THOSE ARE SOME GOOD DRUGS Y'ALL  4:15 pm January 13, 2012

Rick Perry Forgets U.S. Agency Name Again, Tries To Call On Mannequin

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Someone get this guy some flash cards.

Early-onset dementia poster child Rick Perry is still, STILL waging his quixotic battle to correctly and consistently identify the same three federal agencies he is proposing to excise from government ever since that magical debate performance last November. This is apparently a MENSA-level test question for a Texas governor. Perry got a slow-pitch softball from a radio interviewer essentially requiring him only to repeat from his stump speech the words “commerce, education, energy” in response and not necessarily in that order, and yet he nonetheless dug up “commerce, interior and energy” instead. ALMOST HAD IT THAT TIME. Perhaps sensing that even this type of questioning was too rigorous, Perry went to a campaign stop in South Carolina today, looked out at the audience, and then decided to call on a mannequin with its hand raised.

Ha ha, from the best Department of all, the one of Things That Actually Happened:

After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period — a spirited political discussion broke out in the restaurant, with some patrons waving Nobama ’12 bumper stickers.

TO BE FAIR, we too would have wanted to field questions from more of an “intellectual equal” such as a chunk of fiberglass after battling through this interview, via ABC News:

When asked to name and provide the number of federal departments he’d eliminate as president, Texas Gov. Rick Perry managed to list three, but they weren’t the three agencies he consistently names on the stump or that he attempted to name when he committed his now infamous “oops” moment.

“Three right off the bat, you know, commerce, interior and energy are three that you think,” Perry said during a radio interview with Bill Edwards on WTKS Radio in Savannah.

Perry made no mention of the Department of Education, one of the agencies he consistently rails against on the campaign trail, until Edwards asked Perry later in the interview if he’d eliminate that department as well.

Do you think Rick Perry ever worries he’s going to space out so hard one day that he chews his tongue to shreds instead of remembering to eat? [LA Times/ ABC News]

 
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{ 246 comments }

nounverb911 January 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm

"Early-onset dementia poster child Rick Perry"
Perry got his dream, he is just like Reagan and Thatcher.

OneDollarJuana January 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Don't forget Charlton Heston.

Barb January 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Rick Perry is simpler than the operating instructions for a hinge.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:22 pm

And that is just a single hinge, right Barb?

Barb January 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Yep.

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

They have married hinges?

Dr_Zoidberg January 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Yes, but not gay-married.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Like W, could never quite get the handle on opening a door either.

Barb January 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Midvale School for the Gifted.

Dashboard_Jesus January 14, 2012 at 2:19 am

OMG made me spit wine thru my nose…that's my favorite Far Side ever and I think of it and LOL every time I push on a door marked pull! http://comedycontinent.blogspot.com/2010/10/midva

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I don't know man sometimes doors can be a bit tweaky, don't under estimate them.

Donner, Party of 1 January 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Don't misunderestimate them, you mean.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm

err…no..maybe…what do I mean.. because you proposing a double negative cancelling each other resulting underestimation and possible mass carnage of the door using section of society.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I have this misty memory of an Aunt that got caught in a revolving door.

It is apparently true that after suficient time has passed, one is able to forget and move on. Time; it heals.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:05 pm

I don't know, that sounds like a memory to cherish, like all the great mammaries I cherish.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

"don't under estimate them"

Do not taunt Happy Fun Door!

Dr_Zoidberg January 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I love you, and I'm totally stealing this.

Barb January 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I just heard a new meme. To "Romney" -defecate in terror, as his dog did on the roof of his car. <—–steal this and spread it, please.

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Spread like santorum? Yew.

Biff January 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Yes, that's the name of the website: http://spreadingromney.com/

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 8:46 pm

all the best republican memes involve voiding.

ShaveTheWhales January 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm

The thought of President Perry makes me romney.

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Like when ya Mitt your pants?

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I still like my "Romnelesence", which I've defined as the state in which one loses even whilst technically in the process of winning. The secondary definition is the state in which one renders themself completely ineffective and irrelevant in a task/action in which they are leading.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Did you put it in the Urban Dictionary? Because if not …

tcaalaw January 14, 2012 at 8:56 am

Rick Perry is simpler than the operating instructions for a hinge.

That would explain why the Texas governor's mansion only has sliding doors.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Perry forget education because he never had a proper one.

Chillwillard January 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Not True. At Texas A&M, he learned how to properly build a giant bonfire. Well, maybe not…

prommie January 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

What do you call a tragic bonfire mishap that kills a dozen Aggies?

A good start.

Chillwillard January 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Too soon, Prommie, too soon…

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I'd say I was speechless, if, indeed I were, but I'm not.

MzNicky January 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

A mannequin? Was Callista Gringrinch in the audience?

snackypants January 13, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Maybe it was one of those Real Dolls.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

No, those can easily be distinguished from Callista. The Real Dolls have:
a) less plastic
b) the hint of a facial expression
c) a lifelike gleam in the eye

Oblios_Cap January 14, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Watch it! She'll poke your eyes out.

savethispatient January 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Look, the brain can only hold so much information; some more than others, it appears. If you walk up to Perry and tell him a fact, there is a 10% chance he'll forget how to stand up.

MzNicky January 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

He's got all those things twirlin' around in his head. Sorta like one of those clear plastic lottery-number boxes with the ping-pong balls ricocheting all around.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I want to say, "ZOMG, that's SO cruel!" but I'm LOLing too hard.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:39 am

The Rs in general don't react very well to facts.

GuanoFaucet January 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

When asked what government agencies he wants to eliminate, Perry should take a cue from that other moron (former) governor and just say: "All of them, Katie." Problem fucking solved.

NorthStarSpanx January 13, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Well you know, Obama has the audacity to want to try and go in there and progress the growin of the government by upping the SBA to a cabinet level position so perhaps folks are wanting to know if the President can set such a mandation. So Rick Perry would be wise to get in there and curb this spendin of dollars to regulate and shove small business down the free markets Reagan's throat.

MzNicky January 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Also besides: Is that young Ricky Perrah in that photo, all dressed up in his Hitler youth costume? ai-yi-yi.

OkieDokieDog January 13, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Love that photo of swashbuckle Hitler Youth Perry.

RedneckMuslin January 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

But what was the mannequin's question? Surely, with the highest IQ in the room, it had the most intelligent question.

And why did Rick call her Shirley? I can call you Rick, right?

capnhuggyface January 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

the mannequin asked if Rick likes movies with Andrew McCarthy

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Perry was un-nerved by her stonewalling…normally the ladies love him..a certain kind of lady..he just so handsome.

SoBeach January 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

God told Rick Perry to run. I think it's about time for God to show a little mercy and tell Rick he was just fucking with him.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

God works in hilarious ways.

RedneckMuslin January 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

It was really his Dog talking to him. His Raygun's Disease is really getting bad.

Dashboard_Jesus January 14, 2012 at 2:24 am

reminds me of an old joke…what do you call a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia? someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really IS a dog (badaboom!)

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I think god told him to run because he figured we could all use some laughs; Bachmann too.

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Ah, hahahahahahaahhah.

OkayI'mdonetheycangoawaynow.

emmelemm January 13, 2012 at 6:02 pm

The God these asswipes believe in knows no mercy.

tealsheart January 13, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Why does god keep talking to these loosers?

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm

"Uuuuh eommercey, ceducation, the thingy-ma-jig that does stuff about making things go and light up."

-Lunk Head Perry-

NellCote71 January 13, 2012 at 6:49 pm

God was giving us Texans a break. Thank you, God.

littlebigdaddy January 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"Squat n' gobble"…sounds like Ricky's favorite passtime.

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. It could have been Kim Cattrall.

CapnFatback January 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Jinx! Buy me a coke in a Squat 'n' Gobble jumbo-sized souvenir cup!

BarackMyWorld January 13, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm

I know what it's going to be and I'M NOT CLICKING A STARSHIP SONG!

BarackMyWorld January 13, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Fair enough.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:20 pm

No, she had clothes on.

CapnFatback January 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

To be fair, it was a mannequin of Kim Cattrall.

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Oh damn. Right buy each other. You and I should have a beer and play some pool.

Chillwillard January 13, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I bet he'll never forget "Esteban," the name of his first lover…

Btw, Wonkette: you seriously need a new young Perry pic. How about this one(to the left)?

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Perry used to be to the left? What happened?

Graham Cracker January 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

The dog is definitely the smartest one in that picture.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:20 pm

"What's that Lassie? You say Ricky is fucking up wildly in a televised debate?"

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:23 pm

The fuck is he wearing in the left photo? Is there a casting call for an "Archie" movie or something?

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Ron Howard's dream!

Donner, Party of 1 January 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Perry has fried his mind with poppers.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:43 am

The good kind or the kind with jalapeno in them?

kissawookiee January 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

In all fairness, "Squat N' Gobble" sounds more like a santorum moment gone horribly, horribly wrong.

comrad_darkness January 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Rick was pro-Rememberin' before he was pro-Forgettin'.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Rick is a flip-flopper. At least that is what Esteban says. (^^^^CW, I had to borrow Esteban from your post for a sec.)

MissTaken January 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That was nice of Rick to call on the mannequin. She had been standing there with her hand raised for a very long time.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That mannequin managed to outsmart him.

chascates January 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The 'Squat n' Gobble' is know for its gotcha questions. Down the road at the 'Drop n' Dump' he'll find a lot more receptive people.

DrunkIrishman January 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm

He was hoping to have an Andrew McCarthy-Kim Cattrall moment.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Or. Charlie McCarthy. Rick, with hope above hope, she'd put her hand up his butt.

MissTaken January 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Would Andrew McCarthy – Jonathan Silverman work? Because Rick is as well-spoken as a corpse.

WinterOuthouse January 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Perry challenged at 46 ounce T-Bone to a duel and . . .

Nostrildamus January 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm

… the govenorship was at steak?

Mahousu January 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I like this coy bit at the end of the Times article: It was resolved, it seemed, after they determined that someone had left without paying their bill – and a Perry staffer agreed to pick up the tab. Since Perry was the only one who had left, I think I know who that "someone" is.

CapnFatback January 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

The real problem arose when the staffer attempted to pay in "Nomaba '12" bumper stickers.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

"Since Perry was the only one who had left, I think I know who that "someone" is."

"Somebody gonna get hurt!" — Russell Peters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I'm starting to think that "Rick Perry" is in fact an elaborate performance piece, and that by the end of his campaign, he will appear naked on stage at a debate, covering himself in chocolate syrup.

That or it will be revealed that "Rick Perry" is the greatest gag that Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert ever came up with.

It has to be one or the other, right?

prommie January 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Sacha Baron-Cohen.

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Or in Perry's case, Sucha Barren-Colon.

Rotundo_ January 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It'll feature Michele and Palin as well and then Bristol will loudly yell: "The Aristocrats"

SoBeach January 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Perfect. That'll carry me through my whole weekend. Thanks.

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm

As funny as this story is, I really wish that Rick Santorum would have made an appearance at the Squat N Gobble. Oh the noble snarks we Wonkers would have had…

cheaphits January 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

That Texas money, supporting him probably ordered him to throw the Energy Department in the mix…that's how he got where he is…"just following orders", as in "shut-up and do what yer told, dumbass".

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

Ooh! Ooh!
You know who ELSE was just following orders?

cheaphits January 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

Davy Crockett?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Perry does have a point, though. Who needs a Department of the Interior. What does the government have to do with what I keep in my living room? Are they just trying to compete with Target and Wal-Mart? Bad government! Bad!

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Miche1e would have abolished the Department of the Interior and replaced it with the Department of the Interior Decorator.

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

With Marcus as Secretary, obvs.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 13, 2012 at 5:08 pm

That would be FABULOUS!!!

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm

You know he picks her clo'es, right? Yup. She was bragging about the darling little pair of white shoes he got that just perfectly matched her little white jacket (After Labour Day! NO white shoes AFTER Labour Day!).

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

Then she could hire a couple of Mafia guys to chase the interior decorator through the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

The only interiors the GOP thinks are the government's business are the interiors of women's uteruses (or is that uteri?).

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 8:51 pm

i don't know, my bathroom kinda needs a government bailout.

MaxNeanderthal January 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Anyone who thinks he looks good dressed as a Sturmbannfuhrer from an SS cavalry regiment is gonna struggle with advanced concepts of 21st century government. Wait till someone asks him about the judiciary/executive demarcation, or, quelle horreur, (as the Romney can say), separation of church and state…..

smokefillednewyear January 13, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Rick and the Real Mannequin

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm

That mannequin was a vast left wing plant

MzNicky January 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

From the link: "Perry, dressed in khakis and a blue fleece with his name embroidered on it…"

Good idea. In case he forgets his own name, or gets lost.

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

In case he got lost inside his sweater?

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm

WIN!!!

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm

You are jus too kind. Thanks!

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:52 am

"In case he forgets his own name, or gets lost."

I thought it was so his craigslist pickups can find him.

Donner, Party of 1 January 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Didn't we already try a twangy texas governor pilot idiot as president with disastrous results? I could be misberermbing.

whiskeybaby January 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Is you learning?

Donner, Party of 1 January 13, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Who has time to learn? I spend all my time putting food on my family.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 9:44 pm

And here I thought you were practicing your love with wimminz all across this great country.

Rotundo_ January 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Dubya was a towering intellect next to this one. Rick would make us long for the days Dubya was "in charge".

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Sweet jeebus, no. NOTHING will ever make me forget that hapless moron and his witless ways. NUFFINK!

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

"Didn't we already try a twangy texas governor pilot idiot as president with disastrous results?"

I'm afraid you're mistaken. Dumbya wasn't a pilot. Dumbya wasn't a pimple on a pilot's ass. They gave him a bunch of flight simulator video games, and he'd get all coked up and play them for manically for hours. It subjected them all to that annoying giggle, but it was better than letting him anywhere near a real plane. Those things are expensive.

RedneckMuslin January 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

We'll be waiting for a while. It ain't gonna happen.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Is that a brown shirt those Aggies wear?

BigDumbRedDog January 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

It was a black mannequin and they put it in the front row to show what broad appeal Ricky has.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

"broad appeal"

So, it was a woman? A black woman?

Veritas78 January 13, 2012 at 8:01 pm

It would be better described as a "blah" woman — most mannequins are.

Blueb4sunrise January 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Next: Town Hall at Madame Tussauds

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Too many gotcha questions.

Veritas78 January 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Perfect! Perry could finally wax eloquent.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 9:45 pm

He certainly couldn't *wane* any further in the eloquence department.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:24 pm

nor i the polls.

banana_bread January 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

He'll think it's a celebrity fundraiser.

CapnFatback January 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period

She simply wanted to know if Perry defined marriage as being between a man and a mannequin.

CapnFatback January 14, 2012 at 12:09 am

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Model #34762!

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

"wanted to know if Perry defined marriage as being between a man and a mannequin."

No, that's Newt.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Is there a requirement that all restaurants in the South have weird, slightly unappetising names? Squat and Gobble? Lizard's Thicket? Good God, they probably still have Sambos down there, next to the Cracker Barrel.

Rotundo_ January 13, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Squat and gobble? sounds like somewhere you eat while seated on a toilet. Let me guess, an all you can eat type place?

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Gobble, Go, and Gas.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I thought it was a house of porn.

OkieDokieDog January 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Reminds me of the convenience store chain in Oklahoma called Kum 'N Go.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Haha. I nearly forgot about that unfortunately named place.

There is also, in Broken Arrow, a boat shop called "Triple K Marine". Yeah, you figure that one out.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:58 am

Unfortunately, the convenience stores in NJ are Wawa Markets (yes, that's their actual name), so for once, I'm snarkless.

snackypants January 15, 2012 at 11:44 am

A friend of mine told me about a chain of tobacco shops in Kentucky known as "Cox Smokers."

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 8:52 pm

i remember an 'eat and putt' somewhere in travels. midwest? midwestern canada? these are the only places we drove.

BigDumbRedDog January 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Squat n gobble? WTF?!

BornInATrailer January 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

This, I don't understand.

Also, calling on a mannequin is all kinds of awesome.

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Ya know, come to think of it, this might be a plank in his platform. Mannequin Rights. Because, millions of mannequins the world over are repeatedly undressed and dressed against their will.

Rick has sincere interest in their plight. And, think of the votes!

NellCote71 January 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Here's the problem with the mannequin idea, the Repugs already have Romney.

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Do you squat & gobble or do you gobble while servers squat over you?

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

It's a convenience store, like 7-11 or AM/PM.

MissTaken January 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

“One size fits all doesn’t work. Well maybe it does in gym socks but it sure doesn’t in how we educate our children.”

I don't think it works in gym socks,either.

BigDumbRedDog January 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

As a lady with small feet I must insist that it definitly does not work. Not at all.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

As a man with big feet I would have to concur.

MissTaken January 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You know what they say about a guy with big feet?

Big socks.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Let me assure you, it's true; I've been complimented on the size of my socks.

mavenmaven January 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm

That's why they keep him in the debates, to make the other jerks look "smart".

jus_wonderin January 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Mannequin Libel!!!!! (I have actually never done that before.)

Indiepalin January 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Shemp?

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I fucking hate to admit this but that pic does something to me. Must be the boots.

TeaNuts January 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm

If only I was gay and Fascist, I would be all over that!

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I'm off to take several cold showers.

Callyson January 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Perry, dressed in khakis and a blue fleece with his name embroidered on it
Because sweater vests are for wusses…

OneYieldRegular January 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

You mean all of his supporters aren't mannequins?

smokefillednewyear January 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Now it's being updated that it really didn't happen that way. However, I'll just continue to maintain that he did indeed call on a mannequin.

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm

They can spin it till the cows come home, but only with Perry would anyone assume he did indeed call on a mannequin. He's burnt through any benefit of the doubt.

Chichikovovich January 13, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Fact is, even if he had done it, calling on the mannequin wouldn't even make the list of the ten dumbest things he did or said that afternoon.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

Story on Fox that the mannequin was a librul conspiracy to make Perry LOOK stupid in 3…
2…

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I have questions about the people who pay Rick Perry:

* Do they pay him to be that stupid?
* Do they understand how stupid he is? if so, why do they continue to pay him?
* Did they want an extra stupid man to shovel money to, for some nefarious reason?
* Did they set up an extra stupid man Search Committee, or is Rick Perry
the result of some unorthodox Captive Breeding program?

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'll field this:

*Actully yes
*No, with the present understanding of theoretical mathematics one can not calculate his level of stupidity, (part two see next answer)
*It's an elaborate ruse to help this country get through these trying times. A comedy performance art of you will.
*The search for the right kind of Rick Perry stupid was long and hard, but luckily for us he was stumbled over at a carnival trying to guess the weight of a funnel cake that some small girl was holding.

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm

So, you're telling me that Rick Perry arose out of the population naturally?

That's the scariest thing that I've heard today. What if there are more?

I don't think Civilization can handle that kind of stress. We have enough going on.

Jukesgrrl January 13, 2012 at 10:46 pm

What if there are more? Many of them have their own TV shows.

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 11:47 pm

"Tonight, on FOX…"

"HUHHHHHHHHHDUHHHHHHHHURRRRRRRDURRRRRRR"

Yes. Yes I see.

JohnyEdge January 13, 2012 at 5:11 pm

As someone who pays Rick Perry (a citizen of the Great State of Texas) I can only respond:

Dunno.

Rotundo_ January 13, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Yes
Absolutely, it is a plus in Texas politics and it makes him more malleable.
Yes, Dubya was just too damned smart for his own good and theirs
Texas A&M takes care of these sorts for the state of Texas and any group needing sincerely stupid people to place in positions of authority. As for unorthodox captive breeding, visit the campus and all your questions regarding how orthodox or not the breeding of Aggies might be.

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Stockbreeding Stupidity at Texas A & M you say? That is a relief!

I was afraid this was a sign of Adaptive Evolution. It still hasn't been proven that Intelligence has any true long term survival value for a species. I really don't want to see a stupid but better-adapted organism arise to supplant us . At least, not yet.

No need for a Site Visit, I think. I have enough nightmares as it is.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

"is Rick Perry the result of some unorthodox Captive Breeding program?"

I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure that ass-fucking some total stranger who put an ad on craigslist will *not* produce viable offspring.

C_R_Eature January 14, 2012 at 10:17 am

Well that's a relief! About Ass-Fucking and Offspring, I mean. I'd really hate to have to go and revise the SOP. The peer review process takes forever.

TeaNuts January 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

We are going to look back on these as "The good Old Wonkette Days" goina miss these Geriatric One Percenters.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

OT but you know how Santorum likes to talk about how his grandfather fled the fascists in Italy? Well the reason that he fled was because he was a Communist:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/01/11/

Rotundo_ January 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Wow, the circle is complete, Commie escapes fascists, Commie meets girl, falls in love, sires fascist. How touching, or should that be groping?

arihaya January 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm

if it was Obama's gram-pa that was a Communist, teabaggers will impeach him now

mavenmaven January 13, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I wish you hadn't made me slightly more sympathetic to the Santorum family…

SorosBot January 14, 2012 at 9:58 am

Well it makes me feel sympathetic to the Santorums in Italy – the American Santorums, not so much.

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 8:59 pm

how is this tool even italian? i mean i know they have catholics and popes and opus dei and berlusconi and shit, but seriously, this is the most dessicated descendant of a grand tradition ever.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Jesus fucking Christ. This is the saddest turnabout ever. That family must just be hanging it's head in shame.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:13 am

"how Santorum likes to talk about how his grandfather fled the fascists in Italy?"

*screams at sky*
NOOOOOOO!!!!!

That leotarded assbag doesn't *deserve* to be Italian!!
I have a friend who grew up in Limerick, Ireland who says that Bully O'Reilly is unworthy of the O in his name.
*melodramatic gesture*
Today, I share his pain.

not that Dewey January 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I had surmised that, since he apparently preferred FDR's policies to those of Mussolini, that he wasn't exactly a Santorum by modern standards. But this is good. Strong work.

WhatTheHeck January 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I’d say he’s perfect for the republiklan party.

flamingpdog January 13, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Maybe Ricky would rise in the polls if he just took one of those boots and wore it on his head.

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm

You have to admit Vermin's platform makes more sense than anything that comes out of any of the GOP candidates' mouths.

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

BTW, who eats at a place named "Squat N'Gobble"? Ugh.
Oh wait, it's SC. Nevermind.

Generation[redacted] January 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Welcome to Santorum Country.

Thurman Munster IV January 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Give him a silver helmet and he'd look just like Howard Campbell. Not that Rick's a Nazi or anything.

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Give him a purple helmet and he'll be a happy camper.

meatlofer January 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

His brain on a razor blade,is compareable to a BB on an interstate.

Guppy January 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Wait wait wait…

I can wrap my head around a Teabagger candidate wanting to shut down Education, Energy, and Interior. I know of the conspiracy theories, etc.

But Commerce!? This motherfucker is the governor of a Gulf state, and he wants to shut down the National Hurricane Center!?

I think this may be my aneurysm moment of this election cycle.

How well will that play in South "Hugo" Carolina?

Loaded_Pants January 13, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Perry thinks that trying to sound like W will make him sound smart.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:17 am

And the really sad thing is that he's absolutely right.

Also, this is my 6660th comment in 666 pages of comments. *holds up hand making devil horns sign*

LiveToServeYa January 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm

You do a disservice to the inventor of the 'stumped speech'.

Chet Kincaid January 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm

"Er, Necromancy…Fluoridation…and Frottage. They got ta go. Ah've been consistent on that."

ttommyunger January 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Don't let it get you down, Ricky. Very few are blessed with brains AND beauty; and let's face it, you are a beaut!

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 10:01 pm

So um, your corrective lenses? You DO wear corrective lenses, right?

ttommyunger January 13, 2012 at 11:09 pm

You don't think he's pretty? Just ask him.

Chet Kincaid January 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Jane The Mannequin!

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Bet it's not the worst thing he's done on a mannequin.

mrblifil January 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I hope he doesn't plan to eliminate the Department of Suck My Dick.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Another Government Bureaucracy that's done nothing for me!

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:19 am

^^
^
Put a sock in it, the whole two of you!
Who do you think was the head (tee hee) of the Department, before those no-goods eliminated my (tee hee) position?

Radiotherapy January 13, 2012 at 5:21 pm

What a re-turd.

Naked_Bunny January 13, 2012 at 5:23 pm

How could Perry not see that fella in the photo is plainly a brainless mannequin?

PeaceWithHonor January 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Suggestions for Rick:

You can write it on your hand, a la Sarah Palin
You can name your penis and testicles
You can right it in Santorum on your lovers' backs
Or, if you're a bottom, have them whisper it in your ear
You can stitch it to the lining of your gimp mask

Or you can just fucking memorize it like any normal, Texas, short bus douchebag would do.

Walkinwiddaking January 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Jesus, the dude looks like some kind of 1930's facist throwback or, a Massachusetts state trooper.

AlaskaGrrl January 13, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Thank god Perry didn't qualify to become a veterinarian. Can you imagine the harm he could do if he was made responsible for a poor animal?

Radiotherapy January 13, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You know who else Hitler dressed up like?

Callyson January 13, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Lady Gaga?

Generation[redacted] January 13, 2012 at 6:10 pm

J Edgar Hoover?

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Rick Perry!

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Cheerleaders, as Rick was, are better known for team blow-jobs and gangbangs rather than any mental acuity.

donner_froh January 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Someone said that Perry is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

I disagreed–he could pour piss out of a boot if you gave him a few tries.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:20 am

"he could pour piss out of a boot if you gave him a few tries."

Of course, someone would have to painstakingly explain to him that a boot isn't supposed to be full of piss in the first place, since that would never occur to him on his own.

not that Dewey January 14, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I can't….Sorry….Oops!

BZ1 January 13, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Rick, write the important stuff on your hand …

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm

looks like squat and gobble is from SF.

clearly a liberal trap.

real_dc_native January 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm

OK GOP Guys. You had your fun. You really had us going for a while. Great gag. I don't know how you pulled this off without cracking up in the middle of it.

But we're on to you now. Let's see the real candidates.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:22 am

"Let's see the real candidates."

Those *are* the real candidates. I mean, their choices at this point are:
1) run somebody who has a chance, "win" in 2012, and inherit this train wreck, or
2) let the situation that they spent 30 years making crash and burn during the black guy's shift.

Biff January 13, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Lock Perry in a room overnight with two cannonballs, and in the morning one would be broken, the other missing.

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Anyway, jodhpurs? Fuckin' pussy.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 10:27 pm

After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period — a spirited political discussion broke out in the restaurant, with some patrons waving Nobama ’12 bumper stickers.

I don't know what else needs to be said. I mean, how perfect is that? He calls on a fucking mannequin, and the crowd is still waving Nobama bumper stickers. It's like they bound and gagged their self-reflection and self-awareness and threw it in the basement of their minds.

Jukesgrrl January 13, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Rick, you need a mnemonic technique. Commerce, Education, Energy.
CEE = the grade you failed to get in college.

tealsheart January 13, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Maybe its like 'mannequin' the movie… Only he can see her come to life. They fall in love, he becomes Prez, Oh forget it, this would require a gay sideKick- designer guy. So not Ricky.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

"this would require a gay sideKick- designer guy. So not Ricky."

You're new around here, aren't you?

tealsheart January 14, 2012 at 2:31 pm

…I was joking. I know 'his' type… Strickly on the DL.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I wonder which poor staffer had to whisper to Rick that it was a mannequinn. They must certainly be wondering how much longer they'll be employed.

gurukalehuru January 14, 2012 at 6:53 am

Squat 'n Gobble…I just can't get over that name.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

IS THAT A PLEDGE PIN ON YOUR UNIFORM, MISTER??? DROP AND GIVE ME 20!!! — Douglas C. Neidermeyer

not that Dewey January 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Kirsten, the prevailing diagnosis for Rick Perry is Chichikovovich's brilliant late onset fetal alcohol syndrome. That is, if you refuse to accept that it is actually toxoplasmosis.

Jukesgrrl January 14, 2012 at 9:25 pm

OT: Focus on the Family just took a time out in the Patriots/Broncos TV broadcast to have cutesy little children lecture us cloyingly about John 3:16. Gee, wonder where they got the idea for that.

starfanglednut January 13, 2012 at 5:54 pm

What about those hinges that swing both ways?

Dr_Zoidberg January 13, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Those are an abomination before God, and should be burned at the stake.

Veritas78 January 13, 2012 at 7:25 pm

They should be lubricated with a squirt of santorum.

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:33 am

"those hinges that swing both ways?"

They're used exclusively in the manufacture of doors for bathroom stalls, so that when you're sitting down, you have to hold it with one hand to make sure it doesn't swing in *or* out.

I hate those things.

reliefsinn January 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Would those also be referred to as "closet" hinges?

ShaveTheWhales January 13, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Hmm. How much for just the boots?

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Um … about these, er, booted ladies … heh, heh.

HistoriCat January 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm

There's just something about a woman in uniform

Edit – sorry I can't give you the personal photos … but I would be seriously killed if I posted my wife's pictures online.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 11:13 pm

If she's anything as cute as that li'l lady, I can see why. (retrieves drool cup)

tessiee January 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

Seriously!! They are by *far* the best part of the picture!

Oblios_Cap January 14, 2012 at 5:26 pm

You're buying each other? Again with the Wonkette Buttsechs ™.

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