Santorum’s C.U.M. Party Crashed By Glitter-Bombers

  rickity split

GlitterPhoto

Rick Santorum’s wild weekend in South Carolina started with a fundraising campaign called, excellently, the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (C.U.M.), and ended with a second-to-worst-place finish and what was essentially a rambling plea for a robot/muffin to take him in their arms and make him their running mate. In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress South Carolina voters, and then Santorum “fans” unleashed a bomb of their own while the candidate was signing autographs post-primary results: GLITTER.

As Santorum’s bodyguard bravely tried to block the hail of glitter with his bare hands, the glitter-bombs screamed, “Occupy! Occupy!,” “Gay rights!” “You’re a bigot,” “You hate gays!” and other well-deserved declarative statements, long after they were rather gently ushered out of the room Santorum was in, and descended the stairs out of the building crying, “You’re not welcome in South Carolina.” Some old pro-Santorum geezer swore at them from the top of the staircase, which interestingly was the only bleeped-out moment of the whole exchange. The old fart may be convinced that glitter, like LGBT equality license plates, carries a highly contagious virus called Gay.

NOT A JOKE AND YET VERY FUNNY

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Santorum apparently used the money earned in the C.U.M.-bomb, which tragically exceeded the goal of $1 million, to hire a speechwriter ballsy enough to put a September 11th tie-in in the candidate’s You Are Nothing Without Me third-place “victory” speech. Santorum explained in that speech that he went to a town near the site where Flight 93 crashed in Shanksville, PA, and near where his grandfather DUG FREEDOM to figure out wherefore he was running for president. His supporters then assented with chants of, not sure really, it sounded like “Keep It Fit” or maybe “Cheating Git” (?)

Santorum explained in the speech that he is running for (vice, really) president because “there’s something out of whack” in this country. Rick, it was just Daylight Savings Time, and it’s over now, so bye. [Jezebel/Scott Wooledge]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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157 comments

    1. SherrieGG

      I am imagining the sweaty guys huddled in a room drawing straws to see which one has to inform Ricky why this is not the best name to use. They obviously learned nothing from the Langston Hughes debacle.

    2. chicken_thief

      The dead give away though, was the receipt from a pet shop in Iowa for dog clothes that was mixed in with the glitter.

  1. actor212

    Well, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been called Americans Standing Side by Side To American Ideals and Nuturing. Or something like that.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Americans Standing Side-by-side
      To
      Make Our Unpopular Theories Hurtful

      (really had to reach for the last H there)

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Bristol Palin?

      Oh, what am I saying. All the female Palins and a sizeable portion of the male Palins as well, also too, Katie?

    2. Steverino247

      Every one of us, whether we choose to believe it or not, is the result of an ejaculating penis. (Your mileage may vary. Offer not good in Nebraska. Penis in mirror may be smaller than you'd like to admit.)

  2. OkieDokieDog

    I would imagine that it's hard to get glitter out of cum. Say, maybe Mittens will help Frothy do his laundry. They could talk about aborted fetuses and other girly talk (as in be MEAN to girls cause they're dumb).

  3. Mumbletypeg

    Who the hell was stupid, gullible or borderline coma-induced enough to send any quantity of $$ to this conservadrone, who can't even place 2nd in S.C. despite a throng of "family-faction" endorsements, such that adds up to 1-plus million dollars??

  4. UnholyMoses

    C.U.M. … ? Really? They seriously did that?

    These clowns either get a massive FAIL at Google, or an epic WIN of (intentional) comedy.

    Sadly, I have no idea which …

      1. UnholyMoses

        Oh, so do I.

        I just … I mean … they really did that. They truly, honestly, really did do that.

        **blink**

        **blink blink**

        Lack of self awareness: They're doin' it quite well.

    1. paris biltong

      Probably suggested by Romney, who knows the difference between ex dividend (Newt) and cum dividend (Santorum).

    2. SherrieGG

      It's like there's a Colbert ringer in there. Jon Stewart has an embarrassment of riches for tonight.

    3. SherrieGG

      Personally I think Steven Colbert got himself a ringer into the campaign. Jon Stewart is going to have an embarrassment of riches tonight.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    “there’s something out of whack” in this country.

    …which your continued presence on the national scene illustrates perfectly, Rick.

  6. MissTaken

    "In the end, the C.U.M. didn’t have enough of an impact to impress"

    That's what happens when it's all glitter and no substance.

    1. SorosBot

      Being the repressed self-loathing closet case that he is, and with his obsession over other people's sex lives indicating he's probably got a tiny flaccid little pencil dick, I wouldn't expect Santorum's CUM to ever have much of an impact.

        1. SorosBot

          The Ken dolls were probably better conversationalists too, and care more about a woman's feelings.

          1. widestanceshakedown

            My Major Matt Mason Astronaut Doll got my sister's Ken doll's tail (boy, was she upset about my corrective surgery on Ken).

  7. orygoon

    I vacillate about which of these guys is the worst person in the world, and currently, Rick is down a few places on the list. Hey now, he said "something is out of whack in this country"? See! He's even right a little bit of the time.

    But vice president? Not on his best day, and our worst.

    1. SherrieGG

      Amusingly enough, he refused the patdown because he thought it was "too invasive".

      He was on his way to a right to life rally.

    2. prommie

      Shorter Rand Paul: "Help, help, I'm being oppressed. Come see the violence inherent in the system. This is what I have been going on about. I'm being oppressed." Paultards all over the nation are climbing up on their highest horses, all named "Indignation" and deploring the tyranny.

  8. freakishlywrong

    That "something out of whack" that Ricky is referring to is the fact that some in this country think it's perfectly ok for Jesus to peek in peoples bedroom windows and cluck disapprovingly at anything that conservatives don't find acceptable.

  9. Blueb4sunrise

    CANNOT be true. I don't care how many links, tweets, screencaps………NOBODY is that fucking stupid.

    1. MOG2410

      Sure, I can just see one of his staff members (heh) in the Men's Room laughing his ass off right now.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Yes. Yes they are. And when someone points out to him what the acronym is, he will use it to claim that he is a victim of liberals assault on American morals.

  10. neiltheblaze

    The Santorum campaign is threatening to become the single biggest Performance Art piece in History.

  11. widestanceshakedown

    Citizens United for Newt Time has tried time and time again to partner with Conservative Unite Moneybomb, but at the end of the day, everyone gives up in frustration (just ask Lady Santorum).

    1. Generation[redacted]

      They get frustrated because they don't have enough impact to penetrate the Santorum inner circle.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Yep…was looking at everyone hoping they would open a conversation.

        finally drugged out slackers showing up at the computer terminals.

        1. SudsMcKenzie

          Checkered sweater small pony tail girl reminds me of when they bring in Heather Locklear to spice up an episode.

          1. SudsMcKenzie

            Yeah, I think she talks a good game when she is putting on the spikes in the locker room, but folds when she hits "the field".

  12. ttommyunger

    CUM? Really? Oh well, judging by the grin on Santwhorum's puss, he likes taking it the face. The bodyguard? Notsomuch, prolly a pitcher.

  13. iburl

    Some of the other fundraisers/groups supporting Santorum:

    Fundamentalist Republican Oligarchs Taking Handouts Yearly

    Southern Plutocratic Oligarchs Overthrowing Grassroots Economics

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Santorum’s subluminal sexytime messages would make for an interesting presidency.

    I still do not want.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Can a link win Comment Of The Day? That is unspeakably awesome and I can't wait until my bf, who collects cookbooks, to get back to me.

    2. prommie

      Anyone who intends to make the recipes in this book will need copious amounts of man-goo. Better have good "milking" skills.

    3. Isyaignert

      Oh crap, I just read that while eating lunch. That does it – no more Wonkette stories about Frothy the Santorum whilst dining.

  15. paris biltong

    Also, WTF is a "moneybomb"? A Wall Street IED? A condom filled with coins and dropped from a high floor?

  16. Callyson

    I'm not a mental health professional, but if this isn't a call for help, I don't know what is…
    …then again, Ricky might be asking for help from another kind of professional…

  17. elviouslyqueer

    *watches concession speech video*

    Um, Rick? The young guy behind you in the sweater vest? Yea, the one who kept "bumping in to you" excitedly as you swayed before the podium. GAY.

    You're welcome.

    EQ

  18. Nostrildamus

    Realizing their mistake, the group immediately reorganized under the name "America Needs U Santorum".

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Obviously, they're the group that splintered off from Americans Supporting Santorum Helps Our Leadership Explode.

  19. chicken_thief

    Gov Haley was quoted as saying "it is a great day to be in South Carolina" as she licked her lips.

  20. ElPinche

    Oh, but look at him in his "victory" speech. He looks sooo happy even with 90+% youtube dislikes.

  21. savethispatient

    "Cheating Git" / "Keep it Fit" I believe is actually meant to be "We Pick Rick", but unfortunately Santorum supporters only apparently start chants when they have their mouths full. How can you expect to become President if your supporters can't annunciate properly?!

  22. DahBoner

    At last, Wolfgang Puck has finally perfected a new sauce to serve on that Republican Fundraiser Rubber chicken…

  23. YouBetcha

    After the problems with vote counting in Iowa, Santorum has put together an organization to make sure each vote is counted properly, Fighting Election Linked Corruption Headquarters.

      1. YouBetcha

        Wait, donkey punching isn't real? I beg to differ. I still have headaches, and it has been at least a year.

  24. SudsMcKenzie

    Ooohh, "Horizontal" (Heather Locklear) FTW.

    … not that theres anything wrong with "Vertical"

  25. Redhead

    Santorum-launched CUM fails to excite.

    I think whoever wrote that campaign slogan is on the take from headline writers across the country – one mass media conspiracy theory I would actually believe.

  26. FakaktaSouth

    I bet we could sell him Sacrilegious Liberals Undermine Theology, Honoring Our Righteous Newborn Youths and Teabaggers Will Always Trust Santorum. He's my new fave forever.

  27. GOPCrusher

    O/T: But NPR is reported that someone has hacked Chuck Grassley's Twitter account and has been using it to send messages out.

Comments are closed.