bah!

Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman

Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said?

Perry will be announcing his decision at a press conference in North Charleston at 11AM this morning, the day of the candidates’ final debate in South Carolina and two days before Saturday’s primary. Like his good pal and Words With Friends partner Jon Huntsman, who dropped out Monday, Perry is not doing so hot in South Carolina polls … at all, despite his now long-expired potential appeal to social conservatives there. His slim-to-invisible standing in SC carried over from New Hampshire and Iowa, where he placed sixth and fifth respectively. Nothing too complicated here: it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons, to which the public apparently wisely remarked, “Too soon.”

Things went from bad to worse this week when Perry said Monday that he believed that Turkey, a U.S. ally, is run by “Islamic terrorists.” He then proceeded to spend all week backing up his claim, unable to divorce the fact that he was once stationed in Turkey as an Air Force pilot from the fact that he fundamentally does not understand what’s going on there. Oops, indeed.

On that note, some of Perry’s golden moments from the campaign trail.

“Treasonous”

“Oops”

“Speed of Light”

“Turkey”

[LA Times]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

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  • Barb

    Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.

    • Terry

      Representatives of the Texas Democratic Party helped him fill out the form to make him a Republican.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Did he inhale?????

      • SorosBot

        Did he spit or did he swallow?

        • Barb

          Only idiots spit.

    • MildMidwesterner

      I also spent my college years trying to get some ass, but I never once considered the Democrat's donkey mascot as an acceptable option.

      • LesBontemps

        You're not from Texas, obvs.

    • jamieboy1234

      He went to college? It doesn't show.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumblety██

    *rolls eyes heavenward*

    Thank you Mother-lovin' beJeezus, for getting this yokelized tumor off the national stage!

  • MissNancyPriss

    He's all yours again, Texas.

    • ElPinche

      Ugg.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Ditto. Too. Also.

        • chascates

          *sigh* When's his current term up?

          • ElPinche

            It doesn't matter. Another one his good ole boy Niggerhead hunting buddies are next up for bat.

        • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

          I'm leaving as soon as I can find a jerb in another state.

          • Biff

            So you're in it for the long haul, then?

          • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

            Exactly.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      *Runs screaming from room, inserts red-hot knitting needles in eyes.*

      "Ten more years!?!?!?"

    • fartknocker

      Damn it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Maybe y'all could make a trade with Wisconsin?

      • SudsMcKenzie

        We dont even want him.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Dear Texas, If it makes you feel any better, we got Michele Bachmann back. *sniff*

      • Not_So_Much

        We all have our burdens to bear (Larry Craig is still here in Idaho with his super-tuber), but I feel the worst for you. Between what falls out of her cake-hole and Marcus bedazzling the entire state, it must be fucking horrible…

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our Presidential candidates can't accuse key allies of being Islamic terrorist states or have no clue about politics in general.

    As a loser, I'll support Gringich's war on povertons. And I'll justify liberal attacks on our intellects.

    Bigotry, pig-ignorance and class warfare made America strong. They can make her strong again.

    I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

    Vote Newt Gingrich.

    (also, that blingee is sublime)

    • slithytoves

      "That blingee" and "sublime" = greatest oxymoron in the history of adjectives. Congrats!

  • ttommyunger

    Never had corn dog in my 70 years; now I'm sure I never will. Thank You, Wonkette.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      My wife eats them and I'm OK with that.

      • ttommyunger

        Mine too, excepts it's more along the lines of a Vienna Sausage-Puppy (holds head in hand and sobs).

    • Tundra Grifter

      ttug:

      A number of years ago we were walking along the beach next to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

      There was a long string of corndogs tossed onto the sand – a single bite had been taken out of each one.

      I became convinced they probably weren't very good.

      • ttommyunger

        I take a hint when the squirrels and birds won't eat something offered (also with Bagels).

    • Mojopo

      Best Blingee evarrrrr! Inspired.

      • ttommyunger

        It is waaay cool, Dude!

    • ttommyunger

      The craving wuz flung on him too strong.

  • smashedinhat

    Should be fun watching Sarah Palin and Rick Perry positioning themselves within the Newt juggernaut. The stupid, it burns!

  • nounverb911

    This is bad news for Texas.

    • ElPinche

      It's like the shitty step father moving back in.

      • jus_wonderin

        If he beats us, it's okay to shoot him, right?

      • GayInMaine

        Mom says he's changed and it'll be different this time.

    • yrbmegr

      Perhaps Texas can manage not to vote for Perry again.

    • chascates

      Texas has so many shitty politicians Perry's absence the past few months has not even been noticed.

      • Moonbatting Average

        After each Perry gaffe, I imagined Bill White sitting at home, shouting at the TV "I can't believe I lost to that guy!!!", John Lovitz-style

  • Barb

    I can't wait to see the ABC interview with Newt's ex tonight! I bet Callista gets so pissed that she will momentarily have a hint of color in her face.

    • Limeylizzie

      http://news.yahoo.com/exclusive-gingrich-lacks-mo

      Apparently he wanted an open marriage….ladies we missed such a chance.

      • Barb

        I was just reading some of the replies on the bloggies. People are saying that ABC wants to "trash Newt" before the election. I think it is hilarious.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Ye gods. Why do I subject myself to the Yahoo comment board? I would throw myself out of the window in despair, only I'm on the first floor and really don't want to crush the azalea bushes.

          • Barb

            EQ, I can't go there! I went once and it made me physically ill to see what some people say there.

          • James Michael Curley

            I'm asking a friend, former grad from Carnegie Mellon where they really invented the internet, to do some work up on the possibility of a background program which will obliterate 'Comments' sections from news sites. Problem is he works in MAC but I'd go full tilt Jumpin' Jobs if he does it.

          • emmelemm

            I heard someone say once that Yahoo comments are a mental disease.

            Sweet tap-dancing Christ, it really makes you think about going to the top of a mountain to live in a cave. Or just killing yourself.

          • Callyson

            I wish Mayor Nutter would tell them to stop being idiots and assholes.

        • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

          Newt wants an open marriage with Calista on the side. The offended ex-wife is speaking about it, not some reporter or pundit. And those people think ABC is in the wrong. There's definitely a part of "family values" I don't actually understand.

      • SudsMcKenzie

        Well, now he has a three-some, … ohhh and Santorum.

      • ThundercatHo

        Damnit. Guess I'll just have to be satisfied with tall, dark, handsome, svelte and actually smart.

      • SorosBot

        So all the diamonds from Tiffany's weren't enough for her?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Oohh, they just said the "big deal" is the "Goblin" wanted his marriage as open as a NH primary.

    • jus_wonderin

      That requires blood though, doesn't it?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      Callista is the whiter and New the wider shade of pale. Even if they were wearing sheets you couldn't tell.

    • MrFizzy

      wouldn't it be great if they had the balls to put in a Callista-cam?

      • BerkeleyBear

        Why do I suddenly have an image of balls in Callista's face (ie, the "job interview" tape)?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      "… she will momentarily have a hint of color in her face."

      As a person of color, she'll never vote for him.

    • Biff

      OMG–the palor, the rictus grin–she's been pre-embalmed, it's so obvious to me now!

    • Barrelhse

      Callista just might drunk-dial her former placeholder and demand she apologize.

    • Guppy

      20 years later, Callista will call her and ask if she's ready to apologize.

  • Captain_Quark

    It took him awhile, but Perry has at last attained the same level of enlightenment as Michele Bachmann.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe the next time they hear voices in their heads, telling them to do something, they will think twice.

  • Baconzgood

    So we lost Dopey too. I was sad about Crazy (Buchman) and Blacky (Cain) but Dopey….Say it ain't so!

    • yrbmegr

      I wonder if Porky is next.

      • Baconzgood

        I'm putting my money on Trolly (Paul).

        • LesBontemps

          Not Frothy?

          • Baconzgood

            I don't Frothy will Beat Greedy but he will stay in till the bitter end.

        • Generation[redacted]

          I'm hoping it comes down to a contest between magic underwear and magic eyebrows.

  • bureaucrap

    Still, I'm going to miss wonkette's occasional reprint of that great "young hot perry as texas hitlerjugend" pic. Fap fap fap.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, I'm sure he'll find some way to stupidify his way back on to these pages.

    • James Michael Curley

      I don't want to see that pic again. After being exposed to it I can't pass a mirror without checking my gig line.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I made it my wallpaper.

  • nounverb911

    Now he'll have time to watch the Rangers hopefully, epic fail.

    • GOPCrusher

      6 years, 60 million dollars for Yu Darvish? Did they learn nothing from the Red Sox-Daisuke Matsusaka Experiment?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Wow… with Perry out, no chance for the first gay President this time around…

    • Lucidamente1

      I though W took care of that with Jeff Gannon.

    • SorosBot

      Someone's forgetting James Buchanan.

  • YasserArraFeck

    BREAKING NEWS!
    Perry Pulls Out! Santorum Slides In! Perry Positioned Behind Gingrich!

    Wait your turn boys, there's plenty of asshole to go around

    • ElPinche

      And yet Obama will the one to mop up that big frothy puddle of man-fuck for the next 4 years.

  • Sue4466

    Buh-bye.

  • slithytoves

    After the Turkey fiasco, I'm guessing some State Dept. folks gave him a little taste of extraordinary rendition. Texas, I mean.

    • sarah_connor

      WORD. Gah, even Rick Perry should know that Turkey is delicious.

      GAH, that BLINGEE.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Unfortunately for us, Perry's dad never pulled out.

    • Guppy

      On the contrary: his Texas public sex education classes left him thinking that pulling out really was effective contraception.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Perry pulls a Sarah Palin??? Too bad because he had finally memorized those two departments he wanted to eliminate. I mean three.

    • MosesInvests

      If only he'd pull a Sarah Palin and quit being governor before his term is up.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    This picture reminds me I have to get my dog's anal glands expressed. I'm also pretty sure my 7-year-old could beat Rick in Words with Friends.

    • ElPinche

      Hahaha…the banfield vet at Petsmart wanted to show me how to express my dog's anal glands yesterday. I'm a DIYer, but not that DIY.

      • YasserArraFeck

        And I thought the "walking around with a little baggie full of warm dog shit" thing was the only good reason not to have a dog….

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh dear, the evangelicals have one less Jebusy Rick to pin their hopes and prayers upon. Mormon Mittens is too Mormony and Newt is a mistress marrying swinger.

    Save us Obi-Wan Santorum!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      The whole Santorum family are liars/hypocrites (i.e. have "changed their positions") on premarital sex and abortion. You'll just have to stay home and pray this election cycle, Fundies!

  • SorosBot

    Now after his moronic showing on the national stage, will Texas still vote for him the next time reelection comes around?

    Oh wait, these are Texans; ignorance is a virtue to most of them, of course they will.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Worst. Coming. Out. EVER.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I'll miss Rick! as much as I missed Fred!

    • flamingpdog

      Who? WHO???

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I hope the Internet lives for no other reason than to revisit that Blingee.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    It's too bad, because now CNN has to pull the daily "Stupid Shit Perry Said Yesterday" template from their website.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    The montage above is like Rick's greatest hits of epic fail. Thanks for the memories, now get your ass back to Tejas.Pronto por favor.

    • MosesInvests

      No queremos.-Tejas.

  • JackDempsey1

    This guy could write a library of "_____ for Dummies" books.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Not really.

    • Chichikovovich

      Or at least dictate them.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Newt Gingrich is Rick Perry's idea of what a smart man sounds like.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Rick Perry is now America's idea of what a stupid man sounds like. Oops.

  • johnnymeatworth

    #welcomehomenowgoaway

  • Joshua Norton

    it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons,

    I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these Turkish Islamist terrorist killers. Thank you

    Now watch this drive…

  • spends2much

    Puts cowboy booted feet up on desk.
    Rick: "Well, that was great. I got me some name recognition- I'm all over the Youse Tube, you know! And I met a lot of strapping, healthy young men. Oh, yeah, and women. Runnin' for Prezdint is awesome! What should I do now, Jesus?"

    Hands Rick an e-coli laden corn dog.
    Jesus: "Here, my son, eat this."

  • chascates

    And the political cartoonists wept.

  • Goonemeritus

    Good move if he stayed in longer it might negatively affect the value of his brand.

  • widestanceshakedown

    So, it's the Romulan vs. open marriage wanna-haver Newt, with Santorum still sticking around. Most unsavory this election business.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, now that his alma mater bailed on the Big 12 for the SEC, maybe he'll do the same. "Georgia on line 2 for you, governor."

  • chascates

    CNN and FoxNews both streaming live Prick Perry presser.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Cue that weepy Sarah MacLachlan bit and a box of Kleenex. I had overlooked Langer's earlier post about the unlikeliest of bonding moments between contenders, such as this one.

    Kinda reminds me of Owen & Mzee but I can't decide who's the turtle & who's the baby hippo.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Somewhere Molly Irvins is laughing her ass off.

    • ElPinche

      She and Ann Richards are probably smoking a big ole cosmic joint watching this whole thing from the 9th dimension. "We told you so, Texas. You're fucked! "

    • Mojopo

      Sorry I missed this. I was thinking the same thing and typed too late. Molly, if you had anything to do with this spectacular failure, thank you. We need to start the beatification process.

  • freakishlywrong

    The only better news is if Hopey takes Tejas in the general. YeeeeeHaaawwww mothterfuckers!

  • ThundercatHo

    Yippy-ky-ay! Now git along lil' doggy, yer trail is done.

  • fartknocker

    I suspect Ricky is going to be on the campaign trail with Newt because he want's to be Ambassador of Izz-becki-becky-stan or some other position. I'm thinking Under Secretary of Dipshit.

    • Eve8Apples

      He's the front runner for Secretary of Fancy Book Learnin' (formerly Secretary of Education).

  • x111e7thst

    They grow em stupid in Tejas

  • chascates

    Waiting on Perry, one photog stands up, turns around and snaps pics of seated journos. Noticing this, 3 other photogs do the same.

  • hagajim

    How quickly the dominoes are falling. We've lost the zzzzzz, the batshit crazy woman, the 9-9-9 sex offender, the somewhat sane Mormon, and now goes the re + tarded one. I figure the Pillsbury doughboy may well be gone in the next day or two (at least on Sunday)….we shall see.

    • finallyhappy

      you calling my boy T-paw the zzzzzz? that man made bridges fall!

    • YasserArraFeck

      "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE"
      Fortunately, come November, there will be none

    • GOPCrusher

      You got to think that T-Paw is kicking himself in the ass every morning when he wakes up.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Me: :::Looks at picture::: SNORT…spit!!!
    Boss: Are you ok?
    Me: Yeah…coffee just went down the wrong way.

    You bastards…get over here and help me clean my keyboard!

  • chascates

    Here he comes!

  • SayItWithWookies

    If Perry's gone, we don't even have the prospect of a strong military leader protecting America from the imminent threat posed by — oh, I dunno — Togo or Paraguay.

  • mrsbitch

    He's been away from his state for so long someone might need to gently remind him where he lives.

    ps – best Blingee evah!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Had to look up Words with Friends on Wikipedia. Good thing Perry didn't drop out yesterday.

  • chascates

    "This campaign has never been about the candidate….What's broken is our politics."

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "What's broken is not our politics. What's broken is our Broca's area and neocortex. And therefore, I have no idea what I just said."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    How did he Not crash a plane?

    • chascates

      McCain did it THREE times!

      • SudsMcKenzie

        It's hard to do, like Super Bowl wins.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I figured they put him in a drone and gave him a fake steering wheel.

  • chascates

    "There is no viable path for me in this 2012 campaign. Therefore I am suspending my campaign and throwing my support to Newt Gingrich."

  • Biff

    Liveblog-worthy exit speech, what with all the jesusgodmary bullshit going on.

  • Schmannnity

    How hard is it for political consultants to tell their candidates to never be photographed with phallus shaped food of any kind? Or do you have to pass the Iowa State Fair Corndog fellatio test to be a Republican contender nowadays?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Must be in the RNC bylaws.

  • chascates

    Thanks to wifey, kids, Jesus, (dog forgotten?)…..

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Perry said God called upon him to run for President. I wonder what happened.

    A: Perry is lying.
    B: God is lying
    C: God wanted to humiliate Perry.
    D: Perry is a typical Texas blowhard (ha ha) who thinks God died and put him in charge.

    Goin' with D. And that's my final answer.

    • chascates

      Perry's bound to have pocketed a million or so off of this escapade.

    • Barrelhse

      E: Wrong number

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        F. Oops.

    • Loaded_Pants

      When he had his big ol' prayer meetin', I said he should have just started a ministry instead of going into politics. But then I realized that even the most crazy, inarticulate preacher still makes more sense & will have more charisma than Perry.

  • chascates

    "I've just begun to fight!"

    Oh, please.

  • Tundra Grifter

    First Tim Tebow loses.

    Now Gov. Perry drops out.

    Who knew Jesus was a Pats fan who likes Ole Newt?

    • Schmannnity

      Technically, I think He favors the Saints (except last week).

      • Tundra Grifter

        Let me set you straight, Buddy. These days it's quite obvious Bill Walsh is back calling the plays. The Good Lord knows enough to stand back and let The Big Whistle do his magic.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Was just thinking of Tebow………

      Magic fails to help Cameroon's footballers
      http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-16471695

  • iburl

    I won't believe Perry has pulled out until I see a santorum-caked prophylactic hanging out of his sweatpants pocket.

  • fuflans

    death of comedy.

  • io9k9s

    Best blingee evah….

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'll miss the three front-runners who have dropped out: Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann and…..ummmmm….I can't….I can't remember….Oops!

  • Biff

    Watching newt accepting Rick's support with calypso in full silhouette beside him–instead of Tiffany's, couldn't they find a talented plastic surgeon instead?

    • ThundercatHo

      Srsly, with all the money spent on Botox you'd think her plastic surgeon would just throw in a free nosejob.

      • Loaded_Pants

        She needed to have the work done. Oral sex with Newt is rough on the face.

  • Barrelhse

    I think Rick needs a better religion.

  • SenileAgitation

    Perry and Palin trying to boost Newt's chances in SC, why won't they just let the tubby two-timer succeed (suck seed? secede?) on his own? It's like some hateful helping-someone-in-need virus has infected them. What's next, jobs sweeping up after church for poor people?

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    "and he said, 'Callista doesn't care what I do,'"

    I betcha, Callista has flip-flopped on that shit by now.. After all, she is perfectly positioned to learn the fine art of the flip-flop.

    • ThundercatHo

      "If you want some more diamonds, baby, you'll flip over and let me in the back door."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Ben Bernanke just dodged a bullet.

  • DemonicRage

    Roll the tape that Rachel Maddow is fond of showing. Perry is in New Hampshire. He tells the people in front of him that he is very sympathetic with their "Live Free or Die" way of looking at the world. Someone presents him with a jug bottle of New England maple syrup and he gets all kinds of rhapsodic. That appearance pretty much says it all.

  • Eve8Apples

    Rick – Next time you think you have a call from God to do something, just say, "You have the wrong number" and hang up the phone.

    • Mojopo

      First Tebow, now Perry. When will these people finally realize that the calls from beyond are coming from a much hotter place?

  • DahBoner

    Little Dumber Boy

    • Mojopo

      This is how Texans trip and fall into lifeboats.

  • Mojopo

    Somewhere, Molly Ivins just sprayed a golden keyboard with heavenly laughter.

  • owhatever

    Return to Brokeback Mountain. A comedy in three parts.

  • MiniMencken

    Now I'll never get anybody to buy my Austin rent boy confessional! Back to Oilcan Harry's on uncut night…

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    New trailer: Perry 2016, laughs aplenty!

  • hollywooddood

    This is bullshit. Who else is left to vote for? Barry?

  • mavenmaven

    George W Bush is very happy today.

  • Schmannnity

    This is bad news for coyotes.

  • Left_Leftie

    Thank you for the best blingee EVER!

  • DahBoner

    Emails to Jesus

    You know, if someone were to create a website that allows you to send an email to Jesus, it could result in many hours of laughter…

  • under_score

    Late to the game here but it must be said:

    Adios, mofo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tVSOIEDTcU&fe

    (my favorite RP moment up until this election, now, who can possibly choose?)

  • superdave

    Oh man! That is world class Blingee!

  • James Michael Curley

    James or Pat?

  • OkieDokieDog

    God Apologizes for Glut of Republicans Who Say He Called Them to Run in 2012: "One Night I Butt-Dialed Five People w/out Even Realizing" – from The Daily Edge