leona helmsley would be so proud

Up To $33 Million Of Romney’s Zillions May Be Hidden In Offshore Tax Havens

I vill ask ze qvestions.Insipid rich dweeb Mitt Romney is facing even more impertinent questioning about his infinite investments, and the answers may surprise you — if you just landed on Earth and then decided to jump off a stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Seems ol’ Mitt is allegedly using every rich dude trick in the book (written by rich dudes) to pay as little in taxes as possible. Not really a problem, if you’re gainfully employed at the Arby’s in Duluth and just click on whatever TurboTax tells you to. Gainfully employed? Manual clicking? That doesn’t sound like our Mitt now, does it?

The poking about into Romney’s finances was as inevitable as his running for president for the next 200 years. So why could Mitt only speak in tongues when pressed by famed rhetorician Rick Perry at Monday’s debate to release his tax returns?

I think I’ve heard enough from folks saying, look, let’s see your tax records. I have nothing in them that suggests there’s any problem and I’m happy to do so. I sort of feel like we are showing a lot of exposure at this point. And if I become our nominee, and what’s happened in history is people have released them in about April of the coming year and that’s probably what I would do.

Friends, that is the jibber jabber of a man crossing his fingers behind his back. It is also the signal for news orgs to RELEASE THE ACCOUNTANTS!

As one of the wealthiest candidates to run for president in recent times, Romney has used a variety of techniques to help minimize the taxes on his estimated $250 million fortune. In addition to paying the lower tax rate on his investment income, Romney has as much as $8 million invested in at least 12 funds listed on a Cayman Islands registry. Another investment, which Romney reports as being worth between $5 million and $25 million, shows up on securities records as having been domiciled in the Caymans.

His campaign insists Romney’s tax bill would be the same even if he kept all his money in a Serta mattress somewhere on US soil. So the point of flying sacks of cash first-class to the Cayman Islands would be….?

[Tax experts] say the offshore accounts have provided him — and Bain — with other potential financial benefits, such as higher management fees and greater foreign interest, all at the expense of the U.S. Treasury.


[Jack Blum, a Washington lawyer who is an authority on tax enforcement and offshore banking] said working through an offshore investment vehicle allows the investor to “avoid a whole series of small traps in the tax code that ordinary people would face if they paid tax on an onshore basis.”

Trillions of points to anyone who can get Mitt to release a tax return from any year not immediately preceding the last two presidential elections! [ABC News via WaPo]

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    1. widestanceshakedown

      Well, why not? Lots of money has been put in his ass over the years by lots of people. I'm just surprised there's still room enough for even one coin.

  1. nounverb911

    The Swiss Bankers Association is disappointed Rmoney didn't trust them. After all they kept the Nazi gold safe for years.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      They also kept the gold of their Jewist depositors so safe they wouldn't turn it over to their heirs. Remember that? "Well, the paperwork isn't in order." Or "You need the deposit book [burned in a death camp oven, of course]."

      1. finallyhappy

        I knew a woman who spent 4 years in a "labor camp" during the Holocaust. She told me she hated the Swiss more than the Germans because of what the Swiss had done before, during and long after WWII

        1. Tundra Grifter


          "In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.

          "In Switerzland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."

          – Orson Welles & Graham Greene, "The Third Man"

          And, of course, secret banking.

  2. Barb

    Mitt wants me to send my money to DC while he sends his to the Cayman Islands?
    I think he's stalling so that those five toothy sons of his have more time to dive into restaurant dumpsters to look for receipts.

  3. widestanceshakedown

    Exposing this is an attack on our free market values!

    Somewhere, someone will say this and mean it.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Wouldn't it be nice if Mittens stopped talking about himself as a "capitalist" (which is someone who amasses capital to build productive stuff like factories) and started using the correct term for his line of work, which is "corporate arbitrageur." Viz:

      An investor who attempts to profit from price inefficiencies in the market by making simultaneous trades that offset each other and capturing risk-free profits.

      Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't create value for society as a whole, any more than a crow feasting on road-kill opossum is managing wildlife.

    1. Chillwillard

      The average American thinks that Al Capone is just some character Bobby DeNiro played in that one movie. They also think -according to the polls – that Willard is a "Capitalist" who can get the economy going.

    1. Biff

      That's what I've been asking since this whole tempest started. When SLC discovers he's been stiffing them, he'll have hell to pay.

    2. poorgradstudent

      I got this lovely image of Uncle Sam and Joseph Smith kicking the crap out of a sobbing Mittens.

    3. teebob2000

      Oh, no, he probably tithed like a muthafucker. Also helped the LDS with LOTS of lucrative investment opportunities through Bain. He didn't leave them behind, don't worry.

    1. DahBoner

      "obommitt romney the mormon jew will win, because he has already been anointed by the cfr."

      What's the difference between a regular joo and a mexi-mormon joo???

    1. chicken_thief

      "…that ordinary people would face…"

      But, but… I'm not ordinary. I'm unique, like a beautiful falling snowflake on a sunny, pristine mountain top.

      Can I have a loophole now?!

    2. Midway117

      More importantly, what about the scene where Leia screams "It's a trap!" to Luke in Empire Strikes Back? As a young girl, that particular rendering of the trap warning made a big impression on me.

  4. Joshua Norton

    “avoid a whole series of small traps in the tax code that ordinary people would face if they paid tax on an onshore basis.”

    Or, as Mittens refers to them, The Help.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Willard wants all the benefits of living in this country without paying for it. Freeloader. Get a job.

    Jeez, I sound like a Republican.

    1. JustPixelz

      Let's check:
      – condescending attitude
      – class warfare
      – accusation of anti-Americanism
      – racist undertones

      Sorry Monsieur. You forgot the racism. You don't sound like a Republican.

  6. LesBontemps

    What's the big deal? 33 million is not very much money. It's not even 100 times as much as that pittance he makes on speaking fees.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    The Romney campaign is telling us the taxes are the same. That means, the tax paid by Mittens on the income he receives isn't altered by the fact that a Cayman Islands corporation is paying him.

    What is being left out of the conversation is the obvious fact that the profits made by those corporations, sheltered by being domiciled in a tax haven, are greatly increased at the expense of the US taxpayers.

    Somehow, I don't think that is going to be brought up by these flaks.

  8. Schmannnity

    Where I come from, Cayman Islands usually means drug money laundering. Of course, he may have some money with Allen Stanford.

    1. DahBoner

      Where I come from, Cayman Islands usually means drug money laundering ,,,

      Or maybe he's started a dive shop, with special extra-large wet suits, to cover the magic underwear…

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      It's been rumored Mittens has been trafficking caffeine to the Salt Lake City area. There's no known paper trail, but if they ever find one, you can bet it ends in the Caymans.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Engnhng, when you actually are going to have to pay some taxes, which you do if all your income is from dividends and interest (because The Riches got furious when the IRS tried to add withholding to the payments like they do for W2 income) you're not in any hurry to file.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Don't worry, Republicans — when the last stupid, corrupt, horrible wife-swapping know-nothing quits the race, and Mitt's the last one standing there, you'll reluctantly accept his hand in unholy matrimony just like you did with McCain. And while it's tough being the twelve-year-old girl in this little arranged marriage, you'll begin to appreciate him when you're — um — forty or something, okay? We'll be waiting outside for the display of the bloody sheet.

  10. paris biltong

    "Greater foreign interest" is a meaningless phrase in this context. What they're probably trying to refer to is "carried interest" and their failure to explain the facts reflects the failure of the press – and people in general – to appreciate the unbridgeable gap that exists between the rich and everyone else. They're different and should be eaten. Period.

      1. paris biltong

        Eat the Rich: there's only one thing they're good for
        Eat the Rich: take one bite now – come back for more
        Eat the Rich: I gotta get this off my chest
        Eat the Rich: take one bite now, spit out the rest

    1. chicken_thief

      I'm thinking that no matter what you marinade Mittens in or for how long, he'll still taste like some piece of plastic shit.

    2. Sparky Mc███

      Eaten? I'm not eating one bite of those bastards, because I'm certain they taste as putrid as their souls.

  11. Hera Sent Me

    A dog-abusing, flip-flopping, business-destroying, magic underpants-wearing, job-eliminating, money-laundering, born-rich guy with hair from Big Boy's and a smile like a botox patient.

    Obama must have been a very, very good boy to get such a fabulous Christmas present this early.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And yet, even with all those qualifiers you've so diligently listed, he's the most "electable" of all the Republicans in the race.

      Hopey, do not screw this up.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Muppets libel!! Tex Richman at least could be fixed through severe head trauma – nothing's getting through Mittens' hair armor.

      1. fuflans

        i do not know why, but if reports of cpt jack's split from his french sprite are true i will be sad.

  12. freakishlywrong

    Wow, Mormons are weird. They can't smoke, drink or cuss but apparently lying, stealing and cheating are all a-ok.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I have a distrust of Mormons which comes from actual experience. Let’s just say some Mormons have no problem breaking contracts when it’s justified by God.

      1. DahBoner

        I have a distrust of Mormons People Who Have To Tell You That They Are Christians which comes from actual experience…


  13. fartknocker

    Offshore banks are corporations and my friend, people.

    If had one percent of his wealth I would do stupid shit like pay off mortgages for poor people, give money to the local food bank and animal shelter, and other liberal, progressive things. I would help some homeless folks. Yeah, I'm just another money grabing fucking liberal giving handouts.

    1. imissopus

      See, that's why libtards are so stupid with all their humanitarian philanthropy and whatnot. If you were a smart businessman like Mittens you would tithe your church so you can have your own planet after you die.

  14. finallyhappy

    I have money offshore as well- I lost $1 that I had in a pocket when I stupidly went wading in Florida in a pair of shorts.

  15. IRLTroll

    Romney owes us a sound bite commensurate with his capitalist idols: JG Wentworth and Wesley Snipes. "That’s probably what I would do" isn't going to cut it.

  16. Pragmatist2

    "Uninevitable, that's what you are.
    Uninevitable, you came so far
    Like a childish crush that used to be
    Mitt, my friend, you're now history.
    Rarely before has someone been more
    Uninevitable on Saturday
    Then forever more, you'll go away
    Because, Romney, c'est inevitable
    The GOP found you inedible
    And now will love Newton Leroy more than you."

  17. Goonemeritus

    Lets not jump to conclusions here Mitt may have a reasonable explanation, those accounts could be for another wife and family that live off shore.

    1. DahBoner

      those accounts could be for another wife and family that live off shore.

      A very, very tiny family that could fit in a post office box!

  18. Callyson

    "I think I’ve heard enough from folks saying, look, let’s see your tax records."
    Mittens wants us all to pipe down–if we have to bring up such delicate issues, we should do so in a quiet room somewhere…

  19. DahBoner

    My accountant tells me I can save a lot of money on taxes, if I move my business to a post office box in the Bahamas….

    1. Polythene_Pam

      My accountant tells me that I can save a lot of money on taxes if I move my family to a storage unit right here in the Chicago suburbs.

  20. BlueStateLibel

    You have to wonder at the sheer stupidity here – you would think one of his advisors would have advised him, "Look, if you're going to run for POTUS, you can't be stashing money in the Cayman Islands. Or bragging about how you tortured your dog." What gives? (Rhetorical question that has no answer.)

    1. DahBoner

      You have to wonder at the sheer stupidity here…

      All rich people think that rules don't apply to them….

    2. GOPCrusher

      Well, he is running against a guy that says we should fire janitors and put poor, blah, children to work cleaning toilets.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    I still can't get over the fact that in a race with two Mormons, Newt ends up being the polygamist, while in a race featuring Newt Gingrich, the unscrupulous tax-evading sleaze turns out to be Mitt Romney. Fuck it, I'm gonna go outside and open my mouth, 'cause it's bound to start raining cotton candy at this point.

  22. Guppy

    "even if he kept all his money in a Serta mattress"

    Unless they bring back the $10,000 bill, there's no mattress big enough.

  23. cheaphits

    I wonder how much of those ill-gotten gains have wandered back onshore and have found a new home in a PAC?

    Mitt the Magic Morman,

    Lived on TV

    And frolicked in the financial mist –

    with his P-A-C.'s.

  24. thefrontpage

    My name is Al Gotti-Lansky, and I run Shadyside Investments in the Cayman Islands, and I'm proud to report that I have an account here at Shadyside Investments for $6.9 million in the name of Mitt Romney. My buddy Corleone Clemenza, who runs Hidden Assets, Inc., here in the Caymans, says he also has an account for $6.9 million with the name of Mitt Romney. And our pal Vincenzo "Big Tony" Dillinger, who runs Money Stash, Inc., here in the Caymans, reports that he also has an account of $6.9 million in the name of Mitt Romney.

  25. James Michael Curley

    You wonder why Chris Christie enthusiasticly supports the Mitbot?
    "2006:Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. is purchased by Bain Capital LLC, The Carlyle Group, and Thomas H. Lee Partners, L.P."

  26. paris biltong

    "When billed for $134,909 in property taxes on their beachside home in San Diego in 2009, the Romneys appealed the assessment, according to an official at the city property assessor’s office.

    Mr. and Mrs. Romney won the appeal. The bill was reduced by $9,617, for a total of $125,292. "


    1. Steverino247

      Hmm. That must be the reason why I can't get a pay increase despite having "exceeds expectations" reviews for the past five years.

  27. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess if he and the rest Romney clan move to the Caymans, someone could do an update of that old family favorite, Swiss Bank Account Family Romneyson.

  28. imissopus

    The Caymans? Isn't that where fugitive arms merchants on "Burn Notice" are always keeping all their money? I don't think this will end well for Mittens.

  29. Mumbletypeg

    points to anyone who can get Mitt to release a tax return from any year not immediately preceding the last two presidential elections!

    Clearly this is a job for Tennessee Ron, no? I mean, the guy said he'd do practically "anything"..

  30. Polythene_Pam

    So, if all of the current GOP candidates are exposed for who they really are and are, therefore, rendered unelectable even to their base…

    Who do you think they'll nominate? Or, can they just take a pass in November, let Obama run unopposed?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      There's the Nuclear Option – a brokered convention with Jeb Bush emerging ascendant. Slogan ideas being spitballed:

      Bush 2012 – I'm The Smart One

      Bush 2012 – Wait, Hear Me Out!

      Bush 2012 – It Should Have Been Me First!

  31. spends2much

    So. Not smart enough to move his money before the Colonoscopy that is the US Presidential Campaign. Or does he have a bit of the Johnny Reed Edwards about him, and feel like he's bulletproof?

    Moral: You can't trust politicians with overly coiffed hair.

  32. MissTaken

    You all don't get it. Just think of how much he'll have to pay in US taxes when he repatriates that money back stateside. We'll get him eventually!

    HAHA! Glad you all didn't see me trying (and failing) to keep a straight face with that line of bullshit!

  33. Wonderthing

    "It's legal!" Of course it's legal, you numbnuts, you wrote the effing laws.

    ("It's a little joke. They give me the bill. I tear up the bill." –The prefect of police, Casablanca)

  34. johnadamsxii

    A couple of things to note:
    * Romney is worth about 250 million dollars
    * It's perfectly legal to have money in off-shore accounts
    * He pays full capital gains tax on that money the same as if it were in the US
    This is really a non-story.

  35. Steverino247

    I'd be willing to bet (just not $10,000) that Mitt Romulan got his experience firing people as a Mormon Bishop long before he went "Full Bain."

    True story: I was once present for lunch with two LSD officials (one Bishop and one psychologist) and after a while they forgot I wasn't one of them. They started talking about the personal problems of their members. After that little update was over, I listened to them discuss who the Bishop was going to get rid of at the plant because someone was coming in from Salt Lake City and needed a good job for his large family and so they could collect the tithes. Needless to say, I had to really restrain myself from, well, I'll let you guess.

    You know what else I wanted to do to these assholes?

        1. Steverino247

          Being aware of their view of the afterlife and other requirements, I'd say LSD was taken somewhere along the way to the printers.

  36. HamsterSandwich

    Stop being jealous. You too can invest wisely with me and make a fortune. Cash-out you 401ks and IRAs and send your hard-earned cash to me at:

    Doubtful Investment Strategies, LLC.
    C/O HamsterSandwich
    1 Scenic Ocean-Front Boulevard
    Penthouse Suite
    Ritz Carlton
    Grand Cayman, KY1-1102,
    Cayman Islands

    OR call: 1-888-Yea-Sure (1-888-932-7873)

    Leave a message if I'm not in or try me at the pool bar cabana.

  37. johnadamsxii

    There is nothing illegal about American companies having off-shore accounts. They are used to attract foreign investors. Mitt Romney pays the same capital gains taxes on those accounts as if they were in the U.S. Plus Mitt Romney's effective tax rate, like that of most rich people, is greater than that of the average American. http://money.cnn.com/2012/01/18/news/economy/Romnhttp://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2834976/

    Not to mention that the vast majority of income tax collected by the IRS comes from the wealthiest Americans, with the wealthiest 1% accounting for one-third of all income tax collected.

    BTW, Romney is worth about 250 million dollars, Ted Turner about two billion, George Soros about eight billion, and Warren Buffett about 50 billion.

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