What’s in your anusburger, Oklahoma, besides cow rectums, sawdust and glue? It can be hard to tell! Have you ever, as a result, worried to yourself, what if there are also ground up aborted human fetuses in here and I don’t even realize it? Oklahoma state Senator Ralph Shortey — his real name! — worries so fervently about this possibility that he went and introduced a bill banning the use of aborted fetuses as an ingredient in “food or any other product intended for human consumption.” You know, JUST IN CASE, GUYS. (Dog food, on the other hand, is fine.)
Here is the entire text of Shortey’s bill, which we pray is the last remaining evidence of human civilization when aliens finally discover Earth:
No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.
OH and also this award-winning soundbite from Shortey, who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs immediately before he talked to this KRMG news reporter:
“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.
He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else, but then again there’s no evidence that an invisible giant lizard isn’t responsible every time Ralph Shortey’s car keys are definitely not where he left them last time. So there. [KRMG.com/ The Lost Ogle; Thanks to Wonkette operative "Steve B."]
{ 269 comments }
How many Okies will a peanut sized fetus feed?
All of them, nv911. Well, their brains, anyway.
Well, all of them, if Jesus is working the kitchen. Surely you know the story of the fetuses and loaves?
I read this yesterday and all this OKIE could say was, Oh for fuck's sake.
You poor thing!
Yeah, but we can still make baby oil out of real babies, right?
And Girl Scout Cookies with real Girl Scouts.
Baby Powder, too. Cuz it is just so baby soft.
And snortable.
Well … only if you cut it with real high-grade Colombian.
"well…only if you cut it with real high-grade Colombians."
/Fixed
You squeeze 'em right?
That's for the high-dollar artisanal oil. It's far more efficient to shovel a few thousand into an industrial press.
You need a tomato juicer http://www3.acitydiscount.net/pics/md/peachtrader…
You don't want to bruise them during processing.
Oh, no, definitely not. The best baby oil comes from pristine, unbruised babies.
EVBO. Is there any other kind?
And I still want my baby back ribs.
Why not? There's loads of babies around anyway, and it's not like anybody *needs* them for anything *useful.*
Well, other than dog food, obvs.
That people like Rep. Shortey can get any votes at all shows that Oklahoma isn't ready for participatory democracy.
Or statehood.
or existence
I vote for this one.
This is good news for the Santorum family.
I was so looking forward to a Godfather's pizza with thin sliced Gabriel on it.
It's been a few years since Gabriel, which means he's way too mushy for thin-slicing on a pizza, darls. There's got to be someone fresher around. The Duggars? They won't miss one.
And they can just make another one.
I think her eggs are past their use-by date, hon. The last few she produced weren't exactly, um, whole, or wholesome, or whatever the quaint little word is these days.
They're great for food coloring too.
Plus they're a crucial ingredient in the cakes we like.
Those would be Red Velvet cakes. And the babies make the colour perfect. Also teh texture.
Especially the blah ones.
Those definitely come in a MUCH wider assortment of all-natural colours.
They have red blood too?!
I'd say that he's so-so rather than OK.
Shit, he must have found out about the aborted fetus barbeque we were planning yesterday afternoon.
We buy our fetuses in bulk so we can make Baby Kebabs.
Remember to use a very hot flame, and only one minute on each side.
*Sniffs air* — "Is our chillun burnin'?"
No, you *didn't* go there! OMG!
I'm'a Tweet it, OK?
Why the Hell not?
There goes the Palin family burger stand.
Ah yes…smaller Government.
…and here I though only cats went into dog food.
I think it's Ohio's turn. You know, the Mississippi of the Midwest.
Or the Alabama that stands between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.
Nevermind, they're too busy with JoPa's funeral to notice this.
Outrage Mad Libs!!!!11!1!!1
White Castles need not be right next to Planned Parenthood anymore….
Thank god he differentiates between aborted fetus and natural stillborns, or Oklahomans might go hungry.
Total upfistiness.
What was so wrong in all the right ways. lol
As someone who's pro-food choice, I vehemently disagree with this legislation prohibiting something that wasn't happening.
but as long as they keep deregulating treatment of the water supply in order to entice natural gas investment. no one uses that stuff.
We should apologetically return the Indian Territory back to the Native Americans. Wow, just when Texas, Arizona and South Carolina look stupid, Oklahoma steps up to the plate and makes everyone else appear very smart.
You're move Mississippi.
State by state the xtians are getting elected and dumbing down the political discourse. They have no intention of any kind of compromise, as they are determined to force their baseless and misguided beliefs on the rest of us. The GOP has actively courted these fanatics,nuts, and cultists- now we are all paying a heavy price.
Who's for putting Oklahoma next to Florida? Hanging chads & aborted fetuses for all.
basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey
What the hell–aborted fetuses are organic so they couldn't be used in artificial flavors anyway.
They aren't organic if the pregnant woman ate a lot of fast food, sodas, and twinkies.
You know, he could just as easily have said, "I'm a Fox News educated moron" using far fewer words.
I'm pretty sure "Fox News educated" is an oxymoron.
On second thought, it works both ways, doesn't it?
Ah'm supposed to feed a family of five on this got-damned little 6 ounce roll of fetuses?!
*Some*body's in a mood today.
Don't know if you've heard this before, but…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4RNb3tt0LM
ZOMG, that was hilarious! Little bit plump, Scotch girl, is that what he said?
Fetus Helper?
I only eat Sharia food, so I don't have to worry about this.
How do you make aborted fetii halal?
I don't remember the exact process, but it's very similar to the one used for koshering aborted fetii.
There! Whoever wanted your aborted fetus halal kosher joke? It's here!
Get Shortey!
Meanwhile, never eat the meatloaf at a hospital cafeteria.
And never eat gribenes from a mohel.
You know those crispy fried little squid? Yeah, exactly.
What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
Nor can they be worn on your belt, as a fashion statement.
It's hard to caramelize babies with only two tablespoonfuls of oil.
I can't haz fetus fajitas?
Fajitus?
Now THAT'S funny!
Is it still legal to use aborted fetuses in the manufacture of soap?
—Tyler Durden
As long as bringing home a still-born baby in a blanket and making your kids take turns holding it is still alright…
Which wine, exactly, does one serve with aborted fetus?
And how to go about pairing when you have triplets?
A beaujolais nouveau is sort of a stillborn wine, so that, as long as you weren't cooking your fetus in a light sauce that the wine would stomp on. If you wanted a white wine, I'd say a non-oaked viognier would do well.
Depends. Is it a brown or white fetus?
And there it is, right there.
I feel sooo ashamed for laughing at this…really…
At least we will be in good company in Hell.
Sure, ALL the gay folk are going there.
I'd say Chianti and some fava beans
Not Very Young Sweet Peas?
No, that's reserved for Census Taker Liver au Gratin.
One eschews wine and goes for the hard stuff. Kabbalah Vodka, the choice of discriminating infantivores.
You know what is weird… I actually think this same question came on in Wonkette comments before. Which is pretty funny.
Like a fine wine, some jokes age well.
I think it all depends on how it's cooked. A spicy preparation, for example, practically *demands* a slightly dry Riesling.
I like a nice embryzado. Crisp.
I am no longer contended knowing that our nation's great weather nerds are stationed in this asshole's state. I feel like we should rescue them or something.
How about poor Dust and Okie Dokie? Can we raise money to help them self-deport themselves from Oklahoma?
YaHOO! We's agoin' to Californy!
I'd be happy to have you here, ODD.
I think we have a moral obligation to do so.
FUCK! I didn't need to hear this right now because I'm in the midst of hammering out a deal memo for my new cereal Aborted Baby O's. Well screw you Oklahoma, you're not getting a high fiber breakfast from me!
Someday, Baconzgood, I will find out what you *truly* do for a living.
He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else,
I dunno. Those TGIF frozen dinners look awfully iffy.
Every time you buy one in New England a guy I go drinkin' with gets $.05. You don't have to EAT them though. Just buy them.
Thank Goodness it's Fetus?
Mmmmm…. fetus flavor!
is it simply cooincidence that on the SAME DAY SCOTUS issues this "slip opinion?"
http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/11pdf/10-224…
What's a "slip opinion," you ask? More comments from Duh Gov'Nuh on Chris Christie's ("Christie Creme" to Off-the-Mark Levin) underwear?
I managed to get through the first page before I realized I was reading obsessively again, and I *really* don't need to know what happens to my sausages and chops before they turn up that way on my table.
MB:
Apparently the folks making that sausage and chops don't want you to know, either. I can't imagine why not.
Look how well that turned out for Oprah down in Texas a while back.
I have no TV, and I almost never read anything except political/science/economic/business news, so I have no idea what happened to Oprah in Texas.
I hope she's OK.
who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs
Good gawd, man!
There are some dumb SOBs in the Dust Bowl. (not Blues, of course)
Are those fetus Kosher?
There is a Halal and Sharia law joke there somewhere but I just can't flush it out.
Damn you!!!!
Great minds etc. etc. etc.
Are they kosher fetuses? 'Cause that makes a big difference in taste …
And a thousand OK Taco Bell managers just said "Shut it Down".
One of the Okies that I follow on the twitter went off on a rant one day because he was all pissed off about the meat (or lack of real meat) in whatever it was that he got from Taco Bell.
I'm not going to have an opinion about all this until I hear from FOXPAC's Dr. I'llBlow.
This law was previously unnecessary, as fetus-based food is outlawed in Sharia law, which was the major legal framework they used in OK until last year.
Maybe those were tears of joy the Natives were crying when they got run out of OK.
According to Nick Cardy, that was actually a Trail of Tiers, because they had an abiding love of working on tall buildings.
That's bull. It's just the Modern Young Indian Man's way of counting coup, fer crisakes.
I thought they only used aborted fetuses in the manufacture of communion wafers.
Hush, you're going to get the Catholic Church run out of OK, next.
And I was hoping to get some use out of my Bass-O-Matic when it's not fishing season.
That's terrific
bassfetus!!Picture a jam so good, you'd dare name it Mangled Unborn Babies.
I am! Strawberry-raspberry, yum!
ETA: Was that the ad for Arrogant Bastard ale?
Fluckers, a parody of the then-Smuckers jelly ads "With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good"
Ah! Thanks. Ever since I got out of the copywriting business (left it for a younger, healthier, software business), I haven't paid much attention to the ad world. Fluckers. Will go search.
ETA: ZOMG, peeps, there IS an entry for "fluckers" in the Urban Dictionary. DO NOT WANT!!
"YOU have a fetus!"
Dick Cheney is not going to like this.
He only needs the fetal blood. What you do with the husk after he's done draining its life force is really no matter to It… I mean, him.
Meh. There are 56 other states that Dick Cheney can get his aborted fetuses from.
So much for my secret BBQ recipe. which won best in show at the Oklahoma State Fair. Still, you can get anything that you want at Alice's Restaurant.
See if I come over to YOUR place for BBQ, EVAH.
Oklahoma Legislature puts the stupid in stupidity.
Also the ity.
And the O in OMFG.
And the K in KKK.
You sure it wasn't the F in OMFG? 'Cause that would sure as hell explain how come we got so many fetuses.
It's still legal to consume a non-aborted fetus though, right?
PHEW!
Soylent Green is Fetus!!1!
or Mrs Lovett starts a new line of Baby Pies.
Have we lost our goddamned minds? This fetus stuff is skirting the fetishistic.
(this post is 150% fetus/snark free)
"Fetus fetish."
Congratulations, you've just invented a new tongue twister. Look for it in Highlights magazine in a dentist's office near you!
Fetushistic.
FIFY, NNTT
Twinkies have vitamins chemically derived from petroleum. But let's go after the fetus.
For the nutritional benefits of the placenta! Has no one thought of the placenta?? Well that's all Mr. Shortey is concerned about, really. Anything less than a full-term bubuleh won't *deliver* the same amount of protein.
Hamburger helper! Yay!
Why do all Republicans hate recycling so much? I was always taught in church that waste was a sin.
That reminds me, I need to buy cat food.
Well, in his defense I do sometimes wonder what is in the "Mexican Surprise" they serve at Lubys.
Anchor babies?
I thought that was just the Hispanic version of the Popcorn Surprise. That's what my buddy Jose used to call it when he'd take the white girls to the movies when we were in high school.
The law specifically covers "human babies". Nothing there about Mexicans.
Oh well, so much for my Slurpee habit…
Will Jarbara Bush be grandfathered in?
Flavor of the month: fetus.
More big government – a new bureaucracy…who ensures that our food is fetus-free?
Then a movement by rethugs to deregulate, after a series of payoffs and campaign contributions…ah, yes, it's coming into focus now.
What a freak. Personally, I'd never use an aborted fetus as a food ingredient. It's just too damn cute hanging on my rearview mirror to eat.
Rep Shortey is simply suffering residual effects of an early childhood trauma when he misheard the lyrics his nursemaid, one who'd been in the family and nursed his pappy and probably the grandpappy too, sang as she cradled him:
"Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n, Shortey'n,
Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n Bread.
Two little children / Lyin' in the womb
One of em's sick / other'n ready for th' tomb;
Call for the abortionist/ Abortionist said:
'I reckon the dead one fit for Shortey'n Bread!' " ♫
I think it is a good law.
Once again, Peggy Noonan's immortal phrase – "Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to!" – has been demonstrated as one of the core operating principles of modern wingtardism.
In their mind, there is teh gay, butsexxx, soshulism, strapping young bucks, Black Panther Terrorist Monsters, and abortions literally *everywhere.* In this case, in our food. Or your white, whitey white white daughter's room. Did I say white?
Not enough times, dear.
Why do you think babies have soft spots on their heads? So we can carry 'em five at a time.
FONTANELLE LIBEL!
"Choosy non-mothers choose Embry-Os! For a taste that's out of this blastosphere!"
First Sharia law, now fetus eating – Oklahoma is good at protecting its' citizens from imaginary threats. What's next, a law banning witchcraft Or how about a defense system for giant monster attacks?
We must protect our fetuses against Tsathoggua. The caverns of N'kai under Oklahoma are his home, after all.
This makes Santorum's fetus fetish appear almost normal.
*Almost.*
He just lost Jeffrey Dahmer's vote.
As well as Fat Bastard's.
"GET OUT OF THAT LASSIES BELLAE AND INNTA MAINE!"
Aw, damn. The beautiful, scenic drive from Stillwater to Topeka will be ruined by all those gaudy "Fetus burger!!!" signs that are going to spring up as you approach the Kansas border.
Yeah, and I don't want any Santorum in there, either – and no Gingrichery….Some Romney's ok, if under the federal limits (it's just bland and rich), but under no circumstances any wild Bushery….
See, if you vote against it, they will say you were FOR eating babies and you probably won't get re-elected.
What's worse is that Romney actually changed his position on baby-eating between becoming a Governor and running for President.
He won't admit it, but this is based on the same baby-eating program he instituted as Governor. It just doesn't pay to compromise with Republicans on the issue of baby-eating.
Well, I guess Arby's is going to have to shut down in Oklahoma.
Great. Now I have a craving for a fetus and cheddar sandwich. With Horsey Sauce.
And now what am I going to do with my factory full of aborted fetuses that I have tasting everything to find a great flavor enhancer.
Why do the Republicans hate job creators like me???
It is always important to base your laws on South Park episodes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Dies
What about Egg McMuffins? They're chicken abortions!!!
Hamburger goes in the mouth. Hamburger comes out the vagina. You can't explain that!
Looks like the price of Soylent Green is going up again …
I say, shouldn't we do what the Free Market demands? If I want a fetus in my food and someone is willing to produce that for me, shouldn't we let the Invisible Hand (grasping some forceps) decide?
I think Ralph Shortey is a perfect example of that partial-abortion birth they're always talking about. They delivered the body, but aborted the brain.
Dog Food? My Doxie is getting a bit heavy. Will there be a weight control version of the, sure to be delicious, Fetus Dog Food?
It does make one wonder what the names of this food will be. I'd love to be able to spot it immediately in the Pet Care aisle.
Ooh, Baby, Baby.
What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
You can't move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Talk about unintended consequences! They outlawed Sharia, which opens the door for all kinds of non-halal fetus food.
There goes my Fetus Jerky sales. Oklahomans LOVE that shit!
SNAP INTO A SLIM GYMN
He's just confused: he thought "The Road" was a documentary.
Sing it! I want my babybackbabybackbabybackbabybackbabyback…
“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.
I knew this tea was too good to be true: http://twoifbytea.com/
I don't know about you, but I'm going to go out to the HEB and stock up on Baby-Os right now, in case this legislation passes! That's good Super Bowl snackin'!!!
No aborted fetuses in our food! Ground up brown folks is fine, though.
What *else* ya gonna do with them? 11 million people don't just "self-deport," ya know.
O-klahoma, where the shitheads cover all the plains
Where an aborted fetus, they think could feed us
And their leaders all have shit for brains!
I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who maliciously tear the tags off of mattresses and pillows when the tag quite clearly states that no one should except for consumers…oh wait a minute…I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who would allow bridge trolls to camp out more than two days under overpasses…or over underpasses…or…wait….
I won't rest until we have a Constitutional Amendment outlawing all-controlling Matrix computers that use human slaves for batteries, by suspending them in a virtual world based on 1990s NYC.
"manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses"
So, Purina and Old Roy are still good to go, right?
We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
Oklahoma O.K.
But, doesn't eating the fetus just make the best of a bad situation?
Cannibalism is a sin! Oh wait, what's in the communion wafers?
Who is the brave OK legislator who will vote against this measure?
The second part of the bill says that if you keep fetal remains around the house, you must put a notice on the jar that says "Not for human consumption." Barbara Bush was not amused.
This is sad news for Lil Debbie who must scrap their new marketing slogan "life begins at confection."
This is bad news for Fat Bastard.
Why does Oklahoma hate capitalism?
Wingtard Biology 101: The known tastebuds are Salty, Spicy, Sweet, MSG, and Aborty.
Aborty is way more addictive than MSG.
Note to self – on my next visit to OK, I'm bringing my own snack bars, chips, fresh fruit, etc because the food supply in that state is really suspect.
Now I'm craving Gefilte Fish and Pigs in a Blanket.
Please people!! I am on the floor laughing! My face hurts!
They fed the biggest surplus of Fetuses to Ronald Reagan,kept him alive for months.
That explains cheney, also.
Barb Bush's home jarring business was just flushed down the crapper in OK.
First the anti-Sharia-law bill and now this? What's next – an ordinance prohibiting the parking of UFO's in metered zones?
Waste not want not.
Poor people however make perfect ingredients for cold cuts and canned meats.
Yay! Lu Xun's Diary of a Madman is once again topical!
Seriously – the fear that your lunch somehow contains dead people is a real psychosis.
I guess I'll need to reread that. I don't recall anything about dead people, but then, I read it about thirty years ago.
Is this what it feels like, knowing that your brain is deteriorating? You can't remember things you read once?
Soooo. I can't walk into a Burger King in Ok and demand "Where's the fetus?".
Hai-yah! Si, le!
Well, now what's going to happen to Jarbara?
Those preserves don't have an unlimited shelf life, you know.
Meh…they'd be better off turning the fetuses into soap. Anyone wanna fight about it?
I only eat birthed babies, so I'm okay. Yum!
Ground up aborted human fetuses are people too, my friend.
Santorum already has a copyright on that.
I always thought I had a sick mind hanging out here at Wonkette and all but I've decided that there are no sickos here after reading about this. State legislatures though? Full of sickos.
I'd rather eat fetus than xanthan gum.
I feel the same way about Play Doh.
I wonder if this guy got the idea from watching South Park.
I had a chinese fetus for lunch and i'm already hungry again.
I had a German-Chinese fetus and two hours later I had a hunger for power (with apologies to DIck Cavett, who wrote the non-fetal version of that joke).
Shucks! Now I'll never get my food vendor's permit for Deep Fried Fetus On a Stick at the Oklahoma State Fair!
I'm grateful I'm not an Oklahoma resident. I have a recipe for aborted fetus cupcakes I've been anxious to try. Does anyone know when our entries are due for the next Pilsbury bake-off?
Oh, big deal.
Jonathan Swift had this all figured out years ago in his Modest Proposal:
"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout."
Of course Senator Short-bus wants to outlaw it, after he's gotten bored with it!
Just throw them in with Wu's pigs.
I thought Republicans were all about reducing the size of government. Now we're going to have a new cabinet secretary with thousands of minions to police this huge industry of fetal foodstuffs
I'm sure this guy probably wants to get rid of the FDA so who will regulate it if it passes?
Opening soon! Shorty's All-you-can-eat Fetal BBQ. No fetus can beat us!
He probably collects them and wants some new specimens. (I don't know why this is the first thing that came into my mind…)
The makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Fetus is going to make a fortune in Oklahoma
But, how will pet food manufacurers be able to meet Wal-mart's price point for the off-brand dog food???
Beware the Law of Unintended Consequences: after this law passes, it'll be legal in Oklahoma to kill and eat anyone already born and living.
Or maybe that's an intended consequence. I don't know that much about Sen. Shortey.
Aborted fetuses would be a much safer ingredient than the legally allowed levels of insects, rat dung, and completely untested chemicals that are permitted under federal law.
And Jackie and Aristotle Onassis loved eating unborn lamb (true fact) so there. What I mean is the lamb was cut out of its mother and then prepared. Eating it raw would be disgusting!
Oklahoma: Where legislation and Time Cube intersect.
I assume this will be one of those massive government programs that costs nothing and reduces regulation.
So does that mean I can still put miscarried fetuses on my pizza?
All I can say, as I wipe the tears, tears of laughter, from my streaming eyes, is that y'all are some witty muthafuckas…
Picture of Shortey at the Lost Ogle link truly must-see ( you're welcome ).
As Lou $arah sez, "what's the dildo"? It's just veal, people!
Look Ralph, "Baby Back Ribs" doesn't actually mean they're…..Oh never mind.
Oklahoma, again writing headlines for the Onion. I live among morons.
Soylent Green is Corporations!
extra virgin baby oil. yum!
At that stage, they might all be virgins. Even in OK.
I know you're OK, but it's so much easier to judge a group of people by a superficial characteristic.
If any weren't, it was a gift from God.
I think only aphids come pre-born pregnant, Biely. Better check your encyclopedia of bizarre biological facts.
In HUGE amounts, apparently, since Baconzgood requires that to furnish his lavish lovestyle.
You mean, "check in with MittBorg"? (I tease!)
Them, and Miastor midges. Gruesome little monsters, straight out of Alien. (They certainly cast Santorum's ideas in a perverse new light!)
You do! And you do it so well, dear Chet! (hugs you anyway)
HAHAHA, I'd forgotten about those. Truly awful. In a delighfully, um, Satanic sort of way.
Thanks, Biely. You make my morning brighter.
Poor sick child, who knows what passes through that magnificent yet fevered brain.
And I thought I was bad.
Odd, this comment keeps showing up in my email, but not on Wonketz.Heinz!
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