GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:00 am January 24, 2012

Happy Mitt Romney Tax Return Day!

by Matt Langer

Here is a picture of Mitt Romney getting a shoe shine on an airport tarmac.NEW YORK—Hello! Are you all gathered inside a quiet room? Yes? Good, because now we can all finally discuss the subject of Mitt Romney’s tax returns. Which are amazing!! And sure, yes, we admit we’re only fascinated with them because of our “envy” and “class warfare” and whatever else, but still: this is important to talk about! And no better time than now, because on the one hand we have a very unlikeable man who nobody seems to like very much (because he’s basically a robot) who’s taking up the mantle of “free enterprise” (read: “ruthless greed”)—a man whose tax plan would see his rock-bottom rate go unchanged (or get decreased, depending on who you ask) while actually raising it on incomes under $40k—and he’s offering up a very different vision for the country compared with that of cuddly hipster bespectacled uber-billionaire Warren Buffet—who just wants to ring in Chinese New Years by playing the ukulele and also maybe see rich people pay their fair share in taxes. Unlikeable robot man vs. cuddly hipster bespectacled ukulele-playing uber-billionaire? Yes! Let’s definitely keep talking about this.

So what do we know now that we didn’t know before? Well, not much really. But now we know it know it. It’s a known known, as it were: Mitt pays 13% in taxes on over $20 million in income; Mitt paid a tax rate exactly half as much as the sitting president paid on one-twentieth as much income; Mitt has various holdings in faraway places like Luxembourg and the Cayman Islands. Mitt also had a Swiss bank account! (that he recently closed because it posed something of a political problem) (you don’t say) In short: Mitt is a very, very rich man.

And now we know exactly how much money he makes! Or, for the last two years at least: there are people out there speculating that the reason we haven’t seen more is because (wait for it) Mitt’s got something to hide. Which, considering Brian Williams reminded Mitt at last night’s debate that he handed over twenty-three years of tax returns to the McCain campaign when he was being vetted for vice president—and then they went and chose Sarah Palin instead—is probably a safe assumption! But at least knowing what we do now we can actually have an ever so slightly more informed discussion about What We Talk About When We Talk About Fairness.

In fact, let’s revisit a column from a couple months back that we admire very much, considering it was authored by a very nefarious trickster who somehow managed to slip this socialist screed past his editors at Forbes magazine. It’s worth quoting at length:

Income and wealth disparities become even more absurd if we look at the top 0.1% of the nation’s earners—rather than the more common 1%. The top 0.1%—about 315,000 individuals out of 315 million—are making about half of all capital gains on the sale of shares or property after 1 year; and these capital gains make up 60% of the income made by the Forbes 400.

It’s crystal clear that the Bush tax reduction on capital gains and dividend income in 2003 was the cutting edge policy that has created the immense increase in net worth of corporate executives, Wall St. professionals and other entrepreneurs.

The reduction in the tax from 20% to 15% continued the step-by-step tradition of cutting this tax to create more wealth. It had first been reduced from 35% in 1978 at a time of stock market and economic stagnation to 28%. Again in 1981, at the start of the Reagan era, it was reduced again to 20%—raised back to 28% in 1987, on the eve of the October 19 232% crash in the market. In 1997 Clinton agreed to reduce it back to 20%, which move was an inducement for the explosion of hedge funds and private equity firms—the most “rapidly rising cohort within the top 1 per cent.”

So: thirty-five years ago Mitt Romney would have been paying twice as much in taxes—and he still would have enjoyed a rate far lower than that of the average American. And he would like to see this rate stay exactly the same—if not lower! All of which stands in stark contrast to the competing vision the President will be offering up at tonight’s State of the Union. Which you should be sure to tune into! We’ll be liveblogging it right here. (Don’t forget to drink every time the camera pans to show a Republican and a Democrat sitting next to each other in some meaningless show of bipartisan unity.)

Anyhow, that’s actually more or less all the news that’s fit to gif today? Because what else is there to say?! It’s like we’re actually living the script of “Groundhog Day”: Rick Santorum said something stupid yesterday? Covered. The Republicans debated again? Also covered. Just about the only other thing to happen in the world yesterday was that some angry bearded man who spends his days getting pelted by large rubber objects refused an invite to the White House—and probably established himself as the next front-runner in the Republican nomination. Keep a close eye on his InTrade numbers!

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 
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{ 247 comments }

PsycWench January 24, 2012 at 9:06 am

But all that wealth is trickling down, right? I'm sure that's what I feel trickling on my leg right now.

Ruhe January 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

No, what you're feeling there is plasma from the recent solar flare being re-directed downward by your own negative energy field. The correctly positive frame of mind, the new American piety, if you will, is to firmly hold that the existence of so much excess wealth is a good in and of itself and this good will either trickle down or not as it sees fit and I should feel blessed either way.

DerrickWildcat January 24, 2012 at 9:48 am

It's only been 30 years. We need to wait a little bit longer for it trickle down.

Dashboard_Jesus January 25, 2012 at 3:07 am

WIN! of the fucking day (as far as I'm concerned) *golf clap*

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 10:40 am

It always seemed more like a fine shower of piss to me.

prommie January 24, 2012 at 10:57 am

We're living in a golden shower age.

actor212 January 24, 2012 at 11:02 am

Something trickled down Romney's leg when he signed those retruns, I bet.

I don't think the Magic Underpanties are very absorbent.

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

Romney wants to tell you that it's just raining; really.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:06 am

To be fair, I'm lazy, and I always get my shoes shined at the airport. And I make less than one half of one percent of what Mitt makes.

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

Busy tarmacs are usually the best place for regular people to get their shoes shined. I get my hair cut and dry cleaning taken care of out there just about every week as well.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

Yeah, plenty of bargains on tarmac services, but you have to step lively to avoid getting sucked into the jet intake of a taxiing Southwest 737.

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 9:24 am

That would explain why I never get the same barber twice.

kissawookiee January 24, 2012 at 9:59 am

Where I live they call that the Super Deluxe Flowbee Service.

tcaalaw January 24, 2012 at 9:06 am

[T]here are people out there speculating that the reason we haven’t seen more is because (wait for it) Mitt’s got something to hide. Which, considering Brian Williams reminded Mitt at last night’s debate that he handed over twenty-three years of tax returns to the McCain campaign when he was being vetted for vice president—and then they went and chose Sarah Palin instead—is probably a safe assumption!

This is excellent news . . . for John Mc–, oh wait, no, it was a disaster anyway. Never mind.

Terry January 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

Do you realize how hard the Republicans had to work to paint Warren Buffett as a commie liberal? You have to give them credit for effort, if nothing else.

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2012 at 11:06 am

But now he's been correctly identified by Wonkette as a hipster. There was always something about that guy that annoyed me; now I know what it is.

anniegetyerfun January 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I hear he wears only American Apparel v-neck t-shirts.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

And drinks PBR, ironically of course.

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I hear he shreds some pretty sick shit on his fixie. And rocks knuckle tats that read "BIGG BUXX." I bet the alleycats in Omaha are epic.

memzilla January 24, 2012 at 9:08 am

Well, I hope that someone will point out that Mittens is a Passionate Advocate of reducing the capital gains tax rate to 0% (not that his making all of his Vulture Munnies from this very same category has anything to do with it).

Because he can be passionate about some things, so long as they have Dollar signs or Euro signs or Swiss Franc signs in front of them.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:22 am

But, remember, he's lowering the rate for all of us hobos, because 0% of our income is capital gains.

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 9:09 am

Trouble is, most of the voter lemmings in this country are too interested in guns and fetuses to be outraged about things like this.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

I think that all fetuses should be allowed to own guns, even if they have a felony conviction on their record.

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 9:26 am

Teeny little Glocks.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Awwww. That's so cute.

DaRooster January 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

I thank you.

LiveToServeYa January 24, 2012 at 9:44 am

Well, that would give new meaning to 'infant in arms'.

Nostrildamus January 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

When I hear "guns and fetuses", I think skeet.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Trap. Passing shots on those Lil' Bastards is too hard.

walterhwhite January 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

guns and fetuses — in that order

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Guns 'N Fetuses".

That the one with Axl Rose and Slash?

Isyaignert January 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Sweet Child of Mine.

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Sweet Homunculus O' Mine.

Pragmatist2 January 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

Nothing makes more free market sense than the government providing a 60% discount from ordinary income taxes for capital gains so people are incented to invest in equities – which, by the way, are the most lucrative investment available and therefore need no incentive, especially from the government.

Dashboard_Jesus January 25, 2012 at 3:53 am

why that's so 'pragmatic' of you

AlterNewt January 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

Hey, his money worked hard for that money.

chicken_thief January 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

That he made off the money that other people risked – money of money off money he didn't risk. Kinda like American America in America.

Dashboard_Jesus January 25, 2012 at 3:58 am

RMoney for nothing, chicks for free… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlPjxz4LGak (btw, classic Dire Straights LIVE!)

actor212 January 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

Mitt Romney are people too, my friend!

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

I think the real story here is who the fuck would pay Mittens for a "speech", for fucks sake?

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Heck, it was only around $50,000 a speech. That's hardly worth mentioning.

Isyaignert January 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Who the fuk would pay $arah Palin to speak? Oye 'effin' vay!!

memzilla January 24, 2012 at 9:13 am

Mitt Romney — Because The 1% Need Friends Too!

Guppy January 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

What's the matter, corporations keep sticking you with the tab when you go partying with them on a Friday night?

fuflans January 24, 2012 at 9:13 am

I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.

and where i get my shoes shined on the tarmac.

June_Cleaver2.0 January 24, 2012 at 10:29 am

He needs a teleprompter!

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

Do you guys actually think Mitt said that in a speech? This was some writer's parody of the essence of Mitt's poor speech content, not a transcript. Seems to be getting passed around as an actual quote now.

LesBontemps January 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

Which makes it all the better. Like "I can see Russia from my house." Truth is perception.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:31 am

SNL jokes are one thing, but I don't like that kind of sloppiness in political writing, and we look stupid when we encourage it. Haha, as if anyone in America cares about looking stupid!

BerkeleyBear January 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The National Review piece wrote it up as a quote, not a paraphrase, but I assume you are correct that even Mittens knows better than to say something literally that bad. At the same time, I have no idea what Mittster actually says because that oily, smarmy tone of his fires deep lizard brain loathing centers in me and I have to turn off any source carrying his voice for more than a second.

Chichikovovich January 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Really? Reading Steyn's column he sure seemed to be presenting it as a clip from the stump speech. But if you're right I got completely taken in. I ought to have been more critical.

Ýou're right that it is being passed around as a real quote, and it's infuriating when that happens. I hated it when it was Gore and "alpha male" or that stupid "claimed he invented the internet" zombie that walks among us today. I hated it when it was Kerry's alleged "Who among us doesn't like NASCAR" that Ingraham invented. And I hate it when it's a Republican too.

Sloppy thinking, even if one instance or another gives the appearance of short-term advantage, always eventually confers an advantage to the bad guys.

fuflans January 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm

well to ACTUALLY quote mitt romney:

There was no hidden effort on the part of our campaign. It was instead to point out that what's sauce for the goose is now sauce for the gander," Romney said… "This ad points out, now, guess what, it's your turn. The same lines used on John McCain are now going to be used on you, .is that this economy is going to be your albatross.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

Mitt has various holdings in faraway places like Luxembourg and the Cayman Islands. Mitt also had a Swiss bank account! (that he recently closed because it posed something of a political problem)
He's running for President, for Pete's sake.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 9:22 am

The only reason for having bank accounts in Switzerland, Luxembourg, Bermuda or the Cayman Islands – unless you are a resident of those countries – is to hide wealth and income from the tax authorities. Period.

Native_of_SL_UT January 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

You lie! (that's in honor of tonight's speech, sorry.)
Hiding money from the tax authorities isn't the only reason for these accounts. Sometimes you're hiding money from the FBI and other justice departments too.

BerkeleyBear January 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Well, the Cayman bit is no longer (as of 2009 – a year Mitt won't disclose, shocker!) a tax dodge for US citizens. Of course, it still lets the companies/funds in question dodge corporate taxes at higher rates, and encourages foreign investment by foreign individuals looking to avoid US taxes for what are essentially US investment, so it is still an utterly asshole move.

And the Swiss accounts are notoriously good for sheltering all sorts of evil actions – gotta wonder why anyone in public life would have one of those non-interest bearing accounts that actually costs you money for the privilege of privacy.

chicken_thief January 24, 2012 at 10:16 am

Much like requiring that your lawn service(s) are legal – only important every 4 yrs.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

The reason Forbes and others have misgivings about the current situation is that the rich are afraid it's going to hit them in the face. Huge income disparities are probably not politically sustainable and certainly not economically efficient. The system will change once enough of the rich align themselves with those advocating a system that has a better long-term survival outlook.

memzilla January 24, 2012 at 9:17 am

Barkeep, I'll have two of whatever Mr. Biltong is having.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:39 am

The rich will finish the impenetrable domes over their Private Cities before they have to change the tax code. But don't worry, they'll make sure we all get vouchers for rebreathers.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Barricades only hold up so long.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Blackwater/Xe/Whatever-the-hell-their-name-is-now are providing security for the construction sites.

BerkeleyBear January 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

That will work right up until the paid muscle realizes that they can just overpower the people they are guarding and take it all. That's when the revolution normally succeeded in Russia – when the palace guards started to side against the boss.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 9:19 am

Hockey players should have the same politics as front teeth. None.

montreal_bruin January 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

As a Boston native from a family of Bruins fans, I fully respect Timmy Thomas' inalienable right to be a douchebag. Can't get all "Dixie Chicks" about this one.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:41 am

That's charitable of you. As a Bears fan, I believe Dan Hampton, who recently pulled the same stunt, is a giant asshole whose face and commentary I am no longer interested in seeing or hearing.

montreal_bruin January 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

It's just that I can't help but think I'd be cheering him on if Smirky was still in the whitehouse.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

That's OK, you as an individual don't have to be "fair" about it. I'm not organizing a fucking Dan Hampton boycott or trying to get him fired.

Dashboard_Jesus January 25, 2012 at 4:14 am

srsly? fuck the moron hockey douche…the only sport more idiotic than 'Merkan football is hawkey…really I mean it, fuck that asshole

HarryButtle January 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I'd respect Timmy's choice a bit more if he'd at least have the balls to tell the truth in his statement, rather than hiding behind timid platitudes about big government. Hell, if Dubya invited me to the White House, I'd tell him to blow it out his ass…but I'd tell him why I was declining…unlike brave Timmy Thomas. Oh, and as a Flyers fan, FUCK THE BRUINS.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 24, 2012 at 9:20 am

How about we have Mittens take ukulele lessons from Buffet for a $340,000 an hour and put the money towards our national debt?

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:25 am

Then they'd both want to play at their old dead capitalist friend Warren Hellman's Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival…

Texan_Bulldog January 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

Ha ha…my right-wing FB friends are posting shit about Obama being a 1%-er, which is too complicated to get into with all these yokels. No complaint about Mittens or Newtie's money, though. Apparently, it's okay to be white & rich. If you're black and rich, you're a rapper, a Socialist Mooslim or a drug dealer.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:47 am

You should ask them "How does it feel, being inferior to a black man?"

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

Ooooooh~

memzilla January 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

Such win! May cause TB's FB friends to blow up, though, but I think she can survive the collateral damage…

WunkRocker January 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

All. Of. Them. Katie.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

Clearly.

SayItWithWookies January 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

It's called class betrayal — it's a fine and longstanding tradition among rich people who think they're unfairly advantaged and want to make things a little more just, since in this case it potentially hurts them while improving the economy. It's a bit different from hypocrisy, which is when someone like Newt says that gays aren't fit to marry because they'll somehow ruin the institution.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

To be fair, all the gays want their marriage provision written in such a way that they can have ONLY one spouse. Newt knows this would ruin things for him, fur shure.

walterhwhite January 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I admire your all-inclusiveness. I have zero right-wing friends, FB or otherwise.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"If you're black and rich, you're a rapper, a Socialist Mooslim or a drug dealer."

Of course, if you're black and not rich, it's because you're a lazy welfare-handout-mooching bum, so the blahs just can't win.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 24, 2012 at 9:23 am

I heard that Sarah Palin’s tax return had so many eraser marks that it was essentially unreadable. Mittens should look into this tactic.

Barrelhse January 24, 2012 at 9:49 am

Erasing crayon is hard!

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

Of course, they were also written in crayon.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

That's a lot of erasing for 500 pages worth of taxes.

BZ1 January 24, 2012 at 9:23 am

The absolute hypocrisy of trying to massage his money-grubbing corporate takeovers into job-creation, defies logic, oh wait…

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 9:26 am

Swiss Bank Accounts are people too.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:42 am

My friends.

hollywooddood January 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

Willard is unemployed. So shut up.

Indiepalin January 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

Under Gingrich's tax plan, Romney would pay next to nothing on his capital gains. Imagine how many more jobs he'd get around to creating then…

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 11:15 am

Countless.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Rick Perry could count them.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

Mittbott2000 is going to have a tough time with Florida now, methinks.

I'll just recap my conclusion from last night's sorry affair:

"Could there be three more unlikable liars than Mittens, Frothy, and Pig Newton?"
~

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:43 am

Boner, Cantor and McTurtle?

chicken_thief January 24, 2012 at 10:20 am

Walker, Scott, and Brewer?

Guppy January 24, 2012 at 10:28 am

You're talking about the state that elected Rick Scott.

Gainsbourg69 January 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Don't forget that he won by the thinnest of margins in an election where the Florida demonrats ran the two most awful candidates they could possibly find.

Guppy January 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

"two most awful candidates they could possibly find. "

That was already implied by "Florida Democrats."

Isyaignert January 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Rick Scott – the convicted Medicare felon – that Rick Scott?

Gainsbourg69 January 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Kasich, Christie and Daniels?

walterhwhite January 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Dick Cheney, Dubya, Scooter Libby, Don Rumsfeld. I'm just getting started. How soon we forget….

slithytoves January 24, 2012 at 9:28 am

(Don’t forget to drink every time the camera pans to show a Republican and a Democrat sitting next to each other in some meaningless show of bipartisan unity.)

I would rather drink whenever the camera catches someone looking at porn or picking his nose, but hey, in some ways I never left grade school.

Guppy January 24, 2012 at 10:29 am

That's OK, neither have most of Congress.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"drink every time the camera pans to show a Republican and a Democrat sitting next to each other in some meaningless show of bipartisan unity"

How about every time the camera pans and pans and pans and *finally* shows a blah person in the audience, thereby proving that the R's aren't racist?

Indiepalin January 24, 2012 at 9:28 am

OT: Oscar Snub! "The Undefeated" ignored in Academy Award nominations!

Barb January 24, 2012 at 11:33 am

The sequel will be named "The Unattended."

UW8316154 January 24, 2012 at 9:29 am

This is not going to play well in Real Ahmerka.

mrblifil January 24, 2012 at 10:07 am

Nah Ahmedicans luvs millionairesters. They want to have a beer with them.

GorzoTheMighty January 24, 2012 at 9:29 am

Give him a break. The guy is unemployed for christ sake. I am suprised that he has to pay the 14% on his unemployment checks.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

Has the house selected which hateful teatard will embarrass himself and the country with a hateful outburst at tonight's SOTU?

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:48 am

I've got my money on Congressman Joe Walsh. He's due for a big night.

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

Won't be him. That ridiculous, tiny-dicked coward only blows up at women.

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

It is the gov. of Indiana who was also W's bugdet director and another hated Scott Walker type. There are plans to Occupy the superbowl cuz the unions (incl football players) are so pissed off. Rachael Maddow did an excellent piece on him the other night.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 10:01 am

Talk about piss-poor timing. Yay! I got awarded the Superbowl! Let's bust unions!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I read in the NYT that a small fraction of "lucky" Giants fans, those with season tickets (I mean, "seat licenses"), after winning a lottery, got the rare opportunity to pay $900 per ticket so they can go watch Tom Brady avenge himself upon their team.
That's $900 before the scalpers get the tickets. It's gonna be hard for the 99% to occupy much of anything.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

John Roberts, again?

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I thought it was Alito? But then it is hard to tell them apart. All them white middle-aged male conservatoids in robes look alike.

johnedens January 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

All of them, Katie…

Isyaignert January 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Yup – Mitch Daniels – gov of Indiana and the same fukking moron who was GeeDub's budget director and responsible for the shit stew we're all eating now.

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

Goalies are to hockey as LHP are to baseball as drummers are to rock bands.

No one willingly enjoys taking high velocity rubber to any part of the body. You have to be crazy and not prone to thinking… which almost makes Timmeh the perfect Teabagger except he's not fat and sitting on a Rascal.

Texan_Bulldog January 24, 2012 at 9:42 am

Timmy needs to haul his ass to Canada. In this country, there are probably about 57 people who give two shits about hockey.

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2012 at 9:51 am

Most of the 57 live in Bawstun.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 10:01 am

58 of them are white.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

He also managed the ubiquitous "I blame both parties", which makes him an "independent" or a Paultard, or both.

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2012 at 9:51 am

Sigh.

Texan_Bulldog January 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

Nah, he just didn't want to come off as racist. I guarantee you if Bush was in office, he'd have been there.

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 10:01 am

And Gubb'mint wouldn't be "out of control".

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2012 at 10:04 am

Dissent is unpatriotic during war time.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 10:05 am

Actually, it is plausible that he would blame both parties, as this is a belief commonly held by extremists, i.e. that nothing can be done without a revolution of some kind. Maybe.

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 10:12 am

I keep hearing about this idea that all of our politicians should be swept out of office and replaced with "regular people". No incumbents and no professional politicians. I guess it has some allure but doesn't seem like a very practical or workable solution.

Chichikovovich January 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

I can certainly support that: I was a goalie, and even played goal in university. [Which, in Canadianese, means I wasn't good enough for Junior A or even B.] And you are absolutely 100% right that I and every last one of my fellow goaltenders are crazy and not prone to thinking.

But even by our standards, Thomas is a moron. Fast Eddie Belfour looks at him and thinks "That guy's nuts".

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2012 at 10:24 am

I played goalie too, but only ball hockey when I was a kid. I don't ever want to take that hard rubber orange ball to the nuts ever again which is why I never played goalie again.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 9:35 am

But now we know it know it. It’s a known known

I knew it! Langer *is* Rumsfeld's ghostwriter. Either that or you've been reading too much Ibm Amin Faryumad

What We Talk About When We Talk About Fairness

Or Ray Carver. Eh, you choose your prattles..

we have a very unlikeable man who nobody seems to like very much

I rest my case.

DerrickWildcat January 24, 2012 at 9:39 am

I don't think he's getting his shoes shined. I think that guy is using one of those machines they have at the airport to see if you are hiding money in your shoes.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 9:57 am

"Suspected Shoe Bomber Nabbed About to Board Plane"

DahBoner January 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

You can always tell how rich someone is by how much Mitt leans to one side…

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

Shoes shined on the tarmac? That's nothing. The last time that I was traveling to my private, tropical island I got to the airport and realized that not only had I forgotten to get a mani-pedi but my bikini area needed a little touch-up as well. Lucky for me they had those services available right next to where my Lear jet was parked and I was able to get all of my personal grooming done while the caviar, lobster and champagne were being stocked.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

Livin’ way up now in a penthouse high
Our steaks are rare and our martini’s dry
Folks below they say it ain’t fair
Hell with them, I really don’t care
Joie de vivre, mon amie
Ain’t this the life

Tropical island in the deep blue sea
The natives are friendly and the lobster’s free
Sipping cognac like a french king
Plenty of room, I own the whole thing
Joie de vivre, mon amie
Ain’t this the life

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 10:07 am

Testify, brother! Is this sung to the tune of "Palin Rap" or "On a Boat"?

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLH4-RQReWQ

That's only the partial lyrics, btw.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm

"Shoes shined on the tarmac? That's nothing. The last time that I was traveling to my private, tropical island I got to the airport and realized that not only had I forgotten to get a mani-pedi but my bikini area needed a little touch-up as well."

Next time you go, I'll give you the address of my girl in Barbados. I can't give you her phone number, since she lives in one of those shacks that the poor people live in, and doesn't have a phone; and I can't give you her name — it's one of those foreign names, so I just call her "Sally", because who can pronounce those foreign names, anyway? She's just the *cutest* little native gal — about 50 or so, I guess — always smiling, cheerful little thing. She *loves* it when I give her my old clothes.

Goonemeritus January 24, 2012 at 9:41 am

He advocates an increase in military expenditures yet he seems little confused who pays for those nice shinny toys. Maybe he should send a little more to the Federal government and a little less to the Mormon church or the church should start fielding bomber squadrons.

Texan_Bulldog January 24, 2012 at 9:48 am

Yes, they need to enlist all those hordes of bike riding, white-shirted young men who knock on your door and try to save your soul all the time. Seriously, if they are young and healthy enough to ride bikes all over town to serve God (or whoever the LDS worship–Brigham Young?), they're good enough to serve the country in the military. Amirite?

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 10:01 am

Instead of going on their mission perhaps the young people should do military service such as our friends in Israel? I'm liking this. Maybe help cut down a little on how many more little Mormans are produced.

Baconzgood January 24, 2012 at 9:49 am

Mormon church fielding bomber squads is Glenn Beck's wettest dream.

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 9:55 am

But the navy is too small! Maybe they could float some LSD temples out to see with big guns mounted on the steeples. Our enemies would speed off in terror when the heard the choir singing.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I haven't been to an LSD temple since the 70s. Those were the days.

Ruhe January 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

The LDS does have it's own air force…it's just that they're deployed on other planets, you see.

UW8316154 January 24, 2012 at 9:49 am

Dear God, my worst nightmare is slowly turning into more than a likelihood: Gringrich will be the GOP nominee. This guy is too sleazy and corrupt to be an elementary school principal, yet he is surging on a tide of glittery CUM right onto the white beaches of Florida.

Please tell me this won't happen! Lie to me, if necessary.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 9:59 am

If it's any comfort, most mainline REpugs aren't thrilled with their options including this one. Some of them purportedly launched a last ditch effort to convince Mitch Daniels to enter the race. You can take assurance that a.) the number of GOPtwats pissing themselves over their lack of dignified nonrobotic contenders is still on the grow; and, b.) these same GOPtwats have no one to blame but themselves.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'm pretty sure this is Obama's fault too.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Mitch Danielzzzzzzzzzzzzzz?

ThundercatHo January 24, 2012 at 10:04 am

If Newt beaches himself on the sands of Florida we can always tow him back out to sea, preferably with some large cement blocks chained to his body.

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

It *probably* won't happen, but on the other hand it may be useful to remember that Hitler was democratically elected.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:43 am

That's not helping!

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

OK. The elections weren't totally fair. They burned down the Reichstag first, then arrested members of the opposition, etc. My point is, let's not get overly complacent.

UW8316154 January 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Exactly.

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

Just comfort yourself with the knowledge that a Gingrich nomination means the GOP is gonna be doomed in the general election.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Yeah, that's what I thought about Bush, too.

Millennial Malaise January 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

What are you whining about? This death march to the election is the funniest thing that could happen right before da end times!

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"Dear God, my worst nightmare is slowly turning into more than a likelihood: Gringrich will be the GOP nominee."

No, that would only be Chapter 1 of our collective worst nightmare. The ultimate outcome of our worst nightmare would be…
*hold hand over mouth because it's too horrible to say out loud*
Prmmmsudmmmt Gmmmgrmmmch.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2012 at 9:51 am

The filmmakers of "We're Not Broke" were interviewed on Democracy Now! this morning. And the craven Repubs blather on about being aginst redistribution of wealth. It's being redistributed you hags – - your so-called 'job creators' are distributing it right on overseas to Your Tax Haven Of Choice! Heathens.

Joshua Norton January 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

As Honoré de Balzac once said:

"Behind every great fortune there is a great crime,"

Tee hee. I said Balzac.

mrblifil January 24, 2012 at 10:06 am

Behind every ball sac there's an anus. So by declension, behind every great fortune is an asshole.

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I think every asshole should be declenched.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

'Tain't necessarily so.

carlgt1 January 24, 2012 at 10:06 am

matches "teabaggers"

paris biltong January 24, 2012 at 9:53 am

OT, but only slightly: Meanwhile, in civilized Finland, the presidential election runoff will be between a "conservative" (read "socialist") and the green party candidate, who is openly gay has an Ecuadorian boyfriend.

Chichikovovich January 24, 2012 at 10:24 am

Is that in Africa somewhere?

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

This would make a great sitcom on IFC or Sundance.

walterhwhite January 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

That's it. I'm moving to Finland.

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2012 at 9:59 am

Who the hell is Tim Thomas? And for that matter, what the hell is hockey?

People whack a piece of plastic around a skating rink with a stick. People play this thing? And other people watch it? Jeez, and I thought that football game that involves your hands was dumb.

prommie January 24, 2012 at 10:03 am

Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand, lord don't they help themselves, but when the taxman comes to the door, lord, the house looks like a rummage sale,

weej_bain January 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

♪♫ It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no millionaire's son, no
It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate one, no ♫♪

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Among all the other reasons Dumbya is going to burn in Hell is that he completely ruined that song for me, which used to be a fairly kickass song, but now I can't hear it without thinking of his stupid puss, grinning like a donkey.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Console yourself. See paragraph five.
http://classicrock.about.com/od/artistsgm/fr/foge

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

My house pretty much looks like a rummage sale all the time anyway, but I usually cope with that by buying more books.

mrblifil January 24, 2012 at 10:05 am

Maybe he might want to consider bringing on some of that job creationism.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2012 at 10:22 am

According to the picture, he created one job right there.

"Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox."

mrblifil January 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"Used to make 'em shine like fucking mirrors."

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

You're funny!

Polythene_Pam January 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

Would be a great political strategy for Mitt right now. Today. Buy up as many shut-down American factories as last year's income can pay for & start them back up making whatever it is that they used to make.

I'd vote for him if he did that.

Well, probably not.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Fortunately for all of us, he's too selfish, too unwilling to part with a nickel, and too out of touch with reality ("Mumsie, why don't the filthy peasants seem to like me?") to do anything so practical.

carlgt1 January 24, 2012 at 10:06 am

bbbbbut George Soros, Warren Buffett, limousine liberals, Hollywood!!!!!!

DahBoner January 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hollywood is the only place where you can still get a head…

JustPixelz January 24, 2012 at 10:07 am

From the looks of his financial statements, there's a lot of envy to go around.

Someone is winning the class warfare.

And if (when?) Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan is enacted, Mitt will only pay tax on what he spends. And then, only if he buys new yachts and presidential campaigns.

cheaphits January 24, 2012 at 10:17 am

A bit O.T., but if corporations are people –

Why not tax them at the individual rate?

freakishlywrong January 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

Then we wouldn't be awash in all these great paying jawbs, with generous benefits…oh..wait.

EloquentScience January 24, 2012 at 10:53 am

Stop making sense!

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

. . . who took the money?
who took the money away?

weej_bain January 24, 2012 at 10:23 am

Easy fix:
1. Return the holding time on long term capital gains to 2 years.
2. Return the long-term capital gains rate to 35%.
3. Tax short term capital gains at the same rate as earned income.
4. When the filthy rich move to the Cayman Islands, then invade, we're well trained at that.
5. Send the filthy rich to Gitmo and use their monies to repair the crumbing infrastructure.

This is soooo easy, so easy to provide a first CLASS solution.

smoothmineral January 24, 2012 at 10:30 am

13.9 percent is probably one of his higher tax returns. After all, he's running for office for Pete's sake.

DaRooster January 24, 2012 at 10:41 am

So Romney is an arrogant, rich, white guy that has destroyed companies and lives while he and his cronies kick back upon millions in slightly taxed income?
What a Job Creator… he should be President.

Allmighty_Manos January 24, 2012 at 10:47 am

Obama, in the spirit of post-post partisanship should have invited Vancouver Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo in Thomas' place and named him goalie of the decade.

VinnyThePooh January 24, 2012 at 10:59 am

And Poppin' Fresh Gingrinch attacks Romney for being too capitalist. Wait…what?

102415 January 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

So when Mittbott said " 15% I think" he was wrong? I'm surprised. He seemed to be so smart. I do love the Caymans though. Do they have credit unions there? I promised to move my money.

prommie January 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

Now we see why $340,000 in speaking income is actually, really, literally, insignificant to him. Now imagine you are lucky enough to be right at the US average household income level, around $50,000. Imagine how insignificant that is, to Mittens. Imagine how insignificant you are, to Mittens. Imagine how insignificant we all are, how insignificant 99.9% of all Americans are, in this fuck's eyes. I'm getting that fucking rage again, where I start looking for nooses and stout tree limbs. Tumbrils, there must be tumbrils, to do it right.

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 11:30 am
prommie January 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

Love Johnny's ascot, or scarf, what was this, 1968?

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Reminded me of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8m5QVxREXY

. and Campbell *sniff* Brown.

larryfinexx January 24, 2012 at 11:10 am

Yeah Okay, but Obama's wife has a big caboose.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

Fitzgerald: "Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft, where we are hard, cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand."

Hemingway: Yes, they have more money.

notreelyhelping January 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

Gatsby vs. Pantagruel…who will face off with Professor Smooth Jazz? How did we get to this particular ptichfork in the road?

SorosBot January 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

What else is infuriating is that Mittens keeps insisting that he earned all that money himself. Um, his father was a CEO and Governor who came fairly close to being the Republican nominee for President twice; and yet he somehow thinks we'll buy that he got his big-money jobs through merit and not his family connections.

Gainsbourg69 January 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Mitt does extremely well with republicans making $200k and above while the poor, white trash wing of the party hates him. His fake "I am unemployed" and "I lived in the streets" bullshit is just not sticking because even those idiots know he's a smarmy, rich prick.

Blueb4sunrise January 24, 2012 at 11:17 am

Everyone is naked at the Wisconsin Recall Review Site.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

These are not the frumps I always imagine when I think of Wisconsin.

Negligently_Joe January 24, 2012 at 11:17 am

This is What Aristocracy Looks Like!

Geminisunmars January 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Occupy Tarmac!

natoslug January 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

Hockey? Sounds furrin. Why are we letting them damn whitebacks into US America? Build the motherfuckin' snow fence already!

prommie January 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

And about last night, I cannot find Fakakta's comment on Sarah Palin among the googleplex of comments, but I just want to applaud the term "Frumpcunt." Sarah appears to have reached that time when a rapid decline occurs, often called 'hitting the wall," and I am going to enjoy her uglification very much. She seems to be approaching the "Harridan" classification, and I expect to see Crone before long.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I'd hit that. With a baseball bat. Or a hockey stick.

sarah_connor January 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

harpy works for me

cheetojeebus January 24, 2012 at 11:31 am

Remember tales of those days when wall street robber barons leapt from ledges in lower manhattan? That seems so far away now.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Well, we keep putting up signs, but they never Go For It.

DemonicRage January 24, 2012 at 11:35 am

Job creator? He took over companies, sold off the assets and fired legions of people. How can this not be crystal clear to people?

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Romney/Gekko 2012!

What's not clear about that?

An_Outhouse January 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

So where do the illegals sign up for canon fodder in our war against Iran?

DahBoner January 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

Shorter Romney 1040: Feed the Rich, Starve the Poor!

orygoon January 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Greed, envy, sloth, lust–what are the others? The seven deadlies seem to be alive and well here in Orygun–at least, most of them.

proudgrampa January 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

wrath, pride, and gluttony

They're all alive everywhere.

Sin is people, my friend.

BarackMyWorld January 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Has anyone pointed out that pic of Mitt is not a shoeshine but a security check? That thing in the guy's hand is a metal detecting wand.

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

and here I thought he was just asking Isaac to mix him up a virgin marry.

widestanceshakedown January 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I thought it was a magic wand, for recharging his underwear.

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Sure it's not a Vibrator?

Ooops, sorry "Deep Tissue Muscle Massager"

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Zounds, what a photo. That's right up there with Dukakis wearing that "Dark Helmet" tank commanders hat way back when. Lee Atwater would have a field day.

You know, we should all stop bitching. We're just jealous. Mitt obviously deserves a 13% (thirteen percent holy shit yes I know go on..) tax rate. He's white, male, clever enough to have been born into wealth and strong enough not to be bothered by all those livelihoods slagged in Bain's career of "Creative Destruction".

That Shoeshine Boy (Yes I know magnetometer don't blow it for me) should just relax, suck it up and Get Rhythm!

LiveToServeYa January 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"A certain kind of rich man afflicted with the symptoms of moral dandyism sooner or later comes to the conclusion that it isn't enough merely to make money. He feels obliged to hold views, to espouse causes and elect Presidents, to explain to a trembling world how and why the world went wrong. The spectacle is nearly always comic."
- Lewis H. Lapham

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

*golf clap*

Sharkey January 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Also drink every time Dick Cheney's heart does not beat.

Nostrildamus January 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Caption: "That'll be all for the shoes, Franklin. Now quick vac in the crack, and I'll be off."

Slim_Pickins January 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Those old tax returns are ancient history and not worth commenting on, just like the Newtwit's serial adulteries.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Or, you know, like the time Clinton got a bl–
Oh, I guess not.

Puffperney January 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

You know as nasty as the political climate is, it hasn't really hit rock bottom until some low life like me traces Mitt's ancestry back to participants in the mountain meadow massacre. …then, shares all the horrific details. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ7YSwRCueY

C_R_Eature January 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

That's just what my Creationist Globe says!

It's flat. Sits on elephants, standing on a tortoise…

ttommyunger January 24, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I'm turning full circle: first, I was neutral about Mitt. As I got to know more about him, I began to resent him for being an elitist snob with a political tin ear. Now, as it seems likely that Barry will actually have to run against this vapid pussyfart in November, I am liking him more and more. Goes double for the West Georgia Horndog we all know and love.

EBGrey January 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

See, I told you he had a shine boy. Just out of the frame is his manservant, designated umbrella holder, and "baggage lifter."

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Do his majordomo and factotum have the day off?

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

In the photo, Lord Mittens is actually being attended to by his Groom Of The Stool in the open air, to foster a climate of transparency.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_stool

owhatever January 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

There is no way that the Mittbot can afford to pay another dime in taxes. He are a man of the pipples.

tessiee January 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I first read that as "man of the puppies", which is wrong on so many levels.

Bonghits4Jesus January 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Why do morons think that donations to the Mormons (or any other religion) count as charity? They are not. They are donations to proselytize the gullible by the delusional. What are Mitt Bots non-Moron-I "charitable" donations? Probably just LDS-front organizations since we haven't been informed.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Newt's unemployed, but he's making about $70,000 per day? Which state is he getting his unemployment from? I need to move there.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 25, 2012 at 8:30 am

I found an old Mitt Romney baby video

Biff January 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

I worked for a governmental agency that went through a similar purge. Somehow I survived, much to my surprise. The loss of institutional memory was profound, it was like a bunch of kids running around in circles, getting dizzy and falling down, laughing hysterically, then doing it again and again, until break time.

WunkRocker January 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

This. As a Wonkocopter m'self part of my value is telling people where not to dig lest they find the victims of the last pogrom/re-org.

Biff January 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

I took it upon myself to rather loudly point out mistakes/burial sites, and upper management decided it was time for me to go, too. It was fun while it lasted, though.

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