begun these clone wars have

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

EXTERMINATE!Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants.

The simulacra of the Kentucky senator was detained (asked to take a seat in a cubicle) while the managers of the United States reviewed the incident from their palace bunker in Brussels. USA Today reports on the “official version” of events:

GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul is criticizing what he calls the “police state” in America after his son, Rand, was stopped at the Nashville airport.

“The police state in this country is growing out of control,” Paul said in a statement posted on his campaign website. “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

Rand Paul was stopped this morning after passing through a full-body scanning machine that had set off an alarm. The scanner showed something unusual around his knee. He frequently travels through the Nashville airport from his home in Bowling Green, Ky.

The borg unit’s father borg unit, Congressman Ron Paul, quickly output a Twitter regarding the capture:

'I am not a Dalek.'

Human-cyborg relations experts say the Rand Paul robot likely evidenced a programming error by volunteering for the Body Scanner, which sprays humans with deadly radiation every time they attempt to take a commercial air flight in this country. Libertarian humans are steadfastly against both the dangerous cancer machines and the “hands on” searches performed by TSA human personnel, but the Dalek should have chosen the human “pat down” because TSA airport security employees barely know their own names, let alone how to identify a brilliantly constructed artificial human on its way to Washington to announce the takeover of Earth by the amoral, sentient super-intelligence of Alpha Centauri that early civilizations mistook for a loving god.

The Rand Paul droid was ironically trying to get to Washington to speak at a “Right to Life” rally. Perhaps that was one robotic inside joke too many. Today, the people of Earth stand strong, sort of, and the complete takeover by the alien hive mind metallic insect drones will wait for another day, later this year. [USA Today/Twitter]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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100 comments

    1. idrobny

      paul is the ultimate PUTZ! if kentucky wants him they can have him. too many cousins getting married to each other in that state. the brain damage is permanent!

  1. Mumbletypeg

    TAGGED: "Begun These Clone Wars Have"

    Thank you Ken. This is more worthy of the wizened old muppet-sage's parlance than the Tennesee yokel thread. Not much more, but somewhat.

    Paul said in a statement…: “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that grope…"

    Next tag: "Ultimate Embodiments." Pertinent and esp. appropriate for this tale of right-to-life robots.

  2. kissawookiee

    The fact that he was sporting a knew where his knee was supposed to be should have been a clue.

  3. nounverb911

    "Keep your government hands off my junk, while I send my government hands up your uterus".
    –Rand Paul

  4. Slim_Pickins

    What! No special treatment for a US Senator? What's the point in getting elected if not to receive special treatment. That and getting rich.

  5. Ducksworthy

    Given the Randy also opposes the existence of the FAA and the whole socialist notion of "air traffic control" maybe he should walk from now on.

    1. idrobny

      no, he travels by horse. he works for the pony express where his ideas come from. (the 19th century)

  6. savethispatient

    Presumably he used a Sonic Screwdriver to fix the machine so he could get through the second time.

  7. bumfug

    You just know he damn near came in his pants thinking of the publicity when the TSA told him he had to go through a patdown.

  8. memzilla

    Rand Paul is one of several Teatards I would like to see flying on planes where no one has been searched before boarding.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

    Unfortunately, in this he's more correct than we'd like.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Come to think of it, that synthesized looking "hair" atop his pate would be more realistic on a robot.

  10. edgydrifter

    If it diminishes the likelihood of my super high-risk potential terrorist seven-year-old daughter getting her batch fondled because she wants to visit Grandma (ha–exactly what a wild-eyed jihadi would say) or blasted by Lord Chertoff's perv rays, I encourage Rand Paul to whip himself into an old-fashioned rabid tornado of privacy-rights outrage.
    TO THE BARRICADES, CITIZENS! THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOMS!!!

  11. Goonemeritus

    When will these darn police get back to clubbing hippies and brown folk and just leave the rest of us alone.

  12. OKthennext

    Guvnuh Perry: And the third agency I'm a gunna dismantle…er…Department of Homeland Security. What? They have major contracts in the state of Texas? Oh,… er…nope. I'm a gunna keep that one.

  13. ttommyunger

    To add insult to injury, when he got to his Traveling Eye-Doktor Van, one of its head-lamps was broken and his buggy whip had been stolen.

  14. paris biltong

    "His knew" sound extremely ominous. Do they mean "something he knew" that was unusual. Something around what he knew? Meaning vaguely related or incidental? I think it plainly justifies a pat down, although perhaps not an invasive exploration. A warning to those intending to board planes with useless and pointless knowledge.

  15. OneDollarJuana

    “The police state in this country is growing out of control". Oh, you mean the police state that lets you start your own sanctioning board so you can board certify yourself to cut open people's eyeballs?

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Senator Paul was allowed to board after it was established that the anomaly on his knee was in fact a banjo.

  17. KeepFnThatChicken

    My facebook feed has been filled with Paultards (where the fuck did I get these people?!) keeping vigil. Like he's Jesus with a perm.

  18. elviouslyqueer

    “The police state in this country is growing out of control,” Paul said in a statement posted on his campaign website. “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

    Oh, take another Sominex and go back to sleep, Grandpa Crankypants.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Like Ol' Ron gives a shit about "neighbors with disabilities". This is a man who thinks that businesses & public places shouldn't be required, by law, to provide equal access.

  19. owhatever

    Also blocked from appearing at the Right to Life Rally were all of the death row inmates in Texas. Police state, indeed!

      1. chicken_thief

        But those people aren't the real American Americans in America – thems geyh or blah or whatev.

  20. imissopus

    I'm torn. On the one hand, I agree that the TSA is ridiculous. On the other hand, I'm a big fan of anything that chafes both Rand and Ron's nads (literally and emotionally.) Plus all the Paultards will now freak right the fuck out. Oh schaudenfreude, you've won another round.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      A loaded 9-mm Beretta in a leg holster.
      (They're keeping the details under wraps, because Congress.)

    2. doloras

      True facts: I downloaded PDFs of the complete works of L. Ron Hubbard, not because I'm at all interested, but just to fuck with $cientology's copyrights.

  21. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Ha ha. Rand Paul is a robot. You leftist are so funny. And yet clearly what set off the scanner with the gerbil shoved up Sen. Paul's ass.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Rand Paul should just name himself chairman of the TSA Scanners for Freedom Association. Then he could just flash his credentials and not worry about problems like this.

  23. SaintRond

    When is Rand Paul going to release the details of what he's got stuck up his ass?

    This is a mystery that could be easily put to rest, with nothing more than surgical clamps, forceps and pliers.

    What are you trying to hide, sir? What are you trying to hide?

  24. outragedcitizen

    Apparently it is ok for the TSA to grope ordinary citizen but it is a fascist invasion of our precious freedumbs when it is done to congress critters.

    Hey, asshole, remember you voted FOR this, so suck it!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If the president says he's a terrist, yes they can.
      (I hear Northern Undisclosedastan is nice this time of year. Or not.)

  25. cheaphits

    Rand should realize that Obamania, a society ruled by the oligarchical dictatorship of the Party. Life in the Obamaian province of Airstrip One at Bowling Green is a world of perpetual war, pervasive government surveillance, and incessant public mind control, accomplished with a political system euphemistically named English Socialism (Ingsoc), which is administrated by a privileged Inner Party elite

  26. Preacher_Griz

    If Dr Sen Rand Paul is one day discovered as a Betrayer of The Cause, I am certain responsibility will be pinpointed to the time he spent in a Govt Probe Machine during this incident. Wake up again people!!!

  27. chascates

    One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities.

    So most people skate free then?

  28. sezme

    The Rand Paul droid was ironically trying to get to Washington to speak at a “Right to Life” rally

    Wait, Libertarians don't support a woman's right to choose? Oh right, infringing on other people's liberty is perfectly fine.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The farce is strong with this one. Hypocrisy is such a way of life with these double-thinking wingnuts that they don't even feel the dissonance.

  29. Antispandex

    "…because TSA airport security employees barely know their own names…"

    But, according to Huff Po, the dweebs DO know how to steal your shit. I haven't trusted these freeks since they wanted to "re-screen" my 14 year old granddaughter. The middle aged softball player told her it would be necessary to "pat her down", to which my baby said, 'Ewww, WHY"! My feelings exactly, but when you are two thousand miles from home, what choices are there? I'm with the conservatards on this one.

  30. Nostrildamus

    Maybe we can make a deal. The TSA can keep Rand Paul if they go away and leave everyone else alone.

  31. Loaded_Pants

    What I love about this is Ron didn't have the balls to do this publicity stunt himself. He had to put his son up to do it. Wonderful.

  32. C_R_Eature

    Twiki! I think that 's an oddly appropriate costume for that Little Dick. I mean Rand. No, I mean Little Dick.

  33. fuflans

    the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities…

    rand paul is none of these.

    I'M guessing he's a wholly organic species of humanoids originating on Earth's twin planet Mondas that began to implant more and more artificial parts into their bodies which led to the race becoming coldly logical and calculating, with emotions usually only shown when naked aggression was called for. this sometimes referred to as a 'monster' on the popular Dr. Who franchise.

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