NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!  1:57 pm January 16, 2012

TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers

by Wonkette Jr.

How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

After years of rebuffing health concerns over airport scanners, the Transportation Security Administration plans to conduct new tests on the potential radiation exposure from the machines at more than 100 airports nationwide.

But the TSA does not plan to retest the machines or passengers. Instead, the agency plans to test its airport security officers to see if they are being exposed to dangerous levels of radiation while working with the scanners.

So did the TSA actually admit this? Of course not. Watchdogs noticed that the agency had solicited government contractors for a massive supply of portable dosimeters that employees would wear to measure how much ionizing radiation they were being bombarded by, every work day, while operating or just standing near those deadly backskatter porno-scanners. [Los Angeles Times via Cryptogon]

 
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{ 100 comments }

nounverb911 January 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

When they glow in the dark, they've had too much.

MittsHairHelmet January 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

What's more important: military-industrial complex profits or minimum wage workers developing cancer?

WhatTheHolyHeck January 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Now you don't have to choose! You can have all of that and more — multi-million-dollar fees for the former DHS chief to pimp the product as a guest expert on news programs, baseless arrests for harmless passive protests like t-shirts, and even continued abuse of both TSA staff and passengers via unnecessarily and ineffectively invasive body searches!

You can have all these civil rights abuses for the low, low price of Congress!

Order now.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Ron Paul = Ron Popeil?

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Michale Chertofff deserves and ineffective body search, a baseless arrest, and then continued abuse. In any order.

Blueb4sunrise January 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Dosimeter was the Greek god of cancer.

ThundercatHo January 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I thought he was the Greek god of square dancing.

GOPCrusher January 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

That is so awesome.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm

No, that's Dosidosimeter.

starfanglednut January 16, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Win, Z. Can I still call you Z?

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Sure thing, nut.

emmelemm January 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Gotta agree: that was a damn good one.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I prefer my porn without the added radioactive tingliness.

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

This will be a problem if you prefer Japanese porn,,,

SorosBot January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

But it'll all be worth it if a spider irradiated by the scanners bites a nerdy teenager, giving him the ability to do whatever a spider can.

Boojum_Reborn January 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Or bites a pig.

hagajim January 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

TSA agent – "I have a giant lump in my ballsack that wasn't there six months ago."

TSA management – "That's prolly just the lump of coal you got for a Christmas bonus."

edgydrifter January 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

When you see the TSA agents wearing lead smocks and ducking behind a blast shield as you enter the scanner, it's time to opt for the pat-down.

Maman January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

No wonder the TSA is so nasty

ifthethunderdontgetya January 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

the Transportation Security Administration

I think we should rename this agency to better reflect its actual function.
~

fartknocker January 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I've called them "Thousands Standing Around." Also, for the traveling public information, the TSA agents at the Lubbock, TX airport are some of the friendliest people I've ever met.

ThundercatHo January 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Detroit Metro also, too, even on Thanksgiving.

MosesInvests January 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Austin, Texas as well.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Funny, innit? All the ones I've met have been sweet and charming, often the only nice people I meet on a flight at all.

Biff January 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I haven't been on a plane since the 80's. Guess I just don't need to get anywhere in that big of a hurry.

MissTaken January 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Testicle Squeezing Agency?

GOPCrusher January 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm

So that's what they mean when they say "bag fee"?

HelmutNewton January 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Terribly Suckered Again?

smokefillednewyear January 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm

T&A? Those Stupid Assholes?

HistoriCat January 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Michael Chertoff won't earn the big bonuses if the TSA stops buying those scanners. Do we really want that on our collective consciences?

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'd prefer him on a collective farm in the Ukraine in the early1930s.

not that Dewey January 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Actually, this does rather look like Michael Chertoff.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Actually, I *really* want Michael Chertoff on a board. With a towel over his face and water streaming onto the towel.

HistoriCat January 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Well as long as you're not advocating torture …

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I'm merely suggesting we enhance their interrogation …

Thurman Munster IV January 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Add cancer to the long list of things that come with defending freedumz

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Not cancer, freedom tumours.

tcaalaw January 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Still too negative. How about "freedom nuggets"?

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

No matter what you call it/them, it's result of freedom frying.

starfanglednut January 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Doesn't McDonalds serve those?

Callyson January 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

the TSA does not plan to retest the machines or passengers…TSA spokesman Nico Melendez said "We continuously test our technology to ensure it is safe for both passengers and our officers…"
George Orwell, Christopher Hitchens, and HL Mencken are ROTFL up in Heaven over this one…

slowhansolo January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Cancer wouldn't be so bad if you stood an equal chance of developing a helpful mutation, like Blinky the Three-Eyed Fish.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I think the downside would be comfortably fitting eyewear.

emmelemm January 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Three boobies, here I come…

MinAgain January 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

What tipped them off? The extra arm that TSA workers used during strip searches?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Mutant TSA agents. Truly a frightening thought.

PubOption January 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Do they become ninjas?

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

How can one tell?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Hairy knuckles.
Giant index finger.
Super human ability to smell hemorrhoid crème tubes larger than 2oz.
Sub human sense of humor.

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Well then, they've been mutants for awhile now.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

This could all be avoided if the ban against Translucent Human Skin research was lifted.

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

This is bad news for my zucchini wrapped in tin foil.

FlownOver January 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Is this a Spinal Tap ref?

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Yes!

GOPCrusher January 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Isn't every thing?

starfanglednut January 16, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Yes!

Biff January 16, 2012 at 9:28 pm

11.

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I went through one on Saturday afternoon.

I made the mistake of carrying freezedried food in my hand. Suddenly I had melted vanilla ice cream all over my arms.

Quite embarassing.

FlownOver January 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Oops.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm

"The goggles do nothing."

Goonemeritus January 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I think they should also consider offering broad spectrum Cooties tests it can’t be healthy constantly having to grope the junk of strangers.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Do you guys know if there's a credible melting man?

–Mike Nelson

GOPCrusher January 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm

HA-HA

-Nelson Muntz

Biel_ze_Bubba January 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Someone ought to start an airline where there are no lines, no scanners, no TSA goons, and no ionizing radiation… but everyone has to fly naked.

It just might catch on.

CommieLibunatic January 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I wouldn't be surprised if the logical conclusion of all this… security… was all our current TSA joy, plus the restrained and naked flights. Like some sort of lame S&M thing gone wrong.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Careful there, that could lead to this.

ttommyunger January 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Snark away, but remember, they have to go to that shitty job every day and you don't. Jeez, groping fat ugly cranky people eight hours a day AND risk Radiation Poinsoning to boot? Hold me back.

emmelemm January 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm

All for minimum wage…

(Yeah, seriously, some of them may be assholes, but at least I don't have their job.)

ttommyunger January 16, 2012 at 10:42 pm

A-Fucking-Men!

banana_bread January 17, 2012 at 12:26 am

A friend of mine is a TSA agent. She enjoys the job approximately as much as you'd expect.

ttommyunger January 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

I can only imagine.

ThundercatHo January 16, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Why do you think they don't let iguanas be TSA agents, huh?

sati_demise January 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I always wonder how much that custom made TSA rug costs at every checkpoint.
Was it really necessary? Or just put there to bother me about government spending.

I get the grope every single time.
No, I will never be a Guinea Pig for Michael Chertoffs Goldman Sachs account.

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I guess they got those in just before Obummer's ban on government schwag, huh?

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

No, I'm not really down with this TSA bullshit. However, a Tranny Sexytime Agency is something I believe we could all get behind!

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

It seems to me you'd have to get behind it.

MissTaken January 16, 2012 at 4:27 pm

The TSA don't want to play with you. The TSA wants just to lay with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtJmVDoY904

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Or at least take you home to their place, watching every move on your face.

Mumbletypeg January 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

"…Got to concentrate/ Don't be distractive…" ♫

paris biltong January 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

What we wanted was minimum wage, radiation is the gravy.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Sure, maybe we get cancer, but hey, free radiation therapy, too.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

DHS and TSA are two government agencies that really *ought* to be eliminated. Not that you'll ever hear Repiglicunts say so. No, they'd rather get rid of Education.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I think it's pretty obvious they already got rid of Education in their own world.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Their leechcraft would have us crawling on all fours like a beast!

Srsly. In a 21st-century world, they want to privatize education and make it wealth-dependent. At a time when we've already bled away the vast manufacturing base of jobs that would employ those with anything less than a tertiary education.

Biff January 16, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Yes, this is exactly what they want to do. Problem?

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Listen, just because we're gay married doesn't mean you can take that tone with me, young man.

PrimlyStable January 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

At least they're not testing iced tea on animals.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Or mother-fucking iced tea.

smokefillednewyear January 16, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Ray-dee-ation. You hear the most outrageous lies about it.

DerrickWildcat January 16, 2012 at 7:04 pm

A small price to pay for Freedom….because it isn't free.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

♫ "You gotta pay the price, you gotta sacrifice, for your liberty." ♫
– Up(chuck) With People

mavenmaven January 16, 2012 at 9:29 pm

The more TSA workers die of cancer, the more jobs open up on a regular basis. Perfect plan.

banana_bread January 17, 2012 at 12:27 am

Back scatter machines are the REAL job-creators!

BZ1 January 16, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Any chance in testing them for common sense?

EloquentScience January 17, 2012 at 12:45 am

Radiation is people, my friend.

DaRooster January 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Why do today what you can put off for 10 years? Especially where the safety of people is concerned.

*cha-ching*

starfanglednut January 16, 2012 at 7:42 pm

k ;)

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I'd reply in kind, but fear I would be beaten most severely. Consider yourself winked at.

Biff January 16, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Yes, dear…

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 11:47 pm

This is actually getting to be fun, in a twisted kinda way.

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