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Alabama Nut Will Shoot Anyone Who Steals His Wife’s Campaign Signs

Who is this crazy lady who isn’t allowed to get out of her truck until her husband first gets out and says his piece about why he is permitting her to run for office? She’s Kathy Peterson, Republican candidate for President of the Alabama Public Service Commission and wife of briefly famous redneck and failed Alabama Agriculture Commissioner candidate Dale Peterson, the guy who successfully nabbed a few seconds of viral stardom in 2010 for some terrifying campaign ads that consisted of Peterson waving his rifle around and swearing oaths and a hail of buckshot against any mis-cree-ants fixin’ to thieve his yard signs. This is pretty much just that all over again in 2012, especially at the end of the video, as the Internet’s comedy reward for laughing at this violent maniac a couple years ago.

Poor Kathy Peterson, she is as insane as her husband! We too would be terrified of the Environmental Protection Agency if, as she warns in the video around 1:10, the EPA were plotting to “shut down energy” and do mass murder to “get rid of people just to create their ‘perfect world.’” Here we all thought environmentalists were trying to save humanity, for whatever mysterious reason!

What IS scary is that you will have to watch all the way until 1:50 (or who cares, just fast forward) to giggle at Dale Peterson getting out his gun and promising to shoot everyone who goes near his wife’s yard signs. Greatest campaign video of 2012, so far. [YouTube]

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186 comments

  1. MittsHairHelmet

    After that original viral video, Dale Peterson clearly realized that the UN, ACORN, PBS and Major League Baseball were onto him, so he recruited his wife to run in his stead while he pulls the strings from behind the scenes. Savvy.

    1. paxromanaclef

      Not to be all humorless and buzzkill (well, actually exactly to be all humorless and buzzkill), but why is that "obligatory"?

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Dude, if you're so much in favor of your wife winning, why do you only let her put the sign on her side of the truck??? Hmm?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I think that part (I assume you are talking about his name there on the rear quarter passenger side window) is just left over from his run in 2010. I bet these fuckers have their Christmas lights up all year round too.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I watched a little bit of the Whateverthefuck Bowl last night, in Mobile AL. The Mobile C-of-C ran some ads encouraging all of us to come on down and spend our tourist dollars with them. I was all, like, what the fuck?

    1. WootInTarnation

      The crack-whore mascara 'n' eyeliner-palooza? Ya gotta tone it down, sugar. It ain't line-dancin' night at the Atlanta Eagle.

      Her hubby seems to be very concerned with his hazelnut of a penis. It's truly pathetic the way he clutches that rifle in desperation like a Dickensian orphan with a moldy rusk.

      They'll get some votes, I reckon. The stirring straight-to-DVD Akshun Movie soundtrack make me all tingly in my horse-sittin' parts.

      Did you note the expression on the (4-legged) horse's face in ol' Dale's first ad? "Quit yelling in my ear, you asshole!" Horses can develop strong bonds with their people. His horse seemed to be trying to edge his way out of the frame.

  3. Not_So_Much

    What in the holy hand grenade of antioch is in the fucking inbred water down there?

    The air quotes were creepily innovative. But I'd be more impressed if she had yanked the macaw out of the llama's ass to prove her bona fides as someone willing to do Alabama's dirty work.

  4. CliveWarren

    1:14 – 1:17
    Those are the scariest, slowest, most dramatic, arthiritic scare quotes I've ever done seen…

    1. Neoyorquino

      La llama es un quadrupedo que vive en los grandes del Amazon. Tiene dos orejas, un corazón, una frente y un pico para comer miel. (The Llama is a quadruped which lives in the large rivers of the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey.)

  5. KeepFnThatChicken

    Someone who "had [a career]" in private enterprise wants to head up a public service commission. So this will be a great use of her…

    …marketing degree.

    1. WootInTarnation

      From, where was it? The fine institution of Degreez Are Our Steez Online University?

      I'm always baffled by the fact that these people have multiple advanced degrees. Despite the fact that I suspect a bright 8 year old could graduate from the fine and obscure institutions that title their degrees, school costs money even if the admissions office is located in a storage unit.

      I'd love to go back to school after spending years running my own businesses. (Yes, I was a job creator.) But a serious injury, and two ailing parents later, I'm afraid the cost is far beyond my means. Then I remember the graft. Ah yes, the graft.

      1. PsycWench

        And the fingers were oddly spaced wide, like maybe she was going for full claw and realized this was a two-finger activity, full claw is for Dale later tonight.

  6. Pres.Libunatic

    She shore has deep roots in Al-uh-Bama … except for those classes she took from that librul elite Ivy League school up in Philadelphia.

    Oh, and raising llamas is now seriously a qualification for public office? What is this, The Sims?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They also filmed a sequence at the Peterson Earthworm Farm, but thankfully it didn't make the cut.

      What the fuck good are llamas (or alpacas, for that matter), if you don't live in the fucking Andes?

    2. Guppy

      On the other hand, she "never had a hand-out," except for getting her undergrad in a soshulist state school…

        1. __kth__

          Not so fast , though perhaps it's not so much a warning.

          Rushed here to post "banjoes playing through the broken glass", should have known it would have been covered in the first couple dozen posts.

    1. Not_So_Much

      It's a-cuz she was borned pooor! All her fambly could afford wuz someone to keep a-mashin' her baby face into clay and then squarshin' that onto old newspaper.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        She looks like a dead baby from the opening credits of that awful new show "American Horror Story," from the producers of "Glee." It's so bad, it almost makes you think there IS a gay agenda to destroy the country.

        1. fuflans

          i had to watch a bunch of SAG stuff for awards this year (fucking unions.). I actually liked 'american horror story'. however, mr fuflans was having none of it. 'you make me watch another episode of that and i'm going on home'.

          mr. fuflans is from the south.

  7. Indiepalin

    They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
    They call me Deacon Blues

    That's it! I'm rooting for the Tigers tonight.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I just hope we don't have to suffer through another field-goal fest, or I'm crashed out at halftime.

      1. Chichikovovich

        I vaguely remember a game between Iowa and Penn State a few years ago that ended 6-4 Iowa. Two field goals for Iowa, two safeties for Penn State (one of the safeties conceded intentionally by Iowa toward the end of the game, to avoid punting out of the endzone.)

        I'm wondering if I may see my first 2-0 game tonight.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    That musical score puts me in mind of the final scene of James Cameron's "Aliens". Action-fucking-packed.

    1. CapnFatback

      No, not scare quotes. Scare quotes should never linger for five seconds. I know that tactic–she totally copped a feel on whoever was holding that camera.

  9. Blueb4sunrise

    :32

    LLAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!
    BEOTCHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    DAMMIT BALDAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. paris biltong

    Public service commission? They want to control our lives, for heaven's sake! They're trying to service us as if we were cows! Down with big guvmint!

        1. Steverino247

          Gotta love The Onion…

          "The way things stand, things in the Deep South almost have to get better. Otherwise, the people who live there will devolve into preverbal, overall-wearing sub-morons within a century," said Professor Dennis Lassiter of Princeton University. "Either Southerners will start improving themselves, or they'll be sold to middle-class Asians as pets."

          Only took ten years, not the predicted century.

          1. Negropolis

            "Either Southerners will start improving themselves, or they'll be sold to middle-class Asians as pets."

            I'm laughing so hard that I feel guilty.

    1. comrad_darkness

      It will first have to figure out how to find its own ass with both hands. Based on these two yahoos, no risk of that.

  11. SoBeach

    I give it an 8 just for the ominous, crashing chords at the end. Sounds like the final scene of a Van Damme move where he karate kicks a villain's head clean off his neck or something.

  12. PsycWench

    I'm worried about these "Office-Hawpin'" politicians but excited about the countdown until the University of Pennsylvania slaps these two with a cease-and-desist order.

    1. FraAnima

      I too was speculating on the nature of her (air quote) continued study (end air quote) at Wharton. Night class? Blow jobs for a professor?

      1. PsycWench

        Oh, thank you. Last semester was devoted to coordinating and teaching "Principles of Neuroscience" for the first time and it took over my life.

  13. Allmighty_Manos

    If she filed papers in SC right now, she too could come within eight votes of beating Mitt Romney

      1. teatarded2012

        I think either Lamas would be dangerous….ohhhh shes good. Shes really good!
        Whup. There goes my vote ( and my lunch).

    1. paris biltong

      What is it she says? Give a drip? Give a grit? Give a prick? Southern colloquialism no doubt.

  14. BigDumbRedDog

    If I had to listen to that god damned accent all day long I swear to god I would kill myself or somebody else. Guess I'm staying safely north of the mason-dixon line for my own safety.

    1. teatarded2012

      Smart doggie. Those of us with our southern roots have done as much as possible to cover them up with hair dye and a Chicago "soutside" accent.

  15. Callyson

    "experience in both the corporate and private sectors"
    Well, at least she admits that the corporate sector is not fully private…
    …no handouts, right…

  16. SayItWithWookies

    I love how she gets out of the truck and then chases the cameraman down while reciting her resume. That's probably why her neighbors wait until she's out of sight before dashing out of the house to retrieve the morning paper.

  17. UnholyMoses

    Why would they have someone take her college graduation pic into MS Paint to color over the background? (Perhaps she was too close to those with a dusky hue.)

    My fave part is at the :42 mark, when she looks as if she was going to attack the cameraman.

    Then… well … that's as far as I got, as it's all I could take. And I have the sound off …

    1. Steverino247

      In partial response: 6th Alabama Regiment:
      91 killed, 277 wounded – BAttle of Seven Pines

      Lost a lot of good breeding stock and had to make up for it after the war with what they had left over.

  18. Goonemeritus

    She lost me when she confessed to “Giving a rip about Alabama”. After that revelation how can anyone trust her judgment?

  19. CapnFatback

    "Oh, and by the way, I'll be the one lookin' after Kathy's yard signs."

    Apparently, "yard signs" is Alabaman for "early-onset Alzheimer's."

  20. mavenmaven

    What does "give a rip" mean? Is that past tense for rape, like "I'm going to rape America's resources", or "after my term, the wildlife and natural resources of our state will have felt ripped"?

  21. LettucePrey

    "…and additional advanced studies at Wharton School of Business."

    Oh, you mean that pseudo-degree mill that advertises on billboards and in TIME Magazine? Okay, then.

  22. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Gaahhh …. about a minute into this horror, "gettin' rid of people" starts to sound like not such a bad idea. Can we start with this pair of idiots?

  23. Beowoof

    Wouldn't want that EPA "Perfect World", so she is saying Alabama needs more people to suffer and die from various environmental toxins and if you vote for her she will make it happen.

  24. Nostrildamus

    Judging by the blazer and lipstick, she's lost the gay vote already. So why the disco leather soundtrack?

  25. MissTaken

    True story! My dad and I went to Mobile after Katrina to inspect some family property for hurricane damage. At the hotel when the clerk took our id's he said we made an awfully good looking couple and would we like a king sized bed. When your dad has to say "uh, this is my daughter, not my wife" you know you are in a strange land.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        It's just a matter of convenience to have several family members in one. Less to spend on holidays, reunions, etc.

  26. starfanglednut

    This add was clearly made ironically using imovie by their stoned hipster son who is living in their basement until he finishes his PhD thesis on socialism/gets a job a McDonalds.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      As I recall, the First Law says it can't be created or destroyed, but it doesn't say anything about being banned. Duz it to you?

  27. teebob2000

    The EPA shutting down energy — I assume she goes into a bit more detail on her campaign website? Or does she just say that because ol' Dale telled her to put it in there?

  28. voodooeconomics

    .She never finished the ad properly." I sweaar we throw the blacks and spiks out at the first chance i got" ..listen up dumbasses from Alaabaama

  29. Fawkdifiknow

    I laaak the way Kathy stays on message by maaakin' that pistol gesture with her fingers. Very professional.

  30. owhatever

    Now I gotta drive all the way down to Alabama to tear up some of Kathy's yard signs just to piss off her husband.

  31. fartknocker

    Give that woman some decaffinated tea. Jesus, she's wound up tighter than Rick Perry at a gay rodeo.

  32. VaWyo

    Had a hard time looking beyond the bad bleach job and clown makeup to listen to what she said (in that shrill wound-tight republican lady southern accent). But I did and she's crazy.

  33. natoslug

    So they won't support gay rights in Alabama, but they have no problem with putting blonde wigs on orangutangs and claiming to have married them? That is one fucked up state. Oh, and Dr. Zaius libel, dammit!

    1. Negropolis

      Heathens. Up here in Michigan, being under Sharia Law and all, every woman is burka'ed, and some get burka'ed twice. Hell, we're so faithful, that even some of the overweight men with breasteses have to have a burqa.

  34. Poindexter718

    "Not born with a silver spoon in [her] mouth"???
    I find that very hard to believe. Impeccable diction, fashion sense and she lets the gentleman drive–She seems extraordinarily well bred.

      1. ttommyunger

        Don't get me started, I haven't even mentioned that face. She and Mrs. Santorum would tie in an “ugly-off”.

  35. Negropolis

    ROTFLMAO!

    This is a joke, right? I'm laughing so hard I can barely type! This has got to be a pardoy, right? The music, the acting, the premature, wait-to-pounce air quotes, the aggressive walking toward the camera…O M G.

    Forget Alabama Public Service Commission. Someone give this woman a fucking TV show on TLC, already, and name it "Hillbilly Politikin'" or some shit.

  36. Negropolis

    Watching this video, I don't know whether to laugh, or a file a PPO against this loony toon.

    She may have not been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she was born with her foot in her mouth, apparently.

  37. Huevos Ocupados

    For a second there I thought I was playing one of those zombie arcade games where you shoot the plastic riffle at the screen.

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