A man named Ron D. of Loudon, Tennessee recently put up an auction on eBay that offered his services to anyone looking to embarrass Mitt Romney (FREE SHIPPING). The blonde-dreadlocked man is currently underemployed, delivering pizzas, so he could use some money. He doesn’t really have any past dealings with Romney; he just isn’t a fan (“I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running for whorehouse pooper mopper”). He’s making himself available to any campaign or super PAC or other entity that needs him (though, why buy Ron when you can embarrass Romney for free?), and says the exact terms of the agreement aren’t fixed. “The possibilities are endless,” he says. “As long as it isn’t against the law, I’ll do or say whatever you want until someone comes and drags me away. And it will take a few of them. I’m a biggun.”
The Awl’s Abe Sauer spoke to Mr. D. further, to find out why his auction is specifically targeted at Romney, not to mention how he got to a point in his life where he is now auctioning himself off on eBay. Ron said that before he lost his job, he maintained golf courses. “I’m Joe The Plumber’s cousin, Joe The Greenskeeper,” he says. “I guess when people had to choose between golfing and surviving, they sold their clubs.”
As for his beef with Romney:
I chose Romney because he’s made millions at the expense of others. The way Bain operated was to take over a company already struggling, pay each other HUGE management fees, consulting fees, and bonuses, knowing all along the plan was to run up the bills, bankrupt it all, and move on. Not only was he costing people their jobs, he was screwing the government on the bankruptcy deal.
The man has a point. That isn’t to say he likes any of the other politicians currently on offer. “I did not vote for The ObamaLamaDing-Dong,” he explains. “He’s a nice guy, and I find him sincere, but not right for America at the time, nor is he now. I’m tired of voting AGAINST someone. I want a candidate that I can vote FOR.”
Sing it. Unfortunately, eBay disagreed with the nature of the auction and pulled the listing after a day. But Ron’s offer still stands. His e-mail address is, perhaps not surprisingly, rollingstoned (at) bellsouth (dot) net, if you should need him. [The Awl]
{ 186 comments }
I'll bet $10,000 that he does it.
I'll bet that Mitt can embarrass himself much more easily than this cat can. I mean the dog on the roof story, the 15% tax story….next thing you know Mittens will talk about the day he pissed himself or something.
Mitt's a vulture. Vultures routinely piss themselves to rinse off any scraps of carrion.
Also, for the cooling effect, at least here in the southwest, too.
How warm is it in SC, right now? Maybe Mitt will surprise us all this weekend.
Damn, you beat me to it …what next, I wonder? I read "somewhere" that part of the reason he doesn't want to release his tax return is that he lists his primary residence as the semi-finished basement in one of his sons' houses, hmmm….
It was actually that he listed his son's unfinished basement as his residence so that he could "reside" in Massachusetts for the purpose of voting, but did remarkably actual residing there versus his California and New Hampshire mansions. And this in direct controvertion of MA voter law, which requires a residence to be one's actual primary residence and, y'know, where you live.
The tax return stuff is almost definitely because of Cayman Islands bank accounts. The Romney campaign denies that they're tax shelter accounts, but this is coming from a guy who also fraudulantly claimed he was living in his son's basement.
Wow, Bocephus seems to be making a comeback, eh?
Aint that Hank IV?
Oooooooooohhhhhhhh, yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Not as cool as Hank III, though.
Ask not who your country embarrasses for you, ask who you can embarrass for your country.
There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be fixed by what is embarassing about America.
Give me liberty, or give me an embarrassing death! Live free or die of embarrassment!
This is the son Mitt won't talk about.
I think he goes by Squab
Squabney?
Spicoli.
You wouldn't either, if he was your'n.
“I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running for whorehouse pooper mopper”
So I guess Santorum's also on this guy's no-vote list?
Damn you, SOPA!
This user has been deleted by the comment.
This ββββββββhas βββββer
What the? What's βββ on with βββ βββ Reply buβββn?
βββit! SOPA's broken my βββ βββ Reply βββ! Shβββ βββt! SHIβββ
βββ βββ βββ 1!11!! βββ ββββββββββββers!1!1!!βββββββββ
Best thread ever.
βββββββββ
This deleted has been usered by the commented. Also.
NO! Not Negropolis! Take anyone but Negropolis!
This is not a comment.
This entire comment has been shipped to Afghanistan, nobody has lost any
Just watching this guy try and blend in at a republican Romney rally will be comedy gold.
All he needs is an electric scooter.
Yeah, he looks more like a Ron Paul supporter.
Well, he's White. Half the battle.
Yeah, there's always that, ain't there, C_R_Eature.
Shit, all this guy needs is a Romney T-shirt and a Stars-N-Bars bandana and he could get backstage in S.C. "FREEBIRD!"
I would pay good money.
My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.
What?
EDIT: Oh, never mind.
Au revoir, gopher…
Varmint Cong.
I always thought they just smelled on the outside.
Nope, he probably smells of patchouli from every side imaginable.
“I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running for whorehouse pooper mopper”
OK then–if I ever get a call from a pollster, I know just what to say…
Doesn't one of Newt's kids already have that job?
Scott Walker, your next career step awaits you. And Ron D. can offer you grooming and style tips to ensure you success when you launch.
Also, you can tell them you voted for The ObamaLamaDing-Dong.
Phew, thank goodness for the Free Shipping
This guy could market himself as a "before" for lots of different products and processes.
How's a guy supposed to enlarge his p-ness if there's a new post at Wonkette every 20 minutes? Did Wonk Inc. get a major cash infusion here recently?
I fluffed you a point.
Thanks!
How do you DO that? Because I sure would love to know. Sometimes a single upfist just doesn't seem like enough.
My p-ness was enlarged to 114 today (thanks, Wanketteers!), though it'll probably be smaller tomorrow when I'm no longer βββββ.
My p-ness grew in leaps and bounds for months, but I think the bar gets raised once you hit the 125 mark; my frequency of posting hasn't declined that much but now it seems to take a month or so to add another p. Or maybe I'm losing my edge and my posts aren't as funny as they once were. Or maybe they are, but you guys have become jaded with me. You fuckers.
It's like Skyrim – they deliberately make everything harder when you level-up.
It's okay, I'll give you a pity-p, so that's something.
Thanks amigo. I think I'm due for a slowdown anyway, since Wonkette appears to be turning into an afternoon/evening thing rather than a morning/afternoon thing, and I sure as hell ain't gonna spend a lot of time here if I am not getting paid for it.
Wait, no, wut? So, like, if I get bored wiv you and stop upfisting you, your p-ness shrinks? Wow.
Baldar, I upfist you with the frequency of a cheap ham radio. *sniff* they grow so quickly.
Congrats on the 114 p-ness!
Thanks, Barβ!Wanna see it?
What? Have you not been feeling what I've been doing to you?
No shit, I had quit my job to keep up, and as you note, my damn p score is on hold. What a looooooooooser.
Let's put him in a crate on top of Mitt's limo!
until he shits down the back window!
No probs, we can hose him off.
He looks like he could use a good hosing off right now.
Now, now. No hippie-punching.
The weekend birdcage-liner/fish-wrap featured the cutest guy ever in a floral print shirt. Gay as a lark and, unfortunately, married to his husband and living in San Francisco. Be still my beating heart! Why am I telling you this? I already told everybody else, might as well tell you. Babywale corduroy floral print western shirt. How cool is that.
Is that with or without a windscreen?
No, he'll talk about the day his gardener or housekeeper worked until he or she was physically ill and how concerned Mitt was, once he was told.
He and Mittens can discuss the finer points of fudge packing while Santorum
leaksweeps.OT, but scary –
The linked americancensorship page won't load.
[Insert Twilight Zone sound effect here]
It loaded for me just now. But yeah, I had been trying for hours before it did so.
Don't know if anyone else posted this but there's also: http://voteforthenet.com/
and here we thought mitt romney only destroyed jobs.
Romney: "I'm a job creator because I have people lining up to embarrass me in public!"
Jon Stewart….what a little Super PAC not working with Colbert could do for this guy???
Donald Segretti hasn't aged a day in 40 years!
He will fart in Romney's face.
Wait…they have golf courses in TN?
New subdivisions in "Real America" are always built around golf courses.
Sure they do. But they call golf clubs "knockin' sticks".
and the game itself 'Tin Cup'.
You've never been to suburban and exurban Nashville, have you? The most quintessential, New Money American sprawl you'll find, tacky as the city itself. It's like Dallas used to be, but with more skinny jeans, more blonde, and smaller boobs.
No, just a Gaylord Hotel (in Nashville) and a Cracker Barrel…swear to Jeebus! Couldn't have done more to solidify my opinion of Tennesseans.
Why doesn't he just support Ron Paul?
He may be an idiot, but he ain't stupid!
No face tattoos so I guess he checks out.
He'd be pretty easily detectable at any public event. Was he going to wear a potted plant disguise?
Don't those sunglasses hide his identity?
Ahhh, but maybe THIS is the disguise! He certainly doesn't look like anybody *I* know!
I have a soft spot for redneck hippies.
Unfortunately, your hero's soft spot appears to be in the cranial area.
Yeah, they have excellent connections. They know how to get the best weed & moonshine.
And they know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy whose cousin can get you some cheap meth and Nyquil.
"And they know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy whose cousin can get you some cheap meth and Nyquil."
Really? Hell, if they have a sister who lives in a trailer park & works at a pharmacy, you don't have to deal with all those middle men. She could probably throw in some Oxycontin as a freebie.
So do I, littlebigdaddy. They's good people.
And I can testify that no one can embarrass quite like a Tennessean.
Same here, particularly of the Appalachian persuasion.
And sometimes their female relatives, although certainly obese, are not bad. Plus the accent is kinda sexy.
I'll embarrass Romney for free. Here goes: Mitt Romney is a Mormon!
Just say: Mitt. That'll do.
Or call him Willard to his face.
Hahaha
And when the wind hits his hair, not one strand stirs! Say "nine!" to elitist users of hair products!
He’s a nice guy, and I find him sincere,
Kinda like Miss Teen USA with a penis.
He got us out of the Iraq such as!
You know who else is a Biggun?
Howitzer?
Paul Bunyan?
Chris Christie?
Rush Limbaugh….'s barrel of oxycontin?
Are we talking vertical or horizontal?
Hugh Jorgen?
His brother Lar?
Al Bundy's ummm, "magazine"?
Campbell's Chunky Soup?
The Brawny guy?
Biggus Dickus?
Katy Perry? Lindsay Lohan before she got anorexic?
The Jolly Green Giant and his Ho, Ho, Hoes
While it would be difficult to embarrass Mitt more than he's already done to himself, I'd love to see this guy at Romney's GOP coronation. I imagine him in a dress, carrying a lifelike doll in swaddling clothing, bursting through the door and running up the aisle screaming "Willard! Did you think you could just run away from our relationship and our baby?!"
That is all kinds of awesome.
Oh, and please make sure the lifelike doll is blah for added comedic effect.
Oh, and please make sure the life-like doll is that ugly plaid-clad actual daughter of Santorum's. Please.
Wow, Sammy Hagar has really let himself go….more.
That was my first thought too.
Is he the new Wonkette, Jr?
he's Wonkette Jr. Sr. I didn't want you to find out like this…
Well, at the very least, he's a respite from the constant stream of bigotry, homophobia, and stupidity that usually earns my state a mention on Wonkette.
A fellow resident of the glorious border state of Tennessee, are you?
Alright, which one of you fuckers is Ron D. of Loudon?
So that's what the kids are calling it these days.
No, he's really Cousin It's cousin.
"Take off those stupid shades and put out that smelly cigarette son! Get a shave and a haircut, put on some respectable clothes and then maybe we can have a talk about income! In a quiet room… By the way, I could use a delivery of something better than pizza, if you get my drift."
this is a business model for our times.
Ron D, or the D.N.C.?
Who is the more shameless whore. I say Ron D. can hold his ginormous head high in this contest.
~
..that's like "Kangol from U.T.F.O"
RON DNC is incidentally the name of his ol' school rap cover band.
It's safe………..from NPR.
LIVE: Jewel May Soon Give Birth; A Webcam Lets Us Watch.
Not sure about the rest of the page though………
Search The Two-Way ?????
First she can't shut up about living in a van and now this. But I'd hit it.
sEnD 20 dOlLaRs in UnMaRkEd nOnSeQuEnTiAl tWeNtIes oR TeH pIzZa GeTs It
"I’m a biggun.”
Braggart.
I CANT DRIVE 55 !!!!!!! OH YEAAH!!
The only thing remotely good that ever came out of Sammy Hagar was Cabo Wabo. (key word: remotely)
Exactly. I'm glad the rock n roll authorities exiled him to his tequila labor camp in Cabo .
He can't drive 55, but he sure can produce high-priced mediocre tequila!
Diamond Dave 4 life! No Van Hagar!
Diamond Dave + any good guitarist = Van Halen
You can replace any shitty singer in "Van Halen" , and its still shit without Dave.
As a fellow white guy, he is embarrassing me for free.
As a fellow
white guyHominid, he is embarrassing me for free.So The Dude is, in fact Abiding.
Loudon Tennessee? Is Loudon Wainwright III named after that town? Pow!
"Drinks before Dinner and Wine with Dinner and After Dinner Drinks."
My kinda town!
Also, it smells like a dead skunk.
I hear his gf smells like a dead skunk and is a Loud'un.
His girlfriend is a dead skunk. The screams of pleasure are just auditory hallucinations.
Meth is a helluva drug!Sent from my iPhone
Aha- I've got it!
*Runs up onstage during debate Thursday night*
(Yelling)** "Dad! Where have you been? All the Mommys miss you!!"
**In Jose' Jiminez -esque fake accent -ED
Rick Perry, is that you?
Morman Mexican Belgian??? How much worse can it get?
Assholes, but they brew a helluva beer.
Belgium is like The South of the Greater Netherlands.
I know, I know. I'll do it, myself: Flemish libel!
It's a shame Ken Russell isn't alive to direct the sequel Devils of Loudon II: Ron D. and his Kin Done Got Demon-Possessed
Maybe Rob Zombie is available.
I embarrass myself, free of charge.
"I’m a biggun. "
Do pornstars have to wear condoms in Texas?
Or maybe it was in Tennessee….
I wouldn't vote for him for automobile rooftop dog-crate pooper sprayer.
This is an elected office in South Carolina.
This entire thread has now been assassinated by metamarcisf in honour of Barb…
{WTF?}
No one has lost any
Surely if the Wonketteers pooled their funds and brainpower, we could come up with something spectacular.
A Penis-shaped Blimp with Young Republicans for Buttsechs in big block letters on the side?
You know, call me crazy, but I think he probably embarrasses himself on a regular basis without the benefit of being paid, so just imagine the crazy shit he'll do when compensated. Perhaps, he could reveal Mitt's Mormon pjs?
Stephen Colbert? Yeah, meet Don…
Lemme guess…a Paultard, right? Why are the good ones always taken? Well, what can you do? Any stick to beat a Romeney as the say.
This guy is really Mitt's sixth, disowned son. The blah sheep of the family, as it were.
Hmmmm. Starting the bidding rather high, aren't we Ron?
“I’m Joe The Plumber’s cousin, Joe The Greenskeeper,”
Ah!! So a real grassroots movement going on.
No (Astro)Turf Wars here.
He's a white guy with dreadlocks, and he delivers pizza. Why do all the stoners have to keep being such utter stereotypes?
Is this my Wonkette, or a mirror?
I'd vote for Mittens if he were running for Whorehouse Pooper Mopper.
That's Tim Tebow during the off season when there aren't any cameras on him.
BREAKING NEWS!
From the Iowa Caucus…
Santorum surges into the lead, over Romney with an unexpected movement of 36 votes oozed out of the recount in the Election Orifice.
Ugh.
Now that's Santorumentum!!!
Huntsman may rejoin the race over this news!
But, since they allegedly can't certify 8 precincts or some shit, they are just going to call it a tie. *rolleyes* Go figure; how convenient. Santorum won Iowa, he won the fuck out of it, and they just don't want to be embarrassed any further than they already are.
BTW, in case you wondered what kind of idiots are in the audience during the debates, my (almost normal) sister who lives near Jacksonville tried to see if she could get tickets to the debate next week (out of curiosity, it might be fun, etc…) . Well – no go, unless you pledge to volunteer for the local Rethuglican county committee…
This South Carolina GOP primary is getting stale. Where are the blah baby smears that are such a fixture of the SC GOP primary? You can't have an SC GOP primary without a proper blah baby whisper campaign.
There's a whorehouse pooper mopper?
I wasn't hatin' on hippies. I think Ron D. probably smells worse than any hippy/neo-hippy you'd meet. Trust me, I've been to Loudon, TN.
Seriously though, that shirt probably was awesome.
Thanks a lot, BaltarTFlagass. Thanks a whole helluva fucking lot.
Oh, OK. Yah, he looks like he might spend a bit of time dusting Cheeto crumbs off his folds, fersure.
I thought you wuz *from* Loudon, TN.
It was. Totally fucking awesome. But so was the guy! Just wrote a book about the Zen of Teh Ghey, or something like that, but I was too busy falling in love with him to read the article.
Close enough. My dad's "people" were from just north of the Knoxville/Loudon area.
Mom's side came from eastern KY.
That's why I am fluent in English & Hillbilly.
This deletion has been used up by the commentator.
Finally.
Speaking of fluency, while I'm fluent in the Urban North dialect of Ebonics, I can't make heads or tails of that shit they speak down in The Delta regardless of their race. lol
Comments on this entry are closed.