MIRACLES REALLY DO HAPPEN  6:20 pm January 12, 2012

Fred Karger Achieves Dream of Beating Bachmann In At Least One Primary

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

It's a late Festivus present!

SHAME on your Wonkette for forgetting to follow up on the final results for the 9th thru 87th place finishers in the New Hampshire GOP primary! Well anyway, here is the “important” part: the (openly) gay dude beat Michele Bachmann! She quit the race several days before the primary of course, but that is SO not going to spoil Fred Karger’s party.

From the Advocate:

“Congresswoman Bachmann was in 12 national debates, raised $10 to $12 million, received massive news coverage, has huge name ID and we beat her in New Hampshire,” Karger cheered in a statement. “Early last month I said that I wanted to beat Santorum or Bachmann in New Hampshire. It’s a big win for me.”

A fair enough point. A search of the Wonkette archives turns up several million weepy posts about Michele Bachmann’s lunacy, and a whole one about Karger, whose actual official campaign slogan is “Fred Who?”

Well now we have the answer: “Gay man Fred Karger, who is better loved by New Hampshire Republicans than famous homophobe beard Michele Bachmann,” is who. DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE, Fred Karger, if Marcus Bachmann calls to offer a special concession kiss. [Twitter/ Advocate]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 102 comments }

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Fred Karger 2012: Money well spent.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Hehe…."spent".

memzilla January 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Where's my fleece jacket, Michele???

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

If you ordered one, you're being fleeced.

Chillwillard January 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

You'll have to settle for a Santorum vest now.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

My goal is to beat Michele Bachmann, too

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

GAH! Your snark finger is quicker and itchier.

MosesInvests January 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

With a 2×4, presumably?

MzNicky January 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

D'oh! I was gonna say that.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I would watch that.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm

You have to bring the llama, though.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Think of the money we could make off of the DVD sales alone.

NYNYNYjr January 12, 2012 at 7:59 pm

People don't buy DVDs anymore. We went back to laserdiscs.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 11:34 pm

With a coat hanger.

SayItWithWookies January 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

The Lizard People remain unbowed. Mostly because their spines don't bend that way.

NYNYNYjr January 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

We find that term offensive. We prefer to be called Latter Day Saints.

DerrickWildcat January 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Baby steps. Baby steps.

banana_bread January 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Well, we all have to cling to our dreams.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Better than clinging to guns or religion.

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Or Santorum.

banana_bread January 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It was my impression that Santorum is too slick to really cling to.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Santorum is very bitter.

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

And it DOES NOT taste like peanut butter.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I don't wanna know how you know this.

AlterNewt January 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

So, GAY Republicans are stupid as well?

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Being members of a party that absolutely loathes them for who they are, I would say yes.

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

gay republicans are the stupidest of all the republicans.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Oh you should just see the little snits GOProud gets itself into. They're like stereotypes of catty, mean & bitter queens.
They make the Log Cabin Republicans look sane & well-adjusted.

Spurning Beer January 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Gay Republicans are the stupidest of all gay people.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I recall that, around the time W was "elected", there was a gay conservative group that popped up that got an endorsement from Barry Goldwater. I can't remember the name of it but I know that it didn't last very long. GOProud's just the current version of such groups. They don't seem to take the hint that because the party is dominated by moralizing bullies, they aren't welcome under the alleged "big tent".

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 10:10 pm

that too, but being the stupidest republican is more of an insult. i mean, there are a LOT of stupid republicans.

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

New Hampshire, New Pap Smear–I just want to beat Michele Bachmann.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I said that I wanted to beat Santorum or Bachmann in New Hampshire. It’s a big win for me.

That's kind of like saying, "Our goal was to summarily defeat either the Roman Empire or the Republic of Djibouti. I'm glad to say we can call today a victory."

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Sounds just like Reagan and Grenada.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 12, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

neiltheblaze January 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I hope he means that in an idealistic sense and not like, you know, it actually has meaning.

Schmannnity January 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Still, she can beat a gay man at home.

neiltheblaze January 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Yes, that's that's the game where Shelly puts on the Cat Woman costume, and Marcus wears pumps, garters, and a feather boa.

Schmannnity January 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

J. Edgar vs. Catwoman, a Bachmann family favorite.

MzNicky January 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Is a 2 x 4 involved? Please say it is.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It's not the first time Michele Bachmann had a gay man on top of her.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

But I'm sure Fred is the first to actually enjoy it.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Marcus has to close his eyes and think about buff football players in the locker room after the game, horsing around with each other…

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

And here I thought Marcus and I had nothing in common.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

You don't do it while having to fuck crazy-eyed Michele though, so you come out on top.

Chet Kincaid January 12, 2012 at 6:57 pm

You've tried to "cure" gay teenage boys as well?

Radiotherapy January 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

think about buff football players

Tebow?

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Marcus' man-lust for Tebow matches that of CBS's announcers.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Not Buff football players.

Chillwillard January 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Kick her while she's down!

Angry_Marmot January 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

You know she'd do the same to you.

edgydrifter January 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

On the other hand, Fred, one might say you barely beat a person who was both unambiguously insane and not actually running anymore. And who, as you point out, may have ten or twelve million dollars sitting in the bank–enough to keep Marcus in plus-sized fishnet stockings basically forever. GG, Fred. You the man!

OCcupied_Surf_Serf January 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Too many want to beat off to Bachmann

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Ooh no please.

Angry_Marmot January 12, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Crazy in the eyes, cricket sounds between the thighs.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Were the crickets caught in the spider webs?

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Michele's a bottom. Who knew?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 12, 2012 at 6:38 pm

The problem is, Michele likes being beating by a gay man.

Extemporanus January 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I believe this is what's known as a "queerrhic victory".

MzNicky January 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Nicely done!

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Queer hick victory?

Rick Perry libel!

bagofmice January 13, 2012 at 2:06 am

Burn!

owhatever January 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Yea.

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

This reminds me of that time that my softball team actually won a game because the other team forgot to show up. That was an awesome day.

Baconzgood January 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

It was the news coverage that fucked her. You might be THAT bat shit insane in your little corner of Jessie "The Body" country, but when the nation hears Minn. on the news, all the MST3K fans stand up and listen. Bachmann you are funny BUT NOT A CROW T. ROBOT FUNNY!!!!

Angry_Marmot January 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Haikeeba!

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

God, I loved that show.
I think Kevin Murphy's "A Year at the Movies: One Man's Filmgoing Odyssey" is one of the best books about movies. I wish he'd do a follow-up. Mike Nelson's books aren't too shabby, either.

Harry_S_Truman January 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Marcus wants to know if it was a come from behind victory.

Chet Kincaid January 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Grindin at da club!

ManchuCandidate January 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

More like a come in behind story.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Marcus loves this position because he doesn't have to look at her face. Instead, he can just look at her broad shoulders & think of a 19-yr-old twink that he's "curing".

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 13, 2012 at 1:25 am

Especially if it involved some santorum.

coolhandnuke January 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Not having a whiff of an idea what a Fred Karger looks like, I would hope he is the doppleganger to Dan Ackroyd's SNL character Fred Gavin male prostitute.

Callyson January 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

“Now, it's off to Michigan for its primary next month," Karger said. "I will be competing in Michigan primary no matter what.”
South Carolina and Florida, on the other hand, can forget it unless they pony up $10-12M…

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

Please. Michigan is moved to a date that may make it far less consequential, but Karger couldn't compete here even then. This is a state with a single metropolitan area as populous as the entire state of South Carolina. Good luck getting on television in that media market, and that's not even to mention West Michigan, another region with a population over a million.

Nostrildamus January 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Vermin Supreme: 3 votes!!!

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"fringe candidate Vermin Supreme"

In a story about Ron Paul's campaign, no less. Was the writer even paying attention?

Guppy January 12, 2012 at 7:06 pm

"the (openly) gay dude beat Michele Bachmann"

in Marcus' heart.

ManchuCandidate January 12, 2012 at 7:06 pm

It's like saying you beat a dead guy in a foot race. IIRC Mish's campaign was pronounced dead in Iowa.

Hey look at this way Fred, you're still better than John Ashcroft.

Harry_S_Truman January 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Marcus Bachmann, responding to the news of his wife getting beat by an openly gay man, said, "Oh, that naughty boy."

Spurning Beer January 12, 2012 at 9:23 pm

A Barbarian!

WhatTheHeck January 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Who are these 347 dolts who voted for her?

MzNicky January 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Confused Sarah Palin fans?

Steverino247 January 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

283 R's wrote in Obama. That's some interesting news.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 9:44 pm

S'more cheer.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Not to take any of the glory away from Fred Karger's victory over Che1y, but shouldn't we all be celebrating our own Barry Obama's 283-161 vote victory over Herb Cain in the Rethuglican primary?

Steverino247 January 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

That's because our blacks are better than their blacks.

MzNicky January 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Yay for the Gay Guy Freddie Krueger! Oh wait, that's someone else, isn't it. Well — YAY for him anyway, whoever he is!

ttommyunger January 12, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Does Fred run a prison ministry? Sounds like he's hit his head against the bars one too many times.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 11:12 pm

OMG, Fred! You beat someone that wasn't even running, anymore! You get a gold star!

BZ1 January 12, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Buddy Roehmer? Andy Martin? Steven Colbert?

Fawkdifiknow January 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

Unless he pronounces it "Karjay", he sure doesn't seem gay to me.

MinAgain January 13, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I would imagine that a lot of people dream about beating Michele Bachmann. With a big stick.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Yes, I do come on top

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

OK now your trying to turn us on again; this makes up for that Margaret Thatcher thing.

Spurning Beer January 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I only know one gay Republican — interior designer, Southern Baptist, hostile when drunk — and generalizing from his example, I think it's the same phenomenon as black or (non-Cuban) Latino Republicans. They want to assimilate. They want to be respected by the yacht club/country club popular kids.

AlterNewt January 12, 2012 at 10:36 pm

"– interior designer, Southern Baptist, hostile when drunk –"

That's beautiful.

Loaded_Pants January 12, 2012 at 10:49 pm

The only major gay Republican I met lived in the Windsor Farms community here. He was neighbors with the Hager family that Jenna Bush would marry into. He and his partner had residences in Richmond & NYC. Ironically, he was also one of Madonna's hairstylists. He has tons of money & is a mean drunk, too. So…no surprises there.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Wait, gay and still considers himself a Southern Baptist? That's even worse than being a non-religious gay Republican. There are few things Southern Baptists hate more than gays.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Black lesbian Muslins, my friend.

HistoriCat January 13, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Damn it. You win this round.

I used to think that a black Muslin lesbian in a wheelchair couldn't be topped … then I realized the concept was only humorous if she was a Republican.

AlterNewt January 14, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Ahem…Black lesbain SOCIALIST Muslin in a wheelchair…

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