liveblogging the confederate primary

Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama

Love the pig you're with.That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after the last historic moment for Gingrich? That was when he “became the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for his ethics violations by his own colleagues,” a violation that cost the Newt $300,000 in penalties — enough to buy a suitcase of tacky Tiffany bling for at least one more new adulteress!

7:52 PM — With just 123 of 2,136 precincts reporting, CBS News and some other lamestream media outfits are calling it for the white-capped sleaze piglet.
7:55 PM — Near opposites Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are battling for the meaningless third-place finish, while Mormon billionaire foreigner Mitt Romney is somehow in second place with 31% to Gingrich’s current 38%.
7:59 PM — Mitt Romney celebrated by ritually washing his magic underwear, while having his servants decorate a sheet cake for Gingrich, in honor of the fifteenth anniversary of Newt’s ethics crimes conviction.
8:06 PM — With 11% of the precincts reporting by KKK pony express, the Newt is now up to 39.5% with 26,382 votes. Magical Mitt is below 28% now, with 18,539 votes. Michele Bachmann has 94 votes … so far!
8:12 PM — A terrible John Cougar song from about 1985 is now blasting at Gingrich HQ. We bet Newt had sex with one of his mistresses to this song, while getting divorced again.
8:15 PM — No cable channels are streaming this on the Internets? MSNBC’s live feed is inactive, CNN has nothing, FoxNews is promising live streams from the various campaign headquarters in S.C., and each stalled video feed begins with a bizarre “CMT Funny Hillbilly Show” commercial. This is actually painful.
8:19 PM — Romney is moving onward, maybe somewhere nice, where the people aren’t such Jesus freaks?
8:20 PM — Mittens only got a fifth of the evangelical vote. So that should put him, total, at 20%.
8:21 PM — And Ron Paul just cut off Sarah Palin’s “analysis” on the Fox News. Go Ron Paul!
8:23 PM — Wonkette alum Juli Weiner reports that Newt’s victory DJ is playing nothin’ but classic party sex music.
8:24 PM — So, Newt Gingrich! The nominee? Could America get that lucky? That’s luckier than a Gingrich staffer gal the day the Viagra package arrives!
8:26 PM — With 30% reporting, the Newt has topped 40%. This is devastating for these other clowns.
8:31 PM — We are reduced to watching the POLITICO livestream. Jesus, we could do a better election night broadcast by pointing our webcam at the refrigerator.
8:36 PM — We forgot to say Gracias (Mormon for THX) to star commenter savethispatient for directing us to an MSNBC livefeed that actually works tonight, for us, here in the auxiliary newsroom with no teevee.
8:40 PM — Rick Santorum looks awfully fucking smug for a guy who just lost the evangelical wingnut vote to a thrice-married hump whale and a space-alien Mexican.
8:40 PM — The handsome young dude over Rick’s right shoulder is actually the same one who was Scary Potter in 2006. How they grow! Our own Liz Colville says the elder Santorum daughter looks like the “half perm” actresses from some popular yuppie show about British people having affairs in World War I.
8:40 PM — Santorum is quitting. Is he? It sounds like he’s quitting. It sounds like he has to sit around a kitchen table some more, with his family, so they can get him back to some coal lobbying job. Those half-perms aren’t free!
8:46 PM — Nate Silver notes that since 1980, every GOP winner in the South Carolina primary has become the nominee. Thirty-two years of dumb tradition is on Newt’s side! (Also, eight elections total.)
8:48 PM — More importantly, this editor has been covering presidential campaigns since the year 2000 by typing things while other people typed into weird chat rooms, like this one going right now alongside the MSNBC feed:

hodorhodorhodorhodor: Rick is going home after Florida

sejanus2x: no

banthegop: wrong….we’ve seen government that doesn’t care….it’s called CONSERVATIVE government

Sponsored Video

justling: fake robotic and an opportunist of the highest order…people see gthis

boulderbee: yeeeeeeaaaaaagh!

raguspag: FLORIDA HAS LOTS OF MEXICANS , THEYLL VOTE FOR ANYONE CATHOLIC

kafkavert: cuban americans are very catholic

sejanus2x: um, lol

raguspag: how many daughters does he have, they look hot

9:05 PM — With 65% of precincts reporting, the Newt maintains his 40.7% win. Romney won in the “big cities,” but even in Charleston and Columbia he’s not getting a majority.
9:05 PM — Okay, we will be back later, have fun! Enjoy your NIGHTMARES OF NEWT.
9:09 PM — Haha, did Santorum just get glitter-bombed? Couldn’t happen to a gayer dude.

Once again.
9:14 PM — Speaking of, did that child rapist football guy die in Pennsylvania or something? We do not “follow sports,” obviously.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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1,350 comments

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, the people of South Carolina. Let's not forget that they have a long tradition of electing adulterers (Strom Thurman, Mark Sandford).

  1. Limeylizzie

    Mitt's concession speech is so weird, it's basically his stump speech but sans charisma and passion.

          1. Limeylizzie

            He also has a hideous lip-smacking thing at the end of a sentence, watch for that, it will now drive you insane.

          2. MittBorg

            How can you tell, when he has no lips to speak of? Or with, or through, or whatever one uses on those hideous squirming wormlike ridges of muscle.

          3. MittBorg

            I *know* that's not true. "Liver lips" are what people usually say deprecatingly to us fuller-lipped people of colour. No, this is like George W. and his Daddy and Mittens — no real lips at all, just thin pink earthworm-like ridges of muscle writhing around on their faces.

          4. MittBorg

            I regret that I am not so fortunate to count any African among my ancestors. No, I am not Blah. However, I do love all things blah, and rejoice in the blahness of all. You seem surprised.

          5. Dashboard_Jesus

            aw heck no I'm not surprised, I was just jealous for a minute…I'm rather tired of my own pasty white Irish skin and would welcome a little blah-ness, it might even help with my dancin'

          6. MittBorg

            I think I'd call myself a brown. But I always resented that my parents got in on that big movement Out of Africa, you know, way back in the beginnings of humanity. I could have been born with long muscular legs and perfect teeth and skin as smooth and close-grained as satin and the colour of an eggplant, and hair like a halo, with a life of its own. I coulda been a famous runner! Dammit, Momz! I coulda been a contendah!

            Instead I'm a short pudgy person with a gimpy knee. Whatever, I guess.

          7. Geminisunmars

            I couldn't decide whether to say "and with a heart of gold" or "and with a black heart". The good kind of black heart.

          8. HistoriCat

            In explaining to my 4 year old about Martin Luther King Jr day, we told her that white people used to not be nice to black people (we'll wait for the awfulness of reality to catch up to her before becoming more nuanced). She declared that "silly – there's no white people or black people. Only brown people and beige people."

            Obviously she knows nothing about the Republican presidential candidates.

          9. MittBorg

            Aww! That is SO sweet. Kids don't know about racism, or any isms. Give her a big hug for me for being such a wonderful little light in the world. It's hard to have to tell those trusting little faces that there are people in the world who will hurt other people for such trivila reasons as the melanin content of their integuments. (Hugs the HistoriKitten again)

          10. Rotundo_

            Turnip Libel!!! A bushel of turnips can be dazzling by comparison to Mittens! A little wax here, polish them up a bit and you really have something with substance.

          11. finallyhappy

            Absolutely – turnips are an awesome vegetable – but I think rutabagas come pre-waxed(buy local or organic- no wax!)

        1. finallyhappy

          met him, met Wesley Crusher, Q and the original Spock(not that this has anything to do with the discussion)

    1. tessiee

      "Mitt's concession speech is … basically his stump speech but sans charisma and passion."

      i.e., his stump speech.

  2. Biff

    When the revised results come in in about 2 weeks in favor of Ron Paul, I wonder what historic landmark that will signify? Seems no matter what happens or who wins it's historic, and I for one will NOT welcome a ne historian overlord.

        1. Negropolis

          That's assuming that Mittbot's creator(s) made him anatomically correct. And, if he is actually an alien – as is the other hypothesis about his origin – his sensitive Mittbits may be located somewhere else on/in his body, entirely.

          1. mayor_quimby

            They're definitely internal, much more efficient than external dangly bits. That's one of gods well known design flaws.

          2. Negropolis

            God corrected the design flaw when he made the wimmenz, no doubt. Why in the world would you put our weakness on the outside?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Mitt is uncomfortable and disliked, as Nixon was, but he is not as fundamentally foul-minded as the Trickster. Nixon could sell commie-baiting with gusto; Mitt is a Money Wing guy in fake and unconvincing Wingnut drag. While Mitt is a MorMan who made his money the Blue Blood way, Nixon made his little bit of money, ironically, by cultivating crazy MorMen and skeezy characters like Bebe Rebozo. Mitt is "handsome", also, where Nixon had all the sex appeal of Moe from the Three Stooges.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      For some reason, I don't think Romney will be doing his equivalent to Nixon's Checkers speech anytime soon, though.

  3. chascates

    Now Palin will think it was her kind-of endorsement that did it for Gingrich and she'll expect to be made Secretary of Law or something.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      Oh, Newton's already promised her something. He's said as much. Where's the most grift and the least news interviews….Secretary of the Interior.

    2. Negropolis

      He should do something totally ironic and make her Secretary of Family Planning or government ethics czar or some shit.

    1. NellCote71

      Michelle is one lucky woman. Consider this plus with the night after bin laden and the night after Gaddhalfi and the night . . .

  4. CountryClubJihadi

    I had no ida that Mitt's children were Tuesday Addams and Eddie Munster. But the other Romney son looks like a coked out Christopher from the Sopranos. Serious crazy eyes.

  5. angerbear

    But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
    Feed’st thy light’st flame with self-substantial fuel,
    Making a famine where abundance lies,
    Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
    Thou that art now the world’s fresh ornament
    And only herald to the gaudy spring,
    Within thine own bud buriest thy content
    And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
    Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
    To eat the world’s due, by the grave and thee.

    Holy balls–Shakespeare tried to warn us about Newt, but we wouldn't listen!!

  6. OC_Surf_Serf

    The battle goes on to Florida.

    By the way, I love it when its all hot and moist down there. And I like Florida, too.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          You are referring, Mz/r, to the limp eastward penis of the American coast, so please use your inside voice…

        2. snackypants

          After reflecting on it overnight, I believe it is "Florida: America's Overflowing Colostomy Bag."

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Fortunately it doesn't matter to these guys. They just keep driving forward, over the cliff.

  7. Chichikovovich

    When I think of Newt being the nominee I get all tingly. It's hard to imagine places like Utah and Wyoming going Democratic, but that could do it. Obama could be the first presidential candidate since George Washington to win every single elector.

    1. paris biltong

      Beware of overestimating the US electorate's intelligence. The most recent landslide that springs to mind is 1964, when a crazy conservative was convincingly beaten by a Texan asshole. In retrospect, Goldwater seems more innocuous today and Lyndon Johnson has acquired an aura of his own, but what attracts people to Gingrich today is perhaps similar to what they liked in Johnson then: that he's as grossly crude and unethical as they are.

      1. Chichikovovich

        It's not so much people's intelligence that is at issue, but their ability to recognize a train wreck when it happens before their eyes, which is what I'm confident a national Newt campaign would be.

        Right now Newt is buoyed by support from evangelicals, who make up a huge slice of the Republican hard-core, especially in places like SC. He has cultivated their leaders carefully over many years, he knows how to speak their code, and they have a repeatedly demonstrated willingness to accept the most greasy, despicable behavior as long as the greasy, despicable behaver loudly claims the unconditional get-out-of-sin-free lambs-blood bath that comes with saying "I did terrible, terrible things during a period when I had separated myself from God. But went humbly to the Savior and said "Sorry, man. I'll be good now, I promise. Mostly. With occasional backsliding, but you know how imProvidential we non-Divine types can be. Resist everything but temptation, knowatImean? Still, I think you'll find the bottom line in order: I absolutely believe that stuff about the crucifixion and resurrection, that You and God the Father are one, etc. So that's it, right? We're done here?" and he said: "Yep. Account square. Go and sin no more, except when you can't help it. See you in heaven, good buddy." So if you want to keep harping on the youthful indiscretions that happened [passive voice] when I was in my late 50s, take it up with Jesus."

        [Though apparently even this gilt-edged maneuver isn't working nearly so well with Republican women as with men. Who could have predicted?]

        Non-Evangelicals aren't so forgiving, and tend to regard this little dance as evident bullshit. And since Newt has thrown himself in front of every camera/microphone within sight for decades, there is a lot of material of him rabbiting on about the importance of character, how Clinton's behavior undercuts his fitness to be president, etc. A Fort Knox of material for negative ads, run by arms-length superPACs.

        Of course, as Bush showed, an affable candidate who is disciplined about staying on message can skate by many problems. The way his team nullified the "Awol from the Texas National Guard" problem, bagging Dan Rather as an extra bonus, was just breathtakingly clever. Bush didn't have nearly as many archival missteps on tape to overcome, but more importantly Gingrich isn't disciplined. He is too much in love with his own risible self-conception as an "ideas man". When he's put under pressure, he will suddenly veer off script and say something self-damaging, and condescending to boot. As witness last week, when he might as well have burst into the "Internationale" on stage, and then backtracked madly when big donors called and threatened to change the combination to the locks on the money-bins. What did he think was going to happen? Also, Bush ran the "ordinary guy" act like a pro. Newt can't stop himself from talking down to his audience.

        You're right that the most recent landslides have had Democrats as the victims, and the Johnson/Goldwater landslide is a poor comparison to this anticipated race in all sorts of ways. (Kennedy recently assassinated, widespread worries about nuclear war making people nervous about Goldwater's bellicose rhetoric, Nixon's Southern strategy not yet implemented, but even so Goldwater took the most of the South.) I'm imagining something more like a right-wing version of McGovern-Nixon. Incumbent versus someone on the hard right/left of his party, campaign dogged from the start by catastrophic unforced errors (Eagleton, "behind 1000%", etc.)

        Newt's been able to pick up enough votes among the 27%ers to get a plurality in a primary where 27%ers are heavily represented, profiting also from the disappearance of Bachmann and the disappearance/endorsement of Perry, but I can't see his act flying in a national campaign. A few months ago, establishment Republican people like George Will and Bobo were speaking of Newt with open contempt. They'll naturally fall into line if Newt becomes the nominee, but I doubt that they will have much enthusiasm.

        'Course I've been wrong about this sort of thing many times before. Even after 25 years here, I still can't believe how people like Newt can get away with saying that Black people are poor because they're ignorant and lazy, but as President, Gingrich would teach them how to get jobs and make them want jobs. Evidently I retain a lot of tone-deafness toward widespread American attitudes.

        So if Newt becomes the nominee, I'll be carrying my recently renewed Canadian passport with me at all times.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          I think a lot of our "horror" about the SC result should be tempered by the fact that only the Republicans contested there, and Obama won the primary in 2008. We are looking at only half (or much less) of the electorate in these 2012 contests.

          1. MittBorg

            Also, too, latest reports are stating that Stephen Colbert's Rally in SC outdrew all Republican rallies in the State. That sounds like good news right there. There may be lots of idiots in SC, but pls not to forget that they almost had a Democrat for Governor — Vince Sheheen, who pulled a pretty respectable chunk of votes despite the fact that Haley was a protege of Stanford, the previous governor.

        2. sewollef

          I want to say, 'me too' with my recently renewed Brit passport…. but the problem with that is, Newt as President, with the backing of evenjellycal nutcases might launch preemptive nastiness on Euro soil. I'd rather be somewhere else if that should happen.

          It might — on balance — be safer to be in the belly of the beast.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        RPerry sez "Newt is not perfect but who among us is? The fact is that there is forgiveness for those who seek God…" but what about those among us who are ALREADY looking for wife #4? sweet holy jeebus how many hypocritcal phony Xtain douchebags do they have room for in the Repugnant Party? (i know, I know…"ALL of them Katie")

  8. AnAmericanInTO

    Today on Up! With Chris Hayes, still the most awesome, pastry-filled show to DVR on weekend mornings and watch much, much later, Chris called Newtie a full on racist and it was a glorious thing.
    http://tiny.cc/gxwcf

    1. BarackMyWorld

      "So racist it makes me want to curse on-air."

      Me too!

      I also would like for Chris to curse on air.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      funny how all the Repugnants are so PROUD to flaunt their bigotry and racism in front of their ignorant brain dead 'supporters'…it's who they are, it's what they do

      1. AnAmericanInTO

        During the discussion, there are plates of breakfast treats on the table and occasionally you can catch a panelist sneaking something. Once, I believe on Christmas Eve, Chris's mom made banana bread for the show.

        More roundtable shows should have snacks. More snacks and less yelling.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      I LOVE that program. Did you see Melissa Harris-Perry drill Gary Johnson with the cold stare of death when he was dissing unions. I thought his head was gonna splode. I also love how, when someone asks Chris a question he wasn't expecting, his eyes roll up like he's trying to see his brain. Too cute.

    4. Negropolis

      I happened to catch the show, this morning, and my opinion of Elliot Spitzer fell totally through the floor. He was spouting on about how Citizens United was decided perfectly, and how he wouldn't like his "free speech" stiffled…it was worse than even some of the Republicans who ambivalently support the decision. The looks on MHP's face were priceless, and then the bastard interupted her the entire time she was trying to rebut him. What a fucking cad. Then Chris came in with MHP just out-and-out laying out the obvious about how Citizens United is different than the previous system, and Spitzer wasn't having it. Not because he couldn't understand them, but because he didn't want to. Smug bastard.

      I was once of the progressive opinion that Wall Street took him down because of his work. It's more clear now than ever that it wasn't his policies they didn't like, but his style, because, honestly, it appears that they were scratching each other's respective backs.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Rest easy. If Newt were to win the election there'd be a Mrs. Gingrich Mark IV rolled out before Inauguration day. It would take at least a few years for life with Newt to Callistify her.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      well this jesus says "be not afraid my son" for it will NEVER happen in a million years, this lying, hypocritcal, phony Xtain corporate whore scumbag ain't getting anywhere CLOSE to the White House

    3. YasserArraFeck

      Who better to restore that building's laudable whiteness after four years of Kenyan occupation, but the world's whitest couple, the Georgia GorgeRiser and the Porcelain Pinnochia.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Well, Republicans DID warn us if the Clinton tax increase passed it would wreck the economy, so…there's that. Wait, it did pass? Well…ok, then.

  9. SorosBot

    Man, I step out for a quick trip to the grocery store on a Saturday night and Wonkette's exploded; over a hundred new comments to get through.

      1. SorosBot

        Bread cheese & lunchmeat to make sammiches, some microwave meals, soda and butter.

        Oh and steuf for spagethi and cakes we like.

        1. Barb

          Eternity is two people and a ham. I made bean soup to get rid of that damned ham. Like an idiot, I am thawing out a turkey. Yeah, I won't get sick of that quickly.

          Speaking of thawing turkeys, the next campaign stop is Florida, eh?

          1. tessiee

            "Eternity is two people and a ham. I made bean soup to get rid of that damned ham."

            One year, the former Mr. Tessie and I made a ham for Thanksgiving. After several days, we got to the point of "if I have to eat ham one more time, I'll kill you, and then myself", and there was at least three-quarters of the ham left. At that point, TFMT got the bright idea to cut up the remaining ham into single portions and put it all in the freezer, to be thawed as needed.

            Credit where it's due, the man was intelligent.

          2. Barb

            We have a black lab who lives next door who gets our leftovers. She's happy and the size of a horse. Jeff and I lean on the wall that separates us from our neighbor and pretend to talk as we are dropping chunks of leftover dinner, "la, la, la."

            I was one of nine children and I should learn to cook for just two people. Nothing exceed like excess.

          3. SorosBot

            Nine? Holy shit; I don't even have that many first cousins and cannot image what growing up with that many siblings was like.

          4. SorosBot

            Catholic?

            And here I thought my cousin who had five kids over twenty years was insane (though that was one kid, divorce, remarry, then four kids over six years).

          1. SorosBot

            No, I hit the liquor store earlier in the day; this was the grocery store. And you can't buy alcohol in the grocery store in Pennsylvania.

          1. MittBorg

            That's nice. No sense in hanging on to old grudges. Besides, y'all must've seen *some*thing good in each other once, right? I stay in touch with all my many exes, and we're mostly pretty good friends.

          2. SorosBot

            Yeah, one of my exes used to be my best friend, and the person I trusted most despite our strained sexual past. (Then she died; but that's another, sadder story).

          3. SorosBot

            Thanks; it was a while ago now, but I do still miss her, and wonder if there was more I could have done to save her – she was an alcoholic, and basically drank herself to death.

          4. MittBorg

            Rest assured, there is nothing you can do to save your friends from their addictions. An addict can only recover when they can admit their addiction. You are a fine human being, and were probably as good a friend to her as she could have hoped for. I'm very sorry that she took that path.

          5. SorosBot

            Thanks a lot; that really does help. And I don't know why I'm suddenly dwelling on her; it was three years ago now.

            But I still wish I could have helped her, somehow. Or someone else could have helped her. It's the endless game of second-guessing.

          6. Dashboard_Jesus

            amen brother, one of my exes is currently drinking/ drugging herself to death in S. Florida and I understand how painful that can be wishing I coulda/ shoulda done something more to help her (a wise friend told me not to 'should' on myself!) …I'm really sad tho for her daughter who is quite angry/ bitter about it, watching your own momma self-destruct is something no child should have to bear…peace be with you

          7. Geminisunmars

            Dear DJ, my older brother and best friend killed himself with alcohol 8 years ago this month. I was so angry with him for taking himself out of my life. He was my only sibling. It is still painful. But I work on forgiving him because I know he had enormous pain – pain that he was trying to cover up with anesthesia, and the shame of being addicted. Oh hell, don't know what I'm trying to convey to you. Just hugs.

          8. MittBorg

            My dear, I'm so sorry. (Hugs you)

            Suicide is the last resort of the suffering. And alcoholism, or any other kind of deadly addiction, is just slow suicide. He didn't mean to hurt you by leaving. He just couldn't cope any more, dear. Consider yourself held very close.

          9. Dashboard_Jesus

            MB said it best, it's so hard to see someone you love self-destructing by using a substance to numb whatever pain they are feeling…hell most of us know the pain of being human in this crazy fucked up world and trying to make sense of all the bullshit that is thrown our way…funny how much easier it would be if we could all learn to love each other unconditionally and to work together for the happiness of ALL our brothers and sisters…it's one of the reasons why this nice Irish Catholic boy turned to the compassion and honesty of Buddhism (don't tell Dad!) to help guide my way, and being here on the Wonkettes DEFINITELY helped to preserve my sanity during the long, dark years of the Cheney/ Bush clusterfuck…an Indian saint/ guru said it best I think, "It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society" ~ J. Krishnamurti

          10. MittBorg

            If I'm not mistaken, you have just over the past week or so connected with another human being in the same intimiate and vulnerable way that you once connected with your ex. Naturally, your thoughts turn to similar occasions. We all desire connection, but connection is a moment of exquisite vulnerability, my friend. It takes great courage and faith in oneself to leap into the abyss and let come what may.

          11. MittBorg

            And I know you know that you have an abiding place in my heart, dear whoeveryouare. (Hugs you fondly)

            I am very pleased to have your friendship.

          12. Dashboard_Jesus

            well said MB, I believe we strive for the most basic connection of love for ourselves and our fellow human beings from the day we are born, it's so simple yet many things transpire in the collective unconscious of 'humanity' that we are thrust into that lead us away from this basic truth…one of my favorite Buddhist monks gave me this most excellent teaching that I try to use as a daily mantra/ prayer, namaste…"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness" ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

          13. Biff

            I only count two exes in the "not friends" category, and only one of those do I hate with the white hot intensity of a thousand sunlamps. The other would be on "ignore" status, had she not taken up with my next-door neighbor.

          14. MittBorg

            You'd have to be a saint not to have at least one in that category. I have one too, but I don't think of the jerk often, which permits me to maintain my status as a human being of generally noble sentiments.

            I really do not like that lady for doing that to you. That is stone-cold cold. If she ever drops by complaining of mysterious headaches and pains, you can smile and rub your hands in glee. (Not in *front* of her, of course.) I'll see if I can have her reincarnate as a cockroach.

          15. Loaded_Pants

            One of my best friends happens to be an ex. Though we are miles apart, we still keep in touch. He still lives in the small town where I met him, where he now lives with a wonderful partner.

            I've only had two exes that were truly awful. The first hit me once. I broke it off right then & there. The 2nd was really jealous & just wanted me to stay in my apt. to await his glorious appearance to visit me on his days off. I went out once to a club with my friends without him (didn't even flirt with anyone–just sat at the same table like a zombie all night & didn't even get on the dancefloor). He found out about it, showed up at my apt. & called me something I could not forgive him for. Then he had the gall to harass me with endless phone calls for weeks afterward trying to convince me we should get back together.
            He never even apologized for his insult.

          16. Biff

            I can't envision any circumstances under which I would have words, or any other contact with her again, ever. No hatred, she's just dead to me.

  10. Texan_Bulldog

    "Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations"

    Oh, Ken…that is beyond awesome! Mitt might want to hire you to write his press releases.

  11. OneDollarJuana

    Let's face it. The South hates carpetbaggers more than they hate their own Sons of the South who repeatedly, and with glee, fuck them over, again, and again, and again. More clearly every day it is apparent that the Union forces won a Pyrrhic victory, and indeed, worse than that. Be careful what you ask for; the North wanted a Union. They got it. Now we are united with people whose sole goal it seems is to destroy the United States through aggressive ignorance and even more aggressive belief in evil fairy tales.

    1. SorosBot

      It's all the fault of Rutherford B. Hayes, who agreed to end Reconstruction in exchange for the Presidency; under Ulysses S. Grant (who, btw, was a great President as well as a great general; smears by Confederate apologists ended up in the history books) it had been going well, and the Southerners were forced to behave, at the hands of Union troops, and black people were treated equally; then Hayes ended it and we had Jim Crow and the rise of the Klan.

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        Thank you! All quite true, and one reason that letting the losers get charged with writing the history of a war isn't a great idea if you want to avoid a second one.

    2. Negropolis

      Newt is the definition of a carpetbagger. The guy is from PA, Santorum Country. Newt didn't get down to Georgia until he was an adult, I believe, and Santorum, coicidentally didn't get to PA (via Virginia) until his late teens/early 20's.

    3. tessiee

      "Be careful what you ask for; the North wanted a Union. They got it. Now we are united with people whose sole goal it seems is to destroy the United States through aggressive ignorance and even more aggressive belief in evil fairy tales."

      Letter perfect, and well worth the sad it gives me to read it.

    4. Dashboard_Jesus

      funny, just last night I heard some bright young feller from California call in to a favorite librul talk show asking why we can't just cut these fuckers free once and for all since they have NO interest in a progressive democracy that actually serves the people, plus the fact that ALL of these Southern red states are welfare queens, sucking in more Fed tax dollars than they pay in (and that's not even counting al the Dept of War military bases that their scumbag reps have sucking off our collective teat) They want their fucking FREEDUMB! they can fucking have it, begone already

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Sigh. Once again, we can't do that because the country isn't actually put together that way. Every state is a patchwork of blue and red counties and pockets of different ethnicities, backgrounds and socio-economic strata. (Some politician or other spoke to this very eloquently in 2004, who was that?) At the very least, I personally would demand that the southern Black Belt be it's own independent nation.

        1. tessiee

          "Some politician or other spoke to this very eloquently in 2004, who was that?"

          Hitl–?
          Oh, no, wait — that can't be right.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    To be fair, Sam Rayburn was probably a bigger crook than Gingrich, just no body complained because he was smart enough to cut others a piece of his bribery gravy train.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Both crooks? Yes, I suppose that's true. But Sam Rayburn was a hard, ruthless man of few words who did what was necessary to take care of business, and Gingrich is a pompous, bloviating, undisciplined, whiny-ass crybaby poon-addicted weasel.

      Given the choice, I guess it's Rayburn for me every time.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Back when OK's Sen. Kerr was with Sam R. and LBJ, barreling over the sagebrush, tossing their empties out his Cadillac convertible, we got federal investment money.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Now they call federal investment money "interfering." I look forward to the return of hookworm in these parts.

          1. Nostrildamus

            Oh take me back to the Swanee,
            Where pellagra makes ya' scrawny,
            And the jasmine and the tear gas
            Smell just fine.

  13. OC_Surf_Serf

    White, womanizing, racist asshole wins in the State where the Civil War started.

    Water is wet, popes shit in the woods, Strom Thurmond had a black child, etc. etc.

  14. NorbertsRevenge

    While it would be nice to think that the Powers That Be just shat their pants, on second thought I'm sure they can cope with another 4 years of radical Kenyan Marxist Socialism.

  15. gogogodzilla

    Mencken: "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      True enough. History shows that when a royal family or totalitarian party doesn't provide a big enough idiot to satisfy people they'll find one themselves.

  16. Puffperney

    Of course, this was the same state that allowed itself to be baited by Lincoln into firing on Ft. Sumter. Not surprising that their emotional ideation of Gingrich and Obama debating overrode the electibility factor.

  17. ttommyunger

    It is to larf! Serial adulterer and hypocrite extraordinaire wins in the Buckle of the Bible Belt. I love it, I just fucking love it.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      The biggest hypocrites with the smoothest tongues come from Dixieland. Or, in Newt's case, the most pandering.

      1. ttommyunger

        Oh he's a smooth-talker, all right. Only problem is, his voice, like Palin's, gives me the fucking heebe-jeebies.

        1. LetUsBray

          Seriously, he sounds like Kermit the Frog's evil twin. Or more accurately, the unholy Mutant Spawn of Kermit and Miss Piggy.

  18. Dashboard Buddha

    Man….this is Xmas in January. Neither Mitt or Newt can continue without ramping up the crazy. Every bizarre sound bite will like candy to the Obama campaign. Granted, I'm not the Obama fan I used to be, but I will probably enjoy voting for him in the fall.

  19. Pres.Beeblebrox

    Hey, so Santorum is speaking and I just totally had a flashback to that fateful nite in, um, was it 2006 when his entire family went on stage and had a sad. That photo is forever etched in my mind…

  20. Callyson

    The frothy mix should know better than to wag his finger like that. Makes him look like a schoolmarm…more so.

  21. chascates

    Bachmann still got 213 votes. Do some people in South Carolina have no access to running water either?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      When you've decided to stay in the 18th century, no matter what, you have to make certain concessions.

    1. Guppy

      In South Carolina, even the "hallowed halls of democracy" have trashed furniture in the front yard.

      Does the state house have a Trans Camero on cinder blocks in front?

  22. Callyson

    Again with the it takes a village vs it takes a family. Apparently, Santorum is unaware that families live in villages, meaning that Hillary never meant that families did not count: she simply made the obvious observance that societies influence child development too.
    Moran.

    1. Biff

      I'm beginning to think the only "Countdown" he's thinking about is to the end of his Current contract.
      (See what I did there?)

  23. chascates

    CBS:
    Former Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno, who is battling lung cancer, is near death, The Citizens’ Voice reports.

    Wow, Newt's surprise victory really hit some people hard!

  24. SorosBot

    Satorum, you are the most anti-choice candidate in the race. How dare you say you're defending fundamental freedoms when you hate freedom. HOW DARE YOU!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      He meant the freedom for PA citizens to pay for his kids' schooling no matter what state their school is in.

      1. MissNancyPriss

        What I wouldn't give for one of these pussy debate moderators to ask that frothy fckface about his gaming the PA school system.

    2. bikerlaureate

      Some free-dums are more fundamental than others.

      Straight white Xtians put the 'duh' in fundamental, BTW.

  25. weej_bain

    We are reduced to watching the POLITICO livestream. Jesus, we could do a better election night broadcast by pointing our webcam at the refrigerator.

    Ken, are you honestly surprised? Really and for true?????

    LSM mantra: All the newz that fits we shit.

  26. SorosBot

    Oh, and your grandfather had a lot more sense than you; his working-class values included supporting Communism, which is why he fled the fascists.

  27. Callyson

    As a Pittsburgh native, I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off that Santorum goes on about how he is from the area. That fucker left long ago (thank God) but not without taking $100K from an economical­ly struggling PA school district to home school his kids while he lived in Virginia?
    There is a reason Allegheny County (that's where Pittsburgh is located for those of you who aren't from there) voted 70% for Bob Casey in 2006…

    1. Schmegeg

      Thank you Bob Casey. I have no doubt Rick would be flying high in this race if he had won in 2006.

      1. SorosBot

        Though he's better than Santorum, and I voted for him in 2006 after voting against him in the primary, I don't think I can go so far as to say "thank you" to that practically-a-Republican ass; he is, for one, possibly the highest profile Dem who believes the government should be allowed to control women's uteruses.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          L'Borto? Sacreligio!

          Bob Casey is just another cafeteria Catholic, with an hard-on over abortion & blinders for war & paedophilia.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Clearly, his dick is numb. Otherwise he wouldn't be so strict about sexual relations being only for procreation, and he wouldn't be so willing to club his constituents with it.

  28. chascates

    If he places 3rd in Florida he'll probably have to drop out. Newt vs Mittens. This could go on till May. I'll have to get a temp job to buy extra bourbon.

  29. SorosBot

    Um, Rick, your party does not want people to have the opportunity to rise in society; for that, we need higher taxes on the rich and more government spending.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Those kids can't even watch "Davey and Goliath" because one time Goliath suggested Davey do something nice for a poor person.

  30. SorosBot

    If you think marriage is so important, then why do you want to deny millions of Americans the right to get married?

  31. Puffperney

    So, how would that go exactly? First "other woman", First 'adulteress" (is that a word even?), First Homewrecker? ….the possibilities are limited only by the thesaurus and the urban dictionary.

  32. chascates

    I hoped they'd have Ron Paul's reaction but he probably just taped the Matlock rerun and went to bed early. About 8.

    1. Callyson

      They had it earlier. He yammered on and on about liberty and the gold standard, so you didn't miss anything.

  33. DustBowlBlues

    Oops. No time for the liveblog, except for waiting for Newt's Bombastic oratory, with which he will bless the little people.

    Rs really, really dislike Mitt, don't they?

    1. MittBorg

      More than I think most of us expected. Nate Silver finally conceded today (yesterday?) that there might be a thread of less-than-positive sentiment about Mitt.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The PACs that he's not coordinating with will do the dirty work for him.

      Thing is, in Florida, where they routinely elect known criminals to office, what good are negative ads? The ponderous TeeVee voice is going on and on about how candidate X tortures bunny rabbits and eats puppies alive, and the voters are all "yeah, well, whatever."

  34. Barb

    At Newt's HQ they are playing Prince's "Let's Party Like It's 1999" Hilarious!
    (that's the year he kissed the big boot)

        1. Negropolis

          I don't know. He's a staunch Jehovah's Witless, now, and they are truly stranger than Mormons, and more important, far more unpredictable. lol

          1. horsedreamer_1

            I remember PitchforkMedia, c. '02, having a newswire about Prince going door to door in suburban Minneapolis, during a Vikings game, & not getting any bites for Jehovah.

          2. tessiee

            OMG!!
            I remember that, but I can't remember who told me about it!:

            Guy in sweatpants sitting in recliner watching football game: Doorbell's ringing! Get the door!
            Wife [yelling from other room]: You get it!
            Guy: It's Prince!
            Wife: So let him in!
            Guy: But the GAME's on!

      1. HistoriCat

        Much like Elton John performing at Rushbo's wedding, amazing things can happen if there's money involved.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Damn. I heard this on Countdown and you beat me to it. Ham, turkey? Is that part of your brain that determines menus stuck somewhere between Thanksgiving and Easter?

          1. HistoriCat

            That's it – I am officially declaring you the sister I never had. Can I bring anything for the meal?

          2. tessiee

            "I'm making a full Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, lol."

            Are you a little late or a hell of a lot early?

          3. Barb

            Tessiee, I don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving. My husband and I are super kinky foodies and I can make a buffalo jump off a nickle. In November, when everyone is grabbing turkeys, I am grabbing half priced veal. As we drive home, I rub the receipt from the grocery store all over my body and whisper to my husband how much we saved.

  35. Callyson

    Oh God, Newt's victory speech is coming up. I was going to bail, but this train wreck is irresistible…

  36. C_R_Eature

    Florida will be a veritable Bloodbath of the Brain Cells. It's not getting any more Sane out there.

  37. chascates

    I start out with a splash of seltzer but end up with it straight. It's so much easier to finish the next morning that way.

  38. Barb

    I just Tweeted to Newt:
    Hey Newt! Pull out, zip up, go find Callista and get your hateful speech over with!

    Wonder if he'll answer? LOL!

  39. Designer_Rants

    I'm aprayin' ta GAWD that Newt Nasty wins the nom. We'll have to listen to one of these horrible things for the next 10 months. I prefer the sleazy-yet-smooth bloviating of a silver-haired genital wart over the shrill fritzing bleeps of a decommissioned NYSE traderbot.

    1. tessiee

      For someone who doesn't have one-tenth of one percent of any of the positive qualities of anyone here, and yet, somehow, is being seriously talked about as a Presidential candidate, he's amazingly cranky and pissy most of the time.

      We've all met someone like that — either annoyed or less annoyed — never pleased, never appreciative, never grateful.

  40. C_R_Eature

    Tweety just said VIBRAPHONE and EROGENOUS ZONES in a politically descriptive speech!

    I love politics.

  41. SorosBot

    According to the France 24 correspondent I'm watching now, Newt ran ads against Romney talking about his money, interspersed with clips of rappers flashing cash. Wow. And I thought his racist dog-whistles couldn't get any worse.

      1. SorosBot

        Because he has to try and couch the racist message with plausible deniability; but he knows who he's targetting.

        1. Guppy

          No no, Santorum is using the (im)plausible deniability. Newt's approach is more "bluster through any inconvenient questions."

          Did he ever actually deny asking for that open marriage?

          1. Designer_Rants

            Well, he said "Elite Media" is making "Decent" candidates not want to run for offices. I think he's right, if we only use Newt Gingrich's Decency as our sample size.

          2. PubOption

            No, and after hearing Newt's blustering attack on the media, the moderator just pocketed the bribe Newt gave him for asking the question, and didn't press for the facts.

    1. imissopus

      Maybe it was Newt's SuperPAC with which he is of course NOT coordinating or communicating in any way, and he'll be sure to do the honorable thing and denounce these heinous ads forthwith.

      Whew, made it all the way through typing that without laughing.

      1. SorosBot

        It isn't; it's supposed to just be an attack on Mitt, but by using rappers the subtext is that they are undeservingly rich, and telling white racists that Newt is one of them. I don't know if Newt is racist or just cynically courting the racist vote; but both are equally bad so it doesn't really matter.

        1. Nostrildamus

          Alternative interpretation: just put some negroes on the screen and the resulting spewing volcano of viewer hatred will attach itself to whatever's near by, in this case – Romney.

      2. Loaded_Pants

        Romney talking about his money is like black rappers flashing cash.
        Black rappers are black and so is you-know-who!
        Therefore, Romney is Obama!
        Vote Gingrich!

    1. Barb

      Just the thought of having to listen to him speak tonight has me worshiping at the Imodium podium. Jeffery won't change the channel.

      1. weej_bain

        Barb, although it means 10 moar months of having to listen to his arrogant blather, if Newt gets the nod, the Rethugs can kiss the House goodbye. Give Jeffery our best, I have to head home to Mrs. weejee for dinner.

  42. Negropolis

    Damn, I thought the other thread was the liveblog. :( I literally missed it by a half an hour, it looks like.

  43. Callyson

    Jeb Bush is not endorsing, which supposedly that hurts Mittens. According to the MSNBC talking heads, Jeb is one of the most popular polits in FLA for some reason.
    I am not sure which of these two sentences frightens me more…

    1. tessiee

      You guys, wanna make your heads explode?
      Try to figure out the following:
      Who looks more like a pig, Jeb Bush or Newt?

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Jeb can claim residency in Maine, Kennebunkport, & still pick Rubio as his running mate, in the event.

    3. bikerlaureate

      Consider the Florida alternatives. "Most popular" has rarely been this much of a left-handed compliment.

  44. HistoriCat

    Newt is finally getting that lead he so richly deserves. He's such an amoral bully – really the perfect fit for today's Republican party.

  45. Callyson

    Steve Schmidt on MSNBC: we are seeing a war on Gingrich by the Republican establishment.
    With apologies to Harry Truman:
    If we see that the Republican establishment is winning we ought to help Newt and if Newt is winning we ought to help the Republican establishment, and that way let them kill as many as possible, although I don't want to see Newt victorious under any circumstances. Neither of them thinks anything of their pledged word.

    1. tessiee

      "we are seeing a war on Gingrich by the Republican establishment"

      Really, what are these people smoking?
      If it weren't for the Republican establishment, Newt would have the kind of job he could actually get on merit, e.g., mop boy at Jizz World.

  46. Gainsbourg69

    Newt won because the repo cons think he's the only one who can take the fight to Barry. I hope they keep thinking that and hand him the nomination.

  47. Negropolis

    I'm so waiting for Callista to lick her eyeballs with her tongue to clear the dust off.

    BTW: Will the redneck that keeps shouting "A whole Newt world" STFU, already? Thanks.

      1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Were it not for Nixon, Callista could have been the first White House occupant with nictitating membranes.

  48. DustBowlBlues

    Calista's going for that Cindy McCain runs for First Lady look, isn't she? That hair is as unmovable as Mitt's

  49. Callyson

    The guy standing between Newt and Callista looks scared. As if he has come to realize, now that he's worked closely with Newt, what a disaster a Gingrich presidency would be…

  50. Negropolis

    Newt just had a come-from-behind (not Santorum), and he still sounds angry and sober? Fucker should be jumping for joy, the ungrateful bastard. You bitter asshole, you.

    Gawd, his disdain for his audience has come to life. Professor Newt arrived, tonight.

      1. Negropolis

        That crowd was crazy about him, and every time someone hollered or cheered him he looked like he wanted to yell "STFU." Even in victory he can't be sated. It was disgusting to watch; and then he prattles on for, what, a half-an-hour as if his audience wanted him to go over 100 years of American history as if that is relevant to the night. I get on Mitt, alot, for he fakeness, but Newt is so personally greedy it's disgusting. He's greedy for everything, but none more than fame and power. I get Mitt's greed; he's your typical, run-of-the-mill greedy multimillionaire. Newt is just a glutton for attention in the very worst way.

    1. jodyleek

      Sounds like a great idea. But tell me, how are you going to convince
      her to look inside the engine of a Ford Falcon?

    1. tessiee

      Remember, we're in Republican Bizarro Land, where projection and self-pity are the order of the day.

      "They're forcing us" means "They're not letting us force them".

  51. C_R_Eature

    Newt: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".

    Crowd: Mutates Insanely, Eats the remaining Humans in the arena, shambles outside looking for flesh

    Newt's new tentacles wave happily.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      Well, i love fucking everything in sight, stealing money, and I have Plenty of ethics violations.

  52. Limeylizzie

    Callista can get his dick in sideway in that mouth of hers, that must be the reason for the happy marriage.

  53. hilbillyheroine

    The future First Mistress….her botox mouth could suck an elephant's dick. Wait, what is that you say? That whoring borg has sucked fat elephant dick for years? Give that bitch a U.S. Credit card and let her buy some whitey house china.

  54. DustBowlBlues

    Jesus. I knew it would be bombastic but declaring himself the most articulate person in the world seems a little over the top, having just won a primary in one of the most douchey states in the union.

  55. Callyson

    "You sort of just now captured the heart of this campaign"
    Brainlessly chanting USA! USA! USA!
    Yep, that's the heart of Newt's campaign alright…

      1. Limeylizzie

        This is the most vile speech I have heard outside of the Military Channel on a Hitler Marathon.

  56. DustBowlBlues

    Do they really think this guy is smarter than Hopey? Or are they doing the human microphone thing for Newt?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      They really believe it, too. It's like fucking opposite world. Jesus hates the poor, the south will rise again. And Hopey is the lucky student who's gotten a free ride from America.

  57. Jukesgrrl

    If you go on any of the message boards where trolls gather (or butt in), they still aren't pro-Gingrich or pro-anyone else. They're just still against Obama. (Of course there's the Paultard contingent but that's a different troll.) The RNC and Tea Trolls are just Nobama, Nobama. I have a feeling they'll keep this circus running for months to come by splitting the stupid vote.

  58. BarackMyWorld

    Just to make sure we're all on the same page here….South Carolina is the state that elected legendary racist philandering hypocrite Strom Thurmond to office…(**counts on fingers**)…TEN times.

    So, yeah….no surprises tonight.

    1. LowProfileinGA

      To give credit to Strom, he did support his mixed race daughter, Essie Mae Washington-Williams in contrast to Newt who went the deadbeat route.

  59. SorosBot

    And now Saul Alinsky. Do any of this crowd even know who he is? This is just one meaningless right-wing talking point after another.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Same people who think the Weathermen tried to blow up the entire Pentagon with everyone inside, instead of just knocking out a bunch of pipes and calling in a warning to make sure no one was nearby first.

          1. Barb

            For the first time someone has used the "_____Libel!" reference that made me laugh, until I snorted. You are the KING!

    1. biblioteq_tress

      Thank you. Many of us will be stealing this line tomorrow. Will remember you each time, though!

  60. C_R_Eature

    Another "Teleprompter" joke? Obama can kick your ass, son. He's a genuine intellectual, knows how to debate and knows things beyond flat headed catch phrases.

    Oh, and Fuck You.

    1. tessiee

      Besides which, he's by no means the only President/politician/public figure to use a teleprompter, but I guess it's only terrible when the blah guy does it.

    2. MissNancyPriss

      Oh how i wish they would outlaw teleprompters and we could see our blah president go at it with these low borderline ree taards (yes Newt, I include you you half baked historian) like a 5th grader at a Palin family words with friends marathon.

      1. C_R_Eature

        "Artificially Inflated Ego and Random Insult Generator debates Intellectually Capable Constitutional Scholar and Respected World leader. Film at 11.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          Yeah, I can just imagine a Obama & Newt debate. Only minutes into it, after Obama has destroyed Newt's false assertions & complete lies, Newt has a full-on meltdown & just starts yelling racist insults. Sadly, if the debate is hosted by CNN or Fox News, Newt would still get the most applause.

          1. C_R_Eature

            What I'm thinking is that Newtie will blow somewhere short of the General. He's like one of those dynamite loaded 6X6's in that movie Sorcerer. You know that it's got to happen, just a question of when.
            As much as I'd purely love to see a Newt/Barry KO, I think that a Gingrich run would so wreck, violate and contaminate our public discourse that we'd all be miserable for years. I've heartilly had enough of that shit – esp. from that pigfucker.

          2. Geminisunmars

            That's sweet of you. I just meant to respond to C R Eature's post saying "that a Gingrich run would so wreck, violate and contaminate our public discourse that we'd all be miserable for years". I just meant having Gingrinch around and plausibly Prez makes me miserable already, and sad for our species.

          3. MittBorg

            Well, that's all right, then. Just so long as nothing, you know, *worse* that what we all have to suffer through with Bloviating BobbleHead. It'll be OK, love. We've got each other, all however many of us. We'll care for each other and keep each other strong.

          4. C_R_Eature

            Roy Scheider. Hanging out in the jungle with murderers and trucks full of sweating dynamite. Don't make 'em like that anymore!

          5. MittBorg

            As they say in some parts of this great country, "Hit don't make me no never mind." Once Hopey cleans Newt's clock live, on air, the only people still supporting Newt will be those frantically fapping FAILtardz in RightWingNuttia, sobbing morosely onto the giant stacks of orange Cheeto dust that surrounds them.

          6. Geminisunmars

            I say something like that to Mr. Geminisunmars and he (who has met the Gingrinch) says he wouldn't be too sure. NG is dangerous. And since hubby is a Holocaust survivor and lived through all that I suppose he might have something to say on the topic.

          7. MittBorg

            I'm sure Mr. Geminisunmars is as wise and wonderful as befits a wise and wonderful lady like yourself. But I also think that the entire framework of the world has shifted in a way that I don't quite understand too well myself. Rick Perry was the guy who never lost an election, until this one — and now he has nothing to go back to, mostly. It's a new world, dear, and it's their world — the kids' — and the kids are all right. Watching Hopey work the crowd at his most recent fundraiser brought this to mind: Hopey is appealing to the best in us, whether he means it or is faking it. He's appealing to our better nature.

            Newt — and Mittens, and the rest of the Republicans — are appealing to our fears, our paranoia, our reptilian reflex modes of fight and flight. The worst of our nature. I think Obama will win. We'll all have to work hard. But it'll be worth it, just to know that these poisonous lizard-people are NOT invincible, and we CAN beat them. Chin up, darling! There's no room left for fear. Let's do our best, and see what happens.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        What more evidence do you need? They don't use teleprompters at debates. Obama has proven about 1,000 times that he can handle himself off-the-cuff. The teleprompter business is just a gigantic lie, and a meaningless one at that.

        1. MittBorg

          There are some idiots in Rightwingnuttia that find it unbearable that a man with pigment in his skin can outthink and outmanoeuvre them. Those are the people who need the myth of the teleprompter. After all, a coke-snorting, crack-smoking, Affirmative-Action-benefiting, food-stamp-taking Black Muslim Manchurian candidate couldn't *possibly* be so educated and articulate as to take on the flower of Southern white manhood and stomp it to dust — could he?

          Their world is collapsing, and they must cling to whatever is close to hand. The President called it years ago, when he said they cling to their guns and religion.

          1. MittBorg

            That is my constant fear. I won't let it beat me, though. We'll have to keep fighting disirregardless, to whatever extent we can. Although the Secret Service have been operating at a pretty good level of efficiency lately.

      3. Loaded_Pants

        I really don't get the RW's criticism of using teleprompters. Reagan had to use them to remember his own name.

        1. tessiee

          No snark: Reagan had to have fo-net-ick teleprompters after they put the word "paradigm" on his teleprompter and he pronounced it "paradijjum".

          Fucking moron.

          1. MittBorg

            Thing is, that fucking moron was WAY better educated, informed, and read than any of the doofi on the dais, with the sole exception of Mittens, who at least has some intellectual heft.

  61. Negropolis

    I don't know how anyone can refer to the likes of Chuck Todd, John King, and Megyn Kelly as the "elite media." Just sayin'.

  62. hilbillyheroine

    BREAKING NEWS: Callista Gingrich chosen as FIRST WHORE nominee, from the great state of South Cakilakky.

  63. SorosBot

    And now he's supporting bigotry while complaining he's against "anti-religious bigots". Newt, why do you hate the Constitution?

  64. NYNYNYjr

    I will be much happier with Gingrich as the nominee. I won't have to go out and volunteer all the time and cold call lists of voters. Any VP ideas? Charles Keating, Jack Kemp…oohh How bout Oliver North?

  65. C_R_Eature

    Newt: If I had a bucket of Meat and enough time, I could get a dog pack to do anything I wanted them to.

    You're nuthin' special. Asshole.

    1. fuflans

      you know, just like a wingtard, i dream of barry debating newt.

      only in my version, it ends differently

      i'm pretty sure my version is closer to reality.

  66. bagofmice

    The substance of Santorum coming from k-lo's finger tips?

    Dear brain, please be less visual. Here's more gin.

  67. Barb

    Newt is so patriotic that he masturbates to the thought of eating apple pie off of Betsy Ross' cleavage.

  68. Biff

    Fucker sure takes a lot of credit for what President Clinton got done with NO HELP from speaker gingrich.

  69. C_R_Eature

    "…bows to a Saudi King." Uh, or strolls the grounds holding hands with him, like the Not-to-be-Mentioned- George W?

  70. Callyson

    Yeah, Louisiana residents are going to love the idea of natural gas royalties from their state going to modernize the port of another state…WTF?

  71. Steverino247

    Any media worth calling "elite" are either dead or retired. What we've got now are sports writers trying to cover politics.

  72. Jukesgrrl

    No one wants the vice presidency worse than Santorum. I'll bet he's got a team of grad students locked in the cellar right now calculating how he can deliver the blue-collar rust belt vote and the evangelicals. (Can you say Reagan Democrats?) He'll be presenting the results to Rinse Peebot on Monday.

    1. tessiee

      "Santorum. I'll bet he's got a team of grad students locked in the cellar right now calculating"

      Umm… yeah. *That's* why Santorum locked a team of young, buff grad students in the cellar — they're calculating. *That's* the ticket.

    1. bikerlaureate

      If they keep this up, "radical" will become a thoroughgoing badge of honor. It sure beats being in concert with these despicable pusbaggers.

  73. C_R_Eature

    Uh, Newt…There's already been a Canadian-Chinese Energy partnership in Alberta. For Years. All the Transnationals are invested up there, You Fucking Moron.

      1. Limeylizzie

        These people are simply vile, that speech was mean-spirited and disgusting, it was as if he got his talking points from Free Republic.

        1. Barb

          That 3 hour X 7 speeches shit is just strange. I think even those who hate Hopey agree that he gives incredible speeches and I wouldn't want to debate him.

          1. MittBorg

            Me and one of my partners watched him on TV making love to the fundraising crowd (Hopey, that is), and the man has *incredible* charisma. *Incredible.* It's like Level 11 *charisma* with sparkles on top.

            I'm starting to pity whoever has to debate him come election time, babies. My money's on Hopey fer shure, now.

    1. fuflans

      i know right? and i feel horribly cheap celebrating his victory tonight and will no doubt pay tomorrow.

      but it sure as hell feels good right now.

  74. Callyson

    Hey, there might be one person in the audience with a brain. After Gingrinch went on about Saudi Arabia doing a nuclear contract with the Chinese because the Saudis don't trust Obama, I heard an incredulous "what?"
    The buyer's remorse is already starting…

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Oh, three hours with Obama will be absolutely the shitz.

        The Newtster will run through his memorized list of canned idiocies and dogwhistles in 30 minutes … then spend 2-1/2 hours being ground into hamburger. Where do I order my tickets?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Ron Paul went on longer than that. But he always does. Every college has a professor like him. 10% if the students take every class he teaches and the rest just think he's nuts.

      1. SorosBot

        That was the one, one homophobic dogwhistle; I noted it as that. And there could easily be some I missed (certainly some of the "real American" talk came close).

  75. Slim_Pickins

    Abe Lincoln said something like, " you can fool some of the people some of the time and all of South Carolina all of the time, but… (something, something)." But these are Republicans so what do they care about Lincoln?

  76. Jukesgrrl

    Lawrence O'Donnell said earlier that exit polls show beyond a doubt that Americans now care less about marital infidelity and divorce than even the French. Seriously, I thought they at least paid lip service to propriety in SC, but I guess that's over.

    "As God is mah witness, I'll nevah go without sex again."

    1. flamingpdog

      The highest divorce rates in the nation are in the southern states. Taxachusetts has the lowest rate. No snark, I'm convinced the reason that teh Southerners are so upset about divorce and homosexuality and such and such is because they are so rampant in their own neighborhoods, and they think it's the same way everywhere!

      1. MittBorg

        How interesting. That would mean all those men raving about what whores liberal wimminz in them Northern/East/WestCoastian states are would be …

    2. tessiee

      Americans now care less about marital infidelity and divorce than getting the blah guy out of the Presidency.

      ftfy

    1. Guppy

      If it was just the papist vote, they could have gone for Santorum.

      No, Newt is the option that truly best represents the Republicans of South Carolina: a hypocrite.

  77. Barb

    Why do the words "food stamps" make so many radicals salivate? Is the world a better place with kids going to bed hungry? Jesus had to cough up loaves and fishies to make fish sammiches for the poor. Was he the "food stamp savior?"

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Here in rural OK, there are a lot of white people on food stamps –every one of them I've seen at the local grocery store than I have back people. Just ignore the fact my county doesn't have many blacks, but still . . . white people benefit and most of those white people hate blacks and will vote for Newt. I just hope they don't vote.

    2. C_R_Eature

      In their highly propagandized minds, "Food Stamps" = "Niggers"

      Never mind the facts. They Know what they Know and what they Know is Right.

      1. bikerlaureate

        Poor whites wouldn't take advantage of the program if it didn't exist. And obviously poor whites have too much integrity to be, y'know, the main reason such a program came into existence. And also because shut up, that's why.

    3. NYNYNYjr

      Jesus was a rich scrooge-like philanthropist, which conservatives approve of. Feed everybody in a big feast one day, then disappear. If he had given people food in a predictable, dependable manner, that would have been bad.

      1. Barb

        Jesus also cheated on his old lady. What's up with that shit about disappearing for three days and claiming to be dead?

          1. Loaded_Pants

            Jesus: Y'know dad? I think my other dad is more awesome.
            Joseph: Why is that son?
            Jesus (sarcastically): I don't know. I think it's because you're just a carpenter and he's God!

        1. tessiee

          "What, you disappear for three days, you don't call, I don't hear from you? You freakin' *better* be dead, you SOB!"

    4. MittBorg

      You haven't met Republican Jeebus, have you?

      Perhaps Jesus fed the multitude with loaves and fishes, but Republican Jeebus had already gone over to the 1%, and favoured sending shock troops with pepper spray to disperse those lousy fish-eaters.

    5. MittBorg

      Additionally: I can't imagine what kind of person gets their jollies at thinking about any child going to bed hungry. Historically, the test of humanity has been that we spare our children suffering as best we can — King Solomon and the baby, for example. These people are competing, and salivatingly, over who can be the first to deny hungry children the food they need to survive.

  78. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You have to figure that Romney is going to go wall to wall negative on Newt, and Newt is going to whine and go wall to wall negative on Romney.

    The next few weeks should be fun.

    1. flamingpdog

      Even if Ricky drops out of the race, there will still be tanker cars' full of santorum sloshing around in FLA.

    1. C_R_Eature

      AAHHAH. A take off on F&L on the Campaign Trail '72! One of my all – time favorite politics books.

      "The Grand Boohoo of the Neo-American Church", Indeed!

        1. C_R_Eature

          Oh yeah, me too. Really helped to put things into perspective. HST was at the top of his game as a political and social analyst at that time, IMHO.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Somewhat paraphrased, but: "A man who had long ago abandoned the possibility of ever behaving normally"

      1. MittBorg

        You know, I was a teenager when I read that, and had never been exposed to drugs. That may have been the problem. I mean, I LOVED the book, but there was so much of it I just didn't understand.

  79. FakaktaSouth

    I like to think that the whole time Newt was talking, some roadie was walking the crowd handing out backstage passes. Didja see the couple he pointed out in the beginning? He was all, Hey Callista, look! It's our fuck buddies! I swear her hair got harder. I've decided to focus on nothing but their sex life. I want the full Ken Starr on this thing. (no. no I don't)

    1. biblioteq_tress

      Yes, yes, you do. We all do.

      I want to go at him like Starr but longer… harder… and slower… until Newt is screaming at me to finish! Yes, I want to do to Newt just like he did to us. Yes, yes!

    2. MittBorg

      My other partner was just over for a cup of tea and felt obliged to ask me if I knew what the fuck kind of product that woman uses on her head, that every single hair on it lies in the exact same direction. I opined as how to she might have maybe grabbed the lube instead of the hair gel, but I like your idea of the hair as a living entity with the capacity for sexual arousal.

      Indeed, it's probably the ony thing on that poor wretched woman that has.

  80. Limeylizzie

    Ot but I must be horny because Michael Steele is looking really good tonight, he looks like one of those men that would smell really sexy.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Oh lordy, Lizzie. It's just that you've been watching Newtie. Give your head a good shake. Michael Steele is an imbecillic toadie. Call up Mr. Lizzie for some good phone sex if he's not lying next to you.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Michael Steele "smell(s) really sexy"? Probably what you're smelling is the burning sawdust in between his ears. The man's a dolt and the Repube crowd is welcome to him.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I have a secret shame, I actually find him entertaining and I really love him when he is on with Rachel Maddow.

        1. Dudleydidwrong

          As a native son and resident of Maryland I consider him one of a line of Maryland politicians (Spiro Agnew, Robert Erlich, and probably Marvin Mandel head a long list) who try to help the state compete with Illinois for the honor of "Most corrupt top-level politicians" so I have no use tor the man. But you are more than welcome to your "secret shame" and I won't tell anyone. Mine is that I had a crush on Hillary Clinton, heavy legs and all. But I'll never admit that, either.

  81. DustBowlBlues

    Will Jeb or the NJ Fat Fuck save the party by agreeing to be the nomination?

    Thanks for the memories. I've got to say nitey. Sleep well, all, and don't dream about another Repubtard being in charge.

  82. flamingpdog

    "If Newt were to win the election there'd be a Mrs. Gingrich Mark IV rolled out before Inauguration day"

    DAMN, late for teh partee again! But I like Chick's idea from page 1. So who else would like to be Newtie's wife-person?

        1. Barb

          I used to be besties with someone who was besties with Coulter. He would send the most hideous, racist Obama e-mails to us both and I would wait for mAnn to hit "reply all" and she never did it.

          I got so tired of the bullshit e-mail that I changed my beloved Barb@gmail address (don't try it, I nuked it) and I yanked out my land line phone and stopped speaking to him.

          1. Loaded_Pants

            Coulter has male besties?

            And here I thought she was only besties with closeted lesbians at the Clair Booth Luce Policy Institute.

  83. Pres.Beeblebrox

    "rights" means something different down in SC.

    We are a band of brothers
    And native to our soil
    Fighting for our property
    We gained with honest toil
    But when those rights were threatened
    The call rose near and far
    Hurrah for the Bonnie Blue Flag
    That bears a single star

    Hurrah! Hurrah! For Southern rights, Hurrah!
    Hurrah for the Bonnie Blue Flag
    That bears a single star

    (many more verses about states seceding &c.)

    So you can see why the dog whistles were like vuvuzelas tonight.

    1. tessiee

      "Fighting for our property
      We gained with honest toil"

      The honest toil of the people we OWNED, but whatever, right?

  84. Steverino247

    OK. Need the antidote… Got it!

    Verse 1
    Bring the good old bugle, boys, we'll sing another song
    Sing it with a spirit that will start the world along
    Sing it as we used to sing it, 50,000 strong[5]
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    Chorus
    Hurrah! Hurrah! we bring the jubilee![6]
    Hurrah! Hurrah! the flag that makes you free!
    So we sang the chorus from Atlanta to the sea
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    Verse 2
    How the darkeys shouted when they heard the joyful sound
    How the turkeys gobbled which our commissary found
    How the sweet potatoes even started from the ground
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    Verse 3
    Yes and there were Union men who wept with joyful tears,
    When they saw the honored flag they had not seen for years;
    Hardly could they be restrained from breaking forth in cheers,
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    Verse 4
    "Sherman's dashing Yankee boys will never reach the coast!"
    So the saucy rebels said and 'twas a handsome boast
    Had they not forgot, alas! to reckon with the Host
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    Verse 5
    So we made a thoroughfare for freedom and her train,
    Sixty miles in latitude, three hundred to the main;
    Treason fled before us, for resistance was in vain
    While we were marching through Georgia.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Thank you. I am saving that one.
      Can't forget The Battle Hymn of the Republic either:

      Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
      He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
      He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
      His truth is marching on.

  85. DahBoner

    I want Newt to win, because if Air Force One ever needed to do an emergency landing over water, Newt's head could be used as a flotation device…

  86. SudsMcKenzie

    I'm musing on the Secret Service designations for First Family Gingrich;

    I'm going with "Snowman" and "Falcon"

    1. Barb

      Oh shit, I tossed it over to Jeffer and he came up with Sno-Ball and Ho-Ho.
      Someone is getting some lovin' tonight for that one.

      1. MittBorg

        I think I see why y'all married each other. Sno-Ball and Ho-Ho, give that li'l wiseass some extra lovin' and tell him it's a big thanks from your fellow Wonks who fap to the thought.

    2. bagofmice

      It was all about samurai Goroh. Although a falcon punch is pretty hard to resist.

      /lame f-zero jokes.

    3. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      There were very few big laughs in Closing Time, Joseph Heller's awful sequel to Catch-22: one was the Secret Service codename for President Dan Quayle*: "The Little Prick."

      *A good gag, but it's part of why Closing Time was such a disappointment: where Catch-22 was a timeless satire, the sequel feels like it's rooted in political snark with a fairly limited shelf-life.

      Oh, yes, and Newt & Callista could just be "The Fat Fuck and the Other One." It worked for Siskel & Ebert back in the day…

        1. Geminisunmars

          I read his daughter's memoirs. Apparently when Heller was asked (paraphrasing) "Why haven't you written another book as incredibile as "Catch-22"", he answered "Who has."

      1. SorosBot

        Oh, he's annoying when he gets on with libertarian crap, but his attacks on anti-science bullshit like the Bible, creationism, 'alternative' medicine or astrology are great. He also was a global warming denialist who actually realized and admitted he was wrong, and apologized, which I give him kudos for.

        And he actually is what many of the Paultards think their prophet is, since he actually does believe in freedom for the womens and the gays, unlike Ron.

        1. Designer_Rants

          One of my more favorite "Fresh Air" w/ Terri Gross episodes was when he was doing his book tour a few months back. He told a story about his mother, a devout Christian, who was like ninety-years-old when her church dumped a pastor for being gay (or something….), so she dumped her church. Good show.

  87. savethispatient

    According to Michael Steele, Brian Wilson is asking questions at the NBC debate on Monday. Awesome!

    1. Negropolis

      I'll take Brian Wlison, but I'd actually pay admission to see Gary Busey question the Republicans. Hell, I'd pay to see Gary Busey question anyone in a serious setting.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        That would be the ULTIMATE debate. You want a 3 hr debate, Newtie? Have I got a forum for you!

      2. Loaded_Pants

        But Black being an unbiased moderator would be called into question when he starts yelling at the candidates & kicking over their podiums.

      3. Negropolis

        Lewis Black would finally have that stroke he's been saving up for if he reduced himself to moderator a debate with the GOP.

  88. Redhead

    What the what? The fuck? How the…? But… But, really? I thought sadomasochism was against family values. Or are people REALLY that dumb that they didn't learn the first time around?

    1. Steverino247

      And the stupid persons of SC expect Newt to be able to whip Obama in a debate and magically win the Presidency. They aren't smart enough to debate Obama, but they believe Newt can put him in his place–at some other drinking fountain.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Which is really what this is all about. The Angry White Man® needs to take revenge against anyone he deems responsible for his feelings of inadequacy. But I can't figure how SC is so full of these AWMs, yet they put a brown woman in the governor's office. Hawtness trumps all or what?

  89. Designer_Rants

    A Facebook friend just described Newt as "someone willing to moderate." So I sez:

    He's willing to moderate tomorrow, and then he sees a shiny object. The next day he gets all mad about the gays while he's bangin' his staffer. Then he plans a Moon Mining Mission, for some reason. Then he's willing to moderate again. Then it's nap-time for Newty (he gets cranky)…

    1. flamingpdog

      Oh, he would "moderate" in order to win the election, all right. But his running mate would be David Duke, just so the Stars and Bars crowd wouldn't misunderstand.

  90. C_R_Eature

    I Hereby Predict that Gingrich will win Florida by a slim margin. He will have blown a massive 20 point lead while visiting the Kennedy Space Center and giving a bizarre speech that contained ideas about sending Federal prisoners to Moon Mining Concentration Camps, positioning manned satellites with Nucular Weapons in geosynchronous orbit over Iran and a long range exploratory mission to Uranus.

    Second place will be an entirely write – in candidate: Augusto Pinochet.

    Romney will come in a distant third.

    1. flamingpdog

      RIght idea, but wrong write-in. This is Floriduh we're talking about – the write-in votes would be for Fulgencio Batista. NEVAH FORGET!!!

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Serious question: why can't kids do the moon mining? Make it requisite for poor children to graduate, you have to dig x-amount of moon uranium. Then they get a partial scholarship to Butler College.

      1. C_R_Eature

        That's a great angle! For several reasons:

        * Kids are smaller, utilize less precious O2 and water resources and have less mass to lift out of the Earth's gravity well. Cheaper all around!

        *They're less likely to have been exposed to inconvienent ideas like overtime pay, 40-hour work weeks and Workman's Comp.

        *They can establish their own working society, like Boy's and Girls Town and that cool movie Lord of the Flies. No Adults Necessary!

        *The ones that survive will be the tough ones and will strengthen the Race. The ones that don't…well…just reducing the "Surplus Population". Some English guy wrote a story with that in it, one time.

        * ????

        *Profit!

  91. Douché

    It would be pretty funny if Roms, just said "fuck you bitches" and left the repugs high and dry tomorrow. Just 'sayin.

    1. Harry_S_Truman

      Kansas, nothing. What's the matter with South Carolina? Looks like Thomas Frank has another book to write.

      1. Callyson

        That poor bastard is already busy with "What's the Matter with Arizona," "What's the Matter with Florida," and "What's the Matter with Texas (part 1)"

  92. fartknocker

    My wife and I sat up and listened to the Newt exit speech. After his 8.5 minute speech we concluded:
    1) We liked drinking cold alcoholic beverages so our measurements and analysis could be scewed by the lack of spell check and laughter,
    2) He used the word "job" 6 times in only 2 sentences and that lasted only 14 seconds,
    3) He used the phrase "American excepionalism" more than he used the word "employment",
    4) Ronald Ray Gun is still dead and his economic policies sucked,
    5) Neither of us heard how Newt's love for Mitt will reverse any damage that the past 25 years of administrations governed by Democrats and Republicans will bring forward the former Glass-Stegall Act and reign in bankers, (preface: Phil Gramm is the piece of shit who sponsored that legislation – another fucking economist-politician),
    6) The use of the phrase "on our side" means he couldn't give a rat's ass about the 99%.
    So we're voting for Obama. Any questions? We sent this from a Motorola Zoom so we hope American Exceptionalism technology was used in this message.

    1. Callyson

      Oh, so he did make a passing reference to jobs? I was so busy laughing about his gratuitous comments on Saul Alinksy to notice…

      1. bikerlaureate

        His party was focused like a laser on job creation, before the midterms. But a laser beam can be all but impossible to see unless it's aimed right at you, so I have to give the GOP exactly the level of respect they deserve 'cause they're all such gosh-darn paragons of CONSISTENCY and INTEGRITY.

        Plus they have a lot less melanin than the Usurper-in-Chief. Too, also.

  93. carlgt1

    are Repugs still running with that "we'll restore honor & integrity to the White House" meme? It was funny enough with Bush & Cheney, but with Newt & Romney it's off the scale….

  94. BarackMyWorld

    I don't like Romney. I think Santorum's beliefs are ridiculous. Ron Paul's ideas are ridiculous. Newt Gingrich is the only one I genuinely despise. He is a genuine American demagogue, so vile and dishonest and racist he makes me question how much progress we have actually made.

    1. LetUsBray

      That's about where I'm at. Romney's the most heartless; Santorum is the creepiest and craziest; and Ron Paul is the biggest phony.

      But Gingrich is so thoroughly and ostentatiously loathsome, so utterly lacking in any sort of redeeming qualities, that it's hard not be be in awe of his odiousness. On a personal note, one personality type I find especially insufferable is the blowhard, and Gingrich is one of the biggest blowhards around.

      The good news is, most voters still despise an obvious hypocrite, and he's going to have a difficult if not impossible time addressing that. I think the prez would dismantle him fairly easily, more so than Romney. But damn, I do not want that loud-mouthed walking septic tank of a man in the news every day until November, so to that extent I suppose I'd rather see Rmoney get just enough of his shit together until the nomination is settled.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        I think the same way. I think Obama would have a much easier time of it if Newtie was the contender, but the thought of this vile racist (real or put on) dog shit anywhere near the white house makes me hopeless with rage and sadness. Still, I'm rooting for him to slice up the smug millionaire white guy who looks "presidential" according to all wingnuts I know.

      2. tessiee

        "I do not want that loud-mouthed walking septic tank of a man in the news every day until November"

        Yeah, I'm really not looking forward to that sweaty, petulant puss bloating into view like the monsters in an amusement park haunted house every time I turn on the TV for the next eight months.

  95. Soylent Green

    This is just like a foot race. But, Newt, just because you're in the lead doesn't make you faster. It means the guy in front of you fell down.

  96. ThundercatHo

    Somebody said earlier (and I'm sorry but I looked and couldn't find it and it is late/early) that Neuter was going to need a younger and prettier first lady. I hereby nominate Kim Kardashian since she meets the first 2 qualifications plus she is a total attention whore and just lerves the diamonds. Callista should probably not drive anywhere alone or take a bath and keep a very close eye on what she eats and drinks. Maybe even get a guard dog. Take the money and run Beaky.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Kim Kardashian does not fit the profile of Republican trophy spouse in any way, shape or form. Plus she's been with blahs of her own free will, without even being assaulted! Only blonde beltway staffers or lobbyists who can smuggle a whore's skill-set in their piety need apply.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Isn't it about time for that Cindy-lookalike Grampa Crash Helmet was keeping company with (I hesitate to say screwing, since I doubt he can) to come out of hiding and receive her reward for her silence?

          1. Jukesgrrl

            How much could she have made from the Times?She wasn't a wealthy woman before the story (which was no doubt true and AS IF her reputation was at all damaged).I know some people in PA who knew her in school there and they said said they never dreamed she would have chosen lobbying. Maybe she hooked up with Kenny Boy Lay in Ecuador.

  97. Soylent Green

    Since Perry dropped out the other day, I thought it was going to be a dull 10 months.
    Pop a cork, we're back in CrazyTown!

  98. Schmegeg

    To sum up, South Carolina Republicans like a guy to be #1 who managed to disgrace himself as #3 in the government. He is the biggest asshole of the last 50 years, including Nixon, which takes some effort. His father took off before he was born, a total asshole, so it must be genetic.. The mother was bipolar, and that is clearly genetic He fucked and married a high school teacher, for Christ sake. That is just weird. And the marriages, the depressions. All leadership REPUBLICANS hate his guts. And if he somehow wins in November, the country is clearly totally screwed.

    As much as I would like to see Gingrich humiliated in the general, having him so close to the prize is just too unsettling. Mittens is pathetic and the others are losers. So it will have to be a white (obviously) knight, either the anonymous guy from Indiana, Jebster, or the Minnesota guy who quit when he couldn't get the Iowa people to like him last fall. Or god help us, Miss Alaska.

    So that is what bipolar feels like.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Newt's offspring will be great spokespeople for Family Values — as soon as they figure out which one of those women is their mother.

      PS: DW, love your computer thingie. And you should consider selling those desks. The arty deconstruction crowd will love 'em.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Thank you. I bought a new motherboard and was gonna build a frankenstein computer using all of the other computers I have. Since most of the computers were like Compaqs and HPs, they had proprietary case designs so the normal sized Motherboard wouldn't fit in them. I just put it together on top of a case to see if I could get it working. I did get it working and then got lazy about putting it back into the case, because, hey, my new computer is working!
        I'm using that computer right now. The side panel won't fit back on because I had to use a crowbar to bend the case up so the Motherboard would fit in it and I have wooden dowels and zip ties holding some parts up and together and I still have to use a screw driver to turn it on. I did make a power button, but ChubChub broke it when he chewed it up. I'm thinking about using a wall light switch as the power button.

          1. DerrickWildcat

            Thank you Ma'am.
            In two or 3 weeks I'm a gonna get my camera back. It's in the Camera Hospital :(
            My goal this summer is to get pictures of, Pileated Woodpecker (That's the kind Woody Woodpecker is) American Redstart. Upland Sandpiper, Burrowing Owls and Black-tailed Prairie Dogs, Prairie Chicken, Bobolink, Townsend's Solitaire and Mountain Bluebirds. I'm already starting to make my plans and getting my gear ready! Oh and better pictures of Western and Scarlet Tanagers

          2. MittBorg

            I wish I could go bird-photographing with you, DerrickWildcat. I get the feeling that I would learn SO much.

            I just got a book titled Western Birds. I'm not sure who gave (lent?) it to me, but tell me when you set off on your expedition, and I'll see if I can virtually join you by checking out my book.

          3. DerrickWildcat

            I use Eastern Birds, however I can almost use Western because I'm right in the middle. Some of the birds on my list are in the Eastern part of the State, some of the birds are on the Western part of the State. People ask me how I find these birds. It's easy, I'm looking for them! I go to where they are and look and listen. Birds are not an afterthought, it's the only thought. Next time you go out hiking or whatever, spend some time to specifically listen and look for birds. You'll be surprised to find out that they are right in front of you. You just have to pay attention. Most people don't.

          4. MittBorg

            I used to hike out to the Audubon Trail to see the great blue herons nesting, back when I wasn't a gimp. But I'll be hiking again soon. I have woodpeckers on my hillside, and robins, blue jays, several raptors that have nested high in some pines, the inevitable hummingbirds. Someone gave me a plush birdy that had the real live birdcall recorded in it, and I tried it on one of our jays, and she went crazy! She kept hopping up and down the closest tree, staring at us intently, and then flying away, and coming back.

            I sometimes leave food out for the birds, but not too often because we have cats.

          5. DerrickWildcat

            Your secret Birding word of the day, "Pishing" I kid you not. Onomatopoeia.

            On some species it works really well, on others, not so much. Many times I see a bird that's in a thick cedar tree that will not come out. I can not get a clean shot at it. It just hops around in the thick stuff. If you Pish a bit, sometimes, they will hop on out for a second or two due to curiosity to see what in the hell that noise is.
            Here is a Pishing shot that got this bird out of the thick stuff. http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/5091602

          6. MittBorg

            Thank you. What a great shot. I love your snowy egret shots too. Hell, I love them all. And I finally got to see the computer, as well. Is your work published anywhere? Because it is truly, stupendously, beautiful.

        1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

          a wall light switch is nice, but if you could repurpose a bronze valve of some sort, you could call it Steampunk and get a picture of it on BoingBoing…

          1. DerrickWildcat

            Yeah, I get a kick out of the case mods. That is way over my ability and patience. I'm more like the Building Super. Just hack it all together in an ugly way and say, "see it works."

  99. horsedreamer_1

    South Carolina GNOP primary 2012 is going to learn how Missouri felt after the 2008 general election.

  100. Barb

    Goodnight worthy Wonkette scum. Good to see you, Soros, you tall drink of bitch. Lizzie, I'm going to shower and knock one out of the park for you, lovie. Negropolis, you are the wings beneath my wings. Chet, call me! (you know the number, or just hit redial) HistoriCat, I'm wearing my jammies that I got at Kohl's, why do you ask what I am wearing?

    Now there's some sad things known to man
    But ain't too much sadder than
    The tears of a clown, when there's no one around

    football competitions are happening tomorrow. Don't call us, we'll call you. (unless Chet is calling)

    1. flamingpdog

      OH, and a few days ago, I was your new favorite! Pfft! Womyns!

      P. S. I luvs ya, Barb. I just wish you were also, too, another 5' 10" inch, redheaded Barb I lost to cancer a year and a half ago. Maybe you are.

        1. flamingpdog

          Sorry, didn't mean to make you sad – I'm an idiot like that sometimes (sometimes?). It wasn't so much sad as frustrating. My Barb was my first girlfriend – in preschool, and neither of us even remembered it! After preschool we went to different schools and didn't hook up again until high school, when our mothers saw each other at PTA, recognized each other, and come home and told us about our young love (held hands, went on the swings together). But she was taller than me in high school, and I was a self-conscious teenager, so I never tried to put the moves on her. I lost track of her after high school, but then found her on Facebook something like 39 years later. She had breast cancer when I hooked up with her again, but she was hanging in there with treatment and in late August of 2010 said she was in remission. But then two weeks later her daughter came onto her FB wall and announced that Barb had died of leukemia she developed from her breast cancer treatments. It hit me really hard at the time, but I'm over it.

  101. Harry_S_Truman

    You can bet that David Gregory, Bob Schieffer, Boy Georgie Steffie, and even Candy Crowley all woke up with a big chubby this morning. No, Chris Wallace didn't (for lack of genitalia).

  102. C_R_Eature

    Prediction #1:
    Gingrich begins speaking Spanish in South Florida, for the benefit of all the RW Expatriate Cuban audiences.

    Prediction #2:
    Secret Paultard on staff surreptitiously works Chinga! and Puta into speeches as terms of endearment. Gingrich has no idea. YouTube Moments Ensue.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Thanks! (adds spaghetti puttanesca to list of "Things I Can't Order Without Collapsing In Hysterical Laughter.")

          2. Chichikovovich

            Advice: Don't learn how to swear in Serbo-Croatian, or you'll never again successfully complete an order for pizza.

          3. flamingpdog

            A friend of mine told this story on herself many, many years ago. She said she was in a Mexican restaurant and decided she wanted some chimichangas. But when the waitress came over and asked her what she wanted, she got tongue-tied and asked for chi chi grandes. The waitress looked at her and said, "So would I, but what do you want for dinner?"

          4. C_R_Eature

            AH, Hahahah HaHaHa hehehe. Marvelous!
            (scribbles margin notes on pronunciation. Underlines, Stars.)

    1. Gainsbourg69

      The Cubans down here will not go for all that food stamps are bad stuff, since the first thing they do after they get off their rafts is get on food stamps and section 8. The clever ones start up AIDS clinics and go straight into the Medicare fraud business, so gutting that program is off the table as well.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Tessiee…It's been a long very busy day, I'm exhausted, my sides hurt from laughing and I was just shutting down for a Long Winter's nap but…

        I Do Hereby Award You the Most High Threadwinning Solid Gold 5-Pointed Star of Hilarity. Just for that comment.
        Before I pass completely out – I needed to do that.

  103. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I was at a party last night. Did I miss anything?
    What?
    Newt?
    Bwahahahahaahahahaha!
    Really?
    Newt?
    *Snort*

    1. finallyhappy

      I was at the theater and right before the show started, a woman behind me read out the voting as of 8 Pm- given the play and the audience – pretty sure, no GOPers were there

  104. Bluestatelibel

    And now Mitt Romney gets to experience what every worker he's laid off has experienced…they're just not into you, Mitt.
    Love,
    Karma

      1. Designer_Rants

        I've literally checked NYT for a post at least 5 times today. Sometimes he posts on Sundays, right? Instead I accidentally read a post of his titled "Where are the liberals?" He's a troll. http://nyti.ms/zIShjp

        What, you mean you didn't run into any liberal couples at the American Petroleum Institute's annual ball? And there's no liberal comments on your "I'd Leave My Wife For Mitt" Tumblr?

  105. Local_Mojo

    Willard bused in Mormons from his secret base. Did Newt bus in cheating, serial adulterers — his obvious base?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You mean cheating, right-wing Christian serial adulterers.
      Looks like S.C. has plenty of them already.

  106. ifthethunderdontgetya

    David, you know better than that…

    Pig Newton, lying about his record to Dancin' Dave Gregory on Meat the Press.

    Newt is an outsider!

    P.S. "I can take every hit and keep coming" – Newt Gingrich
    ~

  107. weej_bain

    Mark your calendars Wonketteers, Mittens has announced on Faux Newz that this coming Tuesday he's going to release his 1965 2010 tax return. Mittens, you sad sack, you're a day late and $32 million in Cayman Islands accounts too late. You better get to packin' Jeb Bush's parachute so it Roman candles or you'll be watchin' him up on the Rethug convention podium makin' with the "thank yous" and "I nevers" and the "gosh and gee willikers."

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Wonder how many accounting jobs were created to massage those returns. Can't you actually re-file for years past – I mean with enough $$$ can you just refile the past 10 years and push your problem back into the past and pay a bill or forward and hide until after he's elected?

      1. weej_bain

        I think that's for earned income JZ, any bookies or accountants out there please correct me. Since Mittens has none jerb ( / sobs over the tragedy ) he has no earned income, only the tawdry capitalist gains to display being taxed at 15%.

        1. MissTaken

          Yup, that's why his tax rate is a measly 15%, all cap gains, not earned income. He doesn't get a W-2 like us douchebags who have jobs with wages, tips, and salaries (yeah, I said tips, mmm) which are taxed at the progressive rates hovering around 25 to 35%, depending on the amount of your last dollar earned.

          This is why CEO's will often take $1 for their "salary" – makes them look all humble that they take no money from the company, but it's really because their compensation package (yeah, I said package, mmm) consists of stock options that they can sell and pay tax on only the gains, at the lovely 15% rate.

          Job creation and such.

          1. Chichikovovich

            I just hope that if you three decide to do your taxes together, you'll set up a webcam so the rest of us can watch.

          2. MittBorg

            We've already had someone wire up SorosBot's house with videocams while he was out food-shopping. I'll be emailing you your share of the bill.

        2. montreal_bruin

          Let's not forget that the 15% rate is applied to his unsheltered unearned income which, judging from the Cayman account, is likely to be ridiculously less than what he's actually gained.

  108. Preacher_Griz

    Prof Speaker Newt Gingrich obviously has EXTRAORDINARY POWERS OF ATTRACTION over the women folk and will exploit this to Deliver 1600 Pennsylvania Ave to Conservative Christians in 2012!!

  109. HistoriCat

    Oh man – can't wait for Barry to start cleaning Newt's clock during a three-hour debate! Fox News will have to cut away with "technical difficulties" or the Breaking! news of the latest celebrity divorce.

  110. Biff

    I love this clown show as much as anyone else, but it's getting to a point where flirting with disaster is just that, and it's kinda more scary than exhilarating, like doing lines of coke off the ass of a vice officer's wife…

    1. flamingpdog

      You don't want to look at the picture of all the little memorials and candles being left around his statue on campus.

      1. MittBorg

        I'm sure we don't. However, I'm seeing all kinds of "Not dead yet" teasers all over the place. So, what's the deal, is the old skank dead, or what?

  111. proudgrampa

    Snark off:

    I am afraid that this is just the beginning of a wave of fascism that is going to hit our country. President Obama is going to have one tough time overcoming any of this because most of what is working against him is out of his control (Europe, the economy, e.g.).

    We are freakin' doomed.

    1. MrFizzy

      I tend to be pessimistic too, but one thing that keeps me going (in addition to JW Black Label) is that the rest of the world is fucked up even more than we are, with some minor exceptions. With any luck Newt will get exposed and utterly crucified in this electoral process, and things will keep improving slightly as BO tries to convince 51% of the people in this country that (a) he's smarter and more moral than they are, even though he's black, and (b) that a government that regulates things isn't all bad. Of course, humankind is going to snuff itself out anyway, but that takes me back to the other thing that keeps me going. That and Wonkette.

      1. proudgrampa

        Thank you, Fizz! That perspective reminds me that I still have my friend, Bombay "Boomer" Sapphire to depend on!

      2. Loaded_Pants

        IMO, I think some of the bosses in the Republican Party are getting nervous over the possibility that Newt might be able to get the nomination since well, y'know, he'd be running against Barry.