GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:00 am January 20, 2012

If You’re Not Whiplashed You’re Not Paying Attention (Which Would Have Been a Good Idea Yesterday!)

by Matt Langer

CHUCK TODD ILLUSTRATES HOW WE ALL FEEL ABOUT CHUCK TODDNEW YORK—It’s a rare thing in the business of 24-hour political pontificating, but every so often the relentless onslaught of inane prattle issuing forth from somewhere in the vicinity of that horrifically manicured hair growth attached to Chuck Todd’s face actually manages to congeal into something sensible. Moments like this are quite rare! And so it’s an occasion worth noting when what amounts to the Halley’s Comet of professional punditry comes circling around the beltway in one of its trademark 76-year appearances. Here’s what Chuck Todd said: ”Books about this campaign will have chapters simply titled: ‘January 19th.’” Which is a fine way to summarize everything that happened yesterday! (Even if you’re not the sort of person who thinks Mark Halperin has any business whatsoever writing books about presidential campaigns.) Because really: where even to begin?

We’re going to do our best here to summarize everything that happened as briefly as humanly possible. We strongly urge our readers to feign something like an auctioneer’s voice inside your heads while reading the forthcoming paragraph so that it all goes faster/hurts less.

Ok, so! Mitt Romney officially didn’t win Iowa; funnyman Rick Perry dropped out; polls showed Gingrich taking a lead within the margin of error in South Carolina; overnights later showed Newt Gingrich taking a commanding six-point lead in said Carolina; Sarah Palin claimed that Newt Gingrich’s philandering would prove an asset; Herman Cain officially endorsed all three hundred million or so American citizens apparently running for president; Mitt Romney developed something of a Cayman Islands problem; Newt Gingrich floated the idea of asking Sarah Palin to join his (HYPOTHETICAL, please, dear god, LET IT BE HYPOTHETICAL) administration; Mitt Romney snapped at a communist; Rush Limbaugh suggested that sex addicted adulterous hornballs probably deserve government disability benefits—and then how did the President choose to celebrate a day in which every last one of these goofballs all but assured him a victory in November? Duh, by going to Disney World!!

Oh, and one other thing: another debate happened. And this one actually mattered we think? Since, short story, John King is a kind of a stooge? Because think about it: in the many months of Newt Gingrich’s candidacy the man hasn’t actually succeeded in resonating with voters except when he’s playing the role of Professional Media Victim and attacking the Elite Establishment Press Corps. That’s it! The guy has never managed to muster up an applause line except on those occasions when he’s lecturing journalists (or black people). So then what do you do when you’re John King, moderator of a kind of important last-minute debate in a volatile South Carolina political landscape? You probably don’t lead with an invitation for Newt to attack you? And manufacture a scenario in which Sarah Palin is actually right about something/anything? Ugh. But he went there! And so the guy who singlehandedly perfected the politics of personal destruction ran away with a commanding victory within the first five minutes of last night’s debate—if not also running away the South Carolina primary and maybe even the whole nomination and god help us who the hell knows what else—by, yes, lecturing John King on the politics of personal destruction! What an amazing spectacle it is to behold, watching Newt Gingrich, rich person, heckle rich people for being rich, and watching Newt Gingrich, personal destructor extraordinaire, lecture journalists on the politics of personal destruction.

Good morning, America! Here we are! You all now occupy an actual, undeniable, non-fictional reality land in which Newt Gingrich now leads in South Carolina by six points and every last pundit on the TV this morning is speculating that Newt’s going to win this thing and parlay his momentum into a victory in Florida and maybe even onward to the convention.

TL;DR: Thank god it’s Friday! We’re going to go drink heavily now. Good day. And good luck! To all of us.

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 197 comments }

Troubledog January 20, 2012 at 9:03 am

Annnnnnd I'm spent.

tcaalaw January 20, 2012 at 9:08 am

I have mixed feelings about the possibility of Gingrich winning the nomination — on the one hand, I think he'll be easier than Romney for Obama to beat, on the other hand, that means ten and a half more months of staring at Newt's ugly face and listening to his bleating voice.

Texan_Bulldog January 20, 2012 at 9:12 am

Wonder where Mitt's SuperPAC is that killed Newt in IA? They better get hopping–the big day in SC is tomorrow!

Mojopo January 20, 2012 at 9:32 am

Most people will not vote for a moody, obese men for president. Many are my friends, some are comedians (these things are assets for comedians), but a fat crabby guy in politics (or at the office) makes people have the sads. Factor this in when calculating the worth of Newty G as the nominee. Put away his erratic record, the cheating and lying, and you get a man that is physically and emotionally repellent. Pres. Obama made McCain look older and crazier every time they debated, and when I think about Newt against the Pres., I get the happies.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

One thing that the dumbing down of America via television has certainly guaranteed is that we will never have a fat, ugly president ever again.

Mojopo January 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

Arguments can be made that while video killed the radio star, YouTube made him cool again. People watch American Idol and amateurs on YouTube in great numbers, and I don't think it's a form of protest against beautiful, handsome pop stars and hip hop magnates. They like average looking people who can belt it. But that's entertainment and we love underdogs. Politicians do not have the same leeway entertainers do.

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

Now Grover Cleveland is sad, too.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

Somewhere, William Howard Taft's ghost weeps.

valgal2342 January 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

Don't tell Chris Christie that.

Guppy January 20, 2012 at 9:38 am

The good news about a Gingrich victory is that Obama will just be able to phone it it.

The bad news is that "phoning it in" is exactly why we're frustrated with Obama in the first place.

PsycWench January 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

After hearing Palin's voice and staring at her it-got-kinda-ugly-after-a-while face all through the campaign for the 2008 election, it does seem that we should get a break.

fuflans January 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

she is not aging well. and by that i mean looking more and more like a man in make up.

fuflans January 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

i was thinking the same thing. then i remembered that even mittens has managed to fry my very last nerve over the past week. i think it comes with the territory.__plus: newt is a walking disaster.

tihond January 20, 2012 at 9:08 am

Surprised Rush didn't slip in "Some of use were tempted by young Dominican boys."

tcaalaw January 20, 2012 at 10:06 am

The Dominican Boy Lovers Society is offended by your association of Rush Limbaugh with their noble group and demands an apology.

Texan_Bulldog January 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

So the takeaway is: Newt Gingrich Continues to be a Massive Boil on Humanity's Ass

chascates January 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

I'm appalled anyone would ask a serial adulterer/liar about something that happened in his past!

jodyleek January 20, 2012 at 9:27 am

Hypocrisy Part 2: Mendacious Boogaloo.

Biff January 20, 2012 at 9:10 am

Mourning in America, indeed.

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 9:11 am

Oh please, let Newt get the nomination; it's not just that he'll be easier for Obama to beat, but that with such a loser heading the ticket the races for the Senate, the House and local contests will be pushed further to the Dem side.

Nesnora January 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

…and announce Sarah as his running-mate/next wife.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Newt is black?

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 9:12 am

Enough with criticising Romney on the Cayman Islands thing. He likes to keep his money in a warm climate where it's more comfortable in winter – and can enjoy a nice swim from time to time.

swordfis January 20, 2012 at 9:18 am

Hey! That man's a jerb creator! (In the Cayman Islands)

Biff January 20, 2012 at 9:30 am

It really only takes one person to keep the locks and hinges of the P.O. boxes lubricated.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:09 am

Probably in India and China, too.

jodyleek January 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

Tax shelters are people too, my friend.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 9:32 am

If you think you have a better place to put my money – China, Russia, North Korea – I'd like to hear it.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 9:52 am

Why do I now think that Mittens has banked money in China, Russia, and North Korea?

Biff January 20, 2012 at 10:01 am

Because capital is fungible and knows no boundaries, and because mittens is a skuzzy douchebag?

comrad_darkness January 20, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Me too, that's why I wasn't sad when I lost that fifty four cents in change out of my swimsuit pocket that one time on spring break.

MrFizzy January 20, 2012 at 9:13 am

Why do people like Todd think all this nonsense is so interesting and profound? The whole thing is just big daisy chain of dogs boning each other in the ass.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 9:28 am

You mean to tell me a big daisy chain of dogs boning each other in the ass is not "interesting and profound"?

MrFizzy January 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

You may have a point – I guess it depends on the dogs. In this case it's a bunch of rich, overfed white dogs, which could be profound under the right circumstances, say, if you had drunk half a bottle of single malt and had a few really zippy tacos al cabeza.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 9:56 am

This probably says too much about me but….WIN!

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Didn't you just answer your own question? This is Todd we're talking about.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 20, 2012 at 9:13 am

Last night I finally reached my limit: after 45 minutes, I just couldn't listen to those vile mindless thugs anymore, so I turned it off.

Oh, and Newt? "Grandiose' is not the same as "grand"… or even "significant."

Chichikovovich January 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

[Shhh... Don't tell him. Listening to Mr. Ideaman Professor, PhD misuse words and misstate simple matters of historical fact is so entertaining.]

Newt – If you're reading this – don't listen to Dr. Hellbinder – around here we know he's a notorious leg-puller. "Grandiose" absolutely means the same as "grand". And so does, um, "vainglorious". And, ah, "self-aggrandized".

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 11:12 am

Uh, Newt…the word you're looking for is "Grotesque."

You're Welcome.

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 11:22 am

I'd go with "Egomaniacal," but yes, Grotesque works just fine.

HarryButtle January 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

45 minutes? I can't even watch 45 SECONDS!

Iam_Who_Iam January 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I didn’t get the grandiose reference so I did a bit of browsing and found this:
http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidentia

Wow. Just wow.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 12:52 am

Who the fuck is Cheri Jacobus? Glenn Beck's succubus?

Iam_Who_Iam January 21, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Yes. Yes she is, without a doubt:
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/0112/jacobus.php

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Wow. What insight. And I notice that JWR is still linked to Tony Blankley, even though he's dead.

freakishlywrong January 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

Where, dear God in heaven, is my time machine?

Chillwillard January 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

I don't wanna live in a world where people still listen to what Chuck Todd and Sarah Palin have to say. Happy Hour can't come soon enough…

ph7 January 20, 2012 at 10:06 am

You can't not listen to Todd. He lives in my neighborhood, and he buys his whatever at the local Harris Teeter. Every time I've seen him there, he is quickly walking the aisles, in a cashmere overcoat, talking on his cell phone too loud the whole time, from the moment he enters the store through the self-checkout line. He doesn't acknowledge anyone, but likes being heard.. He's above the morass of humanity, because he's Chuck Todd, deciphering the world of politics for the world.

Chillwillard January 20, 2012 at 10:33 am

Sounds like he could use a good bitch-slap (or two).

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:52 am

He won't feel it, thru all that fat.

slithytoves January 20, 2012 at 9:15 am

Newt Gingrich floated the idea of asking Sarah Palin to join his (HYPOTHETICAL, please, dear god, LET IT BE HYPOTHETICAL) administration.

Are you kidding? Gingrich/Palin would be fucking awesome. And I don't actually use that word unless it's true, i.e. dread, wonder, and beauty. You know, fucking. I wouldn't have to spend October knocking on doors. It's cold here.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

Hell, he'd probably be fucking her within a week of his inauguration, if past performance is any indication.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 9:41 am

He just loves America that much.

comrad_darkness January 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

He just loves *himself* that much.

Dashboard Buddha January 20, 2012 at 9:47 am

Sarah would only let him bed her if it were on a carpet of $100 bills.

She wants to come into money.

Edit: Upon deeper reflection, what Sarah expects to be 20 minutes of unrestrained ecstasy, would most likely be 20 seconds until Newt triggers followed by 20 minutes of unrestrained gloating.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

Fitting, since the only position that she is qualified for is on her knees or bent over a desk.

Nesnora January 20, 2012 at 10:44 am

I beg to differ. She wore control-top panty-hose under her running shorts… that's not being qualified for sexytime, just an infection.

*shudder*

Dashboard Buddha January 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

sourdough indeed.

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 10:07 am

Yeah, but he'd still be getting pushed down the stairs within another three – probably hastens things, even.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

Imagine a fight between Palin and Callista over Newt. No, come to think of it, don't imagine it.

LesBontemps January 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

Gross.

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 11:25 am

No no. Cage match, Thunderdome style. Accept no substitutes.

fuflans January 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

see i have to say, in spite of make up with a trowel and helmet head of death, neither deserve that toad.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

Yeah, I can see that since the current wifey and Sarah have the same middle birth name, he might get confuzzled enuff to freak her (Louise)

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

Ewww. My middle name is Louise, too. I think I have to change it.

HateMachine January 20, 2012 at 9:16 am

Seriously, there's nothing meaner the national media could have done than airing the ex's interview, and never, ever asking Newt Gingrich about it, so that he wouldn't get to do the speech he'd been practicing for days.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I brought up the fact this AM that Newt shouldn't have been surprised that the media has brought up the fact that he's a serial adulterer, and just wait until they start talking about the fact that he had to resign from Congress because of 85 ethics violations.
I was informed that none of this has anything to do with how he would run the United States.

freakishlywrong January 20, 2012 at 9:16 am

I know it's a really high bar, but conservative audiences are even bigger racist assholes than the alleged candidates. WHO the fuck are these people?

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 9:22 am

My (semi-normal) sister tried to get tickets to the upcoming Jacksonville debate ("might be fun") – and was told you had to volunteer for the local Republican committee in order to get on the LIST to POSSIBLY get them.

Mumbletypeg January 20, 2012 at 9:23 am

Sorry if this has been said before. But the whole scene resembles nothing so much, to me, as a setting wherein spectators fancy themselves just viewers of a warped derivative of Survivor. As with contrived reality-drama or whatever the genre's called, you root for a favorite and more often than not the "bad guys" become more endearing to the audience, much as soap opera vixens/ villains you "love to hate." And then the whole thing devolves as one after the other gets "booted" off the national stage (in the form of 'bowing out' but still), after seeing initial ratings spike (Bachmann's straw poll victory, which never gained traction afterwards; Perry jumping on board last-minute and the "favorable" ratings catapulting him into the momentary lead, which was only a reactionary hootenanny from the fickle crowd to something "exciting" one of the clown contenders done did.)
It induces brain-hurt every time I think, and ponder what my grandparents' generation would've thought etc., that the majority of lunkhead voters populating these sectors, take the race for the highest office in the land as no more distinguishable from a variety show that is turned on once a week and given credence enough to cheer like you're at a Nascar race at a pack of hobgoblins running circles in the sand. Truly, it sickens me — but I look at the pervasive entertainment culture of today, and the weird melding of news <<–>> entertainment, and that's what we're stuck with for now I suppose.
(Day-umm.. I didn't even get to address the 'racist' part of your comment; oh well!)

BerkeleyBear January 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

Eh, I blame Andy Jackson and his whole populism movement. That was probably the last time elections in this country were driven by anything other than a freakshow mentality. Of course, before him any veneer of restraint was just a byproduct of an elitist cabal divvying up the country amongst themselves, but at least it seemed more polite from time to time (excepting the nasty Adams/Jefferson Federalist/Democrat feuds of the 1790s and early 1800s).

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 10:56 am

The Jerry Springer Show Audience Farm Team.

OKthennext January 20, 2012 at 9:17 am

Look under your seats, its tickets to Disneyworld!!!! And a fifth of tequila.

tcaalaw January 20, 2012 at 9:37 am

I would have attended the debate for that!

johnnyzhivago January 20, 2012 at 9:18 am

Mitt better divorce that wife and cook up a hot affair in the next 2-3 days or he's toast!

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:12 am

He's Mormon. No divorce is needed. He can marry another one, just like his grandpa did.

freakishlywrong January 20, 2012 at 9:18 am

Jesus, that picture. A toadie and a tool.

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

I know a lot of folks bitch about how he hasn't lived up to everyone's expectations, but I think it's going to be fucking great having Barack Obama as our president until January 2017.

FlownOver January 20, 2012 at 9:40 am

I can recommend a couple of specialists to address your evident LES (Lowered Expectations Syndrome) issues. Be sure to ask your doctor about Settlex™, available only by prescription.

* Some people have experienced disorientation, rectal discomfort, and mild to moderate death after taking Settlex™. Be sure to tell your doctor about any instances of starvation, hypothermia or satisfaction with the mass media, as these may be signs of permanent systemic collapse.

Chichikovovich January 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

Contact your physician if you experience an erection lasting over four minutes while taking Settlex™.

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

Things should improve over his first administration now that he seems to be learning that he can't or shouldn't try to work with Boehner and the gang. Just end run them and watch them cry.

SorosBot January 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm

And there's the hope that the results of the Congressional election means he won't have to work with Boner and the gang; though the Blue Dogs will still be bad I'm sure.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

The Blue Dogs got voted out in 2010 and some of them even finally formalized becoming Repulicans, so they aren't a big factor, now, and probably won't be down the road. Their time was up. 2010 stopped them from pretending.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I wake up everyday, thanking the dieties that we aren't discussing the Democratic Primaries and who will end up running against Vice President Palin for POTUS.

Sue4466 January 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

Gingrich should win the GOP primary. He is a living embodiment of today's GOP: A hypocritical bloated windbag who confuses the insults and adjectives he hurls around like confetti with stunning intellect. A self-righteous family values marriage preservationist who gets standing ovations for shrieking at a moderator for daring to question him about his infidelity and attempt to have an "open" (aka, let me fuck you and whoever else I want) marriage. Someone incapable of understanding the irony that his own campaign proves his statement "the politics of personal destruction are making it so decent people can't run for office." A man who appears to have no gainful employment, yet who lectures the poor on having a work ethic. A hate-monger & race-baiter who claims to love Jesus. He really does live IOKIYAR.

And, he's living proof that politics is nothing but a team sport. Policy, ethics, values don't matter. It's all about your team winning.

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 10:11 am

It only saddens me that your awesome post won't fit on an easily readable bumper sticker.

I am considering having it tattooed on my forehead, though.

unclejeems January 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

Well said, but you had me a "hypocritical bloated windbag."

Mrspanky January 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yep, circumstances forcing the GOP to settle on Newt would be awesome.

It looks like Willard will have to reveal his money laundering and tax evasion tactics if he plans to make it to Tampa. But I bet he drops out of the race before he will let the evil, mainstream media get a detailed look at his finances.

The "Santorum Surge" happened weeks ago and is already leaking oil. Besides, he has no money. Florida and its 10 expensive media markets to contend with, will drain his campaign coffers dry.

Ron Paul's campaign, like a cockroach after a nuclear attack, will survive to Tampa just to piss people off. However, Paul is unelectable.

That leaves the GOP with Jabba The Newt: The mean, old, ugly, uncharismatic and ethically-challenged Washington insider whom the Tea Baggers claim to hate, but actually fear and admire.

Barry is a shoo-in come November.

Nostrildamus January 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm

You forgot to mention Herman Cain's pending resurgence.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

And a Professor of Revisionist History.

ThundercatHo January 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

You hereby win the nomination for Comment of (my) the Day.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Well said, a comment of the day, indeed. Gad, that I could memorize this comment to pull out of my ass when people start going on about this toad.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 1:01 am

Brava!

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 9:20 am

OT: Anyone see Barry sing a bar or two of Al Green, last night? It's making the rounds on television. Hide yo wives, America!

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

And after Rick Perry requested The Camptown Ladies.

Texan_Bulldog January 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

Made this lady swoon…

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

Me too, no diiamonds necessary

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm

That, there, is a campaign sign should the toad win the nomination:
"Barry. No diamonds neccessary."

Chichikovovich January 20, 2012 at 10:50 am

Just keep him away from the Barry White, or I may not be able to let Chichikovna out of the house.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 10:56 am
DemmeFatale January 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

Thanks for that!
(I especially love the blocked comments.)

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 11:41 am

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP!

comrad_darkness January 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Nice play, 9gagger…

Barb January 20, 2012 at 11:00 am

I just went and watched it. He's so impish and cute.

mayor_quimby January 20, 2012 at 11:09 am

Seriously, this is not makin me look any better with the GF, tone this shit down until after valentine's day Barry!

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

I did and it was Pitch Perfect. Awesome.

MozakiBlocks January 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

Barry is just cute as a dickens sometimes.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 9:26 am

It's a great day in South Carolina!

weej_bain January 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

Rush Limpblow thinks Newter is the frickin' victim. As it takes a grifter to really know a grifter, it takes an adulterer to really know an adulterer. Which speaking of Newtie's adultery defenders, say Todd have you keepin' track of Lou Sarah's whereabouts?

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 11:45 am

I don't want to wish death on anyone, but I also won't be unhappy to hear the news that the heart of this morbidly obese walking bag of amoebic dysentery finally exploded.

weej_bain January 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

this morbidly obese walking bag of amoebic dysentery

Which one, or both?

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

*flips coin*

EatsBabyDingos January 20, 2012 at 9:36 am

Newt in private: "I want to screw every chick who is not my wife."

President Newt: "Now I get to screw the rest of you fuckers." Honestly, the man reminds me of "Weird Science" when the crappy older brother gets turned into a a goo oozing, gas passing blob of Rushlimburger cheese.

coolhandnuke January 20, 2012 at 9:37 am

The "freedom" over/under utterance for Mitt (R)Money was 13. I bet the under…fucker owes me ten bucks.

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 9:37 am

There were two questions asked last night that got right to the point. We've been discussing the Newt question here and it was obvious he'd been practicing an answer for days. However, the other question was for Mitt and it was obvious he didn't have a clue how to answer it. Tax returns/off-shore money got "uh, uh, uh."

And by the way, the audience (and probably most voters in SC) thinks wife number two got what she deserved for fucking around on wife number one by having Newt start fucking around with number three. So, all her complaint did was arouse sympathy for Newt that the media was picking on him. I know this makes no sense, but that's the reality of it. These people believe there's a liberal media out to get them and so when the awful truth about what an asshole Newt is actually comes out, they think it's an attack on one of their own and circle the wagons. Newt knew this (hell, he's probably responsible for it) so when the question came out, he knew exactly what to say.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

You didn't even have to explain that last part. The applause and standing ovations spoke volumes. Though, I would say it had less to do with what they thought of Mrs. Gingrich #2 or any of the wives, in general, and more to do with the fact that that party circles the wagons like no other when the "liberal media" is involved.

Newt could have shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, and if John would have asked him about it, they'd have booed him.

Steverino247 January 20, 2012 at 9:46 am

Hell, he could have been blowing goats in church and if John had asked him about it, they'd have booed him.

Dashboard Buddha January 20, 2012 at 9:45 am

Ahhh, the not-so-merry wives of Gingritch

BerkeleyBear January 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Don't forget that South Carolinians basically did the same thing with Mark Sanford, a guy who used state funds to knock boots in Argentina. It was stunning to me at the time that he served out his term, but he actually got more popular as time went by and his supporters could turn against the media.

smashedinhat January 20, 2012 at 9:39 am

More and more I find myself sitting in stunned silence. It's Newt Gingrich for fucks sake! How can any thinking human applaude that dishonest opportunist?

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

No thinking human can. Thinking is not a requirement for joining the GOP.

LesBontemps January 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

Plus, he is this week's Not Mitt Romney, which gets applause all by itself.

EBGrey January 20, 2012 at 9:46 am

Here in the DC Area, we used to have the Foxchase Theater. It showed main line Hollywood movies right along side XXX adult films. With his Cayman Islands problem, it's as if Mitt got caught heading into the theater. He may claim that he was going there to see Toy Story 3, but everyone knows that's not why folks went to the Foxchase.

finallyhappy January 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I have been to the Foxchase- on a "fieldtrip" with 6 friends to see the only porn I ever saw in a theater- Debbie Does Dallas. Good times!

prommie January 20, 2012 at 9:50 am

it reminded me of Palin's rallies/lynch mobs where she would go off on the eeeleeet liberal media so hard that the members of the press feared for their safety.

donner_froh January 20, 2012 at 9:51 am

Gingrich makes Warren G. Harding look like a model of personal morality and financial responsibility.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 10:05 am

Teapot Dome scadal libel!

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

Gingrich makes Warren G. Harding Caligula look like a model of personal morality and financial responsibility.

Also too.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I find it despicable that the liberal media would ask Caligula about his personal life.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

It's widely known that the Liberal Media are Atheists and don't understand that Caligula's been Forgiven by Apollo for all his sister-fucking, murdering wastrel ways and so is beyond any criticism.

OneYieldRegular January 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to Disney World.

To drink heavily.

Redhead January 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

HOW are Gingrich and Santorum actually serious candidates? How the hell did this happen and what is wrong with people?

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

GOP primary voters only nominally count as people.

Nothingisamiss January 20, 2012 at 2:03 pm

But unfortunately, not as 3/5 of a person, as they would have others be counted.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

Boy oh boy, yesterday was an exciting day huh. I wonder what today will bring?
MG’s predictions of the day (It Could Happen)

Santorum will be caught on video spanking his wife for not getting pregnant from their yearly intercourse.

Perry will invest 95% of his fortune in corndog futures.

Gingrich will confess to having a secret Canadian family with 9 children and 3 Mormon wives. He will blame the media, his overworking for his country and his excessive need to love for which he will be loudly applauded by a large group of retards.

Mittens will say stupid boring shit until his kids cry and his dog runs away.

Ron Paul will confess that he has had severe Alzheimer’s for the last 50 years but hey, it worked for Reagan.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 10:05 am

Gingrich will confess to having a secret Canadian family with 9 children and 3 Mormon wives. He will blame the media, his overworking for his country and his excessive need to love for which he will be loudly applauded by a large group of retards.

Ha!

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

How's Willard's dog going to run away from its cage strapped to the roof of the car?

ifthethunderdontgetya January 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

We’re going to go drink heavily now.

Holy FSM, Matt. It's 9:53 AM already, I'm waaaay ahead of you.
~

coolhandnuke January 20, 2012 at 9:54 am

…overnights later showed Newt Gingrich taking a commanding six-point lead in said Carolina.

Don't rule out Santorum just yet. He could pull off four successive on side kicks, five hail marys, three safeties, a hat trick, a grand slam, a hole in one and a sacrifice and he'd still be a touchdown behind.

LetUsBray January 20, 2012 at 10:17 am

And we know what'll be oozing out of that hole in one…

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 10:25 am

Maybe he should *tebow* before and after every debate?

elviouslyqueer January 20, 2012 at 9:56 am

God fucks us all, every one.*

*with sincerest apologies to Charles Dickens

Terry January 20, 2012 at 10:04 am

"Sarah Palin claimed that Newt Gingrich’s philandering would prove an asset; "

Of course she did. Sarah is part of a long family tradition of shotgun marriages and out of wedlock babies. She also screwed around on Todd with his partner in the snowmobile, uh, snowmachine business. None of this has hurt her bank account, the most important thing, so why would philandering hurt Newtie?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 11:21 am

Republicans are good at screwing others and America

BigDumbRedDog January 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

And yet I feel like I missed absolutely nothing while playing computer games under ten inches of snow for the last two days.

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

I don't know…. maybe I'm too easily entertained, but Sant Rum blowing the microphone, Mitten's deer-in-the-headlights look when asked about releasing multiple years of tax returns, and the audience refusing to let thoroughly-spanked-by-Newt John King ignore Ron Paul was worth the couple hours that I half assed paid attention.

coolhandnuke January 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

Ten inches of powder can freeze up ones joystick.

BigDumbRedDog January 20, 2012 at 10:35 am

Ten inches of snow in my neighborhood is liscense to kill and eat your neighbor.

coolhandnuke January 20, 2012 at 10:41 am

I did that once after ten inches of Peruvian marching powder.

BZ1 January 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

Newt's response: not me, it's the media!!!

philpjfry January 20, 2012 at 10:18 am

Let me get this straight, Newt is APPALLED that he was asked a question about his ex wifes remarks, he was APPALLED that presidential politics should involve answering questions about his character. He gets APPALLED pretty easily for an arrogant bullying jerk. Santorium rails against anything fun. Explain to me to me the difference between Santorium law and Shiria Law. Like i said yesterday, they are all cocksuckers. And not in a good way

Monsieur_Grumpe January 20, 2012 at 10:28 am

Is it possible to be APPALLED to death? Just wondering.

SudsMcKenzie January 20, 2012 at 10:18 am

I don't know whats more frustrating, Fuck Toads rambling over analysis of useless minutia without ever coming to a conclusion, or Andrea Mitchell's attempts to make it through an entire sentence.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 10:19 am

A visit today from Sara Benincasa would make everything so much better.

OC_Surf_Serf January 20, 2012 at 10:27 am

Now, a visit to my place by a scantily dressed Giada De Laurentiis would be even better…

Barb January 20, 2012 at 10:31 am

Yeah, no one wants Paula Deen anymore now that she's finally admitted that she's been a diabetic for years. Tyler Florence for me, please.

OC_Surf_Serf January 20, 2012 at 10:49 am

Wait, people wanted Paula Deen?

She'll be doing a Cooking on Scooters show soon enough.

Barb January 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

Maxim magazine named her "hottest Chef"
Have they never seen Nigella Lawson?

DemmeFatale January 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

Deen, Shmeen.
Did you see Bourdain's, (High Priest/Chef of snark), tweet about her?
Something about how he first wants to go into the leg-breaking business, and follow it up by making crutches. https://twitter.com/#!/NoReservations/status/1592

GOPCrusher January 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Anthony Bourdain has nothing good to say about any other chef/cook that is on TV. He's got issues with Paula Deen, Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay, etc.
Anthony Bourdain loves him some Anthony Bourdain and that's as far as it goes.

Mumbletypeg January 20, 2012 at 10:29 am

Benincasa's book will be out next month! Something to look forward to during the chilly season.

natoslug January 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

A visit from Sara Benincasa would make everything better every day. I'm ready with the bubble bath if she wants to interview me.

finallyhappy January 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I follow her on Twitter(but just started this week)

lulzmonger January 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

It's not Wonkette, but would you settle for these?

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

Newt's January 19 diary:

Dear Diary,

Wouldn't you know it? Today, she decided she wanted to talk about the open marriage…

chicken_thief January 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

Was anyone else as shocked as me that Sant Rum is not all for internet freedumz?

hagajim January 20, 2012 at 10:32 am

I just love that these dickwads can run as the holier than thou party – until someone exposes the fact that they are all a bunch of hypocrites – and then they get offended. Fuck off – all of ya.

teebob2000 January 20, 2012 at 10:32 am

John King allowed Newt take down his pants, grab his balls, slowly saw them off with a dull, rusty bread knife before then stuffing them down his throat, causing him to choke to death on them. What a motherfucking stupid pussy.

First, he shouldn't have made that the 1st question. Tactically dumb. And with Newt, it's a war against the media. You have to think like you're fighting one.

Second, he should have fired back that Newt has positioned himself as a Christian grandfatherly paragon of virtue while he's got all this incredible shit in his history which people shouldn't forget. A leopard don't change it's spots, people. Should have also brought up the history of unbelievable hypocrisy, such as leading a presidential impeachment based on marital infidelity (and the lying thereof) while himself carrying on an extra-marital affair.

And third, Newt's assertion is that his 2 daughters and their friends from that time have all denied this happening. What the FUCK would his daughters and their friends know anything about such a private conversation between a man and wife unless one of them then extemporaneously told everyone about it afterwards?

John King is a monumental fuckwit. I hate Newt as much as anyone but Newt fucking pwned him.

Chichikovovich January 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

Very true. Now I'm hoping that the Thin-Skinned Toxic Salamander says around long enough to inflict more damage on Romney, so I was glad things went the way they did. But yes, King committed a screwup of Bill Buckner proportions there. Really, the only way to handle that was as a tacit follow-up [Chess legend Nimzovich used to say "The threat is more powerful than its execution."].

Fr. instance, just quote this bit from an old TSTS speech:
“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history? Will they actually like young people to learn that George Washington was an ethical man? A man of standards, a man who earned the right to be father of this country?” Then add some quote about how character matters in leaders, blah blah, that's why this is important, blah blah… from when he was leading the charge for Clinton's impeachment. Then just ask: Is it still your view that investigating the personal character of prospective presidents is an important part of a voter's job? [Craft the question a bit more artfully than the heavy handed form I've just given.]

Now Newt will know full well that if he defends his old quotes, mentions George Washington again, etc. he is walking into an ambush. He's then setting himself up for the killer followup. But he can't disavow that stuff either – disingenuous "liberal morality" bashing is one of his go-to pitches. Then watch him writhe. Use the follow-up only if he sets you up perfectly.

That's what Nimzovich would have done.

teebob2000 January 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

"it's" – what a dumbass. Temporarily crazed with venom.

fuflans January 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

i… oh just… gross.

lizcolville January 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

that was fun!

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:46 am

This is da very reason why I'm home on sick Leave today drinking cold medicine. Think imma need another case.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 10:50 am

I went to Newt's campaign page to tell him he is a hypocrite.

ShaveTheWhales January 20, 2012 at 10:56 am

Too late. He already knows he's a hypocrite. But he also knows that Republican voters don't care.

Generation[redacted] January 20, 2012 at 1:10 pm

(standing ovation from Republican voters)

actor212 January 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

In my cups, I decided I really want Ron Paul to win the nomination and then Tebow the convention

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

Is this really what the last days of the Roman Empire looked like?

Those poor fuckers.

jus_wonderin January 20, 2012 at 10:55 am

Astute observations. I, for one, am praying for a Borg invasion.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

I, for one, would welcome our non Fuck-Toad overlords.

Chichikovovich January 20, 2012 at 11:44 am

Well, let's see:
312: Emperor Constantine converts to Christianity, subsequently declares the empire Christian.

361 to 363 Emperor Julian ("The Apostate") recognizes the crumbling of the Empire, and attempts to return to paganism and classical Roman virtue to stave off collapse.

379-395 Emperor Theodosius: (Re-) Established Christianity as the state religion.

410: Sack of Rome by Aleric the Visigoth

455: Sack of Rome by Geiseric the Vandal [you should have seen how he could rock the mic]

476: Romulus Augustulus deposed, last Roman emperor (in the Western empire)

In short: one thing that the last period of Rome featured were a lot of people in power devoting attention and effort to making the citizens Christian, while failing to address fundamental problems causing the decline.

So I'm thinking the answer to your question is yes.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Pretty much It. Nice to have a real Historian amongst us. Thanks.

Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"

Gingrich, "Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free"

DustBowlBlues January 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

Ahem . . . there were a few of us online with "our" wonket, except none of the official wonket was here, so we had a sort of free-for-all wonkchat during the "debate" while, I hear, some of us (initials DBB) compensated for the eye and ear burn that much mean-spirited and/or dickishness causes by eating Kettle Chips and large sized Conversation Hearts. (And not those modern Sweetheart brand with their green apple green when everyone knows green is lime or mint.)

Old news. Mittens spit on his old man's integrity, Rick sounded like the deacon in the fundy church up the road and Newt was just Newt.

C_R_Eature January 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

Hanging out with The Wonkeratti – the MST3K of Political Commentary – was the only thing that allowed me to watch that travesty last night without going permanently Mad.
Well…that and distilled spirits, of course.

…and Newt was still the same Festering Blow Toad that Newt's always been.

real_dc_native January 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

I want to go to Disney World!

rocktonsam January 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

YAY, FOX NEWZ supports adultery .

This is good news for Doocy.

proudgrampa January 20, 2012 at 11:24 am

Is Chuck Todd sharing with us his age, or his IQ?

natoslug January 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

The media should just provide Newt with what he is asking for: No coverage, ever again. I'm sure he'll be pleased as punch.

owhatever January 20, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I'm waiting for a moderator to go rogue all over Newt. This hypocrite lays every problem at the straw man of the liberal media. The liberal media wasn't present when he was porking his blonde mistress in the bed of his sick wife for six years, after dumping his first sick wife. Nor was a reporter in sight for those 13 years of the Herman Cain affair. They did not set up multiple accounts in the Cayman Islands to dodge taxes. They did not name their Texas ranch "Niggerhead."

Newt and the rabid right needs to look up the definition of the word "reporter." Just cause you don't like what they report does not mean it isn't true.

BarackMyWorld January 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Everyone's freaking out because the question about Gingrich's ex-wife was the first question, as if there's some historic precedent that the first debate question has to be a softball or something.

HeadsIWin January 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

That answer was well rehearsed and pretty well performed. He knew it was coming.

Schmegeg January 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

If the damn Republicans had let S Carolina go in 1860, problem saolved.

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Nice pix, alt cap: "Dumb and Dumber".

mayor_quimby January 20, 2012 at 11:11 am

Nigella can get it, to put it politely.
I do wonder wtf her hubby does for a living that he's always home before dark?

Barb January 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Funny story, GOP. I was at Caesar's Palace, making some sports bets and my husband pointed out that Bobby Flay was about 10 feet away. I started to walk over to him to say "hi" and stopped and said, "Wait, I hate Bobby Flay." My voice carried really LOUDLY and I felt like a jerk.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Yeah, it seems less snark than just sheer resentment, bitterness, and smugness. After he went after Paula Deen the way that he did, he completely lost whatever snark cred he may have had.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2012 at 12:55 am

We could have that in Lambeau Field, too. More job creation for Wisconsin.

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