2012 WILL BE LIKE 2012  4:45 pm January 11, 2012

Doomsday Clock 5 Minutes ‘Til Midnight; Iranian Assassinated

by Wonkette Jr.

Toast!How are things? Bad? Oh. Well, there’s always “Angry Birds” or whatever. Oxycontin. And the fancy scientist people have moved the “symbolic” Doomsday Clock another minute closer to Midnight. This does not mean “another minute closer to Santa’s visit,” or whatever the popular superstitions are these days. It means the world will come to an actual end, as far as we know. Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years. Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.” But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway. WE choose to believe in American Football Jesus, who will take us all to Heaven, which will be like CostCo but everything will be covered in molten gold, even the 78-packs of Doritos. And we will never have to pretend to try to exercise, and we can hate black people with impunity. It’s going to be glorious, this American White People Heaven.

BBC News reports:

The Doomsday Clock, a symbolic gauge of nuclear danger, has moved one minute closer to midnight because of “inadequate progress” on nuclear and climate issues. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS) announced the move – to five minutes before midnight – on Tuesday.

BAS said the failure of multiple nations to control the spread of nuclear weapons was a cause for worry. Global climate change was also an issue that needed to be addressed, according to Allison Macfarlane, a BAS Science and Security Board member.

“The global community may be near a point of no return in efforts to prevent catastrophe from changes in Earth’s atmosphere,” she said in a statement.

In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today in the assassination of an Iranian nuclear scientist. Just like in some shitty Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage movie, a bunch of ninja motorcycle riders surrounded this Iranian guy’s car, stuck a “magnetic bomb” on the side, and sped off. And the guy was killed. His driver was nearly killed, and might still die. Team America! [BBC News/The Guardian]

 
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{ 256 comments }

nounverb911 January 11, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Good, I'm already sick and tired of this election.

Come here a minute January 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when…

Data Exactly January 11, 2012 at 6:34 pm

We're always meeting again. Hopefully the end of planet Earth will stop this cycle of meeting again and again.

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Take up your China Doll, it's only fractured…

C_R_Eature January 11, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Where We'll meet: The War Room.

When We'll Meet: When Henry Kissinger jumps up out of his wheelchair yelling "Mein Fuhrer! I can Valk!"

WootInTarnation January 11, 2012 at 10:11 pm

As long as I get to play Slim Pickers, it's all good. And I want my survival kit at two minutes to midnight so I have enough time to use all the good stuff.

I'll offer generous terms to anyone who'd like to swap their morphine for my pep pills. I'll throw in the Combination Rooshun Phrase Book and BuyBull for free. Holla.

C_R_Eature January 11, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I see your Pep Pills and raise you this pack of USAF Prophylactics, Mil-Spec MIL-P-149D.

Limeylizzie January 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

In other news…was this a Wonkette?
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/01/11/c-span-call

Barb January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Obama's is bigger, I'm sure.

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Sounds like it wasn't Barb.

Callyson January 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

"Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?”
"I don't know–ask one of the Rickys."

ph7 January 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I have a dream that someday we'll judge our Presidential candidates not by the color of his Mormon people, but by the content of his Magic Underpants.

Limeylizzie January 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

You, my friend, are fantastique.

GOPCrusher January 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Sounds more like a Howard Stern stunt.

smokefillednewyear January 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

totally. Bababooey.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Last year at the United Nations, they held a little-reported world leader's "biggest penis" contest. Sarkozy stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 6-inch dick, and the band played "La Marseillaise" in his honor. Then Obama stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 10 inch dick, and the band played "The Star-Spangled Banner" in his honor. Finally, Prince Phillip stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 15-INCH dick and the band played "God Save the Queen" in his honor.

smokefillednewyear January 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

"I just wanted to make sure I heard him right. ('cause I was all ready to comment.)"

Chillwillard January 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Mitt is all dick with no balls.

smokefillednewyear January 11, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Are you sure he's even anatomically correct? I would think there's just a plastic flesh-colored space there.

Guppy January 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Who else would be the type of person who'd both watch C-SPAN and utter the word "penis" in public?

C_R_Eature January 11, 2012 at 8:33 pm

No, I don't buy it. These Penis Pranksters have been working this act for a while on the talk shows. One of them asked a politico – on the air, live – if he's ever had a Vulcan Mind Meld with Howard Stern's Penis.

Now, a Wonketteer would ask something far more creative I think:

"Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a cleverly designed simulacrum?"
"Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a lizard in a human suit?"
"Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney IS a big Penis?"

Kinda like that. But funnier.

fuflans January 11, 2012 at 9:43 pm

not in those pants.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 12:59 am

A man identifying himself as “Dan” called in on C-SPAN’s Republican line pose a question to Wayne MacDonald, Chairman of the New Hampshire Republican Party.

“I used to be an assistant to the Portsmouth city manager,” the man explained. “And part of my job would be to help prepare for the primaries. So, I know a little bit of what Chairman MacDonald is going through, a very little bit. I know you have a big job today, sir.”

“And my question as regards to how turnout will affect the eventual results and that is, Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?” he asked.

“Oh!” the startled C-SPAN host gasped. “I apologize to Chairman MacDonald for that comment. We’re trying to keep the conversation productive here this morning.”

MacDonald smiled and replied, “I wanted to make sure I heard him right.”

Ha!

gurukalehuru January 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Well…does he?

Limeylizzie January 12, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I seriously doubt it, but I suspect that Newt does, I know that is repulsive but I just have a hunch.

CapnFatback January 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Meanwhile, my Meatball Sub Clock's alarm has been going off for like fifteen minutes now.

DerrickWildcat January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I don't care if the world ends because I am going to heaven!

Jukesgrrl January 11, 2012 at 7:44 pm

How many times a day are you tebowing?

DerrickWildcat January 11, 2012 at 7:50 pm

No, Cat heaven!

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm

How do you achieve this blessed state?

I'm sure it would be much more fun than Human Heaven, warm, comfortable, sensuous, fragrant, and interspersed with periods of complete lunacy, loud shrieking, rushing about at high speed and attacking anything that moves.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Except you have to poop in a box in Cat heaven.

BigDumbRedDog January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

When the doomsday happens I am totally going cannibal. Just a warning.

MrFizzy January 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

You can start with Callista.

weejee January 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

That hair spray is pretty toxic stuff. Burns well though.

Jukesgrrl January 11, 2012 at 7:44 pm

No meat on those bones.

Geminisunmars January 11, 2012 at 8:46 pm

There you are, Jukesgrrl. I've been waiting to commiserate on your Steeler's loss, and the beyond crazy Denver jubilation. I will now have to convert to being a Jebus follower thanks to this event.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 1:02 am

You can't eat plastic, silly.

DaRooster January 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I thought you were going "cannonball"…
And I was like,"Hey, that would be fun… maybe into the Snake River."

ttommyunger January 11, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Great news for Marcus!

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Dogs are carnivores, after all.

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Some of us have already swapped descriptions of identifying scars, just in case we run into, you know, each other's body parts while on just such a spree.

BarackMyWorld January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Dr. Manhattan will save us.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

With his giant, blue penis.

Chet Kincaid January 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm

There's nothing like a Dr. Manhattan threesome.

BaldarTFlagass January 11, 2012 at 7:12 pm

He doesn't even need anyone else to do that, if I recall correctly.

BarackMyWorld January 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Doomsday clock or Doomsday cock?

Loaded_Pants January 11, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Stop it, you two, I'm getting excited about Doomsday!

schvitzatura January 12, 2012 at 3:54 am

Get me Big Mac, fries to go…

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

When is someone going to buy this symbolic clock a symbolic battery?

Data Exactly January 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm

The symbolic battery is all of the grief and anticipation about the world ending. Symbolic car-battery size, over here.

Blueb4sunrise January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

They moved the clock up because admin keeps shutting down comments.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

weejee January 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Only prosings.

GOPCrusher January 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

We can send this whole blog to Afghanistan. None will be lost.

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Anti Nukers are now 'terrorists' as are 'climate change' radicals.
.

Chichikovovich January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

This means we're going to get a bunch of really cool superheros now, right?

Guppy January 11, 2012 at 7:18 pm

No, just the usual nerd fantasy avatar variety of superhero.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm

How are things? Well I just found I'm facing what's basically a temporary layoff for the next couple weeks, while waiting for the next batch of documents to work on to come in. At least I've got a good amount of money saved up, and should be back to work before too long.

Chichikovovich January 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Sorry to hear that S.B. Best of luck in the coming weeks. Glad to know that you've prepared for it.

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Ah shit, sorry.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Luckily tonight's already a night I usually go out on – guess I'll aiming to get drunk instead of just having a few drinks instead.

DaRooster January 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Bot, sorry to hear that… I will taste a toast (or 10) in hopes of it all working out for you.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Lay in a supply of hobo beans, ramen, and cheap booze. Then persevere!

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Mmm ramen. And hey, I'll have more time for masturbation!

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Naturally, by "persevere" I meant "masturbate".

Loaded_Pants January 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Time to brush up on technique!

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:25 pm

There ya go! Always look on the bright side. You could perfect your stroke.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Two weeks to pad your league-leading p total!

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

And hey, I can comment in my underwear now!

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Underwear, hell, I comment in the nude.

bitchincamaro2 January 11, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Thought all dogs were nude.

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm

In *this* weather? Oh, right, fur coat.

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Your P is going to be so big.

**MissTaken blushes profusely**

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm

You, with your filthy mouth, blush? I find that hard to believe.

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:26 pm

So … I take it this means you don't work in the porn industry?

(Dammit!)

Callyson January 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Ouch, that sucks. Glad it's just temporary at least.

Crank_Tango January 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

well, on the bright side you will have two weeks to know what it is like to be mitt romney.
on the downside, you will have to get up pretty early to get that hair just right.

elviouslyqueer January 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Yikes, good luck 'Bot. May the interregnum be short.

Blueb4sunrise January 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Wait, you have a good amount of money saved up?

Me too, but with the latest turmoil in Burkina Faso, I need a small amount of cash to facilitate the transfer of those saved monies to a safer location.

UnholyMoses January 11, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Damn. That sucks. But, good to read you have some savings as a CYA (most folks don't … including myself) and another gig lined up.

So, fuck it — enjoy the time off! Drink a bit more, shower a bit less, and snark all day long.

And by "snark" I mean "masturbate," of course ….

Dashboard Buddha January 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Stay strong bro…I may be laid off soon myself…at which time I become an artist for the government.

Terry January 11, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I'm really sorry, Soros.

During the government shutdown in the 90's, I wiled away the hours writing to Republican members of Congress letting them (or their interns, I guess) know what I thought of them. Didn't do much good, but I did feel a lot better. Something to consider.

Geminisunmars January 11, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Just think how much worse things might have been (or might be) if you hadn't done that good work. I mean, I just checked, and the alternate universe would have had President Huckabee decreeing that all Acorn organizations be disbanded on this date.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 11:03 pm

I'm planning on spending my time taking the stupid, pointless CLE courses I need for the year, since I won't be working anyway I don't need to take off.

AutomaticPilot January 11, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Sorry to hear, SB. Hang in there.

C_R_Eature January 11, 2012 at 8:43 pm

That sucks. Best of luck and misuse your time off well!

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Well, shit, doesn't that just suck. Here's hoping it's short, sweet, and swiftly rewarded with further lucrative work. (Hugs the Bot)

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Thanks, and thanks everybody.

Dashboard_Jesus January 11, 2012 at 11:29 pm

just let us know if we need to take up a collection for booze $$$, plus I got a great recipe for turning H2O into wine (DRINK UP!)

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Silly Left Behinders! You forgot about Daylight Savings Time. It's already 55 minutes AFTER doomsday.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 4:58 pm

And hey, if it's five minutes to midnight on the East Coast then you on the West still have three hours and five minutes. Or maybe they're on Greenwich Mean Time?

Data Exactly January 11, 2012 at 6:45 pm

The nuclear bomb is supposed to blow up all of the literal and symbolic clocks to smithereens.

smashedinhat January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Job security that. Running a clock that doesn't do anything. Could be applied to so many things!

ph7 January 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I've applied for the Human Enlightenment Clock Keeper job. It's been running backwards for 30 years now, and clearly in need of repair.

CapnFatback January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I don't know what everyone is so worried about. I'd say that in addition to that five minutes, we still have at least twenty-five years. That Doomsday fella doesn't even own a digital clock yet.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I don't know about that; that Doomsday fella managed to kill Superman, for us humans he'll be a problem.

CapnFatback January 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

You just wanted to work in another R.E.M. reference in this puppy, dinja?

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Nope, that was actually accidental; I was referring to this Doomsday, who killed Superman (he got better).

CapnFatback January 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Oh, I was there when it happened, my friend. I stood in line in late 1992 for several copies of the black-bagged "Death of Superman" issues, which, by my and Govenor Brewer's calculations, should be worth about twenty grand apiece by now.

There, now you've gone and made me expose my comic geek past. (I got better too.)

SayItWithWookies January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

What the hell's the reason for all the panic? The clock says we've got five minutes — and if we don't do anything, the free market will fix it in four minutes. Now watch this drive…

Dashboard_Jesus January 11, 2012 at 11:38 pm

aaah it's nice to remember the classics from Shrub when the world is coming to an end…does anyone besides me wonder how this century might be going if Al Gore would've been POTUS for the first 8 years instead of thos evil fucks at Cheney/ Bush, Inc? I'm not sayin' Al was perfect or anything but I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have bankrupted the cuntry with illegal wars and banking whores and the entire rest of the planet wouldn't hate us…hell we'd probably have solar panels on fucking EVERYTHING, and JET PACKS! maybe just wishful thinking…sigh

MrFizzy January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

If it's doomsday I need to run and wash my hair.

elviouslyqueer January 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm
starfanglednut January 11, 2012 at 10:00 pm

And I feel fine.

coolhandnuke January 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

The remains of the day…who will fight it out for world domination, will be cockroaches, Dick Cheney, gonorrhea and Tim Tebow.

coolhandnuke January 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

And SPAM.

elviouslyqueer January 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

And Twinkies.

Dashboard Buddha January 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

cockroaches WITH gonorrhea for the win!

WhatTheHeck January 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

World domination will go to the Koch-roaches.

Radiotherapy January 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Where's my 72 virgins? And a box of Cialis? And two bathtubs in the middle of nowhere?
And while I'm at it, maybe we'll finally get our flying cars.

real_dc_native January 11, 2012 at 6:28 pm

There will be cars flying all right. Just before they vaporize or crash into smoething.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

I hope the world doesn't end before Tesus (or is it Jebow?) faces the Dark Side…
~

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I have a toaster that makes Doomsday toast…just like that image.

Loaded_Pants January 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

But do you have one that makes Jesus toast?

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

My comment won't be original, but I thought it was cute.

Grilled Cheesus?

Loaded_Pants January 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Mmm…grilled cheesus….

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 11:20 pm

I thought the Romans made Jesus toast.

smokefillednewyear January 11, 2012 at 11:15 pm

I have a Cuisinart toaster that makes Doomsday toast all the time. I'm about to throw it in the damn trash.

ManchuCandidate January 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Iran's Nuclear Program just entered the Danger Zone.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm

If an Iranian nuclear scientist takes 30 minutes to get ready to go to work in the morning, and a Mossad agent arriving at an Iranian nuclear scientist's house just as the lights go on in the house takes 6 minutes to install a bomb on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car, how many bombs can be installed on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car before the Iranian nuclear scientist walks out the front door of his house and almost makes it to his car before it explodes? And how soon will the shrapnel intersect the path of a train leaving Tehran at 6:30 AM traveling east at 60 kph?

nounverb911 January 11, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Nine Beaver Ridge, GA Elementary School teachers?

Come here a minute January 11, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Sorry, I was only taught how to solve slave-based word problems.

TeaNuts January 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

They said there would be no math.

OneYieldRegular January 11, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Uh, 56 oranges?

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Math/science win

smokefillednewyear January 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

♫♪ We are living in an Unnatural World
And I am an Unnatural Girl ♪♫

Data Exactly January 11, 2012 at 6:52 pm

You want to kill us all RIGHT NOW?!?!?

chascates January 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Finally! I'm ready for all of these people to be Raptured or whatever.

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I got this horrible thought just now, what if only the right side of the people gets Raptured? This is how my mind works.

chascates January 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I was looking forward to all of the prosthetic devices that will fall from the sky. And what about the clothes? I need size 9 shoes, preferably Muck boots.

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I do like the way you think. Maybe I should put my savings into large tubs that the unRaptured can hold up unto the sky to receive its Rapturous bounty???

iPad! Score!!!

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Anyone know any good recipes for cockroach?

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I saw one on the new FearFactor. I will look it up and get back to you.

Blueb4sunrise January 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Pro tip: Himalayan salt.

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Dammit, all this time I've been stocking up on fleur de sel

smashedinhat January 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Excellent. Roaches go with everything.

elviouslyqueer January 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

May I suggest something with fava beans and a nice Chianti?

YouBetcha January 11, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Tossed in garlic, sea salt & oilve oil, then roasted, and served on a bed of arugula.

smokefillednewyear January 12, 2012 at 2:41 am

Palmetto Niçoise.

KenLayIsAlive January 11, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I know some recipes. Wouldn't say any of them are "good" though.

WhatTheHeck January 11, 2012 at 6:46 pm

First you put the roach in a clip and then you smoke it… with some mesquite wood, that is.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 1:21 am

Just add bacon. Bacon saves! Through bacon, all things are possible.

Steverino247 January 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Bad timing for the former Marine sentenced to death by Iran, that blowing up one of their nuke experts.

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 9:58 pm

ouch

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I'm preparing; got my collection of bottlecaps going strong so I'll be able to buy things, I've got a nice new laser rifle and lots microfusion cells and have really managed to put a lot of points into energy weapons.

HistoriCat January 11, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Is that a Gamma World reference?

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 10:39 pm

No, Fallout 3; but that heavily influenced by Gamma World.

Nesnora January 12, 2012 at 10:20 am

The real decision will be… Tenpenny-Tower or Megaton?

I put all my points into speech, I'm fucked…

Chillwillard January 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

"Just like in some shitty Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage movie"

Is there any other kind?

Chichikovovich January 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Well, there is the kind with both of them, for which "shitty" is a hundred times too mild an adjective.

Chillwillard January 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Or even worse, just imagine a movie with Cruise, Cage and Travolta. ("Face Off 2"?).

Loaded_Pants January 11, 2012 at 7:43 pm

How about "Legend 2" with Cage replacing Tim Curry as "Darkness" and Travolta playing "Oona" (the coked-up fairy)? Yeah, that would suck.

I'd still watch it, at least once.

littlebigdaddy January 11, 2012 at 5:48 pm

End of the world is one thing. Being forced to watch a Nicholas Cage movie another.

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 5:15 pm

WOAH, my Wonkette did that funky avatar thingamajig. It must be Doomsday!

bitchincamaro2 January 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Luckily pro soccer referees are able add time at will. We'll be fine. Carry on.

Chichikovovich January 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

True. If those poindexters had any sense of public relations they would have announced that we're in "stoppage time".

WhatTheHeck January 11, 2012 at 5:18 pm

One atomic clock story can ruin your whole day.

Chichikovovich January 11, 2012 at 5:21 pm

"In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today"

If you're going to jump to this conclusion you evidently haven't known very many physics departments. My guess is that he was driving home from having given one of his colleagues the assignment to teach intro statistical physics for the second year in a row.

AlterNewt January 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I had no idea.

meatlofer January 11, 2012 at 5:22 pm

A magnetic bomb? I didn't think there was any metal left in these new vehicles.Hmmmm who knew?

EatsBabyDingos January 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

And now, in honor of Doomsday, here's our very own GIR! "Now I'm going to sing the Doom Song! Doom, doom, doomdie doom doom doom!"

WinterOuthouse January 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Does it have a snooze button? Any really good kind of clock has a snooze button. Was this clock made by the Swiss? Everybody knows the Swiss make really good clocks and cheese.

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm

This reminds me of the time Aunt Rebecka brought her special garlic cheese balls to the Church Potluck.

CapnFatback January 11, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Oh my, yes. And have you seen what their army has accomplished in the field of cutlery?

Data Exactly January 11, 2012 at 7:01 pm

It's called 'Iran not responding.'

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm

It's really no biggie, my Doomsday clock has been flashing 12:00 nonstop for years and nothing's come of it.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I'd be honored to look for the button to push to make it stop flashing.

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Do they have a Quakesday clock too?

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I see what you did there.

V572 the Merciless January 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Uh, Atomic Scientists — aren't you the last people on earth to be chiding others about insufficient vigor in the negotiations to put you out of business?

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Word.

poorgradstudent January 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Oh, America and Israel…I've heard of inexplicable, one-sided, borderline abusive relationships destroying individual lives, but not the world!

Fare la Volpe January 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Thank goodness I'm a mild-mannered, bespectacled bank teller who spends his lunches reading in the vault. When the world ends I'll have so much time to devote to my reading! It's foolproof!

Rotundo_ January 11, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Wasn't Burgess fantastic in that one? One of my favorites, along with the omnipotent Billy Mumy screwing with the folks.

real_dc_native January 11, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Get yourself one of those strap thingies that keep your glasses from falling off and maybe get a spare pair and keep them in your desk drawer at work.

Bluestatelibel January 11, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Time to invest in Lasix eye correction I think.

ttommyunger January 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Herman Cain has a Doomsday Cock, too. He says five minutes on that puppy and you'll be speaking in tongues and seeing the Face of God…What? CLOCK? Oh. Never mind.

Swampgas_Man January 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The hell does Spongebob have to do w/ nucular war?

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I saw "Kool Aid Man Frowning"… google it.

UnholyMoses January 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

And all this time I thought it was Two Minutes to Midnight. Not five.

Stupid watch batteries.

Oh, and:

Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years.

About five billion, to be a tad more accurate (give or a take an eon or several). That's when the sun starts to run out of fuel, turning into a red supergiant and swallowing the inner planets like the GOP swallows the jobs, hopes and dreams of American families.

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I think there is an upside to the Earth lasting longer than we who destroyed it. It can act as a marker to the stupidity of the folks that canceled her.

If only we could start chiseling the huge letters that spell out, "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 10:24 pm

They did this in South America a thousand years ago, so we certainly can.
Texas would be perfect.

Fare la Volpe January 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Anyone know a good seasoning recipe for zombie flesh? Ideally something without the fallouty after taste.

bitchincamaro2 January 11, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Shake 'n' Bake

DaRooster January 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm

So it is probably good that I am currently occupying my Chase held home and saving up for life in the hills…
"Honey, order them Non-GMO seeds!"

DaRooster January 11, 2012 at 5:51 pm

It will surely be nice in Heaven… just think… NO GOPeople.

Dashboard Buddha January 11, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Unless of course Jerry Falwell is a regional manager up there. In which case I wonder if I could use expedia to book my room in hell now?

DaRooster January 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

That guy is nowhere near Heaven.

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 10:41 pm

We're closer to it now; didn't you hear? Oooh, heaven is a place on Earth.

YouBetcha January 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

You know who else foretold of Doomsday with a clock?

AlterNewt January 11, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Voltaire?

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm
AlterNewt January 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm

God Dammit. I just paid my car insurance a year in advance.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I know, right? I need to start charging more on my credit card.

Naked_Bunny January 12, 2012 at 11:47 am

Even worse: Your policy probably doesn't cover the end of the world.

AlterNewt January 12, 2012 at 5:52 pm

God Dammit!

barto January 11, 2012 at 6:04 pm

OK here's the solution: nukular winter! Just thinking out loud, people…

snoopyfan2010 January 11, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Christ! And they say God is on our side.

Negligently_Joe January 11, 2012 at 6:17 pm

But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway

Ken, none of us are actually fooled by this whole "Wonkete, Jr" shtick, anymore. Just saying.

arcadesproject January 11, 2012 at 6:26 pm

These guys have been watching way too many violent spy type movies. Gotta sentence them to a year of musical comedies. Dawn 'til dusk, man.

user-of-owls January 11, 2012 at 6:26 pm

America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today

Well somebody had to. You think the clock moves all by itself or something? Geez, kids today.

KenLayIsAlive January 11, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I wonder if the "Iranian Scientist / Random Iranian Guy" ratio higher or lower than the "Terrorist Training Camp / Afghan Wedding" ratio.

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm

rational win

rocktonsam January 11, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Will there be weather in the 8's?

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 7:39 pm

There will never be 8's. Never.

rocktonsam January 11, 2012 at 8:42 pm

on on on

Rotundo_ January 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

"America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today" Since it worked, I would go with Mossad. Our guys would have blown themselves up leaving only their bodies from the ass down on the bikes with american passports in the back pockets and the "Nukuler" scientist would have pissed his pants laughing at them.

starfanglednut January 11, 2012 at 10:07 pm

That was my first thought too! It had to be Mossad. Besides, too subtle for Americans. we'd just invade.

real_dc_native January 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I think they're missing something. Curtis Lemay passed on back in 1990. That alone should have set the clock back a good fifteen minutes.

KenLayIsAlive January 11, 2012 at 7:13 pm

He was an evil motherfucker, wasn't he.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Bombs Away With Curtis Lemay!

mavenmaven January 11, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Don't forget the possible involvement of the Kurds! Whey to go Kurds! Operation Little Miss Snuffit!

Radiotherapy January 11, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Are we liveblogging doomsday?

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Is there enough alcohol left in the world for that?

KenLayIsAlive January 11, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Just on NPR: "US-Iran relations have been steadily declining, and Iran's threat to close the straight of Hormuz isn't helping."

LOL NPR. I'm certain our murdering their citizens is totally seen as to them as a friendly gesture. Just like sending a fruit basket or a bouquet of flowers or something.

Hillary of course has vehemently denied that the US was involved. So that's that, unless you believe in that old saying: "If you want confirmation, just wait for the official denial."

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 1:32 am

Honestly, this has all the markings of Mossad. We may be providing intelligence, though, I doubt even that. We're far to messy to have pulled of these bombings. When we do shit, our fingerprints are over everything.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 7:20 pm

He was about 16, plus or minus, so he had a good long life. The last year or so, he was in poor shape, though.

Thanks for the good thoughts. We really do bond with them, don't we?

C_R_Eature January 11, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I'd rather hang with the Pack, than with people. Of course, that's not exactly Hot News.

BTW, 16 yrs. is excellent and dogs themselves don't care about Time.

BaldarTFlagass January 11, 2012 at 7:26 pm

What, we assassinated an Iranian nuclear scientist/terrorist? I guess the right wingers will be giving all the credit to George Bush, right?

Guppy January 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Imagine if Mossad didn't actually exist, and all these clandestine attacks in Islamic Middle East states were actually done by each other?

The Saudis and the Iranians need the Israelis, or they'd have nuked each other ages ago.

not that Dewey January 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Hey Guppy — slightly OT, but today is a Doomsday, according to the Doomsday Algorithm for perpetual calendars!

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 11:29 pm

I never knew Al Gore has rhythm.

not that Dewey January 11, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Who could ask for anything more?

MosesInvests January 11, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Do any of the people who think that Israel is the cause of all conflict in the Middle East really believe that Muslims and Christians, Sunnis and Shiites, Arabs, Iranians and Kurds would all sit down together and sing "Kumbaya", if only those pesky Joos weren't there?

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Just thinking out loud here, not trying to start a war or anything, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the obvious possibility that Iranians themselves did the assassination thingy?

PapistRadical January 11, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Well that would be an exciting thriller twist, but considering several Iranian scientists have died in explosions several times in the last three years, the Iranians would have to be very special in the head to be killing of useful educated people off instead of having them continue work on the nuclear project their so intent on, without even pretending to believe them guilty of disloyalty or heresy, like even the flakiest top Stalinist dictator or Arab monarch would do. It seems rather very counter-intuitive to me, but elaborate what you have in mind.

Sharkey January 11, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Cruise, Clooney, and Jolie. Bam.

Jukesgrrl January 11, 2012 at 7:50 pm

If Mossad did this, do you think they'll get the citation that Congress withheld from Seal Team 6?

not that Dewey January 11, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Even an entirely symbolic, meaningless clock is right twice a day.

BZ1 January 11, 2012 at 8:00 pm

where's Tim Teebow when you need him? DId I just say that, I thought I was just thinking out loud …

sunmusing January 12, 2012 at 12:50 am

I hope he is preparing for the game on Sat.

Warpde January 11, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Gwendolen Beck must be creaming his panties.

ElPinche January 11, 2012 at 8:37 pm

That just means another season of fucking American Idol .

user-of-owls January 11, 2012 at 9:05 pm

If there weren't ways to avoid (mostly) the filthy black liquid that collects at the bottom of the dumpster, behind a pork butcher, in the middle of summer, in Calcutta that is that odious cluster of K-based Armenians, well I would be knocking down Atomic Scientists to get to the clock so I could ram it straight to midnight.

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 10:12 pm

The sick-and-tired feeling, or the election?

fuflans January 11, 2012 at 10:21 pm

man i remember – back in the day – dating a neocon (don't ask) who was working at the bulletin (don't ask). i used to go to this funky ass hyde park house on 57th? 58th? street and wait for the boy to get off work. as with most of my quality time in hyde park, i was usually listening to punk rock.

good times.

sati_demise January 11, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Choose between: instant death or indefinite detention w/ torture.

cheaphits January 11, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Well, at least the USA had absolutely nothing to do with it –

"National Security Council spokesman Tommy Vietor said the US "had absolutely nothing to do" with the attack."

It was probably just random street crime, don't ya think?

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 12:53 am

Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.”

This is good news for Vermine Supreme.

LiveToServeYa January 12, 2012 at 5:28 am

Meh. We've been worse.

Smithboy January 12, 2012 at 6:42 am

With the constant drip of propaganda against Iran (As was the case in the lead up to Iraq war, no contrary opinions are allowed) there is little or no sympathy for the scientist murdered by a terrorist.

What you won't hear is that Iran should be running out of oil within the next forty years. Their hope is to replace oil burning power plants with nuclear power. Of course, they didn't ask Israel or the US…Pretty please…and so now they must suffer the fate of Iraq.

USA the half-witted puppet of a shitty little country like Israel. That is depressing.

Negropolis January 12, 2012 at 7:11 am

I believe almost nothing our government tells us about Iran, but I think it's propoganda, itself, to pretend that Iran is enriching uranium purely for civilian use. That's just plain bullshit. They are as much enriching it for an arsenal as they are for energy, and I totally get why they want an arsenal, and it's not for offensive purposes. They see how the West treats nations with The Bomb. They know that as soon as they get it, we'll be as (faux) chummy with them as we are with Pakistan, a nation that hates our fucking guts more than just about any nation in the world. They want The Bomb for defense and diplomatic purposes since we've been threatening either war or isolation against them since before I was born.

It is just as much propoganda to try and say that this is only about civilian energy use as it is to say that this program is about aquiring a bomb solely to threaten its neighbors.

outragedcitizen January 12, 2012 at 8:02 am

Dear Jebus, please Rapture, (rupture), the teabag assholes so the rest of us can get this shit cleaned up down here. Thank you…

Nesnora January 12, 2012 at 10:34 am

What does it say about our species that one of our universal fantasies is wanting to be there for doomsday, whether it's brought about by natural, man-made or mythical destruction… that the thought that we are less then a flyspeck of shit on the radar of eternity is, like, totally a bummer or something… that we need to be there personally, huddled together in the restaurant at the end of the universe or it's not even worth getting up in the morning…

The vanity of this is fucking hilarious.

*takes a bong rip*

Naked_Bunny January 12, 2012 at 11:46 am

I'm pretty sure that a nuke's EMP would stop Cheney's heart, so he's got one vulnerability that we living humans do not.

Wonderthing January 12, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Doomsday Clock Accidentally Moved Ahead Two Minutes PAST Midnight: Everyone Wakes Up Dead

"Oops, Says Slightly Hungover Scientist"

jus_wonderin January 11, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Only the street dogs. I remove my collar when I skitter on the Wonkette hardwoods.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm

What about when you scoot across the Wonkette carpet?

PS I might have commented on this long ago, but my recently departed dog was just like your avatar. I miss 'im!

MissTaken January 11, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I've only just gotten used to how big your P currently is.

BigDumbRedDog January 11, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I always clean my butt on the huffpo carpet before I come to the wonkette.

emmelemm January 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Good dog! ;)

SorosBot January 11, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Well you deserve to have as much P-ness as me and Barb.

BigDumbRedDog January 11, 2012 at 11:17 pm

And you have to clean yourself with your own tongue. Cats are gross.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 1:25 am

Long's somebody else has to clean it up, I haz no problumz.

flamingpdog January 11, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Barb has P-ness? I'm bisexual and I didn't even know it.

PalinzADummy January 12, 2012 at 1:26 am

Hey, dawg, you watch yourself there.

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