Rick Perry Suspiciously Not THAT Opposed to Peeing on Dead People

  gifzette daily briefing

MADONNA, MADONNANEW YORK—Well there was an awards ceremony last night! And we spotted former Connecticut senator and Motion Picture Association of America chairman Chris Dodd in the audience, who was looking in especially high spirits—at least considering that his beloved SOPA is dead, or sort of dead, or temporarily “put on a shelf” or whatever it is they say, since bills like this have a long-documented sort of zombie thing about them, seeing as: how many years has it been now that we’ve been hearing how we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger? Which: you morons! Of course we wouldn’t download a cheeseburger! Cheeseburgers don’t come in mp3s!!

So did you know that a super kinky affinity for necrophilia and watersports was a prerequisite for a Republican presidential candidacy? We sure didn’t! But we learned as much over the weekend from Governor Rick Perry, who, in choosing to criticize the administration’s response to that video showing US Marines urinating on the bodies of dead Taliban soldiers instead of, you know, roundly rejecting such a vile act as he probably should have, exposed what we can only assume is a certain weakness on the Governor’s part for giving golden showers to dead people.

Oh Huntsman, we hardly knew ye. Which… we mostly didn’t, actually! Poor guy, he’s probably going to end up being one of the most unmemorable also-rans history, right up there with Bruce Babbit. Or Carol Moseley Braun. Do enjoy yesterday’s ironically timed endorsement from the State arguing that Huntsman could “bring us back together.” Brings us together around Romney, apparently?

Now, we’ve been very critical of Stephen Colbert in recent days, but we’re starting to come around after his appearance this weekend on “This Week.” Our concern was that he’d just make a joke out of this stuff, but it looks to us like there’s actually a fine line between being just a joke and being a really effective mockery. And he’s certainly doing well at making a mockery of all this! So we’re going to hold out hope that this gets people paying attention to real (i.e. serious, actionable) solutions like Bernie Sanders’ constitutional amendment.

And in a similar move, though one which only accidentally makes a mockery of the political process, some clown is “running” for the “democratic nomination” so that he can’t legally be denied the opportunity to ruin your Super Bowl party with a bunch of aborted fetus commercials.

Do you want to pity a rich person today? Sure you do! It’s Monday, after all—who isn’t just swelling with sympathy as they stare down another grueling work week? So here you go, here is a rich person you can feel bad for.

Take that, Mark Zuckerberg: according to one study, at least, it looks like pseudonymous commenters leave the most productive online comments.

So be warned: There is a debate tonight in Myrtle Beach. A debate involving Republicans. Republicans running for president! Which is crazy, right? Seems like we haven’t seen any of those yet. The fun starts at 9pm on your local FOX affiliate. And tonight’s chug word is “vulture.”

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

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153 comments

  1. memzilla

    Gubbnuh Goodhair Perry probably got hazed into his fraternity the same way as those corpses got hazed into Allah-land. And he hasn't denied it.

    I think a Rick Perry Urinal Target would make a great item on eBay.

    1. Pithaughn

      Our southern brethern are quick with the colloquialisms. Like " I wouldn't piss down Obama's throat if his stomach was on far" Actual quote from a co-worker who is a retired "peace" officer. There is a small dent in the floor to this day from my chin. You have to get just the right angle but it's there.

  2. Negropolis

    If Preznit Purry was preznit, he'd train and order our boys to shit on them Talibanz! All of 'em, Katie! Back to Iraq, 2012! Yee-fuckin'-haw!

    Remember, y'all. Gurvnur Purry is a good, Christian boy. Piss for Jesus, Piss for Christ, Piss for 'Merka. These is good ole fashioned, god furin' American Values.

  3. paris biltong

    Also, as far as historical precedents are concerned, besides the urinating exploits of Patton and Churchill, Lord Baden Powell is reputed to have peed on BOTH the Boers AND the Zulus and yet, boy scouts help old ladies cross the street.

    1. Nesnora

      People who think they are merely temporarily embarrassed millionaires do this. Delusional pride is gross to watch, unless you have popcorn of course.

  4. MrFizzy

    As much of a certifiable retard as he is, he's speaking the truth for once. He could add that this goddamned war that W started has created insanity in otherwise decent human beings. Let's see, who has a bunch of healthy sons who are of military age? Hmmmm……

      1. MrFizzy

        I was thinking of a certain mormon. It would be great to see a few Bushes in a war zone, but based on the (recent) historical record, I'm not holding my breath.

        1. KenLayIsAlive

          Ah, they sent Prince Harry down there, no problems. It will be just like life in America for them: anything they want and a platoon of secret service agents having their back.

  5. Negropolis

    The GOP is gonna hold a debate in Myrtle Beach, eh?

    Just send them down to Charleston Harbor, let them go full wing-nut, and call it a day, okay? They can then ship them to Afghanistan, and no one will have lost any.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Myrtle Beach? Really? Are they all going to take Hooters Airlines to get there? Will the debate in fact take place in a Hooters?

  6. freakishlywrong

    Repubs have yet to figure out these "debates" are comedy gold. And I've yet to hear a peep about jerbs. (Not that I watch, Wonkett watches for me over there so I don't have to watch over here).

    1. Mojopo

      I think the implication is that their shovel ready, execution-style electrical fence would create the jerbs. Once we dump every US citizen into a fence jerb, all kinds of openings will pop up for more foreign students at colleges (yuck, edjamacayshun!) and we'll generate dough by issuing more genius visas. Win-win.

  7. Beowoof

    I have always viewed Mr. Perry as a fan of the "water sports". I think his comment just confirms that.

  8. Baconzgood

    You would think they would wisen up to having debates by now. Speaking to the American people only hurts their chances for votes.

      1. Negropolis

        With how much Wonketteers seem to drink all on their own, I don't think they worry much about brain cells. lol It almost seems to be a hobby to figure out how many we can kill.

          1. Negropolis

            I love the number Eleven-teen. There are so many good numbers the normal world is missing out on like Twerve, Sixy, and Vingteen. I'm also kind of partial to Haight, Fyne, and Twhen.

  9. SorosBot

    Oh good, the GOP debates are the funniest show on FOX now that the Simpsons has turned to crap…

    (…wait, that's not an intentional comedy?)

  10. Baconzgood

    He said he there wasn't anything "illegal" about it…..UUUUUUUUHHHH I'm pretty sure desecrating a corpse is against the law.

    1. Barrelhse

      I hope he stays in the race, he's so fucking stupid it has to hurt the GOP brand.
      On second thought, probably not.

  11. Goonemeritus

    On NPR this morning Huntsman was described as the “Reasonable Intelligent candidate”. I ask you can anything more damning be said about a Republican running for office. It is no wonder why the base finds NPR so partisan.

    1. SorosBot

      And yet the guy's still an asshole and a moron, but campaigning against the rest of the Republicans yes he does seem reasonable and intelligent by comparison.

    2. hollywooddood

      Oh, I don't know about that. Huntsman is a proponent of Ryancare, a flat tax, and even said he would be VP for Crazy Eyes Bachmann.

      That sounds pretty fucking unreasonable to me.

        1. Rotundo_

          When the cream of the crop is a floater like Huntsman, the crop is truly amazing. Unfortunately for the GOP all they have left is nutters, they've driven the "moderate" republicans out of the party and are left with Birchers and grifters and other lower life forms. Some enterprising soul should throw a belt around Buckley as he spins in the grave, it could probably power a good sized town.

    3. Nostrildamus

      A few days ago NPR describe Huntsman as "moderate" because he "believes in evolution". Amusing, but very, very sad.

  12. Negropolis

    If a Jon Huntsman, Jr. falls on the campaign trail, and no one is around to hear him, does he make a sound?

  13. Chichikovovich

    In fairness to Perry, I think he's just trying to clarify what the lines are in this foggy area of the rules of war. So for example, I remember when two American soldiers were killed and their bodies dragged naked through the streets during the "Black Hawk Down" – memorialized raid in Mogadishu. Photos were posted on the internet, naturally displayed 24/7 on the news and got front page coverage on all our newspapers. Predictable howls of outrage ensued from the expected quarters, and those howls contributed significantly to the removal of all American forces from Somalia. So you can kill them – sure, it's war, that happens – but not drag them naked through the streets. Got it.

    It's good to know that if instead some bunch of Somalians had just gathered and videoed themselves urinating on Shugart and Gordon Perry, Hannity, Rush, etc. would have been A-OK with that.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm so glad that there aren't any rules in war. Who needs the fuckin' Geneva Convention? We shouldn't even try, because "war in is hell." Hell, we should make it a practice and military training to desecrate each others corpses, you know, really ratchet shit up, because war inevitably turns our citizens back into common animals, anyway. We should definitely speed along the process. Waterboarding? More! Abu Ghraib? Yes please; may I have another?

      1. SorosBot

        Well according to the previous administration the Geneva Conventions are just quaint and outdated (and I think there was a subliminal "because they were made when we were fighting other white people" – or was that just me?).

  14. MzNicky

    "So did you know that a super kinky affinity for necrophilia and watersports was a prerequisite for a Republican presidential candidacy?"

    Uh, Duh? I thought everyone knew that.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      That would make an even better urinal target., especially the "executive" version.

      That's the first time I've written the word "executive" in connection with Perry. I hope it will be the last, but I wonder if it is where he got the idea that his job was primarily executing people? That's how a box of rocks would think.

    2. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Hey, my comment got through! Either the moderator is an idiot or has a sense of humor.

      "Does it come with diapers?"

  15. cheaphits

    After spending billions on public relations in Afghanistan, with billions more to come, how can we help now but to win their hearts and minds?

    Comments like Parry's, put the "ugly" in American.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I like to use my John Rocha Black Cut Decanter by Waterford Crystal to apply the precious pee. It is a ceremonial type of event.

  16. BS4Dummies

    Perry just got bitch slapped in his own home state this weekend with evangelicals announcement of their endorsement of Santorum…….the moral of the story is: that's how you pee on a dead corpse Perry.

  17. jus_wonderin

    "Why aren't stories like this being told? I'm glad the Times dug into the 1% more deeply, but this group is still being tared with a broad brush. It is not accurate or fair."

    Need I bold more?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Pretty embarrassing for that guy that he can't even spell "tazed".

      And instead of writing "still being" he should have written "ought to be".

      And before "with a broad brush" he obviously forgot the entire phrase "and tarred and feathered with".

      That's a lot of mistakes in just one sentence. If one of my students handed something like that in, I'd bring down the "D" hammer like that.

  18. ElPinche

    With no Cain, no Huntsman (the Brian Kilmeade of the candidates), no Bachmann, I'd rather watch sea sponges fuck on the science channel.

  19. chascates

    And the cruelest blow of all: Dublin Dr. Pepper (Dublin, Texas) lost their fight with the national Dr. Pepper/Snapple conglomerate and will no longer make their incredibly great cane sugar version of Dr. Pepper. Dublin also made cane sugar versions of Big Red and NuGrape.
    High fructose corn syrup for all, tiny American flags for some. http://kutnews.org/post/dublin-dr-peppers-demise-

  20. Negligently_Joe

    Guys, remember when desecrating corpses was so obviously beyond the pale that it would basically go without saying that it was Wrong and Disgraceful?

    Fuck, remember when TORTURE was?

    1. C_R_Eature

      "9/11 changed Everything", remember? George W. Bush would have pissed on those corpses himself (if they were out in back of a bar in Arkansas) and Dick Cheney would have hired the Best People to go and do it for him.

      Seriously, not exactly the way to win over Hearts & Minds and a big Gimmee to Karzai to Bloviate about.

    2. prommie

      When you are feeling angsty because it seems the world is going to hell in a handbasket, it is comforting to remember that "it has always been thus." Have you never heard of the ears and fingers that our fine Vietnam war draftees would cut off the dead "gooks" that they had killed? Are you unaware that during WW II (the Good War) the US military had to put a stop to the practice of cutting the heads off of Japanese bodies, and boiling them to remove the flesh, and then mailing home the nice, clean "Jap" skull? There is a non-profit outfit dedicated to the purpose of returning these skulls to Japan, even. People have always sucked every bit as much and exactly in the same ways that people suck now. Don't you feel better?

  21. Chet Kincaid

    8:3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery, in the very act,

    8:4 And said unto him, "Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?"

    8:5 And speaking not, Jesus unbundled his loins and watered the harlot, and following, wrote his name in the dust,

    8:6 Then sayeth, "Go thou and do likewise."

  22. Eve8Apples

    That's where aborted fetus ads belong — nestled among the godaddy.com, Budweiser, Tostitos and Pepsi commercials. How about a group of Clydesdale horses kicking an aborted fetus through the snow? Or show the Godaddy tramp getting an abortion at halftime? Can't wait to see how the fellas at Hooters react to that.

    1. Rotundo_

      I'm just hoping that it's so mind blowingly disgusting and over the top that the fundies go: "I sent those people 20 bucks for this?!!" after they blow chunks all over the living room carpet, their children start setting fires in the house to get back at them for scarring them for life, etc. But it will probably be some sweet little baby with no fetus blenders or anything icky like they wave all over the place at clinics. Assholes.

  23. NewtsUndies

    Serious, snark free question. If you click through to the story on Perry he is quoted as saying "Churchill did the same thing". I know Churchill was very racist but is Perry saying he oissed on corpses? I'd like to see the evidence of this. Or am I misreading this?

  24. Chet Kincaid

    10:30 And Jesus said, "A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

    10:31 "And a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

    10:32 "And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and gave him two pence.

    10:33 "And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw them, unbundled his loins and watered the man and Samaritan."

    10:34 Then said Jesus, "Go, and do thou likewise."

    1. DahBoner

      Hard to believe there's a drought in Texass, what with the way rich people down there been pissing on the poor…

  25. Smithboy

    What's happening to us as a nation? Remember when all arabs were considered sub-humans as pointed out by Limbaugh, Hannity and Pam Geller? Remember when an, "Accidental" drone strike killing innocent men, women and children in Pakistan or Yemen was shrugged off as collateral damage, which as you know, happens in all wars?

    Now, you can't even piss on dead arabs or kill an Iranian scientist without some do-gooder creating an uproar. Rick, whose version of an American Idol is GW Bush, only wants to corner the market on the "Our country right or wrong" and neocon Americans who are pushing this country to re-invade Iraq. I mean give the man credit for thinking this thing through, what could possibly go wrong with sending our troops back into Iraq?

  26. BTWBFDIMHO

    Matt, you put the Golden Globes and the Golden Showers in the same article. Are you a subliminal Paultard?

    1. SorosBot

      If I ever go to California, I definitely want to stop at Richard Nixon's and Ronald Reagan's graves with a full bladder for each.

      1. GOPCrusher

        History is pissing on Richard Nixon's grave on a daily basis. Me? I want to turn Ronald Reagan's grave into an EPA Superfund cleanup site.

  27. ttommyunger

    Myrtle Beach? Wow! I'm atingle with anticipation over which one of these dickwads will roar onto the stage on a Harley a la John Kerry. I hope it's Newt. I need to have someone knock Kerry off of the "Who Looks Least at Home on a Harley" top spot.

  28. ttommyunger

    BTW, Wonkette, could you please remove Janet N.'s pix as soon as possible? People are eating here. Thanx.

  29. DahBoner

    Desecrating corpses is such fun for Republicans, what with it being illegal and against Marine Corps values and all.

    But why wait for a corpse?

    MAKE IT RAIN MOTHERFUCKERS THE GOLDEN CALF OF MORMON RAIN ON ME…

  30. mavenmaven

    Perry's bid for the presidency apparently was just a big S&M humiliation kick for himself, he is clearly ensuring that he leaves the race without a single shred of dignity left.

  31. natoslug

    If they're just kids, what the fuck are they doing in a war zone? Does anybody have the conservapedopedia link for the story of Churchill pissing on dead Afghanis, because I can't seem to find it anywhere.

    1. Negropolis

      Isn't that that thing conservatives beat women, minorities and gays with that challenge them or even just look at them funny?

  32. MissTaken

    "I observed the odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from Mr. Smith’s breath"

    Based on that picture I suspect the officer also observed the odor of an engorged penis coming from Mr. Smith's breath.

  33. GOPCrusher

    Kind of has that camp counselor that likes to make after hours visits to the boys only cabin look to him, doesn't he?

  34. C_R_Eature

    The User thanks you for your opinion and upon reflection has realized that the aforementioned comment was, in fact, Too Soon and promised to do better in the future. Of course, when Alcohol gets in the mix all bets are off.

  35. natoslug

    My daughter was on that ship two years ago and says they did a much better job that cruise. She was quite impressed by the lack of sinking and death.

  36. C_R_Eature

    Try and substitute Rude & Naughty lyrics. If you have to have a song stuck in your head, might as well laugh at it.

  37. GOPCrusher

    My preferred destroyer of annoying earworms is The Bloodhound Gang, The Ballad Of Chasey Lain.
    Guaranteed to bring a smile to my face every time.

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