How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

After years of rebuffing health concerns over airport scanners, the Transportation Security Administration plans to conduct new tests on the potential radiation exposure from the machines at more than 100 airports nationwide.

But the TSA does not plan to retest the machines or passengers. Instead, the agency plans to test its airport security officers to see if they are being exposed to dangerous levels of radiation while working with the scanners.

So did the TSA actually admit this? Of course not. Watchdogs noticed that the agency had solicited government contractors for a massive supply of portable dosimeters that employees would wear to measure how much ionizing radiation they were being bombarded by, every work day, while operating or just standing near those deadly backskatter porno-scanners. [Los Angeles Times via Cryptogon]

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  • nounverb911

    When they glow in the dark, they've had too much.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    What's more important: military-industrial complex profits or minimum wage workers developing cancer?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Dosimeter was the Greek god of cancer.

  • flamingpdog

    I prefer my porn without the added radioactive tingliness.

    • This will be a problem if you prefer Japanese porn,,,

  • SorosBot

    But it'll all be worth it if a spider irradiated by the scanners bites a nerdy teenager, giving him the ability to do whatever a spider can.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Or bites a pig.

  • hagajim

    TSA agent – "I have a giant lump in my ballsack that wasn't there six months ago."

    TSA management – "That's prolly just the lump of coal you got for a Christmas bonus."

  • edgydrifter

    When you see the TSA agents wearing lead smocks and ducking behind a blast shield as you enter the scanner, it's time to opt for the pat-down.

  • No wonder the TSA is so nasty

  • the Transportation Security Administration

    I think we should rename this agency to better reflect its actual function.

    • fartknocker

      I've called them "Thousands Standing Around." Also, for the traveling public information, the TSA agents at the Lubbock, TX airport are some of the friendliest people I've ever met.

      • ThundercatHo

        Detroit Metro also, too, even on Thanksgiving.

      • MosesInvests

        Austin, Texas as well.

      • Funny, innit? All the ones I've met have been sweet and charming, often the only nice people I meet on a flight at all.

        • Biff

          I haven't been on a plane since the 80's. Guess I just don't need to get anywhere in that big of a hurry.

    • MissTaken

      Testicle Squeezing Agency?

      • GOPCrusher

        So that's what they mean when they say "bag fee"?

    • HelmutNewton

      Terribly Suckered Again?

    • T&A? Those Stupid Assholes?

  • HistoriCat

    Michael Chertoff won't earn the big bonuses if the TSA stops buying those scanners. Do we really want that on our collective consciences?

    • flamingpdog

      I'd prefer him on a collective farm in the Ukraine in the early1930s.

    • Actually, I *really* want Michael Chertoff on a board. With a towel over his face and water streaming onto the towel.

      • HistoriCat

        Well as long as you're not advocating torture …

        • I'm merely suggesting we enhance their interrogation …

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Add cancer to the long list of things that come with defending freedumz

    • Not cancer, freedom tumours.

      • tcaalaw

        Still too negative. How about "freedom nuggets"?

        • flamingpdog

          No matter what you call it/them, it's result of freedom frying.

        • Doesn't McDonalds serve those?

  • Callyson

    the TSA does not plan to retest the machines or passengers…TSA spokesman Nico Melendez said "We continuously test our technology to ensure it is safe for both passengers and our officers…"
    George Orwell, Christopher Hitchens, and HL Mencken are ROTFL up in Heaven over this one…

  • Cancer wouldn't be so bad if you stood an equal chance of developing a helpful mutation, like Blinky the Three-Eyed Fish.

    • jus_wonderin

      I think the downside would be comfortably fitting eyewear.

    • emmelemm

      Three boobies, here I come…

  • MinAgain

    What tipped them off? The extra arm that TSA workers used during strip searches?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mutant TSA agents. Truly a frightening thought.

    • PubOption

      Do they become ninjas?

    • Baconzgood

      How can one tell?

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Hairy knuckles.
        Giant index finger.
        Super human ability to smell hemorrhoid crème tubes larger than 2oz.
        Sub human sense of humor.

        • Baconzgood

          Well then, they've been mutants for awhile now.

  • jus_wonderin

    This could all be avoided if the ban against Translucent Human Skin research was lifted.

  • Baconzgood

    This is bad news for my zucchini wrapped in tin foil.

  • I went through one on Saturday afternoon.

    I made the mistake of carrying freezedried food in my hand. Suddenly I had melted vanilla ice cream all over my arms.

    Quite embarassing.

  • Oops.

    • jus_wonderin

      "The goggles do nothing."

  • Goonemeritus

    I think they should also consider offering broad spectrum Cooties tests it can’t be healthy constantly having to grope the junk of strangers.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Do you guys know if there's a credible melting man?

    –Mike Nelson

    • GOPCrusher


      -Nelson Muntz

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Someone ought to start an airline where there are no lines, no scanners, no TSA goons, and no ionizing radiation… but everyone has to fly naked.

    It just might catch on.

    • CommieLibunatic

      I wouldn't be surprised if the logical conclusion of all this… security… was all our current TSA joy, plus the restrained and naked flights. Like some sort of lame S&M thing gone wrong.

    • flamingpdog

      Careful there, that could lead to this.

  • ttommyunger

    Snark away, but remember, they have to go to that shitty job every day and you don't. Jeez, groping fat ugly cranky people eight hours a day AND risk Radiation Poinsoning to boot? Hold me back.

    • emmelemm

      All for minimum wage…

      (Yeah, seriously, some of them may be assholes, but at least I don't have their job.)

      • ttommyunger


    • banana_bread

      A friend of mine is a TSA agent. She enjoys the job approximately as much as you'd expect.

      • ttommyunger

        I can only imagine.

  • ThundercatHo

    Why do you think they don't let iguanas be TSA agents, huh?

  • sati_demise

    I always wonder how much that custom made TSA rug costs at every checkpoint.
    Was it really necessary? Or just put there to bother me about government spending.

    I get the grope every single time.
    No, I will never be a Guinea Pig for Michael Chertoffs Goldman Sachs account.

    • I guess they got those in just before Obummer's ban on government schwag, huh?

  • littlebigdaddy

    No, I'm not really down with this TSA bullshit. However, a Tranny Sexytime Agency is something I believe we could all get behind!

  • MissTaken

    The TSA don't want to play with you. The TSA wants just to lay with you.

    • flamingpdog

      Or at least take you home to their place, watching every move on your face.

    • "…Got to concentrate/ Don't be distractive…" ♫

  • paris biltong

    What we wanted was minimum wage, radiation is the gravy.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Sure, maybe we get cancer, but hey, free radiation therapy, too.

  • DHS and TSA are two government agencies that really *ought* to be eliminated. Not that you'll ever hear Repiglicunts say so. No, they'd rather get rid of Education.

    • flamingpdog

      I think it's pretty obvious they already got rid of Education in their own world.

      • Their leechcraft would have us crawling on all fours like a beast!

        Srsly. In a 21st-century world, they want to privatize education and make it wealth-dependent. At a time when we've already bled away the vast manufacturing base of jobs that would employ those with anything less than a tertiary education.

        • Biff

          Yes, this is exactly what they want to do. Problem?

          • Listen, just because we're gay married doesn't mean you can take that tone with me, young man.

          • Biff

            Yes, dear…

          • This is actually getting to be fun, in a twisted kinda way.

  • PrimlyStable

    At least they're not testing iced tea on animals.

    • flamingpdog

      Or mother-fucking iced tea.

  • Ray-dee-ation. You hear the most outrageous lies about it.

  • A small price to pay for Freedom….because it isn't free.

    • flamingpdog

      ♫ "You gotta pay the price, you gotta sacrifice, for your liberty." ♫
      – Up(chuck) With People

  • mavenmaven

    The more TSA workers die of cancer, the more jobs open up on a regular basis. Perfect plan.

    • banana_bread

      Back scatter machines are the REAL job-creators!

  • BZ1

    Any chance in testing them for common sense?

  • Radiation is people, my friend.

  • DaRooster

    Why do today what you can put off for 10 years? Especially where the safety of people is concerned.


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