4 x 8 = idiot

Georgia’s Gwinnett County School District is coming under fire after parents came across math homework featuring some really atrocious questions involving slavery. Two questions in particular — one involving the number of oranges picked by slaves and another about the number of times Frederick Douglass might have been beaten in a week — were apparently aimed at teaching third graders about multiplication. Nine teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary School insist they were “attempting to do a cross-curricular activity with a book the children had read about abolitionist Frederick Douglass in their social studies class.” Um, which book? These teachers might be decent at math, but they are terrible at social studies.

The offending questions read as follows:

Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?

If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?

No words. A school district spokesperson, Sloan Roach, has responded by saying, “We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

“Staff development.” How about SCHOOL, Billy Madison style. [CBS News]

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  • Barb

    Eight slaves, multiplied by 3/5ths of a person each. Damn, math is hard.

  • memzilla

    If it takes two gallons of kerosene to light a cross, and the rally has four crosses, how many many gallons of kerosene must Johnny bring?

    • mookwrthwilson

      0. Don't you know that now we have a black president, there's no such thing as racism???

      • GOPCrusher

        Wait? What? A burning cross is racist?

        • Loaded_Pants

          The Klan likes to use the correct term which is "a 'lighted cross'."

          • PsycWench

            not "thermally enhanced"?

          • Negropolis

            "Pyrotechnically illuminated saltire" I think is the going term, these days.

      • I keep forgetting that the Messiah, Tha Tone, waved his Magic Negro black hand and changed it all overnight.

        Jezus fucking Christ, I have heard more racism in the last three years than I heard in the preceding thirty.

        • memzilla

          It's not that there's more racism, it's just more audible.

          The Dog Whistle is a GOP specialty. Code phrases of racism, always pitched to white people, can now be heard by all, instantly.

          We are witnessing the death spiral of the Rethuglicans' racist Southern Strategy.

          The GOP Southern Strategy was birthed by Johnson's signing of the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1965. It was first used by Nixon in 1968. It was crafted by Lee Atwater, Carl Rove, and Roger Ailes. It turned the South from Democrat to Republican in one election cycle.

          However, using racism to motivate white voters only works so long as white people are the majority… and the white demographic is shrinking.

          The GOP Old Guard clings to a strategy which has worked for over 40 years. They are faced with the inevitable numbers of a shrinking white voting cohort and they are getting more desperate. That's why you see the blunders and walk-backs of their candidates — they have no better tactics and aren't likely to.

          The only real "‘Black People’ Platform" these people have ever truly had is the auction block.

          • Agreed. I try to keep my cool, but periodically … man, it's almost as if these fucking morons WORK to make me lose it.

            Once again, I am humbled by Barack Obama's ability to deal with these fucking monsters without wanting — or at least without SHOWING that he's wanting — to choke the living shit out of them. And he hears this shit a hundred times more than I do, day in and day out, with most of the shit directed at his wife. I don't know how the man does it. I'm just glad I have weed.

          • sunmusing

            Well said PD…..roll a fattie for me too.

          • Nice to see you back, dood.

          • sunmusing

            Thanks Palz. It's good to be back, and I really enjoy the rantings and ravings on the Wonkette. What happened yesterday? Did I understand correctly that some one attacked Barb?

          • Hope you're feeling better? Your knees were giving you all kindsa pain last time we talked.

            Someone *tried* to attack Barb, but got jumped by half the Wonketeerz. I b'leev you might find bits of them scattered about, if you look hard.

          • flamingpdog

            Hey, I hear rumors all the time that Barry has taken up smoking again, but maybe it's not tobacco this time.

          • I quit smoking (cigarettes) last year, but listening to the Republitard Clown Show has me yearning for one something terrible, of late. Although, honestly, if any of those miserable slimy fuckers were actually within arms' reach, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't use the cigarette to burn multiple holes in them instead.

            I'm both amazed and grateful he's not on multiple life-threatening medications for stress. His stress levels have got to be incredibly high just dealing with the like of "Mrs. YoMama" comments. How he refrains from leaping over the furniture and strangling Jim Sensenbrenner with his own foul reptilian tongue is beyond me.

            Damn, that's one person I sure would like to light a spliff with, tho.

          • Bezoar

            I think you are totally correct, but I still hold out hope that racism can diminish and extinguish within any good-hearted person.

          • FrenchTwist40

            Which would, of course, rule out the possibility in about 90% of the Republican party.

  • Barb

    Beaver Ridge Elementary? Do they graduate to Labia Middle School?

    • SorosBot

      And then on to Clitoris High.

      • Barb

        Classic answer! That, or Robert E. Lee Rim Job High.

        • jakegittes

          Would that be a vocational school?

      • MissTaken

        No one has ever made it all the way to high school.

        • Barb

          Yeah, most of them count 7th grade as their "senior year"

        • SorosBot

          Clitoris Junior High, then – that's about the time they start with sexin' their cousins anyway, right?

          • MissTaken

            Only the girls go to Clitoris Jr High. The boys can't be bothered to find it.

          • SorosBot

            That almost makes me feel sorry for the Southern girls; no wonder they're so angry all the time.

          • MissTaken

            Not just the South. Here in California men think it's as mythical as Bigfoot or a smart Kardashian.

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Please. If the clitoris really existed, just where on my body is it then?

          • sunmusing

            somewhere near the G-spot, I think. Is this a trick question?

          • Ahem – I have Sherpa training.

          • SorosBot

            It's not that hard to find – come on, fellow men, step up and do your duty, learn to properly use your tongue and fingers!

          • Um … what part of California, dear? (leers at MissTaken)

            I will say this — men of my generation weren't supposed to know about it, or any of that other icky stuff. Maybe you just need a younger group of men to select from.

          • FakaktaSouth's gonna come in here and kick y'all's ass.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Well played…miss…well played.

          • Ouch!

      • CapnFatback

        Right on the button!

      • Loaded_Pants

        Then they enroll in the Allwhite Bible College. It's one of those new for-prophet ones, y'know.

    • memzilla

      Some of them even go on to Klavern Kollege.

    • Every Spring, they celebrate Colonel Angus Week at Labia Middle School, during which his brave stand at Beaver Ridge is commemorated.

      I just love Colonel Angus!

      • Rotundo_

        Wasn't he a competitor to Colonel Sanders? Colonel Angus Beef Curtains? Sort of like Arby's Roast beef, but with a distinctive blend of seasonings that make it Lip Lickin' Tasty!

      • finallyhappy

        Christopher Walken- one of his best along with Cowbell and the Continental.

        • PsycWench

          I've always been fond of the Census Taker one with Tim Meadows, myself.

    • Angry_Marmot

      What year do they declare their majora and minora?

      • I swear to god, there is nothing that draws yon Wonketeerz in like hentai talk about ladyparts. Buncha sluts.

        Hey, wut? I never said I wasn't drawn in too.

        • SorosBot

          That's because ladyparts are great! They're much nicer than the easily-injured, hard-to-control long dangly parts I'm stuck with.

          • Don't look at me, dood, you don't see me holding back when ladyparts are the topic of, um, conversation.

        • Dr Ozark Hellbender

          Don't be ridiculous. We also like Monty Python routines, Lord of the Rings references, and Star Trek trivia.

          Mind you, the Venn Diagrams for those and "familiarity with ladyparts" may not actually touch….

          • Radiotherapy

            I love me some pie.

          • Ladypie, especially, eh?

          • Don't think for one minute that I didn't see what you did there.

          • ThundercatHo

            I must give a shout out to my husband and state that all of the above plus an expertise with my ladyparts not only overlap but stack together perfectly.

          • UW8316154

            Bacon, too.

  • CliveWarren

    “We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

    May I suggest three times two kicks in the cunt?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Three times two? Isn't that, like, eleven?

      • comrad_darkness

        Silly, three times two is two-hundred and twenty-two!

        • Loaded_Pants

          I stand corrected. I was always late for my math classes.

  • CapnFatback

    Wasn't "Sloan Roach" the name of a rock band that Tootie and Natalie snuck out of Mrs. Garrett's boarding school to see in a very special episode of Facts of Life?

    • sati_demise

      Really, that name freaked me out to the dark side.

      With a southern drawl it sounds like 'slow roach'.

  • veritass

    7 oranges each. 12 beatings (no beatings on THE LORD's day).


    • bureaucrap

      I'm afraid that's incorrect. It's TWICE AS MANY BEATINGS on the Lord's Day because Slaveowner Jesus loves corporal punishment.

      • veritass

        Ugh. I always miss the trick in math word-problems.

      • flamingpdog

        Was Corporal Punishment a member of Colonel Angus's staff?

        • Listen, snarkmeister, I want to know what Dick's saying to your prairie dog in your av. Give, buddy.

          • flamingpdog

            I was wondering if anyone was ever going to ask! Darth is saying, "This is MY undisclosed location. Go find your own gopher hole. And take your monkeypox with you."

            I seriously had to kick him in the nuts after he said that. I would have shot him in the face except that pds don't pack heat.

          • This is one of those times I fervently wish prairie dogs DID pack heat. And have opposable thumbs.

  • If that's public school, just imagine what Gerogia's homeschooling is like…

    • Loaded_Pants

      Math problem: If you had a family of slaves with 8 children in it & sold half the children, what would you spend on the wedding to your cousin/sister/brother?

      • Veritas78

        Easy. One shotgun shell. Whut dew ah win?

  • SorosBot

    Just some dumb-ass school
    Keeps Georgia on my mind

  • not that Dewey

    The Amistad leaves Havana harbor traveling at 19 knots. The USS Washington leaves Long Island traveling at 17 knots. How many white people were injured lost money in the ensuing struggle?

    • There's my good buddy, always with the really tricky historical math problems.

      (hugs ntD) How ya Deweyin?

  • Indiepalin

    Come on now, Liz. Even I know that you're making this one up…

    • memzilla

      Drudge Report has become self parody, but the audience hasn't picked up on it yet.

  • CapnFatback

    Update our children's text books! Illegals pick our oranges now.

    • Sound like a job for the Texas Board of Education.

    • emmelemm

      Excellent point, sir.

      ETA: or madam. I presume too much, possibly.

      • CapnFatback

        It's a sensible assumption; I have a male avatar.

        Although . . . I could be a wooden horse head.

        • emmelemm

          On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

          • CapnFatback

            Well, NOW they do!

          • SorosBot

            No, Barb's a cat; you're a little piggy.

          • emmelemm

            1. My fee-fees R hurt!

            2. How do you know I'm not a cat pretending to be a pig?

          • On the Internet, nobody … oh, shit.

          • finallyhappy

            They guy who drew the "on the internet, no one knows you are a dog" used to be a personal friend. Not a close one because I have no idea where he is now.

          • CapnFatback

            Or, for that matter, who he is now.

    • Keep up, son. Georgia done kicked them illegals out, so they're using *prisoners* now, and y'all *know* what *that* means, don'tcha?

      FWIW, for every ten or so of these ignorant motherfuckers, Georgia has given us some fine, fine people whom some of us might count as friends.

      Edited to fix typo, sheesh.

    • Dimitrios_M

      Thanks to their harsh anti-immigrant laws, NO ONE is picking Georgia’s oranges.

      Nor their peaches, grapes, watermelon or vegetables.

  • Joshua Norton

    The original text came from a Ron Paul newsletter.

    Or was it Pat Buchanan's Christmas card?

    • Sparky_McGruff

      I'm guessing that that text was recycled from somewhere. I'm guessing it made a transition from the ninth-generation photocopy to an AOL chain email around 2003.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    My wife is a teacher at a Catholic grade school. She has a little trouble when it comes time to do the the science-religion cross-curricular assignments.

    • MissTaken

      And then God said, "Let there be light". And there was light. And it traveled 186,282 miles per second.

      • proudgrampa

        AND it has the characteristics of a wave AND a particle. It should be easy to tie that back to some cross-curricular BS.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          It's just like the host being both the flesh of Christ, and a yummy cracker all in one.

      • I foresee a spectacular future for you as a math teacher in parochial schools around the country.

      • Dr Ozark Hellbender

        I had a friend in grad school who was an Optical Sciences major; he had a T-shirt that said "186,282 Miles Per Second: Not Just a Good Idea–IT'S THE LAW"

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hint: it only turns into the body of Christ when nobody's looking.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Higgs Transubstantiation?

        That sounds more like post-grad work at Notre Dame.

        • SayItWithWookies

          When it was just a thought experiment it was known as Schrödinger's Wafer.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            And in what way does Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principal affect the number of angels that can dance on the head of pin?

          • Veritas78

            You don't get this caliber of comments at Jus' sayin'.

          • You don't get much beyond spittle-flecked grunts, IIRC, although it has been a while.

          • MissTaken

            Wonkette: Where the sexiness of science intersects with the playfulness of politics.

          • You're making me leer at you meaningfully, again.

          • flamingpdog

            I don't ever hang at, but I get the impression that a lot of their statements are of the 22- and 45-caliber sort.

          • If that caliber of comment doesn't suit you, you're best off avoiding that place. Let me put it this way: take the most racist, hateful, childish, stupid, illogical, pointless, thoughtless, and inconsequential comments you have ever read anywhere and imagine them being ten times worse. That would be about a tenth as bad as RedState. It's like listening to drunken teenage louts with guns fighting in the parking lot of some really shitty nightclub.

          • The last few times I looked out of curiousity, there was more overt racism at RedState than Stormfront. Which was really odd since the latter has more Paultards.

          • I rarely even drop by any more. I used to, back in early days, but the jaw-droppingness of some of the comments there — I can't even begin to describe it. It makes you want to pound giant stakes through your brain just for relief from Teh Stoopit.

          • C_R_Eature

            If you try to measure them, you'll never know.
            "Outlook Uncertain, ask again later"

          • C_R_Eature

            And there was a slight probability that, when you open the wafer box, it's actually a cat.

          • wondering where i am


      • Chichikovovich

        Schrödinger's Host?

        • Yes, but is it alive, or dead, when it goes down?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Galileo would make a nice case study.

    • MissTaken

      Communion Mechanics?

    • Radiotherapy

      Jeebus gets two nails in his wrists and loses 500 ml of blood per hour per wrist, One nail in his feet bleeds at 600 ml per hour. Assuming the god man body has 5 liters of intravascular volume, how much wine will it take to resuscitate him three days later?

      • Keep pouring till he starts coughing?

        • Radiotherapy

          A nice Pinot Noir? Actually, I've always wondered, does white wine transubstantiate?
          Necrophilia, it's not just for Catholics anymore.

          • I wouldn't waste a good Pinot on reviving an unconscious man, even if it wuz Jesus. Why wouldn't white wine transubstantiate? Would it have to turn red? I mean, it's the *symbolic* blood, right, just as the Host is not made out of meat but unleavened flour, water, salt, and oil, right? It's been a very long time since I did any reading on Christianity, although I have a few good books on the shelves on the history thereof. I always found transubstantiation the weirdest thing about Catholicism, and the hardest to swallow. (No, really.)

          • Radiotherapy

            Either way it's fucked up. If you think they really become the body and blood of the X man-god or it's just a symbol — of what, necrophilia? God, I hate religion.
            One more thing, what if the wine is a Rosé, is that OK?
            And don't even get me started on Talmudic Law..

          • I just don't particularly like the idea of *eating* the divine, much, either. Christianity seems like a dreadful celebration of pain and death and suffering and blood and sacrifice. Perhaps it's my own eccentricities, but I've always thought religion a matter for philosophy, not gruesome emotional symbolism.

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender

            Transubstantiate Me, Dead Man!

          • Two, four, six, eight,
            Time to transubstantiate!
            So get down upon your knees
            Fiddle with your rosaries …

            ah, hell, I forgot you probably have ALL his lyrics by heart.

          • WootInTarnation

            That's why they sell 2 Buck Chuck.

          • For Jeebus-reviving? Dang I'll be sure to put in a bottle or two. Never know when The Man might turn up on your doorstep with all these raving fundy loonies invoking him on a daily basis.

          • flamingpdog

            Makes you wonder if you can be a practicing Catholic and be a vegetarian/vegan.

          • Imagine your plight if the thought of blood made you sick. Or if you suffered from porphyria.

            That wasn't very clear, porphyria is a disease that was often thought to create vampires. It was thought that the victims needed human blood to survive. So, if a porphyria sufferer were to imbibe of sacramental wine, would it disprove transubstantiation if they were not cured? Or prove it if they were?

            I think I'm waxing philosophical in a stoned, Victorian sort of way. Blame Dok, he recommended I read Trollope.

    • SorosBot

      There are at least three million species of animal on Earth. How big would a boat have to be to hold two of each?

    • Hey, as I recall from my early 20s double-checking before finally declaring my fundie-evangelical upbringing a bunch of b.s., the Catholic Church is pretty enlightened about science these days, isn't it? Don't they believe Genesis is metaphorical and consistent with modern cosmology and evolution, so long as God is the instigator behind it all?

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, they're good about recognizing the most obviously bullshit parts of the Bible as metaphorical and accepting some science at least. They even finally apologized to Galileo – in 1990. That's not true of all Catholics, though – see Rick Santorum, who is an unabashed young-Earth creationist.

      • wondering where i am

        For the Catholics the only good bang was the Big Bang.

  • veritass

    We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.

    Staff development. Staff. Fucking. Development. For a start you could hire people that don't drive pickups with truck nuts and confederate flag decals. Or, alternatively, you could place your school on one of those jacked up trucks and drive it out of Georgia.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "Staff development" = "We've got to figure out if any of these dumb fucks have one of those fancy dee grees in Edumacational stuff. Or some shit like that there."

    • You've worked for corporate America long enough to know how it goes. You make some dumbshit move like this. They write you up and put a copy in your file. They develop a "plan" to rectify the problem. It has to be signed off on by everybody and god, including your immediate supervisor and yourself. It establishes milestones. You meet with your supervisor at specific dates to determine whether the agreed-upon milestones have been reached. Bla, bla, bla.

      Personally, I'd rather they just take the fuckers out and shoot them, but disposing of bodies is such a problem, with clay soil.

  • Schmannnity

    If it takes four sticks of dynamite to blow up a church, and Jim Bob wants to blow up 7 churches. . . .

    • Generation[redacted]

      (Extra credit) There are three colored children in each church. How many are killed or maimed?

      • comrad_darkness

        Extra Extra credit: if it's sunday school how many more pickaninnies will be there when the bomb goes off?

        • I have heard white people use the term "pickaninnies" to describe black kids as recently as 20 years ago. I'm not talking ignorant cracker rednecks, who actually get a pass on this shit from me because they don't know any better, I'm talking about highly educated, powerful professional people with good jobs in Corporate America. I guess they thought I wouldn't object because I'm not a black American.

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender

            Hell, in the 1986 governor race, Arizona even managed to pick a ninny who saw nothing wrong with that term.

          • …cringe…

  • SexySmurf

    Nine teachers at Beaver Ridge Elementary School insist they were “attempting to do a cross-curricular activity with a book the children had read about abolitionist Frederick Douglass in their social studies class.”

    Jesus, I would hate to see what the math problems look like after the kids watch Deliverance.

    (I know that comment doesn't make any sense, but Ned Beatty squealing like a piggy is the only thing I associate with Georgia.)

    • teatarded2012

      Wasnt Deliverance in Louisiana?

      • mookwrthwilson

        I thought Tennessee.

      • Steverino247
      • SexySmurf

        It was Georgia, but it's easy to confuse people from Louisiana and Tennessee with stupid, toothless, inbred, raping hillbillies.

        • teatarded2012

          This explains why when traveling from nashville to ATL by car– my colleagues had these wise words of advice..
          "Once you cross the Nikkajack, close your eyes,put pedal to medal and dont open 'em until you reach the perimeter". I get it. I do! Reminds me of that Revco song "beers, steers and queers".

        • Geezus. I guess I'm not headin' to the South anytime soon.

          • mayor_quimby

            No, no, you're welcome, just fly directly into a major airport (ATL) and never venture more than 2 miles from the MARTA train line stations. You'll be right as rain, and have your pick of some of the finest women (and I guess, dudes, if that's your thang) in the US.

          • Thanks, Mayor_quimby, it's nice to know there's SOMEone looking out for me. Sheesh.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Wait until they get to WWII. Then they'll start doing some serious long division.

    • My friend from Georgia assures me that it was not filmed in Georgia.

  • Barb

    "If your sister hasn't gotten her period in a month of Sundays, how long before your uncle gets out of jail?"

    • Schmannnity

      Depends. Was there an ensuing marriage?

    • mrbubb

      Goddamn, that's the best one yet.

      • Barb

        Thank you, MrBubb!

    • Loaded_Pants

      I bow to you and then upfist you for this.

      • Barb

        Thanks LP.

    • Veritas78

      I was gonna think of this!

    • Trick question.

      Zero. Your uncle is also your daddy and your sister is also your mommy and the local law was the best man/father of the couple at their wedding.

    • Your uncle-sister or your sister-sister?

  • SorosBot

    Really though, it's inappropriate for teachers to develop their staffs at an elementary school; that's what's gotten the Catholic Church into so much trouble.

  • Billy Bob worked on his Bitchin' Camaro 4 hours a day for 10 years. If the Bittchin' Camaro is only half-way done, how many hours will it take Billy Bob to finish it?

    • Mahousu

      Trick question. It depends on how often his wife/sister asks him to take out the trash.

      In other words, it'll never get done.

      • I heard they "take out the trash" every nine months over there.

    • Motherfucker'll never get to drive it to the Bahamas..

      • Dr Ozark Hellbender

        Donuts on your lawn!

    • Geminisunmars

      Depends on whether it is parked in the front yard in the weeds, or the back yard next to the still.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Or next to trailer, right beside the "warshin' machine."

        • Where the hail do people say "warshin" like that, dood? I used to work with a guy who felt obliged to tell me, about once an hour on the hour, that his Mom said "warshin." Why he thought this, I will never know, but apparently, he was convinced that his mother's accent held a peculiar fascination for me. (OK, he was fucking crazy.) So, where the hell do they talk like that?

          • ColonelDoctor

            Kentucky. Really.

          • Thank you, mon ColonelDoctor. At least I'll go to my grave knowing, now.

            Isn't it peculiar, the things we come across in life that titillate our curiousity.

          • C_R_Eature

            Bawlemer, Hon. Also, too.

          • Why, thank you, C_R_Eature! You might actually be correct, since the fellow wage-slave would often invoke DC as an example — you know, "Warshington," and all.

          • C_R_Eature

            Speakn' frum xperienz, Hon.

            "We gits our warter frum the zink", too.

          • All I can hear is Frank Zappa, What's New In Baltimore. And yeah, that "Hon" business. It's cute when old ladies do it, though. Especially tough old waitresses with bleach-blonde hair and them rhinestone glasses and wearin' them pearl clips …

          • C_R_Eature

            There used to be a guy called the "Hon Man" that would regularly stick a "Hon" sign on the "Welcome to Baltimore" road sign on Rt 95. Every time the state road department took it off, he'd sneak back & put it on again. Baltimore's like that.
            Frank is a minor god in Baltimore. There's a bronze bust (the twin of the one in Vilnus, Lithuania – Baltimore's sister city) outside of a public library in town and August (the 5th, I think) is officially Frank Zappa Day. Seriously.

          • Sounds like a delightfully cool place, in a weird, funky, beat-up couches with the stuffing leaking out sorta way. Besides, any place that recognizes Frank's godhood is definitely heavenly in my book. Isn't John Waters-my-hentai-god from Bawlmer?

            Hey, thanks for the info. I think I'll celebrate this year.

          • SorosBot

            I have family from there, and accidentally picked up "Warshington" along with the likes of "wartch" and "warter" as a kid, but managed to train myself out of it later.

          • C_R_Eature

            The first time I went to Canada it was only two weeks before I started saying "hoose" "oot" and ending every sentence with "Eh?" People thought I was born in Ontario. Didn't take long. Maybe it was the 'shine. Or the Tim Hortons…

          • I pick up all these little speech glitches wherever I go, and I never can manage to drop them for years. Lucky you, at least you're trainable. I think I might need more rewards.

          • My stepmother's ma (step-grandmother?) was from McKeesport, PA (southeast of Pgh) and she used to say 'warsh'.

          • In most Asian languages, there are specific terms for each relative that describes the relationship (for example, there really is no such word as "aunt," but there is a word for "father's older sister" as opposed to "father's older brother's wife," which are two very distinct species of aunt).

            Thank deity the terms didn't include stepfamilial relations. Pity the poor children who have to memorize the multitude of terms involved!

            I guess it would be step-grandmother, huh? I have friends from them parts, and they don't say "warsh," but they could have been corrupted from living in these sunnier climes for a long while.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Depends on when you consider it done:
      — when the bodywork is finished,
      — when the primer coat is applied, or
      — when an actual color (besides primer gray) is applied.

  • ibwilliamsi

    How about "Bobbie Joe left the trailer park five times last night. If she gets $20 for each "ride", how much money did she earn?"

    "Billy Bob only got $60 from Bobbie Joe this morning. How many times will he slap her?"

    "Billie Bob gave Billie Joe a black eye and split her lip. How long before she can leave the trailer park to work?"

  • kissawookiee

    "If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?"

    I think the important thing to remember here is that at least the blah people were making their own lives better through manufacturing. Or something.

    • teatarded2012


    • kissawookiee

      I stand corrected. The blah people were making their plives better.

      • CapnFatback

        "I’ve done more in the African-American communities as a Republican than any Republican in recent memory.”

        "Um, Mr. Santorum? Your 2 o'clock, the World's Tallest Midget, is here."

      • Geminisunmars

        "I’ve done more in the African-American communities as a Republican than any Republican in recent memory.” — Santorum

        This is another math word problem. Please show your work:

        Repub = 0
        therefore Santorum X (Republican in African American community) = 0
        Although one could argue that the equation equals 0 squared

      • Is that like pleather? A fake life? A santorum-laden life?

    • franco_pinyon

      I'm in Georgia, not far from Gwinnett County. This is probably their way of discussing the importance of "equality."

  • SayItWithWookies

    If ol' Mr. Pritchard the overseer beats two slaves a day, how many months does it take before ol' Mr. Pritchard accidentally gets pushed into the bonfire they light at harvest time so's the slaves can pick cotton at night? And how long does it take before someone even notices and tells the master that ol' Mr. Pritchard has gone missing?

    For this and other exciting math questions derived from charming antebellum history, check out my favorite collection of slave narratives, Weevils in the Wheat for stories heartbreaking, inspiring and completely horrifying.

    • Dear god. I suppose I'll put that on my reading list in case I get too cheerful over the coming holidays, or anything.

      Thanks for the recom. How painful is it? Worse than even my neurotic worst fears? Or tol'able with drinkin'?

      • What holidays would that be?

        • Next Christmas, I reckon, with the size of the current reading list.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It's pretty damn awful in the sense that you probably already know how bad, but seeing the details just drives it home. There are lighthearded moments, though — for instance, an overseer does get pushed into the bonfire and killed during an overnight harvest and that lifts everyone's spirits.

        Oh, and it's slave narratives told to WPA workers during the Depression, which means it's a collection of individual stories, some longer than others, but mostly readable in ten minute sections, so you can skip around.

        • Thank you very much, Wookies. It should arrive soon, although I'll probably wait a bit before reading it. Currently finishing some fiction, but next on the list is the account of a French survivor of the Tuol Sleng concentration camp. That should keep me cheerful (or suicidal, more likely) for a week or so.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What is all this with "If eight slaves pick them equally." Sounds like they are promoting Socialism to me.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      True 'nuff. Whoever picks the most oranges should win, so the invisible hand don't whip him.

  • CapnFatback

    Two questions in particular — one involving the number of oranges picked by slaves and another about the number of times Frederick Douglass might have been beaten in a week — were apparently aimed at teaching third graders about multiplication.

    See, there's the problem. We need some story problems that will teach Georgians how to STOP multiplying.

    • comrad_darkness

      Given that HIV infection rates (along with every other health ill) are on the rise in the rural south in contrast to every other part of the country, me thinks they will take care of that with their own stupidity. Eventually.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Master raped two of his house slaves, but only one became pregnant, how long did he serve as President?

    • Loaded_Pants

      That's easy: all the years he served. Just give me a A-plus , already.

  • memzilla

    From the comments:

    "How many beatings did Frederick Get? …zero beatings because slave owners wanted their workers in the best of health so they could do the most work."

    Another well-informed Rethuglitard voter speaks out against the distortions of the lame stream media.


    • mookwrthwilson

      Read further. The comments are quite the collection of enlightened ideas…

      • fartknocker

        Some of those comments are just sickening.

        • That's putting it rather mildly. Although in the interest of warding off heart attacks, and the like, I suppose mildness is warranted.

    • Sure, these questions are a bit crass, but I think they're a step in the right direction. If they had more math tests like this, we might have fewer comments like that.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Exhibit A

      Bottom line, they mght as well go back to being slaves it is the only way those in the the cities will do any work and since we are paying thme with welfare we have a right to expect they do something other than produce children and do drugs.

      Exhibit B

      Q. How many liberals does it take to create a race war?
      A. Apparently not as many as one would expect.

      and finally Exhibit C

      Blacks are the stupidest and most violent race.

      In summary, Defense attorney Cletus McSisterfuck concludes that only blahs are racist and that this whole thing is just some liberals crying. Also, blahs.

      • Where do these people come from, that can't seem to stop thinking in these vicious, limited terms? I wish we had a cure for them. Short of offing them violently, that is.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Supposedly it's education. Then I read things like

          Bottom line, they mght as well go back to being slaves it is the only way those in the the cities will do any work

          and really understand that these dopey fucks really believe this stupid bullshit. Where does that come from? It's not schools. It's the much-vaunted family and community which must be to blame.

          It seems insoluble.

  • JackObin

    Georgia divided by Mississippi minus Alabama times Louisiana equals Florida.

    • mookwrthwilson


    • Steverino247

      Wrong. Division by zero is undefined.

      • emmelemm

        If only said division by 0 made all of the aforementioned states disappear.

        • Beowoof

          Well the aforementioned states are populated by zeros so there is that.

    • Loaded_Pants

      VA would liked to be factored into that equation.

  • A school district spokesperson, Sloan Roach

    He'll be changing his name to "Sloan Waterbug" shortly.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I lived in Atlanta for a couple of years and it was funny. No one ever said the word "cokroach," although we had them as big as banana slugs. They were the much more genteel "palmetto bugs."

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Lazy slaves! It shouldn't take eight of them to pick one tree. No wonder they got beaten. Where the mexicans at?

  • CliveWarren

    Did you children know..?
    The area of a perfectly white hood is 1/2*bh…
    Interesting isn't it?
    Now get your bibles out and start studyaiting!

  • owhatever

    Slaverying the darkies was declared against the law? Oh, yeah? When? Flippin' libruls..

  • LettucePrey

    Frederick Douglass? He was the guy who debated Lincoln. I don't need no skoolin', libruls! I watch Foxx Nooz!

  • fartknocker

    And when they teach them about pi during the classes on geometry, half the class will answer that cornbread are square and pies are round.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And that US of A pies are infinite.

      • What d'you expect, they've got moronic politicians yawping about the infinity of American pie right there on TV.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      Well, it's Georgia, so really that should be Moon Pi and an RC Co'cola.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Master bought eight new slaves at $12 a piece, but kills two of them in the first week for fun, how much cotton at $.25 a bale must the other slaves pick in order to cover Master's losses from the two slaves he killed?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh Lionel, that's Massa. And besides, he never does the actual killing. That's left to Ole Miss and/or the whiptastic overseer.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        You are so right sir. Showing off my northern breeding.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      All of it, katie.

      • Biff

        If they know what's fuckin' good for 'em, yep.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hmph. The only real shocker is that this happened in Gwinnett County and not in Cobb County.

    And, of course, your move, Alabama.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Ah yes, Gwinette County. Named after Button Gwinett who had the most awesome name to appear on the Declaration of Independence.

    • Data Exactly

      Lester Maddox was the Governor of Cobb County? The histoiez! They iz in my braynz nao!

      • Steverino247

        Some friends who live in Cobb County got a rude shock when the pastor of their church welcomed his wife one Sunday (bfefore she died, obviously). They had no idea where they really lived before that moment. They looked at each other and went "THAT Lester Maddox?"

        On a lighter note, we were issued ax handles to use as riot control weapons (at an undisclosed location overseas) and even the black troops thought it was funny to call them Lester Maddox Specials.

        • I think desegregating the military was one of the best things ever to happen, because it allowed young men, black and white, to speak frankly and find friendship — and the kind of bond you form when you rely on your buddies for your very life is something nobody understands unless they've been through it. I wish it were possible to have an organization like that, but with peaceful aims rather than martial.

          I know, I know, Who Needs The Peace Corps?

    • ttommyunger

      As a 40 year resident of Cobb County, Georgia; I can only say it resembles that remark.

      • Who would know better than you, ttommy?

        • ttommyunger

          It's twoo, it's twoo!

          • All I can say is, you're from there, so it can't be *that* bad.

          • ttommyunger

            Oh, but it is!

          • *Some*body's in a good mood despite waking up in the nether reaches of hell this morning.

          • ttommyunger

            Just good at faking it.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    “We’ve been working with human resources to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers and what actions may be warranted.”

    Seems to me that if these cracker-trash dolts are too dimwitted to see what was wrong with their "cross-curricular activity" without being told, no amount of "staff development" is going to fix that.

  • BornInATrailer

    Each homemade Twinkie takes 1 slice of Wonder Bread and 1/6th a tub of Cool Whip. If Billy-Joe wants to make 2 homemade Twinkies for each of the 18 family members in his trailer, how many loaves and tubs will he need?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Also, how many 24-packs of Mountain Dew will he need so that everyone can wash down each homemade Twinkie?

    • spends2much

      I am laughing so hard I'm crying. Thank you, BIAT, and, of course, Gwinnett County!

  • Page 83: When simplifying this problem, think of the burning cross as an addition sign and the noose equal to 'zero'..

  • hagajim

    If 14 Georgia rednecks got together to discuss race relations in the 21st century how many dumb assholes would be in the room?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      All of them, Katie.

      (Goddammit…it's like a fucking disease!)

    • Fourteen. If you don't count all the people who will eventually read the transcript on 'Red State'.

    • 28?

  • CrunchyKnee

    If SkoalRebel made 20 bust a gut videos decrying Obamer, dip and "faggots" how many per subject would he crank out in between meth cookings?

  • True or False: A KKK hat is an example of an isosceles triangle.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      trick question! It's a cone!

      • Geminisunmars

        Wrong! It's a Kone!

        • Land sakes! It's a Kohn!

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Well there's your cultural crossover!

          If a klansman wears a hat size of 7 and 3/4 inches, what is the volume of a his hood?

          What is the optimal conic section to use to insure complete crushing of a clansman's skull?

  • BornInATrailer

    Anthony faces racism from the local school board next on a very important Designing Women

  • Mahousu

    If these questions were "based on a book about Frederick Douglass," why is there a question about picking oranges? Douglass was a slave in Maryland, which is not exactly known for its citrus. Or is this just to demonstrate that the teachers are ignorant of geography, too?

    • memzilla

      I bet the first draft of the problem probably had "peaches" as the fruit to make it locally relevant, but that's the pride of Jawjuh, so they used "oranges" because everybody hates Florida.

    • torera

      Not to mention which it should be how *many* [oranges], not how "much." Don't no hiztree, don't no jografee, don't no numbuhs, don't no grammer eithuh. But I kin vote cuz I got one ov them pitcher eye-dees.

  • Callyson

    If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many backward idiots did he beat up in one week?

  • MissTaken

    Your Uncle-Brother's still behind the goat barn makes 2 gallons of moonshine a day. It's your little sister's 12 birthday/wedding day. How many days will it take to make enough moonshine to ignore the fact she ain't a virgin?

  • Sue4466

    As s resident of Georgia, I'm relieved we're keeping up with Alabama in the crazy today. Team Peach!

    • I deeply sympathize. No snark.

      • Sue4466

        Thanks. What you really don't want to do is read the user comments on the CBS link in the article above. It will make you want to fling yourself off a cliff. I'm sure these are the same people who say racism isn't a problem and who pray to Jebus with the same mouth.

        • I'm afraid some other commenter said something that made me think I had to, and so I did, and I most heartily regret it. I didn't think people that willingly delusional and hateful existed in numbers bold enough to actually voice such sentiments and put their names to them. I'm not sure what to make of people like this, except to say that the confusion between morality and the appearance thereof seems to be very severe with them.

  • How many servings are in a tub of Crisco?

    • Beowoof

      Well if all you eat is real lard it is hard to figure.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      All of the, Katie.

      ('s been that kind of day)

    • Loaded_Pants

      Trick question. Define "serving" because you can use Crisco for a variety of purposes & save it afterward.

      • tealsheart

        Chicken grease to fish grease to grits grease to skin and hair grease to all purpose shinner-upper around the house. Sexy when used as a lub. Can be used on dogs hair too, or any 'pet type' hair.

      • tealsheart

        I snagged my 4th husband while wearing a little dab of crisco behind my right ear.

  • Barb

    This says it all:
    Go LSU!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Not enough body paint.

    • I don't even know what I'm looking at, babe.

  • I'm just thrilled some children still do their homework, or that homework is even assigned anymore. Maybe a little reading comprehension as exhibited in this fracas means it's not *all* bad news.

  • Beowoof

    Hmmmm, I guess the teachers should stop beating off so much and they would have time to develop better lesson plans.

  • Steverino247

    Q: If Jesus has five loaves and two fishes, how many multitudes could he feed?

    A: It depends on if he made fish sticks or not.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      If the multitudes wanted to eat, they should've gotten jobs and bought their own food.

      • Yeah, and they should've eaten their own bootstraps!

        • No, they gotta pull themselves up by those. Maybe they should eat the boots.

          Oh, wait …

  • arihaya

    the textbook material is discriminating against Blah people

  • kissawookiee

    To think I came into this thread expecting to read about another Fourth Wave-type social studies classroom experiment gone awry. Annnnnnnd no.

  • Generation[redacted]

    General Sherman needs fifty pigs a week so his men can have bacon for breakfast. A typical southern barn contains ten pigs. How many barns does he have to pillage each morning?

    • Does this include the racist pig owner of the barn?

      • torera

        He counts as two.

  • Pithaughn

    If Minny puts her shit in every chocolate pie she makes, how many pies can she make a day?
    Extra credit: Compare and contrast, the cost of owning a slave versus the daily wages of a Home Depot "Associate".

  • chascates

    It's not hatred, it's heritage.

    And stupidity.

    • Loaded_Pants

      The south will rise again! (In the lists of the least educated regions of America)

  • Wonderthing

    But, I say, but, y'all are missing the point: Slaves AIN'T and never was "equal" and Frederick Douglass was only 3/5 of a person when he was a slave, so the math ain't NEVAH gon' work. How many times I done got to told you?

    • Loaded_Pants

      "How many times I done got to told you?" FTW.

    • Harmony. It's "harmony times." Oh, shit, it doesn't work with an American accent.

  • littlebigdaddy

    If the county posts speed limit signs every 1.5 miles and there are 1,290 miles of highway in the county, how many shotgun shells is Cleetus going to need to buy? Extra credit: If his pickup truck gets 11 miles to the gallon, how much gasoline is he going to have to siphon?

  • That is one tough High School.

    • Seems like you'd have to be pretty tough, or pretty high, to get through it. Especially if you're black.

  • Rotundo_

    It seems like so much of our modern educational material and methodology comes from the south these days. No wonder we are sending out millions of kids out into the working world as illiterate dunces unable to do basic computational math. Thanks American South for setting a standard for the nation. Texas, Georgia, all y'all are making the public more stupidder evree daey!

    • torera

      now now, can't have johnny ted thinkin we're some of those leeetists…

    • Youz speld it rong – stuppidder.

  • A Texas man's family consists of 3 grown men weighing at least 200 pounds apiece, his plump Scotch wife, and a 13 year old daughter. Can he feed them all breakfast with a goddamned little 12 oz. roll of Jimmy Dean sausage and 2 dozen eggs?

    • CapnFatback

      Ah, philosophy class!

      "What is the sound of one man snapping?"

      • Geminisunmars

        What is the sound of 12 oz. sizzling?

        • CapnFatback

          I dunno, but it's a goddamned far cry quieter than 16 fuckin' ounces, I'll tell you what.

    • I love that Maple and Sage flavor is a sissy "Northern" sausage, no doubt for

  • elfgoldsackring

    What did ah dun tole ya? No good comes a book-larnin'.

  • Bluestatelibel

    Way to go Georja', keeping it classy as usual.

    OT, but I just love me this Newt video slamming Mittens: Right now David Axelrod is asking Newt if he can pay for it using Pay Pal.

    • Geminisunmars

      That will be a good ad to recycle if/when Neutron Mitt gets the nom.

    • Radiotherapy

      Funny that all of a sudden the Repubs are against corporate raiders and unregulated Wall St. greed, srsly, WTF? What's the next step, pointing out the obvious that tax rates on the job creators are lower than ever?

    • Thank you so much. You totes calmed my hate-on.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    So…it appears that the devil really did go down to Georgia.

  • Mitt Romney's dick is two inches long. Chris Christie's dick is one and a half inch long. How many horse and donkey dicks would they have to add to their own in order to be equal to the Obama's dick?

    Extra credit: What about girth?

    • Loaded_Pants

      You're being much too generous to Chris Christie.

      • Pay no attention to the penis behind the fat roll.

  • Ducksworthy

    This is merely confirmation tthat slavery wasn't that bad. And they didn't need food stamps.

  • comrad_darkness

    If only the douchebag teachers in Georgia are beaten twice a day what percent of teachers will get beaten?

  • Poindexter718

    Sample cross-discipline math/science question from next semester, during the WW II unit: "If it takes 1 kilogram of Zyklon B to exterminate …"

  • BarackMyWorld

    To be fair, at least they weren't using that "slaves were well treated because they were expensive property" non-sense the Confederate apologists are always pushing.

    • memzilla

      Read the comments to the article. Guess all those pictures of black people with scars on their backs were 'shopped… back in 1860.

    • Jezus! You are fucking *kidding* me, right? Who the fuck is saying that?

      It's a good thing I have the blood pressure of a lizard. Right now I could pop an artery. Seriously, there are people saying this sort of thing? Would you mind telling me where? I need to go read this stuff for myself and see what their rationale, if any, is.

      • BarackMyWorld

        There are quite a few fringe historical groups that support the view. Economic historian Robert Fogel, to a lesser extent theologian Douglas Wilson, and they get a lot of support from some neo-confederates and some state rights proponents.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Henry has enough Red Phosphorous, Iodine, Anhydrous Ammonia, and Lithium to whip up three batches of crank. If each batch takes 36 hours to finish, how many times can he fuck his sister before his little cook-up is done, assuming his cousin doesn't nark him out and the county sheriff's drug task force doesn't raid the trailer in the meantime?

  • MissTaken

    I can only imagine the math questions during the WWII cross-curricular lesson

  • Come here a minute

    Fourteen. Seems everything is funny, but math is too hard for you, Wonkett.

    • fuflans

      this comment made me spit prosecco thru my teeth.

  • "President Roosevelt enters the war on the side of Hitler against the Soviet Union in 1939. How many Jews does he save by talking Adolf out of the worst excesses?"

    –Chapter 1 Story Problem from the new Pat Buchanan Middle School Reader

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      Trick question. The Holohoax was just propaganda!

  • hilbillyheroine

    We have so many good comments. Yet, "Barb", who obviously has nothing else to do but sit and refresh the page, makes the top comments. Half the shit this twit writes isn't even funny. This is the new standard for Wonkette? Are you serious?

    • It is. Now go back to creating your "cross-curricular activities."

    • Harry_S_Truman

      On the other hand, I'm sure they'll be reading and studying your writing long after they've stopped doing likewise with Shakespeare's . . .

      . . . but not until.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Somehow, I don't think your comment is going to generate a lot of excitement here.

    • emmelemm

      You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't think you'll find many sympathetic ears.

    • memzilla

      We don't beat on Barb because she is valuable property and it would cost too much to replace her.

      • We don't? (puts away paddle)

        Damn, I knew I shoulda read the rules.

        • memzilla

          This is the trope that is part of the New South's denial of racism, that there was no beating of slaves because of.

          It's right up there with saying the Old South was not founded on slavery.

          From the March 21, 1861 policy statement of Alexander Stephens, Vice President of the Confederate States of America, entitled African Slavery: The Corner-Stone of the Southern Confederacy, and easily googled:

          "Our new government [the Confederate States of America] is founded upon… the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man. That slavery – subordination to the superior [white] race – is his natural and moral condition. This – our new [Confederate] government – is the first in the history of the world based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth."

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender

            Don't forget the spurious claim that large numbers of slaves took up arms in defense of the Confederacy…

          • memzilla

            "Near the end of the war, [Judah] Benjamin [Treasurer of the CSA] privately persuaded Robert E. Lee and other Confederate military leaders that the South’s best chance was to emancipate any slave who volunteered to fight for the Confederacy. When Benjamin repeated this proposal to an audience of 10,000 persons in Richmond in 1864, his remarks lit a firestorm. Georgian Howell Cobb observed, "If slaves will make good soldiers, our whole theory of slavery is wrong." Benjamin’s idea, however valuable, was rejected as politically impossible. As Evans observes, 'The South chose [instead] to go down in defeat with the institution of slavery intact.'"

          • That Jew-boy Benjamin was lucky his Hebrew hindquarters didn't get blowed up after that bullshit.

          • Amusing. So they preferred death and defeat by their own stupidity and suspiciousness over a possible victory by finding common cause and revising their theory.

            You will doubtless be amused to hear that the British did the same with their colonial "possessions" in Southeast Asia. Rather than warn the local people and arm them against the expected invaders, they chose to lull them into a false sense of security by creating, and spreading the myth of, "Fortress Singapore." In the end, their own belief in their myth caused the fall of the island, which was a nerve center of communication and administration in the British Empire. That was the undoing of that empire.

          • That, I have heard, and have not yet amassed sufficient information to adequately refudiate (thanks, Scarah!) the charge, although I'm personally convinced it's ludicrous, to say the least.

          • Thank you for the cite, nonetheless. Providing adequate cites is an excellent habit.

          • memzilla

            Something I learned back in the BBS days: providing citations saves bandwidth. It instantly ends the "nuh-UH" responses.

            Here's another interesting citation. Speaking of Racial Gerrymandering, initially addressed by Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, here's a map of those regions with a history of voter discrimination.

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender

            providing citations saves bandwidth. It instantly ends the "nuh-UH" responses.

            No it doesn't.

          • This is Fighting. You want Argument.

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender

            Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!…. OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

            Stupid git.

          • I should've known you'd have the skit memorized.

          • Thank you very much, memzilla. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

          • Nice to see Brooklyn on there.

          • memzilla

            Manhattan, The Bronx, and Brooklyn — another legacy of Tammany Hall.

          • It's the same juvenile thinking that went behind the creation of the "No Homers Club" in the Simpsons, it just sounds more Romantic in the original Racist.

    • Excuse me, who the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you twatting around here for? I wasn't aware that you were in charge of setting standards. Disirregardless (and you can put your grammatical critique of that straight up your arse and give it the old two-fisted shove), I have no intention of adhering to them, so kindly fuck off and die forthwith.

      • Radiotherapy

        Who the fuck gave this troll six upfists? Srsly, Barb is the doyenne of the Wonkette Kommentariat. She's amazingly quick witted, gracious and grateful.
        Accidental, jealous or troll upfisting is the only answer.

        • Agreed. Barb is lovely, and much-loved by all, and with excellent reason. When I first got here I was all elbows and thumbs, and she showed me kindness that I will not forget. She's always been sweet and gracious to me, and trolls harass her at their risk.

    • finallyhappy

      So which of the teachers are you?

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      Oh, dear…I'm sorry, no, the correct answer is actually "Go Fuck Yourself, You Fucking Idiot, and Who Forced You at Gunpoint to Read This Blog Anyway, You Fucking Snotweasel?"

      But thanks for trying.

      • Thanks, Doc!
        (Only a fucking fuck picks on our beloved Barb!)

    • MissTaken

      Wonkette doesn't allow comments

      • emmelemm


        Also, "No one has lost any "

        • Dr Ozark Hellbender

          PS: YOU ARE FLITH

          • I'm putting that in my lexicon.

            Did you ever read Old Filth, by the bye?

          • Dr Ozark Hellbender
          • Yes, yes, you do, indeed. But you haven't answered my question, sweetie.

            Very interesting book. FILTH apparently stands for Failed In London, Try Hongkong.

    • Chichikovovich

      Hi Mz. Heroine:
      I hope you won't mind that I took the liberty of checking out your contributions to International Wonkettery, and certainly I don't want to criticize – de snarkibus non est disputandum, as the Latin Americans say – but you might want to work on your game a bit before you can expect the $50 a post that George Soros pays Barb.

    • sati_demise

      Sounds like a "Joke Off" is in order here.

      Sunrise, at the park, at ten paces.

    • What's with all the being a total dick?

    • Barb is funny. Shut up. We none of us will probably ever get the chance to nail her, this being the anonymous internet and all, but your odds just went way the fuck down. S'all good. If she ever does decide to give it up, I'ma have somma your slice.

  • In a way, this is a step forward. All their previous cross-curricular activities had to do with accelerants and how to get the damned things erected and lit before anyone caught them.

  • Data Exactly

    No reason to do any math – too backwards to face the front of the class.

  • smitallica

    Q: If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?
    A: Not enough, clearly, Amiright? Amiright?

  • Words fail me.

    • Geminisunmars

      From what I know about you, Palz, this must be a first.

      • It was, darlz. I recovered shortly thereafter and made my plaint in no uncertain terms. I'm still boiling.

        • Radiotherapy

          Math is hard.

          • Not nut-punching some people is often harder.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      Words fail. Buildings tumble.
      The ground opens wide.
      Light beams down from heaven.
      She stands before my eyes.

      She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me…

  • Wait, no, they don't. I don't even understand the purpose of this. What is the *sense* of introducing so fraught and painful and complex an issue as slavery into so mundane a subject as math? Will we be hearing about vaginas and abortions and anuses and santorum in math problems, next? Forming sentences having to do with genocide of the Native tribes? Calculating how many purses we can make out of Native women's genitalia if each "squaw's" genitals furnish the wherewithal for two-thirds of a coin purse?

    These people are fucking sickening!

    • Radiotherapy

      I'm thinking Tebow word problems are next. e.g. if The Bronco's are getting 7 points, how many prayers does Tebow have to say to cover?

      • I'm thinking I could do my constitution a world of good by hieing my gimpy ass thither and giving each and every one of those dumb fucks a hearty one-legged asskicking, is what I'm thinking. Dayum.

  • rocktonsam

    So these southerns are acting as though slavery was a bad thing?

  • proudgrampa

    OK, people. You all missed it. The answer is 42.

    Look it up.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      You're a hoopy frood who knows where his towel is.

  • MzNicky

    Oh, y'all are just elitist Yankees with your fancy math and all, plus YOU're the REAL racists!!

    If you'll excuse me now, it's past my drunk time.

    • emmelemm

      Decidedly off-topic: what an adorable dog you have in your avatar!

      • MzNicky

        Why thankee m'am. That there's Tilly, mah pitbull/hound dog mutt. She rules the household.

  • Biff

    I thought Georgians multiplied peaches?

  • Dr Ozark Hellbender

    Actually, they do have a point. Seven straight days of beatings WOULD make one weak.

    • elfgoldsackring

      Boom boom!

      • Dr Ozark Hellbender

        Everything I ever learned about humor can ultimately be traced back to Weekly Reader.

    • not that Dewey

      "Doktor, I have a weak back."

      "when did you first notice this?"

      "Oh, about a week back."

      • Dr Ozark Hellbender

        Doctor, it's the weirdest thing, I think I'm a dog!

        How long have you had this problem?

        Ever since I was a puppy!

        Well, lie down on the couch and tell me all about it.

        I can't! I'm not allowed on the furniture!

        • not that Dewey

          We need the eggs!

          • That is SO my favourite joke!

          • not that Dewey

            Especially the way Woody Allen tells it.

          • This is how favourite a joke it is: we no longer tell the joke, my partners and I. We just repeat the punchline. And then everybody laughs their ass off. And then we wonder why everyone around is looking at us funny.

        • Radiotherapy

          Guy goes into a doctor and says he has a problem with his junk.
          Doctor takes a look, winces and says "where have you been sticking that thing?"
          Patient says "in beans."
          "In beans??!? what kind of beans?"
          "Human Beans."

  • finallyhappy

    Hey, that is what the guy from Alabama told me about our exhibit on Race- we don't understand the South. For sure, that is correct- I do not understand how anyone could own a slave or continue to hate black people for so long.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Well, bless their hearts! [That's Southern for something really insulting, right?]

    • sati_demise

      why yes, yes it is, sugah.

  • Whatever idiocy is exposed by the article doesn't even come close to the ferocious idiocy expressed in the comments. Good god.

    That should be the fucking story here. Someone should write an article about the comments. Amazing.

    • Bluestatelibel

      Someone could write a story about the comments, but then there would be comments about the story on the comments, and on and on…The interwebs, they make my head spin sometimes!

    • No shit. I'm still reeling. THIS is why we can't have nice things, America. Srsly.

      • Yeah, what a fucking dump. And this is CBS, this is mainstream, it's not like its stormfront or something. And it is 95% the lowest racist crap you've ever heard.

        Really, the human race just needs to get like one more notch up on the evolutionary scale, or we won't make it another 1000 years.

    • Chichikovovich

      Absolutely agree with you there. The comments are so hateful and Cement head stupid that … Really, there's nothing to be said that can possibly convey it short of just reprinting them. Which I'm glad none of us is going to do.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Hah, Y'all, this iz Jawjah! Waer not haome rait naow, but if'n yew leaves uz a lil' ol' message 'n yer phone number after the beep, we promise we'll call y'all rait back!"
    Good Afternoon, Georgia. It's come to our attention that you've been misbehaving, acting out and generally making a pain in the ass out of yourself lately. We wish to remind you of our agreement all those years ago and strongly encourage you to straighten up.
    Don't make us come down there again. That march to the sea was unpleasant. For everybody. Sincerely, The Union.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Not exactly everybody.

    • Part of my favorite Lincoln Speech, 1859 (edited): "There is one other thing that I will say to you…. It is but my opinion, I give it to you without a fee. … We, the Republicans and others forming the opposition of the country, intend to "stand by our guns," to be patient and firm, and in the long run to beat you….

      We know that you are "all of a feather," and that we have to beat you all together, and we expect to do it. We don't intend to be very impatient about it. We mean to be as deliberate and calm about it as it is possible to be, but as firm and resolved as it is possible for men to be."

      Ah, and I love leaving the "We, the Republicans" because it shows how times have changed – because I guarantee that every last one of those racist pig commentators self identifies as a Republican.

      • tealsheart

        Sir, this is a family show.

      • C_R_Eature

        Thank you. A remarkable man, all kidding aside. Presided over the catastrophic sundering of a nation, ran a domestic war, lost a son, saw his wife descend into madness, fired generals, stood for election in the middle of a civil war – and won – and those are just the things I can remember.
        Whenever I think of Lincoln I can't help but see that last picture he had made of himself. sitting in the President's Mansion, South surrendered, war over. Just the hint of a smile, for the first time. He looked so ravaged. Later, he went to Ford's Theater, to have a well earned night off.
        And…"We the Republicans" and "Stick to our Guns" mean almost the exact opposite thing these days. I like the older definitions better. Much better.

  • a_pink_poodle

    448 oranges and 14 beatings. They're not that hard

  • user-of-owls

    I just have to say something here. An abomination like this and shit like campaign ads featuring armed dullards and shrill harpies would be soundly thrashed in the public arena here in fucking Arkansas.

    And you know, this is really not something you want to put on your fucking resume Georgia and Alabama. It just really isn't.

  • not that Dewey

    Sure, I'd be happy to expalinz howl I'm deweying.

    • Howl, is it? Not that Deweyin' howlishly would be unlike you, and all, but I thought that was our avian friend's preferred mode of communication.

  • Pretty damn surprisingly good, despite the usual physical pissing and moaning. And your good self, my fine-feathered friend? Did I mention 1491 arrived?

    • flamingpdog

      You're only 521 years behind, Palinz. What did you say they operated on again?

      • It's a book, darlz, which is why I italicized it. User-of-owls either was or still is reading it, and recommended it, and it now sits on my shelf waiting for me to get around to reading American (as in, of the American continents) history. Which will probably be around Xmas, when I take a lengthy reading holiday.

    • user-of-owls

      Yeah! Happy reading!

      Me? Paddling furiously along the wondrous river of life. Sometimes my arms get tired, and I hurt. Sometimes the currents carry me along and let me see the beauty, and I feel joy.

      • It makes me very happy to hear that. Success, victory, hug.

        I know you don't mean "HAPPY" reading. Although it's probably the kind of thing I will greatly appreciate, I suspect it's going to be extremely painful to read. Tell me true.

        • user-of-owls

          No, I really don't think so.

          Then again, I read stuff like this for a living. [That's just an excerpt…the book runs more than 300 pages.]

          And in fact, I write stuff like this for a living. And no, I won't tell you which chapter is mine. Life needs at least a bit of mystery, no?

          • That is the kind of book that inspires a reader to learn more. I must haz.

            I have now looked at the second link. This also I must haz.

            You will have your mystery, sir, and I will have my books. Thank you. It is a real pleasure to me to be on the receiving end of your literary and intellectual recommendations. I do suffer a great deal from reading about the sufferings of others, not that this has ever stopped me, but I can already tell that I will greatly enjoy all these books while also greatly suffering through them. Still, thank you very kindly. I look forward to more of such brain orts as and when they occur.

          • user-of-owls

            Be careful of the Lexicon of Terror, dear. It is very, very, very disturbing. Seriously. Take care with that one.

          • Thank you, dearest of Owls. (hugs the avian one)

            I shall intersperse my reading of that one with the watching of comedies, perhaps, or some light fiction.

  • tealsheart

    How the freak did they git them trees to grow oranges so evenly? How many trees total, how many slaves total.

    I seem to recall the "Magic ne'grow Oranges" in my stocking every year at Xmas.

    Fredrick git beat Twice daily you say, WTFreak was he doing, and were these beating at the same time each day, for the same length of time, for the same reason, by the same person? What, was he your 'go to' slave for beating

    Hey Toby, my ancestors beat you ancestors azz.
    Hey Susan, my grandDaddie fucked your grand mamma, we're related Cous'

    I needs to know shit like this
    I feel a MINI SERIES coming on.

  • He wouldn't happen to be an ex-VN vet with a particular hatred for "gooks" (and a fondness for that word), would he?

  • tealsheart

    Using Black people in math problems ALWAYS a bad move.

    Number of slaves: 8
    Number of trees: 400
    Slave owner Profit: Priceless

    I fucking hate orangeJuice

  • BarackMyWorld
  • DahBoner

    Used to be a "Liberal" in The South was someone who beat their slaves with insufficient fervor ….

  • Negropolis

    Keep fuckin' that chicken, Georgia! Remember, though, racism doesn't exist, anymore!

    What, no insensitive math questions on the Irish potato famine or the Holocaust? Racism FAIL.

    • They're gettin' around to it, I'm sure.

      • I doubt that given the rich history of bigotry that the Irish and Scots contributed to the South.

        • Negropolis

          lol, I was going to say that they'd probably skip over the latter, but they'd definitely make sure to hit up on the former. Of my own significant European background, most of its Scottish…and not by consent or choice if I'm to be honest.

        • I haven't read much about the history of the Scots in the South, but many of the Irish who arrived there were indentured servants or slaves themselves. Irish women would sometimes marry black slaves because slaves could always be manumitted, whereas indentured servitude could last over the lifetime of the indentured person and extend into the lifetimes of their children.

          I'm afraid I can't give you a more exact cite on that, I read it over 20 years ago, but I just Googled it to make doubly sure, and there are references to it on Google, although not to the exact document (which, IIRC, was a discussion on the legal rights of African-Americans throughout US history).

          • Negropolis

            It was mostly Scots-Irish/Ulster Scots (as opposed to the just plain Scottish or Irish) aristocracy were overrepresented in the plantation economy, though, Protestants of either the Scottish or Irish were also represented pretty well in that class, as were lots of family in the North of England. The Irish Catholics were poorer and basically slaves, themselves, so, yeah, not so much for them. But, this region of the islands definitely brought over some particularly brutal, racial ideologies.

  • tealsheart

    You heard of high tech lynching, well this is worst.

  • ttommyunger

    You think the Math is strange, you should get a peek at the English Lit. curriculum. Required reading is pretty much limited to the Book Genesis and Song of the South.

  • tealsheart

    Another meaning of 'cross-curricular activity' is teaching what the KkK teach

  • Local_Mojo

    Only 5% of the students and faculty at Beaver Ridge are white, so these were almost certainly written by an Hispanic or African-American teacher.

  • Still not as bad as most home "schooling" books on "history" with regards to slavery and how much the slaves supposedly dug it. Which makes all the beatings and odd legal issues to keep them on their plantations seem a bit strange.

  • BZ1

    "to determine what staff development is needed for the teachers," I don't know, common sense??

  • snoopyfan2010

    Just imagine what would have happened if they were reading about the holocaust instead. Bad math indeed.

  • Crowe2011

    It's the bad grammar which is the most offensive, surely. "How MANY would each slave pick", please. Have some standards amongst your Lost Cause nonsense.

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