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Hero OK Lawmaker Seeks To Outlaw Aborted Fetuses As Food Ingredient

The foodie craze from hell!

What’s in your anusburger, Oklahoma, besides cow rectums, sawdust and glue? It can be hard to tell! Have you ever, as a result, worried to yourself, what if there are also ground up aborted human fetuses in here and I don’t even realize it? Oklahoma state Senator Ralph Shortey — his real name! — worries so fervently about this possibility that he went and introduced a bill banning the use of aborted fetuses as an ingredient in “food or any other product intended for human consumption.” You know, JUST IN CASE, GUYS. (Dog food, on the other hand, is fine.)

Here is the entire text of Shortey’s bill, which we pray is the last remaining evidence of human civilization when aliens finally discover Earth:

No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.

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OH and also this award-winning soundbite from Shortey, who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs immediately before he talked to this KRMG news reporter:

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.

He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else, but then again there’s no evidence that an invisible giant lizard isn’t responsible every time Ralph Shortey’s car keys are definitely not where he left them last time. So there. [KRMG.com/ The Lost Ogle; Thanks to Wonkette operative "Steve B."]

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Hola wonkerados.

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269 comments

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, all of them, if Jesus is working the kitchen. Surely you know the story of the fetuses and loaves?

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        That's for the high-dollar artisanal oil. It's far more efficient to shovel a few thousand into an industrial press.

    1. MittBorg

      Why not? There's loads of babies around anyway, and it's not like anybody *needs* them for anything *useful.*

      Well, other than dog food, obvs.

      1. MittBorg

        It's been a few years since Gabriel, which means he's way too mushy for thin-slicing on a pizza, darls. There's got to be someone fresher around. The Duggars? They won't miss one.

          1. MittBorg

            I think her eggs are past their use-by date, hon. The last few she produced weren't exactly, um, whole, or wholesome, or whatever the quaint little word is these days.

  1. SorosBot

    Shit, he must have found out about the aborted fetus barbeque we were planning yesterday afternoon.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Remember to use a very hot flame, and only one minute on each side.

      *Sniffs air* — "Is our chillun burnin'?"

  2. Biff

    Thank god he differentiates between aborted fetus and natural stillborns, or Oklahomans might go hungry.

  3. Gratuitous World

    As someone who's pro-food choice, I vehemently disagree with this legislation prohibiting something that wasn't happening.

    but as long as they keep deregulating treatment of the water supply in order to entice natural gas investment. no one uses that stuff.

  4. fartknocker

    We should apologetically return the Indian Territory back to the Native Americans. Wow, just when Texas, Arizona and South Carolina look stupid, Oklahoma steps up to the plate and makes everyone else appear very smart.

    You're move Mississippi.

    1. Barrelhse

      State by state the xtians are getting elected and dumbing down the political discourse. They have no intention of any kind of compromise, as they are determined to force their baseless and misguided beliefs on the rest of us. The GOP has actively courted these fanatics,nuts, and cultists- now we are all paying a heavy price.

  5. donner_froh

    basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey

    What the hell–aborted fetuses are organic so they couldn't be used in artificial flavors anyway.

  6. Joshua Norton

    You know, he could just as easily have said, "I'm a Fox News educated moron" using far fewer words.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pretty sure "Fox News educated" is an oxymoron.

      On second thought, it works both ways, doesn't it?

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I don't remember the exact process, but it's very similar to the one used for koshering aborted fetii.

  7. DaRooster

    As long as bringing home a still-born baby in a blanket and making your kids take turns holding it is still alright…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      A beaujolais nouveau is sort of a stillborn wine, so that, as long as you weren't cooking your fetus in a light sauce that the wine would stomp on. If you wanted a white wine, I'd say a non-oaked viognier would do well.

    2. BornInATrailer

      You know what is weird… I actually think this same question came on in Wonkette comments before. Which is pretty funny.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    I am no longer contended knowing that our nation's great weather nerds are stationed in this asshole's state. I feel like we should rescue them or something.

    1. flamingpdog

      How about poor Dust and Okie Dokie? Can we raise money to help them self-deport themselves from Oklahoma?

  9. Baconzgood

    FUCK! I didn't need to hear this right now because I'm in the midst of hammering out a deal memo for my new cereal Aborted Baby O's. Well screw you Oklahoma, you're not getting a high fiber breakfast from me!

  10. Joshua Norton

    He admits he has no evidence that this fetus food nightmare is currently happening in Oklahoma or anywhere else,

    I dunno. Those TGIF frozen dinners look awfully iffy.

    1. Baconzgood

      Every time you buy one in New England a guy I go drinkin' with gets $.05. You don't have to EAT them though. Just buy them.

    1. MittBorg

      I managed to get through the first page before I realized I was reading obsessively again, and I *really* don't need to know what happens to my sausages and chops before they turn up that way on my table.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        MB:

        Apparently the folks making that sausage and chops don't want you to know, either. I can't imagine why not.

        Look how well that turned out for Oprah down in Texas a while back.

        1. MittBorg

          I have no TV, and I almost never read anything except political/science/economic/business news, so I have no idea what happened to Oprah in Texas.

          I hope she's OK.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    who may or may not have shot three syringes full of psilocybin into his eyeballs

    Good gawd, man!

    There are some dumb SOBs in the Dust Bowl. (not Blues, of course)

    1. OkieDokieDog

      One of the Okies that I follow on the twitter went off on a rant one day because he was all pissed off about the meat (or lack of real meat) in whatever it was that he got from Taco Bell.

  12. savethispatient

    This law was previously unnecessary, as fetus-based food is outlawed in Sharia law, which was the major legal framework they used in OK until last year.

    1. Biff

      According to Nick Cardy, that was actually a Trail of Tiers, because they had an abiding love of working on tall buildings.

          1. MittBorg

            Ah! Thanks. Ever since I got out of the copywriting business (left it for a younger, healthier, software business), I haven't paid much attention to the ad world. Fluckers. Will go search.

            ETA: ZOMG, peeps, there IS an entry for "fluckers" in the Urban Dictionary. DO NOT WANT!!

    1. dadanarchist

      He only needs the fetal blood. What you do with the husk after he's done draining its life force is really no matter to It… I mean, him.

  13. owhatever

    So much for my secret BBQ recipe. which won best in show at the Oklahoma State Fair. Still, you can get anything that you want at Alice's Restaurant.

  14. CommieLibunatic

    Have we lost our goddamned minds? This fetus stuff is skirting the fetishistic.
    (this post is 150% fetus/snark free)

    1. CapnFatback

      "Fetus fetish."

      Congratulations, you've just invented a new tongue twister. Look for it in Highlights magazine in a dentist's office near you!

    1. Mumbletypeg

      For the nutritional benefits of the placenta! Has no one thought of the placenta?? Well that's all Mr. Shortey is concerned about, really. Anything less than a full-term bubuleh won't *deliver* the same amount of protein.

  15. Goonemeritus

    Why do all Republicans hate recycling so much? I was always taught in church that waste was a sin.

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    Well, in his defense I do sometimes wonder what is in the "Mexican Surprise" they serve at Lubys.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I thought that was just the Hispanic version of the Popcorn Surprise. That's what my buddy Jose used to call it when he'd take the white girls to the movies when we were in high school.

  17. cheaphits

    More big government – a new bureaucracy…who ensures that our food is fetus-free?

    Then a movement by rethugs to deregulate, after a series of payoffs and campaign contributions…ah, yes, it's coming into focus now.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    What a freak. Personally, I'd never use an aborted fetus as a food ingredient. It's just too damn cute hanging on my rearview mirror to eat.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    Rep Shortey is simply suffering residual effects of an early childhood trauma when he misheard the lyrics his nursemaid, one who'd been in the family and nursed his pappy and probably the grandpappy too, sang as she cradled him:

    "Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n, Shortey'n,
    Mammy's little baby's just Shortey'n Bread.
    Two little children / Lyin' in the womb
    One of em's sick / other'n ready for th' tomb;
    Call for the abortionist/ Abortionist said:
    'I reckon the dead one fit for Shortey'n Bread!' " ♫

  20. dadanarchist

    Once again, Peggy Noonan's immortal phrase – "Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to!" – has been demonstrated as one of the core operating principles of modern wingtardism.

    In their mind, there is teh gay, butsexxx, soshulism, strapping young bucks, Black Panther Terrorist Monsters, and abortions literally *everywhere.* In this case, in our food. Or your white, whitey white white daughter's room. Did I say white?

  21. SorosBot

    First Sharia law, now fetus eating – Oklahoma is good at protecting its' citizens from imaginary threats. What's next, a law banning witchcraft Or how about a defense system for giant monster attacks?

    1. Nesnora

      We must protect our fetuses against Tsathoggua. The caverns of N'kai under Oklahoma are his home, after all.

  22. Chichikovovich

    Aw, damn. The beautiful, scenic drive from Stillwater to Topeka will be ruined by all those gaudy "Fetus burger!!!" signs that are going to spring up as you approach the Kansas border.

  23. Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, and I don't want any Santorum in there, either – and no Gingrichery….Some Romney's ok, if under the federal limits (it's just bland and rich), but under no circumstances any wild Bushery….

    1. savethispatient

      What's worse is that Romney actually changed his position on baby-eating between becoming a Governor and running for President.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        He won't admit it, but this is based on the same baby-eating program he instituted as Governor. It just doesn't pay to compromise with Republicans on the issue of baby-eating.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And now what am I going to do with my factory full of aborted fetuses that I have tasting everything to find a great flavor enhancer.

    Why do the Republicans hate job creators like me???

  25. dadanarchist

    I say, shouldn't we do what the Free Market demands? If I want a fetus in my food and someone is willing to produce that for me, shouldn't we let the Invisible Hand (grasping some forceps) decide?

  26. flamingpdog

    I think Ralph Shortey is a perfect example of that partial-abortion birth they're always talking about. They delivered the body, but aborted the brain.

  27. jus_wonderin

    Dog Food? My Doxie is getting a bit heavy. Will there be a weight control version of the, sure to be delicious, Fetus Dog Food?

    It does make one wonder what the names of this food will be. I'd love to be able to spot it immediately in the Pet Care aisle.

  28. dadanarchist

    What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?

    You can't move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

  29. Generation[redacted]

    Talk about unintended consequences! They outlawed Sharia, which opens the door for all kinds of non-halal fetus food.

  30. iburl

    “There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors,” says Shortey.

    I knew this tea was too good to be true: http://twoifbytea.com/

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't know about you, but I'm going to go out to the HEB and stock up on Baby-Os right now, in case this legislation passes! That's good Super Bowl snackin'!!!

  32. Thurman Munster IV

    O-klahoma, where the shitheads cover all the plains
    Where an aborted fetus, they think could feed us
    And their leaders all have shit for brains!

  33. Wonderthing

    I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who maliciously tear the tags off of mattresses and pillows when the tag quite clearly states that no one should except for consumers…oh wait a minute…I have petitioned Congress to set new and deadlier penalties for those who would allow bridge trolls to camp out more than two days under overpasses…or over underpasses…or…wait….

    1. Generation[redacted]

      I won't rest until we have a Constitutional Amendment outlawing all-controlling Matrix computers that use human slaves for batteries, by suspending them in a virtual world based on 1990s NYC.

  34. BaldarTFlagass

    "manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses"

    So, Purina and Old Roy are still good to go, right?

  35. MozakiBlocks

    We know we belong to the land
    And the land we belong to is grand!
    And when we say
    Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
    We're only sayin'
    You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
    Oklahoma O.K.

  36. EatsBabyDingos

    The second part of the bill says that if you keep fetal remains around the house, you must put a notice on the jar that says "Not for human consumption." Barbara Bush was not amused.

  37. coolhandnuke

    This is sad news for Lil Debbie who must scrap their new marketing slogan "life begins at confection."

  38. Eve8Apples

    Note to self – on my next visit to OK, I'm bringing my own snack bars, chips, fresh fruit, etc because the food supply in that state is really suspect.

  39. OneYieldRegular

    First the anti-Sharia-law bill and now this? What's next – an ordinance prohibiting the parking of UFO's in metered zones?

  40. CheeseNPear

    Yay! Lu Xun's Diary of a Madman is once again topical!

    Seriously – the fear that your lunch somehow contains dead people is a real psychosis.

    1. MittBorg

      I guess I'll need to reread that. I don't recall anything about dead people, but then, I read it about thirty years ago.

      Is this what it feels like, knowing that your brain is deteriorating? You can't remember things you read once?

  41. C_R_Eature

    Well, now what's going to happen to Jarbara?

    Those preserves don't have an unlimited shelf life, you know.

  42. real_dc_native

    I always thought I had a sick mind hanging out here at Wonkette and all but I've decided that there are no sickos here after reading about this. State legislatures though? Full of sickos.

    1. Steverino247

      I had a German-Chinese fetus and two hours later I had a hunger for power (with apologies to DIck Cavett, who wrote the non-fetal version of that joke).

  43. Jerri

    Shucks! Now I'll never get my food vendor's permit for Deep Fried Fetus On a Stick at the Oklahoma State Fair!

  44. Eve8Apples

    I'm grateful I'm not an Oklahoma resident. I have a recipe for aborted fetus cupcakes I've been anxious to try. Does anyone know when our entries are due for the next Pilsbury bake-off?

  45. proudgrampa

    Oh, big deal.

    Jonathan Swift had this all figured out years ago in his Modest Proposal:

    "I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout."

  46. WiscDad

    I thought Republicans were all about reducing the size of government. Now we're going to have a new cabinet secretary with thousands of minions to police this huge industry of fetal foodstuffs

  47. lochnessmonster

    He probably collects them and wants some new specimens. (I don't know why this is the first thing that came into my mind…)

  48. DahBoner

    But, how will pet food manufacurers be able to meet Wal-mart's price point for the off-brand dog food???

  49. Troglodeity

    Beware the Law of Unintended Consequences: after this law passes, it'll be legal in Oklahoma to kill and eat anyone already born and living.

    Or maybe that's an intended consequence. I don't know that much about Sen. Shortey.

  50. chascates

    Aborted fetuses would be a much safer ingredient than the legally allowed levels of insects, rat dung, and completely untested chemicals that are permitted under federal law.

    And Jackie and Aristotle Onassis loved eating unborn lamb (true fact) so there. What I mean is the lamb was cut out of its mother and then prepared. Eating it raw would be disgusting!

  51. Naked_Bunny

    I assume this will be one of those massive government programs that costs nothing and reduces regulation.

  52. new_pic_for_NEWTer

    All I can say, as I wipe the tears, tears of laughter, from my streaming eyes, is that y'all are some witty muthafuckas…

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