invented no-news primary day news

Tensions Low At Fake ‘Ham House’ Feud Between Romney, Gingrich

Double exposure of Newt Gingrich.Trouble was unfortunately not at all apparent early Saturday at a non-chain breakfast diner where national media could pick up some “local color” on a day when followers of political news are interested in reading new developments, but there are no new developments. Polls will not close until 7 p.m. Eastern time. What to do with the press corps during the boring lull when the southern state’s fringe-right Republican primary voters actually drive their GMC maxi-trucks four miles through the white exurbs looking for their polling place in a school builidng they’ve otherwise forgotten existed because they are all 75 years old and have probably already buried most of their own children, who succumbed to ham-biscuit diabetes? How about a manufactured “showdown at the local ham eatery,” maybe?

The AP reporter filed this forlorn thing:

GREENVILLE, S.C. (AP) — So just where was the beef?

It turns out that the great ham house standoff had no sizzle, no matter how you sliced it.

GOP presidential rivals Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich were expected to cross paths at a campaign stop in Greenville as they rallied voters on primary day. But the much-hyped Republican run-in failed to materialize after Romney showed up at Tommy’s Ham House earlier than originally planned.

We don’t want to be mean, because Allah knows following state political races is a mind-numbing exercise in slow-motion masochism, but the reporter who wrote this is probably about 30 years old (we checked her LinkedIn profile). So, her single-sentence “fun feature” lede — which is not about ham, but “beef,” which is actually made from slaughtered cows and not slaughtered hogs — references the wooden, scripted debate moment in 1984 when dullard Walter Mondale recited the catchphrase from a then-current hamburger chain’s advertisement in reply to a question about his Democratic primary opponent, Gary Hart. This reporter would’ve probably been teething, at this point in American History.

And what on Earth does this have to do with a breakfast diner named “Tommy’s Ham House” in South Carolina, today? Nothing. It was another weird American Journalist reference to an unremembered past, because that’s how reporters “on the campaign trail” did it in the 1970s.

It’s not even the about the same kind of dead animal meat product.

Anyway, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich did not go to the non-chain diner for a folksy South Carolina confederate photo op at the same time. And America was denied another scripted moment of bogus lie-crammed argument between the Mormon kleptocrat and the amoral giant baby kleptocrat who wishes he was a Mormon, so he could have all those open marriages with fifteen wives and the hippies and the free love sex.

In other words, we’ll be back this evening with coverage of the South Carolina GOP primary results! Maybe Newt will blow a gasket and explode right on the teevee! [AP]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • Barb

    Romney is busing Mormons into South Carolina: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mckaycoppins/byu-students

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Invasion Of The MorMen

      • Callyson

        Santorum is looking forward to that, and Perry regrets dropping out so soon…

    • C_R_Eature

      Mor-Locks!

    • flamingpdog

      I thought South Carolinians were kind of sensitive about the whole student bussing thingie. Bad move, Mint Rmoney!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Bishop RMONEY is losing his shit and it's showing.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Is he santoruming all over the place?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You could say he's leaking support.

    • Bluestatelibel

      Is he strapping them on top of the buses? Travel is always more efficient that way.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Till they poop all over the damn windows, that is. Then again, you just hose 'em off and continue on your merry way.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I wonder it this counts toward their mandatory missionary service. "Hey, I got a missionary position in South Carolina! Hawt!"

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        That's the only position they use.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Here's hoping they mistakenly voted in South Carolina.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Moroni carpet baggers. Something says the Palmetto tea-tards aren't going to like that.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You'd think Mittens would have considered that fact.

        • flamingpdog

          True fact: Mittens campaign has said it is NOT paying for the bus rental like the peeps on the bus said.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And you believe Mittens' campaign.

            Isn't "true" redundant, as a matter of "fact"?

          • flamingpdog

            It used to be redundant, until the advent of Fox News "facts".

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Touche, sir! Well-played, indeed.

          • SorosBot

            Maybe one of his SuperPACs with unlimited corporate donations that is totally not coordinating with his campaign is paying for it instead.

    • Negropolis

      Would there happen to be any kennels atop those buses…?

  • bikerlaureate

    "Where's the pork?" has unpleasant Beltway connotations.

    • Crank_Tango

      so does Newt's waistline…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I thought he was a Sansabelt stretch slacks in doubleknit kinda guy.

        • Crank_Tango

          I don't think you are allowed to get Calista's face near synthetic fabrics…something about voiding the warranty.

  • C_R_Eature

    What the hell!?! I didn't know that Kathryn Jean Lopez had a bedroom cam.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Yeah, that photo is just… too too too much.

      • C_R_Eature

        Alt-text (Hurl)

        • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

          ahahhaaa. gross.

          • flamingpdog

            I remember when bacon was 69 cents a pound.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Baconszgood?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Not *that* good.

          • emmelemm

            ZING!

            We still love you, Baconzgood.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Of course we do; just not enough to climb into a sty and kiss it before it's cleaned, processed, and sizzling on our plate.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Naaah…that's Newtie & Callista having sexy times!

      • C_R_Eature

        Hard for me to tell, what with the squinting & retching and all, but that just might be an Intern.

      • sunmusing

        Newtie and Christie?

        • rocktonsam

          that's actually a picture of Newton wrestling with his conscience.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            ok…that one wins the thread

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            For serious.

          • C_R_Eature

            I hereby award you the Thread-winning Gold Star medallion for the evening.

            In addition, Many Virtual Upfists.

          • Loaded_Pants

            He has a conscience? That's news to me.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            But wouldn't his conscience be tiny? Or nonexistent?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Dood … just … dood.

      • C_R_Eature

        Hey! I can't keep all my horrifying mental imagery to myself. Where's the fun in that?

        Besides, it was worth all the nausea to get to "rocktonsam" 's awe- inspiring picture of Newton wrestling with his conscience comment.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Still … Kathryn Jean Lopez … there's gotta be a law, dood.

          • C_R_Eature

            I'm sorry. last time, I promise. (Aside) You hear that , Brain! That's IT! Dammit! Go lay down. Down!

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    We need more details. Where there ham biscuits? Was Aunt Lindsey there?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Ah, the great Tommy's Ham House showdown. Romney's hamminess as he pretends to be a reg'lar Joe unemployed vs Newton's in-depth knowledge of porking.

  • mayor_quimby

    Hooray, my Saturday is complete..

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.VerminSupreme

    Damn. This could have been the 2012 equivalent of Sarah Palin at the turkey abattoir.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Somebody please wake me up on November 6. Ten more months of this crap is going to make me jab a fork in my eye.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    You mean they avoided another debate? Why oh why! I wanted to seeeeee that.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Surely the next debate will be a reasoned, intelligent, conversation of substance about the very real issues our country faces, rather than a series of hostile, childish barbs employing long debunked conservative economic theory, racist dog whistles, and thinly veiled corporate brainwashing. Right?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        *Slap* Star? Speak to me! (slaps the li'l nut again)

        C'mon, get on your feet. We can do this. Put your arm around my shoulders. We're gonna walk. C'mon, now. *slap*

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Send for the doctor! I think I have the vapors! Smelling salts! Where are the smelling salts?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Here's the fainting couch, sweetie. Just relax for a bit, and don't think about the bad, bad men.

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Of course! You know, the 124th debate is ALWAYS the best.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Best "on the campaign trail" photo of all time as Mittens and Newtie are indeed nothing if not a couple of fuck pigs.

  • SorosBot

    So Romney changed his mind about porking Gingrich? He probably was afraid of Santorum coming up from behind.

    • HistoriCat

      Can't blame Romney – I wouldn't want Santorum to come up from behind either.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm afraid Santorum's slipping.

  • ProgressiveInga

    The only words I care to hear from the amoral giant baby kleptocrat: "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"

  • C_R_Eature

    "Headlines We'd Like to See":
    Mitt Romney criticizes Industrial Pig farms at Ham House breakfast –

    "ROMNEY SLAMS HAM"

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Romney: STFU, Newt, and gimme some'a that goddamn bacon.

  • Limeylizzie

    Did Ken take a picture of me in the bathtub?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Hey LL, totally hot Tamron Hall is on msnbc right now and has what looks like some serious bed-head. She just keeps getting hotter…….

      /brb

      • Limeylizzie

        I saw her and that black dress is mighty form-fitting, I would totally do her and I am straight.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Mmmm …. that's what Halle Berry would look like, if she were of our species.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Pork porn pics prevent premature polling……….

  • littlebigdaddy

    I thought Mormons can't eat ham?

    • Terry

      They can, but it was difficult to raise pigs out in the godforsaken desert that is most of Utah. The official Church approved cookbook that all proper Mormon women use leans more heavily toward the beef.

      • Rotundo_

        Egad, a religion with an approved cookbook? For real? Lots of jello and fruit punch recipies in that one I would imagine. I have heard of church cookbooks but there is an official approved LDS cookbook? I suppose if they can spec underwear, how you fix dinner isn't much of a step.

        • Loaded_Pants

          It must read like the worst 1950s & 60s cookbooks, but without the cocktail recipes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Break out the magic frying pan, and no problem.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I think you're thinking of Seventh Day Adventists, who have some interesting dietary restrictions.

  • proudgrampa

    That picture is forcing me to reconsider my carnivorous lifestyle.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      That picture is forcing me to reconsider my sexual orientation.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Me too. And mine's a lot more complex than yours.

    • Loaded_Pants

      That picture is forcing me to reconsider everything.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        It is indeed likely to precipitate an existential crisis after even the most fleeting viewing.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Maybe it's the new goatse?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Have you never gone to a 4-H tent at a county or state fair? Pigs is sociable.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Um, you know, I love you in my own way, and I dare say you might have misunderstood me, back when, oncet, when I described myself as "sociable"?

        This was not what I had in mind, no.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          "Sociable" doesn't mean you bury your head in the other person's crotch?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            And most especially not if they're lying in a muddy sty. There's a word for this kind of fetish play. Fortunately, it escapes me at this moment.

          • Loaded_Pants

            I think it's called "Playing in the Palin Pen"?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It's in The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sexual Practices, downstairs, but I've had enough schlepping for one day. I'll look it up if I ever get around to it.

          • Loaded_Pants

            Your collection of books must be very interesting.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Trust me, it is. I'm a fucking gimp, fer Chrisake, I gotta make sure all my entertainment's fairly close at hand. So to speak.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Porkophilia?

          • snackypants

            I think this is the Herman Cain definition of "sociable."

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, gurl.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            C'mere. We gotta talk.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Rmoney Blows South Carolina As Gingrich Surges From Behind!

    My prediction/headline.
    ~

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.VerminSupreme

      Most homoerotic primary ever. Surging, coming from behind, surprising, commanding leads, and of course lots and lots of Santorum. Next thing you know the Village People will play a Gingrich rally.

      • Loaded_Pants

        That might actually bring out the closet case vote.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Are all the bussed in Mormons staying in the YMCA?

    • V572 the Merciless

      Santorum splattered everywhere…

    • Callyson

      Gingrich's Surge Blows Santorum Away

  • EatsBabyDingos

    It would have been like the Sharks versus the Jets, except with sporks and Levitra/Bud Lime cocktails. Reminds me: What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie wood. Today, we are all Natalie wood.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Here is the soundtrack to this story.

    • C_R_Eature

      Ha, Ha!

      Charade, you are.

      That's the soundtrack to the whole fucking Republican party!

    • Steverino247

      You have to be trusted
      By the people you lie to

      Nah, the R's are worshiped by the people they lie to.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Ok, they're all assholes, but please stop knocking ham biscuits!

    • ProgressiveInga

      Paula Deen, is that you?

      • C_R_Eature

        "Paula and Newtie, sittin' in a tree – K. I. S. S. I. … *BLURRRRRGGGGHHHH!!*"

    • proudgrampa

      Oh, I LOVES me some ham biscuits!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      What is a ham biscuit? I am an elitist northeast coast liberal, and know nothing of such things.

      • Biff

        I always assumed it was just an EggaMuffin, but apparently not.

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago
        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Gah!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Really? That's *it*?

          • Loaded_Pants

            I must defend the ham biscuit. If you can find a good supplier of excellent ham & know someone who can make equally excellent biscuits, it's true awesome. Most of the shit that gets passed off as "ham biscuits" in fast food chains & other restaurants is truly awful.
            Grandmother Loaded Pants made awesome ham biscuits from scratch.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I've never et a ham biscuit, but I was hoping for something more spectacular than merely sliced ham on a sliced biscuit. However, I'm perfectly willing to learn more. Would Grandmother Loaded Pants' recipe be available, perhaps?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        People from New Jersey eat those hideous pork rolls. It can't be any worse than that.

        • V572 the Merciless

          You've obviously never enjoyed a breaded pork tenderloin on a Wonder Bread hamburger bun with catsup.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Catsup is elitist! Real Americans use velveeta!

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            No. And I would have guessed I eat more pork products than is good for me … yet new ones I've never even heard of keep appearing.

          • V572 the Merciless

            Indiana and Iowa college dorm specialty many years ago. Often called “mystery meat”

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          What are these hideous New Jersey pork rolls of which you speak?

          It wasn't too long ago that my good friend Bill, who was born and raised in NJ, introduced me to what he called his "dago sandwich." Fried onions and peppers and sausage on a roll. Mmmm, mmmeaty! I am willing to learn more about hideous New Jersey pork rolls.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            The dago sandwich (never heard it called that and I'm originally from Pittsburgh where it is a very popular treat) can be delish. But pork roll is essentially Spam before there was Spam. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pork_roll

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I think Bill calls it that because he's Eye-tie-lian. Snarky sensayuma. It is delish.

            Yes, this one not so much the delish, I think. Looks like pigs' heads got ground up to make it. Ew.

  • BarackMyWorld

    You don't suppose just leaving the stupid food metaphors out of the story completely was considered as a viable writing option, do you?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      In South Carolina?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Oh, for shit's sake. Is this what Newt meant by an open marriage?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Yer sayin' Tommy's Ham House serves cow ham?!

    • flamingpdog

      Next thing you know, they'll be serving Canadian bacon!
      CSA! CSA! CSA!!!1!

  • flamingpdog

    Gingrich counted on a strong performance Saturday in South Carolina's GOP primary to catapult him back into the top tier of White House hopefuls.

    I wish someone would catapult Newt up over Fort Sumter and out into the sea with the rest of the overfed sharks.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, wut, you think those sharks would refuse to nosh on Newt out of professional courtesy?

  • owhatever

    She wants me all to herself, Calista.

  • Chichikovovich

    Ken, this is quite unfair. The young woman has really done a fine job with a challenging task. First begin with the opening:

    "So just where was the beef?"

    As you note, this came from Mondale's campaign, but you dismiss the allusion. And why is that? Because it is a cliché? True, but that is just a testament to it's rhetorical power. Apart from the electoral bloodbath that ended it, and Reagan's dopey, old, but apparently effective "youth and inexperience" joke, what else do we remember about the Mondale candidacy? That's right: "Where's the beef". It belongs with other such classic lines from unsuccessful Presidential runs, like Wendell Willkie's stirring "No man has the right to use the great powers of the Presidency to lead the people, indirectly, into war." Adlai Stevenson's rousing "Let's talk sense to the American people!" and Bob Dole's immortal “We know smoking tobacco is not good for kids, but a lot of other things aren't good. Drinking's not good. Some would say milk's not good.”

    And consider the body:

    "It turns out that the great ham house standoff had no sizzle, no matter how you sliced it.
    … But the much-hyped Republican run-in failed to materialize…"

    See how cleverly this incorporates meat-related words? "Sizzle" and "slice", invoking thoughts of the preparation of ham and other wholesome meat products, or "materialize", alluding to the well-known fact that pigs are material things rather than abstractions like numbers or dreams.

    I, for one, believe that this piece is evidence of of a future Chuck Todd in the making.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Sadly, she elected not to invoke the Wonkette Variation, suitable for Newt-n-Mitt: "Where's the queef?"

      • Chichikovovich

        I didn't know about that variation, thanx – it absolutely fits the standards of class and sophistication that Wonkette demands.

        Myself, everytime I think of watching one of those debates, I ask "Where's the spleef?"

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Bit late here, but point to you.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Let us welcome our new, barely literate overlords.

      • LetUsBray

        Meet the new, barely literate overlords. Same as the old, barely literate overlords.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Won't get fooled again?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Not me, thanks, I'll be running away at high speed.

        I just got done chewing out some ninnyhammer on another site for his egregious abuse of the English language. I'll rest and watch Ken slice for now.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Call me crazy, but I think one's use of language is indicative of one's clarity of thought.

          • Chichikovovich

            ? Really?
            OK, you're crazy.

            But concerning the second conjunct, yes I completely agree.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            You're a taxi.

        • Chichikovovich

          Good 4 u. Tho if I was you I wouldn't of even tried. For all intensive purposes its a waist of thyme, and you can not argue with them and keep your sanity in tact.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, god, stop me before I stab them with my pencil!

          • Chichikovovich

            Oh, and when I wrote "your sanity in tact", I meant (of course) to write "you're sanity in tact",

            Sorry about that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're sorry, all right. Or ought to be.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Tommy’s Ham House, in SC? I thought the place was called "Lindsay's Ham Biscuits."

    • flamingpdog

      He has another place in D.C., Lindsey's Pork Palace.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Lindsey's Lips and Assholes

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Is that the answer to "What goes together like love and marriage"?

  • flamingpdog

    OT, but they have a couple of semi-cute young chicks working at the Winconsin petition site right about now. Nice rack on gray sweater.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      It's better than an African water hole isn't it.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      This is Waaay better than listening to Fuck Toad.

      Video http://mirrors.5nines.com/stream/

      And you've got to , shudder, follow the tweets http://twitter.com/RecallCam

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Who was that Asian temptress who briefly sat next to Sleepy Sanchez?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Ken where did you find that new photo of Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman?? Now we know the true ham biscuits story.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Swine 69 does not make sexytime.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Cochonte-neuf?

  • Blueb4sunrise
    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      There's no way I'm opening a file purported to be "worse" than what I just looked at.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I did, and I couldn't tell what I was looking aaaaaAAATRRRGRRHGHH!

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Somewhere in North Carolina, maybe Virginia, I saw a restaurant named "Ribs N' Things". I wanted to stop and order a bucket of "things" to go. Whate are those things? Oh, you know, things…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        At least it wasn't called "Squat and Gobble."

        • MilwaukeeKent

          Ewww — maybe future Secret Service code names for Newt and Calista?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I feel faint.

  • HempDogbane

    Porcine open marriage looks much more interesting than Newt open marriage.

  • Extemporanus

    This is a hamfisted comment.

    • Crank_Tango

      pork libel!

      • flamingpdog

        Don't malign the swine!

      • Extemporanus

        Today, we are all ham-fisted cattle whose gooses are cooked.

        • Crank_Tango

          I, for one, am not too chicken to point out what a fowl situation this is.

          • Chichikovovich

            I regret that I took a gander at this canard.

          • Extemporanus

            You fell for it hook, line, and sinker like the cowed sheep that you are.

          • Crank_Tango

            ewe lie!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Local H Libel.

  • paris biltong

    Scary alt-text.
    Glad someone's reporting on the failure of non-events to materialize during the course of an event of marginal significance.

  • rocktonsam

    AAAAAAAAnd on this day in history ,in 1997, Newton Gingrich was reprimanded and fined as the House voted for the first time in history to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.

    Cripes, Merika

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Hey, he said he's gonna make history, and here he's already done it.*

      *This is distinct from making up history, which he does every time he opens his porcine slophole.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think I'm going to be using "porcine slophole" a great deal in the coming weeks. At least until Newton fizzles.

    • flamingpdog

      What happens in Warshington stays in Warshington.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Speaker Manteca looks like he's going to win in SC today.

      Truly amazing. This nouveau-papist serial adulterer is playing well in the Baptist heartland despite the hatchet job from his previous wife. What on earth are these Republican voters playing at? It's not so much the candidates Flip Flopneying as the electorate.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I never drive through Manteca without giving brief thanks for the wonder of a city that could have been named by Wonkette. And, of course, that just down the road you can get off the freeway at Salida.

        Speaka Manteca FTW!

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          I always get a chuckle out of Manteca, especially the ads for the RV showroom where the olds yell "MAAAAAN-TECA!"

          Vacaville is aptly named also too.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        "Nouveau-papist." Klassy term for a klassy intellectual.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Chateau Nouveau de Papist: One of my favorite red wines.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            I'll look for it at Costco.

    • bikerlaureate

      That was before he repented.

      No, wait – that was because he loves America so much, and was working too hard.

      Um…

    • Loaded_Pants

      But he's different now! He's now a good Catholic & a kind, cuddly grandfather.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        When he's not porking his current wife/most recent mistress, in his ham-handed, ham-fisted, lardy, pasty way.

  • coolhandnuke

    Swooning: A portmanteau of swine and spooning. Example; when Gingrich slumps over on Calista after she has performed her carnal duties outlined in the marital contract. See picture above.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ewe.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I imagine it's more like Calista has to climb up him the way the Fremen did with the sand worms in "Dune".

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Total winningness.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Puking: My normal reaction to anything involving the Pork Salamander.

    • SorosBot

      OK now that's killed my boner.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Calling Misstaken. Misstaken, please come to the service desk. It's an emergency.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think we know who might could fix that for y'all.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Re the recallcam: didn't we have a discussion not too long ago about the old "extra-credit-for-writing-down-all-the-numbers between 1 and a million" trick?

    These folks are planning to verify two million signatures. No wonder we see the occasional sigh.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I keep checking in, too. It's so thrilling to see all the jobs Gov. Walker created.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I hope someone's at least buying some take out for them.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I hope they're grilling brats out in the parking lot.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          That's no way to speak about the children of Teh Poorz.

  • flamingpdog

    I'm pretty sure that's Rush on the left hand side of the photo. Check out the pilonidal cyst on his ass.

  • http://www.counterpunch.org 4TheTurnstiles

    This means, of course, that NEWT FUCKING GINGRICH could be the Republican nominee. Think of this: comedy just diddled her skittle for joy. This will be hilarious.

    Of course, running against Obamar Is a Terrist, Gingrich is still projected to win Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, and some other rectangle states. America, how is your trial going?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, he can't, really, because he can't win too many states, unlike RMONEY. But he can make RMONEY's life, and the lives of the Repuglyklan power elite exceedingly uncomfortable over the next few months.

      I wonder what he's playing at.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Mittens and Ole Newt did make an appointment for dawn tomorrow at the nearest Waffle House – where real Southern gentlemen go to scuffle (and where Kid Rock had a $40,000 breakfast a few years ago).

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I'd vote for Exploding Newt just to split the Lizard People ticket.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      But will Lizard people vote for an amphibian?

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        They'd think being able to go both ways is hawt.

  • coron4

    Isn't it wonderful that a Google search delivers results for the exact phrase "ham-biscuit diabetes"?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Does it return a picture of Lindsey Graham?

    • Biff

      Surprising that Wonkette is only 3rd and 4th in the results.

  • SorosBot

    I guess Baconzgood isn't visiting on the weekend? He should be all over this.

    • Limeylizzie

      Maybe too close to home?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Cutting a little too close to the bone?

        • Limeylizzie

          He'd smoke that.

        • SorosBot

          Ouch.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    To be fair to to the republican people of South Carolina, pigs and cows look exactly alike when you're standing behind them, drunk, with your pants around your ankles.

  • Oblios_Cap

    GOP Primary. *yawn*

    Who really cares which asshole wins?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Only the assholes who are runnin', that's who.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      I totally want not-Mitt to win. For the funny.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think not-Mitt will win. RMONEY's all but crying giant oily fake tears of concession.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Another BYU student, who asked not to be named, said he traveled to South Carolina on a bus with several other Mormons and non-Mormons from Virginia, home to the small Mormon liberal arts school, Southern Virginia University. He said as far as he knew, the Romney campaign would be reimbursing the cost of the charter bus, and that volunteer coordinators suggested the out-of-towners show up at Tommy's.

    Well, I guess you just gotta have faith, brother!

  • Oblios_Cap

    UPDATE: Andrea Saul, a spokesperson for Romney, told BuzzFeed it was "not true" that the campaign would be paying for the charter bus students took to South Carolina.

    BWAHAHAHA! I knew it! What a fucking jerk.

    • Loaded_Pants

      BYU's probably paying for it, obvs.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I'm visualizing an independent donor — sort of a man on a white horse.

    • Biff

      Most likely, his superPAC that he in no way communicates or coordinates with under fear of going to the "Big House".

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      If you want confirmation, just wait for the official denial.

  • Limeylizzie

    OT Sort of but wonderful snark-filled piece on Mittens.
    http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/mitt-romney

    • Loaded_Pants

      Gotta love Charles P. Pierce.

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        Yes, Pierce is awesome.

        Chuck Toad can but look on such writing and despair.
        ~

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Hat's at least as good as Herb Cain, too.

      • Limeylizzie

        It's that great sports writer thing that just works so well with politics.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      "So butch"
      Delicious.
      Thanks.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I love the picture — it doesn't completely sell the ironic reference to the Boss, but who the fuck wants to look at Willard's ass?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Nikki Haley: "What's the gut on the ground feeling out there?"

      • Limeylizzie

        Then she said lovely things about President Obama instead of Mittens.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I've been driving wingnuts crazy all week by telling them that God is speaking through Haley and McCain (who also raved on about how President Obama was going to save the country).

          • Limeylizzie

            Good idea, MittBorg.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "What's the gut on the ground feeling out there?"

        I can't imagine you feel well at all, if your guts are on the ground. Then again, maybe that's how GOP voters do feel, when they look at the ballot.

  • chascates

    No swine left behind.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "That's our motto!!" — Republifucks

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I lol'd.

  • V572 the Merciless

    So just where was the beef? It turns out that the great ham house standoff had no sizzle, no matter how you sliced it.

    And that, my friends is the difference between a professional high-quality, J-school-trained Journalist® and some ordinary hack who might have only gotten two clichés in as many sentences.

    Suck it, William Blake:

    O Rose, thou art sick!
    The invisible Worm
    That flies in the night
    In the howling storm

    Has found out thy bed
    Of crimson joy,
    And his dark secret love
    Does thy life destroy.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      You know, I quite like Blake, but he was kinda weird.

      • V572 the Merciless

        Ol’Bill would be insulted to be considered merely “kinda” weird.

        Ah! sunflower, weary of time,
        Who countest the steps of the sun,
        Seeking after that sweet golden clime
        Where the traveler’s journey is done;

        Where the youth pined away with desire,
        And the pale virgin shrouded in snow,
        Arise from their graves and aspire;
        Where my sunflower wishes to go.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          True that.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          He was *way* ahead of his time. Especially with that *free love* thing.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

        Dark Satanic mills and all that, y'know.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        At a poetry reading at my school, I saw Allen Ginsburg sing the Tiger, tiger poem to an accompaniment of bongos, and I was propositioned on the elevator by a shitfaced Gregory Corso. My closest brush with fame. Talk about weird.

        • MilwaukeeKent

          Way OT from Tommy's Ham House, but a Corso story. After a reading at the Jazz Gallery bar in Milwaukee in the early 1980s, he bummed a cigarette from me and then asked the immediate crowd around him, "Now, who's going to get me high?". A friend we called Father Mike yanked out a half ounce of pot and waved it in the air. Corso and I told him in no uncertain terms to put it away. "Now where can we go?" said Corso. I suggested his dressing room, which turned out to be cinderblock utility closet 5 feet wide and 20 feet long. There was no way to lock the door from inside. In twos and threes people who saw us go in followed, hauling out baggies and pipes, until there were about 30 people packed in there. Corso had enough, "F*ck this! This is crazy!" and stomped out.

  • littlebigdaddy

    If those two swine are of the same sex, someone needs to tell Santorum.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      When two swine love each other very much …

      • Guppy

        This is where corn dogs come from, isn't it?

      • littlebigdaddy

        Porky has two daddies?

    • flamingpdog

      Of if its man-on-hog.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    YAY, liveblog!!!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I don't know if I can do a liveblog. I don't drink anymore, and there is no pan of brownies big enough.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I swear as god is my witness — a vaporizer.

  • ttommyunger

    "Tommy's Ham House"- No relation, in any way. I haven't been able to indulge in Ham or Biscuits in years. As Audrey Hepburn once famously said: "Growing old isn't for sissies.", and as Lindsay "Sweet-cheeks" Graham once said: "How 'bout I blow you for a Ham Biscuit?".

    • Crank_Tango

      Well, we've never seen you and Tommy's Ham House at the same place at the same time…

      • ttommyunger

        …and you never will……you never will……heh, heh.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Fox News has started their coverage…doesn't look like they have a reporter at Ron Paul's HQ, but there's one at the others. LIBRUL METEYUH BYUS!

  • chascates

    Romney campaign busing in Mormons from D.C. to make crowds in SC. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/01/21/1056991/

    • Chichikovovich

      And in a gesture of good faith, the Gingrich Campaign sends out a couple of dozen large canisters of coffee and 40 cases of Coca-cola to the Romney post-vote shindig.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    You know what's worse about that picture? It's not the Newt/Callista et al jokes. No…it the almost guaranteed fact that the hillbilly who took that picture returned to his hut to masturbate away the remainder of the day.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Blind squirrel, acorn dept.? America's least progressive state hosts all non-federal elections on the weekend. It's positively international.

    & smart of the Black Copters UN crew to insinuate itself into the US where we would least expect. I mean, South Cack? No way. But, then, he Boys in Powder Blue are smart, & know a transnationalist Bilderberger insertion into The People's Republic of Portland or Sticky Green Mountain State would be sniffed out & snuffed so easily.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Um, you're in/from Wiskey, ain'a? Where'd you get the mushrooms in midwinter? Can I haz some?

      • horsedreamer_1

        From Crying Clay Matthews Fan.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Me too. I wasn't expecting them to go out with a whimper.

  • Wadisay

    I would expect to run into these two guys someplace where they serve chickenhawk meat.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      No, someplace where they serve chickenhawk feed.

  • chascates

    "I think we're going to lose tonight, we could lose big," the aide said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But I think it's been a terrible week for Gingrich and a great week for us." http://www.buzzfeed.com/mckaycoppins/romney-aide-

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      He lost. Newt Gingrich just took SC. This is a gut punch for RMONEY.

  • C_R_Eature

    Hi, Wonketeers!

    I've come to the realization that, to truly get into the mindset of the 2012 Republican Party Primary voter, we need some Regionally-appropriate Music.

    This Evening's Theme Song

    Enjoy.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      There's no doubt that Warren won the Southern Man – Sweet Home fight even though he wasn't initially on the card.

      • C_R_Eature

        Oh, won it hands down. How in the world could you top that?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I did. Thank you. (oozes off slowly, pools by the side of the bed)

      • C_R_Eature

        Warren has that effect on people and that was a pretty Hot Set.

        Some have been known to burst into flame.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I've always loved what-all of his stuff I ever heard, but it is clear that I have not heard enough. Srsly. I keep having momentary lapses of consciousness where I just hear part of one riff from that incredible playing.

          • C_R_Eature

            Glad to hear it!
            He was a top of the line singer songwriter and what HST used to refer to as a "King-Hell" performer. Wild man, lived hard, worked hard gone too soon.

            Music is The Best, my friend. Believe it.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Charms to soothe the savage beast, and all.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Warren never got as much appreciation as he deserved because his strength was words. And he would give you just as many of them as needed to get the point across. He didn't give a lot of thought to hooks, so few of his tunes were ever big sellers, and — IMO — even his live shows (I saw a few) were not all that musically exciting.

            But his lyrics are fucking awesome.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I loved Lawyers, Guns, & Money and pretty much all of Excitable Boy, but I think I only have two albums of his on the Pod, and neither of them include that very very impressive track. That was some good guitar (not Warren's — he's great, but I just don't think he makes the list of "All-Time Great Guitar Players").

    • Blueb4sunrise

      YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Newtmentum!

  • Limeylizzie

    They just called it for Newton Leroy.

  • C_R_Eature

    Zounds! The S. C. Primary has just been called for … GINGRICH!

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Sorry, but that's MMMWWhaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      • C_R_Eature

        Duly Noted, thanks!

        Another variation (accepted) is BWAA HAHA. HAHHAHAHAHAH.

  • Limeylizzie

    Please, please Mittens give a concession speech for the ages.

    • Chichikovovich

      Let it include the phrase "You won't have Mitt Romney to kick around anymore…" That always makes concession speeches 100 times better.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        "My little dog, Checkers, up on the roof of the car…."

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

      Something that mentions blowing a 25 point lead would be ideal.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Pretty awful, huh? And he did it his own self, too.

  • Limeylizzie

    Welcome the new potential First Lady, a hatchet-faced giver of hummers to a married man, elegance personified.

    • C_R_Eature

      Think of the appalling Acts the putative First Lady will be force d to preform tonight.

      In addition to Smiling, Waving, Speaking Happy Words at the Podium, etc.

      • Limeylizzie

        Suckling pig.

      • Chichikovovich

        Fortunately for the Mars Attacks Lady, one thing Newt loves more than bj's is talking about himself. With the number of cameras and microphones around him in that ballroom, he may not stop talking for days. (No doubt he has evolved a mechanism for breathing through the skin so as not to interrupt the flow of – um – eloquence. Or effluvium, I always get those mixed up.)

        I have a feeling Callista's sleep tonight will be solitary and undisturbed.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Michele O. has more class in her little finger.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Somewhere, I've seen a photo of the First Salamanderic Spouse-to-be when she was but a wee intern, and she actually looked like a regular person. This supports my theory that she has engaged in this plastic-encapsulation campaign in order to conceal herself from those that may have known her before.

  • chascates

    Drudge Siren:
    IT'S NEWT!

    Hede leads to a 5:35 pm article talking about the Romney-Gingrich face-off that ends in an hour. But maybe Matt is providing the answer to another question.

  • under_score

    Damn! Did they call it at 7:00:00.001?

  • chascates

    CNN: Exit polls show Newt Gingrich leading Mitt Romney, 38% to 29% among voters who spoke with network exit poll interviewers.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Beeblebrox

    Hahahahahahahahaha! Who would have thought in the height of the Clinton Administration and all the Republican-caused misery that fucking Newt would be a serious contender for the Presidency? This is fucking comedy gold.

  • chascates

    Jesus, MSN calls it with '0% in':
    http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/21/1

    • flamingpdog

      Could be World's Shortest Wonkette Liveblog.

  • flamingpdog

    I decided earlier this afternoon that if Mittens won, the only thing I could do was DRINK! And if the Neuter won, the only appropriate response would be to DRINK!!

    It's wine-wine situation.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      You and I both, sir or madam. It's the only thing which makes this shitfest palatable.

    • Crank_Tango

      blood of christ libel!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, pdog!

  • C_R_Eature

    Rince Priebus in sucking on a Jameson's bottle in his office right now, wimpering and fondling his Blankie.

    His wife is surreptitiously unloading the S&W 686.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Another Saturday Nite… Ain't got nobody. Go some money 'cause my SuperPAC check just cleared….

  • chascates

    Hell, it took over a week for Iowa to claim Santorum won. South Carolinians decide things in a second. Whether that's choosing a political candidate or to secede from the Union.

    • Steverino247

      Act in haste, repeat at leisure.

      Assuming you're smart enough to figure out you fucked up, that is.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Thanks confederate Fucktards!

    Next up, elderly swamp people, Keep Up the Good Work!12

  • rocktonsam

    Who cuts Megyn Kelly's hair? She looks goofy.

    Marc Sanford, nice touch FOX NEWZ

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Who better in S.C. to add insight?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        They're working on the principle of "it takes a thief to catch a thief." You know. Takes an adulterer to know an adulterer.

  • chascates

    HuffPo reports:
    Newt Gingrich, the night's big winner, will appear on "Face The Nation" (CBS) and "Meet The Press," (NBC) while Mitt Romney will be on "Fox News Sunday" at 9 a.m.
    Rick Santorum was not among the state's top finishers, but will have a full morning that includes interviews on ABC's "This Week" and CNN's "State of the Union."

    Man, Jason Linkins is going to have a busy morning.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Shit, how's Herman Cain doing? I want to know the Colbert numbers, CNN!

  • SorosBot

    I'm so sad that I don't have cable to watch the 24 hour news networks' breathless coverage of the SC results.

    Oh wait, aside from Maddow and O'Donnel they are all shit; no I'm not. Instead I'm watching coverage on France 24, which for some reason I get on my digital antenna and manages to destroy any news produced in the United States.

  • chascates

    @ newtgingrich : Thank you South Carolina! Help me deliver the knockout punch in Florida. Join our Moneybomb and donate now. <a href="http://t.co/oaJ6r4GN” target=”_blank”>http://t.co/oaJ6r4GN

    Link goes to a site that will gladly take your money though not, sadly, via PayPal.

  • Steverino247

    Ken Layne called it: The Pig wins!

    • C_R_Eature

      Ken Layne: The Psychic Octopus Paul of the 2012 Republican Primary!

  • chascates

    Associated Press:
    "I don't care who is doing the speech – the more the merrier. People are not stupid. If they don't like it, they'll shut it off." – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, defending a 2010 court decision that led to the rise of Super PACs and a deluge of political ads on TV.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      It's good I don't live on the East Coast.

  • Steverino247

    It think it is now safe to pull this one out of the bag:

    And Ron Paul remained flat.

  • fuflans

    you know, i really like pigs – and i mean as animals. and i do not eat them.

    i think this is all very unfair and as i said earlier, newt more resembles larvae IMO.

  • DahBoner

    Did anyone order the Moon over My Hammy?

  • MosesInvests

    Looking at that pic makes me very glad I keep kosher. Gah.