gross gross gross

Wingnuts ‘Uniting Behind Santorum,’ Obviously

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These things really write themselves.What are the Christian wingnut conservative Republicans doing about 2012 now? Uniting behind Santorum, of course! Because when you’re stuck with a slate of candidates including a liberal billionaire foreigner who loves the wrong Jesus and a repulsive kidney-shaped punching bag who is so venal and amoral he makes Bill Clinton look like a family man, what are you going to do, support the principled libertarian Texan family man with three decades of campaign success? No, of course not. You’re going to support the corrupt airhead dipshit who believes abortions are okay for his wife but a FELONY for everyone else in America. Rick Santorum, truly the conservative wingnut base is uniting behind you!

How much do GOP primary voters hate themselves, these days? A lot, we bet! Now that their front-runner can’t even claim an Iowa victory and the “oh I guess we’ll support him” sleazeball Newt has again exploded in a frothy ejaculate of Tiffany whore diamonds and bile, full-time loser Rick Santorum is getting another round of desperate attention.

We just want to remind everyone, again, that beyond all the Santorum fecal spooge jokes and his creepy/convenient abortion policies and his stupid sweater vest and his insane obsession with gay men having gay sex, Rick Santorum was a two-term senator who got his frothy ass handed to him in 2006 and hasn’t won anything but scorn since that day — he can’t even claim a real Iowa victory, because who knows where the votes from those eight missing precincts went, maybe Romney’s god is God after all, right? Maybe Ron Paul won, in space. Maybe, in this idiotic alternate universe, Rick Perry’s endorsement of Gingrich means something.

HAHAHA, and in the time it took to prepare this frothy little post, the ConservativeHQ.com website realized they handed us a very easy joke, and have now corrected the headline to something less obviously homosexual.
Santorum is never going to be president of anything, except the gay sex resort he operates 24/7 in his fevered, shrunken brain.

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Comments

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  • stopthemovie

    Hope there gonna give him a reach around too.

  • MrFizzy

    NASDAQ report: Dweebinsweater.com just went up 150%.

  • Barb

    The wingnuts are hoping for a cum from behind win with Santorum, as if there is any other kind.

    • bagofmice

      By definition.

  • bumfug

    These are people who believe that humans frolicked with dinosaurs – guys who think The Flintstones is a documentary aren't going to make wise decisions about anything.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So when Herman Cain outpolls Santorum in South Carolina, will Teabaggers be completely confused?

    • LetUsBray

      They usually are; they just don't realize it.

    • Banelm

      Sadly, No!

  • GuanoFaucet

    Well, Christofascists have been frothing at the mouth for a true conservative candidate.

    • Mahousu

      There's their problem – wrong orifice.

    • Negropolis

      If they've been frothing at the mouth, their doing it wrong.

  • prommie

    Blingie Win!

    • widestanceshakedown

      Here, here. I could leave my favorite Pelosi/demon Blingee with cancer for this one.

  • Mahousu

    I wouldn't want to be behind Santorum, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want him behind me.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You summed it up. Nobody wants santorum around. Anywhere.

  • EdFlintstone

    This should give his campaign a nice money shot.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if Jesus wasn't such an ass, he would just materialize and run for the GOP nomination.

    • PubOption

      And be denounced as a communist hippie.

      • GOPCrusher

        Turning the water into wine? Feeding the multitudes with a couple of fish and a loaf of bread?
        Obviously a communist hippie.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          It's the free health care for the sick and dying that will lose him the nom.

          • Negropolis

            Can you imagine, though, Jesus on the cross? They'd all be demanding "let him die! Let him die!"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You know it. If they didn't actually drag the poor guy off the cross and put paid to him with their own hands. I worry so much about President O when he's out there talking to the people. These people are so crazy and filled with hate. And I remember what they have done to every one of our leaders who tried to climb out of that crab bucket.

          • LesBontemps

            You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I shall never forget Gene Wilder's pitch-perfect delivery in that movie. It's my favourite film. I watch it once or twice a year, just to keep the blues away. (Hugs LesBontemps) Thanks. I needed to stop thinking those ugly thoughts.

    • flamingpdog

      This time around, they'd nail him to a burning cross.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        On the White House lawn.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Are you fucking kidding me, they'd *crucify* him.

      • C_R_Eature

        Naaah…we're way more civilized these days! We "Dissapear" our inconvenient political dissidents to Unofficial Foreign secure holding facilities where they are subjected to Torture Enhanced Interrogation in perpetuity until they hang themselves.

        Fixed.

    • horsedreamer_1

      If God were one of us… He wouldn't be a Republican.

      • SorosBot

        If god were one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Public transit? Socialism.

          Also: Cuts into the profits of autodealers & road builders.

    • Schmegeg

      Seriously: "Blessed be the Peacemakers." and his numbers go off a cliff.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Heh heh… he said "behind Santorum."

  • rickmaci

    Santoribble will need to push extra hard during the next 24 hours if he is going to come from behind.

    • Nothingisamiss

      If this push lasts any longer he'll need to seek treatment.

  • edgydrifter

    Yea, verily, the men of good conscience did get to the rear of Santorum on that day, for greatly did he surge and their cups runneth over.

    • bagofmice

      I think that could describe the current slate of mormon/non-mormon candidates. 2 Jesus's, one cup.

    • MosesInvests

      Creamcups?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, given the corruption and love of unusual sexual practices that is a foundation of the modern Right-Wing Christian movement, you would think they would love Newt, except for him being a Papist now.

    • emmelemm

      Santorum also Papist, n'est-ce pas?

      • Negropolis

        Yep, two Catholics, a Mormon, and a Loonist. Suck on that, Republicans. Where is your WASPy god, now?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Little Ricky oozes from behind in S.C.!
    ~

  • meatlofer

    What a fuckin lipless little fuckweed he is! I am NOT going to let him ruin my weekend!

  • widestanceshakedown

    If you're uniting behind santorum, you're doing it wrong.

    • Not_So_Much

      2 Girls, 1 Sweatervest?

      • bagofmice

        2 puppies, one sweater?

  • MissTaken

    Even my work husband's sweater vest can't distract me from that flexing ass.

    • widestanceshakedown

      It is rather distracting, isn't it?

    • SorosBot

      Work husband? OK you're making me feel jealous now.

      • MissTaken

        Remember, he's a "husband", therefore the thought of having sex with him is repulsive. And the sweater vest doesn't help.

        • Not_So_Much

          Does that mean wonketeers are your 'work eye-candy'?

        • SorosBot

          Oh yes, I had momentarily forgotten about that; and I'm just kidding.

          • MissTaken

            Dang, I thought it was kinda cute when you got jealous.

          • SorosBot

            Well then, forget I said that; I am very jealous!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You two, get a … oh, wait, you are.

          Never mind.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I didn't notice that at first. I was distracted by the finger action of the two figures on the left. But now it's just…flexing butt, flexing butt, flexing butt.

      Glad I'm not at work.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        The finger action is a popular East Asian game, known in Korea, for example, as dong chim. I forget what it's called in Japan. Yow!

        Yeah, that's some butt there.

        Teleloafing, dear?

        • Loaded_Pants

          Wonkette: always edumacational.

          Yes, I'm loaferin'.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            ZOMG, LERVE the new av and tag! LERVE!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    And, verily, did the Evangelicals say unto Santorum, "Let us spray".

    • widestanceshakedown

      gather ye facial to bear witness

  • SorosBot

    Is there a human being with a stick farther up their asses than Rick Santorum? Because I don't think there is.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Shouldn't this comment be : "You know who ELSE has a stick farther up their ass than Rick Santorum?"

      • flamingpdog

        Joe Friday?

      • GOPCrusher

        Dean Vernon Wormer?

      • Chichikovovich

        Punch and Judy?

      • flamingpdog

        flagpole sitters?

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Harvey Danger Libel!

          • horsedreamer_1

            The Tea Party is evidence that only stupid people are breeding, though.

  • fuflans

    well, i see the blingee brand is expanding their subject matter.

    as it were.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Little Dickie Viguerie got some santorum on his britches.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Once they get a clue they will be uniting in front of him. Behind Santorum just isn't a good place to be.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You don't want Santorum behind you, either.

  • Neoyorquino

    Everybody's jumping into the Santorum pool!

  • C_R_Eature

    Is it me, or are the Wonkette Blingees getting more suggestive/disturbing/obscene?
    Is it just an artifact of this hilariously disturbing Gingrich + Santorum news cycle?

    I like it.

  • Callyson

    No matter how hard he tries, Newt just can't clean up the Santorum.

    • reliefsinn

      If Gingrich wins easily but Santorum comes in second: Gingrich skates over Santorum.
      If Santorum wins big: Santorum explodes in SC;
      If Santorum comes in second in a close race: Santorum squeezes by Romney, is cheek-to-cheek with Gingrich;
      If Santorum has a poor showing: Gingrich, Romney, Paul crush bottom dweller Santorum; etc.

  • Nostrildamus

    Behind Santorum

    Is there any other kind?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Any truth that Ted Haggard was behind this endorsement? Or was he on top of it?

    • flamingpdog

      He supplied the method to this madness. And the lube.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm pretty sure I see what you did there.

    • Negropolis

      He was on the bottom of it, of course.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The group of conservative leaders named today includes Dr. James Dobson, Gary Bauer, Joseph Farah, Foster Friess, Elaine Donnelly, and many others representing all four segments of the new conservative coalition who are coalescing behind Rick Santorum’s candidacy.

    This is one of those rare cases of the assholes coming to Santorum. But then it's been a topsy-turvy world for a while.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Uniting behind Santorum.
    Translation:
    I mopped up the mess and it is now in a bucket.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It's now in a bucket, coalescing.

  • Tundra Grifter

    If you knew Rick Santorum in grade school you just have to punch him.

    I mean, the urge would simply be overpowering.

    As I look back on my time there, I sincerely regret being such a jerk to a couple of kids who really didn't deserve it. It was a cruel, cruel thing to have done.

    However, had I had the opportunity to rub little Ricky's face into the playground dirt, today that wouldn't bother me one bit.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    GOP ballot:
    Incompetent loonie tune No.1
    Incompetent loonie tune No.2
    Incompetent loonie tune No 3
    Incompetent loonie tune No 4 – (that one, that one!)

    yougetthepicture…

    • Rotundo_

      Or:
      #1 Rich guy in funny underwear trying to buy the election
      #2 Hack politician on wife 3 who was his mistress when he was married to the mistress who he married after wife 1.
      #3 Smarmy asshole fixated on gay sex and abortion
      #4 Senile old codger still masturbating while reading Ayn Rand books

      • Loaded_Pants

        Well, the image of #4 has cured me of scrolling back up to watch the flexing butt.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Better go up and stare at the flexing butt for a few minutes just to get the image of the senile old codger out of your brain.

    • ph7

      Reminds me a spring break for horny college students who, despite their dreams of banging a supermodel or stud, end up enduring a week of disappointing hookups with people no more attractive than themselves, because, well, they were available and equally willing, and at the end of the day, someone's lever had to be pulled.

  • taylormattd

    "principled libertarian Texan family man with three decades of campaign success?" And who, exactly, would that be? The racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit that is apparently all the rage among the dumbshits on the left blogs?

    • CrazyDaysAgain

      Was starting to think I was the only person who noticed the Paultardian bent of this post. Not to mention casual misogyny and homophobia! Hooray, terrifically awful new Wonkette Jr.!

      • DarwinianDemon

        Remember when Layne suggested we vote for Ron Paul because government is awful so we may as well crash it? Paulness sneaks in here from time to time.

    • Chichikovovich

      Maybe Wonkette Jr. is suggesting people vote for Kinky Friedman as a write-in.

    • Guppy

      He may be a racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit, but he is consistently a racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit. You can't say that about any of the other candidates.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You can't?

        • Guppy

          Ron Paul consistently hates government more than any of those other things (e. g. hates Muslims while opposing the DoD, etc.). The other candidates love themselves some big government when it's doing things they agree with.

          Romney hates socialized healthcare, like they have in Massachusetts.

          Gingrich wants to save the sanctity of marriage from… himself?

          Santorum is the Cafeteria Catholic candidate, opposed to contraception but mum on capital punishment and unjust war.

          • DarwinianDemon

            No, Ron Paul hates FEDERAL government. He *wants* states to stop choice and equality in marriage.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Nice turnabout on Cafeteria Catholic. Usually, people like Tweety use it to demean pro-choicers who want to close Gitmo.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'd really like to see Mitt and Rick go at it head to head.

    So to speak.

    • Guppy

      Eiffel Tower?

      • sunmusing

        double "Dutch Rudder".

  • Generation[redacted]

    Conservative leaders are getting behind Santorum. The rest of America is getting it without lube.

  • ChernobylSoup

    You have to wonder how much his politics are influenced by the fact that his wife was a slut before they met.

    • ttommyunger

      Once a slut, always a slut, thankfully.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Needz moar poppers!!1!

    Thanx and a hat tip to Bryan J Fischer and his obsession with teh ghays.
    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/fischer-pop

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Haha, genius, that's from today!

      How on earth is this country a superpower when people like Fischer have any kind of public voice? It baffles me, it truly does.

      edit: wait, God's design is one sexual partner for life? How did you work that out, Fischy? Sounds like being a gayer is much more fun if the average number of partners is in the hundreds. If it were only a choice.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        To be fair, we are a declining superpower.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It *is* a choice. Any RWNJ will tell you so. Of course, if you ask them to "choose" to be gay long enough to suck your cock, they get all mad and stuff,but hey.

      • HistoriCat

        "one sexual partner for life" … I'm no biblical scholar here but I bet there are one or two examples of people who had at least a couple sexual partners happening around the same time.

  • fuflans

    so gingrich surges while everyone gets behind santorum?

    are these things even possible simultaneously?

  • PubOption

    The headline may have changed to something less homosexual, but the reference to Manassas remains!

    • flamingpdog

      Manassas good as dogass?

    • Chichikovovich

      Manassas, or as we call it in the north, Man on Bull Run.

    • Negropolis

      Virginia is for Lovers libel!

  • TeaNuts

    Christian wingnut conservative Republicans, they are the gift that just keeps on giving.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yep. Though I don't think that when the author of Acts of the Apostles wrote of the "gift of the Holy Spirit" (2:38) he was talking about this crowd.

      "Mean-Spirited Practical Joke of the Holy Spirit", perhaps.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Giving *what,* you'd better not say, I suppose.

  • Chichikovovich

    he makes Bill Clinton look like a family man

    Bill Clinton had many, many flaws and weaknesses. He has done many things, committed many betrayals, that have deeply hurt the people closest to him. But unlike Newt, he and his wife have stayed together and have managed to forge a relationship which is hard for many people to understand (including me, I must say) but which does seem to be held together with genuine affection, respect and support. He has been, to all appearances, a loving, supportive and devoted father to Chelsea, despite the pain his high-profile infidelities may have brought her, and she appears to have grown into a poised and confident adult.

    So, yes, child-support dodging, multiply-married Gingrich, the annulment of whose first marriage makes his children illegitimate in the eyes of the Holy Church, makes Bill Clinton look like a family man. Because for all of his other flaws, Bill Clinton is a family man.

    • horsedreamer_1

      To use another Dan Savage neologism, Ol' Bill is monogamish.

      (Though, I do think the idea of being monogamish has a few holes.)

      • Loaded_Pants

        *giggle*

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (pokes Loaded_Pants)

  • DahBoner

    This is where I always come for Breaking News involving God & Santorum…

  • Wonderthing

    Santorum wins the nom? We're never gonna be that lucky.

  • Radiotherapy

    Remember the good old days when we just had gerbils for buttsechs imagery?

  • SorosBot

    Ana and both Sara[h]s were always good Wonk eye-candy; don't know about any of the current editors, and I'm not a good judge for the male contributors.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Try, hon. I can help.

    • MissTaken

      Always thought Jim Newell was a cutie, but I am partial to gingers.

      • SorosBot

        OK I'm blushing again.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Are you a redhead, sweetie? I'm sorry, I'm being an insufferable tease, but you two are just too cute for words.

          • SorosBot

            Yes, i am and have always bean a redhead.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    I see whoever made the blingee knows about the role that dong chim might play in the formation of santorum.

    • flamingpdog

      dong chimp = hot monkey sex?

      • Guppy

        It's Korean for "sexual battery by a minor."

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Let me rephrase that: DONG CHIM!

        Can you hear me now?

        • HistoriCat

          Wow … that's just … wow …

  • flamingpdog

    Viguerie! Viguerie! Yaaaaaaaay, TEAM!!!

  • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

    What terrible way to end the week. Fuck Santorum. This shit is beyond snark.

    • Chichikovovich

      And the lube is beyond snark too.

  • Goonemeritus

    I find it adorable how the fundamentalist Christen wing of the Republican Party still thinks they get to sit at the big boy table. The Party will mouth your stupid talking points and then spend all their time doing what large corporations and trust fund babies want. For all intensive purposes your whole voting block is the equivalent of a liberal putting a China out of Tibet bumper sticker on their Subaru.

    • Loaded_Pants

      You watched 30 Rock last night, too?

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        Next to a COEXIST sticker, of course.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I refuse to do the bumper sticker thing, but I did manage to scrape off a Subaru logo and put it on the back of my GMC Sierra. It helps not being able to see cars that small when I'm backing up.

  • biblioteq_tress

    What's so bad about this? When Christians unite, they feed the poor, shelter the weak, practice tolerance, give the meek the earth…kidding HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we're fucked.

  • LetUsBray

    A santorum wave is sweeping the religious reich!

  • horsedreamer_1

    The 2012 GOP primary campaign is a game of musical chairs, set to Erasure.

  • Extemporanus

    The tiny animated "Iced Tea Shocker" ad was an inspired touch, Junior.

    [ADDING: Manassas, Virginia?! "Man Asses, Virgina"?! BWAHAHAHA!!]

  • Limeylizzie

    Oh I just noticed the flexing bottom. so to speak, that is a work of genius.

  • owhatever

    A vote for Colbert is a vote for sanity.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I shall be re-registering as a Republitard in NJ just so I can cast my vote for the worst of the worst. But frankly, they're indistinguishable!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Obviously the eight precincts' ballots were raptured.

  • RebelCountess

    Thank G-d, somebody FINALLY mentioned Mrs. Santorum's abortion, and a late term one at that. Faced with life threatening complications from a pregnancy (if they'd used contraception to limit her pregnancies or at least space them properly, she may not have gotten quite so sick), they did the right thing.

    They decided to "induce labor" and get that dangerous little fetus out of there before he killed his mother. Personally, I think killing the fetus in utero before inducing labor would have been more humane than having him expelled only to die later, but Catholics lose their reason when faced with reality of human reproduction.

  • DarwinianDemon

    The conservochristians can't make heads or tails out of the "principled" candidate's "The government should stay out of your business" and "unless it's your LADY business!" stands any more than anyone else.

  • DarwinianDemon

    If Ron Paul was principled, he would stand behind his newsletters and defend them as he did in the 90s. Instead he tries to weasel his way out of it with a ridiculous excuse nobody but the staunchest Paul supporters believe.

  • Redhead

    I was just behind a car with a "Palin * 2012" bumper sticker. I know she's not technically running, and the sticker didn't whether they were supporting her for president, highest-paid Faux News bobble-head or quitter of the year in 2012, but it's not like anything else in this primary has made any sense.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Bloody woman has a TV studio in her fucking house. I think that tells you all you need to know.

      In an anecdotal aside, I followed some car into Safeway with a Mitt Romney license plate holder ("Romney 2012 / end the nightmare" or similar), which was also sporting a World Net Daily bumper sticker. One of these fuckers who does a left turn on a green with no filter and then promptly stands on the anchors as soon as they're in the parking lot, blocking everyone else from making the turn. Anyway, followed the cunt into the lot and kept an eye because he'd annoyed me. Idiot pulls into a space and dings the car next to him as he does it. Wouldn't you know it? Cranky old white guy.

      I'm still not sure if he's the same guy that was screaming at the cashier on a different occasion because she had the temerity to call him "darling" during his transaction. All these cranky old white guys look the same to me.

  • DahBoner

    HE'S DARK-SIDED, TOO!!!!

  • ttommyunger

    A "President Santorum" (grabs stomach and dry heaves) would make George W. Bush look like someone who had bat-sense. I know, the mind boggles.

  • WiscDad

    They're uniting behind him to produce mass quantities of santorum that they will sell as a facial mask…or is that fecal mass