to see a GM line worker ask at one of the R debates: So, why do you think America would be better off if my employer had folded?

  27. SorosBot

    And of course, gah, there were some boos from the back of the chamber when he talks about how well the auto bailout worked.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      What's sad is that there was a point while he was Speaker he actually tried being gracious to the Democrats in speeches a few times.

    2. Terry

      A boring lecture focusing on the high esteem in which holds himself. The rest will be a flurry of lies.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Someone remind later to post the chart I made comparing the unemployment rate under Obama to the unemployment rate under Pres. Reagan.

  29. Negropolis

    We will not go back!

    Tell 'em. Oh, and thanks for the shout out to Detroit, Mr. President. We do appreciate it.

    Romney win Michigan? Yeah fuckin' Right.

  30. Fare la Volpe

    Yeah, it makes sense to bring jobs back home because Americans are desperate enough to work at Chinese wages.

  31. littlebigdaddy

    Of course if Barry is too good, it will undermine Newt's argument that he can beat Bammers in a debate, which is bad.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Sadly, some people think winning a debate doesn't mean being more convincing, but just talking louder and sounding like the biggest asshole.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      He looks like a ticked off patron at the Olive Garden: "I asked for creamy marinara and what you brought me is watery tomato."

  32. Negropolis

    Obama should just cold stop his speech, point at Cantor, and yell "Get out. Get the hell out!" And then watch as the seargent at arms walk him out with so much quietness you could hear a mouse piss on the House floor.

  33. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Eric Cantor will only allow incentives for American manufacturing if they're offset in cuts to disaster aid.

  34. GlowneyHouse

    But the playing fields have NEVER been level. And we have worked very hard to keep them that way

  35. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    So, what, to sit next to Michelle all I gotta do is go to voc-ed classes? NOW you tell me….

    1. OurHoboSenator

      If the Repubs win in November, Medicare will pay for lasers mounted on Hoverounds for all the teabaggers.

  36. SorosBot

    Great, the President's telling everyone they need to watch Community! Get the word out!

    (Wait, what's that you said he really meant…?)

  37. Fukui_sanYesOta

    He's right with vocational community college stuff. Not every kid is going to be an exec and people have to fucking deal with that.

  38. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Obama wants to take the profit out of student loans! Shouldn't lenders be able to repossess students?

  39. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Al Franken! I hope he's sitting next to a Republican and whispering "your candidate will lose" repeatedly.

  40. iburl

    Top 10 things that the Republicans wish they could pull out of their pockets right now…

    10. Twitter enabled phone
    9. Earplugs
    8. Weaponry
    7. Rentboy.com enabled phone

    1. finallyhappy

      first keeping kids in school keeps those elementary school kids from working with the janitor

  41. SorosBot

    Keep college costs down? But then how will they afford the $5,000,000 salary for their football coaches?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Same way they do now – nutbar alums who will spend that for football but not a dime on humanities.

  42. CHUDster_Arthur

    "Those who do not walk the stage, dance the pole. And those who dance the pole, ride the dragon."

  43. Negropolis

    Barry just said he's done his job on immigration within the confines of this horrible and narrow law, now it's time for them to make things better.

        1. Negropolis

          Yeah, just sayin' that any Mexican worth his or her salt would never name their restaurant that. lol

  44. BarackMyWorld

    I'm not down with this threatening to cut university budgets if they don't lower tuition…seems like it'd have the opposite effect. Especially when the higher tuition is because funding has already been cut so much.

  45. IndianaKevin

    Both parties agree on these things; put 'em in a bill and get it on my desk this year, he says. No, Mr. Preznit, cause then you get credit, and we can't have that!

  46. Negropolis

    Barry's just laying down the fact that he has out-Republicaned Republicans on energy exploration, so, they should sure as hell be willing to give a little on renewables.

  47. PlanetWingNut

    Ricky Perry, is watching this from home saying THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY JOB!!! MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FOR SAKEN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

  48. Terry

    Each time the camera pans across the chamber, I wonder which one of them will have their freak closet flung open next.

  49. Negropolis

    LOVE the fact that he made the distinction between natural gas and truly clean energy, 'cause frackin' ain't clean, let me tell you.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yeah, like pumping chemical shit into the water supplies isn't going to cause problems. Don't get me started.

  50. flamingpdog

    Developing a resource with endangering the health of our people? BURN the RIVERS, LEVEL the MOUNTAINS – the buffalo in Yellowstone need those oil rigs to rub the excess fur off of their bodies.

  51. e_z

    Boners cheeks are getting flushed but his eyes are dead. A plus for him is the lip twitch thing going on. I fully expect a Lizard tongue to come whipping out to wipe his eyes, like a Ralph Steadman cartoon come to life.

  52. Fare la Volpe

    Uh oh, feel the wingnut heads exploding over talk of "climate change" – that shit ain't in the Bible ya Moslem!

  53. SorosBot

    "The difference in this chamber may be too great" means the Republicans have been obstructive douchebags.

  54. Negropolis

    YES! Presidential order for clean energy on public lands, to-fuckin'-night! Fuck drilling in Yellowstone, let's put some turbines up on that btich!

  55. MittBorg

    He just kicked the Pubs flat again. Oh sweet jeebus. He's got an amazing fcking idea for the energies the energies. ZOMG. (faints)

    Send me a bill! (faints again)

  56. Designer_Rants

    Please excuse if this has already asked, but… What is going on with John Kerry's face? Was there an all out knock-down drag-out erupting before the cameras turned on?

  57. ejcsanfran

    OH JESUS! He just mentioned the HOOVER Dam. Do we really need to hear any Hoover references in an election year? Ill-advised…

  58. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Investment is socialism. We must undo the socialist errors of the past and dismantle the Commie/ Nazi interstate highway system!

  59. Negropolis

    Government has a role in building infrastructure. Deal with it, GOP. Deal with it and like it.

    Honestly, this is his best SOTU, yet. I mean, by far. He's found his voice.

  60. FakaktaSouth

    I like the "send me the bills" "put in on my desk" "DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS ASSHOLES" part of this. Kinda shuts up the "do-nothing president" nonsensical bullshit – not that it matters that it's bullshit, they'll say it anyway…I wish they'd cut to Boner actually saying the "hell no you can't thing" just for perspective

  61. flamingpdog

    Um, I've been in the environmental end of the highway business for 32 year. When I hear about "cutting red tape" in the highway construction business, I know what that means. I hope Hopey doesn't mean that.

        1. MittBorg

          You do realize that haf the female population of America probably has wet pants for this man, right?

          And as for the male population, they're NOT TELLING!!

  62. Mumbletypeg

    "Nation-building right here at home." That's not the morally weak Barry talking.
    If I thought he'd feel like singing I'd suggest "Love Can Build a Bridge." But I doubt he knows any tunes by The Judds.

  63. Negropolis

    I tell you, the Republicans are going to be pissed when they go full spin after this speech. This is going to drive them up the fucking wall.

  64. flamingpdog

    Wait a minute – he's dumping on the buyers of toxic mortgages? Sounds like Timmeh still has Barry's ear.

  65. Wadisay

    …with a rule like that, I guess it was worth crying over spilled milk…

    Thank you, I'll be here all week. Please tip your pages.

  66. FakaktaSouth

    Stand up and clap for this equal pussy payment shit, you hear? Also, clean food. I like clean food.

  67. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    In other news, an epaulet on Maxine Waters' dress metastasized, devouring her entire shoulder.

  68. Negropolis

    We are not bailing you out ever again. Tell 'em.

    Your ass has been kicked off the gravy train, you fuckers.

  69. So Tired

    Isn't that the same lighting from The Blues Brothers? When they knew they were on a mission from Gawd?

  70. Negropolis

    Yes. Equalizing the rate for those that make money on money, and those that make money on working. 'Bout damned time.

  71. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    We could pay off the deficit if we simply got all those poors to turn in their cell phones.

  72. SkinnyNerd

    Is somebody seriously transcribing this speech? Dude, just stick a flash drive in that teleprompter.

  73. Negropolis

    Ha! Like the Senate is going to change its rules. Even Barry knows that ain't gonna happen. That's why he almost laughed through his teeth.

  74. FakaktaSouth

    STOP BEING REASONABLE WITH THESE PEOPLE. STOP IT. Call out Cantor by name. I think it should be illegal for YOU ERIC CANTOR to short sell America and then implement policies to ensure our downfall.

  75. Terry

    How old is Patrick Leahy? He has looked exactly the same for as long as I can remember. Was he born balding and grey haired?

  76. Negropolis

    LOL! He's falling off, a bit. Going back into the bipartisan bullshit with an opposition that is quite literally insane.

  77. littlebigdaddy

    I really wonder why there is not a move afoot as with George Washington ("he'll kick you apart") to make Barry king. He is the most effective president since FDR, and is a better speaker. Maybe because he's blah?

    1. starfanglednut

      It is baffling. Is everybody afraid to confront the evangelists about their condescending "love" of Israel and her people when they really think Jews will go to hell? Do we still feel guilty about world war II?

  78. Negropolis

    Okay, Barry, you're wavering, here. Time to say something nice about Gabby and close this out before you let us down.

  79. Angry_Marmot

    McConnell looks taxidermied. Taxidermied, not stuffed– getting stuffed might change that expression on his face.

  80. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Ooh, a metaphor! Shiny!

    (OK, actually, it really works, too… positively Jed Bartlettesque)

      1. littlebigdaddy

        It plays into the idea that Barry talks a good game but doesn't deliver. (Complete nonsense, as American politics is completely symbolic).

  81. FakaktaSouth

    Now come on rebuttal-tards and lie about everything he said, say what you want without any regard for what his words were, lie lie lie with a sneer on your derisive, bitter, evil faces – after all this positivity, come on dickwads – be who you are.

  82. Fukui_sanYesOta

    That was a truly stunning speech. I might not agree with everything in it (e.g. wrt energy) but that delivery and conviction was amazing. It really shows up the truly pedestrian nature of the current crop of Repub candidates.

    Loving the "no new taxes on the 98% but the 2% are paying more" theme.

  83. Designer_Rants

    Jeez, Mitch Daniels sounds like an old commie with all his talk of reforming taxes so Rich People don't buy as many yachts. What's the deal, Republicans? Don't you like YACHT JOBS?

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, but they were all fucked by their football coaches when they were six, so it is understandable. Mitt is a billlion times worse.

  84. ttommyunger

    After hearing Eric Cantor praise Gabby Giffords tonight, I am convinced he couldn't recite the Lord's Prayer in Church on Easter Sunday without sounding snide and smarmy.

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