No pies, no piece! Apparently since dull turd Mitt Romney’s campaign message “Comrade Barack Obama is only here to steal yer munnies” comes across like he is just some anxious unlikable rich guy worrying over his fortune, hahaha which he is, Mittens’ sweaty-shiny new campaign trail attack frog Chris Christie will polish it up with something a little bit more relatable to the oversize Republican base, like a dessert food metaphor. Ready for it? Chris Christie is not about to let Barack Obama steal his chunk of the pie, guys!

On Sunday, Christie addressed a gaggle of New Hampshirites who had the misfortune to accidentally wander into a Mitt Romney “rally” (euphemism). The National Review catapults the propaganda thusly:

Referring to President Obama’s class warfare rhetoric, Christie said that Obama’s solution was to take “pie” from those who had a bigger “piece,” keep the bulk of it, and then give some to those with a smaller piece. In contrast to that,  “what Mitt Romney believes [is] that the size of the American piece is infinite,” Christie said.

Extended metaphor about infinite pie? Someone sounds EXCITED!!!! [National Review]

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  • Barb

    Christie has more Chins than the Shanghai white pages.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I almost made a correction, but I didn't.

    • Fun fact: In China most people have one of a small number of surnames. They call them "The 100 Families" (Bǎijiāxìng). It's part mythology, as there are many more than 100 family names. But most Chinese have one of those 100 names.

      My Chinese name — given to me by a member of the Wang family (stop it! are you in third grade?) — is Qing Wa. Which probably means "smart and good looking".

      • HateMachine

        It's entirely possible that I misunderstood in my Mandarin 1010 class last semester, but the doesn't character for the "Wang" surname means 'king'?

        Somehow that just compounds the entendres for me. Especially since my textbook featured a person in its sample dialogue that kept being called Xiao (little) Wang.

      • Zhen de ma? Looks more like it means "small yellow frog."

    • Radiotherapy

      I'll bet there are plenty of Pei's.

    • Dammit, Barb, that's MY line! Besides, it's "more Chins than the HongKong telephone book." Sheesh.

      (Hugs the Barb sneakily anyway)

    • CapnFatback

      Saaayyy . . . I think I saw your act. Did you open for Joey Bishop at the Sands in '62?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Christie yells at the microwave: "Hurry!"

      My apologies to Joan Rivers.

  • nounverb911

    Sorry, Christie already ate all the pie.

  • SorosBot

    A guy the size of Christie is talking about pie? He's making it awfully hard to avoid the easy fat jokes.

    • Barb

      He makes it easy to talk about the 500 lb gorilla in the room.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Remember what Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said about Boss BlunderRush?

        "They call him the 800-pound gorilla in the room. That really isn't fair. He probably doesn't weigh more than 400."

  • VinnyThePooh

    That's a big Twinkie.

  • Come here a minute

    The Republican philosophy is that the pie is infinite, but I'm still not giving you any!

  • pinkocommi

    “what Mitt Romney believes [is] that the size of the American piece is infinite”

    Kind of like Christie's waistline.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Monty Python exploding diner jokes.

    • proudgrampa

      Your link didn't go anywhere for me. But "Bring me a bucket!" is the best line ever in all of moviedom.

    • Steverino247

      After all, the Republican platform is wafer thin.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I'm starting to wonder what the daily average is for references/links to Monty Python are among the comments.

      Also "The Simpsons", too.

      • Come here a minute


  • Dashboard Buddha

    "that the size of the American piece Christie's belt is infinite,”


    • The Vast Waistband.

      • Loaded_Pants

        America's current patriotic motto.

  • x111e7thst

    So maybe Christie has to be helicoptered everywhere because it is the only way to convey all that infinite pie.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Christie's fantasy is to be lowered by helicopter onto an infinite pie.

  • the pie is infinite. just like election season.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Infinite Pie is going to be the name of my next rock band.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Infinite pi?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Yeah, right Mitt/Christie

    A unionized public employee, a member of the Tea Party and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table there is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across and takes 11 cookies, looks at the tea partier and says,"look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

    • CZL

      I'm upfisting you so hard right now…

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Thank you! I wish I could take credit for writing that.

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          I've heard/ seen that one a hundred times and I STILL love it, cuz it's EXACTLY how these motherfuckers operate…and the brain dead teabaggers ALWAYS fall for it

      • Loaded_Pants

        Mmm, hard upfisting…and cookies!

  • memzilla

    Dear Gov. Christie:

    I sincerely appreciate your use of a baked-goods metaphor in regards to leadership of a country. It worked out so well for me!

    Kind regards,
    Marie Antoinette

  • coolhandnuke

    Pi X50= Christie's waist.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mitt the fit could eat no fat
    Wife Chrissy could eat no lean
    And so between them both, you see,
    They licked the Santorum clean.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ew. And here I was thinking nice thoughts about limitless pie.

  • freakishlywrong

    Chris Christie invoking pie is as outrageous as Mittens invoking how fun it is to fire people..wait, what?

  • ThundercatHo


  • Christie probably explains everything in food metaphors. Birds and bees = hot dogs and donuts.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    "Stay far from timid, only make moves when your hearts in it, and live the phrase 'Pie's infinite'" -The Notorious BIG

  • SexySmurf

    Christie added, "Obama is like those jerks at the Old Country Buffet, who claim it's 'all you can eat', but won't let you remove the steamer trays and take them into the bathroom with you."

  • PsycWench

    Pi is infinite. The American pie is clearly not. Someone misunderstook high school algebra.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Pi is irrational, much like today's Republican party which has infinite irrationality.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Pi is transcendental, very much unlike the GOOP.

  • MissTaken

    Let them eat cake!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Ok, fat jokes aside…

    ….yeah, I got nothing.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Fat jokes are never a side dish.

  • chascates

    Romney/Christie 2012. Obama second term.

    • RavenRant

      Republican/Republican 2012. Obama second term.

      (Second term, could he choose a Chief of Staff who's not a Clinton retread/bank whore?)

  • freakishlywrong

    “Somebody’s going down tonight, but it ain’t going to be jobs, sweetheart,” Christie rejoined from the stage as the chanting continued from a cluster in the audience.
    What the fuck does this even mean? Are jobs people too now, my friends?

    • MissTaken

      Blowjobs are people, too!

      • Biff

        I love people!

      • Generation[redacted]

        You want the job, don't you?

      • Steverino247

        I was going to write something witty, but all the blood suddenly left my brain when I saw the word "blowjob."

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Where'd it go? Oh, nevermind.

    • Callyson

      Rick Perry is pissed that Christie stole his pick up line. It was working so well with all those hot campaign volunteers…and WTH else does anyone think he's still running?

      • RavenRant

        Those hot, anst-y, gay-hatin' closeted gay campaign volunteers?

    • SorosBot

      He was talking to a female protestor, so I guess he was offering to give her a good pussy-licking; which must have disgusted her, because Chris Christie, ew.

      • PsycWench

        Pass the brain bleach, Soros.

        • SorosBot

          Are you saying you wouldn't want Gov. Christie's big, slobbering mouth with his multiple chins to go down on you?

          • PsycWench


        • Srsly. The thought of that meaty tongue emerging from that gaping maw is enough to…

          #passes out

          • RavenRant

            Busy scribbling horror movie proposal – $$$.

      • MissTaken

        Oh dear!

    • GOPCrusher

      Now the Occupy protestors are Obama's soldiers in his class warfare agenda. But Tea Baggers were a "grassroots" movement?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      “Somebody’s going down tonight, but it ain’t going to be jobs, sweetheart,”

      I'm pretty sure he was talking about the deceased Apple Computer CEO's interment, correctly noting it took place probably a couple weeks ago, at least.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    It would do Christie some good to give up a piece or two of pie now and then. And maybe go out for a walk while your at it, you disgusting fat fuck.

  • ttommyunger

    …Goes without saying; I mean, look at the man!

  • MissTaken

    If the piece of pie is infinite, then how big is the whole pie? Still not as big as Christie's waistline I'm sure.

  • littlebigdaddy

    What type of pie, though? I hate anything with coconut.

  • Lard ass Lard ass Lard ass! Chow down, wide load!

  • DaRooster

    Barry, it sounds like Michelle should handle this one…

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Christie's weight: ∞

  • bureaucrap

    Not so much an attack frog as an attack walrus. Ook-ook a chook.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Ha ha. Don't tell the republicans, but I put santorum in the chocolate cream pie.

    • proudgrampa

      Damn! I will never eat chocolate cream pie again!

    • Gettting ideas from "The Help"?

  • SnarkoMarx

    Back in the 70's Rush Limbaugh was brodcasting under the name "Jeff Christie". Now we see "Chris" Christie with the exact same silhouette as Rush. Coincidence? I'm not so sure.

  • DaRooster

    "Me want MORE PIE Han Solo!!"

  • Biff

    Because making the pie higher worked so well for george the 2nd.

  • jus_wonderin

    Pie???!!! What kind???

    • proudgrampa

      Not the chocolate cream! See BigDumbRedDog.

  • Callyson

    Christie ended with a plea to Granite State voters.
    “New Hampshire, everyone is watching you,” he said. “Send a strong message back, when America is watching on Tuesday night. You tell them we’ve seen presidential candidates up and down in this state, and we know a president when we see one, and he is right here.”
    A pie in the face…you can do it, New Hampshire!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Notice that the campaign never devolves into fractions — but then again, Americans suck at maths.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Somebody's piehole needs welding shut, is the real point here.

  • Schmannnity

    The unfortunate downside from Greenpeace's efforts at whale protection.

  • freakishlywrong

    Don't the fucking Republicans already HAVE all the pie?

  • Fucking pies. How do they work?

    • Not_So_Much

      Infinite pies go in Christie's piehole, infinite…never mind.

  • SexySmurf

    Mmmmm, infant pie.

  • I, for one, would like to know how many pies had to be sacrificed in order to torture that metaphor.

    • RavenRant

      I believe you meant to say, "robustly interrogate" that metaphor.

  • Schmannnity
    • Tundra Grifter


      When I was in college the dorm has a pie-eating contest. Only a couple of kids entered – and there were dozens of pies.

      My room mate started to take off and I said "Stick around; this is going to be fun."

      Sure enough, one of the contestants shoved loose pie into the face of another one, and the fight was one.

      These were, of course, real pies. I remember several kids grabbing one, starting to throw it, thought twice about actually eating it and then figured this chance was never going to repeat.

      The air was full of pies.

      • Schmannnity

        I guess I truly have arrested adolescence if I still laugh at an 80-year-old Three Stooges piefight.

  • DaRooster

    Infinite pie sure makes Trivial Pursuit go on forever…

  • They look like a vaudeville act.

  • zappadoo76

    “What Mitt Romney believes [is] that the size of the American piece is infinite."

    No it isn't. The market has limits, and we have hit them. Now comes starvation and fascism–with or without a sacred garment. With or without blackface. With or without Big Pussy Bonpensiero as VeePee.

    • bikerlaureate

      Class warfare rhetoric-slingin', medical care for the poors'-lovin', Consumer Protection Agency empowerin' Obama's problem here is that he refuses to accept that those with bigger pieces of the infinite pie baked 'em up themselves, with absolutely no resources provided by all of the jealous little pie-envying serfs.

    • Negropolis

      So, President Obama is "blackface" in this description, right? Stay klassy.

      • zappadoo76

        An Oreo. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

  • Infinite pie??? Sounds like a Herman Cain idea to me!

    • Generation[redacted]

      That would be "Infinite pie for $9.99"

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Except this is a shit pie with a nice santorum meringue and Romney is going to make sure each and every one of us gets a facefull.

  • MissTaken

    Dough goes in, pie comes out.

    • SorosBot

      Now you're making it sound like Christie is bulimic.

      • MissTaken

        He makes me vomit, maybe that happens to him, too?

  • Limeylizzie

    Ok, due to my legendary, on Wonkette, size 34Gs I would never tuck in a shirt, I would look as if I was about to topple over, Chris Christie needs to learn by my example.

    • jus_wonderin

      I do wonder which Defense Contractor makes his belts.

    • MissTaken

      I thought I won with 36E's. I bow down to you, well two inches down before my boobs hit the ground.

      And yes, shirt tucking-in is definitely a no-no

      • Limeylizzie

        Really, anything over a “D” cup is a tad excessive, don't you think?

        • Steverino247

          Anything over a hand/mouth full is excessive, but what the hell. This is America, dammit!

      • SorosBot

        Oh great, all this breast discussion is making it heard to think – aaah boobs.

        • proudgrampa

          Casabas! I LOVE me some casabas!

          • SorosBot

            It's the breast comment thread ever.

          • proudgrampa

            Well played, sir!

        • MissTaken

          Yay for Boobies! Speaking of, what's Kitty Harris been up to these days?

  • Radiotherapy

    Sewer rat might taste like infinite pie, but that don't mean I'm gonna that shitty metaphor.

  • mavenmaven

    I wish you hadn't directed me to the NRO "corner", because I would have been a better person not knowing that Todd Palin endorsed a candidate

    • jus_wonderin

      This HAS to be a case of Todd believing Newt is "a man he could share a hooker with."

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    No, it's okay, just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.

  • The American piece may be infinite, but Chris Christie's piece could be squeezed into a thimble.

  • GOPCrusher

    I blame Steve Guttenberg and Police Academy.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …but I love his bibles.

  • Geminisunmars

    I like how with photoshop you can make it appear like the "before" and "after" are in the same shot.

  • meatlofer

    HE IS NOT FAT! (he's just real easy to see)

    • widestanceshakedown

      Even from space.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I like his plan to fix the economy. With an infinite GDP we can have a 0.01% flat tax rate and still have infinite funding for highways, wars, and other government programs.

  • mavenmaven

    And on the subject of tools making me sick, who is this moron?…!

  • Thurman Munster IV


  • Indiepalin

    Headline of the day (RedState):

    "Ron Paul: Elitist Pig"

  • Bluestatelibel

    Judging from the looks of Chris Christie, it would actually do him a LOT of good to let a few other people at that pie.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    They should both shut their pie holes

  • Indiepalin

    He should have taken that offer to replace Charlie Sheen in "Two and a Half Tons"

  • WhatTheHeck

    99% of the pie is eaten by 1% of the population.
    1% of the pie is left over for the remaining 99% of the population.
    Do the math. Pie charts create jobs.

  • neiltheblaze

    I, for one, wouldn't think of trying to stand between Chris Christie and his pie.

  • widestanceshakedown

    His transformation into Eric Cartman is coming along nicely.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'm rather surprised Christie hasn't abandoned a belt for suspenders. That's usually the route taken by folks with Dunlaps Disease.

  • widestanceshakedown

    I like it better when Christie talks about belt tightening, something he knows all about, albeit from within, and not as an austerity measure.

  • *mrmph*


    Must… resist…

    "I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman."


  • Christie lives for the infinite feedbag.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    "Make the pie higher." George W. Bush (gone, but not forgotten, though I wish I could.)

  • hagajim

    Wrong message from the wrong guy. How do you get any sympathy when the messenger looks like he ate the whole fucking pie – about 17 times?

  • Steverino247

    Christie's sexual orientation isn't straight or gay, but food.

  • owhatever

    Wet-dreamin' about Boston Cream Pie. Just sayin'.

  • Make the pie higher!

  • HarryButtle

    Them good ol' boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye, singin' this'll be the day that I die.

  • raygotaway

    Too easy. Christie pie eating jokes write themselves.

  • SayItWithWookies

    The pie is infinite — so everybody gets all the pie!

  • BornInATrailer

    All that pie talk gave Christie a chubber. Thankfully he's fat enough that no one could tell.

  • "And our mommas would say, 'did y'all eat the pie?!', and we go, 'Naw, the fat fuck Governor of New Jersey ate the pie!!'"

  • Steverino247

    Some people have attack dogs. Mitt Romulan has an attack pig,

  • All this talk of pie is making me hungry. I love pie.

  • Eve8Apples

    Infinite pie –Tell that to the folks who are underwater on their mortgage, the folks who have lost their home in foreclosure and the workers who have been unemployed for two years. "Don't worry dude – the pie is infinite. One day the pie will trickle down on you."

  • This man knows his pie.

  • Data Exactly

    Relevant political commentary. Sometimes you just gotta toss the gummies and see where they land.

  • user-of-owls

    Short Fat people got no reason to live.

  • ttommyunger

    Word bubble over Chris' head: " Mitt, I can't find my dick, how 'bout giving me a hand?"

  • Negropolis

    The bullshit is strong with this one.

    Infinite pie? Sounds so existential; it's like what he imagines heaven to be in a visual. He probably jizzed his pants just saying the words.

  • lloydstool

    According to this PIE CHART, Christie's PIE HOLE is a victim of owner abuse, and in need of a helicopter ride to that great PIE IN THE SKY. Either that, or a gig on Fox.

  • DahBoner

    His job is to grow the pie higher!

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