Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama

 
 That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after thelasthistoric moment for Gingrich? That was when he "became the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for his ethics violations by his own colleagues," a violation that cost the Newt $300,000 in penalties -- enough to buy a suitcase of tacky Tiffany bling for at least one more new adulteress!

7: 52 PM -- With just 123 of 2,136 precincts reporting, CBS News and some other lamestream media outfits are calling it for the white-capped sleaze piglet.

7: 55 PM -- Near opposites Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are battling for the meaningless third-place finish, while Mormon billionaire foreigner Mitt Romney is somehow in second place with 31% to Gingrich's current 38%.

7: 59 PM -- Mitt Romney celebrated by ritually washing his magic underwear, while having his servants decorate a sheet cake for Gingrich, in honor of the fifteenth anniversary of Newt's ethics crimes conviction. 

8: 06 PM -- With 11% of the precincts reporting by KKK pony express, the Newt is now up to 39.5% with 26,382 votes. Magical Mitt is below 28% now, with 18,539 votes. Michele Bachmann has 94 votes ... so far!

8: 12 PM -- A terrible John Cougar song from about 1985 is now blasting at Gingrich HQ. We bet Newt had sex with one of his mistresses to this song, while getting divorced again.

8: 15 PM -- No cable channels are streaming this on the Internets? MSNBC's live feed is inactive, CNN has nothing, FoxNews is promising live streams from the various campaign headquarters in S.C., and each stalled video feed begins with a bizarre "CMT Funny Hillbilly Show" commercial. This is actually painful.

8: 19 PM -- Romney is moving onward, maybe somewhere nice, where the people aren't such Jesus freaks?

8: 20 PM -- Mittens only got a fifth of the evangelical vote. So that should put him, total, at 20%.

8: 21 PM -- And Ron Paul just cut off Sarah Palin's "analysis" on the Fox News. Go Ron Paul!

8: 23 PM -- Wonkette alum Juli Weiner reports that Newt's victory DJ is playing nothin' but classic party sex music. 

8: 24 PM -- So, Newt Gingrich! The nominee? Could America getthat lucky? That's luckier than a Gingrich staffer gal the day the Viagra package arrives!

8: 26 PM -- With 30% reporting, the Newt has topped 40%. This is devastating for these other clowns.

8: 31 PM -- We are reduced to watching the POLITICO livestream. Jesus, we could do a better election night broadcast by pointing our webcam at the refrigerator.

8: 36 PM -- We forgot to sayGracias(Mormon for THX) to star commenter savethispatient for directing us to an MSNBC livefeed that actually works tonight, for us, here in the auxiliary newsroom with no teevee.

8: 40 PM -- Rick Santorum looks awfully fucking smug for a guy who just lost the evangelical wingnut vote to a thrice-married hump whale and a space-alien Mexican.

8: 40 PM -- The handsome young dude over Rick's right shoulder is actually the same one who was Scary Potter in 2006. How they grow! Our own Liz Colville says the elder Santorum daughter looks like the "half perm" actresses from some popular yuppie show about British people having affairs in World War I.

8: 40 PM -- Santorum is quitting. Is he? It sounds like he's quitting. It sounds like he has to sit around a kitchen table some more, with his family, so they can get him back to some coal lobbying job. Those half-perms aren't free!

8: 46 PM -- Nate Silver notes that since 1980, every GOP winner in the South Carolina primary has become the nominee. Thirty-two years of dumb tradition is on Newt's side! (Also, eight elections total.)

8: 48 PM -- More importantly, this editor has been covering presidential campaigns since the year 2000 by typing things while other people typed into weird chat rooms, like this one going right now alongside the MSNBC feed:

hodorhodorhodorhodor: Rick is going home after Florida

sejanus2x: no

banthegop: wrong....we've seen government that doesn't care....it's called CONSERVATIVE government

justling: fake robotic and an opportunist of the highest order...people see gthis

boulderbee: yeeeeeeaaaaaagh!

raguspag: FLORIDA HAS LOTS OF MEXICANS , THEYLL VOTE FOR ANYONE CATHOLIC

kafkavert: cuban americans are very catholic

sejanus2x: um, lol

raguspag: how many daughters does he have, they look hot

9: 05 PM -- With 65% of precincts reporting, the Newt maintains his 40.7% win. Romney won in the "big cities," but even in Charleston and Columbia he's not getting a majority.

9: 05 PM -- Okay, we will be back later, have fun! Enjoy your NIGHTMARES OF NEWT.

9: 09 PM -- Haha, did Santorum just getglitter-bombed? Couldn't happen to a gayer dude.

9: 14 PM -- Speaking of, did that child rapist football guy die in Pennsylvania or something? We do not "follow sports," obviously.