SURE WHY NOT  2:22 pm January 20, 2012

Newt Gingrich’s Tawdry Affairs Secretly a Sign of Moral Strength

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Don't look now Ablow's probably STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU AAAHH

For anyone out there who continues to be nauseated by Newt Gingrich’s lifelong pattern of deception, adultery, selfishness and cruelty toward his wives, you’re just looking at it wrong! What his affairs actually demonstrate, when you really think about it, are his psychological strength and fitness for office. Huh? Oh come on now, Slate, you don’t need to be THAT contraria– OH WAIT, no, it’s screechy FOX NEWS family values thug Keith Ablow! And he has a very novel idea about morality to share: if you ignore it completely, Newt Gingrich is pretty much the only guy a right-wing social conservative voter should want to support.

First things first, let’s skip the sanctimonious attitude and stick to purely reasoned arguments, would you Fox News readers like that for once? Sure you would:

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

OH GOODY, WE ARE READY TO BE SLAPPED SILLY WITH REASON!

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.

So, it’s basically all every American can do not to fall hopelessly in love with Newt Gingrich. Sure, that’s a reasonable argument that matches up with reality.

4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.

Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies. If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, Newt Gingrich is obviously no stranger to that journey.

Just call him “Nothin’ but the truth” Newt Gingrich! One minor detail to note here is that the “direction” of Newt’s heart was usually “away, as fast as possible,” which may not be a helpful quality in a leader, but don’t worry, Ablow has already taken this into consideration:

We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it and becoming its president. And I think that is exceedingly unlikely.

Of course, the last time we briefly stopped to listen to Keith Ablow in order to laugh at him was when he was arguing that children can catch “the transsexual” through their teevee sets. Will America’s children catch a case of “the cheating assholes” from seeing Newt on teevee all the time as president?

At least this argument explains why everyone misses the Clinton years. [Fox News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 251 comments }

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Newt Gingrinch: The giant turd floating in the pool of candidates.

Nostrildamus January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Remember the last time you gave a giant, spherical turd a pass? I do.

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Shorter Fox News utter and complete bullshit "reason": Newt don't like ugly.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

And!
Sluts are attracted to Newt.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Newt don't like ill wives, either.

unclejeems January 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm

An ill wife blows no Newt no good.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

But, thankfully for him, his wives are ok with it.

Shellwith2Ls January 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

He must really hate himself then.

CapnFatback January 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

Is that what they call the charge account at Tiffany's?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:25 pm

By this logic, Jim Jones and Charles Manson would be excellent choices as well.

What complete fucking idiocy … at Fucks Gnus, and in South Carolina.

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Sorry, but there aren't enough whore diamonds in the world for Gingrich to convince America to marry him.

FrenchTwist40 January 20, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Meh. Let him make us an offer before we decide. A Presidency is four-eight years, but whore-diamonds are forever.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Holy shit, that's spinning at 75,000RPM right there

#ablowsalot

littlebigdaddy January 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

damn beat me to it you sneaky oriental!

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I still trying to scrape my jaw up off the floor.

MaxUdargo January 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I suspect that Barack Obama has known more than 3 women who were "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect" that they would have liked to marry him.

But Obama obviously didn't have the integrity to cheat on his wife, divorce her and break up his family. What a fucking loser.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Just goes to show, he doesn't love America.

FNMA January 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

We've all been looking at it wrong. Failure is the new success. They aren't failed marriages, broken by Newt's terminal horndoggedness and love of America, they are successful adulteries. It's all a matter of perspective.

emmelemm January 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

You're saying we should be "glass half full" kinda people, then? Ugh. I hate those people.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Well, Newt said he wanted to run a positive campaign.

Chillwillard January 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Newt has a future as a Captain in the Italian Cruise Ship industry.

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

By sinking?

Chillwillard January 20, 2012 at 2:46 pm

But not before attempting to bang a few bellas!

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

"No, it's not like that. I tripped, and fell into her vagina."

Fukui_sanYesOta January 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

"I am ORDERING you to go back to your wife! Do you hear me?"

"but it's dark!"

MaxNeanderthal January 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

"Climb back on that pussy, and count the women, you fucker!"

Come here a minute January 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

"Vada a bordo, cazzo!"

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Newt has a future as a flotation device in the Italian Cruise Ship industry.

iburl January 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

"he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart pudgy baby dong."

fixed.

Let's not moralize here, even though moralizing is the only thing, I, Keith Ablow, have ever done for a living.

OhNoGuy January 20, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Ablow. Really. Ablow.

TanzbodenKoenig January 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Holy crap I think the cognitive dissonance in that article just gave me a stroke

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Ever notice how Callista never lets Newt out of her site anymore?

Terry January 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Did she have Tiffany's install sterling silver fencing?

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I'd love it if there was a shock collar that went with it, but good luck finding one big enough to go around Newt's neck.

HalluxValgus January 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Sweet! Larry King just clinched the nomination! King/ Hefner '12

Tundra Grifter January 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I was going to suggest either Shawn Kemp or B.B. King. Actually, James Brown would be right up there, as well.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Each of that group are too blah for the GnoP crowd, regardless of how many women were "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him."

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Not sure James Brown is eligible to run for President anymore since his death. But he can run for Senator for the state of Missouri.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:38 pm

He's the hardest working man in the afterlife.

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Larry King / Ghost of Elizabeth Taylor 2012!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:38 pm

If anyone should have had a credit line at Tiffany's, it's Liz.

mrblifil January 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm

As usual Keith a-blows.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

This is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

More like the Dark Ages.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Benjamin Franklin was less of a Horn Dog than Gingrich.

Handsomer, from the paintings I've seen, too.

Loaded_Pants January 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Ben had a bigger….umm "brain", too.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Well, That's setting the bar low!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Painting, schmaintings; Ben was about a thousand times smarter, which, by definition, makes him handsomer.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I heard on CSPAN's Washington Journal that Ben Franklin had a Huge Penis. That may have been a prank call, though.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

If he were around today, posting on Wonkette, his p-ness would be enormous.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

The way I read this is that Newt wants to give the whole country a case of the crabs.
I could be wrong.

BlueStateLibel January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

OK, now Satan's REALLY having a big laugh down below.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm

You can count on it … as soon as we get our own jaws off the floor, we're gonna laugh. Just give us a day or two.

weej_bain January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Ablow is a total hypocritical fucktard. End of story.

#ablosalot, too, also (tnx Fukui)

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I'm sure I'm not the only one that tipped this BUT YAY ME.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"America, I've been your President now for a year, but I found a younger, thinner country and I was wondering if we could have an open Presidency. Thank you."

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

France?

jqheywood January 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Franco LIBEL!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Nah, they already have Sarkozy.

LettucePrey January 20, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Chile?

It's that skinny bitch Chile, isn't it?

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

The Chilean model that the Hermanator was always talking about.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Post of the month!

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Italy? Not as skinny as Chile, but still. Plus, nice boots!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:03 pm

That's actually how I first learned how to draw high heels.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Also, the main horndog of Italy is already Berlusconi.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

So, Did Dr. Ablow say what happens if the country decides it wants to make Gingrich's life as painful as possible once he decides to leave us for a younger country?

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Gingrich never left me and I'd STILL like to make his life as painful as possible.

Baconzgood January 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

FUUUUUUCK ME! Man that's a reach.

TanzbodenKoenig January 20, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Thats what Larry Craig said

Blueb4sunrise January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I believe projectile vomiting is in order here.

starfanglednut January 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

*obliges bb4s*

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Ablow should have stayed with the most persuasive argument in favor of Newt. As far as any one knows, he has yet to molest a German Shepard on YouTube.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 2:40 pm

But he hasn't denied that he molested a german shepherd on YouTube.

OhNoGuy January 20, 2012 at 9:14 pm

LEAVE THE POPE OUT OF THIS!!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:44 pm

"he hasn't denied that he molested a german shepherd"

What about shepherds of other nationalities?

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:44 pm

What about shepherds of other nationalities?

colschick January 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Why would you want a candidate that only had ONE spouse "so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him"? Mormon candidates RULE!

rocktonsam January 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

5. Newt is a hopeless romantic.

Dashboard Buddha January 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm

newt is hopeless a hopeless romantic

Fixed.

MiniMencken January 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I guess these guys are even better suited to the Presidency. Where do you rank?
15. Bill Wyman (Rolling Stones bassist) 1,000
14. Magic Johnson (basketball star) 1,000
13. Eric Clapton (Guitarist) 1,000
12. Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead frontman) 1,200
11. Jack Nicholson (actor) 2,000
10. Ilie Nastase (tennis star) 2,500
9. Engerlbert Humperdinck (singer) 3,000
8. Julio Iglesias (singer) 3,000
7. Ron Jeremy (pornstar) 4,500
6. Gene Simmons (Kiss frontman) 4,600
5. Charlie Sheen (actor) 5,000
4. Umberto Billo (Venetian hotel porter) 8,000
3. Wilt Chamberlain (basketball star) 20,000
2. Random pharoah 34,000 (Guinness Book of world Records has proof)
1. Fidel Castro (Cuban President) 35,000
Where do you rank?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

So, it's agreed, Fidel Castro is the ultimate Republican?

JackDempsey1 January 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I am number 22,224,453 with a bullet, but I could easily move into 6 figures if I lived in Vegas.
[goddam wife with "stable job" and "young and impressionable" kids]

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Englebert Humperdinck beat out Tom Jones? I demand a recount!!!

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

In fairness to Jones, he had a nasty case of chlamydia. Sort of slowed him down for a decade or so.

Always wear a condom, boys and girls!

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Especially if you work in the porn industry in the Los Angeles area.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I could have used that advice years ago, but thanks anyway.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I call bullshit, too. I think Englebert and Julio did each other 3,000 times.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm

"Tom Jones?"

Go to youtube and type in "Christopher Walken Delilah".

philpjfry January 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Man I will never get to be president

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I thought Fidel was a pitcher. How did he beat Wilt Chamberlain?

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm

"4. Umberto Billo (Venetian hotel porter) 8,000"

So, hotel porter — not rock star, movie star, professional athlete, or ruler of a country? I'm guessing he's got an even longer tongue than Gene Simmons.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

According to official North Korean sources, Kim Jong Il beats out Castro by a factor of ten. And he got every last one of them pregnant, too.

smashedinhat January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Doctor, heal thyself.

FlownOver January 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

#heAblowsalot

Baconzgood January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

But I thought he cheats because he loves the country so much.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Gives a whole new meaning to "please rise for our national anthem."

OhNoGuy January 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Oh say can you see….

Why I most certainly can.

LesBontemps January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Oooorrr, you could be coldly analytical, not moralize, and conclude that Newt Gingrich's behavior indicates that he has no principles, integrity or self-restraint and has no compunction about lying and cheating to get what he wants.

MaxNeanderthal January 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Sociopath libel!

Gleem_McShineys January 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

You say that as if it is a bad thing.

Next thing you'll be trying to tell me that shit-on-rye sandwiches are NOT delicious, and that Steev Doocy is some kind of tard.
NOT FALLING FOR IT

OhNoGuy January 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Newts for $1,000, Alex

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:36 pm

In other words, the perfect Republican president. QED.

YasserArraFeck January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I suppose " he needed to follow his heart" sounds better than "the semi-flaccid bilebag needed to follow "Little Newt", the Viagra-jazzed man-nub that's really driving the bus".

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"Man-nub" made me Hoover green tea out my nose.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

You know who else's philandering made him a natural leader?

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Julius Caesar?

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Donald Trump?

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Gary Hart?

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Genghis Khan, distant ancestor of us all?

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

John F Kennedy?

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

William H. Taft?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Phil Anders?

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Ben Roethlisberger?

SayItWithWookies January 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm
gurukalehuru January 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Nobody's mentioned FDR yet? I'll take FDR.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Nor has anyone mentioned Reagan. Sheesh…..

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Wilt Chamberlain?

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Priapus?

jodyleek January 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Zeus?

doloras January 20, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Bill Clinton. AWKWARD for Newt.

horsedreamer_1 January 20, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Henry VIII?

Buckminster January 20, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Well, at least it wasn't "The old public functionary."

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Bill Clinton, who I heartily hope is following this and laughing his ass off.
Karma's a bitch, Newt.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Joseph Smith. (Awkward for Mitt.)

GeorgiaBurning January 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

In a twisted way it also explains Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng.

Baconzgood January 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

IOKIYAR much Keith?

SmutBoffin January 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

So, Keith, are you willing to run this argument by your wife? What will she think about it?

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I quote: "Don't let the door on our 'open marriage' hit you on your scrawny white ass when you walk out the door."

SudsMcKenzie January 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

So you're super cool with John Edwards too, right Keith?

poorgradstudent January 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Did Keith Ablow get his degree from the University of Oppositeland?

SmutBoffin January 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

He was a fellow at the Institute for Advanced Dumbassery

Toomush_Infer January 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Ummm, on Bizarro World…

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

His graduate thesis was a treatise on how his ass and a hole in the ground are essentially the same.

Gleem_McShineys January 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

He also penned the highly regarded treatise titled "This Is Rain, Not Urine; You Are Mistaken"

Loaded_Pants January 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Yes, it's one of those for-profits where you can become a Dr. in just 2 years!

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:55 pm

No — by which, of course, I mean Yes.
.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Its just too bad the GOP lost Ted Bundy. Like Newt, he also had such emotional vitality and intelligence that 15 or 20 women who met him spent the rest of their lives with him.

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Complete and utter skull crushing win of a comment.

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Agreed. I'd retire on top if my synapses ever composed such a busload of win.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm

agreed thrice. Amazing Prommie.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

All Newt is asking is for America to help him lift this couch into his van.

emmelemm January 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"My dog got lost. Can you help me look for him?"

JimNauseam January 20, 2012 at 3:11 pm

DUDE! Dark!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Politifact rates this statement "mostly true."

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh, good Lord, Proimmie! That is just…so…what #winning looks like post Charlie Sheen!

On Wonkette!

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

COTD shit right there.

dadanarchist January 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I know you can't see me but I'm genuflecting with utter respect to the genius of this.

PhilippePetain January 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Best.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Y'all are too kind. It just sorta fell into place. Even the losers get lucky sometimes (actually not true, the rich kids will always get the hottest chicks).

Rotundo_ January 20, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I bow in gratitude for the presence of a genius. Not just a logical and amusing takedown, but a vivisection with flamenco dance around the table before the cream pie to the face. If we were on stage I would gather the roses and place them at your feet good sir, a magnificent performance indeed!

Pragmatist2 January 20, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Clearly one more divorce or, perhaps, an illegitimate child would put right up there with Jesus Christ and Mahatma Ghandi. Probably a step ahead of Mother Theresa.

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Wham! Bam! Thank you, America!

doubleohmonkey January 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

really, really tired of this sweaty festering bag of farts.

kissawookiee January 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

So it's confirmed that Newt's dick (1) is huge, and (2) gyrates, and (3) is equipped with a ring of rotating pearls and (4) deliciously tickly vibrating rabbit ears with (5) nine different intensity settings, all in easy-to-clean silicone? Because even with the half-mil line of whore diamond credit, nothing else comes close to credibly explaining this scenario.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Newt Gingrich. The Human Sybian.

CommieLibunatic January 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm

What do you think, Phillip?

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm

You know how a lot of people say "My goodness I just spewed Dr Pepper/coffee/San Pellegrino all over my monitor"? That's what just happened to me, but it was my lunch, my breakfast, my morning coffee, and my midday soda. Goddam was that fucking sickening. What a fucking mess.

Tundra Grifter January 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Didn't Dr. Bill Frist get himself into a spot of trouble "diagnosing" a person (poor Terri Schavio) he had not actually examined?

Isn't this a spot of malpractice on the part of this idiot? I'd rather be treated by Dr. Pepper.

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'd let Mr. Pibb treat me first (and he's no Dr.)

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Who is that amazing comedian – Mr. Pibb didn't even take the time to get his degree…

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (I was grave robbing that joke).

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And on that note..

Newt / Zsa Zsa 2012!

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Well, if serial fucking of other women qualifies you to be president, maybe the Republicans should draft Hugh Hefner to be their nominee.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Don't encourage them Baldar.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Wilt Chamberlain: Americas' Greatest Statesman.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

3 divorces… damn I'm pretty awesome.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Generation[redacted] is someone we can trust!

Dr_Zoidberg January 20, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is from the Onion, right? There is no fucking way this can be real.

Nesnora January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Keith is just really, really hoping for a chance to suckle that chubby bic-dick of failure. It's warm under the blubberous, sweaty flaps of an aging, hypocritical charlatan…

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Seriously? The guy's name is "A-blow"?

Pres.VerminSupreme January 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Ablow must have gotten his M.D. from the Troll Science School of Medicine.

Naked_Bunny January 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I was going to suggest we vote Gingrich/Palin because they'll both quit before the first term is over. But that would leave us with President Boehner, so ew.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

It would be great fun watching him cry, literally, every time the Dems filibustered one of his appointments/bills/etc.

OneYieldRegular January 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm

That may well be the gayest thing I've ever read.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

No gay would fall for this. This is the straightest fundie bullshit I've ever read.*

*Not really, I've read a lot of fundie bullshit.

OneYieldRegular January 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

My bad. I should perhaps have said "the most closeted thing" – it's the astonishing latent content of the piece that just screams repression. I'm surprised he didn't get around to describing how Newt looked in a pair of jeans.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Got it. So, this genius has determined that a mother who lets her 3-year old son wear pink nail polish is an unfit parent, that seeing a reasonably happy transsexual on TV will make our children turn gay, and now, that a serial cheater is clearly so irresistible that he has a lock on the White House.

Are we completely certain that Fox News isn't just a long-term absurdist performance art project? Has anyone tried to find out if "Keith Ablow" isn't actually the not-dead-after-all Andy Kaufmann?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Barack Obama has been married to the same woman since 1992, which suggests that he is dull, unimaginative, and unable to attract women. Clearly he has no business being President.

widestanceshakedown January 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Oh, the rationalizing of these people. Newt can have as many women as will fuck him and as many marriages as wives who will not share him (wretch, wretch), but it's only a temporary aberration for me to want to marry one man (whom I did not cheat on or abandon when he had cancer, thank you very much). Aaaaaaaarrgggghhhhh!

If only you all could see the steam coming from my ears right now!

Eve8Apples January 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"One minor detail to note here is that the “direction” of Newt’s heart was usually “away, as fast as possible,”

The organ Newt pointed away from his wives was not his heart. The heart is not located in the human crotch. Wonkette needs to brush up on anatomy.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I get daily tutorials on anatomy here at Wonkette. This is just a fluke.

starfanglednut January 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

"The heart is not located in the human crotch."

It's not? Then what's this thing in my chest?

BigDumbRedDog January 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I would love to hear the kind of excuses this guy gives to his wife after a long night of gay hookers and blow.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Gay hookers?! This just shows that our would be prez is attractive to a wide spectrum of people! Blow?! He wants to expand his horizons, see what ordinary folks and their "sobriety" miss! This is who we want leading us!

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The same as all the other assholes: I'm a sinner, but Jesus has forgiven me (for the millionth time).

Preacher_Griz January 20, 2012 at 3:17 pm

We don't need no elitist pop psychologist hair-brained "theory". It is obvious that God has given Prof. Speaker Newt Gingrich the gift of Smite by Love Juices. WO! to the Woman who resists his advances.

barto January 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Well I'm thinking chances are we're gonna catch him with Mexico or Canada somewhere during that first term, so…

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Coalition of the Willing?

Redhead January 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his money and Tiffany's credit line that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.
2) Two of these women were so greedy that the presence of another wife didn't matter.
3 ) One of them didn't care that Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time because he could guy her more plasticy looks in addition to diamonds.
4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he had found a younger model, quite awhile ago, but was just now getting the balls to tell them/it's their fault for not agreeing to an open marriage.

Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies, after he lies to them and deceives them for quite awhile, waiting until they're at a time of extreme stress/disease to tell them "hey I found something better." If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, then we must hope that Newt won't tell us, as we're getting nuked by Iran, that hey dude it's been fun but he found this other democracy, over in Asia somewhere, and you see, it's just younger and newer and more FUN, and it lets him do that newfangled Santroum thing all the kids are talking about, and well, all those "business trips"… well really, he's been a sort of second-in-command over there for awhile and it's time to make the whole thing official, so you know, hope you understand, and good luck with that getting nuked and the radiation and all that.

HarryButtle January 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

You know, I’m mostly a pacifist. But I’m pretty sure I could happily beat Newt Gingrich to death with a sock full of quarters and not feel a lick of remorse.

TheMightyHaltor January 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

By that logic, Henry VIII would be the best president ever.

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 4:55 pm

And he got about as much head as Newt, too.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Also less fat than Newt.

HarryButtle January 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Oh, and the third wife may not be "moved" by Newt as much as she's moved by his Tiffany credit line. Also.

owhatever January 20, 2012 at 3:29 pm

These are the same people — including Newt — who were ready to shoot Bill Clinton for liking sexytimes with women too much. Moralizing assh*les.

SayItWithWookies January 20, 2012 at 3:33 pm

You can take any moral position you like about men and women who cheat while married, but there simply is no correlation, whatsoever—from a psychological perspective—between whether they can remain true to their wedding vows and whether they can remain true to the Oath of Office.

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

Okay — so in one paragraph, Mr. Ablow says that one's marriage has absolutely no bearing on how they'll act in office. And then, in the paragraph immediately following, this fucking idiot says that he's analyzed Mr. Gingrich's marriages and this is what he thinks it portends for him as a leader.

In conclusion, Mr. Ablow ought to stick to his dumbass morality, because his fucking idiotic appeal to reason is so completely stupid it makes his morality look Solomonic by comparison.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I would be highly interested in hearing this douchenozzle's hypothesis on Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky.

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

He'd say that Bill just used her and didn't do the right thing by making her the new wife, like upstanding, decent and honest Newt did.

No, seriously, that's what he'd say. I've already seen this thought puked up in other comment sections. It's AWESOME.

natoslug January 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Ablow was much funnier when he was helping rob the Farmers and Mechanics Bank of La Grange.

Ablow: "All right, you hayseeds, it's a stickup! Everybody freeze! Everybody down on the ground!"
Old Hick: "Well, which is it, young feller? You want l should freeze or get down on the ground? l mean to say, if l freeze, l can't rightly drop and, if l drop, l'm gonna be in motion. You see?"
Ablow: "Shut up!"
Old Hick: "OK, then."

savethispatient January 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The only advantage of a President Gingrich is that he would definitely leave after he'd finished screwing us.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Ablow. Scoutmaster to the Weblow Boy Scouts?

BarackMyWorld January 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

This calls for a "Billy Madison" quote. You know the one I mean.

starfanglednut January 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

So: At least 3 women in the US have incredibly low self esteem, and incredibly poor taste in men. Wow. That's news to me.

LesBontemps January 21, 2012 at 10:23 am

Hey, that's how I've gotten most of my dates!

proudgrampa January 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That was the funniest satirical piece I've ever read!

Wait — it WAS satire, wasn't it?!?

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

This guy is the Dr. Mengele of morals.

BornInATrailer January 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Dr. Ablow is the mystery blonde to Newt's Concordia Ship of State.

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Newt has a twin? OH SHIT!

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Not a twin, just a desperate sycophant.

Dashboard Buddha January 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

From the picture: The bald dude looks like he's thinking, "I can't wait for my time with the boy!"

comrad_darkness January 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Mr. Ablow, Clinging this badly to your fucked up authoritarian belief structure has got to be a mental illness.

unclejeems January 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Ahem. Dr. Keith Ablow, Regents Professor of Bizarro Psychiatry, Fellow of the American College of Contradictions, Master of the Oxymoron, with an honorary doctorate from Liberty University in Republican Logic.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

an honorary doctorate from Liberty University

formerly "Mike's Discount Powertool Rental Shack"

Goonemeritus January 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

“He needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.”

Newt released his tax records yesterday; he paid about 31% taxes on over 3 million dollars of income. But the piece that really caught my eye was he spent around 20 grand on alimony. How the hell does someone with an income 3 million get away paying (0.66%) of is total annual income. Great financial price indeed.

Pithaughn January 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

"another nation, perhaps a little younger " Argentina, I'm looking at you! Keep your sultry perky Andes mountains and sexy accent away from mah man, I swear to all that is holy and good I WILL CUT YOU!

Pres.VerminSupreme January 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm

I was thinking something more like South Sudan.

comrad_darkness January 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

>in the direction of its heart

Right, his "heart". It is to laugh.

Also, surprise, the planet contains three women who loves them a man with a million dollar whore diamond account at Tiffany's. If the voters also love that to the exclusion of all else, we truly are well and fucked.

sezme January 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Fact:
Newt Gingrich's head looks like a giant Edam cheese.

Conclusion:
I'm just worried that with him as President, the poor will have too much to eat!

Troglodeity January 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

And consider the incredible stamina, memory and skill it takes to carry on an illicit affair for six whole years. We should all be begging Newt to deign to serve as our President.

whiskeybaby January 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

The front cover of that book should go straight to jail.

ShaveTheWhales January 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

stopthemovie January 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

So if Newt's elected POTUS (god forbid) then Callista still won't be the first lady?
Bummer she's got that lady bird Johnson thing going on.

Pithaughn January 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Oh , I get it. this feller is angling for a cabinet appt in the newt admin. "Secretary of completely making shit up"
former secretaries of making shit up include, Howard Baker, Spiro Agnew and Col Ollie North. History tells us that R admins have a huge need to make shit up.

Schmegeg January 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Newty actually said he dumped W2 because he loved America so much, or some such nonsense. I heard this from his voice, on the TeeVee. I would hate it if he cheated on us with say, Columbia. i would feel so cheap.

Why doesn't someone ask this creep 1) Do you believe the concept of Open Marriage, 2) Is your marriage open, and 3) If elected, would you allow girlfriends open access to the White House.

Has America the Sainted ever elected a complete Asshole as President?

Fukui_sanYesOta January 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Has America the Sainted ever elected a complete Asshole as President?

GWB?

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 9:01 pm

It's questionable whether he was truly elected. But Tricky Dick Nixon, no five-o'clock shadow of a doubt there.

PubOption January 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Newt was asked about his divorces and his request for an open marriage, during the recent candidates debate. His answer blamed the liberal media for everything.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Reagan was a royal asshole, and I think that Calvin Coolidge may have been one, too.

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Here's some more advice:

Overweight – Americans value body appearance. So stay inside or experiment with dangerous diet drugs if you have to. Or just kill your self and stop being a burden on the rest of us.

Depression – Is a sign of weakness. Be strong and hold your feelings inside as long as possible. Don't tell anyone about your problems – it only makes them sad too. Consider excessive alcohol or take up a dangerous hobby, like crocodile wrestling.

Autism – Is caused by chlorinated water. Try to develop an amazing mathematical skill like card counting if you can. If not its a good idea to remember the old "better seen and not heard" adage.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Impotence – Caused by Fluoridation, insidiously added to our water, toothpaste and, yes even children's ice cream by Communists. Saps and Impurifies our Precious Bodily Fluids.
Cure: only drink rain water and grain alcohol. Also, never give Women your Essence.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 20, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Bestiality – usually caused by atheism. Suspend your judgement and get god.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Woah! So, all those farmboys with the chickens in the back barn – are Athiests?

The More You Know!

Gainsbourg69 January 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm

This guy has titanium balls. I'll give him that.

Callyson January 20, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about the sanity of these three women, not whether we’ll be nutso enough to elect this man president.
/fixed

bravo_sierra January 20, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Weren't there women who wanted to marry Charles Manson while he was in prison?

ColonelDoctor January 20, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Stop stealing from the Onion.

PeaceWithHonor January 20, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Newt is to marriage as Sarah Palin is to elective office.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Newt:marriage::George W. Bush:elective office::Sarah Palin:intelligence

fuflans January 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

dear newt:

we've had our good times and we'll always have the memories, but you are a fat pompous hypocritical windbag with neanderthal politics and the sex appeal of termite larvae. so please, fuck off.

love,

the women in america to whom you have not been married.

Walkinwiddaking January 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it and becoming its president. And I think that is exceedingly unlikely."

I thought you guys were making this whole thing up but, there it was on the Fox News link. Unfuckingreal.

Gleem_McShineys January 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Wow, I want to play in this wonderful game too!

1) Facts are usually considered immutable, unchangeable, and reliable. They are the pillars of truth that make up the very basis of history, science, and common sense.

2) Certain pundits are able to bend these immutable facts to their will. They can alter them into shapes that, to some, look like pornographic self-fellating balloon animals. However, balloons are innocent toys, reminiscent of happy clowns and joyous birthday parties, therefore, harmless regardless of their shape.

CONCLUSION: Some pundits are more powerful than any heroes of history, or superheroes of fiction, because they can commute the immutable. Because they can do this with such ease, one should be thankful that they use this power for such obvious good (remember the balloon animals? The innocent, joyous ones?) so, in conclusion, you would do well to follow every bit of advice they bestow upon you!

How'd I do, Keith?

spends2much January 20, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Wow, you guys at The Onion outdid yourselves with this one. Oh wait…
Fuck me, you can't tell the parodies from the real news anymore. Besides which, this is the single funniest thing I have read in years.

dcjdjay January 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

If this SOB's logic is defensible, then Bill Clinton should be President for life.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Whatever the downside of such a reign may be, it would have at least spared us 8 years of bush.

Buckminster January 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Any man or woman who buys this turd sandwich with a side of douche-soda is dumber than dumb-de-dumb Perry. God, I can't believe the man's moral turpitude and I hope he is struck by lightning.
Oh, and yes, I hope Gingrich is also struck by lightning.

Mike Licht January 20, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Gingrich has lost some support, though.

See http://bit.ly/zMXKRa

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 10:30 pm

"was not exactly her equal in the looks department"

*eyeroll*
Oh, for Christ's sake.
This douchenozzle sounds like every ditzy, romance-novel-reading eighteen year old girl with a crush on her married boss, explaining that "Sure, he's married, but Mrs. Boss is fat/ugly/naggy/stuck at home with the kids/only 5 years younger than Boss instead of half his age/doesn't *really* understand him like Ditzy does".
The difference being that when you're eighteen, no one expects you to have a lick of sense.

starfanglednut January 20, 2012 at 10:38 pm

"We would need to worry that another nation, perhaps a little younger than ours, would be so taken by Mr. Gingrich that it would seduce him into marrying it…"

The implication being that his mistresses seduced him into marrying them, not that he had the morals of a toad. It's alway's a woman's fault.

tessiee January 20, 2012 at 11:22 pm

"he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation"

And it's just one more terrible, unjust cross to bear that the little people, with their humdrum workaday lives and their ordinary suburban worldview, wouldn't understand — couldn't understand — the great suffering that goes along with such a great love, because they, after all, aren't…
Newt!

a_pink_poodle January 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

HAHAHAHA OH WOW!

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 6:58 pm

What a revelation! There are women seeking a meal ticket who are amoral, sexually liberated, who want a meal ticket so bad they are willing to keep their beer goggles on 24/7! Thanks, Doc; how much do I owe you? Nothing? Great, worth every penny.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: