LIVEBLOGGING THE CONFEDERATE PRIMARY  8:00 pm January 21, 2012

Newtmania! Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Will Lose 80%-20% To Obama

by Ken Layne

Love the pig you're with.That was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been projected as the Big Wiener of the South Carolina confederate primary. Should we live blog this historic moment, which comes exactly 15 years after the last historic moment for Gingrich? That was when he “became the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for his ethics violations by his own colleagues,” a violation that cost the Newt $300,000 in penalties — enough to buy a suitcase of tacky Tiffany bling for at least one more new adulteress!

7:52 PM — With just 123 of 2,136 precincts reporting, CBS News and some other lamestream media outfits are calling it for the white-capped sleaze piglet.
7:55 PM — Near opposites Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are battling for the meaningless third-place finish, while Mormon billionaire foreigner Mitt Romney is somehow in second place with 31% to Gingrich’s current 38%.
7:59 PM — Mitt Romney celebrated by ritually washing his magic underwear, while having his servants decorate a sheet cake for Gingrich, in honor of the fifteenth anniversary of Newt’s ethics crimes conviction.
8:06 PM — With 11% of the precincts reporting by KKK pony express, the Newt is now up to 39.5% with 26,382 votes. Magical Mitt is below 28% now, with 18,539 votes. Michele Bachmann has 94 votes … so far!
8:12 PM — A terrible John Cougar song from about 1985 is now blasting at Gingrich HQ. We bet Newt had sex with one of his mistresses to this song, while getting divorced again.
8:15 PM — No cable channels are streaming this on the Internets? MSNBC’s live feed is inactive, CNN has nothing, FoxNews is promising live streams from the various campaign headquarters in S.C., and each stalled video feed begins with a bizarre “CMT Funny Hillbilly Show” commercial. This is actually painful.
8:19 PM — Romney is moving onward, maybe somewhere nice, where the people aren’t such Jesus freaks?
8:20 PM — Mittens only got a fifth of the evangelical vote. So that should put him, total, at 20%.
8:21 PM — And Ron Paul just cut off Sarah Palin’s “analysis” on the Fox News. Go Ron Paul!
8:23 PM — Wonkette alum Juli Weiner reports that Newt’s victory DJ is playing nothin’ but classic party sex music.
8:24 PM — So, Newt Gingrich! The nominee? Could America get that lucky? That’s luckier than a Gingrich staffer gal the day the Viagra package arrives!
8:26 PM — With 30% reporting, the Newt has topped 40%. This is devastating for these other clowns.
8:31 PM — We are reduced to watching the POLITICO livestream. Jesus, we could do a better election night broadcast by pointing our webcam at the refrigerator.
8:36 PM — We forgot to say Gracias (Mormon for THX) to star commenter savethispatient for directing us to an MSNBC livefeed that actually works tonight, for us, here in the auxiliary newsroom with no teevee.
8:40 PM — Rick Santorum looks awfully fucking smug for a guy who just lost the evangelical wingnut vote to a thrice-married hump whale and a space-alien Mexican.
8:40 PM — The handsome young dude over Rick’s right shoulder is actually the same one who was Scary Potter in 2006. How they grow! Our own Liz Colville says the elder Santorum daughter looks like the “half perm” actresses from some popular yuppie show about British people having affairs in World War I.
8:40 PM — Santorum is quitting. Is he? It sounds like he’s quitting. It sounds like he has to sit around a kitchen table some more, with his family, so they can get him back to some coal lobbying job. Those half-perms aren’t free!
8:46 PM — Nate Silver notes that since 1980, every GOP winner in the South Carolina primary has become the nominee. Thirty-two years of dumb tradition is on Newt’s side! (Also, eight elections total.)
8:48 PM — More importantly, this editor has been covering presidential campaigns since the year 2000 by typing things while other people typed into weird chat rooms, like this one going right now alongside the MSNBC feed:

hodorhodorhodorhodor: Rick is going home after Florida

sejanus2x: no

banthegop: wrong….we’ve seen government that doesn’t care….it’s called CONSERVATIVE government

justling: fake robotic and an opportunist of the highest order…people see gthis

boulderbee: yeeeeeeaaaaaagh!

raguspag: FLORIDA HAS LOTS OF MEXICANS , THEYLL VOTE FOR ANYONE CATHOLIC

kafkavert: cuban americans are very catholic

sejanus2x: um, lol

raguspag: how many daughters does he have, they look hot

9:05 PM — With 65% of precincts reporting, the Newt maintains his 40.7% win. Romney won in the “big cities,” but even in Charleston and Columbia he’s not getting a majority.
9:05 PM — Okay, we will be back later, have fun! Enjoy your NIGHTMARES OF NEWT.
9:09 PM — Haha, did Santorum just get glitter-bombed? Couldn’t happen to a gayer dude.

Once again.
9:14 PM — Speaking of, did that child rapist football guy die in Pennsylvania or something? We do not “follow sports,” obviously.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 1350 comments }

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:01 pm

The people have spoken, the bastards!

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Talking shit again.

Dudleydidwrong January 21, 2012 at 8:34 pm

The people have vomited.

Swampgas_Man January 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

The always-undercounted Slut and Nut vote has spoken!

LetUsBray January 21, 2012 at 9:23 pm

"Duhhhh," they said.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Well, the people of South Carolina. Let's not forget that they have a long tradition of electing adulterers (Strom Thurman, Mark Sandford).

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Mark "Mistress? Nah! Been Hikin' The Appalachian Trail, Dummies!" Sanford? That Mark Sanford? https://p.twimg.com/AjuzXBvCIAAhjtZ.jpg

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Indeedy. That very man.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Mitt's concession speech is so weird, it's basically his stump speech but sans charisma and passion.

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

He had charisma and passion at his stump speeches? Guess the voters missed it there.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Nah, he never had that.

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:14 pm

He has all the charisma of a bushel of turnips.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

He runs the gamut of emotion from A to B.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:19 pm

He also has a hideous lip-smacking thing at the end of a sentence, watch for that, it will now drive you insane.

Crank_Tango January 21, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Tuber libel!

Rotundo_ January 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

Turnip Libel!!! A bushel of turnips can be dazzling by comparison to Mittens! A little wax here, polish them up a bit and you really have something with substance.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

His programmers forgot to plug in the emotion chip.

Dashboard Buddha January 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Data has it.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 22, 2012 at 1:37 am

It caused problems though. He took it back out. Quite sad.

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 8:56 am

At least he found his cat.

finallyhappy January 22, 2012 at 6:40 pm

met him, met Wesley Crusher, Q and the original Spock(not that this has anything to do with the discussion)

angerbear January 21, 2012 at 8:12 pm

In other words, identical to his stump speech.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Indeed.

OhNoGuy January 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

"Hey, baby. Get a load of my "stump", Moma.

Oh. wait. The "other" stump speech. Sorry. So sorry.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 8:55 pm

When has Mittens ever head "charisma and passion"?

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Never.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I love that you understand me despite my typos.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

That was a typo? Because I don't think Mittens has ever head charisma and passion either…

NYNYNYjr January 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I've always told him 'Cool off, man! Don't be so authentic and inspiring!'

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Perfect.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm

"Mitt's concession speech is … basically his stump speech but sans charisma and passion."

i.e., his stump speech.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 10:10 pm

That's what I said.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 8:04 pm

When the revised results come in in about 2 weeks in favor of Ron Paul, I wonder what historic landmark that will signify? Seems no matter what happens or who wins it's historic, and I for one will NOT welcome a ne historian overlord.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Mitt reminds me weirdly of Nixon. Right down to the paranoia about what the Other Side is thinking about him and the sweaty forehead during speeches.

Chichikovovich January 21, 2012 at 8:11 pm

But I do wish we wouldn't have Mitt Romney to kick around anymore.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Mittens is still shaking hands at his concession rally, in his respectable Republican cloth underwear.

Swampgas_Man January 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Oh, I'd like to give him one good kick in the oompa loompas.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

It would do him a world of good.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 5:20 am

That's assuming that Mittbot's creator(s) made him anatomically correct. And, if he is actually an alien – as is the other hypothesis about his origin – his sensitive Mittbits may be located somewhere else on/in his body, entirely.

mayor_quimby January 22, 2012 at 7:23 am

They're definitely internal, much more efficient than external dangly bits. That's one of gods well known design flaws.

FlownOver January 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

A Ballchinian, perhaps?

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

If Rmoney were Nixon, he'd have a lotz more stubble on his face at this time of the night.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Romney shaves 4 times a day, since, you know; he can't masturbate, smoke, drink Code Red Mountain Dew, anything.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 1:55 am

'Rmoney'…I like that, kinda like RKelly but without the charisma and passion

thebeatgoeson January 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Willard (R – Money)

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:52 am

Mitt is uncomfortable and disliked, as Nixon was, but he is not as fundamentally foul-minded as the Trickster. Nixon could sell commie-baiting with gusto; Mitt is a Money Wing guy in fake and unconvincing Wingnut drag. While Mitt is a MorMan who made his money the Blue Blood way, Nixon made his little bit of money, ironically, by cultivating crazy MorMen and skeezy characters like Bebe Rebozo. Mitt is "handsome", also, where Nixon had all the sex appeal of Moe from the Three Stooges.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm

For some reason, I don't think Romney will be doing his equivalent to Nixon's Checkers speech anytime soon, though.

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm
chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Now Palin will think it was her kind-of endorsement that did it for Gingrich and she'll expect to be made Secretary of Law or something.

iburl January 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Secretary of Alaska Pride

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 3:34 am

Defending the honor of the state bird, the bounced child support check.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 4:29 am

It is true that the state bird is a bloodsucking mosquito. The swarms, the horror.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

refudiate.

no seriously, refudiate this squirmish.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Secretary of Da Fence.

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:03 am

Good against Messicans and Joe Mc Ginnis.

NYNYNYjr January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Oh, Newton's already promised her something. He's said as much. Where's the most grift and the least news interviews….Secretary of the Interior.

Spurning Beer January 21, 2012 at 10:46 pm

But whose?

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

He should do something totally ironic and make her Secretary of Family Planning or government ethics czar or some shit.

insidebeltway January 22, 2012 at 6:31 am

Naw, she wants to be a White House intern.

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

MittBot 3000 is exceeding it's programming; for a nanosecond there it felt sad.

Crank_Tango January 21, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Running for president, after all, is just a primitive form of bending.

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

It's like a bad dream – all ones and zeros.. but then it thought it saw a 2!

Nostrildamus January 22, 2012 at 1:54 am

In a campaign filled with zeroes and #1, the #2 is Santorum.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 4:49 am

Technically, wouldn't you need at least three numbers for Santorum?

EdFlintstone January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

On behalf of Wonkette, thank you South Carolina.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2012 at 9:02 pm

You got that right Ed.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

i assume bamz will be having celebratory sex tonight.

SexySmurf January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

So will Newt (assuming he can get Callista to leave the hotel room for a few minutes).

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Oh, hell to the yeah.

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Michelle is one lucky woman. Consider this plus with the night after bin laden and the night after Gaddhalfi and the night . . .

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Also, Barry slut dancing in his Presidential Seal boxers.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Wonketz will sleep easy after a MASSIVE fap tonight.

insidebeltway January 22, 2012 at 6:33 am

He'll be singing a lot more Al Green and throw some Barry White in.

CountryClubJihadi January 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I had no ida that Mitt's children were Tuesday Addams and Eddie Munster. But the other Romney son looks like a coked out Christopher from the Sopranos. Serious crazy eyes.

angerbear January 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm

But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed’st thy light’st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world’s fresh ornament
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world’s due, by the grave and thee.

Holy balls–Shakespeare tried to warn us about Newt, but we wouldn't listen!!

jakegittes January 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Operative word? "Niggarding."

Biff January 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Phone lines are open, operators are standing by to accept our pledges to the newt.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I've got a pledge for that sonofabitch.

OC_Surf_Serf January 21, 2012 at 8:10 pm

The battle goes on to Florida.

By the way, I love it when its all hot and moist down there. And I like Florida, too.

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Sort of like a wet fart.

snackypants January 22, 2012 at 12:28 am

So what is it: "Florida–America's shlong" or "Florida–America's wet fart"?

Rotundo_ January 22, 2012 at 12:05 pm

The latter describes it far more accurately and eloquently, especially in places like Boca Raton.

Toomush_Infer January 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

You are referring, Mz/r, to the limp eastward penis of the American coast, so please use your inside voice…

snackypants January 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm

After reflecting on it overnight, I believe it is "Florida: America's Overflowing Colostomy Bag."

GuanoFaucet January 21, 2012 at 8:10 pm

The wheels on the fail bus go round and round. Round and round.

Boojum_Reborn January 21, 2012 at 8:46 pm

The wheels on the bus fall off.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Fortunately it doesn't matter to these guys. They just keep driving forward, over the cliff.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Well, if it weren't for Obama's failed cliff policies…

Chichikovovich January 21, 2012 at 8:10 pm

When I think of Newt being the nominee I get all tingly. It's hard to imagine places like Utah and Wyoming going Democratic, but that could do it. Obama could be the first presidential candidate since George Washington to win every single elector.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

From your lips to the ears of any entity with the power to MAKE IT SO!

Steverino247 January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm
MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

If Picard pulls this one off he wins every single decoration the Federation has, dood.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

George Soros?

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I hope to hell Mr. Soros minds Steverino's every word and does make it so.

EDIT: Chichikovovich. Losing thread.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Um, Mississippi and Alabama, ruheally?? I think teh stoopid is just too strong there.

paris biltong January 22, 2012 at 5:34 am

Beware of overestimating the US electorate's intelligence. The most recent landslide that springs to mind is 1964, when a crazy conservative was convincingly beaten by a Texan asshole. In retrospect, Goldwater seems more innocuous today and Lyndon Johnson has acquired an aura of his own, but what attracts people to Gingrich today is perhaps similar to what they liked in Johnson then: that he's as grossly crude and unethical as they are.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

It's not so much people's intelligence that is at issue, but their ability to recognize a train wreck when it happens before their eyes, which is what I'm confident a national Newt campaign would be.

Right now Newt is buoyed by support from evangelicals, who make up a huge slice of the Republican hard-core, especially in places like SC. He has cultivated their leaders carefully over many years, he knows how to speak their code, and they have a repeatedly demonstrated willingness to accept the most greasy, despicable behavior as long as the greasy, despicable behaver loudly claims the unconditional get-out-of-sin-free lambs-blood bath that comes with saying "I did terrible, terrible things during a period when I had separated myself from God. But went humbly to the Savior and said "Sorry, man. I'll be good now, I promise. Mostly. With occasional backsliding, but you know how imProvidential we non-Divine types can be. Resist everything but temptation, knowatImean? Still, I think you'll find the bottom line in order: I absolutely believe that stuff about the crucifixion and resurrection, that You and God the Father are one, etc. So that's it, right? We're done here?" and he said: "Yep. Account square. Go and sin no more, except when you can't help it. See you in heaven, good buddy." So if you want to keep harping on the youthful indiscretions that happened [passive voice] when I was in my late 50s, take it up with Jesus."

[Though apparently even this gilt-edged maneuver isn't working nearly so well with Republican women as with men. Who could have predicted?]

Non-Evangelicals aren't so forgiving, and tend to regard this little dance as evident bullshit. And since Newt has thrown himself in front of every camera/microphone within sight for decades, there is a lot of material of him rabbiting on about the importance of character, how Clinton's behavior undercuts his fitness to be president, etc. A Fort Knox of material for negative ads, run by arms-length superPACs.

Of course, as Bush showed, an affable candidate who is disciplined about staying on message can skate by many problems. The way his team nullified the "Awol from the Texas National Guard" problem, bagging Dan Rather as an extra bonus, was just breathtakingly clever. Bush didn't have nearly as many archival missteps on tape to overcome, but more importantly Gingrich isn't disciplined. He is too much in love with his own risible self-conception as an "ideas man". When he's put under pressure, he will suddenly veer off script and say something self-damaging, and condescending to boot. As witness last week, when he might as well have burst into the "Internationale" on stage, and then backtracked madly when big donors called and threatened to change the combination to the locks on the money-bins. What did he think was going to happen? Also, Bush ran the "ordinary guy" act like a pro. Newt can't stop himself from talking down to his audience.

You're right that the most recent landslides have had Democrats as the victims, and the Johnson/Goldwater landslide is a poor comparison to this anticipated race in all sorts of ways. (Kennedy recently assassinated, widespread worries about nuclear war making people nervous about Goldwater's bellicose rhetoric, Nixon's Southern strategy not yet implemented, but even so Goldwater took the most of the South.) I'm imagining something more like a right-wing version of McGovern-Nixon. Incumbent versus someone on the hard right/left of his party, campaign dogged from the start by catastrophic unforced errors (Eagleton, "behind 1000%", etc.)

Newt's been able to pick up enough votes among the 27%ers to get a plurality in a primary where 27%ers are heavily represented, profiting also from the disappearance of Bachmann and the disappearance/endorsement of Perry, but I can't see his act flying in a national campaign. A few months ago, establishment Republican people like George Will and Bobo were speaking of Newt with open contempt. They'll naturally fall into line if Newt becomes the nominee, but I doubt that they will have much enthusiasm.

'Course I've been wrong about this sort of thing many times before. Even after 25 years here, I still can't believe how people like Newt can get away with saying that Black people are poor because they're ignorant and lazy, but as President, Gingrich would teach them how to get jobs and make them want jobs. Evidently I retain a lot of tone-deafness toward widespread American attitudes.

So if Newt becomes the nominee, I'll be carrying my recently renewed Canadian passport with me at all times.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I think a lot of our "horror" about the SC result should be tempered by the fact that only the Republicans contested there, and Obama won the primary in 2008. We are looking at only half (or much less) of the electorate in these 2012 contests.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Also, too, latest reports are stating that Stephen Colbert's Rally in SC outdrew all Republican rallies in the State. That sounds like good news right there. There may be lots of idiots in SC, but pls not to forget that they almost had a Democrat for Governor — Vince Sheheen, who pulled a pretty respectable chunk of votes despite the fact that Haley was a protege of Stanford, the previous governor.

sewollef January 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I want to say, 'me too' with my recently renewed Brit passport…. but the problem with that is, Newt as President, with the backing of evenjellycal nutcases might launch preemptive nastiness on Euro soil. I'd rather be somewhere else if that should happen.

It might — on balance — be safer to be in the belly of the beast.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Total WIN for "lamb's blood bath." That one is going down in the annals.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 8:11 pm

i feel comfortable knowing the leader of the free world is being vetted by south carolina.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Even better: http://www.talk2action.org/story/2012/1/20/161214
Eight Reasons Newt Gingrich is Emerging as the Religious Right's Anybody-but-Mitt Candidate

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Because he is such a slut? Is that number one?

Puffperney January 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Very good link. Thanks.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:13 am

RPerry sez "Newt is not perfect but who among us is? The fact is that there is forgiveness for those who seek God…" but what about those among us who are ALREADY looking for wife #4? sweet holy jeebus how many hypocritcal phony Xtain douchebags do they have room for in the Repugnant Party? (i know, I know…"ALL of them Katie")

Beowoof January 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I have always thought Home School State University would originate in South Carolina.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Is that the one that has "Draw Mr. Turtle" on matchbooks?

AnAmericanInTO January 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Today on Up! With Chris Hayes, still the most awesome, pastry-filled show to DVR on weekend mornings and watch much, much later, Chris called Newtie a full on racist and it was a glorious thing.
http://tiny.cc/gxwcf

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

"So racist it makes me want to curse on-air."

Me too!

I also would like for Chris to curse on air.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:17 am

funny how all the Repugnants are so PROUD to flaunt their bigotry and racism in front of their ignorant brain dead 'supporters'…it's who they are, it's what they do

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 9:52 pm

*suddenly attentive*

"Pastry-filled", you say?

AnAmericanInTO January 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

During the discussion, there are plates of breakfast treats on the table and occasionally you can catch a panelist sneaking something. Once, I believe on Christmas Eve, Chris's mom made banana bread for the show.

More roundtable shows should have snacks. More snacks and less yelling.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I LOVE that program. Did you see Melissa Harris-Perry drill Gary Johnson with the cold stare of death when he was dissing unions. I thought his head was gonna splode. I also love how, when someone asks Chris a question he wasn't expecting, his eyes roll up like he's trying to see his brain. Too cute.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I happened to catch the show, this morning, and my opinion of Elliot Spitzer fell totally through the floor. He was spouting on about how Citizens United was decided perfectly, and how he wouldn't like his "free speech" stiffled…it was worse than even some of the Republicans who ambivalently support the decision. The looks on MHP's face were priceless, and then the bastard interupted her the entire time she was trying to rebut him. What a fucking cad. Then Chris came in with MHP just out-and-out laying out the obvious about how Citizens United is different than the previous system, and Spitzer wasn't having it. Not because he couldn't understand them, but because he didn't want to. Smug bastard.

I was once of the progressive opinion that Wall Street took him down because of his work. It's more clear now than ever that it wasn't his policies they didn't like, but his style, because, honestly, it appears that they were scratching each other's respective backs.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

The thought of Calypso's fucking beak in the White House scares the bejesus out of me.

Chichikovovich January 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Rest easy. If Newt were to win the election there'd be a Mrs. Gingrich Mark IV rolled out before Inauguration day. It would take at least a few years for life with Newt to Callistify her.

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm

But no need to buy a mask for Hallowe'en at the White House. Saving, people, savings.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 11:06 pm

i don't think you need to think about it.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:21 am

well this jesus says "be not afraid my son" for it will NEVER happen in a million years, this lying, hypocritcal, phony Xtain corporate whore scumbag ain't getting anywhere CLOSE to the White House

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 10:42 am

He's already far close than I find comfortable …

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 3:36 am

Who's Beak? Her Secret Service body-man?

MissNancyPriss January 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

It baffles me to no end that she hasn't gotten a snout job. What's with that?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

Because Tiffany's doesn't offer them, duh!

YasserArraFeck January 22, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Who better to restore that building's laudable whiteness after four years of Kenyan occupation, but the world's whitest couple, the Georgia GorgeRiser and the Porcelain Pinnochia.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

wait third? where did colbert place?

NYNYNYjr January 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

So far, between Perry and Paul.

johnnyzhivago January 21, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Mitt is doing better than I thought a Mexican would do in such a conservative state.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Jeebus…the Newt super PAC guy is on MSNBC taking credit for the Clinton economy simply because Neuticles was Speaker during that time. What balls.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Well, Republicans DID warn us if the Clinton tax increase passed it would wreck the economy, so…there's that. Wait, it did pass? Well…ok, then.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Man, I step out for a quick trip to the grocery store on a Saturday night and Wonkette's exploded; over a hundred new comments to get through.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 8:48 pm

What did you get?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Bread cheese & lunchmeat to make sammiches, some microwave meals, soda and butter.

Oh and steuf for spagethi and cakes we like.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Eternity is two people and a ham. I made bean soup to get rid of that damned ham. Like an idiot, I am thawing out a turkey. Yeah, I won't get sick of that quickly.

Speaking of thawing turkeys, the next campaign stop is Florida, eh?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Four dicks have a pissing contest in America's wang.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm

"Eternity is two people and a ham. I made bean soup to get rid of that damned ham."

One year, the former Mr. Tessie and I made a ham for Thanksgiving. After several days, we got to the point of "if I have to eat ham one more time, I'll kill you, and then myself", and there was at least three-quarters of the ham left. At that point, TFMT got the bright idea to cut up the remaining ham into single portions and put it all in the freezer, to be thawed as needed.

Credit where it's due, the man was intelligent.

Chet Kincaid January 21, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Oh come on — what was low in the old liquor cabinet?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 11:28 pm

No, I hit the liquor store earlier in the day; this was the grocery store. And you can't buy alcohol in the grocery store in Pennsylvania.

forgracie January 21, 2012 at 8:15 pm

In totally unrelated news, Tiffany futures are way up…

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Time to invest?

johnnyzhivago January 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm

One thing Newt could use is a much younger looking wife – and really dumping the current one with a text message is how the kids do that these days.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I thought I was cutting edge when my g/f dumped me by email in 2004.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:29 pm

*Bleeding*-edge, dear.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Yes, that. Better off, but we are pretty good friends now.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 12:29 am

That's nice. No sense in hanging on to old grudges. Besides, y'all must've seen *some*thing good in each other once, right? I stay in touch with all my many exes, and we're mostly pretty good friends.

johnnyzhivago January 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Just to be on the safe side, I'm booking my flight out of the country on November 6, 2012 tonight…

Chillwillard January 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Ironically enough, Newt is winning an OPEN Primary….

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Perry was hoping for a closeted primary.

Texan_Bulldog January 21, 2012 at 8:20 pm

"Whining jewelry piglet and serial divorcing sac of ethics violations"

Oh, Ken…that is beyond awesome! Mitt might want to hire you to write his press releases.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I still like KBJ's "amoral jewelry-debt piglet" better.

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Let's face it. The South hates carpetbaggers more than they hate their own Sons of the South who repeatedly, and with glee, fuck them over, again, and again, and again. More clearly every day it is apparent that the Union forces won a Pyrrhic victory, and indeed, worse than that. Be careful what you ask for; the North wanted a Union. They got it. Now we are united with people whose sole goal it seems is to destroy the United States through aggressive ignorance and even more aggressive belief in evil fairy tales.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

It's all the fault of Rutherford B. Hayes, who agreed to end Reconstruction in exchange for the Presidency; under Ulysses S. Grant (who, btw, was a great President as well as a great general; smears by Confederate apologists ended up in the history books) it had been going well, and the Southerners were forced to behave, at the hands of Union troops, and black people were treated equally; then Hayes ended it and we had Jim Crow and the rise of the Klan.

GeorgiaBurning January 21, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Thank you! All quite true, and one reason that letting the losers get charged with writing the history of a war isn't a great idea if you want to avoid a second one.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Hear, hear!

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Newt is the definition of a carpetbagger. The guy is from PA, Santorum Country. Newt didn't get down to Georgia until he was an adult, I believe, and Santorum, coicidentally didn't get to PA (via Virginia) until his late teens/early 20's.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:31 pm

"Be careful what you ask for; the North wanted a Union. They got it. Now we are united with people whose sole goal it seems is to destroy the United States through aggressive ignorance and even more aggressive belief in evil fairy tales."

Letter perfect, and well worth the sad it gives me to read it.

Chet Kincaid January 21, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I got my freedom, so thanks a lot, if it wasn't too much trouble for you.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 3:06 am

OK, sure, well there's THAT…and the aqueducts…

Chet Kincaid January 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

And do you think the South is the only source of aggressive ignorance and aggressive fairy-tale belief?

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:35 am

funny, just last night I heard some bright young feller from California call in to a favorite librul talk show asking why we can't just cut these fuckers free once and for all since they have NO interest in a progressive democracy that actually serves the people, plus the fact that ALL of these Southern red states are welfare queens, sucking in more Fed tax dollars than they pay in (and that's not even counting al the Dept of War military bases that their scumbag reps have sucking off our collective teat) They want their fucking FREEDUMB! they can fucking have it, begone already

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Sigh. Once again, we can't do that because the country isn't actually put together that way. Every state is a patchwork of blue and red counties and pockets of different ethnicities, backgrounds and socio-economic strata. (Some politician or other spoke to this very eloquently in 2004, who was that?) At the very least, I personally would demand that the southern Black Belt be it's own independent nation.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:13 pm

"Some politician or other spoke to this very eloquently in 2004, who was that?"

Hitl–?
Oh, no, wait — that can't be right.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Listen, you. That's *my* line.

And that's the last time I'm tellin' ya that.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm

To be fair, Sam Rayburn was probably a bigger crook than Gingrich, just no body complained because he was smart enough to cut others a piece of his bribery gravy train.

Chichikovovich January 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Both crooks? Yes, I suppose that's true. But Sam Rayburn was a hard, ruthless man of few words who did what was necessary to take care of business, and Gingrich is a pompous, bloviating, undisciplined, whiny-ass crybaby poon-addicted weasel.

Given the choice, I guess it's Rayburn for me every time.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm

He was corrupt…FOR THE PEOPLE!

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Back when OK's Sen. Kerr was with Sam R. and LBJ, barreling over the sagebrush, tossing their empties out his Cadillac convertible, we got federal investment money.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Now they call federal investment money "interfering." I look forward to the return of hookworm in these parts.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:32 pm

*waves miniature pennant labeled "pellagra"*

Nostrildamus January 22, 2012 at 2:07 am

Oh take me back to the Swanee,
Where pellagra makes ya' scrawny,
And the jasmine and the tear gas
Smell just fine.

OC_Surf_Serf January 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm

White, womanizing, racist asshole wins in the State where the Civil War started.

Water is wet, popes shit in the woods, Strom Thurmond had a black child, etc. etc.

NorbertsRevenge January 21, 2012 at 8:25 pm

While it would be nice to think that the Powers That Be just shat their pants, on second thought I'm sure they can cope with another 4 years of radical Kenyan Marxist Socialism.

gogogodzilla January 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Mencken: "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."

GeorgiaBurning January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

True enough. History shows that when a royal family or totalitarian party doesn't provide a big enough idiot to satisfy people they'll find one themselves.

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Santorum's libel.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:34 pm

The 2012 version of that definition would surely include the word "santorum", no?

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm

NB: FoxNews.com has a live feed (NB: not cable Fox, these people seem reasonably informed). Or there's a MSNBC feed here.

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Oh, and thanks the hat-tip… I shall gracefully accept it and pass it on to V572 the Merciless who gave me the link for a previous debate night.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 8:29 pm

"SOAP" act?, "Internet Gambling"?. Uncle Ron has some inspired rambling tonight.

Puffperney January 21, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Of course, this was the same state that allowed itself to be baited by Lincoln into firing on Ft. Sumter. Not surprising that their emotional ideation of Gingrich and Obama debating overrode the electibility factor.

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

It is to larf! Serial adulterer and hypocrite extraordinaire wins in the Buckle of the Bible Belt. I love it, I just fucking love it.

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

The biggest hypocrites with the smoothest tongues come from Dixieland. Or, in Newt's case, the most pandering.

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Oh he's a smooth-talker, all right. Only problem is, his voice, like Palin's, gives me the fucking heebe-jeebies.

LetUsBray January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Seriously, he sounds like Kermit the Frog's evil twin. Or more accurately, the unholy Mutant Spawn of Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Albino pig-frog. I think you might have nailed it.

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Ewwwww. I don't often say that, but Ewwwwww!

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:44 am

maybe a braying piggy?

weej_bain January 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

And war wimp to boot. Can we trade him to the Taliban for a Mullah to be named later?

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Yeah, that cyst on his ass is all gone now. Turns out that was his conscience.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Can we make a "Money Bomb" to finally buy Ken some cable ?

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

So he can spend all his time watching scrambled porn?

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Now Santorum will address his supporters.

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I bet they're athletic.

Dashboard Buddha January 21, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Man….this is Xmas in January. Neither Mitt or Newt can continue without ramping up the crazy. Every bizarre sound bite will like candy to the Obama campaign. Granted, I'm not the Obama fan I used to be, but I will probably enjoy voting for him in the fall.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:38 pm

All the Santorum males are wearing sweater vests! Except Rick hisself.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Apparently, it's contagious.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Hey, so Santorum is speaking and I just totally had a flashback to that fateful nite in, um, was it 2006 when his entire family went on stage and had a sad. That photo is forever etched in my mind…

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 9:18 pm

i want to see the 2012 version. is that around does anyone know?

succalina January 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

me too!!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm

The frothy mix should know better than to wag his finger like that. Makes him look like a schoolmarm…more so.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Somehow, I feel sure that he knows more than one way to wag his finger.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Man Ricky's kids still look creepy.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

It's not their fault. They were forced to hug a dead baby when they were young.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:13 pm

It's hereditary.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

url please?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Well this was just on the TV, during his speech.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:37 pm

You mean you seriously don't already know about Gabriel the Jar Fetus and want a link to the story?

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Bachmann still got 213 votes. Do some people in South Carolina have no access to running water either?

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

When you've decided to stay in the 18th century, no matter what, you have to make certain concessions.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Don't Tread on their complete and total right to ignorance.

Mahousu January 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Least surprising statistic: In a state that is 66% white, 28% black and 6% other, the voters in the Republican primary were 99% white. Sully has a picture of the single black voter. He may have just come to fix the heat pump, though.

Crank_Tango January 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm

so what you are saying, is black and other people are racist against republicans?

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Fixed it for you. http://bit.ly/yshNi3

LowProfileinGA January 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

The 1% never looked so blah.

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 9:54 pm

In South Carolina, even the "hallowed halls of democracy" have trashed furniture in the front yard.

Does the state house have a Trans Camero on cinder blocks in front?

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 3:39 am

Brooks Biden was here.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Again with the it takes a village vs it takes a family. Apparently, Santorum is unaware that families live in villages, meaning that Hillary never meant that families did not count: she simply made the obvious observance that societies influence child development too.
Moran.

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Of course, Fox has decided to call it a night already.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Olbermann looks thrilled to be working tonight.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I'm beginning to think the only "Countdown" he's thinking about is to the end of his Current contract.
(See what I did there?)

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Yes, I did. Very clever. Feel my upfist of appreciation.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Rick Santorum is a pathetic douche. This much is clear.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

CBS:
Former Penn State head football coach Joe Paterno, who is battling lung cancer, is near death, The Citizens’ Voice reports.

Wow, Newt's surprise victory really hit some people hard!

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Riot for child sex abuse!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 8:46 pm

So that's why Penn State divorced him!

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Here comes the 9/11 pandering….fuck you, Rick. Yes, we know you're a hick from Pennsyltucky. Now go home to yr. guns and bibles.

MissNancyPriss January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

and fridge-fetus(es).

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Satorum, you are the most anti-choice candidate in the race. How dare you say you're defending fundamental freedoms when you hate freedom. HOW DARE YOU!

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:55 pm

He meant the freedom for PA citizens to pay for his kids' schooling no matter what state their school is in.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I believe the kids are all home-schooled, lest they face the rigid rod of reality.

MissNancyPriss January 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

What I wouldn't give for one of these pussy debate moderators to ask that frothy fckface about his gaming the PA school system.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Because he is a Republican?

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Some free-dums are more fundamental than others.

Straight white Xtians put the 'duh' in fundamental, BTW.

SheriffRoscoe January 21, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Dear Ken, Thank you for the alt-text as it was awesome.

weej_bain January 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

We are reduced to watching the POLITICO livestream. Jesus, we could do a better election night broadcast by pointing our webcam at the refrigerator.

Ken, are you honestly surprised? Really and for true?????

LSM mantra: All the newz that fits we shit.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Oh, and your grandfather had a lot more sense than you; his working-class values included supporting Communism, which is why he fled the fascists.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:45 pm

And now his grandson *is* a fascist, circle of life, yadda yadda yadda.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Barack Obama very much approves this message.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Barack Obama ^^ laughs his fucking ass off as he ^^ very much approves this message.

FIFY, NNTT

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Hold on to your guns and your Bibles! AND YOUR SEATS!!!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:45 pm

As a Pittsburgh native, I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off that Santorum goes on about how he is from the area. That fucker left long ago (thank God) but not without taking $100K from an economical­ly struggling PA school district to home school his kids while he lived in Virginia?
There is a reason Allegheny County (that's where Pittsburgh is located for those of you who aren't from there) voted 70% for Bob Casey in 2006…

Schmegeg January 22, 2012 at 2:04 am

Thank you Bob Casey. I have no doubt Rick would be flying high in this race if he had won in 2006.

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

Though he's better than Santorum, and I voted for him in 2006 after voting against him in the primary, I don't think I can go so far as to say "thank you" to that practically-a-Republican ass; he is, for one, possibly the highest profile Dem who believes the government should be allowed to control women's uteruses.

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

L'Borto? Sacreligio!

Bob Casey is just another cafeteria Catholic, with an hard-on over abortion & blinders for war & paedophilia.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Wee prick Rick?

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Clearly, his dick is numb. Otherwise he wouldn't be so strict about sexual relations being only for procreation, and he wouldn't be so willing to club his constituents with it.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Shut up you tight-arsed, frothy, narrow-minded fuck.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:47 pm

If he places 3rd in Florida he'll probably have to drop out. Newt vs Mittens. This could go on till May. I'll have to get a temp job to buy extra bourbon.

OneDollarJuana January 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

It'll go on until Tiffany's cuts him off.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Um, Rick, your party does not want people to have the opportunity to rise in society; for that, we need higher taxes on the rich and more government spending.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Did someone just yell "Rick, you're gay!"?

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Think the Santorum kids have ever watched South Park? Or even Teletubbies?

Chichikovovich January 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Those kids can't even watch "Davey and Goliath" because one time Goliath suggested Davey do something nice for a poor person.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Is that weird-eyed daughter holding the fetus' hand?

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:50 pm

"Faith, family, and freedom"
So much for the economy…so much for jobs…

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:47 pm

"Faith, family, and freedom"

Translation: MY freedom to make everybody else follow MY faith.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:50 pm

If you think marriage is so important, then why do you want to deny millions of Americans the right to get married?

Mahousu January 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

He wants marriage to be safe, legal, and rare.

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

Plus, Marcus has the right to marry… He can marry Michele.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Oooh, Ricky likes that muzzle he got from the troops…Rick Perry must be highly jealous…

SheriffRoscoe January 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Rick should henceforth refrain from using the phrase "wide open."

Puffperney January 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm

So, how would that go exactly? First "other woman", First 'adulteress" (is that a word even?), First Homewrecker? ….the possibilities are limited only by the thesaurus and the urban dictionary.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Wow, Joe Paterno just passed away. Sandusky, you're next. (fingers crossed)

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Hopefully post-conviction, in a prison bathroom, involving a broomstick.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

From your lips to prison Bubba's ears.

Maman January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Joe got saved the future humiliation. A kindness he didn't deserve or give to Sandusky's victims.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I look forward to the Santorum vs. Biden debate, since Frothy is obviously running for VP now.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

hehehehe.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Re: the MSNBC chat Ken posted: Hodor! Hodor Hodor Hodor!

chascates January 21, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I hoped they'd have Ron Paul's reaction but he probably just taped the Matlock rerun and went to bed early. About 8.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

They had it earlier. He yammered on and on about liberty and the gold standard, so you didn't miss anything.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Oops. No time for the liveblog, except for waiting for Newt's Bombastic oratory, with which he will bless the little people.

Rs really, really dislike Mitt, don't they?

chascates January 21, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Moderate Republican (so perceived) = Democrat = Socialist = European.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm

More than I think most of us expected. Nate Silver finally conceded today (yesterday?) that there might be a thread of less-than-positive sentiment about Mitt.

weej_bain January 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

So what is Newt gonna use to buy teevee time in Florida given he has none money. Put it on the tab? Will Tiffany co-sign?

Puffperney January 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Newt don't need no stinkin' tv air time purchase.

Mahousu January 21, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Obama might want to finance him.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Obama might want do well to finance him.

FIFY, NNTT

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 12:21 am

The PACs that he's not coordinating with will do the dirty work for him.

Thing is, in Florida, where they routinely elect known criminals to office, what good are negative ads? The ponderous TeeVee voice is going on and on about how candidate X tortures bunny rabbits and eats puppies alive, and the voters are all "yeah, well, whatever."

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:00 pm

At Newt's HQ they are playing Prince's "Let's Party Like It's 1999" Hilarious!
(that's the year he kissed the big boot)

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Did they get Prince's permission? I smell a lawsuit!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Something tells me that Prince is not a Newt fan.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

He's also famously quick to file suit at any hint of copyright violation.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Quick, email him!

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I don't know. He's a staunch Jehovah's Witless, now, and they are truly stranger than Mormons, and more important, far more unpredictable. lol

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

I remember PitchforkMedia, c. '02, having a newswire about Prince going door to door in suburban Minneapolis, during a Vikings game, & not getting any bites for Jehovah.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Nor is Newt a Prince fan, although Rick Perry covets the assless chaps.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

Much like Elton John performing at Rushbo's wedding, amazing things can happen if there's money involved.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Damn. I heard this on Countdown and you beat me to it. Ham, turkey? Is that part of your brain that determines menus stuck somewhere between Thanksgiving and Easter?

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I'm trying to empty the freezer out so that I can fill it with ice cream.

HistoriCat January 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

I want to go over to Barb's for a nice meal or ten.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

You are welcome in my home always. I'm making a full Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, lol.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

For after the horse spittle?

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Newt (and the rest of the Rs) like to party like it's 1899.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 10:59 am

1799 – less of that awful 13th/14th Amendment action.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Oh God, Newt's victory speech is coming up. I was going to bail, but this train wreck is irresistible…

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Florida will be a veritable Bloodbath of the Brain Cells. It's not getting any more Sane out there.

chascates January 21, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I start out with a splash of seltzer but end up with it straight. It's so much easier to finish the next morning that way.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Newton Leroy Gingrich thanks you, Citizens United Not Timid.

Sharkey January 21, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Forty Whole Percent. Slow clap for the Gecko, oops I mean, Newt.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I just Tweeted to Newt:
Hey Newt! Pull out, zip up, go find Callista and get your hateful speech over with!

Wonder if he'll answer? LOL!

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I'm aprayin' ta GAWD that Newt Nasty wins the nom. We'll have to listen to one of these horrible things for the next 10 months. I prefer the sleazy-yet-smooth bloviating of a silver-haired genital wart over the shrill fritzing bleeps of a decommissioned NYSE traderbot.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 9:59 pm

I rather like your description of the two contenders.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Thanks, you!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Rachel Maddow just referred to Newt's "I'm gonna kill you" vibe.
Good description.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:29 pm

For someone who doesn't have one-tenth of one percent of any of the positive qualities of anyone here, and yet, somehow, is being seriously talked about as a Presidential candidate, he's amazingly cranky and pissy most of the time.

We've all met someone like that — either annoyed or less annoyed — never pleased, never appreciative, never grateful.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Tweety just said VIBRAPHONE and EROGENOUS ZONES in a politically descriptive speech!

I love politics.

Maman January 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

What really nasty thing is Newt going to say? It boggles the imagination.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:10 pm

According to the France 24 correspondent I'm watching now, Newt ran ads against Romney talking about his money, interspersed with clips of rappers flashing cash. Wow. And I thought his racist dog-whistles couldn't get any worse.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Rom-negro?

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

FFS, Mormon is the new black now? Why doesn't he go all out and go speak at a KKK convention?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Because he has to try and couch the racist message with plausible deniability; but he knows who he's targetting.

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

No no, Santorum is using the (im)plausible deniability. Newt's approach is more "bluster through any inconvenient questions."

Did he ever actually deny asking for that open marriage?

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Well, he said "Elite Media" is making "Decent" candidates not want to run for offices. I think he's right, if we only use Newt Gingrich's Decency as our sample size.

PubOption January 22, 2012 at 10:37 am

No, and after hearing Newt's blustering attack on the media, the moderator just pocketed the bribe Newt gave him for asking the question, and didn't press for the facts.

arihaya January 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

uh he did speak at the Southern Republican Conference,,, so there

imissopus January 21, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Maybe it was Newt's SuperPAC with which he is of course NOT coordinating or communicating in any way, and he'll be sure to do the honorable thing and denounce these heinous ads forthwith.

Whew, made it all the way through typing that without laughing.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

So, maybe I'm missing something, but how is whiter-than-white Mittens in any way shape or form connected with, you know, black rappers?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

It isn't; it's supposed to just be an attack on Mitt, but by using rappers the subtext is that they are undeservingly rich, and telling white racists that Newt is one of them. I don't know if Newt is racist or just cynically courting the racist vote; but both are equally bad so it doesn't really matter.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Ah, OK. Some of this stuff is so very mystifying to me.

Nostrildamus January 22, 2012 at 2:17 am

Alternative interpretation: just put some negroes on the screen and the resulting spewing volcano of viewer hatred will attach itself to whatever's near by, in this case – Romney.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Romney talking about his money is like black rappers flashing cash.
Black rappers are black and so is you-know-who!
Therefore, Romney is Obama!
Vote Gingrich!

weej_bain January 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Leadership Newtstyle. Gets introduced and five ten minutes later he still can't find the podium. ed: Does he need stool softener?

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

The podium, his sense of shame, same difference.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Just the thought of having to listen to him speak tonight has me worshiping at the Imodium podium. Jeffery won't change the channel.

weej_bain January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Barb, although it means 10 moar months of having to listen to his arrogant blather, if Newt gets the nod, the Rethugs can kiss the House goodbye. Give Jeffery our best, I have to head home to Mrs. weejee for dinner.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I'm stealing "Immodium podium," Barb. Just FYI.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 2:50 pm

So does that mean you are running in this election?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Wouldn't it be awesome if some prankster switched his stool softener with his Viagra?

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Damn, I thought the other thread was the liveblog. :( I literally missed it by a half an hour, it looks like.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I was wondering why you had all those comments there that seemed like they belonged up here!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Me too! I have to come up with some kind of System.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Jeb Bush is not endorsing, which supposedly that hurts Mittens. According to the MSNBC talking heads, Jeb is one of the most popular polits in FLA for some reason.
I am not sure which of these two sentences frightens me more…

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm

You guys, wanna make your heads explode?
Try to figure out the following:
Who looks more like a pig, Jeb Bush or Newt?

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:07 am

Jeb thinks, "I can parachute ME there at a fucked-up convention!"

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:13 am

Jeb can claim residency in Maine, Kennebunkport, & still pick Rubio as his running mate, in the event.

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Consider the Florida alternatives. "Most popular" has rarely been this much of a left-handed compliment.

HistoriCat January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Newt is finally getting that lead he so richly deserves. He's such an amoral bully – really the perfect fit for today's Republican party.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Steve Schmidt on MSNBC: we are seeing a war on Gingrich by the Republican establishment.
With apologies to Harry Truman:
If we see that the Republican establishment is winning we ought to help Newt and if Newt is winning we ought to help the Republican establishment, and that way let them kill as many as possible, although I don't want to see Newt victorious under any circumstances. Neither of them thinks anything of their pledged word.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:35 pm

"we are seeing a war on Gingrich by the Republican establishment"

Really, what are these people smoking?
If it weren't for the Republican establishment, Newt would have the kind of job he could actually get on merit, e.g., mop boy at Jizz World.

Gainsbourg69 January 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Newt won because the repo cons think he's the only one who can take the fight to Barry. I hope they keep thinking that and hand him the nomination.

Extemporanus January 21, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Hurry up with that clawjob, Calista — Daddy's got a smug-ass speech to give!

*FAK FAK FAK*

Extemporanus January 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

THANK YOU!

Radiotherapy January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Where is Owls? He might have some insight into avian on amphibian action.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I figured avian/porcine, but yours is good, too.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

The good news is that Newt won't have to come up with a victory speech in Virginia.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Time for the triumphalism…

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm

memento felati

cheaphits January 22, 2012 at 2:42 am

This is good news for Rush Limbaugh and his minions.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm

And heeeeeere's Newty!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Our "son in laws?' Newt, it's "sons-in-law" you fat fuck!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I love how the crowd chants "Newt can win!" They know, deep down, that this is not the case…

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Who said "if repeat a lie often enough …?

glamourdammerung January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Who said "if repeat a lie often enough …?

Well, that is the basis of conservativism at this point.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Reagan, as if there was any doubt.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I'm so waiting for Callista to lick her eyeballs with her tongue to clear the dust off.

BTW: Will the redneck that keeps shouting "A whole Newt world" STFU, already? Thanks.

PubOption January 22, 2012 at 10:41 am

O brave Newt world, that has such people in it.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

Were it not for Nixon, Callista could have been the first White House occupant with nictitating membranes.

Crank_Tango January 22, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Newt World Order! Chemtrails!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Hey Callista, holler if ya swaller!

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

oh this is all just delicious.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Calista's going for that Cindy McCain runs for First Lady look, isn't she? That hair is as unmovable as Mitt's

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:31 pm

The guy standing between Newt and Callista looks scared. As if he has come to realize, now that he's worked closely with Newt, what a disaster a Gingrich presidency would be…

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Newt just had a come-from-behind (not Santorum), and he still sounds angry and sober? Fucker should be jumping for joy, the ungrateful bastard. You bitter asshole, you.

Gawd, his disdain for his audience has come to life. Professor Newt arrived, tonight.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:08 pm

He really is a pissy, spiteful shithead, isn't he?

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 1:22 am

That crowd was crazy about him, and every time someone hollered or cheered him he looked like he wanted to yell "STFU." Even in victory he can't be sated. It was disgusting to watch; and then he prattles on for, what, a half-an-hour as if his audience wanted him to go over 100 years of American history as if that is relevant to the night. I get on Mitt, alot, for he fakeness, but Newt is so personally greedy it's disgusting. He's greedy for everything, but none more than fame and power. I get Mitt's greed; he's your typical, run-of-the-mill greedy multimillionaire. Newt is just a glutton for attention in the very worst way.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Hey what did NYC ever do to you asshole.

CountryClubJihadi January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Can we put a falcon hood on Calista? She is distracting.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I never realized just how thin-lipped she is.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh, that has so much win it it.

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm

". . . Falcon hood on Calista." Love it. Will steal.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Def. will steal. When the right description comes along, you know it.

jodyleek January 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Sounds like a great idea. But tell me, how are you going to convince
her to look inside the engine of a Ford Falcon?

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Oh look – something sparkly!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

"Elites who want to force us to stop being American" huh?

chascates January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Nothing is more common than a multimillionaire PhD.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Remember, we're in Republican Bizarro Land, where projection and self-pity are the order of the day.

"They're forcing us" means "They're not letting us force them".

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Newt: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".

Crowd: Mutates Insanely, Eats the remaining Humans in the arena, shambles outside looking for flesh

Newt's new tentacles wave happily.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm
C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 11:20 pm

AH hahahaha! Wonderful.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

He articulates the deepest felt values of the American people? Puh-lease.

Plus, how many drunk lunatics are in the audience?

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Fill In The Blank:

"All Of Them, ______?"

Nostrildamus January 22, 2012 at 2:23 am

Hitler?

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Well, i love fucking everything in sight, stealing money, and I have Plenty of ethics violations.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Well God, KenLayIsAlive, way to turn on your own wonketteers.

Ohhh…them. Right, then.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:41 pm

"He articulates the deepest felt values of the American people?"

Racism and sluttiness?

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

"It's not that I am a good debater" I am a MASTURBATOR!

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Callista can get his dick in sideway in that mouth of hers, that must be the reason for the happy marriage.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:37 pm

No way it's happy. But how much blingee did it take for her to pretend?

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:16 am

She is also very good at pecking off his corns, both literally and euphemistically.

MissNancyPriss January 22, 2012 at 11:22 am

blech

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Reagan, DRINK!

hilbillyheroine January 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm

The future First Mistress….her botox mouth could suck an elephant's dick. Wait, what is that you say? That whoring borg has sucked fat elephant dick for years? Give that bitch a U.S. Credit card and let her buy some whitey house china.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

China by Tiffanys. Yes they can.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

That's one Reagan! How many more to come?

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I'm going for Israel, DRINK. He's talking to Florida now.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Jesus. I knew it would be bombastic but declaring himself the most articulate person in the world seems a little over the top, having just won a primary in one of the most douchey states in the union.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

*COUGH*Bullshit*COUGH*

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:18 pm

*cough*blowjob*cough*eatme

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

DELTAS RULE!

OC_Surf_Serf January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Newt is just like Reagan…he has lost his fucking memory of all the shit he has done!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

And he drops his wife for any women that can give better head.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Shorter Newt: Santorum has no money, you're wasting your anti-Romney vote on him.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh god. Cut the USA USA USA crap, you vile cunts.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

USA! USA! USA! DRINK!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm

How do four rich white Christian men "come from a wide range of backgrounds"?

arihaya January 22, 2012 at 2:52 pm

one Catholic, one Baptist-turned-Catholic, one Mormon and one ,,, ummm, oops

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 3:15 pm

and one with a background in eyebrow farming.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

"You sort of just now captured the heart of this campaign"
Brainlessly chanting USA! USA! USA!
Yep, that's the heart of Newt's campaign alright…

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Who believes this amoral pussy hound?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Certainly not his ex-wives, and probably not even his spouse du jour.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

"We can rebuild the America that we love"
Yeah, with child labor!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Hey, Barb! I'm runnin' out of GOLD STARS!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Love ya, thanks!

biblioteq_tress January 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Is he talkin 'bout the elites who spend $600,000 at Tiffany's, not a puny $500,000?

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Yes. Newt's not elite. He's intellectual. As he never ceases telling us.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Seven three hour debates for the general election, huh?
JFC…

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Newt and Rick: get a room you two.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:37 pm

7 3-hr debates! #winning!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Seven three-hour debates? Man Newt loves hearing himself talk.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Teleprompterz! DRINK!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Ha, teleprompter joke; that's one, one racist dogwhistle.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Meaningless Saul Alinksy reference: DRINK!

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I find myself waiting for someone to yell "Kill the nigger".

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I'm sure it can't be far off. Let that "Natural Light" beer do it's work for a few more minutes.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

This is the most vile speech I have heard outside of the Military Channel on a Hitler Marathon.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Godwin Win!

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Thanks you.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:44 pm

You know who else had a marathon… oh, crap.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:57 pm

What speech was it, Newt's victory crow?

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:26 am

I would almost dip into my 401k to pay someone to yell that at a southern Newt speech.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Do they really think this guy is smarter than Hopey? Or are they doing the human microphone thing for Newt?

MissNancyPriss January 21, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Who is "Hopey"?

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

They really believe it, too. It's like fucking opposite world. Jesus hates the poor, the south will rise again. And Hopey is the lucky student who's gotten a free ride from America.

DerrickWildcat January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Gingrich/Cain – Swinger Party 2012!!!

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

If you go on any of the message boards where trolls gather (or butt in), they still aren't pro-Gingrich or pro-anyone else. They're just still against Obama. (Of course there's the Paultard contingent but that's a different troll.) The RNC and Tea Trolls are just Nobama, Nobama. I have a feeling they'll keep this circus running for months to come by splitting the stupid vote.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Just to make sure we're all on the same page here….South Carolina is the state that elected legendary racist philandering hypocrite Strom Thurmond to office…(**counts on fingers**)…TEN times.

So, yeah….no surprises tonight.

LowProfileinGA January 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

To give credit to Strom, he did support his mixed race daughter, Essie Mae Washington-Williams in contrast to Newt who went the deadbeat route.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 11:20 am

"More vile than Strom Thurmond" is an incredible accomplishment – Newt really is exceptional.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I'm getting such a contact drunk on, you guys!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm

And now Saul Alinsky. Do any of this crowd even know who he is? This is just one meaningless right-wing talking point after another.

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Same people who think the Weathermen tried to blow up the entire Pentagon with everyone inside, instead of just knocking out a bunch of pipes and calling in a warning to make sure no one was nearby first.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

"She will be a great first lady" Honey, she ain't no lady and she ain't the first.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh, boy. That was good; that was real good.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Thanks sugar britches.

Chet Kincaid January 21, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Dollface Libel!!

Barb January 22, 2012 at 12:00 am

For the first time someone has used the "_____Libel!" reference that made me laugh, until I snorted. You are the KING!

biblioteq_tress January 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Thank you. Many of us will be stealing this line tomorrow. Will remember you each time, though!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Help yourself!

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

That's what she said.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Classic, Negropolis!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Another "Teleprompter" joke? Obama can kick your ass, son. He's a genuine intellectual, knows how to debate and knows things beyond flat headed catch phrases.

Oh, and Fuck You.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Besides which, he's by no means the only President/politician/public figure to use a teleprompter, but I guess it's only terrible when the blah guy does it.

MissNancyPriss January 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

Oh how i wish they would outlaw teleprompters and we could see our blah president go at it with these low borderline ree taards (yes Newt, I include you you half baked historian) like a 5th grader at a Palin family words with friends marathon.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

"Artificially Inflated Ego and Random Insult Generator debates Intellectually Capable Constitutional Scholar and Respected World leader. Film at 11.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Yeah, I can just imagine a Obama & Newt debate. Only minutes into it, after Obama has destroyed Newt's false assertions & complete lies, Newt has a full-on meltdown & just starts yelling racist insults. Sadly, if the debate is hosted by CNN or Fox News, Newt would still get the most applause.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 7:09 pm

What I'm thinking is that Newtie will blow somewhere short of the General. He's like one of those dynamite loaded 6X6's in that movie Sorcerer. You know that it's got to happen, just a question of when.
As much as I'd purely love to see a Newt/Barry KO, I think that a Gingrich run would so wreck, violate and contaminate our public discourse that we'd all be miserable for years. I've heartilly had enough of that shit – esp. from that pigfucker.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:19 pm

As they say in some parts of this great country, "Hit don't make me no never mind." Once Hopey cleans Newt's clock live, on air, the only people still supporting Newt will be those frantically fapping FAILtardz in RightWingNuttia, sobbing morosely onto the giant stacks of orange Cheeto dust that surrounds them.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm

What more evidence do you need? They don't use teleprompters at debates. Obama has proven about 1,000 times that he can handle himself off-the-cuff. The teleprompter business is just a gigantic lie, and a meaningless one at that.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:26 pm

There are some idiots in Rightwingnuttia that find it unbearable that a man with pigment in his skin can outthink and outmanoeuvre them. Those are the people who need the myth of the teleprompter. After all, a coke-snorting, crack-smoking, Affirmative-Action-benefiting, food-stamp-taking Black Muslim Manchurian candidate couldn't *possibly* be so educated and articulate as to take on the flower of Southern white manhood and stomp it to dust — could he?

Their world is collapsing, and they must cling to whatever is close to hand. The President called it years ago, when he said they cling to their guns and religion.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 1:00 am

I just hope they aren't able to cling to their guns and get too close to him.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:21 pm

I really don't get the RW's criticism of using teleprompters. Reagan had to use them to remember his own name.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:53 pm

No snark: Reagan had to have fo-net-ick teleprompters after they put the word "paradigm" on his teleprompter and he pronounced it "paradijjum".

Fucking moron.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:52 am

Thing is, that fucking moron was WAY better educated, informed, and read than any of the doofi on the dais, with the sole exception of Mittens, who at least has some intellectual heft.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Anti-religious bigoted elite!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Fifty four pages on the religious bigotry that supposedly exists?
tl; dr

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I don't know how anyone can refer to the likes of Chuck Todd, John King, and Megyn Kelly as the "elite media." Just sayin'.

Radiotherapy January 22, 2012 at 1:55 am

I think they were referring to Wolf Blitzer.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Wolf is the Larry King of CNN.

Wait, wha?

hilbillyheroine January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Callista Gingrich chosen as FIRST WHORE nominee, from the great state of South Cakilakky.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

And now he's supporting bigotry while complaining he's against "anti-religious bigots". Newt, why do you hate the Constitution?

NYNYNYjr January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

I will be much happier with Gingrich as the nominee. I won't have to go out and volunteer all the time and cold call lists of voters. Any VP ideas? Charles Keating, Jack Kemp…oohh How bout Oliver North?

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Palinz? Afterall, she has been done that vetting thing she was screeching about the other day.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Herman Cain. Got to be Herman Cain.

Radiotherapy January 22, 2012 at 1:56 am

John Bolton?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Michael Bolton?

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Newt: If I had a bucket of Meat and enough time, I could get a dog pack to do anything I wanted them to.

You're nuthin' special. Asshole.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Food stamp President! That's two, two racist dogwhistles!

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 11:20 pm

you know, just like a wingtard, i dream of barry debating newt.

only in my version, it ends differently

i'm pretty sure my version is closer to reality.

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Oh, now, that wouldn't be the tired old lie – that more people started receiving food stamps under Obama than under any other president?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Thank you for the cite.

bagofmice January 21, 2012 at 9:41 pm

The substance of Santorum coming from k-lo's finger tips?

Dear brain, please be less visual. Here's more gin.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Food stamps! DRINK!

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:04 pm

The joke is on Newt, Jeff and I bought our Stella Artois WITH food stamps!

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:42 pm

"Independency?" God, I've just gotten over W's incoherent grammar…

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Newt is so patriotic that he masturbates to the thought of eating apple pie off of Betsy Ross' cleavage.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

So that's what a "window sill" is.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Yeah, but it's the pie that gets him hot, not the cleavage.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Tenth Amendment and State's Rights! That's three, three racist dogwhistles!

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Fucker sure takes a lot of credit for what President Clinton got done with NO HELP from speaker gingrich.

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

What about a president who kisses Saudi kings and holds their hands?

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

No bowing to a Saudi King, hand holding only.

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Newt would explore his "open marriage" options with King Saud.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Ricky did get glitter bombed
http://twitter.com/#!/Lindsey_CBSNJ/status/160908

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"…bows to a Saudi King." Uh, or strolls the grounds holding hands with him, like the Not-to-be-Mentioned- George W?

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Yeah, Louisiana residents are going to love the idea of natural gas royalties from their state going to modernize the port of another state…WTF?

Steverino247 January 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Any media worth calling "elite" are either dead or retired. What we've got now are sports writers trying to cover politics.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Not to mention Entertainment Tonight in Hollywood Bravo!, also covering politics.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Only One guy was able to do that and get away with it…RIP, Hunter.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Newt's talking about slimming something down? Oh now that's ironic.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

He HAS lost weight since he entered this thing. But he doesn't look any less like a potential heart attack.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:07 pm

He could lose a LOT more before anybody noticed.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Fuck Study! Evidence Based Decisions, Fagh! Just run headlong into things and it'll all be OK!

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:46 pm

No one wants the vice presidency worse than Santorum. I'll bet he's got a team of grad students locked in the cellar right now calculating how he can deliver the blue-collar rust belt vote and the evangelicals. (Can you say Reagan Democrats?) He'll be presenting the results to Rinse Peebot on Monday.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:02 pm

LOL: "Rinse Peebot"

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

"Santorum. I'll bet he's got a team of grad students locked in the cellar right now calculating"

Umm… yeah. *That's* why Santorum locked a team of young, buff grad students in the cellar — they're calculating. *That's* the ticket.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Oh, tessiee, Y U so suspishus?

KenLayIsAlive January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

And we won't get any fucking oil spills like the BP spill either, will we, you fat fuck.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Notice he didn't say we would get any of the oil either.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Radical left-wing friends in San Francisco! That's one, one homophobic dogwhistle!

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 10:20 pm

How are they SO GOOD at that?

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:48 pm

If they keep this up, "radical" will become a thoroughgoing badge of honor. It sure beats being in concert with these despicable pusbaggers.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I just can't keep up with the douchebaggery.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Uh, Newt…There's already been a Canadian-Chinese Energy partnership in Alberta. For Years. All the Transnationals are invested up there, You Fucking Moron.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Don't anyone tell him the Chinese have the nucular bomb, too, also!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Gingrich Freak Out in 5…4…3..

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm

This man makes me feel ill.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

His wife is too nasty to be in the White House.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

These people are simply vile, that speech was mean-spirited and disgusting, it was as if he got his talking points from Free Republic.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm

That 3 hour X 7 speeches shit is just strange. I think even those who hate Hopey agree that he gives incredible speeches and I wouldn't want to debate him.

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:39 pm

and he could croon Al Green at Newt, to calm him down.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Me and one of my partners watched him on TV making love to the fundraising crowd (Hopey, that is), and the man has *incredible* charisma. *Incredible.* It's like Level 11 *charisma* with sparkles on top.

I'm starting to pity whoever has to debate him come election time, babies. My money's on Hopey fer shure, now.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

callista is too nasty for honey badger.

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 10:05 pm

And generally honey badgers don't give a shit.

(sorry)

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm

True, but Nancy Reagan was just as nasty, and it didn't stop her.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Yes, but Reagan was an amiable, avuncular old fool. Newt's just as nasty as Cuntista. Not a good combo.

fuflans January 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

i know right? and i feel horribly cheap celebrating his victory tonight and will no doubt pay tomorrow.

but it sure as hell feels good right now.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Hey, there might be one person in the audience with a brain. After Gingrinch went on about Saudi Arabia doing a nuclear contract with the Chinese because the Saudis don't trust Obama, I heard an incredulous "what?"
The buyer's remorse is already starting…

NellCote71 January 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Oh, yeah. Three-hour debates, Newt? You do realize all your "talking points" are being recorded?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 12:50 am

Oh, three hours with Obama will be absolutely the shitz.

The Newtster will run through his memorized list of canned idiocies and dogwhistles in 30 minutes … then spend 2-1/2 hours being ground into hamburger. Where do I order my tickets?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I'm starting to feel sorry for him. HOLD ME!!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Newt, that Reality is really going to hurt when it sandbags you. And it will.

Callyson January 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

God, I thought he would never shut up…

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Ron Paul went on longer than that. But he always does. Every college has a professor like him. 10% if the students take every class he teaches and the rest just think he's nuts.

HuddledMass January 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

40 years in academia here and this is so true

HuddledMass January 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

40 years in academia here, and this is so true

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:22 am

All of them, Katie.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Joe Paterno: "I'm not dead yet!" DRINK!

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

It's over already? But what about the child janitors??

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 9:52 pm

They're stacked under the stage with their piece of bread.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 9:50 pm

It's over. Good. The Vomit Bucket is full.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Country music! That's four, four racist dogwhistles; ah, ah, ah!

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Did you count his sly reference to San Francisco?

Biff January 21, 2012 at 10:05 pm

That was anti-gay, not racist.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

That was the one, one homophobic dogwhistle; I noted it as that. And there could easily be some I missed (certainly some of the "real American" talk came close).

AddHomonym January 21, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Newt will free us from the tyranny of the Corps of Engineers. Finally someone said it! Yes!

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

W already freed New Orleans from them.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Heh; a correspondent just said (of Iowa) "Romney ended up behind Santorum in the end".

CountryClubJihadi January 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I think he meant to go to http://www.Newt.Orgy

Slim_Pickins January 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Abe Lincoln said something like, " you can fool some of the people some of the time and all of South Carolina all of the time, but… (something, something)." But these are Republicans so what do they care about Lincoln?

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Any word on reaction at the White House?

Oh, right…

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Yes!! Thank you.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Just FYI, you know I'm stealing that, right? Right. Thanks.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Lawrence O'Donnell said earlier that exit polls show beyond a doubt that Americans now care less about marital infidelity and divorce than even the French. Seriously, I thought they at least paid lip service to propriety in SC, but I guess that's over.

"As God is mah witness, I'll nevah go without sex again."

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 11:21 pm

The highest divorce rates in the nation are in the southern states. Taxachusetts has the lowest rate. No snark, I'm convinced the reason that teh Southerners are so upset about divorce and homosexuality and such and such is because they are so rampant in their own neighborhoods, and they think it's the same way everywhere!

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:16 pm

How interesting. That would mean all those men raving about what whores liberal wimminz in them Northern/East/WestCoastian states are would be …

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Americans now care less about marital infidelity and divorce than getting the blah guy out of the Presidency.

ftfy

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:02 am

Exactly. Surely Lawrence O'Donnell is not so stupid as to miss this important detail?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 10:00 pm

So, the people of South Carolina prefer a converted Papist to a Mormon. Interesting.

Guppy January 21, 2012 at 10:09 pm

If it was just the papist vote, they could have gone for Santorum.

No, Newt is the option that truly best represents the Republicans of South Carolina: a hypocrite.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

Plus, he's the best at bullying.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:16 pm

They know that Catholic thing is just bullshit. And they prefer that to one who actually believes.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Why do the words "food stamps" make so many radicals salivate? Is the world a better place with kids going to bed hungry? Jesus had to cough up loaves and fishies to make fish sammiches for the poor. Was he the "food stamp savior?"

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Here in rural OK, there are a lot of white people on food stamps –every one of them I've seen at the local grocery store than I have back people. Just ignore the fact my county doesn't have many blacks, but still . . . white people benefit and most of those white people hate blacks and will vote for Newt. I just hope they don't vote.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:09 pm

In their highly propagandized minds, "Food Stamps" = "Niggers"

Never mind the facts. They Know what they Know and what they Know is Right.

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Poor whites wouldn't take advantage of the program if it didn't exist. And obviously poor whites have too much integrity to be, y'know, the main reason such a program came into existence. And also because shut up, that's why.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Yah. Rednecks.

That's the way it is. Still.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:16 am

That last one, fer shure.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 10:13 pm

That's the new "welfare Cadillac" dogwhistle.

NYNYNYjr January 21, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Jesus was a rich scrooge-like philanthropist, which conservatives approve of. Feed everybody in a big feast one day, then disappear. If he had given people food in a predictable, dependable manner, that would have been bad.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Jesus also cheated on his old lady. What's up with that shit about disappearing for three days and claiming to be dead?

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Plus he had two dads.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 10:34 pm

And, one of the dads was a unionized carpenter, the bastard.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 12:56 am

He was hiking in the mountains, wasn't he?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:04 pm

"What, you disappear for three days, you don't call, I don't hear from you? You freakin' *better* be dead, you SOB!"

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:17 am

His Mom would *never* have said that!

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm

You haven't met Republican Jeebus, have you?

Perhaps Jesus fed the multitude with loaves and fishes, but Republican Jeebus had already gone over to the 1%, and favoured sending shock troops with pepper spray to disperse those lousy fish-eaters.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Additionally: I can't imagine what kind of person gets their jollies at thinking about any child going to bed hungry. Historically, the test of humanity has been that we spare our children suffering as best we can — King Solomon and the baby, for example. These people are competing, and salivatingly, over who can be the first to deny hungry children the food they need to survive.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

You have to figure that Romney is going to go wall to wall negative on Newt, and Newt is going to whine and go wall to wall negative on Romney.

The next few weeks should be fun.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Even if Ricky drops out of the race, there will still be tanker cars' full of santorum sloshing around in FLA.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Heh http://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2012/01/why-r

(It's a rewrite of a bit by Hunter S. Thompson on Ed Muskie; and funny).

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

AAHHAH. A take off on F&L on the Campaign Trail '72! One of my all – time favorite politics books.

"The Grand Boohoo of the Neo-American Church", Indeed!

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I reread that one every four years. (Bet you can guess which years those are).

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Oh yeah, me too. Really helped to put things into perspective. HST was at the top of his game as a political and social analyst at that time, IMHO.

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 10:13 pm

OMG. The Boo-Hoo/Muskie story was the best ever.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Somewhat paraphrased, but: "A man who had long ago abandoned the possibility of ever behaving normally"

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:19 am

You know, I was a teenager when I read that, and had never been exposed to drugs. That may have been the problem. I mean, I LOVED the book, but there was so much of it I just didn't understand.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Ooohh. late night Tamron Hall. Holy Shit!

FakaktaSouth January 21, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I like to think that the whole time Newt was talking, some roadie was walking the crowd handing out backstage passes. Didja see the couple he pointed out in the beginning? He was all, Hey Callista, look! It's our fuck buddies! I swear her hair got harder. I've decided to focus on nothing but their sex life. I want the full Ken Starr on this thing. (no. no I don't)

biblioteq_tress January 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Yes, yes, you do. We all do.

I want to go at him like Starr but longer… harder… and slower… until Newt is screaming at me to finish! Yes, I want to do to Newt just like he did to us. Yes, yes!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:21 pm

We Will All Require Regular Reports from you.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:21 am

My other partner was just over for a cup of tea and felt obliged to ask me if I knew what the fuck kind of product that woman uses on her head, that every single hair on it lies in the exact same direction. I opined as how to she might have maybe grabbed the lube instead of the hair gel, but I like your idea of the hair as a living entity with the capacity for sexual arousal.

Indeed, it's probably the ony thing on that poor wretched woman that has.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 21, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Pig Newton. That's his name to me from now on.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Ahh, just as I was settling into "Swingrich".

Biff January 21, 2012 at 10:08 pm

The Golden Age of the MSM.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Ot but I must be horny because Michael Steele is looking really good tonight, he looks like one of those men that would smell really sexy.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I've been watching the GOP men all night. It will take days before my legs uncross.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Oh lordy, Lizzie. It's just that you've been watching Newtie. Give your head a good shake. Michael Steele is an imbecillic toadie. Call up Mr. Lizzie for some good phone sex if he's not lying next to you.

Dudleydidwrong January 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

Michael Steele "smell(s) really sexy"? Probably what you're smelling is the burning sawdust in between his ears. The man's a dolt and the Repube crowd is welcome to him.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

I have a secret shame, I actually find him entertaining and I really love him when he is on with Rachel Maddow.

Dudleydidwrong January 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

As a native son and resident of Maryland I consider him one of a line of Maryland politicians (Spiro Agnew, Robert Erlich, and probably Marvin Mandel head a long list) who try to help the state compete with Illinois for the honor of "Most corrupt top-level politicians" so I have no use tor the man. But you are more than welcome to your "secret shame" and I won't tell anyone. Mine is that I had a crush on Hillary Clinton, heavy legs and all. But I'll never admit that, either.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Everybody loves a clown show. As long as the clown is harmless.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Sounds like you want to do the Humpty Hump!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj9_yW8tZxs

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Oh Good Grief that looks like Michael Steels! OT but you might enjoy this, I took his photo yesterday as he was coming out of the vet's office near my apartment, snowing like crazy and this man was sort of tough looking and he was so proud of his dog! Reason #398 as to why I love Harlem.http://www.flickr.com/photos/13152388@N00/6738348497/in/photostream

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Try again Baby, the URL isn't working.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 3:21 pm
MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I'd forgotten that.

imissopus January 21, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Mitt learned a very important lesson today: if you're going to shoot a rhinoceros, make damn sure he's dead.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:23 am

In fact, ideally, take the bastard out of action before he even sees you coming.

Ain't nothin' more dangerous than a wounded rhino.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:18 am

Waitaminute — I thought Mitt was the RINO!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:32 am

Ha-HA!

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Will Jeb or the NJ Fat Fuck save the party by agreeing to be the nomination?

Thanks for the memories. I've got to say nitey. Sleep well, all, and don't dream about another Repubtard being in charge.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Goodnight, DBB!

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:30 pm

My guess is they will airlift Christie in for VP.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:46 pm

He can't be Newt's VP. One potential heart attack on the ticket is enough.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I know, but that would make sense.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm

"If Newt were to win the election there'd be a Mrs. Gingrich Mark IV rolled out before Inauguration day"

DAMN, late for teh partee again! But I like Chick's idea from page 1. So who else would like to be Newtie's wife-person?

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I wouldn't fuck Newt with Marcus Bachmann's pussy.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Not even mAnn Coulter's dick?

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I used to be besties with someone who was besties with Coulter. He would send the most hideous, racist Obama e-mails to us both and I would wait for mAnn to hit "reply all" and she never did it.

I got so tired of the bullshit e-mail that I changed my beloved Barb@gmail address (don't try it, I nuked it) and I yanked out my land line phone and stopped speaking to him.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Coulter has male besties?

And here I thought she was only besties with closeted lesbians at the Clair Booth Luce Policy Institute.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Hmm … Coulter? Don't you mean "beasties," dear?

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Neither would one L Michele.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I nominate Lorena Bobbitt.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I vote for that!

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Bristol Palin?

Pres.Beeblebrox January 21, 2012 at 10:20 pm

"rights" means something different down in SC.

We are a band of brothers
And native to our soil
Fighting for our property
We gained with honest toil
But when those rights were threatened
The call rose near and far
Hurrah for the Bonnie Blue Flag
That bears a single star

Hurrah! Hurrah! For Southern rights, Hurrah!
Hurrah for the Bonnie Blue Flag
That bears a single star

(many more verses about states seceding &c.)

So you can see why the dog whistles were like vuvuzelas tonight.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:10 pm

"Fighting for our property
We gained with honest toil"

The honest toil of the people we OWNED, but whatever, right?

Steverino247 January 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm

OK. Need the antidote… Got it!

Verse 1
Bring the good old bugle, boys, we'll sing another song
Sing it with a spirit that will start the world along
Sing it as we used to sing it, 50,000 strong[5]
While we were marching through Georgia.

Chorus
Hurrah! Hurrah! we bring the jubilee![6]
Hurrah! Hurrah! the flag that makes you free!
So we sang the chorus from Atlanta to the sea
While we were marching through Georgia.

Verse 2
How the darkeys shouted when they heard the joyful sound
How the turkeys gobbled which our commissary found
How the sweet potatoes even started from the ground
While we were marching through Georgia.

Verse 3
Yes and there were Union men who wept with joyful tears,
When they saw the honored flag they had not seen for years;
Hardly could they be restrained from breaking forth in cheers,
While we were marching through Georgia.

Verse 4
"Sherman's dashing Yankee boys will never reach the coast!"
So the saucy rebels said and 'twas a handsome boast
Had they not forgot, alas! to reckon with the Host
While we were marching through Georgia.

Verse 5
So we made a thoroughfare for freedom and her train,
Sixty miles in latitude, three hundred to the main;
Treason fled before us, for resistance was in vain
While we were marching through Georgia.

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Thank you. I am saving that one.
Can't forget The Battle Hymn of the Republic either:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

LowProfileinGA January 22, 2012 at 10:36 am

WT Sherman grew to hate that song. Every time he appeared in public it was played.

DahBoner January 21, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I want Newt to win, because if Air Force One ever needed to do an emergency landing over water, Newt's head could be used as a flotation device…

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

The sharks wouldn't eat him out of professional courtesy.

Biff January 21, 2012 at 10:53 pm

And his blonde bimbo wife could be the inspiration for a whole new generation of blonde jokes.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm

If Newt won, they could paint the White House orange, and it would still be the White House.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I'm musing on the Secret Service designations for First Family Gingrich;

I'm going with "Snowman" and "Falcon"

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Stay-Puft and Slimer?

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I'm partial to "Feta" and "Velociraptor", myself.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Farmer Hoggett and Babe?

Barb January 21, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Oh shit, I tossed it over to Jeffer and he came up with Sno-Ball and Ho-Ho.
Someone is getting some lovin' tonight for that one.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I think I see why y'all married each other. Sno-Ball and Ho-Ho, give that li'l wiseass some extra lovin' and tell him it's a big thanks from your fellow Wonks who fap to the thought.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Callista's pet name for Newt? Probably "Twinkie".

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 11:27 pm

"Joke" and "the Fatman".

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:54 pm

WIN!

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

It was all about samurai Goroh. Although a falcon punch is pretty hard to resist.

/lame f-zero jokes.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

There were very few big laughs in Closing Time, Joseph Heller's awful sequel to Catch-22: one was the Secret Service codename for President Dan Quayle*: "The Little Prick."

*A good gag, but it's part of why Closing Time was such a disappointment: where Catch-22 was a timeless satire, the sequel feels like it's rooted in political snark with a fairly limited shelf-life.

Oh, yes, and Newt & Callista could just be "The Fat Fuck and the Other One." It worked for Siskel & Ebert back in the day…

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 2:08 pm

That really was an awful sequel. Thankfully, Catch22 is one for the ages.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I read his daughter's memoirs. Apparently when Heller was asked (paraphrasing) "Why haven't you written another book as incredibile as "Catch-22"", he answered "Who has."

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:02 pm

I told you it was "Squat" and "Gobble," respectively.

under_score January 21, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Remember when Newt attacked the media and was mocked?
http://vimeo.com/24027690

Who'da thunk it would come true?

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

As a palette cleanser after all that hate-filled nonsense, I'm watching the Penn & Teller Bullshit episode on the Bible, which is on luckily on youtube, and is great and should be seen by all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk0K1zgCDtE

ElPinche January 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Elvis didn't do no drugs !!

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Great idea! I'm getting over Penn's campaign support for Ron Paul because, dammit, he's soo entertaining.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Oh, he's annoying when he gets on with libertarian crap, but his attacks on anti-science bullshit like the Bible, creationism, 'alternative' medicine or astrology are great. He also was a global warming denialist who actually realized and admitted he was wrong, and apologized, which I give him kudos for.

And he actually is what many of the Paultards think their prophet is, since he actually does believe in freedom for the womens and the gays, unlike Ron.

Designer_Rants January 22, 2012 at 12:12 am

One of my more favorite "Fresh Air" w/ Terri Gross episodes was when he was doing his book tour a few months back. He told a story about his mother, a devout Christian, who was like ninety-years-old when her church dumped a pastor for being gay (or something….), so she dumped her church. Good show.

savethispatient January 21, 2012 at 10:54 pm

According to Michael Steele, Brian Wilson is asking questions at the NBC debate on Monday. Awesome!

BarackMyWorld January 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm

That makes me…wait for it…Smile.

finallyhappy January 21, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Will he sing too -because I am a 60's girl and I love me some Beach Boys!

doloras January 22, 2012 at 3:20 am

I'm picking up good vibrations, but that might just be Lizzie's Hitachi Magic Wand.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I wish.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Oh, darling, did you leave it at home? Just ask Mr. Limeylizzie to Fedex it, or bring it when he arrives. Is he there yet?

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 11:37 pm

He'll be here on Friday on the red-eye, I'll have my red-eye ready to greet him.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 5:25 am

I'll take Brian Wlison, but I'd actually pay admission to see Gary Busey question the Republicans. Hell, I'd pay to see Gary Busey question anyone in a serious setting.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

He might actually be speaking their language with their tortured logic.

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Meh. I'll consider tuning in when the moderator is Lewis Black.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 7:57 pm

That would be the ULTIMATE debate. You want a 3 hr debate, Newtie? Have I got a forum for you!

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:24 pm

But Black being an unbiased moderator would be called into question when he starts yelling at the candidates & kicking over their podiums.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Lewis Black would finally have that stroke he's been saving up for if he reduced himself to moderator a debate with the GOP.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 12:46 am

Who is this Lewis Blah to whom you refer?

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 7:55 pm
MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Why not Matt Taibbi, goddammit? He'd roast those shitsticks.

proudgrampa January 21, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Wow. Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop drinking.

Redhead January 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm

What the what? The fuck? How the…? But… But, really? I thought sadomasochism was against family values. Or are people REALLY that dumb that they didn't learn the first time around?

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Steverino247 January 22, 2012 at 1:11 am

And the stupid persons of SC expect Newt to be able to whip Obama in a debate and magically win the Presidency. They aren't smart enough to debate Obama, but they believe Newt can put him in his place–at some other drinking fountain.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Which is really what this is all about. The Angry White Man® needs to take revenge against anyone he deems responsible for his feelings of inadequacy. But I can't figure how SC is so full of these AWMs, yet they put a brown woman in the governor's office. Hawtness trumps all or what?

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Hawtness trumps all or what?

uh … yeah.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:29 pm

She's a woman, too, also – not nearly as threatening as an angry black man.

mrblifil January 21, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Har har everybody hates Mitt, even his dog.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 11:08 pm

A Facebook friend just described Newt as "someone willing to moderate." So I sez:

He's willing to moderate tomorrow, and then he sees a shiny object. The next day he gets all mad about the gays while he's bangin' his staffer. Then he plans a Moon Mining Mission, for some reason. Then he's willing to moderate again. Then it's nap-time for Newty (he gets cranky)…

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Oh, he would "moderate" in order to win the election, all right. But his running mate would be David Duke, just so the Stars and Bars crowd wouldn't misunderstand.

Designer_Rants January 21, 2012 at 11:40 pm

They'd all still know that "San Fracisco Elite" still means "Scary Homos", and "Food Stamp President" still means "Colored Usurper".

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 12:29 am

Willing to moderate? Ask Bill Clinton.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:00 am

Yeah, that was a FINE job of moderatifyin' he did back then, wasn't it?

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I Hereby Predict that Gingrich will win Florida by a slim margin. He will have blown a massive 20 point lead while visiting the Kennedy Space Center and giving a bizarre speech that contained ideas about sending Federal prisoners to Moon Mining Concentration Camps, positioning manned satellites with Nucular Weapons in geosynchronous orbit over Iran and a long range exploratory mission to Uranus.

Second place will be an entirely write – in candidate: Augusto Pinochet.

Romney will come in a distant third.

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm

RIght idea, but wrong write-in. This is Floriduh we're talking about – the write-in votes would be for Fulgencio Batista. NEVAH FORGET!!!

C_R_Eature January 21, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Ah, the Cuban Expat Vote. All Important! Muy Bueno!

johnnyzhivago January 22, 2012 at 12:27 am

Uranus is Santorum Country

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 12:35 am

Yes. That is why we must Invade Now.

NYNYNYjr January 22, 2012 at 12:34 am

Serious question: why can't kids do the moon mining? Make it requisite for poor children to graduate, you have to dig x-amount of moon uranium. Then they get a partial scholarship to Butler College.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 12:48 am

That's a great angle! For several reasons:

* Kids are smaller, utilize less precious O2 and water resources and have less mass to lift out of the Earth's gravity well. Cheaper all around!

*They're less likely to have been exposed to inconvienent ideas like overtime pay, 40-hour work weeks and Workman's Comp.

*They can establish their own working society, like Boy's and Girls Town and that cool movie Lord of the Flies. No Adults Necessary!

*The ones that survive will be the tough ones and will strengthen the Race. The ones that don't…well…just reducing the "Surplus Population". Some English guy wrote a story with that in it, one time.

* ????

*Profit!

Douché January 21, 2012 at 11:21 pm

It would be pretty funny if Roms, just said "fuck you bitches" and left the repugs high and dry tomorrow. Just 'sayin.

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 11:59 pm

"Screw you guys; I'm going home" — Eric Cartman

mrblifil January 22, 2012 at 4:36 pm

That's just about a foregone conclusion at this point. It's merely a matter of when, I'd say.

TheEliteMasses January 22, 2012 at 12:13 am

I guess if you win, you're part of the Elite now ? https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-a

subsum January 22, 2012 at 12:22 am

Who cares about inbred South Caro-motherfucking-lina? They're a bunch of racist cunts anyway.

Harry_S_Truman January 22, 2012 at 7:11 am

Kansas, nothing. What's the matter with South Carolina? Looks like Thomas Frank has another book to write.

Callyson January 22, 2012 at 1:38 pm

That poor bastard is already busy with "What's the Matter with Arizona," "What's the Matter with Florida," and "What's the Matter with Texas (part 1)"

LibrulEleet January 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Racist cunts have rights too, y'know. One racist cunt, one vote.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Ask not what racist cunts can do for you; ask what you can do for your cuntry.

fartknocker January 22, 2012 at 12:26 am

My wife and I sat up and listened to the Newt exit speech. After his 8.5 minute speech we concluded:
1) We liked drinking cold alcoholic beverages so our measurements and analysis could be scewed by the lack of spell check and laughter,
2) He used the word "job" 6 times in only 2 sentences and that lasted only 14 seconds,
3) He used the phrase "American excepionalism" more than he used the word "employment",
4) Ronald Ray Gun is still dead and his economic policies sucked,
5) Neither of us heard how Newt's love for Mitt will reverse any damage that the past 25 years of administrations governed by Democrats and Republicans will bring forward the former Glass-Stegall Act and reign in bankers, (preface: Phil Gramm is the piece of shit who sponsored that legislation – another fucking economist-politician),
6) The use of the phrase "on our side" means he couldn't give a rat's ass about the 99%.
So we're voting for Obama. Any questions? We sent this from a Motorola Zoom so we hope American Exceptionalism technology was used in this message.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 12:31 am

Well, it certainly WAS used in your analysis. The good kind of exceptionalism. Not the Lou Sarah kind.

Callyson January 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Oh, so he did make a passing reference to jobs? I was so busy laughing about his gratuitous comments on Saul Alinksy to notice…

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 5:59 pm

His party was focused like a laser on job creation, before the midterms. But a laser beam can be all but impossible to see unless it's aimed right at you, so I have to give the GOP exactly the level of respect they deserve 'cause they're all such gosh-darn paragons of CONSISTENCY and INTEGRITY.

Plus they have a lot less melanin than the Usurper-in-Chief. Too, also.

johnnyzhivago January 22, 2012 at 12:26 am

Title for the Newt Campaign Documentary:

Extremely Annoying and Incredibly Stupid

carlgt1 January 22, 2012 at 12:31 am

are Repugs still running with that "we'll restore honor & integrity to the White House" meme? It was funny enough with Bush & Cheney, but with Newt & Romney it's off the scale….

BarackMyWorld January 22, 2012 at 12:37 am

I don't like Romney. I think Santorum's beliefs are ridiculous. Ron Paul's ideas are ridiculous. Newt Gingrich is the only one I genuinely despise. He is a genuine American demagogue, so vile and dishonest and racist he makes me question how much progress we have actually made.

DahBoner January 22, 2012 at 10:16 am

Just wait until Newtie makes Herman Cain his VP….

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

For the wimmins' vote? Bow-chinka-bow-bow.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:04 am

More like Wow, chickie, bow-wow! if you ask me.

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 5:49 pm

That's about where I'm at. Romney's the most heartless; Santorum is the creepiest and craziest; and Ron Paul is the biggest phony.

But Gingrich is so thoroughly and ostentatiously loathsome, so utterly lacking in any sort of redeeming qualities, that it's hard not be be in awe of his odiousness. On a personal note, one personality type I find especially insufferable is the blowhard, and Gingrich is one of the biggest blowhards around.

The good news is, most voters still despise an obvious hypocrite, and he's going to have a difficult if not impossible time addressing that. I think the prez would dismantle him fairly easily, more so than Romney. But damn, I do not want that loud-mouthed walking septic tank of a man in the news every day until November, so to that extent I suppose I'd rather see Rmoney get just enough of his shit together until the nomination is settled.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Cool.
I think I could manage to always refer to him as 'Loathsome Newt'

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I think the same way. I think Obama would have a much easier time of it if Newtie was the contender, but the thought of this vile racist (real or put on) dog shit anywhere near the white house makes me hopeless with rage and sadness. Still, I'm rooting for him to slice up the smug millionaire white guy who looks "presidential" according to all wingnuts I know.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:27 pm

"I do not want that loud-mouthed walking septic tank of a man in the news every day until November"

Yeah, I'm really not looking forward to that sweaty, petulant puss bloating into view like the monsters in an amusement park haunted house every time I turn on the TV for the next eight months.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 1:00 am

Another One-Star State? It figures.

Soylent Green January 22, 2012 at 1:46 am

This is just like a foot race. But, Newt, just because you're in the lead doesn't make you faster. It means the guy in front of you fell down.

ThundercatHo January 22, 2012 at 1:48 am

Somebody said earlier (and I'm sorry but I looked and couldn't find it and it is late/early) that Neuter was going to need a younger and prettier first lady. I hereby nominate Kim Kardashian since she meets the first 2 qualifications plus she is a total attention whore and just lerves the diamonds. Callista should probably not drive anywhere alone or take a bath and keep a very close eye on what she eats and drinks. Maybe even get a guard dog. Take the money and run Beaky.

LowProfileinGA January 22, 2012 at 10:46 am

You can bet Newt does not have a key to her safe deposit box.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Kim Kardashian does not fit the profile of Republican trophy spouse in any way, shape or form. Plus she's been with blahs of her own free will, without even being assaulted! Only blonde beltway staffers or lobbyists who can smuggle a whore's skill-set in their piety need apply.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Isn't it about time for that Cindy-lookalike Grampa Crash Helmet was keeping company with (I hesitate to say screwing, since I doubt he can) to come out of hiding and receive her reward for her silence?

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 6:43 pm

She sued the NYT after the story came out, settled out of court and extracted an apology from them, and appeared on CBS to deny everything in early 2009:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8W1Le1L1Cg

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 11:33 pm

How much could she have made from the Times?She wasn't a wealthy woman before the story (which was no doubt true and AS IF her reputation was at all damaged).I know some people in PA who knew her in school there and they said said they never dreamed she would have chosen lobbying. Maybe she hooked up with Kenny Boy Lay in Ecuador.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 7:26 pm

But Ginnie Thomas!

Soylent Green January 22, 2012 at 1:50 am

Since Perry dropped out the other day, I thought it was going to be a dull 10 months.
Pop a cork, we're back in CrazyTown!

Schmegeg January 22, 2012 at 2:23 am

To sum up, South Carolina Republicans like a guy to be #1 who managed to disgrace himself as #3 in the government. He is the biggest asshole of the last 50 years, including Nixon, which takes some effort. His father took off before he was born, a total asshole, so it must be genetic.. The mother was bipolar, and that is clearly genetic He fucked and married a high school teacher, for Christ sake. That is just weird. And the marriages, the depressions. All leadership REPUBLICANS hate his guts. And if he somehow wins in November, the country is clearly totally screwed.

As much as I would like to see Gingrich humiliated in the general, having him so close to the prize is just too unsettling. Mittens is pathetic and the others are losers. So it will have to be a white (obviously) knight, either the anonymous guy from Indiana, Jebster, or the Minnesota guy who quit when he couldn't get the Iowa people to like him last fall. Or god help us, Miss Alaska.

So that is what bipolar feels like.

DrunkIrishman January 22, 2012 at 2:29 am

Michelle's getting laid tonight!

DrunkIrishman January 22, 2012 at 2:29 am

And boom goes the dynamite.

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 2:29 am

This is a huge victory for Evangelicals and the Sanctity of Marriage.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 1:54 pm

In Newt's case, I think we're talking about the Skanktity of Marriage.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Newt's offspring will be great spokespeople for Family Values — as soon as they figure out which one of those women is their mother.

PS: DW, love your computer thingie. And you should consider selling those desks. The arty deconstruction crowd will love 'em.

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Thank you. I bought a new motherboard and was gonna build a frankenstein computer using all of the other computers I have. Since most of the computers were like Compaqs and HPs, they had proprietary case designs so the normal sized Motherboard wouldn't fit in them. I just put it together on top of a case to see if I could get it working. I did get it working and then got lazy about putting it back into the case, because, hey, my new computer is working!
I'm using that computer right now. The side panel won't fit back on because I had to use a crowbar to bend the case up so the Motherboard would fit in it and I have wooden dowels and zip ties holding some parts up and together and I still have to use a screw driver to turn it on. I did make a power button, but ChubChub broke it when he chewed it up. I'm thinking about using a wall light switch as the power button.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 11:28 pm

You're amazing!BTW, is ChubChub a dog or a bird?

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 11:50 pm

ChubChub is a pet cat

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:21 am

a wall light switch is nice, but if you could repurpose a bronze valve of some sort, you could call it Steampunk and get a picture of it on BoingBoing…

DerrickWildcat January 23, 2012 at 2:43 am

Yeah, I get a kick out of the case mods. That is way over my ability and patience. I'm more like the Building Super. Just hack it all together in an ugly way and say, "see it works."

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 3:51 am

South Carolina GNOP primary 2012 is going to learn how Missouri felt after the 2008 general election.

Barb January 22, 2012 at 4:12 am

Goodnight worthy Wonkette scum. Good to see you, Soros, you tall drink of bitch. Lizzie, I'm going to shower and knock one out of the park for you, lovie. Negropolis, you are the wings beneath my wings. Chet, call me! (you know the number, or just hit redial) HistoriCat, I'm wearing my jammies that I got at Kohl's, why do you ask what I am wearing?

Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there's no one around

football competitions are happening tomorrow. Don't call us, we'll call you. (unless Chet is calling)

Monsieur_Grumpe January 22, 2012 at 8:37 am
flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 1:58 pm

OH, and a few days ago, I was your new favorite! Pfft! Womyns!

P. S. I luvs ya, Barb. I just wish you were also, too, another 5' 10" inch, redheaded Barb I lost to cancer a year and a half ago. Maybe you are.

Barb January 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm

That makes me sad.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Sorry, didn't mean to make you sad – I'm an idiot like that sometimes (sometimes?). It wasn't so much sad as frustrating. My Barb was my first girlfriend – in preschool, and neither of us even remembered it! After preschool we went to different schools and didn't hook up again until high school, when our mothers saw each other at PTA, recognized each other, and come home and told us about our young love (held hands, went on the swings together). But she was taller than me in high school, and I was a self-conscious teenager, so I never tried to put the moves on her. I lost track of her after high school, but then found her on Facebook something like 39 years later. She had breast cancer when I hooked up with her again, but she was hanging in there with treatment and in late August of 2010 said she was in remission. But then two weeks later her daughter came onto her FB wall and announced that Barb had died of leukemia she developed from her breast cancer treatments. It hit me really hard at the time, but I'm over it.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Still gonna hug ya anyway, y'ol coot.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

That is equal parts incredibly sad and incredibly awesome.

Harry_S_Truman January 22, 2012 at 7:03 am

You can bet that David Gregory, Bob Schieffer, Boy Georgie Steffie, and even Candy Crowley all woke up with a big chubby this morning. No, Chris Wallace didn't (for lack of genitalia).

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:46 pm

And despite their enthusiasm, their analysis will still be half-assed.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 8:06 am

Prediction #1:
Gingrich begins speaking Spanish in South Florida, for the benefit of all the RW Expatriate Cuban audiences.

Prediction #2:
Secret Paultard on staff surreptitiously works Chinga! and Puta into speeches as terms of endearment. Gingrich has no idea. YouTube Moments Ensue.

DahBoner January 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

That would be Newt's slogan in Espanish:

Chingame mucho, Puta!

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 10:31 am

Newt orders dinner in Spanish restaurant, gets big plate of Fucking Whore.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

This is why I love to order spaghetti puttanesca

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

Thanks! (adds spaghetti puttanesca to list of "Things I Can't Order Without Collapsing In Hysterical Laughter.")

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:13 am

That's why it's *called* puttanesca — a working girl can whip up a batch before she has to go lie down again.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I want to hear him try and work "nalgas" into his stump speech.

Gainsbourg69 January 22, 2012 at 10:40 am

The Cubans down here will not go for all that food stamps are bad stuff, since the first thing they do after they get off their rafts is get on food stamps and section 8. The clever ones start up AIDS clinics and go straight into the Medicare fraud business, so gutting that program is off the table as well.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:31 pm

"Who is this Mary Cohn, and why does my speech keep mentioning her?"

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Tessiee…It's been a long very busy day, I'm exhausted, my sides hurt from laughing and I was just shutting down for a Long Winter's nap but…

I Do Hereby Award You the Most High Threadwinning Solid Gold 5-Pointed Star of Hilarity. Just for that comment.
Before I pass completely out – I needed to do that.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:12 am

Or "gusano." Those Cubanos just LERVE the term "gusano."

Monsieur_Grumpe January 22, 2012 at 8:18 am

I was at a party last night. Did I miss anything?
What?
Newt?
Bwahahahahaahahahaha!
Really?
Newt?
*Snort*

finallyhappy January 22, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I was at the theater and right before the show started, a woman behind me read out the voting as of 8 Pm- given the play and the audience – pretty sure, no GOPers were there

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 8:20 am

The South Carolina Ballot :
A. Yankee
B. Yankee
C. Fag Yankee
D. Might as well be a Yankee (Texas)
E. Southern Boy, but a Darky
F. Good Ol' Southern Boy

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 8:28 am

Gingrich for President 2012

The Charge of the White Brigade

Bluestatelibel January 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

And now Mitt Romney gets to experience what every worker he's laid off has experienced…they're just not into you, Mitt.
Love,
Karma

Designer_Rants January 22, 2012 at 8:59 am

I can't wait to read David Brooks' OpEd today. He's gonna have a conniption.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Might do him some good and couldn't do him any harm.

Designer_Rants January 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I've literally checked NYT for a post at least 5 times today. Sometimes he posts on Sundays, right? Instead I accidentally read a post of his titled "Where are the liberals?" He's a troll. http://nyti.ms/zIShjp

What, you mean you didn't run into any liberal couples at the American Petroleum Institute's annual ball? And there's no liberal comments on your "I'd Leave My Wife For Mitt" Tumblr?

rocktonsam January 22, 2012 at 9:13 am

So Newton is on top today.

"Big deal." : all of his wives…

Local_Mojo January 22, 2012 at 9:48 am

Willard bused in Mormons from his secret base. Did Newt bus in cheating, serial adulterers — his obvious base?

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 10:21 am

AshleyMadison.com Users of the World, Unite & Take Over.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

You mean cheating, right-wing Christian serial adulterers.
Looks like S.C. has plenty of them already.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

David, you know better than that…

Pig Newton, lying about his record to Dancin' Dave Gregory on Meat the Press.

Newt is an outsider!

P.S. "I can take every hit and keep coming" – Newt Gingrich
~

DahBoner January 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

May the Fattest head win!

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

Mark your calendars Wonketteers, Mittens has announced on Faux Newz that this coming Tuesday he's going to release his 1965 2010 tax return. Mittens, you sad sack, you're a day late and $32 million in Cayman Islands accounts too late. You better get to packin' Jeb Bush's parachute so it Roman candles or you'll be watchin' him up on the Rethug convention podium makin' with the "thank yous" and "I nevers" and the "gosh and gee willikers."

johnnyzhivago January 22, 2012 at 10:30 am

Wonder how many accounting jobs were created to massage those returns. Can't you actually re-file for years past – I mean with enough $$$ can you just refile the past 10 years and push your problem back into the past and pay a bill or forward and hide until after he's elected?

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 10:47 am

I think that's for earned income JZ, any bookies or accountants out there please correct me. Since Mittens has none jerb ( / sobs over the tragedy ) he has no earned income, only the tawdry capitalist gains to display being taxed at 15%.

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 11:01 am

Yup, that's why his tax rate is a measly 15%, all cap gains, not earned income. He doesn't get a W-2 like us douchebags who have jobs with wages, tips, and salaries (yeah, I said tips, mmm) which are taxed at the progressive rates hovering around 25 to 35%, depending on the amount of your last dollar earned.

This is why CEO's will often take $1 for their "salary" – makes them look all humble that they take no money from the company, but it's really because their compensation package (yeah, I said package, mmm) consists of stock options that they can sell and pay tax on only the gains, at the lovely 15% rate.

Job creation and such.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I promised myself I wasn't going to masturbate today. Sigh.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:18 am

Looks like you've got SorosBot on the brain, darlz. It's OK, he seems to be doing the same thing.

montreal_bruin January 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Let's not forget that the 15% rate is applied to his unsheltered unearned income which, judging from the Cayman account, is likely to be ridiculously less than what he's actually gained.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I wonder if he'd have any income at all if he lived in Europe, poor dear.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:16 am

Good. I won't be paralyzed by a combination of pain pills and brutal exercise that day, so I'll be sure to drop by.

Preacher_Griz January 22, 2012 at 10:40 am

Prof Speaker Newt Gingrich obviously has EXTRAORDINARY POWERS OF ATTRACTION over the women folk and will exploit this to Deliver 1600 Pennsylvania Ave to Conservative Christians in 2012!!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

Newt Gingrich/Charlie Manson 2012!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:21 am

Oh, Biely, like you'd really let Charlie take the gig!

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

Extraordinary powers of attraction of the women folk – well, yeah … I mean, look at him.

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Do I have to?

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

You mean you aren't overcome with lust when you see that floppy, flabby, jowly toad?

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Was just about to fix some breakfast, and now I don't have to. Thanks!

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 11:22 am

Oh man – can't wait for Barry to start cleaning Newt's clock during a three-hour debate! Fox News will have to cut away with "technical difficulties" or the Breaking! news of the latest celebrity divorce.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

I'm going out to stock up on Popcorn, now, before it's all gone.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Better do a run on all the snacky-snacks before y'all damn Wonketeerz clean the stores out.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I love this clown show as much as anyone else, but it's getting to a point where flirting with disaster is just that, and it's kinda more scary than exhilarating, like doing lines of coke off the ass of a vice officer's wife…

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

lol

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:23 am

Biff, hon, you're SO last year. The latest thing is sticking magic musrooms up your butt before the rim job. You BOTH get high!

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

HERE LIES JOPA
Infallible Pope Of PA Pigskin
Who passed the buck while kids got fucked

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

You don't want to look at the picture of all the little memorials and candles being left around his statue on campus.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:23 am

I'm sure we don't. However, I'm seeing all kinds of "Not dead yet" teasers all over the place. So, what's the deal, is the old skank dead, or what?

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

No shit. Let the cultus confirmation begin.

donner_froh January 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

If the Repubs continue like this the only thing the President and his campaign people will have to worry about is overconfidence.

proudgrampa January 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Snark off:

I am afraid that this is just the beginning of a wave of fascism that is going to hit our country. President Obama is going to have one tough time overcoming any of this because most of what is working against him is out of his control (Europe, the economy, e.g.).

We are freakin' doomed.

MrFizzy January 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I tend to be pessimistic too, but one thing that keeps me going (in addition to JW Black Label) is that the rest of the world is fucked up even more than we are, with some minor exceptions. With any luck Newt will get exposed and utterly crucified in this electoral process, and things will keep improving slightly as BO tries to convince 51% of the people in this country that (a) he's smarter and more moral than they are, even though he's black, and (b) that a government that regulates things isn't all bad. Of course, humankind is going to snuff itself out anyway, but that takes me back to the other thing that keeps me going. That and Wonkette.

proudgrampa January 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Thank you, Fizz! That perspective reminds me that I still have my friend, Bombay "Boomer" Sapphire to depend on!

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Boomer shot Adama.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:24 am

Now I remember that!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:36 am
Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm

IMO, I think some of the bosses in the Republican Party are getting nervous over the possibility that Newt might be able to get the nomination since well, y'know, he'd be running against Barry.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:25 am

And Barry would make mincemeat of Newt without breaking a sweat.

Rotundo_ January 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You know who else was regarded as rediculous until they won election…

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ronald Reagan?

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm

George W. Bush?

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Jesse Ventura?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Ahnold?

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm
ProgressiveInga January 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Alan West?

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Ben Jones, aka Cooter Davenport?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 22, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Newt?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Jesse Ventura?

rocktonsam January 22, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Here in Wisconsin, there is a recall election in 6 months. My concern is election burn out. I'm not sure who that would favor.

After all, if those kids that voted in 08, voted in 2010, we wouldn't be so preoccupied with Walker.

I trust President Obama, always have.

I love our FLOTUS and hope Axlerod is on his game with the Chicago machine.

Merkia won't stand for a cocksucking harpy as POTUS or first lady like the Gingrich's.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 11:39 pm

proudgrampa, honestly, let's get a bit more optimistic or at least realistic. Things aren't quite as bad as you so often make them out to be. Keep your head up, and try not to forget the snark every once in awhile. There is enough pessimism flying around the world outside of Wonkette as it is.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Newt Gingrich is INFURIATED that Obama cuckolded his love of America with that "Let's Stay Together" stunt!! At his next campaign stop, he will sing either "Pearl Necklace" or "Woke Up With Wood" by ZZ Top.

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Well, if I was the President
The minute the Congress called my name
I'd say, "Now, who do – who do you think you're foolin'?"

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:27 am

That should doom his campaign immediately.

His speaking voice is bad enough, fingernails on blackboard. I shudder to contemplate his *singing* voice.

Local_Mojo January 22, 2012 at 1:47 pm

It may just be me, but I don't think Mrs. Gingrich has naturally-blonde hair.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I don't think she has naturally-anything anything. Except for the naturally scary eyes.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm not generally a fan of cosmetic surgery, but in the case of her razor-thin lips and toucan-hooked beak, I'd definitely recommend an exception to my rule.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I've only seen a few pictures of Callista in her pre-Stepford state, so I'm not certain. But I think the nose at least has already been cut. Sometimes this kind of surgery just doesn't work out as you hope, especially because it can be hard to predict how a decent nose job might look after a few other surgeries. (Say: facelift stretches the skin, and what used to be an OK looking nose becomes a beak.)—

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 2:53 pm

See also: Tara Reid's sunken belly.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 9:22 pm

I've only seen one pre-Stepford picture of Callista but I think she's either a cosmetic surgery addict or picked the worst plastic surgeon in the world. Maybe both.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Soft tissue healing/scarring is also a difficult to predict variable, especially in a such a small area as facial cosmetic surgery, where a sixteenth or a twentieth of an inch can make a very noticeable difference.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:29 am

Oh, yeah, I just loved that movie

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:30 am

Even those aren't natural. She's had that lid lift thingy the ladies do when they get older and their lids start to droop. That's why her eyes look so scary. At certain angles, the level of her eyelids is clearly unnatural.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

45. She's 45 years of age, hardly qualifies as "older", unless compared to 30-somethings, who are mere children, or nearly mere grandchildren, as compared to us oldes. And my gawd she looks awful!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:46 pm

She could be my kid. (Anything but THAT!) Srsly. I'm that much older than her. But if you saw us together, you'd swear she was older.

You did good, hon, picking me for your Internet gay marriage partner. Now for god's sake, replace that goddam av before people start wondering about our sex life.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Jeebus, I hope you haven't seen the carpet to compare it with the drapes!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 22, 2012 at 6:25 pm

One women's quest to have hair like Callista….
http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/p

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:34 pm

I think Callista's hair is a helmet to keep Newt's man boobs from giving her a concussion.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:37 am

That woman's deluding herself if she thinks she looks anything like the bleached harpy.

BarackMyWorld January 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Someone really needs to point out that Newt is 68 years old and weighs 300 pounds, and despite his half-ass campaign schedule so far, is going have to start picking up the campaign pace in order to keep up with Romney and Santorum. Also, his overall demeanor as a human suggests high blood pressure.

Draw your own conclusions.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The Schaden Freudes Itself.

That's my conclusion.
~

Biff January 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I/we never expected McCain to live this long, either, which made Lou $arah that much more frightening.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:41 pm

The only reason McCain is still alive is that Barry won in 2008. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if McCain had won, he would have "died in his sleep" within a month after taking the oath of office, if he even lived that long.

"Accidents can happen — like the killing of *you* buy *us*." — Fat Tony

ProgressiveInga January 22, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Someone really needs to point out that Newt is 68 years old and weighs 300 pounds….."

Shhhhhhhhhhh…….don't tell them that Newt's one Paula Deen meal away from the big one until after he picks a veep that is as vapid as $arah. Let it be our little secret…….

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Who d'you think he'll pick, Inga? He's already made noises about Sarah. Or could it be Santorum? Both Catholics, after all.

mrblifil January 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Yet I defy you to find a photograph or video clip showing Newt in profile from head to toe. It's almost like there's been an agreement or something. But did you know that Michael Moore is fat?

BarackMyWorld January 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I seem to hear that every time one of his movies comes out.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Hearing such criticisms from the likes of limbaugh never gets old!

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Perhaps self analysis and self awareness are not his forte.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I don't know if you guys remember this, but Chris Farley used to put on a white wig and impersonate Newt on Saturday Night Live. Once he did this, and Newt was actually in the audience and shook hands with Chris Farley (if you can even believe he was that much of a good sport). I swear you could *not* tell them apart.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 12:42 am

And yet it was Chris who left us early. Example of God not being fair.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 10:55 am

Of course I had to find some video of that, and googling "chris farley, newt gingrich" does indeed lead directly there, #1 in the upper right column was this footage of newt drunk, live on fox…

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I'm sorry, hon. You know I love you, and I'm as loving a husband as you'll ever find, but I cannot sit and listen to god knows how much blatheramskate coming from the likes of that lot.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Maybe we'll get to see some very interesting reality TV at some debate or speech.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Draw our own conclusions? Couldn't we just toss Newt into the Okefenokee Swamp and let the leeches draw their own "conclusions"?

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:59 pm

No go, says Pogo.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm

"We have met the enemy, and he is us Newt."

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:31 pm

We may be shed of him soon?

Biff January 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

"Shed" is his nickname for his FUPA.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm

AAAAUUUUGGGHH!~!! (falls off bed in paroxysm of pain)

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Evangelicals are hurting Christianity by allowing themselves to be fooled by such an obvious charlatan as Newt. But it is not even about evangelizing with them anymore, it is about setting up their Kingdom On Earth, in explicit contradiction of their Lord and Savior. In fact, the entire 6th chapter of Matthew is a stinging rebuke to everything American Evangelicals have done over the last 30 years. If the Fundies couldn't breed, they'd be in negative population growth.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matth

glamourdammerung January 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Evangelicals hurt Christianity and society in general with pretty much everything they do as part of their deviant lifestyle choice.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It wouldn't be so bad if they were just keeping their twisted lifestyle to themselves, but they are constantly on the lookout for opportunities for recruitment, especially of young people who are at a confused and vulnerable stage of life. Why, some fundamentalists have even become scoutmasters

glamourdammerung January 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm

And of course, they all want "special rights".

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 4:36 pm

And, as the early Mormons showed, once you allow marriage for two Christians, what's the argument against allowing it for three, four, however many you like?

glamourdammerung January 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Then of course, they will start demanding schools teach their deviant beliefs instead of say, science.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 4:02 pm

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal

Clearly, Jesus had never heard the Good News of Capital Gains, derivatives trading, or short-selling…or Second Amendment Solutions.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Well, there's nothing about hating gays in there – are you sure that's part of the bible?

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 9:56 pm

The problem with them there folks is that their right hand doesn't know what the far right hand is doing.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I forget sometimes the awesome poetry of the KJV. Thank you, dear Chet, for reminding me.

For my eye is single, and my body is filled with light.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:49 pm

If I thought anybody, anywhere, would get the reference, I'd have a bumper sticker like the bible cranks have, except mine sould say "Matthew 6:5".
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matth

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 12:38 am

I think you should go for it. Somewhere, sometime, someone might surprise you. And then they might stone you and your car.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:40 am

Darlin', don't encourage tessiee, she's a born troublemaker, and I want her whole and safe and with us for some years.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 1:50 am

Well, you know, “everybody must get stoned”. (Too tired to figure out how to make link to this.)Are you still having to take the pain meds? I read your comment somewhere else. I was hoping you'd be out with a hoola hoop by now, having a good time and no pain.

Guppy January 23, 2012 at 2:27 am

True Christians are closeted!

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm

BJ-OTUS?

SexySmurf January 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

O/T but did anyone watch that Drew Peterson movie on Lifetime last night? Because it looks like 50 million different kinds of awesomeness.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Since I'm madly in love with Kaley Cuoco's character in Big Bang Theory, now I have to find and record it.

finallyhappy January 22, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I follow her tweets and she reminded "us" but I forgot. I bet it will be re-broadcast 1000's of times- it is lifetime

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:36 pm

It's on like 3 times tonight alone, including right now. Recording it as I type.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:42 am

Dood, we haven't been married a week!

Biff January 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

What, she's not your type?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Oh, so it's "open marriage" again, eh?

freddymcmurray January 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I propose that we call Newt supporters, simply, Newters.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Pretty good. We could occasionally mix it up with "Newtists", and call gatherings of his supporters "Newtist colonies".

ShaveTheWhales January 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

What's wrong with the traditional term, "fucking idiots"?

freddymcmurray January 22, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Three additional syllables is too much effort.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I LOLed at that!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Or maybe Newticles, seeing as how he's a synthetic substitute for actual manhood.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 5:27 pm

And not too long before they are called Newtered.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I like Newter Tooters, myself.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Thanks, Gabby, for the service you provided. I don't know how AZ replaces Representatives, but if Brewer has any say, it'll be with a republican.

BarackMyWorld January 22, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I'm sorry to see her go, and hopefully she will be back when she's fully recovered.

Fortunately U.S. Representatives can ONLY be replaced by special election.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Her district probably won't make the mistake of electing a Democrat again, though.

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Gabby Giffords & Mark Kelly are what is great about America. Sometimes we forget with the 24/7 of Newt and Santorum et al. Thanks Gabby, you are incredible.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 6:52 pm

There's still some hope here he might run. But he'll need to act immediately if he is (residency requirements). A serious concern here, given the average IQ in AZ, is that the likely Tea-didate also has the last name Kelly. Seriously.

mrblifil January 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

She needed another year in office like she needed a hole in her head.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Too soon!

Rotundo_ January 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

With the level of gerrymandering going on it would have been a difficult campaign despite the decency and tenacity she has displayed. Some time for recovery and healing without the stress of running a campaign make a lot of sense. Hopefully we haven't seen the last of them, but I could understand why they might stay out of the political limelight for a while, if not permanently.

horsedreamer_1 January 22, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Victory. — Sarah Palin

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:44 am

Exactly. DAMMIT.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:43 am

I believe Brewer does have a say, unfortunately.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2012 at 3:03 am

Only as to when to schedule the special election. Governors can only appoint temporary senators to the U.S. Congress…a hold-over from when they were elected by state legislatures.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 3:09 am

Ah — thank you so much for clearing up the confusion. That's a tremendous relief, although where will they find a Democrat willing to run for that seat?

Negropolis January 23, 2012 at 7:17 am

You know, if Gabby gets to pick the candidate, all she has to do is show up in a commercial with this candidate and bestow her endorsement, and I think we can get this wrapped up pretty quickly. I know it's a swing district, but I do think her just cold endorsing the dude or dudette would be enough to keep the seat.

mrblifil January 22, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Today I went to St. Peter's Church on 5th Ave. of Manhattan and lit a votive candle to demonstrate my thanks to God Almighty for giving us the comedy.

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Romney lost because Newt uses the "politics of resentment and grievance" to obscure his record.

Who do suppose said that, this morning?
Katrina vanden Heuvel?
Chris Mathews?

Nope. Joe Scarborough.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Well, Joe is presumably running scared – he made the fatal political mistake of counting someone out too early. Some weeks ago, when Newtiepoo looked completely cooked, Scarborough Unfair did a monologue saying something more or less along the lines of "Look, Newt talks about all he did as speaker. But I was in Congress when he was speaker, and a bigger fuckup you've never met.".

If Gingrich becomes the nominee (or, the nightmare scenario from Scarborough's point of view, as well as most everyone else's: the President) then Morning Joe will have to bunk down in Villager Siberia for a spell.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 8:07 pm

How can they say these things with a straight face? How much personal denial can live in a person?

irishdave3 January 22, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Secret Service Designation of Big Head includes both…

Puffperney January 22, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Take heart, Gingrich has near 100% recognition by the public and a 59% disapproval rating. Hard to change minds on that scale. On the other hand 59% disapproval is lower than I would've hoped for.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I still hold out hope that the Republican leadership elite being part of that 59% will be his undoing.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I can't wait to see how they'll take Newt out of the running by Super Tuesday.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:51 pm

"59% disapproval is lower than I would've hoped for"

Let Newt keep running that mouth of his, and it's sure to go up.

Puffperney January 23, 2012 at 12:08 am

One hopes!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Rest assured. To know Newt is to loathe him.

Negropolis January 23, 2012 at 6:57 am

59% is a bit low given that only about a third of voters will vote for a Republican every single time, but that only means we need to push his unapprovals just a bit higher to get it to that.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 6:12 pm

OT: That Zoolander is just fuckin' lucky. Poor Flacco threw for more yards and still lost.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 6:26 pm

No Harbowl!

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Just to make sure, Go Giants next. Keep the (even) more dickish one out, too.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Let's hope for no Harbaughs at all. I'm going with Eli for the rematch.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I hate that fuckin' guy, I really do, him and his mom jeans/slacks.

Bluestatelibel January 22, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I just noticed, Kathryn Jean Lopez wrote: "Santorum delivers on substance." Worst possible choice of words EVER.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Or best.

ElPinche January 22, 2012 at 8:20 pm

K-Lo is not familiar santorum nor semen, just the poop. Lots and lots of poops.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 6:49 pm

C'mon people, wring that last drop of snark out of your underpants — WE CAN DO 1,000 COMMENTS!!!

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I have to start dinner so I'll be back in awhile. Do we have until midnight ET?

Bluestatelibel January 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

You'll get 12 hours. And tea and a biscuit.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Just like Foxconn, yay!

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Yes, it would be fitting for the Newt wins thread to reach the same number of comments as Newt's weight.

Just doing my part.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Oh, God, actual chuckle!

And there! I've made me a comment.

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Yeah, this thread is almost as big as Neut's ass

Neut [Cartman voice]: IT IS NOT!!!!

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:22 pm

It's big-boned!

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

But Marcus B. is the one who REALLY knows about having a big bone in his ass! [slide-whistle] wokka-wokka!

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:54 pm

BEEFCAKE!!

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Is that English or metric tons?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:36 pm

You dreadful child! Were you off seeing SorosBot, or are we to be denied fapping material yet again?

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm

But I wanna play some Skyrim!

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Man Bot up ya wimp!

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Skyrim is a testament to compression technology. There is SO DAMN MUCH to do in that game! So much voice acting compressed.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Did you know Paramaribo is the capitol of Suriname? It's true.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

What? What's that you said? Peakamybobo is your surname?

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:42 pm

My Suriname starts with a capital letter.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Any Ducks around?
Today I learned that the Willamette River, which is currently [oops ] flooding parts of that valley, is subject to Pacific tidal surges. The watershed is also heavily ACof E dammed and leveed, and still wipes out whole towns.

Also………….
Loathsome Newt.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Wy a duck?

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 8:06 pm

It's deep water.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I don' know viaduct, why a no chicken?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:28 am

Er … you're safe, right?

RIGHT?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:38 pm

I love the way that sounds, paramaribo. Valparaiso, also.

Did you know Cesaria Evora died recently? I'm heartbroken.

chascates January 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

60 Minutes isn't running segments about the election, unemployment, the debt ceiling, or troubles in the Middle East.

It's all about Africa: wildebeests, Jane Goodall, all the highlights.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:42 pm

It seems like all of American media is in fantasyland right now. Nothing about this country is as we know it to be. All the information out there is false, glitz, a plaster facade over the crumbling reality.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 12:22 am

I was actually glad to see some intelligent animals, for a change. Intelligent and sometimes even compassionate.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:30 am

Wildebeest?

Yeah, Amurkanbeasts are so much worse.

Srsly, you OK? Come talk to me at the political cat, one word, at google dot you know what, if you want.

Negropolis January 23, 2012 at 8:05 am

How could you forget Lara Logan? Jane was talking about being a big flirt, and then said something to the effect of "well, you're one too, right Lara?" and Lara blushes and said "this interview isn't about me" and the girls giggled together and started kissing, and everything was hot right and with the world.

Well, I made up the kissing part. The only thing they were kissing were chimps, but the rest was real, I swear.

chascates January 23, 2012 at 10:20 am

Jane doesn't look that bad for her age. I have to wonder if she's ever 'experimented' with primates.

mayor_quimby January 22, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Does anybody else hope that Tom Brady has chronic ED?
Just me?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Apparently, a dozen other people, judging by teh upfists.

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I've heard it said that if we reach 1000 comments, Marcus will get his wings.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

He already has them. He wears nothing else but them to the all the after parties.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:43 pm

How many pair max?

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Challenge accepted.

SudsMcKenzie January 22, 2012 at 8:25 pm

You know who Else had a quota they wanted filled?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 8:29 pm

The Idaho Highway Patrol?

ProgressiveInga January 22, 2012 at 8:31 pm

JFK?

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Harvard Law School – which is the only way that Nobama could get in? </troll>

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Do you know how many times I've had to tell the idiot trolls that Harvard is a PRIVATE institution and therefore not required to abide by AA? Or that President of the Harvard Law Review is a position where you don't get, you know, preference for skin colour? These same bozos who think lawyers are the lowest form of life who would sell their grandmothers for tuppence to further their ambitions simultaneously believe that these same sharks would stand quietly aside and let some person of brown hue take their hoped-for spot in law school, or be *given* the Law Review like a gift.

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 7:05 am

At Harvard they first check your privates? Who knew?

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Wilt Chamberlain?

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Every fucking metro-area police force in the country?

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm

We

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm

can

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Yes we can-can?

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Is this the Folies-Bergère?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Pointer Sisters ftw

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I know we can make it

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Yes, we can, oh yes we can-can, great gosh a'mighty, yes we can-can, why can't we if we wanna?, yes we can-can!
*dances*

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:40 pm

if we try

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm

A line of Wonkette can-cans is an amazing thing.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

It always helps to show a little leg.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Thunder-thighed, hairy, and scarred, but an amazing thing, nonetheless.

Wut? You know damn well the ladies won't join the line. They might talk about flashing their panties but they're not actually gonna let us see 'em.

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 9:14 pm

do

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 9:14 pm

it!

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm

can!

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Damn, Chet!

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:46 pm

OK, we got a 1000 comments on this thread. Does that mean we'll get better advertisers?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Sure looks like YOU know how to get things started!

finallyhappy January 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm

So I see Newt is going to Dusney World- didn't he just have something to say about the President going there?

BarackMyWorld January 22, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Oh my God is he really? Fucking dick.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Loathsome Newt.
[from upthread.....I like it...not sure if I wanna post it....ummmm....160 times though.]

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:52 pm

For some reason, I'm hearing this to the tune of Lonesome Cowboy Burt, courtesy of Frank Zappa.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I guess I really am the only person to visit Florida and not end up at Disney World.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:56 pm

I've been to many different places in the world, including the Haw Par Villa, but I have never yet been to Disneyland.

Biff January 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

Wow, you must've had an awesome childhood, to have been taken there!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Did you see those horrible statues of the people being eaten alive by giant blue rats? And our parents thought we were "sensitive" kids when we had nightmares!

ProgressiveInga January 22, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Gingrich/Dumbo 2012!

bikerlaureate January 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Snark… too easy… m-must resist…

Actually, Dumbo on the ticket would improve Neuter's unfavorable rating.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm

He still won't get the black crow vote.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Yes, but IOKIYAR. How quickly they forget!

DrunkIrishman January 22, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Newt celebrated his win last night by snorting a line of coke off Callista's hair.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 7:25 pm

which was convenient, because he had also used the edge of that hairdo to cut the coke into fine powder.

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Thank you for that visual. I find it horrible and delightful.

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 8:35 pm

With the passing of JoPa perhaps something from the most grateful dead for the Newter?

♪♫ Driving his train, high on cocaine,
Newter Boy YOU BETTER, watch your speed.
Trouble ahead, trouble behind,
And you know that notion just skipped his mind.

His old engine is about out of time,
Leaves Callista's Station 'bout a quarter to nine,
Hits Newbee Junction at seventeen to,
At a quarter to ten you know it's DRIVIN' again

New staff pulling train, it's like Newt's high on cocaine
Newter Boy YOU BETTER, watch your speed.
Trouble ahead, trouble behind,
And you know that notion just skipped his mind. ♫♪

KenLayIsAlive January 23, 2012 at 12:43 am

Haha. Her head really is like a Swiss Army Knife, isn't it.

voodooeconomics January 22, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Blame the Vaginas, not the Cocks.There also appears to be a difference in cocks. The GOP cock can probe around and the receiving end of the cock actually caused the cock to enter when it should not. Newt was a victim of his cock not knowing the rules. Callista vagina victimized his cock.
The Democrat cock gets no break. They threaten those with jail if they probe around, and the cock is always guilty.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 22, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Uhhhhh…. the fuck??

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm

It's OK–at this point we're going for volume, not substance.

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 8:58 pm

That's good – because I have no fucking clue what that was …

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I think what you're trying to say is that there are only two landlocked countries in South America.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:15 pm

One of them is Bolivia.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:16 pm

The other is Paraguay.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I was so hoping that Dumbya would be taking up residence in Paraguay after the 2008 election rather than Texas. I guess Barry gave him the all-clear signal before the inauguration.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:18 pm

The capital of Iceland is Reykjavik…

Biff January 22, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Iceland is in the North Atlantic…

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:29 am

Jesus Christ, would somebody just hand over the microfilm?! All these John Le Carre code-words are getting ridiculous!

Negropolis January 23, 2012 at 7:15 am

To the nearest pound, what is the weight of Callista Gingrich's helmet of hair?

Negropolis January 23, 2012 at 7:15 am

Um, whatever the fuck you're on must be some good shit, because you are very obviously scary-high. lol

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 7:50 pm

A friend of mine ,who is close friends with Ed Rollins, e-mailed him asking what he thought of the result and he wrote back "AAAAAGH".

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 7:52 pm

One of my closest friends, who doesn't know Ed at all, said the same thing, but with more 'A' s.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 7:59 pm

You have the bestest close friends AND a Hitachi magic wand? So jealous.

(Friends, I've got, I'm thinking wand.)

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I wish I had a Hitachi Magic Wand.

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

As I am unable to edit this comment, my poor punctuation stands.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm

You really know how to cheer a Creature up, Lizzie.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

The old-school GOP are shitting themselves.

ElPinche January 22, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Newt isn't new school GOP, he just plays one on teevee.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 8:37 pm

The old-school GOP is elderly enough to be shitting themselves without Newt's help.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:34 am

WIN!

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Ed Rollins has friends?

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Apparently he is very good friends with Harry Reid…make of that what you will.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I've met Harry, though I can't count him among my friends. I want to think better of him.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I think he is a good man.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:29 pm

The GOP has been riding the tiger for an awfully long time, and the high wire act is getting more treacherous each time. [OK, mixed metaphor, I know, but we are rolling here. Post one for the Chetster!] They come up with tricks and distractions – abortion, anti-"elitism", racist dogwhistles, mindless militarism, anti-gay initiatives, Christian paranoia, … – to distract their base from the fact that what they actually are consistently, reliably, 100% devoted to establishing a society in which the 1% can more easily funnel money away from the 99%. But the Republicans at the top really believe they can direct the monster's lumbering path whichever way they want. They discovered, with Bush's immigration reform, that sometimes the monster will wake up and bellow in anger, and they'll have to back down. But I don't think they ever contemplated the possibility that the beast would break out of its cage for good.

But it is inevitable that it will. And the process is enjoyable to watch.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:39 pm

They slept with the Tea Party and now they have a nasty rash.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:36 am

More like a drip. A foul, slow drip.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Yeah, it's as satisfyingly fun as watching a news video at work of a bunch of violent teenagers being arrested by the cops after being caught red-handed totally trashing a house. Then the camera pulls back and you realize it's your house.
Phyrric.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:06 am

I was thinking they don't want to be seen with the town skank in the daytime, but they knock on her door after the sun goes down — but yours is good, too.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:37 pm

"lsn't there a St. Aaargh's in Cornwall?"

"No, that's St. Ives."

"St. Ives."

"No, "Aaargh." At the back of the throat."

MosesInvests January 23, 2012 at 12:02 am

OOOH!
No, Aaaargh.

tessiee January 23, 2012 at 12:01 am

A friend of mine, who has no connection with Ed Rollins, used to live on the same block as Henry Rollins.

mayor_quimby January 22, 2012 at 8:00 pm

That was one of the ballsiest thing I've seen done in a long time by any politician. Just walk into heir room, take every question, and fight your way through the stream of bad guys like you were playing Double Dragon on single player mode.
Good stuff.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Hopey? Hopey don't fuck around, man. I love how he shut these whiners up in their tracks when they started up about him being weak. He cold told them, Just go ask Osama bin Laden how weak I am, doodz. You could hear the collective pants-shittery across the nation.

Harry_S_Truman January 22, 2012 at 8:35 pm

A friend of mine emailed me and asked what I thought of Ed Rollins, and I wrote back, "AAAAAGH."

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Excellent.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Who is Ed Rollins? Does he post here at wonkette?

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Republican campaign consultant.
http://www.bing.com/search?q=ed+rollins&form=

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Oh, that Ed Rollins.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Oh sorry! I just assumed you were being facetious!

I'm such a smartass.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:17 pm

The olds have caught up with me at times.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Ed Rollins is the new drummer for the band Spinal Tap.

Uh, oh.

AAAAAGH *Boom!*

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Could he be the one who chokes on someone else's vomit, instead?

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Well, sure, even though you can't dust for vomit. But not the one who died in the Bizarre Gardening Accident because, it's best not looked into.

LetUsBray January 22, 2012 at 9:14 pm

You can't dust for vomit.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Then what was that pink stuff they used to throw on the floor when somebody barfed in kindergarten?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Man, y'all just up and had a WILD party here soon's as I left, din'tcha?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Not as fun as you might think, coming up with 1,000 comments.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:05 pm

That's what you say NOW, buddy, but you been leavin' tracks ALL OVER these hyar pages, don't think I haven't seen 'em!

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm

We're trying to get to 1000 comments. Didn't you get Chet Kinkaid's memo?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I'm always late to the fucking party, man, plus I took extra pain pills, so now I keep reading everybody's comments three times before they sink in. In between tokin' on my vape, which sure ain't helping my memory none.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Wonkette's probably at least as enjoyable consumed in your manner.

I'm sure you'll catch the wave next time. Never fear, Wonkette is here. Wonkette is always here.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:38 am

I'm not sure whether to be reassured or horrified by that last sentence.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Damn, hate those pain pills, but gotta have 'em.

Uh, vape? Forgive me, I have the dumb…

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:39 am

I really hate them with a passion. They shut my brain down. It's like watching your brain work through treacle, slowly grasping a thought, turning it over … things that took an hour to do seem to take four. I can only cut down so much, though. Dammit.

Vaporizer, darling. Best way to inhale your medically-approved herb.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm

What kind of a party could it have been without you?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:07 pm

You darling girl!

Nothingisamiss January 22, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I'm just trying to be a part of the historical all-you-can-eat pigfest that celebrates South Carolina's primary voters.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Dood. I'd be happy to put on a pigfest to celebrate the end of these losers. It's coming, too, I can smell it.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 10:58 pm

There's still plenty o' santorum left in the back room. But you have to go through the back door to get it.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Yeah, maybe after I get my super-engineered waders that go up over my nose, Joe Bazooka style.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Dude, I had forgotten all about that guy in the Bazooka Joe comics!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:40 am

Hah. And you say you haz Teh Oldz.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Today I used the term 'tick dick' to describe an acquaintance .
Yes, it is already in the urban dictionary.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Is there a term called "Dick Tock"?

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:31 pm

It is there but as yet undefined.

Dick Tock is on Facebook as well.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Down to the short strokes, you guys!

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:28 pm

That's What She Said!

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Dirty, little thing!

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:34 pm

No it isn't, I just washed it!

Oh, wait

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Just as I thought. Turn my back on you for one night, and you're off hustling anything that walks. At least THIS time, you had the good taste to pick my Lizzie.

You slut.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 10:13 pm

What is this thing called, Love?

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Baby don't hurt me, baby don't hurt me, no more.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Allright, I've who's going to be posting the 1000th comment?

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Who's I've Who's?

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Bad Editing. Fired.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I dunno, I was thinking of changing my name.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm

"I've Who's" has got a ring to it.

"Who's I've Who's?" I like too.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Ivan Who's Kissinger Now?

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Ding!

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Ivan Beatinov.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:04 pm

For you? That's probly more like "Ive Ben Beatinov."

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I've worked for an Ivan Batinov. Real name.

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 9:34 pm

It looks as though Marcus will get his wings after all.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I don't know what, exactly, this has to do with newt, but salamander is close, innit?

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:01 pm

It looks like it's a lot more up Mint's RMoney's alley.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Are we there yet?

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:03 pm

If you ask that one more time, I'm gonna turn the car around and we're going home!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:45 am

When the kids were little, that was usually followed by "Can I pee now?"

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:05 am

Hold on! Almost!!

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:37 am

I just keep thinking about that scene in the restaurant from that movie. "I'll have what she's having."

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Ooooh I'm so close, keep going Wonkettes.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Wait, did you know that Etta James died?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I'm thinking math equations.

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Wonketes: Snarked for her pleasure.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I was gang-snarked.

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Ain't it great?—

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 10:22 pm

That's one way to get that much p.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 10:15 pm

My jaw's getting tired.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Keep going.

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Don't tug on my ears, I know what I'm doing.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Here, let me work the "Submit" button!

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Thank you, Chet Kincaid, I needed that.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

All the people who watched football instead of posting missed one hell of a ride.
Holy crap! 3 point game with only 5 minutes left! Seeya – if this is the 1000th post, leave the trophy with the doorman.

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Man, that was so good.

AlterNewt January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Ahhhhhhhh…. Cigarette?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I can haz cigarette? And now we must never speak of this horrible thread, or night, again.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Counter's showing 1004, right now. WOOHOO WONKETEERS!

Now what?

Come here a minute January 22, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Why would you paint the word "COW" on a cow?

(Just catching up on my Colbert Report episodes.)

Angry_Marmot January 22, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Read of a farmer doing that during deer hunting season. Someone shot the poor beast anyway. A hunter from South Carolina, no doubt.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:01 am

Damn, that cow must've died mad!

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Drunken hunters.

Dashboard Buddha January 22, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Wow…1000+ comments No way I'm going to add to this… At this point, no one will ever see it.

Oh wait.

Blueb4sunrise January 22, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I dunno, gotta go….early uhhhh, meeting….that's it , early meeting.
Thanks. I'll call.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Fucking football game is in overtime. I made dinner, served and ate it, cleaned up the big mess, took the garbage out, and that stupid game still isn't over. Fans are supposed to like close games, aren't they? I guess they exceed my attention span.

I HATE the NFL overtime rules and I missed the 1,000 comment excitement. I heard the prize was a pair of Mitts underpants.

iburl January 22, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Do you appreciate aged hippies slagging on Newt as much as I do?

Gingrich the Newt (A Capella) – Austin Lounge Lizards – Video: http://www.myspace.com/video/writch/austin-lounge

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Woohoo LOUNGE LIZARDS! Thank you!
I've got this CD – somewhere – and now it's suddenly relevant again.

Must….Find….It

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Does this involve some Richard Cheese?

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Lovely~! Thanks.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 10:30 pm

1,045 comments? Ken is going to be a happy boy when he sees this. It means more money to stock his underground panic room.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Cable! Cheetos! Booze!!
New Stainless-Steel Colander for head, to keep out the directed energy programming beams from VALIS!!!11!

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Laugh if you will, but I saw that guy in the public library the other day with that damn colander STILL on his head. It's been, what, ten years?

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 11:20 pm

I freely admit to wearing Colander Headgear, on occasion, but just for fun and never in an un-Altered state of mind. Besides, I have it on good authority that Colanders are only marginally effective in keeping out the Mind-Control Rays.
Aluminum Foil Hats serve better. There Are Studies.

ED- You will note that, in fact, the study cited found that Aluminum Foil helmets actually enhance the frequencies commonly assumed to be in use by the Government for Mind Control. However, their methodology is flawed. It's common knowledge that VALIS uses a modulated beam of Coherent light radiation in the Violet range of the visible light spectrum, so a reflective helmet would be particularly efficacious

Biff January 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

I live on the edge of Area 51. I've seen things. You don't wanna know…

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Step away from the ledge, C_R_Eature. Nice and easy now.

Extemporanus January 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm

SORTED

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 7:07 am

DETAILS

D, T, no big deal when u spellz as poorly as I.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 10:34 pm

1,048 COMMENTS!!!! I want to thank all the little people…

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Mine says 1,082 now. We've gone above and beyond for you, Chet.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Where the fuck AM I?

Biff January 22, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Fucking Giants, man…

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Triumph of the swill.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:04 am

Oh, tessiee! Tessiee, tessiee, tessiee! I'm tweeting this, my sharp-tongued signorina, my wicked, witty, wise and wacky one.

ElPinche January 22, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Buttsekks for 1,060. Writhe around in the Santorum.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:03 am

Who's that weird Xtianist fundie who's always going on and on about sitting in santorum and dick-to-turd sex?

ElPinche January 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

A Grande Poopachino with extra cream?

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Well fuck me.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:48 pm

If Soros says no, I'm next in line.

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 11:57 pm

*Cracks knuckles*

What was that, again?

flamingpdog January 23, 2012 at 12:10 am

Um, my apologies, flamingpdog was temporarily hijacked by a Chinese, Syrian, or Korean pirate. Control has been wrestled back with the help of the benefits of the glorious SOPA (you thought it was dead) legislation.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Challenge accepted.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:01 am

You know who e …

Never mind. I think you do.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2012 at 12:01 am

Your Judy Jetson avatar is making horndogs of the menfolk. Myself no exception.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:21 am

Well Jeez, it's no fun if your entendres are single!

tessiee January 22, 2012 at 11:00 pm

So would Callista.

SudsMcKenzie January 22, 2012 at 11:00 pm

First!

Radiotherapy January 23, 2012 at 12:04 am

C'mon Suds, 2,000 or bust. I was so late to the party I had to bring dishwashing soap and a broom. Who the hell put that Kenny G on?

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Although 1,108 comments (and probably more than that by the time I hit submit) is impressive, we still have a ways to go before we can challenge for the record, which at least in the parts of the net I inhabit is held by the AV Club's review for the latest episode of Community; currently 13,178 comments, and growing until whenever NBC finally wises up and brings the show back:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/regional-holiday-m

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:51 am

You're just trying to keep the rest of us away from MissTaken. Humph.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 1:45 am

You know, as I was saying to her earlier today, it is both flattering and sweet, and a little weird to find that a bunch of you fellow commenters seem to be shipping us now.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:50 am

I'm just enjoying teasing you because I'm horrible that way, but if it's bothering you, I'll stop immediately. I feel like I'm in on the beginning of a possibly great story, but I'm well aware of how much of that is projection. It's hard to have anything but a vicarious life right now. Spring will be here soon, and with it, weeding, and then I'll leave you in peace. Just kidding. Let me know if it's getting unbearable. OK?

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 2:04 am

Nah, it's not bothering me; it just makes me feel odd, like we're in the spotlight. In fact, part of it is feeding my usually nonexistent ego; just wanted to note the strangeness of the situation.

MissTaken January 23, 2012 at 7:45 am

You've just admitted to the world that we've broken the fourth wall are speaking to each other, oh noes!

But yes, it's flattering and sweet, really.

SorosBot January 23, 2012 at 9:37 am

D'oh! Luckily it's buried in the 1300 comment thread where nobody else will read it! But this can feed their vicarious fantasies.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Thank you. Both of you are awfully sweet, you know, and I don't know about anyone else but I'm beginning to take a decidedly avuncular interest.

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Kind of off topic — but then, what hasn't been in the last two pagees — but am I the only one that thinks that Mitt Romney looks like an honest-to-goodness canine? I mean a chimera that looks half shaggy dog and half man? It's been bothering me for some time, now. The media keeps on about this "handsome" thing, and all I can see is this dog-faced man with an awkward laugh.

chascates January 22, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I'm thinking Max Headroom but without any sense of irony.

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I'm inclined to think that it is 250 million Ameros of handsomeness that he has.

Radiotherapy January 22, 2012 at 11:53 pm

I'm more of a cat person.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 12:31 am

You are just able to see the Dog-Goddess fucking with his soul energies in retaliation for a certain thoughtless and cruel action.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:56 am

I could overlook a lot of stuff in a possible presidential candidate, but not that kind of thoughtless cruelty. If ya gotta pick a fight, always pick on someone yer own damn size. Smaller/weaker/dependent creatures should never be subjected to the kind of treatment he gave poor Seamus.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:04 am

At least he hosed the dog off, which is more than he did for all the workers who lost their shit because of Bain.

flamingpdog January 23, 2012 at 2:01 am

The workers got hosed, nevertheless.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:03 am

I'm not comparing the suffering here. What he did to the workers of those companies is pretty damn horrible. But aren't you *supposed* to have *more* care and concern about a dumb animal that you consider part of your family than about a bunch of strangers whose names you don't even know?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:54 am

Not like an *honest*-to-*goodness* canine, but pretty fucking homely. I mean, let's face it, if it was a choice between him and George Clooney … Viggo Mortenson … Hopey Changey … Jon Stewart … I'm thinkin' Mittens won't have to unbutton his underwear. I know who I'd be choosing. And as for the awkward laugh, I can't recall when I last heard of a public figure who was so painfully and obviously uncomfortable in his own skin — except maybe G,H.W. Bush.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:17 am

Do you mean to say that if we stripped off the wig and rubber mask we'd find Dean Jones????

ThundercatHo January 23, 2012 at 8:59 am

"Nobody would've ever figured it out if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Serena Williams is getting beat up right now. I give her 10 minutes before she starts threatening to kill a line judge. Also too, it's over 100 degrees on the courts so some players might fall down and die.

Craig January 22, 2012 at 11:38 pm

"[Newt] still takes seriously the unfortunat­e and misguided idea that he could actually manage to win the presidency­. [...] Newt is almost as beatable as Palin, but he’s still *so not Mitt Romney*."
http://bod­ydialectic&shy;.wordpress­.com/2012/­01/22/laug­hable-extr­emism-the-­not-romney­ness-of-ne­wt-gingric­h/

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 11:38 pm

What's the score?

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 11:42 pm

6-2 5-3

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Ekaterina Makarova. Nobody saw this coming. I think the heat is killing Williams

DerrickWildcat January 22, 2012 at 11:51 pm

And that's it 6-2 6-3

Negropolis January 22, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Hmmm…who is she playing?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 22, 2012 at 11:48 pm

There is a need for an English word for schadenfreude, may I suggest gingrichment?
Discuss.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2012 at 12:13 am

A ginger who has enriched himself off the gubmint and Party teat — to humorous effect?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 12:57 am

No slurs against gingers, in memory of my sainted ginger cat and also on behalf of SorosBot, who is adorable.

bagofmice January 23, 2012 at 5:15 am

I was under the impression that the schaden freudes itself.

Radiotherapy January 22, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Comment #1158 has been deleted by the administrator.

flamingpdog January 23, 2012 at 12:22 am

Intense Debate LIBEL!!1!

Although, as much as ID sucks some (= most) of the time, I think proving libel in court might be pretty nigh to impossible.

NYNYNYjr January 23, 2012 at 1:11 am

What do you have to do to get deleted by the administrator here? This is comment #1160.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:08 am

How old is the little ho-bag? It's hard to tell with those multiply-sandpapered faces.

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 1:30 am

Got a rethuglican push-poll tonight. "Does it bother you that tax rates are going up under Obama?" Wish I could remember the other idiot questions. I hope it skews their results (as if they were actually recording my responses).

Radiotherapy January 23, 2012 at 2:19 am

Also, did you know, Obama, the Kenyan usurper, has cut defense spending? And is the "food stamp" president?

Geminisunmars January 23, 2012 at 2:31 am

Oh My God. The food stamp president!!! He is the one who started giving free food to those freeloaders! And how can we protect ourselves if we don't have a military? The horror. And I hear he isletting people be homosexuals.Those polls really piss me off, because there is no one there to tell off, just the stupid recording. I answer the stupid things because I don't know if they are actually storing the answers or not. Maybe someone here knows.

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 1:49 am

1,251!! I feel like Jerry Lewis on Labor Day!! I KNOW some of you people can still give more…can we make it to — 1,750? (Cue bathetic strings of "People Who Need People")

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:21 am

Yes we CAN!

Si, se puede!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:26 am

You know what would induce me to give to Jerry's fucking telethon? if he set some absurdly high (but still reachable) monetary goal with the payoff being that he would put The Day The Clown Cried on Netflix. Talks about yer Faustian bargains!

flamingpdog January 23, 2012 at 2:06 am

♫ This is the thread that doesn't end,
Yes, it goes on and on my friend,
Some people started commenting not knowing what it was
And they'll continue commenting forever just because.

This is the thread that doesn't end,
Yes, it goes on and on my friend,
Some people started commenting not knowing what it was
And they'll continue commenting forever just because… ♫

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:11 am

OK, are you Barb's songwriting partner?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 23, 2012 at 2:12 am

It sounds a bit like Garry Shandling's thread…

paris biltong January 23, 2012 at 3:21 am

1300 or thereabouts. Maybe we can keep this up until Florida and give our editors a rest.

Extemporanus January 23, 2012 at 5:16 am

If comments were years, it was in this one that Dante Alighieri undertook his epic journey through the three realms of the dead.

Today, we are al dente

weej_bain January 23, 2012 at 7:09 am

Today, we are Al Dente…

The Flying Spaghetti Monster's dentist?

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 8:28 am

9-9-9 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:56 pm

You're just bragging because you got up early, Spurning.

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

9-9-9 Bottles of Beer!

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

You take one down

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

And pass it around,

Spurning Beer January 23, 2012 at 8:30 am

9-9-8 Bottles of Beer on the Wall!

Everybody!

Chet Kincaid January 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

There's a new post up, so I now declare these comments closed, because I am the boss of all of you!! Waiter, what's the damage?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Shoot, and I slept and came back ready for more.

hagajim January 23, 2012 at 10:33 am

"hodorhodorhodorhodor: Someone has been reading too much "Game of Thrones"

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Shit, I can no longer get this out of my mind. Lip smacking pig.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm

He does it when he is rattled.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Is "head charisma" like "head cancer"? Because Mittens should probably have a few of those.

Nothingisamiss January 21, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Frankly, that makes it sound better than it's gonna be.

MittBorg January 21, 2012 at 10:19 pm

How can you tell, when he has no lips to speak of? Or with, or through, or whatever one uses on those hideous squirming wormlike ridges of muscle.

HistoriCat January 21, 2012 at 10:39 pm

That's it – I am officially declaring you the sister I never had. Can I bring anything for the meal?

tessiee January 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

"I'm making a full Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, lol."

Are you a little late or a hell of a lot early?

flamingpdog January 21, 2012 at 10:41 pm

And the other dad actually was God, unlike Newt, who only thinks he's God.

OhNoGuy January 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Scientifically, those are known as "liver lips".

You're welcome.

Barb January 21, 2012 at 11:53 pm

We have a black lab who lives next door who gets our leftovers. She's happy and the size of a horse. Jeff and I lean on the wall that separates us from our neighbor and pretend to talk as we are dropping chunks of leftover dinner, "la, la, la."

I was one of nine children and I should learn to cook for just two people. Nothing exceed like excess.

SorosBot January 21, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Nine? Holy shit; I don't even have that many first cousins and cannot image what growing up with that many siblings was like.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 22, 2012 at 12:22 am

Does it matter? Ice cream!

Barb January 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

Tessiee, I don't eat turkey on Thanksgiving. My husband and I are super kinky foodies and I can make a buffalo jump off a nickle. In November, when everyone is grabbing turkeys, I am grabbing half priced veal. As we drive home, I rub the receipt from the grocery store all over my body and whisper to my husband how much we saved.

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 12:37 am

Yeah, one of my exes used to be my best friend, and the person I trusted most despite our strained sexual past. (Then she died; but that's another, sadder story).

Biff January 22, 2012 at 11:19 am

I only count two exes in the "not friends" category, and only one of those do I hate with the white hot intensity of a thousand sunlamps. The other would be on "ignore" status, had she not taken up with my next-door neighbor.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 12:41 am

I *know* that's not true. "Liver lips" are what people usually say deprecatingly to us fuller-lipped people of colour. No, this is like George W. and his Daddy and Mittens — no real lips at all, just thin pink earthworm-like ridges of muscle writhing around on their faces.

Barb January 22, 2012 at 12:44 am

Soros, nine children in nine years. My mother wore it like a badge of honor.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 12:45 am

ZOMG! I am SO sorry. That's awful. My dear friend, permit this hug. (Hugs the Bot)

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 12:57 am

Thanks; it was a while ago now, but I do still miss her, and wonder if there was more I could have done to save her – she was an alcoholic, and basically drank herself to death.

Spurning Beer January 22, 2012 at 12:58 am

Wow. Her "9-9" plan was prescient.

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 1:00 am

Catholic?

And here I thought my cousin who had five kids over twenty years was insane (though that was one kid, divorce, remarry, then four kids over six years).

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 1:27 am

Rest assured, there is nothing you can do to save your friends from their addictions. An addict can only recover when they can admit their addiction. You are a fine human being, and were probably as good a friend to her as she could have hoped for. I'm very sorry that she took that path.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 1:48 am

"…to us fuller-lipped people of colour" wait, what, ya mean yer BLAH?

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 1:55 am

Thanks — just call me "glamour puss"!

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 2:03 am

Thanks a lot; that really does help. And I don't know why I'm suddenly dwelling on her; it was three years ago now.

But I still wish I could have helped her, somehow. Or someone else could have helped her. It's the endless game of second-guessing.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 2:28 am

amen brother, one of my exes is currently drinking/ drugging herself to death in S. Florida and I understand how painful that can be wishing I coulda/ shoulda done something more to help her (a wise friend told me not to 'should' on myself!) …I'm really sad tho for her daughter who is quite angry/ bitter about it, watching your own momma self-destruct is something no child should have to bear…peace be with you

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 2:33 am

If I'm not mistaken, you have just over the past week or so connected with another human being in the same intimiate and vulnerable way that you once connected with your ex. Naturally, your thoughts turn to similar occasions. We all desire connection, but connection is a moment of exquisite vulnerability, my friend. It takes great courage and faith in oneself to leap into the abyss and let come what may.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 2:39 am

I regret that I am not so fortunate to count any African among my ancestors. No, I am not Blah. However, I do love all things blah, and rejoice in the blahness of all. You seem surprised.

Dashboard_Jesus January 22, 2012 at 3:03 am

aw heck no I'm not surprised, I was just jealous for a minute…I'm rather tired of my own pasty white Irish skin and would welcome a little blah-ness, it might even help with my dancin'

HistoriCat January 22, 2012 at 10:32 am

In explaining to my 4 year old about Martin Luther King Jr day, we told her that white people used to not be nice to black people (we'll wait for the awfulness of reality to catch up to her before becoming more nuanced). She declared that "silly – there's no white people or black people. Only brown people and beige people."

Obviously she knows nothing about the Republican presidential candidates.

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

As always, I am here to serve; you're welcome.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Advice: Don't learn how to swear in Serbo-Croatian, or you'll never again successfully complete an order for pizza.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I will absolutely heed this advice!

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Dear DJ, my older brother and best friend killed himself with alcohol 8 years ago this month. I was so angry with him for taking himself out of my life. He was my only sibling. It is still painful. But I work on forgiving him because I know he had enormous pain – pain that he was trying to cover up with anesthesia, and the shame of being addicted. Oh hell, don't know what I'm trying to convey to you. Just hugs.

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I sure heart you, whateveryournameis.

Dashboard_Jesus January 23, 2012 at 12:15 am

well said MB, I believe we strive for the most basic connection of love for ourselves and our fellow human beings from the day we are born, it's so simple yet many things transpire in the collective unconscious of 'humanity' that we are thrust into that lead us away from this basic truth…one of my favorite Buddhist monks gave me this most excellent teaching that I try to use as a daily mantra/ prayer, namaste…"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness" ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

flamingpdog January 22, 2012 at 2:12 pm

A friend of mine told this story on herself many, many years ago. She said she was in a Mexican restaurant and decided she wanted some chimichangas. But when the waitress came over and asked her what she wanted, she got tongue-tied and asked for chi chi grandes. The waitress looked at her and said, "So would I, but what do you want for dinner?"

MissTaken January 22, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Watch out, SorosBot has a nasty jealous streak!

SorosBot January 22, 2012 at 3:02 pm

But it sometimes can be hot to see that other guys also appreciate your accounting skills.

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I just hope that if you three decide to do your taxes together, you'll set up a webcam so the rest of us can watch.

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:19 am

That's what we all appreciate most about MissT. Man, those are some WICKED accounting skills right there!

weej_bain January 22, 2012 at 3:47 pm

QwikBookz will never be the same.

Jukesgrrl January 22, 2012 at 5:55 pm

It will definitely be more exciting than that webcam in Wisconsin. Although they might want to invite Pearls.

bagofmice January 22, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Does this imply that a Turbo Tax would be a bad thing?

MittBorg January 23, 2012 at 1:20 am

We've already had someone wire up SorosBot's house with videocams while he was out food-shopping. I'll be emailing you your share of the bill.

Chet Kincaid January 22, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Funny!

Btw, I saw Red Tails yesterday. Fun light entertainment, but entirely too chaste!

Limeylizzie January 22, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Damn

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Aww! That is SO sweet. Kids don't know about racism, or any isms. Give her a big hug for me for being such a wonderful little light in the world. It's hard to have to tell those trusting little faces that there are people in the world who will hurt other people for such trivila reasons as the melanin content of their integuments. (Hugs the HistoriKitten again)

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I think I'd call myself a brown. But I always resented that my parents got in on that big movement Out of Africa, you know, way back in the beginnings of humanity. I could have been born with long muscular legs and perfect teeth and skin as smooth and close-grained as satin and the colour of an eggplant, and hair like a halo, with a life of its own. I coulda been a famous runner! Dammit, Momz! I coulda been a contendah!

Instead I'm a short pudgy person with a gimpy knee. Whatever, I guess.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Not to mention that they're *good* for you.

finallyhappy January 22, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Absolutely – turnips are an awesome vegetable – but I think rutabagas come pre-waxed(buy local or organic- no wax!)

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

You'd have to be a saint not to have at least one in that category. I have one too, but I don't think of the jerk often, which permits me to maintain my status as a human being of generally noble sentiments.

I really do not like that lady for doing that to you. That is stone-cold cold. If she ever drops by complaining of mysterious headaches and pains, you can smile and rub your hands in glee. (Not in *front* of her, of course.) I'll see if I can have her reincarnate as a cockroach.

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

My dear, I'm so sorry. (Hugs you)

Suicide is the last resort of the suffering. And alcoholism, or any other kind of deadly addiction, is just slow suicide. He didn't mean to hurt you by leaving. He just couldn't cope any more, dear. Consider yourself held very close.

Dashboard_Jesus January 23, 2012 at 12:07 am

MB said it best, it's so hard to see someone you love self-destructing by using a substance to numb whatever pain they are feeling…hell most of us know the pain of being human in this crazy fucked up world and trying to make sense of all the bullshit that is thrown our way…funny how much easier it would be if we could all learn to love each other unconditionally and to work together for the happiness of ALL our brothers and sisters…it's one of the reasons why this nice Irish Catholic boy turned to the compassion and honesty of Buddhism (don't tell Dad!) to help guide my way, and being here on the Wonkettes DEFINITELY helped to preserve my sanity during the long, dark years of the Cheney/ Bush clusterfuck…an Indian saint/ guru said it best I think, "It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society" ~ J. Krishnamurti

MittBorg January 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

And I know you know that you have an abiding place in my heart, dear whoeveryouare. (Hugs you fondly)

I am very pleased to have your friendship.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

One of my bosses is looking for an in-state college for his son. They're a religious family, so he said he doesn't want to send his son to one that would "fill his head with secular propaganda". So, fuck me I guess, because I suggested Regent or Liberty. God forbid he sends his precious boy to some place like William & Mary that turns out heathens like Jon Stewart & Patton Oswalt.

C_R_Eature January 22, 2012 at 5:40 pm

AH, Hahahah HaHaHa hehehe. Marvelous!
(scribbles margin notes on pronunciation. Underlines, Stars.)

Dudleydidwrong January 22, 2012 at 5:56 pm

We wouldn't want the little dear to be exposed to a wider world and learn to think for himself, now would we?

Chichikovovich January 22, 2012 at 6:23 pm

There must be at least one Wahabbist madrassa in Virginia. There wouldn't be any problem with secularist propaganda there.

Loaded_Pants January 22, 2012 at 6:30 pm

One of my best friends happens to be an ex. Though we are miles apart, we still keep in touch. He still lives in the small town where I met him, where he now lives with a wonderful partner.

I've only had two exes that were truly awful. The first hit me once. I broke it off right then & there. The 2nd was really jealous & just wanted me to stay in my apt. to await his glorious appearance to visit me on his days off. I went out once to a club with my friends without him (didn't even flirt with anyone–just sat at the same table like a zombie all night & didn't even get on the dancefloor). He found out about it, showed up at my apt. & called me something I could not forgive him for. Then he had the gall to harass me with endless phone calls for weeks afterward trying to convince me we should get back together.
He never even apologized for his insult.

Biff January 22, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I can't envision any circumstances under which I would have words, or any other contact with her again, ever. No hatred, she's just dead to me.

OKthennext January 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I love the way you said "melanin content of their integuments".

Go biology majors!

Geminisunmars January 22, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I couldn't decide whether to say "and with a heart of gold" or "and with a black heart". The good kind of black heart.