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YEE-HAW it is time for Barack Obama’s third (and possibly final) State of the Union address! How excited is everyone, to listen to our President describe the many ways in which our country’s problems are mostly the fault of the worst-ever Congress in history that Americans themselves elected, so thanks a lot? He will probably also mention his late-breaking epiphany that ultra-rich people should pay a small amount more in taxes since they seem to be the only ones who’ve managed to crawl out of the hole of the recession, hooray. As for Congress, fewer than 200 of 535 members have agreed to participate in the bipartisan seating plan to Save Decency, probably after hearing some Wall Street Journal maggot declare that sitting next to a member of the opposite political party is a good way to get raped. That last sentence alone is worth a strong starter shot. GIT UR RUM BOTTLES AT THE READY:

Here is what you must do, if:

  • Obama uses the words “fair” or “fairness” at any point: pass the bottle around the room so each person gets a swig. Don’t wipe your spit off after each swig, we are SHARING, that is how sharing works.
  • John Boehner wears a flashy color of tie that clashes awkwardly with the flag backdrop behind his seat: set a shot of cheap rum on fire before you down it.
  • Obama says “middle class” two times in the same sentence: check the fridge for a Budweiser to toast the middle class and realize you don’t have any because you have TASTE, but then realize you have a six-pack of PBR sitting there so no, you don’t. Drink one of those!
  • The camera cuts away to Al Franken nodding in approval: get the hiccups.
  • Obama talks again this year about giving everyone 350,000 “green jobs” like he means it, which he doesn’t: a shot of absinthe.
  • Joe Lieberman falls asleep during the course of the speech: find someone to immediately cut the entire military from the budget before he wakes up.
  • Obama points out that he joined Instagram, which is good for Technology: everyone at the party drink a can of PBR and then duct tape the empty cans together to make a hipster hat for the person most likely to mind having his or her hair smell like stale beer in the morning and then take a picture of it with the Lomo-fi filter. Send us the photograph.
  • The camera cuts to Lindsey Graham shooting a laser beam stare of death at Kay Hagan across the room for stealing John McCain as her SOTU date: shed two tears in your heart where no one can see them and down a shot of SoCo to heal the pain.
  • Obama reminds everyone he “made America more secure” by spending a gajillion dollars to kill the shit out of an aging maniac in Pakistan who was already busy masturbating himself to death: make a toilet-water infused martini with Hendrick’s Gin and drink that, to remember how it felt.
  • If/when Wolf Blitzer announces after this thing is over, “It almost sounded like the president was making a little bit of a campaign speech!” like he is the first person who said it: pound a can of beer and smash it into the part of the screen where Wolf Blitzer’s forehead is, then staple a note reading “911 Don’t bother” to your own forehead and pass out. HUZZAH.
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  • chascates

    May God have mercy on us all.

    • orygoon

      God bless us, every one!

  • FraAnima

    DRINK!

  • I'm just going to enjoy Campaign Obama while trying to forget President Obama.

    • Z Crudmonger

      I read that as Champagne Obama. Started early.

  • Barrelhse

    I'm glad I don't drink.

    • I wish I *did* fucking drink, especially with that slimy Brian Wilson oozing on meaningfully about how our Prez has the bully pulpit and haha workers.

    • How do you survive these things?

      • Barrelhse

        Weed.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    WHEE!!! Here we go again!

  • snackypants

    I need a drink after being reminded that the overflowing douchebag Joe Lieberman is still suckling the government teat.

    • tejanojim

      He gets a pension and health care for life after leaving office. Might want to make that drink stronger.

  • MissNancyPriss

    this entire thread is "unamerican".

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    Drink! also feck, arse, girrrls…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Perfect timing for my commute home!

  • Extemporanus

    Mic check…

    Mic check…

  • WHERE THE HELL IS THE SPEECH?

    • chascates

      I hope he throws the speech away and tries singing some more Al Green.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Iz okey ta eatz pastrami sammiches dring SOTU?

    • Are you sharing thru the tubez?

      • Blueb4sunrise

        oops.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Dunno. How does Pastrami jive with creeping Sharia?

  • Three cheers for Gabby Giffords.

    • Yay!

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Yay!

    • HuddledMass

      Yay!

  • flamingpdog

    When I turned on the MSNBC feed, I immediately got a "scary" ad from Americans for Prosperity. I haven't started to drink and I've already vomited.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Best to get it vomiting over with as early as possible.

  • proudgrampa

    WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    Bring it on!

  • We need Gabby Giffords here like we need a hole in the head. Too soon?

    • proudgrampa

      Wow.

  • Bluestatelibel

    Ran out of beer. Is it OK if I raid the cats' catnip? I only have the spray-on kind (yes, such a product does exist).

    • C_R_Eature

      Paper bag. Spray. Concentrate. Inhale.

      Share&Enjoy.

  • flamingpdog

    Here come the clowns! OK, five of 'em anyway.

  • rocktonsam

    So glad we can finally listen to an honest, articulate, reasonable, really real family man.

    Who has no bull shit about him. That's why they hate him.

    And the other thing also,mostly.

    I'll will be drinking a toast each time Boner's face turns oranger.

  • Oh, god I am suffering so much hatred and anger looking at all these noxious old farts of our Congress.

  • Extemporanus

    5 out of 9 Nazgûl ain't half bad.

  • flamingpdog

    The FLOTUS just floats down the aisle!

  • SorosBot

    This sounds like a recipe for alcohol poisoning.

  • Extemporanus

    Sooo bluuue…

  • Who is that catcalling our beauteous FLOTUS? Shameless louts.

    • Barb

      She's got a big butt.

      • Hey! You watch what you say about my … hmm … that is one hot booteh.

        Uh, wut?

  • Sorry no beer in the house. Maybe I should just drink the cheap wine? Also skipping Blitz entirely and going with Rachel Maddow. I would have watched Keith Olbermann but he has Eliot Whore-Diamonds on and I don't want to lose my dinner.

  • flamingpdog

    So Brian Wilson is a no-show again?

    • C_R_Eature

      He is so Fired.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Why do I just hate Eric Holder?

    • He gets less done at the office than I do?

  • orygoon

    My God, John Kerry is ugly. Whose idea was it that he be president? Oh, right, I voted for him. Better Bernie Sanders, though. Bernie for Prez!

    • That would make me Pretend First Lady.

  • proudgrampa

    Hell, Bob Schieffer sez we're gonna have a good time tonite.

    • chascates

      Remember his brother was in cahoots with Dubya over that ball club!

  • WinterOuthouse

    Move your ass peppee. It's tequila time

  • rocktonsam

    I hope he sings,

    • Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad.

    • Ohhh,
      Government meets Glee!

  • flamingpdog

    "Kelly O'Donnell's in the chamber tonight."

    And Santorum's in the chamber pot.

  • C_R_Eature

    Look! There's Gabby. WOHOO GABBY!

    • I swear to god Boehner rolled his eyes when Joe Biden was enthusiastically applauding her.

      • C_R_Eature

        That Awful Fuckstick.

        • Boojum_Reborn

          Orange Fuckstick, the new ice cream treat!

          • C_R_Eature

            FTW.

  • WinterOuthouse

    What should we drink if Obama says, "Tell Newt to fuck and blow me. I'm here to save the country"?

    • flamingpdog

      I'll give up drinking if Hopey says that. I'll never trust booze again.

  • What middle class? didn't it get drowned in some proverbial bathtub? Should be renamed "the have-nots."

    "Day-old days ancient Bloody Mary
    bastards in a hardcore blue collar bar – – here we sit,
    a shot and a beer after another hard earned day /
    Dawn comes soon enough for the working class;
    It keeps getting sooner or later.
    This is the game that moves as you play.."

  • Extemporanus

    Cue wingnut "C.P. time" comments…

  • Biff

    Hopey!

  • C_R_Eature

    "Everybody Get Drunk Tonight,

    Everybody Blow Chunks Tonight!"

    – Wang Chung

    • Barrelhse

      or was it Wang Chunks?

      • C_R_Eature

        Tonight it is.

      • Wiiiiing Chuuuuuun!

  • flamingpdog

    OHHHHH, Cantor behind Barry in the line! One sip of beer and two pukes already. Not off to a good start tonight.

  • rocktonsam

    Why would any body want to shake Cantor's paw?

  • Oh, the blahs are boisterous!

  • flamingpdog

    WHo was the white woman trying to eat Barry's ear off the side of his head?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Oily Taintz?

      • flamingpdog

        Not enough crazy in her eyes.

    • Well, Ruth Ginsburg took a bite.

    • HarryButtle

      LimeyLizzie?

  • Extemporanus

    Nice moment there with Rep. Jackée Harry.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Hey, do you know who else had a deep voice yet sang falsetto?

    • Biff

      Lenny Kravitz?

  • It sure is refreshing to see those fuckers laughing it up and having such a good time while they destroy America.

  • C_R_Eature

    Rachel misses Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann?

    What, playing "Grab-ass" with Bush? I found that infuriating.

  • Extemporanus

    *hhhuuuggg*

  • proudgrampa

    Scalia and Thomas didn't show??? Jeez.

    • They aren't so hot on tradition or the Constitution.

    • And my money's on Thomas to be the one who yells something inappropriate this year.

    • C_R_Eature

      I'm sure they're at something much more important. Like a fundraser or a Koch- sponsered meeting

  • C_R_Eature

    1st lady is Hawt. Tonite.

    • proudgrampa

      Fersure!

    • And EVERY nite. That Barry is a happy man, just look at him smile. He's gettin' plenty, doods.

  • Extemporanus

    Nice fucking introduction, Speaker Brokaw.

  • flamingpdog

    Awwww, Gabby making a little wave with her hand. I want to hug her. Really.

  • Biff

    Boner started it off with a big-assed lie.

  • flamingpdog

    BURRRRRRN on Osama bin Laden!!!!

  • Hopey taking credit for things he's done? Amazing.

  • C_R_Eature

    THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!

    Jesus Boner looks fucked up.

  • Can someone get Joe Biden a Ricola?

  • C_R_Eature

    "Imagine if we could follow their example."

    I'm lookin' at YOU, Congress.

  • Extemporanus

    SHIT! My laundry!

    Let me know if I miss anything, you guys…

    (Hahaha!)

    • flamingpdog

      Mint RMoney will do your laundry for you.

  • flamingpdog

    They're not consumed with personal ambition??? The Joint Chiefs are holding themselves to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

  • "We can do this!" New campaign slogan?

  • C_R_Eature

    "…and I was born in AMERICA, Motherfuckers!"

  • Biff

    Red tie, blue tie, it's opposite day in DC!

  • flamingpdog

    Tell it, Barry!

  • Oh, fuck, Hopey is REALLY hitting his stride now, and the Republiborg is booing.

  • C_R_Eature

    Boner Swallows Tongue.

  • Boo! Fair rules!

    • ProgressiveInga

      They're not booing, they're saying Newwwwwttttt!

  • "American Values" Better campaign slogan and FU to Republican Family Values.

  • C_R_Eature

    That Bush fellow. Remember him?

  • C_R_Eature

    AAAHH There's Twiki!!

  • flamingpdog

    "Those are the facts"

    Yeah, like that makes any impression on Repukelicans.

  • Yay! Everything is going to be alright!

  • C_R_Eature

    Slap 'em Barry. Hard.

    Again.

  • WHOA! Hopey's KICKIN' ASS! I will FIGHT, he sez. NO WE WILL NOT GO BACK. Hell, no, we won't go.

  • I think I just heard one of the South Carolina delegation.

    • ProgressiveInga

      No, that was just a Boehner beer fart.

  • Biff

    Fight obstruction with action? Commie!

  • He said "American Values" again. Are the bumper stickers printed yet?

  • Pow! He lands one on Mitt, with "some even say we should have let (GM) collapse".

  • C_R_Eature

    Today, General Motors is back on top as the world's Number one Automaker!

    Thanks Mitt!

  • Biff

    Government Motors!

  • Holy jeebus who is that ancient lizard who keeps likcing his lips and rolling his eyes at teh hot blondes?

    • Biff

      John McCain.

      • I know it wasn't McCAncient, who's much more into Hopey's ass anyway. Remember that hideous shot of him sticking out his tongue and grabbing at Obama's ass?

    • John Dingell

  • SlunkyPete

    You look at some of these faces and you think, "there must be more than 7 deadly sins."

    • Nothingisamiss

      I'm not sure why there's no growth in your p ness because of this. Excellent. If I was going to remember anything from tonight, I'd use this line shamelessly.

  • Skeletor sure does clean up nice, and he seems happy about something.

  • I thought we were bringing sexy back, not manufacturing.

  • C_R_Eature

    Who punched the shit out of Kerry?

    • SlunkyPete

      He had some kind of sports accident. The unspeakable Beck was chortling about it today, because that's how he rolls.

      • C_R_Eature

        Golly, it would just be a shame if Beck fell right on his Nutz. I wouldn't laugh.

      • Biff

        Windsurfing? Polo?

  • C_R_Eature

    Boner is ACTUALLY FROWNING about bringing American jobs back to America!

    • Can'tor seems constipated at the thought.

      • I demand to steal "Can'tor" for future mockage!

  • C_R_Eature

    OOF!

    Still hurts.

  • SlunkyPete

    Ooh, Kantor's got his game face on. My lord, you couldn't find a bigger ladyboy this side of Patpong Road.

    • And just *what* would you know about Patpong Road, young man?

    • fuflans

      i'm so remembering that.

  • Z Crudmonger

    Cantor is playing freeze tag with himself.

  • Boo to lead toys for babies!

  • C_R_Eature

    "Openings". Huh huh huh, huh huh

  • Biff

    Semen!

    • C_R_Eature

      See, Men?

  • Have these employers that can't find skilled workers tried Craigslist? Yeah, I didn't think so.

  • C_R_Eature

    Make getting a Job a condition for receiving Unemployment!

    • And take a urine test every day!!

      • C_R_Eature

        Twice! and pay for it yourself.

  • C_R_Eature

    A Great Teacher can become your First Wife!

    What?

  • If Boehner keeps licking his lips he is going to be a giant chap.

  • Biff

    Boner: you are getting sleepy…

  • C_R_Eature

    I guess McCain is too plastered or pissed off to stand up for Immigration Reform?

    • Naturally. Particularly since it was his idea.

    • Biff

      Must. Not. Applaud. What. I. Proposed.

  • Biden is pretty reserved tonight. He usually acts like a parent watching a precocious five year old while Obama speaks. I can almost hear him saying, "Yeah, yeah, more words.."

    • I think he's sick. Cold or something.

  • C_R_Eature

    Jobs for Fetuses! If they want them.

  • Kick everyone's ass who didn't stand for equal pay for equal work. I am pretty sure they have wives, sisters, daughters or at very least mothers.

    • What, this crowd? Who you kidding?

  • Drill, baby drill!

  • C_R_Eature

    I'd purely love to play High-Stakes Poker with John Boehner.

  • Biff

    McTurtle!

  • Alternative energy. Biggest applause of the night.

  • C_R_Eature

    How about all that Gas sitting behind you?

  • C_R_Eature

    Public Research WOOHOO!!

  • Biff

    Don't cry, Brian Witterby!

    • Jeez, dood, don't be so mean. Poor guy's probly all overwhelmed.

  • C_R_Eature

    POTUS: "We don't have to choose between energy and the environment."

    Republicans: "Yes We Do! Yes We Do! Yes We Do!

  • C_R_Eature

    Is that Steven Cho? Yeah!!

  • Biff

    No more tax breaks for oil? That's it, he's fuxxored.

    • I'm terrified right now. Those people won't go away quietly.

  • C_R_Eature

    GO FOR IT BARRY!! CLEAN ENERGY!! GET THINGS DONE!!

  • Biff

    Man, I want to lease some land to a clean energy provider so bad, you guys!

  • He keeps telling Congress to do shit. Has no one told him they don't do shit?

  • Z Crudmonger

    And what is the Navy going to do with all that power, Tron suits for Seal Team 6?

  • Biff

    Hilz lookin' tired.

    • She's been working hard. She done good, too. Anyone notice how Burma's coming around? That's pretty fucking impressive, after decades of a hideously repressive military dictatorship.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Barry's gonna be busy signing all of these executive orders! You go, Girl!!!!

  • C_R_Eature

    Nation Building at Home!

    *Thunderous Applause*

    Boner's Twitching.

  • Biff

    Another kick to mitten's 'nads on housing bottoming out.

  • Geithner looks downright pained.

  • C_R_Eature

    POTUS: Help homeowners Refinance.

    Republicans: Oh Shit, the economy's going to improve!!

  • C_R_Eature

    Rules Make The Free Market Work Better.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For Finally Saying That.

  • Biff

    Spilled milk groaner

  • I'm starting to think he isn't going to sing.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Holy cow, less regulation!

  • Mercury, bitches!

  • C_R_Eature

    Gulf Oil Spill Assholes. Remember?

  • Biff

    He's gonna have to apologize to BP for that.

  • C_R_Eature

    Barry is really taking the Lash to the Republicans tonight.

  • C_R_Eature

    Cordray! Hooray!!

  • Biff

    Financial Crimes Unit? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa

    • C_R_Eature

      I thought that was Goldman Sachs.

  • Steve Schwarzman haz a sad.

  • Can't or smiles like he already has an evil plan ready for the payroll tax

  • Biff

    Payroll tax cut even got a laugh out of Dixie Jew.

  • C_R_Eature

    Warren Buffet's Secretary. DRINK!!

    • Wow, you really do start to look like your boss after years together.

  • Z Crudmonger

    Crazy talk, we can have our millionaire cake and eat them too.

  • Who is wear sequins to SOTU?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Marcus?

  • C_R_Eature

    An America Built to Last = Bumper Sticker

  • C_R_Eature

    Here we go…DEBT CEILING DEBATE FIASCO Knife. Congress. Twist.

    Corrosive Effects of Money in Politics! Send me a bill!

    Is that Booing?!?

  • Woohoo!!!!! Both Sides Are To Blame gave me a bingo!

  • C_R_Eature

    "Lower the temperature in this town"

    Have you learned Nothing in the last 3 years?

  • Whoa, whoa, whoa there… You were talking about fair competition? NFW dude

  • Z Crudmonger

    He believes what Abe believed in ….burning Atlanta?

    • C_R_Eature

      Don't push him.

      • Or at least not as far as Ayman al-Zawahiri or Osama bin Laden.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Human Dignity Cannot be Denied"

    Except in this town.

  • C_R_Eature

    Cantor is such a Jackalweasel.

  • ProgressiveInga

    "Anyone who says that America is in decline doesn't know what they're talking about, be-otch!"

  • C_R_Eature

    This is one helluva SOTU.

    • How so? Looks like the usual checklist of conservative-to-moderate Republican initiatives with a double helping of militarism.

  • C_R_Eature

    Mitch Daniels has to rebut This?

    BWA Ha ha ha!

  • Biff

    Anyone else like me not knowing there's been like 2 other whole posts? Crap.

    • C_R_Eature

      Not the first time this has happened to me.

      • Z Crudmonger

        Hah, well, extra snark to mine later.

    • It *always* happens to me. You thought I was joking when I said I'm always late to the party?

  • Z Crudmonger

    Funny how the camera hits the man with the fruit salad on his chest when Hopey says ghey. Not…planned..at….all.

  • Is he a vampire? Shine a light on Mitch Daniels. Does he sparkle?

  • SorosBot

    Man, there was a whole 'nother, separate comments-only liveblog here, under the main one; it's taking a while to get through the whole thing, still only halfway through, but you guys were really funny too.

  • ttommyunger

    On a lighter note, a sea shell reportedly held Gabby up to his ear and reported that he could hear the ocean….Too soon?

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