DEPARTMENT OF WTF  5:00 pm January 9, 2012

Georgia School Brings Slavery, Slave Beatings Into Math Questions

by Liz Colville

4 x 8 = idiot

Georgia’s Gwinnett County School District is coming under fire after parents came across math homework featuring some really atrocious questions involving slavery. Two questions in particular — one involving the number of oranges picked by slaves and another about the number of times Frederick Douglass might have been beaten in a week — were apparently aimed at teaching third graders about multiplication. Nine teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary School insist they were “attempting to do a cross-curricular activity with a book the children had read about abolitionist Frederick Douglass in their social studies class.” Um, which book? These teachers might be decent at math, but they are terrible at social studies.

The offending questions read as follows:

Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?

If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?

No words. A school district spokesperson, Sloan Roach, has responded by saying, “We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

“Staff development.” How about SCHOOL, Billy Madison style. [CBS News]

 
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{ 477 comments }

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Eight slaves, multiplied by 3/5ths of a person each. Damn, math is hard.

Lascauxcaveman January 9, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Yeah, they're not supposed to get fractions until 4th grade, so these kiddies are a year ahead of the curve.

Yay, Georgia skools!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Oh, my. I couldn't bring myself to reply to this comment because I kept reading it as "get FRACTIOUS until 4th grade …" and wondering why you would say something like that.

PsycWench January 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

That's what the new Fucking Clueless Barbie says also. Other sayings include "The Civil War wasn't about slavery"

Redhead January 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Tits McCain certainly isn't new.

PsycWench January 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

You're not confusing her with Tits Gingrich, right?

Redhead January 10, 2012 at 8:07 am

Nah. The one who supposedly is 20ish, but looks 30+, not the one who supposedly is 50+ish but looks like a lump of melted plastic.

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

8 X 3/5 = 1%

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

If it takes two gallons of kerosene to light a cross, and the rally has four crosses, how many many gallons of kerosene must Johnny bring?

mookwrthwilson January 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

0. Don't you know that now we have a black president, there's no such thing as racism???

GOPCrusher January 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Wait? What? A burning cross is racist?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:16 pm

The Klan likes to use the correct term which is "a 'lighted cross'."

PsycWench January 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

not "thermally enhanced"?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I keep forgetting that the Messiah, Tha Tone, waved his Magic Negro black hand and changed it all overnight.

Jezus fucking Christ, I have heard more racism in the last three years than I heard in the preceding thirty.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm

It's not that there's more racism, it's just more audible.

The Dog Whistle is a GOP specialty. Code phrases of racism, always pitched to white people, can now be heard by all, instantly.

We are witnessing the death spiral of the Rethuglicans' racist Southern Strategy.

The GOP Southern Strategy was birthed by Johnson's signing of the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965. It was first used by Nixon in 1968. It was crafted by Lee Atwater, Carl Rove, and Roger Ailes. It turned the South from Democrat to Republican in one election cycle.

However, using racism to motivate white voters only works so long as white people are the majority… and the white demographic is shrinking.

The GOP Old Guard clings to a strategy which has worked for over 40 years. They are faced with the inevitable numbers of a shrinking white voting cohort and they are getting more desperate. That's why you see the blunders and walk-backs of their candidates — they have no better tactics and aren't likely to.

The only real "‘Black People’ Platform" these people have ever truly had is the auction block.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Agreed. I try to keep my cool, but periodically … man, it's almost as if these fucking morons WORK to make me lose it.

Once again, I am humbled by Barack Obama's ability to deal with these fucking monsters without wanting — or at least without SHOWING that he's wanting — to choke the living shit out of them. And he hears this shit a hundred times more than I do, day in and day out, with most of the shit directed at his wife. I don't know how the man does it. I'm just glad I have weed.

Bezoar January 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I think you are totally correct, but I still hold out hope that racism can diminish and extinguish within any good-hearted person.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Beaver Ridge Elementary? Do they graduate to Labia Middle School?

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

And then on to Clitoris High.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Classic answer! That, or Robert E. Lee Rim Job High.

jakegittes January 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Would that be a vocational school?

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 5:13 pm

No one has ever made it all the way to high school.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Yeah, most of them count 7th grade as their "senior year"

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Clitoris Junior High, then – that's about the time they start with sexin' their cousins anyway, right?

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Only the girls go to Clitoris Jr High. The boys can't be bothered to find it.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Right on the button!

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Then they enroll in the Allwhite Bible College. It's one of those new for-prophet ones, y'know.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Some of them even go on to Klavern Kollege.

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Every Spring, they celebrate Colonel Angus Week at Labia Middle School, during which his brave stand at Beaver Ridge is commemorated.

I just love Colonel Angus!

Rotundo_ January 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Wasn't he a competitor to Colonel Sanders? Colonel Angus Beef Curtains? Sort of like Arby's Roast beef, but with a distinctive blend of seasonings that make it Lip Lickin' Tasty!

finallyhappy January 9, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Christopher Walken- one of his best along with Cowbell and the Continental.

PsycWench January 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I've always been fond of the Census Taker one with Tim Meadows, myself.

Angry_Marmot January 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

What year do they declare their majora and minora?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I swear to god, there is nothing that draws yon Wonketeerz in like hentai talk about ladyparts. Buncha sluts.

Hey, wut? I never said I wasn't drawn in too.

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 8:19 pm

That's because ladyparts are great! They're much nicer than the easily-injured, hard-to-control long dangly parts I'm stuck with.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Don't look at me, dood, you don't see me holding back when ladyparts are the topic of, um, conversation.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Don't be ridiculous. We also like Monty Python routines, Lord of the Rings references, and Star Trek trivia.

Mind you, the Venn Diagrams for those and "familiarity with ladyparts" may not actually touch….

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I love me some pie.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Don't think for one minute that I didn't see what you did there.

ThundercatHo January 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I must give a shout out to my husband and state that all of the above plus an expertise with my ladyparts not only overlap but stack together perfectly.

UW8316154 January 10, 2012 at 12:43 am

Bacon, too.

CliveWarren January 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

“We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

May I suggest three times two kicks in the cunt?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Three times two? Isn't that, like, eleven?

comrad_darkness January 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Silly, three times two is two-hundred and twenty-two!

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I stand corrected. I was always late for my math classes.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Wasn't "Sloan Roach" the name of a rock band that Tootie and Natalie snuck out of Mrs. Garrett's boarding school to see in a very special episode of Facts of Life?

sati_demise January 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Really, that name freaked me out to the dark side.

With a southern drawl it sounds like 'slow roach'.

veritass January 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

7 oranges each. 12 beatings (no beatings on THE LORD's day).

NEXT.

bureaucrap January 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I'm afraid that's incorrect. It's TWICE AS MANY BEATINGS on the Lord's Day because Slaveowner Jesus loves corporal punishment.

veritass January 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Ugh. I always miss the trick in math word-problems.

flamingpdog January 9, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Was Corporal Punishment a member of Colonel Angus's staff?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:13 am

Listen, snarkmeister, I want to know what Dick's saying to your prairie dog in your av. Give, buddy.

flamingpdog January 10, 2012 at 1:33 am

I was wondering if anyone was ever going to ask! Darth is saying, "This is MY undisclosed location. Go find your own gopher hole. And take your monkeypox with you."

I seriously had to kick him in the nuts after he said that. I would have shot him in the face except that pds don't pack heat.

Chillwillard January 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

If that's public school, just imagine what Gerogia's homeschooling is like…

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Math problem: If you had a family of slaves with 8 children in it & sold half the children, what would you spend on the wedding to your cousin/sister/brother?

Veritas78 January 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Easy. One shotgun shell. Whut dew ah win?

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Just some dumb-ass school
Keeps Georgia on my mind

not that Dewey January 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

The Amistad leaves Havana harbor traveling at 19 knots. The USS Washington leaves Long Island traveling at 17 knots. How many white people were injured lost money in the ensuing struggle?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm

There's my good buddy, always with the really tricky historical math problems.

(hugs ntD) How ya Deweyin?

Indiepalin January 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Come on now, Liz. Even I know that you're making this one up…

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Drudge Report has become self parody, but the audience hasn't picked up on it yet.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Update our children's text books! Illegals pick our oranges now.

Chillwaver January 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Sound like a job for the Texas Board of Education.

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Excellent point, sir.

ETA: or madam. I presume too much, possibly.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

It's a sensible assumption; I have a male avatar.

Although . . . I could be a wooden horse head.

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Well, NOW they do!

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 6:54 pm

No, Barb's a cat; you're a little piggy.

finallyhappy January 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

They guy who drew the "on the internet, no one knows you are a dog" used to be a personal friend. Not a close one because I have no idea where he is now.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Keep up, son. Georgia done kicked them illegals out, so they're using *prisoners* now, and y'all *know* what *that* means, don'tcha?

FWIW, for every ten or so of these ignorant motherfuckers, Georgia has given us some fine, fine people whom some of us might count as friends.

Edited to fix typo, sheesh.

Dimitrios_M January 9, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Thanks to their harsh anti-immigrant laws, NO ONE is picking Georgia’s oranges.

Nor their peaches, grapes, watermelon or vegetables.

Joshua Norton January 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

The original text came from a Ron Paul newsletter.

Or was it Pat Buchanan's Christmas card?

Sparky_McGruff January 9, 2012 at 8:34 pm

I'm guessing that that text was recycled from somewhere. I'm guessing it made a transition from the ninth-generation photocopy to an AOL chain email around 2003.

Lascauxcaveman January 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

My wife is a teacher at a Catholic grade school. She has a little trouble when it comes time to do the the science-religion cross-curricular assignments.

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

And then God said, "Let there be light". And there was light. And it traveled 186,282 miles per second.

proudgrampa January 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

AND it has the characteristics of a wave AND a particle. It should be easy to tie that back to some cross-curricular BS.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm

It's just like the host being both the flesh of Christ, and a yummy cracker all in one.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I foresee a spectacular future for you as a math teacher in parochial schools around the country.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I had a friend in grad school who was an Optical Sciences major; he had a T-shirt that said "186,282 Miles Per Second: Not Just a Good Idea–IT'S THE LAW"

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I love geeky tees like that. Right now, mine just says "J'aime poutine," but that's because I have a Canuck friend who likes to buy me tee shirts.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 10:38 pm
SayItWithWookies January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Hint: it only turns into the body of Christ when nobody's looking.

Lascauxcaveman January 9, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Higgs Transubstantiation?

That sounds more like post-grad work at Notre Dame.

SayItWithWookies January 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

When it was just a thought experiment it was known as Schrödinger's Wafer.

BaldarTFlagass January 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

And in what way does Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principal affect the number of angels that can dance on the head of pin?

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

And there was a slight probability that, when you open the wafer box, it's actually a cat.

Chichikovovich January 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Schrödinger's Host?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Yes, but is it alive, or dead, when it goes down?

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Yes.

littlebigdaddy January 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Galileo would make a nice case study.

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Communion Mechanics?

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Jeebus gets two nails in his wrists and loses 500 ml of blood per hour per wrist, One nail in his feet bleeds at 600 ml per hour. Assuming the god man body has 5 liters of intravascular volume, how much wine will it take to resuscitate him three days later?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Keep pouring till he starts coughing?

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm

A nice Pinot Noir? Actually, I've always wondered, does white wine transubstantiate?
Necrophilia, it's not just for Catholics anymore.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I wouldn't waste a good Pinot on reviving an unconscious man, even if it wuz Jesus. Why wouldn't white wine transubstantiate? Would it have to turn red? I mean, it's the *symbolic* blood, right, just as the Host is not made out of meat but unleavened flour, water, salt, and oil, right? It's been a very long time since I did any reading on Christianity, although I have a few good books on the shelves on the history thereof. I always found transubstantiation the weirdest thing about Catholicism, and the hardest to swallow. (No, really.)

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

There are at least three million species of animal on Earth. How big would a boat have to be to hold two of each?

Biff January 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

40 cubits.

ShaveTheWhales January 10, 2012 at 2:10 am

I used to know what a cubit is.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:52 pm
PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:50 pm

So cool!

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Hey, as I recall from my early 20s double-checking before finally declaring my fundie-evangelical upbringing a bunch of b.s., the Catholic Church is pretty enlightened about science these days, isn't it? Don't they believe Genesis is metaphorical and consistent with modern cosmology and evolution, so long as God is the instigator behind it all?

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Yeah, they're good about recognizing the most obviously bullshit parts of the Bible as metaphorical and accepting some science at least. They even finally apologized to Galileo – in 1990. That's not true of all Catholics, though – see Rick Santorum, who is an unabashed young-Earth creationist.

wondering where i am January 9, 2012 at 11:12 pm

For the Catholics the only good bang was the Big Bang.

veritass January 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.

Staff development. Staff. Fucking. Development. For a start you could hire people that don't drive pickups with truck nuts and confederate flag decals. Or, alternatively, you could place your school on one of those jacked up trucks and drive it out of Georgia.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

"Staff development" = "We've got to figure out if any of these dumb fucks have one of those fancy dee grees in Edumacational stuff. Or some shit like that there."

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

You've worked for corporate America long enough to know how it goes. You make some dumbshit move like this. They write you up and put a copy in your file. They develop a "plan" to rectify the problem. It has to be signed off on by everybody and god, including your immediate supervisor and yourself. It establishes milestones. You meet with your supervisor at specific dates to determine whether the agreed-upon milestones have been reached. Bla, bla, bla.

Personally, I'd rather they just take the fuckers out and shoot them, but disposing of bodies is such a problem, with clay soil.

Schmannnity January 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

If it takes four sticks of dynamite to blow up a church, and Jim Bob wants to blow up 7 churches. . . .

Generation[redacted] January 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

(Extra credit) There are three colored children in each church. How many are killed or maimed?

comrad_darkness January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Extra Extra credit: if it's sunday school how many more pickaninnies will be there when the bomb goes off?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I have heard white people use the term "pickaninnies" to describe black kids as recently as 20 years ago. I'm not talking ignorant cracker rednecks, who actually get a pass on this shit from me because they don't know any better, I'm talking about highly educated, powerful professional people with good jobs in Corporate America. I guess they thought I wouldn't object because I'm not a black American.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Hell, in the 1986 governor race, Arizona even managed to pick a ninny who saw nothing wrong with that term.

SexySmurf January 9, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Nine teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary School insist they were “attempting to do a cross-curricular activity with a book the children had read about abolitionist Frederick Douglass in their social studies class.”

Jesus, I would hate to see what the math problems look like after the kids watch Deliverance.

(I know that comment doesn't make any sense, but Ned Beatty squealing like a piggy is the only thing I associate with Georgia.)

teatarded2012 January 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Wasnt Deliverance in Louisiana?

mookwrthwilson January 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I thought Tennessee.

Steverino247 January 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm
SexySmurf January 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

It was Georgia, but it's easy to confuse people from Louisiana and Tennessee with stupid, toothless, inbred, raping hillbillies.

teatarded2012 January 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

This explains why when traveling from nashville to ATL by car– my colleagues had these wise words of advice..
"Once you cross the Nikkajack, close your eyes,put pedal to medal and dont open 'em until you reach the perimeter". I get it. I do! Reminds me of that Revco song "beers, steers and queers".

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Geezus. I guess I'm not headin' to the South anytime soon.

mayor_quimby January 9, 2012 at 10:57 pm

No, no, you're welcome, just fly directly into a major airport (ATL) and never venture more than 2 miles from the MARTA train line stations. You'll be right as rain, and have your pick of some of the finest women (and I guess, dudes, if that's your thang) in the US.

Generation[redacted] January 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Wait until they get to WWII. Then they'll start doing some serious long division.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

My friend from Georgia assures me that it was not filmed in Georgia.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

"If your sister hasn't gotten her period in a month of Sundays, how long before your uncle gets out of jail?"

Schmannnity January 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Depends. Was there an ensuing marriage?

mrbubb January 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Goddamn, that's the best one yet.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Thank you, MrBubb!

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I bow to you and then upfist you for this.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Thanks LP.

Veritas78 January 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I was gonna think of this!

BlueMonkeh January 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Trick question.

Zero. Your uncle is also your daddy and your sister is also your mommy and the local law was the best man/father of the couple at their wedding.

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Your uncle-sister or your sister-sister?

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Really though, it's inappropriate for teachers to develop their staffs at an elementary school; that's what's gotten the Catholic Church into so much trouble.

Chillwillard January 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Billy Bob worked on his Bitchin' Camaro 4 hours a day for 10 years. If the Bittchin' Camaro is only half-way done, how many hours will it take Billy Bob to finish it?

Mahousu January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Trick question. It depends on how often his wife/sister asks him to take out the trash.

In other words, it'll never get done.

Chillwaver January 9, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I heard they "take out the trash" every nine months over there.

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Motherfucker'll never get to drive it to the Bahamas..

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Donuts on your lawn!

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Depends on whether it is parked in the front yard in the weeds, or the back yard next to the still.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Or next to trailer, right beside the "warshin' machine."

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Where the hail do people say "warshin" like that, dood? I used to work with a guy who felt obliged to tell me, about once an hour on the hour, that his Mom said "warshin." Why he thought this, I will never know, but apparently, he was convinced that his mother's accent held a peculiar fascination for me. (OK, he was fucking crazy.) So, where the hell do they talk like that?

ColonelDoctor January 9, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Kentucky. Really.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Bawlemer, Hon. Also, too.

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 11:05 pm

My stepmother's ma (step-grandmother?) was from McKeesport, PA (southeast of Pgh) and she used to say 'warsh'.

BaldarTFlagass January 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Depends on when you consider it done:
– when the bodywork is finished,
– when the primer coat is applied, or
– when an actual color (besides primer gray) is applied.

ibwilliamsi January 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

How about "Bobbie Joe left the trailer park five times last night. If she gets $20 for each "ride", how much money did she earn?"

"Billy Bob only got $60 from Bobbie Joe this morning. How many times will he slap her?"

"Billie Bob gave Billie Joe a black eye and split her lip. How long before she can leave the trailer park to work?"

kissawookiee January 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?"

I think the important thing to remember here is that at least the blah people were making their own lives better through manufacturing. Or something.

teatarded2012 January 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Priceless!!

kissawookiee January 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I stand corrected. The blah people were making their plives better.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

"I’ve done more in the African-American communities as a Republican than any Republican in recent memory.”

"Um, Mr. Santorum? Your 2 o'clock, the World's Tallest Midget, is here."

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

"I’ve done more in the African-American communities as a Republican than any Republican in recent memory.” — Santorum

This is another math word problem. Please show your work:

Repub = 0
therefore Santorum X (Republican in African American community) = 0
Although one could argue that the equation equals 0 squared

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Is that like pleather? A fake life? A santorum-laden life?

franco_pinyon January 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

I'm in Georgia, not far from Gwinnett County. This is probably their way of discussing the importance of "equality."

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

My sympathies.

SayItWithWookies January 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

If ol' Mr. Pritchard the overseer beats two slaves a day, how many months does it take before ol' Mr. Pritchard accidentally gets pushed into the bonfire they light at harvest time so's the slaves can pick cotton at night? And how long does it take before someone even notices and tells the master that ol' Mr. Pritchard has gone missing?

For this and other exciting math questions derived from charming antebellum history, check out my favorite collection of slave narratives, Weevils in the Wheat for stories heartbreaking, inspiring and completely horrifying.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Dear god. I suppose I'll put that on my reading list in case I get too cheerful over the coming holidays, or anything.

Thanks for the recom. How painful is it? Worse than even my neurotic worst fears? Or tol'able with drinkin'?

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

What holidays would that be?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Next Christmas, I reckon, with the size of the current reading list.

SayItWithWookies January 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's pretty damn awful in the sense that you probably already know how bad, but seeing the details just drives it home. There are lighthearded moments, though — for instance, an overseer does get pushed into the bonfire and killed during an overnight harvest and that lifts everyone's spirits.

Oh, and it's slave narratives told to WPA workers during the Depression, which means it's a collection of individual stories, some longer than others, but mostly readable in ten minute sections, so you can skip around.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Thank you very much, Wookies. It should arrive soon, although I'll probably wait a bit before reading it. Currently finishing some fiction, but next on the list is the account of a French survivor of the Tuol Sleng concentration camp. That should keep me cheerful (or suicidal, more likely) for a week or so.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

What is all this with "If eight slaves pick them equally." Sounds like they are promoting Socialism to me.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

True 'nuff. Whoever picks the most oranges should win, so the invisible hand don't whip him.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Two questions in particular — one involving the number of oranges picked by slaves and another about the number of times Frederick Douglass might have been beaten in a week — were apparently aimed at teaching third graders about multiplication.

See, there's the problem. We need some story problems that will teach Georgians how to STOP multiplying.

comrad_darkness January 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Given that HIV infection rates (along with every other health ill) are on the rise in the rural south in contrast to every other part of the country, me thinks they will take care of that with their own stupidity. Eventually.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

If Master raped two of his house slaves, but only one became pregnant, how long did he serve as President?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

That's easy: all the years he served. Just give me a A-plus , already.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 5:17 pm

From the comments:

"How many beatings did Frederick Get? …zero beatings because slave owners wanted their workers in the best of health so they could do the most work."

Another well-informed Rethuglitard voter speaks out against the distortions of the lame stream media.

**sigh**

mookwrthwilson January 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Read further. The comments are quite the collection of enlightened ideas…

fartknocker January 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Some of those comments are just sickening.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:33 pm

That's putting it rather mildly. Although in the interest of warding off heart attacks, and the like, I suppose mildness is warranted.

deanbooth January 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Sure, these questions are a bit crass, but I think they're a step in the right direction. If they had more math tests like this, we might have fewer comments like that.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 9, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Exhibit A

Bottom line, they mght as well go back to being slaves it is the only way those in the the cities will do any work and since we are paying thme with welfare we have a right to expect they do something other than produce children and do drugs.

Exhibit B

Q. How many liberals does it take to create a race war?
A. Apparently not as many as one would expect.

and finally Exhibit C

Blacks are the stupidest and most violent race.

In summary, Defense attorney Cletus McSisterfuck concludes that only blahs are racist and that this whole thing is just some liberals crying. Also, blahs.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Where do these people come from, that can't seem to stop thinking in these vicious, limited terms? I wish we had a cure for them. Short of offing them violently, that is.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 10, 2012 at 3:13 am

Supposedly it's education. Then I read things like

Bottom line, they mght as well go back to being slaves it is the only way those in the the cities will do any work

and really understand that these dopey fucks really believe this stupid bullshit. Where does that come from? It's not schools. It's the much-vaunted family and community which must be to blame.

It seems insoluble.

JackObin January 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Georgia divided by Mississippi minus Alabama times Louisiana equals Florida.

mookwrthwilson January 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

0/0-0X0=0

Steverino247 January 9, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Wrong. Division by zero is undefined.

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

If only said division by 0 made all of the aforementioned states disappear.

Beowoof January 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Well the aforementioned states are populated by zeros so there is that.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

VA would liked to be factored into that equation.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

A school district spokesperson, Sloan Roach

He'll be changing his name to "Sloan Waterbug" shortly.
~

littlebigdaddy January 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I lived in Atlanta for a couple of years and it was funny. No one ever said the word "cokroach," although we had them as big as banana slugs. They were the much more genteel "palmetto bugs."

BigDumbRedDog January 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Lazy slaves! It shouldn't take eight of them to pick one tree. No wonder they got beaten. Where the mexicans at?

CliveWarren January 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Did you children know..?
The area of a perfectly white hood is 1/2*bh…
Interesting isn't it?
Now get your bibles out and start studyaiting!

owhatever January 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Slaverying the darkies was declared against the law? Oh, yeah? When? Flippin' libruls..

LettucePrey January 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Frederick Douglass? He was the guy who debated Lincoln. I don't need no skoolin', libruls! I watch Foxx Nooz!

fartknocker January 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

And when they teach them about pi during the classes on geometry, half the class will answer that cornbread are square and pies are round.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

And that US of A pies are infinite.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:39 pm

What d'you expect, they've got moronic politicians yawping about the infinity of American pie right there on TV.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Well, it's Georgia, so really that should be Moon Pi and an RC Co'cola.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

If Master bought eight new slaves at $12 a piece, but kills two of them in the first week for fun, how much cotton at $.25 a bale must the other slaves pick in order to cover Master's losses from the two slaves he killed?

elviouslyqueer January 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Oh Lionel, that's Massa. And besides, he never does the actual killing. That's left to Ole Miss and/or the whiptastic overseer.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

You are so right sir. Showing off my northern breeding.

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

All of it, katie.

Biff January 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm

If they know what's fuckin' good for 'em, yep.

elviouslyqueer January 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Hmph. The only real shocker is that this happened in Gwinnett County and not in Cobb County.

And, of course, your move, Alabama.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Ah yes, Gwinette County. Named after Button Gwinett who had the most awesome name to appear on the Declaration of Independence. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Button_Gwinnett

Data Exactly January 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Lester Maddox was the Governor of Cobb County? The histoiez! They iz in my braynz nao!

Steverino247 January 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Some friends who live in Cobb County got a rude shock when the pastor of their church welcomed his wife one Sunday (bfefore she died, obviously). They had no idea where they really lived before that moment. They looked at each other and went "THAT Lester Maddox?"

On a lighter note, we were issued ax handles to use as riot control weapons (at an undisclosed location overseas) and even the black troops thought it was funny to call them Lester Maddox Specials.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I think desegregating the military was one of the best things ever to happen, because it allowed young men, black and white, to speak frankly and find friendship — and the kind of bond you form when you rely on your buddies for your very life is something nobody understands unless they've been through it. I wish it were possible to have an organization like that, but with peaceful aims rather than martial.

I know, I know, Who Needs The Peace Corps?

ttommyunger January 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

As a 40 year resident of Cobb County, Georgia; I can only say it resembles that remark.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Who would know better than you, ttommy?

ttommyunger January 9, 2012 at 11:42 pm

It's twoo, it's twoo!

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:09 am

All I can say is, you're from there, so it can't be *that* bad.

Mort_Sinclair January 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm

“We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

Seems to me that if these cracker-trash dolts are too dimwitted to see what was wrong with their "cross-curricular activity" without being told, no amount of "staff development" is going to fix that.

BornInATrailer January 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Each homemade Twinkie takes 1 slice of Wonder Bread and 1/6th a tub of Cool Whip. If Billy-Joe wants to make 2 homemade Twinkies for each of the 18 family members in his trailer, how many loaves and tubs will he need?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Also, how many 24-packs of Mountain Dew will he need so that everyone can wash down each homemade Twinkie?

spends2much January 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I am laughing so hard I'm crying. Thank you, BIAT, and, of course, Gwinnett County!

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Page 83: When simplifying this problem, think of the burning cross as an addition sign and the noose equal to 'zero'..

hagajim January 9, 2012 at 5:25 pm

If 14 Georgia rednecks got together to discuss race relations in the 21st century how many dumb assholes would be in the room?

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

All of them, Katie.

(Goddammit…it's like a fucking disease!)

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Fourteen. If you don't count all the people who will eventually read the transcript on 'Red State'.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

28?

CrunchyKnee January 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

If SkoalRebel made 20 bust a gut videos decrying Obamer, dip and "faggots" how many per subject would he crank out in between meth cookings?

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

True or False: A KKK hat is an example of an isosceles triangle.

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

trick question! It's a cone!

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Wrong! It's a Kone!

Spurning Beer January 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Land sakes! It's a Kohn!

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm
PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Live long and prosper, already.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

KLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHNN!!!!!

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Well there's your cultural crossover!

If a klansman wears a hat size of 7 and 3/4 inches, what is the volume of a his hood?

What is the optimal conic section to use to insure complete crushing of a clansman's skull?

BornInATrailer January 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Anthony faces racism from the local school board next on a very important Designing Women

Mahousu January 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm

If these questions were "based on a book about Frederick Douglass," why is there a question about picking oranges? Douglass was a slave in Maryland, which is not exactly known for its citrus. Or is this just to demonstrate that the teachers are ignorant of geography, too?

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I bet the first draft of the problem probably had "peaches" as the fruit to make it locally relevant, but that's the pride of Jawjuh, so they used "oranges" because everybody hates Florida.

torera January 9, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Not to mention which it should be how *many* [oranges], not how "much." Don't no hiztree, don't no jografee, don't no numbuhs, don't no grammer eithuh. But I kin vote cuz I got one ov them pitcher eye-dees.

Callyson January 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many backward idiots did he beat up in one week?
/fixed

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Your Uncle-Brother's still behind the goat barn makes 2 gallons of moonshine a day. It's your little sister's 12 birthday/wedding day. How many days will it take to make enough moonshine to ignore the fact she ain't a virgin?

Sue4466 January 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

As s resident of Georgia, I'm relieved we're keeping up with Alabama in the crazy today. Team Peach!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I deeply sympathize. No snark.

Sue4466 January 9, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Thanks. What you really don't want to do is read the user comments on the CBS link in the article above. It will make you want to fling yourself off a cliff. I'm sure these are the same people who say racism isn't a problem and who pray to Jebus with the same mouth.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I'm afraid some other commenter said something that made me think I had to, and so I did, and I most heartily regret it. I didn't think people that willingly delusional and hateful existed in numbers bold enough to actually voice such sentiments and put their names to them. I'm not sure what to make of people like this, except to say that the confusion between morality and the appearance thereof seems to be very severe with them.

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

How many servings are in a tub of Crisco?

Beowoof January 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Well if all you eat is real lard it is hard to figure.

smokefillednewyear January 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I thought the answer was 1.

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

All of the, Katie.

(sorry..it's been that kind of day)

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Trick question. Define "serving" because you can use Crisco for a variety of purposes & save it afterward.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Chicken grease to fish grease to grits grease to skin and hair grease to all purpose shinner-upper around the house. Sexy when used as a lub. Can be used on dogs hair too, or any 'pet type' hair.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I snagged my 4th husband while wearing a little dab of crisco behind my right ear.

Barb January 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

This says it all: http://i43.tinypic.com/14weiit.jpg
Go LSU!

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Not enough body paint.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I don't even know what I'm looking at, babe.

Mumbletypeg January 9, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I'm just thrilled some children still do their homework, or that homework is even assigned anymore. Maybe a little reading comprehension as exhibited in this fracas means it's not *all* bad news.

Beowoof January 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Hmmmm, I guess the teachers should stop beating off so much and they would have time to develop better lesson plans.

Steverino247 January 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Q: If Jesus has five loaves and two fishes, how many multitudes could he feed?

A: It depends on if he made fish sticks or not.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:10 pm

If the multitudes wanted to eat, they should've gotten jobs and bought their own food.

DemmeFatale January 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Yeah, and they should've eaten their own bootstraps!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

No, they gotta pull themselves up by those. Maybe they should eat the boots.

Oh, wait …

arihaya January 9, 2012 at 5:44 pm

the textbook material is discriminating against Blah people

kissawookiee January 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

To think I came into this thread expecting to read about another Fourth Wave-type social studies classroom experiment gone awry. Annnnnnnd no.

Generation[redacted] January 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

General Sherman needs fifty pigs a week so his men can have bacon for breakfast. A typical southern barn contains ten pigs. How many barns does he have to pillage each morning?

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Does this include the racist pig owner of the barn?

torera January 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

He counts as two.

Pithaughn January 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

If Minny puts her shit in every chocolate pie she makes, how many pies can she make a day?
Extra credit: Compare and contrast, the cost of owning a slave versus the daily wages of a Home Depot "Associate".

chascates January 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

It's not hatred, it's heritage.

And stupidity.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm

The south will rise again! (In the lists of the least educated regions of America)

Wonderthing January 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

But, I say, but, y'all are missing the point: Slaves AIN'T and never was "equal" and Frederick Douglass was only 3/5 of a person when he was a slave, so the math ain't NEVAH gon' work. How many times I done got to told you?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

"How many times I done got to told you?" FTW.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Harmony. It's "harmony times." Oh, shit, it doesn't work with an American accent.

littlebigdaddy January 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

If the county posts speed limit signs every 1.5 miles and there are 1,290 miles of highway in the county, how many shotgun shells is Cleetus going to need to buy? Extra credit: If his pickup truck gets 11 miles to the gallon, how much gasoline is he going to have to siphon?

DerrickWildcat January 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm

That is one tough High School.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Seems like you'd have to be pretty tough, or pretty high, to get through it. Especially if you're black.

Rotundo_ January 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm

It seems like so much of our modern educational material and methodology comes from the south these days. No wonder we are sending out millions of kids out into the working world as illiterate dunces unable to do basic computational math. Thanks American South for setting a standard for the nation. Texas, Georgia, all y'all are making the public more stupidder evree daey!

torera January 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm

now now, can't have johnny ted thinkin we're some of those leeetists…

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Youz speld it rong – stuppidder.

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

A Texas man's family consists of 3 grown men weighing at least 200 pounds apiece, his plump Scotch wife, and a 13 year old daughter. Can he feed them all breakfast with a goddamned little 12 oz. roll of Jimmy Dean sausage and 2 dozen eggs?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4RNb3tt0LM

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Ah, philosophy class!

"What is the sound of one man snapping?"

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

What is the sound of 12 oz. sizzling?

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I dunno, but it's a goddamned far cry quieter than 16 fuckin' ounces, I'll tell you what.

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Fuckin' little consumer geekaroid!

DemmeFatale January 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

I love that Maple and Sage flavor is a sissy "Northern" sausage, no doubt for
ee-lee-tists!

elfgoldsackring January 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

What did ah dun tole ya? No good comes a book-larnin'.

Bluestatelibel January 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Way to go Georja', keeping it classy as usual.

OT, but I just love me this Newt video slamming Mittens: http://tinyurl.com/7lx7fg2. Right now David Axelrod is asking Newt if he can pay for it using Pay Pal.

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That will be a good ad to recycle if/when Neutron Mitt gets the nom.

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Funny that all of a sudden the Repubs are against corporate raiders and unregulated Wall St. greed, srsly, WTF? What's the next step, pointing out the obvious that tax rates on the job creators are lower than ever?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Thank you so much. You totes calmed my hate-on.

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

So…it appears that the devil really did go down to Georgia.

mrblifil January 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Mitt Romney's dick is two inches long. Chris Christie's dick is one and a half inch long. How many horse and donkey dicks would they have to add to their own in order to be equal to the Obama's dick?

Extra credit: What about girth?

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

You're being much too generous to Chris Christie.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Pay no attention to the penis behind the fat roll.

Ducksworthy January 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm

This is merely confirmation tthat slavery wasn't that bad. And they didn't need food stamps.

comrad_darkness January 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

If only the douchebag teachers in Georgia are beaten twice a day what percent of teachers will get beaten?

Poindexter718 January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Sample cross-discipline math/science question from next semester, during the WW II unit: "If it takes 1 kilogram of Zyklon B to exterminate …"

BarackMyWorld January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

To be fair, at least they weren't using that "slaves were well treated because they were expensive property" non-sense the Confederate apologists are always pushing.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Read the comments to the article. Guess all those pictures of black people with scars on their backs were 'shopped… back in 1860.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Jezus! You are fucking *kidding* me, right? Who the fuck is saying that?

It's a good thing I have the blood pressure of a lizard. Right now I could pop an artery. Seriously, there are people saying this sort of thing? Would you mind telling me where? I need to go read this stuff for myself and see what their rationale, if any, is.

BarackMyWorld January 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm

There are quite a few fringe historical groups that support the view. Economic historian Robert Fogel, to a lesser extent theologian Douglas Wilson, and they get a lot of support from some neo-confederates and some state rights proponents.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Thank you.

BaldarTFlagass January 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Henry has enough Red Phosphorous, Iodine, Anhydrous Ammonia, and Lithium to whip up three batches of crank. If each batch takes 36 hours to finish, how many times can he fuck his sister before his little cook-up is done, assuming his cousin doesn't nark him out and the county sheriff's drug task force doesn't raid the trailer in the meantime?

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I can only imagine the math questions during the WWII cross-curricular lesson

Come here a minute January 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Fourteen. Seems everything is funny, but math is too hard for you, Wonkett.

fuflans January 10, 2012 at 1:32 am

this comment made me spit prosecco thru my teeth.

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

"President Roosevelt enters the war on the side of Hitler against the Soviet Union in 1939. How many Jews does he save by talking Adolf out of the worst excesses?"

–Chapter 1 Story Problem from the new Pat Buchanan Middle School Reader

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Trick question. The Holohoax was just propaganda!

hilbillyheroine January 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

We have so many good comments. Yet, "Barb", who obviously has nothing else to do but sit and refresh the page, makes the top comments. Half the shit this twit writes isn't even funny. This is the new standard for Wonkette? Are you serious?

natoslug January 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm

It is. Now go back to creating your "cross-curricular activities."

Harry_S_Truman January 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

On the other hand, I'm sure they'll be reading and studying your writing long after they've stopped doing likewise with Shakespeare's . . .

. . . but not until.

BaldarTFlagass January 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Somehow, I don't think your comment is going to generate a lot of excitement here.

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm

You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't think you'll find many sympathetic ears.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

We don't beat on Barb because she is valuable property and it would cost too much to replace her.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

We don't? (puts away paddle)

Damn, I knew I shoulda read the rules.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

This is the trope that is part of the New South's denial of racism, that there was no beating of slaves because of.

It's right up there with saying the Old South was not founded on slavery.

From the March 21, 1861 policy statement of Alexander Stephens, Vice President of the Confederate States of America, entitled African Slavery: The Corner-Stone of the Southern Confederacy, and easily googled:

"Our new government [the Confederate States of America] is founded upon… the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man. That slavery – subordination to the superior [white] race – is his natural and moral condition. This – our new [Confederate] government – is the first in the history of the world based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth."

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Don't forget the spurious claim that large numbers of slaves took up arms in defense of the Confederacy…

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Thank you for the cite, nonetheless. Providing adequate cites is an excellent habit.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm

It's the same juvenile thinking that went behind the creation of the "No Homers Club" in the Simpsons, it just sounds more Romantic in the original Racist.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Excuse me, who the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you twatting around here for? I wasn't aware that you were in charge of setting standards. Disirregardless (and you can put your grammatical critique of that straight up your arse and give it the old two-fisted shove), I have no intention of adhering to them, so kindly fuck off and die forthwith.

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Who the fuck gave this troll six upfists? Srsly, Barb is the doyenne of the Wonkette Kommentariat. She's amazingly quick witted, gracious and grateful.
Accidental, jealous or troll upfisting is the only answer.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Agreed. Barb is lovely, and much-loved by all, and with excellent reason. When I first got here I was all elbows and thumbs, and she showed me kindness that I will not forget. She's always been sweet and gracious to me, and trolls harass her at their risk.

finallyhappy January 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

So which of the teachers are you?

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Oh, dear…I'm sorry, no, the correct answer is actually "Go Fuck Yourself, You Fucking Idiot, and Who Forced You at Gunpoint to Read This Blog Anyway, You Fucking Snotweasel?"

But thanks for trying.

DemmeFatale January 9, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Thanks, Doc!
(Only a fucking fuck picks on our beloved Barb!)

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Wonkette doesn't allow comments

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Best.

Also, "No one has lost any "

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

PS: YOU ARE FLITH

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:04 pm

I'm putting that in my lexicon.

Did you ever read Old Filth, by the bye?

Chichikovovich January 9, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Hi Mz. Heroine:
I hope you won't mind that I took the liberty of checking out your contributions to International Wonkettery, and certainly I don't want to criticize – de snarkibus non est disputandum, as the Latin Americans say – but you might want to work on your game a bit before you can expect the $50 a post that George Soros pays Barb.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Brilliant, Chichikovovich!

sati_demise January 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Sounds like a "Joke Off" is in order here.

Sunrise, at the park, at ten paces.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 9:59 pm

What's with all the being a total dick?

mrblifil January 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Barb is funny. Shut up. We none of us will probably ever get the chance to nail her, this being the anonymous internet and all, but your odds just went way the fuck down. S'all good. If she ever does decide to give it up, I'ma have somma your slice.

natoslug January 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

In a way, this is a step forward. All their previous cross-curricular activities had to do with accelerants and how to get the damned things erected and lit before anyone caught them.

Data Exactly January 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

No reason to do any math – too backwards to face the front of the class.

smitallica January 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Q: If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?
A: Not enough, clearly, Amiright? Amiright?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Words fail me.

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

From what I know about you, Palz, this must be a first.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

It was, darlz. I recovered shortly thereafter and made my plaint in no uncertain terms. I'm still boiling.

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Math is hard.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Not nut-punching some people is often harder.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Words fail. Buildings tumble.
The ground opens wide.
Light beams down from heaven.
She stands before my eyes.

She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me…

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I'm afraid the reference escapes me, dear.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Wait, no, they don't. I don't even understand the purpose of this. What is the *sense* of introducing so fraught and painful and complex an issue as slavery into so mundane a subject as math? Will we be hearing about vaginas and abortions and anuses and santorum in math problems, next? Forming sentences having to do with genocide of the Native tribes? Calculating how many purses we can make out of Native women's genitalia if each "squaw's" genitals furnish the wherewithal for two-thirds of a coin purse?

These people are fucking sickening!

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I'm thinking Tebow word problems are next. e.g. if The Bronco's are getting 7 points, how many prayers does Tebow have to say to cover?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I'm thinking I could do my constitution a world of good by hieing my gimpy ass thither and giving each and every one of those dumb fucks a hearty one-legged asskicking, is what I'm thinking. Dayum.

rocktonsam January 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

So these southerns are acting as though slavery was a bad thing?

proudgrampa January 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

OK, people. You all missed it. The answer is 42.

Look it up.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 9:42 pm

You're a hoopy frood who knows where his towel is.

MzNicky January 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Oh, y'all are just elitist Yankees with your fancy math and all, plus YOU're the REAL racists!!

If you'll excuse me now, it's past my drunk time.

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Decidedly off-topic: what an adorable dog you have in your avatar!

MzNicky January 10, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Why thankee m'am. That there's Tilly, mah pitbull/hound dog mutt. She rules the household.

Biff January 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I thought Georgians multiplied peaches?

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Actually, they do have a point. Seven straight days of beatings WOULD make one weak.

elfgoldsackring January 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Boom boom!

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Everything I ever learned about humor can ultimately be traced back to Weekly Reader.

not that Dewey January 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm

"Doktor, I have a weak back."

"when did you first notice this?"

"Oh, about a week back."

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Doctor, it's the weirdest thing, I think I'm a dog!

How long have you had this problem?

Ever since I was a puppy!

Well, lie down on the couch and tell me all about it.

I can't! I'm not allowed on the furniture!

not that Dewey January 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

We need the eggs!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

That is SO my favourite joke!

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Guy goes into a doctor and says he has a problem with his junk.
Doctor takes a look, winces and says "where have you been sticking that thing?"
Patient says "in beans."
"In beans??!? what kind of beans?"
"Human Beans."

finallyhappy January 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Hey, that is what the guy from Alabama told me about our exhibit on Race- we don't understand the South. For sure, that is correct- I do not understand how anyone could own a slave or continue to hate black people for so long.

elfgoldsackring January 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Well, bless their hearts! [That's Southern for something really insulting, right?]

sati_demise January 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm

why yes, yes it is, sugah.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Whatever idiocy is exposed by the article doesn't even come close to the ferocious idiocy expressed in the comments. Good god.

That should be the fucking story here. Someone should write an article about the comments. Amazing.

Bluestatelibel January 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Someone could write a story about the comments, but then there would be comments about the story on the comments, and on and on…The interwebs, they make my head spin sometimes!

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

We are through the looking glass here people!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

No shit. I'm still reeling. THIS is why we can't have nice things, America. Srsly.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Yeah, what a fucking dump. And this is CBS, this is mainstream, it's not like its stormfront or something. And it is 95% the lowest racist crap you've ever heard.

Really, the human race just needs to get like one more notch up on the evolutionary scale, or we won't make it another 1000 years.

Chichikovovich January 9, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Absolutely agree with you there. The comments are so hateful and Cement head stupid that … Really, there's nothing to be said that can possibly convey it short of just reprinting them. Which I'm glad none of us is going to do.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 8:52 pm

*Click*
"Hah, Y'all, this iz Jawjah! Waer not haome rait naow, but if'n yew leaves uz a lil' ol' message 'n yer phone number after the beep, we promise we'll call y'all rait back!"
*Beep*
Good Afternoon, Georgia. It's come to our attention that you've been misbehaving, acting out and generally making a pain in the ass out of yourself lately. We wish to remind you of our agreement all those years ago and strongly encourage you to straighten up.
Don't make us come down there again. That march to the sea was unpleasant. For everybody. Sincerely, The Union.

GeorgiaBurning January 9, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Not exactly everybody.

KenLayIsAlive January 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Part of my favorite Lincoln Speech, 1859 (edited): "There is one other thing that I will say to you…. It is but my opinion, I give it to you without a fee. … We, the Republicans and others forming the opposition of the country, intend to "stand by our guns," to be patient and firm, and in the long run to beat you….

We know that you are "all of a feather," and that we have to beat you all together, and we expect to do it. We don't intend to be very impatient about it. We mean to be as deliberate and calm about it as it is possible to be, but as firm and resolved as it is possible for men to be."

Ah, and I love leaving the "We, the Republicans" because it shows how times have changed – because I guarantee that every last one of those racist pig commentators self identifies as a Republican.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Sir, this is a family show.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Thank you. A remarkable man, all kidding aside. Presided over the catastrophic sundering of a nation, ran a domestic war, lost a son, saw his wife descend into madness, fired generals, stood for election in the middle of a civil war – and won – and those are just the things I can remember.
Whenever I think of Lincoln I can't help but see that last picture he had made of himself. sitting in the President's Mansion, South surrendered, war over. Just the hint of a smile, for the first time. He looked so ravaged. Later, he went to Ford's Theater, to have a well earned night off.
And…"We the Republicans" and "Stick to our Guns" mean almost the exact opposite thing these days. I like the older definitions better. Much better.

a_pink_poodle January 9, 2012 at 9:08 pm

448 oranges and 14 beatings. They're not that hard

user-of-owls January 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I just have to say something here. An abomination like this and shit like campaign ads featuring armed dullards and shrill harpies would be soundly thrashed in the public arena here in fucking Arkansas.

And you know, this is really not something you want to put on your fucking resume Georgia and Alabama. It just really isn't.

not that Dewey January 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Sure, I'd be happy to expalinz howl I'm deweying.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Howl, is it? Not that Deweyin' howlishly would be unlike you, and all, but I thought that was our avian friend's preferred mode of communication.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Pretty damn surprisingly good, despite the usual physical pissing and moaning. And your good self, my fine-feathered friend? Did I mention 1491 arrived?

flamingpdog January 9, 2012 at 11:40 pm

You're only 521 years behind, Palinz. What did you say they operated on again?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

It's a book, darlz, which is why I italicized it. User-of-owls either was or still is reading it, and recommended it, and it now sits on my shelf waiting for me to get around to reading American (as in, of the American continents) history. Which will probably be around Xmas, when I take a lengthy reading holiday.

user-of-owls January 10, 2012 at 12:24 am

Yeah! Happy reading!

Me? Paddling furiously along the wondrous river of life. Sometimes my arms get tired, and I hurt. Sometimes the currents carry me along and let me see the beauty, and I feel joy.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:32 am

It makes me very happy to hear that. Success, victory, hug.

I know you don't mean "HAPPY" reading. Although it's probably the kind of thing I will greatly appreciate, I suspect it's going to be extremely painful to read. Tell me true.

user-of-owls January 10, 2012 at 12:48 am

No, I really don't think so.

Then again, I read stuff like this for a living. [That's just an excerpt...the book runs more than 300 pages.]

And in fact, I write stuff like this for a living. And no, I won't tell you which chapter is mine. Life needs at least a bit of mystery, no?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:55 am

That is the kind of book that inspires a reader to learn more. I must haz.

I have now looked at the second link. This also I must haz.

You will have your mystery, sir, and I will have my books. Thank you. It is a real pleasure to me to be on the receiving end of your literary and intellectual recommendations. I do suffer a great deal from reading about the sufferings of others, not that this has ever stopped me, but I can already tell that I will greatly enjoy all these books while also greatly suffering through them. Still, thank you very kindly. I look forward to more of such brain orts as and when they occur.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm

How the freak did they git them trees to grow oranges so evenly? How many trees total, how many slaves total.

I seem to recall the "Magic ne'grow Oranges" in my stocking every year at Xmas.

Fredrick git beat Twice daily you say, WTFreak was he doing, and were these beating at the same time each day, for the same length of time, for the same reason, by the same person? What, was he your 'go to' slave for beating

Hey Toby, my ancestors beat you ancestors azz.
Hey Susan, my grandDaddie fucked your grand mamma, we're related Cous'

I needs to know shit like this
I feel a MINI SERIES coming on.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:33 pm

He wouldn't happen to be an ex-VN vet with a particular hatred for "gooks" (and a fondness for that word), would he?

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Using Black people in math problems ALWAYS a bad move.

Number of slaves: 8
Number of trees: 400
Slave owner Profit: Priceless

I fucking hate orangeJuice

BarackMyWorld January 9, 2012 at 10:54 pm
DahBoner January 9, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Used to be a "Liberal" in The South was someone who beat their slaves with insufficient fervor ….

Negropolis January 9, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Keep fuckin' that chicken, Georgia! Remember, though, racism doesn't exist, anymore!

What, no insensitive math questions on the Irish potato famine or the Holocaust? Racism FAIL.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm

They're gettin' around to it, I'm sure.

glamourdammerung January 10, 2012 at 1:42 am

I doubt that given the rich history of bigotry that the Irish and Scots contributed to the South.

Negropolis January 10, 2012 at 8:12 am

lol, I was going to say that they'd probably skip over the latter, but they'd definitely make sure to hit up on the former. Of my own significant European background, most of its Scottish…and not by consent or choice if I'm to be honest.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I haven't read much about the history of the Scots in the South, but many of the Irish who arrived there were indentured servants or slaves themselves. Irish women would sometimes marry black slaves because slaves could always be manumitted, whereas indentured servitude could last over the lifetime of the indentured person and extend into the lifetimes of their children.

I'm afraid I can't give you a more exact cite on that, I read it over 20 years ago, but I just Googled it to make doubly sure, and there are references to it on Google, although not to the exact document (which, IIRC, was a discussion on the legal rights of African-Americans throughout US history).

Negropolis January 10, 2012 at 10:07 pm

It was mostly Scots-Irish/Ulster Scots (as opposed to the just plain Scottish or Irish) aristocracy were overrepresented in the plantation economy, though, Protestants of either the Scottish or Irish were also represented pretty well in that class, as were lots of family in the North of England. The Irish Catholics were poorer and basically slaves, themselves, so, yeah, not so much for them. But, this region of the islands definitely brought over some particularly brutal, racial ideologies.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 11:12 pm

You heard of high tech lynching, well this is worst.

ttommyunger January 9, 2012 at 11:14 pm

You think the Math is strange, you should get a peek at the English Lit. curriculum. Required reading is pretty much limited to the Book Genesis and Song of the South.

tealsheart January 9, 2012 at 11:52 pm

Another meaning of 'cross-curricular activity' is teaching what the KkK teach

Local_Mojo January 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

Only 5% of the students and faculty at Beaver Ridge are white, so these were almost certainly written by an Hispanic or African-American teacher.

glamourdammerung January 10, 2012 at 1:44 am

Still not as bad as most home "schooling" books on "history" with regards to slavery and how much the slaves supposedly dug it. Which makes all the beatings and odd legal issues to keep them on their plantations seem a bit strange.

BZ1 January 10, 2012 at 1:45 am

"to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers," I don't know, common sense??

snoopyfan2010 January 10, 2012 at 7:01 am

Just imagine what would have happened if they were reading about the holocaust instead. Bad math indeed.

Crowe2011 January 10, 2012 at 10:42 am

It's the bad grammar which is the most offensive, surely. "How MANY would each slave pick", please. Have some standards amongst your Lost Cause nonsense.

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 5:23 pm

That almost makes me feel sorry for the Southern girls; no wonder they're so angry all the time.

Dashboard Buddha January 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Well played…miss…well played.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Ouch!

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Not just the South. Here in California men think it's as mythical as Bigfoot or a smart Kardashian.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

FakaktaSouth's gonna come in here and kick y'all's ass.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Please. If the clitoris really existed, just where on my body is it then?

Chet Kincaid January 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Ahem – I have Sherpa training.

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

It's not that hard to find – come on, fellow men, step up and do your duty, learn to properly use your tongue and fingers!

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Um … what part of California, dear? (leers at MissTaken)

I will say this — men of my generation weren't supposed to know about it, or any of that other icky stuff. Maybe you just need a younger group of men to select from.

Loaded_Pants January 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Is our children larnin'?

tealsheart January 10, 2012 at 12:00 am

Yes! Hate

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Donn no nuthin' bout grammer, do ya? Its: R r chillun larnin'?

emmelemm January 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

1. My fee-fees R hurt!

2. How do you know I'm not a cat pretending to be a pig?

Veritas78 January 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

You don't get this caliber of comments at RedState.com. Jus' sayin'.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 9:09 pm

If you try to measure them, you'll never know.
-or-
"Outlook Uncertain, ask again later"

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 7:36 pm

You don't get much beyond spittle-flecked grunts, IIRC, although it has been a while.

MissTaken January 9, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Wonkette: Where the sexiness of science intersects with the playfulness of politics.

flamingpdog January 9, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I don't ever hang at RedState.com, but I get the impression that a lot of their statements are of the 22- and 45-caliber sort.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

R R R.

Or, if it's Talk Like A Pirate Day, Ar, Ar, Ar.

CapnFatback January 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Or, for that matter, who he is now.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

On the Internet, nobody … oh, shit.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

You're making me leer at you meaningfully, again.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm

"Near the end of the war, [Judah] Benjamin [Treasurer of the CSA] privately persuaded Robert E. Lee and other Confederate military leaders that the South’s best chance was to emancipate any slave who volunteered to fight for the Confederacy. When Benjamin repeated this proposal to an audience of 10,000 persons in Richmond in 1864, his remarks lit a firestorm. Georgian Howell Cobb observed, "If slaves will make good soldiers, our whole theory of slavery is wrong." Benjamin’s idea, however valuable, was rejected as politically impossible. As Evans observes, 'The South chose [instead] to go down in defeat with the institution of slavery intact.'"

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:08 pm

That, I have heard, and have not yet amassed sufficient information to adequately refudiate (thanks, Scarah!) the charge, although I'm personally convinced it's ludicrous, to say the least.

sunmusing January 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Well said PD…..roll a fattie for me too.

flamingpdog January 9, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Hey, I hear rumors all the time that Barry has taken up smoking again, but maybe it's not tobacco this time.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 8:53 pm

(snicker) Perfect.

Spurning Beer January 9, 2012 at 9:05 pm

That Jew-boy Benjamin was lucky his Hebrew hindquarters didn't get blowed up after that bullshit.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Amusing. So they preferred death and defeat by their own stupidity and suspiciousness over a possible victory by finding common cause and revising their theory.

You will doubtless be amused to hear that the British did the same with their colonial "possessions" in Southeast Asia. Rather than warn the local people and arm them against the expected invaders, they chose to lull them into a false sense of security by creating, and spreading the myth of, "Fortress Singapore." In the end, their own belief in their myth caused the fall of the island, which was a nerve center of communication and administration in the British Empire. That was the undoing of that empire.

Geminisunmars January 9, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Ey, Matey.

sunmusing January 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm

somewhere near the G-spot, I think. Is this a trick question?

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Nice to see you back, dood.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Ladypie, especially, eh?

Radiotherapy January 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Either way it's fucked up. If you think they really become the body and blood of the X man-god or it's just a symbol — of what, necrophilia? God, I hate religion.
One more thing, what if the wine is a Rosé, is that OK?
And don't even get me started on Talmudic Law..

WootInTarnation January 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm

That's why they sell 2 Buck Chuck.

flamingpdog January 9, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Makes you wonder if you can be a practicing Catholic and be a vegetarian/vegan.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Hey-o, pretty lady.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:43 pm

…cringe…

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Thank you, mon ColonelDoctor. At least I'll go to my grave knowing, now.

Isn't it peculiar, the things we come across in life that titillate our curiousity.

memzilla January 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Something I learned back in the BBS days: providing citations saves bandwidth. It instantly ends the "nuh-UH" responses.

Here's another interesting citation. Speaking of Racial Gerrymandering, initially addressed by Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, here's a map of those regions with a history of voter discrimination.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I just don't particularly like the idea of *eating* the divine, much, either. Christianity seems like a dreadful celebration of pain and death and suffering and blood and sacrifice. Perhaps it's my own eccentricities, but I've always thought religion a matter for philosophy, not gruesome emotional symbolism.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Why, thank you, C_R_Eature! You might actually be correct, since the fellow wage-slave would often invoke DC as an example — you know, "Warshington," and all.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:34 pm

For Jeebus-reviving? Dang I'll be sure to put in a bottle or two. Never know when The Man might turn up on your doorstep with all these raving fundy loonies invoking him on a daily basis.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Transubstantiate Me, Dead Man!

not that Dewey January 9, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Especially the way Woody Allen tells it.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Speakn' frum xperienz, Hon.

"We gits our warter frum the zink", too.

SorosBot January 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I have family from there, and accidentally picked up "Warshington" along with the likes of "wartch" and "warter" as a kid, but managed to train myself out of it later.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 10:43 pm

providing citations saves bandwidth. It instantly ends the "nuh-UH" responses.

No it doesn't.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Thank you very much, memzilla. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

KenLayIsAlive January 10, 2012 at 12:12 am

Nice to see Brooklyn on there.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:53 pm

All I can hear is Frank Zappa, What's New In Baltimore. And yeah, that "Hon" business. It's cute when old ladies do it, though. Especially tough old waitresses with bleach-blonde hair and them rhinestone glasses and wearin' them pearl clips …

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

This is Fighting. You want Argument.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

The first time I went to Canada it was only two weeks before I started saying "hoose" "oot" and ending every sentence with "Eh?" People thought I was born in Ontario. Didn't take long. Maybe it was the 'shine. Or the Tim Hortons…

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I pick up all these little speech glitches wherever I go, and I never can manage to drop them for years. Lucky you, at least you're trainable. I think I might need more rewards.

C_R_Eature January 9, 2012 at 11:08 pm

There used to be a guy called the "Hon Man" that would regularly stick a "Hon" sign on the "Welcome to Baltimore" road sign on Rt 95. Every time the state road department took it off, he'd sneak back & put it on again. Baltimore's like that.
Frank is a minor god in Baltimore. There's a bronze bust (the twin of the one in Vilnus, Lithuania – Baltimore's sister city) outside of a public library in town and August (the 5th, I think) is officially Frank Zappa Day. Seriously.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!
So get down upon your knees
Fiddle with your rosaries …

ah, hell, I forgot you probably have ALL his lyrics by heart.

Negropolis January 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

"Pyrotechnically illuminated saltire" I think is the going term, these days.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Bookmarked!

wondering where i am January 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Oops.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Thanks, Mayor_quimby, it's nice to know there's SOMEone looking out for me. Sheesh.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:22 pm

This is how favourite a joke it is: we no longer tell the joke, my partners and I. We just repeat the punchline. And then everybody laughs their ass off. And then we wonder why everyone around is looking at us funny.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!…. OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Stupid git.

Dr Ozark Hellbender January 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm
PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:44 pm

In most Asian languages, there are specific terms for each relative that describes the relationship (for example, there really is no such word as "aunt," but there is a word for "father's older sister" as opposed to "father's older brother's wife," which are two very distinct species of aunt).

Thank deity the terms didn't include stepfamilial relations. Pity the poor children who have to memorize the multitude of terms involved!

I guess it would be step-grandmother, huh? I have friends from them parts, and they don't say "warsh," but they could have been corrupted from living in these sunnier climes for a long while.

PalinzADummy January 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Sounds like a delightfully cool place, in a weird, funky, beat-up couches with the stuffing leaking out sorta way. Besides, any place that recognizes Frank's godhood is definitely heavenly in my book. Isn't John Waters-my-hentai-god from Bawlmer?

Hey, thanks for the info. I think I'll celebrate this year.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:01 am

If that caliber of comment doesn't suit you, you're best off avoiding that place. Let me put it this way: take the most racist, hateful, childish, stupid, illogical, pointless, thoughtless, and inconsequential comments you have ever read anywhere and imagine them being ten times worse. That would be about a tenth as bad as RedState. It's like listening to drunken teenage louts with guns fighting in the parking lot of some really shitty nightclub.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:03 am

Imagine your plight if the thought of blood made you sick. Or if you suffered from porphyria.

That wasn't very clear, porphyria is a disease that was often thought to create vampires. It was thought that the victims needed human blood to survive. So, if a porphyria sufferer were to imbibe of sacramental wine, would it disprove transubstantiation if they were not cured? Or prove it if they were?

I think I'm waxing philosophical in a stoned, Victorian sort of way. Blame Dok, he recommended I read Trollope.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:14 am

I should've known you'd have the skit memorized.

memzilla January 10, 2012 at 12:20 am

Manhattan, The Bronx, and Brooklyn — another legacy of Tammany Hall.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:23 am

Yes, yes, you do, indeed. But you haven't answered my question, sweetie.

Very interesting book. FILTH apparently stands for Failed In London, Try Hongkong.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 12:28 am

I quit smoking (cigarettes) last year, but listening to the Republitard Clown Show has me yearning for one something terrible, of late. Although, honestly, if any of those miserable slimy fuckers were actually within arms' reach, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't use the cigarette to burn multiple holes in them instead.

I'm both amazed and grateful he's not on multiple life-threatening medications for stress. His stress levels have got to be incredibly high just dealing with the like of "Mrs. YoMama" comments. How he refrains from leaping over the furniture and strangling Jim Sensenbrenner with his own foul reptilian tongue is beyond me.

Damn, that's one person I sure would like to light a spliff with, tho.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:46 am

This is one of those times I fervently wish prairie dogs DID pack heat. And have opposable thumbs.

FrenchTwist40 January 10, 2012 at 5:34 am

Which would, of course, rule out the possibility in about 90% of the Republican party.

ttommyunger January 10, 2012 at 7:11 am

Oh, but it is!

glamourdammerung January 10, 2012 at 8:36 am

The last few times I looked out of curiousity, there was more overt racism at RedState than Stormfront. Which was really odd since the latter has more Paultards.

PsycWench January 10, 2012 at 9:21 am

Can you believe, the plastic one is supposedly 45? I can think of only one person who probably spent more money with a greater accelerated aging effect: Keith Richards.

HuddledMass January 10, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Yeah but Keith looks cool. About a thousand years old, but cool….

LesBontemps January 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I keep saying it's amazing how someone younger than I am can manage to look convncingly like my mom.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Sweet Jesus wept! And at least Keef had talent.

CessnaDriver January 10, 2012 at 1:56 pm

She looks 60 on a good day. The close-ups are really scary.

Not a face for high-def.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I rarely even drop by any more. I used to, back in early days, but the jaw-droppingness of some of the comments there — I can't even begin to describe it. It makes you want to pound giant stakes through your brain just for relief from Teh Stoopit.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm

*Some*body's in a good mood despite waking up in the nether reaches of hell this morning.

sunmusing January 10, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Thanks Palz. It's good to be back, and I really enjoy the rantings and ravings on the Wonkette. What happened yesterday? Did I understand correctly that some one attacked Barb?

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Hope you're feeling better? Your knees were giving you all kindsa pain last time we talked.

Someone *tried* to attack Barb, but got jumped by half the Wonketeerz. I b'leev you might find bits of them scattered about, if you look hard.

ttommyunger January 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Just good at faking it.

user-of-owls January 10, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Be careful of the Lexicon of Terror, dear. It is very, very, very disturbing. Seriously. Take care with that one.

PalinzADummy January 10, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Thank you, dearest of Owls. (hugs the avian one)

I shall intersperse my reading of that one with the watching of comedies, perhaps, or some light fiction.

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