the eighties were so weird

Rick Santorum’s Wife Used To Dig The Pro-Choice Types, We Hear

Sinking political tabloid Newsweek has got a HOT SCOOP on a story that, as usual, broke several years ago, which in this case stars the twentysomething sexytimes of one Karen Santorum née Garver before she met hubby Rick Santorum, all the way back when she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over. See, droll soft core porno fantasies really do come true! Anyway, BORING, how about a more imaginative plot twist? Oh right, the doctor was an abortionist, and Karen Garver not only stayed the night but also the next six years with urbane liberal obstetrician Tom Allen before deciding she wanted to date rigid nut Rick Santorum instead. And still only THEN do we get to the really hilarious part: Garver explained to Allen after they broke up that he would probably even like her new boyfriend, because Santorum “was pro-choice and a humanist.” What?

Here’s the very weird detail from the 2005 Philadelphia City Paper story:

“When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen, an elderly but vibrant man, during a brief conversation on the porch of his Pittsburgh row home. “But I don’t think there’s a humanist bone in that man’s body.”

Look out, Rick Santorum! QUICK say something super off-the-reservation crazy in case the other wingnuts are planning to take away your nutjob credentials over the new-old revelation that you may have accidentally given someone the impression of being semi-normal at some point twenty years ago. (Give it thirty seconds, don’t worry.) [Newsweek/ Philadelphia City Paper]

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  • Beetagger

    Once you've had Santorum, you never go back.

    • SorosBot

      That sounds like having santorum as in having santorum for breakfast, so ew.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, you keep running forward till the wind blows every last dried trace of it off. (May take some years.)

    • Fare la Volpe

      It's a bitch to get out of sheets.

      • Loaded_Pants

        And off the wall.

        • Negropolis

          And off the soul.

    • Radiotherapy

      Or, once you go blah, you never go back.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Karen Garver was like a moth to the flame, where froth is concerned.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      I just threw up a nice steak dinner, so thanks.

    • bagofmice

      You go bare-back.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Great, now it turns out that Santorum is a secret Muslim Humanist. Is anyone in this country safe?

    • Crank_Tango

      Is a humanist like a racist, but against humans?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Judging from Santorum, yes.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Personal best!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, we now know why Karen Santorum had no problem carrying around a dead fetus.

  • Rotundo_

    And now he is a punchline. Words cannot adequately express my admiration for the truly good work Dan Savage has done to render this fellow politically inert. True genius and as sweet a poetic justice as has ever been unleashed.

    • James Michael Curley

      Your avatar reminds me of a fine, high quality piece of mocha chocolate in a crisp white fluted cup waiting to be …. does it sound like I'm on a diet?

      • Rotundo_

        The dome to the capital rotunda in Madison WI, where they had to inspect the floors of the state government accountability offices to see if they could handle one and one half tons of petitions to recall Scooter. I'm hoping it will be a much less contentious place to be once we send Scooter and his Koch-Sucking buddies packing. Hang in there on the diet.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          The State Capitol is a beautiful building. Please eject the shitstain.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Poor you. (Hugs James) Diets truly suck.

        • James Michael Curley

          It’s not really a ‘Life Goal” since the objective is, when the time comes a long, long time from now I hope, to keep the pallbearers at six or below.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            What a cheery fellow you are! And considerate, too! I'll give ya a hug anyway.

  • Bluestatelibel

    She went out of the frying pan straight into the santorum.

  • SorosBot

    Don't worry, he doesn't give off the impression of being anywhere close to semi-normal anymore.

  • carlgt1

    but you missed something else even more shocking – this abortionist doctor/OBGYN was the doctor who delivered her! That's pretty creepy isn't it?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Spanked her bottom, wait 22 years, do it again.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      There's a forty-year age difference between them. And apparently *she* came on to *him*? Talk about Daddy issues. Wait, no, Grandpa issues.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Karen always admired her great grandfather too…

        • Negropolis

          Such big hands…

    • Fare la Volpe

      I don't generally judge people's kinks, but that is some fucked up shit.

      • mayor_quimby

        Yes, very very freaky. Of all the cocks in all of PA…..

      • carlgt1

        plus just imagine the outrage if say Hillary Clinton had killed an ex-boyfriend (a la Laura Bush), and Michelle Obama had dated her own delivery doctor who performed abortions & was 40 years older (a la Karen Santorum). We would be hearing about this 10 times a day 24/7/365.

    • chicken_thief

      Did he also deliver Rick? And anally rape him instead of the usual slap on the ass or something? I mean, something had to make Santorum Santorum.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I'm sorry- wonkette really fracked up here– this is beyond burying the lede– he delivered. He was the doctor who delivered her, then her fucked her. Then he gave her an abortion or two, then he gave her to Santorum, who has his obvious hangup, see Freud, etc. Wonkette, come on, read your fukin news.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I see your point: Once Rick enters the picture, it does get rather gothic and creepy.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      I'll just recycle my snark from when I posted this story OT Monday: When he went out drinking with his buddies, he joked about having the "pick of the litter."

  • Schmannnity

    "she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over."

    Bow chicka wrong wrong.

    • rickmaci

      And those pesky Ten Commandments stayed locked in the basement.

      • Schmannnity

        Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's abortionist.

        • Schmannnity

          Nor his ass.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "If bonking you is wrong, I don't want to be right."

      I figure the math should be relative … the older you get, the less significant is a 20-year difference in age. (Send me a nursing student on a cold dark night, and I guarantee I'll consider all the options.)

      </snark> The two of them were happy for quite a while, so why judge either one of them harshly? It's nobody's business but their own.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Do I *have* to wear that little white uniform?

        You have a point. It's not as if May-December pairings are that unusual, either. I guess the sticking point for me is that Mrs. Santorum has quite some interesting inner workings, hitting on the obstetrician who *delivered* her for an affair. He was a handsome old warhorse, too,where she was plain as a pikestaff. It sounds, from the Newsweek article, as if this young woman deliberately took up with this much older man with a plan in mind. He paid to have her teeth straightened and then gave her a crash course on art, civilization, and culture, and when she was all "finished" (as in "finishing school), she found herself a schlump to marry.

  • chascates

    I too, long to be elderly and vibrant.

    • MissTaken

      Apparently banging numerous girls 40 years your junior is the secret.

      • chascates

        It's not my secret but it's my fantasy!

        UPDATE: I'm 57 years old!

        • MissTaken

          17 y.o's better watch out!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Happy birfday?

      • Chichikovovich

        Yuck! That would be the age of my little daughter.
        .
        .
        .
        But when I'm 20 years older I'm totally doing that.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Just keep rubbing it in about what a spring chicken you are, Chichikovovich. Ve haff our vayz.

          • Chichikovovich

            I thought the whole point of the "younger woman" strategy was so as not to need to rub it in.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're right. With younger women, you're much more likely to rub it out.

      • SorosBot

        If I banged a girl 40 years younger than me, she'd be -5 years old!

        • MissTaken

          Blue Ivy is a spinster!

          • Loaded_Pants

            But she's already a chart topper!

      • Schmannnity

        The French rule is divide age by two and add seven.

        • MissTaken

          57 year old men, here I am!

          EDIT – gross, that's my dad's age.

          • SorosBot

            Or you can go the other way and pick up the 20-year-old college boys.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Sis?

          • SorosBot

            And I actually had an ex-sort-of-girlfriend (more a fuck buddy really) who mostly dated men the age of her father, or close too it; in fact she dropped me for a serious relationship with a much older guy (she was about six years older than me). She definitely had daddy issues, big-time.

          • MissTaken

            I tried to date a guy 15 years my senior last year, but just couldn't do it. Although he was also a hedge fund manager so my disgust could've been from that, too.

          • SorosBot

            Fifteen years difference seems a little much to me; and that's going both ways. I'd say a decade is about the most I would stretch it.

          • Barb

            I'm 14 years older than you. I am SO in the club!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Jeez, I'm feeling ANCIENT! You're ALL a buncha spring chickens!

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Don't worry , Z. I haz teh oldz too.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thanks, darlz. Let's you and me hobble over to the *warm* end of the room, where they keep the large print magazines and ear trumpets. Sheesh!

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            What's that, young 'un? I've gone and misplaced my hearing aid again.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Young'un, eh? I'll show you young'un, missy (chases starfangled around the furniture v-e-r-y-s-l-o-w-l-y).

          • Barb

            I just got rejected over the "decade rule" LOL Soros TOTALLY dissed me!

          • SorosBot

            Hey, I'd never diss you; besides you're too already married for me!

          • Barb

            No, it's okay. I'm going to go lay down before a break a hip or something.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're about four decades from that yet, darlin'. Keep getting Jeffer to chase you around the furniture regularly, and you could ward it off for a fifth decade, even.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            *Virtual* flirtation operates by different rules, SorosBot. I couldn't have gaymarried Biff AND everyone else who showed up at our on-teh-Netz combination wedding and birthdays otherwise, you know.

          • SorosBot

            And age rules don't work for virtual flirting, either; so see, it's all good!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Arrr!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I shall have to take up arms in your defense, my love. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is SorosBot, bearing excuses.

          • Barb

            We should have a super cool party and not invite him. We could talk about things that interest Americans and discuss our futures. Wait, that's Buddy Roemer being left out.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're channeling the Republican Party, Barb. Break! Break!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            I like women my own age. (Not that I would kick any nursing students out of my bed, if Mrs. Kincaid wouldn't kill me.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            If there is a Mrs. Kincaid, and I do believe there is, rest assured that if you don't kick nursing students out of bed with great force, she *will* kill you.

            Don't ask me how I know this, just take my word for it.

          • MissTaken

            Agreed. He had money so I thought I could get over the fact we had nothing in common. I gave it 3 dates and bailed. Proof I could never do a Callista.

          • SorosBot

            What, you don't want her Tiffany's whore diamonds? It sounds like you have something she lacks, what's that again – oh yeah, self-respect and integrity.

          • Chichikovovich

            And diamonds.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, no. Callista HAS the diamonds, dear. MissTaken has the self-respect and integrity. That's the way the world works. Those who have the latter seldom acquire the former.

          • Chichikovovich

            Yeah, I shouldn't work and post at the same time. Mixed up the punchline completely.

          • Biff

            I once had a g/f 18 years younger than myself. We're still friends. It was pretty terrible, yet hot at the same time. She's dumb as dirt, also. I don't know why, but I feel that is relevant.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Proves that you're a slut who'll hump anything that moves. (Sniff!) We haven't been gay-married a week and already you've been unfaithful to me! WAAAH!

          • Biff

            25 years ago, m'dear. She's in Highland Park NJ, I'm in Bumfuck NV.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, like the timing matters!

          • chicken_thief

            I had one a them years back. Not really a girlfriend, per se. Since she was married and all. Dumb as a box of rocks, but would do anything. ANYTHING.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            Hence the pervading fascination among the male Wonkeratti with One L and Lou Sarah.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Judging from your photo (peers myopically at MissTaken's av), you're a sweet, pretty young thing. Don't waste your time on older guys. Most of them will have had at least one shitty relationship which has left them with scars; or else they're just not willing to be creative and thoughtful while rubbing bellybuttons. Pick someone your own age or, better yet, younger. They'll be so grateful to be getting any, they'll do whatever you tell them to. Why, they might even find, and scale, Mount Clitoris!

          • Chichikovovich

            I knew someone in roughly my field of research who married her thesis supervisor, a man old enough to be her grandfather. (He was more than forty years her senior.) Which would not be necessarily a bad thing if he were "kind, avuncular, charming genius with shaggy Einstein hair and sparkling, laughing eyes" old. But in fact he was "mean, vindictive, controlling, had been mediocre in his prime and now was mediocre and 30 years out of date and realizing that made him nasty" old.

            But we knew that she had had a series of catastrophically evil POS boyfriends and we figured – hey – she needed a stable force in her life. She had always seemed to have had self-esteem issues.

            He died just a few years later and within the year she had married one of his colleagues. Even older than the first husband. (Though this guy was at least quite nice.)

            A year after that she announced to everyone that she was expecting a child with her over-70 husband and they were doing the happy-parents-to-be dance.

            At that point, we began to realize that we were in the presence of some weapons-grade weirdness.

          • chascates

            That sounds like a male Hollywood star!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Boy, you math PhDs are smart as fuck where math is concerned and dumber than shit were social stuff is concerned.

            Don't look at me, dood, I'm seriously socially fre+arded myself, and I know it.

          • Chichikovovich

            Well, that's true enough, except that I can be pretty stupid when it comes to math too.

            But I'm not sure what in this story prompts that reaction. Perhaps the suggestion that it wasn't until the baby was announced that we realized we were in the presence of weirdness? That was for purposes of pacing the exposition. I assure you that we were well aware of the red-alert all-hands-on-deck weirdness levels long before that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ah, ok. I would've thought the marriage to someone more than 40 years older who also sounds like a primo asshole was a huge major neon red glowing warning sign. Even though I'm as thick as two short bricks, normally, in the presence of social cues.

          • Negropolis

            At that point, we began to realize that we were in the presence of some weapons-grade weirdness.

            I was glad that that is the conclusion you came to. I thought it may have been going the direction of lecturing folks about not judging strangness. lol

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Do like SorosBot sez, dear. Find you a sinewy-thighed, dewy-cheeked 20 y.o. who takes instructions well.

          • Fare la Volpe

            who takes instructions well

            Ahhh, yes. The reason I've dated so many soldiers in my short time on the market – they love to follow orders and I'm more than willing to give 'em.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            "[…] short time on the market […]" — engaged? Married? You're off the market, hon? Give. Wut happind?

          • Fare la Volpe

            No no no. I meant my short time on the market so far.

            You have to remember I'm very young – I only graduated college in May, and lost my virginity only 2 years before that. In that short time my two longest-running relationships were both with soldiers, in addition to a few air and seamen (heh) I've dabbled with before and after.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I always forget that you're the baby here, what with the rest of us being ancient relics and all. (Pats the dewy cheek)

            Speaking of seamen, did you ever see Handsome Harry?

          • Blueb4sunrise

            I'm only 56!!!!!!!!!!

          • Fare la Volpe

            Then get t'dickin'!

          • Blueb4sunrise

            Hang in there, have to have some warm soup and a nap first.

          • rocktonsam

            mmmmmmm warm soup and A nap

          • Fare la Volpe

            And an onion on the belt, which was the style of the time.

          • anniegetyerfun

            We both love soup, and snow peas. And talking and not talking. We could sit and talk or not talk for hours.

          • Dudleydidwrong

            Most of us who has teh oldz imagine ourselves as Hugh Hefner imagines himself. Be grateful that the brain is our biggest sex organ. (Of course that wasn't true once-upon-a-time)

        • Fare la Volpe

          Hon, let's be honest. The French rule is, "If there's grass on the field, you're too late."

      • horsedreamer_1

        The Playboy Way.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      All you need is batteries, really.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Unless a touch of palsy qualifies as "vibrant", batteries might be essential.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    “When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen…

    THAT'S IT! I'm voting for Newt.

    (flashes Iced Tea Shocker)
    ~

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      OK, I thought about it for at least one hour now.

      Do I really want to know what an Iced Tea Shocker is?

    • mayor_quimby

      I must know,as well!

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        It must be delicious, because Nestles tests in on animals. (Look higher on this page.)

  • Schmannnity

    I guess even Rick is a flip flopper when poon is involved.

    • Beetagger

      Guys will say anything to get laid.

      • Biff

        Haha yes, and I still manage to say exactly the wrong thing.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Are we talking *virtually* laid, or IRL? Because you talked your way right into a sex orgy of fiendish proportions Sunday night, as I recall. ALL KINDSA Wonketeers may have been in your pantalones.

          • Biff

            I can't believe you fell for it!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Wut?

          • Biff

            Wut?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I axed first.

          • Biff

            But I can find no cromulence in your question?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      But they never went on vacation to Mount Rushmore carrying the dead baby on the roof of the station wagon.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Fresh air rots them faster. And the smell.

    • mayor_quimby

      You whore with the poon you have, not the poon you wish you had.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Donald? Donald Rumsfeld, is that you?

  • MissTaken

    “That first night, as soon as it got dark, she called to say she was scared and asked if she could come up. I figured it was a come-on, but that was OK.”

    Dirty old man. Me likey!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Leer.

    • SorosBot

      Because you're a dirty, dirty woman; which I love about you.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Get a room, you two.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          We should spring for a room for them. With a concealed cam.

          • SorosBot

            Nah, what you need to spring for are a plane ticket from Philadelphia to San Francisco; or vice versa.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hey, long as we get to, you know, edit the resulting video clips for artistic content and what-all. I mean, y'all got quite a little fire going here already.

            Oh, I did NOT just say that. OK, smack me. I'm'a head back to my corner now and chew on a slipper.

          • MissTaken

            Crazy enough today I got an email from Sir Richard Branson that Virgin is starting Philly to SFO flights. Hmm…

          • SorosBot

            I just looked into it, and while the flights are expensive they're not that expensive. Anyway, I wish IntenseDebate had a private messaging function; since it looks like Spanky has finally stopped stalking us, let me know and I'll give you my email address.

          • MissTaken

            Spanky sucked. Go ahead and send it. But of course you know Barb and LimeyLizzie are going to be messaging the shit out of you!

          • SorosBot

            Barb already has my email address, and does! (Not really; we love ya, Barb). But it's reverend_proctor at yahoo.com.

          • MissTaken

            Alrighty!

        • MissTaken

          No can do. If SorosBot and me actually met in person there would be far too many Nuclear Aftershocks and they'd have to make documentaries about it. But damn it would be fun!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            C'mon, you could sell the DVDs, make a shitload of money, retire, gain fame, and keep your fellow-Wonketeerz fapping. Where's your sense of adventure, love, self-sacrifice?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            But they'd have the copyright, and nobody would be able to download it. (Reason enough, right there, to fight SOPA.)

            Anyhow, you know how it is with online romance: Soros is just enamored of MT's adorable avatar (and she's impressed by his massive p-ness.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            MT has the most adorable of avatars. And as for Soros, Shakespear said it best:

            "Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world. Like a Colossus, and we petty men. Walk under his huge legs and peep about."

            MASSIVE p-ness.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba
          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Thinking, apparently.

    • Not_So_Much

      That describes about 98% of we wonketeers. (but with less actual closing of the deal than this aged lady-part prober.)

      • Chichikovovich

        And are we ever envious of that 1% er. Occupy Pittsburgh!

  • coolhandnuke

    …“When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen.

    Little did Karen know that Santorum's definition of pro-choice was the A&P having 48 varietys of oatmeal on the shelves, and humanist meant one who collects fetuses in mason jars.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

    "You know," joked Santorum, "pro-choice gets you pussy".

    • chicken_thief

      That and a closet full of sweater vests.

  • JudasPeckerwood

    Hey, cut her a break –– I sometimes get "humanist" and "humanoid" mixed up, too.

    • Not_So_Much

      'Humanoid' is the one you get on your ass from too much sitting, right?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No, hon, that's Rush Limpballz.

        • Negropolis

          What is Gangrench, then?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That's when the blood supply to your Limpballz has been cut off so long that they turn black and fester.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

      Wasn't Rick's fetus baby named Chud?

  • spends2much

    Did Karen Garver suffer some sort of brain injury that lead to her becoming Mrs. Santorum? Sounds like she was semi-normal for a while there…

  • MissTaken

    Lame. People are supposed to become more relaxed and accepting as they get older. The Santorums on the other hand went from kinda cool to sweater vest and fetus jar. Ick.

  • rocktonsam

    yuck, this gives me the willies.
    need to cleanse the dirties off me with much liquor

  • Callyson

    First she goes for the doctor who *delivered* her, then Old Steady Eddie huh? I know one woman who needs some self esteem classes, stat…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Paging Dr. Freud.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Gabriel Michael Santorum lived for only two hours. The Santorums spent the night in the hospital bed with their lifeless baby lying between them. The next morning they brought the palm-sized corpse to Karen's parent's house. They had their other children pose for pictures and cuddle with Gabriel. They sang lullabies and held a private mass."

    Anbody still wondering why the kids are fucked up?

    • chascates

      Barbara Bush saving her daughter in a glass jar seems pretty tame now.

    • Schmannnity

      Can Gabriel Micheal come out and play?
      No, he's dead and palm-sized.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        That's OK, we're playing beanbag.

        • Schmannnity

          1. That's sick,
          2. That reminds me of at least a dozen dead baby jokes, and
          3. Does your new moniker mean the final demise of Palin (Oh No)?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            1. Thanks!
            2. I know some too, wanna trade?
            3. That's ntDewey's theory. My first ever nym here was Pristine O'Donnell, and she sank right through the floor; and then for a while, I was Michele Wackmann, and she vanished into the ether; and then I was Herman Cain for a while, and he's on a bus to Timbuktu. I'm pretty sure I don't want to be Santorum for shit … er, yuck … er, laughs, and I'm hoping my being Mitt will wipe him out. I don't think I'll need to go back to Palin, evah, but I'd do it if it would make you happy. But not till after I get rid of Mitt.

          • Schmannnity

            1. You're welcome.
            2. How do you make a dead baby float? What's red and sits in the corner?
            3. You're the Black Widow of Republican doofuses.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            2. I dunno, how DO you make a dead baby float? (Pump it full of air?)
            2a. I dunno, what's red and sits in the corner? (A dead baby in a blender?)
            3. As a science geek, I don't really believe in magical thinking, but it's been a delight to me to watch it all unfold. Correlation is not causation, but I like to think that I'm doing my bit to eradicate the current mutation of the Republican Party.

          • Schmannnity

            2. A large glass of root beer and two scoops of dead baby.
            2a. A baby eating razor blades.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Dear god that is truly horrible yet wonderful.

            What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

            Why use a pitchfork to unload a truck full of dead babies? In case any of them are still alive.

          • Schmannnity

            What's more disgusting than a truckload of dead babies? A truckload with a live one on the bottom trying to gnaw his way out.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Why are dead babies easier to load than live babies? The live ones wiggle off the pitchfork.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall? Ripping them down.

          • Biff

            I recall Pristine O'Dummy, also.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Also, too.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          That is DISGUSTING!!

          And I laughed so loud I woke my poor birdy on his perch.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Wasn't it though? I felt like I was channeling Barb.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          You are on fire!

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      This one is up there with the story about Marines peeing on dead Taliban, except that Santorum is more disgusting than pee…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Yeah except the part about "him" living two hours is a bunch bullshit. No fetus at 20 weeks can survive outside the womb that long. Their lungs don't work. Karen Santorum's story is unique in the annals of journalism. She may as well have written a book stating monkeys flew out of her butt, and every paper in the world would have run with that as the headline.

      And guess what, the hospital doesn't give you the dead fetus to pass around and perform tricks with. Oh and they don't let you take them home. When my wife had her late termination, nobody approached us for photo ops, nor would they have accommodated us had we asked.

      The whole concocted story is steaming tripe with Santorum ladled over it as it turns.

      • Biff

        nor would they have accommodated us had we asked.
        Except when they do.

        • Schmannnity

          Malpractice alert! PS, is that a Budweiser cooler?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          OK, that's the state law there. The law in my state says that a hospital is not permitted to allow any human tissue to leave the premises except via the procedure laid out in health regulations, which specify that all human tissue must be disposed of at specified locations by specified methods.

        • johnedens

          Dang, that is one link that leads to all sorts of fun…

          From the article itself, this bit of understated writing:

          "I don't think it's right for me to have to bring my child home and bury him in my own back yard," Brown says.

          In Hamilton County, Tennessee people can by buried on a family's private property if they have a designated burial plot and permission from county officials.

          Melvina Brown doesn't have a burial plot, nor does she want to bury her child in her back yard.

          Which ought to win some sort of snark prize.

          And the list of suggested links on the page:

          We Recommend

          Man shot after performing forced fellatio
          Former Ravens tackle Orlando Brown dead at 40
          Man eats drugs stashed in brother's butt, dies
          Mom forces teen to wear sign: 'I lie, I steal, I sell drugs, I don't follow the law'
          Flint, Mich., woman posts n-word on home to send message
          40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy's closet

          Is that site related to Wonkette somehow?

      • Schmannnity

        What are you saying? No puppet show at the Santorums?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Judging from the description of Mrs. Santorum's condition at the time (105F temperature, hospitalized), the fetal mass was already infected and probably rotting, at least in part.

        And you're correct, hospitals have rules against releasing human tissue. They won't give you back your cancerous tumours or your amputated limp or that jellylike, liver-coloured lump that probably emerged from Mrs. Santorum. Barf.

        I'm so sorry, mrblifil.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Whether or not they had it at home with them, Rick did indeed have photos of it. One of them was in his office when he was in the Senate. I saw it with my own eyes.

        • Negropolis

          This is an intensely strange man, and I really don't have much more to say beyond that. I'm caught somewhere between pity for, and aversion to, this man. He seems thoroughly human at the same time that he seems unhuman (and inhumane).

        • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

          I'd like to see that photo. a 20-week old fetus doesn't look like much. And it wouldn't surprise me to learn that Rick staged something that wasn't exactly the truth.

          • Schmannnity

            Actually, it kind of looks like McCain.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            It's got Ron Paul's eyebrows! How does that happen?

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            Good point. Needless to say, I was so grossed out I didn't study the photo.But later, the more I've heard about this — the sleeping with it, the children singing to it, etc. — the more I've come to disbelieve the entire thing.I have heard about people being photographed with stillborn infants (quite common in the 19th century and still done today), but 20 weeks is not anywhere near to term.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          A photo of a lump of rotting tissue? Or did it look human?

  • SorosBot

    Here's a great quote from Rick's cousin from the City Paper article; even his family hates him:

    "Our extended family has many strong women in it, who are intelligent and outspoken. There was one year Rick stopped by a family reunion for an hour or two. It was around the time he was 'rising to power' and becoming rabidly, ridiculously conservative. His views on abortion were quite contentious that year, and for those few hours of his visit, the women all descended upon him like flies, calling him on his change of views. He had always been pro-choice to my recollection. That's why it was such a heated issue that year. The women in my family felt betrayed."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Makes me like his family. The ones back in the old country seem to be red-diaper-babies to a man/woman.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      "In retaliation, Rick made sure he'd ruin the family name Google search forever."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Stopping by a family reunion for an hour or two? That says a lot.

      The creepy little sleazeball discovered that going all wingnutty religious was the ticket to power, so he went there. Too late, he's discovering that it only buys you local power with the local yokels … and now he's fucked, because these troglodytes are NOT tolerant of the flip-flop-Romney-bop.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    You mean she swings both ways? Hot!

    • MissTaken

      Actually, from the sounds of what this doctor was up to back then, she probably did!

  • coolhandnuke

    If this is of any consolation to Mrs. Santorum, Tim Tebow, up to the age of fourteen was a member of the Florida Humanists–an all gay boys soccer team whose members donated all their free time to Planned Parenthood.

    • chicken_thief

      No wonder he throws like a girl.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Link or GTFO. I Googled it and all I got was your post.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Karen Garver sounds much better than Karen Santorum, at least when you google it… (still crazy though)

  • MissTaken

    Regarding the picture above:

    I feel really uncomfortable with that man in the sweater vest staring at that woman's breasts so openly.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Something tells me so does he.

    • chicken_thief

      Well, she is juggling them…. I mean, at that point, are you supposed to watch?! Help me out here, ladies….

  • Fare la Volpe

    Well at least I know I'm not the only one who enjoys me some silver foxes. And a doctor to boot – Ruff!

    Why the hell'd you pass that one up and go with Cap'n Dweeboid, Karen?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Ricky was young and could get it up three times a day? I mean, this was pre-Viagra, yaknow. And the fact is, the older you get, the harder it is, so to speak.

      • Fare la Volpe

        This was pre-Viagra, yaknow

        Truly barbaric times.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          And can you imagine the state of this country if insurance didn't pay for it!?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Way back when at the gay day parade, someone told me a joke that sounded kinda like what you just said. The punch line went something like "and lots of fat, happy women."

            I don't know why I thought of that.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So we was an abortionist while he was making Home Improvement?

  • MMathS

    Karen Santorum looks like Conan O'Brien in drag in that picture.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Finnish Presidency Libel!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      She used to be kinda pretty. I guess homeschooling seven sprog and living with Mr. Righteous Hassan Knowitall will do that to ya.

    • Negropolis

      Which is kind of weird because Conan looks like Conan in drag.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Let's try to remember that fundamentalists can get out of any hypocrisy by claiming that was "before" and God has forgiven them since then, so there's not really much point in bringing it up except to determine when the exact point in their lives they went insane was.

    • MissTaken

      Ah yes, the 'youthful indiscretions' cop-out. Worked for Dubya!

      • Fare la Volpe

        "Mr. Bush, 45 does not qualify as 'youthful.'"

    • Mojopo

      People will say that opinions evolve. Sometimes, though, not for the better. I'm looking at it this way: Did Frothy sell Karen a totally different guy or did he turn into a stupid lunatic? It can't be both. I feel sad for her. Part of me wonders if she saw a younger man, thought about having kids and she had no idea what Rick was really like.

      Also, because I'm a bitch, "Haha, you didn't marry a virgin, dickface!"

    • mayor_quimby

      I'm still in the window where I can strap a pit bull to my roof in a plastic bag, and still be president. Hoooraaayy!

  • salt_bagel

    ♫ Fetus in a jar/Fetus in a jar ♫

    ♫ Lookin' like a fool/with your fetus in a jar ♫

  • DaRooster

    I love Tom the Tool Man Taylor… good thing he had all of those tools. They come in handy… what… oh… that was Tim?,… never mind.

  • owhatever

    Sobs. "I slept with him, Rick."
    Sobs. "So did I, Karen."
    Sobs. Sobs.

  • Buckminster

    There once was a man named Santorum
    Who stepped in when girls' suitors bored 'em.
    His slick sweater vests
    And fetus-jar jests
    Were all it would take to dead floor them.

    (Who is this woman, stoopie mc stoop?)

  • Buckminster

    "Mr. Santorum, why do you hate the olds and their love of younger women?"

  • Buckminster

    Jebus, it's "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Sting for presnet.

  • mavenmaven

    She left the old guy with young ideas for a younger guy with much older ideas.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    So…worked with an abortionist…check.
    Fucked an abortionist…check.
    Lived with an abortionist…check.
    Stayed in touch with an abortionist after marrying someone else…check.
    Had an abortion of her own a few years later…check.

    Hey Rick and Karen? Would you mind kindly fucking off and dying forever, along with the stunted brood you were able to bring forth in a somewhat sentient state? Thx, kiss!

  • Mojopo

    Remember kids, it's OK to shack up with an abortionist if you're a Republican!

  • rickmaci

    Republican platform plank number 1: Do as I say and not as I do!!!

    Ho Hum.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Rickie was an eighties maniac? Photos of Santorum as a Green Day groupie or GTFO.

  • ttommyunger

    This puts a whole new, sick, twist on the old "Return to the Womb" scenario (dry heaves uncontrollably).

  • Wadisay

    It would be kind of neat, too, if the only "humanist bone in [Santorum's] body" turned out to belong to his college roommate.

  • Limeylizzie

    I have never dated anyone my own age, my first bf was 32 and I was 15 , I dallied with some youngsters over the years but always fell for the olds.

  • JackObin

    She has serious hair issues.

  • Buckminster

    Jebus, it's "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Sting for presnet.

  • Mojopo

    Fundies prefer it. It's actually kind of a "thing". I have a family full of them, and it never made sense to me, either. But it is a source of pride for the women to be virgins (the men not as much, sexist logic I guess). I know a couple who shared their first kiss at the altar.

    Edit – Frothy is evil enough to make her feel bad about it, I betcha. That's sad.

  • Buckminster

    There once was a man named Santorum,
    Said, "I'll beat this old coot, I'll outscore him!"
    Guess his wife was Lolita
    Him, white-bread-Velveeta
    I weep, "Conjugal, it's decorum."

    –Buckminster the first dog laureate

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    She also used to be somewhat attractive.
    http://www.thedailybeast.com/content/newsweek/201

    Now she just looks like Santorum's twin.

    • Radiotherapy

      You're talking about the one on the right, right? She has a mighty hirsute beard though.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    I'm sorry, I'm having a small brain fit because I think my subject and verb are not in agreement, wut?

    Right. Horrifying, eh? Toss the little lump into a bait bucket and hand it off to the bereaved would-ha'been-parents.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    The striking thing to me in this story is that the young Ms Garver apparently thought of herself as a liberal humanist, but once she went frothy she turned into a committed breeder.

    Of course, this may resonate with me because my ex (a mere eleven years my junior) turned into a Mormon after we got divorced.

    • Buckminster

      You have my sympathy.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      You're better off without her. Any person who, not having been brainwashed from birth by the church, decides that it is rational to wear those fugly garments 24/7 has to have something seriously wrong with him or her.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I think she mostly liked the tribal-support vibe. We're talking about San Jose Mormons here. I presume the underoos exist, but I think she pretty much just lets the theology slide by (like many folks do).

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You're still better off without her. Anyone who would give up such suave and witty elegance for the joy of being enslaved to breeder ideology isn't quite right in the haid.

  • Nostrildamus

    News fresh off the wire (hanger).

  • Negropolis

    …in this case stars the twentysomething sexytimes of one Karen Santorum née Garver before she met hubby Rick Santorum, all the way back when she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over.

    I think I've seen this movie…

    “But I don’t think there’s a humanist bone in that man’s body.”

    You're correct, Mr. Allen. It's a horse, or maybe even a…dog.

    • Chichikovovich

      Oooooo….. sharp eye. Santorum denounced "man on dog" sex, all right, but it's very revealing that he never could quite bring himself to denounce dog on man.

  • Negropolis

    What would the Republican Party be without rank hypocrisy? No, seriously, what would be a comparable organization or group of people?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Well, that's a tough question. I assume it's not directly related to the article, which is about a person who evidently changed her views to match those of the person she decided to bond with. Ignoring gendered pronouns, this is not uncommon, and I'd call it "changing one's mind" rather than "hypocrisy".

      But, back to your question. I don't think you can visualize the modern Republican Party without hypocrisy. It's controlled by, and operated for the benefit of, that segment of the wealthy that is either too greedy or too stupid to realize that their success is dependent on the common strength, and continued existence, of the entire nation. But to achieve political success, they must have many more votes than available to their controlling group, so they pander relentlessly to the social biases of anybody they can get to pay attention. The plutocrats and political lifers that head up the party mostly don't believe in the shit they're peddling (it doesn't affect them personally), but you give the crowd what it wants.

      So, I guess I'd say that the modern Republican Party is, at its core, a hypocrisy factory.

  • Trinket

    I like this Tom Allen fellow.

  • fuflans

    i got nothing except: gross.

    no seriously, gross.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    You're welcome.

  • Smithboy

    Santorum bumper sticker…"God wants us to protect the fetus and kill muslims!"

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I heard "American Horror Story" would have a completely new storyline for the 2nd season, but this is ridiculous.

  • jus_wonderin

    Karen was just taking advantage of an older man's shakey hands.

  • DahBoner

    Sure he was an abortionist, but he was a motherfucking rich doctor.

    Who no doubt, dumped her ugly ass for someone easier to look at…

  • bikerlaureate

    Just learned about her lying ways thanx to Dan Savage

    “I think it’s very sad [what] the gay activists have done out there,” she replied. “They vilify him, and it’s so wrong. Rick does not hate anyone. He loves them. What he has simply said is [gay] marriage shouldn’t happen."

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Apparently she decided piano lessons were essential to her "finishing," so he bought her a Steinway They don't seem to have helped her in any way. Actually, her entire "finishing" seems to have been somewhat futile. She's as dumpy a political wife as I've ever seen, Barbara Bush included. Strange woman.

  • MissTaken

    Not to give to much info about myself to avoid getting banhammered here, but I'm in the industry, too. Most of us are just cogs who do the analysis/accounting-type work. It's the men (yes, all of them men) who make trading decisions who are the dicks. And yes, they are dicks.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    I had no idea one risked the banhammer from TMI.

  • snackypants

    I'm an accountant and I still don't understand how the fuck a hedge fund works.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I didn't know that you could get banned over your career here. Don't tell anyone that I'm blogger, mmmmkay?

  • chicken_thief

    Apparently neither does AIG and they insured all the risk.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Don't worry, that's not a "career".

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Cams ready?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Isn't it terrific to be present at the very first notes of Young Love? Oh, all right, young FranticallyFuckingLust, then.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Too shay.