After today’s news about yet another reason for the whole world to despise Americans, Wonkette commenters discussed ways of avoiding death by angry mobs while traveling abroad. Ideas included dressing in the costume of a Canadian, and probably “weeping under the bed at a hotel.” But commenter GregComlish wins the afternoon with his comment:
I just say things like:
“Your typical American is an obese, gullible imbecile. They are venomous people with the same ethics as their corporate overlords with whom they actively collaborate. Their bigotry is easily manipulated by corporate media. They don’t give two shits about their own lives being thrown in the gutter as long as they get their chance to step on somebody even farther below them. They uphold sadistic beauty standards, even though they collectively are the most physically repulsive people on earth. They hate themselves for being ugly, stupid, shallow failures, but embrace religious fundamentalism to externalize that hatred onto everybody else. They are cowards who listen to right-wing radio so they can vicariously bully all the people they are too chickenshit to confront in person. It is a nation of Sarah Palins. So fuck them. They can take their patriotism and shove it up their huge asses.”
{ 127 comments }
I assumed this was a post about Gingrich before reading.
I was going with The Donald. But, yeah, yours.
I assumed it was a post about Gingrich after reading.
*Rimshot*
I *was* sort of looking forward to an interesting discourse about the entire Republican lineup. Sigh.
Her Majesty Peg O' Noonan described Newt best as an "angry little attack muffin".
See? Journalism.
Greg Cumlish, somebody is bucking for a Phewlitzer Prize, eh?
Whatevz. Ur jellus of r freedomz.
You are not free. You are a slave.
and r spellin
That really is pretty damn awesome.
And I put a Canadian flag patch on my backpack.
And that's before GregComlish even got to Talladega.
Congratulations, well deserved.
Congrats GregComlish! ? Fuck, I'm so depressed now. That comment is like a mirror.
I want this on my size XXXL t-shirt.
Can I get one of those shirts? I'll need it upgraded to an extra-husky.
Pit Viper Slander!, hisses the Gaboon Viper.
P.S. Correction!
The Viperinae, or viperines, are a subfamily of venomous vipers found in Europe, Asia and Africa. They are distinguished by their lack of the heat-sensing pit organs that characterize their sister group, the Crotalinae.
Therefore the Gaboon viper (Bitis gabonica) is not a pit viper.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©, LLC apologizes to any and all offended by the error.
~
Fuck I hate venomous snakes, though I have one tattooed on my arm…
Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
Frank Booth win!
do you know what a love letter is?
"Your typical American…"
I am proudly atypical. Though Mr. Comlish seems pretty comfortable with bigotry.
Here's a rewrite for posting to NewsMax or whatever:
“Your typical American is a pseudointellectual, gullible imbecile. They are pantywaist people with the same ethics as their union overlords with whom they actively collaborate. Their bigotry is easily manipulated by liberal media. They don’t give two shits about their own wallets being cash-raped as long as they get their chance to step on somebody above them who creates jobs. They uphold sadistic beauty standards, even though they collectively are the most physically repulsive people on earth. They hate themselves for being ugly, stupid, shallow failures, but embrace idiot environmentalism to externalize that hatred onto everybody else. They are cowards who watch left-wing comedy central shows so they can vicariously bully all the people they are too chickenshit to confront in person. It is a nation of Al Frankens. So fuck them. They can take their holier-than-thou smugness and shove it up their elitist asses.”
It's pretty easy to demonize an idealized version of the people you disagree with, is my point.
Now I'm confused. You are saying there are like, two sides, to every issue? Whaa?
But not so easy to make sense?
Where did the downfist button go? (Asks a non-American.)
Truth and Facts do hurt.
Boy I sure loves me some gross generalizations. They are so helpful, and easy, and accurate. Like those ones about cowardly, cheese eating Frenchies? And the irrelevant, backward Canadiens? I love those.
WOAH! GregComlish….Man you really pegged us. Smart dude.
Nicely done! My favorite descriptive phrase for most Merkins is 'gluttonous complacent soulless capitalist pighog'.
Greg's comment needs more pee (the good kind, of course).
His bit about the how-to video for beating the crap out of O'Keefe was spot-on, as well.
From whence hails this Mister Commlish, anyways? Smells kinda furriny to me.
Commie-lish, if ya ax me.
ohhhhhho – - touché, my friend!
Hopefully, he hails from somewhere near a Marine base where soldiers have mighty full bladders.
Aw, geez, Barb!
Too soon! Wait, what am I talking about? This is just normal USMC behavior.
Congratulations, Greg.
Sure, he acts like he hates us. I bet he likes to tuck his penis under, drape himself in an American flag and tiara and proclaim himself Miss America.
Hey, doesn't that more or less exactly sum up Sandra Bernhard's "Without You I'm Nothing"?
***SPROING***
MY EYE!!!
Hehe. Nope, but I admit that having one partner dress like Ms. South Carolina and then mumble incoherently about maps would be an excellent scenario for some "slutty ditz" fantasy roleplay.
You have a kinda/ sorta shout-out up there too Soros. I remembered your Canada remark but hadn't gone back to revisit the now-celebrated additional remark(s).
Man, I'm glad I am the definition of atypical. Otherwise I would be curled up in a ball crying right now.
'S OK. I'm curled up in a ball crying FOR you, in my venomous, obese, gullible, imbecilic way. (sobs loudly)
Otherwise I would be curled up in a ball crying right now.
Psh. Typical…
OK, and the article about the crowd at the RNC convention is complete, months in advance. Well done!
Is it wrong of me to immediately tweet this delightful literary effort to the entire fucking universe?
As long as it includes all of the Lou Sarah aliases.
Pls 2 froward list.
SOPA will getcha if ya don't watch out.
Rate I'm going, SOPA's gonna get me anyway.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing! Not enough AlkaSeltzer for all that bloat.
Who are you, GregComlish, and why are you so smart?
We resemble that remark.
Unfortunately.
Hate to agree with some guy calling me (lumping all of us together) a fat asshole – but sometimes the shoe fits….or the fat jeans.
For the record, I am neither fat nor an asshole – nor for that matter religious, so I guess I need to move.
I was sweating bullets there for awhile, thinking he would eventually get to me, but thankfully he left "beer guzzling pot heads" off his list, so I'm good to go!
I'll let him know. Maybe he can gitchu on the next round.
I am fat, but not an asshole…for a given value of asshole.
This stereotypical American also thinks the average Canadian or European would sell their grandmothers for the chance to breathe some of that sweet, sweet, deep-fried-Twinkies scented air.
Oh noes! Hostess is going bankrupt! What will we scent our American Air with? Get out to the market and support America by buying all of the Twinkies and Ding-Dongs right now!
If you visit American city
You will find it very pretty
Just two things of which you must beware
Don't drink the water, and don't breathe the air
Pollution! Pollution! They got smog and sewage and mud
Turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud
Vintage Tom Lehrer, from damn near 50 years ago now…
Told you I was an old fart, dood.
Here in Seattle we just had to wait for the hostess factory to burn down. A smell like no other.
Kiss your mother with that mouth? Give her a smooch for me.
I've been wondering how to describe my perfect match on my eharmony profile, thanks!
Girl, you gonna be knee deep in responses.
Eharmony…lol. I used that once. I had graduate classes that required less writing that that place. I just loved writing 500 word dissertations about the nature of love and how that fits with my values.
Hmm and I guess that is what I get for signing up on match.com. I guess I don't look very good on paper. Didn't they promise us a wonket dating service that one time we did that survey?
anyway, ladies in the bay area, there's free dinner on the line…
Dating service? That shit's working. I already got me and Jukesgrrl moving to Ecuador like… soonish-ly.
Nothin' 'bout Truck Nutz?!?
Christ — first Hostess declares bankruptcy and now this.
But Greg, tell us how you REALLY feel!
Don't forget that we pee on corpses!
I've never really had trouble traveling internationally as an American. I just try to blend in and not be a dick.
WASILLA HILLBILLIES LIBEL!!!
I know you are but what am I?
Greg.. *ahem*. . . you forgot one additional denigrating characteristic of our skank-driven subculture: "basketbawful."
Aww shucks guys! Some days it feels like I'm just wasting away at my job, wondering if there's anybody out there who appreciates my quips, cynicism, and lurid speculation about Abby Huntsman's magic Mormon panties. And just want to say how great it is to be part of the Wonkette family. You guys are the best!
You'll never be a narcissist with that kind of attitude.
Well, I suck pretty bad, but congrats anyway.
If it makes you feel better about your sucking, I honestly haven't met a shark who could give a decent blow job yet. No lips, and too many teeth. Have you considered working on your fin job? Can you do anything with those gills?
Truly well done sir, you have captured American Exceptionalism.
Not to pile on but you write that vivid thumbnail portrait and then use "lurid speculation" in a follow-up? Be still my English-teacher heart.
Nailed it!
As Dave Grohl would say, "If the Foo shits,…"
The English, on the other hand, are large-breasted, free with their sexual favours, saracstic, cheap drunks, witty and delightful.
I'm a very expensive drunk, I'll have you know, although Mrs Max has put the mockers on the free with sexual favours bit..
I am sniff of the barmaid's apron kind of drunk and only free with the sexual favours with MrLimeyLizzie these days.
Ah gives me an association to place with Merry Old England
When they're not busy stabbing everybody and attending "royal" weddings.
Knife crime libel!
Well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the tundra.
"They uphold sadistic beauty standards, even though they collectively are the most physically repulsive people on earth."
Oh yeah?? Your mama!!!!
But, we're getting better, right?
Maybe not typical, but surely it's the 27% that keeps showing up.
"What do you think of American civilisation?"
"It would be an excellent idea"
Boom, headshot.
"They can take their patriotism and shove it up their huge asses."
Not "arses?" I smell a Canadian…
"I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam!" –Uncle Yam
TL; DR
I still enjoy Layne's summation of Americans as "belligerent warmongering morons." Happier times, those were.
We've really moved on, haven't we?
don't we even get to be 'drink sodden'?
sad times indeed.
GregComlish is this generation's AlDeTocquevilleish
I think you'll be a singing a different tune when our Tim Tebow wins the World Cup.
GregComlish,you have our permission to pee all over us.
But you'll have to kill us first!
He already shit on us, so why not?
Ah resents the allegations and the alligator!
This is the truest of the truisms. If I had to describe our greatest and most original sin, this would be it. This was around when this nation was founded. You had your poor-as-fuck, uncultured-as-fuck dirt farmers, some of them actual indentured servants, but at least they weren't black (slaves or freeman), right?
All that said, I'd wish to be nothing other than American. Love the idea; hate the execution.
So, is it permissible to ask "Why do you hate America" in a non-ironic fashion?
My way of dealing with being a gringo living in Mexico is to carry a live chicken everywhere. When I have to go into a store or restaurant, I just tie it up outside like a dog at Starbucks. This way I'm assumed to have nothing beyond little Clucky and the clothes on my back – not worth a second look by someone who might otherwise consider sawing my head off or stitching my face onto a soccer ball.
My advice is to carry a chicken wherever you go. And going barefoot helps too.
I think GregComlish is secretly the newly Bulworthed Newt Gingrich
Pure poetry. I'm jealous.
But where are these "typicals' when we are all exceptional? 'Merikan xceptilsm Libel!
Thank you for your support and recognition of Occupy Wall Street and Americans' continued attempts to fight back against a corporate machine not parked only on our shores, but on yours. There is nothing like the harsh brush of bigotry to correct — er, the harsh brush of bigotry. I am my fellow American citizens salute you.
He left out the part about how we feed our toddlers to our pitbulls.
Makes me want to put a COEXIST bumper sticker on my F350 pickup truck, right under the gun rack and over the confederate flag decal
This comment wins the millennium.
Sub in "greedy" for "obese" and it's perfect.
Fantastic. That's a keeper. Copied & emailed to myself. Thanks, actually, for the astute and accurate insight. We are pathetic.
Hooray for the Wonkette Two Minutes Hate!
Comments on this entry are closed.