Wingnuts ‘Uniting Behind Santorum,’ Obviously

  gross gross gross

These things really write themselves.What are the Christian wingnut conservative Republicans doing about 2012 now? Uniting behind Santorum, of course! Because when you’re stuck with a slate of candidates including a liberal billionaire foreigner who loves the wrong Jesus and a repulsive kidney-shaped punching bag who is so venal and amoral he makes Bill Clinton look like a family man, what are you going to do, support the principled libertarian Texan family man with three decades of campaign success? No, of course not. You’re going to support the corrupt airhead dipshit who believes abortions are okay for his wife but a FELONY for everyone else in America. Rick Santorum, truly the conservative wingnut base is uniting behind you!

How much do GOP primary voters hate themselves, these days? A lot, we bet! Now that their front-runner can’t even claim an Iowa victory and the “oh I guess we’ll support him” sleazeball Newt has again exploded in a frothy ejaculate of Tiffany whore diamonds and bile, full-time loser Rick Santorum is getting another round of desperate attention.

We just want to remind everyone, again, that beyond all the Santorum fecal spooge jokes and his creepy/convenient abortion policies and his stupid sweater vest and his insane obsession with gay men having gay sex, Rick Santorum was a two-term senator who got his frothy ass handed to him in 2006 and hasn’t won anything but scorn since that day — he can’t even claim a real Iowa victory, because who knows where the votes from those eight missing precincts went, maybe Romney’s god is God after all, right? Maybe Ron Paul won, in space. Maybe, in this idiotic alternate universe, Rick Perry’s endorsement of Gingrich means something.

HAHAHA, and in the time it took to prepare this frothy little post, the ConservativeHQ.com website realized they handed us a very easy joke, and have now corrected the headline to something less obviously homosexual.
Santorum is never going to be president of anything, except the gay sex resort he operates 24/7 in his fevered, shrunken brain.

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160 comments

  1. bumfug

    These are people who believe that humans frolicked with dinosaurs – guys who think The Flintstones is a documentary aren't going to make wise decisions about anything.

  2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if Jesus wasn't such an ass, he would just materialize and run for the GOP nomination.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Turning the water into wine? Feeding the multitudes with a couple of fish and a loaf of bread?
        Obviously a communist hippie.

          1. MittBorg

            You know it. If they didn't actually drag the poor guy off the cross and put paid to him with their own hands. I worry so much about President O when he's out there talking to the people. These people are so crazy and filled with hate. And I remember what they have done to every one of our leaders who tried to climb out of that crab bucket.

          2. LesBontemps

            You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

          3. MittBorg

            I shall never forget Gene Wilder's pitch-perfect delivery in that movie. It's my favourite film. I watch it once or twice a year, just to keep the blues away. (Hugs LesBontemps) Thanks. I needed to stop thinking those ugly thoughts.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Naaah…we're way more civilized these days! We "Dissapear" our inconvenient political dissidents to Unofficial Foreign secure holding facilities where they are subjected to Torture Enhanced Interrogation in perpetuity until they hang themselves.

        Fixed.

  3. rickmaci

    Santoribble will need to push extra hard during the next 24 hours if he is going to come from behind.

  4. edgydrifter

    Yea, verily, the men of good conscience did get to the rear of Santorum on that day, for greatly did he surge and their cups runneth over.

    1. bagofmice

      I think that could describe the current slate of mormon/non-mormon candidates. 2 Jesus's, one cup.

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Actually, given the corruption and love of unusual sexual practices that is a foundation of the modern Right-Wing Christian movement, you would think they would love Newt, except for him being a Papist now.

      1. Negropolis

        Yep, two Catholics, a Mormon, and a Loonist. Suck on that, Republicans. Where is your WASPy god, now?

      1. MissTaken

        Remember, he's a "husband", therefore the thought of having sex with him is repulsive. And the sweater vest doesn't help.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I didn't notice that at first. I was distracted by the finger action of the two figures on the left. But now it's just…flexing butt, flexing butt, flexing butt.

      Glad I'm not at work.

      1. MittBorg

        The finger action is a popular East Asian game, known in Korea, for example, as dong chim. I forget what it's called in Japan. Yow!

        Yeah, that's some butt there.

        Teleloafing, dear?

  6. SorosBot

    Is there a human being with a stick farther up their asses than Rick Santorum? Because I don't think there is.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Shouldn't this comment be : "You know who ELSE has a stick farther up their ass than Rick Santorum?"

  7. Tundra Grifter

    Once they get a clue they will be uniting in front of him. Behind Santorum just isn't a good place to be.

  8. C_R_Eature

    Is it me, or are the Wonkette Blingees getting more suggestive/disturbing/obscene?
    Is it just an artifact of this hilariously disturbing Gingrich + Santorum news cycle?

    I like it.

    1. reliefsinn

      If Gingrich wins easily but Santorum comes in second: Gingrich skates over Santorum.
      If Santorum wins big: Santorum explodes in SC;
      If Santorum comes in second in a close race: Santorum squeezes by Romney, is cheek-to-cheek with Gingrich;
      If Santorum has a poor showing: Gingrich, Romney, Paul crush bottom dweller Santorum; etc.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    The group of conservative leaders named today includes Dr. James Dobson, Gary Bauer, Joseph Farah, Foster Friess, Elaine Donnelly, and many others representing all four segments of the new conservative coalition who are coalescing behind Rick Santorum’s candidacy.

    This is one of those rare cases of the assholes coming to Santorum. But then it's been a topsy-turvy world for a while.

  10. Tundra Grifter

    If you knew Rick Santorum in grade school you just have to punch him.

    I mean, the urge would simply be overpowering.

    As I look back on my time there, I sincerely regret being such a jerk to a couple of kids who really didn't deserve it. It was a cruel, cruel thing to have done.

    However, had I had the opportunity to rub little Ricky's face into the playground dirt, today that wouldn't bother me one bit.

  11. MaxNeanderthal

    GOP ballot:
    Incompetent loonie tune No.1
    Incompetent loonie tune No.2
    Incompetent loonie tune No 3
    Incompetent loonie tune No 4 – (that one, that one!)

    yougetthepicture…

    1. Rotundo_

      Or:
      #1 Rich guy in funny underwear trying to buy the election
      #2 Hack politician on wife 3 who was his mistress when he was married to the mistress who he married after wife 1.
      #3 Smarmy asshole fixated on gay sex and abortion
      #4 Senile old codger still masturbating while reading Ayn Rand books

    2. ph7

      Reminds me a spring break for horny college students who, despite their dreams of banging a supermodel or stud, end up enduring a week of disappointing hookups with people no more attractive than themselves, because, well, they were available and equally willing, and at the end of the day, someone's lever had to be pulled.

  12. taylormattd

    "principled libertarian Texan family man with three decades of campaign success?" And who, exactly, would that be? The racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit that is apparently all the rage among the dumbshits on the left blogs?

    1. CrazyDaysAgain

      Was starting to think I was the only person who noticed the Paultardian bent of this post. Not to mention casual misogyny and homophobia! Hooray, terrifically awful new Wonkette Jr.!

      1. DarwinianDemon

        Remember when Layne suggested we vote for Ron Paul because government is awful so we may as well crash it? Paulness sneaks in here from time to time.

    2. Guppy

      He may be a racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit, but he is consistently a racist, homophobic, misogynist piece of shit. You can't say that about any of the other candidates.

        1. Guppy

          Ron Paul consistently hates government more than any of those other things (e. g. hates Muslims while opposing the DoD, etc.). The other candidates love themselves some big government when it's doing things they agree with.

          Romney hates socialized healthcare, like they have in Massachusetts.

          Gingrich wants to save the sanctity of marriage from… himself?

          Santorum is the Cafeteria Catholic candidate, opposed to contraception but mum on capital punishment and unjust war.

          1. DarwinianDemon

            No, Ron Paul hates FEDERAL government. He *wants* states to stop choice and equality in marriage.

          2. horsedreamer_1

            Nice turnabout on Cafeteria Catholic. Usually, people like Tweety use it to demean pro-choicers who want to close Gitmo.

  13. Generation[redacted]

    Conservative leaders are getting behind Santorum. The rest of America is getting it without lube.

  14. ChernobylSoup

    You have to wonder how much his politics are influenced by the fact that his wife was a slut before they met.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Haha, genius, that's from today!

      How on earth is this country a superpower when people like Fischer have any kind of public voice? It baffles me, it truly does.

      edit: wait, God's design is one sexual partner for life? How did you work that out, Fischy? Sounds like being a gayer is much more fun if the average number of partners is in the hundreds. If it were only a choice.

      1. MittBorg

        It *is* a choice. Any RWNJ will tell you so. Of course, if you ask them to "choose" to be gay long enough to suck your cock, they get all mad and stuff,but hey.

      2. HistoriCat

        "one sexual partner for life" … I'm no biblical scholar here but I bet there are one or two examples of people who had at least a couple sexual partners happening around the same time.

  15. fuflans

    so gingrich surges while everyone gets behind santorum?

    are these things even possible simultaneously?

  16. PubOption

    The headline may have changed to something less homosexual, but the reference to Manassas remains!

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yep. Though I don't think that when the author of Acts of the Apostles wrote of the "gift of the Holy Spirit" (2:38) he was talking about this crowd.

      "Mean-Spirited Practical Joke of the Holy Spirit", perhaps.

  17. Chichikovovich

    he makes Bill Clinton look like a family man

    Bill Clinton had many, many flaws and weaknesses. He has done many things, committed many betrayals, that have deeply hurt the people closest to him. But unlike Newt, he and his wife have stayed together and have managed to forge a relationship which is hard for many people to understand (including me, I must say) but which does seem to be held together with genuine affection, respect and support. He has been, to all appearances, a loving, supportive and devoted father to Chelsea, despite the pain his high-profile infidelities may have brought her, and she appears to have grown into a poised and confident adult.

    So, yes, child-support dodging, multiply-married Gingrich, the annulment of whose first marriage makes his children illegitimate in the eyes of the Holy Church, makes Bill Clinton look like a family man. Because for all of his other flaws, Bill Clinton is a family man.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      To use another Dan Savage neologism, Ol' Bill is monogamish.

      (Though, I do think the idea of being monogamish has a few holes.)

  18. SorosBot

    Ana and both Sara[h]s were always good Wonk eye-candy; don't know about any of the current editors, and I'm not a good judge for the male contributors.

  19. Goonemeritus

    I find it adorable how the fundamentalist Christen wing of the Republican Party still thinks they get to sit at the big boy table. The Party will mouth your stupid talking points and then spend all their time doing what large corporations and trust fund babies want. For all intensive purposes your whole voting block is the equivalent of a liberal putting a China out of Tibet bumper sticker on their Subaru.

    1. natoslug

      I refuse to do the bumper sticker thing, but I did manage to scrape off a Subaru logo and put it on the back of my GMC Sierra. It helps not being able to see cars that small when I'm backing up.

  20. biblioteq_tress

    What's so bad about this? When Christians unite, they feed the poor, shelter the weak, practice tolerance, give the meek the earth…kidding HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA we're fucked.

  21. Extemporanus

    The tiny animated "Iced Tea Shocker" ad was an inspired touch, Junior.

    [ADDING: Manassas, Virginia?! "Man Asses, Virgina"?! BWAHAHAHA!!]

  22. RebelCountess

    Thank G-d, somebody FINALLY mentioned Mrs. Santorum's abortion, and a late term one at that. Faced with life threatening complications from a pregnancy (if they'd used contraception to limit her pregnancies or at least space them properly, she may not have gotten quite so sick), they did the right thing.

    They decided to "induce labor" and get that dangerous little fetus out of there before he killed his mother. Personally, I think killing the fetus in utero before inducing labor would have been more humane than having him expelled only to die later, but Catholics lose their reason when faced with reality of human reproduction.

  23. DarwinianDemon

    The conservochristians can't make heads or tails out of the "principled" candidate's "The government should stay out of your business" and "unless it's your LADY business!" stands any more than anyone else.

  24. DarwinianDemon

    If Ron Paul was principled, he would stand behind his newsletters and defend them as he did in the 90s. Instead he tries to weasel his way out of it with a ridiculous excuse nobody but the staunchest Paul supporters believe.

  25. Redhead

    I was just behind a car with a "Palin * 2012" bumper sticker. I know she's not technically running, and the sticker didn't whether they were supporting her for president, highest-paid Faux News bobble-head or quitter of the year in 2012, but it's not like anything else in this primary has made any sense.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Bloody woman has a TV studio in her fucking house. I think that tells you all you need to know.

      In an anecdotal aside, I followed some car into Safeway with a Mitt Romney license plate holder ("Romney 2012 / end the nightmare" or similar), which was also sporting a World Net Daily bumper sticker. One of these fuckers who does a left turn on a green with no filter and then promptly stands on the anchors as soon as they're in the parking lot, blocking everyone else from making the turn. Anyway, followed the cunt into the lot and kept an eye because he'd annoyed me. Idiot pulls into a space and dings the car next to him as he does it. Wouldn't you know it? Cranky old white guy.

      I'm still not sure if he's the same guy that was screaming at the cashier on a different occasion because she had the temerity to call him "darling" during his transaction. All these cranky old white guys look the same to me.

  26. ttommyunger

    A "President Santorum" (grabs stomach and dry heaves) would make George W. Bush look like someone who had bat-sense. I know, the mind boggles.

  27. WiscDad

    They're uniting behind him to produce mass quantities of santorum that they will sell as a facial mask…or is that fecal mass

Comments are closed.