Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be the nominee, despite nobody liking him at all,” has a chance to … oh who knows. Maybe a circuit will blow! Rick Santorum might finally “come out,” if you know what we mean!
9 PM — “EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT,” claims the ABC intro. Uhh ….
9:03 PM — 200K new jobs, Mittens! Are you an optimist about this? Mitt: “Yes! People, I like those. But Obama made this … worse. It is Obama. The fault is … the president. The rooster, the sunrise. The rooster, the sunrise.”
9:03 PM — Oh Rick Perry is still running.
9:04 PM — Santorum! What will he do? He could act as if he is a leader! He knows the most pressing issue, it’s Iran! THERE IS NOBODY WITH MORE EXPERIENCE IN IRAN THAN RICK SANTORUM. He is, in fact, Iranian. He is actually speaking in Farsi.
9:05 PM — Haha, Rick Santorum is anti-business. He is against having a CEO, or a manager, or any kind of executive leader.
9:06 PM — Gingrich has been running a tough ad that is from the New York Times about how Romney destroys American jobs, kills American wealth and sells off everything to China and the Martians, on Mars.
9:07 PM — Gingrich thinks television political ads are “a film.” He is so much about the Future!
9:08 PM — Romney woodenly repeats his line about the NYT attacking “free enterprise,” so he is “very proud” and now he is talking about the Olympics again. The Olympics!
9:09 PM — George Stephanouphapolous (sp?) is now basically quoting this Wonkette post about Romney counting 100K jobs created after he finally quit ruining the companies he ruined.
9:12 PM — Ron Paul, will you actually call Santorum corrupt to his weird face? Then Ron Paul shuffles and chuckles and GOD MAKES HIS MIC SQUEAK, and then Santorum says “God is punishing you for telling a lie about me.” The crowd laughs. LOL.
9:17 PM — Nearly twenty minutes in, and somebody finally notices Rick Perry is still hanging around. Now he is speaking, and it’s actually worse than Rick Santorum and Ron Paul squabbling … apparently Ron Paul is now an “insider.”
9:21 PM — Diane Sawyer is so bored/doped that she can’t even say “Iranian” now … it came out something like “O-wabrian.”
9:21 PM — Romney is baffled every time anyone asks him a question.
9:23 PM — But at least he supports #OWS. No, wait, he supports whatever someone told him to say about Iranian protests last year.
9:24 PM — “I will endorse our nominee.” — Mitt Romney, January 7, 2012. This man is a revolutionary.
9:25 PM — We have to relocate our Night Bureau very quickly; please do speak amongst yourselves until we’re functional again.
9:40 PM — Hooray, we’re finally talking about condoms and lady pills!
9:42 PM — Ron Paul is, again, the strange old “sane person.” And after ranting about this alleged Right To Privacy, Santorum is given a chance to respond, and he stands there idiotically and says, “What’s the question?”
9:43 PM — Time for questions, from Yahoo! About gay marriage!
9:44 PM — Newt Gingrich, the historian, notes that marriage has been between “man and woman for 3,000 years.” Before that, obviously, marriage was between a giraffe, a log and a rain cloud.
9:46 PM — Immediately before discussing “a level of dignity,” Mitt Romney boasts that he has fucked his wife for 15 minutes per pregnancy.
9:49 PM — Mitt Romney is a LIBERAL, he thinks gay couples can love each other and “raise children well.” Go back to Massachusetts, Romenycare McLeftist!
9:49 PM — Newt Gingrich is going to stand up for, uh, the Catholic Church. Hahahaha.
9:50 PM — HUGE APPLAUSE FINALLY, and why? Because three-wife adulterer and “Catholic convert” Newt Gingrich said the REAL problem in America is “anti Catholic bigotry.”
9:52 PM — Ron Paul is going to bitch slap the next clown who interrupts him.
9:53 PM — But now, somehow, Ron Paul is getting the big laughs by saying, “I’m catching up to Mitt, every day.”
9:53 PM — Perry is going to go right back to Gay Marriage. Does this guy have a complex or what?
9:57 PM — Whoa, Huntsman is being all “sane” and “Ron Paul-y” now by saying Afghanistan is in/near Civil War, and he won’t send another American there, or (more importantly, for the GOP!) another penny.
9:57 PM — But Newt, the video game historian, knows that everything is really such a more complicated deal, and it has to be a Cold War, against Arabs/Muslims. Because all Arabs/Muslims over two-thirds of the planet are EXACTLY THE SAME, and all unified in some invisible war against America. God, you’re an idiot, Newt.
9:59 PM — Santorum is going to be in Afghanistan until “the security of our country is secured.” But, uh, Afghanistan isn’t “our country.” Our country is this one, the fucked up disaster about to break into ACTUAL civil war. (We hope.)
10 PM — Haha, idiot Perry, he’s going to start the war in Iraq again. Total silence in the room.
10:02 PM — Romney says “exceptional force” the way some car dealer would say “exceptional quality.”
10:04 PM — Nothing makes Ron Paul squeakier than talking about American’s idiotic imperial policies.
10:05 PM — Santorum has a great comeback for Ron Paul … something about an Iranian fisherman?
10:07 PM — And Santorum is still very upset about the mullahs in Iran. And yet, Santorum and the mullahs talk about the exact same things all the time, with the only difference being that the mullahs say “Jews” when Santorum says “liberals.” Otherwise, all a bunch of closet cases.
10:13 PM — Our coverage must tragically come to an end now. You can finish watching it here. Let’s just hope for Rick Perry’s new war on Iraq!