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MADONNA, MADONNANEW YORK—Well there was an awards ceremony last night! And we spotted former Connecticut senator and Motion Picture Association of America chairman Chris Dodd in the audience, who was looking in especially high spirits—at least considering that his beloved SOPA is dead, or sort of dead, or temporarily “put on a shelf” or whatever it is they say, since bills like this have a long-documented sort of zombie thing about them, seeing as: how many years has it been now that we’ve been hearing how we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger? Which: you morons! Of course we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger! Cheeseburgers don’t come in mp3s!!

So did you know that a super kinky affinity for necrophilia and watersports was a prerequisite for a Republican presidential candidacy? We sure didn’t! But we learned as much over the weekend from Governor Rick Perry, who, in choosing to criticize the administration’s response to that video showing US Marines urinating on the bodies of dead Taliban soldiers instead of, you know, roundly rejecting such a vile act as he probably should have, exposed what we can only assume is a certain weakness on the Governor’s part for giving golden showers to dead people.

Oh Huntsman, we hardly knew ye. Which… we mostly didn’t, actually! Poor guy, he’s probably going to end up being one of the most unmemorable also-rans history, right up there with Bruce Babbit. Or Carol Moseley Braun. Do enjoy yesterday’s ironically timed endorsement from the State arguing that Huntsman could “bring us back together.” Brings us together around Romney, apparently?

Now, we’ve been very critical of Stephen Colbert in recent days, but we’re starting to come around after his appearance this weekend on “This Week.” Our concern was that he’d just make a joke out of this stuff, but it looks to us like there’s actually a fine line between being just a joke and being a really effective mockery. And he’s certainly doing well at making a mockery of all this! So we’re going to hold out hope that this gets people paying attention to real (i.e. serious, actionable) solutions like Bernie Sanders’ constitutional amendment.

And in a similar move, though one which only accidentally makes a mockery of the political process, some clown is “running” for the “democratic nomination” so that he can’t legally be denied the opportunity to ruin your Super Bowl party with a bunch of aborted fetus commercials.

Do you want to pity a rich person today? Sure you do! It’s Monday, after all—who isn’t just swelling with sympathy as they stare down another grueling work week? So here you go, here is a rich person you can feel bad for.

Take that, Mark Zuckerberg: according to one study, at least, it looks like pseudonymous commenters leave the most productive online comments.

So be warned: There is a debate tonight in Myrtle Beach. A debate involving Republicans. Republicans running for president! Which is crazy, right? Seems like we haven’t seen any of those yet. The fun starts at 9pm on your local FOX affiliate. And tonight’s chug word is “vulture.”

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

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