RICKITY SPLIT  12:00 pm January 23, 2012

Santorum’s C.U.M. Party Crashed By Glitter-Bombers

by Liz Colville

GlitterPhoto

Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER.

As Santorum’s bodyguard bravely tried to block the hail of glitter with his bare hands, the glitter-bombs screamed, “Occupy! Occupy!,” “Gay rights!” “You’re a bigot,” “You hate gays!” and other well-deserved declarative statements, long after they were rather gently ushered out of the room Santorum was in, and descended the stairs out of the building crying, “You’re not welcome in South Carolina.” Some old pro-Santorum geezer swore at them from the top of the staircase, which interestingly was the only bleeped-out moment of the whole exchange. The old fart may be convinced that glitter, like LGBT equality license plates, carries a highly contagious virus called Gay.

NOT A JOKE AND YET VERY FUNNY

Santorum apparently used the money earned in the C.U.M.-bomb, which tragically exceeded the goal of $1 million, to hire a speechwriter ballsy enough to put a September 11th tie-in in the candidate’s You Are Nothing Without Me third-place “victory” speech. Santorum explained in that speech that he went to a town near the site where Flight 93 crashed in Shanksville, PA, and near where his grandfather DUG FREEDOM to figure out wherefore he was running for president. His supporters then assented with chants of, not sure really, it sounded like “Keep It Fit” or maybe “Cheating Git” (?)

Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because “there’s something out of whack” in this country. Rick, it was just Daylight Savings Time, and it’s over now, so bye. [Jezebel/Scott Wooledge]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 157 comments }

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

The glitter bomb was sent anonymously by Marcus B.

SherrieGG January 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I am imagining the sweaty guys huddled in a room drawing straws to see which one has to inform Ricky why this is not the best name to use. They obviously learned nothing from the Langston Hughes debacle.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

The dead give away though, was the receipt from a pet shop in Iowa for dog clothes that was mixed in with the glitter.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Well, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been called Americans Standing Side by Side To American Ideals and Nuturing. Or something like that.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Americans Standing Side-by-side
To
Make Our Unpopular Theories Hurtful

(really had to reach for the last H there)

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Bold Undertaking To Tame Socialist, Elitist, Chicago Hooligans: Santorum!

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

You know who else was a part of CUM?

OkieDokieDog January 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Newt's 3rd wife?

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Hugh Hefner?

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Barbie Benton?

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Peter North?

chascates January 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Lindsey Graham?

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Monica Lewinsky?

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Bristol Palin?

Oh, what am I saying. All the female Palins and a sizeable portion of the male Palins as well, also too, Katie?

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Seamen?

widestanceshakedown January 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Otis Spunkmeyer?

MildMidwesterner January 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Anita Dickens

jus_wonderin January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The Little Mermaid?

Callyson January 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Mary Kay Letourneau?

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Every single one of us?

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Well really just half of us.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

My dad would disagree with you.

Dashboard Buddha January 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Maxwell Smart & 99.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Octomom? Osama Bin Shot in the Head?

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Every one of us, whether we choose to believe it or not, is the result of an ejaculating penis. (Your mileage may vary. Offer not good in Nebraska. Penis in mirror may be smaller than you'd like to admit.)

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Speak for yourself! I sprung fully formed out of my dad's head!

Wait….

Veritas78 January 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Now that you put it that way, I feel so dirty. And I wanna do it again.

proudgrampa January 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Johnny Wad?

Isyaignert January 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Larry Flynt?

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Dan Savage is pinching himself. Can't BELIEVE the ironincal-ness!

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Or maybe he's just pleased that Rick is finally getting into the spirit of the thing.

OkieDokieDog January 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I would imagine that it's hard to get glitter out of cum. Say, maybe Mittens will help Frothy do his laundry. They could talk about aborted fetuses and other girly talk (as in be MEAN to girls cause they're dumb).

slithytoves January 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

For someone who sucks so much, he's absolutely clueless.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

#hesucksalot

Mumbletypeg January 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Who the hell was stupid, gullible or borderline coma-induced enough to send any quantity of $$ to this conservadrone, who can't even place 2nd in S.C. despite a throng of "family-faction" endorsements, such that adds up to 1-plus million dollars??

iburl January 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Corporations are people too.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Prolly Mittens just to carve up the conservative vote and fuck with Newt.

Isyaignert January 23, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The same people who believe that Adam and Eve rode their dinosaurs to church on Sunday.

UnholyMoses January 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

C.U.M. … ? Really? They seriously did that?

These clowns either get a massive FAIL at Google, or an epic WIN of (intentional) comedy.

Sadly, I have no idea which …

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I have a pretty good idea….

UnholyMoses January 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Oh, so do I.

I just … I mean … they really did that. They truly, honestly, really did do that.

**blink**

**blink blink**

Lack of self awareness: They're doin' it quite well.

finallyhappy January 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

It has to be some undercover person- this couldn't just be a coincidence!!

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Probably suggested by Romney, who knows the difference between ex dividend (Newt) and cum dividend (Santorum).

SherrieGG January 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

It's like there's a Colbert ringer in there. Jon Stewart has an embarrassment of riches for tonight.

SherrieGG January 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Personally I think Steven Colbert got himself a ringer into the campaign. Jon Stewart is going to have an embarrassment of riches tonight.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Conservative xtians wouldn't know what CUM was if it hit them in the face.

UnholyMoses January 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

There's a joke about Catholic priests in there somewhere …

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Later when he undressed for the evening, he found glitter in his underwear and smiled wistfully.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Reminds me of my college days…"

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Not on the sweater-vest, Not on the sweater-vest.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

"We Love Mitt", "Tighter Fit", "Show Your Tit(s)", "Banana Split", "Holy Shit"?

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Filthy Shit?

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Frothy shit!

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Santorum spread his CUM all over South Carolina?

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

“there’s something out of whack” in this country.

…which your continued presence on the national scene illustrates perfectly, Rick.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Hehe whack; he makes it too easy.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

"In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress"

That's what happens when it's all glitter and no substance.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Being the repressed self-loathing closet case that he is, and with his obsession over other people's sex lives indicating he's probably got a tiny flaccid little pencil dick, I wouldn't expect Santorum's CUM to ever have much of an impact.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I'm sure the Ken dolls I had growing up were more hung than Santorum.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

The Ken dolls were probably better conversationalists too, and care more about a woman's feelings.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll used to get all the plastic tail in the '60s. Ken didn't know what hit him.

widestanceshakedown January 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll got my sister's Ken doll's tail (boy, was she upset about my corrective surgery on Ken).

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It peaked too soon.

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Could he have misunderstood the steaks-and-blow-job initiative?

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Probably not and I bet he wouldn't understand reciprocity either.

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I prefer chicken-and-blow-jobs myself, so it's possible.

orygoon January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I vacillate about which of these guys is the worst person in the world, and currently, Rick is down a few places on the list. Hey now, he said "something is out of whack in this country"? See! He's even right a little bit of the time.

But vice president? Not on his best day, and our worst.

Dashboard Buddha January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

OT – but Rand Paul's junk is in the news.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/senator-rand-p

SherrieGG January 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Amusingly enough, he refused the patdown because he thought it was "too invasive".

He was on his way to a right to life rally.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Shorter Rand Paul: "Help, help, I'm being oppressed. Come see the violence inherent in the system. This is what I have been going on about. I'm being oppressed." Paultards all over the nation are climbing up on their highest horses, all named "Indignation" and deploring the tyranny.

MOG2410 January 23, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Run away!!!

MosesInvests January 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I thought we were an autonomous collective!

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Because Rand is White, the presumption is that the equipment is failing.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

TSA slavery will not stand!

Designer_Rants January 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm

How did those TSA agents not know how much more important he is than them?

Beowoof January 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I am sure Santorum will swallow the evidence of his homesexual activity.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

That "something out of whack" that Ricky is referring to is the fact that some in this country think it's perfectly ok for Jesus to peek in peoples bedroom windows and cluck disapprovingly at anything that conservatives don't find acceptable.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

CANNOT be true. I don't care how many links, tweets, screencaps………NOBODY is that fucking stupid.

MOG2410 January 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Sure, I can just see one of his staff members (heh) in the Men's Room laughing his ass off right now.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Yes. Yes they are. And when someone points out to him what the acronym is, he will use it to claim that he is a victim of liberals assault on American morals.

neiltheblaze January 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm

The Santorum campaign is threatening to become the single biggest Performance Art piece in History.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Santorum formed CUM. Isn't it normally the other way around?

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm

There's a fetish for everything.

widestanceshakedown January 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Citizens United for Newt Time has tried time and time again to partner with Conservative Unite Moneybomb, but at the end of the day, everyone gives up in frustration (just ask Lady Santorum).

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

They get frustrated because they don't have enough impact to penetrate the Santorum inner circle.

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

"Lady" Santorum? Get that British shit outta here!

ifthethunderdontgetya January 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because…

Because Man-on-Dog-on-Roof, that's why.

CUM on and spread the Santorum!
~

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

zing!

chascates January 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Eventually some anti-abortion activist will try to shower Obama with aborted fetuses.

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Not another "Santorum "C.U.M.-from-behind" story. Ewwwwwwww.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Babe with small ponytail at Wisconsin Recall

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm

"Side Burns" looks like he's dieing to tell people about his weekend.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Yep…was looking at everyone hoping they would open a conversation.

finally drugged out slackers showing up at the computer terminals.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Checkered sweater small pony tail girl reminds me of when they bring in Heather Locklear to spice up an episode.

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Chick next to Hoodie on extreme right completely stopped doing any work.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"Side Burns" trying to rock a scarf, who do you think you are Mark McKinnon?

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

♪ Oh CUM all ye faithful ♪

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm

CUM-Bomb? Uh, no.

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

CUM? Really? Oh well, judging by the grin on Santwhorum's puss, he likes taking it the face. The bodyguard? Notsomuch, prolly a pitcher.

Toomush_Infer January 23, 2012 at 1:23 pm

pitcher of CUM?….

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Eggzakly!

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Also wanted to thank everyone that participated last night. I'm still sore.

Chet RULEZ!!!!!!!!!

Gunner Asch January 23, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I dunno about him but I'm seldom out of whack, or at least the inclination.

iburl January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Some of the other fundraisers/groups supporting Santorum:

Fundamentalist Republican Oligarchs Taking Handouts Yearly

Southern Plutocratic Oligarchs Overthrowing Grassroots Economics

Isyaignert January 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. Big mistake!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 23, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Santorum’s subluminal sexytime messages would make for an interesting presidency.

I still do not want.

kissawookiee January 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

This is probably the appropriate time to give my epic link fail from an earlier thread another shot. Heh heh, shot.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/natural-har

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Can a link win Comment Of The Day? That is unspeakably awesome and I can't wait until my bf, who collects cookbooks, to get back to me.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Anyone who intends to make the recipes in this book will need copious amounts of man-goo. Better have good "milking" skills.

Isyaignert January 23, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. That does it – no more Wonkette stories about Frothy the Santorum whilst dining.

widestanceshakedown January 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

You know who else liked CUM on their Facebook?

BarryOPotter January 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

RICKY SAY RELAX
♫…when you wanna… C.U.M!♫

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Also, WTF is a "moneybomb"? A Wall Street IED? A condom filled with coins and dropped from a high floor?

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Glitter-bombing is a bad idea. What are we going to say when assholes start throwing food stamps at Democratic candidates?

kissawookiee January 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Why, that they're perpetuating a culture of dependency, that's what.

Toomush_Infer January 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Ummm, thanks?…

MOG2410 January 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Depends if we can use them or not.

YouBetcha January 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

And he thought he had a Google problem before….

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Did the glitter stick to the Santorum creating a C.U.M.my mess?

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Americans Standing Strong For Uniting Citizens Knowledge In Neverending God.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I am glad to see the traditions of Wonkette being upheld in this fashion.

Callyson January 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'm not a mental health professional, but if this isn't a call for help, I don't know what is…
…then again, Ricky might be asking for help from another kind of professional…

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

*watches concession speech video*

Um, Rick? The young guy behind you in the sweater vest? Yea, the one who kept "bumping in to you" excitedly as you swayed before the podium. GAY.

You're welcome.

EQ

fuflans January 24, 2012 at 12:19 am

totally. and it's going to be a sad sad for that boy's family when reality hits.

Nostrildamus January 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Realizing their mistake, the group immediately reorganized under the name "America Needs U Santorum".

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Obviously, they're the group that splintered off from Americans Supporting Santorum Helps Our Leadership Explode.

MOG2410 January 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

They can't produce the T-shirts fast enough to keep up.

TeaNuts January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Spits or Swallows? Inquiring minds want to know.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Gov Haley was quoted as saying "it is a great day to be in South Carolina" as she licked her lips.

ElPinche January 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Oh, but look at him in his "victory" speech. He looks sooo happy even with 90+% youtube dislikes.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Santorum always just wanted to be Prom Queen!

savethispatient January 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Cheating Git" / "Keep it Fit" I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick", but unfortunately Santorum supporters only apparently start chants when they have their mouths full. How can you expect to become President if your supporters can't annunciate properly?!

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick"

"We Lick Prick," more likely.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Is a cum bomb like bukkake?! I am so out of the loop….

DahBoner January 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

At last, Wolfgang Puck has finally perfected a new sauce to serve on that Republican Fundraiser Rubber chicken…

YouBetcha January 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

After the problems with vote counting in Iowa, Santorum has put together an organization to make sure each vote is counted properly, Fighting Election Linked Corruption Headquarters.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Is felching real, or was it a made-up thing, like a rusty trombone or a donkey punch?

YouBetcha January 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Wait, donkey punching isn't real? I beg to differ. I still have headaches, and it has been at least a year.

Designer_Rants January 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Liz Colville, I think you're officially getting the hang of this Wonkette Thing. LOL-ing, thank you!

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Ooohh, "Horizontal" (Heather Locklear) FTW.

… not that theres anything wrong with "Vertical"

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Their calling her "the girl with the dragon tattoo" now, I want to put a baby in her!

Redhead January 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Santorum-launched CUM fails to excite.

I think whoever wrote that campaign slogan is on the take from headline writers across the country – one mass media conspiracy theory I would actually believe.

Designer_Rants January 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I imagine when a C.U.M-bomb meets a glitter-bomb, and dries? It's permanent.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Skeet skeet skeet, motherfuckers.

HistoriCat January 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm

At the end of the moneybomb, Rick immediately rolled over and fell asleep.

V572 the Merciless January 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Hey, Weigel finally wrote something interesting!

teebob2000 January 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Santorum just WAITING for that big ol' CUMshot of funds.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

If there's going to be cum, we need to see Rick's "fuck face."

FakaktaSouth January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I bet we could sell him Sacrilegious Liberals Undermine Theology, Honoring Our Righteous Newborn Youths and Teabaggers Will Always Trust Santorum. He's my new fave forever.

Flitzy January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Man, that Santorum really got himself in a sticky, messy situation didn't he?

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:06 pm

O/T: But NPR is reported that someone has hacked Chuck Grassley's Twitter account and has been using it to send messages out.

ShaveTheWhales January 23, 2012 at 3:58 pm

They could tell because they made sense?

mrblifil January 23, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I contributed.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, I think she talks a good game when she is putting on the spikes in the locker room, but folds when she hits "the field".

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Runny nose. Waiting for the candyman to show up.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Special Ops?

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"The boy ain't right."

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