Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman

  bah!

Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said?

Perry will be announcing his decision at a press conference in North Charleston at 11AM this morning, the day of the candidates’ final debate in South Carolina and two days before Saturday’s primary. Like his good pal and Words With Friends partner Jon Huntsman, who dropped out Monday, Perry is not doing so hot in South Carolina polls … at all, despite his now long-expired potential appeal to social conservatives there. His slim-to-invisible standing in SC carried over from New Hampshire and Iowa, where he placed sixth and fifth respectively. Nothing too complicated here: it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons, to which the public apparently wisely remarked, “Too soon.”

Things went from bad to worse this week when Perry said Monday that he believed that Turkey, a U.S. ally, is run by “Islamic terrorists.” He then proceeded to spend all week backing up his claim, unable to divorce the fact that he was once stationed in Turkey as an Air Force pilot from the fact that he fundamentally does not understand what’s going on there. Oops, indeed.

On that note, some of Perry’s golden moments from the campaign trail.

 
Related video

“Treasonous”

“Oops”

“Speed of Light”

“Turkey”

[LA Times]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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186 comments

    1. MildMidwesterner

      I also spent my college years trying to get some ass, but I never once considered the Democrat's donkey mascot as an acceptable option.

      1. Not_So_Much

        We all have our burdens to bear (Larry Craig is still here in Idaho with his super-tuber), but I feel the worst for you. Between what falls out of her cake-hole and Marcus bedazzling the entire state, it must be fucking horrible…

  1. Fukui_sanYesOta

    I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our Presidential candidates can't accuse key allies of being Islamic terrorist states or have no clue about politics in general.

    As a loser, I'll support Gringich's war on povertons. And I'll justify liberal attacks on our intellects.

    Bigotry, pig-ignorance and class warfare made America strong. They can make her strong again.

    I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

    Vote Newt Gingrich.

    (also, that blingee is sublime)

      1. ttommyunger

        Mine too, excepts it's more along the lines of a Vienna Sausage-Puppy (holds head in hand and sobs).

    1. Tundra Grifter

      ttug:

      A number of years ago we were walking along the beach next to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

      There was a long string of corndogs tossed onto the sand – a single bite had been taken out of each one.

      I became convinced they probably weren't very good.

  2. smashedinhat

    Should be fun watching Sarah Palin and Rick Perry positioning themselves within the Newt juggernaut. The stupid, it burns!

      1. Moonbatting Average

        After each Perry gaffe, I imagined Bill White sitting at home, shouting at the TV "I can't believe I lost to that guy!!!", John Lovitz-style

  3. Barb

    I can't wait to see the ABC interview with Newt's ex tonight! I bet Callista gets so pissed that she will momentarily have a hint of color in her face.

      1. Barb

        I was just reading some of the replies on the bloggies. People are saying that ABC wants to "trash Newt" before the election. I think it is hilarious.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Ye gods. Why do I subject myself to the Yahoo comment board? I would throw myself out of the window in despair, only I'm on the first floor and really don't want to crush the azalea bushes.

          1. James Michael Curley

            I'm asking a friend, former grad from Carnegie Mellon where they really invented the internet, to do some work up on the possibility of a background program which will obliterate 'Comments' sections from news sites. Problem is he works in MAC but I'd go full tilt Jumpin' Jobs if he does it.

          2. emmelemm

            I heard someone say once that Yahoo comments are a mental disease.

            Sweet tap-dancing Christ, it really makes you think about going to the top of a mountain to live in a cave. Or just killing yourself.

        2. JustPixelz

          Newt wants an open marriage with Calista on the side. The offended ex-wife is speaking about it, not some reporter or pundit. And those people think ABC is in the wrong. There's definitely a part of "family values" I don't actually understand.

      2. ThundercatHo

        Damnit. Guess I'll just have to be satisfied with tall, dark, handsome, svelte and actually smart.

  4. Captain_Quark

    It took him awhile, but Perry has at last attained the same level of enlightenment as Michele Bachmann.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Maybe the next time they hear voices in their heads, telling them to do something, they will think twice.

  5. Baconzgood

    So we lost Dopey too. I was sad about Crazy (Buchman) and Blacky (Cain) but Dopey….Say it ain't so!

  6. bureaucrap

    Still, I'm going to miss wonkette's occasional reprint of that great "young hot perry as texas hitlerjugend" pic. Fap fap fap.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I don't want to see that pic again. After being exposed to it I can't pass a mirror without checking my gig line.

    1. GOPCrusher

      6 years, 60 million dollars for Yu Darvish? Did they learn nothing from the Red Sox-Daisuke Matsusaka Experiment?

  7. YasserArraFeck

    BREAKING NEWS!
    Perry Pulls Out! Santorum Slides In! Perry Positioned Behind Gingrich!

    Wait your turn boys, there's plenty of asshole to go around

  8. slithytoves

    After the Turkey fiasco, I'm guessing some State Dept. folks gave him a little taste of extraordinary rendition. Texas, I mean.

    1. Guppy

      On the contrary: his Texas public sex education classes left him thinking that pulling out really was effective contraception.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    This picture reminds me I have to get my dog's anal glands expressed. I'm also pretty sure my 7-year-old could beat Rick in Words with Friends.

    1. ElPinche

      Hahaha…the banfield vet at Petsmart wanted to show me how to express my dog's anal glands yesterday. I'm a DIYer, but not that DIY.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        And I thought the "walking around with a little baggie full of warm dog shit" thing was the only good reason not to have a dog….

  10. OkieDokieDog

    Oh dear, the evangelicals have one less Jebusy Rick to pin their hopes and prayers upon. Mormon Mittens is too Mormony and Newt is a mistress marrying swinger.

    Save us Obi-Wan Santorum!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      The whole Santorum family are liars/hypocrites (i.e. have "changed their positions") on premarital sex and abortion. You'll just have to stay home and pray this election cycle, Fundies!

  11. SorosBot

    Now after his moronic showing on the national stage, will Texas still vote for him the next time reelection comes around?

    Oh wait, these are Texans; ignorance is a virtue to most of them, of course they will.

  12. GorzoTheMighty

    The montage above is like Rick's greatest hits of epic fail. Thanks for the memories, now get your ass back to Tejas.Pronto por favor.

  13. Joshua Norton

    it was the gaffes, which led to unfortunate W. comparisons,

    I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these Turkish Islamist terrorist killers. Thank you

    Now watch this drive…

  14. spends2much

    Puts cowboy booted feet up on desk.
    Rick: "Well, that was great. I got me some name recognition- I'm all over the Youse Tube, you know! And I met a lot of strapping, healthy young men. Oh, yeah, and women. Runnin' for Prezdint is awesome! What should I do now, Jesus?"

    Hands Rick an e-coli laden corn dog.
    Jesus: "Here, my son, eat this."

  15. widestanceshakedown

    So, it's the Romulan vs. open marriage wanna-haver Newt, with Santorum still sticking around. Most unsavory this election business.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, now that his alma mater bailed on the Big 12 for the SEC, maybe he'll do the same. "Georgia on line 2 for you, governor."

  17. Mumbletypeg

    Cue that weepy Sarah MacLachlan bit and a box of Kleenex. I had overlooked Langer's earlier post about the unlikeliest of bonding moments between contenders, such as this one.

    Kinda reminds me of Owen & Mzee but I can't decide who's the turtle & who's the baby hippo.

    1. ElPinche

      She and Ann Richards are probably smoking a big ole cosmic joint watching this whole thing from the 9th dimension. "We told you so, Texas. You're fucked! "

    2. Mojopo

      Sorry I missed this. I was thinking the same thing and typed too late. Molly, if you had anything to do with this spectacular failure, thank you. We need to start the beatification process.

  18. fartknocker

    I suspect Ricky is going to be on the campaign trail with Newt because he want's to be Ambassador of Izz-becki-becky-stan or some other position. I'm thinking Under Secretary of Dipshit.

  19. chascates

    Waiting on Perry, one photog stands up, turns around and snaps pics of seated journos. Noticing this, 3 other photogs do the same.

  20. hagajim

    How quickly the dominoes are falling. We've lost the zzzzzz, the batshit crazy woman, the 9-9-9 sex offender, the somewhat sane Mormon, and now goes the re + tarded one. I figure the Pillsbury doughboy may well be gone in the next day or two (at least on Sunday)….we shall see.

  21. Dashboard Buddha

    Me: :::Looks at picture::: SNORT…spit!!!
    Boss: Are you ok?
    Me: Yeah…coffee just went down the wrong way.

    You bastards…get over here and help me clean my keyboard!

  22. SayItWithWookies

    If Perry's gone, we don't even have the prospect of a strong military leader protecting America from the imminent threat posed by — oh, I dunno — Togo or Paraguay.

  23. mrsbitch

    He's been away from his state for so long someone might need to gently remind him where he lives.

    ps – best Blingee evah!

  24. chascates

    "There is no viable path for me in this 2012 campaign. Therefore I am suspending my campaign and throwing my support to Newt Gingrich."

  25. Schmannnity

    How hard is it for political consultants to tell their candidates to never be photographed with phallus shaped food of any kind? Or do you have to pass the Iowa State Fair Corndog fellatio test to be a Republican contender nowadays?

  26. JustPixelz

    Perry said God called upon him to run for President. I wonder what happened.

    A: Perry is lying.
    B: God is lying
    C: God wanted to humiliate Perry.
    D: Perry is a typical Texas blowhard (ha ha) who thinks God died and put him in charge.

    Goin' with D. And that's my final answer.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      When he had his big ol' prayer meetin', I said he should have just started a ministry instead of going into politics. But then I realized that even the most crazy, inarticulate preacher still makes more sense & will have more charisma than Perry.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    First Tim Tebow loses.

    Now Gov. Perry drops out.

    Who knew Jesus was a Pats fan who likes Ole Newt?

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Let me set you straight, Buddy. These days it's quite obvious Bill Walsh is back calling the plays. The Good Lord knows enough to stand back and let The Big Whistle do his magic.

  28. iburl

    I won't believe Perry has pulled out until I see a santorum-caked prophylactic hanging out of his sweatpants pocket.

  29. Biff

    Watching newt accepting Rick's support with calypso in full silhouette beside him–instead of Tiffany's, couldn't they find a talented plastic surgeon instead?

    1. ThundercatHo

      Srsly, with all the money spent on Botox you'd think her plastic surgeon would just throw in a free nosejob.

  30. SenileAgitation

    Perry and Palin trying to boost Newt's chances in SC, why won't they just let the tubby two-timer succeed (suck seed? secede?) on his own? It's like some hateful helping-someone-in-need virus has infected them. What's next, jobs sweeping up after church for poor people?

  31. cheaphits

    "and he said, 'Callista doesn't care what I do,'"

    I betcha, Callista has flip-flopped on that shit by now.. After all, she is perfectly positioned to learn the fine art of the flip-flop.

  32. DemonicRage

    Roll the tape that Rachel Maddow is fond of showing. Perry is in New Hampshire. He tells the people in front of him that he is very sympathetic with their "Live Free or Die" way of looking at the world. Someone presents him with a jug bottle of New England maple syrup and he gets all kinds of rhapsodic. That appearance pretty much says it all.

  33. Eve8Apples

    Rick – Next time you think you have a call from God to do something, just say, "You have the wrong number" and hang up the phone.

    1. Mojopo

      First Tebow, now Perry. When will these people finally realize that the calls from beyond are coming from a much hotter place?

  34. MiniMencken

    Now I'll never get anybody to buy my Austin rent boy confessional! Back to Oilcan Harry's on uncut night…

  35. DahBoner

    Emails to Jesus

    You know, if someone were to create a website that allows you to send an email to Jesus, it could result in many hours of laughter…

  36. OkieDokieDog

    God Apologizes for Glut of Republicans Who Say He Called Them to Run in 2012: "One Night I Butt-Dialed Five People w/out Even Realizing" – from The Daily Edge

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