gifzette daily briefing

Happy Birthday Guantanamo Bay! Why Aren’t You Dead Yet!

James O'Keefe Convinces Addled New Hampshire Poll Workers That He's Actually What We All Wish He Already Was (i.e. Dead)NEW YORK—Good morning! How’s everyone feeling today? We’re not feeling so hot ourselves, grasping for our coffee and ibuprofen after so much festive celebration yesterday of the ten year anniversary of that terrible thing we did (and continue to do!) in Guantanamo Bay. How did you all ring in the last decade of shadow justice? Did you maybe do something like we did when we found ourselves reaching for the nearest bottle upon seeing that horrific footage of US troops urinating on the bodies of dead soldiers? Because good god. Well, our only advice is to stock up on fluids, because we’ve got another birthday blowout just around the corner, seeing as in just a week it will have been nearly three years now that President Obama hasn’t delivered on his campaign promise to shut that awful thing down.

So everything’s falling apart for Newt! Poor guy’s getting battered for his attacks on Romney’s time at Bain Capital and all this “vulture capitalism” stuff. He’s taking so much heat that he had to walk back his attacks at a campaign stop in South Carolina, saying “It’s an impossible theme to talk about with Obama in the background. Obama just makes it impossible to talk rationally in that area because he is so deeply into class warfare that automatically you get an echo effect.”

Except, you know who else is “so deeply into class warfare,” Newt? Fifty-five percent of Republican voters!! Yup, according to a new Pew Research poll measuring public perceptions of “divisions within American society,” fully 66% see the chasm between the rich and poor as major conflict in the country. This is not only a 19% increase from two years ago, but a 17% increase among Republicans. So that kind of complicates things a bit, doesn’t it?

Heh, so another thing that complicates things a bit? Warren Buffet! Man, this is going to get good. Like, popcorn cat gif good.

Oh and in other bad news for Newt, his dream pick for the State Department just jumped ship: John Bolton is endorsing Team Romney.

So: Rick Perry, “Brokeback Mountain” enthusiast? After airing that grotesquely vile campaign ad in Iowa for which Perry was later lampooned for hating on gays while looking maybe just a little bit like Heath Ledger’s gay character in the 2005 film, Perry yesterday borrowed a line from Jake Gyllenhaal when he asked South Carolina voters “not to quit” him. And many eyebrows were raised at the Huffington Post campaign desk.

And Rick Perry’s over-the-top, suggestively compensatory gay-hating isn’t the only thing generating confusion, since quite a big to-do was made yesterday after CNN decided to allow Perry to participate in their South Carolina debate despite his lagging poll numbers. It turned out to be a rounding error apparently? Thank goodness that was cleared up so we can all get back to the important question of wait, what?? Why! Another debate? Really? No, stop. Just stop.

But it’s true, polls are confusing! Especially when they’re not actually real polls but other still things that people mistake for things that matter? Like these competing reports that Mitt Romney is winning the Facebook primary but Ron Paul is winning the Twitter primary. But we’re going to clear up the confusion for these struggling journalists: these aren’t actually real primaries so you can probably just stop talking now.

Now steel yourselves, everyone, because things are about to get real weird: we’re all going to have to learn to be OK with being on the same side of an argument as…Darrell Issa.

And in this week installment of Objects Falling From Space That Threaten To Kill Us All, residents in areas surrounding the Indian Ocean are advised to be on the lookout for a Russian probe plunging all the way home from Mars. The $170 million probe-turned-extra-terrestrial improvised explosive device was visiting Phobos, the larger of Mars’ two moons, which was fittingly named after the Greek god of fear, since: we’re all going to die now, everybody freak out.


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  1. Barb

    …" Russian probe plunging all the way home from Mars"
    Will Sarah Palin be able to see it from her house?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      On top of that, when you're seeing one another every single day in the cell block as it is, it's hard to think of your 10-year class reunion as special.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    So the only thing making the primaries even moderately interesting is Newt's visceral hatred for Mittens.

    1. Terry

      There's an item in the news this morning that has Newty declaring S.C. to be "armageddon", full throttle attacks on Mittens. Given what Newty has been up to in the last week or so, "full throttle" must include sneaking up behind Mittens at press conferences and screaming anytime Mittens tries to talk.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Nah, he's going literal – he's actually going to try and choke Mitt to death at the next debate.

      2. Mumbletypeg

        Not sure if I heard this correctly, but someone on NPR yester-evening said that historically, whichever Republican candidate has taken South Carolina went on to win the nomination (the Democratic exception in their case was John Edwards). If true, I can see why the tone is turning especially vituperative at this point.

      1. Negligently_Joe

        Well, given the amount of viscera in play here, he definitely has enough hate to go around. He probably has enough stored up to last the whole winter.

        Newt Gingrich is chubby, is what I'm getting at.

    2. ttommyunger

      And at the heart of the matter: Newt is a short, fat, ugly little man and the Mittster looks like Ken; sadly for Mitt, his persona matches.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      The results from the Yahoo discussion board readers poll are as the comments themselves. Vile, racist, and unintelligible.

  3. Barb

    If they were to free the detainees at Gitmo; when asked, "what are you going to do next? Would any of them say, "I'm going to Disney World!… and then I'm going to blow it up."

      1. BerkeleyBear

        It would knock one thing off the Bear family's list of places that my kids think are fun but I never want to do again in my life.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Who knew that giving rich people everything they want would backfire? It'll be funnier over the next few years when GOPers will try to mix and match "socialist" words while trying to suck Koch.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      My fave will always be the Socialist Fascist. I've found no clearer statement on the competency of the GOP to label people with words they do not understand.

      1. chicken_thief

        I've got to go with Newtie's "Kenyan, anticolonial behavior" description of Obama as my favorite. WTF does it even mean?!!!!

        1. SorosBot

          And considering how horrible the colonialists were, how the hell can "anticolonial behavior" be considered a bad thing? But really, it's just a pseudo-intellectual way of saying "uppity negro".

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Look at you, using your "historical fact check smarts" on words Newt uses. You're going to hurt yourself. Also, we love colonizing – and by we I mean "fat stupid white dudes busting up into places, killing folks and planting flags." Republicans are not Anti-that.

          2. Negligently_Joe

            I'm always amazed at how "anti-colonial" is such a slur, amongst people who claim to have super-positive, borderline-sexytimes feelings about America, and also the corpses of the founders.

            Why don't right-wingers realize that if the Constitution, which is also the Declaration of Independence, came from God, then that would make God a Kenyan anti-colonialist, too?

          3. FakaktaSouth

            I hear ya. Of course, you could go to a reservation and ask the descendents of those walking the trail of tears and getting white man's diseases how anti-colonial those fuckers were.

          4. Negligently_Joe

            Right, but Right-wing myth-making tends to explicitly reject the idea that anything those guys did actually caused non-whites to suffer, at all. And even if they did suffer on account of the slaveries, and the genocides, it was still actually for their own good, because Jesus.

          5. FakaktaSouth

            Oh. My. God. How great is the SPLC? I swear, if them injuns hadda jist follered Pocahontas by knowing their betters on sight, well, we wudna had to kill so many of em, wud we?

          6. Millennial Malaise

            Shorter Newt: "That black man isn't polishing my shoes or dancing for my amusement! Who does he think he is?"

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Kill whitey! At least, that's what Newt wants it to mean. As opposed, to, say "liberate indigenous people from the oppression of a racist foreign ruling caste".

  5. Baconzgood

    “It’s an impossible theme to talk about with Obama in the background." Did you see that? Nothing up his sleeve. What a magicaltastic slight of GOP hand.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    God damn I LOVE when these people eat their own. Between Haley Barbour pardoning killers so they can "hunt" and NEWT (for Christ's sake) flip-flop whining about Mitt's class warfare, talking to a conservative might be fun(nier) today.

    1. weejee

      Mittens has a new ad in So. Carolina that squaks “Newt attacks because he has more baggage than the airlines.” Obvs none of the Mittens crew ever fly in steerage, where checked baggage is becoming extinct.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Oh no I would definitely just point and laugh at them, not encourage them to vote. Some of the teatarded Magna Carta siting weirdos of late have actually kinda made see where the FFs were coming from with the Electoral College.

    1. SorosBot

      I wanna see a Buffet v Boehner fight; after all, both have been wasting away again in Margaritaville for ages.

      1. jqheywood

        I wanna see a Buffy v. Boehner fight…he emerged from the Hellsmouth glowing orange, and she kicked his butt.

    2. GOPCrusher

      It's really pissing off the Tea Baggers that a person with money is calling them out for being the hypocritical pieces of shit that they really are.

  7. bitchincamaro2

    Happy Birthday, Gitmo!

    We baked you a birthday cake.
    If you get a belly ache,
    and you moan, and groan, and woe,
    don't forget we told you so.

  8. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Only an advocate of Sharia Law would criticize red-blooded American Heroes for pissing on the corpses of Talibanners. Muzzies don't like it, they should just be glad we're not doing it on them all over Detroit, I tell you what.

  9. BigDumbRedDog

    I'm gonna celebrate ten years of Guantanamo by searching the internets for info on terrorist groups and DIY bomb making guides. Just to fuck with em.

        1. ttommyunger

          Thass the problem, we won't know where you went and they won't even tell us they have you, much less where they've taken you. NUMBER ONE, NUMBER ONE!

  10. AlterNewt

    It's about time for the shower scene wherein it's revealed that this was all Jeb Bush's bad dream.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Wait. Who is in the shower? If Jeb is SueEllen, is Chris Christie Bobby (hawt)? Or maybe Rick Perry is the one with the snow-globe? Can Rick Santorum be the one to fall down the elevator shaft?

  11. chascates

    Sarah Palin said Romney needs to show proof of those 100,000 jobs he created. “That’s not negative campaigning — that’s fair to get a candidate to be held accountable to what’s being claimed.”
    Oddly she never showed proof of her claims during her race in '08.

  12. MzNicky

    Good decision on CNN's part to include li'l Rickah Perrah in the SC "debate." I eagerly anticipate the wild rednecky applause as he makes such astounding proclamations as "all a them ill-legahls orta be sent back ta Mexico!" and "all a them gays orta be sent off ta Gitmo!" and such. In other words, the comic relief factor will be greatly decreased if he's absent. We already lost Crazy Eyes and HermyHermyCainCain! Keep l'il Ricky in the game, for god's sake!

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    “It’s an impossible theme to talk about with Obama in the background. Obama just makes it impossible to talk rationally in that area because he is so deeply into class warfare that automatically you get an echo effect.”

    When all else fails, blame the black guy. Kinda like Homer Simpson blaming Tibor, down at the nuke plant.

  14. KeepFnThatChicken

    So I'm listening to NPR on the commute, and they profile Rick Perry's South Carolina campaign. And how apropos that Rick is bashing the work of Bain — mere hours after Newtie second-guesses his attacks on Bain.

    So is this what it's like to operate without a platform, or campaign structure? Is Rick Perry the male Sarah Palin after all, only with fewer boobs and children?

  15. donner_froh

    Obama just makes it impossible to talk rationally in that area because he is so deeply into class warfare

    No, Newt–the people who want to destroy every bit access to health care, workplace safety and income protection are deeply into class war. The President is just starting to hit back and you don't like it.

  16. MzNicky

    Among one of the less-offensive comments at my local news site, regarding the golden-shower sendoff US troops gave the turrists, was the demand that whoever made the video be taken out and shot for "disgracing our heroes like this." Yes. Heroes.

    1. ttommyunger

      Don't think the cameraman had his dick in his hand like the others. Shooting the messenger; always a productive thoughtful approach to problem-solving.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Unless the camera"man" was Lynddie England. Then it was a Marlboro hanging off her lip. But then again, maybe she was holding on to her dick.

      1. SorosBot

        A good thing to happen today: we still have about five billion years before the sun expands into a red giant and burns the Earth to a cinder. There now, be happy!

        1. Fare la Volpe

          True. And hey, every day the universe is expanding at an accelerated rate, so more potential space to store Forever Lazies and Freedom Trays.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Is the Russian probe named V'Ger? Because that could be trouble, if I remember my late 70s sci-fi movies correctly.

  18. Limeylizzie

    Oh Gosh, I wonder if Rick Perry has a nice new Buster Brown collar clean and ready to go for that CNN debate.

    1. MzNicky

      I still think those high collars are hiding some hideous tattoos. Maybe swastikas and "KKK 4-Ever" or something. I wish Newt would lunge at him and pull his shirt off.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      So what's our metric? If you're an industrialist that laid people off? If you're a chemicals manufacturer that soiled the earth? If you're a banker that over-leveraged? If you're a Kardashian?

      We need to be firm, yet fair. And fun, too. Don't forget fun. And fulfilling!

  19. Tundra Grifter

    This Gitmo thing is a perfect example of the GNoPee strategy.

    They prevent Mr. Obama from closing it, and then point out he didn't keep his campaign promise to do so.

    It's a win for them – and another loss for America.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Don't forget that after he said he was going to bring the detainees to the United States to face trial for the crimes they have been accused of, they wailed and rend their garments over the idea that they might be set free, because some of them could actually be found not guilty.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        While I am in complete agreement with you, it's actually much worse than that.

        Not only did the reactionaries display a complete lack of faith and trust in the American justice system – they were scared to death of simply holding TRIALS – regardless of the outcomes.

        Look how many Death Row inmates have been freed based on new DNA analysis. Is it possible all the prisoners at Gitmo are guilty? I seriously doubt it.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Things are probably going to get crazy in the SC primaries, seeing as to how all the candidates can take advantage of those welfare-recipients/campaign volunteers.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    How did you all ring in the last decade of shadow justice?

    Ask anyone living subsisting in Haiti post-quake wreckage (the power of perseverance!) right now. Two years and a lot of punctured balloon-farts-full of wasted effort and resources to show for it.

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear Warren Buffet,
    Thanks for putting up the bucks to shut up McConnell and the rest of Washington dipshits. Also, would you consider adopting me? I’m practically house broken, fun to be around and don’t smoke.

  23. Fare la Volpe

    I'm reassured that the same military that covered up torture will now be investigating their own for pissing on dead soldiers.

    "Geneva Convention"? You kids and your hip-hop.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Silly weejee – white people don't commit crimes.

      Did I say white people? I meant freedom-loving patriactivists.

    2. MosesInvests

      Let's say someone wanted to prove how ineffective the TSA is, and tried to smuggle some kind of weapon onto a plan (and it could be done,BTW). Does anyone think that the genius wouldn't be facing Federal charges?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Or maybe they'd like to prove how ineffective gun control laws are, by robbing a bank with a cap gun.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Several people have gone to jail for doing just that – with claims ranging from "I did it to point out the flaws in the system" to "I just forgot I had 10 pounds of C4 in my backpack". Not a defense to my knowledge.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Nope – Colbert is playing by the rules, as absolutely absurd as they are. These nuts broke them intentionally (and poorly). But it would be no fun showing how everyone votes legally.

        1. GOPCrusher

          Hey, that guy was a Army trained explosives expert that happened to forget 10 pounds of C-4 in his backpack. Nobody that has been trained by the military could be a terrorist.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    "Obama just makes it impossible to talk rationally in that area because he is so deeply into class warfare that automatically you get an echo effect.”

    An echo effect? In the words that come out of your own pretty mouth?

  25. DaRooster

    “It’s an impossible theme to talk about with Obama in the backforeground. Obama just makes it impossible to talk rationally in that area because he is so deeply into class warfare incredibly smart that automatically you get an echo effect a kick in the nuts.”


  26. Ruhe

    Re Gitmo. Yesterday on Diane Rheem they're debating this and right at the end the token douche bag reprimands the token liberal that "those are stone cold killers down there." The token liberals' un-top-able answer was simply "all of them? Even the eighty that have been cleared for release?" As Diane is reading her closing the douche bag can be heard in the background yammering "lalalalanananah…I'm not listening to you!"

      1. GhostBuggy

        True story: I met Diane once. She was a delight. O.k., so that was a terrible story, but true nonetheless.

    1. real_dc_native

      I use to like to listen to Diane until NPR decided it had to be "balanced" and that journalists were acceptable experts for any occasion.

  27. MissTaken

    10 years already? Feels like just yesterday we treated them to their vacation in a lush tropical environment.

  28. MissusBarry

    If it wouldn't be weird and creepy to have a celebrity crush on a man certainly old enough to be my grandfather, I'd totally want to bone Warren Buffett.

      1. Biff

        I'm not sure if you mean actually "near" or maybe "nearly", but I'll be 60 on Monday, is that close enough?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Likewise, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Harold and Maude, anyone? Because I'd totally want to emulate (the late, now) Ms. Gordon in my waning years.. for more reasons than intimated just now; just hope to have an nth of her "moxie" when my time comes.

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    Those Marines were just rinsing the dirt off of the corpses, to make identification easier and to help out the embalmers down at the mortuary. They didn't intend any disrespect!!

  30. DemonicRage

    You know, the way that Newt phrases his apology for going too hard on Mitt, it's almost as if he's saying that, due to the negative presence of Obama and his class warfare, he was BRAINWASHED! Funny how that comes round again.

  31. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Scott Horton on Guantanamo:

    The Bush Administration’s shameful response continues to distort the domestic political dialogue about Guantánamo, which amounts to an extended effort to avoid accountability for a series of stupid political mistakes. In the end, it has been effective domestic politics. But it has cost America enormously on the global stage, diminishing the country’s influence and degrading its moral image to an unprecedented degree. This, more than any other reason, is why Obama’s pledge to close Gitmo was fundamentally wise, and why Obama should be reminded of that pledge and pressed to bring it to fruition.

    P.S. Intense Debate is finding new ways to be pathetic, in my recent experience. Anyone else?

    1. jqheywood

      Obama should be reminded of that pledge and pressed to bring it to fruition.

      Yeah, 'cause getting something like that through a Congress filled with sniveling cowards (and bipartisan sniveling cowards, I might add) is such a piece of cake.

  32. freakishlywrong

    Oh and in other bad news for Newt, his dream pick for the State Department just jumped ship: John Bolton is endorsing Team Romney.

    Well, that seals it. I'm definitely not voting for Willard now.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I don't blame Romney. John Bolton strikes me as a swarmy little bastard who would switch to the front runners team in a moments notice.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Twinkies have no pull date, a forever and ever shelf life."

      Woody "Tallahassee" Harrelson proved this in "Zombieland."

  33. Fare la Volpe

    Happy Birthday, Li'l Gitmo!

    Happy Birthday to you
    You live in a zoo
    You look like a monkey
    And according to the Geneva Convention you qualify as a war crime…too.

  34. BigDumbRedDog

    Heard a guy on NPR this morning explaining that apparently its a sign of disrespect in Afghanistan to pee on a corpse. Who knew? Culture, how the fuck does it work?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Just like Osama's corpse being buried in the Arabian Sea had to be further proof of Obama hiding the fact that the man had been dead for ten years.

  35. Steverino247

    The video only serves to highlight what happens to human beings when they are trained to kill and then poorly led (supervised, in other words). I am not surprised to see this because Marines are among the dumbest humans to walk the Earth, something I see demonstrated almost daily. I assure you the USMC (Uncle Sam's Misguided Children) will find those responsible and burn the shit out of them. Being caught, of course, is the major crime, but since the Marines still punish people for "adultery" they should certainly deal with these guys as harshly as they deserve. It's only a matter of time before they're caught.

      1. Steverino247

        Shit, I was just getting warmed up there. I have no doubt that humans have been doing this kind of thing since they learned to walk erect. However, recording it was really stupid.The Germans and Japanese proved that during WW2 with their photos of war crimes and genocidal acts. I guess we need to change the rule: "You can kill them, but you can't eat them" to become "You can kill them, but you can't piss on them."

        My guess is that this footage is likely several years old, too.

        1. ttommyunger

          That's the problem in a nutshell: rules cannot be effectively applied to inhuman activities. This inconvenient truth pops its head up every once in a while ( as in this video) and everybody goes all “righteous”, then when the dust settles it's back to business as usual. We are a stupid lot, in my humble opinion.

  36. cheetojeebus

    Oh swell, now i have a new facial twitch.
    Sadly, I'm not kidding.

    is popcorn kittie the new three wolf moon?

  37. natoslug

    The next fucking mass fucking extinction event can't fucking come fucking soon enough. Why did I stop drinking last night? Now I have to start up all over again. Fuck. Well, at least I know have a reason to put pants on this morning.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I know. My liquor store frowns on me coming in for a bottle without pants on too. Fucking cretins.

      1. Mahousu

        The one good thing about Zombie Reagan is that it doesn't go after brains. Had no use for them alive, so doesn't look for them when dead.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Uncle Joe Stalin?

      The Spanish military government of Cuba?

      The apartied rulers of South Africa?

      The American South after the Civil War?

      Quite a roster right there…

  38. hagajim

    So if even Repubs believe in this class warfare thingy, why in the fuck isn't Barry and every other Dem on the planet beating this fucking drum like a bunch of wild ass Occupados?

    1. LesBontemps

      "Class warfare" exists only as a Republican talking point, but for the life of me I can't figure out why; you'd think that after 30 years or so we'd start actually fighting back.

  39. thefrontpage

    Here's today's first, exclusive selection from the new, behind-the-scenes, exclusive look at what goes on in the Vice President's Office– the new book by Bob Woodstein, "The Bidens," coming out Jan. 17, 2012, from Political Press, Washington, D.C. (496 pages, foreward by Rahm Emanuel, $29.95, hardcover):

    Jill was busy putting up decorations on the Vice President's House Christmas Tree on Thanksgiving Weekend, and she needed some help. "Joey," she called, using the pet term for Joe Biden that only she, Liza Minnelli, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Carol Channing were allowed to use for Joe Biden. "Where are the ornament balls? I can't find the balls!"

    Joe, already on his third spiked eggnog of the morning–and it was only 11 a.m.–remained seated in his favorite leather chair in the Vice President's House Den, the leather chair that was completely reupholstered, bleached, cleaned and completely re-done after its use by that Chaney monster. Joe just smiled.

    1. Biff

      Note the release date, Jan. 17. Michelle O's birthday. So her present is a book on the Bidens, to maybe get people to stop flapping their lips about Michelle?

  40. thefrontpage

    "Honey, come on down to the Den, and I'll show you where the balls are!" he yelled. "And hurry, I want to show you where the blue balls are!"

    Jill recognized this as "code" for something else, and she promptly stopped her Christmas Tree decorating. The rest of the decorations would just have to wait! Luckily, it was Thanksgiving Weekend, and the usual gaggle of Secret Service Agents were all on vacation, and she and "Joey" were the only ones in the House.

    "Coming, Joey," she called, and giggled all the way down to the Den, where Joe was waiting, wearing only his cut-off Levi denim shorts.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Are you the same "TheFrontPage" that used to post many moons ago here, pre-IntenseDebate wonketteer? Because if y'all are one and the same, you sure do sound different now than you did then.

      1. Mahousu

        I think it's some kind of collective. Maybe Michele Bachmann's laid-off campaign staff? Or those Hill staffers who quit over drunk tweeting?

  41. poorgradstudent

    Aww, is the cognitive dissonance from being a party that claims to love the values of the working class yet whores itself to plutocrats finally getting too strong?

  42. real_dc_native

    "The $170 million probe-turned-extra-terrestrial improvised explosive device was visiting Phobos, the larger of Mars’ two moons, which was fittingly named after the Greek god of fear, since: we’re all going to die now, everybody freak out."

    This seems like the perfect opportunity to bring back the Wonkette Terror 'bot or what ever that screeching droid was called. I may be the only one but that thing really cracked me up.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Is that just like the "Dick" Morris kiss-of-death?

      He predicts a candidate will win – and that poor sucker just goes right down in flames…

      Are Ole Crazy Eyes and poor Herman Cain going to get their money back from him?

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