Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER.
As Santorum’s bodyguard bravely tried to block the hail of glitter with his bare hands, the glitter-bombs screamed, “Occupy! Occupy!,” “Gay rights!” “You’re a bigot,” “You hate gays!” and other well-deserved declarative statements, long after they were rather gently ushered out of the room Santorum was in, and descended the stairs out of the building crying, “You’re not welcome in South Carolina.” Some old pro-Santorum geezer swore at them from the top of the staircase, which interestingly was the only bleeped-out moment of the whole exchange. The old fart may be convinced that glitter, like LGBT equality license plates, carries a highly contagious virus called Gay.
Santorum apparently used the money earned in the C.U.M.-bomb, which tragically exceeded the goal of $1 million, to hire a speechwriter ballsy enough to put a September 11th tie-in in the candidate’s You Are Nothing Without Me third-place “victory” speech. Santorum explained in that speech that he went to a town near the site where Flight 93 crashed in Shanksville, PA, and near where his grandfather DUG FREEDOM to figure out wherefore he was running for president. His supporters then assented with chants of, not sure really, it sounded like “Keep It Fit” or maybe “Cheating Git” (?)
Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because “there’s something out of whack” in this country. Rick, it was just Daylight Savings Time, and it’s over now, so bye. [Jezebel/Scott Wooledge]
{ 157 comments }
The glitter bomb was sent anonymously by Marcus B.
I am imagining the sweaty guys huddled in a room drawing straws to see which one has to inform Ricky why this is not the best name to use. They obviously learned nothing from the Langston Hughes debacle.
The dead give away though, was the receipt from a pet shop in Iowa for dog clothes that was mixed in with the glitter.
Well, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been called Americans Standing Side by Side To American Ideals and Nuturing. Or something like that.
Americans Standing Side-by-side
To
Make Our Unpopular Theories Hurtful
(really had to reach for the last H there)
Bold Undertaking To Tame Socialist, Elitist, Chicago Hooligans: Santorum!
You know who else was a part of CUM?
Newt's 3rd wife?
Hugh Hefner?
Barbie Benton?
Peter North?
Lindsey Graham?
Monica Lewinsky?
Bristol Palin?
Oh, what am I saying. All the female Palins and a sizeable portion of the male Palins as well, also too, Katie?
Seamen?
Otis Spunkmeyer?
Anita Dickens
The Little Mermaid?
Mary Kay Letourneau?
Every single one of us?
Well really just half of us.
My dad would disagree with you.
Maxwell Smart & 99.
Octomom? Osama Bin Shot in the Head?
Every one of us, whether we choose to believe it or not, is the result of an ejaculating penis. (Your mileage may vary. Offer not good in Nebraska. Penis in mirror may be smaller than you'd like to admit.)
Speak for yourself! I sprung fully formed out of my dad's head!
Wait….
Now that you put it that way, I feel so dirty. And I wanna do it again.
Johnny Wad?
Larry Flynt?
Dan Savage is pinching himself. Can't BELIEVE the ironincal-ness!
Or maybe he's just pleased that Rick is finally getting into the spirit of the thing.
I would imagine that it's hard to get glitter out of cum. Say, maybe Mittens will help Frothy do his laundry. They could talk about aborted fetuses and other girly talk (as in be MEAN to girls cause they're dumb).
For someone who sucks so much, he's absolutely clueless.
#hesucksalot
Who the hell was stupid, gullible or borderline coma-induced enough to send any quantity of $$ to this conservadrone, who can't even place 2nd in S.C. despite a throng of "family-faction" endorsements, such that adds up to 1-plus million dollars??
Corporations are people too.
Prolly Mittens just to carve up the conservative vote and fuck with Newt.
The same people who believe that Adam and Eve rode their dinosaurs to church on Sunday.
C.U.M. … ? Really? They seriously did that?
These clowns either get a massive FAIL at Google, or an epic WIN of (intentional) comedy.
Sadly, I have no idea which …
I have a pretty good idea….
Oh, so do I.
I just … I mean … they really did that. They truly, honestly, really did do that.
**blink**
**blink blink**
Lack of self awareness: They're doin' it quite well.
It has to be some undercover person- this couldn't just be a coincidence!!
Probably suggested by Romney, who knows the difference between ex dividend (Newt) and cum dividend (Santorum).
It's like there's a Colbert ringer in there. Jon Stewart has an embarrassment of riches for tonight.
Personally I think Steven Colbert got himself a ringer into the campaign. Jon Stewart is going to have an embarrassment of riches tonight.
Conservative xtians wouldn't know what CUM was if it hit them in the face.
There's a joke about Catholic priests in there somewhere …
Later when he undressed for the evening, he found glitter in his underwear and smiled wistfully.
"Reminds me of my college days…"
Not on the sweater-vest, Not on the sweater-vest.
"We Love Mitt", "Tighter Fit", "Show Your Tit(s)", "Banana Split", "Holy Shit"?
Filthy Shit?
Frothy shit!
Santorum spread his CUM all over South Carolina?
“there’s something out of whack” in this country.
…which your continued presence on the national scene illustrates perfectly, Rick.
Hehe whack; he makes it too easy.
"In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress"
That's what happens when it's all glitter and no substance.
Being the repressed self-loathing closet case that he is, and with his obsession over other people's sex lives indicating he's probably got a tiny flaccid little pencil dick, I wouldn't expect Santorum's CUM to ever have much of an impact.
I'm sure the Ken dolls I had growing up were more hung than Santorum.
The Ken dolls were probably better conversationalists too, and care more about a woman's feelings.
My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll used to get all the plastic tail in the '60s. Ken didn't know what hit him.
My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll got my sister's Ken doll's tail (boy, was she upset about my corrective surgery on Ken).
It peaked too soon.
Could he have misunderstood the steaks-and-blow-job initiative?
Probably not and I bet he wouldn't understand reciprocity either.
I prefer chicken-and-blow-jobs myself, so it's possible.
I vacillate about which of these guys is the worst person in the world, and currently, Rick is down a few places on the list. Hey now, he said "something is out of whack in this country"? See! He's even right a little bit of the time.
But vice president? Not on his best day, and our worst.
OT – but Rand Paul's junk is in the news.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/senator-rand-p…
Amusingly enough, he refused the patdown because he thought it was "too invasive".
He was on his way to a right to life rally.
Shorter Rand Paul: "Help, help, I'm being oppressed. Come see the violence inherent in the system. This is what I have been going on about. I'm being oppressed." Paultards all over the nation are climbing up on their highest horses, all named "Indignation" and deploring the tyranny.
Run away!!!
I thought we were an autonomous collective!
Because Rand is White, the presumption is that the equipment is failing.
TSA slavery will not stand!
How did those TSA agents not know how much more important he is than them?
I am sure Santorum will swallow the evidence of his homesexual activity.
That "something out of whack" that Ricky is referring to is the fact that some in this country think it's perfectly ok for Jesus to peek in peoples bedroom windows and cluck disapprovingly at anything that conservatives don't find acceptable.
CANNOT be true. I don't care how many links, tweets, screencaps………NOBODY is that fucking stupid.
Sure, I can just see one of his staff members (heh) in the Men's Room laughing his ass off right now.
Yes. Yes they are. And when someone points out to him what the acronym is, he will use it to claim that he is a victim of liberals assault on American morals.
The Santorum campaign is threatening to become the single biggest Performance Art piece in History.
Santorum formed CUM. Isn't it normally the other way around?
There's a fetish for everything.
Citizens United for Newt Time has tried time and time again to partner with Conservative Unite Moneybomb, but at the end of the day, everyone gives up in frustration (just ask Lady Santorum).
They get frustrated because they don't have enough impact to penetrate the Santorum inner circle.
"Lady" Santorum? Get that British shit outta here!
Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because…
Because Man-on-Dog-on-Roof, that's why.
CUM on and spread the Santorum!
~
zing!
Eventually some anti-abortion activist will try to shower Obama with aborted fetuses.
Not another "Santorum "C.U.M.-from-behind" story. Ewwwwwwww.
Babe with small ponytail at Wisconsin Recall
"Side Burns" looks like he's dieing to tell people about his weekend.
Yep…was looking at everyone hoping they would open a conversation.
finally drugged out slackers showing up at the computer terminals.
Checkered sweater small pony tail girl reminds me of when they bring in Heather Locklear to spice up an episode.
Chick next to Hoodie on extreme right completely stopped doing any work.
"Side Burns" trying to rock a scarf, who do you think you are Mark McKinnon?
♪ Oh CUM all ye faithful ♪
CUM-Bomb? Uh, no.
CUM? Really? Oh well, judging by the grin on Santwhorum's puss, he likes taking it the face. The bodyguard? Notsomuch, prolly a pitcher.
pitcher of CUM?….
Eggzakly!
Also wanted to thank everyone that participated last night. I'm still sore.
Chet RULEZ!!!!!!!!!
I dunno about him but I'm seldom out of whack, or at least the inclination.
Some of the other fundraisers/groups supporting Santorum:
Fundamentalist Republican Oligarchs Taking Handouts Yearly
Southern Plutocratic Oligarchs Overthrowing Grassroots Economics
Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. Big mistake!
Santorum’s subluminal sexytime messages would make for an interesting presidency.
I still do not want.
This is probably the appropriate time to give my epic link fail from an earlier thread another shot. Heh heh, shot.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/natural-har…
Can a link win Comment Of The Day? That is unspeakably awesome and I can't wait until my bf, who collects cookbooks, to get back to me.
Anyone who intends to make the recipes in this book will need copious amounts of man-goo. Better have good "milking" skills.
Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. That does it – no more Wonkette stories about Frothy the Santorum whilst dining.
You know who else liked CUM on their Facebook?
RICKY SAY RELAX
♫…when you wanna… C.U.M!♫
Also, WTF is a "moneybomb"? A Wall Street IED? A condom filled with coins and dropped from a high floor?
Glitter-bombing is a bad idea. What are we going to say when assholes start throwing food stamps at Democratic candidates?
Why, that they're perpetuating a culture of dependency, that's what.
Ummm, thanks?…
Depends if we can use them or not.
And he thought he had a Google problem before….
Did the glitter stick to the Santorum creating a C.U.M.my mess?
Americans Standing Strong For Uniting Citizens Knowledge In Neverending God.
I am glad to see the traditions of Wonkette being upheld in this fashion.
I'm not a mental health professional, but if this isn't a call for help, I don't know what is…
…then again, Ricky might be asking for help from another kind of professional…
*watches concession speech video*
Um, Rick? The young guy behind you in the sweater vest? Yea, the one who kept "bumping in to you" excitedly as you swayed before the podium. GAY.
You're welcome.
EQ
totally. and it's going to be a sad sad for that boy's family when reality hits.
Realizing their mistake, the group immediately reorganized under the name "America Needs U Santorum".
Obviously, they're the group that splintered off from Americans Supporting Santorum Helps Our Leadership Explode.
They can't produce the T-shirts fast enough to keep up.
Spits or Swallows? Inquiring minds want to know.
Gov Haley was quoted as saying "it is a great day to be in South Carolina" as she licked her lips.
Oh, but look at him in his "victory" speech. He looks sooo happy even with 90+% youtube dislikes.
Santorum always just wanted to be Prom Queen!
"Cheating Git" / "Keep it Fit" I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick", but unfortunately Santorum supporters only apparently start chants when they have their mouths full. How can you expect to become President if your supporters can't annunciate properly?!
I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick"
"We Lick Prick," more likely.
Is a cum bomb like bukkake?! I am so out of the loop….
At last, Wolfgang Puck has finally perfected a new sauce to serve on that Republican Fundraiser Rubber chicken…
After the problems with vote counting in Iowa, Santorum has put together an organization to make sure each vote is counted properly, Fighting Election Linked Corruption Headquarters.
Is felching real, or was it a made-up thing, like a rusty trombone or a donkey punch?
Wait, donkey punching isn't real? I beg to differ. I still have headaches, and it has been at least a year.
Liz Colville, I think you're officially getting the hang of this Wonkette Thing. LOL-ing, thank you!
Ooohh, "Horizontal" (Heather Locklear) FTW.
… not that theres anything wrong with "Vertical"
Their calling her "the girl with the dragon tattoo" now, I want to put a baby in her!
Santorum-launched CUM fails to excite.
I think whoever wrote that campaign slogan is on the take from headline writers across the country – one mass media conspiracy theory I would actually believe.
I imagine when a C.U.M-bomb meets a glitter-bomb, and dries? It's permanent.
Skeet skeet skeet, motherfuckers.
At the end of the moneybomb, Rick immediately rolled over and fell asleep.
Hey, Weigel finally wrote something interesting!
Santorum just WAITING for that big ol' CUMshot of funds.
If there's going to be cum, we need to see Rick's "fuck face."
I bet we could sell him Sacrilegious Liberals Undermine Theology, Honoring Our Righteous Newborn Youths and Teabaggers Will Always Trust Santorum. He's my new fave forever.
Man, that Santorum really got himself in a sticky, messy situation didn't he?
O/T: But NPR is reported that someone has hacked Chuck Grassley's Twitter account and has been using it to send messages out.
They could tell because they made sense?
I contributed.
Yeah, I think she talks a good game when she is putting on the spikes in the locker room, but folds when she hits "the field".
Runny nose. Waiting for the candyman to show up.
Special Ops?
"The boy ain't right."
Comments on this entry are closed.