REPUBLICAN FAMILY VALUES  1:20 pm January 19, 2012

Newt Gingrich Was Aspiring Polygamist in Nineties, Ex-Wife Says

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Special 'Newt' discount if your wife is ill!

The density of swollen piglet Newt Gingrich’s sleaziness is apparently such that there are still, ten years later, more awful details of his second divorce that America had not yet learned: ex-wife Marianne Gingrich told ABC News that before Newt left her, he asked her to just be cool about the whole affair thing and try sharing him with other women. This sounds like the sort of argument that Newt concluded with a whimpering, “but that’s how Thomas Jefferson’s marriage worked, in history!” And now, today, no one in America is laughing harder than Marianne Gingrich, because this sordid little revelation has won the news cycle timing jackpot and immediately reduced Newt’s endorsement from Rick Perry to sullen ashes.

Keep your barf bag nearby:

In her most provocative comments, the ex-Mrs. Gingrich said Newt sought an “open marriage” arrangement so he could have a mistress and a wife.

She said when Gingrich admitted to a six-year affair with a Congressional aide, he asked her if she would share him with the other woman, Callista, who is now married to Gingrich.

“And I just stared at him and he said, ‘Callista doesn’t care what I do,’” Marianne Gingrich told ABC News. “He wanted an open marriage and I refused.”

Marianne described her “shock” at Gingrich’s behavior, including how she says she learned he conducted his affair with Callista “in my bedroom in our apartment in Washington.”

“He always called me at night,” she recalled, “and always ended with ‘I love you.’ Well, she was listening.”

And just in case your breakfast is still managing to cling for dear life to your stomach walls, the Washington Post dug up this excerpt from the speech Newt Gingrich gave the day after he told Marianne he wanted a divorce because he was having an affair:

“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history?” Gingrich told the women’s group. “Will they actually like young people to learn that George Washington was an ethical man? A man of standards, a man who earned the right to be father of this country?”

Ha ha, and this is why a space cultist and his moon underpants will be able to win the Republican nomination this year. [ABC News/ WaPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 251 comments }

nounverb911 January 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Newt's a Mormon?

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Newt is all about Bringem Young (credit to Barb on this one, I believe).

GuanoFaucet January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I think you misspelled "moron".

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Is it "moran" or "moroni"?

Steverino247 January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Moronic: Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.

walterhwhite January 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Ha ha. I drive by a huge Mormon temple on my way home (near Belmont, MA) and always give a shoutout to the Angel "Moron."

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 2:01 am

"Moroni" is the Italian translation.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Fuck, I really do not want to have to think about Newt Gingrich's sex life; how gross.

Terry January 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The idea that he got at least three women to have sex with him is both repellent and unbelievable. I guess we found out how he did it when the whole Tiffany's thing came to light.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:33 am

His sex has no life, therefore, the Mrs said, "Get me some rocks and I'll rock with you."

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"I'll tell you what I'd do with a million dollars, man: two chicks at the same time!"

- Newt

Urban_Achiever January 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Newt: And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Rick Perry: Well, not *all* chicks.

Newt: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

Rick Perry: Good point.

Tundra Grifter January 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

CW:

Sorry to be the one to tell ya, Newt. But one million wouldn't be enough. You're no Hugh Hefner.

Swampgas_Man January 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Well, Newt's got more than 1 million now; so how many babes are crushing their gag reflex for a shot at him? WHO WANTS TO FUCK A MILLIONAIRE?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:53 am

Swampgas_Man, for that – +Bonus Points

RavenRant January 20, 2012 at 7:38 am

Viggo Mortensen or Clive Owen, yes. Newt? There aren't enough whore diamonds in the universe.

Lucidamente1 January 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I thought sharing was for socialists.

yrbmegr January 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

They're just women, after all. What's the big deal?

Wilcoxyz January 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Before he said he wanted a Chevy instead of a Jaguar. But now it's sounding like he just wanted to keep the Jag in the garage.

FlownOver January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Apparently Marianne wound up willing to let him Jag off.

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

As a previous Jag-u-wer owner, I can attest that you'll always need at least two: one for the road and one for the shop.

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 2:42 pm

What is it about Brit Cars in the youth of so many assumed reasonable people. Drove an MG-TC for a while in Pittsburgh over the cobblestone streets (many gone now). Would let off a date and say, "I'll be in as soon as I put these parts back on."

Biff January 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Mine was a TD with no side curtains. When it rained, the passenger's job was to operate the windscreen wipers manually because it never had enough manifold vacuum to do the job. Fun car, other than that.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Gingrich (ˈɡɪŋɡrɪtʃ), n.

Philandering, hypocritical lard-tub with an aversion to blahs.

actor212 January 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

He's thinking of changing his name to "Swingrich"

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:39 am

Ain't nothing swinging but the rent.

I think his name ought 2B "RingRich" cause you know, he negotiates diamonds for sex and other stuff.

Baconzgood January 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Thomas Jefferson’s wife was dead. Try again Dr. History.

Lascauxcaveman January 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Also, it make a difference if you actually own your girlfriend. Then it's OK.

Generation[redacted] January 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

How much did Jefferson spend from his Tiffany credit line, for his?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:40 am

…and MORE THAN ONE…

Mahousu January 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Said with the right tone, that could be an effective threat: "You know, Marianne, Thomas Jefferson's wife died. Is that what you want?"

Plus, Newt probably thought he owned Callista. Until, that is, he found out that she was Tiffany's property.

Generation[redacted] January 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

He should have taken Mitt's advice and parked her in the Caymans.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

When caymans get big enough, they could totally take out Calypso.

smashedinhat January 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Some day, when we all least expect it, the camera will catch Newt's tongue whipping out and licking his eyeball. I mean, what else could explain this repugnant little poison bag getting any?

proudgrampa January 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Where is David Icke when we need him?

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Power as aphrodisiac.

Why else run for the presidency than a desire to have enough power to trade Callista in for a newer model?

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 7:46 pm

The all-new 2012 Callista Hybrid. Unmatched Blowjobs-Per-Diamond in her class!

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 2:06 am

Efficiency!

MozakiBlocks January 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Good God, but that's a horrifying mental image to give your fellow Wonketteers. Have you no mercy?

smashedinhat January 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm

No. I trap mice for a hobby. When I'm not turning in my empties. and donating blood.

Swampgas_Man January 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm

If you pay for it in cash, you're a john; if you pay for it in diamonds, you're. . . well, you're a RICH john.

starfanglednut January 19, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I know. I can't believe that fat bastard had 3 wives, and I can hardly get a date.

KenLayIsAlive January 19, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Gain 100 lbs and start talking about history.

Though honestly it never worked for any of my history teachers since grade school so…you know. Buyer beware.

smashedinhat January 19, 2012 at 7:39 pm

My history teacher played the (s)trumpet!

TeaNuts January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Just when we thought things were going to get dull, can we throw some dirty, dirty sheep into the mix?

Lascauxcaveman January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I'm thinking pigs. Dirtier and Newtier.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

A warthog with skin ailments and a productive cough seems about right for Newt.

meatlofer January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Newt's favorite movie?" Old Sweller".

DahBoner January 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I cried when I saw Old Sweller…

Goonemeritus January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Newt the swinger, imagine for a moment you are the poor women pulling those keys out of the bowl. If there ever was an event that would change a life and demand a long period of introspection that has to be it.

SexySmurf January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Ladies, please, there's enough Newt go around.

Literally.

Beowoof January 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I think they would have to go around Newt. An orbit if you will.

RedneckMuslin January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Yeah, he's got women orbiting around him from the gravitational pull. Calista was just a Nibiru.

Trinket January 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm

EW EW EW

Seriously, how the fuck does this guy get any tail, much less enough to have problems handling it?

That said, when are we going to find out about his current mistress?

jus_wonderin January 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"There's plenty more letters in the alphabet."

donner_froh January 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

When he sits around the house he sits AROUND the house.

Nostrildamus January 19, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Not only enough to go around, but enough to make a perfectly spherical ball.

tealsheart January 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Pimp Daddie Gingrich! Has a high sexDrive. I'll have to be pretty fucked-up to even think about it.

Smoke it if ya got it

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Believe me, I am no fan of Newt's, but come on, Marianne – he left a cancer stricken woman for YOU. Why wouldn't he take a shot and see if you'd be cool with him boning Callista, and whoever else, on the side?

DemmeFatale January 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Yeah, CT.
She was "shocked?" Really?
That's a bit rich.

pdiddycornchips January 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Whateves, she timed it perfectly. Newt's a douche but we've always known that. What will all those Evangelicals, who, it must be said, are barely more literate than a common wombat, do now? They might not read too much but they have opposable thumbs, they can work a TV clicker. How will they react? They have to choose between a Catholic true believer, a Mormon and Newt. The first one actually believes what he says which is scary. The Mormon is scary because you can't believe anything he says and Newt, who's problem is the people that know him best
hate him the most.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I don't get that. Have they never heard "a man who will cheat WITH you will cheat ON you"?

Mariecohn January 20, 2012 at 12:10 am

As my husband was fond of saying, The man who marries hismmistress leaves a vacancy!

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 2:08 am

The Rule of Two!

Gingrich is a Sith Lord.

nounverb911 January 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

KBJ, can we please please live blog the interview, please?

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Nothing says romance like getting banged by a fat fuck of a toad while he's on the phone to his current wife.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

It's all for true love – of diamonds.

And ugh he is such a fat fuck; these mental images are really disrupting my sex drive.

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Seriously. We need a Michelle or Barack post stat.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Mmm, now thoughts of Michelle's fine body, that can get me roaring again. And those two are both so good looking; you know they've got a happy sex life.

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I love when there's pics of Barack watching Michelle give a speech. He looks at her like he's still amazed she chose him. So adorable.

emmelemm January 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Stars in her eyes….

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"Yes! Dear! Half! Gallon! Of milk! I LOOOOVE U….."

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

She knew for sure he was adulterizing while on the phone because he always farts when he's done.

Toomush_Infer January 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Shame! Shame on you….this sir, is past the pale….my brain kind of melted into turdjuice at this one…

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Jiminy Cricket!

I need to go find my happy place after that.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm

For what it's worth, folks, I really did hesitate before I hit 'Submit Comment'.

tealsheart January 19, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Damn. Had different effect. I laffed, cause I know his azz trading diamonds for sex. No! for head. (can I say that here) Just laying there like a tub of lard. The Mrs. Newt, (who by the way surgicaly alter her face – so that he would never be able to see how disgusted she really is, so let's not make it worst for her by laffing at it), she has to do it with the lizardLikeCreature, she always stares at her diamonds, focusing on what is important, as always. Been there, done that. That last part, I mean.

As Ms. Tawd Palin would say on such an occassion, “There are no coincidences”. And I believe her, she's proven it time and time again. still.

Negropolis January 20, 2012 at 2:11 am

she has to do it with the lizardLikeCreature, she always stares at her diamonds, focusing on what is important…

Ha! Good one.

Not_So_Much January 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Explains why the FemBot Callista has eyes that are expressionless and dead inside. She's seen things nobody should ever have to see…

jus_wonderin January 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Well, there are parts she required a microscope for so she brought that on herself.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Maybe that's why Newt requests two bathrooms while he's on the road. One for each woman for the after-action cleanup.

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

We all know Newt is a hate n' bile filled corrupt goiter. But, really, what's Callista's excuse for this christian behavior?

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Gawd musta told her everything would be ok if Newt ponied up a line of credit at Tiffany's.

Beowoof January 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

So she is easily distracted by shiny rocks.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:25 pm

"she is easily distracted by shiny rocks"

And tiny cocks?

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Again: Protestant marriages don't count.

DahBoner January 19, 2012 at 6:15 pm

3 reasons:

Money, money & money.

OkieDokieDog January 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Marianne is just a disgruntled ex-employee! er… I mean ex-wife.

Tundra Grifter January 19, 2012 at 3:35 pm

So far, none of the GNoPee presidential candidates have turned up any grunted ex-wives, girl friends, mistresses or victims.

flamingpdog January 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Oh man, this thread is getting so bad that I couldn't even read your comment without thinking "Newt" and seeing disgruntled. Excuse while I barf.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Newt, common courtesy suggests that your should bring up the topic of an open marriage before sleeping with someone else, not after doing so for six years.

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

As we all know, asking for forgiveness is always easier than asking for permission.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

But in Newt's case there was no forgiveness given; I hope the alimony was high.

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

And impeaching a Democratic president while you're lobbying for an open marriage an cheating on your wife. Really, for fucks sake.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Think Bill will be sitting on his couch in his apartment, watching the interview while enjoying a cigar, and laughing his ass off?

Ruhe January 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

How would that conversation have gone? "Honey, I've been thinking…I'm such a douche bag and all that I think maybe…"

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

It probably would have started out something like: "Hey, Marianne, remember back when my first wife was in the hospital and I was fucking the shit out of you? Well, fundamentally…."

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Besides being a fat turd, Newt's such a hypocrite that I'm guessing it went like:
Newt: Boy, that Bill Clinton sure is a scumbag!
Wife: I guess.
Newt: Imagine a guy who cheats on his wife!
Wife: Yeah.
Newt: I mean, you'd be against a guy cheating on his wife, right, Honey?
etc.

IceCreamEmpress January 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

No wonder he's so obsessed with time travel and alternate universes!

He's just trying to get to that one universe where Newt Gingrich isn't an irredeemably corrupt sack of bile who pulls a grand slam of the Seven Deadly Sins every day before breakfast.

(What he doesn't know is that in that universe, fetus-Newt's chromosomes got scrambled and his job is rearranging shopping carts. He's still the best Newt Gingrich in the multiverse, though.)

Swampgas_Man January 19, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Take it up w/ Dan Savage, Newtie.

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Oh, and my libido is curled up under a chair, whimpering and begging for a do-over.

SayItWithWookies January 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Newt wanted his wife and his girlfriend to share him so they could each have half a man — as it happens, that's what Callista ended up with anyway.

PeaceWithHonor January 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Vote for One:

Ayn's Racist Love Baby
Frothy Mix
Semi-Humanoid
Sleazier Than All-of-the-Above

Biel_ze_Bubba January 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

If they put "none of the above" on the S.C. ballot, the results would probably be hilarious.

Designer_Rants January 19, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I love the brevity, but some days I prefer descriptive nicknames, too.

Vote for One:

Rascally Ron – Ayn's Racist Love Baby (Now: More Paranoia)
Religious Rick – Bedroom Closet Peeper, Beastiality Storyteller
Mittens – Semi-Humanoid Corporate Entity, Draft & Tax Dodger
Nasty Newt – Skillful Liar, Sleazier Than All-of-the-Above

RedneckMuslin January 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Maybe he meant they could both share the chore of tying his shoes because you know that fat fucker can't do it himself.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

On the one hand, this woman was wronged by a lying hypocritical slab of ugly, on the other hand, SHE'S SEEN AND TOUCHED NEWT'S DICK, SHE MARRIED HIM AS HIS SECOND WIFE, SHE IS INSANE.

walterhwhite January 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

ewww! She touched his d**k. Just threw up in my mouth.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

That's what she said.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

That's nothing — Newt's dick threw up in her mouth.

KenLayIsAlive January 19, 2012 at 7:25 pm

ew

Beowoof January 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Well Newt has nailed the swinger vote. Literally?

yrbmegr January 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I wonder what else Newt has nailed lately.

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Newt the Hound Dog SURGES into the lead!!! Sorry, I don't know how to embed the link, but both Rasmussen (who cares?) and PPP have him ahead of what's his name – the guy that finished SECOND in Iowa, in SC polling.

The swinger vote, perhaps?!!!

Baconzgood January 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

If Callista was a-ok with it then, it stands to reason that now…..*shutter*…I think I'm going to be sick.

Tundra Grifter January 19, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Heck, it was probably Calista's idea.

emmelemm January 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm

She's a Devout Catholic, you know.

nounverb911 January 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

So now that Newt's married to his mistress, who's Newt screwing now?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:50 am

Karma is fuckkkkking him and she hates Tiffany

Baconzgood January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I find this difficult to masterbate to.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:46 am

See if you had a Tiffany's Line of credit, you would NEVER have to masterBate, cause like Newt, you would have the bait

FlownOver January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Looks like Newt warmed up for his conversion with a few Acts of Perfect Revulsion.

MiniMencken January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

This is exactly the sort of thing that gives heterosexuality a bad name.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:49 am

He is favoring Tinky-Winky a bit on that billBoard.

LabRodent January 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Fuck Newt! not literally just Fuck Newt.

Beowoof January 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Washington was an ethical man, he just liked banging the slave chicks. Gets cold out in the slave quarters though and I heard he got sick from being out there naked.

IceCreamEmpress January 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Either you misspelled "Jefferson" or you've been reading more interesting books about Washington than I have!

Beowoof January 19, 2012 at 9:50 pm

There are descendents of Washington's slaves who claim that George fathered his only son with one of their ancestors. The story was George was always out in the slave quarters banging the help and led to his getting sick. Most historians don't buy the story.

arihaya January 20, 2012 at 1:02 am

Founding Fathers like big butt, and they cannot lie

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:28 am

Lots of 'em were shaped like The Newt!

Radiotherapy January 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

And to think he did it all for his country, a true patriot.

lefty74 January 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Too bad he wasn't Newtered as a pup. His old man said he used to take half hour showers, use up a half bottle of shampoo, and come out with dry hair.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 2:06 am

I just got it.

Tundra Grifter January 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Sheer InSannity's idea of defending Ole Newt is "Hey – his wife wasn't dying of cancer when he served her the divorce papers! She's still alive."

Oh. Well, that makes it all OK, now doesn't it.

Is anyone else getting such a kick out the ringing endorsements coming in for Ole Newt? "Nobody's perfect." Or "We know all the problems with all the candidates." Or "Old news."

This is the guy they think is qualified to be President of these United States?

Finally, I'm sure Ole Newt is thrilled to have Gov. Perry's endorsement. That 1% of the voting public should be enough to push him right over the top.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm

"Old news."

As contrasted with, say, Obama having met Bill Ayers 30 years ago.

RavenRant January 20, 2012 at 7:48 am

Or Obama being born in Kenya 50-odd years ago. Or being educated at a Muslim Madrassa 40-odd years ago. Or …

elviouslyqueer January 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Appearing at a campaign event in South Carolina on Thursday, the former speaker called the interview by his ex-wife “tawdry and inappropriate,” and refused to answer any questions about it.

Um, Newt? Dr. Schaden is on line one, and would like to tell you to go freude yourself.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Well, if anyone knows "tawdry and inappropriate," it's Newt.

Extemporanus January 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"TAG! You're it!"

Radiotherapy January 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Olly, Olly, in free!

Extemporanus January 19, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Fuck, fuck, goose!

mavenmaven January 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

He's very conservative and doesn't like change, thus he wanted to continue the legacy and cultural mores of the Seventies.

UnholyMoses January 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

True.

But, sadly, it's the 1470s …

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The 70's, much like everything else where Boomers are involved, are overrated.

Gunner Asch January 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm

No, no, no. The 70's were pretty primo. Done w/ the Army & school, living in Bolinas and motorcycling over the hill to Sausalito for my job rebuilding Teletypes and smoking dope at lunch, then bicycling up the back side of Mt. Tamalpais on the weekends. I have no larger vision of heaven.

DahBoner January 19, 2012 at 6:10 pm

You should have gotten out more: Stagflation, Bell bottoms & Disco music.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:24 am

Yeah to the disco music! I might love you DahBoner.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:37 pm

"the legacy and cultural mores of the Seventies"

On the plus side, $20 an ounce weed, no HIV, and a pre-Reagan economy.
On the minus side, platform shoes, disco music, and white afros.
What to do… what to do?

Mumbletypeg January 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Newt’s endorsement from Rick Perry

"Rick who?" – - isn't as fun to say as, "Sarah Lou who?" – - but either way, more's the pity for whoever lands their 'endorsement.'

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Purrah. Rick Purrah.

Callyson January 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history?”
Yes, and don't leave out recent historical events. You know, like the Clinton impeachment, and the members of Congress who supported it…while conducting affairs of their own…

pdiddycornchips January 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm

But he had to because he loves his country so much.

Someday soon, when the revolution is over, his fellow prisoners will take turns donkey punching him until his head looks like a bowl of bloody oatmeal.

UnholyMoses January 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I blame Ron Jeremy for making fat and ugly guys think they, too, can get it on like a porn star.

ElPinche January 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Then again, Newt is no Romney Jeremy.

DahBoner January 19, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I blame money.

Rotundo_ January 19, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Ron Jeremy is to Newt! What Hedgehog is to Hog.

Generation[redacted] January 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm so outraged, it makes me want to impeach the President!

BZ1 January 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Just the contemplation of Newt on top of a human being is decidedly upsetting …

jus_wonderin January 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I have to think that sex with Newt involves pulling a ladder out from under the bed and climbing on.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

And even after the Viagra kicks in, he still has to fold it in half and bind it with a rubber band so she stops asking if it's in.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

On top? I doubt he moves, let alone gets on top.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:22 am

He's a bottom.

WootInTarnation January 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm

All you wanna do
Is ride around, Callie
Ride, Callie, Ride

Geminisunmars January 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history?”

Maybe I didn't get enough sleep or booze, but will someone explain to me what this question means?

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:41 pm

I think it means, "The President is a blah".

Geminisunmars January 19, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Oh, now, that makes some sense. Thanks.

Wilcoxyz January 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

What's wrong with Washington? That some human turd like Newt gets more ass than he can handle. He doesn't understand the value of working for ass.

RavenRant January 20, 2012 at 7:46 am

The multitude of whores in DC have created a culture of abject dependency.

smashaduck January 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I'm pretty sure this isn't what Dan Savage would call "monogamish." And this made me laugh: http://justspitballing.blogspot.com/2012/01/well-

paris biltong January 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Not really qualified to cast the first stone here, but at least I was never as ugly or offensive as Newt, I think.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

So much schadenfreude.

So little time.

P.S. The comments from butthurt goopers on the WaPo thread are exquisite. I'll summarize: But Bill Clinton! Teddy Kennedy!
~

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Throw in JFK and the Dems will have as many marriages as Newt, regardless of how much pussy they got.

smashaduck January 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I know he just loves his country…But did he have to love our country?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:16 am

He's old school: cheaper to keep her.
marry1get1

DemmeFatale January 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I propose replacing "cuckold" with "gingrich."

IncenseDebate January 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Apparently Santorum won by Iowa 69 which is Newt's favorite number.

There, I just worked Santorum, 69, and Newt into a sentence. Anyone want lunch?

smashaduck January 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

If by lunch you mean what Callista calls lunch, that is, vomitting and regurgitating the grape and saltine she had for dinner last night.. Still, nope.

Callyson January 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Actually, that combination might make me lose my lunch…

Ruhe January 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm

“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history?”

Then Newt launched into a very long dissertation about the difference between eros and agape as understood by the Greeks and how that difference informs our own democracy to this very day. "While the so-called separation of church and state is a largely spurious argument the separation of a man's life into his matrimonial life and his "strange-on-the-side" life is a direct corollary of the constitutionally valid "separation of powers" principle."

GlowneyHouse January 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I guarantee South Carolinian GOP members would allow Newt's behavior quicker than they condone a black man in the White House.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:46 pm

It's Sacralonna AND the GOP; they'd allow ritual sacrifices to Satan quicker than they'd condone a black man in the White House.

Toomush_Infer January 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

But here's the real question – how much did Romney pay ABC to pay Newt II to bring out the soiled bedsheets?… just imagining that sidereal correspondence has to be worth 20 minutes of the best Hollywood dialogue ever written…

UnholyMoses January 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Can someone tell me what it takes to get a comment deleted by a mod? I just had one nixed.

I mean, I'm not upset or anything. Hell, most of my comments should probably be deleted for not being funny.

But cursing can't be the reason. I've included hyperlinks before, so that's not it. It wasn't spam, either, so … for future reference, what earns a comment deletion 'round 'bout these parts?

jus_wonderin January 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Did you use that word that begins with R, ends we D and has ETAR in the middle?

UnholyMoses January 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Oh … well then. That'd be the reason.

Guess it wouldn't matter if it were in reference to a dachshund, and not a person, would it?

Good to know, though, so thanks!!

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I thought we were allowed to say "retard" now.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

It's usually an automatic thing; they've got filters to try and keep out spam (along with a certain word that caused controversy in the past) and sometimes regular comments get accidentally caught by them. I know I've had a few deleted which I realized used terms that are very common among spammers.

e_z January 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I could tell you, but my post would poof if I did….

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Like 'free viagra'?

BTWBFDIMHO January 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Don't ask what you can do to your cuntry, but what your cuntry can do to you.

chicken_thief January 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Somewhere on a bus, headed to his next book signing stop, Herman Cain shakes his head….

arihaya January 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

polygamy ?

what's he? a secret Muslin?

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

Yeap. Instead of divorcing the SICK WIFE, you stay married to her, but you are also free to marry another. (hopefully she's healthy&Rich).

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Well…you CAN puke and laugh out loud at the same time. Who knew?

Dude's got more baggage than Lady Gaga on a world tour. Wait…has he had an affair with her yet?

RavenRant January 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Don't know her, but I'm guessing she has better taste in partners.

Maman January 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

What does Newt think that Callista will do with her time as a potential first lady? Promote celibacy? Work with children? Be a goodwill ambassador (if you know what I mean…)

Polythene_Pam January 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

As a woman, I just don't get it. I'm not all that shallow & superficial, but… How did three different women (at the very least) want to have sex with Newt at one time or another? It doesn't make any sense at all to me.

IceCreamEmpress January 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Well, the first wife was his high school teacher, so there's the Mary Kay Letourneau thing going on.

The second wife? Shy, frumpy lady (at least so the pictures from that era suggest) who was probably bowled over by this self-assertive dude's being so into her. The fact that he was Sheer Evil didn't occur to her until she had already had children with him and what not.

Callista is just following the orders of her shadowy lizard overlords of the Planet Zorg.

RavenRant January 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I think he only has children with the first wife. BTW, after that divorce, he had to be taken to court to force him to pay child support. I think that is worse than adultery.

Although doing the mistress in the wife's bed is extra skeezy.

IceCreamEmpress January 19, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Oo, you're right about the kids.

I think that a lot of people feel that marrying the person they cheated with "legitimizes" the relationship, so maybe it was just that she wanted to believe it was Twoo Wuv instead of Newt just being a sleazebag.

But ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:53 pm

"I'm not all that shallow & superficial, but… How did three different women [...] want to have sex with Newt"

I don't think it's strictly a looks thing. Newt reminds me of the scene in "Bad Santa" where the disgruntled elf tells Billy Bob Thornton's character: "Every single fuckin' thing about you is ugly. There is not one good thing about you — not one."

mrblifil January 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

From this I assume it's safe to conclude that he has also banged Karen Santorum.

Eve8Apples January 19, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Newt to Marianne: "Oh, come on honey. All the Mormon boy candidates get to bang multiple chics. Why can't I? I promise I'll do extra chores around the house if you let me screw the staff! Goddamnit, this isn't fair!!!!"

johnnymeatworth January 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

So it turns out his problem with "The Ethical Slut" was the word "ethical." Interesting….

annettaj January 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Ummmm Newt— doughy, spotted, cheating and smelling of bad history books.
That's the way I like my men . . . .

donner_froh January 19, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Gay people have been right all along–those mixed marriages never work.

fartknocker January 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Newt is just expressing his Republican Family Values. See page 4 of his Contract with America.

Rotundo_ January 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Jeez, I keep having to correct people- It's Contract ON America, not Contract WITH America. And what was that called D'roit du seigneur? that's on page 4 on the family values under "Everyone is related to Newt!"

MozakiBlocks January 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Cue the projectile vomiting!

thefrontpage January 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Interestingly, in interviews today with CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, the AP, the UPI and ESPN, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Don Sherwood, Anthony Weiner, Barney Frank, Keanu Reeve, Elton John, and RuPaul all said that Gingrich also wanted to be in an "open marriage" so he could have affairs with all of these men on the side, too!!

coron4 January 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Patriotism = priapism. Gingrich has already made this clear, and if anything Jefferson should be a role model for genuine constitutionalists.

Terry January 19, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Not only did Newtie think an "open marriage" was a great idea, he also appears to subscribe to the idea that you dump a wife as soon as she's diagnosed with something serious (cancer, M.S.).

actor212 January 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

In a related story, Newt just announced that he would only run in open primaries this year.

slowhansolo January 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"By the way, this woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I tell you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing."

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Diamond Joe Quimby FTW!

carlgt1 January 19, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I suppose soon we'll hear about a "shocked & awed" Callista finding out Newt is cheating on her….

Monsieur_Grumpe January 19, 2012 at 3:40 pm

That puts the "ew" in Newt.

Wadisay January 19, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Newt, if you're reading this, before you exit the race and commit seppuku, could you please send over a copy of your marriage vows? Thanks so much. W

KenLayIsAlive January 19, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I don't think his arms are long enough to commit seppuku.

Limeylizzie January 19, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Swollen Piglet is surging to a tie with Mittens, please, please, oh editors, please Live Blog the debate tonight.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I never see you anymore, except for liveblogs!

Limeylizzie January 19, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hi Darling, I know I haven't been visiting quite as much, but I'll see you there tonight. Are you going to Red Tails this opening weekend? Well it's opening in NYC, so I will be there.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Maybe we'll try and go to Red Tails as well. As for the liveblogs, I'm always watching actual-entertainment so I never join in, and then the comments go to 1,000 so they're difficult to read.

owhatever January 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Juaaannn. Newt said he was sorry and has been forgiven for being a liar, a racist, a cheat, a thief, an unethical politician for sale who was fired by his own colleagues, and a multiple adulterer. Nobody's perfect, and he's white and not a Mormon.

Generation[redacted] January 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I wonder what Ron Paul's newsletter would say about this.

SaintRond January 19, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Not a very nice way to talk about the man who's going to be your next President, now is it?

Give the man a chance. He loves his country so much, he actually got an erection from it. Have some charity, for Christ's sake.

kingofmeh January 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

since when did wonkette become the advocate for marital fidelity? while gingrich's way of pursuing an "open marriage" (carrying on an affair for 6 years and then discussing it) shouldn't win any awards, the only real story here is that an advocate for family values and traditional marriage is a practitioner of neither.

i'd rather see more focus on the hypocrisy than on the apparently "sordid" fact that newt discussed an open marriage with his second wife.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Wonketeers are so prudish and repressed!

emmelemm January 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm
KenLayIsAlive January 19, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Except people with one wife. They just have an angry spouse.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:13 am

This from the angry ex-spouse himself, (Rush)

DahBoner January 19, 2012 at 6:06 pm

If Marianne won't do it, Calista will…

a_pink_poodle January 19, 2012 at 6:17 pm

That's as traditional as marriage gets! Kings took on multiple wives before the Roman Empire!

chascates January 19, 2012 at 6:37 pm

His daughters are standing by him so apparently Gingrich hasn't slept with them:
“Both of my daughters are prepared to speak on the record to anyone who’d like to talk to them,” he said. “Several other people who knew the situation are prepared to speak on the record. I’m not getting involved."

unclejeems January 19, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Nah, well, guess who else have accounts at their local diamond stores . . .

okie811 January 19, 2012 at 7:18 pm

I would much rather have an adulterer (remember Bill Clinton?) as President than the radical left-wing nutjob we currently have.

Schmegeg January 19, 2012 at 7:27 pm

So, if Newton actually loses S Carolina, does he have another younger version in the Bullpen? Will Callista consent to an open marriage? Or will it be more of the same for our hero.

And how would an open marriage work in the White House these days. I bet Newt wished he had passed on the Belgian PhD dissertation and worked on JFK instead.

DalePues January 19, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Will Geico change its mascot now?

Nostrildamus January 19, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Another marriage destroyed by teh Gayz.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:11 am

No, this time the Bisek-uals did it!

fuflans January 19, 2012 at 9:05 pm

JESUS CHRIST (speaking as a relatively attractive woman with – and now i quote my gay bff – a 'very nice figure') WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS BLOATED GASBAG THINK HE IS? I WOULD NOT TOUCH THAT CORPULANT FLESH WITH 5 WHORE DIAMONDS AND A TIFFANY BRACELET EVEN IF YOU THREW IN CHANDELIER EARRINGS.

and i am utterly shallow.

tessiee January 19, 2012 at 9:43 pm

"He doesn't understand the value of working for ass."

Why, when *I* was a young maiden, we had to walk five miles in the snow for a piece of ass! rant… rave…

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 1:19 am

Hey he's just trying to make up for the fact that his daddy is black

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 10:42 am

Speaking of pricks, someone, pls tell me, what's the deal with the little golden circle with the numbers and the 'p'.

smashaduck January 20, 2012 at 2:03 pm

It's your p-ness. Your commenter rating. Goes up. Goes down. Who can explain that? There's some math involved. Get people to like you and they upfist you….over there—-> to the far right of that bar with your name in it. Wonkette doesn't allow downfisting anymore. Some sites do. So some commenters, though awesome, have a low rating 'cause they pick fights at other blogs. IOW, if you're concerned about your rating, don't comment on old shit like I just did. … 'cause no one's around to upfist you.

tealsheart January 20, 2012 at 7:39 pm

…thks, you explained it to my liking, so I upfisted you!

ttommyunger January 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Sorry Marianne, I'd like to listen to your sad story, but every time I see your bloated ugly face I get this horrific vision of Newtie's wrinkled nut-sack on your chin; and you know where his teeny-tiny weenie has to be for that to happen….

Chichikovovich January 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

That's what George Washington would have done.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Well, there's your problem right there.

Hey – some of us are eating drinking lunch here!

/Fixed.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Nearly every picture of them together, he looks like he is saying something very naughty to her, and she's loving it.

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