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New Hampshire state animal is a deer, is why.

NO we have not yet entered the 2012 general election phase of America’s ongoing destruction, but YES, it is time for a Wonkette drinking game, because how else was anyone planning to survive the hailstorm of dildos raining Apocalypse and Gloom on our nation from the New Hampshire GOP primary tonight? Yeah, WE THOUGHT SO. Let’s recap: Mitt Romney is going to win, but if he wins by less than a 250-million-point margin, then he has Lost, forever, because then the entire universe (Twitter) would be required to shut up about who will win the Republican nomination (hint: he won’t win by enough for this to happen). Ron Paul might win second place because no one has been paying attention to his batshit platform of dismantling the federal government and HOORAY MAREE-JUWANNA LEGALIZATION, and Jon Huntsman will come in third or possibly second because whatever, “Hunts-mentum” was a fun distraction for a couple seconds. Everyone else amounts to the collection of empty acid rainwater-soaked Skoal canisters piled outside your Uncle Bruce’s trailer. Let the drinking begin!

HERE IS WHAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO, IF:

  • Rick Perry gets a vote, anywhere in the state of New Hampshire: if you are a male, give another male  a “blow job,” which is a half-shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a half-shot of Kahlua plus whipped cream, or whipped semen, “if” you have that. Ladies: let’s just have a laugh, shall we?
  • You hear/read the words “Bain Capital” mentioned: light a five-dollar bill on fire and stir it into your beer, as an aid for vomiting.
  • Anyone mentions senile socialist hippie loser John McCain: have THREE SHOTS, of whatever you have on hand. Never forget!
  • The words “job creation” sneak into the coverage: just kidding, no one will talk about this. Have you forgotten how GAY MARRIAGE is the only issue that America Cares About? Do not pass go and head directly to jail/ GITMO.
  • Someone, anywhere, says “Ronald Reagan” for any reason: go urinate. Feels good to flush that out of your system, right? This is a Public Health Tip.
  • Someone uses the stupid term “Hunts-mentum:” Drink your can of Natty Ice, in regret for the English degree that makes you loathe desperately underpaid headline writers instead of getting that engineering degree that would allow you to ignore them altogether. Now smash the can against your forehead.
  • Any time the media wonders whether Mitt Romney is leading this race that he has already won: take a small sip, it’s going to be a long night.
  • You spot Rick Santorum bragging about his dorky sweater vest: call your mom and make her down the leftover half-bottle of Australian Chardonnay she’s got hanging around in the back of the fridge, to punish her for making you wear nerd attire in seventh grade. Do your own vodka double-shot if the teasing left you permanently scarred.
  • Newt Gingrich calls New Hampshire “profoundly stupid,” for failing to choose him as their leader: have a shot of absinthe and chew on the rubber sole of your shoe for a few minutes.
  • Rick Santorum claims a “moral victory” despite coming in 86th out of 5 candidates: go make “friends” with the nearest empty bottle of gin.
  • Mitt Romney is declared tonight’s “winner” in spite of no one caring: lick the collected dust that has been hanging around under your couch since 2008 so that you can feel exactly like Mitt Romney, and then finish off the “emergency” six-pack of PBR you were saving in case this thing went really long. Staple a note reading “911” to your forehead and pass out. HUZZAH.
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