Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater Vests Seen As Comfortable”), and one young, happening social-media savvy piece of fresh meat on his campaign team has responded by allowing you to own one of “his” armpit-aerating sartorial staples, a necessity for anyone with anger management issues, because anger causes sweat, for just $100.
But please take heed of the fine print at the end of the above-the-fold area:
* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Thanks again for supporting Rick’s campaign.
Thanks again. But four to six weeks? Santorum will be nothing but an improper noun by the time this thing arrives. There’s a place on this page where you can actually CHOOSE how much you want to pay for the sweater vest (retail value: $4, shockingly made in America and not Vietnam) in question. Do you want to pay the maximum of $2,500? You could do that. But you only have until January 11, i.e. tomorrow. SO HURRY IN/ON NOW! THIS DEAL WON’T LAST! [USA Today]
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Did he wear them first? Are they stained with santorum?
I get my sweater vests for a lot less at the local Big and Tall man store. (Thankfully, I'm just tall these days.)
I also think it would be very bad to come to work with santorum on my sweater vests.
Do they come pre-stained? Democrats will buy blue ones, as a Clinton commemorative.
Yes, they come stained by Santorum.
come stained by santorum seems, somehow, redundant.
Also, gaggacious. Too.
He is just trying to do his part to reduce the sexual epidemic in this country!
It's a good way to start.
who the f knows, his website, like the man himself, is horribly opaque!
Santorum is opaque? Why, because he's so dense?
"between now and Jan 11th" LOL He's running his campaign from day to day now.
It'd last longer if you'd buy a couple of pallets of those handsome sweaters, available in S/M/L/XL/Teabag sizes. Free delivery is available for $79.95 S/H!
I'll order a dozen and put 'em right next to my pile of Ol' Crazy Eyes' fleece jackets. They're sure to become valuable collectibles… right up there with Billy Beer!
Will Santorum come under fire for aborting the arms of his sweaters?
"* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."
Ummm….hate to break it to these folks if they just HAVE to have a sweater vest, but you can run down to the local JCPenney or Kohl's & pick up that exact same hideous sweater without paying S/H. Just a thought…
But, seriously, who wears a sweater vest?
Um ….
**raises hand**
The Mrs thinks I look hawt in them, and she's the only constituency I need to worry about appeasing.
Does she also tell you you look hawt when you take out the trash or fix a leaky faucet?
The only response to this is "Hey! How do you know my wife???!!"
Sadly, no.
I'm not allowed near plumbing.
She does, however, say such things when I'm cleaning her kitchen.*
(* Yes, that's a metaphor.)
Hey, as long as you keep her in the mood for a little horizontal samba, ain't nobody's bizness what-all you get up to.
Can't lie: I find something hot about a guy in a sweater vest. But then again I still whip my head around when I get a whiff of Drakkar Noir, so I'm obviously lame.
Unless the dude is wearing one sans pants, I don't get it. (But we all have our 'things'!)
No, it's a sweater vest with a pair of sans-a-belt pants that's truly hot.
Does my Hai Karate do it for you too?
Oh honey. Brut or GTFO.
I know, I know! But I lost something to a guy wearing DN and it's held a special place in my heart ever since
Your composure? Your car keys? Do tell!
I understand. The same thing happened to me. I wore his DN smelling jacket the entire winter of my juinor year of high school. That smell NEVER fades.
Mee too mee too! My first bathed in DrakkarNoir and now I (ahem) fucking love it.I also loved a boy who wore Brut 33 and I still love that too. I also like Polo because I can close my eyes and be in 8th grade again. It makes me boycrazy just thinking about ALL of these. Woowee where's that old man of mine…
Brut is AXE body spray for guys in their 50's and 60's.
Old Spice is the good stuff.
No no. That's Jovan Musk. Or Royall Lime, if you're feeling truly fancy.
Come on, people! Sex Panther or GTFO.
I'm a cheap fuck – nothing but Mennen Skin Bracer for me.
Do they even sell them anymore? Santorum's the first person I've seen wearing a sweater vest since I was like ten.
Not sure who sells.. but they're popular knitting creations. If you were fortunate enough to know any novice knitters, by now you might have had a handmade vest bestowed upon you. They're easier than sweaters because those sleeves, getting them evenly sized and identical length and god forbid you have to seam them into the main garment — let's just say more than one occasion I've observed enthusiastically-endeavored sweater patterns become adapted into something less.
Every time I've ever tried, they ended up being ashtrays or shoe shine boxes.
I know two people who wear them. They're both Republicans. Coincidence?…..I think not…..
Well, it's like those alligator shirt thingies. Most people who wear those, or pop their collars, or wear polo shirts or Dockers, are likely to be Republican. But even some of us aging lefties do have a fair share of fashion faux pas. Why, I myself have a pair of Birkenstocks, in which I take great pride. I have even been known to wear them with socks.
Its hip to dress like a dork these days, but only if you do so "ironically." Santorum just looks like a dork. If he wore horn-rim glasses with the sweater, he might pull off the look. I am wearing horn-rim glasses and a cardigan right now (the cardigan being the one worn by The Dude in The Big Lebowski. And I am doing it ironically as hell.
"* Demand has been extremely high for this item. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery."
Yeah, that's what all online websites say about their merch…the idea being to underpromise, so that the company looks good when the order arrives "ahead of time." As for "who wears a sweater vest," good question…recovering sex addicts who really, truly, never want to relapse?
Jim Tressel.
Well … Santorum, obvs.
I do, sometimes. Not-hideous ones, though. Charcoal merino, or a tasteful dove gray cashmere. Keeps you warm when the cheap bastards at work turn the heat off but expect you to hang out late anyway.
I bet they were made in China by a company Mitt sold.
How ironic. They're the best method of birth control money can buy.
According to his platform, that's abstinence. Don't fall in love, fall in line…
Dammit. (removes vest, folds, puts away)
“One of my supporters said this is my second amendment vest… the right to bare arms.”
Ass clown!
That picture makes me think more seriously of arming bears. New Hampshire bears.
Rick was last seen speaking to a crowd at the maul…………
Does a bear shit in the maul?
Does a gay bear leave santorum at the quorum?
Damn he really said that; that pun is so corny it would make an armed Fozzie Bear wince.
When Barack Obama made that crack about his wife, it was funny. Li'l Ricky doesn't even *get* that this doesn't apply to him because his arms aren't bare. DOH.
Must beat head against keyboard now.
And you, too, can look like an accountant in the 1970s and be the butt of all you're colleagues' jokes!
Are they bulletproof?
Much better to make them splatter-proof.
I think there is a Cleveland Steamer wearing Rick's frothy sweater vest.
He's even offering a special vest in Santorum color.
Oh for fuck's sake.
Took the words right out of my keyboard.
My keyboard actually rolled its 'i' at me then yawned.
Great Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
What if UPS aborts my order?
~
4-6 weeks!! I wanted to wear it to his campaign resignation announcement!!
Fuck that, everyone knows campaigns welsh on their debts, I wouldn't give a campaign a penny unless I had the merchandise in hand. Geeze marie, everyone knows you get cash on the barrelhead when dealing with a campaign.
" … it comes in gray … "
Sorry, but I only buy sweater vests that come in blah.
don't forget the special commemorative "Frothy Cream" color.
♪ It's a beautiful day in my all-white neighborhood . . . ♪
Mister Rogers libel!
I wonder if it comes in blah.
It only comes in blah–are you kidding?
Of course… it's a sweater vest.
The true blue Rick fan should order in blue-black for the coal hole he crawled out of.*
*not like I wanna be reminded… but he keeps talking about it…
In this case, made in U.S.A for $4 means made in Guam, thanks to the whore monger Republicans who allow that labeling, for Jesus.
Or the Marianas, with Chinese slave labour. Young girls who are forced to have abortions because providing them with health care, childcare, and time off would be more costly than could be provided with $4 sweater vests. But *those* abortions are OK in Rick's book, just like his wife Karen's abortion, which he would never permit another woman to have.
Don't let sleeves slow you down
How do sleeves slow you down?
Slow you down from WHAT, I think, is the relevant question.
He dives in with both arms!
Well, I suppose if you're truly clumsy, you could catch a sleeve on a doorknob as you're on your way to getting hit in the butt with the door on your way out.
Have you seen Michael Phelps swim in a shirt?
You see, when a man is making santorum with another, and he loves the other one very much, one might refer to the santorum-chute as a sleeve, and…
The funny thing is he's still wearing sleeves.
if you put this sweater in storage make sure to pack it with froth balls.
Your move, Ward Cleaver.
Meh. If keeping the "core" warm is what its' about, I'm holding out for the Hopey Haramaki.
That is the weirdest damn thing I've seen in a while. WTH is it?
You know, as an Old, I used to like wearing sweater vests. But the thought of wearing one now? Fuggedaboutit!
Thanks a lot, proudgrampa. (clutches sweater vests with a final sob)
Also old, I have a nice sleeveless fleece that I'm quite fond of. But I've never been much of a fashion plate.
4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Chances are Ricky will be out of the race before then.
We are all living for the headline, "Santorum Drops Out."
Preceded by lots and lots of "Santorum Slows"; "Santorum Loses Momentum"; "Santorum Surge Turns To Trickle"; "Slippery Slope for Santorum"; and the like.
I would rather have one of Santorum's sweater vests than, say, Newt's boxers or, god forbid, whatever absorbent rag-on-a-very-long-pole Chris Christie uses to swab the cheese from his folds.
He has "people" in Pennsylvania for that. Hell, probably even Ohio.
Well thank you for that.
Not. Eating. Ever. Again
Affirmative, I just lost my lunch….
Eugh! Eugh! Eugh! (hops about dramatically from one foot to the other)
He can't possibly reach far enough. I'm sure he pays people to do this.
Oh, my brain, my eyes, my lungs and liver!
Sweater vests? Not peanuts or jelly beans? Somebody in the PR firm handling Santorum's "branding" has one dastardly sense of humor.
Can you imagine what they smell like (not making santorum joke here, just his own aromatic melange of cheap dryer sheets, BO, cowardice and fear is enough)?
Probably some incense from a Catholic Church mixed in there, too.
And the faint odor of formaldehyde from refreshing the pickle juice in JarFetus' container.
Here lies Santorum's sweater vest
Food for moths
Nothing became it in life
Like the throwing of it out
I'm betting Marcus Bachmann has put down an order for 10.
Uh? Oh. Sweaters.
Love the kicker head…isn't that what comes out of Rick when he is done?
I hadn't seen his campaign logo before. I don't want to think about what's flying out of his hole.
Actually, the real hot item comes in a few weeks when the dead fetus hits eBay.
I believe the doll is now available. But too late for Christmas!
With a resounding splat!
TOO SOON
(he hasn't quit yet)
Oh, he will. Methinks the Talivangelists don't care for Catholics much. 'Bout as much as they don't care for Mormons.Damn, what WILL the godbags do? They don't *have* anyone else.
He's long dead, but i still fantasize Santorum paying Mr Rogers neighborhood a visit and Fred just goes crazy and pummels his frothy lily ass with kicks, punches, eye gouges, knee drops, ties his toes in knots, spits in his ears, gnaws off a thumb then strangles him with his sweater vest…Amen
Great fantasy, but in reality Mr. Rogers probably would have just said, "Ricky, it's not nice to be mean to certain people and treat others like they're more special."
OT: I knew a guy in Pittsburgh who used to do graphic design for Mr. Rogers. He said it was absolutely hilarious to go to review meetings and hear Mr. Rogers say to him, "That's VERY good, Jim."
True, Mr Rogers probably would take the high road.
Officer Clemmons, on the other hand…oh, what a pleasant thought…
Jeez. Can you imagine?
You're rather … enthusiastic about Santorum, aren't you?
Another campaign money-raising team is selling the arms that were cut off real sweaters to make them into vests.
Guys in sweater vests make me punchy.
As in, you feel like punching someone?
As in I feel like punching them. With my tiny woman fists.
When he's done with us, NO ONE wll be able to afford sleeves!
The One Percenters will.
I want one of Rick's fetus blankets.
Is there a color coordinated chastity belt and a bloody crucifix attached to it?
I wanna be sure its authentic.
I don't think these are going to sell very well; Rick's made a bad in-vest-ment.
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
My lease says no pets, but kitties are so cute…
I'm actually surprised Sarah didn't think of this first and start selling her glasses and bump-its.
I read that as glasses and bump-tits.
Which might be a big seller, you'd think Saint Sarah would be on that…
After Santorum drops out of the race, look for The Undefeated II. The Rick Santorum Story on DVD and Blu-Ray Disc.
Who knows that she didn't? There are lots of dark alleys in Wasilla at this time of year.
Does the sweater vest come on a wire hanger? I'm gonna need one of those when he's President.
Just stick to oral and anal only; that's the one form of birth control he can't ban.
Well, OK, he can, and believes the state should do so, but try enforcing that.
Anal spreads santorum! I'm totally getting that embroidered on a sweater vest.
Promise me you'll applique two slices of bread below it.
Toasted bread, with a picture of Jesus on the side.
Size Zero is available, you can clothe your fetus in a sweater-vest and then hang it in your closet with a wire hanger for display!
(Kind of a dark thought, even for me.)
Just stop sexin', and you won't have to worry about it. Abstinence!deit: Sorry, fuck Rick and his campaign. I'm not going to preach his Christian mantra for him.
But it worked so well for Brisket Palin!
The image of Ricky flailing away at one of his kids yelling, "No Wire Hangers" is too bizarre to imagine, but wouldn't surprise me.
*Demand has been extremely high for this item.
*our ass
if by "high" you mean "actively hallucinating"
If one person orders that rag, demand would meet *my* definition of extremely high for that item…
…and "high" is a good description of the mental state in which said customer most likely would be when placing the order…
Translation: De man has to be very very high to buy this moFo
Wow, talk about throwing good money after bad. Especially since a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "I'm a homophobic douchebag" achieves the same effect at about 1/10th the price.
If Ricky put out a tee with those words on it, his campaign would be rolling in dough overnight.
As my customary response would be oddly self-serving, I will simply say "Ewwwwww".
Frothy Mix/Sweater Vest 2012!!
Add a Mitt Romney pair of bell bottomed slacks and some Newt Gingrich white penny loafers for a wild night at the Dairy Queen!
Where you can pick up a woman with crazy eyes who won't put out.
Michele's back in LaLaland, already. Or wherever it is she comes from.
Fuck the vest! I want some magic panties! How much for magic panties, Mittens?
It's spelled "grAy," Frenchie!
Ron Paul has taken to wearing vintage Cosby sweaters, to curry favor with the blahs. He is also Jheri curling his eyebrows.
Ye ghodz!
The problem with his brows isn't their curliness, but their mobility. I'm thinking superglue rather than Jheri.
Made with sweater vest shop labor no doubt.
Wasn't John McCain also fond of the old sweater vest? Maybe Rick started wearing them as a sort of nod to McCain, but now that Gramps is supporting Romney (when he can actually remember his name, that is), Rick is stuck with it, like when you take a cooking class to be with a girl you like, who then promptly takes up with some OTHER GUY in the class but, to save face, YOU have to finish this STUPID FUCKING cooking class to save face, as I already said.
Or so I've heard.
Maybe that's what happened.
There are all kinda accidents that could happen in a kitchen. Let's try to think outside of the box.
Riiiigghhhhttt.
(backs away slowly)
This is good news for John McCain?
Jim Tressel would have ordered a dozen, if he had a job still.
You laugh, but after he becomes President it will be required wearing at all the compulsory Anti-Sex League meetings.
And the uniform for the kids being home schooled, which will be a requirement. None of that guvment schoolin'. All mothers will be forced to home school (whether or not they finished their GED) and unemployment will decline when women leave the workforce.
Bullshit! It's covering his 3rd nipple (the one that gets rock-hard every time he brings up sexy gay sex), don't be fooled!
Do they come pre-stained?
Change no one can believe in.
I have been getting these overwhelming urges to sucker-punch dudes I see wearing outlandish clothing in public, lately. I saw a frat-guy-like dude wearing a fedora in the grocery store the other day, and he had a folded-up dollar bill stuck in the band. It was all I could do not to cold-clock him, just for being a douche.
Dorksaywhat?
You should apologize – America's dorks don't deserve being compared to Santorum!
And here I would have walked barefoot to Palestine to touch the hem of his nether garment. And now I don't have to.
Oh for fuck's sake.
I'm waiting for the Ron Paul eyebrow merkins.
I'd look so good getting santorum all over my boyfriend in one of those santorum sweater-vests
What — no bowtie or argyle socks? I mean, if he's going to discredit an already-staid item of clothing, he may as well go whole hog.
Tucker Carlson? Is that you?
One hundred bucks and it's not even watered – down cashmere? Next!
I've drunk every nasty ass low quality beer in 8 countries, but I can't bring myself to drink another PBR. God that shit is awful.
You tried Carlsberg Special Brew? (A tip- don't)
Great. Now, if I want to run for student council and not get laid, my wardrobe is complete.
Me, I like sweater vests. Truly. For you fellows thinking this bit of cocktail casual is too square, au contraire mon frere! In vee neck configuration, it lends a subtle sexiness (I have no fucking sleeves, baby! that much closer to naked!) that pullovers can't touch. And for the young people, worn shirtless it's a great way to display your tattoos. Please don't tell me it's time to donate mine to Savers or be thought a santorum enthusiast.
Wife beater T-shirts have the same effect.
Yeah, but they don't keep you as warm. Also, youknow, you should be in shape if you're gonna wear those. Nothing like watching a flab apron flop out the bottom of one of those things, front or back.
What's with all the flags in the photo – Rick running for POTUS or King of the Fucking World?
And you should see him riding his fixie in skinny jeans.
Riding a fixie in any kind of long pant is a non-habit forming vice, as he'll find out when the chain/ring interface grabs the hem….
Handling any kind of powerful machinery in inappropriate clothing is a great reminder of mortality for the young and foolish. I had mine with a motorcycle and my widest pair of bell-bottom jeans. Nothing like an exhaust burn to send your ass flying over the handlebars. Good thing I had the helmet on, and good thing I missed the tree that suddenly appeared in my path.
A santorum sweater? This sounds like a term you'd find on Urban Dictionary.
Oh god, Gleem, please don't go put something utterly gross in there PLEEZ!
Hmmm.
Not likely that this will catch on, given his views on the actual fashion trendsetters nowadays.
Nothing says Brony like a sweater vest.
Dunno 'bout the rest of y'all, but I actually want added warmth on my arms and legs, like a reverse of a sweater vest and flannel boxers.
Unfortunately, solutions to this problem seem to really creep out the teenagers that I attempt to fondle. Not sure why this is. Suggestions?
Leg and arm warmers. Also, stop fondling teens.
Look, at least he's not selling spoonfuls of whatever it is in that jar on his mantel, OK?
I'll bring the patented Golden Bat of Clue and see if parting his hair with it helps him, you know, develop and such.
His sweaters make my navel all sweaty
I'm torn between two comments:
1. I'd love a bunch to line my cats' litter boxes but at that price, I'll have to pass.
2. You could felt them into dryer balls. Much better for the environment (and your skin) than Downey. I have 6 that I paid $35 for, like a year ago. They work great. I wonder what's on TV.
Yo, Rick, Imma let you finish, but Fred Rogers was the best wearer of sweaters evah…with the venerable Bill Cosby an honorable mention.
Madame Speaker, I move to have that last comment stricken from the record.
Unless, of course, Santorum can fill a Buster.
Old Spice is the AXE body spray for the WW2 generation.
do-do-de-do-do!
Hey, don't knock it, the geriatric chicks go wild for it!
That is really cute. It reminds me of the time I wore my GF's coat in High School.
But I had really thought that memory had been beaten out of me.
He's gonna be lyin' there with a shit-eatin' grin on his face, wondering what the fuck happened, you know.
Hold up, there. I've got mine in the bag.
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