Yo yo yo! We are not hosting a children’s Game of Thrones-themed birthday party with Obama as the entertainment/clown, as this picture might indicate. But we ARE conveying to you the state of the State of the Union of 2012! Which — here that thing is. The boring old Oval Office has already LEAKED INFORMATIONS about what this particular SOTU will contain, but Obama’s ability to be spontaneous, irate, drunk and giggly in public leads us to believe this thing will be worth watching. When’s the soonest that we will have money and jobs again? What is money, anyway? What is a president? And so on. Please stay for the breakdown of the breakdown, and play our SOTU 2012 game of drinks while you’re at it. Let the standing and clapping and announcements of free cash payouts to every American except Romney and a few others begin!
9:00 PM — So what are the big colors for spring???? I see lots of oranges, royal blues, Kelly greens. Oops wrong blog.
9:02 PM — Just one more thing about FASHAWN. Hillary Clinton’s hair is the Person of the Year 2012.
9:05 PM — Can the natural human condition generate the kind of cheers and whoops that were just uttered? What I mean to say is, what kind of sick bottle service happens prior to this event? Drink every time you hear what sounds like a woman clapping.
9:09 PM — GABRIEL GIFFORDS SIGHTING. TOAST GIFFORDS PRIOR TO DRINKING.
9:11 PM — Boehner, you whisky-loving son of a gun, you are too tanned, monsieur.
9:12 PM — Obama opens with a reminder that Happy January, War Is Over. “For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq. For the first time in nine years, Osama Bin Laden is not a threat to this country.”
9:14 PM — “…A future where we are in control of our own energy.” IT HAS BEEN FIVE MINUTES and The Future, that poor punching bag of time, has already been mentioned.
9:15 PM — “The defining future of our time is how to keep that promise” — the promise that the Greatest Generation fulfilled, so he is now name-checking both Grandfather Time and Future Baby Time.
9:17 PM — Anyone watching the “enhanced” live feed on the White House website? It is basically a PowerPoint, zzz.
9:18 PM — Jobs have apparently been created. They remain in a hologram state until further notice.
9:19 PM — THAT WAS A WEIRD POWERPOINT SLIDE. There was like a circle around the Wall Street bull’s nostril? “This nostril is the defining nostril of our time.”
9:20 PM — Yes, naturellement, tonight he is going from War Is Over to General Motors is YUGE, haven’t you noticed? Lots of cheers for General Motors being #1 again.
9:21 PM — “And tonight, the American auto industry is back! What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries.” Well, actually, Detroit is noooooot doing so well, Barry. But fine. Point for Barry.
9:23 PM — Obama is pointing out that American companies whose employees get outsourced currently get tax deductions for doing so. It should OBVS be the opposite: get breaks if you bring jobs back home. But ummm, what about the fact that overseas labor is disgustingly cheap?
9:26 PM — “I will go anywhere in the world for new markets for American products.” Well, this is a big turnaround from where Obama stood last year. But will he act on it? That is the question.
9:27 PM — Oh, but he’s also unveiling a Trade Enforcement Unit, to get rid of shitty pirated crap.
9:29 PM — Skill training! The Prez shared an anecdote about a woman named Jackie who was able to get skill training for a job when Siemens partnered with a community college. She trained for a job, then she got said job. And then he was all, it would be nice if more than one person could have that happen for them.
9:31 PM — EDUCASHAWN time. “Reward the best” teachers. “Teach with creativity and passion. Stop teaching with the test.” OOoohoooo.
9:32 PM — Stiffer enrollment requirements, namely kids need to stay in school “until they graduate or turn 18.” He’s also talking about work-study jobs. Surely you are not speaking of cleaning toilets and removing hair from drains while learning pre-calculus?
9:34 PM — Hello, Occupy movement. Obama sent a message to the campus occupiers and universities by warning universities not to continue raising tuition. Woohoo! Oh but right, he is not a magician.
9:36 PM — What is happening with Obama’s voice tonight? He’s doing a weird gravelly thing that emphasizes important words like “last” and “every” and “worked” and “struggled.”
9:37 PM — STEVE JOBS.
9:38 PM — Oh god, moneeeeeeey. Still we have to ask how all the magical things delivered by unicorns are going to be paid for. These are great priorities but they are so damn expensive, man. Not to sound like an elephant but what would he cut???? Besides the military????
9:42 PM — Shale gas. No dude, do not go there. “The payoffs don’t always come right away.” In other words, “First we have to deal with all the lawsuits from the people who are poisoned by drinking shale-water, but in 2032, when we have cured cancer…!”
9:43 PM — We’re going to “flight climate change.” We’re going to send it on a mission to Pluto, non-planet extraordinaire.
9:44 PM — And now we handing things over to our Chief Intra-Word Pause Analyst, Ken Layne!
{ 737 comments }
I hope Bammers does this with his shirt off.
I hope Boehner will put his trenchcoat on.
I hope he sings Al Green.
Yum!
I spy with my little eye something orange. And hateful.
The annoying orange?
and a "Just Pathetic" crybaby?
Agent Orange?
Is he crying? Squirting out some orange tears?
would add a little color to the proceedings!
You Lie!!1!
You LIE-BEL!
Drinking game for non-drinkers:
Drink every time Obama talks about the "Fierce Urgency of Now".
…or quotes anything from ZZ Top.
Yes I'm bad, I'm nationwide.
Pants off, folks. We got business to take care of.
Yeah, like I ever had them on today.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey! Good to see you. I am waiting for my glass of wine to be delivered.
Um, you trying to get us all excited when we're supposed to be drinking?
Who the hell wears pants anymore? Thats what I wanna know.
Not everyone has received their Forever Lazy in the mail.
Is that the thing with the butt opening? Cuz I'd be embarrassed, and I live alone.
Ha! It's the 'Slanket Generation".
Hope they had to go through metal detectors to be there. I smell trouble from a Joe (see Wilson or Walsh).
Gah turned on the TV a little too soon and had to catch the end of some crappy reality show about fat people trying to lose weight.
Drink!
that IS the state of the union, dontcha know
This woman was bloated, desperate and crying; yeah that's pretty much it.
That's why she needs a drink.
Newt?
Nah, her boobs were too small to be Newt.
Welcome to Christie's America.
I love my C-SPAN.
Gabby looks incredible.
More integrity in her little finger than Lou Sarah and all her spawn.
Look at Gabby Giffords. What a class act she is.
Elliot Spitzer in on Olbermann's show. I like Elliot.
Me, too. Too bad he was fond of the hookers yet responsible enough to resign.
He's incredibly smart and knowledgeable… and not just about hookers.
I find him sexy knowing that he has a wild side.
David "Babbling" Brooks is on the PBS feed. Barf.
voMitt
better than matt fucking continetti who replaced him on npr tonight.
gross.
I hate his "aw shucks," "who me?" routine.
And also that his son idolizes Boner(!).
In an alternate universe, Pat Buchanan is delivering his twentieth State of the Confederacy.
"Tonight I've been asked to address 'The Negro Problem…'"
To an all-aryan congress?
In a retirement community, Pat Buchanan is delivering his twentieth State of the Confederacy.
Fixed.
Gabrielle Giffords looks great.
yeah!
Say what you want about how shitty this country is–Gabrielle Giffords looks great and it's amazing that she's there.
Gabby for Prez? I'm sure she still has a bigger brain than all the GOP candidates combined.
. . . Bigger brain? Goes without saying. And integrity, guts and determination.
Boehner looking like he either needs a smoke or buff the bishop.
I wonder if anyone will have the ballz to shout out, "you lie!"
Gabby Giffords to anyone talking about how murderous rhetoric is "just words"?
I upfist you for that.
Which will be the first Republican/supreme court justice to do something attentiuon grabbing and totaly humiliating. If they actualy felt shame. Cocksuckers all of 'em
That is a spurious insult against cocksuckers, a group of people with grace and skill deserving of our admiration.
You are absolutely right. My appology to honest cocksuckers everywhere
who yelled no,no?
Well, OK, a glimpse of Gabby Giffords and I'm turning weepy already.
How about a drink for every time our President adopts Republican framing and/or talking points?
~
I think I'd die from alcohol poisoning.
Liz honey, tell them to RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Our minds are on fire with blogging knowledge.
At times like this, you really miss Trafficant's thrift store leisure suits. Not much else about him to miss other than his wigs.
Rep. Doug Lamborn (R- Colorado) says he isn't going to the State of the Union tonight.
You know who else isn't going to be watching the State of the Union?
Ted Bundy?
Stevie Wonder?
Blind Lemon Jefferson?
Dubya Bush?
Reagan?
Usama Bin Laden.
Osama bin Laden. Name Check, motherfuckas.
Oh win.
The B-Bear FTW.
Why is weasel face Cantor right behind the President?
Sniffing farts… I hope.
I was thinmking that but didn't want to say it. Thank you.
But if he is behind Obama, it would unicorn, rainbow kind of farts.
Oh oh. There's that little puke Cantor.
Little puke? Don't you know he's a major puke in the House?
I stand corrected.
I have this fear of Michele Bachmann jumping out and putting a strangle hold on Hopey that no one can break.
2 l's would kick her ass.
A succubus of republican hate.
I do love the enthusiasm of some of the House Democrats here. Also Brian Williams' blather is boring.
Turn to MSNBC. You can fap to Maddow and Sharpton's dulcet tones.
No cable here.
http://www.rentadrone.tv/msnbc-live-rockinrooster…
I will always be grateful to the fine Wonketeer who provided this link a few weeks ago. Ole!
OT, but this is my first liveblog. I can't do the debates, cuz every time one of those fuckers opens his mouth, they say something that makes me so angry it takes 3 days to calm down. Can't afford the therapy, frankly.
My elderly father called to make sure I'm watching because he's hoping this speech really pisses off the Republicans.
If only.
The State of the Union speech is being delivered by a Negro and a Democrat. Of course it will piss off the Republicans.
I bet Alito skipped out this year.
Did Hopey just shake his hand?
I think they said only 5 Justices were there.
He has some important fapping to do.
Hey, that one lady in the audience looks like Hillary Clinton! Whatever happened to her, I wonder…
She's gone back to her hairstyle from her days in Arkansas.
I love Barry! That was beautiful.
Giffords!! Hugs!!
Awwww, ((((huggles))) for Gabby and Bammers.
Oh my, there is something in my eye…
And that hug; just let me wipe a tear from my eye here.
Well I've got Brain Williams again (I get NBC and ION).
Don't hate me if I switch to Criminal Minds reruns from the real thing in D.C.
Last night was kind of rough.
~
Forgive me if I repost this, but it's useful: http://www.rentadrone.tv/msnbc-live-rockinrooster…
Awww, look at Hopey hugging Gabby.
The hug from Ruth Bader Ginsburg was heartening.
I know that was so sweet, I bet she loathes Alito and the other bastards.
You know, Gabby is gorgeous
She is completely adorable.
I really hope Nancy's back up there behind him at next year's speech.
me too
from your mouth to god's ear.
Bammers just handed Boehner a large envelope. I hope there is a pink slip in there and an x-ray of his shriveled liver. "You're fired and it looks like God is about to fire you, too"
Hey, Boner is a jobz creator. Think of all the unemployed tanning salon operators if he were to leave.
Ah the revenge of all those Barclay cigarettes and bourbon.
Why was Eric Cantor behind Obama…besides licking his shoes like the dog he is…
Stand up, you turds.
Orange speaks1
IT LIVES!!!
Imitation of Life.
My new nickname for Boehner:
Honey Glazed Ham.
I call him "the morphine drip"
Somebody yell at Boehner that he lies.
On a tanning bed!
How it must kill Boner to say it is an honor to present the President. Good I hope he chokes
The orange speaks..
Has Joe Biden been visiting the tanning salon along with Boehner?
No, Prez. Hopey is making them both look weird.
Troops home from Iraq, yay!
Maybe it's just my shitty TV, but Joe, Barry, and Johnny are working the full spectrum of orange tonight.
Yes! I see it!
My theory: Barry's got a new Cheeto Bath, and Boner's willing to put partisan differences aside to get some of that bronzin' bubblins.
Biden is still awake. *drink*
He's daydreaming about his Camaro to stay awake
Or the puppy he was sporting around inaugural time, cute little German Shepherd.
Over/under on how long into the speech before Obama bro-ices Boehner?
Biden looks weepy.
He met Gabby just before. You'd be weepy too.
Well, you told me!
Ray Odierno is one mean looking mofo.
Why is the NPR audio feed for these things always a half-second behind the TV? (Probly something to do with the speed of sound, I don't "get" science…)
It's the tubes.
What does this have to do with the internet?
I got Osama, bitches; remember that!
Drink! Plus Tollee Bon, love it
That's right! I said it! Osama, bitches!
Jinx!
Buy me a Coke!
Osama bin Laden sleeps with the fishes, bipartisan cheering
Killed by blah, doesn't count.
If he says 'moving forward' or 'meet half way' or anything about 'people telling their stories' I'm going to….well…I'm going to be very sad.
Boehner's hair looks like the product of a 3D printer.
I was thinking it looks like plasticine clay.
I like how he says Tolly-bon and Pock-iston. Correct pronunciation.
"The War on Iraq made us safer and more respected around the world."
DRINK! Republican framing and talking point. And a lie.
Sorry, folks, but I can't handle this war glorification b.s.
Peace!
~
FOX Headline: Obama calls for Military Dictatorship!
In your ugly orange face, Mr. Speaker.
Boner is tearing up with shame… only 2 minutes in…:)
Eh, he's just wondering if eating six Activias today was really a good idea.
"Ac-tivíaaaaa!"
Osama??? Obama??? I'm confused!
I love how his voice oh-so-slightly quavered in apprehension while saying "We can do this! I know we can!" Oh, Bammz.
So, I guess we're just going to pretend the whole "urinating on dead bodies" video doesn't exist…
Why must you piss on the SOTU address?
No wars, but lotz of Afghan Weddings to bomb!!!
Bammers Grandpa was in Patton's Army? Kenya had a Patton too?
Awful, yet funny, and almost *never* tasteless. How dya do it, dammit.
Rednecks: "You liar your grandparents were in Africa!"
You can almost see the thought balloon over Boehner's head with a martini glass being filled.
how hard would it be for someone to plunge a tiny syringe of something into the flabby shoulder ofna scalia or an alito?
Scalito. They've become one.
HA!
Obama wants us to follow the troops' example. Does this mean I can piss on Republicans?
I wish he would just turn around and bitch slap Boner.
With his dick.
or yours.
What do you have against Fare here?
I like the idea of Volpe just swinging his, doubtless, enormous member at Boners face.
The state of the union: obese and vacuous.
…triumphed over fascism…
GOP boos.
Working together? Wow, is he ever divisive.
Vets and Middle Class, WWII grandparents. Drink and bong hit
Fox headline: OBAMA ADVOCATES SOCIALIST "FAIRNESS" PLAN
But rules don't apply to billionaires!
What's that? You must mean "Job Creators!"
In other words a world without republicans
Fair share, fair play, fair bunch of cunts on the other side of the aisle.
Conservatives: "He just went from real warfare to class warfare!"
I hope Bammers and Biden had a double helping of Senate bean soup and Boehner just has to sit there and take it. You think those Navy SEALS were silent but deadly?
The American economic promise was great – until Reagan and the Bushes destroyed it. While this country has gotten a great deal better since the 50s in terms of minority rights and personal liberty, it's gotten much worse for economic equality.
I'm beginning to think those conditions are related. Were wealthier people more willing to pay taxes before the result were directly benefitting blah people?
I think it's more that poor white racists became more willing to get fucked in favor of the rich once benefits started helping blah people too.
Fair share, fair shot, same set of rules!!!
You tell 'em, Mr. President!
Joe Biden's tie is doing evil visual-distortion things on my old TV. Not that you yuppies with HD sets would know…
I have that- Husband is watching something DVR'd on the good big TV
Yeah, Hopey! Address that fuckin income inequality. "everybody plays by the same rules". This means you, Mittens!
You Cry! (Preferably yelled at Boner by an outgoing-nothing-to-lose-congresswoman Giffords)
Yay jobs!
OH NOESSSSSSSS
FACTS!!!!!!
Konservative Kryptonite!
Millions of jobs, fuck you Mittens and your lies.
Remember…Any mention of anything that happened prior to Jan. 2009 is just him blaming Bush.
OK I couldn't possibly keep up with the Wonkette drinking rules at this part.
New Rules!
Look at Boner's face, he is loaded.
I so miss the Pelosi blink count.
Job creation. More tearing our country apart.
He's going to do magic tricks. I just know it.
His mention of "new rules" reminds me I'd rather be watching Bill Maher. Thanks, Barry.
GIVE IT TO 'EM, BAMMAZ! MAKE IT HURT!
None lube for sure.
I'm loving this Repugly ass-reaming.
Damn. Barry brought an extra helping of sack tonight.
What is Bohenor thinking about? He is obviously not listening
Honey glazed hams?
Soaked in gin!
John Kerry, dude, that's why you wear a cage if you aren't getting paid to play hockey…
Did I just hear heckling?
me too- or is our crappy TVs?
Yeah, I heard that as well. Classless motherfuckers.
Nice underhanded jab at the Republican deregulation plans.
Never again. NEVER.
I wish Barry would have lit up a Lucky after the part about fighting obstruction with action.
Fight obstruction with action(Jackson). Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Presume you are talking about the movie rather than the for real 300 lb dude that met a very sorry end in a Chicago slaughterhouse.
Barry, bring up that ENTIRE AUTO INDUSTRY that you rescued. Do it again. It pleases me.
What is this "manufacturing" he speaks of..?
Sorry, I still like my Mazda. *blasphemy*
Some even said we should let the auto industry die? He's talking about YOU Mittens.
GM. Yay!!
I was hoping her refer to Deeetroit City.
Boehner looks like he wishes he hadn't drank that last half-bottle of bourbon before the State Of The Union address.
Sleep or Barf? Both? CSPAN has hi-def now, so make a show of it.
I really want to see a GM line worker ask at one of the R debates: So, why do you think America would be better off if my employer had folded?
And of course, gah, there were some boos from the back of the chamber when he talks about how well the auto bailout worked.
Biden's tie could cause a seizure
Vertigo tie
lIMEY he's loaded when he doesnt have anything to drink as in full of ______
I've got Twitter open on another tab and Benincasa's practically melting. Bamz must be doing good.
Wow, Joe Biden just passed a really big fart.
Just imagine, if you will, Newt doing the SOTU.
*blork*
Ugh, where is the downfist when I need it?
The word "wheedling" comes to mind.
What's sad is that there was a point while he was Speaker he actually tried being gracious to the Democrats in speeches a few times.
A boring lecture focusing on the high esteem in which holds himself. The rest will be a flurry of lies.
You're not gonna get a whole lotta pee points making yourfellow Wonketteerz sick like this.
"We bet on American workers" Yes, because in 2008, we bet on black!
And in 2010, Repubs bet on orange.
Fuck I hope the loss of uterus doesn't take away your snark.
That's not where I keep mine. Well, not any more.
Someone remind later to post the chart I made comparing the unemployment rate under Obama to the unemployment rate under Pres. Reagan.
Post that chart you told me about, would you, baby?
Since you asked so nicely: http://i1115.photobucket.com/albums/k551/denniver…
We will not go back!
Tell 'em. Oh, and thanks for the shout out to Detroit, Mr. President. We do appreciate it.
Romney win Michigan? Yeah fuckin' Right.
Programming note: "Some people said" = "Romney said".
Yeah, it makes sense to bring jobs back home because Americans are desperate enough to work at Chinese wages.
I would work at the wages of a Tong boss or maybe a Shanghai real estate developer.
I don't think I get the channel that this debate is on. I'll just watch this to get a good idea of how the debate is going.
An yay, unions!
Of course if Barry is too good, it will undermine Newt's argument that he can beat Bammers in a debate, which is bad.
Sadly, some people think winning a debate doesn't mean being more convincing, but just talking louder and sounding like the biggest asshole.
Millwaukee!
Drink!
Has John Kerry been in a pub brawl?
Close, a hockey brawl.
Maybe Teresa has taken up kickboxing
Master Lock is bringing jobs back home.
A silver lining on high rates of incarceration.
Ha!
Or daytime burglaries.
Master Lock is back because stealing is back too
Wow. Rough look for Kerry. Don't mess with those Heinz women.
Pay the taxes you bastards!!!!
ZOMG, he is pounding the FUCK out of the Repuglythugs. Please oh pleez oh pleez.
What was that? Unionized plant in Milwaukee, Wisconsin? Fuck you Scott Walker
Corporations paying their fair share of taxes? Swoon.
Yay Barry
Republicans: not fond of the whole "bringing jobs home" thing
What about the human rights of these Multi-National Corporations?
2012 is going to be a good year.
Obama is in Lock step with his corporate Masters, eh?
Damn, I do believe he's figured out what to do about offshoring and taxes that will make the 99% cream their fucking jeans.
I have a pair of fucking jeans. Show off my ass real nice.
That's because you have a real nice ass, hon.
Look at the Congressional jack-in-the-boxes.
Applause line
SPROING!
Applause line
SPROING!
Biden is scratching like he's got lice
They're called "Veep Cooties"
This would be a really good time to steal silverware at The White house.
Oooh, Widdle Eric looks pissy.
He always looks pissy.
I swear. He's pooping his pants as we speak.
Can you imagine what that's doing to his frilly silks?
Rewarding job creators. Fuckin' Boehner and Cantor hate that idea now.
LOLCantor
Cantor, looking more and more like a weasel
MUSTELID LIBEL!!!
Eric Cantor just shit his pants. He's wearing that "What is that SMELL?" look.
He looks like a ticked off patron at the Olive Garden: "I asked for creamy marinara and what you brought me is watery tomato."
AAAGH!!! Yowza! That's awful, fare. Just awful.
American jobs for Americans! That's the America I love!
Cantor looks especially peeved.
No shit, hahahaha, so to speak.
It's his "time of the term".
snort!
Obama should just cold stop his speech, point at Cantor, and yell "Get out. Get the hell out!" And then watch as the seargent at arms walk him out with so much quietness you could hear a mouse piss on the House floor.
I hate Eric Cantor so much it makes me mad at myself. I HATE him. HAAAAATE.
I hate him with the heat of a thousand Chris Christie farts.
yes
Imported from Detroit. Take that, bitches!
Kerry looks like a Praying Mantis hit the windshield.
Must've been a wind surfing accident.
WTH happened to his face?
New markets – ooh, that's a bit internationalist, isn't it?
oooooo – Cantor is so upset about that jerbs-in-america thing. what a puss.
Chinese pirates. Naughty
Eric Cantor will only allow incentives for American manufacturing if they're offset in cuts to disaster aid.
Come on Cantor. Clap. It will feel good. Try it. You can do it.
It'll kill him, trust me.
I read that as "I'll kill him, trust me" and felt a tiny leap in my heart.
I'm sorry, hon, I has Teh Gimpitude. But if he gets close enough, I promise to wap him with my hiking stick.
Oh cool! Is it all carved with inscrutable runes and inscriptions?
Republicans: groan we want lead in our shit!
This pounding on the economy is going to win us this election. I'm loving this shit.
Now I'm sure I'm down with this trade war stuff.
Is that duct tape in that binder, or is every single page inside one of the plastic things?
ENFORCING LAWS OMG MOAR GOVERMENT PROGRUMS AND MOAR SPENDING!!!!
The ideas of jobs and level playing fields obviously give Boehner a sad.
But the playing fields have NEVER been level. And we have worked very hard to keep them that way
Hehe, "Siemen's."
Ar. Ar, ar, ar.
Jackie should have dashed to the beauty shop before coming.
Be nice…
Sorry. I'll try.
That's just what I said to Mr. THo I mean , c'mon nat'l TV and sitting next to FLOTUS
Detroit is noooooot doing so well, Barry.
But they just signed Prince Fielder for like $200 million so things are looking up.
Siemens – that brings back memories. Also Siemens, giggle.
Hey! Siemans is hiring!
So, what, to sit next to Michelle all I gotta do is go to voc-ed classes? NOW you tell me….
Isn't Germany more productive and also works fewer hours and has real vacation time?
SHUSH! FACTS!
Republicans: skills = job? wha?
Barry speaks so well, and says such intelegent, reasonable things, how can the repubs NOT clap?
Huh-huh…he said semens
I'm not sure I want two million Americans trained to use frickin' lasers.
Just think of all the new business opportunities for eye surgeons and burn units!
I'm more worried about them trying to install them on sharks
If the Repubs win in November, Medicare will pay for lasers mounted on Hoverounds for all the teabaggers.
Businesses like semens?
Fucking boner has darker skin than our POTUS. WTF?
I have to pee and make another martini.
At the same time?
Yep. You should see me at parties.
Educate people?? They can all join the Army: Newt
They can all get jobs as "historians."
Great, the President's telling everyone they need to watch Community! Get the word out!
(Wait, what's that you said he really meant…?)
Boner is clapping like he forgot Barry is blah.
My gawd, he's knocking this fucker out of the park!
Clappity clap!
Joe, don't talk back.
He's right with vocational community college stuff. Not every kid is going to be an exec and people have to fucking deal with that.
Best Republican nomination acceptance speech evah.
Huh?
Is Tim Thomas in the house tonight?
Based on what I have been seeing, it seems like we spend less than 1% on education.
"Teachers matter" Newt married his math teacher.
He is swinging it like Eddie Murphy's Dexter St. Jacques.
As both the son and brother of teachers, I'm loving this part.
Ha, fuck you Wisconsn union busting arseholes.
Holding my nose while he discusses teachers' challenges.. Ugh, if he says 'merit pay' I'll choke on my beverage.
Stop teaching to the test?? Dubya just dumped a load.
What the hell does Eric Cantor have in his mouth to cause him to look that way?
its called Bile
Zombie Reagan's jizz. Very bitter.
I wish it was my fist.
Koch, of course.
Why did he add the "or turn 18" part? He was going so well.
Mandatory high school, yikes!
Arizona will have tons of 18 year old ninth graders.
Mississippi will have tons of 18 year old third graders.
As opposed to the tons of 18 year old fifth graders they have now?
Hurray for Barry. And Fuck those asshole who don't agree with him
Obama wants to take the profit out of student loans! Shouldn't lenders be able to repossess students?
Sallie Mae, is now adding an "unemployment penalty". If you can't pay cuz you're out of work, they charge you an extra $150 every 3 months.
Keep kids in High School??!?? What is this, Russia?
Well, who would clean those high schools otherwise?
Al Franken! I hope he's sitting next to a Republican and whispering "your candidate will lose" repeatedly.
How fabulous would that be?
Lower interest rates on student loans; this part actually still affects me so I'm listening.
Top 10 things that the Republicans wish they could pull out of their pockets right now…
10. Twitter enabled phone
9. Earplugs
8. Weaponry
7. Rentboy.com enabled phone
…
6. iPhone with Grindr app
5. The Cone vibrator.
I can't wait to hear how the republicans think all this is a dumb idea.
first keeping kids in school keeps those elementary school kids from working with the janitor
Holy shit, next thing you know he will want kids to know stuff before they get a diploma.
Making kids go to school is slavery. Who will become the janitors?
Keep college costs down? But then how will they afford the $5,000,000 salary for their football coaches?
Same way they do now – nutbar alums who will spend that for football but not a dime on humanities.
Dont even get me started
That's *their* problem, innit?
"Those who do not walk the stage, dance the pole. And those who dance the pole, ride the dragon."
I have the hope back , shame I can't vote.
I'll vote for ya!
Amen to that lizzie.
Also too me neither. Oh well.
me too, what a speech filled with such great ideas
State of the Union?
C A P S
W I N ! ! ! !
Many students face another challenge: They can't be janitors.
They probably want to go home.
Hennnnnngh.
McCain sits like a toad.
Barry just said he's done his job on immigration within the confines of this horrible and narrow law, now it's time for them to make things better.
Build the dang wall!
Grumps McCain looks like he just filled his pants.
Rick Perry just gave an inadvertent happy-burp at the mention of "Boots on the border"
"Boots on the Border" sounds like the name of a Mexican restaurant.
Tex-Mex, which is the bastard child of Mexican and "American" food.
Point taken.
Yeah, just sayin' that any Mexican worth his or her salt would never name their restaurant that. lol
I was thinking a Texarkana strip club.
McCain is such an old bitter bridge troll.
That shit McCain just couldn't get himself to stand for something he supports.
NOTICE JOHN MCCAIN NOT STANDING UP??? BASTARD
Double Hennnnnnnngh.
No jobs lowers illegal immigration. Genius.
DREAM Act yay.
I am glad he isn't going down the self-deportation road.
Ugh.
Educating immigrant kids, oh, the GOPers will get right on that
Fuckin' Republicunts are howling crazy about Latinos and immigration. Booing and howling.
At the same time their party is wondering why they aren't more popular with Hispanic voters…
and yet then they try to court the Latino vote
The ladies luv the Bammers
Pay women the same? But they don't have penises; that's crazy talk!
Women get equal pay, did any republicans stand?
Boehner didn't for sure
Biden is playing his very own drinking game.
Who's the blonde they keep showing? What did I miss? Gah!
Steve Jobs' widow.
The Small Business Lady
Steve Jobs widow
I'm not down with this threatening to cut university budgets if they don't lower tuition…seems like it'd have the opposite effect. Especially when the higher tuition is because funding has already been cut so much.
Yay! Steve Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!
Mr. Boehner, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
New vests that fight cancer!
Both parties agree on these things; put 'em in a bill and get it on my desk this year, he says. No, Mr. Preznit, cause then you get credit, and we can't have that!
Boehner just almost shouted "You Lie!" when Barry said put deregulation in a bill and get it on his desk this year!
Off shore???? Oh no Barry, you were doing so well
He means offshore red states.
ok then
Newt Gingrich must be hopping mad that congress is permitted to applaud.
Barry's just laying down the fact that he has out-Republicaned Republicans on energy exploration, so, they should sure as hell be willing to give a little on renewables.
Should?
Ricky Perry, is watching this from home saying THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY JOB!!! MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FOR SAKEN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Tears, I'm tellin' ya.
Mitch McConnell is a Ballchinian. That is all.
Paul Ryan: "Oh, fuck, he's stealing our best lines."
Turtle Power!
35 expansion%? Can you get all the shit out of the water we still got down here first?
Obama's been watching the energy company commercials on MSNBC again. He sounds like one.
America, we are fracked…
cleaner meaner cheaper leaner
Fizzy fuzzy big and buzzy
barkeep?
If you look up "douchebag" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Mitch McConnell.
Eric Cantor is full of a hundred years of natural gas.
Win
Frack.
Each time the camera pans across the chamber, I wonder which one of them will have their freak closet flung open next.
Ugh no no fracking please.
LOVE the fact that he made the distinction between natural gas and truly clean energy, 'cause frackin' ain't clean, let me tell you.
It's the sanoturm of the energy industry.
Yeah, like pumping chemical shit into the water supplies isn't going to cause problems. Don't get me started.
High tech batteries! No wonder the ladies love them some Obama!
A boon to the remote-controlled pink dildo industry, no?
Gurl, put that wand down.
Nooooooooooooooo!
Wimminz is goin' NUTS for that man, I don't know WHUT-all they be gettin' up to next.
What's all this drill baby drill stuff?
its for the vibrators that the new batteries are gonna be used in..drilling that _______
Developing a resource with endangering the health of our people? BURN the RIVERS, LEVEL the MOUNTAINS – the buffalo in Yellowstone need those oil rigs to rub the excess fur off of their bodies.
Fuck fracking.
Brian the wind turbine widget polisher.
Boner has a pantload.
So take that Republiassholes
Luxury Yucks?
Boners cheeks are getting flushed but his eyes are dead. A plus for him is the lip twitch thing going on. I fully expect a Lizard tongue to come whipping out to wipe his eyes, like a Ralph Steadman cartoon come to life.
Welease Bwian!
HOLY SHIT! HE'S FUCKING THE OIL COMPANIES! SO SO AWESOME!
Im ready for some tax smackdown
.
Brian (Droopy Dog voice) "Hello, all you happy people."
Holy shit, end the oil industry subsidies. Dear god preserve my President.
And yes, just fuck the oil industry; they suck.
Where has this guy been the last three years? Will he be around the rest of the year?
Seriously.
Yayyyyy no oil subsidies. Long may Barry reign
Are those fuckers booing renewable energy? What the hell have they got against that?
Is Tim Geithner a Vulcan or a Romulan? I can never remember…
Nice!
Romulan. Look at that face.
Energy dissonance anyone?
Uh oh, feel the wingnut heads exploding over talk of "climate change" – that shit ain't in the Bible ya Moslem!
"The difference in this chamber may be too great" means the Republicans have been obstructive douchebags.
Looked like Brian thought that his last name was mispronounced.
YES! Presidential order for clean energy on public lands, to-fuckin'-night! Fuck drilling in Yellowstone, let's put some turbines up on that btich!
I love how he keeps saying "send me a bill that…" he's putting it right back on Congress, where it belongs.
World's largest pighogs
Michele Bachman will now promise to return incandescent bulbs to the Navy.
Barry's putting windmills and solar panels on military bases and other public lands
It has to be military bases. That's the public land.
This is genius.
He just kicked the Pubs flat again. Oh sweet jeebus. He's got an amazing fcking idea for the energies the energies. ZOMG. (faints)
Send me a bill! (faints again)
We're getting you a fainting couch for your birthday, m'dear.
At this rate, I'm gonna need it darling.
Clean energy Navy? We can build moar ships like Mint RMoney wants – sailships!!!
All the Repubs' other ideas would take us back to the 18th century, might as well have the Navy do it too.
So far, you haven't acted.
Read: So far, you haven't acted bitches.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg is asleep, bless her heart
This is pretty late for her to be up.
Dude, you know you can send bills to Congress, right?
"….and now, with your permission….a little Al Green.."
Tonight, it's Barry White.
This concludes the T. Boone Pickens portion of this evening's speech.
Please excuse if this has already asked, but… What is going on with John Kerry's face? Was there an all out knock-down drag-out erupting before the cameras turned on?
Supposedly he had a "sports" accident.
Played hockey according to nBC
Heh heh, "send me a bill." The war cry. Plenty of blank faces.
Ha ha a black guy saying "send me a bill."
Whats up with the lights?
Is jeebus there?
…and we still don't have one single mirror on the moon…
Go Bamz.
I'm waiting for the Republicans to start chanting, "We can't afford it. We can't afford it."
Infrastructure! No more of T-Paw's bridge collapses please.
OH JESUS! He just mentioned the HOOVER Dam. Do we really need to hear any Hoover references in an election year? Ill-advised…
It was a shout-out to Rachel Maddow, Queen of the Hoover Dam.
He is fucking awesome tonight. They got nothing.
Except "NO!"
I'm tellin' ya. You need to update your tagline. He's GREAT!
Richard Cordray smiles a little smile as Hopey mentions him.
Investment is socialism. We must undo the socialist errors of the past and dismantle the Commie/ Nazi interstate highway system!
Yay Construction! Yay Nation Building ("Right Here At Home"!)
Executive order!
Drink!
Spend money at home what a concept.
Gietner is such a revolting weasel.
He looks like the villain from Ghostbusters.
…and it would be great if I had a Congress that didn't cockblock me on every goddamn issue!
Home viewers throw confetti in the air.
Government has a role in building infrastructure. Deal with it, GOP. Deal with it and like it.
Honestly, this is his best SOTU, yet. I mean, by far. He's found his voice.
Did I just see the boner hiccup
Again: Fuck you, Mittens.
I like the "send me the bills" "put in on my desk" "DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS ASSHOLES" part of this. Kinda shuts up the "do-nothing president" nonsensical bullshit – not that it matters that it's bullshit, they'll say it anyway…I wish they'd cut to Boner actually saying the "hell no you can't thing" just for perspective
Why does Boehner have salt and pepper shakers on his desk?
Ooooh, re-fi assistance funded from bank taxation. SUPERB
Hillary Clinton, 1993 called. They want their headbands back.
It sparkles! Hideous.
Um, I've been in the environmental end of the highway business for 32 year. When I hear about "cutting red tape" in the highway construction business, I know what that means. I hope Hopey doesn't mean that.
Homeowners will not have to hit bottom. Take that Mitt, you bitch.
Geithner looks like he's watching a movie about a dying collie.
This man is the most handsome president, ever.
I am more moist, vaginally, during this SOTU than any other.
Hopey is sooooo getting laid tonight. And if Michelle has a headache, he can come over to my place.
You do realize that haf the female population of America probably has wet pants for this man, right?
And as for the male population, they're NOT TELLING!!
"Nation-building right here at home." That's not the morally weak Barry talking.
If I thought he'd feel like singing I'd suggest "Love Can Build a Bridge." But I doubt he knows any tunes by The Judds.
Refinance ain't principle reduction. C'mon Barry.
Nany looks good. I bet she can't wait to get the gavel
Responsibility from the banks? Now that's crazy talk!
Tim Geithner looks like Hillary Clinton just forced a live newt down his throat. And Hillary looks like he bit her fingers.
I tell you, the Republicans are going to be pissed when they go full spin after this speech. This is going to drive them up the fucking wall.
Don't destroy the free market…ha , ha fucking ha!!!!
Hey now Liz, there is a mission to Pluto; it'll get there in 2015.
Barry, stop reminding us how Republican you are…
Wait a minute – he's dumping on the buyers of toxic mortgages? Sounds like Timmeh still has Barry's ear.
Ewww Droopy Dog Liberman.
Just saw lieberman with his lips moving (ABC)
Lieberman looks Irish.
No he didn't day "no cop outs?"
Fewer regulations than Dubya? Oh, burn!
Lieberman, fuck him.
Bad joke epic fail. lol
EDIT: Even he knew it was bad. lol
Barry made a joke!!!!
*rimshot*
Barry needz a new joke writer.
Who thought that stupid rule about spilled milk was a good idea?
He's a MOO-slim!
Milk spill? I'm lost.
…with a rule like that, I guess it was worth crying over spilled milk…
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Please tip your pages.
Stand up you republican bastards
turning people into bonsai trees..
Waiting to hear Cantor's version of "Kill the Poor."
Barb, please, PLEASE, Barry needs some help with his jokes
Mitch Daniels better have strippers and a band.
Don't back down! Woo hooo
I'm getting hot every time he says, "I will NOT back down!" How about you, Lizzie?
Sorry, I had my hand down my pajama bottoms.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Y'all know EXACTLY what he means when he says "I will not go back," right?
Santorum?
Stand up and clap for this equal pussy payment shit, you hear? Also, clean food. I like clean food.
Why there was big bad John from Texass. Fuck him too.
That is a big assed fake flower on that woman's sweater
Those republitards sure don't like Hopey.
Good.
He's stealing all their good ideas.
What good ideas?
In other news, an epaulet on Maxine Waters' dress metastasized, devouring her entire shoulder.
ROTFLMAO!
Shelia Jackson Lee is also in something that looks like she was in a car crash.
We are not bailing you out ever again. Tell 'em.
Your ass has been kicked off the gravy train, you fuckers.
Al Franken, Elder Statesman. Whoda thunk?
Isn't that the same lighting from The Blues Brothers? When they knew they were on a mission from Gawd?
Woo! Richard Cordray! OHIO!
Richard Cordray looks like Kenneth from 30 Rock.
LOL! I knew he looked familiar. Just couldn't place the face. You are SO right.
Recess appointment, bitches.
CSI: Wall Street
Did they boo cordray?
It would be great if congress would actually pass any of these ideas.
They might if people got their heads out of their ass and demanded it
haha, special unit
Biden is totally texting.
POS: president over shoulder.
Cordray! Take that recess appointment, McConnell, and shove it up your ass.
Oh, die Eric Cantor.
Cantor is chewing his lip, at least it's Kosher.
Oh yeah, Newtron would win a debate with Hopey. Riiiight.
Cantor you weasel, I hope you choke on your spleen
Ooh, that vinegar-faced little Eric Cantor is a total fucking weasel.
PASS THE PAYROLL TAX CUT he says!
CNN is having caption issues, that or Holder is now going by the name Kathleen Sebilius
Did he have the operation yet?
I always thought of him as a 'Kathleen'.
Eric Cantor applauding like he just heard Boehner has the clap.
Cantor needs to feed a cat to the ATM soon.
He smiled. My god, he smiled! WTF?! Barry broke his raggedy ass.
Cantor looked like he was kinda smitten with the tall American president.
Repeal the goddamn tax cuts.
And how!
Do not forget Mitt.
Nice touch, busing in Warren's secretary like that.
Cantor is thinking of what evil he can attach to the payroll tax cut.
Sticking it up Mitt's ass with no lube right now, awesome.
Mitch Daniels, oh you are this year's Bobby Jindal.
He has even less charisma. How'd they get him to agree to do it?
("As soon as we get rid of Newt, you're in, dude.")
And a certain unnamed R candidate…
OMG, he just took a poke at the millionaires in Congress! YEAH!
nooooooo! not fair share of taxes!!
Yes. Equalizing the rate for those that make money on money, and those that make money on working. 'Bout damned time.
Gee, I wonder who he's talking about.
GO BAMMAZ!
98% no new taxes, top 2% in the ass. Do it. Do it.
Coburns thinks millionaires should pay more taxes? Does he know this?
We could pay off the deficit if we simply got all those poors to turn in their cell phones.
The Warren Buffett/Screw Mitt Romney Rule
Oh, he's nailin' it! Get 'em, Hopey!
Heh…he said "blow'
Is somebody seriously transcribing this speech? Dude, just stick a flash drive in that teleprompter.
For some reason, I sometimes sit around trying to figure out which repub is the most despicable. Cantor rises to the top regularly.
He should. He's shit.
Every time he says, "Send me a bill," some people pee their pants.
Inside traders are people, my friend
Fck me, he's getting a standing ovation for asking for a bill to stop congress from insider trading. Attacking bundlers and lobbyists.
Send me a bill that we fucking agree on.
and don't tie it to that fucking pipeline
Like the worthless fucking weasels that you are.
Sorry.
He keeps saying "send me a bill" He'd better have American Express.
uh, DVR just autotuned to "Tori & Dean." We're going to have to review our recorded shows list.
Holy shit, attacking the filibuster? That's blasphemy!
Ha! Like the Senate is going to change its rules. Even Barry knows that ain't gonna happen. That's why he almost laughed through his teeth.
STOP BEING REASONABLE WITH THESE PEOPLE. STOP IT. Call out Cantor by name. I think it should be illegal for YOU ERIC CANTOR to short sell America and then implement policies to ensure our downfall.
'Perpetual campaign of mutual destruction" FTW.
How old is Patrick Leahy? He has looked exactly the same for as long as I can remember. Was he born balding and grey haired?
LOL! He's falling off, a bit. Going back into the bipartisan bullshit with an opposition that is quite literally insane.
Shit'll never change, Barry–people making too much dough.
Oooh, threat – "with or without this congress"
Occupy Congress.
Occupy hell, quarantine Congress.
Breaking news: Republicans like pork projects for their home districts
Smart? Effective? Congress?!! Get the fuck outta here.
Stand up and applaud you fucking Republican weasels he just said love America.
Ahem. Blah.
Nancy is looking good, tonight.
One thing that would help: During all House or Senate votes, play the National Anthem
NO!! NOT CLAW-PLAGH!
Did Hilary have a stroke? She looks bad.
She looked better like 10 minutes ago. She must be one of them Democrat Witch Shapeshifters.
We have always been at war with Syriania.
Oh-oh. Assad's gonna get it.
Oh, fuck that guy.
No, thanks!
Human dignity cannot be denied . . . except if you want to protest in the US.
I really wonder why there is not a move afoot as with George Washington ("he'll kick you apart") to make Barry king. He is the most effective president since FDR, and is a better speaker. Maybe because he's blah?
Well — YEAH.
Can we get Hills some extreme makeover action?
There needs to be a rule/equation about headbands and jowls.
Hey! He's pronouncing furrin names all correct and shit. He's a muslin/socialist/communist/anti colonnialist!111!
Yup. Yeppers.
Booo! Let's leave the Dubya shit in the past, okay?
Yep. Start the speech with war, end with war. War, and more war.
Does someone have a vuvuzela in there?
I think you're right. I heard that as well.
I don't know, but there are a few vulvas in the room.
Er … in *where,* exactly.
"Safe guard the rights of Christians, Muslims, and Jews.". The rest of y'all are out of luck.
I will pray to my pantheon of gods and goddesses about that.
Iran rah! That got old Liebs to stand up and grudgingly golf clap.
Oh god, bamz. don't even talk about invading Iran.
Schumer likes that. (the quintessential Jew or something? why do they keep focusing?)
YAY ISRAEL
yawn
I still don't understand America's boner for Israel
It is baffling. Is everybody afraid to confront the evangelists about their condescending "love" of Israel and her people when they really think Jews will go to hell? Do we still feel guilty about world war II?
America is back! I love it!
Wait, I thought he just apologized all the time and shit.
Been trying to ignore the elephant(s) in the room all evening.
Was this guy just recently treated for Low T?
Okay, Barry, you're wavering, here. Time to say something nice about Gabby and close this out before you let us down.
Ah, a bit of Veterans stuff. So now it's time to close it out.
Mark Kelly knows he's badass.
Oooh-subtle reference to DADT repeal.
Yay! Gay! FINALLY! It really doesn't matter! Okay I just got choked up, I admit it.
Yah. YEAH!!
…they were all Republicans.
Unfortunately, the flag is heavily redacted for security purposes.
Oh noes! He said something nice about teh gayz!
McConnell looks taxidermied. Taxidermied, not stuffed– getting stuffed might change that expression on his face.
Ooh, a metaphor! Shiny!
(OK, actually, it really works, too… positively Jed Bartlettesque)
McCraven has the beadiest of beady, little eyes. lol
Powerful Orator Mode!!!
What, no shout-out to Gabby's service? Seriously?
Seriously! How the hell did he miss that?
Actually, the best political speech of my lifetime. Maybe too good.
Too good?
It plays into the idea that Barry talks a good game but doesn't deliver. (Complete nonsense, as American politics is completely symbolic).
If even HALF of it could come true.
now how will the repuhblicans spin this into shit?
So far their Top Sekrit Paln is not working so very well.
Now come on rebuttal-tards and lie about everything he said, say what you want without any regard for what his words were, lie lie lie with a sneer on your derisive, bitter, evil faces – after all this positivity, come on dickwads – be who you are.
Why didn't they have Marcus Bachmann do a "prebuttal." Get it? Get it?!
That was a truly stunning speech. I might not agree with everything in it (e.g. wrt energy) but that delivery and conviction was amazing. It really shows up the truly pedestrian nature of the current crop of Repub candidates.
Loving the "no new taxes on the 98% but the 2% are paying more" theme.
Man this just kept growing and growing well after the new thread started.
Mitch Daniels said we're a nation of "Haves, & Soon To Haves". What nation does he live in? Can I come?
Jeez, Mitch Daniels sounds like an old commie with all his talk of reforming taxes so Rich People don't buy as many yachts. What's the deal, Republicans? Don't you like YACHT JOBS?
as much as i hate republican politicians i hate republican voters more…just too much stupid.
Yeah, but they were all fucked by their football coaches when they were six, so it is understandable. Mitt is a billlion times worse.
So…it's blowjobs and steaks for us all!
I was watching Fox for a little bit and they didn't like it very much.
Ever noticed how SOTU looks like STFU when you do a quick glance? Actually, it would probably be pretty cool if Obama told Congress to STFU…
After hearing Eric Cantor praise Gabby Giffords tonight, I am convinced he couldn't recite the Lord's Prayer in Church on Easter Sunday without sounding snide and smarmy.
doubtless, enormous member
You know me so well.
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