2012 will be like 2012

Doomsday Clock 5 Minutes ‘Til Midnight; Iranian Assassinated

Toast!How are things? Bad? Oh. Well, there’s always “Angry Birds” or whatever. Oxycontin. And the fancy scientist people have moved the “symbolic” Doomsday Clock another minute closer to Midnight. This does not mean “another minute closer to Santa’s visit,” or whatever the popular superstitions are these days. It means the world will come to an actual end, as far as we know. Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years. Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.” But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway. WE choose to believe in American Football Jesus, who will take us all to Heaven, which will be like CostCo but everything will be covered in molten gold, even the 78-packs of Doritos. And we will never have to pretend to try to exercise, and we can hate black people with impunity. It’s going to be glorious, this American White People Heaven.

BBC News reports:

The Doomsday Clock, a symbolic gauge of nuclear danger, has moved one minute closer to midnight because of “inadequate progress” on nuclear and climate issues. The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists (BAS) announced the move – to five minutes before midnight – on Tuesday.

BAS said the failure of multiple nations to control the spread of nuclear weapons was a cause for worry. Global climate change was also an issue that needed to be addressed, according to Allison Macfarlane, a BAS Science and Security Board member.

“The global community may be near a point of no return in efforts to prevent catastrophe from changes in Earth’s atmosphere,” she said in a statement.

In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today in the assassination of an Iranian nuclear scientist. Just like in some shitty Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage movie, a bunch of ninja motorcycle riders surrounded this Iranian guy’s car, stuck a “magnetic bomb” on the side, and sped off. And the guy was killed. His driver was nearly killed, and might still die. Team America! [BBC News/The Guardian]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. Data Exactly

      We're always meeting again. Hopefully the end of planet Earth will stop this cycle of meeting again and again.

    2. C_R_Eature

      Where We'll meet: The War Room.

      When We'll Meet: When Henry Kissinger jumps up out of his wheelchair yelling "Mein Fuhrer! I can Valk!"

    3. WootInTarnation

      As long as I get to play Slim Pickers, it's all good. And I want my survival kit at two minutes to midnight so I have enough time to use all the good stuff.

      I'll offer generous terms to anyone who'd like to swap their morphine for my pep pills. I'll throw in the Combination Rooshun Phrase Book and BuyBull for free. Holla.

    1. Callyson

      "Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?”
      "I don't know–ask one of the Rickys."

    2. ph7

      I have a dream that someday we'll judge our Presidential candidates not by the color of his Mormon people, but by the content of his Magic Underpants.

    3. flamingpdog

      Last year at the United Nations, they held a little-reported world leader's "biggest penis" contest. Sarkozy stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 6-inch dick, and the band played "La Marseillaise" in his honor. Then Obama stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 10 inch dick, and the band played "The Star-Spangled Banner" in his honor. Finally, Prince Phillip stepped up on the dais, whipped out a 15-INCH dick and the band played "God Save the Queen" in his honor.

    4. C_R_Eature

      No, I don't buy it. These Penis Pranksters have been working this act for a while on the talk shows. One of them asked a politico – on the air, live – if he's ever had a Vulcan Mind Meld with Howard Stern's Penis.

      Now, a Wonketteer would ask something far more creative I think:

      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a cleverly designed simulacrum?"
      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney is a lizard in a human suit?"
      "Mr Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney IS a big Penis?"

      Kinda like that. But funnier.

    5. Negropolis

      A man identifying himself as “Dan” called in on C-SPAN’s Republican line pose a question to Wayne MacDonald, Chairman of the New Hampshire Republican Party.

      “I used to be an assistant to the Portsmouth city manager,” the man explained. “And part of my job would be to help prepare for the primaries. So, I know a little bit of what Chairman MacDonald is going through, a very little bit. I know you have a big job today, sir.”

      “And my question as regards to how turnout will affect the eventual results and that is, Mr. Chairman, do you believe that Mitt Romney has a big penis?” he asked.

      “Oh!” the startled C-SPAN host gasped. “I apologize to Chairman MacDonald for that comment. We’re trying to keep the conversation productive here this morning.”

      MacDonald smiled and replied, “I wanted to make sure I heard him right.”


      1. Limeylizzie

        I seriously doubt it, but I suspect that Newt does, I know that is repulsive but I just have a hunch.

        1. PalinzADummy

          How do you achieve this blessed state?

          I'm sure it would be much more fun than Human Heaven, warm, comfortable, sensuous, fragrant, and interspersed with periods of complete lunacy, loud shrieking, rushing about at high speed and attacking anything that moves.

        1. Geminisunmars

          There you are, Jukesgrrl. I've been waiting to commiserate on your Steeler's loss, and the beyond crazy Denver jubilation. I will now have to convert to being a Jebus follower thanks to this event.

    1. DaRooster

      I thought you were going "cannonball"…
      And I was like,"Hey, that would be fun… maybe into the Snake River."

    1. Data Exactly

      The symbolic battery is all of the grief and anticipation about the world ending. Symbolic car-battery size, over here.

  1. SorosBot

    How are things? Well I just found I'm facing what's basically a temporary layoff for the next couple weeks, while waiting for the next batch of documents to work on to come in. At least I've got a good amount of money saved up, and should be back to work before too long.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Sorry to hear that S.B. Best of luck in the coming weeks. Glad to know that you've prepared for it.

      1. SorosBot

        Luckily tonight's already a night I usually go out on – guess I'll aiming to get drunk instead of just having a few drinks instead.

          1. emmelemm

            What about when you scoot across the Wonkette carpet?

            PS I might have commented on this long ago, but my recently departed dog was just like your avatar. I miss 'im!

    2. Crank_Tango

      well, on the bright side you will have two weeks to know what it is like to be mitt romney.
      on the downside, you will have to get up pretty early to get that hair just right.

    3. Blueb4sunrise

      Wait, you have a good amount of money saved up?

      Me too, but with the latest turmoil in Burkina Faso, I need a small amount of cash to facilitate the transfer of those saved monies to a safer location.

    4. UnholyMoses

      Damn. That sucks. But, good to read you have some savings as a CYA (most folks don't … including myself) and another gig lined up.

      So, fuck it — enjoy the time off! Drink a bit more, shower a bit less, and snark all day long.

      And by "snark" I mean "masturbate," of course ….

    5. Dashboard Buddha

      Stay strong bro…I may be laid off soon myself…at which time I become an artist for the government.

    6. Terry

      I'm really sorry, Soros.

      During the government shutdown in the 90's, I wiled away the hours writing to Republican members of Congress letting them (or their interns, I guess) know what I thought of them. Didn't do much good, but I did feel a lot better. Something to consider.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Just think how much worse things might have been (or might be) if you hadn't done that good work. I mean, I just checked, and the alternate universe would have had President Huckabee decreeing that all Acorn organizations be disbanded on this date.

      2. SorosBot

        I'm planning on spending my time taking the stupid, pointless CLE courses I need for the year, since I won't be working anyway I don't need to take off.

    7. Dashboard_Jesus

      just let us know if we need to take up a collection for booze $$$, plus I got a great recipe for turning H2O into wine (DRINK UP!)

  2. MissTaken

    Silly Left Behinders! You forgot about Daylight Savings Time. It's already 55 minutes AFTER doomsday.

    1. SorosBot

      And hey, if it's five minutes to midnight on the East Coast then you on the West still have three hours and five minutes. Or maybe they're on Greenwich Mean Time?

    2. Data Exactly

      The nuclear bomb is supposed to blow up all of the literal and symbolic clocks to smithereens.

  3. smashedinhat

    Job security that. Running a clock that doesn't do anything. Could be applied to so many things!

    1. ph7

      I've applied for the Human Enlightenment Clock Keeper job. It's been running backwards for 30 years now, and clearly in need of repair.

  4. CapnFatback

    I don't know what everyone is so worried about. I'd say that in addition to that five minutes, we still have at least twenty-five years. That Doomsday fella doesn't even own a digital clock yet.

    1. SorosBot

      I don't know about that; that Doomsday fella managed to kill Superman, for us humans he'll be a problem.

          1. CapnFatback

            Oh, I was there when it happened, my friend. I stood in line in late 1992 for several copies of the black-bagged "Death of Superman" issues, which, by my and Govenor Brewer's calculations, should be worth about twenty grand apiece by now.

            There, now you've gone and made me expose my comic geek past. (I got better too.)

  5. SayItWithWookies

    What the hell's the reason for all the panic? The clock says we've got five minutes — and if we don't do anything, the free market will fix it in four minutes. Now watch this drive…

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      aaah it's nice to remember the classics from Shrub when the world is coming to an end…does anyone besides me wonder how this century might be going if Al Gore would've been POTUS for the first 8 years instead of thos evil fucks at Cheney/ Bush, Inc? I'm not sayin' Al was perfect or anything but I'm pretty damn sure he wouldn't have bankrupted the cuntry with illegal wars and banking whores and the entire rest of the planet wouldn't hate us…hell we'd probably have solar panels on fucking EVERYTHING, and JET PACKS! maybe just wishful thinking…sigh

  6. coolhandnuke

    The remains of the day…who will fight it out for world domination, will be cockroaches, Dick Cheney, gonorrhea and Tim Tebow.

  7. Radiotherapy

    Where's my 72 virgins? And a box of Cialis? And two bathtubs in the middle of nowhere?
    And while I'm at it, maybe we'll finally get our flying cars.

  8. flamingpdog

    If an Iranian nuclear scientist takes 30 minutes to get ready to go to work in the morning, and a Mossad agent arriving at an Iranian nuclear scientist's house just as the lights go on in the house takes 6 minutes to install a bomb on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car, how many bombs can be installed on an Iranian nuclear scientist's car before the Iranian nuclear scientist walks out the front door of his house and almost makes it to his car before it explodes? And how soon will the shrapnel intersect the path of a train leaving Tehran at 6:30 AM traveling east at 60 kph?

    1. jus_wonderin

      I got this horrible thought just now, what if only the right side of the people gets Raptured? This is how my mind works.

      1. chascates

        I was looking forward to all of the prosthetic devices that will fall from the sky. And what about the clothes? I need size 9 shoes, preferably Muck boots.

        1. jus_wonderin

          I do like the way you think. Maybe I should put my savings into large tubs that the unRaptured can hold up unto the sky to receive its Rapturous bounty???

          iPad! Score!!!

  9. Steverino247

    Bad timing for the former Marine sentenced to death by Iran, that blowing up one of their nuke experts.

  10. SorosBot

    I'm preparing; got my collection of bottlecaps going strong so I'll be able to buy things, I've got a nice new laser rifle and lots microfusion cells and have really managed to put a lot of points into energy weapons.

    1. Nesnora

      The real decision will be… Tenpenny-Tower or Megaton?

      I put all my points into speech, I'm fucked…

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well, there is the kind with both of them, for which "shitty" is a hundred times too mild an adjective.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          How about "Legend 2" with Cage replacing Tim Curry as "Darkness" and Travolta playing "Oona" (the coked-up fairy)? Yeah, that would suck.

          I'd still watch it, at least once.

    1. Chichikovovich

      True. If those poindexters had any sense of public relations they would have announced that we're in "stoppage time".

  11. Chichikovovich

    "In other Doomsday news, either America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today"

    If you're going to jump to this conclusion you evidently haven't known very many physics departments. My guess is that he was driving home from having given one of his colleagues the assignment to teach intro statistical physics for the second year in a row.

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    And now, in honor of Doomsday, here's our very own GIR! "Now I'm going to sing the Doom Song! Doom, doom, doomdie doom doom doom!"

  13. WinterOuthouse

    Does it have a snooze button? Any really good kind of clock has a snooze button. Was this clock made by the Swiss? Everybody knows the Swiss make really good clocks and cheese.

    1. jus_wonderin

      This reminds me of the time Aunt Rebecka brought her special garlic cheese balls to the Church Potluck.

  14. MissTaken

    It's really no biggie, my Doomsday clock has been flashing 12:00 nonstop for years and nothing's come of it.

  15. V572 the Merciless

    Uh, Atomic Scientists — aren't you the last people on earth to be chiding others about insufficient vigor in the negotiations to put you out of business?

  16. poorgradstudent

    Oh, America and Israel…I've heard of inexplicable, one-sided, borderline abusive relationships destroying individual lives, but not the world!

  17. Fare la Volpe

    Thank goodness I'm a mild-mannered, bespectacled bank teller who spends his lunches reading in the vault. When the world ends I'll have so much time to devote to my reading! It's foolproof!

    1. Rotundo_

      Wasn't Burgess fantastic in that one? One of my favorites, along with the omnipotent Billy Mumy screwing with the folks.

    2. real_dc_native

      Get yourself one of those strap thingies that keep your glasses from falling off and maybe get a spare pair and keep them in your desk drawer at work.

  18. ttommyunger

    Herman Cain has a Doomsday Cock, too. He says five minutes on that puppy and you'll be speaking in tongues and seeing the Face of God…What? CLOCK? Oh. Never mind.

  19. UnholyMoses

    And all this time I thought it was Two Minutes to Midnight. Not five.

    Stupid watch batteries.

    Oh, and:

    Of course the world will still be here, probably for billions of years.

    About five billion, to be a tad more accurate (give or a take an eon or several). That's when the sun starts to run out of fuel, turning into a red supergiant and swallowing the inner planets like the GOP swallows the jobs, hopes and dreams of American families.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I think there is an upside to the Earth lasting longer than we who destroyed it. It can act as a marker to the stupidity of the folks that canceled her.

      If only we could start chiseling the huge letters that spell out, "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

  20. Fare la Volpe

    Anyone know a good seasoning recipe for zombie flesh? Ideally something without the fallouty after taste.

  21. DaRooster

    So it is probably good that I am currently occupying my Chase held home and saving up for life in the hills…
    "Honey, order them Non-GMO seeds!"

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Unless of course Jerry Falwell is a regional manager up there. In which case I wonder if I could use expedia to book my room in hell now?

  22. Negligently_Joe

    But the humans will all die, miserably. This is according to Science, anyway

    Ken, none of us are actually fooled by this whole "Wonkete, Jr" shtick, anymore. Just saying.

  23. arcadesproject

    These guys have been watching way too many violent spy type movies. Gotta sentence them to a year of musical comedies. Dawn 'til dusk, man.

  24. user-of-owls

    America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today

    Well somebody had to. You think the clock moves all by itself or something? Geez, kids today.

  25. Rotundo_

    "America or Israel or both (the U.K.?) committed state-sponsored terrorism today" Since it worked, I would go with Mossad. Our guys would have blown themselves up leaving only their bodies from the ass down on the bikes with american passports in the back pockets and the "Nukuler" scientist would have pissed his pants laughing at them.

  26. real_dc_native

    I think they're missing something. Curtis Lemay passed on back in 1990. That alone should have set the clock back a good fifteen minutes.

  27. mavenmaven

    Don't forget the possible involvement of the Kurds! Whey to go Kurds! Operation Little Miss Snuffit!

  28. KenLayIsAlive

    Just on NPR: "US-Iran relations have been steadily declining, and Iran's threat to close the straight of Hormuz isn't helping."

    LOL NPR. I'm certain our murdering their citizens is totally seen as to them as a friendly gesture. Just like sending a fruit basket or a bouquet of flowers or something.

    Hillary of course has vehemently denied that the US was involved. So that's that, unless you believe in that old saying: "If you want confirmation, just wait for the official denial."

    1. Negropolis

      Honestly, this has all the markings of Mossad. We may be providing intelligence, though, I doubt even that. We're far to messy to have pulled of these bombings. When we do shit, our fingerprints are over everything.

  29. emmelemm

    He was about 16, plus or minus, so he had a good long life. The last year or so, he was in poor shape, though.

    Thanks for the good thoughts. We really do bond with them, don't we?

    1. C_R_Eature

      I'd rather hang with the Pack, than with people. Of course, that's not exactly Hot News.

      BTW, 16 yrs. is excellent and dogs themselves don't care about Time.

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    What, we assassinated an Iranian nuclear scientist/terrorist? I guess the right wingers will be giving all the credit to George Bush, right?

  31. Guppy

    Imagine if Mossad didn't actually exist, and all these clandestine attacks in Islamic Middle East states were actually done by each other?

    The Saudis and the Iranians need the Israelis, or they'd have nuked each other ages ago.

    1. MosesInvests

      Do any of the people who think that Israel is the cause of all conflict in the Middle East really believe that Muslims and Christians, Sunnis and Shiites, Arabs, Iranians and Kurds would all sit down together and sing "Kumbaya", if only those pesky Joos weren't there?

  32. Sharkey

    Just thinking out loud here, not trying to start a war or anything, but I don't think anyone has mentioned the obvious possibility that Iranians themselves did the assassination thingy?

    1. PapistRadical

      Well that would be an exciting thriller twist, but considering several Iranian scientists have died in explosions several times in the last three years, the Iranians would have to be very special in the head to be killing of useful educated people off instead of having them continue work on the nuclear project their so intent on, without even pretending to believe them guilty of disloyalty or heresy, like even the flakiest top Stalinist dictator or Arab monarch would do. It seems rather very counter-intuitive to me, but elaborate what you have in mind.

    1. user-of-owls

      If there weren't ways to avoid (mostly) the filthy black liquid that collects at the bottom of the dumpster, behind a pork butcher, in the middle of summer, in Calcutta that is that odious cluster of K-based Armenians, well I would be knocking down Atomic Scientists to get to the clock so I could ram it straight to midnight.

  33. fuflans

    man i remember – back in the day – dating a neocon (don't ask) who was working at the bulletin (don't ask). i used to go to this funky ass hyde park house on 57th? 58th? street and wait for the boy to get off work. as with most of my quality time in hyde park, i was usually listening to punk rock.

    good times.

  34. cheaphits

    Well, at least the USA had absolutely nothing to do with it –

    "National Security Council spokesman Tommy Vietor said the US "had absolutely nothing to do" with the attack."

    It was probably just random street crime, don't ya think?

  35. Negropolis

    Plants and animals and vermin may survive in various ways, too, such as popular nuclear holocaust survival tropes “the cockroach” and “the rat” and “Dick Cheney.”

    This is good news for Vermine Supreme.

  36. Smithboy

    With the constant drip of propaganda against Iran (As was the case in the lead up to Iraq war, no contrary opinions are allowed) there is little or no sympathy for the scientist murdered by a terrorist.

    What you won't hear is that Iran should be running out of oil within the next forty years. Their hope is to replace oil burning power plants with nuclear power. Of course, they didn't ask Israel or the US…Pretty please…and so now they must suffer the fate of Iraq.

    USA the half-witted puppet of a shitty little country like Israel. That is depressing.

    1. Negropolis

      I believe almost nothing our government tells us about Iran, but I think it's propoganda, itself, to pretend that Iran is enriching uranium purely for civilian use. That's just plain bullshit. They are as much enriching it for an arsenal as they are for energy, and I totally get why they want an arsenal, and it's not for offensive purposes. They see how the West treats nations with The Bomb. They know that as soon as they get it, we'll be as (faux) chummy with them as we are with Pakistan, a nation that hates our fucking guts more than just about any nation in the world. They want The Bomb for defense and diplomatic purposes since we've been threatening either war or isolation against them since before I was born.

      It is just as much propoganda to try and say that this is only about civilian energy use as it is to say that this program is about aquiring a bomb solely to threaten its neighbors.

  37. Nesnora

    What does it say about our species that one of our universal fantasies is wanting to be there for doomsday, whether it's brought about by natural, man-made or mythical destruction… that the thought that we are less then a flyspeck of shit on the radar of eternity is, like, totally a bummer or something… that we need to be there personally, huddled together in the restaurant at the end of the universe or it's not even worth getting up in the morning…

    The vanity of this is fucking hilarious.

    *takes a bong rip*

  38. Naked_Bunny

    I'm pretty sure that a nuke's EMP would stop Cheney's heart, so he's got one vulnerability that we living humans do not.

  39. Wonderthing

    Doomsday Clock Accidentally Moved Ahead Two Minutes PAST Midnight: Everyone Wakes Up Dead

    "Oops, Says Slightly Hungover Scientist"

Comments are closed.