miracles really do happen

Fred Karger Achieves Dream of Beating Bachmann In At Least One Primary

It's a late Festivus present!

SHAME on your Wonkette for forgetting to follow up on the final results for the 9th thru 87th place finishers in the New Hampshire GOP primary! Well anyway, here is the “important” part: the (openly) gay dude beat Michele Bachmann! She quit the race several days before the primary of course, but that is SO not going to spoil Fred Karger’s party.

From the Advocate:

“Congresswoman Bachmann was in 12 national debates, raised $10 to $12 million, received massive news coverage, has huge name ID and we beat her in New Hampshire,” Karger cheered in a statement. “Early last month I said that I wanted to beat Santorum or Bachmann in New Hampshire. It’s a big win for me.”

A fair enough point. A search of the Wonkette archives turns up several million weepy posts about Michele Bachmann’s lunacy, and a whole one about Karger, whose actual official campaign slogan is “Fred Who?”

Well now we have the answer: “Gay man Fred Karger, who is better loved by New Hampshire Republicans than famous homophobe beard Michele Bachmann,” is who. DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE, Fred Karger, if Marcus Bachmann calls to offer a special concession kiss. [Twitter/ Advocate]

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Fred Karger 2012: Money well spent.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Hehe…."spent".

  • memzilla

    Where's my fleece jacket, Michele???

    • nounverb911

      If you ordered one, you're being fleeced.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      You'll have to settle for a Santorum vest now.

  • MissTaken

    My goal is to beat Michele Bachmann, too

    • CapnFatback

      GAH! Your snark finger is quicker and itchier.

    • MosesInvests

      With a 2×4, presumably?

      • MzNicky

        D'oh! I was gonna say that.

    • SorosBot

      I would watch that.

      • MissTaken

        You have to bring the llama, though.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Think of the money we could make off of the DVD sales alone.

      • NYNYNYjr

        People don't buy DVDs anymore. We went back to laserdiscs.

    • Negropolis

      With a coat hanger.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Lizard People remain unbowed. Mostly because their spines don't bend that way.

    • NYNYNYjr

      We find that term offensive. We prefer to be called Latter Day Saints.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Baby steps. Baby steps.

  • banana_bread

    Well, we all have to cling to our dreams.

    • MissTaken

      Better than clinging to guns or religion.

      • CapnFatback

        Or Santorum.

        • banana_bread

          It was my impression that Santorum is too slick to really cling to.

        • MissTaken

          Santorum is very bitter.

          • emmelemm

            And it DOES NOT taste like peanut butter.

          • Loaded_Pants

            I don't wanna know how you know this.

  • AlterNewt

    So, GAY Republicans are stupid as well?

    • SorosBot

      Being members of a party that absolutely loathes them for who they are, I would say yes.

      • BigDumbRedDog

        gay republicans are the stupidest of all the republicans.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Oh you should just see the little snits GOProud gets itself into. They're like stereotypes of catty, mean & bitter queens.
          They make the Log Cabin Republicans look sane & well-adjusted.

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          Gay Republicans are the stupidest of all gay people.

          • Loaded_Pants

            I recall that, around the time W was "elected", there was a gay conservative group that popped up that got an endorsement from Barry Goldwater. I can't remember the name of it but I know that it didn't last very long. GOProud's just the current version of such groups. They don't seem to take the hint that because the party is dominated by moralizing bullies, they aren't welcome under the alleged "big tent".

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            I only know one gay Republican — interior designer, Southern Baptist, hostile when drunk — and generalizing from his example, I think it's the same phenomenon as black or (non-Cuban) Latino Republicans. They want to assimilate. They want to be respected by the yacht club/country club popular kids.

          • AlterNewt

            "– interior designer, Southern Baptist, hostile when drunk –"

            That's beautiful.

          • Loaded_Pants

            The only major gay Republican I met lived in the Windsor Farms community here. He was neighbors with the Hager family that Jenna Bush would marry into. He and his partner had residences in Richmond & NYC. Ironically, he was also one of Madonna's hairstylists. He has tons of money & is a mean drunk, too. So…no surprises there.

          • Negropolis

            Wait, gay and still considers himself a Southern Baptist? That's even worse than being a non-religious gay Republican. There are few things Southern Baptists hate more than gays.

          • BigDumbRedDog

            that too, but being the stupidest republican is more of an insult. i mean, there are a LOT of stupid republicans.

  • CapnFatback

    New Hampshire, New Pap Smear–I just want to beat Michele Bachmann.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I said that I wanted to beat Santorum or Bachmann in New Hampshire. It’s a big win for me.

    That's kind of like saying, "Our goal was to summarily defeat either the Roman Empire or the Republic of Djibouti. I'm glad to say we can call today a victory."

    • nounverb911

      Sounds just like Reagan and Grenada.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

  • neiltheblaze

    I hope he means that in an idealistic sense and not like, you know, it actually has meaning.

  • Schmannnity

    Still, she can beat a gay man at home.

    • neiltheblaze

      Yes, that's that's the game where Shelly puts on the Cat Woman costume, and Marcus wears pumps, garters, and a feather boa.

      • Schmannnity

        J. Edgar vs. Catwoman, a Bachmann family favorite.

        • MzNicky

          Is a 2 x 4 involved? Please say it is.

  • SorosBot

    It's not the first time Michele Bachmann had a gay man on top of her.

    • MissTaken

      But I'm sure Fred is the first to actually enjoy it.

      • SorosBot

        Marcus has to close his eyes and think about buff football players in the locker room after the game, horsing around with each other…

        • MissTaken

          And here I thought Marcus and I had nothing in common.

          • SorosBot

            You don't do it while having to fuck crazy-eyed Michele though, so you come out on top.

          • MissTaken

            Yes, I do come on top

          • SorosBot

            OK now your trying to turn us on again; this makes up for that Margaret Thatcher thing.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            You've tried to "cure" gay teenage boys as well?

        • Radiotherapy

          think about buff football players

          Tebow?

          • SorosBot

            Marcus' man-lust for Tebow matches that of CBS's announcers.

          • flamingpdog

            Not Buff football players.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Kick her while she's down!

    • Angry_Marmot

      You know she'd do the same to you.

  • edgydrifter

    On the other hand, Fred, one might say you barely beat a person who was both unambiguously insane and not actually running anymore. And who, as you point out, may have ten or twelve million dollars sitting in the bank–enough to keep Marcus in plus-sized fishnet stockings basically forever. GG, Fred. You the man!

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Too many want to beat off to Bachmann

    • SorosBot

      Ooh no please.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Crazy in the eyes, cricket sounds between the thighs.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Were the crickets caught in the spider webs?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

    Michele's a bottom. Who knew?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem is, Michele likes being beating by a gay man.

  • Extemporanus

    I believe this is what's known as a "queerrhic victory".

    • MzNicky

      Nicely done!

    • Negropolis

      Queer hick victory?

      Rick Perry libel!

    • bagofmice

      Burn!

  • owhatever

    Yea.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    This reminds me of that time that my softball team actually won a game because the other team forgot to show up. That was an awesome day.

  • Baconzgood

    It was the news coverage that fucked her. You might be THAT bat shit insane in your little corner of Jessie "The Body" country, but when the nation hears Minn. on the news, all the MST3K fans stand up and listen. Bachmann you are funny BUT NOT A CROW T. ROBOT FUNNY!!!!

    • Angry_Marmot

      Haikeeba!

    • Loaded_Pants

      God, I loved that show.
      I think Kevin Murphy's "A Year at the Movies: One Man's Filmgoing Odyssey" is one of the best books about movies. I wish he'd do a follow-up. Mike Nelson's books aren't too shabby, either.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Marcus wants to know if it was a come from behind victory.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Grindin at da club!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      More like a come in behind story.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Marcus loves this position because he doesn't have to look at her face. Instead, he can just look at her broad shoulders & think of a 19-yr-old twink that he's "curing".

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Especially if it involved some santorum.

  • coolhandnuke

    Not having a whiff of an idea what a Fred Karger looks like, I would hope he is the doppleganger to Dan Ackroyd's SNL character Fred Gavin male prostitute.

  • Callyson

    “Now, it's off to Michigan for its primary next month," Karger said. "I will be competing in Michigan primary no matter what.”
    South Carolina and Florida, on the other hand, can forget it unless they pony up $10-12M…

    • Negropolis

      Please. Michigan is moved to a date that may make it far less consequential, but Karger couldn't compete here even then. This is a state with a single metropolitan area as populous as the entire state of South Carolina. Good luck getting on television in that media market, and that's not even to mention West Michigan, another region with a population over a million.

  • Nostrildamus

    Vermin Supreme: 3 votes!!!

    • Loaded_Pants

      "fringe candidate Vermin Supreme"

      In a story about Ron Paul's campaign, no less. Was the writer even paying attention?

  • Guppy

    "the (openly) gay dude beat Michele Bachmann"

    in Marcus' heart.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's like saying you beat a dead guy in a foot race. IIRC Mish's campaign was pronounced dead in Iowa.

    Hey look at this way Fred, you're still better than John Ashcroft.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Marcus Bachmann, responding to the news of his wife getting beat by an openly gay man, said, "Oh, that naughty boy."

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      A Barbarian!

  • WhatTheHeck

    Who are these 347 dolts who voted for her?

    • MzNicky

      Confused Sarah Palin fans?

  • Steverino247

    283 R's wrote in Obama. That's some interesting news.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      S'more cheer.

  • flamingpdog

    Not to take any of the glory away from Fred Karger's victory over Che1y, but shouldn't we all be celebrating our own Barry Obama's 283-161 vote victory over Herb Cain in the Rethuglican primary?

    • Steverino247

      That's because our blacks are better than their blacks.

  • MzNicky

    Yay for the Gay Guy Freddie Krueger! Oh wait, that's someone else, isn't it. Well — YAY for him anyway, whoever he is!

  • ttommyunger

    Does Fred run a prison ministry? Sounds like he's hit his head against the bars one too many times.

  • Negropolis

    OMG, Fred! You beat someone that wasn't even running, anymore! You get a gold star!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Buddy Roehmer? Andy Martin? Steven Colbert?

  • Fawkdifiknow

    Unless he pronounces it "Karjay", he sure doesn't seem gay to me.

  • MinAgain

    I would imagine that a lot of people dream about beating Michele Bachmann. With a big stick.

  • Negropolis

    Black lesbian Muslins, my friend.

  • HistoriCat

    Damn it. You win this round.

    I used to think that a black Muslin lesbian in a wheelchair couldn't be topped … then I realized the concept was only humorous if she was a Republican.

  • AlterNewt

    Ahem…Black lesbain SOCIALIST Muslin in a wheelchair…