rickity split

Santorum’s C.U.M. Party Crashed By Glitter-Bombers

GlitterPhoto

Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER.

As Santorum’s bodyguard bravely tried to block the hail of glitter with his bare hands, the glitter-bombs screamed, “Occupy! Occupy!,” “Gay rights!” “You’re a bigot,” “You hate gays!” and other well-deserved declarative statements, long after they were rather gently ushered out of the room Santorum was in, and descended the stairs out of the building crying, “You’re not welcome in South Carolina.” Some old pro-Santorum geezer swore at them from the top of the staircase, which interestingly was the only bleeped-out moment of the whole exchange. The old fart may be convinced that glitter, like LGBT equality license plates, carries a highly contagious virus called Gay.

NOT A JOKE AND YET VERY FUNNY

Santorum apparently used the money earned in the C.U.M.-bomb, which tragically exceeded the goal of $1 million, to hire a speechwriter ballsy enough to put a September 11th tie-in in the candidate’s You Are Nothing Without Me third-place “victory” speech. Santorum explained in that speech that he went to a town near the site where Flight 93 crashed in Shanksville, PA, and near where his grandfather DUG FREEDOM to figure out wherefore he was running for president. His supporters then assented with chants of, not sure really, it sounded like “Keep It Fit” or maybe “Cheating Git” (?)

Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because “there’s something out of whack” in this country. Rick, it was just Daylight Savings Time, and it’s over now, so bye. [Jezebel/Scott Wooledge]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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  • nounverb911

    The glitter bomb was sent anonymously by Marcus B.

    • SherrieGG

      I am imagining the sweaty guys huddled in a room drawing straws to see which one has to inform Ricky why this is not the best name to use. They obviously learned nothing from the Langston Hughes debacle.

    • chicken_thief

      The dead give away though, was the receipt from a pet shop in Iowa for dog clothes that was mixed in with the glitter.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Well, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been called Americans Standing Side by Side To American Ideals and Nuturing. Or something like that.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Americans Standing Side-by-side
      To
      Make Our Unpopular Theories Hurtful

      (really had to reach for the last H there)

    • Chichikovovich

      Bold Undertaking To Tame Socialist, Elitist, Chicago Hooligans: Santorum!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    You know who else was a part of CUM?

    • OkieDokieDog

      Newt's 3rd wife?

    • nounverb911

      Hugh Hefner?

    • nounverb911

      Barbie Benton?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Peter North?

    • chascates

      Lindsey Graham?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      Monica Lewinsky?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Bristol Palin?

      Oh, what am I saying. All the female Palins and a sizeable portion of the male Palins as well, also too, Katie?

      • paris biltong

        Seamen?

    • widestanceshakedown

      Otis Spunkmeyer?

    • MildMidwesterner

      Anita Dickens

    • jus_wonderin

      The Little Mermaid?

    • Callyson

      Mary Kay Letourneau?

    • MissTaken

      Every single one of us?

      • SorosBot

        Well really just half of us.

        • MissTaken

          My dad would disagree with you.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Maxwell Smart & 99.

    • chicken_thief

      Octomom? Osama Bin Shot in the Head?

    • Steverino247

      Every one of us, whether we choose to believe it or not, is the result of an ejaculating penis. (Your mileage may vary. Offer not good in Nebraska. Penis in mirror may be smaller than you'd like to admit.)

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Speak for yourself! I sprung fully formed out of my dad's head!

        Wait….

      • Veritas78

        Now that you put it that way, I feel so dirty. And I wanna do it again.

    • proudgrampa

      Johnny Wad?

    • Isyaignert

      Larry Flynt?

  • freakishlywrong

    Dan Savage is pinching himself. Can't BELIEVE the ironincal-ness!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or maybe he's just pleased that Rick is finally getting into the spirit of the thing.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I would imagine that it's hard to get glitter out of cum. Say, maybe Mittens will help Frothy do his laundry. They could talk about aborted fetuses and other girly talk (as in be MEAN to girls cause they're dumb).

  • slithytoves

    For someone who sucks so much, he's absolutely clueless.

    • Biff

      #hesucksalot

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Who the hell was stupid, gullible or borderline coma-induced enough to send any quantity of $$ to this conservadrone, who can't even place 2nd in S.C. despite a throng of "family-faction" endorsements, such that adds up to 1-plus million dollars??

    • iburl

      Corporations are people too.

    • chicken_thief

      Prolly Mittens just to carve up the conservative vote and fuck with Newt.

    • Isyaignert

      The same people who believe that Adam and Eve rode their dinosaurs to church on Sunday.

  • UnholyMoses

    C.U.M. … ? Really? They seriously did that?

    These clowns either get a massive FAIL at Google, or an epic WIN of (intentional) comedy.

    Sadly, I have no idea which …

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I have a pretty good idea….

      • UnholyMoses

        Oh, so do I.

        I just … I mean … they really did that. They truly, honestly, really did do that.

        **blink**

        **blink blink**

        Lack of self awareness: They're doin' it quite well.

    • finallyhappy

      It has to be some undercover person- this couldn't just be a coincidence!!

    • paris biltong

      Probably suggested by Romney, who knows the difference between ex dividend (Newt) and cum dividend (Santorum).

    • SherrieGG

      It's like there's a Colbert ringer in there. Jon Stewart has an embarrassment of riches for tonight.

    • SherrieGG

      Personally I think Steven Colbert got himself a ringer into the campaign. Jon Stewart is going to have an embarrassment of riches tonight.

    • ThundercatHo

      Conservative xtians wouldn't know what CUM was if it hit them in the face.

      • UnholyMoses

        There's a joke about Catholic priests in there somewhere …

  • PsycWench

    Later when he undressed for the evening, he found glitter in his underwear and smiled wistfully.

    • Fare la Volpe

      "Reminds me of my college days…"

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Not on the sweater-vest, Not on the sweater-vest.

  • ThundercatHo

    "We Love Mitt", "Tighter Fit", "Show Your Tit(s)", "Banana Split", "Holy Shit"?

    • MissTaken

      Filthy Shit?

    • Steverino247

      Frothy shit!

  • SorosBot

    Santorum spread his CUM all over South Carolina?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “there’s something out of whack” in this country.

    …which your continued presence on the national scene illustrates perfectly, Rick.

    • SorosBot

      Hehe whack; he makes it too easy.

  • MissTaken

    "In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress"

    That's what happens when it's all glitter and no substance.

    • SorosBot

      Being the repressed self-loathing closet case that he is, and with his obsession over other people's sex lives indicating he's probably got a tiny flaccid little pencil dick, I wouldn't expect Santorum's CUM to ever have much of an impact.

      • MissTaken

        I'm sure the Ken dolls I had growing up were more hung than Santorum.

        • SorosBot

          The Ken dolls were probably better conversationalists too, and care more about a woman's feelings.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll used to get all the plastic tail in the '60s. Ken didn't know what hit him.

          • widestanceshakedown

            My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll got my sister's Ken doll's tail (boy, was she upset about my corrective surgery on Ken).

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            "The boy ain't right."

    • Guppy

      It peaked too soon.

  • PsycWench

    Could he have misunderstood the steaks-and-blow-job initiative?

    • ThundercatHo

      Probably not and I bet he wouldn't understand reciprocity either.

    • Steverino247

      I prefer chicken-and-blow-jobs myself, so it's possible.

  • orygoon

    I vacillate about which of these guys is the worst person in the world, and currently, Rick is down a few places on the list. Hey now, he said "something is out of whack in this country"? See! He's even right a little bit of the time.

    But vice president? Not on his best day, and our worst.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    OT – but Rand Paul's junk is in the news.
    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/senator-rand-p

    • SherrieGG

      Amusingly enough, he refused the patdown because he thought it was "too invasive".

      He was on his way to a right to life rally.

    • prommie

      Shorter Rand Paul: "Help, help, I'm being oppressed. Come see the violence inherent in the system. This is what I have been going on about. I'm being oppressed." Paultards all over the nation are climbing up on their highest horses, all named "Indignation" and deploring the tyranny.

      • MOG2410

        Run away!!!

      • MosesInvests

        I thought we were an autonomous collective!

      • GOPCrusher

        Because Rand is White, the presumption is that the equipment is failing.

    • Biff

      TSA slavery will not stand!

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      How did those TSA agents not know how much more important he is than them?

  • Beowoof

    I am sure Santorum will swallow the evidence of his homesexual activity.

  • freakishlywrong

    That "something out of whack" that Ricky is referring to is the fact that some in this country think it's perfectly ok for Jesus to peek in peoples bedroom windows and cluck disapprovingly at anything that conservatives don't find acceptable.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    CANNOT be true. I don't care how many links, tweets, screencaps………NOBODY is that fucking stupid.

    • MOG2410

      Sure, I can just see one of his staff members (heh) in the Men's Room laughing his ass off right now.

    • GOPCrusher

      Yes. Yes they are. And when someone points out to him what the acronym is, he will use it to claim that he is a victim of liberals assault on American morals.

  • neiltheblaze

    The Santorum campaign is threatening to become the single biggest Performance Art piece in History.

  • MissTaken

    Santorum formed CUM. Isn't it normally the other way around?

    • Guppy

      There's a fetish for everything.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Citizens United for Newt Time has tried time and time again to partner with Conservative Unite Moneybomb, but at the end of the day, everyone gives up in frustration (just ask Lady Santorum).

    • Generation[redacted]

      They get frustrated because they don't have enough impact to penetrate the Santorum inner circle.

    • Steverino247

      "Lady" Santorum? Get that British shit outta here!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because…

    Because Man-on-Dog-on-Roof, that's why.

    CUM on and spread the Santorum!
    ~

    • Biff

      zing!

  • chascates

    Eventually some anti-abortion activist will try to shower Obama with aborted fetuses.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Not another "Santorum "C.U.M.-from-behind" story. Ewwwwwwww.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Babe with small ponytail at Wisconsin Recall

    • SudsMcKenzie

      "Side Burns" looks like he's dieing to tell people about his weekend.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Yep…was looking at everyone hoping they would open a conversation.

        finally drugged out slackers showing up at the computer terminals.

        • SudsMcKenzie

          Checkered sweater small pony tail girl reminds me of when they bring in Heather Locklear to spice up an episode.

          • paris biltong

            Chick next to Hoodie on extreme right completely stopped doing any work.

          • SudsMcKenzie

            Yeah, I think she talks a good game when she is putting on the spikes in the locker room, but folds when she hits "the field".

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Runny nose. Waiting for the candyman to show up.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      "Side Burns" trying to rock a scarf, who do you think you are Mark McKinnon?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    ♪ Oh CUM all ye faithful ♪

  • BaldarTFlagass

    CUM-Bomb? Uh, no.

  • ttommyunger

    CUM? Really? Oh well, judging by the grin on Santwhorum's puss, he likes taking it the face. The bodyguard? Notsomuch, prolly a pitcher.

    • Toomush_Infer

      pitcher of CUM?….

      • ttommyunger

        Eggzakly!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Also wanted to thank everyone that participated last night. I'm still sore.

    Chet RULEZ!!!!!!!!!

  • Gunner Asch

    I dunno about him but I'm seldom out of whack, or at least the inclination.

  • iburl

    Some of the other fundraisers/groups supporting Santorum:

    Fundamentalist Republican Oligarchs Taking Handouts Yearly

    Southern Plutocratic Oligarchs Overthrowing Grassroots Economics

    • Isyaignert

      Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. Big mistake!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Santorum’s subluminal sexytime messages would make for an interesting presidency.

    I still do not want.

  • kissawookiee

    This is probably the appropriate time to give my epic link fail from an earlier thread another shot. Heh heh, shot.
    http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/natural-har

    • ThundercatHo

      Can a link win Comment Of The Day? That is unspeakably awesome and I can't wait until my bf, who collects cookbooks, to get back to me.

    • prommie

      Anyone who intends to make the recipes in this book will need copious amounts of man-goo. Better have good "milking" skills.

    • Isyaignert

      Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. That does it – no more Wonkette stories about Frothy the Santorum whilst dining.

  • widestanceshakedown

    You know who else liked CUM on their Facebook?

  • BarryOPotter

    RICKY SAY RELAX
    ♫…when you wanna… C.U.M!♫

  • paris biltong

    Also, WTF is a "moneybomb"? A Wall Street IED? A condom filled with coins and dropped from a high floor?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Glitter-bombing is a bad idea. What are we going to say when assholes start throwing food stamps at Democratic candidates?

    • kissawookiee

      Why, that they're perpetuating a culture of dependency, that's what.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ummm, thanks?…

    • MOG2410

      Depends if we can use them or not.

  • YouBetcha

    And he thought he had a Google problem before….

  • hagajim

    Did the glitter stick to the Santorum creating a C.U.M.my mess?

  • MissTaken

    Americans Standing Strong For Uniting Citizens Knowledge In Neverending God.

    • prommie

      I am glad to see the traditions of Wonkette being upheld in this fashion.

  • Callyson

    I'm not a mental health professional, but if this isn't a call for help, I don't know what is…
    …then again, Ricky might be asking for help from another kind of professional…

  • elviouslyqueer

    *watches concession speech video*

    Um, Rick? The young guy behind you in the sweater vest? Yea, the one who kept "bumping in to you" excitedly as you swayed before the podium. GAY.

    You're welcome.

    EQ

    • fuflans

      totally. and it's going to be a sad sad for that boy's family when reality hits.

  • Nostrildamus

    Realizing their mistake, the group immediately reorganized under the name "America Needs U Santorum".

    • elviouslyqueer

      Obviously, they're the group that splintered off from Americans Supporting Santorum Helps Our Leadership Explode.

    • MOG2410

      They can't produce the T-shirts fast enough to keep up.

  • TeaNuts

    Spits or Swallows? Inquiring minds want to know.

  • chicken_thief

    Gov Haley was quoted as saying "it is a great day to be in South Carolina" as she licked her lips.

  • ElPinche

    Oh, but look at him in his "victory" speech. He looks sooo happy even with 90+% youtube dislikes.

  • prommie

    Santorum always just wanted to be Prom Queen!

  • savethispatient

    "Cheating Git" / "Keep it Fit" I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick", but unfortunately Santorum supporters only apparently start chants when they have their mouths full. How can you expect to become President if your supporters can't annunciate properly?!

    • elviouslyqueer

      I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick"

      "We Lick Prick," more likely.

  • chicken_thief

    Is a cum bomb like bukkake?! I am so out of the loop….

  • DahBoner

    At last, Wolfgang Puck has finally perfected a new sauce to serve on that Republican Fundraiser Rubber chicken…

  • YouBetcha

    After the problems with vote counting in Iowa, Santorum has put together an organization to make sure each vote is counted properly, Fighting Election Linked Corruption Headquarters.

    • prommie

      Is felching real, or was it a made-up thing, like a rusty trombone or a donkey punch?

      • YouBetcha

        Wait, donkey punching isn't real? I beg to differ. I still have headaches, and it has been at least a year.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Liz Colville, I think you're officially getting the hang of this Wonkette Thing. LOL-ing, thank you!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Ooohh, "Horizontal" (Heather Locklear) FTW.

    … not that theres anything wrong with "Vertical"

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Their calling her "the girl with the dragon tattoo" now, I want to put a baby in her!

  • Redhead

    Santorum-launched CUM fails to excite.

    I think whoever wrote that campaign slogan is on the take from headline writers across the country – one mass media conspiracy theory I would actually believe.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    I imagine when a C.U.M-bomb meets a glitter-bomb, and dries? It's permanent.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Skeet skeet skeet, motherfuckers.

  • HistoriCat

    At the end of the moneybomb, Rick immediately rolled over and fell asleep.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Hey, Weigel finally wrote something interesting!

  • teebob2000

    Santorum just WAITING for that big ol' CUMshot of funds.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    If there's going to be cum, we need to see Rick's "fuck face."

  • FakaktaSouth

    I bet we could sell him Sacrilegious Liberals Undermine Theology, Honoring Our Righteous Newborn Youths and Teabaggers Will Always Trust Santorum. He's my new fave forever.

  • Flitzy

    Man, that Santorum really got himself in a sticky, messy situation didn't he?

  • GOPCrusher

    O/T: But NPR is reported that someone has hacked Chuck Grassley's Twitter account and has been using it to send messages out.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      They could tell because they made sense?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I contributed.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Special Ops?