sure why not

Newt Gingrich’s Tawdry Affairs Secretly a Sign of Moral Strength

Don't look now Ablow's probably STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU AAAHH

For anyone out there who continues to be nauseated by Newt Gingrich’s lifelong pattern of deception, adultery, selfishness and cruelty toward his wives, you’re just looking at it wrong! What his affairs actually demonstrate, when you really think about it, are his psychological strength and fitness for office. Huh? Oh come on now, Slate, you don’t need to be THAT contraria– OH WAIT, no, it’s screechy FOX NEWS family values thug Keith Ablow! And he has a very novel idea about morality to share: if you ignore it completely, Newt Gingrich is pretty much the only guy a right-wing social conservative voter should want to support.

First things first, let’s skip the sanctimonious attitude and stick to purely reasoned arguments, would you Fox News readers like that for once? Sure you would:

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

OH GOODY, WE ARE READY TO BE SLAPPED SILLY WITH REASON!

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.

So, it’s basically all every American can do not to fall hopelessly in love with Newt Gingrich. Sure, that’s a reasonable argument that matches up with reality.

4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.

Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies. If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, Newt Gingrich is obviously no stranger to that journey.

Just call him “Nothin’ but the truth” Newt Gingrich! One minor detail to note here is that the “direction” of Newt’s heart was usually “away, as fast as possible,” which may not be a helpful quality in a leader, but don’t worry, Ablow has already taken this into consideration:

Sponsored Intermission

We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it and becoming its president. And I think that is exceedingly unlikely.

Of course, the last time we briefly stopped to listen to Keith Ablow in order to laugh at him was when he was arguing that children can catch “the transsexual” through their teevee sets. Will America’s children catch a case of “the cheating assholes” from seeing Newt on teevee all the time as president?

At least this argument explains why everyone misses the Clinton years. [Fox News]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Newt Gingrinch: The giant turd floating in the pool of candidates.

    • Nostrildamus

      Remember the last time you gave a giant, spherical turd a pass? I do.

  • elviouslyqueer

    3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

    Shorter Fox News utter and complete bullshit "reason": Newt don't like ugly.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      And!
      Sluts are attracted to Newt.

    • Terry

      Newt don't like ill wives, either.

      • unclejeems

        An ill wife blows no Newt no good.

    • chicken_thief

      But, thankfully for him, his wives are ok with it.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      He must really hate himself then.

  • CapnFatback

    Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

    Is that what they call the charge account at Tiffany's?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      By this logic, Jim Jones and Charles Manson would be excellent choices as well.

      What complete fucking idiocy … at Fucks Gnus, and in South Carolina.

  • SorosBot

    Sorry, but there aren't enough whore diamonds in the world for Gingrich to convince America to marry him.

    • FrenchTwist40

      Meh. Let him make us an offer before we decide. A Presidency is four-eight years, but whore-diamonds are forever.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Holy shit, that's spinning at 75,000RPM right there

    #ablowsalot

    • littlebigdaddy

      damn beat me to it you sneaky oriental!

    • GOPCrusher

      I still trying to scrape my jaw up off the floor.

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      I suspect that Barack Obama has known more than 3 women who were "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect" that they would have liked to marry him.

      But Obama obviously didn't have the integrity to cheat on his wife, divorce her and break up his family. What a fucking loser.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Just goes to show, he doesn't love America.

  • FNMA

    We've all been looking at it wrong. Failure is the new success. They aren't failed marriages, broken by Newt's terminal horndoggedness and love of America, they are successful adulteries. It's all a matter of perspective.

    • emmelemm

      You're saying we should be "glass half full" kinda people, then? Ugh. I hate those people.

      • GOPCrusher

        Well, Newt said he wanted to run a positive campaign.

  • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Newt has a future as a Captain in the Italian Cruise Ship industry.

    • nounverb911

      By sinking?

      • http://wonkette.com Chillwillard

        But not before attempting to bang a few bellas!

    • Generation[redacted]

      "No, it's not like that. I tripped, and fell into her vagina."

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        "I am ORDERING you to go back to your wife! Do you hear me?"

        "but it's dark!"

    • MaxNeanderthal

      "Climb back on that pussy, and count the women, you fucker!"

    • Come here a minute

      "Vada a bordo, cazzo!"

    • tessiee

      Newt has a future as a flotation device in the Italian Cruise Ship industry.

  • iburl

    "he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart pudgy baby dong."

    fixed.

    Let's not moralize here, even though moralizing is the only thing, I, Keith Ablow, have ever done for a living.

    • OhNoGuy

      Ablow. Really. Ablow.

  • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    Holy crap I think the cognitive dissonance in that article just gave me a stroke

  • nounverb911

    Ever notice how Callista never lets Newt out of her site anymore?

    • Terry

      Did she have Tiffany's install sterling silver fencing?

      • tessiee

        I'd love it if there was a shock collar that went with it, but good luck finding one big enough to go around Newt's neck.

  • HalluxValgus

    Sweet! Larry King just clinched the nomination! King/ Hefner '12

    • Tundra Grifter

      I was going to suggest either Shawn Kemp or B.B. King. Actually, James Brown would be right up there, as well.

      • chicken_thief

        Each of that group are too blah for the GnoP crowd, regardless of how many women were "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him."

      • GOPCrusher

        Not sure James Brown is eligible to run for President anymore since his death. But he can run for Senator for the state of Missouri.

        • tessiee

          He's the hardest working man in the afterlife.

    • SorosBot

      Larry King / Ghost of Elizabeth Taylor 2012!

      • tessiee

        If anyone should have had a credit line at Tiffany's, it's Liz.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    As usual Keith a-blows.

  • Barb

    This is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

    • nounverb911

      More like the Dark Ages.

    • C_R_Eature

      Benjamin Franklin was less of a Horn Dog than Gingrich.

      Handsomer, from the paintings I've seen, too.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Ben had a bigger….umm "brain", too.

        • C_R_Eature

          Well, That's setting the bar low!

      • tessiee

        Painting, schmaintings; Ben was about a thousand times smarter, which, by definition, makes him handsomer.

        • C_R_Eature

          I heard on CSPAN's Washington Journal that Ben Franklin had a Huge Penis. That may have been a prank call, though.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            If he were around today, posting on Wonkette, his p-ness would be enormous.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    The way I read this is that Newt wants to give the whole country a case of the crabs.
    I could be wrong.

  • BlueStateLibel

    OK, now Satan's REALLY having a big laugh down below.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You can count on it … as soon as we get our own jaws off the floor, we're gonna laugh. Just give us a day or two.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Ablow is a total hypocritical fucktard. End of story.

    #ablosalot, too, also (tnx Fukui)

  • BornInATrailer

    I'm sure I'm not the only one that tipped this BUT YAY ME.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "America, I've been your President now for a year, but I found a younger, thinner country and I was wondering if we could have an open Presidency. Thank you."

    • nounverb911

      France?

      • jqheywood

        Franco LIBEL!

      • tessiee

        Nah, they already have Sarkozy.

    • LettucePrey

      Chile?

      It's that skinny bitch Chile, isn't it?

      • chicken_thief

        The Chilean model that the Hermanator was always talking about.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Post of the month!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Italy? Not as skinny as Chile, but still. Plus, nice boots!

      • tessiee

        That's actually how I first learned how to draw high heels.

      • tessiee

        Also, the main horndog of Italy is already Berlusconi.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

    So, Did Dr. Ablow say what happens if the country decides it wants to make Gingrich's life as painful as possible once he decides to leave us for a younger country?

    • LetUsBray

      Gingrich never left me and I'd STILL like to make his life as painful as possible.

  • Baconzgood

    FUUUUUUCK ME! Man that's a reach.

    • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      Thats what Larry Craig said

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I believe projectile vomiting is in order here.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      *obliges bb4s*

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Ablow should have stayed with the most persuasive argument in favor of Newt. As far as any one knows, he has yet to molest a German Shepard on YouTube.

    • prommie

      But he hasn't denied that he molested a german shepherd on YouTube.

      • OhNoGuy

        LEAVE THE POPE OUT OF THIS!!

      • tessiee

        "he hasn't denied that he molested a german shepherd"

        What about shepherds of other nationalities?

      • tessiee

        What about shepherds of other nationalities?

  • colschick

    Why would you want a candidate that only had ONE spouse "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him"? Mormon candidates RULE!

  • rocktonsam

    5. Newt is a hopeless romantic.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      newt is hopeless a hopeless romantic

      Fixed.

  • MiniMencken

    I guess these guys are even better suited to the Presidency. Where do you rank?
    15. Bill Wyman (Rolling Stones bassist) 1,000
    14. Magic Johnson (basketball star) 1,000
    13. Eric Clapton (Guitarist) 1,000
    12. Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead frontman) 1,200
    11. Jack Nicholson (actor) 2,000
    10. Ilie Nastase (tennis star) 2,500
    9. Engerlbert Humperdinck (singer) 3,000
    8. Julio Iglesias (singer) 3,000
    7. Ron Jeremy (pornstar) 4,500
    6. Gene Simmons (Kiss frontman) 4,600
    5. Charlie Sheen (actor) 5,000
    4. Umberto Billo (Venetian hotel porter) 8,000
    3. Wilt Chamberlain (basketball star) 20,000
    2. Random pharoah 34,000 (Guinness Book of world Records has proof)
    1. Fidel Castro (Cuban President) 35,000
    Where do you rank?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      So, it's agreed, Fidel Castro is the ultimate Republican?

    • JackDempsey1

      I am number 22,224,453 with a bullet, but I could easily move into 6 figures if I lived in Vegas.
      [goddam wife with "stable job" and "young and impressionable" kids]

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Englebert Humperdinck beat out Tom Jones? I demand a recount!!!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        In fairness to Jones, he had a nasty case of chlamydia. Sort of slowed him down for a decade or so.

        Always wear a condom, boys and girls!

        • GOPCrusher

          Especially if you work in the porn industry in the Los Angeles area.

        • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

          I could have used that advice years ago, but thanks anyway.

      • chicken_thief

        I call bullshit, too. I think Englebert and Julio did each other 3,000 times.

      • tessiee

        "Tom Jones?"

        Go to youtube and type in "Christopher Walken Delilah".

    • philpjfry

      Man I will never get to be president

    • Steverino247

      I thought Fidel was a pitcher. How did he beat Wilt Chamberlain?

    • tessiee

      "4. Umberto Billo (Venetian hotel porter) 8,000"

      So, hotel porter — not rock star, movie star, professional athlete, or ruler of a country? I'm guessing he's got an even longer tongue than Gene Simmons.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      According to official North Korean sources, Kim Jong Il beats out Castro by a factor of ten. And he got every last one of them pregnant, too.

  • smashedinhat

    Doctor, heal thyself.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      #heAblowsalot

  • Baconzgood

    But I thought he cheats because he loves the country so much.

    • Barb

      Gives a whole new meaning to "please rise for our national anthem."

      • OhNoGuy

        Oh say can you see….

        Why I most certainly can.

  • LesBontemps

    Oooorrr, you could be coldly analytical, not moralize, and conclude that Newt Gingrich's behavior indicates that he has no principles, integrity or self-restraint and has no compunction about lying and cheating to get what he wants.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Sociopath libel!

    • Gleem_McShineys

      You say that as if it is a bad thing.

      Next thing you'll be trying to tell me that shit-on-rye sandwiches are NOT delicious, and that Steev Doocy is some kind of tard.
      NOT FALLING FOR IT

    • OhNoGuy

      Newts for $1,000, Alex

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In other words, the perfect Republican president. QED.

  • YasserArraFeck

    I suppose " he needed to follow his heart" sounds better than "the semi-flaccid bilebag needed to follow "Little Newt", the Viagra-jazzed man-nub that's really driving the bus".

    • GOPCrusher

      "Man-nub" made me Hoover green tea out my nose.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know who else's philandering made him a natural leader?

    • SorosBot

      Julius Caesar?

    • nounverb911

      Donald Trump?

    • BornInATrailer

      Gary Hart?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Genghis Khan, distant ancestor of us all?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      John F Kennedy?

    • ph7

      William H. Taft?

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Phil Anders?

    • chicken_thief

      Ben Roethlisberger?

    • SayItWithWookies
    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Nobody's mentioned FDR yet? I'll take FDR.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Nor has anyone mentioned Reagan. Sheesh…..

    • GOPCrusher

      Wilt Chamberlain?

    • C_R_Eature

      Priapus?

    • jodyleek

      Zeus?

    • doloras

      Bill Clinton. AWKWARD for Newt.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Henry VIII?

    • Buckminster

      Well, at least it wasn't "The old public functionary."

    • tessiee

      Bill Clinton, who I heartily hope is following this and laughing his ass off.
      Karma's a bitch, Newt.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Joseph Smith. (Awkward for Mitt.)

  • GeorgiaBurning

    In a twisted way it also explains Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng.

  • Baconzgood

    IOKIYAR much Keith?

  • SmutBoffin

    So, Keith, are you willing to run this argument by your wife? What will she think about it?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I quote: "Don't let the door on our 'open marriage' hit you on your scrawny white ass when you walk out the door."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    So you're super cool with John Edwards too, right Keith?

  • poorgradstudent

    Did Keith Ablow get his degree from the University of Oppositeland?

    • SmutBoffin

      He was a fellow at the Institute for Advanced Dumbassery

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ummm, on Bizarro World…

    • Generation[redacted]

      His graduate thesis was a treatise on how his ass and a hole in the ground are essentially the same.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        He also penned the highly regarded treatise titled "This Is Rain, Not Urine; You Are Mistaken"

    • Loaded_Pants

      Yes, it's one of those for-profits where you can become a Dr. in just 2 years!

    • tessiee

      No — by which, of course, I mean Yes.
      .

  • prommie

    Its just too bad the GOP lost Ted Bundy. Like Newt, he also had such emotional vitality and intelligence that 15 or 20 women who met him spent the rest of their lives with him.

    • BornInATrailer

      Complete and utter skull crushing win of a comment.

      • ph7

        Agreed. I'd retire on top if my synapses ever composed such a busload of win.

        • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

          agreed thrice. Amazing Prommie.

    • Generation[redacted]

      All Newt is asking is for America to help him lift this couch into his van.

      • emmelemm

        "My dog got lost. Can you help me look for him?"

    • JimNauseam

      DUDE! Dark!

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Politifact rates this statement "mostly true."

    • Nothingisamiss

      Oh, good Lord, Proimmie! That is just…so…what #winning looks like post Charlie Sheen!

      On Wonkette!

    • GOPCrusher

      COTD shit right there.

    • dadanarchist

      I know you can't see me but I'm genuflecting with utter respect to the genius of this.

    • PhilippePetain

      Best.

    • prommie

      Y'all are too kind. It just sorta fell into place. Even the losers get lucky sometimes (actually not true, the rich kids will always get the hottest chicks).

      • Rotundo_

        I bow in gratitude for the presence of a genius. Not just a logical and amusing takedown, but a vivisection with flamenco dance around the table before the cream pie to the face. If we were on stage I would gather the roses and place them at your feet good sir, a magnificent performance indeed!

  • Pragmatist2

    Clearly one more divorce or, perhaps, an illegitimate child would put right up there with Jesus Christ and Mahatma Ghandi. Probably a step ahead of Mother Theresa.

  • ph7

    Wham! Bam! Thank you, America!

  • doubleohmonkey

    really, really tired of this sweaty festering bag of farts.

  • kissawookiee

    So it's confirmed that Newt's dick (1) is huge, and (2) gyrates, and (3) is equipped with a ring of rotating pearls and (4) deliciously tickly vibrating rabbit ears with (5) nine different intensity settings, all in easy-to-clean silicone? Because even with the half-mil line of whore diamond credit, nothing else comes close to credibly explaining this scenario.

    • GOPCrusher

      Newt Gingrich. The Human Sybian.

  • CommieLibunatic

    What do you think, Phillip?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You know how a lot of people say "My goodness I just spewed Dr Pepper/coffee/San Pellegrino all over my monitor"? That's what just happened to me, but it was my lunch, my breakfast, my morning coffee, and my midday soda. Goddam was that fucking sickening. What a fucking mess.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Didn't Dr. Bill Frist get himself into a spot of trouble "diagnosing" a person (poor Terri Schavio) he had not actually examined?

    Isn't this a spot of malpractice on the part of this idiot? I'd rather be treated by Dr. Pepper.

    • ph7

      I'd let Mr. Pibb treat me first (and he's no Dr.)

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Who is that amazing comedian – Mr. Pibb didn't even take the time to get his degree…

        • ph7

          Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (I was grave robbing that joke).

  • BornInATrailer

    And on that note..

    Newt / Zsa Zsa 2012!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if serial fucking of other women qualifies you to be president, maybe the Republicans should draft Hugh Hefner to be their nominee.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Don't encourage them Baldar.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Wilt Chamberlain: Americas' Greatest Statesman.

  • Generation[redacted]

    3 divorces… damn I'm pretty awesome.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Generation[redacted] is someone we can trust!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is from the Onion, right? There is no fucking way this can be real.

  • Nesnora

    Keith is just really, really hoping for a chance to suckle that chubby bic-dick of failure. It's warm under the blubberous, sweaty flaps of an aging, hypocritical charlatan…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Seriously? The guy's name is "A-blow"?

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.VerminSupreme

    Ablow must have gotten his M.D. from the Troll Science School of Medicine.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I was going to suggest we vote Gingrich/Palin because they'll both quit before the first term is over. But that would leave us with President Boehner, so ew.

    • chicken_thief

      It would be great fun watching him cry, literally, every time the Dems filibustered one of his appointments/bills/etc.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That may well be the gayest thing I've ever read.

    • Nothingisamiss

      No gay would fall for this. This is the straightest fundie bullshit I've ever read.*

      *Not really, I've read a lot of fundie bullshit.

      • OneYieldRegular

        My bad. I should perhaps have said "the most closeted thing" – it's the astonishing latent content of the piece that just screams repression. I'm surprised he didn't get around to describing how Newt looked in a pair of jeans.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Got it. So, this genius has determined that a mother who lets her 3-year old son wear pink nail polish is an unfit parent, that seeing a reasonably happy transsexual on TV will make our children turn gay, and now, that a serial cheater is clearly so irresistible that he has a lock on the White House.

    Are we completely certain that Fox News isn't just a long-term absurdist performance art project? Has anyone tried to find out if "Keith Ablow" isn't actually the not-dead-after-all Andy Kaufmann?

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Barack Obama has been married to the same woman since 1992, which suggests that he is dull, unimaginative, and unable to attract women. Clearly he has no business being President.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Oh, the rationalizing of these people. Newt can have as many women as will fuck him and as many marriages as wives who will not share him (wretch, wretch), but it's only a temporary aberration for me to want to marry one man (whom I did not cheat on or abandon when he had cancer, thank you very much). Aaaaaaaarrgggghhhhh!

    If only you all could see the steam coming from my ears right now!

  • Eve8Apples

    "One minor detail to note here is that the “direction” of Newt’s heart was usually “away, as fast as possible,”

    The organ Newt pointed away from his wives was not his heart. The heart is not located in the human crotch. Wonkette needs to brush up on anatomy.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I get daily tutorials on anatomy here at Wonkette. This is just a fluke.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      "The heart is not located in the human crotch."

      It's not? Then what's this thing in my chest?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I would love to hear the kind of excuses this guy gives to his wife after a long night of gay hookers and blow.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Gay hookers?! This just shows that our would be prez is attractive to a wide spectrum of people! Blow?! He wants to expand his horizons, see what ordinary folks and their "sobriety" miss! This is who we want leading us!

    • Steverino247

      The same as all the other assholes: I'm a sinner, but Jesus has forgiven me (for the millionth time).

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    We don't need no elitist pop psychologist hair-brained "theory". It is obvious that God has given Prof. Speaker Newt Gingrich the gift of Smite by Love Juices. WO! to the Woman who resists his advances.

  • barto

    Well I'm thinking chances are we're gonna catch him with Mexico or Canada somewhere during that first term, so…

    • Generation[redacted]

      Coalition of the Willing?

  • Redhead

    1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his money and Tiffany's credit line that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.
    2) Two of these women were so greedy that the presence of another wife didn't matter.
    3 ) One of them didn't care that Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time because he could guy her more plasticy looks in addition to diamonds.
    4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he had found a younger model, quite awhile ago, but was just now getting the balls to tell them/it's their fault for not agreeing to an open marriage.

    Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies, after he lies to them and deceives them for quite awhile, waiting until they're at a time of extreme stress/disease to tell them "hey I found something better." If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, then we must hope that Newt won't tell us, as we're getting nuked by Iran, that hey dude it's been fun but he found this other democracy, over in Asia somewhere, and you see, it's just younger and newer and more FUN, and it lets him do that newfangled Santroum thing all the kids are talking about, and well, all those "business trips"… well really, he's been a sort of second-in-command over there for awhile and it's time to make the whole thing official, so you know, hope you understand, and good luck with that getting nuked and the radiation and all that.

  • HarryButtle

    You know, I’m mostly a pacifist. But I’m pretty sure I could happily beat Newt Gingrich to death with a sock full of quarters and not feel a lick of remorse.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    By that logic, Henry VIII would be the best president ever.

    • Steverino247

      And he got about as much head as Newt, too.

    • tessiee

      Also less fat than Newt.

  • HarryButtle

    Oh, and the third wife may not be "moved" by Newt as much as she's moved by his Tiffany credit line. Also.

  • owhatever

    These are the same people — including Newt — who were ready to shoot Bill Clinton for liking sexytimes with women too much. Moralizing assh*les.

  • SayItWithWookies

    You can take any moral position you like about men and women who cheat while married, but there simply is no correlation, whatsoever—from a psychological perspective—between whether they can remain true to their wedding vows and whether they can remain true to the Oath of Office.

    I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

    Okay — so in one paragraph, Mr. Ablow says that one's marriage has absolutely no bearing on how they'll act in office. And then, in the paragraph immediately following, this fucking idiot says that he's analyzed Mr. Gingrich's marriages and this is what he thinks it portends for him as a leader.

    In conclusion, Mr. Ablow ought to stick to his dumbass morality, because his fucking idiotic appeal to reason is so completely stupid it makes his morality look Solomonic by comparison.

    • GOPCrusher

      I would be highly interested in hearing this douchenozzle's hypothesis on Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky.

      • BornInATrailer

        He'd say that Bill just used her and didn't do the right thing by making her the new wife, like upstanding, decent and honest Newt did.

        No, seriously, that's what he'd say. I've already seen this thought puked up in other comment sections. It's AWESOME.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Ablow was much funnier when he was helping rob the Farmers and Mechanics Bank of La Grange.

      Ablow: "All right, you hayseeds, it's a stickup! Everybody freeze! Everybody down on the ground!"
      Old Hick: "Well, which is it, young feller? You want l should freeze or get down on the ground? l mean to say, if l freeze, l can't rightly drop and, if l drop, l'm gonna be in motion. You see?"
      Ablow: "Shut up!"
      Old Hick: "OK, then."

  • savethispatient

    The only advantage of a President Gingrich is that he would definitely leave after he'd finished screwing us.

  • C_R_Eature

    Ablow. Scoutmaster to the Weblow Boy Scouts?

  • BarackMyWorld

    This calls for a "Billy Madison" quote. You know the one I mean.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    So: At least 3 women in the US have incredibly low self esteem, and incredibly poor taste in men. Wow. That's news to me.

    • LesBontemps

      Hey, that's how I've gotten most of my dates!

  • proudgrampa

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That was the funniest satirical piece I've ever read!

    Wait — it WAS satire, wasn't it?!?

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    This guy is the Dr. Mengele of morals.

    • BornInATrailer

      Dr. Ablow is the mystery blonde to Newt's Concordia Ship of State.

    • Steverino247

      Newt has a twin? OH SHIT!

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Not a twin, just a desperate sycophant.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    From the picture: The bald dude looks like he's thinking, "I can't wait for my time with the boy!"

  • comrad_darkness

    Mr. Ablow, Clinging this badly to your fucked up authoritarian belief structure has got to be a mental illness.

  • unclejeems

    Ahem. Dr. Keith Ablow, Regents Professor of Bizarro Psychiatry, Fellow of the American College of Contradictions, Master of the Oxymoron, with an honorary doctorate from Liberty University in Republican Logic.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      an honorary doctorate from Liberty University

      formerly "Mike's Discount Powertool Rental Shack"

  • Goonemeritus

    “He needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.”

    Newt released his tax records yesterday; he paid about 31% taxes on over 3 million dollars of income. But the piece that really caught my eye was he spent around 20 grand on alimony. How the hell does someone with an income 3 million get away paying (0.66%) of is total annual income. Great financial price indeed.

  • Pithaughn

    "another nation, perhaps a little younger " Argentina, I'm looking at you! Keep your sultry perky Andes mountains and sexy accent away from mah man, I swear to all that is holy and good I WILL CUT YOU!

    • http://wonkette.com Pres.VerminSupreme

      I was thinking something more like South Sudan.

  • comrad_darkness

    >in the direction of its heart

    Right, his "heart". It is to laugh.

    Also, surprise, the planet contains three women who loves them a man with a million dollar whore diamond account at Tiffany's. If the voters also love that to the exclusion of all else, we truly are well and fucked.

  • sezme

    Fact:
    Newt Gingrich's head looks like a giant Edam cheese.

    Conclusion:
    I'm just worried that with him as President, the poor will have too much to eat!

  • Troglodeity

    And consider the incredible stamina, memory and skill it takes to carry on an illicit affair for six whole years. We should all be begging Newt to deign to serve as our President.

  • whiskeybaby

    The front cover of that book should go straight to jail.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

  • stopthemovie

    So if Newt's elected POTUS (god forbid) then Callista still won't be the first lady?
    Bummer she's got that lady bird Johnson thing going on.

  • Pithaughn

    Oh , I get it. this feller is angling for a cabinet appt in the newt admin. "Secretary of completely making shit up"
    former secretaries of making shit up include, Howard Baker, Spiro Agnew and Col Ollie North. History tells us that R admins have a huge need to make shit up.

  • Schmegeg

    Newty actually said he dumped W2 because he loved America so much, or some such nonsense. I heard this from his voice, on the TeeVee. I would hate it if he cheated on us with say, Columbia. i would feel so cheap.

    Why doesn't someone ask this creep 1) Do you believe the concept of Open Marriage, 2) Is your marriage open, and 3) If elected, would you allow girlfriends open access to the White House.

    Has America the Sainted ever elected a complete Asshole as President?

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Has America the Sainted ever elected a complete Asshole as President?

      GWB?

      • LetUsBray

        It's questionable whether he was truly elected. But Tricky Dick Nixon, no five-o'clock shadow of a doubt there.

    • PubOption

      Newt was asked about his divorces and his request for an open marriage, during the recent candidates debate. His answer blamed the liberal media for everything.

    • tessiee

      Reagan was a royal asshole, and I think that Calvin Coolidge may have been one, too.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Here's some more advice:

    Overweight – Americans value body appearance. So stay inside or experiment with dangerous diet drugs if you have to. Or just kill your self and stop being a burden on the rest of us.

    Depression – Is a sign of weakness. Be strong and hold your feelings inside as long as possible. Don't tell anyone about your problems – it only makes them sad too. Consider excessive alcohol or take up a dangerous hobby, like crocodile wrestling.

    Autism – Is caused by chlorinated water. Try to develop an amazing mathematical skill like card counting if you can. If not its a good idea to remember the old "better seen and not heard" adage.

    • C_R_Eature

      Impotence – Caused by Fluoridation, insidiously added to our water, toothpaste and, yes even children's ice cream by Communists. Saps and Impurifies our Precious Bodily Fluids.
      Cure: only drink rain water and grain alcohol. Also, never give Women your Essence.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Bestiality – usually caused by atheism. Suspend your judgement and get god.

        • C_R_Eature

          Woah! So, all those farmboys with the chickens in the back barn – are Athiests?

          The More You Know!

  • Gainsbourg69

    This guy has titanium balls. I'll give him that.

  • Callyson

    Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about the sanity of these three women, not whether we’ll be nutso enough to elect this man president.
    /fixed

  • bravo_sierra

    Weren't there women who wanted to marry Charles Manson while he was in prison?

  • ColonelDoctor

    Stop stealing from the Onion.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Newt is to marriage as Sarah Palin is to elective office.

    • tessiee

      Newt:marriage::George W. Bush:elective office::Sarah Palin:intelligence

  • fuflans

    dear newt:

    we've had our good times and we'll always have the memories, but you are a fat pompous hypocritical windbag with neanderthal politics and the sex appeal of termite larvae. so please, fuck off.

    love,

    the women in america to whom you have not been married.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it and becoming its president. And I think that is exceedingly unlikely."

    I thought you guys were making this whole thing up but, there it was on the Fox News link. Unfuckingreal.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Wow, I want to play in this wonderful game too!

    1) Facts are usually considered immutable, unchangeable, and reliable. They are the pillars of truth that make up the very basis of history, science, and common sense.

    2) Certain pundits are able to bend these immutable facts to their will. They can alter them into shapes that, to some, look like pornographic self-fellating balloon animals. However, balloons are innocent toys, reminiscent of happy clowns and joyous birthday parties, therefore, harmless regardless of their shape.

    CONCLUSION: Some pundits are more powerful than any heroes of history, or superheroes of fiction, because they can commute the immutable. Because they can do this with such ease, one should be thankful that they use this power for such obvious good (remember the balloon animals? The innocent, joyous ones?) so, in conclusion, you would do well to follow every bit of advice they bestow upon you!

    How'd I do, Keith?

  • spends2much

    Wow, you guys at The Onion outdid yourselves with this one. Oh wait…
    Fuck me, you can't tell the parodies from the real news anymore. Besides which, this is the single funniest thing I have read in years.

  • dcjdjay

    If this SOB's logic is defensible, then Bill Clinton should be President for life.

    • tessiee

      Whatever the downside of such a reign may be, it would have at least spared us 8 years of bush.

  • Buckminster

    Any man or woman who buys this turd sandwich with a side of douche-soda is dumber than dumb-de-dumb Perry. God, I can't believe the man's moral turpitude and I hope he is struck by lightning.
    Oh, and yes, I hope Gingrich is also struck by lightning.

  • Mike Licht

    Gingrich has lost some support, though.

    See http://bit.ly/zMXKRa

  • tessiee

    "was not exactly her equal in the looks department"

    *eyeroll*
    Oh, for Christ's sake.
    This douchenozzle sounds like every ditzy, romance-novel-reading eighteen year old girl with a crush on her married boss, explaining that "Sure, he's married, but Mrs. Boss is fat/ugly/naggy/stuck at home with the kids/only 5 years younger than Boss instead of half his age/doesn't *really* understand him like Ditzy does".
    The difference being that when you're eighteen, no one expects you to have a lick of sense.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    "We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it…"

    The implication being that his mistresses seduced him into marrying them, not that he had the morals of a toad. It's alway's a woman's fault.

  • tessiee

    "he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation"

    And it's just one more terrible, unjust cross to bear that the little people, with their humdrum workaday lives and their ordinary suburban worldview, wouldn't understand — couldn't understand — the great suffering that goes along with such a great love, because they, after all, aren't…
    Newt!

  • a_pink_poodle

    HAHAHAHA OH WOW!

  • ttommyunger

    What a revelation! There are women seeking a meal ticket who are amoral, sexually liberated, who want a meal ticket so bad they are willing to keep their beer goggles on 24/7! Thanks, Doc; how much do I owe you? Nothing? Great, worth every penny.