GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  8:38 am January 13, 2012

Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar

by Matt Langer

WE'RE MORE THAN A LITTLE TIRED OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S ANTICSNEW YORK—You guys, YOU GUYS, set your DVRs now because seriously YOU CAN’T SCRIPT THIS STUFF: Area fat man and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie filmed an interview with Oprah yesterday, set to air Sunday at 9PM on Oprah’s eopnymous Network, in which the pair discussed all manner of topical issues ranging from Barack Obama’s politcal acumen to Cory Booker to Facebook to… true love. Which afforded Christie the chance to tell the heartwarming tale of the moment he knew he’d found his one true love. “She was fun in a different way than I’d ever experienced with anybody I’d ever dated. She was very spontaneous,” the Governor told Oprah. When pressed for an example of her romantic spontaneity, Christie recounted the time in college when Mary Pat said “let’s go break into the kitchen in the dining hall at college because we smell that they are baking doughnuts for the next morning, so let’s sneak in and steal some of the doughnuts now.” Swoon! Man, nothing says true love like a mutual fondness for breaking and entering—and pastries!

[ed.note: we now have just the loveliest mental image in our head of Gov. Christie waking up each morning, marching through the halls of Drumthwacket, and pounding a meaty fist down on his desk and shouting "Time to make the donuts!!" The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!]

So noted lover of big government and closet socialist Barack Obama is gettng sneaky with some of his trademark bureaucratic derring-do, looking to circumvent a forthcoming President Perry audit of the executive branch by folding up a number of trade and commerce agencies. “The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater, and I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked,” the President joked.

Oh, who would have thought soldiers peeing on dead people might sour our relations with the Afghanis? Nobody could have predicted!

Stephen Colbert, not yet satisfied with his current progress in making a complete joke out of US democracy, has “officially” “announced” his write-in “candidacy” for “President of the United States of South Carolina” (or something).

So you know what’s a nice thing to see? Actual grown-ups doing actual grown-up diplomacy! Because while Republican presidential contenders are locked in a daily battle of brinksmanship over which one of them is best suited to drop a few hundred Daisy Cutters on Iran, a pair of Times stories today outline the administration’s quiet efforts to address Iran—a threat they appear to be taking quite seriously! Only without any bombs or bluster or swagger or machismo. Just old school, high level, sensitive behind-the-scenes diplomacy.

Media watchers won’t have Marty Peretz to kick around anymore (thank god), since Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes is reportedly in the bidding to take The New Republic off of Marty’s filthy little hands. And we have very high hopes for this! Because TNR was once a storied publication—the baby of Walter Lippman!—that has mired for nearly four decades under the ownership of Marty Peretz, a renowned horrible terrible awful no good very bad man who turned TNR‘s once distinguished pages into a steaming cesspool of neoconservative thinkpieces (and Camille Paglia column inches—don’t forget those!). “In no other country on Earth is my story even possible,” President Obama has said. But Chris Hughes made him president! So surely he can also restore TNR to its former glory.

Speaking of media watching, the whole of the internet collectively freaked out yesterday when Times public editor Arthur Brisbane went completely off the reservation in this hilariously/disastrously/poorly worded request for comment on the subject of—loosely speaking—truth-telling in the paper… [READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE]

 
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{ 185 comments }

Madfall January 13, 2012 at 8:42 am

Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and now Doughnut burglar…
Is there no end to the sexually euphemistic uses conservative phraseology can be used for?

Schmannnity January 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

Turdburglar and doughnut burglar

Barb January 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

Can we start calling Callista the "cruller"

ThundercatHo January 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

How about Cruella? I can totally picture her wearing a coat made of puppy skins.

Chichikovovich January 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

We could also use it as a descriptor for all of Newt's wives and hoochie-coochie partners. Which would make him a cad of many crullers.

neiltheblaze January 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

If anyone was wondering what put Chris Christie on the road to obesity – well, here you go.

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

Love…

Tundra Grifter January 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

Doughnuts are the gateway food to full-time eating? Who knew?

Guppy January 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

He's a feeder.

PsycWench January 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

Stolen donuts have more calories. Because of God.

tihond January 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

This is better than the time Santorum revealed he was a Turd Burglar.

OneDollarJuana January 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

A dog turd burglar, from what I hear.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 7:53 pm

his tools of the trade are a bowl, funnel and hose.

Schmannnity January 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

Soon, their romantic food spontaneity required the use of a forklift.

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

…and they eventually required a rigging crew to "make with the lovin'"

jodyleek January 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

And a couple of bags for their heads. Have you seen Mary Pat? Let's just say she's as lovely as her husband is slim.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Good god. She must have a wonderful personality.

ManchuCandidate January 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

I'm shocked. Doughnut burgler? I couldn't have guessed as I am currently in orbit around Chris Christie's belly.

hagajim January 13, 2012 at 11:34 am

And after donuts he became a turd burgler which he is still today.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 13, 2012 at 8:50 am
Beowoof January 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

Always a big fan of Schony when he played in Buffalo.

ManchuCandidate January 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

Not shocked at the reference to Camille Paglia and inches. She always had the biggest dick when compared to the neocons who stained the pages of TNR with their spunk.

OKthennext January 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

TNR? When Michelle Cottle left there was nothing worth reading. Gah. Marty Peretz. What a putz.

Rosie_Scenario January 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

So . . . did they eat the donuts before or after?

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

During…off of each others fat quaking bodies

elviouslyqueer January 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

MY EYES!

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 7:57 pm

MY BRAIN..mental images burn!

OneDollarJuana January 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

Licking the icing off her nipples through the donut holes.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Excuse me. I'm trying to live a life free of PTSD here. Thanks.

PsycWench January 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

They had a very special game, like ring toss but a little different.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 9:55 pm

The bottom of his fat belly acts as sort of a backboard.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 11:04 am

Oh great, there goes my sex drive.

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

I am Dashboard…destroyer of boners.

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

In fact, I think Christie's pet name for his wife was My Little Cream Filled Doughnut.

An_Outhouse January 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

My Little Doughnut needs some cream filling.

OneDollarJuana January 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

There is that old blues standard about "jelly roll".

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

"[ed.note: we now have just the loveliest mental image in our head of Gov. Christie waking up each morning, marching through the halls of Drumthwacket, and pounding a meaty fist down on his desk and shouting "Time to make the donuts!!" The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!]"

I think a better mental illness is seeing Christie being forced to stand in the center of the frat rec hall eating his doughnut while the RA forces his frat brothers to do pushups.

And then of course comes the soap party.

ManchuCandidate January 13, 2012 at 8:59 am

7… point … 6… 2… mm… full… metal… jack…et.

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 9:08 am

Looking at Christie and his ilk all I can say is…

We *are*… in a world… of shit.

neiltheblaze January 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

Dana Loesch says she "would have dropped trou" and peed on dead people too – like any true patriot would.

Barrelhse January 13, 2012 at 9:10 am

A perfect opportunity to pull the pin on a hand-grenade and shove it up her ass.

freakishlywrong January 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

I invite her then, to please get her teabaggin' ass to Afghaniland forthwith. Chopchop, bitch.

Tundra Grifter January 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

Dana Loesch is a loathsome bitch. She used horrible (and somewhat fictional) details about the terrible assult on Laura Logan to defend the supporters of Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin.

It was astonishingly poor taste – even for a right wing nut.

neiltheblaze January 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

No wonder CNN hired her @ loathsome bitch.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I wouldn't care if the Taliban shot that cunt in the cunt.

larryfinexx January 13, 2012 at 8:59 am

The best kept secret after what are the nuclear firing codes, is what is the weight of Governor Christie. This fat obese load will have to divulge this secret if he wants national office.

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

With all these government agencies closing up, is this the Bain administration?

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

Camille Paglia makes my pee-pee try to invert itself and crawl up into my abdomen. Katie Roiphe, too. This is probably why Katie Roiphe thinks rape is no big deal; the penis will never be a threat to her, she is penis-kryptonite.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

Well, I'm not getting sick of Colbert showing with humor and sharp-edged snark what a fucking joke Super PACs are. I love how he highlighted the joke that is the "no coordination" rule; how you could hand over your PAC to your mother in the matter of seconds and coordinate through the media without it being called coordinating.

We've got all of these politicians out here bitching about money in politics after Citizens United, but no one with any kind of power is doing shit about it. Hell, no one really even seems to be running on it, and it's easily one of the most important things for saving what's left of our joke of a democracy. No one is running on campaign finance reform. Everyone's just given up.

memzilla January 13, 2012 at 9:41 am

It is a conundrum, how to reform a corrupt political system when reform can only be executed by the will of the corrupted politicians.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

Man you just CRUSHED Buddy Roemer's feelings.

Schmannnity January 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

As long as money equals speech for the Supremes, nothing will change except for the increase in power for people who can buy their speech.

iburl January 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

I agree. If it comes down to Wonkette vs. Colbert (which should never never ever ever happen) I'm with Colbert.

MrsBiggTime January 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

If American democracy is a joke, and we're going to blame Colbert for that – isn't that like blaming Pasteur for rabies?

HeadsIWin January 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

"Everyone's given up." That's your punchline?

GhostBuggy January 13, 2012 at 11:12 am

Yeah, I'm not on board the anti-Colbert ship here. As you say, he's clearly demonstrating the flaws in our corrupted system of self-governance, and why not? Every actual politician is doing the exact same thing Colbert is.

Chet Kincaid January 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

Jesus people, don't get your undies all bunched up because Langer expressed an alt-text of annoyance about Colbert. Colville went ahead and printed an adoring transcript of his show in the next post up. Reminds me of an old Lampoon joke about that annoying guy who is way too into SNL: "And then the one conehead says to the other conehead…"

Dashboard_Jesus January 15, 2012 at 2:29 am

yep you nailed it brother, I myself have pretty much given up ANY hope that anyone will try to stop the crazy train that is modern campaign *financing*…if Uncle Clarence and the rest of the his SCOTUS scum keep rubber stamping this 'corporations are people' bullshit then we are eternally doomed to live with a totally corrupt *system*

Terry January 13, 2012 at 9:08 am

"Oh, who would have thought soldiers peeing on dead people might sour our relations with the Afghanis? Nobody could have predicted!"

The military has two areas they could work on to stop these goddamn things from happening. One, they could tell the ground troops to stop abusing prisoners and stop desecrating corpses. Two, they could also tell the troops to stop photographing or taping things and uploading the video or images to the internet.

Somehow, I don't think they'll do either.

freakishlywrong January 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

I think a third thing might be to stop sending the same group of soldiers in to feral war zones over and over again.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 9:59 pm

That requires more soldiers, and we're already accepting felons (Is that right?) so… they're hard to come by is what I'm trying to say.

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

I wonder if there's an atrocity count somewhere, and whether or not we've topped the embarrassing shit we did in Vietnam.

Dashboard_Jesus January 15, 2012 at 2:34 am

no wonder they hate us, indeed.. .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy5aGrgkpMU

Ruhe January 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

As to suggestion one, that's the old "do as I say, not as I do" and that doesn't work well in general.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 13, 2012 at 11:52 am

"Don't be an ass, don't tell" might be a sensible policy.

memzilla January 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

Well, the Rethuglicans are pissing on the corpse of the middle class, so… Difference, we hardly knew ya.

PuckStopsHere January 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

So, I'm still confused by this. What comes first, the stealing or the republicanism?

tealsheart January 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

'stealing-republican'
Old habits

elviouslyqueer January 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Yes.

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

"We're going to Christie Kreme Bitches!"

tealsheart January 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

Whenever, whoeva goes, get me a dozen glazed-hot. …

x111e7thst January 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

Christie makes no doughnuts. It is far better to steal doughnuts made by underpaid cafeteria workers. Who are probably illegal anyway and should be deported as soon as their work is done.

hagajim January 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

Well if Newt had his way they'd all be 13 and we'd be keeping them out of trouble by having them make donuts at night and go to school in the morning.

weejee January 13, 2012 at 9:23 am

Well war is a real pisser, and so is trickle down, and RIP TNR. Mmmm, must be time to start drinking somewhere.

Arken January 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

Oprah who?

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

I can totally see that fat ass stuck half in, half out a window, kicking his feet, covered in powdered sugar and lard, screaming BLOW ME MARY PAT!!! True love never did run deeper…

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

God, that reminds me of Bill Hicks' dark poetry about Rush Limbaugh. Been dead 17 years, and STILL prescient.

NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, and NOT SAFE FOR WORK..

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

Dennis Leary's career says hey Bill, thanks for dying. (and I love Dennis Leary really) In honor of Dennis I say, Bill Hicks is dead of cancer and yet Rush Limbaugh's disgusting pancreas rages on…what the fuck?

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

Doug Stanhope.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:22 am

I had to google him, but his twitter description is Drunk, Comedian, Obsolete so I don't feel as bad. And now I will never work out because of all the clips of him on the Youtubes. Holy shit his stuff on Sarah Palin.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

You made me spit!

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 10:46 am

Worst porn version of 'Winnie the Pooh' EVAR.

ThundercatHo January 13, 2012 at 11:15 am

But, the moral of the story is that they left his fat ass stuck there until he lost enough weight to get out.

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

Worst happy ending EVAR!

PsycWench January 13, 2012 at 10:47 am

Did they honeymoon at Cafe du Monde in New Orleans? (Never wear a dark business suit to Cafe du Monde).

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

Half the people I know were at Cafe du Monde last week celebrating football. I LOOOOOVE beignets outside under huge awning-tents so much it is ridiculous.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Fantastic.

freakishlywrong January 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

Man, O is just that good. I mean, really, why would Christie pick THAT story to assplain his young love? It begs the obvious.

Baconzgood January 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

Diplomacy with Iran? But but but but but….they're BROWN people.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

It really is a strange, crazy world. I mean, we hire these boys to go kill people, we train them to kill people, we give them weapons so they can kill people, shoot them, blow them up into little pieces, burn them, kill, kill, kill. We give them medals and "honor their service" when they are succesful at killing large numbers of people. And then we get mad when they pee on them? We who judge them are crazier than they are, they are being consistent with what we sent them there to do, what we trained them to do and pay them to do. "Go kill people, but whatever you do, don't insult them." Wow, just fucking wow.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

I don't agree with this narrative emerging, at all. That we feel that we have to kill is bad enough – but it is something we have made an actual job of – but one of the first things that revealed us to be human was very general respect for the dead and corpses, yes, even the ones that we made corpses. One of the first things we did upon reaching this evolutionary stage was to bury the deceased (well, most cultures, anyway). Another thing we evolved was the ability to compartmentalize and detach, even the most gruesome of tasks. What this is is just adding insult to injury.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

Manners over morals, step back and look at what you are saying. "Respect" for corpses is just lingering superstition, its just meat.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

You're playing a game of moral absolutism as good as any conservative, the idea that if we can't be perfectly moral, than there are no such things as rules and we shouldn't even try. That if we are to war, that we might as well piss on those we kill. I don't believe in perfect humans; I also don't believe that is a reason why we shouldn't mitigate our obvious failures and evils. The evil of war exists; we sure as hell better try to remain as human as we can within the confines of such horror.

This isn't manners over morals; they aren't competing with one another. You better try to attempt both or you can kiss civilization goodbye. This idea that they are mutually exclusive is silly.

This people shouldn't be over there. They shouldn't be killing, but that is what they were trained to do. They weren't trained to piss of dead bodies. In fact, the whole challenge of the evil of modern war is figuring out how to make a shitty, imperfect reality less shitty and imperfect than it already is.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

If they were my relatives, I think that the difference it would make to me if I saw a picture of them standing respectfully over their dead corpses being all respectful, and if I saw them pissing on them, would be pretty negligable. It would be their deadness that would bother me most, I think. The pissing is just a little lagniape, a little something extra, but really its just a matter of style. The murdering is the thing.

Tundra Grifter January 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

There is a heavy religious overlay here. After Black Hawk Down, Saudi Arabian soldiers told the crowd they were poor Muslims to drag the corpses of American military men through the streets.

In many wars, there are truces to bury the dead and exchange the bodies of the fallen. Look at the lengths Israel goes to recover their war dead – remarkably like the Muslims.

You are correct. It isn't necessary to pee on the bodies of people a soldier has killed.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

Damn I needed you ALL DAY yesterday. What are you, working?? This was my reaction too. I mean, taking a leak on a person you've just popped a cap in is obvious, blatant disrespect, but, come ON, they happen to be DEAD FIRST because of you, and that really should be the worser thing.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

I am so sorry I was not there for you in your hour of need, yes, can you fucking believe that I had to WORD at work? Its quite irritating when that happens.

Isn't it cool how society maintains its delusions of being civilized by wringing hands over the pissing thing, while ignoring the killing thing? Its like executioners making a fuss over the last meal, "see how nice we are to our condemned prisoners?" and then they kill them. Its manners over morals, is what it is. Its OK to be wildly immoral, as long as you are polite about it.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

I think it just gives more credence to all of Pavlov's experiments. We are trained to respond to war as, yeah, okay, shit happens, people die (okay, we KILL people, whatevs) BUT PEEING ON PEOPLE IS WEIRD. (I am going to Vegas next week and coincidentally the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo is going on, I betcha THEY would say it's money.)

Gunner Asch January 13, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I seem to remember Barbara Tuchman noting something similar (in The March of Folly" maybe?) when describing the English holding 1916 Irish revolutionaries in prison. They would be shocked at the idea of eavesdropping on the prisoners, but would beat the holy hell out of them to extract information. It's an odd world, all right. Incidentally, after a zillion years in the military and service in Vietnam I buy into that warrior ethic of not abusing the corpses of your slain enemies. And yes, I know you are right about the killing being the larger deed.

Pithaughn January 13, 2012 at 9:36 am

Prommie, pissing on the dead angers the God who says its ok to kill them. Ok? Soldiers have to be honorable otherwise they are just murderers.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:43 am

All I know of Honor, I learned from Falstaff.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Ya know, if'n you're gonna live like a Shakespearean character, you could do much worse than a funny tempter. (temptress is such a better word, so I'll be that)

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:09 am

But a skinny Falstaff. Skinnier, anyways. Vegas, huh?

freddymcmurray January 13, 2012 at 11:25 am

where i come from, falstaff is a beer.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

Well, ’tis no matter; honour pricks me on. Yea, but how if honour prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honour set-to a leg? No. Or an arm? No. Or take away the grief of a wound? No. Honour hath no skill in surgery, then? No. What is honour? A word. What is in that word “honour”? What is that “honour”? Air. A trim reckoning! Who hath it? He that died o’ Wednesday. Doth he feel it? No. Doth he hear it? No. ’Tis insensible then? Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living? No. Why? Detraction will not suffer it. Therefore I’ll none of it. Honour is a mere scutcheon. And so ends my catechism.

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

who doesn't need a little H IV with breakfast.

course, FALSTAFF's breakfast would be beer. so there's that.

proudgrampa January 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!

I do love me some Shakespeare!

Indiepalin January 13, 2012 at 9:28 am

Haley Barbour – Willie Horton – 2012 !!

Texan_Bulldog January 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

I saw where Christie said Obama should have been more bipartisan and offered to play golf with Boehner. Umm…hello, where was he in 2009/10 when all the liberals were freaking out that Barry was rolling over to the Rs? I guess all that sugar just lets you speak shit that have no factual basis.

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

"What? I have to listen too?? Sheesh."

DrOzarkZ.Hellbender January 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a deceased Talib is micturated upon in Helmand Province, I have to compensate Hamid Karzai?

MrFizzy January 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

I think if Oprah and Christie ever procreated the result would look like a giant football.

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 10:49 am

Not only would it eat its own umbilical cord, it would keep going until its own mother was picked clean.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

Something about Christie just gives me the feeling that he never passes a Dunkin Donuts without stopping. Or a hot dog stand, or a pizza parlor (do they call them "parlors" anywhere else but New Jersey? Why is it that the only things you do in a "parlor" is eat pizza and visit with corpses?) or a McDonalds. The Double-Down was invented for him. His cheesesteak consumption must be staggering.

MrFizzy January 13, 2012 at 11:22 am

I'd give him five years before the big one hits. He's lucky to have survived this long.

memzilla January 13, 2012 at 9:35 am

The New Republic was created from a fortune made from looting stockholders, and was run by a self-confessed KGB spy. I laugh at anything bad that happens to it.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

Noone, no matter what their sin, deserves to have Camille Paglia happen to them.

OKthennext January 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

Like a Robert Ludlum novel. Only true, apparently.

HistoriCat January 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

Stephen Colbert, not yet satisfied with his current progress in making a complete joke out of US democracy

Not true – US democracy was already a complete joke.

Generation[redacted] January 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

The law, in its majestic equality, allows both rich and poor to anonymously donate unlimited amounts of money to a SuperPAC.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 8:00 pm

eggsactly

Rosie_Scenario January 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

How busy is Christie that he can't get on some program and lose weight? He has enough money for a personal trainer, a gym, a personal chef, etc. etc.? He is out in the public and must see photos wherein he looks awful? No vanity, no friends/ loved ones? How can he expect to inspire confidence? I wouldn't vote for a person for high office who is one donut away from a heart attack, stroke, or hospitalization for asthma (which happened recently)? I don't get it. I know that it is difficult to lose weight and keep it off, but it looks like he just doesn't care. End of diatribe.

not that Dewey January 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

Obviously, Chris Christie is morally weak.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 10:11 pm

The motherfucker takes a helicopter to his kids softball game or whatever. This is a guy who clearly takes the shortest possible route to anything, you know? I am pretty sure his thinking goes: "Why run on a treadmill for half an hour when you can sit on your fat ass and do nothing?"

MissTaken January 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

You know Christie, the dreaded Freshman 15 is supposed to take a full year, not just Friday night.

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

He's an overachiever.

Tundra Grifter January 13, 2012 at 10:07 am

I think I posted this before (after some 2,300 it's hard to remember them all). It is worth repeating.

When the Spanish cruiser Vizcaya was shelled and started burning during the Battle of Santiago Bay, the American sailors on board the USS Texas began to celebrate.

"Don't cheer, boys," ordered Capt. John Woodward, "the poor devils are dying."

A warrior treats with respect the bodies of his or her enemies – for many reasons, including the obvious one that that is the way they would want to be treated.

Generation[redacted] January 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

Seriously, if a woman I started dating suggested stealing donuts, I would run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's like the guy lives in a Simpsons cartoon. I was lucky to meet someone who likes the same vegan restaurants and we haven't had donuts for breakfast, ever — okay, bignets once.

Instead of bringing her flowers, did he bring her a baker's dozen? And another for himself? Do they eat while having sex? What fresh-baked hell is this?

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

"Do they eat while having sex?"

I picture more of a-
Mr.: Wanna have sex?
Mrs.: Sure big fella…
*5 minutes later*
Mrs.: I can't find it.
Mr.: Wanna just grab some donuts?

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 10:11 am

So Christie's fondest romantic memory is committing grand theft doughnut? Makes sense, as that sociopath's biggest accomplishment as governor has been stealing from Jersey's state workers' paychecks to give tax cuts to the state's richest residents.

JustPixelz January 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

Stephen Colbert … has “officially” “announced” his write-in “candidacy” for “President of the United States of South Carolina”

Watch out Mitt, there's a new comedian in town. "Corporations are people." "I'm unemployed too." "I like to fire people." You're going to have amp-up your material.

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

Man, there was surprising less paperwork in transferring a ridiculous (apparently) sum of money from a Super Pac then in a… let's see… hmm… say, a modification of a mortgage.

Rosie_Scenario January 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

But the NY Times Style manual is sacrosanct, of course. Shouldn't we expect to see one of those small font "corrections" one of these days, re: use of the term "enhanced interrogation" for waterboarding instead of the correct "torture." I won't hold my breath for a cheery: "We regret the error." Regrets, we all have more than a few.

James Michael Curley January 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

"Drumthwacket" is Scottish for 'Time to make the donuts!!'

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

Chris Christis, the "Doughnut-making Jobs" Creator. I get it now.

So, just exactly how many Dunkin' Donuts stores does he personally support?

The first "All of them, Katie" response gets a Gold Star for the day.

Dashboard Buddha January 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

All of them, Katie

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

GOLD STAR! Congratulations. I'd give you a Laurel and Hearty handshake, but Barry took the last one.

Guppy January 13, 2012 at 10:49 am

You know who else was "really spontaneous?"

SorosBot January 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

Every manic pixie dream girl ever?

Guppy January 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

I was thinking more along the lines of Charles Manson, but hey, whatever works.

widestanceshakedown January 13, 2012 at 10:53 am

I'm guessing afterplay involved being hosed down first so they didn't clog the car wash/shower drain as they languished in the afterglow/stomachache.

friendlyskies January 13, 2012 at 11:01 am

Proving once again that Chris "Christ" Christie is one of the few politicians who is truly in touch with the Republican base.

meatlofer January 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

I ate the doughnuts! But I did not eat the Holes! Herman Cain ate the holes!

poncho_pilot January 13, 2012 at 2:18 pm

but Christie Creme did inhale.

BZ1 January 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

The New Republic doesn't even try.. truthiness is dead

twoeightnine January 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

"The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!"

That's obviously because you do not know how the hole gets in them.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 13, 2012 at 11:22 am

Back in the day, we used to string up doughnut thieves. Just make sure the tree is good and sturdy like an oak or hickory otherwise it gets real messy. Don’t ask.

ttommyunger January 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

Sadly, the Governor's wife will one day realize her hubby is still totally devoted to and fixated on his first love: FOOD!

proudgrampa January 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

If The NY Times has to figure out whether it's in the Truth business or not, it just furthers its own irrelevance.

Really pathetic.

"Facts? I don' got ta show you no steenkin' facts."

DaSandman January 13, 2012 at 11:29 am

So the lesson of the day…don't piss on donuts?

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 10:15 pm

If I know they were destined for Chris Christie, I'd do worse than pee on them.

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 11:32 am

the whole of the internet collectively freaked out yesterday

oh good, cause i was worried the internet was a calm and rational place.

user-of-owls January 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

Yeah, about that whole “In no other country on Earth is my story even possible,” thing. Unless Barry was raised by subsistence farmers, rose to head up a coca farmers' union, was elected by a historic landslide and then proceeded to actually 'redistribute the wealth,' well, maybe not so much on the exceptionalismo.

KenLayIsAlive January 13, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Only because in no other country would it be such a miracle for a Black guy to be elected president.

hagajim January 13, 2012 at 11:41 am

So why doesn't the Wonkette start its own SuperPac (in time for 2016). We could all then get together to run ads making a mockery of the system and the candidates. If ya can't beat them – join them and make a big joke of it.

poncho_pilot January 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

i'm down for this. but…uh…can someone lend me some money to…uh…donate?

poncho_pilot January 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

From Donut Burglar To Steel-Reinforced Toilet Donut: A Love Story.

deanbooth January 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

MILK IN THE BATTER! MILK IN THE BATTER!
WE BAKE CAKE AND NOTHING’S THE MATTER!
I'M NOT THE MILK AND THE MILK'S NOT ME!
I'M CHRISTIE!

prommie January 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Christie is the venomous, obese imbecile in-chief.

smokefillednewyear January 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Why couldn't they have bonded over something that wasn't food? Sheesh..

comrad_darkness January 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Ich ein Jelly Donut!

owhatever January 13, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Governor, I also suffer from a Krispy Kreme addiction. There is nothing better than a dozen KKs. Not even Tebow. But I decided to live longer and stopped eating them.

extreme_left January 13, 2012 at 8:04 pm

That's what Ma and Da said before they disappeared for a bit…never did see those Donuts though.

coron4 January 14, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Promote this guy! He did not call it "daring-do." Awesome!

Goonemeritus January 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

I think you both make excellent points, I do believe it is more than just manners here. There is any number of reasons why conventions of respect should be shown to fallen enemy combatants. However in a world were kids grow up tea-bagging in Halo and than transition to a battlefield filled with people we define in the media as subhuman can we expect anything else. I would sooner see some of the professional hate talkers go to jail than these four. That said go to jail they will and must.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

What diplomatic skill, you peacemaker, you. Of course you are right, and so is Negropolis. Its still a crazy world.

GhostBuggy January 13, 2012 at 11:16 am

Wait, you can teabag people in Halo? What's the button combo for that?

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

Yet another opportunity for the hubs to work whilst I sit upon my also skinnier than Falstaff ass. I'm gonna check and see if they're all booked up on old chick porn actresses. Cougs seem to be an actual thing on the ppv. God Bless Stifler's Mom Forever.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:23 am

Do we lead similar lives? I travel the world carrying the spousal bags while she attends conventions and board meetings and I go on excursion tours with the other wives.

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 10:27 am

Indeed. Stanhope is incredibly erudite for being an unshaven slacker.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

Watch Don't Work Hard, Excess in moderation, and the one that starts out with "You ever try to go to sleep SOBER?" The clip is called "The Carnival" or something like that.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

Yeah, but I don't even have to carry anything – and that is why I don't bitch much about sexism, cause I am one. You're invited to "spousal spa day on the company" anytime.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

Oh dear lord I'm listening to "some troops are assholes" right now. It's a tidge timely what with the peeing and all, and you CAN suck a dick for money instead of going in to the military, t'is true. I'd swear he really is drunk. Awesome.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:39 am

He's the only libertarian I can stomach.

KeepFnThatChicken January 13, 2012 at 11:13 am

I agree with Prommie on "Excess in Moderation". His finest work.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

Haha, we may well meet on the road sometime, I could have been in Vegas this week, the Esso is there now, even, we missed it by only one week. Eat at Bouchon, you must, you must, and the Thai place in the strip mall, the famous thai place where dinner for 2 costs $25 and its said to be the best Thai food in Amurrica.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

He has more humility, and less contempt for the audience, than Hicks.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 10:50 am

Absolutely. I am in, 2 for $25 sounds remarkable! And I have written down Bouchon as well.
It'll happen ONE DAY and, I'll just know it's you…(I see a bunch of stranger-dudes at hotels in my future yelling at me, "get off me weirdo, what the fuck is a prommie?")

prommie January 13, 2012 at 10:57 am

I'll just assume you look exactly like your avatar.

FakaktaSouth January 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

Pretty much, at least that's what my kids tell me.

fuflans January 13, 2012 at 11:25 am

i have no idea what you just said.

i am very sad for my advancing years.

Gainsbourg69 January 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

XXOOY

prommie January 13, 2012 at 11:32 am

I will keep an eye out for the funny drunken temptress.

prommie January 13, 2012 at 11:58 am

As if I am not always looking for a funny drunken temptress.

Chet Kincaid January 13, 2012 at 11:54 am

(spit-take)

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