those are some good drugs y'all

Rick Perry Forgets U.S. Agency Name Again, Tries To Call On Mannequin

Someone get this guy some flash cards.

Early-onset dementia poster child Rick Perry is still, STILL waging his quixotic battle to correctly and consistently identify the same three federal agencies he is proposing to excise from government ever since that magical debate performance last November. This is apparently a MENSA-level test question for a Texas governor. Perry got a slow-pitch softball from a radio interviewer essentially requiring him only to repeat from his stump speech the words “commerce, education, energy” in response and not necessarily in that order, and yet he nonetheless dug up “commerce, interior and energy” instead. ALMOST HAD IT THAT TIME. Perhaps sensing that even this type of questioning was too rigorous, Perry went to a campaign stop in South Carolina today, looked out at the audience, and then decided to call on a mannequin with its hand raised.

Ha ha, from the best Department of all, the one of Things That Actually Happened:

After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period — a spirited political discussion broke out in the restaurant, with some patrons waving Nobama ’12 bumper stickers.

TO BE FAIR, we too would have wanted to field questions from more of an “intellectual equal” such as a chunk of fiberglass after battling through this interview, via ABC News:

When asked to name and provide the number of federal departments he’d eliminate as president, Texas Gov. Rick Perry managed to list three, but they weren’t the three agencies he consistently names on the stump or that he attempted to name when he committed his now infamous “oops” moment.

“Three right off the bat, you know, commerce, interior and energy are three that you think,” Perry said during a radio interview with Bill Edwards on WTKS Radio in Savannah.

Perry made no mention of the Department of Education, one of the agencies he consistently rails against on the campaign trail, until Edwards asked Perry later in the interview if he’d eliminate that department as well.

Do you think Rick Perry ever worries he’s going to space out so hard one day that he chews his tongue to shreds instead of remembering to eat? [LA Times/ ABC News]

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  1. nounverb911

    "Early-onset dementia poster child Rick Perry"
    Perry got his dream, he is just like Reagan and Thatcher.

          1. tessiee

            "those hinges that swing both ways?"

            They're used exclusively in the manufacture of doors for bathroom stalls, so that when you're sitting down, you have to hold it with one hand to make sure it doesn't swing in *or* out.

            I hate those things.

        1. extreme_left

          err…no..maybe…what do I mean.. because you proposing a double negative cancelling each other resulting underestimation and possible mass carnage of the door using section of society.

      1. jus_wonderin

        I have this misty memory of an Aunt that got caught in a revolving door.

        It is apparently true that after suficient time has passed, one is able to forget and move on. Time; it heals.

      1. Barb

        I just heard a new meme. To "Romney" -defecate in terror, as his dog did on the roof of his car. <—–steal this and spread it, please.

        1. Negropolis

          I still like my "Romnelesence", which I've defined as the state in which one loses even whilst technically in the process of winning. The secondary definition is the state in which one renders themself completely ineffective and irrelevant in a task/action in which they are leading.

    1. tcaalaw

      Rick Perry is simpler than the operating instructions for a hinge.

      That would explain why the Texas governor's mansion only has sliding doors.

      1. tessiee

        No, those can easily be distinguished from Callista. The Real Dolls have:
        a) less plastic
        b) the hint of a facial expression
        c) a lifelike gleam in the eye

  2. savethispatient

    Look, the brain can only hold so much information; some more than others, it appears. If you walk up to Perry and tell him a fact, there is a 10% chance he'll forget how to stand up.

    1. MzNicky

      He's got all those things twirlin' around in his head. Sorta like one of those clear plastic lottery-number boxes with the ping-pong balls ricocheting all around.

  3. GuanoFaucet

    When asked what government agencies he wants to eliminate, Perry should take a cue from that other moron (former) governor and just say: "All of them, Katie." Problem fucking solved.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Well you know, Obama has the audacity to want to try and go in there and progress the growin of the government by upping the SBA to a cabinet level position so perhaps folks are wanting to know if the President can set such a mandation. So Rick Perry would be wise to get in there and curb this spendin of dollars to regulate and shove small business down the free markets Reagan's throat.

  4. MzNicky

    Also besides: Is that young Ricky Perrah in that photo, all dressed up in his Hitler youth costume? ai-yi-yi.

  5. RedneckMuslin

    But what was the mannequin's question? Surely, with the highest IQ in the room, it had the most intelligent question.

    And why did Rick call her Shirley? I can call you Rick, right?

    1. extreme_left

      Perry was un-nerved by her stonewalling…normally the ladies love him..a certain kind of lady..he just so handsome.

  6. SoBeach

    God told Rick Perry to run. I think it's about time for God to show a little mercy and tell Rick he was just fucking with him.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        reminds me of an old joke…what do you call a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia? someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really IS a dog (badaboom!)

  7. Baconzgood

    "Uuuuh eommercey, ceducation, the thingy-ma-jig that does stuff about making things go and light up."

    -Lunk Head Perry-

  8. kissawookiee

    In all fairness, "Squat N' Gobble" sounds more like a santorum moment gone horribly, horribly wrong.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Rick is a flip-flopper. At least that is what Esteban says. (^^^^CW, I had to borrow Esteban from your post for a sec.)

  9. MissTaken

    That was nice of Rick to call on the mannequin. She had been standing there with her hand raised for a very long time.

  10. chascates

    The 'Squat n' Gobble' is know for its gotcha questions. Down the road at the 'Drop n' Dump' he'll find a lot more receptive people.

  11. Mahousu

    I like this coy bit at the end of the Times article: It was resolved, it seemed, after they determined that someone had left without paying their bill – and a Perry staffer agreed to pick up the tab. Since Perry was the only one who had left, I think I know who that "someone" is.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm starting to think that "Rick Perry" is in fact an elaborate performance piece, and that by the end of his campaign, he will appear naked on stage at a debate, covering himself in chocolate syrup.

    That or it will be revealed that "Rick Perry" is the greatest gag that Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert ever came up with.

    It has to be one or the other, right?

  13. Baconzgood

    As funny as this story is, I really wish that Rick Santorum would have made an appearance at the Squat N Gobble. Oh the noble snarks we Wonkers would have had…

  14. cheaphits

    That Texas money, supporting him probably ordered him to throw the Energy Department in the mix…that's how he got where he is…"just following orders", as in "shut-up and do what yer told, dumbass".

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Perry does have a point, though. Who needs a Department of the Interior. What does the government have to do with what I keep in my living room? Are they just trying to compete with Target and Wal-Mart? Bad government! Bad!

    1. flamingpdog

      Miche1e would have abolished the Department of the Interior and replaced it with the Department of the Interior Decorator.

        1. PalinzADummy

          You know he picks her clo'es, right? Yup. She was bragging about the darling little pair of white shoes he got that just perfectly matched her little white jacket (After Labour Day! NO white shoes AFTER Labour Day!).

      1. tessiee

        Then she could hire a couple of Mafia guys to chase the interior decorator through the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

    2. SorosBot

      The only interiors the GOP thinks are the government's business are the interiors of women's uteruses (or is that uteri?).

  16. MaxNeanderthal

    Anyone who thinks he looks good dressed as a Sturmbannfuhrer from an SS cavalry regiment is gonna struggle with advanced concepts of 21st century government. Wait till someone asks him about the judiciary/executive demarcation, or, quelle horreur, (as the Romney can say), separation of church and state…..

  17. MzNicky

    From the link: "Perry, dressed in khakis and a blue fleece with his name embroidered on it…"

    Good idea. In case he forgets his own name, or gets lost.

    1. tessiee

      "In case he forgets his own name, or gets lost."

      I thought it was so his craigslist pickups can find him.

    1. Rotundo_

      Dubya was a towering intellect next to this one. Rick would make us long for the days Dubya was "in charge".

    2. tessiee

      "Didn't we already try a twangy texas governor pilot idiot as president with disastrous results?"

      I'm afraid you're mistaken. Dumbya wasn't a pilot. Dumbya wasn't a pimple on a pilot's ass. They gave him a bunch of flight simulator video games, and he'd get all coked up and play them for manically for hours. It subjected them all to that annoying giggle, but it was better than letting him anywhere near a real plane. Those things are expensive.

  18. BigDumbRedDog

    It was a black mannequin and they put it in the front row to show what broad appeal Ricky has.

  19. CapnFatback

    After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period

    She simply wanted to know if Perry defined marriage as being between a man and a mannequin.

    1. tessiee

      "wanted to know if Perry defined marriage as being between a man and a mannequin."

      No, that's Newt.

  20. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Is there a requirement that all restaurants in the South have weird, slightly unappetising names? Squat and Gobble? Lizard's Thicket? Good God, they probably still have Sambos down there, next to the Cracker Barrel.

    1. Rotundo_

      Squat and gobble? sounds like somewhere you eat while seated on a toilet. Let me guess, an all you can eat type place?

      1. tessiee

        Unfortunately, the convenience stores in NJ are Wawa Markets (yes, that's their actual name), so for once, I'm snarkless.

    2. fuflans

      i remember an 'eat and putt' somewhere in travels. midwest? midwestern canada? these are the only places we drove.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Ya know, come to think of it, this might be a plank in his platform. Mannequin Rights. Because, millions of mannequins the world over are repeatedly undressed and dressed against their will.

        Rick has sincere interest in their plight. And, think of the votes!

  21. MissTaken

    “One size fits all doesn’t work. Well maybe it does in gym socks but it sure doesn’t in how we educate our children.”

    I don't think it works in gym socks,either.

  22. Callyson

    Perry, dressed in khakis and a blue fleece with his name embroidered on it
    Because sweater vests are for wusses…

    1. widestanceshakedown

      They can spin it till the cows come home, but only with Perry would anyone assume he did indeed call on a mannequin. He's burnt through any benefit of the doubt.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Fact is, even if he had done it, calling on the mannequin wouldn't even make the list of the ten dumbest things he did or said that afternoon.

  23. C_R_Eature

    I have questions about the people who pay Rick Perry:

    * Do they pay him to be that stupid?
    * Do they understand how stupid he is? if so, why do they continue to pay him?
    * Did they want an extra stupid man to shovel money to, for some nefarious reason?
    * Did they set up an extra stupid man Search Committee, or is Rick Perry
    the result of some unorthodox Captive Breeding program?

    1. Baconzgood

      I'll field this:

      *Actully yes
      *No, with the present understanding of theoretical mathematics one can not calculate his level of stupidity, (part two see next answer)
      *It's an elaborate ruse to help this country get through these trying times. A comedy performance art of you will.
      *The search for the right kind of Rick Perry stupid was long and hard, but luckily for us he was stumbled over at a carnival trying to guess the weight of a funnel cake that some small girl was holding.

      1. C_R_Eature

        So, you're telling me that Rick Perry arose out of the population naturally?

        That's the scariest thing that I've heard today. What if there are more?

        I don't think Civilization can handle that kind of stress. We have enough going on.

    2. JohnyEdge

      As someone who pays Rick Perry (a citizen of the Great State of Texas) I can only respond:


    3. Rotundo_

      Absolutely, it is a plus in Texas politics and it makes him more malleable.
      Yes, Dubya was just too damned smart for his own good and theirs
      Texas A&M takes care of these sorts for the state of Texas and any group needing sincerely stupid people to place in positions of authority. As for unorthodox captive breeding, visit the campus and all your questions regarding how orthodox or not the breeding of Aggies might be.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Stockbreeding Stupidity at Texas A & M you say? That is a relief!

        I was afraid this was a sign of Adaptive Evolution. It still hasn't been proven that Intelligence has any true long term survival value for a species. I really don't want to see a stupid but better-adapted organism arise to supplant us . At least, not yet.

        No need for a Site Visit, I think. I have enough nightmares as it is.

    4. tessiee

      "is Rick Perry the result of some unorthodox Captive Breeding program?"

      I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure that ass-fucking some total stranger who put an ad on craigslist will *not* produce viable offspring.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Well that's a relief! About Ass-Fucking and Offspring, I mean. I'd really hate to have to go and revise the SOP. The peer review process takes forever.

  24. TeaNuts

    We are going to look back on these as "The good Old Wonkette Days" goina miss these Geriatric One Percenters.

    1. Rotundo_

      Wow, the circle is complete, Commie escapes fascists, Commie meets girl, falls in love, sires fascist. How touching, or should that be groping?

      1. SorosBot

        Well it makes me feel sympathetic to the Santorums in Italy – the American Santorums, not so much.

    2. fuflans

      how is this tool even italian? i mean i know they have catholics and popes and opus dei and berlusconi and shit, but seriously, this is the most dessicated descendant of a grand tradition ever.

    3. tessiee

      "how Santorum likes to talk about how his grandfather fled the fascists in Italy?"

      *screams at sky*

      That leotarded assbag doesn't *deserve* to be Italian!!
      I have a friend who grew up in Limerick, Ireland who says that Bully O'Reilly is unworthy of the O in his name.
      *melodramatic gesture*
      Today, I share his pain.

    4. not that Dewey

      I had surmised that, since he apparently preferred FDR's policies to those of Mussolini, that he wasn't exactly a Santorum by modern standards. But this is good. Strong work.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      You have to admit Vermin's platform makes more sense than anything that comes out of any of the GOP candidates' mouths.

  25. Thurman Munster IV

    Give him a silver helmet and he'd look just like Howard Campbell. Not that Rick's a Nazi or anything.

  26. Guppy

    Wait wait wait…

    I can wrap my head around a Teabagger candidate wanting to shut down Education, Energy, and Interior. I know of the conspiracy theories, etc.

    But Commerce!? This motherfucker is the governor of a Gulf state, and he wants to shut down the National Hurricane Center!?

    I think this may be my aneurysm moment of this election cycle.

    How well will that play in South "Hugo" Carolina?

      1. tessiee

        And the really sad thing is that he's absolutely right.

        Also, this is my 6660th comment in 666 pages of comments. *holds up hand making devil horns sign*

  27. ttommyunger

    Don't let it get you down, Ricky. Very few are blessed with brains AND beauty; and let's face it, you are a beaut!

      1. tessiee

        Put a sock in it, the whole two of you!
        Who do you think was the head (tee hee) of the Department, before those no-goods eliminated my (tee hee) position?

  28. PeaceWithHonor

    Suggestions for Rick:

    You can write it on your hand, a la Sarah Palin
    You can name your penis and testicles
    You can right it in Santorum on your lovers' backs
    Or, if you're a bottom, have them whisper it in your ear
    You can stitch it to the lining of your gimp mask

    Or you can just fucking memorize it like any normal, Texas, short bus douchebag would do.

  29. Walkinwiddaking

    Jesus, the dude looks like some kind of 1930's facist throwback or, a Massachusetts state trooper.

  30. AlaskaGrrl

    Thank god Perry didn't qualify to become a veterinarian. Can you imagine the harm he could do if he was made responsible for a poor animal?

  31. Barrelhse

    Cheerleaders, as Rick was, are better known for team blow-jobs and gangbangs rather than any mental acuity.

  32. donner_froh

    Someone said that Perry is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

    I disagreed–he could pour piss out of a boot if you gave him a few tries.

    1. tessiee

      "he could pour piss out of a boot if you gave him a few tries."

      Of course, someone would have to painstakingly explain to him that a boot isn't supposed to be full of piss in the first place, since that would never occur to him on his own.

  33. real_dc_native

    OK GOP Guys. You had your fun. You really had us going for a while. Great gag. I don't know how you pulled this off without cracking up in the middle of it.

    But we're on to you now. Let's see the real candidates.

    1. tessiee

      "Let's see the real candidates."

      Those *are* the real candidates. I mean, their choices at this point are:
      1) run somebody who has a chance, "win" in 2012, and inherit this train wreck, or
      2) let the situation that they spent 30 years making crash and burn during the black guy's shift.

  34. Biff

    Lock Perry in a room overnight with two cannonballs, and in the morning one would be broken, the other missing.

  35. Negropolis

    After Perry left [the meeting], walking by a mannequin wearing a Squat N’ Gobble t-shirt whose hand was raised above her head – a hand Perry tried to call on during a question-and-answer period — a spirited political discussion broke out in the restaurant, with some patrons waving Nobama ’12 bumper stickers.

    I don't know what else needs to be said. I mean, how perfect is that? He calls on a fucking mannequin, and the crowd is still waving Nobama bumper stickers. It's like they bound and gagged their self-reflection and self-awareness and threw it in the basement of their minds.

  36. tealsheart

    Maybe its like 'mannequin' the movie… Only he can see her come to life. They fall in love, he becomes Prez, Oh forget it, this would require a gay sideKick- designer guy. So not Ricky.

  37. Jukesgrrl

    OT: Focus on the Family just took a time out in the Patriots/Broncos TV broadcast to have cutesy little children lecture us cloyingly about John 3:16. Gee, wonder where they got the idea for that.

  38. HistoriCat

    There's just something about a woman in uniform

    Edit – sorry I can't give you the personal photos … but I would be seriously killed if I posted my wife's pictures online.

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