funny pictures

Mitt Washes His Magic Underwear For Good Luck in South Carolina Primary

Why am I still holding this box upside down when there's no soap in it?

Look at Mitt Romney in South Carolina today trying so hard to operate a small container of laundry detergent like he knows how it works, AW. No no, Mitt, the machine does not have change for a fifty, QUIT jamming the bill into the coin slot. Sigh. What were the other candidates up to?

Here is Newt wedged into the order window at a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru trying to give some obese customers that final push toward a heart attack. Hope they voted first!

Rick Santorum is returning to invisible mode and polling in fourth place behind Ron Paul. This is how he is trying to remind everyone that he still exists on the front page of his campaign website right now:

Aaaaaaand he got caught trying to service his microphone, again, to console himself.

“Poor” Mittens, he better have sprinkled in some of his magic moon dust along with the box of Tide. After leading in South Carolina by a wide margin for weeks, NYTimes poll nerd king Nate Silver is now giving Newt Gingrich an 89% chance for victory tonight due to, uh, senile wingnut Chuck Norris’s endorsement or something. [Twitpic/ MoJo Tumblr]

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        1. MittBorg

          It is #2, haha, Marianne Giger. Wife #1, Jackie Battley, is nearly a decade older than Newtie, and, in his opinion, not pretty enough to be a first lady.

        1. NYNYNYjr

          Yeah, just read Erikson's article– it definitely WAS Perry, and he seems fine with Newton Leroy.

    1. Negropolis

      They were once…humans…in animal costumers. Now, one of them is an animal in a human costume.

    2. tessiee

      After several people asked Newt why he didn't come to the costume party *in costume*, they traded so that his wife du jour was wearing the pig costume.

    1. snackypants

      Notice the wallet impression left in the back pocket, presumably by his gigantic money-stuffed wallet.

    2. snackypants

      Also, somebody needs to tell Mittens that mom jeans are just as unflattering on middle-aged men!

    3. MittBorg

      Mitt's not going to fare well in the visuals, up against Obama. He's the (ew) best-looking of the remaining candidates, but he is still a pasty, paunchy, wrinkly, saggy, gray-haired old man.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Maybe he'll try to summon his puppy-dog pity face from his younger days when he was a "missionary"?

        1. MittBorg

          Pity fucks are so last-decade, though. He's not gonna win this thing. Ron Paul is using Obama's strategy to pick off delegates, and even though Santorum isn't going to revive, Newt will prove to be a pain. Oh, yes, he will. Oh, my. Pass the popcorn, darling. It's going to be a LONG, fun election.

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Looks ridiculous in jeans and Brooks Brothers flannel shirt, looks like a vulture capitalist (who'd a thunk it) in a suit. The guy can't win. Meanwhile, Obama totally rocks whatever he wears.

        Let's just pray that unemployment continues to drift downwards for another ten months. So long as the lying shits at Fucks Gnus don't graph the data, it will make for a compelling graphic.

        1. MittBorg

          It's because he's a thorough fake. There's a lot of things about our dear Prez that sometimes just make me want to sit him down and have some stern words with him. But when all is said and done, the man knows who and what he is, and that is his great strength. He has an authentic center. He has a place he calls home. He knows where his principles are grounded, and he knows what he can and will do, and he is confident in his own abilities and acknowledging of his own frailties and wants.

          Newt, Mitt, and that lot — they are the hollow men.

    4. SorosBot

      Money talks
      But it don't sing and dance
      And it don't walk
      And long as I can have you here with me
      I'd much rather be
      Forever in mom jeans

    5. tessiee

      "epic blue jeans fail. "

      *snooty Thurston Howell-type voice*
      I thought it was rather clever of him to wear dungarees — as though one were poor.

    6. Serolf_Divad

      $35.00 pair of jeans that a campaign aide rushed over to buy at the Gap, paired with a $650.00 shirt that Mitt buys from a London tailor that only a handful of zillionaires have ever heard of.

      Win. How could it be anything but a win?

    1. NYNYNYjr

      Why not? This thing seems pretty fluid. The polls change there, he wins Florida, then he has won 2 of 4. Romney and Newt may capably dismantle each other.

      1. tessiee

        Well, the obvious answer would be the asshole of the country, but there's so much competition for that honor right now that it would be impossible to decide on just one place.

        [hint: it's a great day in South Carolina]

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Perry just went home to defend America's backside. Santorum might surge past the Mitt, but it's gonna be a tight squeeze in Tex's ass.

  1. skaboomizzy

    I've been going to ChickFilA 2-3 times a week for a couple months now, but I think that Newt photo has finally put me off it. I'll always try to remember that last delicious Spicy Chicken Deluxe sandwich.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      I used to really like Chick-fil-a, but if I knew that Newt's filthy hands had been on my order, I think I'd just chuck it back through the drive through window.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      I quit taking my kids to Chick Fil A when I read that they donate LOTS of dinero to anti-gay groups. I just told my kids that someone was murdered in the local chain & they don't miss it….

      1. Guppy

        I'm still waffling over that. Chick-Fil-A themselves doesn't make those donations, it's the owner's personal money. Of course it's a thin line…

        And I'm kind of fond of the "closed on Sundays" bit if only because they have to be the only fast food place where the workers always know what one of their days off will be. They only have to deal with random job schedules 6 days a week.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          I'm one of those moms who doesn't fill my kids with fast food three times a day. They actually get it about once a month, so my paltry boycott doesn't hurt them any. I just felt better doing it; I also boycott circuses and rodeos. I know this doesn't hurt any of these corporations–I just feel better about myself by doing it..

    3. tessiee

      "that last delicious Spicy Chicken Deluxe sandwich"

      Newt's a chicken, but I'd hardly call him spicy.

  2. Rotundo_

    Who would have thought that the troop of candidates would winnow down to these four guys, and that Newt! of all people, would be considered by anyone, even the crazies in the southeast USofA as a viable candidate for anything, let alone president? You keep watching, amazed thinking "They really can't be that flipping nuts can they?" and sure as the sun rises in the east, they are.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      The Anybody-But-Romney brigade really came out. This must sting him as much as his 2008-2009 run did.

      1. MittBorg

        He's a slow learner. Did he really think that these religionuts were going to like him any better four years later? I mean, what has he done for *them* lately?

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You have to cut them some slack …. I mean, look at the fucking ballot that was handed to them. If "None of the Above" had been an option, we'd be laughing our asses off right now.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        The mechanical one? The one that's clean and well-oiled?
        Wait, I've got it …. the one you'd prefer to see in the White House!


  3. Negropolis

    It may not have been as quickly as I'd like, but Operation Chaos is finally being pulled off.

    BTW, that gif is so immature…and I'm laughing like a twelve year old.

  4. FlipOffResearch

    I saw Romney on TV the other day, and then it hit me – Romney reminds me of Donnie Osmond.

    Then I was thinking about how much Gingrich reminds me of a pig, a big fat white pig. And then it hit me – Snowball!

    Three wives good one wife bad.

    I guess someone else beat me to Santorump.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I've thought about calling him Alberich, after the vicious dwarf obsessed with gold, in Wagner's *Ring of the Niebelungs* opera cycle. But that's maybe too fancy-pants.

  5. C_R_Eature

    "Operation Chaos" = Democrats do absolutely nothing, sit back, watch, drink and laugh, laugh, laugh.

  6. MilwaukeeKent

    It seems like it's been a month or two since since a righteously indignant conservative has told Newt to his face, on camera, that he's an A hole, a disgrace to his party and should drop out. Maybe those were plants from one of the campaigns that have ended or maybe his handlers have learned to recognize the type and head them off at the pass.

    Not that I want to see this freak show end just yet.

  7. Crank_Tango

    This is really good news for McCain.
    Whoever wins this shitshow is gonna get his white ass handed to him by Barry way harder than in 08.

    Fucking classic.

    1. Negropolis

      Crazy. Before I even read your post my first thought was "look; it's one of the Romney spawn." lol

  8. Limeylizzie

    Mitt looks stunned, he has always bought everything he ever wanted. BTW What delicious irony is it that Citizens United bit the Republicans first?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh yeah – and it's going to get much, much worse. What knocked Gingrich down in Iowa? What knocked Romney down in S.C.? The Repuke PACs are going to unleash a shitstorm of negative ads over every contested state from here on out, and the country is going to be sick to death of all of them before it's over.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Man, you just KNOW this is going to go to Newt's head, so it's only a matter of time before he starts babbling about his key role in the master plan of the universe, or something along those lines to make sane people go, "whoaaa".

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        It'll happen, but I'm hoping he saves it for the election campaign. Mitt likes to issue bullshit statements about Obama, but Newt is utterly insane when it comes to hating Democrats, and we can look forward to some really insane, racist gibberish when he gets fired up — especially when he finds himself behind and gets desperate.

  9. Negropolis

    There goes that "appeasement" bullshit, again. Go away, Willard. Better yet, lets cut out the middle man. Go to hell.

    1. Crank_Tango

      It's too bad Barry never did anything to help the FL tourism industry, like give a fucking speech on visas at Disneyw…

  10. KenLayIsAlive

    Wow, currently Newt clobbering Mitt by 7%. Beautiful.

    Well, at least we know that in the South, if it comes down to having the morality of a viagra-injected pig in heat or being Catholic or Mormon, the viagra-pig wins!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Them good ol' boys know the difference between theoretical Catholics and the real thing, and Newt's careful about crossing that line. Don't expect him to visit with the Pope any time soon.

  11. C_R_Eature

    Mitt: "Failed policies of the Obama Administration"

    Where in the Jumping Screaming Tapdancing Jesus was He during the Catastrophic George W. Bush Administration?

    "Obama has No experience running a business" MBA President. How did that work out, again?

    "Obama divided the country" Wait, What?

  12. Callyson

    Mittens is freaked out by the thought that "attacks on success" were effective. Which means Bain's actions will remain in the news cycle. Yes!

    1. MittBorg

      He's pitiful. He's a whining crybaby who has never had anyone say no to him in his entire fucking life, and now Newt, of all people, Newt the Needle Gingrinch is sticking that shiv between RMONEY's shoulder blades and twisting, and twisting, and smiling. And Mittens can't take it. He's falling apart in front of god and everybody. It's unnerving the voters.

          1. Isyaignert

            Hey Mr. Borg – Thanks for asking – I'm doin' great now! I live an hour south of Seattle in the woods. You may have heard we just had a huge ice storm. Our house lost power for 47.5 hours; but it's all good – we cooked on our Coleman camp stove on the front porch, moved the refrigerator/freezer food ouside in coolers, charged our cell phones on the car battery, huddled by the gas fireplace around our LED lantern, listening to AM on our hand-crank radio. Now we have to clean up the property – it looks like the trees all got drunk and had a fight to the death with chainsaws.

            Type to ya later.

          2. MittBorg

            ZOMG, I had no idea! I'm glad you're safe and sound, my dear, and I hope things are soon back to normal for you. Last winter, a tree came down on my house — right ON my bedroom, above my bed. It was pretty scary lying in bed all night listening to it creak and squeak as the wind blew through its branches. Best of luck, stay safe!

  13. johnnyzhivago

    Mitt needs to take it up a notch – play up his history of animal cruelty, maybe. Or next interview – just reach out and start strangling that liberal media monster!

  14. Negropolis

    How much you want to bet that Grandpa Paul is already in bed, tucked in by his children?

    EDIT: Mitt has just made the threat that he'll run for president forever, if he has to. Y'all better believe him.

  15. Negropolis

    Oh boy. With 18% in, it's already 41% to 27%, Newt. I don't care how much closer it gets, just to see that number has schadened my freude.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I've just been listening to the coverage on NPR. Seems like old Paul thinks he now has to sound as shrill as Sarah P. in addressing his devotees.

  16. Geminisunmars

    The important news is how much is Herman Cain(aka one S. Colbert) getting. I'm sure he's getting something. Has the msm colluded to not report Cain's results?

  17. Callyson

    This has been very amusing, but I think I'll have to switch to Suze Orman when her show comes on. Just in case any of these freaks does manage to unseat Obama in November, it will take all of the money management skills in the world just to keep a roof on my head…

    1. C_R_Eature

      Any of these awful fucksticks wins the Presidency I'm converting everything I own into a 65' LOA motor ketch filled with MRE's gold, guns & ammo and getting the fuck out of here.
      Maybe Australia. That's the last place the radiation will hit. On The Beach.

    2. MittBorg

      It's not gonna happen, darlz. These daft eejits couldn't get half of themselves on their own ballots, half the time. Whoever wins, it'll be a limping three-legged dog of a race, dragged out to the last painful second, but Barack could call this thing in. He's winning it.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      it will take all of the money management skills in the world just to keep a roof on my head.


  18. Negropolis

    Paultards are applauding for "a long, hard slog." lol Yea, grinding, destructive disappointment, yea! Four more months! Four more months!

    Oh, fuck! 41% – 26%, Newt. lol

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      A long hard schlong? That's what was delivered to the Paultards, without lube.

      They'll be back for more. It's just the way they are.

  19. Callyson

    Oh God–Paul is going on about the gold standard. Any third rate economist can recite chapter and verse on why returning to that would be a very bad idea…

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    Poor Mitt. Look what he's become. Doing his own laundry in a coin operated washing machine. How do you expect me to vote for him now, knowing that he's a busy, multi-millionaire politician and doesn't have the good sense to send his clothes out while he's on the road.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I figured that was a staged photo-op. Some aide handed him the detergent at the last minute, and told him to hold it there until the photo flashes subsided. Mitt's reading the back of the box where it says to separate whites from colored, and thinking how he didn't realize there was Southern detergent.

  21. Negropolis

    Dr. Strangelove just declared himself the Honey Badger when it comes to what the media thinks of him: he doesn't give a shit.

  22. ttommyunger

    Magic underwear or not, Mitt, those skid-marks aren't going away by themselves. Needz moar Tide, pleeze!

  23. Negropolis

    President Obama cares about you, South Carolina. This, of course, makes you history's greatest monster, Mr. President.

  24. Negropolis

    Uh oh. Santy is going all OWS on our asses. Of course, his actual policies are the antithesis of OWS's.

    EDIT: Heckler alert!

  25. C_R_Eature

    "We need to create opportunities to compete for those blue collar jobs…"

    This means we need to pay our workers what Chinese workers make, give them the same benefits Chinese workers have and the same levels of Air & Water pollution and food contamination that Chinese workers enjoy.

    Because, you know, Job Killing Regulations.

  26. MilwaukeeKent

    Newt's pulling a Sly Stone at his victory speech, he's probably backstage on the line to the White House, demanding that Obama give him a congratulatory call that he can speaker-phone to the audience before he'll take stage. They're saying "We'll make a note of that and bring it to his attention tomorrow." Particularly sleazy songs on the PA.

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