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Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER.

As Santorum’s bodyguard bravely tried to block the hail of glitter with his bare hands, the glitter-bombs screamed, “Occupy! Occupy!,” “Gay rights!” “You’re a bigot,” “You hate gays!” and other well-deserved declarative statements, long after they were rather gently ushered out of the room Santorum was in, and descended the stairs out of the building crying, “You’re not welcome in South Carolina.” Some old pro-Santorum geezer swore at them from the top of the staircase, which interestingly was the only bleeped-out moment of the whole exchange. The old fart may be convinced that glitter, like LGBT equality license plates, carries a highly contagious virus called Gay.

NOT A JOKE AND YET VERY FUNNY

Santorum apparently used the money earned in the C.U.M.-bomb, which tragically exceeded the goal of $1 million, to hire a speechwriter ballsy enough to put a September 11th tie-in in the candidate’s You Are Nothing Without Me third-place “victory” speech. Santorum explained in that speech that he went to a town near the site where Flight 93 crashed in Shanksville, PA, and near where his grandfather DUG FREEDOM to figure out wherefore he was running for president. His supporters then assented with chants of, not sure really, it sounded like “Keep It Fit” or maybe “Cheating Git” (?)

Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because “there’s something out of whack” in this country. Rick, it was just Daylight Savings Time, and it’s over now, so bye. [Jezebel/Scott Wooledge]

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