NOM NOM NOM  1:29 pm January 24, 2012

Hero OK Lawmaker Seeks To Outlaw Aborted Fetuses As Food Ingredient

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The foodie craze from hell!

What’s in your anusburger, Oklahoma, besides cow rectums, sawdust and glue? It can be hard to tell! Have you ever, as a result, worried to yourself, what if there are also ground up aborted human fetuses in here and I don’t even realize it? Oklahoma state Senator Ralph Shortey — his real name! — worries so fervently about this possibility that he went and introduced a bill banning the use of aborted fetuses as an ingredient in “food or any other product intended for human consumption.” You know, JUST IN CASE, GUYS. (Dog food, on the other hand, is fine.)

Here is the entire text of Shortey’s bill, which we pray is the last remaining evidence of human civilization when aliens finally discover Earth:

No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.

OH and also this award-winning soundbite from Shortey, who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs immediately before he talked to this KRMG news reporter:

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.

He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else, but then again there’s no evidence that an invisible giant lizard isn’t responsible every time Ralph Shortey’s car keys are definitely not where he left them last time. So there. [KRMG.com/ The Lost Ogle; Thanks to Wonkette operative "Steve B."]

 
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{ 269 comments }

nounverb911 January 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

How many Okies will a peanut sized fetus feed?

JustPixelz January 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

All of them, nv911. Well, their brains, anyway.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Well, all of them, if Jesus is working the kitchen. Surely you know the story of the fetuses and loaves?

OkieDokieDog January 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I read this yesterday and all this OKIE could say was, Oh for fuck's sake.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

You poor thing!

Barb January 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yeah, but we can still make baby oil out of real babies, right?

nounverb911 January 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

And Girl Scout Cookies with real Girl Scouts.

jus_wonderin January 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Baby Powder, too. Cuz it is just so baby soft.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

And snortable.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Well … only if you cut it with real high-grade Colombian.

Negropolis January 25, 2012 at 4:16 am

"well…only if you cut it with real high-grade Colombians."

/Fixed

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

You squeeze 'em right?

GunToting[Redacted] January 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

That's for the high-dollar artisanal oil. It's far more efficient to shovel a few thousand into an industrial press.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

You need a tomato juicer http://www3.acitydiscount.net/pics/md/peachtrader
You don't want to bruise them during processing.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Oh, no, definitely not. The best baby oil comes from pristine, unbruised babies.

JustPixelz January 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

EVBO. Is there any other kind?

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

And I still want my baby back ribs.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Why not? There's loads of babies around anyway, and it's not like anybody *needs* them for anything *useful.*

Well, other than dog food, obvs.

donner_froh January 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That people like Rep. Shortey can get any votes at all shows that Oklahoma isn't ready for participatory democracy.

nounverb911 January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Or statehood.

Thurman Munster IV January 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

or existence

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I vote for this one.

Indiepalin January 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

This is good news for the Santorum family.

nounverb911 January 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I was so looking forward to a Godfather's pizza with thin sliced Gabriel on it.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It's been a few years since Gabriel, which means he's way too mushy for thin-slicing on a pizza, darls. There's got to be someone fresher around. The Duggars? They won't miss one.

Loaded_Pants January 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

And they can just make another one.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I think her eggs are past their use-by date, hon. The last few she produced weren't exactly, um, whole, or wholesome, or whatever the quaint little word is these days.

Sharkey January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

They're great for food coloring too.

elviouslyqueer January 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Plus they're a crucial ingredient in the cakes we like.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Those would be Red Velvet cakes. And the babies make the colour perfect. Also teh texture.

Negropolis January 25, 2012 at 4:18 am

Especially the blah ones.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Those definitely come in a MUCH wider assortment of all-natural colours.

starfanglednut January 28, 2012 at 6:33 pm

They have red blood too?!

OzoneTom January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I'd say that he's so-so rather than OK.

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Shit, he must have found out about the aborted fetus barbeque we were planning yesterday afternoon.

Loaded_Pants January 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

We buy our fetuses in bulk so we can make Baby Kebabs.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Remember to use a very hot flame, and only one minute on each side.

*Sniffs air* — "Is our chillun burnin'?"

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

No, you *didn't* go there! OMG!

I'm'a Tweet it, OK?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Why the Hell not?

DaRooster January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

There goes the Palin family burger stand.

OC_Surf_Serf January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Ah yes…smaller Government.

OC_Surf_Serf January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

…and here I though only cats went into dog food.

Terry January 24, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I think it's Ohio's turn. You know, the Mississippi of the Midwest.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Or the Alabama that stands between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

Nevermind, they're too busy with JoPa's funeral to notice this.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Outrage Mad Libs!!!!11!1!!1

OC_Surf_Serf January 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

White Castles need not be right next to Planned Parenthood anymore….

Biff January 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Thank god he differentiates between aborted fetus and natural stillborns, or Oklahomans might go hungry.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Total upfistiness.

Negropolis January 25, 2012 at 4:18 am

What was so wrong in all the right ways. lol

Gratuitous World January 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

As someone who's pro-food choice, I vehemently disagree with this legislation prohibiting something that wasn't happening.

but as long as they keep deregulating treatment of the water supply in order to entice natural gas investment. no one uses that stuff.

fartknocker January 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

We should apologetically return the Indian Territory back to the Native Americans. Wow, just when Texas, Arizona and South Carolina look stupid, Oklahoma steps up to the plate and makes everyone else appear very smart.

You're move Mississippi.

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

State by state the xtians are getting elected and dumbing down the political discourse. They have no intention of any kind of compromise, as they are determined to force their baseless and misguided beliefs on the rest of us. The GOP has actively courted these fanatics,nuts, and cultists- now we are all paying a heavy price.

1bob8 January 27, 2012 at 2:50 am

Who's for putting Oklahoma next to Florida? Hanging chads & aborted fetuses for all.

donner_froh January 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey

What the hell–aborted fetuses are organic so they couldn't be used in artificial flavors anyway.

Terry January 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

They aren't organic if the pregnant woman ate a lot of fast food, sodas, and twinkies.

Joshua Norton January 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

You know, he could just as easily have said, "I'm a Fox News educated moron" using far fewer words.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 8:23 pm

I'm pretty sure "Fox News educated" is an oxymoron.

On second thought, it works both ways, doesn't it?

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Ah'm supposed to feed a family of five on this got-damned little 6 ounce roll of fetuses?!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

*Some*body's in a mood today.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Don't know if you've heard this before, but…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4RNb3tt0LM

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

ZOMG, that was hilarious! Little bit plump, Scotch girl, is that what he said?

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Fetus Helper?

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I only eat Sharia food, so I don't have to worry about this.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

How do you make aborted fetii halal?

anniegetyerfun January 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I don't remember the exact process, but it's very similar to the one used for koshering aborted fetii.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

There! Whoever wanted your aborted fetus halal kosher joke? It's here!

Tundra Grifter January 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Get Shortey!

Meanwhile, never eat the meatloaf at a hospital cafeteria.

MosesInvests January 24, 2012 at 2:22 pm

And never eat gribenes from a mohel.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You know those crispy fried little squid? Yeah, exactly.

Sharkey January 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Nor can they be worn on your belt, as a fashion statement.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:14 pm

It's hard to caramelize babies with only two tablespoonfuls of oil.

VinnyThePooh January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I can't haz fetus fajitas?

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Fajitus?

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Now THAT'S funny!

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Is it still legal to use aborted fetuses in the manufacture of soap?

—Tyler Durden

DaRooster January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

As long as bringing home a still-born baby in a blanket and making your kids take turns holding it is still alright…

jus_wonderin January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Which wine, exactly, does one serve with aborted fetus?

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

And how to go about pairing when you have triplets?

SayItWithWookies January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

A beaujolais nouveau is sort of a stillborn wine, so that, as long as you weren't cooking your fetus in a light sauce that the wine would stomp on. If you wanted a white wine, I'd say a non-oaked viognier would do well.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Depends. Is it a brown or white fetus?

Biff January 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

And there it is, right there.

MozakiBlocks January 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I feel sooo ashamed for laughing at this…really…

GOPCrusher January 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

At least we will be in good company in Hell.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Sure, ALL the gay folk are going there.

MissTaken January 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'd say Chianti and some fava beans

jus_wonderin January 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Not Very Young Sweet Peas?

Steverino247 January 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

No, that's reserved for Census Taker Liver au Gratin.

WhatTheHolyHeck January 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

One eschews wine and goes for the hard stuff. Kabbalah Vodka, the choice of discriminating infantivores.

BornInATrailer January 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

You know what is weird… I actually think this same question came on in Wonkette comments before. Which is pretty funny.

Radiotherapy January 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Like a fine wine, some jokes age well.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I think it all depends on how it's cooked. A spicy preparation, for example, practically *demands* a slightly dry Riesling.

anniegetyerfun January 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I like a nice embryzado. Crisp.

KeepFnThatChicken January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I am no longer contended knowing that our nation's great weather nerds are stationed in this asshole's state. I feel like we should rescue them or something.

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

How about poor Dust and Okie Dokie? Can we raise money to help them self-deport themselves from Oklahoma?

OkieDokieDog January 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

YaHOO! We's agoin' to Californy!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I'd be happy to have you here, ODD.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I think we have a moral obligation to do so.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

FUCK! I didn't need to hear this right now because I'm in the midst of hammering out a deal memo for my new cereal Aborted Baby O's. Well screw you Oklahoma, you're not getting a high fiber breakfast from me!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Someday, Baconzgood, I will find out what you *truly* do for a living.

Joshua Norton January 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else,

I dunno. Those TGIF frozen dinners look awfully iffy.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Every time you buy one in New England a guy I go drinkin' with gets $.05. You don't have to EAT them though. Just buy them.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Thank Goodness it's Fetus?

emmelemm January 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Mmmmm…. fetus flavor!

Tundra Grifter January 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

is it simply cooincidence that on the SAME DAY SCOTUS issues this "slip opinion?"

http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/11pdf/10-224

What's a "slip opinion," you ask? More comments from Duh Gov'Nuh on Chris Christie's ("Christie Creme" to Off-the-Mark Levin) underwear?

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I managed to get through the first page before I realized I was reading obsessively again, and I *really* don't need to know what happens to my sausages and chops before they turn up that way on my table.

Tundra Grifter January 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

MB:

Apparently the folks making that sausage and chops don't want you to know, either. I can't imagine why not.

Look how well that turned out for Oprah down in Texas a while back.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I have no TV, and I almost never read anything except political/science/economic/business news, so I have no idea what happened to Oprah in Texas.

I hope she's OK.

Oblios_Cap January 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs

Good gawd, man!

There are some dumb SOBs in the Dust Bowl. (not Blues, of course)

fartknocker January 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Are those fetus Kosher?

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

There is a Halal and Sharia law joke there somewhere but I just can't flush it out.

UnholyMoses January 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Damn you!!!!

Great minds etc. etc. etc.

UnholyMoses January 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Are they kosher fetuses? 'Cause that makes a big difference in taste …

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

And a thousand OK Taco Bell managers just said "Shut it Down".

OkieDokieDog January 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

One of the Okies that I follow on the twitter went off on a rant one day because he was all pissed off about the meat (or lack of real meat) in whatever it was that he got from Taco Bell.

Tundra Grifter January 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I'm not going to have an opinion about all this until I hear from FOXPAC's Dr. I'llBlow.

savethispatient January 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

This law was previously unnecessary, as fetus-based food is outlawed in Sharia law, which was the major legal framework they used in OK until last year.

Buzz Feedback January 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Maybe those were tears of joy the Natives were crying when they got run out of OK.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

According to Nick Cardy, that was actually a Trail of Tiers, because they had an abiding love of working on tall buildings.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

That's bull. It's just the Modern Young Indian Man's way of counting coup, fer crisakes.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I thought they only used aborted fetuses in the manufacture of communion wafers.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Hush, you're going to get the Catholic Church run out of OK, next.

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

And I was hoping to get some use out of my Bass-O-Matic when it's not fishing season.

UnholyMoses January 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

That's terrific bass fetus!!

actor212 January 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Picture a jam so good, you'd dare name it Mangled Unborn Babies.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I am! Strawberry-raspberry, yum!

ETA: Was that the ad for Arrogant Bastard ale?

actor212 January 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Fluckers, a parody of the then-Smuckers jelly ads "With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good"

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Ah! Thanks. Ever since I got out of the copywriting business (left it for a younger, healthier, software business), I haven't paid much attention to the ad world. Fluckers. Will go search.

ETA: ZOMG, peeps, there IS an entry for "fluckers" in the Urban Dictionary. DO NOT WANT!!

Jerri January 24, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"YOU have a fetus!"

lowaltflier January 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Dick Cheney is not going to like this.

dadanarchist January 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm

He only needs the fetal blood. What you do with the husk after he's done draining its life force is really no matter to It… I mean, him.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Meh. There are 56 other states that Dick Cheney can get his aborted fetuses from.

owhatever January 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

So much for my secret BBQ recipe. which won best in show at the Oklahoma State Fair. Still, you can get anything that you want at Alice's Restaurant.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

See if I come over to YOUR place for BBQ, EVAH.

LesBontemps January 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Oklahoma Legislature puts the stupid in stupidity.

Also the ity.

JustPixelz January 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

And the O in OMFG.
And the K in KKK.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

You sure it wasn't the F in OMFG? 'Cause that would sure as hell explain how come we got so many fetuses.

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It's still legal to consume a non-aborted fetus though, right?

PHEW!

Radiotherapy January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Soylent Green is Fetus!!1!

Maman January 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm

or Mrs Lovett starts a new line of Baby Pies.

CommieLibunatic January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Have we lost our goddamned minds? This fetus stuff is skirting the fetishistic.
(this post is 150% fetus/snark free)

CapnFatback January 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"Fetus fetish."

Congratulations, you've just invented a new tongue twister. Look for it in Highlights magazine in a dentist's office near you!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Fetushistic.

FIFY, NNTT

PeaceWithHonor January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Twinkies have vitamins chemically derived from petroleum. But let's go after the fetus.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

For the nutritional benefits of the placenta! Has no one thought of the placenta?? Well that's all Mr. Shortey is concerned about, really. Anything less than a full-term bubuleh won't *deliver* the same amount of protein.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Hamburger helper! Yay!

Goonemeritus January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Why do all Republicans hate recycling so much? I was always taught in church that waste was a sin.

HempDogbane January 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.

Texan_Bulldog January 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Well, in his defense I do sometimes wonder what is in the "Mexican Surprise" they serve at Lubys.

Preferred Customer January 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Anchor babies?

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I thought that was just the Hispanic version of the Popcorn Surprise. That's what my buddy Jose used to call it when he'd take the white girls to the movies when we were in high school.

Naked_Bunny January 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm

The law specifically covers "human babies". Nothing there about Mexicans.

mrblifil January 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Oh well, so much for my Slurpee habit…

Extemporanus January 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Will Jarbara Bush be grandfathered in?

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Flavor of the month: fetus.

cheaphits January 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

More big government – a new bureaucracy…who ensures that our food is fetus-free?

Then a movement by rethugs to deregulate, after a series of payoffs and campaign contributions…ah, yes, it's coming into focus now.

SayItWithWookies January 24, 2012 at 1:47 pm

What a freak. Personally, I'd never use an aborted fetus as a food ingredient. It's just too damn cute hanging on my rearview mirror to eat.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Rep Shortey is simply suffering residual effects of an early childhood trauma when he misheard the lyrics his nursemaid, one who'd been in the family and nursed his pappy and probably the grandpappy too, sang as she cradled him:

"Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n, Shortey'n,
Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n Bread.
Two little children / Lyin' in the womb
One of em's sick / other'n ready for th' tomb;
Call for the abortionist/ Abortionist said:
'I reckon the dead one fit for Shortey'n Bread!' " ♫

DerrickWildcat January 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I think it is a good law.

dadanarchist January 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Once again, Peggy Noonan's immortal phrase – "Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to!" – has been demonstrated as one of the core operating principles of modern wingtardism.

In their mind, there is teh gay, butsexxx, soshulism, strapping young bucks, Black Panther Terrorist Monsters, and abortions literally *everywhere.* In this case, in our food. Or your white, whitey white white daughter's room. Did I say white?

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Not enough times, dear.

L188188 January 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Why do you think babies have soft spots on their heads? So we can carry 'em five at a time.

widestanceshakedown January 24, 2012 at 2:12 pm

FONTANELLE LIBEL!

CapnFatback January 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

"Choosy non-mothers choose Embry-Os! For a taste that's out of this blastosphere!"

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

First Sharia law, now fetus eating – Oklahoma is good at protecting its' citizens from imaginary threats. What's next, a law banning witchcraft Or how about a defense system for giant monster attacks?

Nesnora January 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

We must protect our fetuses against Tsathoggua. The caverns of N'kai under Oklahoma are his home, after all.

shebeers January 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

This makes Santorum's fetus fetish appear almost normal.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:35 pm

*Almost.*

Monsieur_Grumpe January 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

He just lost Jeffrey Dahmer's vote.

L188188 January 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

As well as Fat Bastard's.

Gleem_McShineys January 24, 2012 at 5:12 pm

"GET OUT OF THAT LASSIES BELLAE AND INNTA MAINE!"

Chichikovovich January 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Aw, damn. The beautiful, scenic drive from Stillwater to Topeka will be ruined by all those gaudy "Fetus burger!!!" signs that are going to spring up as you approach the Kansas border.

Toomush_Infer January 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Yeah, and I don't want any Santorum in there, either – and no Gingrichery….Some Romney's ok, if under the federal limits (it's just bland and rich), but under no circumstances any wild Bushery….

DerrickWildcat January 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

See, if you vote against it, they will say you were FOR eating babies and you probably won't get re-elected.

savethispatient January 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

What's worse is that Romney actually changed his position on baby-eating between becoming a Governor and running for President.

Generation[redacted] January 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

He won't admit it, but this is based on the same baby-eating program he instituted as Governor. It just doesn't pay to compromise with Republicans on the issue of baby-eating.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Well, I guess Arby's is going to have to shut down in Oklahoma.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Great. Now I have a craving for a fetus and cheddar sandwich. With Horsey Sauce.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

And now what am I going to do with my factory full of aborted fetuses that I have tasting everything to find a great flavor enhancer.

Why do the Republicans hate job creators like me???

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 24, 2012 at 1:56 pm

It is always important to base your laws on South Park episodes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Dies

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

What about Egg McMuffins? They're chicken abortions!!!

BornInATrailer January 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hamburger goes in the mouth. Hamburger comes out the vagina. You can't explain that!

JoeHoya January 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Looks like the price of Soylent Green is going up again …

dadanarchist January 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I say, shouldn't we do what the Free Market demands? If I want a fetus in my food and someone is willing to produce that for me, shouldn't we let the Invisible Hand (grasping some forceps) decide?

flamingpdog January 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I think Ralph Shortey is a perfect example of that partial-abortion birth they're always talking about. They delivered the body, but aborted the brain.

jus_wonderin January 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Dog Food? My Doxie is getting a bit heavy. Will there be a weight control version of the, sure to be delicious, Fetus Dog Food?

It does make one wonder what the names of this food will be. I'd love to be able to spot it immediately in the Pet Care aisle.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Ooh, Baby, Baby.

dadanarchist January 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm

What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?

You can't move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Generation[redacted] January 24, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Talk about unintended consequences! They outlawed Sharia, which opens the door for all kinds of non-halal fetus food.

Designer_Rants January 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm

There goes my Fetus Jerky sales. Oklahomans LOVE that shit!

Gleem_McShineys January 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm

SNAP INTO A SLIM GYMN

Nesnora January 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

He's just confused: he thought "The Road" was a documentary.

Generation[redacted] January 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Sing it! I want my babybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabyback…

iburl January 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.

I knew this tea was too good to be true: http://twoifbytea.com/

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I don't know about you, but I'm going to go out to the HEB and stock up on Baby-Os right now, in case this legislation passes! That's good Super Bowl snackin'!!!

Nostrildamus January 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

No aborted fetuses in our food! Ground up brown folks is fine, though.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What *else* ya gonna do with them? 11 million people don't just "self-deport," ya know.

Thurman Munster IV January 24, 2012 at 2:07 pm

O-klahoma, where the shitheads cover all the plains
Where an aborted fetus, they think could feed us
And their leaders all have shit for brains!

Wonderthing January 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who maliciously tear the tags off of mattresses and pillows when the tag quite clearly states that no one should except for consumers…oh wait a minute…I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who would allow bridge trolls to camp out more than two days under overpasses…or over underpasses…or…wait….

Generation[redacted] January 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I won't rest until we have a Constitutional Amendment outlawing all-controlling Matrix computers that use human slaves for batteries, by suspending them in a virtual world based on 1990s NYC.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses"

So, Purina and Old Roy are still good to go, right?

MozakiBlocks January 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
Oklahoma O.K.

widestanceshakedown January 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

But, doesn't eating the fetus just make the best of a bad situation?

Bonghits4Jesus January 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Cannibalism is a sin! Oh wait, what's in the communion wafers?

decentcitizen January 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Who is the brave OK legislator who will vote against this measure?

EatsBabyDingos January 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The second part of the bill says that if you keep fetal remains around the house, you must put a notice on the jar that says "Not for human consumption." Barbara Bush was not amused.

coolhandnuke January 24, 2012 at 2:18 pm

This is sad news for Lil Debbie who must scrap their new marketing slogan "life begins at confection."

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm

This is bad news for Fat Bastard.

Nostrildamus January 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Why does Oklahoma hate capitalism?

EatsBabyDingos January 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Wingtard Biology 101: The known tastebuds are Salty, Spicy, Sweet, MSG, and Aborty.

Designer_Rants January 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Aborty is way more addictive than MSG.

Eve8Apples January 24, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Note to self – on my next visit to OK, I'm bringing my own snack bars, chips, fresh fruit, etc because the food supply in that state is really suspect.

CountryClubJihadi January 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Now I'm craving Gefilte Fish and Pigs in a Blanket.

maw2 January 24, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Please people!! I am on the floor laughing! My face hurts!

meatlofer January 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

They fed the biggest surplus of Fetuses to Ronald Reagan,kept him alive for months.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 10:19 am

That explains cheney, also.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Barb Bush's home jarring business was just flushed down the crapper in OK.

OneYieldRegular January 24, 2012 at 2:29 pm

First the anti-Sharia-law bill and now this? What's next – an ordinance prohibiting the parking of UFO's in metered zones?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 24, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Waste not want not.

Allmighty_Manos January 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Poor people however make perfect ingredients for cold cuts and canned meats.

CheeseNPear January 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Yay! Lu Xun's Diary of a Madman is once again topical!

Seriously – the fear that your lunch somehow contains dead people is a real psychosis.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I guess I'll need to reread that. I don't recall anything about dead people, but then, I read it about thirty years ago.

Is this what it feels like, knowing that your brain is deteriorating? You can't remember things you read once?

sunmusing January 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Soooo. I can't walk into a Burger King in Ok and demand "Where's the fetus?".

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hai-yah! Si, le!

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Well, now what's going to happen to Jarbara?

Those preserves don't have an unlimited shelf life, you know.

Dashboard Buddha January 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Meh…they'd be better off turning the fetuses into soap. Anyone wanna fight about it?

BigDumbRedDog January 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I only eat birthed babies, so I'm okay. Yum!

An_Outhouse January 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Ground up aborted human fetuses are people too, my friend.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Santorum already has a copyright on that.

real_dc_native January 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I always thought I had a sick mind hanging out here at Wonkette and all but I've decided that there are no sickos here after reading about this. State legislatures though? Full of sickos.

prommie January 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I'd rather eat fetus than xanthan gum.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I feel the same way about Play Doh.

real_dc_native January 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I wonder if this guy got the idea from watching South Park.

BigDumbRedDog January 24, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I had a chinese fetus for lunch and i'm already hungry again.

Steverino247 January 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I had a German-Chinese fetus and two hours later I had a hunger for power (with apologies to DIck Cavett, who wrote the non-fetal version of that joke).

Jerri January 24, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Shucks! Now I'll never get my food vendor's permit for Deep Fried Fetus On a Stick at the Oklahoma State Fair!

Eve8Apples January 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I'm grateful I'm not an Oklahoma resident. I have a recipe for aborted fetus cupcakes I've been anxious to try. Does anyone know when our entries are due for the next Pilsbury bake-off?

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Oh, big deal.

Jonathan Swift had this all figured out years ago in his Modest Proposal:

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout."

Man0nTheStreet January 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Of course Senator Short-bus wants to outlaw it, after he's gotten bored with it!

Schmegeg January 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Just throw them in with Wu's pigs.

WiscDad January 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I thought Republicans were all about reducing the size of government. Now we're going to have a new cabinet secretary with thousands of minions to police this huge industry of fetal foodstuffs

DerrickWildcat January 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I'm sure this guy probably wants to get rid of the FDA so who will regulate it if it passes?

Steverino247 January 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Opening soon! Shorty's All-you-can-eat Fetal BBQ. No fetus can beat us!

lochnessmonster January 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

He probably collects them and wants some new specimens. (I don't know why this is the first thing that came into my mind…)

Gleem_McShineys January 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Fetus is going to make a fortune in Oklahoma

DahBoner January 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

But, how will pet food manufacurers be able to meet Wal-mart's price point for the off-brand dog food???

Troglodeity January 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Beware the Law of Unintended Consequences: after this law passes, it'll be legal in Oklahoma to kill and eat anyone already born and living.

Or maybe that's an intended consequence. I don't know that much about Sen. Shortey.

chascates January 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Aborted fetuses would be a much safer ingredient than the legally allowed levels of insects, rat dung, and completely untested chemicals that are permitted under federal law.

And Jackie and Aristotle Onassis loved eating unborn lamb (true fact) so there. What I mean is the lamb was cut out of its mother and then prepared. Eating it raw would be disgusting!

Naked_Bunny January 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Oklahoma: Where legislation and Time Cube intersect.

Naked_Bunny January 24, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I assume this will be one of those massive government programs that costs nothing and reduces regulation.

jgalleg4 January 24, 2012 at 6:59 pm

So does that mean I can still put miscarried fetuses on my pizza?

new_pic_for_NEWTer January 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

All I can say, as I wipe the tears, tears of laughter, from my streaming eyes, is that y'all are some witty muthafuckas…

__kth__ January 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Picture of Shortey at the Lost Ogle link truly must-see ( you're welcome ).

Biff January 25, 2012 at 10:24 am

As Lou $arah sez, "what's the dildo"? It's just veal, people!

ttommyunger January 25, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Look Ralph, "Baby Back Ribs" doesn't actually mean they're…..Oh never mind.

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Oklahoma, again writing headlines for the Onion. I live among morons.

Crowe2011 January 30, 2012 at 5:17 am

Soylent Green is Corporations!

BigDumbRedDog January 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

extra virgin baby oil. yum!

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

At that stage, they might all be virgins. Even in OK.

JustPixelz January 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I know you're OK, but it's so much easier to judge a group of people by a superficial characteristic.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 5:05 pm

If any weren't, it was a gift from God.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I think only aphids come pre-born pregnant, Biely. Better check your encyclopedia of bizarre biological facts.

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

In HUGE amounts, apparently, since Baconzgood requires that to furnish his lavish lovestyle.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm

You mean, "check in with MittBorg"? (I tease!)

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Them, and Miastor midges. Gruesome little monsters, straight out of Alien. (They certainly cast Santorum's ideas in a perverse new light!)

MittBorg January 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

You do! And you do it so well, dear Chet! (hugs you anyway)

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

HAHAHA, I'd forgotten about those. Truly awful. In a delighfully, um, Satanic sort of way.

Thanks, Biely. You make my morning brighter.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Poor sick child, who knows what passes through that magnificent yet fevered brain.

And I thought I was bad.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Odd, this comment keeps showing up in my email, but not on Wonketz.Heinz!

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