GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:00 am January 23, 2012

Mitt Romney Believes in an American America Full of American Americans

by Matt Langer

NEW YORK—It really is a sick, masochistic thing we do, waking up every morning and watching “Morning Jo(k)e.” The only way we endure is to make a game of it: how long will we make it today before Joe Scarborough reminds us he was a three-term congressman? (Jan. 23: ~two-and-a-half minutes.) But in any event! Sometimes those goofballs end up fixating on something we missed, like this morning when Joe was afforded the chance to start our Monday morning off with a smile through the unlikely vessel of Mark Steyn, who wrote this lovely thing in the National Review yesterday: “Why is the stump speech so awful? ‘I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.’ Mitt paid some guy to write this insipid pap. And he paid others to approve it.” God that is good. We were so busy showering ourselves with foamy Cristal spray after President Obama’s big win in South Carolina that we missed this twenty-six word sentence from Mitt in which fully twenty-three percent of the words were “America.” Kind of like Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo—for patriots!

So in recent years it used to be that Republicans would just get hung up fighting the same old battles of the 60s; but nowadays they’re keeping focused on fighting the same fights from last quarter. So start your countdown clocks! Because with just about a month to go before the payroll tax holiday expires (again), John Boehner is hinting that House Republicans will tie the Keystone XL pipeline to any extension (again).

In what’s turning out to be the best thing to happen to New Yorkers since Carl Paladino, the Times has unearthed some damaging blog posts from senate wannabe Marc Cenedella. Cenedella, founder of the impossibly stupid/offensive/insensitive jobs website TheLadders.com—a service which spares six-figure job hunters from slumming amongst all those proles on Monster—is mounting a challenge for Kirsten Gillebrand’s seat. And this Cenedella fellow apparently once wrote that March 14th ought to be something of a “men’s appreciation” holiday, a special occasion on which ladies are advised to express their profound appreciation for their beaus via steaks and/or blowjobs. Which is cute! Because apparently it’s never occurred to Mr. Cenedella that our kind of sort of misogynistic culture doesn’t already mandate every other day of the year to be such an occasion? But in any event, we do look forward to reading the Senate minutes the day he introduces a bill to formally codify this very special day as a national holiday.

Don’t miss this video message from Gabbie Giffords announcing her resignation. Spoiler alert: it’s really tear-jerky.

Oh, so a famous person died yesterday. And some people are sad! While other people are scratching their heads over how a man who stood idly by during decades of child rape in his locker room could inspire so much widespread mourning. [We'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to guess which camp we fall into.—ed.]

A couple of important programming notes. First: Mitt is slated to release his 2010 tax returns tomorrow (no word yet on whether these will just be Mitt’s personal returns or if he’ll also be releasing filings from all those job-creating businesses he started in the Cayman Islands). Also tomorrow: State of the Union! Oh and don’t forget: there’s another debate tonight. The eighteenth of the season. And tonight’s chug word is “Saul Alinsky.” Enjoy!

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 243 comments }

chascates January 23, 2012 at 9:04 am

He means 'White makes right'.

vulpes82 January 23, 2012 at 9:05 am

America!

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 9:12 am

"Fuck, yeah!"

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:18 am

USA USA USA USA!

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:18 am

Mitt's been lifting his speaches from the Wonkette comment section.

PLAGIARISM LIBEL!

LetUsBray January 23, 2012 at 10:03 am

I don't know if American Americans living in an American America are ready to hear Willard saying "Needs moar buttsecks".

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Rick Santorum would disapprove of this.
Vehemently.
The kind of vehement disapproval that's certainly not a dead giveaway, and definitely not overcompensating for… well… anything in particular.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 9:06 am

I just love it when real Americans like Mark Steyn and Stuart Varney lecture us about what it means to be a real American. Here in America.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

But…me….also.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 10:28 am

There's a big difference, 2L. We love YOU!

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

True. True. Not nearly as American American here in America like Mormons from Utah. (Or is that redundant? Whatev….) Especially the children of a guy who moved to Mehico to avoid American America's laws.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

ct:

Thanks to a very efficient, international ground game, there are now Mormans all over the world. Isn't Mormanism the fastest growing religion on earth?

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 10:31 am

Fecundity, also too.

Oblios_Cap January 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Joe McCarthy, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you!

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Recently I again watched the classic Edward R. Morrow documentary about his battle with Tailgunner Joe. I can not recommend this too highly. It is extraordinary.

Here is President Eisenhower speaking about seeing face-to-face people who oppose you. Here is fear on the national stage – and a handful of people with the guts to stand up for what is right.

Sadly, some seven decades later we've come full circle. This fascinating documentary speaks too America in 2012 – if only we will listen.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:07 am

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love. Because America is America for America. It's not 'Not-America" but American America with Americans doing American things for America's American Americans. Truck nutz. Thank you very much, and God Bless America."

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

Blah, blah, blah, American Exceptionalizms, also. Too.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

I know the Wonkette is all about free speech – something all of us American American here in America cherish and recognize as uniquely American American in America, but please don't use the "blah" word.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Didn't James Brown sing this?

cheaphits January 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Remember the sheep bleating in "Animal Farm"?

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 9:07 am

We need more interesting news than this, although a porterhouse/fellatio-themed holiday doesn't sound half bad.

Dashboard Buddha January 23, 2012 at 9:10 am

Porterhouse is one of the most nutritious cuts of steak…or so I'm lead to believe.

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 9:25 am

Particularly combined with head and a good California zin.

HipHop0Potamus January 23, 2012 at 9:36 am

Would this automatically render Valentines Wine and Cunnilingus day?

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 9:43 am

I'm all over it.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

Like a true American American here in America!!! For the stars and stripes!!!

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

Wine, Cunnilingus and Chocolate. You need to cover all bases.

YasserArraFeck January 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Where in the Essential Food Group pyramid do these fall? I dream of one day going for a physical, and the medic saying "You're in pretty good shape, but I think you could use more wine, chocolate and cunnilingus in your diet"

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Just ask for a prescription.

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

This is more a Maslow scale thing than food groups. Once you get to oral sex, wine and chocolate you are fully actualized.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

"Where in the Essential Food Group pyramid do these fall?"

The basic Essential Food Groups are:
Sugar
Fat
Salt
Caffeine
Alcohol

Chocolate contains the first four on the list, which is why scientists in white lab coats somewhere have proclaimed it "A Perfect Food" (really, they all wrote that down on their clipboards when the one guy said it). Wine, of course, supplies the necessary alcohol, as well as improving the looks, dancing, and conversational skills of whoever else is in the room.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

That would at least get one to third base. Wouldn't it?

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

By definition, yes.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 10:30 am

Mr. F:

You mean when you ask your significant other "How do you want your steak? Porter or tube?"

MrFizzy January 24, 2012 at 10:54 am

Combo (s)platter.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I'd pay good money for that.

Texan_Bulldog January 23, 2012 at 9:07 am

Another f*&king debate? Good lord, this time they just need to bring the rope and a sacrificial brown/black person.

I'm hoping a guilty conscience did in JoePaw, but I doubt he had one.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 10:15 am

I'm hoping a guilty conscience did in JoePaw, but I doubt he had one.

Not according to his fellow conspirators in covering up the whole child rape thing "colleagues," who are now insisting that JoePa really died of heartbreak.

Gainsbourg69 January 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

This debate will be different. This one will be a panderfest for the millions of olds who are waiting to die down here. When the moderators ask the candidates whether they will cut Medicare they'll deny they ever thought it was a ponzi scheme. Newt's racist nonsense will not play well down here.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Apparently it didn't bother him enough to go to the actual police during all those years he knew the abuse was taking place.

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 9:08 am

"That’s the America I love," said the man who escaped to France when America needed him the most.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 9:36 am

On the plus side, he spent his time there walking door to door annoying people.

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 9:42 am

"Ken Doll est un Mormon?"

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

In GOP circles, annoying the French is considered heroic.

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:08 am

…by telling a bunch of French people that they needed to stop drinking coffee, drinking wine, and smoking. And send 10% of all they earn to some wacko cult headquartered in a desert 6000 miles away.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Now I'm imagining them all laughing that snooty French laugh, and that makes me smile.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I'm sure that "no drinking alcohol" was the ultimate deal breaker not just in France but also the UK. Probably not very many Mormons around, if any.

YasserArraFeck January 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

When did America ever need Mittens? I think most of us would be just as happy if he had stayed in France (sorry, France, but he's got to go somewhere).

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Never heard of "Operation Mormon Shield"?

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:10 am

Steak and Head every other day of the year? Who's your girlfriend Matt and does she have a sister?

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 9:26 am

Or is she tired of you?

OC_Surf_Serf January 23, 2012 at 10:01 am

Steak-n-Head. Now that would be a fine restaurant chain…

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

You could do it, legally, in Nevada. I'm guessing *profitably* too. Who wants to bankroll this? I'll train the staff. This would be the next logical step for Hooters waitresses who aren't quite satisfied with the tips they're getting at that chain.

TeaNuts January 23, 2012 at 11:39 am

As the self appointed Director of HR, I get to interview and hire the staff!

Biff January 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Sheri's Ranch in Pahrump has a restaurant on-site…

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Squat and gobble, indeed.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

My man gets his bacon-wrapped…

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

His steak or his head?

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

Yes.

DaSandman January 23, 2012 at 9:11 am

Another debate? Ok when are these two assclowns gonna learn to juggle and do funny dances and shit?

Fukui_sanYesOta January 23, 2012 at 9:18 am

I'm wondering what their party pieces would be. Somehow I imagine Ron Paul making really bad balloon animals.

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

Will every state have as many debates as S. C.? If so, will new accusations be hurled? I've memorized all the old ones.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:50 am

Didn't Perrywinkle try his version of vaudeville in NH? That seemed to go over like a Mormon in SC, so I think it'll be awhile before they go down that road.

However, the Saul Alinsky Highway seems to be wide open and without any speed limits.

*** A little ot, but has anyone seen any exit polls or other questionaires where GOP voters were asked if they knew who Saul Alinsky was?****

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

No polls, but CNN felt compelled to provide a primer on him, so I'm guessing there's research somewhere showing only Poli Sci junkies and people who are still scarred from the 60s actually know what an "Alinsky-style radical" supposedly is.

jus_wonderin January 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

I think they already have the shit part down.

Chillwillard January 23, 2012 at 9:11 am

I'm just gonna try to be nice and say that I will not be missing Joe Paterno.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 9:37 am

JoePa's epitaph should read "Do as I said, not as I did."

Fukui_sanYesOta January 23, 2012 at 9:12 am

I'm confused. Was Paterno an American American or a non-American American? He apparently didn't like homosexuals much, which would seem to make him an American American by the standards of nutjob-American Americans, but then there was that whole kidfucking coverup thing which seems to be frowned upon by American Americans and non-American Americans and, well, pretty much everyone really.

BREAKING! Rick Santorum blames blahs, and Rick Perry sticks his head out of the closet to claim that America's government is run by Islamic terrorists because there are pedophiles here sometimes.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 9:25 am

"there was that whole kidfucking coverup thing which seems to be frowned upon by American Americans and non-American Americans and, well, pretty much everyone really."

Well, not the Catholic Church, so much.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 9:38 am

Or certain Republican elected officials.

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

Publicly. In quiet rooms, though…..

Biff January 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Not American, like the totally American LDS Church of the Jesus in Missouri and Utah, or New York, or wherever that scamp hid the plates…

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 10:24 am

I think maybe Paterno was an American American with some Catholic Priest sprinkled in. The one thing he was (that I hope to God I never am) is so wedded to his work that when it was taken away he just fucking died.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"so wedded to his work that when it was taken away he just fucking died"

Well, that's one way to look at the bright side of chronic unemployment.

sunmusing January 23, 2012 at 11:35 am

That SOB took the easy way out by dying before anyone could really toast his ass for his feigned ignorance.

Dashboard Buddha January 23, 2012 at 9:12 am

Wow…I'm still spent from yesterday's 1300+ thread, but I'll give it a shot.

Gabby…you are a shining star amongst douchebags. Get well soon.

Texan_Bulldog January 23, 2012 at 9:26 am

That was a tear-jerker video. One injured Gabby is worth about 300 Marcia Blackburns, Jean Schmidts and any Representative from TX.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 9:46 am

When I lived in Galveston, my representative to the State Legislature was Babe Schwartz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._R._Schwartz) an tiny elderly Jewish man who was vocally liberal and had fire in his belly enough to fight the good fight in Austin. Molly Ivins called him a "white maned pixie". He also favored those one piece jumpsuits with the elastic belt. One of my favorite Babe moments was when while on the floor of the Legislature, he told that old story about a dog peeing on the leg of a blind man and the blind man patting the dog on the head. Someone asked the blind man why he was so charitable to the door, to which the blind man replied "So I know where his head is so I can kick him in the ass". I saw him tell off the representatives of a Japanese company that wanted to locate a copper smelter on Galveston Bay. The company fudged some information. You do not fudge the truth around Babe. lol

Texas has had a few bright spots over the years, but there are few and far between right now.

Texan_Bulldog January 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

Yes, just think Jeb Hensarling and Joe Barton, ugghhh. I will give Lloyd Doggett a pass, though. The man can't help if if he's surrounded by idiots.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

I almost made Joe Barton cry. His hands were shaking and he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world. He'd come to speak a grad policy class I took at A&M and apparently he didn't think anyone would ask him about what he'd been up to in his first year in Washington. He'd spent that year basically being Newtie's shadow and ignoring the needs of his district. I was actually very polite when I asked him questions. He's an idiot on his best days.

orygoon January 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I cried a bucketful over her video.

lefty74 January 23, 2012 at 9:12 am

Jopa died, people cried? People cried when Kim Jung the Second rolled craps too.

Loaded_Pants January 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm

You know there's going to be some pics of melodramatic grief from PaJo's funeral to continue to drum up sympathy & continue the cult.

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 9:16 am

In the header pic, do I detect a hint of bias?

slithytoves January 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

That's a bias I support!

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 9:16 am

Baby, I can't go again. I'm spent.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

.. here take this blogagra

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 9:30 am

I think the moment is right! I'll go fill the bathtubs.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 9:42 am

That's "bathTubes"

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

Every time that I think that lounging around in separate bathtubs might just be the least erotic thing ever, I start second-guessing myself. I pride myself on my internet-fu, but is there some horrifically nasty fetish I've never heard of out there that involves this shit?

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

It's the internet – there is some horrifically nasty fetish that involves every single type of shit you can imagine, and yes there is porn of it out there.

YasserArraFeck January 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

Maybe the implication is "Cialis makes him so hard, he could bone The Missus through two cast-iron bathtubs"

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

I think the idea is that it's a romantic, post-coital soak.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"Baby, I can't go again. I'm spent."

*hits buzzer*
What is, "Sentences Chet never says in real life"?

Goonemeritus January 23, 2012 at 9:17 am

“March 14th ought to be something of a “men’s appreciation” holiday, a special occasion on which ladies are advised to express their profound appreciation for their beaus via steaks and/or blowjobs.”

I would settle for my wife just easing up on the lentil casseroles. I find it helps not to get my hopes up to high.

mrblifil January 23, 2012 at 9:17 am

Just another morning in Vespuciland.

proudgrampa January 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

A Firesign Theater reference?

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 9:20 am

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” Mitt paid some guy to write this insipid pap. = NEWT

I love the smell of Goldwater in the morning.

memzilla January 23, 2012 at 9:20 am

Where all all of these (us) Un- Americans hanging out? Is there an EZ-Pass dongle for it? And can I get discount prices on Maker's Mark and Humboldt Gold?

BaldarTFlagass January 23, 2012 at 9:20 am

‘I believe in a blowjob where millions of blowjobs believe in a blowjob that’s the blowjob millions of blowjobs believe in. That’s the blowjob I love.’

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

You have my vote.

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

Why does this make more sense than the original sentence?

FakaktaSouth January 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

I just love you. We have a lot in common my friend.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Signed, sincerely, Herman Cain

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 9:21 am

Sounds like he's setting us up for a Newt like, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,”

Like paying almost no taxes.

FakaktaSouth January 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

I can also do this.
Fuck this fucking fucker who wants to "up" the fucking of our fucked-up country – by, with and for the continuation of his own fucking gain.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:30 am

I think I'm in LUUUUUUUUV.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 9:49 am

And a cheerful "good morning" to you, too.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

Of course the Republicans think the guy to challenge a female Senator in New York is an unrepentant misogynist douchebag. Well it will be fun seeing that asshole get trounced on election day.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

Break out the baseball bats and the horse porn.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:08 am

Yes, that worked so well for Rick Lazzio.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

Blech … my choice is going to be between this brain-dead douchebag, and Gillebrand, co-sponsor of the PIPA lets-fuck-up-the-internet law? I'm going to be just about as enthusiastic as the (dozen or so remaining) rational GOP primary voters.

elviouslyqueer January 23, 2012 at 10:26 am

unrepentant misogynist douchebag

Now Soros, let's be fair. Cenedella is a money-grubbing, self-important, unrepentant misogynist douchebag.

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

I mean, it's just plain disrespectful not to use his full title.

GorzoTheMighty January 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

Is this a new Super Pac? "Americans who believe in an America that American millions believe in." Colbert sir. Well played.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

"other people are scratching their heads over how a man who stood idly by during decades of child rape in his locker room could inspire so much widespread mourning."

Football.

Next question.

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

John Paul II had a locker room?

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

If he did, it surely would have been for a Youth League.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 9:26 am

"a service which spares six-figure job hunters from slumming amongst all those proles on Monster"

Why create 1000 jobs that pay $30k when you can create just one job that pays $30 million?

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 9:33 am

Have you ever seen the ads for the ladders? They are so obnoxious and elitist; and I'm talking about real elitism, of the type primarily practiced by Republican businessmen, not the fake "leftist elitism" that the Republicans rail against which doesn't exist.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 23, 2012 at 10:21 am

If they have jerbs that pay $30 mil, I should probably at least take a look. I'm sure I can help put a company into bankruptcy, like Mitt did, if they just borrow a shitload of cash and hand it over to me.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Still, it's nice to know that those assholes are out of work, too.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 9:27 am

Meh. I'm a Pitt fan.

Terry January 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

Pitt has had some good teams over the years (and currently), but are largely ignored not only in Pennsylvania but in Pittsburgh itself. I don't understand why.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

I'm a Pitt fan because I went to school down the street and CMU's football team was more of an after thought. I'm still not sure what a Tartan is but it sounds pretty ghay.

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

Go fighting Plaids! Could be worse. You could have gone to UC Santa Cruz (Banana Slugs, and no football at all).

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Still, wish I could afford to move back there.

imissopus January 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

One word: Steelers.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

LORD PALMERSTON!!!

Joshua Norton January 23, 2012 at 9:29 am

how long will we make it today before Joe Scarborough reminds us he was a three-term congressman?

He also holds the current record for the most dead interns found in an office.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 10:26 am

Is that cause Chandra Levy was found out of the office?

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 9:30 am

And tonight’s chug word is “Saul Alinsky.”

A community organizer who is "one of the great American leaders of the nonsocialist left"¹ that the Rethugs love to roll-out as a boogie booger man. Be afraid, be very afraid or zombie Saul will organize a shit in.

1. Wikipedia

Mahousu January 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

Newt where Mitt had had had had had had a racist dogwhistle pander a racist dogwhistle pander had had the voters' approval.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

Morning Choad? Matt, back away from that stuff, it turns you in an angry conservative. Who may or may not have murdered his intern.

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

The Ides of March Eve, like Jeebusween, should be celebrated like St Paddy's Day, in honor of all the politicos that will be doing the "Et tu, Brute'?" the next day.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 9:32 am

Who's the male stripper behind Terry Bradshaw?

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 9:32 am

I will not watch the 18th debate because my boss is having heartburn over my medical condition that causes me to have two day hangovers after the debates.

OC_Surf_Serf January 23, 2012 at 9:35 am

Hey there Mittens…Canada, Mexico, Peru, etc. etc. are all in the Americas…so now you want Mexicans doing your multiple front lawns?

MrFizzy January 23, 2012 at 9:38 am

He's been doing his own laundry. Maybe when there's a video camera around he'll spark up a lawnmower next.

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

While more accurate, "I believe in United States where millions of US persons believe in United States that are the United States millions of US persons believe in. That’s the United States I love" was considered somewhat less jingoistic, hence the choice.

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

Heck, that could still be describing Mexico. I'm telling you, we don't know where this anchor baby's roots really lie!

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 10:43 am

Huh?! I thought those people were the brahz… And we all know that in American American here in America "American" means white. Christian. And prolly obese and dumb as fuck, too, also, but by god, we are American American here in America. And proud of it!!!!

As it says on my truck, jes below the Confederate Flag – "USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! "

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

Oh please. We both know that America is the only truly American America that all American Americans love.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

And not those damn commie blue states, either!

cheetojeebus January 23, 2012 at 9:36 am

Shit,
Shit, Sheeeat, shitshitshit, s h i t , shit?

shit

Goonemeritus January 23, 2012 at 9:39 am

A little O/T but does anyone else out there feel the traditionally disciplined Republican Party has totally lost control of their base. What Republican strategist with an IQ over 60 could possibly be cheering for Newt?

johnnyzhivago January 23, 2012 at 9:45 am

I know a number of establishment Rethuglicans, and they are in a not so mild state of panic.

EatsBabyDingos January 23, 2012 at 9:45 am

Dark Horse Chris Christie, Blunder Whale, and he will ride into the Convention on Shamoo, the Wonder Whale. It will be FundyFail.

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 10:15 am

One possible scenario: The current clowns look so bad, they make what came before them look a lot less awful and opens the door to a Bush, as unthinkable as it may have seemed only a few months ago.

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 10:22 am

What Republican strategist with an IQ over 60 could possibly be cheering for Newt?

My guess is, the Republican strategist who believes that the crucial party constituencies include the Anger Monster Voters. Newt does a better angry asshole performance than any of the rest.

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 10:49 am

I believe that realization hit them when the freshmen in Congress waxed enthusiastic about a government shutdown.

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

What Republican strategist with an IQ over 60? I mean, seriously, I've never heard of one.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Don't confuse the strategists with the cretins they manipulate.

sunmusing January 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Growing up, I was taught that HATE, is a powerful force for "bad". So, I hate to say, that I really hate the haters, who insist on hating everyone who is not a hater. Love, being a more power force, yet ignored by the right, will overcome the hate of the haters. I LOVE you Wonkettes.

SenileAgitation January 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

It's a shadow replay of 1964, when sensible Republicans tried to steer the party to Romney (George) or even a last minute bid from the Penns. governor, but Goldwater had captured the imagination with his fringe message which equaled electoral disaster in November. Now the fringe has become less and less fringe until now it's practically left of center. Is Gingrich Goldwater?

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Think it just goes to show how bad they don't want Mitt Rmoney to get the nomination.

johnnyzhivago January 23, 2012 at 9:43 am

If you live in NJ you have until April 5th to change your party affiliation and cast your vote for the PigNewt in our primary – here's a link to the form you would need to hold your nose, fill out and send to your county elections board:
http://www.njelections.org/form_pdf/party-affilia

prommie January 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

Wait a minute, why am I not in on this steak and/or blowjob thing? I am supposed to get a steak and/or blowjob daily? Where is my steak and/or blowjob, dammit?

OC_Surf_Serf January 23, 2012 at 9:58 am

pssst I hear the French get to eat steak while getting a blowjob.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

Thank heaven for little girls!

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

Well, yeah. But the steak in France is usually terrible.

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

Horsemeat can be delicious, I've been told.

freakishlywrong January 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

It's with my time machine/ flying car.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

Flying car-head would be soooo cool.

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

Not to mention that you could go back in time and get head from famous historical figures!

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

All sizzle, none steak blowjob…

Steverino247 January 23, 2012 at 9:53 am

The tax records I'd like to see are those of Mitt's true employer, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You realize that all that venture capitalism benefited them in that he included the church in his business deals. So, all those jobs lost when the companies folded? Yeah, it's on their hands, too. Can a church go to jail for insider trading? I'll have to ask Martha Stewart…

chascates January 23, 2012 at 10:14 am

To their credit the Saints will convert the failed corporations to successful ones in their Book of Books of Stuff.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Form 1040, Schedule A, line 19 is where you tally that 10% "gift" to SLC. Can't wait to see their reaction to his cheating them out of any of that…

bureaucrap January 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

Women should celebrate "Men's appreciation day" by taking their man to see a Broadway musical.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:00 am

And then blowing him?

chascates January 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

Or staying home to watch one of those 'damsels in distress' movies on Lifetime while reorganizing the pantry.

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:15 am

Is the musical "Blowjob!!" still on Broadway?

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

Sure worked for Randy and the guys on South Park. I've never had such a clear understanding of subtext before!

I have to say, though, that Phantom and Cats didn't have that effect on my wife. Rent was okay, but not road BJ worthy.

donner_froh January 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

"That's the Amerikkka I love" said Mittens/Newt/Santorum/Paul, illuminated by the holy light of a flaming cross.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

Ah, I fondly remember steak-and-blowjob day – or as the rest of you may know it, October 27, 2001.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

I commemorate December 26, 1985, in similar fashion.

Baconzgood January 23, 2012 at 10:26 am

It was one of Schilling best performances. He got 20+ wins that year.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:09 am

Can I get in on some cunnilingus and clams?

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

Well every day should be cunnilingus day!

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:32 am

Isn't that redundant?

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

Now you've got me thinking, someone should make labia-shaped pasta, and it could be served with clam sauce!

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:43 am

Labbra con Vongole?

prommie January 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Rolls right off the tongue. . .

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 11:38 am

… and down your throat presumably.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

I was going to suggest cunnilingus and cake.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

"Cunnilingus and Cake", the new album from Radiohead

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I'll be there, lickety-split!

chascates January 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

I suppose tonight's debate will be Newt attacking the 'elitist/leftist media', Santorum talking about his sexual paranoia, Mittens talking about being a regular Joe, and Ron Paul just trying to get asked a question.

TRIPLE BONUS DRINK: anytime George Bush is mentioned.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 10:19 am

How about "drill baby drill"?

teebob2000 January 23, 2012 at 10:16 am

Short version: "AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!"

deanbooth January 23, 2012 at 10:19 am

We'll leave it as an exercise for the reader…

Who do you think I am, Jack Lalanne?

OldRedneck January 23, 2012 at 10:19 am

Joe Scarborough? You mean this Joe Scarborough: http://www.americanpolitics.com/20010808Klausutis

Someone needs to ask Morning Joe about Lori Klausutis — the young female staffer found dead in his district office — after which he decided to "spend more time with my family."

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 10:21 am

(blowjobs or steak) are mandated every other day of the year

I think I was robbed.

fartknocker January 23, 2012 at 10:24 am

The inevitable Tweet from Tundra Twat endorsing Newt and his diatribe about Saul Alinsky (which will be improperly spelled) should arrive in 3, 2, 1…

ManchuCandidate January 23, 2012 at 10:24 am

Maybe Mittens is doing a shout out to the band "America?" Didn't you think about that Mark Stun?* Who doesn't love "A Horse With No Name"?

*a cruel irony, Mark Stun is neither US American or the Brit Twatwaffle he pretends he is, but actually from Canada City which is, from my understanding, not US America.

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:32 am

(Shhhhhh! Ta gueule!…..They might make us take him back.)

mereoblivion January 23, 2012 at 10:34 am

Ain't it something that the worst band of all time also had the worst name of all time?

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"You're in the desert. You got nothing else to do. Name the horse!" — Richard Jeni, RIP

Chichikovovich January 23, 2012 at 10:25 am

I think Matt is onto something with the "Buffalo buffalo… etc." sentence. If we just make "to Americans" a transitive verb (say: A's Americans B's = "A's detest all persons except B's, since B's are judged to be adequately American")

Then Mitt could have speeches that consist exclusively of "Americans" and linking words.

"Americans Americans Americans, my friends. And Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans. But even more importantly, Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans. And let nobody ever tell you that it isn't true that Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans Americans. Obama doesn't believe Americans Americans ….(etc.)."

Let the bidding war between Newt and Mitt for my services begin. (You should see what I can do with "American exceptionalism")

teebob2000 January 23, 2012 at 10:26 am

Fuckin' witty fuck fuckwit fuckin' fucks wit' fuckin' witty fuckwit fucks.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

And tonight’s chug word is “Saul Alinsky.”

RUH ROH!

P.S. Anyone seen this yet? Better Homophobes and Gardens
~

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

Everytime I see that name my brain translates it to Prince Rancid.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2012 at 10:40 am

OT but delicious, apparently, according to MSNBC, Rand Paul has been detained by the TSA .

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 10:40 am

I hope its for that hairpiece.

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

I hope he had a pound of heroin shoved up his rectum, that or a loaded gun.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

Shoved good and hard up his rectum. Sideways.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

Someone needs some attention. Blimp didn't work, how about a gun-loving stunt of some kind, with jack-booted thugs walking all over a libertarian's right to carry loaded guns on airplanes?

chicken_thief January 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

What does he expect? I mean worshipping Aqua Buddha is hardly American American here in America.

BerkeleyBear January 23, 2012 at 11:36 am

More like he detained himself by being a total asshole. The scanner registered an anomaly, they asked him to do a pat down, he blows up and insists that he should be able to go through the machine again (unlike every other traveller), won't agree to pat down, so now what the fuck are they supposed to do with him? And then his staff and wacky dad spin his sheer assholery as thugs detaining him.

Smithboy January 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

I'll take Mitt's jabber over Newt's talk of starting a war with Iran.

YasserArraFeck January 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

This is not mine, but I always thought it was one of the best pithy comments I've seen on Wonkette (and that's a pretty high bar):

"Reince, Blather, Repeat"

Pres.Beeblebrox January 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

The Gabby Giffords video was one of the saddest, yet most inspiring, things I've seen in a while.

What's sad about her resignation is that some rabidly anti-immigration GOP yahoo will probably win the special election to replace her.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

More likely, some anti-immigration GOP yahoo will be bitching incessantly about how Giffords was being selfish about not resigning sooner and allowing her district to be represented by some anti-immigration GOP yahoo in Washington.

prommie January 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

The story of this year's primary season could have been written by Joseph Heller. Loyalty Oaths, next? Armed candidates, open carry at the debates, to show their American love for American guns and American killing any American who looks at you cross-eyed? And whats up with the Pauls, I smell a libertarian rat in this breaking story of Rand being detained at an airport because he refused to be patted down.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I hope the fucker ends up on the No-Fly List.

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

Wait. What about us Brits in American America — brought here in slave ships to work in your advertising industry? There are some y'know.

Don't make me quote Downton Abbey!

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

Layne Price?

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 11:43 am

No, not me. He/she/they have a Facebook page tho'.

fuflans January 23, 2012 at 11:38 am

well at least you found the wonkette.

ElPinche January 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

Mitt the Mormon Mexican is not qualified as an Amurkin in the racist wingtard sense of the word.
And yeah, that Gifford video is bitter sweet.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country 'tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water

– you-english-majors-know-who

WiscDad January 23, 2012 at 11:18 am

I get it…it's a tongue twister. He's hoping those that repeat it fast three times will say…that’s the America Mexican Americans believe in

Redhead January 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

I thought that was the title of Colbert's next book.

Designer_Rants January 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

The Mittbot is getting bad programming.

Slim_Pickins January 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

Has Cellendella attended the "Newt Gingrich Congressional Ethics Prep School," yet?

fuflans January 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

as someone who has spent a lot of time job searching i can tell you that ladders crap is toxic shit and you can't make it go away.

figures that guy is a total fat wanker.

DahBoner January 23, 2012 at 11:39 am

According to my calculations, America is about 75% Americans and 25% American'ts

DahBoner January 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

The real question is how long will Joe NOT mentioned a healthy, young, female intern died in his offices of "natural" causes (wink, wink to corrupt Fluriduh coroners!)???

//crickets

ttommyunger January 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

If I were Joe Pa, I believe I'd lose the will to live, too. Fucking weasel!

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"Cenedella fellow apparently once wrote that March 14th ought to be something of a “men’s appreciation” holiday, a special occasion on which ladies are advised to express their profound appreciation for their beaus via steaks and/or blowjobs."

I like men. I like appreciating the fantastic men who I am lucky enough to have in my life. I like steak. I like giving head. I like getting head. I like special occasions to let all the people you love know how much you appreciate them. I even like the month of March.

I do not like men with all of my male relatives' bad qualities and none of their good qualities, who behave like macho shitheads and make all Italian men look like jackasses. You *know* if this guy's mother was alive, she'd dope-slap him across the back of the head and yell in a whisper, "I raised you better than that! Act like you got some fawkin' manners!"

Maybe he wants us to keep our men faithful, like this asshat: http://wonkette.com/455040/nj-gop-candidate-not-s

owhatever January 23, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Ms. Jones, I like my steak rare and my bj well done. My stupid wife has it just the opposite.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I like both to have a side of onions and mushrooms.

GOPCrusher January 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Why do you hate Jello?

Designer_Rants January 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It's so deep. What does it mean? Anything? Nothing? Everything? That's for America to decide.

WeHaveIssues January 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I gave up watching 'Morning Joe' as a New Year's resolution – the Amerikin New Year, not the slanty-eyed one them Chinese are tryin' to force on us today – best… resolution… ever.

Not that I was very awake when I watched it in the past but the mornings are much more cheerful now. How many live remotes from Ala-fuckin-bama can a person stand? And the whole daddy/son thing with Mike Barnacle & Willie Geist… creepy.

Harry_S_Truman January 23, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Here, Mittens, try this on for size:

Fuck you, you fucking fuck!

(That's 60% fuck, but only 40% you.)

HateMachine January 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

I have witnessed Rule 34 of Rule 34, vore and guro (don't google any of these things unless you are deranged like me and Soros), and everything in between, and this particular fetish has eluded my searches. I'm positive it's out there, though, and the Cialis ad is a secret nod to the fifteen or so people who are into this shit.

jus_wonderin January 23, 2012 at 11:35 am

I would have loved to have seen that!

orygoon January 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

True story: When we lived in Texas, Mr. Goon (who grew up in Galveston, btw) had little skin cancers that had to be scraped off at intervals. He saw a dermatologist named Barton. Barton would have Mr. Goon remove his shirt and then admire how well he was holding up for his age and exclaim "how do you do it?!"

Then he died.

Then some of my bffs told me that Dr. Barton was gay and died of AIDS and is a cousin of Joe. (They knew Joe b/c Mr. bff is a physicist and worked with Joe to get the supercollider in Texas. Joe was for it; ultimately, his pals in Congress were not.)

Here endeth this particular gossip, except, yea, verily, Joe Barton is stupid and venal and scummy.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I guess I'm old enough to remember when "covering all the bases" ment "covering all the bases."

PsycWench January 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm

When I was in school, a home run was actual sex. Third base was touching a vagina but just not with your penis.

Tundra Grifter January 23, 2012 at 6:36 pm

PsycWench:

We must have gone to different schools together.

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