I vill ask ze qvestions.Insipid rich dweeb Mitt Romney is facing even more impertinent questioning about his infinite investments, and the answers may surprise you — if you just landed on Earth and then decided to jump off a stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Seems ol’ Mitt is allegedly using every rich dude trick in the book (written by rich dudes) to pay as little in taxes as possible. Not really a problem, if you’re gainfully employed at the Arby’s in Duluth and just click on whatever TurboTax tells you to. Gainfully employed? Manual clicking? That doesn’t sound like our Mitt now, does it?

The poking about into Romney’s finances was as inevitable as his running for president for the next 200 years. So why could Mitt only speak in tongues when pressed by famed rhetorician Rick Perry at Monday’s debate to release his tax returns?

I think I’ve heard enough from folks saying, look, let’s see your tax records. I have nothing in them that suggests there’s any problem and I’m happy to do so. I sort of feel like we are showing a lot of exposure at this point. And if I become our nominee, and what’s happened in history is people have released them in about April of the coming year and that’s probably what I would do.

Friends, that is the jibber jabber of a man crossing his fingers behind his back. It is also the signal for news orgs to RELEASE THE ACCOUNTANTS!

As one of the wealthiest candidates to run for president in recent times, Romney has used a variety of techniques to help minimize the taxes on his estimated $250 million fortune. In addition to paying the lower tax rate on his investment income, Romney has as much as $8 million invested in at least 12 funds listed on a Cayman Islands registry. Another investment, which Romney reports as being worth between $5 million and $25 million, shows up on securities records as having been domiciled in the Caymans.

His campaign insists Romney’s tax bill would be the same even if he kept all his money in a Serta mattress somewhere on US soil. So the point of flying sacks of cash first-class to the Cayman Islands would be….?

[Tax experts] say the offshore accounts have provided him — and Bain — with other potential financial benefits, such as higher management fees and greater foreign interest, all at the expense of the U.S. Treasury.


[Jack Blum, a Washington lawyer who is an authority on tax enforcement and offshore banking] said working through an offshore investment vehicle allows the investor to “avoid a whole series of small traps in the tax code that ordinary people would face if they paid tax on an onshore basis.”

Trillions of points to anyone who can get Mitt to release a tax return from any year not immediately preceding the last two presidential elections! [ABC News via WaPo]

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  • MrFizzy

    I have 14 Kruggerands stored in Santorum's rectum. Don't tell.

  • nounverb911

    The Swiss Bankers Association is disappointed Rmoney didn't trust them. After all they kept the Nazi gold safe for years.

    • Tundra Grifter


      They also kept the gold of their Jewist depositors so safe they wouldn't turn it over to their heirs. Remember that? "Well, the paperwork isn't in order." Or "You need the deposit book [burned in a death camp oven, of course]."

      • finallyhappy

        I knew a woman who spent 4 years in a "labor camp" during the Holocaust. She told me she hated the Swiss more than the Germans because of what the Swiss had done before, during and long after WWII

        • DahBoner

          Never trust people so cheap, they put holes in their cheese….

        • Tundra Grifter


          "In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.

          "In Switerzland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."

          – Orson Welles & Graham Greene, "The Third Man"

          And, of course, secret banking.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Rmoney thumbs up ∞

    • Rmoney is better than Ron Paul's Rloveution. Well played!

  • Barb

    Mitt wants me to send my money to DC while he sends his to the Cayman Islands?
    I think he's stalling so that those five toothy sons of his have more time to dive into restaurant dumpsters to look for receipts.

  • That's not a lot of money, my friend

    • Generation[redacted]

      Offshore tax havens are people, my friend.

      • They create jobs for Caymanians, who would otherwise come here and steal good American Mexican jobs.

        • Gleem_McShineys

          We have to pay them over there, so we don't have to pay them over here.

  • paris biltong

    Mitt Romney for president of the Cayman Islands 2012!

  • widestanceshakedown

    Exposing this is an attack on our free market values!

    Somewhere, someone will say this and mean it.

    • chicken_thief

      CLASS WARFARE!!!1!!!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yes. Yes it is.

        And it's about fucking time, isn't it?

    • V572 the Merciless

      Wouldn't it be nice if Mittens stopped talking about himself as a "capitalist" (which is someone who amasses capital to build productive stuff like factories) and started using the correct term for his line of work, which is "corporate arbitrageur." Viz:

      An investor who attempts to profit from price inefficiencies in the market by making simultaneous trades that offset each other and capturing risk-free profits.

      Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't create value for society as a whole, any more than a crow feasting on road-kill opossum is managing wildlife.

      • aka "Fantasy American Way Of Life." You people are drafted and traded hourly, my friend!

  • SorosBot

    You know, is was tax evasion that finally brought Al Capone down too.

    • LabRodent

      And Syphilis. (l demand to see his medical records)

    • MissTaken

      Capone ended up on a little island just offshore, too!

      • SorosBot

        Heh, true; I bow before your cleverness.

    • The average American thinks that Al Capone is just some character Bobby DeNiro played in that one movie. They also think -according to the polls – that Willard is a "Capitalist" who can get the economy going.

      • RedneckMuslin

        Willard was a rat. Ask Michael Jackson.

  • nounverb911

    Is Mitt hiding the money from the US Treasury or the Mormon Church treasury?

    • widestanceshakedown

      All of them, nouny.

    • DahBoner

      No Blitz

    • Biff

      That's what I've been asking since this whole tempest started. When SLC discovers he's been stiffing them, he'll have hell to pay.

      • He'll have to take out a second mortgage on his afterlife planet!

    • poorgradstudent

      I got this lovely image of Uncle Sam and Joseph Smith kicking the crap out of a sobbing Mittens.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        While the angel Moroni beats him over the head with his trombone.

    • teebob2000

      Oh, no, he probably tithed like a muthafucker. Also helped the LDS with LOTS of lucrative investment opportunities through Bain. He didn't leave them behind, don't worry.

    • OneYieldRegular
  • OkieDokieDog

    I suspect Mexican Mormon Mittens of also being a Joo since he has so much monies.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Release the Paultards!

    • DahBoner

      "obommitt romney the mormon jew will win, because he has already been anointed by the cfr."

      What's the difference between a regular joo and a mexi-mormon joo???

  • Generation[redacted]

    “avoid a whole series of small traps in the tax code that ordinary people would face"

    IT'S A TRAP!

    • chicken_thief

      "…that ordinary people would face…"

      But, but… I'm not ordinary. I'm unique, like a beautiful falling snowflake on a sunny, pristine mountain top.

      Can I have a loophole now?!

      • sati_demise

        Do you have a lobbyist?

        If not, then NO.

    • Midway117

      More importantly, what about the scene where Leia screams "It's a trap!" to Luke in Empire Strikes Back? As a young girl, that particular rendering of the trap warning made a big impression on me.

  • Joshua Norton

    “avoid a whole series of small traps in the tax code that ordinary people would face if they paid tax on an onshore basis.”

    Or, as Mittens refers to them, The Help.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Willard wants all the benefits of living in this country without paying for it. Freeloader. Get a job.

    Jeez, I sound like a Republican.

    • Let's check:
      – condescending attitude
      – class warfare
      – accusation of anti-Americanism
      – racist undertones

      Sorry Monsieur. You forgot the racism. You don't sound like a Republican.

  • MissTaken

    Tax Avoidance Is Not Tax Evasion!

    ~ The Cayman Islands National Motto

    • Swampgas_Man


  • SudsMcKenzie

    Pfft, Hopey has more souls in Gitmo. Thats an island right?

  • LesBontemps

    What's the big deal? 33 million is not very much money. It's not even 100 times as much as that pittance he makes on speaking fees.

    • widestanceshakedown

      The destruction of mathematics is a beautiful thing.

  • OkieDokieDog

    New campaign ad: Libards have Mittens Envy because he's handsome and riche.

  • Tundra Grifter

    The Romney campaign is telling us the taxes are the same. That means, the tax paid by Mittens on the income he receives isn't altered by the fact that a Cayman Islands corporation is paying him.

    What is being left out of the conversation is the obvious fact that the profits made by those corporations, sheltered by being domiciled in a tax haven, are greatly increased at the expense of the US taxpayers.

    Somehow, I don't think that is going to be brought up by these flaks.

  • Schmannnity

    Where I come from, Cayman Islands usually means drug money laundering. Of course, he may have some money with Allen Stanford.

    • DahBoner

      Where I come from, Cayman Islands usually means drug money laundering ,,,

      Or maybe he's started a dive shop, with special extra-large wet suits, to cover the magic underwear…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's been rumored Mittens has been trafficking caffeine to the Salt Lake City area. There's no known paper trail, but if they ever find one, you can bet it ends in the Caymans.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If our country has to be led by a bazillionaire alien president, I'd rather it be Thomas Jerome Newton.

    • Midway117

      Alas, he's too sexy, too smart, too thoughtful. We should be so lucky.

  • Baconzgood

    It takes till April to cook his tax returns? He needs a better CPA.

    • Callyson

      I think his CPA gets a bonus check for stalling.

    • chicken_thief

      He needs a better "damage control" team, too.

    • V572 the Merciless

      Engnhng, when you actually are going to have to pay some taxes, which you do if all your income is from dividends and interest (because The Riches got furious when the IRS tried to add withholding to the payments like they do for W2 income) you're not in any hurry to file.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Don't worry, Republicans — when the last stupid, corrupt, horrible wife-swapping know-nothing quits the race, and Mitt's the last one standing there, you'll reluctantly accept his hand in unholy matrimony just like you did with McCain. And while it's tough being the twelve-year-old girl in this little arranged marriage, you'll begin to appreciate him when you're — um — forty or something, okay? We'll be waiting outside for the display of the bloody sheet.

    • DahBoner


    • ThundercatHo

      Well, that sounds better than waiting for the frothy sheet.

  • paris biltong

    "Greater foreign interest" is a meaningless phrase in this context. What they're probably trying to refer to is "carried interest" and their failure to explain the facts reflects the failure of the press – and people in general – to appreciate the unbridgeable gap that exists between the rich and everyone else. They're different and should be eaten. Period.

    • LesBontemps

      Mmmmm, rich ……

      • paris biltong

        Eat the Rich: there's only one thing they're good for
        Eat the Rich: take one bite now – come back for more
        Eat the Rich: I gotta get this off my chest
        Eat the Rich: take one bite now, spit out the rest

    • chicken_thief

      I'm thinking that no matter what you marinade Mittens in or for how long, he'll still taste like some piece of plastic shit.

    • Sparky Mc███

      Eaten? I'm not eating one bite of those bastards, because I'm certain they taste as putrid as their souls.

  • Hera Sent Me

    A dog-abusing, flip-flopping, business-destroying, magic underpants-wearing, job-eliminating, money-laundering, born-rich guy with hair from Big Boy's and a smile like a botox patient.

    Obama must have been a very, very good boy to get such a fabulous Christmas present this early.

    • And Santa was all like, "I'll hold my nose and give him this present, but…"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And yet, even with all those qualifiers you've so diligently listed, he's the most "electable" of all the Republicans in the race.

      Hopey, do not screw this up.

  • nounverb911

    "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes…"
    –Leona Helmsley

  • SorosBot

    Shorter Mittens: "Maniacal laugh! Maniacal laugh!"

    • BerkeleyBear

      Muppets libel!! Tex Richman at least could be fixed through severe head trauma – nothing's getting through Mittens' hair armor.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Cayman Islands are people, too, my friend!

  • You know who ELSE tried to hide their crime on a Caribbean Island?!

    • MissTaken

      Cpt Jack Sparrow?

      • fuflans

        i do not know why, but if reports of cpt jack's split from his french sprite are true i will be sad.

    • LabRodent

      I'll take that weird guy who killed Natalie Holloway for the win Chet.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Christopher Columbus?

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • SexySmurf


    • SorosBot

      Dr. No?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Baby Doc. Also, Papa Doc, too.

    • chicken_thief

      Michael Corleone?

    • The CIA at the Bay of Pigs?

    • jus_wonderin

      The Bermuda Triangle?

    • IncenseDebate

      Rush Limbaugh?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      David Copperfield?

    • Hernán Cortés?

    • Ernest Hemingway?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Tom Cruise in The Firm?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dr. Moreau?

    • gullywompr

      The Dutch?

    • fuflans

      edmund dantes?

    • Me, once or twice.

    • Gainsbourg69

      Dr. Esteban De La Fuente?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Admiral Dewey? (Sorry, Not That)

  • freakishlywrong

    Wow, Mormons are weird. They can't smoke, drink or cuss but apparently lying, stealing and cheating are all a-ok.

    • Well, how would YOU juggle five wives?

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I have a distrust of Mormons which comes from actual experience. Let’s just say some Mormons have no problem breaking contracts when it’s justified by God.

      • LiveToServeYa

        Or justified because the little clock in their head went cuckoo.

        • Swampgas_Man

          Or the little cash register in their head went ka-CHING!

      • DahBoner

        I have a distrust of Mormons People Who Have To Tell You That They Are Christians which comes from actual experience…


    • jus_wonderin

      I am not familiar with their religion. Does it work similar to a cafeteria plan?

      • DahBoner

        All religions pick and choose which side verses they like..

  • fartknocker

    Offshore banks are corporations and my friend, people.

    If had one percent of his wealth I would do stupid shit like pay off mortgages for poor people, give money to the local food bank and animal shelter, and other liberal, progressive things. I would help some homeless folks. Yeah, I'm just another money grabing fucking liberal giving handouts.

    • jus_wonderin

      No snark: I agree with the sentiment.

    • See, that's why libtards are so stupid with all their humanitarian philanthropy and whatnot. If you were a smart businessman like Mittens you would tithe your church so you can have your own planet after you die.

      • Biff

        Yeah, like he's given them upwards of $25 million…

    • But he gave $50 to a black lady to pay her light bill!

    • Swampgas_Man

      See? That's WHY you don't have his kind of money.

  • The Cayman Islands sound like a wonderful place for Mittens to go eff himself and retire.

  • finallyhappy

    I have money offshore as well- I lost $1 that I had in a pocket when I stupidly went wading in Florida in a pair of shorts.

  • IRLTroll

    Romney owes us a sound bite commensurate with his capitalist idols: JG Wentworth and Wesley Snipes. "That’s probably what I would do" isn't going to cut it.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Uninevitable, that's what you are.
    Uninevitable, you came so far
    Like a childish crush that used to be
    Mitt, my friend, you're now history.
    Rarely before has someone been more
    Uninevitable on Saturday
    Then forever more, you'll go away
    Because, Romney, c'est inevitable
    The GOP found you inedible
    And now will love Newton Leroy more than you."

  • Goonemeritus

    Lets not jump to conclusions here Mitt may have a reasonable explanation, those accounts could be for another wife and family that live off shore.

    • DahBoner

      those accounts could be for another wife and family that live off shore.

      A very, very tiny family that could fit in a post office box!

  • Callyson

    "I think I’ve heard enough from folks saying, look, let’s see your tax records."
    Mittens wants us all to pipe down–if we have to bring up such delicate issues, we should do so in a quiet room somewhere…

    • LesBontemps

      Love to, if the quiet room features a rack.

      • Biff

        In a quiet room noone can here you scream.

  • Generation[redacted]

    The Cayman Islands, or as I like to call it, "Galt's Archipelago."

  • DahBoner

    My accountant tells me I can save a lot of money on taxes, if I move my business to a post office box in the Bahamas….

    • Polythene_Pam

      My accountant tells me that I can save a lot of money on taxes if I move my family to a storage unit right here in the Chicago suburbs.

      • I'd go with a PODS® moving container in a Cook County Forest Preserve.

  • Tax dodgers are people, my friend

  • BlueStateLibel

    You have to wonder at the sheer stupidity here – you would think one of his advisors would have advised him, "Look, if you're going to run for POTUS, you can't be stashing money in the Cayman Islands. Or bragging about how you tortured your dog." What gives? (Rhetorical question that has no answer.)

    • Probably the same guy who told him to hire a lawn contractor that uses undocumented workers.

    • DahBoner

      You have to wonder at the sheer stupidity here…

      All rich people think that rules don't apply to them….

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, he is running against a guy that says we should fire janitors and put poor, blah, children to work cleaning toilets.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I still can't get over the fact that in a race with two Mormons, Newt ends up being the polygamist, while in a race featuring Newt Gingrich, the unscrupulous tax-evading sleaze turns out to be Mitt Romney. Fuck it, I'm gonna go outside and open my mouth, 'cause it's bound to start raining cotton candy at this point.

    • Dudleydidwrong


  • SorosBot
  • Guppy

    "even if he kept all his money in a Serta mattress"

    Unless they bring back the $10,000 bill, there's no mattress big enough.

  • I wonder how much of those ill-gotten gains have wandered back onshore and have found a new home in a PAC?

    Mitt the Magic Morman,

    Lived on TV

    And frolicked in the financial mist –

    with his P-A-C.'s.

  • thefrontpage

    My name is Al Gotti-Lansky, and I run Shadyside Investments in the Cayman Islands, and I'm proud to report that I have an account here at Shadyside Investments for $6.9 million in the name of Mitt Romney. My buddy Corleone Clemenza, who runs Hidden Assets, Inc., here in the Caymans, says he also has an account for $6.9 million with the name of Mitt Romney. And our pal Vincenzo "Big Tony" Dillinger, who runs Money Stash, Inc., here in the Caymans, reports that he also has an account of $6.9 million in the name of Mitt Romney.

  • ttommyunger

    Mitt is so fucked; and I am so glad. I can't wait for the Schmanitty Spin on this one.

  • Eve8Apples

    Mitt Romney/Leona Helmsley 2012

    "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes."

  • James Michael Curley

    You wonder why Chris Christie enthusiasticly supports the Mitbot?
    "2006:Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. is purchased by Bain Capital LLC, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners, L.P."

    • Generation[redacted]

      He was promised infinite pie.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        that's just irrational.

      • Biff

        ∞ π

    • DahBoner

      Bain Capital Owns Clear Channel (Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Michael Savage…

      Boss Man says lots of idiots LOVE Mitt Romney!

  • paris biltong

    "When billed for $134,909 in property taxes on their beachside home in San Diego in 2009, the Romneys appealed the assessment, according to an official at the city property assessor’s office.

    Mr. and Mrs. Romney won the appeal. The bill was reduced by $9,617, for a total of $125,292. "


    • Steverino247

      Hmm. That must be the reason why I can't get a pay increase despite having "exceeds expectations" reviews for the past five years.

  • owhatever

    Why do the Republicans hate rich people?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I guess if he and the rest Romney clan move to the Caymans, someone could do an update of that old family favorite, Swiss Bank Account Family Romneyson.

    • jus_wonderin

      That premise/pitch could work. It would have to be a comedy though.

  • Biff

    There's just not enough room for so many zeros on a regular working stiff's W-2.

  • real_dc_native

    Let's just cut out the middle-man. Goldman Sachs/Morgan Stanley 2012!

  • The Caymans? Isn't that where fugitive arms merchants on "Burn Notice" are always keeping all their money? I don't think this will end well for Mittens.

  • points to anyone who can get Mitt to release a tax return from any year not immediately preceding the last two presidential elections!

    Clearly this is a job for Tennessee Ron, no? I mean, the guy said he'd do practically "anything"..

  • Polythene_Pam

    So, if all of the current GOP candidates are exposed for who they really are and are, therefore, rendered unelectable even to their base…

    Who do you think they'll nominate? Or, can they just take a pass in November, let Obama run unopposed?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Remember, Herman Cain just suspended his campaign.

    • There's the Nuclear Option – a brokered convention with Jeb Bush emerging ascendant. Slogan ideas being spitballed:

      Bush 2012 – I'm The Smart One

      Bush 2012 – Wait, Hear Me Out!

      Bush 2012 – It Should Have Been Me First!

  • spends2much

    So. Not smart enough to move his money before the Colonoscopy that is the US Presidential Campaign. Or does he have a bit of the Johnny Reed Edwards about him, and feel like he's bulletproof?

    Moral: You can't trust politicians with overly coiffed hair.

  • MissTaken

    You all don't get it. Just think of how much he'll have to pay in US taxes when he repatriates that money back stateside. We'll get him eventually!

    HAHA! Glad you all didn't see me trying (and failing) to keep a straight face with that line of bullshit!

  • Wonderthing

    "It's legal!" Of course it's legal, you numbnuts, you wrote the effing laws.

    ("It's a little joke. They give me the bill. I tear up the bill." –The prefect of police, Casablanca)

  • Steverino247

    "Obama Invades Caymans, Erases Deficit"

    Clearly, Reagan invaded the wrong island…

  • johnadamsxii

    A couple of things to note:
    * Romney is worth about 250 million dollars
    * It's perfectly legal to have money in off-shore accounts
    * He pays full capital gains tax on that money the same as if it were in the US
    This is really a non-story.

  • Steverino247

    I'd be willing to bet (just not $10,000) that Mitt Romulan got his experience firing people as a Mormon Bishop long before he went "Full Bain."

    True story: I was once present for lunch with two LSD officials (one Bishop and one psychologist) and after a while they forgot I wasn't one of them. They started talking about the personal problems of their members. After that little update was over, I listened to them discuss who the Bishop was going to get rid of at the plant because someone was coming in from Salt Lake City and needed a good job for his large family and so they could collect the tithes. Needless to say, I had to really restrain myself from, well, I'll let you guess.

    You know what else I wanted to do to these assholes?

    • That's LDS. Or maybe you were right, Who am I to say?

      • real_dc_native

        I prefer LSD to LDS, thank you.

        • Steverino247

          Being aware of their view of the afterlife and other requirements, I'd say LSD was taken somewhere along the way to the printers.

  • LennyCardboard

    Mitt Romney: Believe In America, Invest In The Caymans

  • BZ1

    Mittens, just a beach bum in the Cayman Islands, a very rich beach bum …

  • HamsterSandwich

    Stop being jealous. You too can invest wisely with me and make a fortune. Cash-out you 401ks and IRAs and send your hard-earned cash to me at:

    Doubtful Investment Strategies, LLC.
    C/O HamsterSandwich
    1 Scenic Ocean-Front Boulevard
    Penthouse Suite
    Ritz Carlton
    Grand Cayman, KY1-1102,
    Cayman Islands

    OR call: 1-888-Yea-Sure (1-888-932-7873)

    Leave a message if I'm not in or try me at the pool bar cabana.

  • Weasel Willard, the Cayman Mormon.

  • johnadamsxii

    There is nothing illegal about American companies having off-shore accounts. They are used to attract foreign investors. Mitt Romney pays the same capital gains taxes on those accounts as if they were in the U.S. Plus Mitt Romney's effective tax rate, like that of most rich people, is greater than that of the average American.

    Not to mention that the vast majority of income tax collected by the IRS comes from the wealthiest Americans, with the wealthiest 1% accounting for one-third of all income tax collected.

    BTW, Romney is worth about 250 million dollars, Ted Turner about two billion, George Soros about eight billion, and Warren Buffett about 50 billion.

  • fitley

    Willard if you win the primary will you bring your money home to the United States?

  • sati_demise

    And these are the accounts we KNOW ABOUT.

    just sayin'

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