GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:00 am January 19, 2012

Iowa GOP Still Having Trouble Counting Extremely Small Number

by Matt Langer

NEW YORK—So here’s a thing. One time, when we were in the seventh grade, our science teacher offered up an extra credit assignment: write down for him on notebook paper all the numbers between one and one million, and in exchange he would award a report card at the end of the year with straight As. Now we’d already racked up an A- in the first quarter—and endured no shortage of fire and brimstone in our pressure-cooker of an Ivy-League-or-bust household —so we jumped at the chance to strike this blemish from our record. But after a few nights of furious scribbling we realized we’d been had, that this was an exercise in futility, and we gave up somewhere in the vicinity of 50,000. Anyway, moral of the story: this episode has left us shaking our heads over here at just how long it has taken the Iowa GOP to count all fourteen votes (give or take) that were cast at last month’s caucuses. The story developed throughout the night—Santorum really won! What will the Romney campaign’s response be? They’ll call it a “virtual tie”! Wait, we take it back: We’re calling it a “split decision”!—and yet we woke up this morning in a world where none of this actually mattered at all because nobody cares, nothing has changed, Mitt Romney is still going to win this thing, stop talking.

Still another story broke last night about a thing nobody cares about, at least inasmuch as “nobody cares” can be equated with “not as interested as you think we are in hearing about something we already know beyond all shadow of a doubt,” namely: Newt Gingrich is kind of a douchebag! News to some, apparently—it brought out the Drudge Siren™!—but not really news at all. Sure, some of us (*raises hand*) will bask in the warm, comforting glow of schadenfreude flickering from our TV screens tonight when ABC airs its interview with Newt’s ex-wife (the second one), but still, there’s not really a there there. Now a there that is there, however, is this nugget from Drudge: “ABCNEWS suits determined it would be “unethical” to run the Marianne Gingrich interview so close to the South Carolina Primary, a curious decision, one insider argued, since the network has aggressively been reporting on other candidates.” A curious decision indeed! Since it’s not like this is some matter of national security—this isn’t Orvil Dryfoos and James Reston sitting around the table at the Times page one meeting debating whether or not to blow up Kennedy’s spot on the Bay of Pigs—this is an interview in which a bad man has mean things said about him. And yet ABC is playing politics! Can we blame Mark Halperin for this?

Speaking of playing politics, the Times today runs an interesting look inside the pre-debate prep at a network that knows a thing or two about that game. And it turns out that Juan Williams had a rough day on Tuesday: we already knew he spent the evening being told by a rich white man how black people were allowed to feel about the way white people talk about black people, but according to the Times he also had to spend the afternoon before the debate being lectured by editors about how calling Newt Gingrich’s racist dog-whistle rhetoric “racially charged” is somehow “a little heavy.” Which: ok!

So a crazy thing is happening tomorrow: Herman Cain is attending a Stephen Colbert rally? Yesterday’s campaign ad is a pretty good teaser of just how crazy this thing ought to be. But let’s just mull this one over a second time: Herman Cain. Former front-runner for the Republican nomination. Is attending a campaign rally. With a comedian. A comedian who is making fun of the very thing that Herman Cain was doing not so very long ago.

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 
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{ 168 comments }

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

I only have, uh, wait a sec…Yup, I only have 10(?) fingers. Guess that's all Iowa has, too.

Chichikovovich January 19, 2012 at 9:26 am

Their situation is even more challenging than that, because because they can't even get up to ten. It hasn't occurred to them to use their fingers, so they count on their teeth instead.

YasserArraFeck January 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

OK, so that'll get them to 12.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

We've been having great fun at the expense of a co-worker about this. He was bragging about how he was asked to bring his laptop and upload the Caucus results for the precinct, on the night of the Caucus.
I guess he thought it was a great honor.
Now I understand why Republiklans are so afraid of voter fraud, they can't even count their own votes correctly.

MaxNeanderthal January 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The fudge packing one's re-take on these results is on a par with my 6 year old's take on the rules of chequers, i.e. if you lost, you really won. Or as my cycling clubmates say "The moral victory was ours"….

x111e7thst January 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

Needs more Santorum running down a republican candidate's leg

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 9:08 am

You mean Herman Cain isn't a comedian?

Swampgas_Man January 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

Laughing AT is different than laughing WITH.

finallyhappy January 19, 2012 at 10:08 am

Does he know Colbert is a comedian? plenty of people didn't during the last election

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 10:39 am

More of a minstrel, really.

Callyson January 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

He might even outshine Colbert at this event. Steven, watch your back!

ShaveTheWhales January 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Nein, nein, nein.

Baconzgood January 19, 2012 at 9:11 am

Santorum split, that's pretty grody.

YasserArraFeck January 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

It's like a banana split…just a bit messier

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:24 am

Comes in a creamcup.

proudgrampa January 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Now that phrase is fraught with meaning…

Gleem_McShineys January 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

For some reason I hear that, and then think about "pudding-cup beard" and then for some reason, upchuck.

Texan_Bulldog January 19, 2012 at 9:13 am

"some of us (*raises hand*) will bask in the warm, comforting glow of schadenfreude flickering from our TV screens tonight when ABC airs its interview with Newt’s ex-wife (the second one),"

Hell, freaking yeah! Couldn't happen to a nicer dickwad! Go, scorned ex-wife, go!

sarah_connor January 19, 2012 at 10:40 am

I for one will hang on every word that falls from her Benson&Hedges chain-smoking lips! For realz.

DemmeFatale January 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

Yep.
"Hell hath no fury…"

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 9:15 am

Goddamn, another fucking debate? Why? They all agree; the Muslin usurper is destroying the country, contraception begins at penetration, and conservative fiscal and family values shall be forced down the country's throat. And no need for hoods, because blatant, overt racism is now a feature, not a bug.

Texan_Bulldog January 19, 2012 at 9:17 am

I think you mean conception begins at penetration because 'contraception' is not in these mouth breathers' vocabularies. See Duggars, Michelle & Jim Bob.

freakishlywrong January 19, 2012 at 9:35 am

I do, sorry, I'm in a photoshop quandry and only 80% of my brain is focused on Wonkett.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

Too moderate.

BaldarTFlagass January 19, 2012 at 10:43 am

I thought conception begins at erection to these folks.

MissTaken January 19, 2012 at 9:16 am

I haven't been on Drudge in many, many months to protect my sanity. But isn't that a lot of sirens?

Oh shit, just saw Perry is dropping out….oops.

Texan_Bulldog January 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

Crap, now he'll come back to Tejas full time. Things were actually going pretty good without him around–no natural disasters or fires and we finally got some rain!

proudgrampa January 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

My sympathies, dear.

Chichikovovich January 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

I think I'll take the day off Wonkette when all the "Santorum drops out" headlines start blazing. I still haven't recovered from the whole "anal bleaching" discovery.

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 9:42 am

I know what you mean. My first thoughts when I heard about anal bleaching were, "Why, in the name of all that's holey?" and "Boy, that's gotta sting."

Chichikovovich January 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

"all that's holey". Chuckle. Good one, ThH.

slithytoves January 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

This is good news for Turkey!

weej_bain January 19, 2012 at 9:35 am

And cranberries.

bureaucrap January 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

Hey, Texas, you can have your village idiot back! We're done with him (hopefully).

sunmusing January 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

Not yet, Mittens is considering making him his Secretary of State, because Perry knows how to handle those delicate diplomatic moments.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Maybe U.N. Ambassador. Rick could cut their pay, send them home, until they do what he tells them.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 10:40 am

Oh, freaking awesome–he's gonna throw his support behind the newt! This is good news for Lou $arah!

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 10:41 am

He is? Aw, with him and Bachmann gone who's gonna be the comic relief? Now the debates will just be pure unfiltered racist, classist, misogynist bile, without the laughs the total morons provided.

Baconzgood January 19, 2012 at 9:19 am

Now Jaun, instead of flat out asking Newt if he's a racist rephrase the question. Somthing like "Newt, now much do you like petting puppies?"

-Faux Noose Editor-

Uncle Glenny January 19, 2012 at 9:20 am

Some questions:

(1) Are they covering up all those votes Obama got

(2) Is there a developing schism between the Koch/ALEC/Corporatocracy wing of the party and the New Apostolic Reformation/Dominionist/Rapture-ready/C-Street wing

and if (2) is true,

(3) Is Newt seriously trying to sink Mittens and give the advantage to the latter group, or is he playing a complicated (for him) game of one-and-a-half dimensional chess and expecting backlash and distraction to sink Satanorum instead?

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

Re: (3) No, he's just a dick.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:34 am

Re: (2) – Yes, and you forgot the dried up sack of the Tea Party. The Fundies and Tax-Revolters are attack dogs that the Oligarchs unleashed after only half-training them. Now that it's in their interest to maybe pull back on the leash (i.e. antics in Congress and the anti-Mitt movement), the bitches won't come to heel.

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm

The Duggarman Gang? (I just got the Doberman Gang onDVD. It's from the early '70's and awesome for it's nostalgic B-movie cheese)

fuflans January 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

i think newt IS seriously trying to sink mittens but it's because he's an ornery egotistical newt who's totally pissed that mittens beat him at his own mean game and is seeking revenge.

hell hath no fury like a stay pufft scorned.

Captain_Quark January 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

So, even as Santorum oozes into a tight come-from-behind victory in Iowa, we see Santorum slipping to the bottom in South Carolina. This country is covered in a frothy coat of slime that seems to be going everywhere at once.

PsycWench January 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

I was thinking more "Gingrich, Romney slipon the path of Santorum" but the reference to a tight come-from-behind victory clearly puts you in first place here.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 10:01 am

My turn:

With rumors of an Iowa upset dribbling out over the last week, official vote tallies now show Santorum coming out from behind Romney. But results from eight precincts appear to have been wiped away. Should there be a run-off?

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

We pick corn, not Presidents.
Except in 2008.

slithytoves January 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

This is what happens when a caucus vote is based on the protocol of Secret Santa drawings.

Tundra Grifter January 19, 2012 at 9:23 am

You didn't have me at "Nobody cares."

Journalism 101, Matt – Never bury the lead.

SudsMcKenzie January 19, 2012 at 9:23 am

No One beats Santorum in the Corn Dog State.

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 9:52 am

I thought we were referring to Iowa as the Corn Hole State?

SudsMcKenzie January 19, 2012 at 10:26 am

#99CountyTour Correction Panora townmeet not pinora as in last Tweet. Also CrnHoe nt CrnDog@ChuckGrassley

Monsieur_Grumpe January 19, 2012 at 9:23 am

Jeez, I wonder what Callista thinks about this?
Ha! I made a funny. Callista thinks!
Ha!

PsycWench January 19, 2012 at 9:31 am

Oh, I imagine Callista has a secret inner life that is focused on finding somewhere to be other than Next To Newt, once the primary season is over.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 19, 2012 at 9:41 am

I suppose I shouldn't reg on her but that plastic, vacant stare… *shudder*

PsycWench January 19, 2012 at 9:46 am

The plastic, vacant stare of someone who is saying to herself "just a few more weeks…maybe a few more months…and I can go out in public without the Newt attached to my arm."

OneDollarJuana January 19, 2012 at 9:50 am

Usually Newt solves the problem before his wives do.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

Callista only thinks about swooping down from a thousand feet onto defenseless, small mammals. Or fighting the urge to bring a small grub (i.e. Newt's dick) back to her young.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 10:49 am

Which reinforces my Angry Birds theory.

MosesInvests January 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

Howler monkeys-harpy eagles hunt howler monkeys.

SudsMcKenzie January 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

I think she just made a "caw caw" sound and turned her neck 180 degrees.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

That's not a hair-do, it's a helmet.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

James Brown libel!!

OneDollarJuana January 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

Given the truckloads of campaign cash spent on TV ads, I'm sure that ABCNEWS suits determined it would be “unethical” "unprofitable" to run the Marianne Gingrich interview so close to the South Carolina Primary.

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

"I have a meat lovers pizza for Colbert"

MildMidwesterner January 19, 2012 at 9:24 am

Calling Gingrich a douchebag is demeaning to douchebags.

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 9:46 am

So true. Douchebags at least good for something.

BaldarTFlagass January 19, 2012 at 9:29 am

Damn, I can't find it within myself to give a fuck enough to even leave a comment on any of this shit. Gonna be a long day.

weej_bain January 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

Perry has jumped in the toilet and flashed the autoflush. Doesn't that pick up your spirits?

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 10:05 am

With Perry down the crapper, this is a sad day, for comedy.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 10:51 am

Bring back Arrested Development Michele!!1!

BaldarTFlagass January 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

Well, that just means he'll be coming back here to "govern." So, no. But thank you for trying to lift my spirits! I'm sure another post chock full o'fuck-tardery will come along soon and I will get my mojo working again.

DerrickWildcat January 19, 2012 at 9:29 am

We really need to let Herman be Herman. It's pretty important that we step back and give him some space.

LetUsBray January 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

It's also important to step back because, you know, you don't want to be in head-pushing range.

ttommyunger January 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

I would love to ignore Herman, if he could just satisfy himself with date-rapes in private and stay off the teevee machine and intertoobs.

PsycWench January 19, 2012 at 9:30 am

Incompetence or corruption? Neither seems worth it for a handful of votes. But it would be fun to hear accusations hurled as though the Iowa primary was somehow equivalent to the Florida general election in 2000.

ThundercatHo January 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

Already at it on MSN, "Acorn, Diebold, SCOTUS, hanging chads, voter fraud". Very boring comments actually since it's just a few on either side and the very dull moderates who try the whole "can't we all just get along?" tact.

Pragmatist2 January 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

The problems can be attributed to the fact that the Iowa GOP actually did not require Voter ID, so lots of aliens voted in languages unreadable to normal Americans.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Like English.

vulpes82 January 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

Plus, you know, all the Lizard People, who are known for their poor penmanship.

weej_bain January 19, 2012 at 9:33 am

34 votes, pffft. The Rethugs will always choose to be America's Bain over buttsechs.

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 9:36 am

You know what else Iowans can't count? On Corn Subsidies.

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

Nicely done.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

But then how can America afford to put HFCS into our gas tanks?

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 9:37 am

Damn…it just keeps getting better.
http://news.yahoo.com/romney-parks-millions-offsh

Chillwillard January 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

I can't help feeling like GOP idiots are immune to this kind of shit. Romney's "Why do you hate Capitalism/American values?" standard response seems to be working. The rest of the electorate will likely forget by the time the General Election comes.

Steverino247 January 19, 2012 at 10:00 am

They wouldn't be forgetting it if I was running Obama's campaign. Every five minutes I'd run an ad showing how nice the Cayman Islands are with a voice over saying how nice a time Romney's money is having there while you sweat over making ends meet.

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 10:11 am

and bumper stickers

"my money goes to the landlord – Mitt's goes to the Caymans"

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"I paid more in income tax than Romney did in the last ten years."

Monsieur_Grumpe January 19, 2012 at 10:22 am

No one should be surprised at this. Mr-I-love-America-more-than-Obama wants all the perks of living in the USA except that he wants to get it for free.
1% Scum.

DaRooster January 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

You know who else has been involved in an exercise in futility?

(besides my refi)

Mumblety██ January 19, 2012 at 10:27 am

Edgar Allan Poe?

Well, he tormented himself as if he had. But he (or his legacy) emerged more successful than many of us plagued by self-doubts, even if he had trouble convincing himself he could transcend them.

SorosBot January 19, 2012 at 10:45 am

Richard Simmons?

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

Kirstie Alley?

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Jim Fixx?

(too soon?)

Mumblety██ January 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

Mercy sakes, Herman, what's next? Appearing on SNL in drag?

Haha, I kid. That kind of publicity stunt belongs to real politicians, with helpfully poetical names, like Rudi Julie Ani.

SpiderCrab January 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

Any day now Mitt will be getting that 3 AM knock on the door from Karen.

ShaveTheWhales January 19, 2012 at 2:40 pm

This deserves more attention.

Mort_Sinclair January 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

Every time the Republicans start whining about voter fraud and vote counting irregularities that either do cause them to lose an election or might cause them to lose an election, all anyone needs in reply are three words: Iowa caucuses 2012. STFU. Guess that's actually seven. I count like a Republican! (runs screaming from the room)

DaSandman January 19, 2012 at 9:45 am

Hermie's going cause Colbert has all his bitches and he wants them back.

cheaphits January 19, 2012 at 9:46 am

If the republican silliness is getting you down, Andrew Sullivan says:

"How Obama's Long Game Will Outsmart His Critics
Jan 16, 2012 12:00 AM EST

The right calls him a socialist, the left says he sucks up to Wall Street, and independents think he's a wimp. Andrew Sullivan on how the president may just end up outsmarting them all. .
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/01/15/

I don't agree with all he says (and you probably won't either), but it's good that amid the craziness someone is saying it.

Mariecohn January 19, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Cheap, thank you for pointing this out. I read Andrew's piece (he's a friend, yes) and liked it. Probably not for the reasons he wrote it, but still.

PsycWench January 19, 2012 at 9:47 am

I noted many comments on a CNN story about the interview with Marianne Gingrich to the effect of "When are they going to dig up this kind of information on Obama?"

Sadly, Obama is still married to his first wife, the mother of his children, and no one has accused him of cheating on her. Is that so hard to grasp?

finallyhappy January 19, 2012 at 10:11 am

all of those questions on CNN are really saying " Obama is black"

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:55 am

They have been digging into Obama since 2007, and there is nothing to find. But he is Blah, so they must not be trying hard enough.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

To the eternal question newt chose Marianne, though he clearly had his sights set on Ginger Calypso.

JustPixelz January 19, 2012 at 11:33 am

"Is that so hard to grasp?"

As a scholar of evil psychology, you should be able to recognize myth-making to resolve cognitive dissonance: "Roosevelt let the Japanese attack so he could go to war against Hitler", "Bush let al Quada attack so he could to to war against Saddam", "Obama was born in Kenya", "Aliens control my thoughts." OK, the last one is true — that's normal, right?

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Well, according to Bible Spice, the President was elected without being vetted.
And Oily Titz still insists that the circumstances behind his birth is a Grand Conspiracy.

John Birf Society January 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

Perry's backdoor exit will create a Santorum surge that will cover Romney.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 9:53 am

Does Newt have enough scorned exes for a vengeful drunken lesbian makeout session between them yet?

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

I blame the victim. Juan Williams was asking for it.

LesBontemps January 19, 2012 at 10:17 am

Yeah, what was he thinking, going there dressed like that (black)?

weej_bain January 19, 2012 at 9:54 am

Moar Dudgie blew light special !!1!

Pedobear has morphed into Puritybear. This will for sure put the brakes on teenage sexing.

OMG!!! Extemperanus have you been making videos?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

That made my day!
Thanks.

deanbooth January 19, 2012 at 10:34 am

Show me on the bear where he didn't touch you.

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

Oh for fuck's sake.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

The decision to make that video will define the rest of those kids' lives.

OneYieldRegular January 19, 2012 at 9:55 am

No one is forcing Juan Williams to stay at FOX.

ttommyunger January 19, 2012 at 10:38 am

Juan is a pathetic little sellout, sorry.

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

His contract stipulates that they'll only buy him plane tickets on Muslim-free flights. He's not going to pass up a sweetheart deal like that!

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

Yes, but the liberals at PBS…the ones in their liberal garb, make him nervous.

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Who else would have him?

carlgt1 January 19, 2012 at 9:57 am

four words for Newt: woman….scorned….revenge….cold

Swampgas_Man January 19, 2012 at 9:57 am

There's a difference between journalistic "digging" and just glancing downward.

Steverino247 January 19, 2012 at 9:57 am

NY Times Headline: Obama invades Caymans, Erases Deficit

Chet Kincaid January 19, 2012 at 9:57 am

Free enterprise, Juan! When you pick your plantation, you dance to the whip that brung ya.

chascates January 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

Gingrich will probably claim he should get Rick Perry's Iowa votes, with Perry dropping out and endorsing Newt.

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 10:02 am

"all the numbers between one and one million"

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Hey look, I found them all!

Biff January 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

You missed ∞

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

That$B!G(Js not a number.(J(J That$B!G(Js two big breasts on a very thin woman.

OneYieldRegular January 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

That deserves a free ticket to the State of the Union address.

SudsMcKenzie January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

"Hi, I'm Rick, lemmi tella ya 'bout reverse mortgages"

ph7 January 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

Herman's attending the political rally to meet those young, earnest (i.e., horny) coeds he's heard so much about.

Chichikovovich January 19, 2012 at 10:06 am

"when ABC airs its interview with Newt’s ex-wife (the second one)"

So this is the ex-wife who had been dancing the bedroom boogie with Newt while he was still married to cancer-stricken wife number one. (It's apparently OK because during all that time bougeant dans la chambre à coucher Newtie-poo totally said he and wife one were talking about a divorce. And the cancer thing? Complete surprise to the li'l butter tart.) Then she found that Newt had been such a spendthrift and so irresponsible about keeping a budget and records concerning the massive debts he had racked up that she needed to take over the finances altogether. (OK, this part of the story radiates plausibility, no argument there.) But it came as a 100% Strumpet Surprise to her to learn [like, millions of years later, fershur] Newt had fought like a cornered ferret to avoid alimony and child support, and then dodged the payments until lawyers got involved. (I'm sensing that here the story begins to – as my friends in Literary Studies say – deconstruct itself.)

The li'l jaguar has a front row seat to witness Newtie in all his Newtieness for over a decade, but is all Captain Renault to learn that the last six of those years have been haunted by the spectre of a future plastic surgery victim, and that Newt is perhaps not the moral exemplar he incessantly represents himself as being. Then [and only then] she finds herself questioning Newt's decency and honesty when he makes a pompous family values speech the day after informing her that she has been out-homewrecked.

That's the ex-wife we're talking about, right? I think I'll see if I have a book on the early history of the Welland Canal or maybe the economic history of Fort Wayne to read instead of watching. 'Cause amassing new evidence that the Thin-skinned Toxic Salamander is a weird, dishonest, self-deceived, weak-willed, douchebag, horndog weasel of Duke of Windsor proportions [And he's fat too] is like throwing salt in the ocean at this point.

Though I might tape the interview just in case I ever need an example of Karma and self-deception presented in its purest crystalline form.

BaldarTFlagass January 19, 2012 at 10:18 am

"Newt had fought like a cornered ferret to avoid alimony and child support, and then dodged the payments until lawyers got involved."

Apparently, Newt also served as a role model for one Congressman Joe Walsh.

BTW, very nice summing up there, Cheech. Do you write for Cliffs Notes on the side?

elviouslyqueer January 19, 2012 at 10:48 am

*golf clap*

Also, +1 for "l'il butter tart."

DemmeFatale January 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

I heart you.
Especially for "li'l butter tart" and "horn dog weasel of Duke of Windsor proportions."

ShaveTheWhales January 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Thank you for the summary. Aside from its general wondrousness, it reminded me of the answer to a question that had been baffling me, to wit, why had the Newt offspring (Salamandrettes?) come out against the broadcasting of this interview?

I was thinking that they might harbor some dissatisfaction with the facts that Newter had both ditched their mom on her sickbed and stiffed them on child support. However, I was overlooking the fact that Marianne is almost certainly seen by the daughters as the sole cause of their parents' divorce. It takes a lot to destroy kids' natural loyalty to a parent, especially a surviving one.

I'd also bet (although I don't have the facts to back this up) that Newt was a hella Disneyland Dad.

Ruhe January 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

"Which: ok!" At first glance I read that "Which" as an onomatopoeia for a whip-snapping sound…and that seemed appropriate.

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

Herman Cain attends those rallies with one of those carts they tow to city intersections. But instead of tacos the guy in the booth sells "This Is Herman Cain!: My Journey to the White House and guide to Oral Sex."

CapeClod January 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

Its South Carolina, Juan. Those idiots just celebrated the 150th anniversary of the start of a war in which they were all but destroyed. Do you think that a black man can accuse a white man of being racist in an enviornment like that?

Dr_Zoidberg January 19, 2012 at 10:13 am

Ok, so Rick Perry is dropping out of the race. Now, if only the rest of them would drop out of the race too…

bureaucrap January 19, 2012 at 10:15 am

"United Rentboys of Austin Sends a warm "Welcome Home" to its best client!"

Callyson January 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The Frothy Mix is green with envy.

finallyhappy January 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

I can't believe Santorum is still in the race- which proves to me how incredibly stupid and racist the GOP are.

sunmusing January 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

Ricky is on tv right now, explaining his failure. He still doesn't make sense. But look out Texas he is on his way back to……I don't know what his point is….still. Is Texas still in the Union?

CapeClod January 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

Oh, and ABC. Thanks for not damaging the chances of a man who has no chance of winning and is in it just to cause as much damage to the front runner as he can.

FlownOver January 19, 2012 at 10:16 am

We can blame Mark Halperin for everything.

…or was that a trick question?

UnholyMoses January 19, 2012 at 10:28 am

ISN'T THIS WHOLE THING OVER BY NOW?!?!

I mean, Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a Pogo Stick … Mittbot will be the nominee, will get crushed by Obama, and y'all will go back to calling the President a nigger "Food Stamp President" while accusing him of being a Kenyanizedsocialisticmuslimfreedomhater. You just won't have to do so during debate #1,093,781.

So enough already, GOP. Stop it. Just … stop.

IncenseDebate January 19, 2012 at 10:33 am

Put a beard and dark glasses on Iowa and pay up for embarrassing Mitt Romney in public?

BZ1 January 19, 2012 at 10:33 am

Colbert-Cain 2012!!!

Biff January 19, 2012 at 10:39 am

That makes me one prolific breeder.

ttommyunger January 19, 2012 at 10:41 am

Colbert and Cain. Both are funny, but only one knows it.

sarah_connor January 19, 2012 at 10:47 am

that was pretty much the way I learnt it in mah catholic school upbringing. they'd have you believe that if you held hands and didn't conceive you were a murderous harlot. boys are, after all, just being boys.

widestanceshakedown January 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

And what the boys learned in yah catholic school upbringing was to keep their mouths closed until a priest told them to open it waaay wide.

You have my condolences.

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

"In her most provocative comments, the ex-Mrs. Gingrich said Newt sought an "open marriage" arrangement so he could have a mistress and a wife. "

Hahahahahahahahaha….gasp

hahahahahahaha….wheeze

hahahahahaha…cough cough gasps for breath

Guppy January 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

Actually that is surprising. I figured him to be the type to ask for forgiveness rather than for permission.

The fact that he went ahead and did it anyway, however, doesn't surprise me.

Dashboard Buddha January 19, 2012 at 11:34 am

It also proves that power is the most powerful aphrodisiac. In the next reality over, the one where Newt changes tires at Cooter's garage, he's just not getting laid at all.

actor212 January 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

In fairness, thirty four is more toes than anyone in Iowa has.

Except ol' Uncle Fred who lives by the fracking platform.

And he's a Democrat!

GOPCrusher January 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

You've obviously have never been to Palo. Home of the Duane Arnold Nuclear Energy Plant.

actor212 January 19, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Those aren't toes, those are feet.

JustPixelz January 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

Their trouble with counting tell us how they will approach the accounting needed to balance the budget.

True story:
At the 2008 Republican convention, McCain wanted to show that Sarah Palin was really bright enough to be President should the need arise. So he brought her up on stage and asked, "Sarah. What is 435 divided by 2?" The answer, of course, is the number of Electoral votes needed to win. With her trademark smale, she answered, "One hundred". A hush fell over the crowd. Then a lone voice started chanting "Give her another chance. Give her another chance." Soon everyone was shouting. "Give her another chance. Give her another chance." So McCain waved for quiet and asked, "Sarah. What is 50 minus 13?" The answer, of course, is the number of states added since the founding of the nation. Once again with a big smile, Palin answered, "30!". Again a hush followed by chanting. "Give her another chance. Give her another chance." And again McCain waved for silence. "OK Sarah. What is two plus two?" She stepped up to the microphone. "Five, you betcha!" The Republican delegates were silent. Then the chant arose. "Give her another chance. Give her another chance."

thebeatgoeson January 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Hey Matt,
Did we have the same middle school teacher? We were issued that challenge (although I think there was a deadline of a week or two) and my classmates spent their lunchtime furiously scribbling numbers. I, on the other hand, calculated how long would take to do such a thing and realized it was not possible. Can't remember if I shared my discover with my classmates or just let them waste their time…

owhatever January 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Calling your sick wife to tell her you love her while simultaneously getting a blowjob in her bed from your mistress is the kind of leadership this country needs. Then doing it again with different women, with the former mistress now in the role of the sick wife, shows consistency of strong character. No wonder conservatives love him.

teebob2000 January 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

>>"Ivy-League-or-bust household"

Your family must be SO disappointed, Matt.

Nostrildamus January 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Here's how to write all the numbers from 1 to 1 million: First write the digit 1. Next, write the digits 0-9 on top of one another just to the right of the 1. Next, repeat the second step 5 more times, moving one place to the right each time. You're done. All the numbers 1-1,000,000 are there. They're not particularly readable, but readability was not a criteria was it?

sarah_connor January 19, 2012 at 10:50 am

plenty of chubby chasers in the sea! Hey-o!

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