Santorum Iowa campaign staffer Jamie Johnson apparently sent out an e-mail last summer questioning whether it would really be appropriate for a woman, e.g. Michele Bachmann, to be president of the United States. Johnson, who sent the e-mail from his personal account, says the thing was “blown way out of proportion,” by which he means that the proportion of his sexist bullcrap should be the size of one e-mail, not the size of many, many news articles read ’round the Web. Oh well.
In a post exploring Bachmann’s failed presidential bid, the Des Moines Register lists one possible reason for her campaign’s demise: “sexism among some conservatives,” and proceeds to detail how Johnson’s e-mail, sent last June, claimed that “children’s lives would be harmed if the nation had a female president” (in the words of the paper). Johnson wrote:
The question then comes, ‘Is it God’s highest desire, that is, his biblically expressed will, … to have a woman rule the institutions of the family, the church, and the state?’
That’s just too many things! Just stick to one, women, and see how you do. Forever. So this is why Romney had a computer bonfire after leaving office. Brilliant man. Really had a vision for the future.
Of course, Bachmann’s campaign made several accusations of sexism over the course of her campaign, and while in some of those cases the correct charge was probably gaffism, in the above case her team would certainly be warranted. Johnson wasn’t the only person to invoke religion in saying women should sit at home and pop out babies; Pete Waldron, a former Bachmann staffer, said that “three influential pastors” had called for Bachmann to suspend her campaign for that reason, and others had said “a female could not be a civil magistrate.”
Johnson, who, by the way, is a Failed Politician, remains on Santorum’s staff, though Waldron has called on the candidate to fire him. Yeah right. Santorum has already long established that he thinks women are supposed to stay at home and look after the children that they create annually out of very perfunctory, orgasm-less intercourse while he and the Todd Palins of the world are out hunting and gathering earmarks and kickbacks (or in Todd Palin’s case, just hunting). [Des Moines Register via Huffington Post]
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Are you sure Jamie isn't a girl himself?
Now scouring the web for pictures of Jamie's Johnson….
Picture at the Failed Politician linkie dinkie do.
He's a dude. Not sure how butch, tho.
I don't know why I bother clicking the links just to see what they look like. They usually look very much, if not exactly, how I picture them.
In any case, Jamie is very confused.
Ve'll cut off your Johnson, Santorum!
This message brought to you by Johnson & Johnson Brand Santorum. Now extra frothy.
Ve believe in notzing Zantorum.
Evangelical Christians…fuck me! Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
Pizza Boomerang!
Probably NSFW if you work with other people.
Oh, my!
What. The. Fuck?
Pizza like you've never had it before! Cannot be un-seen, either.
I really don't know WTF it is, but damn, it must be good stuff!
Wait, the most sexist, woman-hating candidate running to be the anti-woman party's presidential nominee has a misogynist staffer? Shocking!
Knock ME over with a feather….
Excuse me! Knock me over with a FATHER. That is the God-ordained order.
Who'd'a thunkit?
Men are such chauvinistic, earmarked pigs.
I believe that Mormonism — or, more to the point, Mittenism – also holds that wives must be subservient to their husbands as well, and are unfit for higher office.
This Holy Rationalization for the GOP's Continuing War On Wimmenz must mean that Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh and the Angel Moroni are all on the board of the same SuperPAC.
I say we strike a deal: they stop being such assholes here on earth, and in exchange we let them do whatever the fuck they want, on their personal planets, after they're dead.
Wait, don't you work on a per-soul basis? I mean, how does the reimbursement gig work here, is what I'm sayin'.
Well, fuck me. I just realized PalinzADummy has been assimilated into the MittBorg.
At least tell me you read my tagline, baby. Pleez?
They don't HAVE to be subservient, but if they expect a good husband, a happy family and not to be cast into outer darkness for all eternity, they SHOULD be subservient. Besides, it's just "naturally" their place to be subservient. Besides, name ONE woman who has ever served in any position of power higher than PTO secretary.
Cleopatra?
Damn it, sb! You were supposed to provide two or more examples so that I could defeat your answer on a technicality.
Golda Meir.
Lou (gag-me) Sarah
Catherine the Great, Elizabeth I, and probably half the bosses of the guys posting here.
Finally, the opening I was looking for . . . and fuck me, but I've already forgotten my faux-rage rant about not following directions and such. Why does work have to cut into my free time so much?
Benazir Bhutto?
TOO SOON!!!1!!
Indira Gandhi? Sirimavo Bandaranaike? Yulia Tymoshenko? Megawati Sukarnoputri?
Okay, you're just making up names with that last one.
Wut? No! PM of Indonesia before the current one. Also, too, Sukarno's daughter, which is what "Sukarnoputri" means.
In their defence, take a look at the options – the Grifter Queen? Crazy Eyes? The not-a-Witch? (Though she didn't run for Prez. Yet.) I can see why a barrel of bad apples might give the few good ones a bad name.
I am shocked, SHOCKED, to learn there is rampant sexism in a candidate's campaign staff whose main argument for running is he made his wife carry babies to term, whether she wanted to or not.
You know, for his career.
I know. Even after his claim that contraception is destroying America, I refused to believe that Rick was a member of the He-Man's Woman Haters Club.
It's a man's job to tell a woman she can't have one!
LEAVE SPANKY ALONE !!lebenty!!
Except that one time she had an abortion anaconda the sprog died and was rotting in her — you know, medical emergency — the kind Rickles doesn't want *other* women to have access to.
I hesitate to gossip about Santorum's wife…but did anyone read that article that was out today about how she dated the doctor who delivered her (I mean, delivered her from her mother), who was 40 years older than her, and is an abortion provider and abortion rights activist?
Isn't barefoot & preggers in the Constitution? I think it's right there with the 3/5ths Compromise.
Let's face it, these guys would repeal the 19th Amendment if they thought they could get away with it; the 15th too.
Immaculate, as it were.
Undoubtedly Jeezus and Raygun argued for it, but that commie Franklin (public libraries = Soshulism!!!) prolly deleted it.
It's in German: Kinder, Kuche, und Kirche
From Bachmann to Santorum
It's not quite soup to nuts, except for the 2nd part.
~
If you switch the names around, then it is soup(y) to nuts.
I don't know; Satorum sounds awfully soupy from the definition of the word. And, well, Michele is nucking futz.
Is it OK for teh ladiez to engage in spiritual pursuits? Because Mrs. Gingrich likes to gaze at crystals. http://www.meetup.com/arlingtonmeta/
they sell diamonds, yes?
That might explain that constant look in her eyes. I'm convinced she sleeps with them open. Has anyone ever seen her blink?
Nicitating membrane.
It's hard to have santorum without a johnson being involved.
That's just snarkalicous!
They get to be Womb Transport and Support (WTS) systems – why (or how, if you think about it) would they aspire to anything "higher" than that?
He'd incorporate his wife as a baby factory, but he's afraid Romney would fire her.
But if he outsources the work to China, we'll get more cute asian girls. That's a win, right?
Nuh uh. Mormon, remember? He'd hog them for himself.
The 1 percenters get 50% of the women, too?
Fuck that — Occupy Kolob!
Celestial cum dumpsters. Just like the Mormons.
Well, with a setup like that, it would be ungentlemanly to fail to mention Kurt Vonnegut's "The Big Space Fuck."
I'd like to get higher with that Rihanna, oohhhsopassitwillya.
it all goes back to googling "santorum"
Ya hear that Michele. GOD ORDERS YOU TO GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH! His will be done.
And I want it on WHITE BREAD this time.
None of that Whole Wheat crap.
Extra Mayo and grab me a beer while your doing what God put you here for.
And, bitch, stfu!!!
Actually it's not sexist saying that to Michele….Just the right thing to say.
Sounds like someone is afraid of getting girl cooties.
"Santorum staffer"
eww.
santorum stuffer?
santorum sniffer!
Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack?
(This is a test to reveal which Wonketteers have children between 8 and 12, or were recently so themselves)
If you have santorum on your staff, please bathe.
Well played!
Women ruling the church? What are we, Episcopalian?
Damn straight.
That's what this campaign needed: more prejudice.
God, I am so sick of this frothy, Joel Osteen-doppelganger douchenozzle. I can't wait until he finishes last in SC and is forced to drop out.
Unless something dramatic happens, I'm pretty sure Perry will be the last place finished in SC. Of course, Perry still might not drop out at that point because he is used to being the bottom.
Instead of waterboarding, a more effective means of torturing Santorum and Johnson is lock them in a room and have them watch videos of real women having real screaming orgasms.
Girl on Girl Action, starring Mrs Santorum and Mrs Johnson…
Oh, you mean, Tuesday? I love Tuesday.
Ha! WIN!
It would have to come (heh, heh) with a lengthy explanation which neither of them would believe anyway since I'm positive they have never seen a woman have an orgasm. Assholes would probably just think the women needed an exorcist.
I caught my husband torturing himself the other night when he thought I was fast asleep.
I hope you miraculously awakened and assisted in the torture.
Yes, that what he was doing to himself. "Torture."
Men naturally make better leaders, because if history has taught us only one lesson it's that penises always make wise decisions.
Which color burka should American women wear? Are stars AND stripes immodest?
Depends on where you put the stars….
"Now just you think about this Missy. In my day we didn't have all these stars to decorate our burka. You take a long minute to consider this. Count your blessings!"
I thought it was already obligatory in the US Republic of Gilead?
We used to joke about it- not anymore!
No white burkas after Labor Day.
These guys think The Handmaid's Tale is a comedy.
Screw that, they think it's a blueprint.
Oh look, another bigot that speaks for God. Someone needs a smiting.
I would have more sympathy for Bachmann were she not screeching Old Testament scripture at other groups. Actually it would be hard to muster sympathy for Bachmann were a plague of locust to take up residence in her hairdo.
Goon, if the Bachman had a fixie, I'd advise her to clean the chain by holding a rag round it with her hand, whilst spinning the cranks….
Or stop by steering into road drains with long wide slots.
Sheldon Brown says no.
BUT!! funny!
These fellows should take a page from their elders, ultra orthodox Jews in israel! They don't work but collect generous government $$, sit around reading the Talmud all day, and don't allow women on the same bus, let alone in office. There was something in the Jew York Times about it yesterday. Until women are content being what religious men say they should be, this world will be in turmoil!. Probably even after.
So, you're saying that Israel has a Tea Party?
New York/Israel – same difference.
Anyone who writes shit like Jew York Times is a pig. So fuck you!
How can a woman be God's Instrument to impose subordination on women?! That just doesn't even make sense!! Santorum 2012.
These idiots live in an irony-free zone. Crazy Eyes, and before her, Phyllis Schlaffley, hiring child care so they could make big bucks giving speeches telling the ladies to get back in the kitchen and start baking pies.
Why are we spending so much blood and treasure in Afghanistan, when we have fuckers no different from the Taliban right here at home?
SHOCK AND IOWA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!
I know, and when you point it out to them, they get really pissy about it. Because the Taliban are religion driven psychopaths and Xtians are just persecuted.
Linked Des Moines Register article says one of the reasons Che1y bombed out in Iowa after winning the straw poll was:
The campaign had by August identified more than 30,000 Iowa supporters, but failed over the course of the summer to remain in contact with them..
Maybe she would have done better if she just could have gotten Tim Tebow's endorsement. Think how much more acceptable she would have been to the Republicans walking up onto the dais with an athletic supporter in front of her.
As opposed to the douchebag behind her?
(apologies in advance to anyone who found that word offensive. It just fit the meme best)
I for one am shocked that you would such a word in this forum. While it is all fun and games, and snark is appreciated and encouraged – even those that aren't "gems", but there are limits. And this is one. In the future, please avoid the use of "her" in reference to One L. Please use "cunt, bitch, idiot, crazy eyed" or some other site appropriate term.
Thank you.
But I was talking about Marcus!
Is Santorum latin for sanctomonius asshole?
Sexist joke time:
You know why we call them woman?
WOAH-WOAH-WOAH MAN, shut the fuck up and clean the bathroom.
How many woman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
YOU DON'T NEED LIGHTS TO COOK DINNER
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.
Etc.etc.etc.
How many Women's Studies majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!
I used to tell that one to all my lesbian friends, and they didn't get it. I couldn't tell if that's because I wasn't funny, they weren't, or both.
What does a lesbian bring along on a second date?
A U-Haul
(or is that joke too "Inside Softball" for a general audience?)
This is 100% true.
I've always heard it as "a U-Haul and a cat carrier".
/ha!
I've heard this one, too, with variations. My fav one:
What does a lesbian bring along on a second date?
Everything!
(told to me by a lesbian so that maybe also be too "Inside Softball")
Really old joke!
What do 9 million battered women have in common?
They just wouldn't listen.
Although in conservative realms, that's probably less of a "joke" and more of a "well yes, but I thought you were going to tell a joke, not remind me of my damned wife's problems."
And then there's Tempura, the support group for lightly-battered women
Why do women have smaller feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
So Bachmann is jiggy with the homophobia, murderous crusading against non-believers, and all that other nonsense in the Bible, but she aint with the misogyny?
She is a baaaaaad Christian!
A lady President? Thats would be like living in bizarro-world!
Women think Santorum shouldn't be President or much else, also.
Women shouldn't be troubling their pretty little heads with man-stuff like elections and such. Now go make me a sammitch and shut these kids up.
As soon as my nails are dry.
Painted strumpet.
Oh, if I only had more upfisties to give.
Thank you.
With Bachmann why even ask if a woman can be Preznit? Better question is if this particular "batshit crazy" woman should be Preznit.
Lysistrata would have a field day today with all these sad bastards.
It all depends. Did Aristophanes write an alternate version where it's the lissome specimens of blonde Greek male youth that won't put out?
Dunno. If there is one, then it's likely in Mitch McConnel's library.
Did someone say blonde greek male youths?
These sad bastards wouldn't care. It would free them from a "chore" that they only do for show, and allow them more time to spend buggering each other in their wetsuits.
Yeah, Bad Idea best forgotten. They'd only go and legalize SFOR (Sodomy for Republicans Only)
Everyone knows that women can't rule the institutions of the family, the church, and the state because they get infections every month.
As South Park says, "Don't trust something that bleeds for 5 days every month and doesn't die" – that's the last coupla thousand years of the right wing/religous mindset on women in a sentence…
Stars be old school!
Well they say women shouldn't be the president
cause we go crazy from time to time
well push my button baby, here I come–I'm at high tide
Laurie Anderson, "Beautiful Red Dress"
Sure, Bachmann would be perfect for a position as Secretary of Women's Business, with authority over Domestic Affairs, so long as the President leads with a firm hand. But it certainly wouldn't be Cabinet level.
China cabinet level, maybe.
Michele is no Huntsman.
"Hey, Michele, thees napkins aren't going to fold themselves!"
Like the government version of the "Ladies' Auxilliary," it would be great fun for them to play at politics, but only as long as they don't neglect their wifely duties, of course.
If God wanted women presidents, He would have given them sweater vests.
Awfully cocky for a man with a woman's name.
“children’s lives would be harmed if the nation had a female president”
Well, if the female President in question were Michele Bachmann, he may have a point. Why should we expect children to escape the impending apocalypse that will consume the adults?
Geez, just get a sex change and it'll be okay.
Easy peesy.
In Michele's case, though, then she'd have Marcus wanting to fuck her. Ewhhh. Not even Preznit is worth THAT.
‘Is it God’s highest desire, that is, his biblically expressed will, … to have a woman rule the institutions of the family, the church, and the state?’
That right there tells you as much as you need to know about the Republican platform.
As my pappy always said, "can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die"
Christ's stigmata? I thought that was, like, forty days.
Nailed it.
But Bachmann's old enough that she probably doesn't do that anymore.
(And yay, you're back after being missing most of the day!)
Ah shucks, you missed me! I'm off work today so cleaning house and making a pot of soup.
That's ephemism for furiously masturbating, of course
That's one of the good sides of my temporary unemployment: much more time for masturbation. Ur, I meant cleaning the apartment, of course.
Are you enjoying a bit of Afternoon Delight? I've been singing that song for 12 hours thanks to you.
soros! i didn't know you were unemployed!
i hope it's good and short (the unemployment, not the afternoon delight).
only five days- damn -that is why I had to have several kinds of lady surgery!
Backward, and in high heels, bitch.
Face it ladies, Jesus loved him some men.
Why do you think Judas betrayed him? It was anger after being dumped for that whore Mary Magdalene.
Mary Magdalene was a guy in drag? Jesus Christ! … Oh, wait.
He had them by the dozen, I heard.
Tebow just blew a load in his jeans.
I'm so happy Brady stomped that little fucker.
So according to the santorum-slicked Johnson, everything that has resulted from the Prime Ministership of Margaret Thatcher, (or "Ofdennis", as Johnson calls her) including all the inspiring of Saint Ronaldus, should be wiped out and restarted at the beginning, since it is the fruit of deeds and arrogant presumption displeasing to God.
Really, people, I think I see a point (just this one, don't get me wrong!) on which we the santorum frosted fanatics can work together!
I sense some jockeying for position here in the teeny-tiny-weenie crowd. Ted Nugent could be in danger of losing his Chairmanship. Watch Ted run out and buy an even bigger gun ASAP.
Are private citizens allowed to legally own Rail Guns?
I want the BFG!
The 9000? hard to get parts for, but very effective. As Phallosubstitutes go.
Legal-Schmegal, Ted prolly has two of them on his ranch in Dumfukistan.
No doubt. Under "Overcompensation" in Webster's Dictionary is a photo of The Nuge.
Eggszakly!
Ted Nugent: America's stupider, violent, less endearing, less talented Nigel Tufnel.
Also.
His gun bangs at volume 11….
Hammer head, meet nail.
I hate that motherfucker.
Goes double for me.
Has he endorsed Ron Paul yet?
About the only thing Bachmann is qualified for is neighborhood cat lady. If that is sexism, you should see me bake cookies.
She collects foster children instead of cats. Crazy Child Lady!
Especially if by "cats" you mean "foster kids."
Decades from now, the legend of "Santa Rum" will attach itself to Christmas lore. On Christmas Eve, Santa Rum goes to the houses of naughty girls, takes away their "candy" pills and bedside toys, then leaves them lots and lots of dolls and a tea set! He seals off their chimneys with bricks until marriage, also.
Women definately need to be more selective about who they allow near their ladyparts. Also, drowning of male offspring that show these propensities (at whatever age) needs to be legalized.
"….Is it God’s highest desire, …."
Hmpt. I figgered God wanted a three-way with Him, Halle Berry and Gisele, jes' like the rest of us red blooded "Merikan boys.
pop out babies? Liz, I suspect if you would take time to check the Wonkette lexicon, you would find that the proper terminology is poop out babies.
No, it's poop out BABBIES.
I sit corrected.
So now the President rules the institution of the church? Care to back that up, fundamentalist Con-sti-too-shun fetishist fuckwit? Apparently if the fundie fuckwits get their man in office, a whole lotta religions are gonna have to pass litmus tests in order to remain in existence, like how Jesus-y they are. That ought to be fun.
EHHH shat up and go eat a jar of fetuses ya poopachino.
Poopachino! I like that.
You dasn't have to call him Johnson…
Clitoral orgasms are a myth and none of the candidates want to talk about it, except maybe Santorum, and I'm going to vote accordingly.
If Santorum finishes last will he drip out of the race?
The male jealousy of women's multiple orgasms rears its ugly head, again.
We all suffer from clit envy, it's true.
Paraphrasing Ben Franklin: clitoris is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.
Actually, I'm pretty sure Ben said that just as I wrote it.
Yep; if I believed in god I'd say the clitoris was proof that he loved women more than men and wanted to give them pleasure that's both more intense and can be quickly repeated, unlike men.
Wow, it must really suck to be a man.
Well, he was a hit with the French ladies.
That's why we fear women! By the time we've cocked and reloaded, you've already fired off a bunch of rounds!
It is the size of your e-mail that counts..no?I would never tell that to Hillary. She got big nuts all men envy.
I'm guessing that photo is Santorum's O-face, what with how dirty and gross the marital relations are at his place.
But you'd never see it. The lights are off every time.
Hard to be elected if you piss off over 1/2 the electorate.
That Susan B. Anthony bitch is to blame for that.
Hey, Wonketteers, I just remembered This.
It seemed Appropriate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Ultimate Santorum Piss-Off Gaffe:
"Just look at what's happened to the Blahs! When you emasculate the men and let the women run everything, the social order falls apart. Then you've got all these babies you can't abort because they're 'life', but that you shouldn't support because that just encourages them. In the endzone of life, the only thing protecting the bended knee of Faith from the thuggery of Salsa dancing is Why Male Christian Leadership."
That's some top quality posting, right there. But there might be a few more blocs of voters it leaves out. We might add:
"As things currently stand, I'm the only true Christian in the race. Mitt – you know this is true, so try on those magic underpants for size."
Thank you, Professor!
oh cripes, now mama grizzly is going to come out of her cave.
thanks, jerk ass frothy fuck wad
Mama Grizzly doesn't come out of her cave for less than $20 so for the time being we are safe.
No, of course not, some lady ate a fruit 5000 years ago and all women are cursed since then. That's pretty much it, nothing you can do about it, elect santorum.
"…to have a woman rule the institutions of the family, the church, and the state?" said Johnson as he licked the last delicious remnants of Santorum off his voluptuous lips.
>Doesn’t Think Women Should Be President or Much Else
I expect he thinks they should be a repository for semen. Although he is a republican, so he probably doesn't even think that.
Look, when Ricky Santorum hires a rentboy, they get on his staff and remain on his staff. At least until motel's check out time, you got it?
Fantastic! The woman who wants to burden America with her weighty but useless moral code is herself bounced out by someone else's even weightier and more useless moral code.
Not that I expect her to see the irony there.
I don't think I like any of these candidates very much at all.
It's probably just a misuse of a couple of commas:
A woman, such as Michele Bachman, should never be president.
A woman such as Michele Bachman should never be president.
And, America doesn't thnk Santorum should be President or Much Else, either, and at the end of the day, that means more than whatever that cretin thinks.
The misogyny is terrible, to be sure, but honestly the creepiest thing about that sentence is pretty subtle. In fact, it hinges on one word:
Seriously, if your vision of the presidency is one of ruling over the American subjects, rather than a leader and representative of of the American citizenry, you're thinking of the wrong form of government.
But then again, that's kinda the point, isn't it.
Or we simply have to encourage more vaginas on women
I'd hit that. Twice.
I learn so much at the Wonkettes.
Here first boyfriend remarked (and I paraphrase) that "this is different from what I have experienced in the past."
Wonder what her response was to that?
This woman is not currently making millions on the porno circuit?
Santorum approves of this idea.
Gah!
You're welcome! And to think, back in the 70s people liked that enough to make it #1. Humans are not known for good taste.
It was that or disco.
That explains Bruno Mars and Flaming Hot Cheetos
I think we can blame America's vapid annoying fratboys trying to seem deep for the success of the entire annoying white*-guy-with-acoustic-guitar genre, all the way back to its' progenitor, Dave Matthews.
*Yes, I know Bruno Mars isn't white; but that's the genre he works in.
That pile of poop is the "power ballad" of the 2000's.
Oh, my–that's even better with the cat carrier, yes.
Do they strap the cat carrier to the roof of their Subaru Forester?
hey, my lesbian friends are dog people!
Once we've shot our load, that's it for a while, while you women can just keep going and going; my experiences when going down on a girl have made me jealous.
If it makes you feel any better know that those women who have been fortunate enough for your oral attention thank you.
Getting to go give oral pleasure is thanks enough, though reciprocity is nice.
After a few pints this weekend I was talking about you to my friend. She said "how cute, you have an internet-husband". My reply was, "nah, he can't be my husband cause I'd want to have sex with him".
The above comments are why.
Yeah, see repubs, that's what a real man thinks of women.
*blush* Well you can be my pretend internet girlfriend then.
And if only we didn't live on opposite sides of the country, *sigh*.
"Why don't you have two penises?"
Stupid flyover states always get in the way.
**MissTaken haz a sad**
Yeah, it's temporary; I'm waiting until we get the next round of documents in the case I'm working on; it should just be a few weeks luckily.
And damn science for not having developed working teleportation yet. *sad face*.
Agreed indeed! Still, the alliterative phrase "cat carrier" makes more funny.
Next you'll tell me her sister's name is Gigawati.
Triplet brothers named Volti, Ohmi, and Ampi?
I'm'a tell her you said that. See if they ever let YOU into the country again.
Hmph! (flounces off all miffed-like)
You're next on the list.
Silly furriners. Don't they know REAL people are all named Biff and Muffy? Those names sound suspiciously like something you'd call the help.
Dood, I just *gay-married* Biff, O-tay?
Gawd, NO! Cats are people, my friend.
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