Here Is Your Official Wonkette State of the Union Anti-Sobriety Plan!

  oh god here we go

YEE-HAW it is time for Barack Obama’s third (and possibly final) State of the Union address! How excited is everyone, to listen to our President describe the many ways in which our country’s problems are mostly the fault of the worst-ever Congress in history that Americans themselves elected, so thanks a lot? He will probably also mention his late-breaking epiphany that ultra-rich people should pay a small amount more in taxes since they seem to be the only ones who’ve managed to crawl out of the hole of the recession, hooray. As for Congress, fewer than 200 of 535 members have agreed to participate in the bipartisan seating plan to Save Decency, probably after hearing some Wall Street Journal maggot declare that sitting next to a member of the opposite political party is a good way to get raped. That last sentence alone is worth a strong starter shot. GIT UR RUM BOTTLES AT THE READY:

Here is what you must do, if:

  • Obama uses the words “fair” or “fairness” at any point: pass the bottle around the room so each person gets a swig. Don’t wipe your spit off after each swig, we are SHARING, that is how sharing works.
  • John Boehner wears a flashy color of tie that clashes awkwardly with the flag backdrop behind his seat: set a shot of cheap rum on fire before you down it.
  • Obama says “middle class” two times in the same sentence: check the fridge for a Budweiser to toast the middle class and realize you don’t have any because you have TASTE, but then realize you have a six-pack of PBR sitting there so no, you don’t. Drink one of those!
  • The camera cuts away to Al Franken nodding in approval: get the hiccups.
  • Obama talks again this year about giving everyone 350,000 “green jobs” like he means it, which he doesn’t: a shot of absinthe.
  • Joe Lieberman falls asleep during the course of the speech: find someone to immediately cut the entire military from the budget before he wakes up.
  • Obama points out that he joined Instagram, which is good for Technology: everyone at the party drink a can of PBR and then duct tape the empty cans together to make a hipster hat for the person most likely to mind having his or her hair smell like stale beer in the morning and then take a picture of it with the Lomo-fi filter. Send us the photograph.
  • The camera cuts to Lindsey Graham shooting a laser beam stare of death at Kay Hagan across the room for stealing John McCain as her SOTU date: shed two tears in your heart where no one can see them and down a shot of SoCo to heal the pain.
  • Obama reminds everyone he “made America more secure” by spending a gajillion dollars to kill the shit out of an aging maniac in Pakistan who was already busy masturbating himself to death: make a toilet-water infused martini with Hendrick’s Gin and drink that, to remember how it felt.
  • If/when Wolf Blitzer announces after this thing is over, “It almost sounded like the president was making a little bit of a campaign speech!” like he is the first person who said it: pound a can of beer and smash it into the part of the screen where Wolf Blitzer’s forehead is, then staple a note reading “911 Don’t bother” to your own forehead and pass out. HUZZAH.

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238 comments

    1. MittBorg

      I wish I *did* fucking drink, especially with that slimy Brian Wilson oozing on meaningfully about how our Prez has the bully pulpit and haha workers.

  1. snackypants

    I need a drink after being reminded that the overflowing douchebag Joe Lieberman is still suckling the government teat.

    1. tejanojim

      He gets a pension and health care for life after leaving office. Might want to make that drink stronger.

  2. flamingpdog

    When I turned on the MSNBC feed, I immediately got a "scary" ad from Americans for Prosperity. I haven't started to drink and I've already vomited.

  3. Bluestatelibel

    Ran out of beer. Is it OK if I raid the cats' catnip? I only have the spray-on kind (yes, such a product does exist).

  4. rocktonsam

    So glad we can finally listen to an honest, articulate, reasonable, really real family man.

    Who has no bull shit about him. That's why they hate him.

    And the other thing also,mostly.

    I'll will be drinking a toast each time Boner's face turns oranger.

  5. Maman

    Sorry no beer in the house. Maybe I should just drink the cheap wine? Also skipping Blitz entirely and going with Rachel Maddow. I would have watched Keith Olbermann but he has Eliot Whore-Diamonds on and I don't want to lose my dinner.

  6. orygoon

    My God, John Kerry is ugly. Whose idea was it that he be president? Oh, right, I voted for him. Better Bernie Sanders, though. Bernie for Prez!

  7. WinterOuthouse

    What should we drink if Obama says, "Tell Newt to fuck and blow me. I'm here to save the country"?

  8. Mumbletypeg

    What middle class? didn't it get drowned in some proverbial bathtub? Should be renamed "the have-nots."

    "Day-old days ancient Bloody Mary
    bastards in a hardcore blue collar bar – - here we sit,
    a shot and a beer after another hard earned day /
    Dawn comes soon enough for the working class;
    It keeps getting sooner or later.
    This is the game that moves as you play.."

  9. flamingpdog

    OHHHHH, Cantor behind Barry in the line! One sip of beer and two pukes already. Not off to a good start tonight.

  10. C_R_Eature

    Rachel misses Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann?

    What, playing "Grab-ass" with Bush? I found that infuriating.

    1. C_R_Eature

      I'm sure they're at something much more important. Like a fundraser or a Koch- sponsered meeting

  11. flamingpdog

    They're not consumed with personal ambition??? The Joint Chiefs are holding themselves to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

      1. MittBorg

        I know it wasn't McCAncient, who's much more into Hopey's ass anyway. Remember that hideous shot of him sticking out his tongue and grabbing at Obama's ass?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I'm not sure why there's no growth in your p ness because of this. Excellent. If I was going to remember anything from tonight, I'd use this line shamelessly.

    1. SlunkyPete

      He had some kind of sports accident. The unspeakable Beck was chortling about it today, because that's how he rolls.

  12. SlunkyPete

    Ooh, Kantor's got his game face on. My lord, you couldn't find a bigger ladyboy this side of Patpong Road.

  13. Maman

    Kick everyone's ass who didn't stand for equal pay for equal work. I am pretty sure they have wives, sisters, daughters or at very least mothers.

  14. C_R_Eature

    POTUS: "We don't have to choose between energy and the environment."

    Republicans: "Yes We Do! Yes We Do! Yes We Do!

    1. MittBorg

      She's been working hard. She done good, too. Anyone notice how Burma's coming around? That's pretty fucking impressive, after decades of a hideously repressive military dictatorship.

  15. C_R_Eature

    Rules Make The Free Market Work Better.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For Finally Saying That.

  16. C_R_Eature

    Here we go…DEBT CEILING DEBATE FIASCO Knife. Congress. Twist.

    Corrosive Effects of Money in Politics! Send me a bill!

    Is that Booing?!?

  17. ProgressiveInga

    "Anyone who says that America is in decline doesn't know what they're talking about, be-otch!"

  18. Z Crudmonger

    Funny how the camera hits the man with the fruit salad on his chest when Hopey says ghey. Not…planned..at….all.

  19. SorosBot

    Man, there was a whole 'nother, separate comments-only liveblog here, under the main one; it's taking a while to get through the whole thing, still only halfway through, but you guys were really funny too.

  20. ttommyunger

    On a lighter note, a sea shell reportedly held Gabby up to his ear and reported that he could hear the ocean….Too soon?

  21. SorosBot

    And I can not lie
    You other brothers can't deny
    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face
    You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
    'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

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