worthless crap

Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests

DO IT NOW

Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater Vests Seen As Comfortable”), and one young, happening social-media savvy piece of fresh meat on his campaign team has responded by allowing you to own one of “his” armpit-aerating sartorial staples, a necessity for anyone with anger management issues, because anger causes sweat, for just $100.

But please take heed of the fine print at the end of the above-the-fold area:

* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Thanks again for supporting Rick’s campaign.

Thanks again. But four to six weeks? Santorum will be nothing but an improper noun by the time this thing arrives. There’s a place on this page where you can actually CHOOSE how much you want to pay for the sweater vest (retail value: $4, shockingly made in America and not Vietnam) in question. Do you want to pay the maximum of $2,500? You could do that. But you only have until January 11, i.e. tomorrow. SO HURRY IN/ON NOW! THIS DEAL WON’T LAST! [USA Today]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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205 comments

  1. Steverino247

    I get my sweater vests for a lot less at the local Big and Tall man store. (Thankfully, I'm just tall these days.)

    I also think it would be very bad to come to work with santorum on my sweater vests.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      It'd last longer if you'd buy a couple of pallets of those handsome sweaters, available in S/M/L/XL/Teabag sizes. Free delivery is available for $79.95 S/H!

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    "* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."

    Ummm….hate to break it to these folks if they just HAVE to have a sweater vest, but you can run down to the local JCPenney or Kohl's & pick up that exact same hideous sweater without paying S/H. Just a thought…

    But, seriously, who wears a sweater vest?

    1. UnholyMoses

      Um ….

      **raises hand**

      The Mrs thinks I look hawt in them, and she's the only constituency I need to worry about appeasing.

        1. UnholyMoses

          take out the trash

          Sadly, no.

          … or fix a leaky faucet?

          I'm not allowed near plumbing.

          She does, however, say such things when I'm cleaning her kitchen.*

          (* Yes, that's a metaphor.)

    2. MissTaken

      Can't lie: I find something hot about a guy in a sweater vest. But then again I still whip my head around when I get a whiff of Drakkar Noir, so I'm obviously lame.

        1. MissTaken

          I know, I know! But I lost something to a guy wearing DN and it's held a special place in my heart ever since

          1. BigDumbRedDog

            I understand. The same thing happened to me. I wore his DN smelling jacket the entire winter of my juinor year of high school. That smell NEVER fades.

          2. jus_wonderin

            That is really cute. It reminds me of the time I wore my GF's coat in High School.

            But I had really thought that memory had been beaten out of me.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Mee too mee too! My first bathed in DrakkarNoir and now I (ahem) fucking love it.I also loved a boy who wore Brut 33 and I still love that too. I also like Polo because I can close my eyes and be in 8th grade again. It makes me boycrazy just thinking about ALL of these. Woowee where's that old man of mine…

    3. SorosBot

      Do they even sell them anymore? Santorum's the first person I've seen wearing a sweater vest since I was like ten.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Not sure who sells.. but they're popular knitting creations. If you were fortunate enough to know any novice knitters, by now you might have had a handmade vest bestowed upon you. They're easier than sweaters because those sleeves, getting them evenly sized and identical length and god forbid you have to seam them into the main garment — let's just say more than one occasion I've observed enthusiastically-endeavored sweater patterns become adapted into something less.

    4. YasserArraFeck

      I know two people who wear them. They're both Republicans. Coincidence?…..I think not…..

      1. PalinzADummy

        Well, it's like those alligator shirt thingies. Most people who wear those, or pop their collars, or wear polo shirts or Dockers, are likely to be Republican. But even some of us aging lefties do have a fair share of fashion faux pas. Why, I myself have a pair of Birkenstocks, in which I take great pride. I have even been known to wear them with socks.

    5. prommie

      Its hip to dress like a dork these days, but only if you do so "ironically." Santorum just looks like a dork. If he wore horn-rim glasses with the sweater, he might pull off the look. I am wearing horn-rim glasses and a cardigan right now (the cardigan being the one worn by The Dude in The Big Lebowski. And I am doing it ironically as hell.

    6. Callyson

      "* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."
      Yeah, that's what all online websites say about their merch…the idea being to underpromise, so that the company looks good when the order arrives "ahead of time." As for "who wears a sweater vest," good question…recovering sex addicts who really, truly, never want to relapse?

    7. PalinzADummy

      Well … Santorum, obvs.

      I do, sometimes. Not-hideous ones, though. Charcoal merino, or a tasteful dove gray cashmere. Keeps you warm when the cheap bastards at work turn the heat off but expect you to hang out late anyway.

  3. Barb

    “One of my supporters said this is my second amendment vest… the right to bare arms.”
    Ass clown!

          1. Generation[redacted]

            Madame Speaker, I move to have that last comment stricken from the record.

            Unless, of course, Santorum can fill a Buster.

    1. PalinzADummy

      When Barack Obama made that crack about his wife, it was funny. Li'l Ricky doesn't even *get* that this doesn't apply to him because his arms aren't bare. DOH.

      Must beat head against keyboard now.

  4. SorosBot

    And you, too, can look like an accountant in the 1970s and be the butt of all you're colleagues' jokes!

    1. prommie

      Fuck that, everyone knows campaigns welsh on their debts, I wouldn't give a campaign a penny unless I had the merchandise in hand. Geeze marie, everyone knows you get cash on the barrelhead when dealing with a campaign.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      The true blue Rick fan should order in blue-black for the coal hole he crawled out of.*

      *not like I wanna be reminded… but he keeps talking about it…

  5. comrad_darkness

    In this case, made in U.S.A for $4 means made in Guam, thanks to the whore monger Republicans who allow that labeling, for Jesus.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Or the Marianas, with Chinese slave labour. Young girls who are forced to have abortions because providing them with health care, childcare, and time off would be more costly than could be provided with $4 sweater vests. But *those* abortions are OK in Rick's book, just like his wife Karen's abortion, which he would never permit another woman to have.

    1. Buckminster

      Well, I suppose if you're truly clumsy, you could catch a sleeve on a doorknob as you're on your way to getting hit in the butt with the door on your way out.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      You see, when a man is making santorum with another, and he loves the other one very much, one might refer to the santorum-chute as a sleeve, and…

  6. proudgrampa

    You know, as an Old, I used to like wearing sweater vests. But the thought of wearing one now? Fuggedaboutit!

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Also old, I have a nice sleeveless fleece that I'm quite fond of. But I've never been much of a fashion plate.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Preceded by lots and lots of "Santorum Slows"; "Santorum Loses Momentum"; "Santorum Surge Turns To Trickle"; "Slippery Slope for Santorum"; and the like.

  7. kissawookiee

    I would rather have one of Santorum's sweater vests than, say, Newt's boxers or, god forbid, whatever absorbent rag-on-a-very-long-pole Chris Christie uses to swab the cheese from his folds.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Eugh! Eugh! Eugh! (hops about dramatically from one foot to the other)

      He can't possibly reach far enough. I'm sure he pays people to do this.

      Oh, my brain, my eyes, my lungs and liver!

  8. OneYieldRegular

    Sweater vests? Not peanuts or jelly beans? Somebody in the PR firm handling Santorum's "branding" has one dastardly sense of humor.

  9. widestanceshakedown

    Can you imagine what they smell like (not making santorum joke here, just his own aromatic melange of cheap dryer sheets, BO, cowardice and fear is enough)?

  10. LiveToServeYa

    Here lies Santorum's sweater vest
    Food for moths
    Nothing became it in life
    Like the throwing of it out

  11. Mahousu

    I hadn't seen his campaign logo before. I don't want to think about what's flying out of his hole.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Oh, he will. Methinks the Talivangelists don't care for Catholics much. 'Bout as much as they don't care for Mormons.Damn, what WILL the godbags do? They don't *have* anyone else.

  12. coolhandnuke

    He's long dead, but i still fantasize Santorum paying Mr Rogers neighborhood a visit and Fred just goes crazy and pummels his frothy lily ass with kicks, punches, eye gouges, knee drops, ties his toes in knots, spits in his ears, gnaws off a thumb then strangles him with his sweater vest…Amen

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Great fantasy, but in reality Mr. Rogers probably would have just said, "Ricky, it's not nice to be mean to certain people and treat others like they're more special."

      OT: I knew a guy in Pittsburgh who used to do graphic design for Mr. Rogers. He said it was absolutely hilarious to go to review meetings and hear Mr. Rogers say to him, "That's VERY good, Jim."

      1. Callyson

        True, Mr Rogers probably would take the high road.
        Officer Clemmons, on the other hand…oh, what a pleasant thought…

  13. owhatever

    Another campaign money-raising team is selling the arms that were cut off real sweaters to make them into vests.

  14. raygotaway

    Is there a color coordinated chastity belt and a bloody crucifix attached to it?
    I wanna be sure its authentic.

  15. MissTaken

    I'm actually surprised Sarah didn't think of this first and start selling her glasses and bump-its.

    1. Callyson

      I read that as glasses and bump-tits.
      Which might be a big seller, you'd think Saint Sarah would be on that…

    2. GOPCrusher

      After Santorum drops out of the race, look for The Undefeated II. The Rick Santorum Story on DVD and Blu-Ray Disc.

    1. SorosBot

      Just stick to oral and anal only; that's the one form of birth control he can't ban.

      Well, OK, he can, and believes the state should do so, but try enforcing that.

    2. Sharkey

      Size Zero is available, you can clothe your fetus in a sweater-vest and then hang it in your closet with a wire hanger for display!

      (Kind of a dark thought, even for me.)

    3. KeepFnThatChicken

      Just stop sexin', and you won't have to worry about it. Abstinence!

      deit: Sorry, fuck Rick and his campaign. I'm not going to preach his Christian mantra for him.

    4. James Michael Curley

      The image of Ricky flailing away at one of his kids yelling, "No Wire Hangers" is too bizarre to imagine, but wouldn't surprise me.

    1. Callyson

      If one person orders that rag, demand would meet *my* definition of extremely high for that item…
      …and "high" is a good description of the mental state in which said customer most likely would be when placing the order…

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Wow, talk about throwing good money after bad. Especially since a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "I'm a homophobic douchebag" achieves the same effect at about 1/10th the price.

  17. chascates

    Add a Mitt Romney pair of bell bottomed slacks and some Newt Gingrich white penny loafers for a wild night at the Dairy Queen!

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      The problem with his brows isn't their curliness, but their mobility. I'm thinking superglue rather than Jheri.

  18. DonnyKerabotsos

    Wasn't John McCain also fond of the old sweater vest? Maybe Rick started wearing them as a sort of nod to McCain, but now that Gramps is supporting Romney (when he can actually remember his name, that is), Rick is stuck with it, like when you take a cooking class to be with a girl you like, who then promptly takes up with some OTHER GUY in the class but, to save face, YOU have to finish this STUPID FUCKING cooking class to save face, as I already said.

    Or so I've heard.
    Maybe that's what happened.

    1. jus_wonderin

      There are all kinda accidents that could happen in a kitchen. Let's try to think outside of the box.

  19. neiltheblaze

    You laugh, but after he becomes President it will be required wearing at all the compulsory Anti-Sex League meetings.

    1. VaWyo

      And the uniform for the kids being home schooled, which will be a requirement. None of that guvment schoolin'. All mothers will be forced to home school (whether or not they finished their GED) and unemployment will decline when women leave the workforce.

  20. Nesnora

    Bullshit! It's covering his 3rd nipple (the one that gets rock-hard every time he brings up sexy gay sex), don't be fooled!

  21. prommie

    I have been getting these overwhelming urges to sucker-punch dudes I see wearing outlandish clothing in public, lately. I saw a frat-guy-like dude wearing a fedora in the grocery store the other day, and he had a folded-up dollar bill stuck in the band. It was all I could do not to cold-clock him, just for being a douche.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    What — no bowtie or argyle socks? I mean, if he's going to discredit an already-staid item of clothing, he may as well go whole hog.

  23. chicken_thief

    I've drunk every nasty ass low quality beer in 8 countries, but I can't bring myself to drink another PBR. God that shit is awful.

  24. SenileAgitation

    Me, I like sweater vests. Truly. For you fellows thinking this bit of cocktail casual is too square, au contraire mon frere! In vee neck configuration, it lends a subtle sexiness (I have no fucking sleeves, baby! that much closer to naked!) that pullovers can't touch. And for the young people, worn shirtless it's a great way to display your tattoos. Please don't tell me it's time to donate mine to Savers or be thought a santorum enthusiast.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Yeah, but they don't keep you as warm. Also, youknow, you should be in shape if you're gonna wear those. Nothing like watching a flab apron flop out the bottom of one of those things, front or back.

  25. chicken_thief

    What's with all the flags in the photo – Rick running for POTUS or King of the Fucking World?

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Riding a fixie in any kind of long pant is a non-habit forming vice, as he'll find out when the chain/ring interface grabs the hem….

      1. PalinzADummy

        Handling any kind of powerful machinery in inappropriate clothing is a great reminder of mortality for the young and foolish. I had mine with a motorcycle and my widest pair of bell-bottom jeans. Nothing like an exhaust burn to send your ass flying over the handlebars. Good thing I had the helmet on, and good thing I missed the tree that suddenly appeared in my path.

  26. mavenmaven

    Not likely that this will catch on, given his views on the actual fashion trendsetters nowadays.

  27. Veritas78

    Dunno 'bout the rest of y'all, but I actually want added warmth on my arms and legs, like a reverse of a sweater vest and flannel boxers.

    Unfortunately, solutions to this problem seem to really creep out the teenagers that I attempt to fondle. Not sure why this is. Suggestions?

  28. Sheesko

    I'm torn between two comments:

    1. I'd love a bunch to line my cats' litter boxes but at that price, I'll have to pass.

    2. You could felt them into dryer balls. Much better for the environment (and your skin) than Downey. I have 6 that I paid $35 for, like a year ago. They work great. I wonder what's on TV.

  29. Negropolis

    Yo, Rick, Imma let you finish, but Fred Rogers was the best wearer of sweaters evah…with the venerable Bill Cosby an honorable mention.

Comments are closed.