THE NARRATIVE CANNOT HOLD  2:32 pm January 18, 2012

Oopsies, Mitt Romney Probably Did Not Win Iowa Primary

by Kaia Mursi

The team of artificial intelligence experts currently maintaining the Mitt Romney apparatus may soon need to inject their baby with a bit more inevitability fluid. You may recall the reports that Mitt’s 8-vote victory in the Iowa primary may have in fact been a 12-vote loss due to a reporting error. But, ugh, counting and stuff is so boring everyone pretty much ignored that story. Plus some slick GOP toadies rushed to assure everyone that Mitt was the true victor, not that smug weirdo Rick Santorum. Actual election officials, however, will begin the certification process tonight and most likely hand Santorum the win about two weeks too late for it to matter. What a frothy mess. [Daily Beast]

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nounverb911 January 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Math is hard.

JustPixelz January 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Yep. Just ask the people who wrote the 117 questions on "100 Questions for the Girl Scouts"

Dudleydidwrong January 18, 2012 at 3:48 pm

That's not even within the Standard Deviation, but since we're talking about Girl Scouts and some hanky-panky leadership, it may all involve some standard of deviancy.

Or else the fuckers just can't count…Is there a merit badge for counting?

Dashboard Buddha January 18, 2012 at 9:18 pm

That sounds like a handbook for pederasts.

Sue4466 January 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Malibu Stacy, is that you?

donner_froh January 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Well, at least we won't have to put up with that mouthy loser Mitt Romney any more.

nounverb911 January 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm

"about two weeks too late"
Little Ricky hears that a lot from Karen too.

Troubledog January 18, 2012 at 2:39 pm

This is the break Buddy Roemer has been waiting for #roementum

SorosBot January 18, 2012 at 2:40 pm

So Santorum really did shoot from the rear to come out on top in Iowa.

Barb January 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Jesus, tap dancing Christ! It's lunchtime on the west coast, ya know? LOL

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm

That's OK, I could stand to lose the poundage. (barfs)

MissTaken January 18, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It's okay, my elite SF salad didn't look that good anyway

littlebigdaddy January 18, 2012 at 9:29 pm

That arugula will give you teh ghey, or so I hear.

Barb January 18, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Santorum should celebrate with a pizza party, delivered by Herman Cain.

Dashboard Buddha January 18, 2012 at 9:20 pm

"Are you the dude that ordered the meat lovers supreme?"

Bow chicka bow bow

Barb January 18, 2012 at 10:29 pm

"oh look, two pizza delivery guys showed up!"

Bow chicka bow bow

OneYieldRegular January 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

"1, 2, uh…2…uh…sorry, I can't. Oops."

orygoon January 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

More than good enough for the Supreme Court, that sort of thing.

LetUsBray January 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Sure, but as Rethugs assured us after the 2000 election, true democracy doesn't require that the votes be counted thoroughly or accurately, or that the candidate who received the most be considered the winner. So it's only right that no one cares about this.

ttommyunger January 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You have to win with the votes you have, not the votes you'd like to have – Donald "Fuckface" Rumsfeld, or somebody like him, maybe Cheney.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Nah, you got it the first time. It was Fuckface.

widestanceshakedown January 18, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Where are those black-robed masters when you really need them?

Dudleydidwrong January 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Masturbating in Sylvia's House of Sado-Masochistic legal decisions

Mumblety██ January 18, 2012 at 2:53 pm

It's the most meh-worthy "close race" ever, weighing the merits of these cartoon characters pitted against eachother. I'd rather see the photo finish for which fear factor is closer in a cross-section of conservatard specimens: hardening of the – - a.) arteries when it comes to flow of reason; b.) cartilage around the logic lobe; c.) heart, period?
It's a tough call, and my mind would sooner mutter over these possible inputs to denial-bleating voter syndrome, than those debutwantes' outcomes and "surges" of sheeple-driven momentum.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm

How d'you pronounce "debutwantes"?

Mumblety██ January 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

It's a double-entendre, wrapped in a portmanteau, disguised poorly as a pun.
Now that you mention it, it's more fun saying "debu-twats" which I'll pretend was my original intent~

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Hey, no, actually, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

BaldarTFlagass January 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

They should put the Arthur Anderson accounting firm in charge of counting the votes, or some other trustworthy Wall Street actuarial firm or something.

proudgrampa January 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I see what you did there! Hah!

Texan_Bulldog January 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Diebold libel!!1!!

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Oh, this is WUNNERFUL! Cage fight? MMA? Santorum's bigger than he looks, and he's younger, too. OTOH, Mittens gets MAD real easy and loses it and turns into a spluttering killbot.


Pres.VerminSupreme January 18, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I knew Santorum would eventually slip out from behind.

actor212 January 18, 2012 at 3:04 pm

This is all just a smear on Santorum

Beowoof January 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Seems they use the same math for voting as they do for budgets and taxes.

ingloriousbytch January 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm

And yet these dicksmacks want to save the rest of us from "voter fraud."

GOPCrusher January 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I can just about guarantee you that no blahs voted in the Iowa Republiklan Caucuses.

JustPixelz January 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm

That just goes to show how a few votes either way can change the outcome … sometimes with tragic results. Like in 2000 when Bush won the Presidential election by just one vote!

elviouslyqueer January 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Hooray! Creamcups for everyone!

MiniMencken January 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I think we should just let Scalia and Thomas declare the winner to be whoever they like. That's the American Way, you know.

DahBoner January 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Will GOP Douchebags Scalia and Thomas step in to save America from this uncertainty?

Callyson January 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

When local television station KCCI inquired about True’s totals, an Iowa Republican spokeswoman was paraphrased on background saying, “True is not a precinct captain and he's not a county chairperson so he has no business talking about election results.”
Yeah–anything that is true has no business getting involved with the Republicans…

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 18, 2012 at 4:32 pm

But do we know how many illegal votes James O'Keefe casted?

Gl████Mc██████ January 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Romney can't stop the Santorum story from leaking!

denverite January 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Sarcasm aside, this is a significant issue -as Mittens was portrayed as the frontrunner after Iowa, which helped him in NH. And his campaign's pitch/media's coverage in NC is that he steamrolled the last 2 states…etc…therefore he's the slamdunk nominee.

Appearance is everything and I'm disappointed with the NYT/BBC for not bringing up the error in caucus results when it was raised 2 days after the election.

MinAgain January 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Better let that guy in Tennessee know that Iowa is already embarassing Romney.

Come here a minute January 18, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Oh sure, everyone is hating on froth, but they love it so much in their fancy coffee drinks.

littlebigdaddy January 18, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Needz moar frothy mixture!

BZ1 January 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Iowans can't count, who knew?

arcadesproject January 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm

the party pros want who the party pros want and they get what they want. can anbody spell O?

mavenmaven January 19, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Its the GOP, you get the vote count you pay for.

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