CANNOT COMPUTE WILL NOT COMPUTE  11:00 am January 20, 2012

Romney Short-Circuits Over Debate’s Tax Return Questions

by Liz Colville

this is my cherub face

In Thursday’s debate in South Carolina, the one where Gingrich soared, Romney stuttered, Paul sniggered and Santorum … was also there … moderator John King prodded the gentlemen with questions on tax returns, a segment that greatly overshadowed any attempt to remind people that Gingrich isn’t good at monogamy. King’s express interest was in trying to get Romney to either a) be bold, like his father, and release a decade or so of tax returns, b) self-destruct, or c) somehow get carried to safety by the little flapping wings of supportive South Carolinian audience members. The fun part was the contrasts that ended up getting drawn between Romney the barely-taxpayer and everybody else who pays taxes. Ron Paul said the main reason he wasn’t releasing his returns is because he’d be “embarrassed” by how little income he makes. “No one’s challenging me because I have no conflict of interest,” Paul said. Touuuuuch√©.

Watch:

When it came Romney’s turn, the candidate said: “If I’m the nominee the President is going to want to insist that I show what my income was this last year and so forth.”

This last year and so forth? DUDE. As he rambled on, however, he eventually said he would “maybe” release more years than just one. But Romney’s bridezilla-like feeling that everything will go exactly as planned if he remains continually in control still shone through last night. Unfortunately, while trying to maintain control, his server overloaded.

“I’ll put these out at one time,” he said, “so we have one discussion of all of this.” Unfortunately for him, the discussion has been going on all week, and it won’t end until he releases at least a half-dozen of the damn things. If you’re a rich man running for the presidency, unfortunately how you spend your money is one of the best indications of who you are.

Gingrich, who released his returns last night, was asked what he thought of Romney’s answer, and once again he came off like the only candidate with half a brain. Romney can do whatever he wants, he said,

But if there’s anything in there that’s going to help us lose the election, we should know it before the nomination, and if there’s nothing in there, why not release it? It’s a very simple model.

This was just one of a couple of instances in which the debate tackled the tax return question, and in the second instance, when John King reminded Romney that his father George released 12 years worth of tax returns when he ran for president in 1967, Romney didn’t do so well. In fact, he looked alarmed even when the only words out of King’s mouth were “back in 1967,” like, “Oh, crap, what happened in 1967?” (See figure 1 for the expression.)

Romney’s argument here was that releasing his tax returns would just make it easier for the Obama campaign to destroy him, and we don’t want that, South Carolina, do we? But that argument falls flat (even generating some boos), because if you’re not confident that you can actually come out the other side of a political campaign, if you’re not willing to put all your cards on the table, why even run? Why fool millions of Americans into thinking that you’re the best candidate to tackle the President? [CNN/Talking Points Memo]

 

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{ 206 comments }

ifthethunderdontgetya January 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

Poor Mittens. He pays hardly any taxes.

It's NO FAIR to Mittens!
~

iburl January 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

Because he's unemployed, and his folks aren't overjoyed.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Taxes are people, too, my friend!

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Yeap, cause just like people, they want to be paid

I bet religion related $$ is at the the center of all this avoidance. I trust the GOP to keep digging, as they in turn have their own god-agenda$ to protect.

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Maybe he DOESN'T tithe 10% like all the good Mormons do and he's afraid of even losing THAT vote. According to the census, 2009 median household income in Utah was $55,183. Giving away 10% of that would be a sacrifice for a family. Hilarity will ensue when they find out Mittens contributes less than even Donnie Osmond gives.

nounverb911 January 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

"that releasing his tax returns would just make it easier for the Obama campaign to destroy him"
And not releasing them will make it easier for everyone else to destroy him.

hollywooddood January 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

I'm thrilled to pay 30% income tax so Mitt doesn't have to.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I wonder. How many months do we have to work before we have paid Mitt's taxes? Isn't it usually 4 months or so???

RedneckMuslin January 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

It's Rmoney!

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

OK, THIS is great.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

I wonder what he put at the bottom of the form? "unemployed?"

EatsBabyDingos January 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

Maybe he sells Amway and is just too darn embarrased.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

I still think he's the "closer" at the Cadillac dealership.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I think he's been posing for cover art for the Mormon version of romance novels.

WhatTheHeck January 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Perpetual presidential pursuer.

Indiepalin January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

I wanna know what Newt puts at the bottom of his.

MozakiBlocks January 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

<must resist impulse to make Newt sex joke here>

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I (ad)mitt, I wish you wouldn't resist so hard.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 1:37 pm

blubbery historio-path.

Gleem_McShineys January 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm

tumescent indigna-goblin.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 20, 2012 at 11:29 am

P.S. That's his Reptiloid-impersonating-a-frog-that-just-ate-a-fly face, Liz.
~

MrFizzy January 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

Just because he makes more money on investments than the whole population of South Carolina doesn't mean people shouldn't vote for him. He's a rainmaker. Golden showers for the poors to be exact.

LesBontemps January 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Trickle down economics!

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Do pee points trickle down?

Toomush_Infer January 20, 2012 at 1:22 pm

No, dammit..,!

OC_Surf_Serf January 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

He only has about 15% of the answer programmed in his head yet…

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

He really needs to spend the full eight hours in his alcove to assimilate any new updates.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson…

Biff January 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Big Giant Head libel!

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Peoplez Republic of Boulder LIBEL!!!

starfanglednut January 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Somebody must have shut him down without thinking last night,

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Come on, that's almost full capacity, the republicans only have one multi-purpose answer, (I mean EXCUSE): It's Obama's Fault

Biff January 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

And tax cuts. They're a two-trick pony, as it were.

SexySmurf January 20, 2012 at 11:32 am

Ron Paul said the main reason he wasn’t releasing his returns is because he’d be “embarrassed” by how little income he makes.

And that's why everybody should invest in gold.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

True Paultards would be disappointed to see that he pays any taxes at all.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

You would thing that a real NWO Warrior such as Ron Paul would live by his convictions and refuse to pay his taxes.

Toomush_Infer January 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Yeh, he doesn't. Get it?…

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Yeah, like I'm embarrassed that he's running for the office.
I still wanna see 'em. Might change my thinking

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Ron Paul? Is that you?

EatsBabyDingos January 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

As Romney limps into South Carolina, maybe he could invoke St Ronnie with a slogan like "Win one for the Gimper."

FlownOver January 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

Free association time: With any luck Willard's future involves wearing black leather head-to-toe in the basement of a pawn shop.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

I'm gonna go Mitt-ieval on yo' ass!

Biff January 20, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Wrapped in an Iron Maiden, please?

Joshua Norton January 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

"that releasing his tax returns would just make it easier for the Obama campaign to destroy him"

Sounds more like he's afraid of an extended stay in the the Leona Helmsley Memorial Suite at his local federal prison.

Biff January 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I keep saying his worst nightmare is when the presidency of the LDS church finds out he's been skimping on his tithes, for which there is a convenient line on the Form 1040.

edgydrifter January 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

Volatile narcissist
Money-fueled tin man
Creepy guy in a vest
Emperor of Pautardia

Pick one, America. Go on.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

This is the only description of the primary that will ever be necessary. Says it all.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Pick one, GOP. Go on.

Toomush_Infer January 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

NO! Pick 'em all, Katie! Right up to November!…

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Pick one? I thought it was a haiku.

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I'd rather pick my nose.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:39 am

Pick one; I dare you, America.

ThankYouJeebus January 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

You just know he claims a Just For Men deduction. 1% sideburns!

Tundra Grifter January 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Mittens has basically been running for President for six or seven years.

And this is the best he got? Nobody around him had the guts to bring this up before?

I listen to him attempt to answer a question and I ask myself, "How did this guy ever propose to his wife?" It must have taken all night to just get it out.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

That's what she said.

MozakiBlocks January 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

"Snarf!"

(The sound one makes when trying not to spit coffee out of one's nose when laughing)

Terry January 20, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Arranged marriage. His father picked Mitt's wife out for him.

Graham Cracker January 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm

It took him even longer to get it in.

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 10:51 pm

It took him even longer to get it longer.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:40 am

Well, the magic underpants are a bitch to get off.

Banelm January 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Despite preparing for this campaign for most of the decade, it never occurred to him to take his money out of whatever shady tax dodges he's been using. He never expected anyone to seriously question him. Does that make him the dumbest man on the stage? Tough call, but maybe?

Chet Kincaid January 20, 2012 at 8:04 pm

In his defense (my God, am I actually typing that?), Mitt didn't know 6 or 7 years ago that the American people would begin to get a fucking clue about how people like him have been screwingg them over, instead of slavishly drooling at and attaboying over his lavish lifestyle. However, Mitt SHOULD have known by 2009.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:42 am

I can not imagine this hasn't been an issue. It was an issue the last time he ran. This is purely the fault of the candidate. I think more than anything else, this shows a personal flaw of his and that is his stubborness. It's displayed differently than the obstructionist tendencies of other GOP politicians, but it's just as much stubborness than anything else.

OC_Surf_Serf January 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Rich, bumbling fucks are people too, my friends…

Fare la Volpe January 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

To our dismay.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Yeah Willard, whatcha' got in there?

freakishlywrong January 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

Has he blamed Obama for this fiasco yet?

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

In a word: yes.

WunkRocker January 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

The Baptists of South Cakalakistan aint voting for no Moranmon. Untwist your majik underoos and show your tax returns AND your birf citeficakate.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:44 am

They are going through a moral dilemna, no doubt. They have their pick between two Catholics, a Mormon, and a crazy uncle who is not their brand and flavor of crazy.

EatsBabyDingos January 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

I had a dream where Mitt stood up at the debates and said "My name is Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht." Then, he put on a bunny costume, and Newt ate him. This confused me, because I thought amphibians didn't eat meat. What does it all mean?

MozakiBlocks January 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Stop eating chilli dogs before going to bed?

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Fundamentally, that's very profound. In a Saul Alinsky radicalism way.

oldmayfly January 20, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Amphibians eat meat–frogs eat bugs. It is the Elmer Fudd part of your dream I don't understand. I thought Mitt was Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Flies are meat, my friend.

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:46 am

Hell, there are some species of giant frogs that eat small mammals and lizards.

Toomush_Infer January 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm

It means you're not drinking enough before bedtime – try for stupor on the couch mode…

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm

You're in love with Rick Santorum. Next!

rocktonsam January 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

And in other news, the media claims Stephen Colbert is making a mockery of the campaign.

MozakiBlocks January 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

How can you make a mockery out of a mockery?

Guppy January 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

You hold a mirror up to it.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

That is one fucking large mirror!

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

Ok. Who tipped them off?!

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What was it before?

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Not the media, just "Newt the Younger" Chuckles Todd, up and coming young word-meister and turd-wrestler extraordinaire.

Goonemeritus January 20, 2012 at 11:42 am

Remember the days when we progressives would sit around in our communist coffee shops swilling Yerba mate tea in honor of Che Guevara. Oh how we would argue who would be the most formidable Republican candidate against Obama.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Those were thr days, my friend. Since few of us believe in luck, we're left wondering how O and friends could possibly fuck this up.

Not_So_Much January 20, 2012 at 11:42 am

I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a MittBot 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1947. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you….

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

…as he breaks into 'let's stay together'

MissTaken January 20, 2012 at 11:48 am

Newt, Newt, give me your answer, do,
I'm half crazy all for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage –
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'd look sweet on the seat
Of a bicycle built for two.

ShaveTheWhales January 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Newt, Newt, give me your answer, do,
I'm half crazy all for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage –
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'd look sweet on the seat both seats
Of a bicycle built for two.

HempDogbane January 20, 2012 at 11:42 am

Romney/Romney's Accountant 2012 !

Mumbletypeg January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

“I’ll put these out at one time,” he said, “so we have one discussion of all of this.”

Quality, Mitts, not quantity. Gawd knows how many of those holding office in this bungled excuse of a democratic union, are millionaires and more-than.. You're not so unique in your ilk's perception that prestige can be bought. It's how you occasionally feign the down-home, unbuttoned-collar/ "just-one-of-you-guys" vamping as if it will obscure the fact you're out to buy up all the prestige you think it necessary to be Presidential.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

I guess Mitt's part of that 47% of the population that the Repubs are always going on about how they don't pay any taxes.

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

BINGO! With that look of terror in his eyes every time the question comes up, that has to be the answer.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I can't wait til the fuckheads at work tell me that Mitt has paid more money in taxes in the last 10 years than I'll pay in my entire life…so it's all fair. He shouldn't HAVE to pay more, I'm the parasite for paying 30%.

WhatTheHeck January 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

I'm guessing he doesn’t go to H&R Block to get his taxes done as he might have one or two deductions more than the average guy.

Guppy January 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

The average guy doesn't have a good chance of owning H&R Block.

Chillwillard January 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

Mittens 9000 is long overdue for a system reboot.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

Tax returns are hard! Can't we just go back to endlessly spewing our stump speeches?

Tundra Grifter January 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm

actor212:

It's called a stump speech because everytime Mittens is asked a question it appears he's stump'd.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

Wasn't he born in Mexico?

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

He sneaks out to work at Taco Bell when no one is looking…

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 11:46 am

You almost fool'ed me by calling them "gentlemen"

prommie January 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

There is major dischord between the owners of the Republican Party and the members of the republican party. Owners want Romney, TeaTards want anyone but. Newt speaks better teatard than Romney (Add Racism to Reesentment, stir rapidly, whip into a froth)

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

If it wasn't for the teatards, the Republicans would have won the Senate with victories in Delaware and Nevada they turned into defeats; hopefully they can repeat that fiasco.

Not_So_Much January 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Wait, I thought froth was exclusively Santorum territory?

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Yes, Newt will have to take him as VP if he wants froth.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 11:49 am

The juxtaposition between Mittens almost stumbling into "I'll have my people check into it" and Sant Rum oozing on about figuring out Turbo Tax was priceless.

snackypants January 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I feel like Santorum should know he can store his documents on the cloud, so he can access them from anywhere.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Rick won't put anything in the cloud except for angels.

SudsMcKenzie January 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

So Mitts embarrassed by some of the things on his tax return like I'm embarrassed by some of the things on my credit card bills.

KenLayIsAlive January 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Mitt has a three-year subscription to <a href="http://www.fat-oldies.com” target=”_blank”>www.fat-oldies.com on his tax return?

Don't click the link!

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Thank you, Jesus, the link didn't work. I'll be able to sleep tonight.

MissTaken January 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

The MittBot 9000 definitely has the blue screen of death going on.

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 11:51 am

Can we please stop trying to divide this country by this foolish 99% to 1% thing and get back to dividing it by race?

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Shhhhh..you just told me Newt's strategy.

kissawookiee January 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

Mittens is just like his father (too bold)
Gingrich is just like his mother (she's never satisfied)

…and this is what it sounds like when democracy cries.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

I usually just turn off the baby monitor.

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I usually just put a pillow over the baby's face.

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Purple libel.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

But if there’s anything in there that’s going to help us lose the election, we should know it before the nomination, and if there’s nothing in there, why not release it? It’s a very simple model.

And if you're not a terrorist, you should have no problem with cavity searches at the airport.

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

FINISH THE DANG TAX RETURN.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I think we shouldn't be so hard on Mitt regarding this tax thing. I mean, I usually have to wait for my W2 and any 1099's to come in before I can figure out my taxes.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Oops! Broke the pencil point. Now he has to go buy another gold sharpener.

flamingpdog January 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I suppose it would be really stupid to insist on the long-form tax return …

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm

When we do see something, I'd bet my tiny return it's a "summary" and not an actual copy.

zappadoo76 January 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

If you’re not willing to put all your cards on the table, why even run? Why fool millions of Americans into thinking that you’re the best candidate to tackle the President?

Someone should ask John Edwards this question, at his trial.

Redhead January 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Someone should ask Newt the next time he whines about his many affairs and open marriages and such being no one's business.

Banelm January 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

And they both have great hair!! Its like some sort of narcissistic conspiracy!!

UpstateYorkee January 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

Mittens is just trying to hide the fact THAT HE WAS BORN IN THE CAYMAN's. Where's the bird certificate Mitt? Or should I call you WILLARD?

mrblifil January 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Actually there might be a possibility that he is an actual live Cayman.

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

"THAT HE WAS BORN IN THE CAYMAN'

Well, there is a Mormon motel there: http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/gcmgc-grand

Barb January 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

Palin tweeted of Rick Perry:
Rick Perry reflects the character of his great state: strong, tenacious, big heart. Good job, Governor. You are a true American patriot.

Isn't Texas the state that she bolted from, amniotic fluid leaking over 8 states, in 2 different planes so that she wouldn't give birth in Texas?

I think Sarah is against Mitt because he isn't a Christian and she's for Newt because she thinks there is a high level position for her if she does back Newt.

Fare la Volpe January 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Sarah Palin really admires a quitter.

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

When I was in Tex-ass, there was a story in the paper where a woman put Texas soil in a baggie under her butt, when she gave birth in Chicago, so she could say her baby was born on Tex-ass soil…

freakishlywrong January 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Isn't Texas the state that she bolted from, amniotic fluid leaking over 8 states, in 2 different planes so that she wouldn't give birth in Texas?
I can't stop laughing at this. I keep coming back to it and laughing my ass off and thinking: "It's fucking Texas, Barb, wouldn't you?"

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm

she's for Newt because she thinks there is a high level position for her if she does back Newt

I'm not sure Congress would approve of Newt creating the office of "Procurator in Chief" or "Lead Concubine."

ShaveTheWhales January 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Twat Czarina.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

High level position=Flat on her back with her ankles next to her ears.

thefrontpage January 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

Elitist Media, which publishes Elite, Elitist and Cinema Elite magazines, has obtained copies of Romney's speaking schedule for 2010, and it's very interesting Here's a partial list of some of the groups that Romney spoke to in 2010, receiving an average of about $15,000 per speaking appearance:

1. The Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgender and Bestiality Annual Convention, Key West, Va.

2. The Adult Film Industry Association's Annual Convention, Las Vegas

3. The Adult Magazine Industry Association's Annual Convention, Los Angeles

4. Flynt Publishing Annual Meeting, Los Angeles

5. Playboy Enterprises Annual Staff Meeting and Pool Party, Playboy Mansion, Los Angeles

6. Jugs Magazine Hoe-Down, Peoria

7. The Chicken Ranch Annual Halloween Party, Clark County, Nevada

8. The Adult Sex Toy Industry Annual Convention, New York City

9. Jenna Jamison's Jammin' Jamboree, Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas

10. Ron Jeremy's Annual Christmas Party, Los Angeles.

—Copywright, Elite Media, Elitetown, Orange County, California.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

So he was stalking Newt, even then?

Mojopo January 20, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I know the Mormons love to invest in casinos, so I guess I'm really not surprised at this speaking schedule. They have few problems with making money on our vices.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I think your information is inaccurate. I was at the Juggs Magazine Hoe-Down in Peoria.
Mitt Romney did not speak there. Either that or he makes one hell of a good Gallagher impersonator.

thefrontpage January 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm

This speaking list is not from me, but from Elitist Media and its subsidiary, Elite Media, which publishes Elitist, Elite and Cinema Elite magazines. They're located in Elitetown, Orange County, California.

mrblifil January 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

So Newt released his returns eh? That should be interesting given how he seems not to have held a job for a decade or so. Any word on whether his line at Tiffany's is still good?

hagajim January 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I think the Mittbot 3000 had a major "cannot compute" error here.

meatlofer January 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Well Mitts, if you can't remeber what happened in the sixties,maybe you were there?

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:38 pm

He was at boarding school, learning French.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The Cognition Lingusitic Interpolator Program has encountered an unexpected fault and will close. The Mittbot 9000 OS is searching for a solution to this problem.

Do you wish to send an Error Report to Murdochsoft?

philpjfry January 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

What I don't get is, didn't mittens think he would be asked about his tax returns? Is this really a surprise to him? dumb ass

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

These moFos don't care, they offer up another excuse and pretend it not really a big deal. After all, they are Average-everyFuckingDay-Americans.

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Seriously. If I ran for Tucson City Council I'd assume there would be interest in taxes I've paid, my voting record, and any "help" I've hired. I also expect somebody would call the FBI to get their spy file on me. How could anyone possibly expect to run for president these days and think they can hide their sex life, let alone what they pay in taxes.

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Oh, crap, what happened in 1967?

Mitt copped a feel of some Mormon side boob???

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

A spokesman for the Romney camp vehemently denies this allegation noting that Mitt never met Huntsman until the spring of 2007.

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 2:18 pm

It was actually an elbow.

Ruhe January 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

"But that argument falls flat (even generating some boos), because if you’re not confident that you can actually come out the other side of a political campaign, if you’re not willing to put all your cards on the table, why even run? Why fool millions of Americans into thinking that you’re the best candidate to tackle the President?"

I don't know! Ask John Edwards! He seemed to have a plan for dealing with that sort of thing.

Ruhe January 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

You do have to hand it to Newt. That dude can flat out debate. He'd kill in the British Parliament.

Fare la Volpe January 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Mittbot was so angry at its performance that it came home and killed Etta James.

It has violated the Laws of Robotics – flee, children! Flee!

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Listening to her, right now on Fresh Air.

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

*has a sad*

DahBoner January 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Something's Got A Hold On Me–Etta James

MWAAHAHAHAH! ROBOTZ HAZ NO FINGERPRINTZ

prommie January 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Will his tax returns show that he is a good Mormon, or a bad Mormon? Is he tithing, or is he not? Either way, there is no upside. The returns will either show that he gives 10 times the US average annual income to the wacky space alien mormon church, or that he doesn't abide by the tithing rule of his own church, bad either way!

deanbooth January 20, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Tithing only applies to earned income, right?

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

If Romney's not careful, he might start to look like an elitist, entitled out-of-touch douchebag.

widestanceshakedown January 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Release my tax returns? I'm running for president for pete's sake!

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Furthermore, I am appalled that you would ask something like this during the Presidential debate.

widestanceshakedown January 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Keepin' it despicable is how I roll.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

On stage looks like: The Younger Crazy Taller Republicans -vs- The Olders Crazy Shorter Republicans.

chandadeepti January 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

John Edwards almost got away with it in 2008! Why not Romney 2012?!? Right-o, Mittens.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Okay, Republicans have set the ground rules for a Presidential election: Tax returns are off-limits. Marital infidelity is off-limits. Birth certificate? Soon to be off limits as soon as a member of the horrible horrible liberal media asks a Republican for one.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm

If, if, ever I get the chance that is the first question I would ask of the R nominee. Seriously. I do think I am going to put up a website….asking it be shown.

BigDumbRedDog January 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm

"Does not compute. Does not compute. My tax return does not compute."

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Danger! Danger Mitt Romneyson! *mechanical arms flailing*

Callyson January 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Ron Paul said the main reason he wasn’t releasing his returns is because he’d be “embarrassed” by how little income he makes.
So much for the idea that he is campaigning as an "outsider"…

prommie January 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The line from Blazing Saddles was "You use your tongue purtier than a twenty-dollar whore." As the stupid person's idea of what a smart person is, Newt has the mouth-breathing pigfuckers entranced.

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What this about his father being a poor Mexican? Don't tell me he speaks Spanish AND FRENCH???

MissTaken January 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Weren't we sold on robots doing really awesome stuff like clean house, change burnt out lightbulbs, and answer the door for you when the Mormons come a -knockin'? This MittBot on the other hand is just a shitty boyfriend: leaves his dirty socks on the floor expecting you to pick them up and invites the Mormons in for some tea and cookies (that you baked) when you just want to watch Downton Abbey in peace.

prommie January 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

People have misconceptions about robots, they always think of a multi-purpose, human looking thing. We are surrounded by robots, but they are special-purpose devices that only perform one function. A breadmachine is a robot, so is a modern dishwasher. The robotic rerplacement for the human male was perfected some time ago, it is sometimes called a "Rabbit" or "Magic Wand."

prommie January 20, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Mittbot is an even simpler device, the plain old non-motorized dildo.

MissTaken January 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ah yes, and "Jimmy" has never left dirty socks on the floor.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

So I'm confused. Does this mean Mitt is a dildo or not? Because dildos can be fun, but he certainly does not fall into this category.

MissTaken January 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I don't know if MittBot is a dildo or not and I'm not gonna let him near my ladybits to find out.

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

The Mittbot was built for one purpose and one only: to run for office. It doesn't care about your needs or the concerns of the ordinary people.

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm

They better upgrade old Mittens to at least a Quad Core CPU before he debates Obama.

io9k9s January 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Only a quantum computer can help them now – maybe a republican plutobot scientist from the future is working on the Mitt problem as we speak…. Hmmm that creates a homeschool paradox – well Mittbot, your just SOL

prommie January 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Breaking News! Paultard Airship sighted in South Carolina, then cited by police for blocking traffic! Hilarity level reaching new highs in GOP Primary!

prommie January 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Paultard F-Troop commandos deploy Ron Paul balloon, its too good to be true.

WeHaveIssues January 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

The thing that sucks for rich people who run for President is that they have to pay attention to the little people when they ask for things. People they've ignored their whole lives. Once elected they can go back to ignoring the underlings again but there is that messy middle part to get through.

Welcome to your messy wet dream Mitt.

owhatever January 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I am not releasing my tax returns because its none of your fuckin' business. OK? And if you recall, dear old Dad lost that election.

io9k9s January 20, 2012 at 1:53 pm

nah you all are wrong entirely,
Mitt: wait oh no, i just did that..i just pooped during a national debate… Ughh get ahold of yourself Willard!! did anyone hear it? What would Father say – oh goodness, is Newt smelling it… Can I blame Ron Paul. uhh..Maybe.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Can't wait till someone starts digging into his Cayman Island millions.
Bwahahahahahah!

anniegetyerfun January 20, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I'm actually one of the few people left in the world who doesn't think that politicians should have to release their taxes. I'm kind of impressed that any of the "small government" candidates (haha, except for Paul, there really is no such thing) would even THINK about doing such a thing.

Paul can kiss my ass with his excuse, though. Cute, but not remotely true. I'd rather he say "It's none of your goddamn business how much I earn and what I do with it."

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:57 am

Yeah, we shoud totally not mind politicians hiding their dirty financial dealings from us. Fuck us for wanting to see very basic records of our public servants.

anniegetyerfun January 21, 2012 at 9:37 am

Everyone should be able to hide their dirty financial dealings – if the IRS catches them, then so be it. Running for office should not mean turning your entire life over for public scrutiny (unless you are a “moral majority” kind of pol who is cheating on your third wife or whatever).

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 11:29 pm

We'll just have to disagree. As I see it, asking for a politicians finances is not the same as rummaging through his or her bedroom. Dirty financial dealings usually end up hurting multiple victims; dirty sex lives are usually consensual, so that doesn't much matter to me.

Nesnora January 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

He's just worried the American people won't understand that his hair helmet is a legitimate dependent.

Troglodeity January 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Romney says he needs THREE MONTHS – until April – to release his tax returns.

I'll make this real simple for you, Mittens:
1. Go to your file cabinet.
2. Take out your returns.
3. Copy them.
4. Release them.

Ten minutes, tops.

Jukesgrrl January 20, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Yes! THOSE are the ones I want to see. The old ones. Not this year's, that an army of accountants is working on to make you look normal.

Schmegeg January 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

George came back from Vietnam and complained that our generals tried to brainwash him. Thanks for playing.

It appears brainfarts are genetic.

ExecutorElassus January 20, 2012 at 5:00 pm

hee hee! This is just like what happened with Gephardt and Dean in the 2004 primaries, only now for a good cause!

"I may go down in flames, but at least I can take you down with me."

So long, only remotely viable candidates!

twborl January 20, 2012 at 8:25 pm

What we REALLY need to see is All of their Tax Returns, Especially from the other Real Crook Ron Paul !!!

Negropolis January 21, 2012 at 1:32 am

I thought the most awkward thing about that exchange is how he both seemed to shamelessly disown a positive part of his father's legacy, and then put a creep, little Dubya laugh to cap it all off, as if he'd just made a joke. It was painful to watch and left me feeling angry. He just doesn't get it.

BTW:

“No one’s challenging me because I have no conflict of interest,” Paul said.

No, Doctor Paul. No one is challeging you because you simply don't matter as far as your party is concerned. They aren't afraid of you; they hold an even more dangerous emotion towards you: sheer and utter ambivalence.

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Not too proud to take a page from Barry's playbook, Mittens had decided to break into song the next time he fields a question about his taxes. So far, he's leaning toward a Lee Greenwood favorite. Santorum is considering "We Are Sinking Deep in Sin", Gingrich will no doubt do Cash's "I Walk the Line" and Paul will no doubt do Patsy Cline's "Crazy". I can't wait.

ShaveTheWhales January 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I've always found "shithead" to work pretty well.

horsedreamer_1 January 20, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Well, it was Mark Sanford who was sparkin', so I guess Mittens is the Werewolf.

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