LOGICAL PROGRESSIONS  12:45 pm January 16, 2012

Colbert Super PAC: Mitt Romney Is a Serial Killer

by Liz Colville

Stephen Colbert’s super PAC released an attack ad in South Carolina this weekend that makes the brilliant connection between Romney’s “corporations are people” comment and the number of jobs he killed while working at Bain Capital. Duh, that would make him A SERIAL KILLER by his own admission, if he ever admitted to anything. The ad (narrated by John Lithgow!) dubs Romney “Mitt the Ripper” and pleads with the people of South Carolina to vote “Not Mitt Romney” in Saturday’s primary.

The super PAC also released a statement with the ad, including some more hits at the corporations = people thing (e.g., “Mitt Romney claims to be pro-corporations. But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?”)

With the “Not Mitt Romney” thing, Colbert’s PAC is basically saying that it’s fine to vote for anyone else this weekend, because if you vote for anyone else, it will bring Romney’s numbers down. But will that make any difference? And what if Rick Santorum becomes the Not-Mitt-Romney-in-Chief? WHAT THEN? The Definitely Not Coordinated With Stephen Colbert Super PAC seems confident that it can help make Mitt Romney the weakest Republican frontrunner in history. The narrative now appears to be shifting from oh godddddddddddd to hey, it might not be so bad to put a diabolical corporate executive with no people skills, no empathy, no soul, and lots of daddy issues up against a, you know, more experienced, if too mercurial, incumbent with tons of dollars in the bank. Colbert’s camp, along with the entire Republican field, has essentially placed Romney at the edge of the gangplank for Obama to come along and flick off, and that’s the most we can hope for at this boring old point, sorry. [The Digitel]

 
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{ 209 comments }

Barb January 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I'm looking forward to a better tomorrow tomorrow, thanks to Stephen Colbert.

Maman January 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Or at very least the day after tomorrow tomorrow

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life"*

——————————————————–

* Arguably the only time, ever, in history, that Ziggy was sorta funny.

Tundra Grifter January 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Barb:

Free Beer Tomorrow!

Barb January 16, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I'm loving it!

AFKensington January 16, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"I don't want any ad that is in any way misleading or incorrect to be able to be linked back to me!" – Colbert

He's a genius.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

He is. That two-minute sketch in which he creates and hands over the SuperPAC to Jon Stewart is some of the best political education any American can hope to get. It's literally that easy, you can start your SuperPAC with ONE piece of paper and get it done in TWO minutes or fewer.

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It's like Little Caesar's Pizza, only with less groping!

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Is that Herman Cain's monicker for hisLittle Best Friend? Little Caesar?

valgal2342 January 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

The new AFBTT PAC ad asks SC to vote for Herman Cain!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 2:59 am

I saw that! It's great.

SorosBot January 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Considering he's openly admitted to dog torturing and thought it made a cute anecdote, I wouldn't be so surprised if Mittens really were a serial killer.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I have to admit a certain sick fascination with this story. It deserves to make it into the collective consciousness. It's super creepy, and the creepiest part is, the narrator — Rmoney — has NO IDEA that it is in any way less than cute, admirable, funny, warm, and human. It's like talking to an actual psychopathic criminal, if you've every been so unfortunate as to have that experience. You have to wonder who the HELL advised him on this one, because the effect is the exact opposite to the one intended.

James Michael Curley January 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I believe the original story came from one of the sons who reported it in the same clueless manner as Mitt the Sh*t does. It is even more amazing when one considers with all the ways he could respond in his defense, he blames it on the dog. "Fido wanted it." I wonder what the poor dog's safe bark was.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Safe bark? Oh, geez (dies laughing).

I watched a clip of RMONEY defending the story, and he actually seemed surprised that people didn't get how cute and funny the story was. I think the son told the story to illustrate how organized Dad is, you know, nothing gets in the way of the family vacay, not even a terrified pet pooping its brains out. Just hose the poor fucker down and keep on driving. Oh, and the kid also mentioned something about Bishop Mittens telling the kids they had to pee before leaving because he wasn't going to stop the car for hell or high water till they got to where they were going.

And I'm thinking, all this shit about a fucking VACATION? Man, that's one uptight motherfucker.

Gainsbourg69 January 16, 2012 at 6:52 pm

We travelled with our dogs, Irish setters coincidentally, and mom made sure they were better accommodated than us three were. Whenever she saw Molly panting heavily she'd make my dad stop so she could drink water. If we were being a pain in the ass she'd just reach over and smack the shit out of us.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 3:02 am

When we had pets, my Dad would always insist that we feed them before we sat down to our meals. He said, "They depend on you for food. You can feed yourself, they can't. It's your duty to take care of them so that they don't go hungry, thirsty, or cold." Nothing upset him more than coming home to find that the cats, dogs, fish, and the entire menagerie of our young lives had not been properly fed, watered, cleaned, and caretaken.

He would've slapped Mittens, and his kid, unconscious.

Callyson January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Apparently, NYT's Gail Collins is doing her part by bringing it up in her columns. 36 different ones so far. Go Gail!

DemmeFatale January 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

BARK magazine gave her their first ever "Dogging the Hound Award" for her sustained effort to keep this story front and center in the press!
Yay, Gail!

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Good for her. I keep thinking about that poor dog, terrified, soaked, and shivering in the cold wind as the RMONEY vehicle continued wending its way to Canada. How many hours did that poor animal sit there, freezing?

Guppy January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Ann, don't just stare at it, eat it!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"I made food! I'm magical!"

(No magic underwear necessary!)

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Oh gawd. Dawgs can be SO … DUMB in their cute loveable adorable stupid way.

Guppy January 16, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Barrelhse January 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Keep him away from the Cornflakes aisle- he's got a knife.

MissTaken January 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Does Mitt drive a Volkswagon? If so, you may be on to something.

SorosBot January 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Or maybe he drives a plain white windowless van.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

More his style.

"Want some candy, little girl?"

PhilippePetain January 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

He always did have that stiff, wooden look with the intense gaze, and Dockers, which are three very good indicators.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'm not sure I'd call that an "intense gaze" so much as the CEO attempt to portray one. There's something so revoltingly hokey about this guy. Everything he says and does seems to be the blatantly obvious attempt of an android with a poor understanding of human culture to blend in.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I have always thought him….smarmy.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

It almost feels as if the word was created to define him.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Mitt Smarmney?

BornInATrailer January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

^ currently wearing Dockers

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Is Mittens so frugal as to buy Dockers?! He looks more like a Croft and Barrow, or whoever the fuck makes ridiculously overpriced clothing for the filthy rich, guy to me. Clothing labelled by the club(s) he belongs to, maybe, also. Too.

PhilippePetain January 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Haha, yeah, i would have mentioned an upper crust brand, but, no bullshit, I have no idea what the brands might be. I thought possibly Brooks Brothers, but i can't really imagine Mitt wearing $100 pants either, and I thought that Dockers might work as ubiquitous brand name/noun placeholder ala Tupperware™.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Since I buy all my shit from thrift stores and online Eddie Bauer or LL Bean or whatever that shit is, I wouldn't have the first fucking clue who makes overpriced clothing for the wealthy, but I STRONGLY suspect Mittens does not patronize low-end brands. He's looking a little paunchy, ain't he? Wonder if he's planning to lose weight for the general? Because if he wins the visuals will suck ass when he goes up against the lean, fit, athletic, muscular, Prez O.

anniegetyerfun January 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I will have to admit here that his younger pictures are pretty hot. In a serial killer sort of way.

PhilippePetain January 16, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh totally, girls that are attracted to bad boys totally vote Romney.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

So, you're saying only the 10% or so known masochists in the populace will vote for him?

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Mitt Romney is a Job Cremator®, my friend!

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I thought that Colbert might engage in a little harmless sniping around the fringes of the process, but he might actually swing things (besides his giant thingy).

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I thought it was Romney who had the huge penis? Or is that just on C-SPAN?

OneDollarJuana January 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

You know who else has a huge penis?

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Babar?

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

SorosBot? Barb? MittBorg?

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I'm voting for Barb, fershure. Her pness is bigger than anybody's.

Hey, waitaminnit. Wothehell you flinging my name around for? (I forgot I was MittBorg)

MosesInvests January 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Biggus Dickus?

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Dixie Normous?

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Every male on this site? (and a few of the females?)

Limeylizzie January 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"You are correct ", she said as she adjusted her enormous testicles.

real_dc_native January 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I was going to say "Me! Me! Me!" but you covered that for all of us.

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Long Dong Silver?

C_R_Eature January 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Hey, I went to that place and they had no Porn whatsoever. Just Fish & Chips.

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Lou Sarah? At least that one night, back in '87.

GOPCrusher January 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Dirk Diggler?

C_R_Eature January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I never thought that I'd be watching CSPAN's Washington journal for the Dick Jokes.
But I do.

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

That one sounded suspiciously like Mittens himself trying to disguise his voice.

Chet Kincaid January 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"A little harmless sniping around the fringes of the process" = Rally To Restore Sanity. Is Stewart now attempting to grow a pair?

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Man's got a dick down to his ankles and brass balls the size of elephants.

Bluestatelibel January 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So that why Romney needs all those houses – he needs a lot of backyards to bury those bodies in!

arihaya January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Politifact said Romney has 3 houses in US and 1 house in Canada

Mounties better start investigating his Canadian safe house then

Callyson January 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

"Is that all? Pauper"
-John McCain

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I wonder how many sisterwives he has stashed there?

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Pfft, Mitt got 4 houses, John McCain got 10 or 11. Juan McCain = Juan Corona?

Biff January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I remember the parody of My Sharona…

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Crawl Space: The Final Frontier

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

JOHN WAYNE GACY LIBEL!!!

BarackMyWorld January 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Shit just got real.

bumfug January 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I think the Oval Office would look sort of cool with everything covered in plastic sheets.

CliveWarren January 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

"But he was always so polite and kept mostly to himself," said the dozens and dozens of neighbours that live in the vicinity of Romney's various houses all over the country…

MissTaken January 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"And he always kept his lawn neatly mowed"

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 2:01 am

"We weren't friends, or anything, but he would always wave when he was in his yard."

paris biltong January 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The point made by the ad is not that he killed jobs (which are not people) but that he killed corporations (which are), thus making him guilty of personslaughter at least.

Guppy January 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

In his defense, the welder chick wasn't very white.

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

A twist on the "corporations can't be considered people until Texas executes one"? Mitt jumped the gun!

Chet Kincaid January 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Please make your own comedy, we can get Colbert's everywhere else.

OneDollarJuana January 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hope Colbert doesn't find out that corporations are people. People who write pink slips.

Bonghits4Jesus January 16, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?” No, and I wouldn't let him incorporate with her either!

BigDumbRedDog January 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Serial Killers are people too, my friend.

paris biltong January 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Other things we can hope for at this point, besides the eventual demise of Romney, include life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, good sex, a spiritual awakening and a large serving of carpaccio covered with slivers of white truffle.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I would adore to have some carpaccio right now. Sliced hair thin.

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I'll take the spiritual awakening please. And if I can do it without going to AA, all the better. Thanks.

prommie January 17, 2012 at 9:52 am

In this economy, I am struggling just to be able to make do with truffle oil.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I hear Romney's also ambi-Dexter-ous

(Somebody with some half-decent Photoshopping skills should make a Mittens-As-Dexter bloodstained portrait…. the five minute MS-Paint mess I just perpetrated isn't even worth posting on Icanhazcheezburger…)

not that Dewey January 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm
DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I guess that would be a killer app, then…

not that Dewey January 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

You slay me.

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Have a Knife Day!

CommieLibunatic January 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Haah!

ElPinche January 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Yeah, that one made me spit out a lil bit of cafe.

Crank_Tango January 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

This is good news for McCain.

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

“Mitt Romney claims to be pro-corporations. But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?”

He'd make her wear the Magic Underwear.

NewtsChicknNeck January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

and share him with sister corporations (or, if he's feeling exotic, an LLC or LLP or three).

Biff January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I wonder if, after murdering a corporation for jesus and bain capital, he baptized their carcass?

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

If by "baptized," you mean picked at the bones until they were clean of meat, then yes.

ElPinche January 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Three words, my friends: John Fucking Lithgow

LesBontemps January 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

To me, he will always be Dr. Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin; that was teh awesome. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086856/

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Use more honey!

ElPinche January 16, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Instead of slow clap, I like saying this: "May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined. "

LesBontemps January 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Laugh while you can, monkey-boy!

sati_demise January 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

OK, I showed this movie to a bunch of teens and they did not get it at all, didnt think it was funny, said it was 'lame'.

Fuckin' young people. I cant explain this.

CthuNHu January 16, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Genius goes in, dull stares come out. You can't explain it.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Clearly, those children need a severe beating with the Trademarked (TM) Golden Bat o'Clue.

Gainsbourg69 January 16, 2012 at 7:04 pm

It took me about six months to turn my niece and nephew into raging socialists. And that was with the help of Disney. I feel your pain.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:48 pm

YES! I need to watch that again, dammit!

not that Dewey January 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm

To me, he will always be Roberta Muldoon, the transsexual tight-end for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

As Bill Moyer noted on Colbert, I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one of them.

natoslug January 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That's just cruel. I'll settle for the execution of the CEO, CFO, board of directors (should any of that have been capitalized, for grammar or punishment?), legal staff and accounting department. And maybe one janitor to be named later.

KenLayIsAlive January 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Can't execute the janitor. Might be a minor from the nearby middle school, hired by Newt.

natoslug January 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm

If it's legal in Texas, it should be legal here.

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 2:04 am

I'd always heard the "I'll believe corporations are people when one gets sent to jail." and what do you know, Detroit's very own Montgomery C. Burns' Detroit International Bridge Company was sent to the slammer for a day, last week, and I began to think that maybe they are…

Indiepalin January 16, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Getting John Lithgow to narrate the ad was a stroke of genius. Since Lithgow himself played a serial killer who was killed by a serial killer who kills other serial killers who kill other serial killers who only kill serial killers who kill other serial killers.

Polythene_Pam January 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

But, he is such a nice man, this couldn't be true. Did you hear how he gave some money to a poor woman so that she could pay her electricity bill? http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/01/romn

A man like that wouldn't hurt a fly

SexySmurf January 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That woman better hope South Carolina holds another primary next month or else she's going to be sitting in the dark.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm

She could follow the campaign, ala Sarah.

chicken_thief January 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Or follow the CainTrain bus.

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

This is the second greatest thing John Lithgow did. Writing The Remarkable Farkle McBride being the BESTEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ TO MY KIDS EVAR!

LesBontemps January 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Show them The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, possibly the bestest movie they will ever see.

GeorgiaBurning January 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"Willard Mitt Romney" It does have that serial killer ring to it. Why don't parents realize this when they name their kids?

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

We named our daughter Willa Breaka Heel. My wife and I just love that particular scene in any horror movie.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I do NOT believe that for one second.

Although a good friend of mine named his son Zero. His wife was out cold at the time, and if she weren't an observant Catholic, he'd be divorced today.

SenileAgitation January 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Tip to new parents: For a truly authentic serial killer name, the middle name should be Wayne. Though for a killer corp, Consolidated is probably okay.

edgydrifter January 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

The last twenty feet of the [quiet rooms] are heavily soundproofed. The [money] pours down these chutes and the mangled [employees] slurp into these…

Mitt Romney, The Capitalist Sketch

Spurning Beer January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Rotating knives?

weejee January 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Listen to Mittens' blather is like taking in way too much fiber – a cereal killer.

Chet Kincaid January 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

What do you do when you are carrying the entire Republican Party on top of your campaign bus, and they are so scared shitless you will lose to Obama that Santorum is leaking down through the open windows? Hose that shit off and keep on going!!

Pithaughn January 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Oh, so that is what ticket to ride means!

Goonemeritus January 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Colbert can just forget about any role in the Romney administration. But then Romney would be well advised to not count on a role also too.

arihaya January 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

it's NOT from Stephen Colbert’s super PAC

it's from "Formerly-founded-by-Stephen-Colbert-but-now-led-by-Jon-Stewart-and DEFINITELY-not-coordinating-with-Stephen-Colbert Super PAC"

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Yes. Clearly he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Because he would never coordinate with his business partner, ever, never, ever.

mavenmaven January 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Stewart/Colbert 2016!

LesBontemps January 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

That's Colbert/Stewart, and right now!

Chillwillard January 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

If only SC wingnuts had a sense of humor…

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

No, they think Colbert is a true conservative who liberals like to laugh at.

MzNicky January 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Well hey, that works! Then they're more likely to vote for him, right? Through the looking-glass time, people.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I hope this causes John Roberts some severe intestinal discomfort.

NewtsChicknNeck January 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

if only he believed you could sue pharmaceutical companies, he might have a remedy.

C_R_Eature January 16, 2012 at 2:04 pm

All I know is, if Willard Mitt Romney shows up in public in Clown makeup I'm gettin' the fuck outta the country.

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

and/or takes oath of office next January, I'm outta here too. (I wish.)

C_R_Eature January 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

*Shudder*

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Pile the dogs in the car, girl, we're ALL leaving.

Exodus!
Movement of Jah People!

BZ1 January 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

more Colbert, less everyone else in the RNC …

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I will drink to that. Actually I'd need less drink if there were more Colbert and less rnc.

real_dc_native January 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

"But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?"

One question for Mr. Colbert: If my daughter HAD a corporation would I be working this two bit software job every day?

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

You get two bits?!?!

flamingpdog January 16, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Ted Bundy was a Mormon and later became a Hindu. He was also a Republican. Romney possession, anyone? BWA HA HA HA HA!!!1!

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

You can't "become" a Hindu. You're a Hindu if you were born of a Hindu family between the Ganges and Brahmaputra rivers. No "converts" wanted, needed, or accepted.

flamingpdog January 17, 2012 at 2:24 am

He "converted" to being a Hindu while on death row. He also tried a lot of other crap once the reality of his imminent demise became apparent to him. Dude was not a righteous dude.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I'm tellin' ya. You *can't* "convert. It's not like you can go to a priest and say, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I henceforth abjure Satan and all his works." It doesn't work like that. If you showed up in a Hindu temple tomorrow and asked to convert, they would laugh in your face nervously or throw you out.

Of course, anyone who wants to can call themselves a Hindu, and nobody can deny them that right since there is no centralised authority (unlike the Pope) or even decentralized authorities (like the mullahs). You can perform ritual human sacrifice and still be a Hindu. You can live a vegan lifestyle and still be a Hindu. And if you were to choose a Holy Book, you would have at least 1,000 to choose from.

You can't convert. He could certainly CALL himself a Hindu, just like I call myself a Greater Trafalmadorian occasionally. Cain't nobody *stop* him.

flamingpdog January 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Mitt, light up a J and mellow. I put convert in quotes to acknowledge your point. I believes ya!

Baconzgood January 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Oooops….a comic is playing by our rules.

-GOP-

coolhandnuke January 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If General Mills and Quaker had been leveraged by Romney and Bain, then, yes he would be a "cereal murderer.

prommie January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I find I have no difficulty at all masturbating to this post.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm

You're sicker than I thought, Prommie.

Angry_Marmot January 16, 2012 at 6:41 pm

For America!
Yank my doodle it's a dan-dy…

AngryBlakGuy January 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

…I'll believe "corporations" are people when I can go out and get sh#t faced trashed with one and then they can call in when I'm passed out in the bath tub and tell my boss I have food poisoning!!!

Tundra Grifter January 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Shouldn't your Wonkette moniker be "AngryBlahGuy?"

Just askin'.

OneYieldRegular January 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

So why hasn't Stephen Colbert been awarded the National Medal of Freedom yet – or the Nobel Prize? The next monument I want to see go up on the National Mall is to Colbert, Stewart, and Tina Fey, who collectively seem to be the best agents of democracy we have.

jus_wonderin January 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm

"Tina Fey"

I'd pray to that. Heaven knows, I have prayed for it.

NewtsChicknNeck January 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Those three have more balls in their little toes than 100,000 senators and congressmen infected with elephantiasis (except Bernie Sanders. He's a non-eunuch).

EloquentScience January 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

My daughter's corporation is Blackwater. If she were part of Mitt's 22%, I would let him date her.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

We can't afford Rmoney, my friends.
~

NewtsChicknNeck January 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Rick Perry: 2,430 executions as Governor of Texas and not ONE corporation among them.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Only because there are no poor black corporations in Texas.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:59 pm

And as for poor blah PEOPLE in TX, the Republicans are doing their damnedest to ensure that they won't be a problem come the next elections.

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Yes, yes, but were any of the corporations underaged and/or sexually abused?

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Because, if not, it probably isn't a gooper deal.

SoBeach January 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Romney always looks pretty unflappable. But this kind of stuff is going to keep coming. There's no way he'll be able to keep the conversation away from Bain. I see the possibility of an epic public meltdown some time this summer when Romney can't take anymore questions about his LBO days from people he doesn't think he should have to answer to.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Wow! Is the admin-bot getting twitchy, or what? All I said was that Pres O is truly unflappable and will filet Mittens, and it zotted me! #Occupy the adminbot!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

OK, this is getting a bit too meta now…I'm reading about this ad on the Wonkette and listening to Ted Koppel talking about Colbert's SuperPAC on NPR…

Callyson January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

And what if Rick Santorum becomes the Not-Mitt-Romney-in-Chief? WHAT THEN?
More headlines:
Santorum Slips Past Romney
Santorum Running Ahead
Santorum Seeps into the Lead

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

santorum oozes all over hypocritical reactionaries?

MinAgain January 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

There ought to be an Oscar category for Stephen Colbert's kind of performance art.

Pithaughn January 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

How about this? http://www.kennedy-center.org/programs/specialeve
Colbert is demonstrably more of a comic genius than Will Ferrel. And I say that as someone who owns 3 movies on DVD, one of which is Elf. Second best Xmas movie ever.

SorosBot January 16, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Incorrect! The best Christmas movie ever is Die Hard, and the second best is Gremlins.

MinAgain January 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You're both wrong. The best Christmas movie ever is "L.A. Confidential". And I am unanimous in this.

JerkCade January 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Nope. It was "Jingle All the Way."

littlebigdaddy January 16, 2012 at 11:22 pm

The best Christmas movie of all time is Well-hung Trannie Hookers go Black. At least I saw it at Christmas.

BigDumbRedDog January 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I can't wait for this to become an episode of "law and order SVU". SVU because he always rapes them first.

arihaya January 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

John Wayne Gacy approve this message.

Chichikovovich January 16, 2012 at 2:53 pm

OK, this clip is brilliant, and after Romney and his people released the ad attributing to Obama words that Obama was quoting from McCain, Romney has no right to complain about being taken out of context and misrepresented.

But just for the record (not that I would want Colbert's ad to stop or anything) I'm pretty sure that what Romney was trying to say was something like "corporations aren't abstract ideas, they are the people who work there – the humble but honest and proud janitor who cleans the crap from the executive toilets, the security guard who gets yelled at by the executives for failing to recognize them when they are wearing sunglasses, and a hat, the line worker who gets promoted to an officially "supervisory" position with no additional pay and exactly the same responsibilities, so that she can't participate in the union or collect overtime pay, (Sotto, sotto, sotto voce): And, of course, the executives who are just itching to shitcan the lot of them, as soon as Legal says the pension fund can be raided."

[I may not be 100% accurate in my conjecture about how Romney would actually have put it.]

But he didn't mean that corporations are people in the sense of the Citizens United decision. I've no doubt Romney believes that corporations should be counted as people in the sense of Citizens United, and perhaps he has said so on some occasions, But that wasn't what he was trying to say here.

SoBeach January 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm

"I'm pretty sure that what Romney was trying to say was something like "corporations aren't abstract ideas, they are the people who work there…"

Yeah, sort of. He was really saying that corporations are people in the sense that the profits go to people. He wasn't so much talking about the people who work for them.

Nobody really thinks Romney was saying corporations are (or should be) considered human beings. It's just such a fantastically clueless thing to say that it will haunt him forever — just like the "I like being able to fire people" remark.

For better or worse he'll always be remembered for being out of touch enough to say things that can be so easily twisted and mocked.

Is it fair. What do I care from fair? How many times have I heard right wing retards say that Al Gore claimed he invented the internet? It's just the way the game is played.

Chichikovovich January 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

My remark at the outset indicated that I wasn't going to be concerned about fairness or otherwise. Republicans play that game, it's suicidal not to strike back when you have such powerful ordnance.

And of course, my opinion will make not an ounce of difference. I just like to have a clear sense of the facts, is all.

SoBeach January 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

"I just like to have a clear sense of the facts, is all. "

Me too. Can't let 'em get in the way of a good snark, though.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 6:12 pm

My friend, everything you say is *technically* correct, absolutely. But I believe *you* missed the point, altogether. It's not his *meaning* that's the issue. It's his choice of words. Corporations are *not* people, and nobody else would have selected that unhappy phrase at a time when feeling against corporations, and politicians who do their bidding, is at an all-time high. The *real* point here is that Romney has a tin ear. If there is something wrong to be said, he will say it. If there is something insensitive, foolish, inapt, inept, tin-eared, rubbing people the wrong way, he will pick up exactly that phrasing that represents the very worst of all those qualities, and THAT is the phrasing that he will use when he voices his opinion. I don't think anyone's put it quite like that so far, but I honestly believe that his tin-earedness, his wrong-footedness, just grates on everyone, and this comment sort of embodies all the Who Let The Dogs Out RMONEYisms so perfectly.

I could be wrong.

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 2:10 am

Brevity. Also, the whole deconstruction of this was about his choice of words and who he is as the messenger of this message. Also. Now, let us return to good snark.

PhilippePetain January 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Indicators of Mormonism, I meant.

Geminisunmars January 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

3 of one, quarter of a dozen of another.

PhilippePetain January 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

What are an acceptable number of wives for men to have, Alex.

DahBoner January 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Shit, so what if Romney is a Serial Killer?

That only increases his cache with dumbass teabagger voters.

BECAUSE HE'S RICH!!!!

Republicans love Rich Serial Killers, like George W. Bush and Richard Cheney…

actor212 January 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

One job washes the other!

ttommyunger January 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I love the ad, I love Stephen Colbert, and have ever since I first started watching him on Strangers With Candy and I would vote for him for any office in the Land.

sati_demise January 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I wish Bain would have killed Clear Channel first .

Then Beck Rush-Hannity would have lost their fuckin' jobs.

June_Cleaver2.0 January 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm

He's the only Sunday school teacher in the race who believes in the Bible.

HelmutNewton January 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Super PAC's are people too, my friend!

Soylent Green January 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

It will become funny when Mitt & Newts SuperPacs spend millions on anti-Colbert attack ads.

Angry_Marmot January 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm

"Excuse me, America, I was just trying to get this dog crate on top of my car, and I've got one arm in a sling– could you give me a hand, please?"

CivicHoliday January 16, 2012 at 10:24 pm

So what ad come next? Swift boat engineers for truthiness?

Puffperney January 17, 2012 at 1:46 am

New twist. Tonight Colbert is saying that a vote for Cain is a vote for him. Colbert pointed out that SC is an open primary and that all fans could and should "get on the Cain train" …. for Colbert.

Should be interesting. I love this guy!

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 1:46 am

But will that make any difference?

Ummm…Operation Chaos, anyone? Tear Mitt down; let this be dragged out. None of the other candidates are even halfway electable, so it doesn't matter who this ends up benefitting in the swamp.

Negropolis January 17, 2012 at 2:12 am

This Colbert is getting in where he fits in, and I say more power to him. He's got everybody talking about him and for all the right reasons, this time (as opposed to the disappointment that was Rally to Restory Sanity). He's, like, all out there in the ether, man…

Chet Kincaid January 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Bosom Libel!!

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Hugh G. Rection?

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:29 pm

HAHAHA, and he deserves every syllable of it.

MittBorg January 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm

My dick is a monster!

C_R_Eature January 16, 2012 at 5:48 pm

A Legend. Enormous Thou Art.

not that Dewey January 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Of corpse I will. You too.

MittBorg January 17, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I just need someone to beat on, and there's no one else within reach, OK? The cat just stuck his tail in the weed and took off running when I yelled "You SONOFABITCH!," scattering a trail of crumbs behind him.

Life's hard out here in the cold reaches of space.

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