FLOTUS FILES  3:00 pm January 23, 2012

Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of pulling up one’s pants, as a dance move. Back in those days, Fat Joe was practically a professional obese person, weighing in at over 450 pounds. But today, he is the image of a Let’s Move! victory, having lost over 100 pounds and even curing his own diabetes! We can imagine why someone decided to tap into his street cred and miraculous weight loss story to bring health to the children of Newark, New Jersey.

Fat Joe, who is CEO of “Terror Squad Entertainment,” has been arrested for assault more than once and witnessed many a murder, which makes him a unique choice for the Motivator-of-Schoolchildren position. But deep down, he has always been just a fat kid with a dream.

“I was just a kid myself, dealing with childhood obesity,” says Joseph (Fat Joe) Cartagena, who realized his oversized persona was killing him after six friends died prematurely from obesity-related illnesses since 2000. They included fellow NYC artist Big Pun, who had a fatal heart attack at 28.

Now Cartagena is turning the tables on the obesity epidemic with First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! Campaign, which launched a creative competition in Newark last fall to get more teens off their rears.

“When I go to schools, the kids always say, ‘Why don’t you rap for us?’ I tell them: Listen when you get older you’ll understand that this is the realest rap I ever gave to you.”

There is nothing on the Let’s Move! web site about Fat Joe becoming an official spokesperson for the campaign, so he is most likely doing this out of the goodness of his big, fat heart. Still, we can only imagine how much protest-eating the Crazies will do once they get word that some sort of black Mexican terrorist rapper is on the side of our FLOTUS. [NY Daily News]

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bumfug January 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Wait til they find out his entire diet consisted of ACORNs.

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"Fat Joe" has been replaced by "Fat Newt".

iburl January 23, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Fat Newt, a.k.a. Big Joke, a.k.a. M.C. History Pimp, a.k.a. D.J. Icy Bling, a.k.a. Polygamystical G.

SexySmurf January 23, 2012 at 4:26 pm

a.k.a. The Notorious P.I.G.

teatarded2012 January 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm

polygamystical G might actually be the best name for a fat, cat political hack ever! Bet that gets Willard Mittens all up in his grill!

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Speaker of the Hizzouse.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Nothing like a mobster telling you to get off your fat ass to motivate you. Of course mobsters and bad guys never existed in Tennessee.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Or the plights of Blah people.

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 3:06 pm

But how does this effect "Crisco Christie"?

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:17 pm

New Jersey's own Planetoid is white, and therefore, no problem. Its the nears that we fears.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I so want to show up at a Christie rally with a sign "The Crisco Kid"

littlebigdaddy January 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Cartagena don't sound Murican.

gurukalehuru January 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Lady, you are clear to hell and gone from Cartagena…

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Joe the professional obese person is now Joe the CEO? Only in America could his story …….

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Well, since he obviously got fat on food stamps, you can understand the wingnutz hysteria.

Joshua Norton January 23, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Still, we can only imagine how much protest-eating the Crazies will do once they get word that some sort of black Mexican terrorist rapper is on the side of our FLOTUS

I'd recommend a big basket of Paula Dean's Type 2 deluxe frosted, deep fried butter sticks to start.

slowhansolo January 23, 2012 at 3:10 pm

As a former fattie, I'm here to tell you that losing 100 pounds, as a man, when you start at 450, ain't no great shakes. Eschewing the tubs of corn syrup soda will do that all by itself.

Let me know when he gets from 350 to 200.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Do you mean to say there is a downside to drinking Super Big Gulps of soda! And just when the car companies have finally super-sized the cupholders!

jus_wonderin January 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I think, the way it is going, soon the interiors of our cars will be soda-tight and all we will need to do is bring a straw.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Your move, Guy From Boston.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I'm sure Rushbo and Glenn Beck will welcome this news with the same classy, above-board equanimity for which they are famous.

ManchuCandidate January 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

See this is why the Contarded don't get it.

"They" say that to understand a person you have to walk a mile in his/her shoes. It's darn near impossible when a contard passes out after walking 50 steps in someone else's shoes.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I knew this would happen if we let a Near in the White House, they'd invite all their freinds, take over the place, and next thing you know, there goes the neighborhood.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:16 pm

DC being so lily-white and all…

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 3:14 pm

In a related story Chris Christie just endorsed Lasagna.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Wingers won't believe Obama is a good President until they hear Kanye say "Barack Obama hates black people" on national television

Fred_Wertham_Jr January 23, 2012 at 3:16 pm

First, Fat Joe ruled that gay people are cool. Now he's eliminating diabetes. I'm glad he's running shit.

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 3:17 pm

There's another new weight loss initiative underway, the "Let's Take a Giant Dump" campaign. I'm starting now.

Nostrildamus January 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Sorry, I'm not watching any more of those damn debates.

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Sarah Palin will now be sending America's children free Hostess products in order to get them to blow up like balloons to protest this reckless abuse of Federal power.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Twinkies are people too, youbetcha!

102415 January 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Hostess just went bankrupt, no one told you? No wonderbread ding dongs or twinkies.ever again. Ever again.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

From what I've heard, obesity is the least of the problems for kids growing up in Newark.

Negropolis January 24, 2012 at 2:04 am

You lie!

The skinnier you are, the quicker you can run from a bullet. All of these things are related. Do you not realize how much the murder rate would go down per pound, alone?

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Fat Joe"? Besser?

Funny, he doesn't look like the Fifth Stooge…

edgydrifter January 23, 2012 at 3:40 pm

It's true–popping a cap in diabetes' ass does not make a very good rap.

LabRodent January 23, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Fat Joe didn't want to end up like Big Pun, Heavy D and 2 of the fat boys see where im going with this,

SenileAgitation January 23, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Fat Joe, who used to always be on the radio screaming "Ya heard?!" about some upcoming appearance? Star and Buckwild, we hardly knew yez. Well, good for you fatso. We can all learn something from your example!

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Don't know about "fat", but I'm certainly chubbing up looking at that pix of my FLOTUS. Excuse me while I whip this thing out…

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