descending at the speed of light

Rick Perry Bungeeing His Way to Zero, But CNN Letting Him Debate Anyway

CNN decided Wednesday to let Rick Perry into its upcoming Republican debate in South Carolina January 19, despite the fact that he technically doesn’t qualify for it, since his polling average is not that much higher than the average of people who aren’t even in the race anymore. “Oh but he’s fun!,” they cry, and this isn’t so shocking from the network that tries to please everybody by pleasing no one.

“He has met the criteria,” a CNN spokesperson told Talking Points Memo, and when TPM followed up asking what exact criteria that was, they didn’t not “immediately,” and may not ever, receive clarification. CNN’s eligibility requirements for the debate are pretty clear-cut, and Perry just doesn’t make them.

Since it will be awhile until we can experience the anti-anxiety and comedic power of Perry’s performance, TPM also has this delightful slideshow of “things that are less steep than Rick Perry’s drop in the polls.” Specifically, the roofs of historic buildings, with Perry “posing” in front of those buildings, looking like the confused paper doll that he so often appears to be. [TPM]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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86 comments

    1. Tundra Grifter

      You think he'll drag it in? At this point it probably doesn't stink any more than his "campaign."

    2. ProgressiveInga

      I read that as, "Perry'll bring his peyote along" and was thinking that would be an improvement.

  1. hagajim

    Li'l Ricky will be there to debate if he is relevant. Amazing how fast and far these maroons fall once they start down that slippery slope of stupidity.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      Ah, CNN. What's more trustworthy than introducing guests with fake inventions.

      I can't wait until some mid-level producer suggests interviewing Abraham Lincoln on CNN's new "Time Machine".

  2. V572 the Merciless

    Buddy Roehmer and Vermin Supreme: call your attorneys!

    And CNN and TPM get downfisted for not knowing that the "criteria" is the plural of "criterion." This data is pissing me off.

  3. edgydrifter

    It's going to take a heavy dip into his private stash of hydroponic couchlock for Gary Johnson to process that Gov. Brokeback is still being invited to debate.

  4. Chichikovovich

    OK I've heard of the expression "Yellow Dog Democrat" for someone who would vote for a yellow dog rather than a Republican. But I don't know of any equivalent, for someone who would vote for anything, however terrible, over a Democrat.

    I suggest "Rick Perry Republican".

  5. Callyson

    Oy, does this mean they are grooming him to be a CNN talking head when he finally does drop out? Well, there's another on my long list of reasons not to watch CNN…

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        Yeah, you have to be pretty quick mentally (not smart mind you, just quick) to do the back and forth of live television. The fact that you can actually see Perry's thoughts form and travel through his neurons to his mouth… the man's "train of thought" moves as if the diesel engine is broken and it is being pushed through a snowstorm by a few average strengthed men is what I'm saying.

  6. CapnFatback

    since his polling average is not that much higher than the average of people who aren’t even in the race anymore.

    Yeah, but it's still waaaaaaaaaaaaay higher than his IQ.

    1. CapnFatback

      And, not to quibble, as it's not my job to crank out these posts in a timely manner for us Comment Folk to sup upon (and we all thank you for the tasty, tasty gruel), but I initially read the second "average" in the quoted section above as referring to an average of a number of people, not the polling average.

      /asshole Composition teacher.

  7. Barb

    Will that guy be there? The one who looks like he's the closer at the Cadillac dealership. Mitt something or another.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    “He has met the criteria,” a CNN spokesperson told Talking Points Memo

    Has a pulse? Check.
    Has a suitcase filled with unmarked bills? Check.
    Has tried-and-tested fellatio expertise? Check.
    Has demonstrated obvious stupidity and/or batshit insanity? Check.

    This way to the lectern, Ricky.

    1. Rotundo_

      Shouldn't that be "Has tried-and-tasted fellatio expertise?"? I think the idiot would flunk the test, but he more than likely has tasted, repeatedly. This is the guy who could only muster a gentlemans "C" in animal breeding. I honestly don't think he could pass a piss test, much less a fellatio test, even if it were multiple choice.

  9. Fawkdifiknow

    You know what would be highly entertaining reading, and worth a ton of laughs? A list of donors to the Rick Perry for President campaign committee.

    I like to know who the fools-and-their-money-separated are, for schadenfreude.

  10. YouBetcha

    "Wait, did you say Rick Perry? No no, I thought you said JIM CARREY. Rick Perry is not in fact eligible. Jim Carrey will however be joining the debate, and promoting his new film. Glad we cleared that up."

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Rick Perry — the Pluto of GOP nomination candidates. Too bad CNN missed its opportunity to be the Neil DeGrasse Tyson of this metaphor.

  12. memzilla

    “He has met the criteria,” [said] a CNN spokesperson…

    By doing what, exactly? Photosynthesis? To paraphrase Molly Ivins, if Perry were any dumber he'd have to be watered twice a day.

  13. Mahousu

    Considering his previous performances, I would have thought Rick Perry would be petitioning to be left out of this debate.

    Preferably, by bringing in a (forged) note: "Please excuse Ricky from this debate because he's not feeling well. Signed, my mom."

  14. Jukesgrrl

    I"d take Rick Perry if Wolf Blitzer could be disinvited.

    When will we get a debate featuring Basil Marceaux, Alvin Greene, that stripper who was running against Vitter, and the Rent is Too Damn HIGH guy? Clearly the Republicans and CNN fear a discussion of issues that really matter to We the People.

  15. MosesInvests

    I hope Gov. Goodhair stays on the campaign trail to the bitter end-Austin is so much nicer without him.

  16. Rosie_Scenario

    This is a staple of reality TV. Like when they keep a crap designer on "Project Runway" because he/she is a train wreck/ drama queen, oddball, etc. It's all about ratings. Get the popcorn and grab a seat.

  17. neiltheblaze

    Well, hell – why not include Rick? It's no more disruptive than having a potted plant on the stage.

  18. KeepFnThatChicken

    This is just to bait liberals into watching. Which is fine, really… call it a "homecoming," since nobody watches CNN anymore.

Comments are closed.