dept. of edumacation reform

Tennessee Tea Party Don’t Want No Talk o’ Slavery In Them Schoolbooks

Moron pride.

Tennessee teabaggers are growing tired of being corrected by their fifth-grade relatives every darn time they get a notion to holler some about how Thomas Jefferson was human history’s inventor of freedom — maybe it’s time to LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, HMMM KIDS? The state’s tea party leadership made an indignant request to the state legislature demanding schools quit teaching children that the Founding Fathers owned slaves or killed Indians or made any mistakes whatsoever at any time, which they expressed with a statement notable firstly for its losing battle with grammar and syntax: “We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.” It has sort of a drunk Yoda ring to it, no? “Compel to teach the truth the students we will!” And then it’s pretty much downhill from there.

From the Commercial Appeal:

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that, given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly — and it was their progress that we need to look at,” said Rounds, whose website identifies him as a Vietnam War veteran of the Air Force and FedEx retiree who became a lawyer in 1995.

This same human who thinks the Native American genocide was “made up” would probably also argue to you that Jesus’s existence was a historical fact. Aren’t people neat? [Commercial Appeal thanks to Wonkette operative “Matthew B.”]

Comments

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  • Barrelhse

    Come on, Jesus. Take these idiots home.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Hang on! Hang on! He's coralling them all in Tennessee as we speak. It's not like he has super powers or anything.

    • LetUsBray

      What makes you think Jesus wants these fuckwads around?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    As long as they annotate the goddamn bible too, let 'em.

    • memzilla

      Can someone please tell me, what the hell is it with people below the Mason-Teatard Line? Is it something in the air? The water? Radon gas, maybe? Seriously.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        We're okay on literacy, problematic on comprehension, and fucked on utilization.

        Also, Jesus. He washes our sins away.

        • Loaded_Pants

          And makes the whites whiter!

      • RavenRant

        HBIS

        Hookworm Brain Infestation Syndrome

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          I, for one, welcome our squirmy, squiggly overlords.

          • RavenRant

            On the bright side, as a nation, we are completely safe from zombies. Not enough brains to lure them.

          • Loaded_Pants

            Out—out are the lights—out all!
            And, over each quivering form,
            The curtain, a funeral pall,
            Comes down with the rush of a storm,
            While the angels, all pallid and wan,
            Uprising, unveiling, affirm
            That the play is the tragedy, “Man,”
            And its hero, the Conqueror Worm.

      • sewollef

        "Can someone please tell me, what the hell is it with people below the Mason-Teatard Line? Is it something in the air? The water? Radon gas, maybe? Seriously."

        Religion.

        Seriously.

      • Loaded_Pants

        It's the result of Mountain Dew overdoses.

  • ChernobylSoup

    3/5 of all Tennesseans approve.

    • Antispandex

      Wow, I'd like to be with you on this issue, but I think 3/5 is just way too low. I've been to Tennessee.

  • Puffperney

    Hmmm.. Truth = What I want to believe.

    What a concept!

    • MaxNeanderthal

      "brought liberty into a world where it hadn't existed"- balls. Ignores the fact the Brits had been hewing their way through various kings/protectors they didn't like, or who'd got over ambitious ideas about their "divine rights" for the preceeding 150 years. By the time the founding fathers had their revolution (Entirely justified, George III was as mad as a trout), the English had already had 2 revolutions, one civil war, kicked out the bible bashers, kicked out the pope, seen off an invasion or two, and chopped off a king's head for an encore. Don't talk about "revolt", you pathetic GOP trolls, you obviously don't have the balls, and never will have….

  • memzilla

    Also, the Founding Fathers rode dinosaurs to their Tea Party meetings.

    • freakishlywrong

      While Jebus wrote the Constitution.

    • Loaded_Pants

      While ringin' them bells to warn the British that the British were coming.

    • Negropolis

      Silly, they are called "Jesus Horses".

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "….the founders intruding on the Indians… "

    Yeah, could you call back, we were just sitting down to dinner.

    • http://wonkette.com Kaia Mursi

      Terribly sorry to intrude on you! But no.

  • memzilla

    Geez, Tennessee… memory hole much?

  • barto

    OK now I'm really starting to lose my respect for lawyers… or maybe in Tennessee 1995 was a "by-year" for the bar exam?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      I know. I'm starting to lose my respect for Tennesseans, Tea Partiers, and racists, too. I still have some respect for FedEx. They make the trains run on time, you know.

    • finallyhappy

      I like how the lawyer on Grimm this week was a snake. I have no respect for many lawyers- I know too damn many here in the Dc area

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Begun it has, … the Tard Wars

    • freakishlywrong

      "These are not the tards you're looking for".

  • KathrynSane

    You have to admit this is a relatively smart move for teabaggers. You can't learn from history if you never learn it at all.

    • MrFizzy

      Can't repeat it either, so they'll never be called stupid.

  • Not_So_Much

    Truthspeak! About time we had more pitcher books of Adam and Eve riding their dinosaurs to the drive-in movies.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Wilmaaaaa!

    • hagajim

      I thought the Flintstones was historical gospel.

  • MissTaken

    I've always heard that history is written by the winners. These cannot possibly be the winners, right?

    • Puffperney

      Sometimes history is rewritten by those who happen to be the only ones left…

      …with apologies to Barbara Tuchman.

      • Generation[redacted]

        So everyone who hasn't already left the state in disgust.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      This is the very reason why — when I hear someone say "I worked hard to get this cushy job I have here, and all the fucking perks too!" — it becomes clear that their hard work was to enjoy a ready-made position in an industry filled with ready-made positions.

      The problem is, because of their "successes" (and sometimes our capital), they really do think they're on top. The rest of us need to use our actual creativity, on a zero dollar budget, and find out how to up-end these assholes "winners".

    • Guppy

      "Winning" is relative in Tennessee…

      • Swampgas_Man

        Winner Winner, brontosaurus dinner!

    • PsycWench

      Apparently not, since the rest of the world seems to be onto their wishful thinking. Hurray!

    • hagajim

      Yeah – but these guys want history to be written by the idiots.

    • OKthennext

      That's 'whiners', which is what history in Tennessee is written by.

    • TheGyrus

      The Union Army says no, these are not the winners.

      • HistoriCat

        We could use a man like General Sherman.

  • SorosBot

    If we can just change history to be whatever we want, can we get the Lord of the Rings taught in history class?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Only if Left Behind gets taught in science class.

      • finallyhappy

        sex ed- Rick Santorum?

        • Loaded_Pants

          US History- Newt Gingrich?

          • bikerlaureate

            Psychology – Miche1e ?

      • sewollef

        And Battlestar Galactica in science fiction class

    • Swampgas_Man

      Once Newt is elected Historian-in-Chief, these will naturally be introduced into the curriculum.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Yes, my precious.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Depends. Based on the 2010 Census, can you gerrymander Geek districts?

  • ThundercatHo

    "intruding on the Indians"

    Oh sorry, was this your continent? Pardon us while we just systematically slaughter, rape, pillage, etc. your entire race.

    • Geminisunmars

      Ooopsy.

    • Steverino247

      Well, to be fair, they were doing that kind of thing to each other long before Europeans showed up. However, the Europeans did bring ruthless efficiency, gunpowder and virulent diseases to the party.

      • Fare la Volpe

        And they brought such stylish blankets too!

        • Steverino247

          Not to mention $24 worth of trinkets with which to purchase Manhattan.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Back that statement up. With specifics.
        EDIT: What I am challenging is the idea that "systematic slaughter, rape and pillage" of the type practiced by Europeans occurred among North American Indians prior to Columbus. Of course Native Americans had wars and conflicts.

    • hagajim

      Hey! We gave them crappy land to live on…and casinos.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Indians should pass tribal legislation that says they can permit a person to put a lien on real property for gambling purposes. They could win some of their land back that way.

      • Loaded_Pants

        "We've found you some lovely lots out west. Beautiful views. Y'know it's all about location, right?"

    • Generation[redacted]

      Dear Miss Manners:

      How do I politely tell my house guests that they are intruding upon me and my family? We are starting to feel a bit put out with all the small pox, gatlin guns, cannons, and whatnot.

      Awaiting Your Reply,

      Intruded Upon.

      • ThundercatHo

        Gentle Reader,
        If history is to be our guide then I would suggest immediately killing any person from a foreign land who may arrive at your doorstep.
        Fondles, MM

    • anniegetyerfun

      A sincere apologetic note will often help to smooth things over.

      • chicken_thief

        "To anyone who may have been offended…."

  • jodyleek

    "And here two four, let it be resolved that the HOLY FOUNDING FATHER'S would beat their slaves, wives, and children with there onion belts (which was the style at the time) but only becuase they were asking for it. Also."

    • Swampgas_Man

      And the belt was no thicker than their thumb!

      • Nothingisamiss

        Give me three bees, I'd say, three bees for a dollar.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    As a former Tennessee resident, I hereby volunteer to drown the sentiments of my former wingtard neighbor-residents in a bathtub full of their own conflabber-babble.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …or sour mash. That shit is stinky.

    • tessiee

      "As a former Tennessee resident, I hereby volunteer"

      I see what you done thar.

  • MrFizzy

    There are stories about Nazis intruding on Jews – those are probably false too.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Well, at least they KNOCKED.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      As well as those tall tales of them intruding on Austria, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Holland, Belgium, Yugoslavia, Greece, Russia, etc etc etc. Vicious rumours, all!

    • An_Outhouse

      They gave them stylish pins to wear.

    • chicken_thief

      The Nazi's gave the Joos three hots and a cot, jerbs, and common recreational area – they had a gas!!!

  • James Michael Curley

    Still not as bad as the Alabama legislator, who when tired of hearing Alabama insulted, introduced legislation to change the state's name to Mississippi.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    C'mon, rednecks. This is your *HERITAGE* you're talking about. You're supposed to be gosh durn proud of the all the slave ownin' and injun killin' and suchlike.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Free Bird!12

    • GOPCrusher

      Why do these people hate Daniel Boone?

    • tessiee

      "This is your *HERITAGE* you're talking about. You're supposed to be gosh durn proud of the all the slave ownin' and injun killin' and suchlike."

      Oh, they are, never fear. They've just got a giant bug up their collective ass that those things are frowned upon by a lot of people nowadays — so if they can't have genocide and slavery portrayed positively in the history books, they're not gonna have them AT ALL! SO THERE!!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Other helpful suggestions for Tennessee Historical Revisionist Dipshits:
    1) Wounded Knee happened because those ungrateful Indians took white man's land
    2) Vietnam was a tie.
    3) Blacks were really ungrateful people white men hired to work. They unionized and thus sparked the Civil War which was really about Labor Laws intruding on State's Rights
    4) Capitalists did not exploit workers. It's all commie union fascist propaganda
    5) The Scope's Monkey trial was not a travesty of "law" intruding on skienze. Ape must not teach ape
    6) The idea that giving electricity to backwoods inbreds was a good idea.

    • Guppy

      3b) Lincoln was a Democrat

    • EatsBabyDingos

      North: 1
      South: 0
      Halftime.

    • Barrelhse

      …) Close relatives are not for sexual gratification.

  • MildMidwesterner

    "the founders intruding on the Indians"

    I believe Jefferson spent most of his time intruding on Sally Hemmings, not Indians.

  • Wonderthing

    In the Big Rock Candy Mountain, however, you never change your socks. The creeks are filled with alcohol and bagels schmeared with lox. Or something. It's paradise, anyway.

    • Biff

      Beat Farmers!

    • Fare la Volpe

      True story: that song is actually about a hobo trying to kidnap a nubile young boy with promises of candy and beer. Traveling hobos called "jockers" used to steal children so they would have free pack mules, beggars, and fuck holes to bring with them on their journeys. Yep, it's a cautionary song about child rape.

      History is fun!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Jesus. First the entire Mama's and the Papa's repertoire, now this. Why can't people like you just keep your mouths shut?

        And no! I don't want to hear any depraved shit about the Beatles, thank you!

        • Fare la Volpe

          Paul is still dead.

          • Swampgas_Man

            "Puff the Magic Dragon" is about marijuana.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            And "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" was about mixing Coca-Cola with aspirin, right?

        • Wonderthing

          Last Train to Clarksville is an anti-war song. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

      • doloras

        I do like the last verse:

        "The punk rolled up his big blue eyes
        And said to the jocker, "Sandy,
        I've hiked and hiked and wandered too,
        But I ain't seen any candy.
        I've hiked and hiked till my feet are sore
        And I'll be damned if I hike any more
        To be buggered sore like a hobo's whore
        In the Big Rock Candy Mountains."

      • tessiee

        O_O

        That song is one of the first songs I remember ever hearing, way back when I was a tiny Tessie. I stayed with my Grandma during the day when my parents were at work, and that was one of the songs she used to sing. I remember the part about the cigarette trees and soft-boiled eggs, but not the part about the whores.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "You're welcome," said Arizona .

  • Baconzgood

    "not all equally instantly good too also"

    • Fare la Volpe

      Like such as the Iraq and South Africa, everywhere like such as.

  • privatejoker77

    Just can't get dumber fast enough in Amerika.

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh for fucks sake. Are these assholes still around?

    • RavenRant

      Yes, most of them are round.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i guess history will now be marketed like cable news.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Oral Roberts is putting law degrees in boxes of Cracker Jack (and ah do mean CRACKER)?

    Zombie Dee Brown's wounded knee is acting up, too, also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't think these people understand the meaning of the term "changing history."

  • TeaNuts

    Is that the tune from Deliverance I hear? U all shur have purty mouths.

    • tessiee

      : ^ (|)

  • YouBetcha

    This is the "comic relief" part of the Al Qaeda recruiting video. Not all Americans are assholes, y'all. Some of them's just stupid.

  • prommie

    Years ago, it was in the days of the hot tattooed redhead and much talk of assfucking, someone here said: "The stupid was so thick you could saw it into blocks and pick them up with tongs." I have never forgotten this amazing metaphor. It applies here, to everyone involved, the TeaTards, Tennessee, this Oral Roberts U. law graduate (I have to assume, that or Liberty), everyone.

    • fuflans

      true dat. but i feel compelled to add barb's pretty unforgettable comment about perry and a hinge.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Thomas Jefferson invented NASCAR, by God!

    • SayItWithWookies

      It used to be "go fast, turn right" — until that socialist FDR ruined it.

    • Swampgas_Man

      John Adams invented the left turn!

  • north_of_moscow

    "No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership."

    I got nothing….

    • prommie

      "The history which actually occurred." Its breathtaking, isn't it?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Yeah if them minorities wuz so smart, they would have reached positions of leadership. Huh?

        • Fare la Volpe

          The Free Market would have given them freedumb.

  • PsycWench

    “The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that,given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody —if we are going to claim to be inspired by them, we must first make everyone believe they were perfect.

    • Generation[redacted]

      The Founding Fathers were born on the sacred mountain. They played golf once and scored 11 holes in one, breaking all professional records. When they died, a great earthquake and fire from the sky marked their passing.

      • ThundercatHo

        They didn't really die (since they were immortals-probably angels) and are alive today in Galt's Gulch.

  • MissTaken

    Once when I was a little girl and watching the news with my dad the weatherlady said that due to a heavy snowstorm chains were required to go up the mountains. My dad then asked me "LilTaken, what do they use the chains for?". I replied, "When the snow is really thick everyone gets out of their cars, ties the chains around their waists, and are then pulled up the mountain". I also asked him what the world was like before color.

    Apparently 6 year old MissTaken could've written Tennessee history books.

    • Limeylizzie

      MissTaken was awesome then, awesome now.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Agreed. Priceless!

    • Geminisunmars

      When Geminisunmars was that age her teacher tried to explain the concept of perspective, and how things appear to get smaller as they move away from you. Teacher used the example of an airplane flying away. Geminisunmars raised her chubby fist and asked "But do the people inside the plane realize they are getting smaller?"

      Geminisunmars has a strange affinity for Tennessee.

      • proudgrampa

        When proudgrampa was a wee lad, going to Bible School, of all things, he answered the question "Who was Abraham?" with the reply: "He was the President of the United States!!"

        Have I mentioned that I am a recovering Southern Baptist?

        • PsycWench

          When PsycWench was a little girl, she thought that when you went into an elevator at the department store, the employees ran out and rearranged everything according to what they thought you wanted to buy. Because when my grandma took me to the store, we got out of the elevator and there were the toys!

          I think that's called "egocentrism".

          • Lascauxcaveman

            When I was a little boy, I was really scared of our neighbor's noisy, snarling dog. And pretty much everything else.

          • Swampgas_Man

            In first grade, I was CONVINCED that "Left" and "Right" were absolute concepts, like north and south; when you turned around, your "left" hand became your "right" hand, and vice versa. Still think I mighta had something there. . .

        • Loaded_Pants

          I think I've seen you at the meetings.

    • prommie

      Of course, the "black and white" photos taken back before the world changed to color are actually color photos of the black and white world.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Don't forget there was a period of a few decades when everything in the world was a grainy color.

        • Fare la Volpe

          And let's not even get into the Sepia Ages.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            After the tornado, it's all in color anyway.

          • jqheywood

            That's the answer….When Dorothy told Toto that they weren't in Kansas anymore…they were in Tennessee!

    • finallyhappy

      Before color or before "coloreds"?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "When the snow is really thick everyone gets out of their cars, ties the chains around their waists, and are then pulled up the mountain".

      You would have failed Tennessee history. The chains were for the slaves to tow the car up the hill in the snow. But shhhhhhhhhhhh! No slaves!

      • Generation[redacted]

        It will be on the math quiz:

        If it takes ten slaves to pull each car up a mountain, how many slaves will they need to buy at the market?

  • WiscDad

    Haven't you HEARD…Slavery is just like the Jewish Holocaust…it NEVER happened

    • SayItWithWookies

      And yet the people most loudly shouting that it never happened are always the same people who think it would've been a good idea.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, to this day, they deny that the War Of Northern Aggression was all about slavery.

      • BarryOPotter

        I was taught (while matriculated at dear old Wonkette U.) to call it by its verisimilitude-filled moniker: the War of Southern Regression.

  • edgydrifter

    Literacy isn't terribly important if your answer to every question is "whatever the fuck I say it is."

    • Swampgas_Man

      Or "Gawd did it!"

  • paris biltong

    The founders never suffered from syphilis or other STD either because they only had sex with their virginal wives. That and other factors show how far downhill Tennesseans have gone since.

    • Barrelhse

      No more virgins for wives, for one thing.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In fairness, the lead yokel is from Fayette County, which is where disaffected bigots flee to escape the "creeping urbanism" of Memphis, and where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment.

    • Limeylizzie

      Are you in Tennessee elviouslyqueer? If so do you need a group hug?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, yes and no. My partner and I used to live in Memphis, which really isn't Tennessee (in fact, the rest of the state would happily cut us off and float us down the Mississippi River, if nothing else but because we're a predominately Blah city). Now we live just south of the state line, since Mississippi desperately needs more homos.

        And I'll take your group hug and raise you a Valium-and-vodka shooter. *mwah*

        • RavenRant

          That's a recipe for a Monday morning 'Breakfast of Champions'. Needs to go in the Wonkette cookbook.

        • ThundercatHo

          Will it work with Xanax instead of Valium? *lightbulb goes on over head* Perhaps a Xanax and blood orange martini?

          • elviouslyqueer

            Ooooh, blood orange. That makes it health food!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Also, it's not "Fa-YETTE" county, because that's the queer ass Frenchy pronuncification. It's "FAY-it," gee-dammit.

    • tessiee

      "where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment. "

      One can hardly blame them.
      You'd die of embarrassment, too, if some Republican putz was sneaking into your barn and having sex with you.

    • BarryOPotter

      …where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment

      Ungrateful livestock! Those are gifts from Gawd!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In fairness, Indians were the Muslims of the Eighteenth and Nineteenth centuries.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I have always said that we'd have a different perspective on Israel and Palestine if the native Americans had been armed equally to us.

      Bibi would start talking his "rogue state" nonsense and Barry would cold bitchslap him from 8,000 miles away, just for sounding stupid.

  • SayItWithWookies

    We must always realize that the founding fathers were perfect in every way, even if that perfection took some time to filter down through the lower levels of humanity, exactly the same way that Platonic ideals filter down through the lower levels of reality. In this sense, the Tennessee teabaggers are apparently Platonists, an accusation which should keep them baffled for the rest of recorded history.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I thought they were already baffled by running water.

      • ThundercatHo

        Yes, many do appear to be hygiene-impaired.

      • anniegetyerfun

        The bath flows in, the bath flows out, you can't explain it.

    • Biff

      Fondling Fathers, please!

    • chicken_thief

      I suspect that 90% would confuse Plato for Pluto and immediately start arguing that they were more Popeyeish – 'cept that spinach out of a can shit. No one can eat that crap.

  • Baconzgood

    Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin will hereto for be scrubed of slavery and now be called Snoopy's Christmas with Garfield and Odie.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Other fun historical facts as suggested by Tea Partiers!
    George Washington was virgin until he was married!
    Thomas Jefferson memorized the bible and burned Qurans to heat his house!
    Paul Revere was home schooled and was a millionaire by the time he 12 years old!
    Sam Adams had a friend who was black but he didn’t live in the same neighborhood!
    Ben Franklin invented the SUV.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ben Franklin also invented rap music. True fact.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Sam Adams had a friend who was black but he didn’t live in the same neighborhood! "

      And to be nice, Sam would sell him his famous beer in 40-ounce bottles!

    • chicken_thief

      The first recorded instance of "let's GITTERDUN!!!" was George Washington to one of his friends right before chopping down the cherry tree.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      George Washington had, like, thirty-two dicks.

      • doloras

        Six foot twenty, fuckin' killin' for fun.

  • fartknocker

    I wonder if this guy is related to the wing nuts in Aribama and their legislation prohibiting school children from learning about Mexico and its relation with America.

    In other news from the Tea Party, this same group of Tennessee knuckleheads have drafted legislation so that all school books will refer to Adolph Hitler as not being a nice man and isn't liked by people who have a wierd holiday that starts with a "H" and we can't pronounce. Hana-somethin somethin.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Chana…klana…Chootzpa

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    This is normal Tennessee policy. We were taught as children that the South won at Shiloh. For those curious, they did win… on the first day. Later in life, you find out that the Union came back and routed 'em the day following.

    And then the Confederates left Shiloh, apparently in a hurry to Corinth, pulling bullets out of their asses as they ran.

    But, hey. Facts.

    • GOPCrusher

      If I remember correctly, Vicksburg did not celebrate the Fourth of July until sometime in the 1960's.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Why, the nation was formed wholly within the skull of Zeus and sprung forth, fully formed!

    Zeus! You know, Zeus! Cletus' uncle! Zeus!!!

  • kissawookiee

    "they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly"

    They brought liberty to where it hadn't existed, except to where it still didn't exist, to everybody, except to who they didn't. Jeez, so will you quit complaining already?

    • SayItWithWookies

      "Y'all are already free — just not yet."

    • HarryButtle

      The Native American lifestyle is the epitome of freedom…so, of course, we had to kill most of them and pen the rest up on reservations in order to bring liberty (and commerce) to the new world.

    • Barrelhse

      They did, however, dramatically improve on their speed of spreading equality with the invention of the Gatling gun.

  • SaintRond

    Wonkette Operative, "Matthew B." is actually SaintRond. I was too disgusted to remember to sign my Wonkette moniker.

    Thanks, Wonkette. I do what I can.

    • RavenRant

      Thank you, Your Saintedness.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Are you in Memphis, Saint? Because Mid-South gotta represent!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Regarding their desire to go from State-supreme-court-appointed A.G. to a popularly elected one:

    The group’s printed material says the attorney general has reflected “views of the U.S. Constitution that conflict with those of the people of Tennessee.”

    Yes, yes, myopic mendicants. To thine own state hate be true.

  • Baconzgood

    Who needs learnin' in history. Nothing any white american ever did in the past was bad. Except Woodrow Wilson…& Clinton…& Carter….And both Roosevelts.

  • Limeylizzie

    And the British Royal Family are beautiful and their chins are firm and verily their blazingly white teeth sparkle.

    • prommie

      And Princess Diana was a saint worthy of love and adulation, and not at all the British version of Paris Hilton.

      • Limeylizzie

        And Prince William is not a balding, ineffectual, moderately bright person , no, he is gorgeous and virile and his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and not a reasonably pretty social climber.

        • prommie

          And Harry is Charles' son.

          • Limeylizzie

            And the beloved Queen Mother wasn't an alcoholic fag-hag.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            But enough of this Royalist propaganda.

  • nounverb911

    Leave it to Tennessee to out South Carolina South Carolina.

  • BlueStateLibel

    So now we're calling genocide – because that's what the U.S. government did to the American Indian – "intruding." Also, that dude needs to re-take eighth-grade English.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    I guess Washington's affair with Benedict Arnold is now totally out of the curriculum.

  • ph7

    It's not intruding if the Indians willingly traded for those nice blankets. Caveat emptor, smallpox ravaged savages!

  • qwerty42

    I think the Tennessee teabaggers need to amend their request to state:
    And in the unlikely event the hallowed Founding Fathers took a dump, be it resolved that said dump smelled like rosebuds.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I would think that these crackers would LOVE to talk about slavery since they pretty much want to return to it. Or at least the whipping coloreds part of it.

    • GOPCrusher

      In some parts of the South, I imagine that they never stopped.

  • Chichikovovich

    It is true, though, that many of the founding Fathers were admirable men. Like Gouverneur Morris, for example, who said:

    "The admission of slaves into the representation when fairly explained comes to this: that the inhabitant of Georgia and South Carolina who goes to the coast of Africa and, in defiance of the most sacred laws of humanity, tears away his fellow creatures from their dearest connections and damns them to the most cruel bondages, shall have more votes in a government instituted for the protection of the rights of mankind than the citizen of Pennsylvania or New Jersey who views with laudable horror so nefarious a practice."

    And over in England, let's not forget Samuel Johnson, whose remark suggests Mr. Tea Partier is a bit off when he suggests that the US was way ahead of the curve here:

    "Why is it that we hear the loudest yelps about Liberty from the drivers of Negroes?"

    • prommie

      Shut up! SHUT UP! Get out of here with your "history." I am talking about "the history that actually happened."

    • Fare la Volpe

      And you're forgetting the great Samuel Jackson, who warned our brave patriots of the imminent threat of mothafuckin' snakes on mothafuckin' planes.

      • jqheywood

        Not to mention his recent warning about "money grubbin' SuperPACs"

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          "I'm buyin' somethin' for my money. Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo? Your loyalty. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass."

  • Eve8Apples

    Sarah Palin and Rick Perry will author the Tennessee history books with a forward by Oily Taintz.

    In Modern History 101, the Tennessee youngins will learn about the dark day in2008 when 'Merika's election was stolen by a Kenyan Communist Socialist Moozlin.

  • meatlofer

    Beaded Indians,or Featherd Indians?

    • chicken_thief

      I don't know the difference there. But I do know that the "dot on the head" Indians are all Mooslins and are taking over the world one chain motel at a time.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Can anyone tell me how many people were lynched in the South between Reconstruction and the 1970s when institutionalized murder finally tapered off? No? No idea? No record of it? Then fuck you, Southern Nazi white power pricks.

    • chicken_thief

      NOT A DAMN ONE OF 'EM THAT KNEW THEIR PLACE!!!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Bibles should be allowed in all TN classrooms, provided they aren't the Jefferson Bible.

  • hagajim

    Fucking dumbfucks are dumb. The end.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Apparently we Tennesseeans took Are You Smarter than a Fifth-Grader? as a challenge.

  • ttommyunger

    Oh yeah, that's Banjos in the background. Other than that, I'm pretty much struck dumb in the face of the cavernous width and depth of this enormous outpouring of ignorance.

  • orygoon

    And if I home schooled, my children would not learn about Tennessee, so that is fair enough, right?

    • finallyhappy

      I'd leave out much of the South myself

  • owhatever

    Tennessee,
    I weep for thee.

  • prommie

    Is the Museum of Creationism in Tennessee? They could build a History That Actually Happened Museum next door! It would be the greatest concentration of bullshit on earth! Fucktards and pigfuckers from all over the US would flock to these monuments to stupidity!

  • Fare la Volpe
  • RavenRant

    Of course. That's why everything in your local retail outlet that isn't made in the Peoples Republic of China in made in the Peoples Republic of Vietnam. WIN!

    • real_dc_native

      As George Carlin noted we fought the Vietnam war to make the country safe for Free Enterprise

      • RavenRant

        "Free Enterprise" being defined as "wage slaves in labor camps".

        • real_dc_native

          If you define Free Enterprise as laissez-faire Capitalism, Marx makes a pretty good argument that "wage slaves in labor camps" is one of the capitalists goals.

          • RavenRant

            I don't think we need to rely on Marx's argument. The evidence is overwhelming:

            Fear Factory

          • Swampgas_Man

            Thank Republican Jeebus that we're reaching this goal right here in America!

          • RavenRant

            New Republican slogan: "The Plantation – It's not just for blacks anymore!"

      • Loaded_Pants

        The US started a war over a starship?

  • RavenRant

    I am distraught that I missed this weekend's epic Million Comment March/Group Therapy Session/Virtual Orgy.

    *sigh*

  • rickmaci

    Some folks down there need to ease up a bit on the moonshine!!!

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Come on, everybody knows, (in Tennessee, anyway) that the Indians were just asking for it, the Slaves WANTED to work here for nothing, and Jebus rode on a beautiful dinosaur named Ghost, (hence, Holy Ghost).

  • sewollef

    "… the founders intruding on the Indians…"

    Just so we're clear on what King teabag meant:

    'intruding' = genocide and/or annihilation, and/or ethnic cleansing, and/or killing every little 'indian' they could get their hands on, and/or reneging on every single agreement the US govt entered into with 'indian' nations.

    Just so we're clear.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Someone should intrude upside his head.

  • MRjonz

    Oh, I saw this one! Captain Kirk and the away team beam down, and Kirk explains to the primitive “Yangs” what the words they’ve been mindlessly repeating by rote for centuries, as it turns out, the Preamble to the American Constitution, actually mean.

    But in this version, the Yangs then proceed to bludgeon him to death for heresy.

    • Generation[redacted]

      They were merely intruding upon his skull.

  • rickmaci

    Think about where these folks are at; the Bible must be accepted as the literal truth but history is whatever a majority of the Republicans in the state legislature thinks it should be. SMH. We have reached the bottom of the dumbass pit.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Attila the Intruder.

  • ndisang67

    It took a man not to own a slave….in dem slave days…

  • thefrontpage

    Schools in Tennessee should also be teaching students about the alarmingly high and abnormally high instances of severe mental illness, delusional behavior, psycho behavior and generally psychologically unstable behaviorial patterns in the states of Tennessee, Mississippi, South Carolina, Arizona, Alabama and Texas.

  • monty4prez

    Complete morons, they are.

  • ttommyunger

    It is dangerous to judge a man by his appearance, however in this case, he is just as ignorant, dirty and twisted as he looks.

  • DahBoner

    You might be a redneck if you wear a YUP, I'm a Racist t-shirt…

  • Catabite

    "Yup, I'm a racist."

    Oh please oh please oh please wear that shirt in downtown Baltimore. They have a nice convention center, you can have your little wingnut circle jerk there. You'll be just fine if you wander off downtown- Baltimore's "charm city", after all!

  • tessiee

    Why are they getting their flour sack panties in a bunch about what's *in* the books? It's not like anybody's going to do anything but chew on the covers.

  • tessiee

    "demanding schools quit teaching children that the Founding Fathers owned slaves or killed Indians or made any mistakes whatsoever at any time"

    I guess the idea that our Founding Fathers had their fair share of flaws, but their actions were in the context of their era and culture, so it's not really fair to judge them by today's standards, is way too complex for Cletus and Brandine.

  • tessiee

    So, what, we've always been friends with Nativeamerica?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    they weren't a whole bunch of rich white guys, wanting their own way? whoa here…

  • HelmutNewton

    What we really need is a rapture for dumb-shit rednecks.