FLOTUS FILES  10:09 am January 17, 2012

FLOTUS Celebrates Birthday, is Crowned Queen of Nickelodeon

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Hooray, today is our dear FLOTUS’ birthday! Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored yogurts and a few jumping jacks. FLOTUS foes are of course marking the occasion by continuing their Occupy Denny’s protest, which is probably the longest-running and most effective (hello, obesity!) movement of this century. Last year, our Michelle turned 47 on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, ringing in her next year of life with a church serviceyawn. Maybe that was fine last year, but our FLOTUS is ten times the celebrity she was in 2011. She was recently featured in a scandalous book about how awful it is to live in the White House, and just yesterday, she starred in a popular children’s television program. And apparently, she “nailed it.” So on her birthday, we must ask, where is Michelle’s Golden Globe?

Our FLOTUS exercised her new Twitter account last week to express her excitement for the big teevee debut. Her appearance on iCarly was part of her initiative to support military families. But some people, upon closer inspection of the program, have decided that perhaps the appearance was actually a sneaky way for Michelle Obama to promote Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama showed off her acting skills in a cameo on one of her daughters’ favorite shows on Monday: Nickelodeon’s “iCarly.”

Obama danced with the cast and played along as a game show contestant in the episode. And though she was playing herself, the role still required some acting chops, the “iCarly” stars said.
“She nailed it,” actor Jerry Trainor said during a screening of the episode in Alexandria, Va., on Friday.

But with the spotlight, comes extra scrutiny.

Critics have pounced on the first lady for the way she’s acted on-screen more than once. When Obama joked that she liked being called “your excellency” on “iCarly,” the line turned into a taunting headline on the Drudge Report. And some noted that Obama didn’t do enough heavy lifting on “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.”

Obviously most of the country would love to watch a two-hour special of our FLOTUS lifting two-by-fours and doing various things with drywall or whatever, but she has a campaign to run, people. Happy birthday, FLOTUS! Our pedometers beat for you. [Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 112 comments }

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

Happy Birthday, angry black woman!

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

It's almost MY birthday, too! Well, on Thursday, so close enough. Happy Birthday to Mrs. Obammy and to me too also!

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

Happy birthday!
It's going to be Soro's birthday soon.

Mumbletypeg January 17, 2012 at 10:45 am

Oh you lucky duck. You share a birthday with that raven-muse'd, tormented poet whose birthday-obsessed fan stalked his grave with roses & cognac for sixty years!

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

I also have the same birthday as Dolly Parton, Janis Joplin, and Robert E. Lee! And lots of other unfamous people too I guess.

Mumbletypeg January 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

Yes, make mine a key-lime cheesecake "flavor," and hold the yogurt. Just the cheesecake, correct, thanks.

Beowoof January 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

We want to know whether Barack nailed it on Air Force One. And happy birthday.

MrFizzy January 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

You never saw Laura Bush doing things like this because she was embalmed in 1987.

jus_wonderin January 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

I bet GWB gets balmed every night nowadays.

MrFizzy January 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

thanks for that excellent image – I can just see Laura's cross-eyed approach to W's pretzel.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

On the other hand, Michelle didn't kill a young man when she was a teenager. (That we know of.)

DahBoner January 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

And I bet Obama never murdered her boyfriend, like Laura Bush did, either…

neiltheblaze January 17, 2012 at 10:19 am

Happy Birthday to my favorite pretend girlfriend!

weejee January 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

Last year, our Michelle turned 47 on Martin Luther King,

So that means this year she turns 39. I lurv the maths.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

I don't know if you'd want to be Queen of Nickelodeon; I hear they 'crown' you with green slime.

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

Gakkake?

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 11:40 am

Are you sure that isn't the Tentacle Porn Channel?

freakishlywrong January 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

Rush says it's uppity to celebrate birthdays. Tell Rush to go fuck himself with the candle on this virtual cake I made. Happy Birthday!

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

Hey Rush! It's also uppity to get married and have Elton John sing for you. I love how Rush and his wife wrote their own wedding vows and then their own prescriptions for the occasion.

freakishlywrong January 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

I'd need something stronger than anything that could be prescribed to marry that fat pantload.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

Remember that he's a fat rich pantload; I think you can guess which part of that makes him tolerable to some women, so that they're even willing to fuck his bloated, sweaty, droopy, disgusting body.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

There's not enough money in the world for me to even think about it. The man is ugly inside and out.

jus_wonderin January 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

I'd take turns using his mouth though………….for money.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

But see, Rush is white, therefore it's OK for him to be arrogant.

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

"Tell Rush to go fuck himself with the candle on this virtual cake I made."

While it's lit! And with all of 'em, Katie!

Goonemeritus January 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

I had my first shot of wheat grass juice this weekend now I know what has been making her so angry.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

OK, you're just jackin' with us, right? That isn't a real liquid meant for consumption. This is just the health food version of when some l'il scamps spread the rumor that krazy kids nowadays were smoking human excrement and getting high, and small-town sheriffs across the country announced to any mike within arms reach that that, yes, they knew all about it, and it was a terrible hazard sweeping the nation.

Heheh. Wheat grass juice. Good one…
.
.
.
It is a joke, right?

.
.
Right?

GhostBuggy January 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

She's so dishonest, just like all these liberals. Her whole act is just a scam to promote military families and get kids to make healthier choices! I'm on to her!

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

Did everyone get an extra $20.00 in their food stamps this month so that we could all buy cake and celebrate along with them?

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

Unlike Laura B, who was committed to Un-American European elitist stuff like getting kids to learn to read.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Isn't it interesting that Laura Bush was never called a tyrant or a bully or arrogant for suggesting that American children's reading might be improved?

But trying to stop kids from dying of Type II Diabetes makes Michelle History's Greatest Monster™.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

And conversely, imagine if Michelle had run a stop sign and killed an ex-boyfriend at 17. Instead of picking up occasional mentions in snark boards like this one, the collision would be a constant staple of Rush and Hannity conversation, and the fact that Michelle hadn't been prosecuted would be regarded as exhibit A in the “Corrupt Chicago Thug Politics” fantasy museum.—

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Laura's fatal driving mishap never even came out until halfway through Bush's 2nd term. We've been hearing about Michelle's 'Whitey' tape for four years, and it is nonexistent.

And turning our attention to wannabe FLOTUS Cindy McCain, she admitted, on television, that she had been a drug addict, that she had stolen drugs from her own charity, and that she had forced a physician in her employ to make out false prescriptions in the name of other employees, which she then appropriated. The doctor lost his license. Cindy was never even booked. Being a white, multimillionaire, Senator's wife has its perks.

And, of course, if Michelle Obama publicly admitted to being a drug addict, thief, and accessory to forgery, she would srely have been handled with the kid gloves Cindy got. Oh, wait – when rich white people are drug-addicted criminals, they're 'just going through a rough patch.' When black people do exactly the same thing, they are TERRIFYING CRIMINALS WHO MUST BE IMPRISONED AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!

One other little known fact: Cindy's father, Jim Helmsley, a liquor distributor, served prison time for racketeering. If Michelle's Chicago dad had done time for racketeering… Well, I'm sure our 'liberal media' would have given her a pass on that, too.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Oh, and Michelle would have been prosecuted for vehicular homicide.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I sent my strapping young buck out in the Caddy to pick us up a couple of T-bones. Also, he's going to get a couple of round trip tickets to Hawaii. With food stamps. Because Newt assures us that is a thing that can happen.

Joshua Norton January 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

HB Shelly. Black don't crack!

Baconzgood January 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

So does iCarly have a mom or dad? Or is that doofus in charge of her well being. If so some one needs to call CYS and have her put in non-Bachmann foster care.

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

The dad is in the Navy & the mom is dead…thus the plot line to help military families. So, yes, the 'doofus' big brother is in charge. I know this because I love terrible tween shows. (Actually, I have a 9-year-old daughter.)

Baconzgood January 17, 2012 at 10:39 am

SUUUUUUUURRRRRRE. *coughs* pedobear.

BerkeleyBear January 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

They switched dad to the Air Force (I thought he was on a submarine the first year, but now he's a colonel in the AF). I hate the fact that I know that, or that of all the crap my kids watch when I give them a choice iCarly somehow comes off as the least ridiculous.

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

Go for Spongebob or Phineas and Ferb, man. More realistic and better jokes.

[Though I'll admit that daughter and I still get laughs years later mentioning stuff from the iCarly "Beavcoon" episode.

ManchuCandidate January 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

Just hope MO doesn't say "I don't know" or mention anything about "water" or "wet."

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

"Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored yogurts…"

"Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored vodkas."

Fixed

(Sorry, I don't know strike-through HTML.)

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

I for one would love to see Michelle Obama do lots of heavy lifting, get all sweaty and show off those guns to the American people.

I'll be in my bunk.

Goonemeritus January 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

“Our pedometers beat for you”

During the winter months my Pedometer and self winding watch classify me as deceased.

Joshua Norton January 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

the line turned into a taunting headline on the Drudge Report.

But of course. Drudge is the only Queen allowed in the room, as far as he's concerned.

freakishlywrong January 17, 2012 at 10:28 am

Oh, and She is History's Greatest Monster.

vulpes82 January 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

Dammit, I was going to say that!

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

You know which OTHER First Lady lifted two-by-fours?

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

Callista Gingrich? No, that's not right. She lifted old wrinkly balls in the back of a car. My bad!

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

Plus Barb she's not actually a FLOTUS and never will be. [shuddering at the thought]

Barb January 17, 2012 at 10:53 am

And what thought would you be "shuddering at?"

jus_wonderin January 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

All of them, Katie?

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

The thought of the Gingrich mannequin as FLOTUS.

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

Eleanor Roosevelt?

PsycWench January 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

Laura Bush is used to dealing with someone with the IQ of a board. Does that count?

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

I'm thinking she and old Babs may have used 2x4s to try to knock some sense into Dubya. Didn't work, but I bet it was fun.

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

How else was Mary Todd Lincoln going to beat some sense into Abe?

Callyson January 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Hillary Clinton, when the Monica Lewinsky scandal hit?

prommie January 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

Today, we are all angry black women.

LesBontemps January 17, 2012 at 10:49 am

Some angrier and/or blacker than others, though.

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

Wait. That's not just your proifile picture?

ThundercatHo January 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

Hey, I know how to do that thing with my neck. I have to warm-up first, tho.

x111e7thst January 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

Drudge is just cranky 'cause he never gets to be the angry black woman.

HempDogbane January 17, 2012 at 10:34 am

Callista will NOT be lifting 2x4s.

Ruhe January 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

Two four-carat diamond earrings. She lifts them up and down using her earlobes as often as is necessary…if you know what I mean…and I think you do.

vulpes82 January 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

2X4 inch emerald cut diamond Tiffany rings, maybe.

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Callista IS a two by four.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Callista will NOT be FLOTUS. Ever. Not even on Bizarro World.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 10:36 am

Happy birthday, you classy and beautiful lady.

Mumbletypeg January 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

Maybe someone who has seen the iCarly episode can explain to me how it "helps military families"? Much of what passes for support of a "pet cause" could be described as gestures, or "demonstrating" one's support like wearing a ribbon-pin, but what is actually being done on behalf of these veterans and the untreated afflictions (emotional trauma, physical injury, psychological scarring) that their families struggle to help them through?

For instance, ex-Mumbletycompanion once helped w/ a volunteer program here that offered children w/ a parent serving overseas a free afterschool studio-art class 1x/wk. While the instructor appeared committed and skilled in providing "therapy as artistic expression" for a half-dozen kids ranging in ages from 7-12, one felt the program *could* be much more if not for a nagging undercurrent of blasé (such as the host school's lukewarm reception to opening their art classroom; or lack of coordinated effort btw. volunteer recruitment and outreach to the military families themselves).

I guess I'm cynical about teevee entertainment value serving our military population's best interests because the real-life nature of getting involved w/ a cause often results in just about as much disillusionment as a talking head parroting the soundbites of a cause; & at the heart of it all are families who are suffering and institutions [see: Walter Reed] meant to help them but run by inepti-twats.

BerkeleyBear January 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

I don't know what they do behind the scenes, but the premise of the show is that the central character's dad is in the military (mom's dead), so they've occasionally focused on how it makes her feel. Of course dad is a full bird colonel in the Air Force who never seems to be in that much danger, and the family is wealthy enough to have a kick ass apartment in Seattle and never really have to worry about any of the shit that makes being in a military family so much fun – like moving all over at the drop of a hat, or dealing with mom or dad's moods, or trying to make it from payday to payday without going to one of the 3 dozen predatory payday lenders located conveniently off base.

I do know the stars made a promo with military families to help raise awareness, and that the FLOTUS and Dr. Jill Biden have made this a top issue (along with improving veteran care and transition assistance) but I don't know what all else the show's cast or producers have done.

Mumbletypeg January 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Do tell! I had no idea this show had any military reference in theme or setting.
I'd expect this to be a difficult subject to work into any TV format, much less a comedy, & even less so for one targeting an underage audience.
Apart from the usual M*A*S*H and China Beach oldz' the only other show I recall even attempting to tackle the actual family side of it was Call to Glory during the late 80s — nonetheless maybe I should temper my chagrin if any military-affiliated's children feel some acknowledgement in the production of a show like iCarly.

TanzbodenKoenig January 17, 2012 at 10:44 am

Michelle Obama > Tebow

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 10:54 am

Bet she completed all of her passes.

If you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

TanzbodenKoenig January 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

Shit, if it wasn't for the Predator drones I'd run her post route

John Birf Society January 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

Newt: It must cost a shitload of food stamps to buy a cameo on iCarly.

Calista: I have a wallet.

[Scene]

SoBeach January 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

I like the First Lady. That she turns the wingnuts into gibbering, foot-stomping crybabies makes me like her even more.

Hope she has a great birthday.

PsycWench January 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

If Michelle Obama donated a kidney to a dying child, some wingnut would bitch that she should have donated both of them.

starfanglednut January 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

A black kidney? It'll kill the poor kid. Just another example of the black, liberal feminist agenda to destroy America.

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

"I bet she really thinks she's something, handing out her kidneys like that. Apparently she has no self esteem. If she really wanted to do something altruistic, she could have purchased a kidney and given it away. But NOooOOOoo, Michelle Obama has to alert the media and have one extracted from her body. I find the whole thing repulsive."

Steverino247 January 17, 2012 at 12:20 pm

And if her husband shot himself, they would bitch about the caliber bullet he used.

johnnyzhivago January 17, 2012 at 11:27 am

If FLOTUS doesn't watch it, she and Barry are going to be in the first fall episode of Househunters.

Mojopo January 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

I wonder what Oprah bought for the First Lady! The phone call with well wishes would be kind of hilarious. "Happy birthday, MICHELLE OH-BAH-MAAAAH!"

vulpes82 January 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Happy Birthday to that uppity negress!

johnnyzhivago January 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

Michelle should do a cameo on Pawn Stars – walk into the store with a couple of Secret Service agents and try to sell the painting of Ronald Reagan hanging in the East Room.

actor212 January 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

Rick: "So how'd you come across this?"

MO: "I was redecorating a really old house and we found it hanging in a room no one uses anymore."

johnnyzhivago January 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

BTW who's the creepy lady in the radiation suit and what the hell is she doing reaching behind the comments I just wrote????

BZ1 January 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Snark turned off: remember ANY time that other FLOTUS received this much harsh scrutiny, not even when Nancy was deciding policy with a horoscope, Betty with a bottle of gin …

proudgrampa January 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

You don't suppose it would have anything to do with the color of her skin, do you?

MzNicky January 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

Racist!!

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Never. Not even close.

However, I remember when Nancy Reagan had a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy, certain so-called feminists and liberals attacked her choice. According to the critics, she should have had a lumpectomy to set a good example for American women.

I thought the attacks were despicable and sickening. Nobody has a mastectomy lightly. She made the the choice that she thought was best for her life, and it became a very nasty 'blame the victim' scenario. Gee, maybe she thought her life was more important than her funbags. What a bitch, amirite?

But I have never seen the kind of nonstop virulent filth that has been flung at Michelle. And, yes, it is absolutely fueled by racism. With plenty of misogyny mixed in.

Mahousu January 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

While Michelle may be the Queen of Nickelodeon, Callista Gingrich is the Queen of Cartoon Network – the Ice Queen, to be precise.

MinAgain January 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

I hope she takes it easy on the birthday candles and the funny birthday hats. Otherwise, we'll start hearing rumors of voodoo rituals in the White House.

ttommyunger January 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

The only thing I like better than having a black hottie as First Lady is seeing how much it chaps the ample wrinkled asses of the likes of Limpbow, InSanitty and the Loofahnator.

thefrontpage January 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

Here's the final exclusive exerpt from the new, behind-the-scenes look at Joe and Jill Biden during Joe Biden's time in office as the vice president, the new non-fiction book, "The Bidens," by Bob Woodstein, due to be released today, Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2012, by Political Press, Washington, D.C., 496 pages, foreward by Rahm Emanuel, $29.95, hardcover:

Joe and Jill were preparing the Vice President's Den at the Vice President's House for their monthly Trivial Pursuit Night with the Obamas, the Emanuels, the Gibbs, the Panettas, and the Sotameyers.

"Honey," Jill said as she made her special chopped liver appetizer. "Do you think Michelle Obama is attractive?'

DahBoner January 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

What am I?

A chopped liver appetizer?

thefrontpage January 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

Joe just laughed. A smart man and a veteran politican, Joe wisely knew not to wade into such moronic minefields. As he watered down the whiskey in the bar and poured Boone's Farm Wine into the empty, more expensive bottles, he just looked over at Jill, who was still somewhat attractive to him after all these years.

"Honeysuckle honeybunch," he said in his best campaign-donation-solicitation voice, "You know she is an attractive woman, but of course she's nowhere near as attractive, beautiful, hot and cute as you are!"

Jill smiled. That Joe! He really had a way with words, he did! "But Joey," she said, "Would you sleep with her?"

"Haha," Joe immediately responded, "That's funny! You know that you're the only one for me!'

Jill and Joe finished their preparations, went upstairs and made wild love for an hour, and then came back downstairs to greet their guests. Everyone agreed it was one of the best Trivial Pursuit Nights at the Vice President's House in quite a while.

prommie January 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

But, its true, Jill Biden is hot.

MozakiBlocks January 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

For her birthday present, FLOTUS should be able to walk into the WH Press Room, look directly into the TV cameras and tell the wingnuts in this country to "Kiss her magnificent black ass!"

Or maybe she should just do that every day 'bout 3:00pm Eastern.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Would be the highest-rated show in TV history, even if she didn't moon the camera.

SorosBot January 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Drunk driving; she killed her high school boyfriend who was a passenger.

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"On a November night in 1963, Mrs. Bush and a girlfriend were hurrying to a drive-in theater when Mrs. Bush, at the wheel of her father’s Chevy Impala, ran a stop sign on a small road and smashed into a car being driven by Mike Douglas, a star athlete and popular student at her school."
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/28/books/28laura.h

I'm sure if the same thing happen to Michelle as a teenager, Repugs would totally give her the benefit og the doubt, and take the high road. Amirite?!?

DahBoner January 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

As anyone who's ever been murdered by a young Republican Texan can attest, they can be quite quick tongued with the arresting police officer to get off Scot free…

RavenRant January 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Benefit OG the doubt???

Sheesh. I hate it when I can't edit my typos.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

If Michelle invented a cure for cancer, GOPtard fuckers would bitch that she was showing off.

owhatever January 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Just another Welfare Queen with two children and no job. Newt would have them all retrained for useful work in and around South Carolina homes.

I hated snarking that. Happy B, Mrs. O.

hallmark1 January 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Nothing says megalomaniac quite like using the birthday of your wife Michelle to solicit campaign contributions for yourself.

Read the story at The Political Commentator here: http://bit.ly/A1VzpU

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored <yogurts> vodkas…"

Hmmm….

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

"Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored yogurts vodkas…"

Yay, I figured it out! Thanks, does this make me a SW programmer now?

Steverino247 January 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Are you fucking kidding me? Sure!

Chichikovovich January 17, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Very true. I didn't think the example through to the end. …. Oops!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: