Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said?
Perry will be announcing his decision at a press conference in North Charleston at 11AM this morning, the day of the candidates’ final debate in South Carolina and two days before Saturday’s primary. Like his good pal and Words With Friends partner Jon Huntsman, who dropped out Monday, Perry is not doing so hot in South Carolina polls … at all, despite his now long-expired potential appeal to social conservatives there. His slim-to-invisible standing in SC carried over from New Hampshire and Iowa, where he placed sixth and fifth respectively. Nothing too complicated here: it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons, to which the public apparently wisely remarked, “Too soon.”
Things went from bad to worse this week when Perry said Monday that he believed that Turkey, a U.S. ally, is run by “Islamic terrorists.” He then proceeded to spend all week backing up his claim, unable to divorce the fact that he was once stationed in Turkey as an Air Force pilot from the fact that he fundamentally does not understand what’s going on there. Oops, indeed.
On that note, some of Perry’s golden moments from the campaign trail.
“Treasonous”
“Oops”
“Speed of Light”
“Turkey”
{ 192 comments }
Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
Representatives of the Texas Democratic Party helped him fill out the form to make him a Republican.
Did he inhale?????
Did he spit or did he swallow?
Only idiots spit.
I also spent my college years trying to get some ass, but I never once considered the Democrat's donkey mascot as an acceptable option.
You're not from Texas, obvs.
He went to college? It doesn't show.
LOL Is this a cock I see before me?
*rolls eyes heavenward*
Thank you Mother-lovin' beJeezus, for getting this yokelized tumor off the national stage!
He's all yours again, Texas.
Ugg.
Ditto. Too. Also.
*sigh* When's his current term up?
It doesn't matter. Another one his good ole boy Niggerhead hunting buddies are next up for bat.
Does it matter? He's never going to go away now.
I'm leaving as soon as I can find a jerb in another state.
So you're in it for the long haul, then?
*Runs screaming from room, inserts red-hot knitting needles in eyes.*
"Ten more years!?!?!?"
Damn it.
Maybe y'all could make a trade with Wisconsin?
We dont even want him.
Dear Texas, If it makes you feel any better, we got Michele Bachmann back. *sniff*
We all have our burdens to bear (Larry Craig is still here in Idaho with his super-tuber), but I feel the worst for you. Between what falls out of her cake-hole and Marcus bedazzling the entire state, it must be fucking horrible…
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our Presidential candidates can't accuse key allies of being Islamic terrorist states or have no clue about politics in general.
As a loser, I'll support Gringich's war on povertons. And I'll justify liberal attacks on our intellects.
Bigotry, pig-ignorance and class warfare made America strong. They can make her strong again.
I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.
Vote Newt Gingrich.
(also, that blingee is sublime)
"That blingee" and "sublime" = greatest oxymoron in the history of adjectives. Congrats!
Never had corn dog in my 70 years; now I'm sure I never will. Thank You, Wonkette.
My wife eats them and I'm OK with that.
Mine too, excepts it's more along the lines of a Vienna Sausage-Puppy (holds head in hand and sobs).
ttug:
A number of years ago we were walking along the beach next to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.
There was a long string of corndogs tossed onto the sand – a single bite had been taken out of each one.
I became convinced they probably weren't very good.
I take a hint when the squirrels and birds won't eat something offered (also with Bagels).
Best Blingee evarrrrr! Inspired.
It is waaay cool, Dude!
The craving wuz flung on him too strong.
Should be fun watching Sarah Palin and Rick Perry positioning themselves within the Newt juggernaut. The stupid, it burns!
This is bad news for Texas.
It's like the shitty step father moving back in.
If he beats us, it's okay to shoot him, right?
Mom says he's changed and it'll be different this time.
Perhaps Texas can manage not to vote for Perry again.
Texas has so many shitty politicians Perry's absence the past few months has not even been noticed.
After each Perry gaffe, I imagined Bill White sitting at home, shouting at the TV "I can't believe I lost to that guy!!!", John Lovitz-style
I can't wait to see the ABC interview with Newt's ex tonight! I bet Callista gets so pissed that she will momentarily have a hint of color in her face.
http://news.yahoo.com/exclusive-gingrich-lacks-mo...
Apparently he wanted an open marriage….ladies we missed such a chance.
I was just reading some of the replies on the bloggies. People are saying that ABC wants to "trash Newt" before the election. I think it is hilarious.
Ye gods. Why do I subject myself to the Yahoo comment board? I would throw myself out of the window in despair, only I'm on the first floor and really don't want to crush the azalea bushes.
EQ, I can't go there! I went once and it made me physically ill to see what some people say there.
I wish Mayor Nutter would tell them to stop being idiots and assholes.
Newt wants an open marriage with Calista on the side. The offended ex-wife is speaking about it, not some reporter or pundit. And those people think ABC is in the wrong. There's definitely a part of "family values" I don't actually understand.
Well, now he has a three-some, … ohhh and Santorum.
Damnit. Guess I'll just have to be satisfied with tall, dark, handsome, svelte and actually smart.
So all the diamonds from Tiffany's weren't enough for her?
Oohh, they just said the "big deal" is the "Goblin" wanted his marriage as open as a NH primary.
That requires blood though, doesn't it?
Callista is the whiter and New the wider shade of pale. Even if they were wearing sheets you couldn't tell.
wouldn't it be great if they had the balls to put in a Callista-cam?
Why do I suddenly have an image of balls in Callista's face (ie, the "job interview" tape)?
"… she will momentarily have a hint of color in her face."
As a person of color, she'll never vote for him.
OMG–the palor, the rictus grin–she's been pre-embalmed, it's so obvious to me now!
Callista just might drunk-dial her former placeholder and demand she apologize.
20 years later, Callista will call her and ask if she's ready to apologize.
It took him awhile, but Perry has at last attained the same level of enlightenment as Michele Bachmann.
Maybe the next time they hear voices in their heads, telling them to do something, they will think twice.
So we lost Dopey too. I was sad about Crazy (Buchman) and Blacky (Cain) but Dopey….Say it ain't so!
I wonder if Porky is next.
I'm putting my money on Trolly (Paul).
Not Frothy?
I don't Frothy will Beat Greedy but he will stay in till the bitter end.
I'm hoping it comes down to a contest between magic underwear and magic eyebrows.
Still, I'm going to miss wonkette's occasional reprint of that great "young hot perry as texas hitlerjugend" pic. Fap fap fap.
Oh, I'm sure he'll find some way to stupidify his way back on to these pages.
I don't want to see that pic again. After being exposed to it I can't pass a mirror without checking my gig line.
I made it my wallpaper.
Now he'll have time to watch the Rangers hopefully, epic fail.
6 years, 60 million dollars for Yu Darvish? Did they learn nothing from the Red Sox-Daisuke Matsusaka Experiment?
Wow… with Perry out, no chance for the first gay President this time around…
I though W took care of that with Jeff Gannon.
Someone's forgetting James Buchanan.
Gay people were invented during the Sixties – there were no gay people back in Buchanan's day.
James or Pat?
BREAKING NEWS!
Perry Pulls Out! Santorum Slides In! Perry Positioned Behind Gingrich!
Wait your turn boys, there's plenty of asshole to go around
And yet Obama will the one to mop up that big frothy puddle of man-fuck for the next 4 years.
Buh-bye.
After the Turkey fiasco, I'm guessing some State Dept. folks gave him a little taste of extraordinary rendition. Texas, I mean.
WORD. Gah, even Rick Perry should know that Turkey is delicious.
GAH, that BLINGEE.
Unfortunately for us, Perry's dad never pulled out.
On the contrary: his Texas public sex education classes left him thinking that pulling out really was effective contraception.
Perry pulls a Sarah Palin??? Too bad because he had finally memorized those two departments he wanted to eliminate. I mean three.
If only he'd pull a Sarah Palin and quit being governor before his term is up.
This picture reminds me I have to get my dog's anal glands expressed. I'm also pretty sure my 7-year-old could beat Rick in Words with Friends.
Hahaha…the banfield vet at Petsmart wanted to show me how to express my dog's anal glands yesterday. I'm a DIYer, but not that DIY.
And I thought the "walking around with a little baggie full of warm dog shit" thing was the only good reason not to have a dog….
Oh dear, the evangelicals have one less Jebusy Rick to pin their hopes and prayers upon. Mormon Mittens is too Mormony and Newt is a mistress marrying swinger.
Save us Obi-Wan Santorum!
The whole Santorum family are liars/hypocrites (i.e. have "changed their positions") on premarital sex and abortion. You'll just have to stay home and pray this election cycle, Fundies!
So how many people is this who said that God told them to run for President who have subsequently dropped out? Two or three? Did he send them revised messages? Or did they merely not have enough faith to wait for the lightning bolts to take out all the pretenders?
Inquiring minds want to know.
God Apologizes for Glut of Republicans Who Say He Called Them to Run in 2012: "One Night I Butt-Dialed Five People w/out Even Realizing" – from The Daily Edge
My only regret is that I have but one thumbs up to give for this comment.
Now after his moronic showing on the national stage, will Texas still vote for him the next time reelection comes around?
Oh wait, these are Texans; ignorance is a virtue to most of them, of course they will.
Worst. Coming. Out. EVER.
I'll miss Rick! as much as I missed Fred!
Who? WHO???
I hope the Internet lives for no other reason than to revisit that Blingee.
It's too bad, because now CNN has to pull the daily "Stupid Shit Perry Said Yesterday" template from their website.
The montage above is like Rick's greatest hits of epic fail. Thanks for the memories, now get your ass back to Tejas.Pronto por favor.
No queremos.-Tejas.
This guy could write a library of "_____ for Dummies" books.
Not really.
Or at least dictate them.
Newt Gingrich is Rick Perry's idea of what a smart man sounds like.
Rick Perry is now America's idea of what a stupid man sounds like. Oops.
#welcomehomenowgoaway
it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons,
I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these Turkish Islamist terrorist killers. Thank you
Now watch this drive…
Puts cowboy booted feet up on desk.
Rick: "Well, that was great. I got me some name recognition- I'm all over the Youse Tube, you know! And I met a lot of strapping, healthy young men. Oh, yeah, and women. Runnin' for Prezdint is awesome! What should I do now, Jesus?"
Hands Rick an e-coli laden corn dog.
Jesus: "Here, my son, eat this."
And the political cartoonists wept.
Good move if he stayed in longer it might negatively affect the value of his brand.
So, it's the Romulan vs. open marriage wanna-haver Newt, with Santorum still sticking around. Most unsavory this election business.
Well, now that his alma mater bailed on the Big 12 for the SEC, maybe he'll do the same. "Georgia on line 2 for you, governor."
CNN and FoxNews both streaming live Prick Perry presser.
Cue that weepy Sarah MacLachlan bit and a box of Kleenex. I had overlooked Langer's earlier post about the unlikeliest of bonding moments between contenders, such as this one.
Kinda reminds me of Owen & Mzee but I can't decide who's the turtle & who's the baby hippo.
Somewhere Molly Irvins is laughing her ass off.
She and Ann Richards are probably smoking a big ole cosmic joint watching this whole thing from the 9th dimension. "We told you so, Texas. You're fucked! "
Sorry I missed this. I was thinking the same thing and typed too late. Molly, if you had anything to do with this spectacular failure, thank you. We need to start the beatification process.
The only better news is if Hopey takes Tejas in the general. YeeeeeHaaawwww mothterfuckers!
Yippy-ky-ay! Now git along lil' doggy, yer trail is done.
I suspect Ricky is going to be on the campaign trail with Newt because he want's to be Ambassador of Izz-becki-becky-stan or some other position. I'm thinking Under Secretary of Dipshit.
He's the front runner for Secretary of Fancy Book Learnin' (formerly Secretary of Education).
They grow em stupid in Tejas
Waiting on Perry, one photog stands up, turns around and snaps pics of seated journos. Noticing this, 3 other photogs do the same.
How quickly the dominoes are falling. We've lost the zzzzzz, the batshit crazy woman, the 9-9-9 sex offender, the somewhat sane Mormon, and now goes the re + tarded one. I figure the Pillsbury doughboy may well be gone in the next day or two (at least on Sunday)….we shall see.
you calling my boy T-paw the zzzzzz? that man made bridges fall!
"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE"
Fortunately, come November, there will be none
You got to think that T-Paw is kicking himself in the ass every morning when he wakes up.
Me: :::Looks at picture::: SNORT…spit!!!
Boss: Are you ok?
Me: Yeah…coffee just went down the wrong way.
You bastards…get over here and help me clean my keyboard!
Here he comes!
If Perry's gone, we don't even have the prospect of a strong military leader protecting America from the imminent threat posed by — oh, I dunno — Togo or Paraguay.
He's been away from his state for so long someone might need to gently remind him where he lives.
ps – best Blingee evah!
Had to look up Words with Friends on Wikipedia. Good thing Perry didn't drop out yesterday.
"This campaign has never been about the candidate….What's broken is our politics."
"What's broken is not our politics. What's broken is our Broca's area and neocortex. And therefore, I have no idea what I just said."
How did he Not crash a plane?
McCain did it THREE times!
It's hard to do, like Super Bowl wins.
I figured they put him in a drone and gave him a fake steering wheel.
"There is no viable path for me in this 2012 campaign. Therefore I am suspending my campaign and throwing my support to Newt Gingrich."
Liveblog-worthy exit speech, what with all the jesusgodmary bullshit going on.
How hard is it for political consultants to tell their candidates to never be photographed with phallus shaped food of any kind? Or do you have to pass the Iowa State Fair Corndog fellatio test to be a Republican contender nowadays?
Must be in the RNC bylaws.
Thanks to wifey, kids, Jesus, (dog forgotten?)…..
Perry said God called upon him to run for President. I wonder what happened.
A: Perry is lying.
B: God is lying
C: God wanted to humiliate Perry.
D: Perry is a typical Texas blowhard (ha ha) who thinks God died and put him in charge.
Goin' with D. And that's my final answer.
Perry's bound to have pocketed a million or so off of this escapade.
E: Wrong number
F. Oops.
When he had his big ol' prayer meetin', I said he should have just started a ministry instead of going into politics. But then I realized that even the most crazy, inarticulate preacher still makes more sense & will have more charisma than Perry.
"I've just begun to fight!"
Oh, please.
First Tim Tebow loses.
Now Gov. Perry drops out.
Who knew Jesus was a Pats fan who likes Ole Newt?
Technically, I think He favors the Saints (except last week).
Let me set you straight, Buddy. These days it's quite obvious Bill Walsh is back calling the plays. The Good Lord knows enough to stand back and let The Big Whistle do his magic.
Was just thinking of Tebow………
Magic fails to help Cameroon's footballers
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-16471695
I won't believe Perry has pulled out until I see a santorum-caked prophylactic hanging out of his sweatpants pocket.
death of comedy.
Best blingee evah….
I'll miss the three front-runners who have dropped out: Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann and…..ummmmm….I can't….I can't remember….Oops!
Watching newt accepting Rick's support with calypso in full silhouette beside him–instead of Tiffany's, couldn't they find a talented plastic surgeon instead?
Srsly, with all the money spent on Botox you'd think her plastic surgeon would just throw in a free nosejob.
While I got you up on the rack let me just tweak that nose a touch . . .
She needed to have the work done. Oral sex with Newt is rough on the face.
I think Rick needs a better religion.
Perry and Palin trying to boost Newt's chances in SC, why won't they just let the tubby two-timer succeed (suck seed? secede?) on his own? It's like some hateful helping-someone-in-need virus has infected them. What's next, jobs sweeping up after church for poor people?
"and he said, 'Callista doesn't care what I do,'"
I betcha, Callista has flip-flopped on that shit by now.. After all, she is perfectly positioned to learn the fine art of the flip-flop.
"If you want some more diamonds, baby, you'll flip over and let me in the back door."
Ben Bernanke just dodged a bullet.
Roll the tape that Rachel Maddow is fond of showing. Perry is in New Hampshire. He tells the people in front of him that he is very sympathetic with their "Live Free or Die" way of looking at the world. Someone presents him with a jug bottle of New England maple syrup and he gets all kinds of rhapsodic. That appearance pretty much says it all.
Rick – Next time you think you have a call from God to do something, just say, "You have the wrong number" and hang up the phone.
First Tebow, now Perry. When will these people finally realize that the calls from beyond are coming from a much hotter place?
Little Dumber Boy…
This is how Texans trip and fall into lifeboats.
Somewhere, Molly Ivins just sprayed a golden keyboard with heavenly laughter.
Return to Brokeback Mountain. A comedy in three parts.
Now I'll never get anybody to buy my Austin rent boy confessional! Back to Oilcan Harry's on uncut night…
New trailer: Perry 2016, laughs aplenty!
This is bullshit. Who else is left to vote for? Barry?
George W Bush is very happy today.
This is bad news for coyotes.
Thank you for the best blingee EVER!
Emails to Jesus
You know, if someone were to create a website that allows you to send an email to Jesus, it could result in many hours of laughter…
This: http://www.elijahjesusclub.com/EMailJesus.html
"send to Jesus"
"Start Over"
Which should Rick Perry choose?
Late to the game here but it must be said:
Adios, mofo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tVSOIEDTcU&fe...
(my favorite RP moment up until this election, now, who can possibly choose?)
Oh man! That is world class Blingee!
Exactly.
I'm asking a friend, former grad from Carnegie Mellon where they really invented the internet, to do some work up on the possibility of a background program which will obliterate 'Comments' sections from news sites. Problem is he works in MAC but I'd go full tilt Jumpin' Jobs if he does it.
I heard someone say once that Yahoo comments are a mental disease.
Sweet tap-dancing Christ, it really makes you think about going to the top of a mountain to live in a cave. Or just killing yourself.
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