A LITTLE BIRD TOLD US  2:45 pm January 12, 2012

Homeland Security Is In Your Tweets, Waiting For Your Revolution

by Liz Colville

don't mind me

The US government is watching our every tweet, but don’t worry, it’s just to get a “situational awareness” of the world. Since 2010, the Department of Homeland Security has been monitoring “publicly available” information such as forums, Twitter accounts, and websites like WikiLeaks, Facebook and Hulu (what? – “Hey boss, I’m just monitoring these SNL clips for classified information disguised as terrible jokes”). So millions of people saying things that may or may not be true makes the job of the government easier? Not surprisingly, the DHS seems a little confused about how long it holds on to the information it trawls: a spokesperson says it doesn’t hold on to Internet traffic data; the document pertaining to this initiative says it does, but “for no more than five years.” Oh, whew.

The biggest takeaway from the publicly available list of publicly available sites that the DHS monitors is that Twitter appears to be officially Important, despite the ridiculous volume of crap that it publishes (to sift through it all, the DHS uses no less than 13 different trend sites and six search sites).

Of course, ideally, the US government would like more than just the public tweets: it subpoenaed Twitter in December 2010 in an attempt to obtain private messages sent between Julian Assange and other Wikileaks workers.

And when insidery maneuvers and legal action doesn’t work, the government isn’t afraid to turn to the private sector to get the digital wisdom of people who have venture capital enough to obtain such wisdom: in the Bay Area, a private company creepily named Vigilant Video helps the police by tracking the locations of people’s cars using license plate scanners. That doesn’t yet conflict with the Supreme Court’s as-yet-undecided verdict on whether it’s constitutional for investigators to track cars using GPS devices without a warrant (if it ever will). But SCOTUS has “expressed deep reservations” about such tracking, which is nice of it.

What of the Internet “kill switch” legislation currently coming back onto the scene, which could give the government authorization to shut down the Internet, Egypt-steez, in times of crisis? Presumably it would still give the government the ability to somehow “work offline.” [Reuters]

 
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{ 231 comments }

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Hi there, nice DHS agent reading our comments!

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I bet he's mad he can't downfist us anymore.

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Oooh! Good one.

ETA: DHS dude, all up in yer posts, hitting tha downfist button…

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

So, Soros, what are you wearing right now (wink, wink, wink)?

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I see what you did there (I think).

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac.
(Do I need to repeat that for the robot effect?)

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I'm commenting in my underwear.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm
emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Hee! That never gets old.

Barb January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

From work?

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Your robot undies or your undie-undies?

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Be sure to use a pen that washes out.

Chillwillard January 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You'll nev

Terry January 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Ha, there is probably at least one DHS person among the regular commenters. My guess, Neilist.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

It's *never* the obvious one, dood/ine.

DaRooster January 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

It's probably me… since I am such a fan of all things policing.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Don't think I don't know that you just said that to throw us off the track. (looks around even more suspiciously)

James Michael Curley January 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm

But, but, since EVERYONE knows its never the obvious one then the obvious one is the one that is obviously above suspicion which makes him the perfect operative since everyone else is subject to at least a little suspect. So while everyone suspects everyone else, except the one who is obviously above suspicion, the one no one suspects can freely garner the suspicions of those who are at least a little bit suspicious about everyone else who is not the obvious one.

Am I making myself clear?

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Didn't some movie do that with wine glasses?

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Great, now I'm going to worry that I am a sleeper agent.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

What makes you think s/he's nice? (glowers suspiciously, mutters under breff)

PsycWench January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Do you suppose they're monitoring RedState and Newsmax too? Because that is just plain cruel.

Terry January 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Cruel to the DHS agents, for sure.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Don't be silly!
That's such a paranoid thing to think.
Now, speak up loud and clear into this nice VASE OF FLOWERS…

PuckStopsHere January 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

#Sneakycocksuckers trending now…

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Another good reason not to bother with social media.

YouBetcha January 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

So just like they did in Iran during the Iranian elections, but more Freedomy? I guess that's ok. Is Michelle Obama fanfic porn going to draw too much attention? I can take that down.

Chillwillard January 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Meanwhile, Republicans want in your twats, ladies…

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:04 pm

But not to touch them, EWWW!!

YouBetcha January 12, 2012 at 3:43 pm

There will be money changing hands, yes? I think that'll be fine. I draw the line at changing grown men's soiled diapers or carrying luggage through the airport. OK no I'm not, but that will cost extra.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 1:40 am

Yes, your money to them. Republican money only goes in one direction.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Yeah, but unlike the normal men of the world, they want in with their shriveled, flaccid, icky old laws.

I mean, if they wanted sexytime, that's what rent boys are for, amirite?

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

#OccupyDHS?

Generation[redacted] January 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"classified information disguised as terrible jokes”

That's the best explanation for SNL I've heard so far.

Guppy January 12, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I still say numbers stations are more entertaining.

Beetagger January 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Everything I post is a red herring. Except for every third post.

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm

On alternate Tuesdays.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I don't want to say it again! It' s jam tomorrow, jam yesterday, but never jam today.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm

*whispers*
The eagle flies at midnight.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

They're monitoring My Space?? Did they hire a zombie to perform that task?

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Are they also monitoring Freindster?

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

What about AOL? My God, man. WHAT ABOUT AOL???

Generation[redacted] January 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

At least I know my GeoCities site is secure… right?!

Crank_Tango January 12, 2012 at 3:51 pm

DHS ate my balls…bird flu, also.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm

And are they recording it on videotape? In Betamax?

memzilla January 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

How nice to know our gummint cares so much about all us Wonketeers to archive us.

Come here a minute January 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

LOL #hastag

mavenmaven January 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm

It will be nice to finally meet all of you, when we are all in indefinite detainment.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

In case I have been rendered unable to communicate by dint of severe, repeated beatings, fake left knee, short, brown, old.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 1:42 am

Ummm…don't you you mean "protective custody"?

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I'll bring the fetus donuts!

Radiotherapy January 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Have they friended us on Facebook yet?

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Well shit. I guess all those tweets I sent #BarackObamaIsTheBomb won't go over too well.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

It's been great knowing you. (wipes tear)

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:05 pm

by Mark Hosenball
really?

Callyson January 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Rick Perry wants that reporter's contact info ASAP…

glamourdammerung January 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Oh no! The government knows I like cats and dick jokes!

Just kidding. I still have too much self-respect to use Twitter.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Wifi + Narcissism = Twitter

deanbooth January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Your file says that you like cat dick jokes.

glamourdammerung January 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Given how these things work, I would have guessed my file would say I like cick dat jokes.

SayItWithWookies January 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

You'd be amazed at the amount of suspicious activity there is on InterracialLesbianThreesomes.com.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'll be back in a few minutes. Or an hour.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Along with LadyBoyJuice and XXXTrannyHunters

jus_wonderin January 12, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Will they know I ordered that Pink Dildo?

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

No, I wouldn't.

Mort_Sinclair January 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Yeah, I heard they're finding all kinds of serious shit on Friendster. Word to the wise.

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

They found out that there's only one person that uses it?

Fukui_sanYesOta January 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Uh, I sorta kinda work in this field.

The most valuable information you can build is a psychographic representation of a person built from who is followed on twitter and the friends list on facebook and google. Obviously there are pattern-scanning approaches to analyze text as well.

My handy hints of the day:

* don't use your facebook or twitter logins as an "easy" way to sign up to comment or anything else on sites
* don't use facebook, actually, or twitter

Ugh. This is depressingly snark-free. Just think about it, because you log in to any site using your facebook account for "convenience" that gives the site carte blanche to rip shit-tons of information about you.

Also, don't read free republic. That's just because it's shit.

comrad_darkness January 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Disconnect.me is a great extension to keep sites like facebook from tracking you from site to site even if you don't comment, ever. They track you anyway.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

My handy hints:

don't use your facebook or twitter!

Of course, I have never owned one of them sell phones you kids are always talking about, and I do have an onion on my belt.
~

Fukui_sanYesOta January 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Belt-onions are remarkable, but belt-garlic even stops you ever watching the Twilight movies.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

No great loss.

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I hate Facebook. I created a profile specifically to enter a 'New Rules' contest months ago (the ONLY way you could enter–I even read all the fine print.) I wonder if my login still exists.
Does anybody besides me hate the pipl.com redesign? (Does anybody but me even use that site?)

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm

So, you're the enemy, then?

[JUST KIDDING]

PS Are they tracking Wonkette?

DaRooster January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Are you kidding? Have you heard us?

Crank_Tango January 12, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I can't figure out what side we're on tho, this snark shit gets a little confusing after a while. I guess since I have only used three capital letters in this post, and mandatory ones at that, I am a libtard. OK 4 caps.

Generation[redacted] January 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm

That's assuming you ever posted anything remotely truthful to your facebook account. If it's all lies, exaggerations, and sad self-delusion, then you're in the clear.

Guppy January 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

No no, that's my LinkedIn profile.

Crank_Tango January 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I have posted some pretty foul shit about Joe Lieberman, but really who hasn't?

Isner_Mahut January 12, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Years ago on MySpace I said my hobbies were drug running, white slavery, overthrowing the capitalist system and taking naps (or something like that). A very nice FBI agent paid me a visit to ask a few questions about this.
Methinks The Man doesn't really get snark.

not that Dewey January 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I just reminded my sister about that "convenience" thing — trip advisor had decided to publicize the fact that she was going to be out of town for a few days, conveniently, in case any stalkers/home burglars would care to stop by her place and sniff her undies/steal everything.

Catabite January 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

(Also, snark-free)

I've also heard that some analysis groups are working on ways to monitor Twitter and Google searches to track developing pandemics, so I can see Twitter being used for biosecurity, maybe

And I'm on DCRentboys.com for the same reason! Some brave soul needs to go take a look at those boys, make sure they're not harboring any, uh, bioengineered STDs, for America.

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

The revolution will not be tweeted.

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

DHS motto: Surf the web and have fun!

coolhandnuke January 12, 2012 at 3:07 pm

With just two or three Wall Streeters and bankers facing prosecution from looting the planet, it might seem prudent for DHS to employ a few more agents to monitor the corporate/financial sector than Twitter.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:25 pm

*laughs hysterically*
Monitor the…
*guffaws*
Do you hear what this guy…?
The corporate…!
*catches breath, wipes tears from eyes*
You slay me, dude.

KeepFnThatChicken January 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

…it subpoenaed Twitter in December 2010 in an attempt to obtain private messages sent between Julian Assange and other Wikileaks workers.

I have twelve email addresses, and am known under three childish aliases, and four cell phone numbers. I log onto six forums and countless websites — each with a differing username and password combo — and I daily mouth off with no filter to an average group of "just-like-me's" on Facebook, yet somehow I'm going to save my darkest secrets for the private side of Twitter?!

God damn. Come on, China. At least you have the balls to pull the most enthralling TV programs off the air every once in a while, and now I fucking understand why.

Bonghits4Jesus January 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Vigilant Video won't matter much in 10 years after everyone gets their teevees with embedded facial recognition technology.

Generation[redacted] January 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm

The advanced 3D sets come with nifty headgear that administer eye drops and hold your eyelids open.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Which also makes the retina scan easier.

DaRooster January 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"…a spokesperson says it doesn’t hold on to Internet traffic data… for no more than 5 years…"

"Is INDEFINITELY longer than 5 years Joe?"

Mumbletypeg January 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Imagine that, our sh!t being found so worthwhile as to slog through for "nefarious" purposes. Why until New Yorker quoted us last week I couldn't be sure anyone of note paid attention to these here ramblin'natterings; except maybe for those venomous, obese, imbecile-types..

ETA: "shiftless," also, too

Callyson January 12, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The purpose of the monitoring, says the government document, is to "collect information used in providing situational awareness and establishing a common operating picture."
OK, so they have no idea what they are doing or why. Got it.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I assumed that the translation of that was, "to monitor your internet use so that we can better target spam and advertising pop-ups", but yours is good, too.

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Time to learn morse code.

nounverb911 January 12, 2012 at 3:14 pm

-.. …. … / .. … / ..-. ..- .-.. .-.. / — ..-. / ..-. ..- -. -. -.– / .–. . — .–. .-.. . .-.-.-

BigDumbRedDog January 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

· · — · · · — — · — · — · — — / · — · · — — — — — — — · — · · — · — — ·
— · — · — —

Oh my god, that took way too long to figure out. Nevermind. I would rather go to gitmo than do that all day.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Gitmo has text messaging.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I hear Gitmo has better 3G coverage than San Francisco.

Neoyorquino January 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

When I get disappeared, I'll hold on to my cherished Wonkette snark as long as I can. But I'm pretty sure that rat at the end of my face cage will have his way.

Indiepalin January 12, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Also the David Foster Wallace "suicide" was actually a "homicide"

DahBoner January 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Hillary's Vagina????

OKthennext January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

That is weakass "situational awareness" if they are not watching Wonkette.

ChernobylSoup January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

DHS is using their TSA agents for the task, so they'll probably run out of paper before they get all the tweets printed and filed anyway.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

My best friend put a piece of duct tape on her mac's webcam because she's convinced the DHS is monitoring her Mafia Wars and Cafe World play and doesn't want them to know what she really looks like.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Wait…you mean she isn't 5'7" 100lbs with DD breasts? But her high angle, low focus shots were so convincing.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Oh no, that's exactly what she looks like. She just doesn't want some government goon knowing that.

Crank_Tango January 12, 2012 at 3:59 pm

and cropped, cropped cropped. Yes I have been on OKcupid these days. **shudders**

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The more she crops, the less you can see of her penis.

Guppy January 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Mac? Then it's not DHS watching her, just Steve Jobs' brain in a jar.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm
PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Too fucking brilliant. Thanks.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 3:15 pm

When I was a pup, I wanted to grow up to be a professional mattress tester. Now my grandchilluns can dream about becoming professional Hulu monitors. PROGRESS!!

hagajim January 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Ms. Napolitano – I twat nothing that I wouldn't say to yer face!

neiltheblaze January 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I clearly picked the wrong day to join Twitter.

BarackMyWorld January 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

What about people who actually want to be watched by the government because they're attention whores?

SayItWithWookies January 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Fortunately most of them are in South Carolina this week.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Some people get off on being watched…

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 1:57 am

Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton libel!

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I see your point, but there's only so much time that DHS can spend on Lou Sarah.

Huevos Ocupados January 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I, for one, welcome our Fatherland Overlords. I am a good person and have nothing to fear. I believe in God and work hard at my job, of which I am very grateful to have. My salary is meager but more than fair. I must admit I am afraid of the Muslims, but I sleep well at night knowing that my government is doing everything it can to protect me. Often porn websites will pop up on my computer screen, but that is only because it has a virus. I recite the pledge of allegiance every time I see the flag, and my favorite musical artist is Toby Keith, though I would never dream of downloading music illegally. I will go to my grave a proud American.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

"I will go to my grave a proud American AAAAUUUUGH!! (a shot is heard, followed by the muffled sounds of someone dragging a heavy object)

FIFY, NNTT

Sharkey January 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

…only because it has a virus.

The Patriotic thing to do would be to get rid of that. Try "XP Internet Security 2012".

ShaveTheWhales January 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I'm particularly impressed with the high level of discrimination shown in the list of search terms, e.g., "aid", "emergency", "relief", "warning", "watch", "hacker", "China", "target", "plot", "dock", "electric", "airport", "gas", "pork", "flu", "facility", "prevention".

Also, "RSSOwl"?? Owls, I didn't even know you had a feed.

Blueb4sunrise January 12, 2012 at 3:55 pm

When earlier lists of suspect words issued by DHS, I believe that there was a sudden and drastic increase in the use of those words.

"aid", "emergency", "relief", "warning", "watch", "hacker", "China", "target", "plot", "dock", "electric", "airport", "gas", "pork", "flu", "facility", "prevention".

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I'm not sure that it's mathematically possible to have a drastic increase in the use of the word "pork" on wonkette.

GunToting[Redacted] January 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hoo?

thefrontpage January 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The Center for Freedom for Free People just intercepted this interesting memo from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, via a high-ranking, highly-knowledgable, well-placed, informed and educated federal government source:

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
FROM THE DESK OF SECRETARY JANET NAPOLITANO

From: The Secretary's Office
To: Homeland Security Media Monitoring Office
Date: Jan. 6, 2012
Re: Websites and media outlets to add to Official Monitoring List

All Homeland Security Department Media Monitoring Office Employees:

Secretary Napolitano has hereby officially ordered that the following media outlets and entities be officially monitored, every day, including Saturdays and Sundays, by the Homeland Security Department Media Monitoring Office. All reports shall be sent directly to the Deputy Secretary's Office, the Secretary's Office, and the Media Monitoring Office Director's Office.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Also, the Department of Redundancy Department.

thefrontpage January 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

These entities shall be monitored daily:

1. Wonkette.
2. The Drudge Report
3. Mr. Skin
4. Playboy
5. Saturday Night Live, especially Weekend Update
6. The Onion
7. The Washington City Paper
8. The Daily Show
9. The Colbert Report
10. Mad Magazine
11. Cracked Magazine
12. Jugs Magazine
13. Hustler Magazine
14. "CBS Sunday Morning"
15. All National Public Radio programs
16. WMAL
17. WBAL
18. Rush Limbaugh
19. Bill O'Reilly
20. Sean Hannity
21. "It's Academic"
22. "Jeopardy"
23. "Match Game"
24. Combat re-runs
25. "Mission Impossible" re-runs

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

–30–

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Whew, at least they're laying off Cracked Jugs Magazine. I'm good.

DahBoner January 12, 2012 at 4:23 pm

And how about a little Swank magazine for the Bros @ HomeSec?

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

WMAL?? Why would they monitor it now that those noted terrorists Harden and Weaver aren't on the air?

Barb January 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Then you are really commenting in your underwear! I am wearing a sock monkey nightie.

I had a double comment below and I deleted one of them. It is showing as "deleted by admin" which is kinda funny for this subject.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Here I thought you did that on purpose.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Somehow I always thought of you as a "sleep nekkid" kinda gal. What's a sock monkey nightie?

Barb January 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I'm wearing a nightie because I am awake and I don't want my neighbor, the head of the TSA here (for realz) to see me. That, and I am sitting right nest to an open window to get some air.

Jeff and I were at the airport last month and ran into my neighbor and he was asking what we were doing and I responded loudly, "we're drug mules!" I discovered that your voice really carries at the ABQ airport.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Sweet CHRIST, Barb! Don't DO that! We needz you here to keep us on teh snark track.

If it makes you feel any better, they won't use NDAA to disappear you; Prez O said so in his signing statement.

Barb January 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I love my neighbor! I always have Snausages for his black lab, Hailey and his wife is awesome. For Jeff to run three casinos he can't even have a parking ticket if he wants to keep his gaming license.

Crank_Tango January 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

well if you went through the pornoscanner, then I am afraid he's seen it all already…

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Some days I wish you were my second mom.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I can't decide whether I wish Barb was my Mom, my wife, or my best girlfriend to go shopping wiv.

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Sorry about that, Barb.
Soros let folks know last night about being laid off temporarily.

PsycWench January 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Attention DHS: I heard Rush Limbaugh talk about turning to terrorism to support his Oxycontin habit. You probably ought to check on that.

Hera Sent Me January 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I assumed my, and everybody else's, every online action has been monitored and archived by the US government, at least since 09/12/01.

Or at least after Bush propagandist Ari Fleischer said on 09/29/01 – they [Americans] need to watch what they say, watch what they do.

When the government says it's listening, it's wise to assume it is.

thefrontpage January 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Coming Friday, Jan. 13th: More exerpts from "The Bidens," the exclusive new book outlning the colorful, engaging, fascinating behind-the-scenes happenings in the Vice President's Office and at the Vice President's House. "The Bidens," by Bob Bernwood, is scheduled to be released nationwide on Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2012, from Political Press, Washington, D.C., 496 pages, hardcover, $29.95. Available at all local bookstores, including Border's and the Georgetown Barnes and Noble.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:34 pm

""The Bidens," the exclusive new book outlning the colorful, engaging, fascinating behind-the-scenes happenings in the Vice President's Office and at the Vice President's House. "

I call dibs on the sitcom rights!

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Oh, woe, there are spies among us! C'mon, I'm sure that at least ten percent of you aren't posting under your Christian names. For example, apparently Ken Layne is now posting under the handle "Liz Colville."

—Cap'n Thaddeus Q. Fatback

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Oh, like Thaddeus Q. Fatback is YOUR real name. (checks profile)

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well, I did leave off "The III," so . . .

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I post under my Ratsafarian name, I'll let you know.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:30 pm

But if I stop tweeting how will the world know what kind of sandwich I had for lunch today??

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Well what was it? The suspense is killing us!

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Oh, it was a delicious….OUCH!…what the??

This comment has been deleted by the administrator

Generation[redacted] January 12, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I for one welcome my new Siri overlord.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm

It's okay though, the government has never overstepped the lines of privacy and illegal search and seizure.

Oh look! It's a black helicopter circling the building. How fun!

Radiotherapy January 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm

@radiotherapy, hey #janetnapolitano WTF with the skunk streak?

DahBoner January 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I think it's called a Skunkfro…

FlownOver January 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

#sheblowsalot.

widestanceshakedown January 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

is that an alias for Mrs. Chokesondick?

Lazy Media January 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Yeaahhh. I do this sort of "monitoring" sometimes for the Navy. You know when you Google your own name? It's pretty much that. Some low-level DHS/DoD schlub is in charge of some lame project, and they use Vocus or their own drones to see what's been said about it. So, basically, Big Brother.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Ooh! You just reminded me it's time for my hourly Google of my own name. Thanks!

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm

When I've googled myself (and man, that sounds dirty), none of the results are actually me, at least for the first several pages. Apparently I'm a college football player, I died in 2010 and I've been arrested several times. Oh and all the other mes seem to live in the South.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

You're lucky. I have a very unusual name (have only met one other in my life) thanks to my mom's obsession with Rod Stewart WAY back in the day. I'm easily Googable.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Wait, I think I've figured out your first name. It's Hot Legs, isn't it?

The weird thing is, I thought I had an unusual last name, having never met anyone outside my family who shares it; but apparently it's common in the South.

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I have a pretty unusual name too. When I Google myself {whoo! tickles…}, I find asymptotically close to zero results that are me, and almost all of them are from a random journal article that I was a co-co-author on in college, close to 20 years ago. There appear to be one or two living people with my same name occasionally doing stuff, and then there are just tons and tons of genealogical references to people who lived in the 1800s.

SoBeach January 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I can't imagine a better tool of oppression than dossiers on every American's on-line life. Most people would do whatever they're told if it meant keeping their sordid secrets from bosses, family, and friends.

Stasi had to actually conduct surveillance to gather incriminating and embarrassing information to use against people. Social media thoughtfully provides APIs to save everyone the trouble.

Plowmon January 12, 2012 at 3:47 pm

When I hoped for change this wasn't really what I was thinking of…

jus_wonderin January 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I just want to know this. Do I need to take off my shoes and empty my pockets to use Twitter? Wand me!!!!

elviouslyqueer January 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm

That's what she said.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"Wand me!!!!"

Juan: Si…?

elviouslyqueer January 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

widestanceshakedown January 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I used to comfort myself (settle down, not in that way) by boasting that I have no FB, Twitter, Yammer, Slobber, Blather or Drooler accounts (hell is other people, so what possible use is social media to me?), but now I'm freaking out that this makes me extra suspect.

What's a paranoia-tending type to do in this world?

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

The *first* people they're gonna come for is alla you folks who have NO social network lives since it's obvious that Y'ALL are the commies.

widestanceshakedown January 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

FERST, bichez!!11!!!

YES! Finally, I'm first at something, and not just "short folks in front" for group photos!

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

You won't be singin' *that* happy tune at Gitmo, my friend.

Was that a knock at the door?

widestanceshakedown January 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

:(

At least my unrequited fetish for middle Eastern men might get some action?

OneYieldRegular January 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

They can take away my Twitter (please), but they'll never take away my top secret invisibility spray.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm

What th–?
*looks around*
Who said that?

Blueb4sunrise January 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Remember folks, Janet was the GOOD Governor of Az.

jus_wonderin January 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Ya know, this might concern me if I wasn't certain that DHS and TSA couldn't even budge my door open for all the bodies stacked up like cord wood in my living room.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Um … you know that dinner invite I accepted from ya? Turns out I have a serious illness scheduled for that week …

jus_wonderin January 12, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Aw shucks. It was gonna be a big, fun party. You would have met all my other friends…and Mom.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I note, with some trepidation, that you neglect to mention if they will be alive or otherwise at that momentous occasion.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

What, you don't have a crawl space?

Chet Kincaid January 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

If you tweet, you're asking for it.

VinnyThePooh January 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I'll go sit at home and await the goons that will take me to Guantanamo for posting a pic of myself urinating on a Homemade Insecurity emblem.

DerrickWildcat January 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Janet Napolitano is a pretty awesome lady. I can't imagine someone that attractive being so intelligent and responsible with all the power she has. I bet she is the greatest boss in the world to work for. The DHS makes America great!

Derrick Wildcat.

CapnFatback January 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm

See? I'm positive you are the real Derrick McCoy (oops, I mean "Wildcat," ha ha lol) because you signed your name.

Transparency!

Cap'n Thaddeus Q. Fatback, III

owhatever January 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

We need a bigger government to watch more things, like Tweets and gun store sales.

DahBoner January 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The Internet Kill switch should'nt affect Gum'mint workers much.

They can always play Solataire offline….

Eve8Apples January 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I thought I heard something about Bill O'Reilly tweeting a plot to smuggle a bomb onto a plane by stuffing it in his anus. I recommend a thorough body cavity search. Use a rusty cattle prod covered in Louisiana hot sauce. Don't bother with lube.

Eve8Apples January 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

If they are holding onto tweets for five years, I demand that Wonkette comments be archived in the Library of Congress.

SorosBot January 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Eve8Apples January 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

God bless this crazy nation!

BZ1 January 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

“situational awareness” in the USAF is a euphemism for someone coming up your a**ss to shoot you down

bikerlaureate January 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Forget everything you just read and go back to sleep.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:41 pm

And, um, whatever you do, DON'T put on these sunglasses.

CrunchyKnee January 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Ummm, fuck you, Janet, and you too, Barry for signing NDAA. I got yer twit right *here*!

sati_demise January 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Janet, wtf happened to you?

I guess because we only had the real rabid right wing to compare you with in Arizona, it skewed any real assessment of you.

Hi HLS – Could you ask the TSA when am I going to get back the two sting ray wallets and custom made pocket knife you stole out of my checked bag? Still waiting.

Oh, and if I forget I left a VitaCoco in my bag, just let me drink it from now on, m'kay? Food is fuckin' expensive these days. I can slam one of those down in less than 5 seconds.

donner_froh January 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Homeland Security agents who get "does not meet standards" on their latest performance review are transferred to the Twitter reading department.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

So, we're talking a step *down* from the brainiacs at the airport who stand in front of x-ray machines at crotch level all day?

PhilippePetain January 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Hey, I've got a great idea, fuckwads! How about you ADD Stormfront to that list, and take off like every other fucking thing! Fucking dipshits!

natoslug January 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Looks like I'm safe — 1channel and youporn aren't on their list. Whew!!!

C_R_Eature January 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I have to admit that I'm gratified at the thought that somewhere, under the gaze of hundreds of security cameras and sensors, past a security gate staffed by heavily armed M.P.'s authorized to use deadly force, in a compound surrounded by a triple fence barrier of Concertina wire, past another heavily armed guard at a checkpoint door in a windowless cube building, past the front lobby gate (with the proper I.D.) down 4 floors in the security-coded elevator, past the solid steel door that only opens with a fingerprint, retinal scan and the simultaneous turn of two keys from the armed guards, in a completely secure EM-blocked room stands a huge mainframe supercomputer that is storing hundreds and hundreds of thousands of gigabytes of Dick Jokes.

tessiee January 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It's even better than you think, in that really cool James Bond spy movie type music is playing the entire time.

C_R_Eature January 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

That beats the Maxwell Smart theme song that's been playing in my head, so I'll take it!

ttommyunger January 12, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Normally, I'm cool with lesbians and vice-versa, but something about this cunt has always made my skin crawl. I'll bet this makes it all the way to her desk.

DaRooster January 12, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Shit, us felons have a hard enough time getting shit expunged after… hmm… 28 years… with absolutely NOTHING since.
Maybe it was from hanging out with you thugs?

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Black labs are awesomely silly dogs. I promise if I'm ever asked to testify that you thought drug mules were a cool new type of footgear for bedroom sexaytime.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 1:39 am

Barb, I think you meant to say his blah lab, Hailey.

Fare la Volpe January 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

GAWD, San Francisco has such shitty cell reception, Mom. Now I know exactly what it's like to be at Auschwitz!

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I'm sorry, did we not give you sufficient opportunities for quasi-criminal activity involvement? (lights spliff)

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Hey, no way, man, I'm innocent, totes! Why, I'm as patriotic and freedom-loving … wait, wut?

HistoriCat January 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

One of those federal agents who is really just here the sex, eh? I knew it!

Gleem_McShineys January 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

After they stuck a magnetic GPS unit on it, but that is no real legal problem, since it isn't your car.

MissTaken January 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

How did you guess it so quickly?!

My last name is very common in the South, too. But my dad was born in Alabama, so that makes sense. Here in California, though, it's a laughingstock.

ShaveTheWhales January 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Banjoonmyknee?

flamingpdog January 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

All of them, Palinz.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

(slinks off, grabs frying pan, returns, chases Historicat with intent)

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Here's hoping! Send photos?

HistoriCat January 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Frying pan? Sexxxay!

widestanceshakedown January 12, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Cameras probably not allowed, but I'll try to sketch some stick figures with my blood, if I have any to spare.

emmelemm January 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Tarnation! My stars and garters! I actually just Giz-noogled myself for the first time in a long while, and because a friend of mine convinced me to create a Google+ account (on which there is no actual "information", but I did use my real name), and which I never use or look at, of course Google is putting me right up at the top. And then, there are images of me! Well, one image, that I uploaded. Which is of my dog. Sigh.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Surely you can persuade some swarthy stalwart to contribute a little, um, you know, other type of …

Awright, awright, awreddy, geez.

Negropolis January 13, 2012 at 1:39 am

In South Carolina, that is completely possible and probable.

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

Is that spliff from my home town in The Emerald Triangle?

And by "nothing since" of course… I mean "eluded stuff".

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Could be. Could be.

Say, uh, this, um, hometown of yours? Are we talkin' good prices, high availability, Cheeziel quality, heah? Cos, you know, ya never know when I might be up in your neck of the woods, and all.

James Michael Curley January 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

“The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palacehas the brewthat istrue!”

DaRooster January 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I figured since you are not from here it quite possibly could be… since most of the good stuff goes outta here ASAP. It has been so long since I played the game that I wouldn't know where to start finding it in any decent way.

PalinzADummy January 13, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Dood, dood, dood, I'm SO kidding. I'm not the kind of person to put my business in the public sphere, if you get my drift. Apart from which, I'm too old for that shit, mostly, any more. Being as I forget stuff without any assistance anywho. Wut?

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