The Longest Apocalypse: Liveblogging Yet Another GOP Debate

Hello from your Wonkette liveblogging team, taking part once again in America’s “national pastime,” which is trying to get web video streams to function for long enough to hear whatever racist crazy talk the GOP candidates offer tonight. Are you ready? Does a recently converted-to-Catholicism serial adulterer/divorcer shit in the woods? No, because the Newt needs two bathrooms, which is one less than the number of wives he has needed, so far.

8:59 PM — Tonight’s debate is on the “NBC Politics” station, with Gawker commenter Brian Williams as the moderator. Will he ask Mitt a rude personal question the way liberals always do?
9:02 PM — Mitt has noted that the Newt is “erratic” and “creepy” and “has an ugly head.”
9:03 PM — Gingrich mumbles something about Herbert Hoover, meaning: “Ronald Reagan.”
9:05 PM — Was Romney truly “dancing on eggs” during this campaign? Is that a known phrase, in Republican executive compensation packages?
9:06 PM — “He had to resign in disgrace.” — Mittens on Newt.
9:06 PM — Newt doesn’t want to “waste time” answering Mitt’s actual facts about Newt Gingrich.
9:07 PM — In other words, NEWT.ORG. Will it have Tiffany jewelry whore diamond popups?
9:10 PM — Gingrich asked the Republicans to punish him. He wanted it, because he was a bad, fat little adulterer and hypocrite and crook. He ASKED FOR IT.
9:15 PM — Newt Gingrich is such an asshole that he won’t even graciously accept Ron Paul’s preemptive endorsement.
9:18 PM — Tomorrow is a very exciting day, because Romney is going to release a year’s worth of tax returns, covering last year. What will “get people talking,” Brian Williams asks. Maybe the Gazillions of Dollars of Income and Assets, along with the itty-bitty tax bill?
9:19 PM — Thank the Angel Moroni that Mitt Romney will FINALLY get corporate taxes down! The tax code is “far too intrusive” for the nation’s very richest men!
9:22 PM — We blinked (ran to the fridge for a refreshed beverage) and missed Santorum’s one question, which was apparently about his inability to win his own Senate races. Has the spooge-mentum finally dried up?
9:23 PM — Mitt is surprised to see the Republicans “pick up the weapons of the left.” Hahahahah. “I did not inherit what my wife and I have.” Really now.
9:23 PM — MITT WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR SUCCESS. It is too bad you LIBERAL LOSERS were born poor or black or poor/black/female, etc. You just hate America.
9:24 PM — Santorum just wants to know why Romney and Gingrich are saving Failed Capitalism. Because of WALL STREET, c’mon Santorum. You are such a minor league crook compared to these guys.
9:25 PM — What about Gingrich’s dirty Freddie Mac contract? $25,000 is good money for sitting on your fat ass hunting for new wives on the Internet or whatever, right?
9:26 PM — Oh, it’s not lobbying, it’s consulting. Totally worth $25,000 a month.
9:28 PM — Mitt notes that it’s $1.6 million, for six years of Newt’s contract, and that it sure as shit wasn’t for being a “historian,” it was as a lobbyist.
9:29 PM — Gingrich comes out strong IN FAVOR of federal welfare socialism housing financing.
9:30 PM — Oh this is wonderful, Gingrich and Romney are now in a bitch-chicken slap fight over how many millions they made, and how much came from sweetheart government deals, and now Gingrich is going to explain how the American People will “see through” this tactic! Insulin! Lipitor!
9:32 PM — It is time to pass the relay dildo to our next contestant, Liz Colville!
9:34 PM — It seemed as if Brian Williams there was informing Mitt that he couldn’t actually talk about Fannie and Freddie anymore because he’d just taken TOO LONG harping about those matters already. Oh, but really it is just a commercial, which in live feed world is utter silence, which is wonderful, really. Thank you, Brian/Internet.
9:44 PM — “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” indeed.
9:49 PM — The shrinkage of the Navy. And now we have two men talking about things they know nothing about. Romney is the guy who would take an online poll before deciding what to do with the military. Gingrich would just write a book about it and tell the whole military to read it.
9:52 PM — Honestly unaware there were four people on the stage until just now. Very rude. Hello Ron.
9:54 PM — BREAKAGE. POLITE APPLAUSE. SEAFARING-LIKE MUSIC.
9:58 PM — We are joined now by Adam Smith of the Tampa Bay Times and Beth Reinhard of the National Journal. And yet Brian keeps badgering these poor men with riddles.
10:00PM — Santorum’s picked up where Rick Perry left off. He said today that he basically would declare war with Iran, i.e. dismantle its nuclear weapons for it if the country didn’t do it itself, if he became president.
10:02PM — “OIOIOIOIOIIIIILLLLLL” (“Oil”) — Rick.
10:03PM — Gingrich advocates ballots in English only. Romney agrees. Romney’s discussing Massachusetts education and how it was screwed up that foreign students would learn in their native languages because everyone realized eventually that they “Could no speak English well” — direct quote.
10:06PM — Romney is basically doing what Obama did in the early debates with Clinton — “What she said.” He agrees with Gingrich that he would not support the Dream Act as it currently stands. Romney, we know what you think about immigration. But do you? He pauses so many times in his immigration argument that it becomes clear that he is not, well, fluent in his own machinations. “Self-deportation.” TO A ROBOT SUCH A STATEMENT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 0101000000000101101111111110000000000000000000000000001.
10:08PM — “America was worth it to do it the right way.” Santorum is discussing his forebears to explain How You Properly Emigrate to the U.S.A. and Dig Freedom Therein.
10:10PM — “CANE SUGAR HIDES BEHIND BEET SUGAR.” — Newt. Whatttttt is happening.
10:12PM — “He plays 90 rounds of golf when you have 20 million people out of work.” Romney is dissing Obama. Fine and good but the President H8S golf, yes? He just plays it because artificially-grown, pesticide-ridden grass is the only surface upon which John Boehner will speak to him.
10:16PM — {{{{{{crickets}}}}}}} Romney is getting quick SMIZE TIPS from Tyra Banks during the break while Santorum’s daughter touches up her father’s face with mineral powder.
10:19PM — One hand is clapping for Santorum’s explanation of his stance on do-not-resuscitate.
10:20PM — This is what we call a Thorny Issue, America. “It should teach us all a lesson to have good living wills,” DOCTOR Ron Paul says. “I would have preferred to see the decision made at the state level.”
10:22PM — Romney is talking about the space program and reminds us again that he is really all about collaboration, which is an easy way of saying that he doesn’t really trust any one entity to do anything, and doesn’t know enough about any one thing to trust himself to make executive decisions on said things. Not surprisingly, he wants NASA to work in conjunction with private, future-bankrupt companies.
10:24PM — Gingrich questions Romney’s stance, and digs in at the collaboration thing, saying a bunch of people “sitting around in a room” is not how you revive a broken program. Hey look, he’s right: meetings make you dumb[ER].
10:27PM — Going to liveblog someone else’s live blog for a second: The Caucus reports from Florida that some of the undecided voters watching the debate with Susan Saulny are pining for someone who isn’t there, namely JON HUNTSMAN. You guys. That is over now. It’s over. You fools. Why didn’t you TELL HIM how you felt with the WADS O’ ONES that you don’t have?!?!?
10:30PM — We’re wrapping up with “Why … are you doing this again?!”-type questions. Romney says he’s the best man for the job because he made babies and made money. Bye.
10:31PM — Gingrich was asked to comment on Romney’s response. Gingrich obvs declined this offer, because, boring. He’s telling us about his life, and how he’s spent his life “trying to develop a conservative movement across this country.” But those movements exist, man, and any time they see you they seem to move away from you.
10:34PM — Santorum is descending into a pit of deadly venomous Palinisms. Dude, this is your closing argument.
10:36PM — Wise Older Gentleman reminds us that there are many ways of being conservative, which is really just a cynical way of saying that these guys are flip-flopping panderers. And with that, the gentleman receives some of the only applause we’ve heard all night from these Tampaers (sic).
10:38PM — Everybody loves the Constitution because Ron Paul made it cool again. Romney name-drops the Constitution and reminds people in so many words that his pioneering health care plan is shite.
10:39PM — “I don’t ask people to be for me…I ask people to be with me.” Gingrich, man. He is kind of the Obama of the only guys we’ve got, which is four out of approx. 151,400,000 options, which is how many men we have in this country. (Oh, women? What? They’re busy. They’ve got kids.)
10:40PM — Romney wants to “crack down on cheaters.” This is a true Mittism: you know he went home crying to mommy about cheaters in grade school.
10:42PM — For some reason Romney has gotten the last word and that is THE END, everybody. And there is another one on Thursday, so see you then and also in 10 hours!
10:52PM — P.S.!!!!! “The room has cleared remarkably quickly.” — Brian Williams. WORD!