OH GOD HERE WE GO  8:45 pm January 24, 2012

Here Is Your Official Wonkette State of the Union Anti-Sobriety Plan!

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

YEE-HAW it is time for Barack Obama’s third (and possibly final) State of the Union address! How excited is everyone, to listen to our President describe the many ways in which our country’s problems are mostly the fault of the worst-ever Congress in history that Americans themselves elected, so thanks a lot? He will probably also mention his late-breaking epiphany that ultra-rich people should pay a small amount more in taxes since they seem to be the only ones who’ve managed to crawl out of the hole of the recession, hooray. As for Congress, fewer than 200 of 535 members have agreed to participate in the bipartisan seating plan to Save Decency, probably after hearing some Wall Street Journal maggot declare that sitting next to a member of the opposite political party is a good way to get raped. That last sentence alone is worth a strong starter shot. GIT UR RUM BOTTLES AT THE READY:

Here is what you must do, if:

  • Obama uses the words “fair” or “fairness” at any point: pass the bottle around the room so each person gets a swig. Don’t wipe your spit off after each swig, we are SHARING, that is how sharing works.
  • John Boehner wears a flashy color of tie that clashes awkwardly with the flag backdrop behind his seat: set a shot of cheap rum on fire before you down it.
  • Obama says “middle class” two times in the same sentence: check the fridge for a Budweiser to toast the middle class and realize you don’t have any because you have TASTE, but then realize you have a six-pack of PBR sitting there so no, you don’t. Drink one of those!
  • The camera cuts away to Al Franken nodding in approval: get the hiccups.
  • Obama talks again this year about giving everyone 350,000 “green jobs” like he means it, which he doesn’t: a shot of absinthe.
  • Joe Lieberman falls asleep during the course of the speech: find someone to immediately cut the entire military from the budget before he wakes up.
  • Obama points out that he joined Instagram, which is good for Technology: everyone at the party drink a can of PBR and then duct tape the empty cans together to make a hipster hat for the person most likely to mind having his or her hair smell like stale beer in the morning and then take a picture of it with the Lomo-fi filter. Send us the photograph.
  • The camera cuts to Lindsey Graham shooting a laser beam stare of death at Kay Hagan across the room for stealing John McCain as her SOTU date: shed two tears in your heart where no one can see them and down a shot of SoCo to heal the pain.
  • Obama reminds everyone he “made America more secure” by spending a gajillion dollars to kill the shit out of an aging maniac in Pakistan who was already busy masturbating himself to death: make a toilet-water infused martini with Hendrick’s Gin and drink that, to remember how it felt.
  • If/when Wolf Blitzer announces after this thing is over, “It almost sounded like the president was making a little bit of a campaign speech!” like he is the first person who said it: pound a can of beer and smash it into the part of the screen where Wolf Blitzer’s forehead is, then staple a note reading “911 Don’t bother” to your own forehead and pass out. HUZZAH.
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 238 comments }

chascates January 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

May God have mercy on us all.

orygoon January 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

God bless us, every one!

FraAnima January 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

DRINK!

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I'm just going to enjoy Campaign Obama while trying to forget President Obama.

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I read that as Champagne Obama. Started early.

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I'm glad I don't drink.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I wish I *did* fucking drink, especially with that slimy Brian Wilson oozing on meaningfully about how our Prez has the bully pulpit and haha workers.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

How do you survive these things?

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Weed.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 24, 2012 at 8:51 pm

WHEE!!! Here we go again!

snackypants January 24, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I need a drink after being reminded that the overflowing douchebag Joe Lieberman is still suckling the government teat.

tejanojim January 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

He gets a pension and health care for life after leaving office. Might want to make that drink stronger.

MissNancyPriss January 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

this entire thread is "unamerican".

new_pic_for_NEWTer January 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Drink! also feck, arse, girrrls…

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

OK, who did you used to be?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Perfect timing for my commute home!

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Mic check…

Mic check…

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

WHERE THE HELL IS THE SPEECH?

chascates January 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I hope he throws the speech away and tries singing some more Al Green.

Blueb4sunrise January 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Iz okey ta eatz pastrami sammiches dring SOTU?

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Are you sharing thru the tubez?

Blueb4sunrise January 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

oops.

Kidneys4Sale January 25, 2012 at 3:00 am

Dunno. How does Pastrami jive with creeping Sharia?

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Three cheers for Gabby Giffords.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Yay!

Boojum_Reborn January 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Yay!

HuddledMass January 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Yay!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

When I turned on the MSNBC feed, I immediately got a "scary" ad from Americans for Prosperity. I haven't started to drink and I've already vomited.

Loaded_Pants January 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Best to get it vomiting over with as early as possible.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Bring it on!

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

We need Gabby Giffords here like we need a hole in the head. Too soon?

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Wow.

Bluestatelibel January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Ran out of beer. Is it OK if I raid the cats' catnip? I only have the spray-on kind (yes, such a product does exist).

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Paper bag. Spray. Concentrate. Inhale.

Share&Enjoy.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Here come the clowns! OK, five of 'em anyway.

rocktonsam January 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

So glad we can finally listen to an honest, articulate, reasonable, really real family man.

Who has no bull shit about him. That's why they hate him.

And the other thing also,mostly.

I'll will be drinking a toast each time Boner's face turns oranger.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Oh, god I am suffering so much hatred and anger looking at all these noxious old farts of our Congress.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

5 out of 9 Nazgûl ain't half bad.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

The FLOTUS just floats down the aisle!

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

This sounds like a recipe for alcohol poisoning.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Sooo bluuue…

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Who is that catcalling our beauteous FLOTUS? Shameless louts.

Barb January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

She's got a big butt.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Hey! You watch what you say about my … hmm … that is one hot booteh.

Uh, wut?

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Sorry no beer in the house. Maybe I should just drink the cheap wine? Also skipping Blitz entirely and going with Rachel Maddow. I would have watched Keith Olbermann but he has Eliot Whore-Diamonds on and I don't want to lose my dinner.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

So Brian Wilson is a no-show again?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

He is so Fired.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Why do I just hate Eric Holder?

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

He gets less done at the office than I do?

orygoon January 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

My God, John Kerry is ugly. Whose idea was it that he be president? Oh, right, I voted for him. Better Bernie Sanders, though. Bernie for Prez!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

That would make me Pretend First Lady.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Hell, Bob Schieffer sez we're gonna have a good time tonite.

chascates January 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Remember his brother was in cahoots with Dubya over that ball club!

WinterOuthouse January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Move your ass peppee. It's tequila time

rocktonsam January 24, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I hope he sings,

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Ohhh,
Government meets Glee!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

"Kelly O'Donnell's in the chamber tonight."

And Santorum's in the chamber pot.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Look! There's Gabby. WOHOO GABBY!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I swear to god Boehner rolled his eyes when Joe Biden was enthusiastically applauding her.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

That Awful Fuckstick.

Boojum_Reborn January 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Orange Fuckstick, the new ice cream treat!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 11:31 pm

FTW.

WinterOuthouse January 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

What should we drink if Obama says, "Tell Newt to fuck and blow me. I'm here to save the country"?

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I'll give up drinking if Hopey says that. I'll never trust booze again.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

What middle class? didn't it get drowned in some proverbial bathtub? Should be renamed "the have-nots."

"Day-old days ancient Bloody Mary
bastards in a hardcore blue collar bar – - here we sit,
a shot and a beer after another hard earned day /
Dawn comes soon enough for the working class;
It keeps getting sooner or later.
This is the game that moves as you play.."

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Cue wingnut "C.P. time" comments…

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Hopey!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

"Everybody Get Drunk Tonight,

Everybody Blow Chunks Tonight!"

- Wang Chung

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 10:25 pm

or was it Wang Chunks?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Tonight it is.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:37 am

Wiiiiing Chuuuuuun!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

OHHHHH, Cantor behind Barry in the line! One sip of beer and two pukes already. Not off to a good start tonight.

rocktonsam January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Why would any body want to shake Cantor's paw?

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Oh, the blahs are boisterous!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

WHo was the white woman trying to eat Barry's ear off the side of his head?

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Oily Taintz?

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Not enough crazy in her eyes.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Well, Ruth Ginsburg took a bite.

HarryButtle January 24, 2012 at 11:55 pm

LimeyLizzie?

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Nice moment there with Rep. Jackée Harry.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Hey, do you know who else had a deep voice yet sang falsetto?

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Lenny Kravitz?

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

It sure is refreshing to see those fuckers laughing it up and having such a good time while they destroy America.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Rachel misses Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann?

What, playing "Grab-ass" with Bush? I found that infuriating.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

*hhhuuuggg*

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Scalia and Thomas didn't show??? Jeez.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

They aren't so hot on tradition or the Constitution.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

And my money's on Thomas to be the one who yells something inappropriate this year.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Like what, N*****?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I'm sure they're at something much more important. Like a fundraser or a Koch- sponsered meeting

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:10 pm

1st lady is Hawt. Tonite.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Fersure!

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:38 am

And EVERY nite. That Barry is a happy man, just look at him smile. He's gettin' plenty, doods.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Nice fucking introduction, Speaker Brokaw.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Awwww, Gabby making a little wave with her hand. I want to hug her. Really.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Me too.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Seriously

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Boner started it off with a big-assed lie.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

BURRRRRRN on Osama bin Laden!!!!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Hopey taking credit for things he's done? Amazing.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:13 pm

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!

Jesus Boner looks fucked up.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Can someone get Joe Biden a Ricola?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

"Imagine if we could follow their example."

I'm lookin' at YOU, Congress.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm

SHIT! My laundry!

Let me know if I miss anything, you guys…

(Hahaha!)

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Mint RMoney will do your laundry for you.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:39 am

Can I tweet that? PLEEZ?

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

They're not consumed with personal ambition??? The Joint Chiefs are holding themselves to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

"We can do this!" New campaign slogan?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:15 pm

"…and I was born in AMERICA, Motherfuckers!"

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Red tie, blue tie, it's opposite day in DC!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Tell it, Barry!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Oh, fuck, Hopey is REALLY hitting his stride now, and the Republiborg is booing.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Boner Swallows Tongue.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I wish.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Boo! Fair rules!

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

They're not booing, they're saying Newwwwwttttt!

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Same dif

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

"American Values" Better campaign slogan and FU to Republican Family Values.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

That Bush fellow. Remember him?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

AAAHH There's Twiki!!

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm

"Those are the facts"

Yeah, like that makes any impression on Repukelicans.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Yay! Everything is going to be alright!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Slap 'em Barry. Hard.

Again.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

WHOA! Hopey's KICKIN' ASS! I will FIGHT, he sez. NO WE WILL NOT GO BACK. Hell, no, we won't go.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I think I just heard one of the South Carolina delegation.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

No, that was just a Boehner beer fart.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Fight obstruction with action? Commie!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:20 pm

He said "American Values" again. Are the bumper stickers printed yet?

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Pow! He lands one on Mitt, with "some even say we should have let (GM) collapse".

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Today, General Motors is back on top as the world's Number one Automaker!

Thanks Mitt!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Government Motors!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Holy jeebus who is that ancient lizard who keeps likcing his lips and rolling his eyes at teh hot blondes?

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

John McCain.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:41 am

I know it wasn't McCAncient, who's much more into Hopey's ass anyway. Remember that hideous shot of him sticking out his tongue and grabbing at Obama's ass?

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

John Dingell

SlunkyPete January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

You look at some of these faces and you think, "there must be more than 7 deadly sins."

Nothingisamiss January 25, 2012 at 12:34 am

I'm not sure why there's no growth in your p ness because of this. Excellent. If I was going to remember anything from tonight, I'd use this line shamelessly.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Skeletor sure does clean up nice, and he seems happy about something.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I thought we were bringing sexy back, not manufacturing.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Who punched the shit out of Kerry?

SlunkyPete January 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

He had some kind of sports accident. The unspeakable Beck was chortling about it today, because that's how he rolls.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Golly, it would just be a shame if Beck fell right on his Nutz. I wouldn't laugh.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Windsurfing? Polo?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Boner is ACTUALLY FROWNING about bringing American jobs back to America!

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Can'tor seems constipated at the thought.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:43 am

I demand to steal "Can'tor" for future mockage!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:25 pm

OOF!

Still hurts.

SlunkyPete January 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Ooh, Kantor's got his game face on. My lord, you couldn't find a bigger ladyboy this side of Patpong Road.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:43 am

And just *what* would you know about Patpong Road, young man?

fuflans January 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

i'm so remembering that.

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Cantor is playing freeze tag with himself.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Boo to lead toys for babies!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

"Openings". Huh huh huh, huh huh

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Semen!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

See, Men?

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Have these employers that can't find skilled workers tried Craigslist? Yeah, I didn't think so.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Make getting a Job a condition for receiving Unemployment!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

And take a urine test every day!!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Twice! and pay for it yourself.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

A Great Teacher can become your First Wife!

What?

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

If Boehner keeps licking his lips he is going to be a giant chap.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Boner: you are getting sleepy…

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I guess McCain is too plastered or pissed off to stand up for Immigration Reform?

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Naturally. Particularly since it was his idea.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Must. Not. Applaud. What. I. Proposed.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Biden is pretty reserved tonight. He usually acts like a parent watching a precocious five year old while Obama speaks. I can almost hear him saying, "Yeah, yeah, more words.."

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I think he's sick. Cold or something.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Jobs for Fetuses! If they want them.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Kick everyone's ass who didn't stand for equal pay for equal work. I am pretty sure they have wives, sisters, daughters or at very least mothers.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:44 am

What, this crowd? Who you kidding?

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Drill, baby drill!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I'd purely love to play High-Stakes Poker with John Boehner.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

McTurtle!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Alternative energy. Biggest applause of the night.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

How about all that Gas sitting behind you?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Public Research WOOHOO!!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Don't cry, Brian Witterby!

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:45 am

Jeez, dood, don't be so mean. Poor guy's probly all overwhelmed.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

POTUS: "We don't have to choose between energy and the environment."

Republicans: "Yes We Do! Yes We Do! Yes We Do!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Is that Steven Cho? Yeah!!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

No more tax breaks for oil? That's it, he's fuxxored.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:46 am

I'm terrified right now. Those people won't go away quietly.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

GO FOR IT BARRY!! CLEAN ENERGY!! GET THINGS DONE!!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Man, I want to lease some land to a clean energy provider so bad, you guys!

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:45 pm

He keeps telling Congress to do shit. Has no one told him they don't do shit?

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

And what is the Navy going to do with all that power, Tron suits for Seal Team 6?

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Bionic mercenaries.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Hilz lookin' tired.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:47 am

She's been working hard. She done good, too. Anyone notice how Burma's coming around? That's pretty fucking impressive, after decades of a hideously repressive military dictatorship.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Barry's gonna be busy signing all of these executive orders! You go, Girl!!!!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Nation Building at Home!

*Thunderous Applause*

Boner's Twitching.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Another kick to mitten's 'nads on housing bottoming out.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Geithner looks downright pained.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:47 am

I thought so too.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:48 pm

POTUS: Help homeowners Refinance.

Republicans: Oh Shit, the economy's going to improve!!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Rules Make The Free Market Work Better.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For Finally Saying That.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Spilled milk groaner

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I'm starting to think he isn't going to sing.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Holy cow, less regulation!

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Mercury, bitches!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Gulf Oil Spill Assholes. Remember?

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

He's gonna have to apologize to BP for that.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Barry is really taking the Lash to the Republicans tonight.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Cordray! Hooray!!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Financial Crimes Unit? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I thought that was Goldman Sachs.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Steve Schwarzman haz a sad.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Can't or smiles like he already has an evil plan ready for the payroll tax

Biff January 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Payroll tax cut even got a laugh out of Dixie Jew.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Warren Buffet's Secretary. DRINK!!

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Wow, you really do start to look like your boss after years together.

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Crazy talk, we can have our millionaire cake and eat them too.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Who is wear sequins to SOTU?

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Marcus?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

An America Built to Last = Bumper Sticker

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Here we go…DEBT CEILING DEBATE FIASCO Knife. Congress. Twist.

Corrosive Effects of Money in Politics! Send me a bill!

Is that Booing?!?

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Woohoo!!!!! Both Sides Are To Blame gave me a bingo!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:03 pm

"Lower the temperature in this town"

Have you learned Nothing in the last 3 years?

Maman January 24, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Whoa, whoa, whoa there… You were talking about fair competition? NFW dude

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

He believes what Abe believed in ….burning Atlanta?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Don't push him.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:50 am

Or at least not as far as Ayman al-Zawahiri or Osama bin Laden.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:07 pm

"Human Dignity Cannot be Denied"

Except in this town.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Cantor is such a Jackalweasel.

ProgressiveInga January 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"Anyone who says that America is in decline doesn't know what they're talking about, be-otch!"

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

This is one helluva SOTU.

Donner, Party of 1 January 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

How so? Looks like the usual checklist of conservative-to-moderate Republican initiatives with a double helping of militarism.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Mitch Daniels has to rebut This?

BWA Ha ha ha!

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Anyone else like me not knowing there's been like 2 other whole posts? Crap.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Not the first time this has happened to me.

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Hah, well, extra snark to mine later.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 12:50 am

It *always* happens to me. You thought I was joking when I said I'm always late to the party?

Z Crudmonger January 24, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Funny how the camera hits the man with the fruit salad on his chest when Hopey says ghey. Not…planned..at….all.

Maman January 24, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Is he a vampire? Shine a light on Mitch Daniels. Does he sparkle?

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 1:00 am

Man, there was a whole 'nother, separate comments-only liveblog here, under the main one; it's taking a while to get through the whole thing, still only halfway through, but you guys were really funny too.

ttommyunger January 25, 2012 at 10:55 pm

On a lighter note, a sea shell reportedly held Gabby up to his ear and reported that he could hear the ocean….Too soon?

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 12:54 am

And I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

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