gifzette daily briefing

Obama Wins First in the Nation New Hampshire Pre-Primary

HAPPY VOTINGNEW YORK—It’s Republican primary day in New Hampshire, and the nine registered voters of the tiny northern hamlet of Dixville Notch—who in their quadrennial tradition head to the polls just moments after midnight on election days so as to ensure the morning news shows have at least a few meaningless tea leaves to read off their teleprompters—have handed a resounding early victory to… President Obama! In what is widely regarded as a statistically precise sample of national voter sentiment, the President secured a resounding one-third of support in a crowded field, leap-frogging Republican rivals Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, both of whom who were tied for second with a mere 22% of the vote. Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul each secured a single vote apiece, while projections indicate that nobody will ever cast another vote for Rick Perry.

Elsewhere across the state, last-minute undecided voters are giving Newt Gingrich a second look after his flagging campaign received a big boost yesterday: the high-profile endorsement of renowned snowmobiler and former 1/2-term First Gentlemen of Alaska Todd Palin. This is the second big shot in the arm the Gingrich campaign has enjoyed in as many days, with the coveted Palin endorsement following closely on the heels of a $5 million cash infusion from union-basher, rather corrupt casino magnate and notorious dirtbag Sheldon Adelson. Gingrich has already pledged $3.5 million of that money on a South Carolina ad-buy targeting Mitt Romney’s predatory capitalism, a state where Romney has already flooded the cheap airwaves with $2+ million.

Gingrich has already produced what amounts to the Thin Red Line of campaign advertisements, a mammoth thirty-minute hit piece on Romney’s time at Bain Capital. The trailer is here—and, it’s kind of good? And if nothing else it’s certainly well-timed, seeing as there appears to be nothing that campaign watchers are more interested in talking about today than yesterday’s disastrous “I like firing people!” RomneyGaffe[TM]. The Romney camp was quick to qualify this remark as having been taken out of context, which: oh cry us a river. Because John Kerry voted for it before he voted against it, as James Fallows reminds us today.


What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. MozakiBlocks

      Now there's no need to insult "Jabba the Hutt". After all he did get Princess Leia in a metal bikini.

  1. finallyhappy

    what, nothing for RIck "gays are worse than murderers or rapists as parents" Santorum? New Hampshire- you disappoint me!

    1. LesBontemps

      Won't someone please run this headline:

      Santorum running behind Romney, Paul, Gingrich, Huntsman; NH voters disgusted.

  2. Negropolis

    Dixville Notch sounds like a painful, disgusting venereal disease. Also, so does "Newt Gingrich."

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I gots me some of that there Dixville Notch from Bunny down at the Crampsville diner. Old Doc Sumptner fixed me up good with some pennycilin but the rash my wife gave me is driving me up a tree higher than a hunted coon.

      Hey, you're right.

    2. Tundra Grifter


      While I tend to agree with you, aren't all VD's and STD's "painful, disgusting" conditions?

      I didn't realize there were some nice ones…

    3. MosesInvests

      Actually, I liked the Doonesbury cartoon from the 90s that said Newt Gingrich sounds like a creature from "Dune".

  3. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ah yes, the coveted Todd Palin endorsement. This changes everything.
    *Eyes rolling to the point of actually making noise*

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Next up: the riveting endorsement of Butch, your inbred second cousin from your dad's first marriage.

    2. Tundra Grifter


      Another "C" or "D" List celebrity that the GNoPee drags out to prove not every Hollywood star is a librul!

      Right up there with Jon Voight and his ilk. UpChuck Norris, also.

    3. PsycWench

      But who is Mark Sanford rooting for? Or Larry Craig? or Mark Foley? I thought these sex scandal GOPers would stick together. Literally, perhaps.

    4. Radiotherapy

      Meh, wake me up when TRIsomyG's endorsement comes in.
      BTW, the cybercensor still won't let the name that can't be uttered be uttered.

  4. Terry

    " while projections indicate that nobody will ever cast another vote for Rick Perry."

    Hopefully, that includes within the State of Texas, as well.

    1. DahBoner

      "Hopefully, that includes within the State of Texas, as welL"

      No, losing actually makes Perry more popular in America's Asshole

    1. YasserArraFeck

      "Vermin Supreme" – sounds like something cooked up on an oil drum by the Gourmands under a freeway overpass – like "Boot Stroganoff"

  5. freakishlywrong

    Why is the media treating Rick Perry as viable? Rachel hit it on the head last night; Buddy Roehmer is beating him in NH and the bubbleheads keep asking why he's still in the race. Why is Perry?

    1. Terry

      Perry is still in the race because he has a massive ego and believes that God told him to run. It's inconceivable to him that he won't somehow win the nomination.

      1. Negropolis

        Shelly believed the same voices in her head (and they were probably even louder than Perry's voices), and came in a similar place in Iowa, yet she kind of got the hint pretty quickly to drop the fuck out. I'm not sure what Perry's excuse is beyond the fact that he has a smothering level of stupid that is nearly impervious to reality.

      2. Geminisunmars

        Perry thinks "By-gum, if that Tebow brat has g-d's endorsement, I should stick it out to the 4th quarter, or even OT."

    2. fartknocker

      Because of Anita Perry's burning bush and Jesus told Rick to run. More realistically is that Rick is spending every dime he collects because when he returns to Austin, he knows more voters now finally understand how stupid and unintelligent of man he is. How this plays in the elections isn't known but he knows he has no credability.

      Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are laughing right now.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      The media isn't taking any chances — they'd written off Santorum weeks ago and then Iowa happened. The GOP nom process is like a box of chocolates from your great aunt — you never know what horrible crap is gonna come up.

    4. GOPCrusher

      Rick Perry ain't got sense enough to pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the bottom.

  6. vulpes82

    God, I can't wait until we can go back to totally ignored New Hampshire and its crazy hill people again.

    1. Terry

      At least the New Hampshireans have the candidates talking about the economy for the most part, unlike the Iowans.

    1. Negropolis

      You know, I must admit, I'd totally be lying if I told you that my schaden hadn't been freuded a few times over the last month or so. And, let me tell you, to have your schaden freuded feels oh so wrong in all the right ways.

    2. LiveToServeYa

      It'd help if they all took their bats and balls and went home to sulk at the end of the primaries, never to be heard from again.

  7. paris biltong

    Newt/Todd 2012.
    The mistake McCain made was to pick a woman as VP. Gingrich will not repeat it.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Curley = Newt (fat oblivious and hours of unintentional hilarity)
    Larry = Mittens (who is abused by everyone)
    Curly Joe = Huntsman (no one likes Curly Joe)
    Mean Old Man who gets pied in the end = Ron Paul
    Bitchy Old Lady who gets pied the end = Bachmann
    Extra who slips and falls on his head = Santorum
    Moe = There is one in the current GOPer lineup as smart as Moe… Maybe Obama?

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Apparently no one has seen fit to let those three Republican residents of Dixville Notch know that President Obama is blah/urban/near.

    1. Terry

      Now that I think about it, maybe Obama should have run in both the Democratic and Republican primaries. If he won both nominations, we could have saved ourselves a whole lot of drama when the general election comes around.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        One unfortunate by-product of your scenario, however, would be the dearth of snark fodder for us to feed upon here.

  10. slithytoves

    In what is widely regarded as a statistically precise sample of national voter sentiment, the President secured a resounding one-third of support in a crowded field

    Great! Can we be finished now, please?

  11. hollywooddood

    Todd Palin is okay, but I'm waiting to see who Joe the Plumber endorses before I decide. And maybe Kim Kardashian.

    1. Negropolis

      Did you miss the vaunted Kelly Clarkson endorsement? I mean, game over, dude. You don't need to know anything else.

      1. SorosBot

        Now who is Ruben Studdard going to endorse? Or whatever forgotten nonentities won the later Idol karaoke contests?

        1. Negropolis

          Now who is Ruben Studdard going to endorse?

          Why, Chris Christie, of course, a man after his own (enlarged) heart.

      2. Biff

        I was perfectly happy not knowing who the fuck she was, until SNL defiled my airwaves with her last week. Not what I thought, actually much worse than I thought. And the same people who voted for her on whatever lame-assed "talent" show she won will be the ones electing our president. And THAT scares the fuck out of me.

        1. SorosBot

          And she's the most successful person to come off that stupid show, which shows you how little talent the other winners have.

    2. freakishlywrong

      Kim the Kardashian will endorse what ever asshole promises her, and her inexplicably wealthy family, the biggest tax cut.

          1. spends2much

            That's practically the GOP pitch to the poors: "Hey there, catfood eater, you might hit the poweball one day, and you don't want the guvmint to take all yer winnings, do ya??"

  12. SorosBot

    "Gingrich has already produced what amounts to the Thin Red Line of campaign advertisements"

    So wait, is it long, boring and makes no sense whatsoever, but beautifully shot and so critics will gush over it and ignore how bad it really is, and even call it the best campaign ad of the year despite it being a horrid piece of shit like they all did with Malick's latest crapfest The Tree of Life last year?

    1. Negropolis

      Who cares if it's crap on the substance? Who is more deserving to be destroyed by, and smeared liberally with, crap than a one Willard Mitt Romney? Hell, if Newt physically poured a bucket of pigshit on Mitt's head Carrie-style, I'd praise it as high art.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      despite it being a horrid piece of shit

      Oh this made me laugh. How that movie struck a chord with some and tanked with others. One friend of mine, he went back to watch it I forget how many times — the # was in the teens.. Granted, he was of the temperament who was 'off his meds' without having ever taken any. I guess he persuaded me to find something to like in it, b/c I own it on VHS and usually upon viewing again now & then still find *something* worthwhile along the meditative, Victor Nuñez-style appeal its linked cross-sections of character studies brings.

      1. MissTaken

        I saw it twice. The second time because I figured I must've been really high or drunk because I couldn't figure out the appeal the first time I saw it. Turns out I was completely sober both times and it was just a horrid piece of shit.

    3. SayItWithWookies

      I just hope there's a languid shot of six-foot high sawgrass waving in the breeze while the blond narrator says in a drawl, "Why is campaigning so strange and terrifying?"

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, Cracker Barrel Farms just doesn't have the same ring to it, nor does Rancho Gringo Blanco.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Seems kind of silly, especially when you see his ads touting him as the architect of Reaganomics.

  13. BigDumbRedDog

    Today we are all Dixville Notches. Notchi? Notchites? Notchians. I'm gonna go with Dixville Notchians.

  14. Goonemeritus

    Thanks Newt for the opposition research I’m sure it will come in handy for Obama later this year. Of course by then you will be swaddled in your “Forever Lazy” crying into a half eaten tub of Ben and Jerry’s.

  15. mayor_quimby

    Hey, if you are by chance located in Israel, a You Know Who Else joke could cost you.

    New bill in #Israel would make it a crime to compare people to Nazis:

    We are all gonna be under the fuckin jail.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well, that would be the last time Glenn Beck visits Israel. He'll be lucky if he doesn't get Adolf Eichmann'ed to stand trial some night when he least expects it.

      [Oh, oh. Does this post count?]

    2. chicken_thief

      I'm sure that the Republicans will introduce a similar bill in the US banning comparisons to Kenyan Muslin Marxist Fascists. A-n-y day now….

  16. Guppy

    Wait… so Newt is running ads about how awesome Mitt is at capitalism? How is this supposed to help Newt in a Republican primary?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yeah. Newt's media people made several serious miscalculations in the current ad buy. He also has an ad suggesting that Mitt was delighted to hear about someone dying from lack of health insurance and disrespected the service of a gay soldier in Iraq. Talk about failing to know your audience.

  17. weejee

    So this erection day in NH the Rethuglican's will be selecting their biggest dick? Pass the Viagra please, I just can't get up for this one. Going back to my old avatar, sigh…

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Asked about his New Hampshire prospects, Santorum said, "In my dreams, second place. Given the fact that we're not running any media up here and that we've only just spent five days in the last month here campaigning, you know second place would be a dream come true.

    Oh bless your heart, Rick. You're finally embracing what it means to be number two.

  19. chicken_thief

    "…the high-profile endorsement of renowned snowmobiler and former 1/2-term First Gentlemen of Alaska Todd Palin."

    I, for one, am glad to see Tawd is taking a little time out from the hookers to follow current events.

  20. Chillwillard

    On the Republican side, Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman tied, with two votes each. Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul each got one vote. President Obama received his very first live votes of confidence — three of them.

    Fucking landslide.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Does NH have open primaries? I'd find it a lot easier to believe that three Dems somehow snuck in and voted for Barry, than to believe that 33% of registered Republicans voted for him.

  21. Indiepalin

    I'm not jumping to conclusions just yet. I'm waiting for the game-changing results from Bug Tussle before I make up my mind.

  22. neiltheblaze

    I have to say it's a lot of fun to watch the Citizens United ruling punching the snot out of Republicans first. First the pro-Mittens groups flattening Newt, and now Newt's minions with their "film". There's a piquant karmic quality about it all.

    1. Gainsbourg69

      It's even more fun watching republican peasants moan about the establishment picking their candidate.

  23. not that Dewey

    I love this, this is what America is all about. Like you said, no hanging chads, we didn’t see any black panthers with baseball bats. These were good, American folks going to do their patriotic duty and I think it’s fantastic, Dixville Notch is just a great little place.

    -Todd Starnes, on Sheer Insanity

    And yet Obama still won.

    1. SorosBot

      Psst, Todd, read the Fox manual again; you're supposed to couch your racism in code words, not express it openly.

    2. widestanceshakedown

      Is there some deity I might pray to, to ask that this ass-faced asshead is never ever put in front of a camera again?

      1. not that Dewey

        Yes, but that deity will be just as imaginary as the threat of black panthers with baseball bats at voting booths.

        1. widestanceshakedown

          Alas, I know this to be true, but that face is enough to cause an outbreak of faith. Thanks for keeping me real.

  24. donner_froh

    Even if Romney's "firing people" line was taken out of context, guess what: There is no context in a Presidential campaign. Everyone but Romney knows that.

  25. Chichikovovich

    Somebody will have to help me out, 'cause I'm too pressed with a deadline to look it up (my posting rate is down to a mere 59 per hour and dropping. This is serious!) Didn't the Romney people run a preposterously out of context ad a month or so ago, where Obama said something like "Absolutely, under no circumstances am I suggesting we should do x. That would be crazy. Nobody in their right mind could support that." and then the Romney people clipped the footage to Obama saying "we should do x"? And when the Obama people pointed out how stupid that was, Romney's response was basically – all's fair in politics, baby! I was wondering how long it would take for that to come back and bit them on the ass.

  26. Chichikovovich

    a South Carolina ad-buy targeting Mitt Romney’s predatory capitalism,

    I think the latest Luntz instructions are to call that "predatory job creationism".

    [Which in this case would even be extremely fitting, since the few jobs that Bain created, amidst all the job destruction, were jobs like bankrupcy specialists, security guards charged with walking people off site after firing, lawyers and accountants who figured out how to loot pension funds legally (or at least close enough to legally that no prosecutor would go after them), public relations people to put a happy face on the closing,…. Y'know: predatory jobs.]

    1. paris biltong

      And if not predatory, then at least parasitical, like the jobs created by say, drug cartels or – possibly – the armed forces. And for Gingrich's information, the gambling industry.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "predatory job creationism"

      Does this imply "intelligent design" in the charter of Bain Capital?

  27. Fawkdifiknow

    I like it that Rick Perry stays on the ballots in these primaries. Everyone should have the opportunity to not vote for him. Especially when you get no pleasure voting for someone else, either, it's some consolation to know that Perry is being humiliated like he should be.

  28. Dudleydidwrong

    Then there's this:

    where Mittens said Obama hired thousands of "bureaucrats" but most of the new hires were in the areas of care for wounded veterans, border security and anti-terrorism. Bureaucrats, Mittens, you ass-wipe extraordinaire? Since you like to fire people, when you are installed in the Mormon temple at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave you can fire all those folks and really get your jollies.

  29. spinozasgod

    Dixville Notch is the garden of NH because, according to Fox News, it doesn't have any Black Panthers…….I am assuming Fox is refering to the feline.

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess we're going back to two-a-days here at Wonkette.

    (Every time I post something whiney about the slowness of the posts here, someone puts a new one up, so here's hoping)

  31. KenLayIsAlive

    Where is Barb? If that cheap punk from yesterday made her feel bad and she's not posting today, there's going to be no upfists for that guy, ever. Just constant flame war. Like he is literally the santorum soaked son of Spanky2b and James O'Keefe posting comments defending Andrew Brietbart's dry humping of Riley Wags.

    1. SorosBot

      I doubt that lone asshat troll could scare off our Barb; he does make me wish we could still downfist a bit though.

        1. SorosBot

          The one on the Georgia school's racially inappropriate math questions; it's just one comment from the troll.

  32. Chichikovovich

    Oh, and no snark for a moment: In all the mocking of the Romney "gaffe" (= moment where he let the mask slip), there is a more basic point that is just run by. Romney's surface point/claim was that it is a problem with the Obama health care bill that it doesn't allow for competition among health insurers. In fact, it does allow competition among health insurers. That is one of the cornerstones of the plan. And Romney knows this because: It is Romney's fucking plan. Obama's plan doesn't tell you which doctor to go to (except indirectly, in that insurers may do this, as they did before Obama's plan). Romney knows this because:It is Romney's fucking plan. Obama's health care plan does not get the government involved in any way in specific decisions about patient care. Romney knows this because: It is Romney's fucking plan. Romney going on and on about all the things in Obama's plan he would change is fundamentally dishonest because: It is Romney's fucking plan.

    Is it too much to ask to have one – just one – journalist from the dreadèd ferocious "liberal media" point this out whenever Romney says stuff like this?

  33. SexySmurf

    O/T Snowbilly is going to appear on Larry the Cable Guy's show tomorrow. Oh how the mighty have fallen (I'm referring to Larry the Cable Guy, here).

        1. Chichikovovich

          I don't see a problem with that. Most of LCG's jokes were already considered worn out in the early days of vaudeville.

    1. chicken_thief

      Larry the Cable Guy has a show?!

      ***must "refresh" before posting…. must "refresh" before posting…***

    2. prommie

      Finally, an appropriate venue! They can say "Git'er done" at each other, and much hilarity will ensue!

    3. Generation[redacted]

      Yes, Larry the Cable Guy has a show, and for the first time it will have something we can laugh at.

    4. widestanceshakedown

      Once Ailes is done with you, you are done, done and done. She's bound for glory–holes, that is.

      That said, I'm so sick of hearing Newt's voice, or whatever that sound he makes is, I could almost use a Palin screech to clear my mind.

      1. chicken_thief

        Newt's newt voice doesn't bother me as much as Mitt's hurried, COPD-ish babble. He reminds me of a little kid, hanging around with the adults for the first time, who thinks of a joke and rushes to spit it out before the conversation moves on and the moment is lost.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          "who thinks of a joke and rushes to spit it out before the conversation moves on and the moment is lost."

          Kinda reminds me of me, posting here.

    5. Chichikovovich

      If it weren't for Jim Varney's untimely passing, LCG could have invited him to do that wacky, zany, laff-a-minute Ernest character. But he's stuck with the grifter of the midnight sun instead.

      Profound, really. A moment like this really makes you reflect on the many unexpected ways that death touches us all.

  34. ttommyunger

    Oh Tawd, you've spent too much time in Mama Bear's Honeypot. The crotch-rot has moved to your brain and now you apparently think someone gives a flying fuck what you say or do. Time to take a long "Snow Machine" ride off a short iceberg, sparky.

  35. Dashboard Buddha

    OT somewhat: Is it selfish of me to want the GOP to have a grueling, cash wasting, bloodletting of a primary season?

    1. SorosBot

      Not at all; hell I'm hoping for the almost impossible dream ending: no one makes it to 50% and we get a brokered convention.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Oh man…that would be AWESOME! Sort of like a '68 democratic convention but with walkers, hoverrounds, poorly spelled signs, colonial garb, and racism.

        1. SorosBot

          Then, as in 68, they could give the nomination to someone who didn't run in a single primary. Oh my, this could lead to a nomination for the quitter…

        1. Geminisunmars

          Apparently you have returned to your loving senses, so I take it back. Hope you will forgive me for saying (writing) such a dastardly thing.

  36. jus_wonderin

    “Forever Lazy”

    I got one of those sort of as a gag for Christmas. He does wear it (around the house only).

    Another friend, upon seeing the commercial where dudes wear the FL to a football games said, "Yeah, they do that and they'd get the shit stompled out of them."

  37. Tundra Grifter

    I read the linked article, and the "college football championship game" was just about as interesting as Ole Newt's campaign.

  38. gurukalehuru

    In a community with precisely 9 registered voters, I'm guessing every one of them knows who voted for Ron Paul.
    It's like when there's only two people in an elevator, and one of them farts.

  39. lochnessmonster

    Because they always pick the winner and that is Obama, can we do away with the rest of the nonsense?

Comments are closed.