The rather thorough thumping Mitt Romney got in the South Carolina primary Saturday finally convinced our ever petulant office seeker to release his latest tax returns for the consumption of a barbarous public. After getting his spot blown up by Newt Gingrich, of all insufferable monsters, Mitt appears to have realized that stammering with indignation every time the subject of his colossal wealth came up was perhaps the worst electoral strategy ever conceived. Live and learn, we guess! But seriously, can he just have the keys to the White House already? He is beginning to find this all rather bothersome!
Some brave soul on Mitt’s pit crew must have raided the contents of C:\PRIVATE\OFFSHORE\ISLANDS\CAYMANS\TAXES\ over the weekend, forcing Mitt to explain (in a very excellent approximation of our human speech!) why his campaign decided to be so SO boneheaded for so so long:
“Given all the attention that’s been focused on tax returns, given the distraction I think they became in these last couple of weeks, look, I’m going to make it very clear to you right now Chris, I’m going to release my tax returns for 2010, which is the last returns that were completed,” he said. “I’ll do them on Tuesday of this week. I’m also at the same time going to release an estimate for 2011 tax returns. So you’ll have two years, people can take a good look at it.”
And wouldn’t you know it, President Obama is scheduled to deliver the State of the Union address this very same Tuesday! As you may know, the media generally begins its pre-game SOTU coverage 12-14 hours before the actual speech, meaning there’s a high likelihood Romney’s returns will get buried under all the Twatting and hologramming. Also consuming a fair amount of press oxygen will be Certified Conservative Hero Herman Cain’s SOTU response on behalf of the Tea Party Express.
Mitt, however, did make the unforced error of promising that there will not be a “second release down the road,” ensuring that, ha, of course there will be, and it will probably reveal that he used the proceeds from late-term abortions to single-handedly fund ACORN and La Raza. Â [Politico/NPR]
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How big is that Rapacious Capitalist deduction, anyway? And what we really want to see is his tax return from the Cayman Islands.
If tis true that Mint RawMoney has only $7 million in the Caymans, that's actually small potatoes. Isn't he worth something like $250 million?
It's $33 million, according to the campaign
Line 19, bishes!
Mitt's little secret: a tax deduction for teleprompters.
I’m going to release my tax returns for 2010, which is the last returns that were completed
Needz moar weasel words, like "Quiet Rooms".
OT: Rand Paul detained by TSA for refusing strip search. Film at eleven.
Is this Jeopardy? "What is the film I'd least like to watch?"
Rand Paul's TSA directed colonoscopy?
"Paul was travelling when he was detained."
That's odd, because the TSA mostly pesters me when I'm at home, not when I am travelling.
That's just because you live under a bench at the airport. Not everyone is so cosmopolitan.
Oh please tell me he pulled the "Don't you know who I am?" routine and then was promptly administered a full body cavity search.
Hopefully by some big AA chick who knows him and his daddy would have never voted for the Civil Rights Act. I sense a Madea moment…
I'll take "Things found in Rand Paul's colon" for $200, Alex.
Apparently he refused the full-body pat down and was taken away by local police.
Oh, God, is this true? Excellent.
I love it when bad things happen to bad people. Although this was infuriating:
“Today I’ll speak to the March for Life in DC. A nation cannot long endure w/o respect for the right to Life. Our Liberty depends on it,” tweeted Rand Paul at 9:49 A.M.
He actually had the gall to use the word liberty when heading to a march against liberty for women? Gah.
I smell a stunt by the Pauls to rile up their libertarian followers. Ron Paul has twittered that Rand is being "indefinitely detained." Thats a libertarian dog whistle, right there. Conjuring up images of jack-booted thugs (a favorite trope of libertarian-tards). BTW, is it ok to use the suffix "-tard" these days? It has to be, a Paultard is a Paultard. And this is such an obvious Paultard stunt.
Dr. Ron will probably issue a statement declaring his son a political prisoner being held by United Nations forces in the bowels of the Federal Reserve Building.
No One pats Rand Paul in a corner.
This will raise his dad's eyebrows for sure…
Nope. Those babies are super-glued in place these days.
"[...] you’re missing the boat on terrorism because you’re doing these invasive searches on six-year-old girls.”
As a physician, does he have any idea what "invasive" means? Or is he just fantasizing?
He's not even certified by the National Board of Ophthalmology, so no, probably not. And I thought fantasizing was the Paul family trait.
Better question: Why does Rand Paul think he's a six year old girl?
It wasn't even a strip search, just a freakin' pat down. What a pussy. I've come to realize he has little-man's syndrome, he appears to be way shorter than his dad, which explains his constant outrage. I bet the head of the real board of opthamology is like 6'4" so Rand took his ball and started his own board.
How interesting can a long, long list of interest and dividend payments get?
(Plus a third of a million bucks in speaking fees, as if that makes a difference.)
Speaking Fees: Chump Change We Can Believe In.
Speaking fees, sheemking fees. Don't sweat the pocket change.
We the Wonkette people owe it to America to make sure Romney's brave effort to have his tax returns overshadowed will be in vain.
You lie!
Will the returns show how much he had to give to Joe Smith's Bat$hit Crazy Golden Plates Brigade?
I think thats the biggest reason he is afraid to relase them, the returns will either show that he gives millions to the LDS church, which will result in news stories about LDS tithing and other quaint rules, like magic underwear, or else they will show he doesn't tithe, which will result in stories about how he is a shitty mormon for not tithing, and possibly not even wearing magic underwear. Then Newt will start the next debate with "And when will Mitt reveal where he is hiding his other wives?"
Whereas Newt is all about hiding the future wives.
He'd get more support if he'd just hide the current one.
That percentage of federal income taxes paid on the net will be interesting, as well, since it is likely lower than that of the average American American here in America.
Ironically enough, the .01% Mittens belongs to is also his effective tax rate. I'll bet you $10,000 I'm right.
I wonder if the fundies will be a little freaked out over how much he donated to his Church.
If he's forking over the 10% they expect, that's gonna be a whopping deduction. A deduction on money that gets spent on politics, like Prop. 8 in California. Hmmm.
But he's unemployed. Only made $400k last year from "talking". That means a measly $40k tithe. Chump Change for the $250-millionaire.
Right. The Capital Gains tithe is lower than the tithe for earned income. I think it's 1%.
But isn't there a limit on the charitable contributions deduction? It there is, then Bishop Mitt would need to funnel his contributions through some corporate laundry to be able to meet his church's expectations without actually having to use after-taxes money.
Meh, he probably didn't donate squat. Probably not over $750,000 a year. Chump change. Not that that'll stop Alinsky class warrior Newt from using it to attack free enterprise.
If he fully tithes, the fundies will be positively impressed. It'll be a plus for Romney. The fundies are commanded to tithe as well, but, I suspect, few actually do.
Oh please. Let there be a split screen telecast of The President on one side of the screen and the Romney minions with looseleaf binders of disclosed data on the other, handing it out to media personalities like shark-feeding time at the aquarium, and maybe an NBC correspondant standing on the steps sweating and reading it as he is talking into the microphone, making sense of it for all of us out there….who was that guy who always does that….their legal correspondant…Dan Abrams?
Let the Republican rebuttal be a listing of the high points of the return, sort of a Mitt Romney Tax Return Greatest Hits.
He'll be surprised when he hears Obama devote part of the speech to "tax avoidance by wealthy individuals in general and private equity investors in particular" and refer specifically to Mitt's tax return (to which the POTUS has had access for a while now).
Can we have
Elizabeth WarrenSara Benincasa give a Wonkette response to the SOTU?Just let Barb answer with one of her priceless barbs.
"Listen, bitches, the state of the Union is motherfucking strong.
BTW, are you the commenter formerly known as weejee? The link on your new sobriquet and avatar don't go to the Intense Debate page.
Yes this is weejee. When I click the the clickie it takes me to my Intense Debase page. Not sure why you are being banhammered from my page. Must be ID folks are too much the Flash Gordon fans.
I could have the Lords of Intense Debate chained down in my atom furnaces that provide power to hold Prince Vultan's Sky City aloft for this, but am feeling – I don’t know how else to describe it – merciful today.
An RT exclusive!
I follow her on Twitter- I told her we miss her and she said she misses us
Oh sure – it's right up there with "it's not you, it's me" or "no, that outfit looks nice"
Well, that's good enough for me.
I have to give him credit, he waited a long time for his "first release".
See? He is just like Tebow.
He was polite enough to make sure Newt released first.
Hype about the upcoming Brady/Manning grudge match should also help suppress interest in Romney's tax returns.
‘I believe in The Cayman Islands where millions of Cayman Islanders believe in The Cayman Islands that’s the The Cayman Islands millions of Cayman Islanders believe in. That’s the The Cayman Islands I love.’
– Willard
Don't worry, Mittens; we'll still take a look at 'em.
Also consuming a fair amount of press oxygen will be Certified Conservative Hero Herman Cain’s SOTU response on behalf of the Tea Party Express.
We'll see. I don't think Herman Cain (G.R.O.P.E.) has the the staying power of Mooselini (G.R.I.F.T.)
~
Instead of relying on SOTU, Romney should have copyrighted his returns and hoped for SOPA.
I'm sure the accounting in his returns is creative enough to qualify for copyright.
He'll be spending the first year of a Romney administration dead, for tax purposes.
Good News: Mitt's releasing his tax returns!
Bad News: He stored them in the Labarador Retriever's roof carrier for the past two years.
Good on you, johnnyzhivago. http://www.dogsagainstromney.com
I hope somebody has the presence of mind to ask him how many jerbs he's created, thanks to the 15% tax rate he pays on his zillions. Specifically, the ones he would not have created if he had paid the same 25-35% tax rate as people who work for a living.
I bet even Rick Perry could count them all.
By managing not to work himself, he may have created one vacancy.
Maybe if Willard, the poor little rich boy, would start hanging around with a couple of guys named Pee Wee and Freckles people might like him more.
Mitt Romney is clearly a closet Democrat. Only the Democrats are a sad enough party to turn the following assets into campaign liabilities:
- Success in business
- Self-made wealth
- State executive experience
- Experience working with foreign entities / Olympics
- Stable family life
- One time, traditional heterosexual marriage
- Good looking candidate
- Ability to raise significant campaign funds
"Self-made wealth" – I think you mistyped "wealth handed to him for being the son of a CEO and governor".
If Mitt had changed his name to Mitt Kennedy and become a Roman Catholic, things might be different.
(BTW, you forgot Laborador Retriever owner)
- Success in business
* Just like Ivan Boesky, Dennis Levine, Donald "Chapter 11" Trump, "Chainsaw" Al Dunlap, et al.
- Self-made wealth
* Made possible by bankrupting thousands of people out of theirs.
- State executive experience
* The major accomplishment of which he currently disavows.
- Experience working with foreign entities / Olympics
* Pay no attention to that little bribery scandal. Nothing to see here.
- Stable family life
* Made possible by upending the family lives of thousands of fired workers.
- One time, traditional heterosexual marriage
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Good looking candidate
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Ability to raise significant campaign funds
* Say, you know who else was able to raise significant campaign funds… ?
- Self-made wealth
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Executive experience
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Experience working with foreign entities
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Stable family life
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- One time, traditional heterosexual marriage
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Good looking candidate
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
- Ability to raise significant campaign funds
* Like the current occupant of the White House.
Sorry MItt, the job's taken. We'll keep your resume on file. Thanks for your interest.
Don't need the tax returns. Need the receipts!
That beach right there, that is where I want my steak and blowjob. Can I substitute lobster for the steak?
Yes, but you will have to trade the blow job for humping Blind Mary's eye socket. She'll keep an eye out for you.
Between "rather thorough thumping" and "certified conservative" I think Kaia has earned the cunning linguist of the Day honor. Try saying each of those five times really fast. It felt like a tongue-twister just reading them silently.
Score?
Please tell me there will be a live webcam of little accountants sifting through the returns like Wisconsin. Accountants can be hawt, too!
Talk tax credit to me, baby.
But the movies have taught me that accounts are all tiny little nebbishes! I certainly can't think of any hot accountants, oh no no…
You're just watching the wrong movies.
You're not just the president, you're also a client!
Even the smart ones don't get it. Much like Clinton's botched response to the Lewinski imbroglio, the correct response should be what they say in France and Italy – "fuck you if you don't like it".
Does anyone else see it as at least mildly funny that Ole Newt is trying to slam Mittens for his income, yet Ole Newt wants to cut the capital gains tax rate to 0% which would pretty much mean Mittens wouldn't be paying 15%, he'd be paying about 1%?
No matter what happens, Mitt wins!
jz:
That's what passes for "capitalism" in the good old US of A. Heads they win, tails we lose.
Or, Privatize the profits and socialize the losses.
I get such a kick out the right wing nutz extolling the virtues of capitalism. I'd really like to see us try it.
That's the 0.9 – 0.9 – 0.9 plan.
FTW !!!
It's funny in a "how stupid do these people think their base is?" kind of way.
I'm pretty sure all of the other republicans think people like Mitt shouldn't pay a penny in taxes on capital gains and interest income. Mitt's the only one who thinks otherwise, and he's the one with the huge, greasy stack of money.
They've actually got most of the base agreeing that not only should capital gains not be taxed, neither should estates. So someone like Mitt can leave his 25 children $10 million each and none of them will have to work or pay taxes their entire lives. They can just sit back, relax, and create jobs.
It's also funny in the news media will never say this kinda way.
Newt Gingrich's mind works by way of zero-point energy. Two mutually opposed and conflicting ideas appear in his mind simultaneously, and the perpetual motion machine that is his cognitive dissonance would be enough to power the East Coast.
The only way Newt could keep from spewing competing and mutually exclusive ideas is if he collapsed into a black hole.
On that beach there, in that picture, I would be content with a baloney sandwich and a handjob.
How about a PB&J and some empty promises?
Top Ramen and furtive, guilt-ridden masturbation?
Very Young Sweet Peas and a copy of Juggs.
Now I feel sorry for you. How about a seafood buffet, tropical drinks with little, paper umbrellas and a backwards cowgirl by some gorgeous native girl?
You can arrange this?
Baloney sandwich and a handjob? That pretty much describes the GOP primary campaigns.
But without the happy ending.
You weren't watching Neuter's victory speech, were you? His minions were all creaming in their jeans, right there on TeeVee.
That was a visual I could have done without. You really are the evil!
" Mitt appears to have realized that stammering with indignation every time the subject of his colossal wealth came up was perhaps the worst electoral strategy ever conceived."
I don't know. Newt screamed with indignation when it was pointed out that he was a serial adulterer, specializing in cheating on his wives when they were in medical crisis, and the Tea Partiers loved it. But maybe that's because they can identify with that.
This fucking country. The POTUS gives SOTU and the public is then treated to not one, but two Republican packs of lies/"rebuttals". Given the obscene amount of airtime given to cons already, is the public really clamoring to hear from 2 more, (pssssssssstt..fucking, shitty media, the "tea party" are Republicans)..
Herman needs to do more STFU and less SOTU.
Mitt's rich and he used his richy ways to get richer so he could hang out at the cool nightclubs.
Mitts deductions:
$1,200 : Dog cages and chains
$3,500: Hanes two-ply briefs (black & brown)
$2,300: Old Spice in bulk
$12,000: Custom suits
$500: Wilford Brimley memorabilia
Don't forget Magic Underwear.
Don't forget: $20,000,000 or in home interest deduction, maintenance, and renovation for the various homes.
Gahhh, now I know who "BrimleyManiac6221" is.
Ten grand says he has all his money tied up in a magic underpants gnome operation.
Which operates at a loss, for tax purposes, due to something something Cayman Islands.
Less ???, moar Prophet?
I figure I'd drag my feet too – if my taxes showed me paying less (as a percentage) of my income than almost every working American.
Mitt didn't park his money in the Cayman Islands to avoid taxes. It's that the banks there were giving away toasters with every account opened for over one million dollars.
Kaia, may I just point out that putting the word "release" in any sentence about a Republican presidential candidate is a dangerous proposition?
Even Mitt? I thought he had been sanitized for our protection.
How does figure in with his collaboration with Colbert? If Colbert gets to write the response, it may be worth listening to.
OT, but the poor souls slogging through a millior or two signatures in Wisconsin's recall election are back at their brain-numbing work in their unheated dungeon. Everyone's in coats and sweaters — unless they install a hot tub, we're never gonna get any nudity.
Yay my dark-haired girl with glasses is back! Boo she's wearing a bulky sweatshirt, and has her back to the camera!
Who's the brunette with the tatto on the back of her neck?
Wait, which one is putting all those documents into the
copiershredder?Somehow I doubt there will be much on the tax returns from his offshore holdings.
The whole reason for the offshore tax shelters is so you don't have to report the money to the IRS.
What we'll see is what was reported. It will be legal and it will be a LOT, but it won't be a complete picture of Romney's fortune. For that we'd need to see his returns going back to 1995 or so. And that ain't happening.
Well said. The returns for that portion of his life before he started running for POTUS would be much more revealing.
They're actually letting Herman Cain give a SOTU response, after his antics with Colbert last week revealed his true "I don't give a fuck" agenda?! White folks is stupid.
Precisely the point. Herman's Cain response: "Fine young man, but tits of GTFO."
Well, to be fair, Chet, so is Herman.
He is like the Denny Crane character Shatner used to play on "Boston Legal": Savvy at one-time, but now enjoying the libidinous, egomaniacal freedom of borderline dementia.
Mad cow!
We may be stupid, but not as stupid as Herm.
Oh, not you guys! You're some of the good ones!
Sure – now tell us how some of your best friends are why.
It's not the official response – this is the same bullshit teabagger extra response Bachmann did last year. Although Herman will just use this for self-promotion; Michele actually took it seriously, because she is legitimately mentally ill.
Hopefully they have worked out that whole "you should probably look into the camera" thing.
He will just slowly grin for 5 minutes on an extreme closeup.
‘I believe in an America where millions of millionaires believe in an America that’s the millions millions of millionaires believe in. That’s the millions I love.’
It will be fun to listen to Mitt explain why his tax rate is and should be lower than for people who actually have to work and get a paycheck.
And why he wants to shave it down even further.
Maybe if he's real lucky, there will be a horrible natural disaster killing millions, or an Airbus 380 full of white people will crash in the Himalayas, and everyone will completely forget about his tax returns.
"January 24, 2012
Dear Diary – really great news today! An American Airlines flight full of blonde sorority girls crashed into a nuclear power plant. There are mass evacuations in three states! No one is paying any attention at all to my tax returns."
Yeti lunch!
i don't know. that italian cruise shipwreck didn't really help him last week.
Insolent whelps! Do not raise the ire of Prince Entmoot!
Our President: "Let me be clear:…" – - a common preface to many of Bammerz's verbal declarations
Newt: "Let me be clear: the story (i.e. my ex-wife's allegation) is false"
Mittens: "I’m going to make it very clear to you right now Chris…"
It's like the over-compensating use of retorting to a question (usually one perceived as a potential "gotcha" question) with "Absolutely!.." to convey assureance and prove one's conviction, but it betrays an undertone of the exact opposite. I noticed the use of "let's be clear" when Obama began using it but he seems to work the phrase with authority. Less so with Newt and even muddier with Mitt's latest here. Words simply are not Mitt's friends lately; and while Newt seems to hold a better command of expressive language his priority remains polemical: to goad the GOP base for their full bigotry's worth.
A close relative to "Let me be clear" is any sentence begun with "The fact of the matter is…" Which, whenever I hear it, I mentally insert the word "not" immediately after. Because, you know, reality.
its polling efforts in the Sunshine and Meth and Old People State
Is that Orange Sunshine as opposed to Woodstock Brown? Too acidic even for the delusional Mittens campaign?
SHOW US THE LONG FORM 1040!
As Wonkette's leading tax policy hobbyist, I for one am looking forward to scrutinizing Rmoney's 1040 and supporting documents. Gingrich's tax returns were all but opaque, in that $2.5M of his $3M income last year came from a Subchapter S corporation he owns. To understand where Newt gets and spends, we'd have needed to see that S-corp's returns. Can't imagine we will.
If Rmoney's quarter-billion-dollar fortune is generating "only" four percent per year, he should be able to use the $10M in income to employ many more subtle strategies. And as prommie points out, the tithing issue is a lose-lose.
"Knowledge of my outrageous wealth obtained from the rape of the American corporation is very, very distracting!"
"Tax policy is the kind of thing that should be discussed in quiet rooms. The boardroomsof Goldman Sachs or Bank of America, for instance. Very quiet in those rooms, what with the plush carpeting and mahogany paneling, all your B-School and Harvard law classmates are there, and you can
decidebe told what's best for America in a measured, thoughtful way."I like "I'll do them on Tuesday", like he's going to sit down with a calculator and a pencil and figure out his deductions. If it gets really taxing (Ha!) he can always go to H and R Block, as poor people like himself sometimes do.
Calculator? Are you kidding? It takes parallel computing on par with Google to crank out all of that man's deductions and credits!
I am guilty of this "politics of envy" that those cretins speak of.
I have two nice little jerbs that I enjoy, but they pay for shit and have NO benefits. I had gigs at both of them on Friday. Both places closed, due to rain. Regular employees still pass Go and collect salary and benefits. I worry about prematurely celebrating getting "a lot" of work this month and taking The Spouse and The Spare out for tapas.
The Media can just sit back and relax. Newtie's boys will go over the Mittster's Returns with a fine toothed comb for days and days. They will examine them as one would if he were charged with picking fly shit out of pepper. Any items which could even remotely considered unflattering, much less improper, will be trumpeted to the fucking heavens by the anti-Romney wing (read nut-job) of the Grifting Old Party. They will study those returns with the same rapt attention a perv gives the butt-crack of an exotic dancer. It will be fun.
In the tax code, Section IX, paragraph 5, subpart 6-a through 6-345, states that if your total non-Cayman wealth is divided by .075% and reinvested within 60 days in non-taxable Swiss bonds, the lower interest writeoff (averaged over 10 years) may be converted to Chinese advance port fees setasides for vulture capitalists and therefore be exempt from U.S. taxes.
That's the America Mitt loves.
Meanwhile, I've already filed my 2011 taxes a week ago because I really fucking need the money!
Can Mitt relate?
The ironic thing is that Newt wants to eliminate the cap gains tax entirely; that would mean that Romney would pay virtually no federal income tax at all. (mimics manic laughter from "Yellow Submarine").
Oooh …. question for Mittens:
"Do you support Mr. Gingrich's plan to eliminate taxes on capital gains, interest, and dividends?"
If "yes", shitstorm ensues on left.
If "no", shitstorm ensues on right.
Me? I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.
but why is the rum gone?
captain jack sparrow
apropos of not very much except i would rather spend my time looking at POTC clips than listening to anything republican.
The interesting thing to see is whether Mittbot is a good follower of Moron-I and gives exactly 10% of his income as "charity" to Mormon Inc. and 0% to any real charity. Will the other GOP wingnuts dare to attack such behaviour?
No, but I thought you might enjoy thinking about it whilst slurping Top Ramen.
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