THE EIGHTIES WERE SO WEIRD  7:26 pm January 17, 2012

Rick Santorum’s Wife Used To Dig The Pro-Choice Types, We Hear

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Sinking political tabloid Newsweek has got a HOT SCOOP on a story that, as usual, broke several years ago, which in this case stars the twentysomething sexytimes of one Karen Santorum née Garver before she met hubby Rick Santorum, all the way back when she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over. See, droll soft core porno fantasies really do come true! Anyway, BORING, how about a more imaginative plot twist? Oh right, the doctor was an abortionist, and Karen Garver not only stayed the night but also the next six years with urbane liberal obstetrician Tom Allen before deciding she wanted to date rigid nut Rick Santorum instead. And still only THEN do we get to the really hilarious part: Garver explained to Allen after they broke up that he would probably even like her new boyfriend, because Santorum “was pro-choice and a humanist.” What?

Here’s the very weird detail from the 2005 Philadelphia City Paper story:

“When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen, an elderly but vibrant man, during a brief conversation on the porch of his Pittsburgh row home. “But I don’t think there’s a humanist bone in that man’s body.”

Look out, Rick Santorum! QUICK say something super off-the-reservation crazy in case the other wingnuts are planning to take away your nutjob credentials over the new-old revelation that you may have accidentally given someone the impression of being semi-normal at some point twenty years ago. (Give it thirty seconds, don’t worry.) [Newsweek/ Philadelphia City Paper]

 
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{ 276 comments }

Beetagger January 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Once you've had Santorum, you never go back.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm

That sounds like having santorum as in having santorum for breakfast, so ew.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

No, you keep running forward till the wind blows every last dried trace of it off. (May take some years.)

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

It's a bitch to get out of sheets.

Loaded_Pants January 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

And off the wall.

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 11:41 pm

And off the soul.

Radiotherapy January 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Or, once you go blah, you never go back.

horsedreamer_1 January 17, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Karen Garver was like a moth to the flame, where froth is concerned.

Chillwillard January 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I just threw up a nice steak dinner, so thanks.

bagofmice January 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm

You go bare-back.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Great, now it turns out that Santorum is a secret Muslim Humanist. Is anyone in this country safe?

Crank_Tango January 17, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Is a humanist like a racist, but against humans?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Judging from Santorum, yes.

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:04 am

Personal best!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 17, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Well, we now know why Karen Santorum had no problem carrying around a dead fetus.

Rotundo_ January 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

And now he is a punchline. Words cannot adequately express my admiration for the truly good work Dan Savage has done to render this fellow politically inert. True genius and as sweet a poetic justice as has ever been unleashed.

James Michael Curley January 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Your avatar reminds me of a fine, high quality piece of mocha chocolate in a crisp white fluted cup waiting to be …. does it sound like I'm on a diet?

Rotundo_ January 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm

The dome to the capital rotunda in Madison WI, where they had to inspect the floors of the state government accountability offices to see if they could handle one and one half tons of petitions to recall Scooter. I'm hoping it will be a much less contentious place to be once we send Scooter and his Koch-Sucking buddies packing. Hang in there on the diet.

ShaveTheWhales January 17, 2012 at 10:36 pm

The State Capitol is a beautiful building. Please eject the shitstain.

Bonghits4Jesus January 18, 2012 at 2:35 am

I think someone's been spreading Santorum on the Madison rotunda.
http://spreadingsantorum.com/

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Poor you. (Hugs James) Diets truly suck.

James Michael Curley January 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

It’s not really a ‘Life Goal” since the objective is, when the time comes a long, long time from now I hope, to keep the pallbearers at six or below.

MittBorg January 19, 2012 at 11:24 pm

What a cheery fellow you are! And considerate, too! I'll give ya a hug anyway.

Bluestatelibel January 17, 2012 at 7:34 pm

She went out of the frying pan straight into the santorum.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Don't worry, he doesn't give off the impression of being anywhere close to semi-normal anymore.

carlgt1 January 17, 2012 at 7:35 pm

but you missed something else even more shocking – this abortionist doctor/OBGYN was the doctor who delivered her! That's pretty creepy isn't it?

Gleem_McShineys January 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Spanked her bottom, wait 22 years, do it again.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:05 pm

There's a forty-year age difference between them. And apparently *she* came on to *him*? Talk about Daddy issues. Wait, no, Grandpa issues.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Karen always admired her great grandfather too…

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Such big hands…

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I don't generally judge people's kinks, but that is some fucked up shit.

mayor_quimby January 18, 2012 at 4:44 am

Yes, very very freaky. Of all the cocks in all of PA…..

carlgt1 January 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm

plus just imagine the outrage if say Hillary Clinton had killed an ex-boyfriend (a la Laura Bush), and Michelle Obama had dated her own delivery doctor who performed abortions & was 40 years older (a la Karen Santorum). We would be hearing about this 10 times a day 24/7/365.

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Did he also deliver Rick? And anally rape him instead of the usual slap on the ass or something? I mean, something had to make Santorum Santorum.

NYNYNYjr January 18, 2012 at 2:24 am

I'm sorry- wonkette really fracked up here– this is beyond burying the lede– he delivered. He was the doctor who delivered her, then her fucked her. Then he gave her an abortion or two, then he gave her to Santorum, who has his obvious hangup, see Freud, etc. Wonkette, come on, read your fukin news.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 5:09 am

I see your point: Once Rick enters the picture, it does get rather gothic and creepy.

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:08 am

I'll just recycle my snark from when I posted this story OT Monday: When he went out drinking with his buddies, he joked about having the "pick of the litter."

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm

"she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over."

Bow chicka wrong wrong.

rickmaci January 17, 2012 at 9:59 pm

And those pesky Ten Commandments stayed locked in the basement.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's abortionist.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Nor his ass.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 4:44 am

"If bonking you is wrong, I don't want to be right."

I figure the math should be relative … the older you get, the less significant is a 20-year difference in age. (Send me a nursing student on a cold dark night, and I guarantee I'll consider all the options.)

</snark> The two of them were happy for quite a while, so why judge either one of them harshly? It's nobody's business but their own.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Do I *have* to wear that little white uniform?

You have a point. It's not as if May-December pairings are that unusual, either. I guess the sticking point for me is that Mrs. Santorum has quite some interesting inner workings, hitting on the obstetrician who *delivered* her for an affair. He was a handsome old warhorse, too,where she was plain as a pikestaff. It sounds, from the Newsweek article, as if this young woman deliberately took up with this much older man with a plan in mind. He paid to have her teeth straightened and then gave her a crash course on art, civilization, and culture, and when she was all "finished" (as in "finishing school), she found herself a schlump to marry.

chascates January 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I too, long to be elderly and vibrant.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Apparently banging numerous girls 40 years your junior is the secret.

chascates January 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

It's not my secret but it's my fantasy!

UPDATE: I'm 57 years old!

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

17 y.o's better watch out!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Happy birfday?

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Yuck! That would be the age of my little daughter.
.
.
.
But when I'm 20 years older I'm totally doing that.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Just keep rubbing it in about what a spring chicken you are, Chichikovovich. Ve haff our vayz.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I thought the whole point of the "younger woman" strategy was so as not to need to rub it in.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

If I banged a girl 40 years younger than me, she'd be -5 years old!

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Blue Ivy is a spinster!

Loaded_Pants January 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm

But she's already a chart topper!

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm

The French rule is divide age by two and add seven.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

57 year old men, here I am!

EDIT – gross, that's my dad's age.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Or you can go the other way and pick up the 20-year-old college boys.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Sis?

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

And I actually had an ex-sort-of-girlfriend (more a fuck buddy really) who mostly dated men the age of her father, or close too it; in fact she dropped me for a serious relationship with a much older guy (she was about six years older than me). She definitely had daddy issues, big-time.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Do like SorosBot sez, dear. Find you a sinewy-thighed, dewy-cheeked 20 y.o. who takes instructions well.

Blueb4sunrise January 17, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I'm only 56!!!!!!!!!!

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Hon, let's be honest. The French rule is, "If there's grass on the field, you're too late."

horsedreamer_1 January 17, 2012 at 8:29 pm

The Playboy Way.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:05 pm

All you need is batteries, really.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Unless a touch of palsy qualifies as "vibrant", batteries might be essential.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

“When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen…

THAT'S IT! I'm voting for Newt.

(flashes Iced Tea Shocker)
~

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:36 pm

OK, I thought about it for at least one hour now.

Do I really want to know what an Iced Tea Shocker is?

mayor_quimby January 18, 2012 at 5:00 am

I must know,as well!

Spurning Beer January 18, 2012 at 8:22 am

It must be delicious, because Nestles tests in on animals. (Look higher on this page.)

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I guess even Rick is a flip flopper when poon is involved.

Beetagger January 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Guys will say anything to get laid.

Biff January 17, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Haha yes, and I still manage to say exactly the wrong thing.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Are we talking *virtually* laid, or IRL? Because you talked your way right into a sex orgy of fiendish proportions Sunday night, as I recall. ALL KINDSA Wonketeers may have been in your pantalones.

Biff January 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I can't believe you fell for it!

BTWBFDIMHO January 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm

But they never went on vacation to Mount Rushmore carrying the dead baby on the roof of the station wagon.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Fresh air rots them faster. And the smell.

mayor_quimby January 18, 2012 at 5:01 am

You whore with the poon you have, not the poon you wish you had.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Donald? Donald Rumsfeld, is that you?

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm

“That first night, as soon as it got dark, she called to say she was scared and asked if she could come up. I figured it was a come-on, but that was OK.”

Dirty old man. Me likey!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Leer.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Because you're a dirty, dirty woman; which I love about you.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Get a room, you two.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:15 pm

We should spring for a room for them. With a concealed cam.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Nah, what you need to spring for are a plane ticket from Philadelphia to San Francisco; or vice versa.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

No can do. If SorosBot and me actually met in person there would be far too many Nuclear Aftershocks and they'd have to make documentaries about it. But damn it would be fun!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:57 pm

C'mon, you could sell the DVDs, make a shitload of money, retire, gain fame, and keep your fellow-Wonketeerz fapping. Where's your sense of adventure, love, self-sacrifice?

Not_So_Much January 17, 2012 at 8:46 pm

That describes about 98% of we wonketeers. (but with less actual closing of the deal than this aged lady-part prober.)

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

And are we ever envious of that 1% er. Occupy Pittsburgh!

coolhandnuke January 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm

…“When [Karen Garver] moved out to go be with Rick, she told me I’d like him, that he was pro-choice and a humanist,” said Allen.

Little did Karen know that Santorum's definition of pro-choice was the A&P having 48 varietys of oatmeal on the shelves, and humanist meant one who collects fetuses in mason jars.

smokefillednewyear January 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

"You know," joked Santorum, "pro-choice gets you pussy".

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 11:06 pm

That and a closet full of sweater vests.

JudasPeckerwood January 17, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Hey, cut her a break –– I sometimes get "humanist" and "humanoid" mixed up, too.

Not_So_Much January 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm

'Humanoid' is the one you get on your ass from too much sitting, right?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

No, hon, that's Rush Limpballz.

Negropolis January 18, 2012 at 12:00 am

What is Gangrench, then?

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 12:11 am

That's when the blood supply to your Limpballz has been cut off so long that they turn black and fester.

smokefillednewyear January 18, 2012 at 1:13 am

Wasn't Rick's fetus baby named Chud?

spends2much January 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Did Karen Garver suffer some sort of brain injury that lead to her becoming Mrs. Santorum? Sounds like she was semi-normal for a while there…

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Lame. People are supposed to become more relaxed and accepting as they get older. The Santorums on the other hand went from kinda cool to sweater vest and fetus jar. Ick.

rocktonsam January 17, 2012 at 7:46 pm

yuck, this gives me the willies.
need to cleanse the dirties off me with much liquor

Callyson January 17, 2012 at 7:47 pm

First she goes for the doctor who *delivered* her, then Old Steady Eddie huh? I know one woman who needs some self esteem classes, stat…

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Paging Dr. Freud.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 17, 2012 at 7:47 pm

"Gabriel Michael Santorum lived for only two hours. The Santorums spent the night in the hospital bed with their lifeless baby lying between them. The next morning they brought the palm-sized corpse to Karen's parent's house. They had their other children pose for pictures and cuddle with Gabriel. They sang lullabies and held a private mass."

Anbody still wondering why the kids are fucked up?

chascates January 17, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Barbara Bush saving her daughter in a glass jar seems pretty tame now.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Can Gabriel Micheal come out and play?
No, he's dead and palm-sized.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm

That's OK, we're playing beanbag.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 8:45 pm

1. That's sick,
2. That reminds me of at least a dozen dead baby jokes, and
3. Does your new moniker mean the final demise of Palin (Oh No)?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:20 pm

1. Thanks!
2. I know some too, wanna trade?
3. That's ntDewey's theory. My first ever nym here was Pristine O'Donnell, and she sank right through the floor; and then for a while, I was Michele Wackmann, and she vanished into the ether; and then I was Herman Cain for a while, and he's on a bus to Timbuktu. I'm pretty sure I don't want to be Santorum for shit … er, yuck … er, laughs, and I'm hoping my being Mitt will wipe him out. I don't think I'll need to go back to Palin, evah, but I'd do it if it would make you happy. But not till after I get rid of Mitt.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 8:47 pm

That is DISGUSTING!!

And I laughed so loud I woke my poor birdy on his perch.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Wasn't it though? I felt like I was channeling Barb.

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:31 am

You are on fire!

Chillwillard January 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

This one is up there with the story about Marines peeing on dead Taliban, except that Santorum is more disgusting than pee…

mrblifil January 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Yeah except the part about "him" living two hours is a bunch bullshit. No fetus at 20 weeks can survive outside the womb that long. Their lungs don't work. Karen Santorum's story is unique in the annals of journalism. She may as well have written a book stating monkeys flew out of her butt, and every paper in the world would have run with that as the headline.

And guess what, the hospital doesn't give you the dead fetus to pass around and perform tricks with. Oh and they don't let you take them home. When my wife had her late termination, nobody approached us for photo ops, nor would they have accommodated us had we asked.

The whole concocted story is steaming tripe with Santorum ladled over it as it turns.

Biff January 17, 2012 at 9:52 pm

nor would they have accommodated us had we asked.
Except when they do.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Malpractice alert! PS, is that a Budweiser cooler?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm

OK, that's the state law there. The law in my state says that a hospital is not permitted to allow any human tissue to leave the premises except via the procedure laid out in health regulations, which specify that all human tissue must be disposed of at specified locations by specified methods.

johnedens January 18, 2012 at 9:50 am

Dang, that is one link that leads to all sorts of fun…

From the article itself, this bit of understated writing:

"I don't think it's right for me to have to bring my child home and bury him in my own back yard," Brown says.

In Hamilton County, Tennessee people can by buried on a family's private property if they have a designated burial plot and permission from county officials.

Melvina Brown doesn't have a burial plot, nor does she want to bury her child in her back yard.

Which ought to win some sort of snark prize.

And the list of suggested links on the page:

We Recommend

Man shot after performing forced fellatio
Former Ravens tackle Orlando Brown dead at 40
Man eats drugs stashed in brother's butt, dies
Mom forces teen to wear sign: 'I lie, I steal, I sell drugs, I don't follow the law'
Flint, Mich., woman posts n-word on home to send message
40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy's closet

Is that site related to Wonkette somehow?

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm

What are you saying? No puppet show at the Santorums?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Judging from the description of Mrs. Santorum's condition at the time (105F temperature, hospitalized), the fetal mass was already infected and probably rotting, at least in part.

And you're correct, hospitals have rules against releasing human tissue. They won't give you back your cancerous tumours or your amputated limp or that jellylike, liver-coloured lump that probably emerged from Mrs. Santorum. Barf.

I'm so sorry, mrblifil.

Jukesgrrl January 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Whether or not they had it at home with them, Rick did indeed have photos of it. One of them was in his office when he was in the Senate. I saw it with my own eyes.

Negropolis January 18, 2012 at 12:17 am

This is an intensely strange man, and I really don't have much more to say beyond that. I'm caught somewhere between pity for, and aversion to, this man. He seems thoroughly human at the same time that he seems unhuman (and inhumane).

mrblifil January 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

I'd like to see that photo. a 20-week old fetus doesn't look like much. And it wouldn't surprise me to learn that Rick staged something that wasn't exactly the truth.

Schmannnity January 18, 2012 at 10:52 am

Actually, it kind of looks like McCain.

Jukesgrrl January 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Good point. Needless to say, I was so grossed out I didn't study the photo.But later, the more I've heard about this — the sleeping with it, the children singing to it, etc. — the more I've come to disbelieve the entire thing.I have heard about people being photographed with stillborn infants (quite common in the 19th century and still done today), but 20 weeks is not anywhere near to term.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:29 pm

A photo of a lump of rotting tissue? Or did it look human?

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Here's a great quote from Rick's cousin from the City Paper article; even his family hates him:

"Our extended family has many strong women in it, who are intelligent and outspoken. There was one year Rick stopped by a family reunion for an hour or two. It was around the time he was 'rising to power' and becoming rabidly, ridiculously conservative. His views on abortion were quite contentious that year, and for those few hours of his visit, the women all descended upon him like flies, calling him on his change of views. He had always been pro-choice to my recollection. That's why it was such a heated issue that year. The women in my family felt betrayed."

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Makes me like his family. The ones back in the old country seem to be red-diaper-babies to a man/woman.

Chillwillard January 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm

"In retaliation, Rick made sure he'd ruin the family name Google search forever."

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 4:37 am

Stopping by a family reunion for an hour or two? That says a lot.

The creepy little sleazeball discovered that going all wingnutty religious was the ticket to power, so he went there. Too late, he's discovering that it only buys you local power with the local yokels … and now he's fucked, because these troglodytes are NOT tolerant of the flip-flop-Romney-bop.

Harry_S_Truman January 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

You mean she swings both ways? Hot!

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Actually, from the sounds of what this doctor was up to back then, she probably did!

coolhandnuke January 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

If this is of any consolation to Mrs. Santorum, Tim Tebow, up to the age of fourteen was a member of the Florida Humanists–an all gay boys soccer team whose members donated all their free time to Planned Parenthood.

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

No wonder he throws like a girl.

Jukesgrrl January 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Link or GTFO. I Googled it and all I got was your post.

BZ1 January 17, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Karen Garver sounds much better than Karen Santorum, at least when you google it… (still crazy though)

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Regarding the picture above:

I feel really uncomfortable with that man in the sweater vest staring at that woman's breasts so openly.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Something tells me so does he.

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Well, she is juggling them…. I mean, at that point, are you supposed to watch?! Help me out here, ladies….

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Well at least I know I'm not the only one who enjoys me some silver foxes. And a doctor to boot – Ruff!

Why the hell'd you pass that one up and go with Cap'n Dweeboid, Karen?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Ricky was young and could get it up three times a day? I mean, this was pre-Viagra, yaknow. And the fact is, the older you get, the harder it is, so to speak.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm

This was pre-Viagra, yaknow

Truly barbaric times.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm

And can you imagine the state of this country if insurance didn't pay for it!?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Way back when at the gay day parade, someone told me a joke that sounded kinda like what you just said. The punch line went something like "and lots of fat, happy women."

I don't know why I thought of that.

littlebigdaddy January 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm

So we was an abortionist while he was making Home Improvement?

MMathS January 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Karen Santorum looks like Conan O'Brien in drag in that picture.

horsedreamer_1 January 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Finnish Presidency Libel!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm

She used to be kinda pretty. I guess homeschooling seven sprog and living with Mr. Righteous Hassan Knowitall will do that to ya.

Negropolis January 18, 2012 at 12:20 am

Which is kind of weird because Conan looks like Conan in drag.

BarackMyWorld January 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Let's try to remember that fundamentalists can get out of any hypocrisy by claiming that was "before" and God has forgiven them since then, so there's not really much point in bringing it up except to determine when the exact point in their lives they went insane was.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Ah yes, the 'youthful indiscretions' cop-out. Worked for Dubya!

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:23 pm

"Mr. Bush, 45 does not qualify as 'youthful.'"

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm

People will say that opinions evolve. Sometimes, though, not for the better. I'm looking at it this way: Did Frothy sell Karen a totally different guy or did he turn into a stupid lunatic? It can't be both. I feel sad for her. Part of me wonders if she saw a younger man, thought about having kids and she had no idea what Rick was really like.

Also, because I'm a bitch, "Haha, you didn't marry a virgin, dickface!"

mayor_quimby January 18, 2012 at 5:22 am

I'm still in the window where I can strap a pit bull to my roof in a plastic bag, and still be president. Hoooraaayy!

salt_bagel January 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm

♫ Fetus in a jar/Fetus in a jar ♫

♫ Lookin' like a fool/with your fetus in a jar ♫

DaRooster January 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I love Tom the Tool Man Taylor… good thing he had all of those tools. They come in handy… what… oh… that was Tim?,… never mind.

owhatever January 17, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Sobs. "I slept with him, Rick."
Sobs. "So did I, Karen."
Sobs. Sobs.

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm

There once was a man named Santorum
Who stepped in when girls' suitors bored 'em.
His slick sweater vests
And fetus-jar jests
Were all it would take to dead floor them.

(Who is this woman, stoopie mc stoop?)

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm

"Mr. Santorum, why do you hate the olds and their love of younger women?"

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Jebus, it's "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Sting for presnet.

mavenmaven January 17, 2012 at 9:46 pm

She left the old guy with young ideas for a younger guy with much older ideas.

mrblifil January 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

So…worked with an abortionist…check.
Fucked an abortionist…check.
Lived with an abortionist…check.
Stayed in touch with an abortionist after marrying someone else…check.
Had an abortion of her own a few years later…check.

Hey Rick and Karen? Would you mind kindly fucking off and dying forever, along with the stunted brood you were able to bring forth in a somewhat sentient state? Thx, kiss!

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Remember kids, it's OK to shack up with an abortionist if you're a Republican!

rickmaci January 17, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Republican platform plank number 1: Do as I say and not as I do!!!

Ho Hum.

weejee January 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Rickie was an eighties maniac? Photos of Santorum as a Green Day groupie or GTFO.

ttommyunger January 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

This puts a whole new, sick, twist on the old "Return to the Womb" scenario (dry heaves uncontrollably).

Wadisay January 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm

It would be kind of neat, too, if the only "humanist bone in [Santorum's] body" turned out to belong to his college roommate.

Limeylizzie January 17, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I have never dated anyone my own age, my first bf was 32 and I was 15 , I dallied with some youngsters over the years but always fell for the olds.

JackObin January 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

She has serious hair issues.

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Jebus, it's "Don't Stand So Close To Me." Sting for presnet.

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Fundies prefer it. It's actually kind of a "thing". I have a family full of them, and it never made sense to me, either. But it is a source of pride for the women to be virgins (the men not as much, sexist logic I guess). I know a couple who shared their first kiss at the altar.

Edit – Frothy is evil enough to make her feel bad about it, I betcha. That's sad.

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm

There once was a man named Santorum,
Said, "I'll beat this old coot, I'll outscore him!"
Guess his wife was Lolita
Him, white-bread-Velveeta
I weep, "Conjugal, it's decorum."

–Buckminster the first dog laureate

twoeightnine January 17, 2012 at 10:39 pm

She also used to be somewhat attractive.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/content/newsweek/201

Now she just looks like Santorum's twin.

Radiotherapy January 18, 2012 at 12:34 am

You're talking about the one on the right, right? She has a mighty hirsute beard though.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I'm sorry, I'm having a small brain fit because I think my subject and verb are not in agreement, wut?

Right. Horrifying, eh? Toss the little lump into a bait bucket and hand it off to the bereaved would-ha'been-parents.

ShaveTheWhales January 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

The striking thing to me in this story is that the young Ms Garver apparently thought of herself as a liberal humanist, but once she went frothy she turned into a committed breeder.

Of course, this may resonate with me because my ex (a mere eleven years my junior) turned into a Mormon after we got divorced.

Buckminster January 17, 2012 at 11:14 pm

You have my sympathy.

natoslug January 17, 2012 at 11:21 pm

You're better off without her. Any person who, not having been brainwashed from birth by the church, decides that it is rational to wear those fugly garments 24/7 has to have something seriously wrong with him or her.

ShaveTheWhales January 18, 2012 at 12:55 am

I think she mostly liked the tribal-support vibe. We're talking about San Jose Mormons here. I presume the underoos exist, but I think she pretty much just lets the theology slide by (like many folks do).

MittBorg January 19, 2012 at 11:25 pm

You're still better off without her. Anyone who would give up such suave and witty elegance for the joy of being enslaved to breeder ideology isn't quite right in the haid.

Nostrildamus January 17, 2012 at 11:24 pm

News fresh off the wire (hanger).

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 11:32 pm

…in this case stars the twentysomething sexytimes of one Karen Santorum née Garver before she met hubby Rick Santorum, all the way back when she was just a wily young nursing student who appeared at the door of a dashing but much older doctor in the middle of one night begging to bet let in for, ahem, fear of the dark. And, uh, then the nursing student wanted to stay over.

I think I've seen this movie…

“But I don’t think there’s a humanist bone in that man’s body.”

You're correct, Mr. Allen. It's a horse, or maybe even a…dog.

Chichikovovich January 18, 2012 at 8:59 am

Oooooo….. sharp eye. Santorum denounced "man on dog" sex, all right, but it's very revealing that he never could quite bring himself to denounce dog on man.

Negropolis January 18, 2012 at 12:41 am

What would the Republican Party be without rank hypocrisy? No, seriously, what would be a comparable organization or group of people?

ShaveTheWhales January 18, 2012 at 1:32 am

Well, that's a tough question. I assume it's not directly related to the article, which is about a person who evidently changed her views to match those of the person she decided to bond with. Ignoring gendered pronouns, this is not uncommon, and I'd call it "changing one's mind" rather than "hypocrisy".

But, back to your question. I don't think you can visualize the modern Republican Party without hypocrisy. It's controlled by, and operated for the benefit of, that segment of the wealthy that is either too greedy or too stupid to realize that their success is dependent on the common strength, and continued existence, of the entire nation. But to achieve political success, they must have many more votes than available to their controlling group, so they pander relentlessly to the social biases of anybody they can get to pay attention. The plutocrats and political lifers that head up the party mostly don't believe in the shit they're peddling (it doesn't affect them personally), but you give the crowd what it wants.

So, I guess I'd say that the modern Republican Party is, at its core, a hypocrisy factory.

Trinket January 18, 2012 at 12:42 am

I like this Tom Allen fellow.

fuflans January 18, 2012 at 1:14 am

i got nothing except: gross.

no seriously, gross.

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 8:06 am

You're welcome.

Smithboy January 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

Santorum bumper sticker…"God wants us to protect the fetus and kill muslims!"

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:09 am

I heard "American Horror Story" would have a completely new storyline for the 2nd season, but this is ridiculous.

jus_wonderin January 18, 2012 at 10:05 am

Karen was just taking advantage of an older man's shakey hands.

DahBoner January 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Sure he was an abortionist, but he was a motherfucking rich doctor.

Who no doubt, dumped her ugly ass for someone easier to look at…

bikerlaureate January 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Just learned about her lying ways thanx to Dan Savage

“I think it’s very sad [what] the gay activists have done out there,” she replied. “They vilify him, and it’s so wrong. Rick does not hate anyone. He loves them. What he has simply said is [gay] marriage shouldn’t happen."

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Apparently she decided piano lessons were essential to her "finishing," so he bought her a Steinway They don't seem to have helped her in any way. Actually, her entire "finishing" seems to have been somewhat futile. She's as dumpy a political wife as I've ever seen, Barbara Bush included. Strange woman.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I tried to date a guy 15 years my senior last year, but just couldn't do it. Although he was also a hedge fund manager so my disgust could've been from that, too.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

I knew someone in roughly my field of research who married her thesis supervisor, a man old enough to be her grandfather. (He was more than forty years her senior.) Which would not be necessarily a bad thing if he were "kind, avuncular, charming genius with shaggy Einstein hair and sparkling, laughing eyes" old. But in fact he was "mean, vindictive, controlling, had been mediocre in his prime and now was mediocre and 30 years out of date and realizing that made him nasty" old.

But we knew that she had had a series of catastrophically evil POS boyfriends and we figured – hey – she needed a stable force in her life. She had always seemed to have had self-esteem issues.

He died just a few years later and within the year she had married one of his colleagues. Even older than the first husband. (Though this guy was at least quite nice.)

A year after that she announced to everyone that she was expecting a child with her over-70 husband and they were doing the happy-parents-to-be dance.

At that point, we began to realize that we were in the presence of some weapons-grade weirdness.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Not to give to much info about myself to avoid getting banhammered here, but I'm in the industry, too. Most of us are just cogs who do the analysis/accounting-type work. It's the men (yes, all of them men) who make trading decisions who are the dicks. And yes, they are dicks.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:17 pm

who takes instructions well

Ahhh, yes. The reason I've dated so many soldiers in my short time on the market – they love to follow orders and I'm more than willing to give 'em.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Fifteen years difference seems a little much to me; and that's going both ways. I'd say a decade is about the most I would stretch it.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Judging from your photo (peers myopically at MissTaken's av), you're a sweet, pretty young thing. Don't waste your time on older guys. Most of them will have had at least one shitty relationship which has left them with scars; or else they're just not willing to be creative and thoughtful while rubbing bellybuttons. Pick someone your own age or, better yet, younger. They'll be so grateful to be getting any, they'll do whatever you tell them to. Why, they might even find, and scale, Mount Clitoris!

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Then get t'dickin'!

Dudleydidwrong January 17, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Most of us who has teh oldz imagine ourselves as Hugh Hefner imagines himself. Be grateful that the brain is our biggest sex organ. (Of course that wasn't true once-upon-a-time)

Barb January 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I'm 14 years older than you. I am SO in the club!

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Agreed. He had money so I thought I could get over the fact we had nothing in common. I gave it 3 dates and bailed. Proof I could never do a Callista.

Biff January 17, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I once had a g/f 18 years younger than myself. We're still friends. It was pretty terrible, yet hot at the same time. She's dumb as dirt, also. I don't know why, but I feel that is relevant.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm

"[...] short time on the market [...]" — engaged? Married? You're off the market, hon? Give. Wut happind?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I had no idea one risked the banhammer from TMI.

snackypants January 17, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I'm an accountant and I still don't understand how the fuck a hedge fund works.

anniegetyerfun January 18, 2012 at 12:04 am

I didn't know that you could get banned over your career here. Don't tell anyone that I'm blogger, mmmmkay?

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Jeez, I'm feeling ANCIENT! You're ALL a buncha spring chickens!

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

I like women my own age. (Not that I would kick any nursing students out of my bed, if Mrs. Kincaid wouldn't kill me.)

Blueb4sunrise January 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Hang in there, have to have some warm soup and a nap first.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 8:35 pm

What, you don't want her Tiffany's whore diamonds? It sounds like you have something she lacks, what's that again – oh yeah, self-respect and integrity.

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:36 pm

No no no. I meant my short time on the market so far.

You have to remember I'm very young – I only graduated college in May, and lost my virginity only 2 years before that. In that short time my two longest-running relationships were both with soldiers, in addition to a few air and seamen (heh) I've dabbled with before and after.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 8:39 pm

And diamonds.

rocktonsam January 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm

mmmmmmm warm soup and A nap

anniegetyerfun January 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

We both love soup, and snow peas. And talking and not talking. We could sit and talk or not talk for hours.

chascates January 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm

That sounds like a male Hollywood star!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Boy, you math PhDs are smart as fuck where math is concerned and dumber than shit were social stuff is concerned.

Don't look at me, dood, I'm seriously socially fre+arded myself, and I know it.

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm

At that point, we began to realize that we were in the presence of some weapons-grade weirdness.

I was glad that that is the conclusion you came to. I thought it may have been going the direction of lecturing folks about not judging strangness. lol

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Don't worry , Z. I haz teh oldz too.

Barb January 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I just got rejected over the "decade rule" LOL Soros TOTALLY dissed me!

Fare la Volpe January 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm

And an onion on the belt, which was the style of the time.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm

You're right. With younger women, you're much more likely to rub it out.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Hey, I'd never diss you; besides you're too already married for me!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I shall have to take up arms in your defense, my love. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is SorosBot, bearing excuses.

Barb January 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm

No, it's okay. I'm going to go lay down before a break a hip or something.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:05 pm

*Virtual* flirtation operates by different rules, SorosBot. I couldn't have gaymarried Biff AND everyone else who showed up at our on-teh-Netz combination wedding and birthdays otherwise, you know.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Thanks, darlz. Let's you and me hobble over to the *warm* end of the room, where they keep the large print magazines and ear trumpets. Sheesh!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:05 pm

You're about four decades from that yet, darlin'. Keep getting Jeffer to chase you around the furniture regularly, and you could ward it off for a fifth decade, even.

Barb January 17, 2012 at 9:06 pm

We should have a super cool party and not invite him. We could talk about things that interest Americans and discuss our futures. Wait, that's Buddy Roemer being left out.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Oh, no. Callista HAS the diamonds, dear. MissTaken has the self-respect and integrity. That's the way the world works. Those who have the latter seldom acquire the former.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I always forget that you're the baby here, what with the rest of us being ancient relics and all. (Pats the dewy cheek)

Speaking of seamen, did you ever see Handsome Harry?

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm

And age rules don't work for virtual flirting, either; so see, it's all good!

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Yeah, I shouldn't work and post at the same time. Mixed up the punchline completely.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Well, that's true enough, except that I can be pretty stupid when it comes to math too.

But I'm not sure what in this story prompts that reaction. Perhaps the suggestion that it wasn't until the baby was announced that we realized we were in the presence of weirdness? That was for purposes of pacing the exposition. I assure you that we were well aware of the red-alert all-hands-on-deck weirdness levels long before that.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Ah, ok. I would've thought the marriage to someone more than 40 years older who also sounds like a primo asshole was a huge major neon red glowing warning sign. Even though I'm as thick as two short bricks, normally, in the presence of social cues.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

1. You're welcome.
2. How do you make a dead baby float? What's red and sits in the corner?
3. You're the Black Widow of Republican doofuses.

Biff January 17, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I recall Pristine O'Dummy, also.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:34 pm

You're channeling the Republican Party, Barb. Break! Break!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

2. I dunno, how DO you make a dead baby float? (Pump it full of air?)
2a. I dunno, what's red and sits in the corner? (A dead baby in a blender?)
3. As a science geek, I don't really believe in magical thinking, but it's been a delight to me to watch it all unfold. Correlation is not causation, but I like to think that I'm doing my bit to eradicate the current mutation of the Republican Party.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Also, too.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 9:44 pm

2. A large glass of root beer and two scoops of dead baby.
2a. A baby eating razor blades.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Arrr!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Proves that you're a slut who'll hump anything that moves. (Sniff!) We haven't been gay-married a week and already you've been unfaithful to me! WAAAH!

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I had one a them years back. Not really a girlfriend, per se. Since she was married and all. Dumb as a box of rocks, but would do anything. ANYTHING.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Dear god that is truly horrible yet wonderful.

What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Why use a pitchfork to unload a truck full of dead babies? In case any of them are still alive.

Schmannnity January 17, 2012 at 10:05 pm

What's more disgusting than a truckload of dead babies? A truckload with a live one on the bottom trying to gnaw his way out.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Hey, long as we get to, you know, edit the resulting video clips for artistic content and what-all. I mean, y'all got quite a little fire going here already.

Oh, I did NOT just say that. OK, smack me. I'm'a head back to my corner now and chew on a slipper.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Crazy enough today I got an email from Sir Richard Branson that Virgin is starting Philly to SFO flights. Hmm…

chicken_thief January 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Apparently neither does AIG and they insured all the risk.

Boojum_Reborn January 17, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Why are dead babies easier to load than live babies? The live ones wiggle off the pitchfork.

Boojum_Reborn January 17, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

Boojum_Reborn January 17, 2012 at 10:56 pm

What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a wall? Ripping them down.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm

I just looked into it, and while the flights are expensive they're not that expensive. Anyway, I wish IntenseDebate had a private messaging function; since it looks like Spanky has finally stopped stalking us, let me know and I'll give you my email address.

Jukesgrrl January 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Hence the pervading fascination among the male Wonkeratti with One L and Lou Sarah.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Spanky sucked. Go ahead and send it. But of course you know Barb and LimeyLizzie are going to be messaging the shit out of you!

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Barb already has my email address, and does! (Not really; we love ya, Barb). But it's reverend_proctor at yahoo.com.

Biff January 17, 2012 at 11:09 pm

25 years ago, m'dear. She's in Highland Park NJ, I'm in Bumfuck NV.

MissTaken January 17, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Alrighty!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Oh, like the timing matters!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 5:03 am

But they'd have the copyright, and nobody would be able to download it. (Reason enough, right there, to fight SOPA.)

Anyhow, you know how it is with online romance: Soros is just enamored of MT's adorable avatar (and she's impressed by his massive p-ness.)

Chet Kincaid January 18, 2012 at 9:17 am

Don't worry, that's not a "career".

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

It's got Ron Paul's eyebrows! How does that happen?

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

MT has the most adorable of avatars. And as for Soros, Shakespear said it best:

"Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world. Like a Colossus, and we petty men. Walk under his huge legs and peep about."

MASSIVE p-ness.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:17 pm

If there is a Mrs. Kincaid, and I do believe there is, rest assured that if you don't kick nursing students out of bed with great force, she *will* kill you.

Don't ask me how I know this, just take my word for it.

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Cams ready?

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Isn't it terrific to be present at the very first notes of Young Love? Oh, all right, young FranticallyFuckingLust, then.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 18, 2012 at 6:26 pm
MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Wut?

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Thinking, apparently.

Biff January 18, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Wut?

MittBorg January 18, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I axed first.

anniegetyerfun January 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Too shay.

Biff January 19, 2012 at 6:34 pm

But I can find no cromulence in your question?

starfanglednut January 19, 2012 at 7:53 pm

What's that, young 'un? I've gone and misplaced my hearing aid again.

MittBorg January 19, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Young'un, eh? I'll show you young'un, missy (chases starfangled around the furniture v-e-r-y-s-l-o-w-l-y).

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