DEPT. OF EDUMACATION REFORM  1:43 pm January 23, 2012

Tennessee Tea Party Don’t Want No Talk o’ Slavery In Them Schoolbooks

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Moron pride.

Tennessee teabaggers are growing tired of being corrected by their fifth-grade relatives every darn time they get a notion to holler some about how Thomas Jefferson was human history’s inventor of freedom — maybe it’s time to LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, HMMM KIDS? The state’s tea party leadership made an indignant request to the state legislature demanding schools quit teaching children that the Founding Fathers owned slaves or killed Indians or made any mistakes whatsoever at any time, which they expressed with a statement notable firstly for its losing battle with grammar and syntax: “We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.” It has sort of a drunk Yoda ring to it, no? “Compel to teach the truth the students we will!” And then it’s pretty much downhill from there.

From the Commercial Appeal:

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that, given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly — and it was their progress that we need to look at,” said Rounds, whose website identifies him as a Vietnam War veteran of the Air Force and FedEx retiree who became a lawyer in 1995.

This same human who thinks the Native American genocide was “made up” would probably also argue to you that Jesus’s existence was a historical fact. Aren’t people neat? [Commercial Appeal thanks to Wonkette operative "Matthew B."]

 
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{ 245 comments }

Barrelhse January 23, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Come on, Jesus. Take these idiots home.

RedneckMuslin January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Hang on! Hang on! He's coralling them all in Tennessee as we speak. It's not like he has super powers or anything.

LetUsBray January 23, 2012 at 11:13 pm

What makes you think Jesus wants these fuckwads around?

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 1:47 pm

As long as they annotate the goddamn bible too, let 'em.

memzilla January 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Can someone please tell me, what the hell is it with people below the Mason-Teatard Line? Is it something in the air? The water? Radon gas, maybe? Seriously.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

We're okay on literacy, problematic on comprehension, and fucked on utilization.

Also, Jesus. He washes our sins away.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:16 pm

And makes the whites whiter!

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm

HBIS

Hookworm Brain Infestation Syndrome

starfanglednut January 23, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I, for one, welcome our squirmy, squiggly overlords.

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 5:25 pm

On the bright side, as a nation, we are completely safe from zombies. Not enough brains to lure them.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Out—out are the lights—out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, “Man,”
And its hero, the Conqueror Worm.

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Can someone please tell me, what the hell is it with people below the Mason-Teatard Line? Is it something in the air? The water? Radon gas, maybe? Seriously."

Religion.

Seriously.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:14 pm

It's the result of Mountain Dew overdoses.

ChernobylSoup January 23, 2012 at 1:47 pm

3/5 of all Tennesseans approve.

Antispandex January 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Wow, I'd like to be with you on this issue, but I think 3/5 is just way too low. I've been to Tennessee.

Puffperney January 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Hmmm.. Truth = What I want to believe.

What a concept!

MaxNeanderthal January 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"brought liberty into a world where it hadn't existed"- balls. Ignores the fact the Brits had been hewing their way through various kings/protectors they didn't like, or who'd got over ambitious ideas about their "divine rights" for the preceeding 150 years. By the time the founding fathers had their revolution (Entirely justified, George III was as mad as a trout), the English had already had 2 revolutions, one civil war, kicked out the bible bashers, kicked out the pope, seen off an invasion or two, and chopped off a king's head for an encore. Don't talk about "revolt", you pathetic GOP trolls, you obviously don't have the balls, and never will have….

memzilla January 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Also, the Founding Fathers rode dinosaurs to their Tea Party meetings.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

While Jebus wrote the Constitution.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm

While ringin' them bells to warn the British that the British were coming.

Negropolis January 24, 2012 at 3:07 am

Silly, they are called "Jesus Horses".

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

"….the founders intruding on the Indians… "

Yeah, could you call back, we were just sitting down to dinner.

Kaia Mursi January 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Terribly sorry to intrude on you! But no.

memzilla January 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Geez, Tennessee… memory hole much?

barto January 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

OK now I'm really starting to lose my respect for lawyers… or maybe in Tennessee 1995 was a "by-year" for the bar exam?

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I know. I'm starting to lose my respect for Tennesseans, Tea Partiers, and racists, too. I still have some respect for FedEx. They make the trains run on time, you know.

finallyhappy January 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I like how the lawyer on Grimm this week was a snake. I have no respect for many lawyers- I know too damn many here in the Dc area

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Begun it has, … the Tard Wars

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"These are not the tards you're looking for".

KathrynSane January 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You have to admit this is a relatively smart move for teabaggers. You can't learn from history if you never learn it at all.

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Can't repeat it either, so they'll never be called stupid.

Not_So_Much January 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Truthspeak! About time we had more pitcher books of Adam and Eve riding their dinosaurs to the drive-in movies.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Wilmaaaaa!

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I thought the Flintstones was historical gospel.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I've always heard that history is written by the winners. These cannot possibly be the winners, right?

Puffperney January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Sometimes history is rewritten by those who happen to be the only ones left…

…with apologies to Barbara Tuchman.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

So everyone who hasn't already left the state in disgust.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

This is the very reason why — when I hear someone say "I worked hard to get this cushy job I have here, and all the fucking perks too!" — it becomes clear that their hard work was to enjoy a ready-made position in an industry filled with ready-made positions.

The problem is, because of their "successes" (and sometimes our capital), they really do think they're on top. The rest of us need to use our actual creativity, on a zero dollar budget, and find out how to up-end these assholes "winners".

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"Winning" is relative in Tennessee…

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Winner Winner, brontosaurus dinner!

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Apparently not, since the rest of the world seems to be onto their wishful thinking. Hurray!

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Yeah – but these guys want history to be written by the idiots.

OKthennext January 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

That's 'whiners', which is what history in Tennessee is written by.

TheGyrus January 23, 2012 at 6:53 pm

The Union Army says no, these are not the winners.

HistoriCat January 23, 2012 at 10:26 pm

We could use a man like General Sherman.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

If we can just change history to be whatever we want, can we get the Lord of the Rings taught in history class?

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Only if Left Behind gets taught in science class.

finallyhappy January 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

sex ed- Rick Santorum?

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:32 pm

US History- Newt Gingrich?

bikerlaureate January 23, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Psychology – Miche1e ?

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

And Battlestar Galactica in science fiction class

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Once Newt is elected Historian-in-Chief, these will naturally be introduced into the curriculum.

starfanglednut January 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Yes, my precious.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Depends. Based on the 2010 Census, can you gerrymander Geek districts?

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"intruding on the Indians"

Oh sorry, was this your continent? Pardon us while we just systematically slaughter, rape, pillage, etc. your entire race.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Ooopsy.

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Well, to be fair, they were doing that kind of thing to each other long before Europeans showed up. However, the Europeans did bring ruthless efficiency, gunpowder and virulent diseases to the party.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm

And they brought such stylish blankets too!

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Not to mention $24 worth of trinkets with which to purchase Manhattan.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Back that statement up. With specifics.
EDIT: What I am challenging is the idea that "systematic slaughter, rape and pillage" of the type practiced by Europeans occurred among North American Indians prior to Columbus. Of course Native Americans had wars and conflicts.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Hey! We gave them crappy land to live on…and casinos.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Indians should pass tribal legislation that says they can permit a person to put a lien on real property for gambling purposes. They could win some of their land back that way.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:35 pm

"We've found you some lovely lots out west. Beautiful views. Y'know it's all about location, right?"

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Dear Miss Manners:

How do I politely tell my house guests that they are intruding upon me and my family? We are starting to feel a bit put out with all the small pox, gatlin guns, cannons, and whatnot.

Awaiting Your Reply,

Intruded Upon.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Gentle Reader,
If history is to be our guide then I would suggest immediately killing any person from a foreign land who may arrive at your doorstep.
Fondles, MM

anniegetyerfun January 23, 2012 at 3:46 pm

A sincere apologetic note will often help to smooth things over.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"To anyone who may have been offended…."

jodyleek January 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"And here two four, let it be resolved that the HOLY FOUNDING FATHER'S would beat their slaves, wives, and children with there onion belts (which was the style at the time) but only becuase they were asking for it. Also."

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm

And the belt was no thicker than their thumb!

Nothingisamiss January 23, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Give me three bees, I'd say, three bees for a dollar.

Mumbletypeg January 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

As a former Tennessee resident, I hereby volunteer to drown the sentiments of my former wingtard neighbor-residents in a bathtub full of their own conflabber-babble.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

…or sour mash. That shit is stinky.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

"As a former Tennessee resident, I hereby volunteer"

I see what you done thar.

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

There are stories about Nazis intruding on Jews – those are probably false too.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Well, at least they KNOCKED.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

As well as those tall tales of them intruding on Austria, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Holland, Belgium, Yugoslavia, Greece, Russia, etc etc etc. Vicious rumours, all!

An_Outhouse January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

They gave them stylish pins to wear.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The Nazi's gave the Joos three hots and a cot, jerbs, and common recreational area – they had a gas!!!

James Michael Curley January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Still not as bad as the Alabama legislator, who when tired of hearing Alabama insulted, introduced legislation to change the state's name to Mississippi.

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

C'mon, rednecks. This is your *HERITAGE* you're talking about. You're supposed to be gosh durn proud of the all the slave ownin' and injun killin' and suchlike.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Free Bird!12

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Why do these people hate Daniel Boone?

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

"This is your *HERITAGE* you're talking about. You're supposed to be gosh durn proud of the all the slave ownin' and injun killin' and suchlike."

Oh, they are, never fear. They've just got a giant bug up their collective ass that those things are frowned upon by a lot of people nowadays — so if they can't have genocide and slavery portrayed positively in the history books, they're not gonna have them AT ALL! SO THERE!!

ManchuCandidate January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Other helpful suggestions for Tennessee Historical Revisionist Dipshits:
1) Wounded Knee happened because those ungrateful Indians took white man's land
2) Vietnam was a tie.
3) Blacks were really ungrateful people white men hired to work. They unionized and thus sparked the Civil War which was really about Labor Laws intruding on State's Rights
4) Capitalists did not exploit workers. It's all commie union fascist propaganda
5) The Scope's Monkey trial was not a travesty of "law" intruding on skienze. Ape must not teach ape
6) The idea that giving electricity to backwoods inbreds was a good idea.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

3b) Lincoln was a Democrat

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

North: 1
South: 0
Halftime.

Barrelhse January 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

…) Close relatives are not for sexual gratification.

MildMidwesterner January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"the founders intruding on the Indians"

I believe Jefferson spent most of his time intruding on Sally Hemmings, not Indians.

Wonderthing January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

In the Big Rock Candy Mountain, however, you never change your socks. The creeks are filled with alcohol and bagels schmeared with lox. Or something. It's paradise, anyway.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Beat Farmers!

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm

True story: that song is actually about a hobo trying to kidnap a nubile young boy with promises of candy and beer. Traveling hobos called "jockers" used to steal children so they would have free pack mules, beggars, and fuck holes to bring with them on their journeys. Yep, it's a cautionary song about child rape.

History is fun!

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Jesus. First the entire Mama's and the Papa's repertoire, now this. Why can't people like you just keep your mouths shut?

And no! I don't want to hear any depraved shit about the Beatles, thank you!

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Paul is still dead.

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm

"Puff the Magic Dragon" is about marijuana.

Wonderthing January 23, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Last Train to Clarksville is an anti-war song. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

doloras January 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I do like the last verse:

"The punk rolled up his big blue eyes
And said to the jocker, "Sandy,
I've hiked and hiked and wandered too,
But I ain't seen any candy.
I've hiked and hiked till my feet are sore
And I'll be damned if I hike any more
To be buggered sore like a hobo's whore
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains."

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm

O_O

That song is one of the first songs I remember ever hearing, way back when I was a tiny Tessie. I stayed with my Grandma during the day when my parents were at work, and that was one of the songs she used to sing. I remember the part about the cigarette trees and soft-boiled eggs, but not the part about the whores.

Blueb4sunrise January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"You're welcome," said Arizona .

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

"not all equally instantly good too also"

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Like such as the Iraq and South Africa, everywhere like such as.

privatejoker77 January 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Just can't get dumber fast enough in Amerika.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Oh for fucks sake. Are these assholes still around?

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Yes, most of them are round.

Gratuitous World January 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

i guess history will now be marketed like cable news.

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Oral Roberts is putting law degrees in boxes of Cracker Jack (and ah do mean CRACKER)?

Zombie Dee Brown's wounded knee is acting up, too, also.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I don't think these people understand the meaning of the term "changing history."

TeaNuts January 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Is that the tune from Deliverance I hear? U all shur have purty mouths.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:47 pm

: ^ (|)

YouBetcha January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

This is the "comic relief" part of the Al Qaeda recruiting video. Not all Americans are assholes, y'all. Some of them's just stupid.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Years ago, it was in the days of the hot tattooed redhead and much talk of assfucking, someone here said: "The stupid was so thick you could saw it into blocks and pick them up with tongs." I have never forgotten this amazing metaphor. It applies here, to everyone involved, the TeaTards, Tennessee, this Oral Roberts U. law graduate (I have to assume, that or Liberty), everyone.

fuflans January 24, 2012 at 12:33 am

true dat. but i feel compelled to add barb's pretty unforgettable comment about perry and a hinge.

CrunchyKnee January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Thomas Jefferson invented NASCAR, by God!

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It used to be "go fast, turn right" — until that socialist FDR ruined it.

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:30 pm

John Adams invented the left turn!

north_of_moscow January 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership."

I got nothing….

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"The history which actually occurred." Its breathtaking, isn't it?

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Yeah if them minorities wuz so smart, they would have reached positions of leadership. Huh?

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

The Free Market would have given them freedumb.

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that,given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody —if we are going to claim to be inspired by them, we must first make everyone believe they were perfect.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm

The Founding Fathers were born on the sacred mountain. They played golf once and scored 11 holes in one, breaking all professional records. When they died, a great earthquake and fire from the sky marked their passing.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

They didn't really die (since they were immortals-probably angels) and are alive today in Galt's Gulch.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Once when I was a little girl and watching the news with my dad the weatherlady said that due to a heavy snowstorm chains were required to go up the mountains. My dad then asked me "LilTaken, what do they use the chains for?". I replied, "When the snow is really thick everyone gets out of their cars, ties the chains around their waists, and are then pulled up the mountain". I also asked him what the world was like before color.

Apparently 6 year old MissTaken could've written Tennessee history books.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm

MissTaken was awesome then, awesome now.

Mumbletypeg January 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Agreed. Priceless!

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

When Geminisunmars was that age her teacher tried to explain the concept of perspective, and how things appear to get smaller as they move away from you. Teacher used the example of an airplane flying away. Geminisunmars raised her chubby fist and asked "But do the people inside the plane realize they are getting smaller?"

Geminisunmars has a strange affinity for Tennessee.

proudgrampa January 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

When proudgrampa was a wee lad, going to Bible School, of all things, he answered the question "Who was Abraham?" with the reply: "He was the President of the United States!!"

Have I mentioned that I am a recovering Southern Baptist?

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

When PsycWench was a little girl, she thought that when you went into an elevator at the department store, the employees ran out and rearranged everything according to what they thought you wanted to buy. Because when my grandma took me to the store, we got out of the elevator and there were the toys!

I think that's called "egocentrism".

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 4:17 pm

When I was a little boy, I was really scared of our neighbor's noisy, snarling dog. And pretty much everything else.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I think I've seen you at the meetings.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Of course, the "black and white" photos taken back before the world changed to color are actually color photos of the black and white world.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Don't forget there was a period of a few decades when everything in the world was a grainy color.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:37 pm

And let's not even get into the Sepia Ages.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

After the tornado, it's all in color anyway.

finallyhappy January 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Before color or before "coloreds"?

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"When the snow is really thick everyone gets out of their cars, ties the chains around their waists, and are then pulled up the mountain".

You would have failed Tennessee history. The chains were for the slaves to tow the car up the hill in the snow. But shhhhhhhhhhhh! No slaves!

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 6:29 pm

It will be on the math quiz:

If it takes ten slaves to pull each car up a mountain, how many slaves will they need to buy at the market?

WiscDad January 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Haven't you HEARD…Slavery is just like the Jewish Holocaust…it NEVER happened

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

And yet the people most loudly shouting that it never happened are always the same people who think it would've been a good idea.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Well, to this day, they deny that the War Of Northern Aggression was all about slavery.

BarryOPotter January 24, 2012 at 9:48 am

I was taught (while matriculated at dear old Wonkette U.) to call it by its verisimilitude-filled moniker: the War of Southern Regression.

edgydrifter January 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Literacy isn't terribly important if your answer to every question is "whatever the fuck I say it is."

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Or "Gawd did it!"

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The founders never suffered from syphilis or other STD either because they only had sex with their virginal wives. That and other factors show how far downhill Tennesseans have gone since.

Barrelhse January 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

No more virgins for wives, for one thing.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

In fairness, the lead yokel is from Fayette County, which is where disaffected bigots flee to escape the "creeping urbanism" of Memphis, and where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Are you in Tennessee elviouslyqueer? If so do you need a group hug?

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Well, yes and no. My partner and I used to live in Memphis, which really isn't Tennessee (in fact, the rest of the state would happily cut us off and float us down the Mississippi River, if nothing else but because we're a predominately Blah city). Now we live just south of the state line, since Mississippi desperately needs more homos.

And I'll take your group hug and raise you a Valium-and-vodka shooter. *mwah*

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

That's a recipe for a Monday morning 'Breakfast of Champions'. Needs to go in the Wonkette cookbook.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Will it work with Xanax instead of Valium? *lightbulb goes on over head* Perhaps a Xanax and blood orange martini?

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Ooooh, blood orange. That makes it health food!

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Also, it's not "Fa-YETTE" county, because that's the queer ass Frenchy pronuncification. It's "FAY-it," gee-dammit.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

"where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment. "

One can hardly blame them.
You'd die of embarrassment, too, if some Republican putz was sneaking into your barn and having sex with you.

BarryOPotter January 24, 2012 at 9:49 am

…where various and sundry livestock regularly die from sheer embarrassment

Ungrateful livestock! Those are gifts from Gawd!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

In fairness, Indians were the Muslims of the Eighteenth and Nineteenth centuries.

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I have always said that we'd have a different perspective on Israel and Palestine if the native Americans had been armed equally to us.

Bibi would start talking his "rogue state" nonsense and Barry would cold bitchslap him from 8,000 miles away, just for sounding stupid.

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

We must always realize that the founding fathers were perfect in every way, even if that perfection took some time to filter down through the lower levels of humanity, exactly the same way that Platonic ideals filter down through the lower levels of reality. In this sense, the Tennessee teabaggers are apparently Platonists, an accusation which should keep them baffled for the rest of recorded history.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I thought they were already baffled by running water.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Yes, many do appear to be hygiene-impaired.

anniegetyerfun January 23, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The bath flows in, the bath flows out, you can't explain it.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Fondling Fathers, please!

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I suspect that 90% would confuse Plato for Pluto and immediately start arguing that they were more Popeyeish – 'cept that spinach out of a can shit. No one can eat that crap.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin will hereto for be scrubed of slavery and now be called Snoopy's Christmas with Garfield and Odie.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Other fun historical facts as suggested by Tea Partiers!
George Washington was virgin until he was married!
Thomas Jefferson memorized the bible and burned Qurans to heat his house!
Paul Revere was home schooled and was a millionaire by the time he 12 years old!
Sam Adams had a friend who was black but he didn’t live in the same neighborhood!
Ben Franklin invented the SUV.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Ben Franklin also invented rap music. True fact.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"Sam Adams had a friend who was black but he didn’t live in the same neighborhood! "

And to be nice, Sam would sell him his famous beer in 40-ounce bottles!

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The first recorded instance of "let's GITTERDUN!!!" was George Washington to one of his friends right before chopping down the cherry tree.

ShaveTheWhales January 23, 2012 at 4:14 pm

George Washington had, like, thirty-two dicks.

doloras January 23, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Six foot twenty, fuckin' killin' for fun.

fartknocker January 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I wonder if this guy is related to the wing nuts in Aribama and their legislation prohibiting school children from learning about Mexico and its relation with America.

In other news from the Tea Party, this same group of Tennessee knuckleheads have drafted legislation so that all school books will refer to Adolph Hitler as not being a nice man and isn't liked by people who have a wierd holiday that starts with a "H" and we can't pronounce. Hana-somethin somethin.

ShaveTheWhales January 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Chana…klana…Chootzpa

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

This is normal Tennessee policy. We were taught as children that the South won at Shiloh. For those curious, they did win… on the first day. Later in life, you find out that the Union came back and routed 'em the day following.

And then the Confederates left Shiloh, apparently in a hurry to Corinth, pulling bullets out of their asses as they ran.

But, hey. Facts.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:42 pm

If I remember correctly, Vicksburg did not celebrate the Fourth of July until sometime in the 1960's.

actor212 January 23, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Why, the nation was formed wholly within the skull of Zeus and sprung forth, fully formed!

Zeus! You know, Zeus! Cletus' uncle! Zeus!!!

kissawookiee January 23, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly"

They brought liberty to where it hadn't existed, except to where it still didn't exist, to everybody, except to who they didn't. Jeez, so will you quit complaining already?

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"Y'all are already free — just not yet."

HarryButtle January 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The Native American lifestyle is the epitome of freedom…so, of course, we had to kill most of them and pen the rest up on reservations in order to bring liberty (and commerce) to the new world.

Barrelhse January 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm

They did, however, dramatically improve on their speed of spreading equality with the invention of the Gatling gun.

SaintRond January 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Wonkette Operative, "Matthew B." is actually SaintRond. I was too disgusted to remember to sign my Wonkette moniker.

Thanks, Wonkette. I do what I can.

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Thank you, Your Saintedness.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Are you in Memphis, Saint? Because Mid-South gotta represent!

Mumbletypeg January 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Regarding their desire to go from State-supreme-court-appointed A.G. to a popularly elected one:

The group’s printed material says the attorney general has reflected “views of the U.S. Constitution that conflict with those of the people of Tennessee.”

Yes, yes, myopic mendicants. To thine own state hate be true.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Who needs learnin' in history. Nothing any white american ever did in the past was bad. Except Woodrow Wilson…& Clinton…& Carter….And both Roosevelts.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 2:13 pm

And the British Royal Family are beautiful and their chins are firm and verily their blazingly white teeth sparkle.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

And Princess Diana was a saint worthy of love and adulation, and not at all the British version of Paris Hilton.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm

And Prince William is not a balding, ineffectual, moderately bright person , no, he is gorgeous and virile and his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and not a reasonably pretty social climber.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm

And Harry is Charles' son.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 3:29 pm

And the beloved Queen Mother wasn't an alcoholic fag-hag.

nounverb911 January 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Leave it to Tennessee to out South Carolina South Carolina.

BlueStateLibel January 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

So now we're calling genocide – because that's what the U.S. government did to the American Indian – "intruding." Also, that dude needs to re-take eighth-grade English.

PeaceWithHonor January 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I guess Washington's affair with Benedict Arnold is now totally out of the curriculum.

ph7 January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

It's not intruding if the Indians willingly traded for those nice blankets. Caveat emptor, smallpox ravaged savages!

qwerty42 January 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I think the Tennessee teabaggers need to amend their request to state:
And in the unlikely event the hallowed Founding Fathers took a dump, be it resolved that said dump smelled like rosebuds.

ingloriousbytch January 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I would think that these crackers would LOVE to talk about slavery since they pretty much want to return to it. Or at least the whipping coloreds part of it.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 3:44 pm

In some parts of the South, I imagine that they never stopped.

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm

It is true, though, that many of the founding Fathers were admirable men. Like Gouverneur Morris, for example, who said:

"The admission of slaves into the representation when fairly explained comes to this: that the inhabitant of Georgia and South Carolina who goes to the coast of Africa and, in defiance of the most sacred laws of humanity, tears away his fellow creatures from their dearest connections and damns them to the most cruel bondages, shall have more votes in a government instituted for the protection of the rights of mankind than the citizen of Pennsylvania or New Jersey who views with laudable horror so nefarious a practice."

And over in England, let's not forget Samuel Johnson, whose remark suggests Mr. Tea Partier is a bit off when he suggests that the US was way ahead of the curve here:

"Why is it that we hear the loudest yelps about Liberty from the drivers of Negroes?"

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Shut up! SHUT UP! Get out of here with your "history." I am talking about "the history that actually happened."

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

And you're forgetting the great Samuel Jackson, who warned our brave patriots of the imminent threat of mothafuckin' snakes on mothafuckin' planes.

jqheywood January 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Not to mention his recent warning about "money grubbin' SuperPACs"

KeepFnThatChicken January 23, 2012 at 3:49 pm

"I'm buyin' somethin' for my money. Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo? Your loyalty. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass."

Eve8Apples January 23, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Sarah Palin and Rick Perry will author the Tennessee history books with a forward by Oily Taintz.

In Modern History 101, the Tennessee youngins will learn about the dark day in2008 when 'Merika's election was stolen by a Kenyan Communist Socialist Moozlin.

meatlofer January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Beaded Indians,or Featherd Indians?

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I don't know the difference there. But I do know that the "dot on the head" Indians are all Mooslins and are taking over the world one chain motel at a time.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Can anyone tell me how many people were lynched in the South between Reconstruction and the 1970s when institutionalized murder finally tapered off? No? No idea? No record of it? Then fuck you, Southern Nazi white power pricks.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

NOT A DAMN ONE OF 'EM THAT KNEW THEIR PLACE!!!

SheriffRoscoe January 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Bibles should be allowed in all TN classrooms, provided they aren't the Jefferson Bible.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Fucking dumbfucks are dumb. The end.

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Apparently we Tennesseeans took Are You Smarter than a Fifth-Grader? as a challenge.

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Oh yeah, that's Banjos in the background. Other than that, I'm pretty much struck dumb in the face of the cavernous width and depth of this enormous outpouring of ignorance.

orygoon January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

And if I home schooled, my children would not learn about Tennessee, so that is fair enough, right?

finallyhappy January 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I'd leave out much of the South myself

owhatever January 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Tennessee,
I weep for thee.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Is the Museum of Creationism in Tennessee? They could build a History That Actually Happened Museum next door! It would be the greatest concentration of bullshit on earth! Fucktards and pigfuckers from all over the US would flock to these monuments to stupidity!

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm
RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Of course. That's why everything in your local retail outlet that isn't made in the Peoples Republic of China in made in the Peoples Republic of Vietnam. WIN!

real_dc_native January 23, 2012 at 3:41 pm

As George Carlin noted we fought the Vietnam war to make the country safe for Free Enterprise

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"Free Enterprise" being defined as "wage slaves in labor camps".

real_dc_native January 23, 2012 at 4:16 pm

If you define Free Enterprise as laissez-faire Capitalism, Marx makes a pretty good argument that "wage slaves in labor camps" is one of the capitalists goals.

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I don't think we need to rely on Marx's argument. The evidence is overwhelming:

Fear Factory

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:43 pm

The US started a war over a starship?

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I am distraught that I missed this weekend's epic Million Comment March/Group Therapy Session/Virtual Orgy.

*sigh*

rickmaci January 23, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Some folks down there need to ease up a bit on the moonshine!!!

outragedcitizen January 23, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Come on, everybody knows, (in Tennessee, anyway) that the Indians were just asking for it, the Slaves WANTED to work here for nothing, and Jebus rode on a beautiful dinosaur named Ghost, (hence, Holy Ghost).

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"… the founders intruding on the Indians…"

Just so we're clear on what King teabag meant:

'intruding' = genocide and/or annihilation, and/or ethnic cleansing, and/or killing every little 'indian' they could get their hands on, and/or reneging on every single agreement the US govt entered into with 'indian' nations.

Just so we're clear.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Someone should intrude upside his head.

MRjonz January 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh, I saw this one! Captain Kirk and the away team beam down, and Kirk explains to the primitive “Yangs” what the words they’ve been mindlessly repeating by rote for centuries, as it turns out, the Preamble to the American Constitution, actually mean.

But in this version, the Yangs then proceed to bludgeon him to death for heresy.

Generation[redacted] January 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm

They were merely intruding upon his skull.

rickmaci January 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Think about where these folks are at; the Bible must be accepted as the literal truth but history is whatever a majority of the Republicans in the state legislature thinks it should be. SMH. We have reached the bottom of the dumbass pit.

gurukalehuru January 23, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Attila the Intruder.

ndisang67 January 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

It took a man not to own a slave….in dem slave days…

thefrontpage January 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Schools in Tennessee should also be teaching students about the alarmingly high and abnormally high instances of severe mental illness, delusional behavior, psycho behavior and generally psychologically unstable behaviorial patterns in the states of Tennessee, Mississippi, South Carolina, Arizona, Alabama and Texas.

monty4prez January 23, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Complete morons, they are.

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm

It is dangerous to judge a man by his appearance, however in this case, he is just as ignorant, dirty and twisted as he looks.

DahBoner January 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

You might be a redneck if you wear a YUP, I'm a Racist t-shirt…

Catabite January 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

"Yup, I'm a racist."

Oh please oh please oh please wear that shirt in downtown Baltimore. They have a nice convention center, you can have your little wingnut circle jerk there. You'll be just fine if you wander off downtown- Baltimore's "charm city", after all!

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Why are they getting their flour sack panties in a bunch about what's *in* the books? It's not like anybody's going to do anything but chew on the covers.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:52 pm

"demanding schools quit teaching children that the Founding Fathers owned slaves or killed Indians or made any mistakes whatsoever at any time"

I guess the idea that our Founding Fathers had their fair share of flaws, but their actions were in the context of their era and culture, so it's not really fair to judge them by today's standards, is way too complex for Cletus and Brandine.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm

So, what, we've always been friends with Nativeamerica?

BZ1 January 24, 2012 at 9:37 am

they weren't a whole bunch of rich white guys, wanting their own way? whoa here…

HelmutNewton January 24, 2012 at 11:28 am

What we really need is a rapture for dumb-shit rednecks.

jqheywood January 23, 2012 at 3:26 pm

That's the answer….When Dorothy told Toto that they weren't in Kansas anymore…they were in Tennessee!

ShaveTheWhales January 23, 2012 at 4:19 pm

But enough of this Royalist propaganda.

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Thank Republican Jeebus that we're reaching this goal right here in America!

Swampgas_Man January 23, 2012 at 4:33 pm

In first grade, I was CONVINCED that "Left" and "Right" were absolute concepts, like north and south; when you turned around, your "left" hand became your "right" hand, and vice versa. Still think I mighta had something there. . .

RavenRant January 23, 2012 at 4:34 pm

New Republican slogan: "The Plantation – It's not just for blacks anymore!"

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 5:18 pm

And "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" was about mixing Coca-Cola with aspirin, right?

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