BEGUN THESE CLONE WARS HAVE  2:35 pm January 23, 2012

Rand Paul Robot Caught By Brave TSA Body Scanner

by Ken Layne

EXTERMINATE!Top honors will be given to a brave TSA Body Scanner machine at the Nashville airport for apprehending a sinister Dalek robot-monster that was impersonating Senator Rand Paul. The cylon version of Rand Paul triggered the radioactive Body Scanner because of some miniscule fabrication error in the android’s knee joints — the scanner apparently had not been programmed to recognize extraterrestrial polymers, which very well may have saved human civilization today. The otherwise uncannily disheveled replicant of Rand Paul began a commotion using several prerecorded Rand Paul soundbites about “liberty” and “fascism” and “health care,” but the Body Scanner identified the ruse because it has access to the Trilateral Commission’s complete Earth information database — including all of Rand Paul’s numbskull speeches and C-SPAN rants.

The simulacra of the Kentucky senator was detained (asked to take a seat in a cubicle) while the managers of the United States reviewed the incident from their palace bunker in Brussels. USA Today reports on the “official version” of events:

GOP presidential hopeful Ron Paul is criticizing what he calls the “police state” in America after his son, Rand, was stopped at the Nashville airport.

“The police state in this country is growing out of control,” Paul said in a statement posted on his campaign website. “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

Rand Paul was stopped this morning after passing through a full-body scanning machine that had set off an alarm. The scanner showed something unusual around his knee. He frequently travels through the Nashville airport from his home in Bowling Green, Ky.

The borg unit’s father borg unit, Congressman Ron Paul, quickly output a Twitter regarding the capture:

'I am not a Dalek.'

Human-cyborg relations experts say the Rand Paul robot likely evidenced a programming error by volunteering for the Body Scanner, which sprays humans with deadly radiation every time they attempt to take a commercial air flight in this country. Libertarian humans are steadfastly against both the dangerous cancer machines and the “hands on” searches performed by TSA human personnel, but the Dalek should have chosen the human “pat down” because TSA airport security employees barely know their own names, let alone how to identify a brilliantly constructed artificial human on its way to Washington to announce the takeover of Earth by the amoral, sentient super-intelligence of Alpha Centauri that early civilizations mistook for a loving god.

The Rand Paul droid was ironically trying to get to Washington to speak at a “Right to Life” rally. Perhaps that was one robotic inside joke too many. Today, the people of Earth stand strong, sort of, and the complete takeover by the alien hive mind metallic insect drones will wait for another day, later this year. [USA Today/Twitter]

 

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{ 100 comments }

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Paul was afraid that the TSA would find that he was actually a six year old girl.

idrobny January 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

paul is the ultimate PUTZ! if kentucky wants him they can have him. too many cousins getting married to each other in that state. the brain damage is permanent!

Mumbletypeg January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

TAGGED: "Begun These Clone Wars Have"

Thank you Ken. This is more worthy of the wizened old muppet-sage's parlance than the Tennesee yokel thread. Not much more, but somewhat.

Paul said in a statement…: “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that grope…"

Next tag: "Ultimate Embodiments." Pertinent and esp. appropriate for this tale of right-to-life robots.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I still prefer Hand-Up-His-Ass Yoda.

kissawookiee January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

The fact that he was sporting a knew where his knee was supposed to be should have been a clue.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Rand was just peacefully cruising along the Gulf of Tonkin when he was attacked!

Gratuitous World January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Siri says Rand Paul supporter will stomp of TSA Agent's head. for freedom.

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"Keep your government hands off my junk, while I send my government hands up your uterus".
–Rand Paul

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I thought he was an ophthalmologists, not an ob gyn.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 3:42 pm

A quick trip to Kinko's and he can be certified in any field of medicine you can name!

Negropolis January 24, 2012 at 2:14 am

He's pro-life. That was the joke.

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Jeebus wept, because he found someone who has suffered more than him.

Slim_Pickins January 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

What! No special treatment for a US Senator? What's the point in getting elected if not to receive special treatment. That and getting rich.

Ducksworthy January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Given the Randy also opposes the existence of the FAA and the whole socialist notion of "air traffic control" maybe he should walk from now on.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

"Air traffic control" is mounting an autocannon.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I just assumed the Pauls traveled by dirigible.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm

What is it with Paultards and transportation methods that are no longer commercially viable?

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

It challenges the status quo!

idrobny January 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm

no, he travels by horse. he works for the pony express where his ideas come from. (the 19th century)

savethispatient January 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Presumably he used a Sonic Screwdriver to fix the machine so he could get through the second time.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Perhaps he had a sack of Ameros strapped to his leg and the metal set off the detector.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 2:54 pm

See, that wouldn't be a problem if we used sweet sweet non-ferrous gold for money.

bumfug January 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

You just know he damn near came in his pants thinking of the publicity when the TSA told him he had to go through a patdown.

memzilla January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Rand Paul is one of several Teatards I would like to see flying on planes where no one has been searched before boarding.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

“One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

Unfortunately, in this he's more correct than we'd like.

Nostrildamus January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Robots are smart. Therefore, Rand Paul is not a robot. Q. E. D.

NorthStarSpanx January 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Come to think of it, that synthesized looking "hair" atop his pate would be more realistic on a robot.

AlterNewt January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Rand Paul. Another unhung scoundrel.

edgydrifter January 23, 2012 at 2:47 pm

If it diminishes the likelihood of my super high-risk potential terrorist seven-year-old daughter getting her batch fondled because she wants to visit Grandma (ha–exactly what a wild-eyed jihadi would say) or blasted by Lord Chertoff's perv rays, I encourage Rand Paul to whip himself into an old-fashioned rabid tornado of privacy-rights outrage.
TO THE BARRICADES, CITIZENS! THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOMS!!!

orygoon January 23, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Tennessee, Kentucky–these things ARE alike.

Goonemeritus January 23, 2012 at 2:47 pm

When will these darn police get back to clubbing hippies and brown folk and just leave the rest of us alone.

OKthennext January 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Guvnuh Perry: And the third agency I'm a gunna dismantle…er…Department of Homeland Security. What? They have major contracts in the state of Texas? Oh,… er…nope. I'm a gunna keep that one.

widestanceshakedown January 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Did his doctor not give him a permission slip for that plate in his head?

GeorgiaBurning January 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

It wasn't the plate, it was the USB connector on his forehead.

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm

To add insult to injury, when he got to his Traveling Eye-Doktor Van, one of its head-lamps was broken and his buggy whip had been stolen.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Maybe Ron Paul ought to take this TSA thing up with W.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Glen A. Larson cordially invites you all to kiss his Mormon ass.

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"His knew" sound extremely ominous. Do they mean "something he knew" that was unusual. Something around what he knew? Meaning vaguely related or incidental? I think it plainly justifies a pat down, although perhaps not an invasive exploration. A warning to those intending to board planes with useless and pointless knowledge.

OneDollarJuana January 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

“The police state in this country is growing out of control". Oh, you mean the police state that lets you start your own sanctioning board so you can board certify yourself to cut open people's eyeballs?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Was it an aluminum foil covered zucchini that set off the alarm?

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm

No, But Rand and Doctor Ron's dudgeon meters are pegged at 11.

MosesInvests January 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

It's a fine line between clever and stupid.

Gratuitous World January 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

The guy was actually trying to give RAnd an eye exam, as he is also certified by the National Board of Ophthalmology.

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Senator Paul was allowed to board after it was established that the anomaly on his knee was in fact a banjo.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I originally read that as "bajingo" and began to nod.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:52 pm

So, he was flying to Alabama?

Dashboard Buddha January 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Oh Susanna…how you do go on!

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

So…Rand Paul was voiced by Mel Blanc?

HarryButtle January 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm

bidda bidda bidda

Alt answer: Well, Paul IS a cartoon character….

YouBetcha January 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

He's not going to recognize the irony, is he?

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

My facebook feed has been filled with Paultards (where the fuck did I get these people?!) keeping vigil. Like he's Jesus with a perm.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

“The police state in this country is growing out of control,” Paul said in a statement posted on his campaign website. “One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities. The TSA does all of this while doing nothing to keep us safe,” the Texas congressman said.

Oh, take another Sominex and go back to sleep, Grandpa Crankypants.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard January 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

The Police State was so much better with Paul having a hand in controlling it. Who does he have to lynch to get a little respect around here?

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Like Ol' Ron gives a shit about "neighbors with disabilities". This is a man who thinks that businesses & public places shouldn't be required, by law, to provide equal access.

NorbertsRevenge January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

If Rand Paul is Twiki, I guess that makes McConnell Hawk? Turkey Vulture maaaaybe.

HistoriCat January 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Still trying to figure who's Wilma.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

The enemy of my enemy is my friend! Today, I embrace the TSA.

owhatever January 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Also blocked from appearing at the Right to Life Rally were all of the death row inmates in Texas. Police state, indeed!

yrbmegr January 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

And presumably all of the millions of Americans who believe in choice.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm

But those people aren't the real American Americans in America – thems geyh or blah or whatev.

Indiepalin January 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Resistance is futile.

slowhansolo January 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Rand Paul has seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

edgydrifter January 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

WIN

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm

The whining of libertardians: tears in the rain.

doloras January 23, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Dr Senator Rand's next tweet to Dr Congressman Ron: "I WANT MORE LIFE, FATHER"

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Don't you cry for me, Argentina.

littlebigdaddy January 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Where's your Aqua Buddha now, Paul?

imissopus January 23, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I'm torn. On the one hand, I agree that the TSA is ridiculous. On the other hand, I'm a big fan of anything that chafes both Rand and Ron's nads (literally and emotionally.) Plus all the Paultards will now freak right the fuck out. Oh schaudenfreude, you've won another round.

OneYieldRegular January 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So what did he have in his knee? Dianetics?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

A loaded 9-mm Beretta in a leg holster.
(They're keeping the details under wraps, because Congress.)

doloras January 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

True facts: I downloaded PDFs of the complete works of L. Ron Hubbard, not because I'm at all interested, but just to fuck with $cientology's copyrights.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Today, we are all Twiki, my friends.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm

You don't have to deal with these issues when you travel by blimp.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Ha ha. Rand Paul is a robot. You leftist are so funny. And yet clearly what set off the scanner with the gerbil shoved up Sen. Paul's ass.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Rand Paul should just name himself chairman of the TSA Scanners for Freedom Association. Then he could just flash his credentials and not worry about problems like this.

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Get your slimeless hands off of me!

Ayn Rand Paul Tard January 23, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I always thought the Rand robot was operated by one of those surviving Mason jar fetuses. The vacuum sealed lid not going off in the head unit really squelches that theory.

SaintRond January 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

When is Rand Paul going to release the details of what he's got stuck up his ass?

This is a mystery that could be easily put to rest, with nothing more than surgical clamps, forceps and pliers.

What are you trying to hide, sir? What are you trying to hide?

outragedcitizen January 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Apparently it is ok for the TSA to grope ordinary citizen but it is a fascist invasion of our precious freedumbs when it is done to congress critters.

Hey, asshole, remember you voted FOR this, so suck it!

valgal2342 January 23, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Can't the TSA just keep him until his term is over?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

If the president says he's a terrist, yes they can.
(I hear Northern Undisclosedastan is nice this time of year. Or not.)

cheaphits January 23, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Rand should realize that Obamania, a society ruled by the oligarchical dictatorship of the Party. Life in the Obamaian province of Airstrip One at Bowling Green is a world of perpetual war, pervasive government surveillance, and incessant public mind control, accomplished with a political system euphemistically named English Socialism (Ingsoc), which is administrated by a privileged Inner Party elite

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm

remember when Al Gore………………………
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/715479/p

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 3:49 pm

What was our Randian Robot doing partaking in government-subsidized air travel to begin with?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm

What – the airport wasn't built by private enterprise? I'm shocked, shocked.

Preacher_Griz January 23, 2012 at 3:55 pm

If Dr Sen Rand Paul is one day discovered as a Betrayer of The Cause, I am certain responsibility will be pinpointed to the time he spent in a Govt Probe Machine during this incident. Wake up again people!!!

chascates January 23, 2012 at 4:21 pm

One of the ultimate embodiments of this is the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities.

So most people skate free then?

sezme January 23, 2012 at 4:34 pm

The Rand Paul droid was ironically trying to get to Washington to speak at a “Right to Life” rally

Wait, Libertarians don't support a woman's right to choose? Oh right, infringing on other people's liberty is perfectly fine.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

The farce is strong with this one. Hypocrisy is such a way of life with these double-thinking wingnuts that they don't even feel the dissonance.

Antispandex January 23, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"…because TSA airport security employees barely know their own names…"

But, according to Huff Po, the dweebs DO know how to steal your shit. I haven't trusted these freeks since they wanted to "re-screen" my 14 year old granddaughter. The middle aged softball player told her it would be necessary to "pat her down", to which my baby said, 'Ewww, WHY"! My feelings exactly, but when you are two thousand miles from home, what choices are there? I'm with the conservatards on this one.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

They let him go?! That proves that the whole TSA system is broken!

Nostrildamus January 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Maybe we can make a deal. The TSA can keep Rand Paul if they go away and leave everyone else alone.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm

What I love about this is Ron didn't have the balls to do this publicity stunt himself. He had to put his son up to do it. Wonderful.

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I am familiar with the term "Artificial Intelligence", but what is this? Artificial Idiocy?

C_R_Eature January 23, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Twiki! I think that 's an oddly appropriate costume for that Little Dick. I mean Rand. No, I mean Little Dick.

DahBoner January 23, 2012 at 9:54 pm

It's just that the TSA workers had never seen a hairy snatch on top of someone's head before…

rocktonsam January 23, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Hey Randy, teh crazy sets off the alarms also.

fuflans January 24, 2012 at 12:55 am

the TSA that gropes and grabs our children, our seniors, and our loved ones and neighbors with disabilities…

rand paul is none of these.

I'M guessing he's a wholly organic species of humanoids originating on Earth's twin planet Mondas that began to implant more and more artificial parts into their bodies which led to the race becoming coldly logical and calculating, with emotions usually only shown when naked aggression was called for. this sometimes referred to as a 'monster' on the popular Dr. Who franchise.

Negropolis January 24, 2012 at 2:18 am

When scanners are outlawed, only outlaws will have scanners!

Wait, what?

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