2012 will be like 2012

Doomsday Clock 5 Minutes ‘Til Midnight; Iranian Assassinated

Toast!How are things? Bad? Oh. Well, there’s always “Angry Birds” or whatever. Oxycontin. And the fancy scientist people have moved the “symbolic” Doomsday Clock another minute closer to Midnight. This does not mean “another minute closer to Santa’s visit,” or whatever the popular superstitions are these days. It means the world will come to an actual end, as far as we know. Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years. Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.” But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway. WE choose to believe in American Football Jesus, who will take us all to Heaven, which will be like CostCo but everything will be covered in molten gold, even the 78-packs of Doritos. And we will never have to pretend to try to exercise, and we can hate black people with impunity. It’s going to be glorious, this American White People Heaven.

BBC News reports:

The Doomsday Clock, a symbolic gauge of nuclear danger, has moved one minute closer to midnight because of “inadequate progress” on nuclear and climate issues. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS) announced the move – to five minutes before midnight – on Tuesday.

BAS said the failure of multiple nations to control the spread of nuclear weapons was a cause for worry. Global climate change was also an issue that needed to be addressed, according to Allison Macfarlane, a BAS Science and Security Board member.

“The global community may be near a point of no return in efforts to prevent catastrophe from changes in Earth’s atmosphere,” she said in a statement.

In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today in the assassination of an Iranian nuclear scientist. Just like in some shitty Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage movie, a bunch of ninja motorcycle riders surrounded this Iranian guy’s car, stuck a “magnetic bomb” on the side, and sped off. And the guy was killed. His driver was nearly killed, and might still die. Team America! [BBC News/The Guardian]

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Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Good, I'm already sick and tired of this election.

  • Come here a minute

    We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when…

    • Data Exactly

      We're always meeting again. Hopefully the end of planet Earth will stop this cycle of meeting again and again.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Take up your China Doll, it's only fractured…

    • C_R_Eature

      Where We'll meet: The War Room.

      When We'll Meet: When Henry Kissinger jumps up out of his wheelchair yelling "Mein Fuhrer! I can Valk!"

    • WootInTarnation

      As long as I get to play Slim Pickers, it's all good. And I want my survival kit at two minutes to midnight so I have enough time to use all the good stuff.

      I'll offer generous terms to anyone who'd like to swap their morphine for my pep pills. I'll throw in the Combination Rooshun Phrase Book and BuyBull for free. Holla.

      • C_R_Eature

        I see your Pep Pills and raise you this pack of USAF Prophylactics, Mil-Spec MIL-P-149D.

  • Limeylizzie

    In other news…was this a Wonkette?
    http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/01/11/c-span-call

    • Barb

      Obama's is bigger, I'm sure.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Sounds like it wasn't Barb.

    • Callyson

      "Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?”
      "I don't know–ask one of the Rickys."

    • ph7

      I have a dream that someday we'll judge our Presidential candidates not by the color of his Mormon people, but by the content of his Magic Underpants.

      • Limeylizzie

        You, my friend, are fantastique.

    • GOPCrusher

      Sounds more like a Howard Stern stunt.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

        totally. Bababooey.

    • flamingpdog

      Last year at the United Nations, they held a little-reported world leader's "biggest penis" contest. Sarkozy stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 6-inch dick, and the band played "La Marseillaise" in his honor. Then Obama stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 10 inch dick, and the band played "The Star-Spangled Banner" in his honor. Finally, Prince Phillip stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 15-INCH dick and the band played "God Save the Queen" in his honor.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

      "I just wanted to make sure I heard him right. ('cause I was all ready to comment.)"

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      Mitt is all dick with no balls.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

        Are you sure he's even anatomically correct? I would think there's just a plastic flesh-colored space there.

    • Guppy

      Who else would be the type of person who'd both watch C-SPAN and utter the word "penis" in public?

    • C_R_Eature

      No, I don't buy it. These Penis Pranksters have been working this act for a while on the talk shows. One of them asked a politico – on the air, live – if he's ever had a Vulcan Mind Meld with Howard Stern's Penis.

      Now, a Wonketteer would ask something far more creative I think:

      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a cleverly designed simulacrum?"
      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a lizard in a human suit?"
      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney IS a big Penis?"

      Kinda like that. But funnier.

    • fuflans

      not in those pants.

    • Negropolis

      A man identifying himself as “Dan” called in on C-SPAN’s Republican line pose a question to Wayne MacDonald, Chairman of the New Hampshire Republican Party.

      “I used to be an assistant to the Portsmouth city manager,” the man explained. “And part of my job would be to help prepare for the primaries. So, I know a little bit of what Chairman MacDonald is going through, a very little bit. I know you have a big job today, sir.”

      “And my question as regards to how turnout will affect the eventual results and that is, Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?” he asked.

      “Oh!” the startled C-SPAN host gasped. “I apologize to Chairman MacDonald for that comment. We’re trying to keep the conversation productive here this morning.”

      MacDonald smiled and replied, “I wanted to make sure I heard him right.”

      Ha!

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Well…does he?

      • Limeylizzie

        I seriously doubt it, but I suspect that Newt does, I know that is repulsive but I just have a hunch.

  • CapnFatback

    Meanwhile, my Meatball Sub Clock's alarm has been going off for like fifteen minutes now.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I don't care if the world ends because I am going to heaven!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      How many times a day are you tebowing?

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        No, Cat heaven!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          How do you achieve this blessed state?

          I'm sure it would be much more fun than Human Heaven, warm, comfortable, sensuous, fragrant, and interspersed with periods of complete lunacy, loud shrieking, rushing about at high speed and attacking anything that moves.

          • flamingpdog

            Except you have to poop in a box in Cat heaven.

          • BigDumbRedDog

            And you have to clean yourself with your own tongue. Cats are gross.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Hey, dawg, you watch yourself there.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Long's somebody else has to clean it up, I haz no problumz.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    When the doomsday happens I am totally going cannibal. Just a warning.

    • MrFizzy

      You can start with Callista.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        That hair spray is pretty toxic stuff. Burns well though.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        No meat on those bones.

        • Geminisunmars

          There you are, Jukesgrrl. I've been waiting to commiserate on your Steeler's loss, and the beyond crazy Denver jubilation. I will now have to convert to being a Jebus follower thanks to this event.

      • Negropolis

        You can't eat plastic, silly.

    • DaRooster

      I thought you were going "cannonball"…
      And I was like,"Hey, that would be fun… maybe into the Snake River."

    • ttommyunger

      Great news for Marcus!

    • sati_demise

      Dogs are carnivores, after all.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Some of us have already swapped descriptions of identifying scars, just in case we run into, you know, each other's body parts while on just such a spree.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Dr. Manhattan will save us.

    • emmelemm

      With his giant, blue penis.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        There's nothing like a Dr. Manhattan threesome.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          He doesn't even need anyone else to do that, if I recall correctly.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Doomsday clock or Doomsday cock?

        • Loaded_Pants

          Stop it, you two, I'm getting excited about Doomsday!

    • schvitzatura

      Get me Big Mac, fries to go…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    When is someone going to buy this symbolic clock a symbolic battery?

    • Data Exactly

      The symbolic battery is all of the grief and anticipation about the world ending. Symbolic car-battery size, over here.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    They moved the clock up because admin keeps shutting down comments.

    • SorosBot

      Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Only prosings.

      • GOPCrusher

        We can send this whole blog to Afghanistan. None will be lost.

    • sati_demise

      Anti Nukers are now 'terrorists' as are 'climate change' radicals.
      .

  • Chichikovovich

    This means we're going to get a bunch of really cool superheros now, right?

    • Guppy

      No, just the usual nerd fantasy avatar variety of superhero.

  • SorosBot

    How are things? Well I just found I'm facing what's basically a temporary layoff for the next couple weeks, while waiting for the next batch of documents to work on to come in. At least I've got a good amount of money saved up, and should be back to work before too long.

    • Chichikovovich

      Sorry to hear that S.B. Best of luck in the coming weeks. Glad to know that you've prepared for it.

    • MissTaken

      Ah shit, sorry.

      • SorosBot

        Luckily tonight's already a night I usually go out on – guess I'll aiming to get drunk instead of just having a few drinks instead.

        • DaRooster

          Bot, sorry to hear that… I will taste a toast (or 10) in hopes of it all working out for you.

    • emmelemm

      Lay in a supply of hobo beans, ramen, and cheap booze. Then persevere!

      • SorosBot

        Mmm ramen. And hey, I'll have more time for masturbation!

        • emmelemm

          Naturally, by "persevere" I meant "masturbate".

        • Loaded_Pants

          Time to brush up on technique!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          There ya go! Always look on the bright side. You could perfect your stroke.

    • flamingpdog

      Two weeks to pad your league-leading p total!

      • SorosBot

        And hey, I can comment in my underwear now!

        • jus_wonderin

          Underwear, hell, I comment in the nude.

          • bitchincamaro2

            Thought all dogs were nude.

          • jus_wonderin

            Only the street dogs. I remove my collar when I skitter on the Wonkette hardwoods.

          • emmelemm

            What about when you scoot across the Wonkette carpet?

            PS I might have commented on this long ago, but my recently departed dog was just like your avatar. I miss 'im!

          • BigDumbRedDog

            I always clean my butt on the huffpo carpet before I come to the wonkette.

          • emmelemm

            Good dog! ;)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            In *this* weather? Oh, right, fur coat.

        • MissTaken

          Your P is going to be so big.

          **MissTaken blushes profusely**

          • SorosBot

            You, with your filthy mouth, blush? I find that hard to believe.

          • MissTaken

            I've only just gotten used to how big your P currently is.

          • SorosBot

            Well you deserve to have as much P-ness as me and Barb.

          • flamingpdog

            Barb has P-ness? I'm bisexual and I didn't even know it.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          So … I take it this means you don't work in the porn industry?

          (Dammit!)

    • Callyson

      Ouch, that sucks. Glad it's just temporary at least.

    • Crank_Tango

      well, on the bright side you will have two weeks to know what it is like to be mitt romney.
      on the downside, you will have to get up pretty early to get that hair just right.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yikes, good luck 'Bot. May the interregnum be short.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Wait, you have a good amount of money saved up?

      Me too, but with the latest turmoil in Burkina Faso, I need a small amount of cash to facilitate the transfer of those saved monies to a safer location.

    • UnholyMoses

      Damn. That sucks. But, good to read you have some savings as a CYA (most folks don't … including myself) and another gig lined up.

      So, fuck it — enjoy the time off! Drink a bit more, shower a bit less, and snark all day long.

      And by "snark" I mean "masturbate," of course ….

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Stay strong bro…I may be laid off soon myself…at which time I become an artist for the government.

    • Terry

      I'm really sorry, Soros.

      During the government shutdown in the 90's, I wiled away the hours writing to Republican members of Congress letting them (or their interns, I guess) know what I thought of them. Didn't do much good, but I did feel a lot better. Something to consider.

      • Geminisunmars

        Just think how much worse things might have been (or might be) if you hadn't done that good work. I mean, I just checked, and the alternate universe would have had President Huckabee decreeing that all Acorn organizations be disbanded on this date.

      • SorosBot

        I'm planning on spending my time taking the stupid, pointless CLE courses I need for the year, since I won't be working anyway I don't need to take off.

    • AutomaticPilot

      Sorry to hear, SB. Hang in there.

    • C_R_Eature

      That sucks. Best of luck and misuse your time off well!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Well, shit, doesn't that just suck. Here's hoping it's short, sweet, and swiftly rewarded with further lucrative work. (Hugs the Bot)

      • SorosBot

        Thanks, and thanks everybody.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      just let us know if we need to take up a collection for booze $$$, plus I got a great recipe for turning H2O into wine (DRINK UP!)

  • MissTaken

    Silly Left Behinders! You forgot about Daylight Savings Time. It's already 55 minutes AFTER doomsday.

    • SorosBot

      And hey, if it's five minutes to midnight on the East Coast then you on the West still have three hours and five minutes. Or maybe they're on Greenwich Mean Time?

    • Data Exactly

      The nuclear bomb is supposed to blow up all of the literal and symbolic clocks to smithereens.

  • smashedinhat

    Job security that. Running a clock that doesn't do anything. Could be applied to so many things!

    • ph7

      I've applied for the Human Enlightenment Clock Keeper job. It's been running backwards for 30 years now, and clearly in need of repair.

  • CapnFatback

    I don't know what everyone is so worried about. I'd say that in addition to that five minutes, we still have at least twenty-five years. That Doomsday fella doesn't even own a digital clock yet.

    • SorosBot

      I don't know about that; that Doomsday fella managed to kill Superman, for us humans he'll be a problem.

      • CapnFatback

        You just wanted to work in another R.E.M. reference in this puppy, dinja?

        • SorosBot

          Nope, that was actually accidental; I was referring to this Doomsday, who killed Superman (he got better).

          • CapnFatback

            Oh, I was there when it happened, my friend. I stood in line in late 1992 for several copies of the black-bagged "Death of Superman" issues, which, by my and Govenor Brewer's calculations, should be worth about twenty grand apiece by now.

            There, now you've gone and made me expose my comic geek past. (I got better too.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    What the hell's the reason for all the panic? The clock says we've got five minutes — and if we don't do anything, the free market will fix it in four minutes. Now watch this drive…

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      aaah it's nice to remember the classics from Shrub when the world is coming to an end…does anyone besides me wonder how this century might be going if Al Gore would've been POTUS for the first 8 years instead of thos evil fucks at Cheney/ Bush, Inc? I'm not sayin' Al was perfect or anything but I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have bankrupted the cuntry with illegal wars and banking whores and the entire rest of the planet wouldn't hate us…hell we'd probably have solar panels on fucking EVERYTHING, and JET PACKS! maybe just wishful thinking…sigh

  • MrFizzy

    If it's doomsday I need to run and wash my hair.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      And I feel fine.

  • coolhandnuke

    The remains of the day…who will fight it out for world domination, will be cockroaches, Dick Cheney, gonorrhea and Tim Tebow.

    • coolhandnuke

      And SPAM.

      • elviouslyqueer

        And Twinkies.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      cockroaches WITH gonorrhea for the win!

    • WhatTheHeck

      World domination will go to the Koch-roaches.

  • Radiotherapy

    Where's my 72 virgins? And a box of Cialis? And two bathtubs in the middle of nowhere?
    And while I'm at it, maybe we'll finally get our flying cars.

    • real_dc_native

      There will be cars flying all right. Just before they vaporize or crash into smoething.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I hope the world doesn't end before Tesus (or is it Jebow?) faces the Dark Side…
    ~

  • jus_wonderin

    I have a toaster that makes Doomsday toast…just like that image.

    • Loaded_Pants

      But do you have one that makes Jesus toast?

      • jus_wonderin

        My comment won't be original, but I thought it was cute.

        Grilled Cheesus?

        • Loaded_Pants

          Mmm…grilled cheesus….

      • flamingpdog

        I thought the Romans made Jesus toast.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

      I have a Cuisinart toaster that makes Doomsday toast all the time. I'm about to throw it in the damn trash.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Iran's Nuclear Program just entered the Danger Zone.

  • flamingpdog

    If an Iranian nuclear scientist takes 30 minutes to get ready to go to work in the morning, and a Mossad agent arriving at an Iranian nuclear scientist's house just as the lights go on in the house takes 6 minutes to install a bomb on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car, how many bombs can be installed on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car before the Iranian nuclear scientist walks out the front door of his house and almost makes it to his car before it explodes? And how soon will the shrapnel intersect the path of a train leaving Tehran at 6:30 AM traveling east at 60 kph?

    • nounverb911

      Nine Beaver Ridge, GA Elementary School teachers?

    • Come here a minute

      Sorry, I was only taught how to solve slave-based word problems.

    • TeaNuts

      They said there would be no math.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Uh, 56 oranges?

    • sati_demise

      Math/science win

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

    ♫♪ We are living in an Unnatural World
    And I am an Unnatural Girl ♪♫

    • Data Exactly

      You want to kill us all RIGHT NOW?!?!?

  • chascates

    Finally! I'm ready for all of these people to be Raptured or whatever.

    • jus_wonderin

      I got this horrible thought just now, what if only the right side of the people gets Raptured? This is how my mind works.

      • chascates

        I was looking forward to all of the prosthetic devices that will fall from the sky. And what about the clothes? I need size 9 shoes, preferably Muck boots.

        • jus_wonderin

          I do like the way you think. Maybe I should put my savings into large tubs that the unRaptured can hold up unto the sky to receive its Rapturous bounty???

          iPad! Score!!!

  • MissTaken

    Anyone know any good recipes for cockroach?

    • jus_wonderin

      I saw one on the new FearFactor. I will look it up and get back to you.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Pro tip: Himalayan salt.

      • MissTaken

        Dammit, all this time I've been stocking up on fleur de sel

        • smashedinhat

          Excellent. Roaches go with everything.

    • elviouslyqueer

      May I suggest something with fava beans and a nice Chianti?

    • YouBetcha

      Tossed in garlic, sea salt & oilve oil, then roasted, and served on a bed of arugula.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefillednewyear

        Palmetto Niçoise.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      I know some recipes. Wouldn't say any of them are "good" though.

    • WhatTheHeck

      First you put the roach in a clip and then you smoke it… with some mesquite wood, that is.

    • Negropolis

      Just add bacon. Bacon saves! Through bacon, all things are possible.

  • Steverino247

    Bad timing for the former Marine sentenced to death by Iran, that blowing up one of their nuke experts.

    • sati_demise

      ouch

  • SorosBot

    I'm preparing; got my collection of bottlecaps going strong so I'll be able to buy things, I've got a nice new laser rifle and lots microfusion cells and have really managed to put a lot of points into energy weapons.

    • HistoriCat

      Is that a Gamma World reference?

      • SorosBot

        No, Fallout 3; but that heavily influenced by Gamma World.

    • Nesnora

      The real decision will be… Tenpenny-Tower or Megaton?

      I put all my points into speech, I'm fucked…

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    "Just like in some shitty Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage movie"

    Is there any other kind?

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, there is the kind with both of them, for which "shitty" is a hundred times too mild an adjective.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

        Or even worse, just imagine a movie with Cruise, Cage and Travolta. ("Face Off 2"?).

        • Loaded_Pants

          How about "Legend 2" with Cage replacing Tim Curry as "Darkness" and Travolta playing "Oona" (the coked-up fairy)? Yeah, that would suck.

          I'd still watch it, at least once.

    • littlebigdaddy

      End of the world is one thing. Being forced to watch a Nicholas Cage movie another.

  • MissTaken

    WOAH, my Wonkette did that funky avatar thingamajig. It must be Doomsday!

  • bitchincamaro2

    Luckily pro soccer referees are able add time at will. We'll be fine. Carry on.

    • Chichikovovich

      True. If those poindexters had any sense of public relations they would have announced that we're in "stoppage time".

  • WhatTheHeck

    One atomic clock story can ruin your whole day.

  • Chichikovovich

    "In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today"

    If you're going to jump to this conclusion you evidently haven't known very many physics departments. My guess is that he was driving home from having given one of his colleagues the assignment to teach intro statistical physics for the second year in a row.

    • AlterNewt

      I had no idea.

  • meatlofer

    A magnetic bomb? I didn't think there was any metal left in these new vehicles.Hmmmm who knew?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    And now, in honor of Doomsday, here's our very own GIR! "Now I'm going to sing the Doom Song! Doom, doom, doomdie doom doom doom!"

  • WinterOuthouse

    Does it have a snooze button? Any really good kind of clock has a snooze button. Was this clock made by the Swiss? Everybody knows the Swiss make really good clocks and cheese.

    • jus_wonderin

      This reminds me of the time Aunt Rebecka brought her special garlic cheese balls to the Church Potluck.

    • CapnFatback

      Oh my, yes. And have you seen what their army has accomplished in the field of cutlery?

    • Data Exactly

      It's called 'Iran not responding.'

  • MissTaken

    It's really no biggie, my Doomsday clock has been flashing 12:00 nonstop for years and nothing's come of it.

    • flamingpdog

      I'd be honored to look for the button to push to make it stop flashing.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Do they have a Quakesday clock too?

    • jus_wonderin

      I see what you did there.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Uh, Atomic Scientists — aren't you the last people on earth to be chiding others about insufficient vigor in the negotiations to put you out of business?

    • sati_demise

      Word.

  • poorgradstudent

    Oh, America and Israel…I've heard of inexplicable, one-sided, borderline abusive relationships destroying individual lives, but not the world!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Thank goodness I'm a mild-mannered, bespectacled bank teller who spends his lunches reading in the vault. When the world ends I'll have so much time to devote to my reading! It's foolproof!

    • Rotundo_

      Wasn't Burgess fantastic in that one? One of my favorites, along with the omnipotent Billy Mumy screwing with the folks.

    • real_dc_native

      Get yourself one of those strap thingies that keep your glasses from falling off and maybe get a spare pair and keep them in your desk drawer at work.

    • Bluestatelibel

      Time to invest in Lasix eye correction I think.

  • ttommyunger

    Herman Cain has a Doomsday Cock, too. He says five minutes on that puppy and you'll be speaking in tongues and seeing the Face of God…What? CLOCK? Oh. Never mind.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The hell does Spongebob have to do w/ nucular war?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      I saw "Kool Aid Man Frowning"… google it.

  • UnholyMoses

    And all this time I thought it was Two Minutes to Midnight. Not five.

    Stupid watch batteries.

    Oh, and:

    Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years.

    About five billion, to be a tad more accurate (give or a take an eon or several). That's when the sun starts to run out of fuel, turning into a red supergiant and swallowing the inner planets like the GOP swallows the jobs, hopes and dreams of American families.

    • jus_wonderin

      I think there is an upside to the Earth lasting longer than we who destroyed it. It can act as a marker to the stupidity of the folks that canceled her.

      If only we could start chiseling the huge letters that spell out, "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

      • sati_demise

        They did this in South America a thousand years ago, so we certainly can.
        Texas would be perfect.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Anyone know a good seasoning recipe for zombie flesh? Ideally something without the fallouty after taste.

    • bitchincamaro2

      Shake 'n' Bake

  • DaRooster

    So it is probably good that I am currently occupying my Chase held home and saving up for life in the hills…
    "Honey, order them Non-GMO seeds!"

  • DaRooster

    It will surely be nice in Heaven… just think… NO GOPeople.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Unless of course Jerry Falwell is a regional manager up there. In which case I wonder if I could use expedia to book my room in hell now?

      • DaRooster

        That guy is nowhere near Heaven.

        • SorosBot

          We're closer to it now; didn't you hear? Oooh, heaven is a place on Earth.

  • YouBetcha

    You know who else foretold of Doomsday with a clock?

  • AlterNewt

    God Dammit. I just paid my car insurance a year in advance.

    • emmelemm

      I know, right? I need to start charging more on my credit card.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Even worse: Your policy probably doesn't cover the end of the world.

      • AlterNewt

        God Dammit!

  • barto

    OK here's the solution: nukular winter! Just thinking out loud, people…

  • snoopyfan2010

    Christ! And they say God is on our side.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway

    Ken, none of us are actually fooled by this whole "Wonkete, Jr" shtick, anymore. Just saying.

  • arcadesproject

    These guys have been watching way too many violent spy type movies. Gotta sentence them to a year of musical comedies. Dawn 'til dusk, man.

  • user-of-owls

    America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today

    Well somebody had to. You think the clock moves all by itself or something? Geez, kids today.

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    I wonder if the "Iranian Scientist / Random Iranian Guy" ratio higher or lower than the "Terrorist Training Camp / Afghan Wedding" ratio.

    • sati_demise

      rational win

  • rocktonsam

    Will there be weather in the 8's?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      There will never be 8's. Never.

      • rocktonsam

        on on on

  • Rotundo_

    "America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today" Since it worked, I would go with Mossad. Our guys would have blown themselves up leaving only their bodies from the ass down on the bikes with american passports in the back pockets and the "Nukuler" scientist would have pissed his pants laughing at them.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      That was my first thought too! It had to be Mossad. Besides, too subtle for Americans. we'd just invade.

  • real_dc_native

    I think they're missing something. Curtis Lemay passed on back in 1990. That alone should have set the clock back a good fifteen minutes.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      He was an evil motherfucker, wasn't he.

    • flamingpdog

      Bombs Away With Curtis Lemay!

  • mavenmaven

    Don't forget the possible involvement of the Kurds! Whey to go Kurds! Operation Little Miss Snuffit!

  • Radiotherapy

    Are we liveblogging doomsday?

    • emmelemm

      Is there enough alcohol left in the world for that?

  • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

    Just on NPR: "US-Iran relations have been steadily declining, and Iran's threat to close the straight of Hormuz isn't helping."

    LOL NPR. I'm certain our murdering their citizens is totally seen as to them as a friendly gesture. Just like sending a fruit basket or a bouquet of flowers or something.

    Hillary of course has vehemently denied that the US was involved. So that's that, unless you believe in that old saying: "If you want confirmation, just wait for the official denial."

    • Negropolis

      Honestly, this has all the markings of Mossad. We may be providing intelligence, though, I doubt even that. We're far to messy to have pulled of these bombings. When we do shit, our fingerprints are over everything.

  • emmelemm

    He was about 16, plus or minus, so he had a good long life. The last year or so, he was in poor shape, though.

    Thanks for the good thoughts. We really do bond with them, don't we?

    • C_R_Eature

      I'd rather hang with the Pack, than with people. Of course, that's not exactly Hot News.

      BTW, 16 yrs. is excellent and dogs themselves don't care about Time.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What, we assassinated an Iranian nuclear scientist/terrorist? I guess the right wingers will be giving all the credit to George Bush, right?

  • Guppy

    Imagine if Mossad didn't actually exist, and all these clandestine attacks in Islamic Middle East states were actually done by each other?

    The Saudis and the Iranians need the Israelis, or they'd have nuked each other ages ago.

    • not that Dewey

      Hey Guppy — slightly OT, but today is a Doomsday, according to the Doomsday Algorithm for perpetual calendars!

      • flamingpdog

        I never knew Al Gore has rhythm.

        • not that Dewey

          Who could ask for anything more?

    • MosesInvests

      Do any of the people who think that Israel is the cause of all conflict in the Middle East really believe that Muslims and Christians, Sunnis and Shiites, Arabs, Iranians and Kurds would all sit down together and sing "Kumbaya", if only those pesky Joos weren't there?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Just thinking out loud here, not trying to start a war or anything, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the obvious possibility that Iranians themselves did the assassination thingy?

    • PapistRadical

      Well that would be an exciting thriller twist, but considering several Iranian scientists have died in explosions several times in the last three years, the Iranians would have to be very special in the head to be killing of useful educated people off instead of having them continue work on the nuclear project their so intent on, without even pretending to believe them guilty of disloyalty or heresy, like even the flakiest top Stalinist dictator or Arab monarch would do. It seems rather very counter-intuitive to me, but elaborate what you have in mind.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        Cruise, Clooney, and Jolie. Bam.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    If Mossad did this, do you think they'll get the citation that Congress withheld from Seal Team 6?

  • not that Dewey

    Even an entirely symbolic, meaningless clock is right twice a day.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    where's Tim Teebow when you need him? DId I just say that, I thought I was just thinking out loud …

    • sunmusing

      I hope he is preparing for the game on Sat.

  • Warpde

    Gwendolen Beck must be creaming his panties.

  • ElPinche

    That just means another season of fucking American Idol .

    • user-of-owls

      If there weren't ways to avoid (mostly) the filthy black liquid that collects at the bottom of the dumpster, behind a pork butcher, in the middle of summer, in Calcutta that is that odious cluster of K-based Armenians, well I would be knocking down Atomic Scientists to get to the clock so I could ram it straight to midnight.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

    The sick-and-tired feeling, or the election?

  • fuflans

    man i remember – back in the day – dating a neocon (don't ask) who was working at the bulletin (don't ask). i used to go to this funky ass hyde park house on 57th? 58th? street and wait for the boy to get off work. as with most of my quality time in hyde park, i was usually listening to punk rock.

    good times.

  • sati_demise

    Choose between: instant death or indefinite detention w/ torture.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    Well, at least the USA had absolutely nothing to do with it –

    "National Security Council spokesman Tommy Vietor said the US "had absolutely nothing to do" with the attack."

    It was probably just random street crime, don't ya think?

  • Negropolis

    Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.”

    This is good news for Vermine Supreme.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Meh. We've been worse.

  • Smithboy

    With the constant drip of propaganda against Iran (As was the case in the lead up to Iraq war, no contrary opinions are allowed) there is little or no sympathy for the scientist murdered by a terrorist.

    What you won't hear is that Iran should be running out of oil within the next forty years. Their hope is to replace oil burning power plants with nuclear power. Of course, they didn't ask Israel or the US…Pretty please…and so now they must suffer the fate of Iraq.

    USA the half-witted puppet of a shitty little country like Israel. That is depressing.

    • Negropolis

      I believe almost nothing our government tells us about Iran, but I think it's propoganda, itself, to pretend that Iran is enriching uranium purely for civilian use. That's just plain bullshit. They are as much enriching it for an arsenal as they are for energy, and I totally get why they want an arsenal, and it's not for offensive purposes. They see how the West treats nations with The Bomb. They know that as soon as they get it, we'll be as (faux) chummy with them as we are with Pakistan, a nation that hates our fucking guts more than just about any nation in the world. They want The Bomb for defense and diplomatic purposes since we've been threatening either war or isolation against them since before I was born.

      It is just as much propoganda to try and say that this is only about civilian energy use as it is to say that this program is about aquiring a bomb solely to threaten its neighbors.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Dear Jebus, please Rapture, (rupture), the teabag assholes so the rest of us can get this shit cleaned up down here. Thank you…

  • Nesnora

    What does it say about our species that one of our universal fantasies is wanting to be there for doomsday, whether it's brought about by natural, man-made or mythical destruction… that the thought that we are less then a flyspeck of shit on the radar of eternity is, like, totally a bummer or something… that we need to be there personally, huddled together in the restaurant at the end of the universe or it's not even worth getting up in the morning…

    The vanity of this is fucking hilarious.

    *takes a bong rip*

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'm pretty sure that a nuke's EMP would stop Cheney's heart, so he's got one vulnerability that we living humans do not.

  • Wonderthing

    Doomsday Clock Accidentally Moved Ahead Two Minutes PAST Midnight: Everyone Wakes Up Dead

    "Oops, Says Slightly Hungover Scientist"