gifzette daily briefing

Republicans Finally Done Talking in New Hampshire

WHEN WILL THESE JERKS STOP TALKINGNEW YORK—You know, some of us who thought the Iraq War was a dumb idea might still be just a little bit bitter about having been accused time and again of being unpatriotic America-haters by war proponents on the Republican side of the aisle (ok, sure: more than a little bitter). And despite the fact that this line of attack was patently preposterous at the time, it was really brought into stark relief over the weekend when Republicans—the very same people who once accused anti-war Democrats of hating America—turned around and levied a brazen attack on the American people with back-to-back Republican debates in New Hampshire. It’s a miracle any of us survived!

The bad news here is that none of these jerks is going to go away any time soon it seems, seeing how the expectations game now puts the bar for Romney’s inevitable victory at 40%, which he won’t hit, and so the show goes on to South Carolina, and then to Florida, and then to Super Tuesday, until we all go mad.

But about those debates. Oh. My. God. So let’s forget about Saturday; that was generally unmemorable anyway apart from Perry’s promise to re-invade Iraq. But Sunday! Boy, Sunday was something else.

So David Gregory kept doing this really bizarre thing? First when he announced, as a matter of fact, that we live in an Age of Austerity (as if this is simply A Thing That’s Already Been Established and not, you know, just one side of arguably the single most important distinction voters will decide upon in November—whether to elect a party that will that will just gut every surviving remnant of the New Deal so it can cut taxes on the wealthy and still not do anything about the debt, or whether to elect a party that believes governments can actually be a force for good, especially in recessionary times), and then again when he asked candidate after candidate how they would Bring The Pain on the American people. Which was really weird? He kept saying it over and over again—”pain”—and kept coming back to that word in such a bizarrely fetishistic way as if to suggest that the financial wellbeing of the American people were some kind of monster truck rally and all he hoped to see was a big smash-up. Does Keith Olbermann still have a show? Because David Gregory sure ought to be today’s Worst Person in the World.

But one thing that really stood out for us in particular was the exchange on gay rights—the one where, according to many pundits, Santorum and Romney both scored big points. Now here’s how it went down: WHDH’s Andy Hiller reminded Romney of a pledge the latter had made in ’94 to “‘be a voice in the Republican Party to foster anti-discimination efforts’ in the gay community,” and then asked what Romney had done in service of that pledge. Romney replied:

From the very beginning, in 1994, I said to the gay community, ‘I do not favor same sex marriage,’” Romney said. “I oppose same sex marriage. But if people are looking for someone who will discriminate against gays or will in any way try and suggest that people that have different sexual orientations don’t have full rights in this country, they won’t find that in me.

Hiller shot back with “When’s the last time that you stood up and spoke out for increasing gay rights?” which let Romney land a big applause line with “Right now”—and that’s when our heads exploded. Because you don’t say that!! When a candidate tells you he will not discriminate against gays but that he can’t support gay marriage, you don’t pitch him a meatball right down Broadway for him to just park into the upper deck, you say: “So then you would support civil unions, yes?”

Because as Ari Melber reminds us today, these are bad people. And they simply do not deserve applause lines on gay rights.

Anyway, one note of schadenfreude today: Pat Buchanan probably just lost his job at MSNBC after network executives didn’t find themselves feeling so good about a few overtly racist passages in his latest book. Which is funny! Because they must’ve never read Death of the West before his job interview.

And lastly, we’d like to congratulate Jesus Christ this morning for a big victory last night at Mile High Stadium. Devoted disciple Tim Tebow—famous for chapter-and-versing “John 3:16″ on his black eyepaint—led the Denver Broncos to an overtime victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers in which Tebow—and we kid you not—threw for 316 yards at—and again, we kid you not—an average of 31.6 yards per reception. Symbolism enough to make a believer out of any of us.


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  1. freakishlywrong

    "Stretch" needs to lose MTP. I was appalled at that "bring the pain" shit. Those of us out here in real America have been living the pain for years. Fuck you, Gregory.

    1. Not_So_Much

      He sucks donkey. What an insult to Big Timmah's memory that this poofy, empty suit is in that chair.

      1. PsycWench

        We all love the Colonel down south. But there comes a time when he has completed his mission and should move on.

    1. Negropolis

      Besides the story of Daniel, this is the only other time Christians have beat lions.

      The Lions are a perfect reminder that you can't have only a great quaterback and a great receiver and think you have a Superbowl-ready team.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Oh please, Christians? The only reason why the team is called the Saints is because "Free-Wheeling, Bead-Tossing, Booze-Swilling Titty Fondlers" wouldn't be readable on their jerseys.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        The Lions beat Tebow down, though. The Lions are a lot like the Colts both pre and post their one Super Bowl win – strong up the middle on the D but terrible in coverage and without a consistent running game in crunch time. If Best can avoid concussions next year (unlikely) the latter problem might be resolved, but the secondary needs help.

  2. freakishlywrong

    And the media all gushing about fucking Tim Tebow. Let's for a moment switch that up and have the player be a Muslim, citing the Koran and dropping to his knees to praise Allah after every play. Just imagine the cacophony from the "media" then.

    1. weejee

      Well devote Muslims like the Vikings Husain Abdullah are ♪ running on empty ♪ during Ramadan. That must be a thrill during two-a-days. It just seems they choose not to want to wear their religion like some circus prop like over-sized shoes or a squirting flower.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Actual ballers respect Abdullah and his brother for that, especially since neither is such an established star that they can phone in the pre-season (see Favre, Brett). Unlike Timmy, they actually risked their jobs for their faith.

        But the average fan has no clue, nor do they care that Bob Tebow is the worst kind of evangelical asshole (bringing "Christianity" to Catholics in the Phillipines, for ex).

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      A co-worker was defending Tebow's wearing of his religion on his sleeve, and she put up the strawman that we'd all "be real polite and deferential if he were a Muslim and was praising Allah for his wins." I asked her how she would feel if that actually happened. Or if the player came out and said he was a Satan worshipper, and thanked Beelzebub at the press conference afterward (I'm looking at you, Tom Brady).
      Also, yo Roethlisberger, Easter Island called, they want their head back.

      Go Pats!

      1. SorosBot

        I've heard quite a few wingnuts make the "what if he where a Muslim?" comment to complaints about obnoxious displays of Christianity, and my answer is always, "The media and the American people would crucify him, duh"; but they always insist everyone would be extra-nice to the Muslim, the exact opposite of the truth.

        1. Negropolis

          It's sad that they have convinced themselves that political correctness actually doesn't really work in keeping racists at bay.

          Trust us; if Tim Tebow was a Muslim, they'd boo his ass every time he simply walked into a stadium, let alone displaying his religion.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Wasn't some member of, I think it was ironically the Denver Nuggets, given a bunch of shit as a muslim because he wouldn't put his hand over his heart during the national anthem or something? It was a while back…

  3. VaWyo

    Why isn't anyone asking Santorum about his wife's abortion? His womb obsession is very Duggar-esque.

    Please, please, please would the next moderator ask about it? The wombs of America would be grateful.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      Mrs Santorum's maybe-abortion is a private family matter VaWyo, everyone else's womb however, is cannon fodder for SlickRick's campaign.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    If Tim Tebow were a real Christian, he would have spent those three hours yesterday praying for that rapey Ben Rothlisberger to mend his ways instead of trying to beat him in a game of football.

    1. Negropolis

      If he were a Real Christian – you know, a good fundamentalist – he'd have not even played on Sunday, the heathen.

      1. Biff

        Didn't that cause difficulties with Steve Young, descendant of good ol' Brigham Young, when he QB'd for the 'Niners?

  5. weejee

    Devoted disciple Tim Tebow—

    But, but the Steelers's QB and sexual thug Ben Dover Roethlisberger is an Evilgenital too. Did Jeebus have to take sides?

    1. chicken_thief

      Troy Polamalu is also a devout Christian and was shown in prayer several times on the teevees during the game.

      Why does Jeebus hate Hawaiians?

  6. Baconzgood

    "And lastly, we’d like to congratulate Jesus Christ this morning for a big victory last night at Mile High Stadium. Devoted disciple Tim Tebow—famous for chapter-and-versing “John 3:16″ on his black eyepaint—led the Denver Broncos to an overtime victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers in which Tebow—and we kid you not—threw for 316 yards at—and again, we kid you not—an average of 31.6 yards per reception. Symbolism enough to make a believer out of any of us."

    NOT COOL MATT. NOT COOL! Do I come to your house and slap your sister? NOPE!

          1. SorosBot

            Well in the fundie world raping women doesn't have to be forgiven, because it's always the woman's fault; she must have been asking for it.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Holy shit…I thought this was a joke…316 yards/average 31.6? Great…no the godbotherers will be even more insufferable. Either god really digs idiots, or he gets a big kick out of fucking with the rest of us.

    2. sunmusing bacon. Timmy may just be the answer to our prayers for us long suffering Johnny Elbow fans. It doesn't matter if he takes a knee for doG or Allah, as long as he continues to make the tv commentaters' heads explode. watching their heads explode is as much fun as watching Timmy throw a winning td pass.

          1. sunmusing

            We Bronco's fans aren't holding out much hope for a win against the Pats. I won't pray for a win, God just might think I'm Rick Perry and send a lightning bolt down here and start a good size fire.

          2. SorosBot

            Like this weekend's game against the rapist, this is a tough call; here it's the obnoxious Teabow versus the most obnoxious team in all of football (and second most obnoxious team in all of sports, after the Red Sox); can we just pray for a meteor to crash into the stadium?

          3. Baconzgood

            I hate to say it but the pats are going to pick apart Denver. Then they will play the hated Ravins and "Stabby" Ray Lewis.

          4. BerkeleyBear

            I thought it was Ray "See No Evil" Lewis – by most accounts, his buddies were more doing the stabby, stabby – and getting away with it even after he ratted on them.

    3. MosesInvests

      Tebow's a really talented QB, no question, but perhaps as a good Xtian he should be reading Matthew 6:5.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    With Jebus so busy making his football picks (LSU? Maybe, big guy?), it's a wonder the whole planet hasn't just gone straight into the shitter.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Mike Shanahan (sure, it only happened once the slow white Bronco got a fast black sidekick with a cool nickname, but still . . . )

  8. Negropolis

    David the Gregory seems to have caught the Very Serious Person Disease you get when you get promoted to primetime in the MSM.

    BTW, Jesus may have a helluva stiff arm, but he's no Megatron.

    1. neiltheblaze

      I think David Gregory had the syndrome as a congenital defect and didn't so much come down with it.

  9. BlueMonkeh

    It will be a happy day when Christians actually start following the teachings of Jesus Christ.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Ain't gonna happen because if they did they'd all become libruls and progressives and their heads would explode.

      So, maybe it could happen?

    2. HateMachine

      Pretty sure Jeebus had some lines in there about not flouting your faith in public. Think there's any chance Tebow will write THAT verse in his eye paint?

      1. chicken_thief

        But those direct quotes of Nordic Jesus aren't nearly as important as the obscure references in the OT railing against jacking off and geyh sexy stuff.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    But Mitt Romney knows the terror of worrying about getting a pink slip.

    He's just like us, albeit with a somewhat larger savings account and a golden parachute.

    1. SorosBot

      He's unemployed, so he knows our pain! Just ignore those three hundred million or so of assets the rich ass has got.

    2. freddymcmurray

      and three houses. magic underwear. and only rich people get to heaven, er, i mean get to run a campaign,

    3. chicken_thief

      And he has that great hair, too. Also. And the ability to sleep at night knowing he personally created over 100k jerbs. Unlike that soshulis occupying the WH now who continues to just ruin Amerikuh every day.

  11. Negropolis

    I can't wait until they all get down to South Carolina, so we can all begin betting on who will be the first candidate to propose the reintroduction of chattel slavery. They get to let their freak flags fly full mast down in ole South Crackalacka.

    1. Terry

      The South Carolina GOP will also, of course, have some kind of major freakazoid sex scandal again as soon as attention is on them.

    2. PsycWench

      Freak flag = Confederate flag. So the freak flag is flying on T-shirts everywhere in SC. The GOP is just putting those T-shirts on display.

  12. Arken

    "Symbolism enough to make a believer out of any of us."

    Except those of us who understand basic probability.

  13. SorosBot

    Sadly, David Gregory's attitude is shared by most of our media overlords; that the government should punish the poor and middle class to make sure that the creditor's don't suffer. Hell, the Eurozone is currently punishing it's poorest countries to protect German bankers.

    1. Negropolis

      You know who else punished poor nations in Europe to prop up the German economy?

      Lo siento mucho; I simply couldn't help myself.

    2. slowhansolo

      This "down economy" has become the general purpose excuse, even on the local level, for all things evil. Five years from now, the bigots at Salvation Army are gonna still be bleating about the amazing generosity of their donors "despite the down economy."

    1. chicken_thief

      Does Mittens "support" anything?! I mean, other than his support for everything. Until he tweaks his position or alters it 180 degrees.

  14. Goonemeritus

    I can’t believe Wonkette continues to hold such a big grudge against our last successful Republican President that it wouldn’t give him a shout out on his birthday. Well I’m not a go along to get along guy so Happy Birthday President Nixon.

      1. Goonemeritus

        He didn’t explicitly target the middle class for destruction. Admittedly a high bar to judge Republicans.

    1. Pres.Libunatic

      Nixon couldn't get past the primaries today, what with the EPA and the Clean Water Act and all that. The baggers would be screaming for his head while damning him as a soshalist.

  15. neiltheblaze

    These debates have demonstrated that the Republican field are a pack of pig ignorant, pandering goofballs (we didn't know!), and that the American MSM – especially the DC Bubble Contingent – is about as useless as fins on a giraffe.

  16. slithytoves

    And lastly, we’d like to congratulate Jesus Christ this morning for a big victory last night at Mile High Stadium.

    The real miracle is that the Giants found a running game.

  17. freddymcmurray

    "Symbolism enough to make a believer out of any of us."

    Those that believe in numerology can be led to believe practically anything.

    I'm curious: can you join the mile high club in the mile high city by doing the nasty on the ground?

  18. Maman

    It was very disappointing that someone upped Newt's meds preventing him from frothing at the mouth. I was looking forward to it.

  19. Nopantsmcgee

    If Tebow can't have the common decency to pray in public shirtless and in his underwear, then he's no Christian, sez I.

    1. mrblifil

      It is curious that he remains unmarried and childless. Presumably he's very into celibacy and purity, and wants to bring lotsa babies into the world. So he's obviously not having any procreative sex these days, which seems sad. Leads one to wonder how he blows off steam when the stress of self-abnegation becomes too much for him…

      1. nonbeliever7

        He's been hanging around clergy and coaches for most of his life. He probably gets all he needs.

  20. Negropolis

    Maybe I'm a fool, but I'm still hoping Operation Chaos gets pulled off in New Hampshire, and Paul gets a surprise victory or close second place. Damnit, I want to see Romney sweat, if he's physically capable of doing so!

    1. ThundercatHo

      It'll be a white, milky substance if he does. I was so looking forward to him shoving a rolled up magazine down Michele Bachmann's throat.

  21. PsycWench

    Can someone explain why, according to pundits, by not losing that badly Rick Santorum has somehow actually won? I come in second or third or fourth routinely and I don't feel all victorious about it.

    1. Pres.Libunatic

      The media wants, no NEEDS, a Comeback Kid narrative, even if the Kid is eventually going to get his balls stomped off.

      Or at least they need a Kid That Scares The Establishment Candidate, like Reagan vs. Ford in the 1976 GOP primary.

  22. Steverino247

    The purpose of the debates is to get as many Republicans as possible to stand around bashing the President who pretty much has to just stand there and take it since he's not a part of the debate. The Republicans want to give him the most shit they can and least amount of time to overcome it possible. His campaign also has to waste a lot of time going over all these stupid quotes just in case one of the underdogs actually beats Romney for the nomination so they can cue up insane bullshit like "re-invade Iraq" for their campaign ads.

  23. mrblifil

    Ben Roethlisberger should have known better than to point heavenward with the "all glory to YOU, God!" gesture when Steelers tied the game. He's just not that into you anymore Ben.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes, Ben; Jeebus has found himself a younger squeeze. Ben should have got the hint when Jeebus kept sending his calls to voicemail, but no, like a stalker with a bone(r), he kept on after Jeebus.

  24. jakegittes

    Here's another fun Jeezus fact: The receiver that caught the winning touchdown pass was born on December 25. [Cue eerie organ music.]

    1. chicken_thief


      1. MosesInvests

        Hmm-Last Supper was a Passover Seder, where each participant gets 4 glasses of wine. 4×13 (J. + 12 Apostles)=52. Who's jersey # was 52?

  25. jakegittes

    Between the end of regulation and overtime in the Steelers/Broncos game, I reached down and picked up a Dorito with the image of Jeezus on it. I then dipped it into the salsa and ate it. And it was good.

  26. FlipOffResearch

    Why yes, I'm still bitter about being called an America hater for being against the Iraq war.

    "Well if you love the terrists so much, why don't you just move to Iraq?"

    "Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11!"

    "I don't know why you hate Murka so much."

    I read somewhere that 80% of our population thought that Sadam was involved with 9-11. I'd like to know how that many people got so misinformed. And I still want to see the American war criminals rot in prison.

    Thankfully I moved away from that seething cauldron of teabaggers where I once lived.

    1. SorosBot

      I don't see how anyone gets away with claiming the media is liberal after the run-up to the Iraq war. The entire mainstream media joined in cheerleading to invade Iraq, and demonizing anyone who dared criticize Bush or the plan invade another country for no reason.

    2. PsycWench

      Half of the population has an IQ below 100. That explains a lot of stuff, like why people on Medicare might be philosophically opposed to government control of health care.

    3. cheetojeebus

      I think a major portion of 'merkans see the Iraq war as a spin off of 'Survivor' With the same sort of schadenfreude and barely veiled sadism. Not un-akin to the WWF. The shock and awe was more for the benefit of us than as any sort of military strategy. Made it look like Bush was 'doing' something about 911.

  27. SudsMcKenzie

    I saw the face of Tim Tebow in my pancake this morning, and I poured my syrup in a spiral, just so he could see what one looked like.

  28. mavenmaven

    Gods intervening in football, the most homoerotic game on the planet, the same gods calling to His Chosen Politicians to prevent people from having rights because of sexual choice but allowing them to lie about it before an election in a socially liberal state, and then gods calling for out and out hate speech (and clearly not understanding the concept of "selling things in stores") by none other than the parent of gay-friendly singer Katy Perry

    1. Pres.Libunatic

      “You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey,” Keith Hudson, 63, said during a recent sermon at the Church on the Rise in Westlake.

      “You go to L.A. and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of L.A. where we live and it is so rich it smells,” he said. “You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah. Amen."

      Why didn't he just hand out copies of Henry Ford's "The International Jew" while he was at it?

  29. elviouslyqueer

    when David Gregory asked candidate after candidate how they would Bring The Pain on the American people. Which was really weird? He kept saying it over and over again—”pain”—and kept coming back to that word in such a bizarrely fetishistic way

    Hmmm. I'm no Sigmund Freud, but it sounds to me as if David Gregory is begging his boyfriend for a protracted session at the Catherine Wheel.

  30. Slim_Pickins

    Exactly why is the GOP holding a primary in a state that wants to return to the British Empire where rights are a gift from the sovereign?

  31. slowhansolo

    The terrible thing about parrots is that they make a lot of horrible noise and emit a noxious cloud of feathers and shit and they have really long lifespans, and all that time you're just terribly conflicted, because you know the righteous solution would be to cut off its fucking head and nail its corpse upside down to your garage door, but somehow your basic humanity interferes because you know it's just being true to its nature, and plus you spent about $2500 to obtain it in first place, and then you realize that since the fucking thing lives for at least 60 years it will probably outlive your own sorry ass, and then you just throw up your hands and settle down in a seething, beleaguered co-existence and until the day you're very glad to die.

    David Gregory, I hope you're listening.

  32. Guppy

    "whether to elect a party that will that will just gut every surviving remnant of the New Deal so it can cut taxes on the wealthy and still not do anything about the debt"

    or to vote Republican.

  33. Guppy

    And are you sure that it's the Gospel of John that's being referenced here by divine Providence? Might 3:16 of the Apocalypse of John be more relevant to our ordeal of the Republican primary?

    "So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth"

  34. not that Dewey

    From the fuckin liberal NYT article:

    It was just six months ago that I wrote an article for The New York Times Magazine about the well-traveled anchor’s bold new partnership with Current TV, the low-rated liberal cable channel co-founded by former Vice President Al Gore

    Is this David Carr character angling to moderate the next Republican debate?

  35. El Pinche Boracho

    Are we going to endure 200 more GOP "debates?" Can't they just contain it in the show "Big Shrimpin" ?? HENGH?

  36. natoslug

    A god that is more focused on football than on the world at large seems like a pretty small-minded and crappy god to me. Maybe it's time he stepped down and spent more time with his family, let someone a little less lazy and useless take a turn at the whole god thing for a while.

  37. ttommyunger

    Jeez, what a toxic mix: Romney, Tebow, Gregory, Buchanan. Now I'm depressed; fuck you very much, Wonkette.

  38. iburl

    Thank you for this:
    "He kept saying it over and over again—”pain”—and kept coming back to that word in such a bizarrely fetishistic way as if to suggest that the financial wellbeing of the American people were some kind of monster truck rally and all he hoped to see was a big smash-up."

    This is the typical attitude of the elite. The only way to fix the financial problems is to hurt the poor. Not imprison criminals, not punish the people who created the crisis, not enforce existing laws that would possible prevent the mega-ripoffs. Punish the poor hard enough and they will be unable to even afford shoes in which to run from your billy-clubs and tear-gas.

  39. C_R_Eature

    Hey Republicans:

    Well, I thought about it and I'm ready to sign the fucking papers now.
    If you stop these debates.

    What do you want me to be guilty of? I don't care, at this point.

  40. DemmeFatale

    Between the Jesus-freak and the rapist, it was not a happy choice.

    BTW: did you know that "Tebowing" is popular with some of the kids? They drop to their knees, prop one up, bow their heads, and touch their foreheads. I think they raise the other hand upward to the sky. This is done at beer-fueled parties (of course), and other places. The latest photo I saw was on a busy street in Mexico. I guess it's funniest when it seems the most random.

  41. BerkeleyBear

    If you strike him down, he just keeps coming back stronger. Just ask the Lions – they tore that Christian's ass up, but next thing you know he wins the next 3 games.

    (Yeah, I know its Obi Wan's line, but I'm tired of the Jesus Christ Superstar references).

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