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Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar

WE'RE MORE THAN A LITTLE TIRED OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S ANTICSNEW YORK—You guys, YOU GUYS, set your DVRs now because seriously YOU CAN’T SCRIPT THIS STUFF: Area fat man and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie filmed an interview with Oprah yesterday, set to air Sunday at 9PM on Oprah’s eopnymous Network, in which the pair discussed all manner of topical issues ranging from Barack Obama’s politcal acumen to Cory Booker to Facebook to… true love. Which afforded Christie the chance to tell the heartwarming tale of the moment he knew he’d found his one true love. “She was fun in a different way than I’d ever experienced with anybody I’d ever dated. She was very spontaneous,” the Governor told Oprah. When pressed for an example of her romantic spontaneity, Christie recounted the time in college when Mary Pat said “let’s go break into the kitchen in the dining hall at college because we smell that they are baking doughnuts for the next morning, so let’s sneak in and steal some of the doughnuts now.” Swoon! Man, nothing says true love like a mutual fondness for breaking and entering—and pastries!

[ed.note: we now have just the loveliest mental image in our head of Gov. Christie waking up each morning, marching through the halls of Drumthwacket, and pounding a meaty fist down on his desk and shouting "Time to make the donuts!!" The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!]

So noted lover of big government and closet socialist Barack Obama is gettng sneaky with some of his trademark bureaucratic derring-do, looking to circumvent a forthcoming President Perry audit of the executive branch by folding up a number of trade and commerce agencies. “The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater, and I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked,” the President joked.

Oh, who would have thought soldiers peeing on dead people might sour our relations with the Afghanis? Nobody could have predicted!

Stephen Colbert, not yet satisfied with his current progress in making a complete joke out of US democracy, has “officially” “announced” his write-in “candidacy” for “President of the United States of South Carolina” (or something).

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So you know what’s a nice thing to see? Actual grown-ups doing actual grown-up diplomacy! Because while Republican presidential contenders are locked in a daily battle of brinksmanship over which one of them is best suited to drop a few hundred Daisy Cutters on Iran, a pair of Times stories today outline the administration’s quiet efforts to address Iran—a threat they appear to be taking quite seriously! Only without any bombs or bluster or swagger or machismo. Just old school, high level, sensitive behind-the-scenes diplomacy.

Media watchers won’t have Marty Peretz to kick around anymore (thank god), since Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes is reportedly in the bidding to take The New Republic off of Marty’s filthy little hands. And we have very high hopes for this! Because TNR was once a storied publication—the baby of Walter Lippman!—that has mired for nearly four decades under the ownership of Marty Peretz, a renowned horrible terrible awful no good very bad man who turned TNR‘s once distinguished pages into a steaming cesspool of neoconservative thinkpieces (and Camille Paglia column inches—don’t forget those!). “In no other country on Earth is my story even possible,” President Obama has said. But Chris Hughes made him president! So surely he can also restore TNR to its former glory.

Speaking of media watching, the whole of the internet collectively freaked out yesterday when Times public editor Arthur Brisbane went completely off the reservation in this hilariously/disastrously/poorly worded request for comment on the subject of—loosely speaking—truth-telling in the paper… [READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE]

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185 comments

  1. Madfall

    Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and now Doughnut burglar…
    Is there no end to the sexually euphemistic uses conservative phraseology can be used for?

      1. Chichikovovich

        We could also use it as a descriptor for all of Newt's wives and hoochie-coochie partners. Which would make him a cad of many crullers.

  2. neiltheblaze

    If anyone was wondering what put Chris Christie on the road to obesity – well, here you go.

      1. jodyleek

        And a couple of bags for their heads. Have you seen Mary Pat? Let's just say she's as lovely as her husband is slim.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Not shocked at the reference to Camille Paglia and inches. She always had the biggest dick when compared to the neocons who stained the pages of TNR with their spunk.

  4. OKthennext

    TNR? When Michelle Cottle left there was nothing worth reading. Gah. Marty Peretz. What a putz.

  5. Dashboard Buddha

    "[ed.note: we now have just the loveliest mental image in our head of Gov. Christie waking up each morning, marching through the halls of Drumthwacket, and pounding a meaty fist down on his desk and shouting "Time to make the donuts!!" The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!]"

    I think a better mental illness is seeing Christie being forced to stand in the center of the frat rec hall eating his doughnut while the RA forces his frat brothers to do pushups.

    And then of course comes the soap party.

  6. neiltheblaze

    Dana Loesch says she "would have dropped trou" and peed on dead people too – like any true patriot would.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I invite her then, to please get her teabaggin' ass to Afghaniland forthwith. Chopchop, bitch.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Dana Loesch is a loathsome bitch. She used horrible (and somewhat fictional) details about the terrible assult on Laura Logan to defend the supporters of Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin.

      It was astonishingly poor taste – even for a right wing nut.

  7. larryfinexx

    The best kept secret after what are the nuclear firing codes, is what is the weight of Governor Christie. This fat obese load will have to divulge this secret if he wants national office.

  8. prommie

    Camille Paglia makes my pee-pee try to invert itself and crawl up into my abdomen. Katie Roiphe, too. This is probably why Katie Roiphe thinks rape is no big deal; the penis will never be a threat to her, she is penis-kryptonite.

  9. Negropolis

    Well, I'm not getting sick of Colbert showing with humor and sharp-edged snark what a fucking joke Super PACs are. I love how he highlighted the joke that is the "no coordination" rule; how you could hand over your PAC to your mother in the matter of seconds and coordinate through the media without it being called coordinating.

    We've got all of these politicians out here bitching about money in politics after Citizens United, but no one with any kind of power is doing shit about it. Hell, no one really even seems to be running on it, and it's easily one of the most important things for saving what's left of our joke of a democracy. No one is running on campaign finance reform. Everyone's just given up.

    1. memzilla

      It is a conundrum, how to reform a corrupt political system when reform can only be executed by the will of the corrupted politicians.

    2. Schmannnity

      As long as money equals speech for the Supremes, nothing will change except for the increase in power for people who can buy their speech.

    3. iburl

      I agree. If it comes down to Wonkette vs. Colbert (which should never never ever ever happen) I'm with Colbert.

    4. MrsBiggTime

      If American democracy is a joke, and we're going to blame Colbert for that – isn't that like blaming Pasteur for rabies?

    5. GhostBuggy

      Yeah, I'm not on board the anti-Colbert ship here. As you say, he's clearly demonstrating the flaws in our corrupted system of self-governance, and why not? Every actual politician is doing the exact same thing Colbert is.

    6. Chet Kincaid

      Jesus people, don't get your undies all bunched up because Langer expressed an alt-text of annoyance about Colbert. Colville went ahead and printed an adoring transcript of his show in the next post up. Reminds me of an old Lampoon joke about that annoying guy who is way too into SNL: "And then the one conehead says to the other conehead…"

    7. Dashboard_Jesus

      yep you nailed it brother, I myself have pretty much given up ANY hope that anyone will try to stop the crazy train that is modern campaign *financing*…if Uncle Clarence and the rest of the his SCOTUS scum keep rubber stamping this 'corporations are people' bullshit then we are eternally doomed to live with a totally corrupt *system*

  10. Terry

    "Oh, who would have thought soldiers peeing on dead people might sour our relations with the Afghanis? Nobody could have predicted!"

    The military has two areas they could work on to stop these goddamn things from happening. One, they could tell the ground troops to stop abusing prisoners and stop desecrating corpses. Two, they could also tell the troops to stop photographing or taping things and uploading the video or images to the internet.

    Somehow, I don't think they'll do either.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I think a third thing might be to stop sending the same group of soldiers in to feral war zones over and over again.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      I wonder if there's an atrocity count somewhere, and whether or not we've topped the embarrassing shit we did in Vietnam.

    3. Ruhe

      As to suggestion one, that's the old "do as I say, not as I do" and that doesn't work well in general.

  11. memzilla

    Well, the Rethuglicans are pissing on the corpse of the middle class, so… Difference, we hardly knew ya.

  12. x111e7thst

    Christie makes no doughnuts. It is far better to steal doughnuts made by underpaid cafeteria workers. Who are probably illegal anyway and should be deported as soon as their work is done.

    1. hagajim

      Well if Newt had his way they'd all be 13 and we'd be keeping them out of trouble by having them make donuts at night and go to school in the morning.

  13. FakaktaSouth

    I can totally see that fat ass stuck half in, half out a window, kicking his feet, covered in powdered sugar and lard, screaming BLOW ME MARY PAT!!! True love never did run deeper…

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Dennis Leary's career says hey Bill, thanks for dying. (and I love Dennis Leary really) In honor of Dennis I say, Bill Hicks is dead of cancer and yet Rush Limbaugh's disgusting pancreas rages on…what the fuck?

          1. FakaktaSouth

            I had to google him, but his twitter description is Drunk, Comedian, Obsolete so I don't feel as bad. And now I will never work out because of all the clips of him on the Youtubes. Holy shit his stuff on Sarah Palin.

          2. prommie

            Watch Don't Work Hard, Excess in moderation, and the one that starts out with "You ever try to go to sleep SOBER?" The clip is called "The Carnival" or something like that.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Oh dear lord I'm listening to "some troops are assholes" right now. It's a tidge timely what with the peeing and all, and you CAN suck a dick for money instead of going in to the military, t'is true. I'd swear he really is drunk. Awesome.

      1. ThundercatHo

        But, the moral of the story is that they left his fat ass stuck there until he lost enough weight to get out.

    1. PsycWench

      Did they honeymoon at Cafe du Monde in New Orleans? (Never wear a dark business suit to Cafe du Monde).

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Half the people I know were at Cafe du Monde last week celebrating football. I LOOOOOVE beignets outside under huge awning-tents so much it is ridiculous.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Man, O is just that good. I mean, really, why would Christie pick THAT story to assplain his young love? It begs the obvious.

  15. prommie

    It really is a strange, crazy world. I mean, we hire these boys to go kill people, we train them to kill people, we give them weapons so they can kill people, shoot them, blow them up into little pieces, burn them, kill, kill, kill. We give them medals and "honor their service" when they are succesful at killing large numbers of people. And then we get mad when they pee on them? We who judge them are crazier than they are, they are being consistent with what we sent them there to do, what we trained them to do and pay them to do. "Go kill people, but whatever you do, don't insult them." Wow, just fucking wow.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't agree with this narrative emerging, at all. That we feel that we have to kill is bad enough – but it is something we have made an actual job of – but one of the first things that revealed us to be human was very general respect for the dead and corpses, yes, even the ones that we made corpses. One of the first things we did upon reaching this evolutionary stage was to bury the deceased (well, most cultures, anyway). Another thing we evolved was the ability to compartmentalize and detach, even the most gruesome of tasks. What this is is just adding insult to injury.

      1. prommie

        Manners over morals, step back and look at what you are saying. "Respect" for corpses is just lingering superstition, its just meat.

        1. Negropolis

          You're playing a game of moral absolutism as good as any conservative, the idea that if we can't be perfectly moral, than there are no such things as rules and we shouldn't even try. That if we are to war, that we might as well piss on those we kill. I don't believe in perfect humans; I also don't believe that is a reason why we shouldn't mitigate our obvious failures and evils. The evil of war exists; we sure as hell better try to remain as human as we can within the confines of such horror.

          This isn't manners over morals; they aren't competing with one another. You better try to attempt both or you can kiss civilization goodbye. This idea that they are mutually exclusive is silly.

          This people shouldn't be over there. They shouldn't be killing, but that is what they were trained to do. They weren't trained to piss of dead bodies. In fact, the whole challenge of the evil of modern war is figuring out how to make a shitty, imperfect reality less shitty and imperfect than it already is.

          1. prommie

            If they were my relatives, I think that the difference it would make to me if I saw a picture of them standing respectfully over their dead corpses being all respectful, and if I saw them pissing on them, would be pretty negligable. It would be their deadness that would bother me most, I think. The pissing is just a little lagniape, a little something extra, but really its just a matter of style. The murdering is the thing.

          2. Goonemeritus

            I think you both make excellent points, I do believe it is more than just manners here. There is any number of reasons why conventions of respect should be shown to fallen enemy combatants. However in a world were kids grow up tea-bagging in Halo and than transition to a battlefield filled with people we define in the media as subhuman can we expect anything else. I would sooner see some of the professional hate talkers go to jail than these four. That said go to jail they will and must.

          3. prommie

            What diplomatic skill, you peacemaker, you. Of course you are right, and so is Negropolis. Its still a crazy world.

      2. Tundra Grifter

        There is a heavy religious overlay here. After Black Hawk Down, Saudi Arabian soldiers told the crowd they were poor Muslims to drag the corpses of American military men through the streets.

        In many wars, there are truces to bury the dead and exchange the bodies of the fallen. Look at the lengths Israel goes to recover their war dead – remarkably like the Muslims.

        You are correct. It isn't necessary to pee on the bodies of people a soldier has killed.

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Damn I needed you ALL DAY yesterday. What are you, working?? This was my reaction too. I mean, taking a leak on a person you've just popped a cap in is obvious, blatant disrespect, but, come ON, they happen to be DEAD FIRST because of you, and that really should be the worser thing.

      1. prommie

        I am so sorry I was not there for you in your hour of need, yes, can you fucking believe that I had to WORD at work? Its quite irritating when that happens.

        Isn't it cool how society maintains its delusions of being civilized by wringing hands over the pissing thing, while ignoring the killing thing? Its like executioners making a fuss over the last meal, "see how nice we are to our condemned prisoners?" and then they kill them. Its manners over morals, is what it is. Its OK to be wildly immoral, as long as you are polite about it.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I think it just gives more credence to all of Pavlov's experiments. We are trained to respond to war as, yeah, okay, shit happens, people die (okay, we KILL people, whatevs) BUT PEEING ON PEOPLE IS WEIRD. (I am going to Vegas next week and coincidentally the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo is going on, I betcha THEY would say it's money.)

        2. Gunner Asch

          I seem to remember Barbara Tuchman noting something similar (in The March of Folly" maybe?) when describing the English holding 1916 Irish revolutionaries in prison. They would be shocked at the idea of eavesdropping on the prisoners, but would beat the holy hell out of them to extract information. It's an odd world, all right. Incidentally, after a zillion years in the military and service in Vietnam I buy into that warrior ethic of not abusing the corpses of your slain enemies. And yes, I know you are right about the killing being the larger deed.

    3. Pithaughn

      Prommie, pissing on the dead angers the God who says its ok to kill them. Ok? Soldiers have to be honorable otherwise they are just murderers.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Ya know, if'n you're gonna live like a Shakespearean character, you could do much worse than a funny tempter. (temptress is such a better word, so I'll be that)

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Yet another opportunity for the hubs to work whilst I sit upon my also skinnier than Falstaff ass. I'm gonna check and see if they're all booked up on old chick porn actresses. Cougs seem to be an actual thing on the ppv. God Bless Stifler's Mom Forever.

          2. prommie

            Do we lead similar lives? I travel the world carrying the spousal bags while she attends conventions and board meetings and I go on excursion tours with the other wives.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Yeah, but I don't even have to carry anything – and that is why I don't bitch much about sexism, cause I am one. You're invited to "spousal spa day on the company" anytime.

          4. prommie

            Haha, we may well meet on the road sometime, I could have been in Vegas this week, the Esso is there now, even, we missed it by only one week. Eat at Bouchon, you must, you must, and the Thai place in the strip mall, the famous thai place where dinner for 2 costs $25 and its said to be the best Thai food in Amurrica.

          5. FakaktaSouth

            Absolutely. I am in, 2 for $25 sounds remarkable! And I have written down Bouchon as well.
            It'll happen ONE DAY and, I'll just know it's you…(I see a bunch of stranger-dudes at hotels in my future yelling at me, "get off me weirdo, what the fuck is a prommie?")

      1. prommie

        Well, ’tis no matter; honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honour set-to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then? No. What is honour? A word. What is in that word “honour”? What is that “honour”? Air. A trim reckoning! Who hath it? He that died o’ Wednesday. Doth he feel it? No. Doth he hear it? No. ’Tis insensible then? Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living? No. Why? Detraction will not suffer it. Therefore I’ll none of it. Honour is a mere scutcheon. And so ends my catechism.

        1. fuflans

          who doesn't need a little H IV with breakfast.

          course, FALSTAFF's breakfast would be beer. so there's that.

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    I saw where Christie said Obama should have been more bipartisan and offered to play golf with Boehner. Umm…hello, where was he in 2009/10 when all the liberals were freaking out that Barry was rolling over to the Rs? I guess all that sugar just lets you speak shit that have no factual basis.

  17. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a deceased Talib is micturated upon in Helmand Province, I have to compensate Hamid Karzai?

    1. widestanceshakedown

      Not only would it eat its own umbilical cord, it would keep going until its own mother was picked clean.

  18. prommie

    Something about Christie just gives me the feeling that he never passes a Dunkin Donuts without stopping. Or a hot dog stand, or a pizza parlor (do they call them "parlors" anywhere else but New Jersey? Why is it that the only things you do in a "parlor" is eat pizza and visit with corpses?) or a McDonalds. The Double-Down was invented for him. His cheesesteak consumption must be staggering.

  19. HistoriCat

    Stephen Colbert, not yet satisfied with his current progress in making a complete joke out of US democracy

    Not true – US democracy was already a complete joke.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The law, in its majestic equality, allows both rich and poor to anonymously donate unlimited amounts of money to a SuperPAC.

  20. Rosie_Scenario

    How busy is Christie that he can't get on some program and lose weight? He has enough money for a personal trainer, a gym, a personal chef, etc. etc.? He is out in the public and must see photos wherein he looks awful? No vanity, no friends/ loved ones? How can he expect to inspire confidence? I wouldn't vote for a person for high office who is one donut away from a heart attack, stroke, or hospitalization for asthma (which happened recently)? I don't get it. I know that it is difficult to lose weight and keep it off, but it looks like he just doesn't care. End of diatribe.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      The motherfucker takes a helicopter to his kids softball game or whatever. This is a guy who clearly takes the shortest possible route to anything, you know? I am pretty sure his thinking goes: "Why run on a treadmill for half an hour when you can sit on your fat ass and do nothing?"

  21. MissTaken

    You know Christie, the dreaded Freshman 15 is supposed to take a full year, not just Friday night.

  22. Tundra Grifter

    I think I posted this before (after some 2,300 it's hard to remember them all). It is worth repeating.

    When the Spanish cruiser Vizcaya was shelled and started burning during the Battle of Santiago Bay, the American sailors on board the USS Texas began to celebrate.

    "Don't cheer, boys," ordered Capt. John Woodward, "the poor devils are dying."

    A warrior treats with respect the bodies of his or her enemies – for many reasons, including the obvious one that that is the way they would want to be treated.

  23. Generation[redacted]

    Seriously, if a woman I started dating suggested stealing donuts, I would run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's like the guy lives in a Simpsons cartoon. I was lucky to meet someone who likes the same vegan restaurants and we haven't had donuts for breakfast, ever — okay, bignets once.

    Instead of bringing her flowers, did he bring her a baker's dozen? And another for himself? Do they eat while having sex? What fresh-baked hell is this?

    1. DaRooster

      "Do they eat while having sex?"

      I picture more of a-
      Mr.: Wanna have sex?
      Mrs.: Sure big fella…
      *5 minutes later*
      Mrs.: I can't find it.
      Mr.: Wanna just grab some donuts?

  24. SorosBot

    So Christie's fondest romantic memory is committing grand theft doughnut? Makes sense, as that sociopath's biggest accomplishment as governor has been stealing from Jersey's state workers' paychecks to give tax cuts to the state's richest residents.

  25. JustPixelz

    Stephen Colbert … has “officially” “announced” his write-in “candidacy” for “President of the United States of South Carolina”

    Watch out Mitt, there's a new comedian in town. "Corporations are people." "I'm unemployed too." "I like to fire people." You're going to have amp-up your material.

  26. DaRooster

    Man, there was surprising less paperwork in transferring a ridiculous (apparently) sum of money from a Super Pac then in a… let's see… hmm… say, a modification of a mortgage.

  27. Rosie_Scenario

    But the NY Times Style manual is sacrosanct, of course. Shouldn't we expect to see one of those small font "corrections" one of these days, re: use of the term "enhanced interrogation" for waterboarding instead of the correct "torture." I won't hold my breath for a cheery: "We regret the error." Regrets, we all have more than a few.

  28. C_R_Eature

    Chris Christis, the "Doughnut-making Jobs" Creator. I get it now.

    So, just exactly how many Dunkin' Donuts stores does he personally support?

    The first "All of them, Katie" response gets a Gold Star for the day.

      1. C_R_Eature

        GOLD STAR! Congratulations. I'd give you a Laurel and Hearty handshake, but Barry took the last one.

  29. widestanceshakedown

    I'm guessing afterplay involved being hosed down first so they didn't clog the car wash/shower drain as they languished in the afterglow/stomachache.

  30. friendlyskies

    Proving once again that Chris "Christ" Christie is one of the few politicians who is truly in touch with the Republican base.

  31. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Back in the day, we used to string up doughnut thieves. Just make sure the tree is good and sturdy like an oak or hickory otherwise it gets real messy. Don’t ask.

  32. ttommyunger

    Sadly, the Governor's wife will one day realize her hubby is still totally devoted to and fixated on his first love: FOOD!

  33. proudgrampa

    If The NY Times has to figure out whether it's in the Truth business or not, it just furthers its own irrelevance.

    Really pathetic.

    "Facts? I don' got ta show you no steenkin' facts."

  34. fuflans

    the whole of the internet collectively freaked out yesterday

    oh good, cause i was worried the internet was a calm and rational place.

  35. user-of-owls

    Yeah, about that whole “In no other country on Earth is my story even possible,” thing. Unless Barry was raised by subsistence farmers, rose to head up a coca farmers' union, was elected by a historic landslide and then proceeded to actually 'redistribute the wealth,' well, maybe not so much on the exceptionalismo.

  36. hagajim

    So why doesn't the Wonkette start its own SuperPac (in time for 2016). We could all then get together to run ads making a mockery of the system and the candidates. If ya can't beat them – join them and make a big joke of it.

  37. owhatever

    Governor, I also suffer from a Krispy Kreme addiction. There is nothing better than a dozen KKs. Not even Tebow. But I decided to live longer and stopped eating them.

  38. extreme_left

    That's what Ma and Da said before they disappeared for a bit…never did see those Donuts though.

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