WORTHLESS CRAP  2:30 pm January 10, 2012

Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests

by Liz Colville

DO IT NOW

Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater Vests Seen As Comfortable”), and one young, happening social-media savvy piece of fresh meat on his campaign team has responded by allowing you to own one of “his” armpit-aerating sartorial staples, a necessity for anyone with anger management issues, because anger causes sweat, for just $100.

But please take heed of the fine print at the end of the above-the-fold area:

* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Thanks again for supporting Rick’s campaign.

Thanks again. But four to six weeks? Santorum will be nothing but an improper noun by the time this thing arrives. There’s a place on this page where you can actually CHOOSE how much you want to pay for the sweater vest (retail value: $4, shockingly made in America and not Vietnam) in question. Do you want to pay the maximum of $2,500? You could do that. But you only have until January 11, i.e. tomorrow. SO HURRY IN/ON NOW! THIS DEAL WON’T LAST! [USA Today]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 205 comments }

nounverb911 January 10, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Did he wear them first? Are they stained with santorum?

Steverino247 January 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I get my sweater vests for a lot less at the local Big and Tall man store. (Thankfully, I'm just tall these days.)

I also think it would be very bad to come to work with santorum on my sweater vests.

KeepFnThatChicken January 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Do they come pre-stained? Democrats will buy blue ones, as a Clinton commemorative.

LiveToServeYa January 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Yes, they come stained by Santorum.

UW8316154 January 10, 2012 at 7:12 pm

come stained by santorum seems, somehow, redundant.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Also, gaggacious. Too.

Goonemeritus January 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

He is just trying to do his part to reduce the sexual epidemic in this country!

AlterNewt January 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm

It's a good way to start.

lizcolville January 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

who the f knows, his website, like the man himself, is horribly opaque!

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Santorum is opaque? Why, because he's so dense?

Barb January 10, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"between now and Jan 11th" LOL He's running his campaign from day to day now.

V572 the Merciless January 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It'd last longer if you'd buy a couple of pallets of those handsome sweaters, available in S/M/L/XL/Teabag sizes. Free delivery is available for $79.95 S/H!

memzilla January 10, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I'll order a dozen and put 'em right next to my pile of Ol' Crazy Eyes' fleece jackets. They're sure to become valuable collectibles… right up there with Billy Beer!

Gratuitous World January 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Will Santorum come under fire for aborting the arms of his sweaters?

Texan_Bulldog January 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."

Ummm….hate to break it to these folks if they just HAVE to have a sweater vest, but you can run down to the local JCPenney or Kohl's & pick up that exact same hideous sweater without paying S/H. Just a thought…

But, seriously, who wears a sweater vest?

UnholyMoses January 10, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Um ….

**raises hand**

The Mrs thinks I look hawt in them, and she's the only constituency I need to worry about appeasing.

Terry January 10, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Does she also tell you you look hawt when you take out the trash or fix a leaky faucet?

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm

The only response to this is "Hey! How do you know my wife???!!"

UnholyMoses January 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

take out the trash

Sadly, no.

… or fix a leaky faucet?

I'm not allowed near plumbing.

She does, however, say such things when I'm cleaning her kitchen.*

(* Yes, that's a metaphor.)

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Hey, as long as you keep her in the mood for a little horizontal samba, ain't nobody's bizness what-all you get up to.

MissTaken January 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Can't lie: I find something hot about a guy in a sweater vest. But then again I still whip my head around when I get a whiff of Drakkar Noir, so I'm obviously lame.

Texan_Bulldog January 10, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Unless the dude is wearing one sans pants, I don't get it. (But we all have our 'things'!)

Terry January 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

No, it's a sweater vest with a pair of sans-a-belt pants that's truly hot.

BaldarTFlagass January 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Does my Hai Karate do it for you too?

elviouslyqueer January 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Oh honey. Brut or GTFO.

MissTaken January 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I know, I know! But I lost something to a guy wearing DN and it's held a special place in my heart ever since

Chet Kincaid January 10, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Your composure? Your car keys? Do tell!

BigDumbRedDog January 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I understand. The same thing happened to me. I wore his DN smelling jacket the entire winter of my juinor year of high school. That smell NEVER fades.

FakaktaSouth January 10, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Mee too mee too! My first bathed in DrakkarNoir and now I (ahem) fucking love it.I also loved a boy who wore Brut 33 and I still love that too. I also like Polo because I can close my eyes and be in 8th grade again. It makes me boycrazy just thinking about ALL of these. Woowee where's that old man of mine…

Terry January 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Brut is AXE body spray for guys in their 50's and 60's.

prommie January 10, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Old Spice is the good stuff.

elviouslyqueer January 10, 2012 at 3:18 pm

No no. That's Jovan Musk. Or Royall Lime, if you're feeling truly fancy.

emmelemm January 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Come on, people! Sex Panther or GTFO.

chicken_thief January 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I'm a cheap fuck – nothing but Mennen Skin Bracer for me.

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Do they even sell them anymore? Santorum's the first person I've seen wearing a sweater vest since I was like ten.

Mumbletypeg January 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Not sure who sells.. but they're popular knitting creations. If you were fortunate enough to know any novice knitters, by now you might have had a handmade vest bestowed upon you. They're easier than sweaters because those sleeves, getting them evenly sized and identical length and god forbid you have to seam them into the main garment — let's just say more than one occasion I've observed enthusiastically-endeavored sweater patterns become adapted into something less.

BaldarTFlagass January 10, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Every time I've ever tried, they ended up being ashtrays or shoe shine boxes.

YasserArraFeck January 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I know two people who wear them. They're both Republicans. Coincidence?…..I think not…..

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Well, it's like those alligator shirt thingies. Most people who wear those, or pop their collars, or wear polo shirts or Dockers, are likely to be Republican. But even some of us aging lefties do have a fair share of fashion faux pas. Why, I myself have a pair of Birkenstocks, in which I take great pride. I have even been known to wear them with socks.

prommie January 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Its hip to dress like a dork these days, but only if you do so "ironically." Santorum just looks like a dork. If he wore horn-rim glasses with the sweater, he might pull off the look. I am wearing horn-rim glasses and a cardigan right now (the cardigan being the one worn by The Dude in The Big Lebowski. And I am doing it ironically as hell.

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:06 pm

"* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."
Yeah, that's what all online websites say about their merch…the idea being to underpromise, so that the company looks good when the order arrives "ahead of time." As for "who wears a sweater vest," good question…recovering sex addicts who really, truly, never want to relapse?

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Jim Tressel.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Well … Santorum, obvs.

I do, sometimes. Not-hideous ones, though. Charcoal merino, or a tasteful dove gray cashmere. Keeps you warm when the cheap bastards at work turn the heat off but expect you to hang out late anyway.

KeepFnThatChicken January 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I bet they were made in China by a company Mitt sold.

PsycWench January 10, 2012 at 2:44 pm

How ironic. They're the best method of birth control money can buy.

KeepFnThatChicken January 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm

According to his platform, that's abstinence. Don't fall in love, fall in line…

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Dammit. (removes vest, folds, puts away)

Barb January 10, 2012 at 2:44 pm

“One of my supporters said this is my second amendment vest… the right to bare arms.”
Ass clown!

PsycWench January 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm

That picture makes me think more seriously of arming bears. New Hampshire bears.

Barb January 10, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Rick was last seen speaking to a crowd at the maul…………

KeepFnThatChicken January 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Does a bear shit in the maul?

Barb January 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Does a gay bear leave santorum at the quorum?

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Damn he really said that; that pun is so corny it would make an armed Fozzie Bear wince.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:07 pm

When Barack Obama made that crack about his wife, it was funny. Li'l Ricky doesn't even *get* that this doesn't apply to him because his arms aren't bare. DOH.

Must beat head against keyboard now.

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

And you, too, can look like an accountant in the 1970s and be the butt of all you're colleagues' jokes!

bflrtsplk January 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Are they bulletproof?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Much better to make them splatter-proof.

weejee January 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I think there is a Cleveland Steamer wearing Rick's frothy sweater vest.

hagajim January 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm

He's even offering a special vest in Santorum color.

freakishlywrong January 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

proudgrampa January 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Took the words right out of my keyboard.

smokefillednewyear January 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

My keyboard actually rolled its 'i' at me then yawned.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Great Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

What if UPS aborts my order?
~

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

4-6 weeks!! I wanted to wear it to his campaign resignation announcement!!

prommie January 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Fuck that, everyone knows campaigns welsh on their debts, I wouldn't give a campaign a penny unless I had the merchandise in hand. Geeze marie, everyone knows you get cash on the barrelhead when dealing with a campaign.

UnholyMoses January 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

" … it comes in gray … "

Sorry, but I only buy sweater vests that come in blah.

UW8316154 January 10, 2012 at 7:18 pm

don't forget the special commemorative "Frothy Cream" color.

comrad_darkness January 10, 2012 at 2:46 pm

♪ It's a beautiful day in my all-white neighborhood . . . ♪

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Mister Rogers libel!

Radiotherapy January 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I wonder if it comes in blah.

smokefillednewyear January 10, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It only comes in blah–are you kidding?

DaRooster January 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Of course… it's a sweater vest.

Mumbletypeg January 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

The true blue Rick fan should order in blue-black for the coal hole he crawled out of.*

*not like I wanna be reminded… but he keeps talking about it…

comrad_darkness January 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

In this case, made in U.S.A for $4 means made in Guam, thanks to the whore monger Republicans who allow that labeling, for Jesus.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Or the Marianas, with Chinese slave labour. Young girls who are forced to have abortions because providing them with health care, childcare, and time off would be more costly than could be provided with $4 sweater vests. But *those* abortions are OK in Rick's book, just like his wife Karen's abortion, which he would never permit another woman to have.

Oblios_Cap January 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Don't let sleeves slow you down

How do sleeves slow you down?

OneYieldRegular January 10, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Slow you down from WHAT, I think, is the relevant question.

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

He dives in with both arms!

Buckminster January 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Well, I suppose if you're truly clumsy, you could catch a sleeve on a doorknob as you're on your way to getting hit in the butt with the door on your way out.

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Have you seen Michael Phelps swim in a shirt?

Gleem_McShineys January 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You see, when a man is making santorum with another, and he loves the other one very much, one might refer to the santorum-chute as a sleeve, and…

smokefillednewyear January 10, 2012 at 10:08 pm

The funny thing is he's still wearing sleeves.

poncho_pilot January 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm

if you put this sweater in storage make sure to pack it with froth balls.

BaldarTFlagass January 10, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Your move, Ward Cleaver.

Mumbletypeg January 10, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Meh. If keeping the "core" warm is what its' about, I'm holding out for the Hopey Haramaki.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:14 pm

That is the weirdest damn thing I've seen in a while. WTH is it?

proudgrampa January 10, 2012 at 2:54 pm

You know, as an Old, I used to like wearing sweater vests. But the thought of wearing one now? Fuggedaboutit!

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Thanks a lot, proudgrampa. (clutches sweater vests with a final sob)

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Also old, I have a nice sleeveless fleece that I'm quite fond of. But I've never been much of a fashion plate.

PubOption January 10, 2012 at 2:54 pm

4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Chances are Ricky will be out of the race before then.

widestanceshakedown January 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm

We are all living for the headline, "Santorum Drops Out."

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Preceded by lots and lots of "Santorum Slows"; "Santorum Loses Momentum"; "Santorum Surge Turns To Trickle"; "Slippery Slope for Santorum"; and the like.

kissawookiee January 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I would rather have one of Santorum's sweater vests than, say, Newt's boxers or, god forbid, whatever absorbent rag-on-a-very-long-pole Chris Christie uses to swab the cheese from his folds.

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

He has "people" in Pennsylvania for that. Hell, probably even Ohio.

nonbeliever7 January 10, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Well thank you for that.
Not. Eating. Ever. Again

MaxNeanderthal January 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Affirmative, I just lost my lunch….

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Eugh! Eugh! Eugh! (hops about dramatically from one foot to the other)

He can't possibly reach far enough. I'm sure he pays people to do this.

Oh, my brain, my eyes, my lungs and liver!

OneYieldRegular January 10, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Sweater vests? Not peanuts or jelly beans? Somebody in the PR firm handling Santorum's "branding" has one dastardly sense of humor.

widestanceshakedown January 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Can you imagine what they smell like (not making santorum joke here, just his own aromatic melange of cheap dryer sheets, BO, cowardice and fear is enough)?

Jukesgrrl January 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Probably some incense from a Catholic Church mixed in there, too.

chicken_thief January 10, 2012 at 4:10 pm

And the faint odor of formaldehyde from refreshing the pickle juice in JarFetus' container.

LiveToServeYa January 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Here lies Santorum's sweater vest
Food for moths
Nothing became it in life
Like the throwing of it out

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 10, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'm betting Marcus Bachmann has put down an order for 10.

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Uh? Oh. Sweaters.

hagajim January 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Love the kicker head…isn't that what comes out of Rick when he is done?

Mahousu January 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I hadn't seen his campaign logo before. I don't want to think about what's flying out of his hole.

widestanceshakedown January 10, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Actually, the real hot item comes in a few weeks when the dead fetus hits eBay.

Pragmatist2 January 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I believe the doll is now available. But too late for Christmas!

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm

With a resounding splat!

KeepFnThatChicken January 11, 2012 at 9:44 am

TOO SOON

(he hasn't quit yet)

PalinzADummy January 11, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh, he will. Methinks the Talivangelists don't care for Catholics much. 'Bout as much as they don't care for Mormons.Damn, what WILL the godbags do? They don't *have* anyone else.

coolhandnuke January 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He's long dead, but i still fantasize Santorum paying Mr Rogers neighborhood a visit and Fred just goes crazy and pummels his frothy lily ass with kicks, punches, eye gouges, knee drops, ties his toes in knots, spits in his ears, gnaws off a thumb then strangles him with his sweater vest…Amen

Jukesgrrl January 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Great fantasy, but in reality Mr. Rogers probably would have just said, "Ricky, it's not nice to be mean to certain people and treat others like they're more special."

OT: I knew a guy in Pittsburgh who used to do graphic design for Mr. Rogers. He said it was absolutely hilarious to go to review meetings and hear Mr. Rogers say to him, "That's VERY good, Jim."

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

True, Mr Rogers probably would take the high road.
Officer Clemmons, on the other hand…oh, what a pleasant thought…

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Jeez. Can you imagine?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:20 pm

You're rather … enthusiastic about Santorum, aren't you?

owhatever January 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Another campaign money-raising team is selling the arms that were cut off real sweaters to make them into vests.

BigDumbRedDog January 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Guys in sweater vests make me punchy.

comrad_darkness January 10, 2012 at 3:10 pm

As in, you feel like punching someone?

BigDumbRedDog January 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

As in I feel like punching them. With my tiny woman fists.

meatlofer January 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm

When he's done with us, NO ONE wll be able to afford sleeves!

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:21 pm

The One Percenters will.

smokefillednewyear January 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I want one of Rick's fetus blankets.

raygotaway January 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Is there a color coordinated chastity belt and a bloody crucifix attached to it?
I wanna be sure its authentic.

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I don't think these are going to sell very well; Rick's made a bad in-vest-ment.

Barb January 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 3:27 pm

My lease says no pets, but kitties are so cute…

MissTaken January 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I'm actually surprised Sarah didn't think of this first and start selling her glasses and bump-its.

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I read that as glasses and bump-tits.
Which might be a big seller, you'd think Saint Sarah would be on that…

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:49 pm

After Santorum drops out of the race, look for The Undefeated II. The Rick Santorum Story on DVD and Blu-Ray Disc.

Sheesko January 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Who knows that she didn't? There are lots of dark alleys in Wasilla at this time of year.

MissTaken January 10, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Does the sweater vest come on a wire hanger? I'm gonna need one of those when he's President.

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Just stick to oral and anal only; that's the one form of birth control he can't ban.

Well, OK, he can, and believes the state should do so, but try enforcing that.

BigDumbRedDog January 10, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Anal spreads santorum! I'm totally getting that embroidered on a sweater vest.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Promise me you'll applique two slices of bread below it.

KeepFnThatChicken January 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

Toasted bread, with a picture of Jesus on the side.

Sharkey January 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Size Zero is available, you can clothe your fetus in a sweater-vest and then hang it in your closet with a wire hanger for display!

(Kind of a dark thought, even for me.)

KeepFnThatChicken January 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Just stop sexin', and you won't have to worry about it. Abstinence!

deit: Sorry, fuck Rick and his campaign. I'm not going to preach his Christian mantra for him.

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:51 pm

But it worked so well for Brisket Palin!

James Michael Curley January 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The image of Ricky flailing away at one of his kids yelling, "No Wire Hangers" is too bizarre to imagine, but wouldn't surprise me.

smokefillednewyear January 10, 2012 at 3:07 pm

*Demand has been extremely high for this item.

*our ass

PsycWench January 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm

if by "high" you mean "actively hallucinating"

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:23 pm

If one person orders that rag, demand would meet *my* definition of extremely high for that item…
…and "high" is a good description of the mental state in which said customer most likely would be when placing the order…

tealsheart January 10, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Translation: De man has to be very very high to buy this moFo

elviouslyqueer January 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Wow, talk about throwing good money after bad. Especially since a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "I'm a homophobic douchebag" achieves the same effect at about 1/10th the price.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:23 pm

If Ricky put out a tee with those words on it, his campaign would be rolling in dough overnight.

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

As my customary response would be oddly self-serving, I will simply say "Ewwwwww".

DaRooster January 10, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Frothy Mix/Sweater Vest 2012!!

chascates January 10, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Add a Mitt Romney pair of bell bottomed slacks and some Newt Gingrich white penny loafers for a wild night at the Dairy Queen!

Jukesgrrl January 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Where you can pick up a woman with crazy eyes who won't put out.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Michele's back in LaLaland, already. Or wherever it is she comes from.

Eve8Apples January 10, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Fuck the vest! I want some magic panties! How much for magic panties, Mittens?

Guppy January 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

It's spelled "grAy," Frenchie!

Chet Kincaid January 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Ron Paul has taken to wearing vintage Cosby sweaters, to curry favor with the blahs. He is also Jheri curling his eyebrows.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Ye ghodz!

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 9:20 pm

The problem with his brows isn't their curliness, but their mobility. I'm thinking superglue rather than Jheri.

Wilcoxyz January 10, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Made with sweater vest shop labor no doubt.

DonnyKerabotsos January 10, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Wasn't John McCain also fond of the old sweater vest? Maybe Rick started wearing them as a sort of nod to McCain, but now that Gramps is supporting Romney (when he can actually remember his name, that is), Rick is stuck with it, like when you take a cooking class to be with a girl you like, who then promptly takes up with some OTHER GUY in the class but, to save face, YOU have to finish this STUPID FUCKING cooking class to save face, as I already said.

Or so I've heard.
Maybe that's what happened.

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:30 pm

There are all kinda accidents that could happen in a kitchen. Let's try to think outside of the box.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Riiiigghhhhttt.

(backs away slowly)

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 9:20 pm

This is good news for John McCain?

BaldarTFlagass January 10, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Jim Tressel would have ordered a dozen, if he had a job still.

neiltheblaze January 10, 2012 at 3:27 pm

You laugh, but after he becomes President it will be required wearing at all the compulsory Anti-Sex League meetings.

VaWyo January 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm

And the uniform for the kids being home schooled, which will be a requirement. None of that guvment schoolin'. All mothers will be forced to home school (whether or not they finished their GED) and unemployment will decline when women leave the workforce.

Nesnora January 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Bullshit! It's covering his 3rd nipple (the one that gets rock-hard every time he brings up sexy gay sex), don't be fooled!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Do they come pre-stained?

Antispandex January 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Change no one can believe in.

prommie January 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I have been getting these overwhelming urges to sucker-punch dudes I see wearing outlandish clothing in public, lately. I saw a frat-guy-like dude wearing a fedora in the grocery store the other day, and he had a folded-up dollar bill stuck in the band. It was all I could do not to cold-clock him, just for being a douche.

teebob2000 January 10, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Dorksaywhat?

SorosBot January 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm

You should apologize – America's dorks don't deserve being compared to Santorum!

mrblifil January 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm

And here I would have walked barefoot to Palestine to touch the hem of his nether garment. And now I don't have to.

Biff January 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

Limeylizzie January 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I'm waiting for the Ron Paul eyebrow merkins.

benjo765 January 10, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I'd look so good getting santorum all over my boyfriend in one of those santorum sweater-vests

SayItWithWookies January 10, 2012 at 3:58 pm

What — no bowtie or argyle socks? I mean, if he's going to discredit an already-staid item of clothing, he may as well go whole hog.

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Tucker Carlson? Is that you?

Callyson January 10, 2012 at 4:01 pm

One hundred bucks and it's not even watered – down cashmere? Next!

chicken_thief January 10, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I've drunk every nasty ass low quality beer in 8 countries, but I can't bring myself to drink another PBR. God that shit is awful.

MaxNeanderthal January 10, 2012 at 4:33 pm

You tried Carlsberg Special Brew? (A tip- don't)

Schmegeg January 10, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Great. Now, if I want to run for student council and not get laid, my wardrobe is complete.

SenileAgitation January 10, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Me, I like sweater vests. Truly. For you fellows thinking this bit of cocktail casual is too square, au contraire mon frere! In vee neck configuration, it lends a subtle sexiness (I have no fucking sleeves, baby! that much closer to naked!) that pullovers can't touch. And for the young people, worn shirtless it's a great way to display your tattoos. Please don't tell me it's time to donate mine to Savers or be thought a santorum enthusiast.

GOPCrusher January 10, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Wife beater T-shirts have the same effect.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Yeah, but they don't keep you as warm. Also, youknow, you should be in shape if you're gonna wear those. Nothing like watching a flab apron flop out the bottom of one of those things, front or back.

chicken_thief January 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

What's with all the flags in the photo – Rick running for POTUS or King of the Fucking World?

starfanglednut January 10, 2012 at 4:57 pm

And you should see him riding his fixie in skinny jeans.

MaxNeanderthal January 10, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Riding a fixie in any kind of long pant is a non-habit forming vice, as he'll find out when the chain/ring interface grabs the hem….

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Handling any kind of powerful machinery in inappropriate clothing is a great reminder of mortality for the young and foolish. I had mine with a motorcycle and my widest pair of bell-bottom jeans. Nothing like an exhaust burn to send your ass flying over the handlebars. Good thing I had the helmet on, and good thing I missed the tree that suddenly appeared in my path.

Gleem_McShineys January 10, 2012 at 5:09 pm

A santorum sweater? This sounds like a term you'd find on Urban Dictionary.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Oh god, Gleem, please don't go put something utterly gross in there PLEEZ!

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Hmmm.

mavenmaven January 10, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Not likely that this will catch on, given his views on the actual fashion trendsetters nowadays.

El PincheBoracho January 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Nothing says Brony like a sweater vest.

Veritas78 January 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Dunno 'bout the rest of y'all, but I actually want added warmth on my arms and legs, like a reverse of a sweater vest and flannel boxers.

Unfortunately, solutions to this problem seem to really creep out the teenagers that I attempt to fondle. Not sure why this is. Suggestions?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Leg and arm warmers. Also, stop fondling teens.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Look, at least he's not selling spoonfuls of whatever it is in that jar on his mantel, OK?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I'll bring the patented Golden Bat of Clue and see if parting his hair with it helps him, you know, develop and such.

tealsheart January 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm

His sweaters make my navel all sweaty

Sheesko January 10, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I'm torn between two comments:

1. I'd love a bunch to line my cats' litter boxes but at that price, I'll have to pass.

2. You could felt them into dryer balls. Much better for the environment (and your skin) than Downey. I have 6 that I paid $35 for, like a year ago. They work great. I wonder what's on TV.

Negropolis January 11, 2012 at 1:59 am

Yo, Rick, Imma let you finish, but Fred Rogers was the best wearer of sweaters evah…with the venerable Bill Cosby an honorable mention.

Generation[redacted] January 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Madame Speaker, I move to have that last comment stricken from the record.

Unless, of course, Santorum can fill a Buster.

Terry January 10, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Old Spice is the AXE body spray for the WW2 generation.

do-do-de-do-do!

prommie January 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Hey, don't knock it, the geriatric chicks go wild for it!

jus_wonderin January 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm

That is really cute. It reminds me of the time I wore my GF's coat in High School.

But I had really thought that memory had been beaten out of me.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:52 pm

He's gonna be lyin' there with a shit-eatin' grin on his face, wondering what the fuck happened, you know.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Hold up, there. I've got mine in the bag.

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