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YEE-HAW it is time for Barack Obama’s third (and possibly final) State of the Union address! How excited is everyone, to listen to our President describe the many ways in which our country’s problems are mostly the fault of the worst-ever Congress in history that Americans themselves elected, so thanks a lot? He will probably also mention his late-breaking epiphany that ultra-rich people should pay a small amount more in taxes since they seem to be the only ones who’ve managed to crawl out of the hole of the recession, hooray. As for Congress, fewer than 200 of 535 members have agreed to participate in the bipartisan seating plan to Save Decency, probably after hearing some Wall Street Journal maggot declare that sitting next to a member of the opposite political party is a good way to get raped. That last sentence alone is worth a strong starter shot. GIT UR RUM BOTTLES AT THE READY:

Here is what you must do, if:

  • Obama uses the words “fair” or “fairness” at any point: pass the bottle around the room so each person gets a swig. Don’t wipe your spit off after each swig, we are SHARING, that is how sharing works.
  • John Boehner wears a flashy color of tie that clashes awkwardly with the flag backdrop behind his seat: set a shot of cheap rum on fire before you down it.
  • Obama says “middle class” two times in the same sentence: check the fridge for a Budweiser to toast the middle class and realize you don’t have any because you have TASTE, but then realize you have a six-pack of PBR sitting there so no, you don’t. Drink one of those!
  • The camera cuts away to Al Franken nodding in approval: get the hiccups.
  • Obama talks again this year about giving everyone 350,000 “green jobs” like he means it, which he doesn’t: a shot of absinthe.
  • Joe Lieberman falls asleep during the course of the speech: find someone to immediately cut the entire military from the budget before he wakes up.
  • Obama points out that he joined Instagram, which is good for Technology: everyone at the party drink a can of PBR and then duct tape the empty cans together to make a hipster hat for the person most likely to mind having his or her hair smell like stale beer in the morning and then take a picture of it with the Lomo-fi filter. Send us the photograph.
  • The camera cuts to Lindsey Graham shooting a laser beam stare of death at Kay Hagan across the room for stealing John McCain as her SOTU date: shed two tears in your heart where no one can see them and down a shot of SoCo to heal the pain.
  • Obama reminds everyone he “made America more secure” by spending a gajillion dollars to kill the shit out of an aging maniac in Pakistan who was already busy masturbating himself to death: make a toilet-water infused martini with Hendrick’s Gin and drink that, to remember how it felt.
  • If/when Wolf Blitzer announces after this thing is over, “It almost sounded like the president was making a little bit of a campaign speech!” like he is the first person who said it: pound a can of beer and smash it into the part of the screen where Wolf Blitzer’s forehead is, then staple a note reading “911 Don’t bother” to your own forehead and pass out. HUZZAH.
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