logical progressions

Colbert Super PAC: Mitt Romney Is a Serial Killer

Stephen Colbert’s super PAC released an attack ad in South Carolina this weekend that makes the brilliant connection between Romney’s “corporations are people” comment and the number of jobs he killed while working at Bain Capital. Duh, that would make him A SERIAL KILLER by his own admission, if he ever admitted to anything. The ad (narrated by John Lithgow!) dubs Romney “Mitt the Ripper” and pleads with the people of South Carolina to vote “Not Mitt Romney” in Saturday’s primary.

The super PAC also released a statement with the ad, including some more hits at the corporations = people thing (e.g., “Mitt Romney claims to be pro-corporations. But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?”)

With the “Not Mitt Romney” thing, Colbert’s PAC is basically saying that it’s fine to vote for anyone else this weekend, because if you vote for anyone else, it will bring Romney’s numbers down. But will that make any difference? And what if Rick Santorum becomes the Not-Mitt-Romney-in-Chief? WHAT THEN? The Definitely Not Coordinated With Stephen Colbert Super PAC seems confident that it can help make Mitt Romney the weakest Republican frontrunner in history. The narrative now appears to be shifting from oh godddddddddddd to hey, it might not be so bad to put a diabolical corporate executive with no people skills, no empathy, no soul, and lots of daddy issues up against a, you know, more experienced, if too mercurial, incumbent with tons of dollars in the bank. Colbert’s camp, along with the entire Republican field, has essentially placed Romney at the edge of the gangplank for Obama to come along and flick off, and that’s the most we can hope for at this boring old point, sorry. [The Digitel]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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      1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life"*


        * Arguably the only time, ever, in history, that Ziggy was sorta funny.

  1. AFKensington

    "I don't want any ad that is in any way misleading or incorrect to be able to be linked back to me!" – Colbert

    He's a genius.

    1. MittBorg

      He is. That two-minute sketch in which he creates and hands over the SuperPAC to Jon Stewart is some of the best political education any American can hope to get. It's literally that easy, you can start your SuperPAC with ONE piece of paper and get it done in TWO minutes or fewer.

  2. SorosBot

    Considering he's openly admitted to dog torturing and thought it made a cute anecdote, I wouldn't be so surprised if Mittens really were a serial killer.

    1. MittBorg

      I have to admit a certain sick fascination with this story. It deserves to make it into the collective consciousness. It's super creepy, and the creepiest part is, the narrator — Rmoney — has NO IDEA that it is in any way less than cute, admirable, funny, warm, and human. It's like talking to an actual psychopathic criminal, if you've every been so unfortunate as to have that experience. You have to wonder who the HELL advised him on this one, because the effect is the exact opposite to the one intended.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I believe the original story came from one of the sons who reported it in the same clueless manner as Mitt the Sh*t does. It is even more amazing when one considers with all the ways he could respond in his defense, he blames it on the dog. "Fido wanted it." I wonder what the poor dog's safe bark was.

        1. MittBorg

          Safe bark? Oh, geez (dies laughing).

          I watched a clip of RMONEY defending the story, and he actually seemed surprised that people didn't get how cute and funny the story was. I think the son told the story to illustrate how organized Dad is, you know, nothing gets in the way of the family vacay, not even a terrified pet pooping its brains out. Just hose the poor fucker down and keep on driving. Oh, and the kid also mentioned something about Bishop Mittens telling the kids they had to pee before leaving because he wasn't going to stop the car for hell or high water till they got to where they were going.

          And I'm thinking, all this shit about a fucking VACATION? Man, that's one uptight motherfucker.

        2. Gainsbourg69

          We travelled with our dogs, Irish setters coincidentally, and mom made sure they were better accommodated than us three were. Whenever she saw Molly panting heavily she'd make my dad stop so she could drink water. If we were being a pain in the ass she'd just reach over and smack the shit out of us.

          1. MittBorg

            When we had pets, my Dad would always insist that we feed them before we sat down to our meals. He said, "They depend on you for food. You can feed yourself, they can't. It's your duty to take care of them so that they don't go hungry, thirsty, or cold." Nothing upset him more than coming home to find that the cats, dogs, fish, and the entire menagerie of our young lives had not been properly fed, watered, cleaned, and caretaken.

            He would've slapped Mittens, and his kid, unconscious.

      2. Callyson

        Apparently, NYT's Gail Collins is doing her part by bringing it up in her columns. 36 different ones so far. Go Gail!

        1. MittBorg

          Good for her. I keep thinking about that poor dog, terrified, soaked, and shivering in the cold wind as the RMONEY vehicle continued wending its way to Canada. How many hours did that poor animal sit there, freezing?

  3. PhilippePetain

    He always did have that stiff, wooden look with the intense gaze, and Dockers, which are three very good indicators.

    1. MittBorg

      I'm not sure I'd call that an "intense gaze" so much as the CEO attempt to portray one. There's something so revoltingly hokey about this guy. Everything he says and does seems to be the blatantly obvious attempt of an android with a poor understanding of human culture to blend in.

    2. chicken_thief

      Is Mittens so frugal as to buy Dockers?! He looks more like a Croft and Barrow, or whoever the fuck makes ridiculously overpriced clothing for the filthy rich, guy to me. Clothing labelled by the club(s) he belongs to, maybe, also. Too.

      1. PhilippePetain

        Haha, yeah, i would have mentioned an upper crust brand, but, no bullshit, I have no idea what the brands might be. I thought possibly Brooks Brothers, but i can't really imagine Mitt wearing $100 pants either, and I thought that Dockers might work as ubiquitous brand name/noun placeholder ala Tupperware™.

      2. MittBorg

        Since I buy all my shit from thrift stores and online Eddie Bauer or LL Bean or whatever that shit is, I wouldn't have the first fucking clue who makes overpriced clothing for the wealthy, but I STRONGLY suspect Mittens does not patronize low-end brands. He's looking a little paunchy, ain't he? Wonder if he's planning to lose weight for the general? Because if he wins the visuals will suck ass when he goes up against the lean, fit, athletic, muscular, Prez O.

    3. anniegetyerfun

      I will have to admit here that his younger pictures are pretty hot. In a serial killer sort of way.

  4. Geminisunmars

    I thought that Colbert might engage in a little harmless sniping around the fringes of the process, but he might actually swing things (besides his giant thingy).

          1. MittBorg

            I'm voting for Barb, fershure. Her pness is bigger than anybody's.

            Hey, waitaminnit. Wothehell you flinging my name around for? (I forgot I was MittBorg)

  5. Bluestatelibel

    So that why Romney needs all those houses – he needs a lot of backyards to bury those bodies in!

    1. arihaya

      Politifact said Romney has 3 houses in US and 1 house in Canada

      Mounties better start investigating his Canadian safe house then

  6. CliveWarren

    "But he was always so polite and kept mostly to himself," said the dozens and dozens of neighbours that live in the vicinity of Romney's various houses all over the country…

  7. paris biltong

    The point made by the ad is not that he killed jobs (which are not people) but that he killed corporations (which are), thus making him guilty of personslaughter at least.

    1. chicken_thief

      A twist on the "corporations can't be considered people until Texas executes one"? Mitt jumped the gun!

  8. Bonghits4Jesus

    "But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?” No, and I wouldn't let him incorporate with her either!

  9. paris biltong

    Other things we can hope for at this point, besides the eventual demise of Romney, include life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, good sex, a spiritual awakening and a large serving of carpaccio covered with slivers of white truffle.

  10. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    I hear Romney's also ambi-Dexter-ous

    (Somebody with some half-decent Photoshopping skills should make a Mittens-As-Dexter bloodstained portrait…. the five minute MS-Paint mess I just perpetrated isn't even worth posting on Icanhazcheezburger…)

  11. actor212

    “Mitt Romney claims to be pro-corporations. But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?”

    He'd make her wear the Magic Underwear.

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      and share him with sister corporations (or, if he's feeling exotic, an LLC or LLP or three).

      1. ElPinche

        Instead of slow clap, I like saying this: "May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined. "

      2. sati_demise

        OK, I showed this movie to a bunch of teens and they did not get it at all, didnt think it was funny, said it was 'lame'.

        Fuckin' young people. I cant explain this.

        1. Gainsbourg69

          It took me about six months to turn my niece and nephew into raging socialists. And that was with the help of Disney. I feel your pain.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    As Bill Moyer noted on Colbert, I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one of them.

    1. natoslug

      That's just cruel. I'll settle for the execution of the CEO, CFO, board of directors (should any of that have been capitalized, for grammar or punishment?), legal staff and accounting department. And maybe one janitor to be named later.

    2. Negropolis

      I'd always heard the "I'll believe corporations are people when one gets sent to jail." and what do you know, Detroit's very own Montgomery C. Burns' Detroit International Bridge Company was sent to the slammer for a day, last week, and I began to think that maybe they are…

  13. Indiepalin

    Getting John Lithgow to narrate the ad was a stroke of genius. Since Lithgow himself played a serial killer who was killed by a serial killer who kills other serial killers who kill other serial killers who only kill serial killers who kill other serial killers.

    1. SexySmurf

      That woman better hope South Carolina holds another primary next month or else she's going to be sitting in the dark.

  14. Baconzgood

    This is the second greatest thing John Lithgow did. Writing The Remarkable Farkle McBride being the BESTEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ TO MY KIDS EVAR!

  15. GeorgiaBurning

    "Willard Mitt Romney" It does have that serial killer ring to it. Why don't parents realize this when they name their kids?

    1. jus_wonderin

      We named our daughter Willa Breaka Heel. My wife and I just love that particular scene in any horror movie.

      1. MittBorg

        I do NOT believe that for one second.

        Although a good friend of mine named his son Zero. His wife was out cold at the time, and if she weren't an observant Catholic, he'd be divorced today.

    2. SenileAgitation

      Tip to new parents: For a truly authentic serial killer name, the middle name should be Wayne. Though for a killer corp, Consolidated is probably okay.

  16. edgydrifter

    The last twenty feet of the [quiet rooms] are heavily soundproofed. The [money] pours down these chutes and the mangled [employees] slurp into these…

    Mitt Romney, The Capitalist Sketch

  17. Chet Kincaid

    What do you do when you are carrying the entire Republican Party on top of your campaign bus, and they are so scared shitless you will lose to Obama that Santorum is leaking down through the open windows? Hose that shit off and keep on going!!

  18. Goonemeritus

    Colbert can just forget about any role in the Romney administration. But then Romney would be well advised to not count on a role also too.

  19. arihaya

    it's NOT from Stephen Colbert’s super PAC

    it's from "Formerly-founded-by-Stephen-Colbert-but-now-led-by-Jon-Stewart-and DEFINITELY-not-coordinating-with-Stephen-Colbert Super PAC"

    1. Geminisunmars

      Yes. Clearly he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Because he would never coordinate with his business partner, ever, never, ever.

      1. MzNicky

        Well hey, that works! Then they're more likely to vote for him, right? Through the looking-glass time, people.

  20. C_R_Eature

    All I know is, if Willard Mitt Romney shows up in public in Clown makeup I'm gettin' the fuck outta the country.

  21. real_dc_native

    "But would you let him date your daughter’s corporation?"

    One question for Mr. Colbert: If my daughter HAD a corporation would I be working this two bit software job every day?

    1. MittBorg

      You can't "become" a Hindu. You're a Hindu if you were born of a Hindu family between the Ganges and Brahmaputra rivers. No "converts" wanted, needed, or accepted.

      1. flamingpdog

        He "converted" to being a Hindu while on death row. He also tried a lot of other crap once the reality of his imminent demise became apparent to him. Dude was not a righteous dude.

        1. MittBorg

          I'm tellin' ya. You *can't* "convert. It's not like you can go to a priest and say, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, and I henceforth abjure Satan and all his works." It doesn't work like that. If you showed up in a Hindu temple tomorrow and asked to convert, they would laugh in your face nervously or throw you out.

          Of course, anyone who wants to can call themselves a Hindu, and nobody can deny them that right since there is no centralised authority (unlike the Pope) or even decentralized authorities (like the mullahs). You can perform ritual human sacrifice and still be a Hindu. You can live a vegan lifestyle and still be a Hindu. And if you were to choose a Holy Book, you would have at least 1,000 to choose from.

          You can't convert. He could certainly CALL himself a Hindu, just like I call myself a Greater Trafalmadorian occasionally. Cain't nobody *stop* him.

          1. flamingpdog

            Mitt, light up a J and mellow. I put convert in quotes to acknowledge your point. I believes ya!

          2. MittBorg

            I just need someone to beat on, and there's no one else within reach, OK? The cat just stuck his tail in the weed and took off running when I yelled "You SONOFABITCH!," scattering a trail of crumbs behind him.

            Life's hard out here in the cold reaches of space.

  22. coolhandnuke

    If General Mills and Quaker had been leveraged by Romney and Bain, then, yes he would be a "cereal murderer.

  23. AngryBlakGuy

    …I'll believe "corporations" are people when I can go out and get sh#t faced trashed with one and then they can call in when I'm passed out in the bath tub and tell my boss I have food poisoning!!!

  24. OneYieldRegular

    So why hasn't Stephen Colbert been awarded the National Medal of Freedom yet – or the Nobel Prize? The next monument I want to see go up on the National Mall is to Colbert, Stewart, and Tina Fey, who collectively seem to be the best agents of democracy we have.

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      Those three have more balls in their little toes than 100,000 senators and congressmen infected with elephantiasis (except Bernie Sanders. He's a non-eunuch).

  25. SoBeach

    Romney always looks pretty unflappable. But this kind of stuff is going to keep coming. There's no way he'll be able to keep the conversation away from Bain. I see the possibility of an epic public meltdown some time this summer when Romney can't take anymore questions about his LBO days from people he doesn't think he should have to answer to.

    1. MittBorg

      Wow! Is the admin-bot getting twitchy, or what? All I said was that Pres O is truly unflappable and will filet Mittens, and it zotted me! #Occupy the adminbot!

  26. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    OK, this is getting a bit too meta now…I'm reading about this ad on the Wonkette and listening to Ted Koppel talking about Colbert's SuperPAC on NPR…

  27. Callyson

    And what if Rick Santorum becomes the Not-Mitt-Romney-in-Chief? WHAT THEN?
    More headlines:
    Santorum Slips Past Romney
    Santorum Running Ahead
    Santorum Seeps into the Lead

        1. MinAgain

          You're both wrong. The best Christmas movie ever is "L.A. Confidential". And I am unanimous in this.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        The best Christmas movie of all time is Well-hung Trannie Hookers go Black. At least I saw it at Christmas.

  28. BigDumbRedDog

    I can't wait for this to become an episode of "law and order SVU". SVU because he always rapes them first.

  29. Chichikovovich

    OK, this clip is brilliant, and after Romney and his people released the ad attributing to Obama words that Obama was quoting from McCain, Romney has no right to complain about being taken out of context and misrepresented.

    But just for the record (not that I would want Colbert's ad to stop or anything) I'm pretty sure that what Romney was trying to say was something like "corporations aren't abstract ideas, they are the people who work there – the humble but honest and proud janitor who cleans the crap from the executive toilets, the security guard who gets yelled at by the executives for failing to recognize them when they are wearing sunglasses, and a hat, the line worker who gets promoted to an officially "supervisory" position with no additional pay and exactly the same responsibilities, so that she can't participate in the union or collect overtime pay, (Sotto, sotto, sotto voce): And, of course, the executives who are just itching to shitcan the lot of them, as soon as Legal says the pension fund can be raided."

    [I may not be 100% accurate in my conjecture about how Romney would actually have put it.]

    But he didn't mean that corporations are people in the sense of the Citizens United decision. I've no doubt Romney believes that corporations should be counted as people in the sense of Citizens United, and perhaps he has said so on some occasions, But that wasn't what he was trying to say here.

    1. SoBeach

      "I'm pretty sure that what Romney was trying to say was something like "corporations aren't abstract ideas, they are the people who work there…"

      Yeah, sort of. He was really saying that corporations are people in the sense that the profits go to people. He wasn't so much talking about the people who work for them.

      Nobody really thinks Romney was saying corporations are (or should be) considered human beings. It's just such a fantastically clueless thing to say that it will haunt him forever — just like the "I like being able to fire people" remark.

      For better or worse he'll always be remembered for being out of touch enough to say things that can be so easily twisted and mocked.

      Is it fair. What do I care from fair? How many times have I heard right wing retards say that Al Gore claimed he invented the internet? It's just the way the game is played.

      1. Chichikovovich

        My remark at the outset indicated that I wasn't going to be concerned about fairness or otherwise. Republicans play that game, it's suicidal not to strike back when you have such powerful ordnance.

        And of course, my opinion will make not an ounce of difference. I just like to have a clear sense of the facts, is all.

        1. SoBeach

          "I just like to have a clear sense of the facts, is all. "

          Me too. Can't let 'em get in the way of a good snark, though.

    2. MittBorg

      My friend, everything you say is *technically* correct, absolutely. But I believe *you* missed the point, altogether. It's not his *meaning* that's the issue. It's his choice of words. Corporations are *not* people, and nobody else would have selected that unhappy phrase at a time when feeling against corporations, and politicians who do their bidding, is at an all-time high. The *real* point here is that Romney has a tin ear. If there is something wrong to be said, he will say it. If there is something insensitive, foolish, inapt, inept, tin-eared, rubbing people the wrong way, he will pick up exactly that phrasing that represents the very worst of all those qualities, and THAT is the phrasing that he will use when he voices his opinion. I don't think anyone's put it quite like that so far, but I honestly believe that his tin-earedness, his wrong-footedness, just grates on everyone, and this comment sort of embodies all the Who Let The Dogs Out RMONEYisms so perfectly.

      I could be wrong.

    3. Negropolis

      Brevity. Also, the whole deconstruction of this was about his choice of words and who he is as the messenger of this message. Also. Now, let us return to good snark.

  30. DahBoner

    Shit, so what if Romney is a Serial Killer?

    That only increases his cache with dumbass teabagger voters.


    Republicans love Rich Serial Killers, like George W. Bush and Richard Cheney…

  31. ttommyunger

    I love the ad, I love Stephen Colbert, and have ever since I first started watching him on Strangers With Candy and I would vote for him for any office in the Land.

  32. sati_demise

    I wish Bain would have killed Clear Channel first .

    Then Beck Rush-Hannity would have lost their fuckin' jobs.

  33. Puffperney

    New twist. Tonight Colbert is saying that a vote for Cain is a vote for him. Colbert pointed out that SC is an open primary and that all fans could and should "get on the Cain train" …. for Colbert.

    Should be interesting. I love this guy!

  34. Negropolis

    But will that make any difference?

    Ummm…Operation Chaos, anyone? Tear Mitt down; let this be dragged out. None of the other candidates are even halfway electable, so it doesn't matter who this ends up benefitting in the swamp.

  35. Negropolis

    This Colbert is getting in where he fits in, and I say more power to him. He's got everybody talking about him and for all the right reasons, this time (as opposed to the disappointment that was Rally to Restory Sanity). He's, like, all out there in the ether, man…

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