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Worse than season eighty-six of The Bachelorette.

Here’s a bit of hilarious congressional procedural warfare we will type about to avoid posting whatever additional lunatic opinions Rick Santorum has expressed in the course of the day: House minority squad captain Nancy Pelosi led a small army of six kamikaze Democratic representatives in a storming of the chamber floor to stage some kind of performance piece perhaps titled “Yells With a Dash of Screaming” as presiding GOP officer Rep. Jeff Denham madly thumped his gavel and declared the lot of them out of order for trying to get a word in about the payroll tax cut during today’s fake House session being held only for the purpose of allowing Republicans to sob about Barack Obama’s recess appointments. Denham immediately ended the session and the Republican leadership ordered the C-SPAN cameras to cut out and the House microphones to fall silent as the Democrats continued hollering in vain. Why is everyone so annoyed with Congress again?

OH RIGHT, because they are children. This entire exercise was completed so that each side could whine about how freaking immature the other is with net result “nothing.”

From The Hill:

Afterwards, Denham defended his move, characterizing the Democrats’ “theatrics” as “comical.”

“We all have a duty to be back in our districts to work on behalf of the people and be representative,” he said. “We’ve already spent way too much time in D.C. in December. We should have been able to pass the [payroll] tax cut for a full year earlier. So now that we have a district work period, that’s what we should be doing.”

Moments later, Pelosi rejected that argument outright.

“They’ll telling us they were here late in December, so they can’t be here in January?” Pelosi said at a press briefing in the Capitol. “What is this, one month on, one month off?”

The Republican members of the payroll tax conference panel held a conference call Friday morning.

The Republicans’ procedural move also lent Democrats ammunition to hammer GOP leaders who’ve argued that President Obama’s recess appointments this week were illegal because Congress is technically in session. How, the Democrats asked, can Congress be in session but no activity allowed on the floor?

“You can’t have it both ways,” Pelosi said. “You can’t say we’re in session but you can’t speak in the House chamber.”

Worst reality show ever. [The Hill]

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  • bumfug

    Why can't our congress be like the Koreans and just start beating the shit out of each other instead of playing these silly games?

    • Tundra Grifter

      The Taiwan Parliment, also.

    • memzilla

      Excellent idea: "Ultimate Congress!"

      • tessiee

        I think they already have "bumfights".

    • Callyson

      I wish Princess Nancy would hurl a stiletto in Boneheader's direction, pronto…

    • a_pink_poodle

      CSPAN would be my new default TV channel

    • C_R_Eature

      Congressional Fight Club. I'll bet Nancy would kick all of their asses.

      • Loaded_Pants

        First rule of the Congressional Fight Club is that you never talk about the Congressional Fight Club.

        • HistoriCat

          That's OK – with the cameras and mics turned off, no one hears you talk about Congressional Fight Club.

          • OneDollarJuana

            In Congressional space, no one hears you scream.

    • SorosBot

      Well it has happened in the past. Sadly that was slave-owners beating an abolitionist to near-death.

      • emmelemm

        Gutta percha canes for everyone!

      • Loaded_Pants

        You abolitionists will not let that go, will ya? Sheesh.

        • TheSheriffsNear

          And I would dig up Senator Preston Brooks' remains to shit in his skull if I could. Exhibit A for why the South and South Carolina deserved the retribution it brought down on itself.

          (This from a 6th gen Mississippian raised in California)

          • Biff

            Jesus, Sheriff, where you been lately?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I'm glad to see someone bring this up, since I only mentioned it, like, yesterday, and didn't want to have to re-post.

        • Chichikovovich

          I cleared out all my grandad's old LPs from the 50s and 60s last week, found Bill Dana's old "My Name… Jose Jimenez" album. Great racist stuff!!

    • WootInTarnation

      There's a simple remedy for all this horseplay.

      When Stepan Radic was assassinated in the Yugoslavian parliament and all kinds of drama and fisticuffs were in the works, the King simply stepped in, abolished the Constitution (like, duh) and proclaimed a dictatorship.

      Jeez, it's child's play. It's not as if there's no historical precedent of parliaments dissolving into gold-tipped perche-gutta cane beatings, duels, shootings and brawls. It usually signals a civil war or world war in the next 5-10 years, but maybe we can just do the cage-brawl thing instead.

      I know he's a governor now, but I vote Chris Christie v. Pelosi for the inaugural bout. Enraged bull elephant fu-style v. Bald Eagle Claw tai chi.

      • SorosBot

        Well the series of civil wars that ended the Roman Republic ended with one of the liberals, Julius Caesar, winning, followed by his two heirs, Octavian and Antony, fighting for personal control though they basically agreed ideologically because they each wanted to be the one in charge. By that point democracy had become a complete sham. That's something I kind of hope doesn't happen here.

        • Veritas78

          No, Jeb kindly let Dubya go first, because their dad told them to play nice. No comparison at all.

      • tessiee

        "I vote Chris Christie v. Pelosi for the inaugural bout. Enraged bull elephant fu-style v. Bald Eagle Claw tai chi."

        This made me picture both of them wearing black martial arts ghi [sp?], circling each other cautiously and going "AWWWWW", a la cheesy kung fu movies, and that made me smile.

    • user-of-owls

      Are we forming up for teams? Cuz I wanna pick Gavrilo Princip for my side.

      • HistoriCat

        Really? Because I want someone who doesn't need to 4 or 5 attempts to get the job done.

        • Negropolis

          History burn! lol

        • Chichikovovich

          Quite true. Someone who, to succeed, doesn't need the intended victim to get lost and drive right by the café where the hopeful assassin has retreated to mope about the failure of his plan.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I'm hesitant to bring this up, Chichi, because the last several letters of your board name indicate a possible connection to that part of the world, but a close examination of that particular corner of the globe kinda leads one to conclude that the Slavs could fuck up a steel ball with a rubber hammer.

          • Negropolis

            It's like the South of Europe.

          • Chichikovovich

            That's putting it mildly. Yugoslavia means "Southern Slavs" and the parallel doesn't end there. The Serbians are still pissed off at "The Turks" – (a term which in practice seems to mean any Muslims at all, but in particular gets applied to the Muslims closest at hand, their neighbors the Bosnian Muslims) over the battle of Kosovo, at which so many soldiers from both sides died that there are stories about the ravens blanketing the field of battle for weeks afterwards.

            OK, look. There were lots of terrible things that happened during WW II, when the Catholic Croats and (to a much lesser extent) Bosnian Muslims allied with the Nazis against the Orthodox Serbians (and of course the Jewish communities as well. Some, like the Jewish community in Sarajevo, were enormous, and decimated by the war's end) The actions on the Serbian side ("Chetniks" – though that more strictly refers to Royalist Serb fighters and not, say, Communist Partisans, Croats and Bosnian Muslims tend to use the expression as a slur to refer to Serbians generally.) And some people have living memories of that time. So you can understand how there would be bitter enmities over what had happened there.

            But the Battle of Kosovo happened 600 years ago! A couple of hundred years before Columbus and Jacques Cartier even set foot on North American soil. And the Serbs still talk about it as if it happened last year. Movies about it. Songs about it. The main masterpiece of Serbian literature is a long, evocative epic poem that goes on and on and on about it. (The poem suggests that the Serbs only lost because of double dealing and treachery.)

            So, yeah, the South of Europe indeed. These guys make Southerners who are still fighting the Civil War look like amateurs.

          • SorosBot

            I would have thought better of the people who've given us the instantly-legendary most depraved, disgusting and unwatchable film ever made – giving us such phrases as "newborn! porn!" – and tried to pass it off as art and an allegory for the country's history.

          • Chichikovovich

            No real connection. Some distant ancestors on one parent's side from those parts, but nothing that has an emotional connection.

            I just like their Russian literature and history. And coming from way up north, I have a weakness for the gloomy, cranky cultures shaped by long, bitterly cold winters and interminable nights.

            I knew a lot of people from (what was then) Yugoslavia when I lived in Toronto. It was easier at the time for the southern Slavs to emigrate to Canada than the US, and so a lot of them ended up in Toronto, looking to work hard for a decade or so, save up a sum of money that would buy a nice luxury car in Canada, but was enough to buy a big house and support a comfortable retirement too when exchanged for dinars on the black market. I also had a lot of friends from military cadets that went career in the Canadian army, and so did peacekeeping (so-called) stints in Bosnia. and the Medak pocket in Croatia.

            Drawing on all those sources of information, plus what you can pick up from books, I would say that, yes, that is a region full of people who could not only fuck up a steel ball with a rubber hammer, but would then spend years fixing the steel ball just for the glorious experience of fucking it up again.

          • paris biltong

            I remember attending a conference on self-management in Belgrade in 1970 – it was considered a model for "industrial democracy" at the time. The local officials would extol the fair aspect of their system of governance and we would sometimes ask them why they still allowed only one political party (Tito's). The best answer I ever got went as follows: "If there was another party, it would be the opposition, right? And everybody of course would join the opposition, so there would still only be one party." Makes marginal sense.

        • user-of-owls

          Succeeding after 4 or 5 attempts would be a significant move forward for Congress, no?

          But mainly I want the guy cuz of the righteous name and the comic little round ball with a fuse sticking out bomb. Because, really, there's nothing cooler than that on earth except a fez. And maybe a pince nez.

          Fez/Pince Nez 2012 v. Pez/Perce Nez 2012!

          • Chichikovovich

            I think the two proposed VP candidates are the same person. Pince Nez changed her name to Perce when she married some guy, also named Nez. (Nosey family).

            That's why you sometimes see her referred to as Perce née Pince Nez née Nez.

            hahahaha!! Get it? née Nez?
            ..
            ..
            ..
            Cause, like, née and Nez are pronounced, um…
            ..
            ..
            ..
            (tap, tap) Is this thing on?

          • not that Dewey

            Waiter, there's a Nose in my Bagel.

          • user-of-owls

            But Monsieur ordered Le Nez Avec un Trou de Pain Juif, did he not?

    • Negropolis

      Also, the Ukrainians and Romanians and Thais and…damn, shit seems to get real everyhwere but here.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Vladimir Zhirinovsky is a champion parliamentary pugilist, in Russia, also.

    • Terry

      If Congress does start physically fighting, I'm glad Barbara Mikulski is one of my Senators. She's short and older, but that's one tough woman. Barb probably still has a switchblade from her days on the Baltimore school board.

    • Walkinwiddaking

      Pelosi and Bachman clawing at one another, mmm…catfight, catfight.

  • memzilla

    “We all have a duty to be back in our districts…" said Rep. Jeff Denham (R-For Sale or Rent).

    I guess the Koch payoff munniez do leave less of a footprint if you grab them the old-fashioned way, in person, in the parking garage.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Poli Sci 101

    Pro forma session.

    That's latin for Shut the Fuck Up!

  • deelzebub

    Yep. This is why I voted. To watch elected representatives have a debate with the salient points being "Uhn-uh", "Did so", "He did it to me first", and "I know you are but what am I?"

    • Fare la Volpe

      MOOOOOOM, Billy said "butt"!!

    • emmelemm

      Quit hitting yourself!

      • SorosBot

        I'm rubber and you're glue, and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

    • I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you.I'm not touching you.

      • Biff

        STOP NOT TOUCHING ME!!11!

    • Loaded_Pants

      So which House Republican picks their nose & eats their boogers? Also, which one eats their crayons?

      • emmelemm

        Don't make me say it…

        ALL OF 'EM, KATIE.

        • RavenRant

          Had to be done. You took one for the team.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Sarah, who has the whole 48 count box stuffed into her maw, approves this answer.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Can't they at least work it up to the "Triple-dog dare ya!" level of collegiality.

    • Loaded_Pants

      He who accuses, blew the fuses.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Takes one to know one!

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        The blamer's the flamer.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        The accuser's the abuser.

    • RavenRant

      This thread is compelling evidence that your siblings/schoolmates were as obnoxious as mine, but I know in my heart that can't be true.

      Does that make me anti-science?

      • deelzebub

        Did you ever have to sit in the middle seat (the one without the retractable crash belt, but the old school one)? My sisters love to play a game they called "Look out; there's a wreck!" which was just them yelling that then yanking my belt's adjustment strap as hard as they could, thus squeezing the hell out of my internal organs. They also loved to scratch my legs during short season, so that I arrived at any and every destination covered in half inch wide welts.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          The older I get, the more grateful I am for my only-childhood.

      • RavenRant

        That's a new one on me. But they did hold me down and then hold food over me so that our very fat, sharp toenailed beagle would jump up and down on me.

        And that was one of the milder forms of torture. Thank God they hadn't heard of waterboarding. They absolutely would have given it a shot.

    • tessiee

      "MAKE me!"

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        "I don't make trash. I take it out."

    • tessiee

      OK, you guys, this is somewhat OT, but a true story:
      So I'm at the beach, and there's a mother with two small children next to us. I have a towel over my face, so I can hear them but can't see them, and the kids trying to have an argument, but they're so little they don't know any curse words or terms of insult, so this is what I hear:
      1st kid: You're a piggy.
      2nd kid: You're a rear-end.
      Silence…
      silence…
      silence…
      Mother [exasperated]: All right! You sit over THERE, and YOU sit over THERE, and if ANYBODY throws sand at ANYBODY again, we're going straight home!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Why don't you try to find that woman and get her to run for queen, speaker of the house, or at least sergeant-at-arms. Sounds much more adult than the inmates in the white, domed asylum in DC.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Steny is a nut
      He has a rubber butt
      Every time he sits down
      He goes
      putt
      putt.

  • Not_So_Much

    Eat a bag of dicks — the whole fucking bunch of ya.

    Jeebus h. tap-dancing kreesto, our congress is starting to make the 3rd-world shoe-throwers look refined.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I can't believe we pay them for this.

    • Radiotherapy

      Yeah, but the 1% pays them too, and they are quite happy the results. Shit like this pushes any rational discussion of getting rid of the Bush/Obama tax cuts further and further away.

  • finallyhappy

    Jeff Denham – yeah, he is the guy with the puppets,right?

    • memzilla

      Close — he's one of the Rethuglicans who has a Koch Bruddahs' hand up his ass.

    • Loaded_Pants

      More likely Denham is a puppet with someone's hand up his ass.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I HATE that guy!

  • Loaded_Pants

    "You poopyhead!" "Mommm!" "Daadd!"
    President Obama: "I'll turn this Congress around if you two don't stop it right now!"

    • Drive the motherfucker off a cliff.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Toonces, is that you? If Victoria Jackson's in the car, then please do so.

    • When my daughter was (much) younger, I'd tell her the stories of "The Little Girl Who Whined Too Much" on car trips. The story always ended with the little girl, strapped in her car-seat, being left on the side of the freeway or tossed in the nearest lake. And the story always needed to be told at least 50 times per trip. I'd happily be paid to live out this story using members of congress in the starring role.

      • valgal2342

        My parents would load the 5 of us kids in a station wagon and drive to Florida. My dad must have had a retractible arm as there was no "stop that or we're going home" it was SMACK. Ah, the 60's.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Hey, why can't we just tie Congress to the top of the station wagon?

    • tessiee

      "If I hear one more peep out of ANYBODY, we're going straight home, and NOBODY is getting ANY ice cream!!"
      .
      .
      To be done properly, this needs to be followed by about 15 seconds of stunned silence, and then somebody, in a very small voice, saying,
      "peep".

      • OneDollarJuana

        My dad finally made good on his word and we DID go back. That shut us up.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Dont' make me take this belt off!"

      • flamingpdog

        If Boehner's in the House, there have already been a few belts taken.

      • nedbeaumontjr

        Don't make me say again "don't make me say this again."

        • tessiee

          Sign on bus: "Driver only speaks three words"
          Lisa Simpson: Does this bus go to…?
          Bus Driver [interrupting]: Read the sign!

      • Biff

        I had to take my own belt off. Once thus used, I'd take a razor to said belt, and soon ran around beltless, thereby starting the style known as "sagging", 30 years too soon.

  • Rotundo_

    But they were in violation of double top secret republican house rule #1438182 subsection A42 in which it says "We do whatever we want just so long as it keeps the black guy in the whitehouse from accomplishing any fucking thing." It's all in there, you just have to be in the republican caucus to consult the book…

  • Dr Ozark Hellbender

    How dare they try to interrupt our theatrics with their theatrics!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Pelosi's such a drama queen.

      • not that Dewey

        I thought she was supposed to be a princess.

        • flamingpdog

          Everybody knows she's a thespian.

          • OneDollarJuana

            And a masticator.

          • not that Dewey

            And her epidermis is showing.

          • bagofmice

            Now that's just downright wrinkly.

    • user-of-owls

      An eye for an eye, a monkeywrench for a monkeywrench. It is written.

    • tessiee

      *sobbing loudly, with back of wrist pressed to forehead*
      Why, I've never SEEN such theatrics!
      *collapses onto fainting couch, dabbing tears with lavender-scented hanky*

      • Wait, I thought Aunt Lindsey was in the Senate.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I pointed out on Ken's blog from a few days ago that according to our Constitution, a majority of Senators must be present to conduct business. That's the quorum – 51.

    They certainly don't have that, so the pro forma session is simply a shadow play to keep from actually doing anything worthwhile.

    Now the Democrats want the House, which is also supposed to be in session, to actually conduct business?

    Congress has a – what? – 5% approval rating. Five idiots out of every 100 people think this is getting things done? I don't think you could get 5 out of every 100 mothers of senators and representatives to agree with that.

  • Callyson

    "We should have been able to pass the [payroll] tax cut for a full year earlier. So now that we have a district work period, that’s what we should be doing.”
    Yes, so pass the damn thing already! Go home *after* you have done at least the bare minimum of work, like your constituents have to do!
    Jerk.

  • Wasn't this the same way John Bolton was appointed?

    • RavenRant

      And 170 other W appointees.

    • Except Blahrack did it even one better, by timing it so that the appointee gets to serve through this session of Congress AND the next. Because he's a slick afro-muslin dude without a soul, that's why.

      • RavenRant

        Clever, these Kenyans.

        'Blahrack' should get you multi-upfists.

        • Loaded_Pants

          "multi-upfists"? Really? Both my arms are getting tired.

          • Radiotherapy

            And John Botton is still licking the Cheney Santorum off his upper labial hair. Sorry about the imagery, but that guy epitomizes the Neocons. Know it all, dangerous, short sighted, mean spirited and ugly.

          • Worst. Mustache. Ever. Also too.

          • tessiee

            Zombie Salvador Dali approves this comment.

  • nounverb911

    Are they still paying Ron Paul to be a congresscritter?

    • deelzebub

      Yes, but he demands to only be paid in money backed by the gold standard, so he is paid biweekly in whatever prior to 1933 U.S. currency the lady at the office that makes Congressional paychecks can find at local pawn shops, coin collectors, and on ebay. It's a pittance, really.

      • But he'd happily accept Nazi gold, I'm sure.

        • OneDollarJuana

          You mean, like Prescott Bush?

    • Negropolis

      I don't know; are they still paying ole crazy eyes, too?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yes. In bumblebees.

      • Negropolis

        How many bumblebees for an onion belt?

        • DahBoner

          I heard Gold Man Sacks sells Credit Default Swaps on bumblebees….

  • SorosBot

    Wait, Jeff Dunham is a Republican Congressman? I guess it makes sense; his unfunny racist puppet act should go over well with the conservative base.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I recall reading an article, around the time that Dunham's show was debuting on Comedy Central, in which he was quoted as saying the only group of people he wouldn't make fun of was Christians. As soon as he said it, he seemed to realize it was a mistake.
      No wonder his show massively failed. He's still a hit in church basements, though.

      • Alcoholics Anonymous is also a hit in church basements. Just sayin'.

        • Loaded_Pants

          And funnier, too.

  • Is it okay to send flaming bags of poo through the mail to Speaker Boner?

    • RavenRant

      Probably not. But you could send some him ManTan™ and a bottle of Visine for those crying eyes.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Boner, upon discovering the flaming bags of poo: "Dinner's here!"

      • tessiee

        "And it's Godfather's Pizza!"

    • tessiee

      Certainly not! Some poor bastard who works for the PO might burn his hands.
      Just put the bag of dogshit on Boner's porch, and *then* light it on fire.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Don't use the USPS for this, instead use UPS or Fedex or DHL. Let the free market handle it.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Sorry, but I blame the Republitards for this mess. If I were Nancy Pelosi, I sure as hell would storm the chamber and yell at that "clean" (the Jehovah's Witnesses use that term to describe lame family entertainment) puppet ersatz comedian. I might even be tempted to throw shit at him. By shit, I mean stuff. I'm all done in and my mood dictates I use "shit."

  • Typically by this point the thumb-slapping porn bass track slips in.

    • emmelemm

      I read that as "brass tack" and thought, Porn + brass tacks? Sounds… pokey.

      • In Porn they're always getting down to bass tracks, I mean brass tacks, I mean…

        • tessiee

          You mean brass balls.

      • flamingpdog

        And hokey, too, also.

        So, porn is what it's all about?

        • LesBontemps

          Have you met the Internet?

        • Biff

          According to Rule 34, yes.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    We all have a duty to be back in our districts to work on behalf of the people and be representative,” he said. “We’ve already spent way too much time in D.C. in December.

    So, Congress is not in recess, but they all have a duty not to be there, and they can't perform any business.

    You got to love Republican thinking.

    • SorosBot

      Recess! Yay! Time to run around outside the Capital and not have to sit in the boring old committee rooms and listen to the Chairperson! Let's go play Collect the Corporate PAC Money!

      • Loaded_Pants

        Hopefully the Corporate PAC Money is under the Merry-Go-Round & they try to grab while it's still spinning.

    • flamingpdog

      Wait a minute here. "Republican" and "thinking" in the same sentence? I can't even picture those two things in the same universe.

    • DahBoner

      “We’ve already spent way too much time in D.C. in December 2011."

      Fixed,,,

  • JackObin

    Bring back George the Third, and that nice Kate girl.

    • DahBoner

      Kiss me Kate?

  • owhatever

    More cow bell!

  • Arken

    “We all have a duty to be back in our districts to work on behalf of the people and be representative,” he said.

    But really, why start now?

  • C_R_Eature

    What I thought of when I saw this: Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!

    I love this sort of thing. If Congress is going to go and do Fuck-All, it might as well be entertaining.

    • Radiotherapy

      Throw in the lobbyists and they are all basically butt fucking each other anyway.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Worst Congressional-based porn ever.

        • flamingpdog

          "Deep Bloat".

          • Geminisunmars

            Das Butt

  • BarackMyWorld

    You think this is bad…imagine if the House of Representatives had filibusters.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I'm not used to so many posts in one day. I'm running out of snark…oh, and drinking now. But huzzah, Kirsten, for working late on a Friday night!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Take up Pot. You can keep the buzz much more even throughout the day. Just make sure you have lots of snacks.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        You made me snort beer through my nose.

      • SorosBot

        But where can we get some?

        No, seriously, where can I get some? Do you know anyone in Philly who's selling? Because I've tried, but can't find a source. My friends are all too grown up these days.

        • Move here to Humboldt and get a 215 card. I'm considering getting one for treatment for my allergies to pot smoke.

        • flamingpdog

          My oldest son says he can probably get me some if I really want it, but I think he's just looking for an excuse to get me thrown into indefinite detention so he can take over my burrow system.

        • ThundercatHo

          Have some remodeling done and make friends with the workers.

        • Geminisunmars

          Hang out at a truck stop and chat up the drivers. No wait — that's for uppers.

  • RavenRant

    I think it is a worthwhile exercise to demonstrate what frauds these Republicans are, and to point out the cheap trickery and mindless obstructionism of these pro forma sessions.

    Mission Accomplished. The Dems should do something every single pro forma session to get it on the news.

    • Mojopo

      That's a good idea. I don't care what they do – Nancy can dump vinegar and baking soda in her mouth and spin in circles. Whatever it takes.

      • RavenRant

        I might try that the next time I'm feeling ignored.

  • StarsUponThars

    I imagine it went something like this:

    Reverend Johnson: "Order! Order! God-dammit, I said order!"
    Howard Johnson: "Y'know, Nietzsche says 'Out of chaos comes order'."
    Olson Johnson: "Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard."

    • C_R_Eature

      Today, We Are All in a Mel Brooks movie.

      • HarryButtle

        Today, and every day for the past 3 years…ever since that NEAR sheriff rode into town.

    • SorosBot

      Nietzsche was wrong, though; according to the second law of thermodynamics, it only goes from order to chaos, never the other way around; the only way to get order out of chaos is to use enough energy to create local order so that the total entropy, or chaos, of the universe increases. This is how we know the universe will end in heat death, as a cold and empty place.

      This is your comforting thought of the day.

      • flamingpdog

        Speaking of Nietzsche, this might best describe a Wonketeer.

        • paris biltong

          Another quote from the nihilist master that may be useful to remember these days is "Great indebtedness does not make men grateful, but vengeful."

    • Barrelhse

      Robert Johnson: "You can squeeze my lemon, baby, til the juice runs down my leg."

      • tessiee

        Won't you come on in my kitchen, cause it's going to be rainin' soon.

        • I got stones in my passway and my road seems dark at night
          I have pains in my heart
          they have taken my appetite
          I hate Republicans

          • tessiee

            Hard times is here
            Everywhere you go;
            Times is harder than they ever been before.
            People are driftin from door to door,
            Can't find no heaven, I don't care where they go.

            As awesome as I think this song is, I find it difficult to listen to nowadays, because it's so on-point it's depressing. [btw, if you don't know it, the song is "Hard Time Killing Floor" by Skip James, and if you like the old-timey blues, you should check it out; it'll freeze your blood]

        • DahBoner

          I woke up this morning

          Then I made myself a nice breakfast

          • tessiee

            Da DAH da domp!

            If anybody here saw the movie "The Long Kiss Goodnight", there was a segment where Samuel L. Jackson's character narrated some of the mundane events of his day interspersed with the blues riff from "Mannish Boy":
            "I can't find my keys… Da DAH da domp… Can't find my keys… Da DAH da domp… I found my keys… Da DAH da domp… Puttin' my keys in my pocket… Da DAH da domp…"
            etc.
            Since it was Samuel L. Jackson, it was way funnier and cooler than I can do it.

  • DustBowlBlues

    What a fucking night. The OK News Report features an interview with Spooky Doktor Tom, warning about how the CPA is DANGEROUS because it has unlimited money and power. DANGEROUS. (He said it twice). And how our law-breaking POTUS is going to the big house for this shit. (That last was not a direct quote, but was close).

    • emmelemm

      I don't even know what the CPA is… THAT'S how dangerous it is!!

      • RavenRant

        I think he's referring to the Consumer Protection Agency. But when you say it like that, it doesn't sound very scary at all, does it?

        • flamingpdog

          My CPA lives in Vegas now, and he's big, but not scary at all.

    • Bluestatelibel

      I thought you had a typo in there and meant CIA, in which case Spooky Doktor would have been correct … but the Consumer Protection Agency …. yeah, that sounds really scary badass, 'bama's going to definitely do some time for that.

      • If they haven't put the BCS bowl committee executives in jail yet, ain't nobody going to jail for financial improprieties ever again.

        • SudsMcKenzie

          I'm all for this just to hear Keith Jackson's testimony. "On that bright day in September I told them to put the wife and kids inside, grab a shotgun, and head out on the front porch, …. also your BCS has one too many "C"'s"

    • Beowoof

      Really and Herr Doktor is the one who should be in the big house, as John Ensign's cellmate.

    • Certified Public Accountants haven't been very dangerous since Arthur Anderson got broken up after they signed off Enron's books.

    • Negropolis

      Well, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is a CPA with unlimited wealth, and he's as dangerous as fuck, so Doktor Tom may be right.

      • tessiee

        That's not because he's a CPA, it's because he's named Rick. Guys named Rick are the *real* danger.

        • Biff

          Ricks, Walkers and Scotts are the worst names evar for republicans this time around, I wonder why…

          • tessiee

            *sings*
            Never gonna give you up…

          • Biff

            Jesus, I've never been rick-rolled by a woman before…

          • Negropolis

            There's a first time for everything.

    • C_R_Eature

      That's it. We have to go and find the Rift to the Alternate Backwards Universe that's letting these people in and find some way to close it.

      Seriously. I've been listening to speeches and debates from this current crop of Republican candidates and literally everything they think is horrible, Evil and destroying our country are things that I think are pillars of civilized society.

      I mean, I'm not a bad person – aside from being very drunk and all, now – but I really feel that Government has a role in evening the playing field between the powerful & the powerless, adequate health care is a universal right, decisions affecting society should be made according to evidence rather than superstition and access to publicly funded education is the central tenet that binds together and uplifts our whole society.

      Oh, and that's the Short List.

      I grew up "holding these truths to be self-evident" I thought all other Americans did too. How did it come to pass that a significant fraction of American society and the leaders of the main opposition party believe the exact opposite? Hengh?

      I'm probably going to be sorry I posted this, when I sober up. Ah, what the hell…

      • ThundercatHo

        I think this was a very nice post and you shouldn't be sorry at all. It's not like you tweeted pics of your naughty bits or made public your email and SSN.

        • C_R_Eature

          Thank you. Good thing I usually forget how to turn the camera on & pass out before the Naughty Bits pics and BTW my SSN is… *THUMP*

  • not that Dewey

    I went to a juvenile shouting match and a pro-forma congressional session broke out.

  • mavenmaven

    “You can’t have it both ways,” Pelosi said.
    Many of the Republicans enjoy having it both ways, if you know what I mean.

    • RavenRant

      Well, they only enjoy it one way. The other is a duty to God and closet maintenance.

      • Negropolis

        LOL! @ "closet maintenance"

        • RavenRant

          Thank you. I'm here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

          • Negropolis

            Don't worry about it; I gave you my p and it looks like others have as well.

    • Harry_Ballsonya

      Lindsey Graham might have something to say about that comment.

      As many of us know he's always been 100% pure bottom.

    • Beowoof

      Gave me a vision of finger cuffs, wink, wink nudge nudge. With Tom Coburn sandwiched between Larry Craig and Ted Haggard.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Worst closet-case porn ever.

        • flamingpdog

          "Behind the Green Closet Door".

      • RavenRant

        Don't leave out Miss Lindsay Graham!

    • Bisexuality libel!

    • bagofmice

      These are the kind of "San Francisco values" that they talk about.

  • Members' yearly salary: $174,000. That is all, carry on…

    • RavenRant

      Not to mention the bennies and pension.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Or the pennies and Benson–he's the young intern…

    • Beowoof

      You know if that amount were the budget for the whole 435 house members and the 100 from the senate, it would still be a huge rip-off.

    • tessiee

      Shoot, I'd show up to work when I felt like it and throw tantrums for *half* that salary!

    • Aw, that's nothin'. Paul Hoolahan, executive director of the Sugar Bowl was paid $593,718 last year. Now I ask you, who gave us more entertainment in 2011, Hoolahan or Rep. Joe Walsh, the child support bum?

  • Mojopo

    Just ordered more gin to get me through to November.

    • user-of-owls

      I had no idea they sold gin by the tanker truck.

    • Barrelhse

      May I recommend the Green Dragon ?http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Dragon_(drink)

      • SorosBot

        You can keep your fancy ales
        You can drink 'em by the flagon
        But the only brew for the brave and true
        Comes from The Green Dragon!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Maybe they can just throw a ball into the gallery, and fight over it for 5 minutes, until someone gets to take it home.

    • Biff

      Give those fuckers a bouncy-house to play in, so nobody gets hurt…

  • Tommmcattt

    We should lock them in a room with some whiskey and some machetes, and see who is still standing in a day or so. You know it would totally be a blood-drenched Pelosi, naked but for a belt of toupees and scalps, wild-eyed and muttering "the horror…".

    • flamingpdog

      Damn, that image actually made me hot. I have to start drinking, that is more than I can handle sober.

      • C_R_Eature

        I'm seriously drunk now and it's still too much to handle. It's Nancy's Mojo, I think.

    • Geminisunmars

      Great image – belt of toupees and scalps.

  • Barrelhse

    I hope you told the fucker that his theatrics were comical.

  • Beowoof

    You know if Boner boys keep shutting off C-Span, I would suggest bringing a camera and recording the festivities for the evening news. It would be an awesome news gathering tool, for showing tools and how they work.

  • Members of the House of Representatives are overpaid $173,995.00 per year.

    • Harry_Ballsonya

      That's too little, Joe Walsh has illegitimate babies to feed!

  • Come here a minute

    It's like "jumbo shrimp". I mean, make up your mind. AMIRIGHT people?

  • OT but I thought the wonkettariat would enjoy this.

    • Bluestatelibel

      The first comment says it all: Bristol didn't ditch hollywood. Hollywood ditched Bristol. No one in that family has a real job. wtf?

      • littlebigdaddy

        C'mon? Dermatologist's assistant? That's the highest any Palin has gotten on her own.

        • tessiee

          I'm sure an adolescence of popping zits has made her eminently qualified for the job.

          • paris biltong

            I was thinking more along the line of VD.

    • C_R_Eature

      "Dermatologist's Assistant"? Good for her. I would have thought "Blow Jobs For Cash behind the Wasilla 7-11" was the next career move. Just shows what Fame can do for you.

    • Who's living in that house in Maricopa, AZ, and what happened to the boyfriend?

    • fuflans

      thank you that was delightful.

    • rocktonsam

      "her mom's tv studio."
      wait , what?

      • Biff

        Yeah, Roger Ailes paid to have it installed. Really getting their money's worth, right?

        • Loaded_Pants

          Paid for Sarah's wigs, too.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Bristol, back in Wasilla, living underneath her moms teevee studio, …. smells like TLC

      Whorage Wars

  • user-of-owls

    the Republican leadership ordered the C-SPAN cameras to cut out and the House microphones to fall silent as the Democrats continued hollering in vain.

    In Congress, no one can hear you scream.

    • not that Dewey

      Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the House Chamber…

      • user-of-owls

        In a land where juvenile antics reign…

        • not that Dewey

          If Nancy Doesn't Wake Up Screaming She Won't Wake Up At All…

    • I think I understand why the Republicans are so interested in putting a kill-switch on the internet.

  • Negropolis

    They can ship the whole, damned House to Afghanistan, for all I care. No one has lost any. Plus, loya jirga sounds hella cool.

    BTW, go, Nancy, go. Sure, you've got your faults, but I'd take Madam Speaker over a leaky boehner any day of the week, let me tell you.

    Tell me that this…

    “They’ll telling us they were here late in December, so they can’t be here in January?” Pelosi said at a press briefing in the Capitol. “What is this, one month on, one month off?”

    The Republican members of the payroll tax conference panel held a conference call Friday morning.

    The Republicans’ procedural move also lent Democrats ammunition to hammer GOP leaders who’ve argued that President Obama’s recess appointments this week were illegal because Congress is technically in session. How, the Democrats asked, can Congress be in session but no activity allowed on the floor?

    “You can’t have it both ways,” Pelosi said. “You can’t say we’re in session but you can’t speak in the House chamber.”

    …doesn't make any sense. Is Pelosi playing politics? Hell yeah. And she happens to be right on the merits of her points.

    Please, let us not fall into "both sides do it" on an example where one side is clearly within the right.

    • not that Dewey

      Please, let us not fall into "both sides do it" on an example where one side is clearly within the right.

      Do yourself a favor and don't watch Morning Joe on Monday…

  • MozakiBlocks

    Don't make Nancy Pelosi take off her earrings.

    • Negropolis

      Nancy's not scured ta' cutta' bitch.

    • She could use one of those necklaces as a nunchuck.

  • tessiee

    "presiding GOP officer Rep. Jeff Denham"

    He needs to go, already, and take those damn puppets with him.

  • ejoycem

    Remember that you let the children into the adult seats in 2010. Vote 2012.

  • NellCote71

    At least she is not considering home schooling . The horror. The horror.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    That ain't a capitol, that's Thunderdome: two parties enter, one party leaves.. Tina Pelosi here to see that all is fair…"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dyin' time is here, cause there sure ain't any legislatin' gettin' done."

  • Guppy

    At least they can all agree when it matters: sending people to Gitmo.

  • “You can’t have it both ways,” Pelosi said. “You can’t say we’re in session but you can’t speak in the House chamber.”

    Sounds like a good point to me.
    ~

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    KBJ: I counted 119 words before the first period in this posting. Don't know what to tell you.

    • flamingpdog

      I always kind of assumed she only had one period a month.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      Go read some Henry James?

  • fuflans

    ha! FUN: reading two days worth of wonkette to the reissue of 'some girls' which mr fuflans gave me for christmas:

    miss you
    when the whip comes down
    imagination
    some girls
    lies
    far away eyes
    respectible
    before they make me run
    beast of burden
    shattered

    [end of disk one]

    • flamingpdog

      miss you: Hermie
      when the whip comes down: Marcus
      imagination: Miche1e
      some girls: Sarah, Bristle, Wallow, and Pooper
      lies: Newt
      far away eyes: Callista
      respectable: Huntsman
      before they make me run: Chris Christie
      beast of burden: also Chris Christie, too
      shattered: the nation if any of these clowns ends up in the White House

  • BarackMyWorld

    Are the Republicans really having a debate on a Sunday morning or am I imagining things?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Yes, they have a double header. Saturday and Sunday. Why do you think Rick got so "joggy" and "shooty".

      Fuck Toad will probably have to have his pants sent out for dry cleaning.

      I cant imagine what else I might design My weekend around.

  • ttommyunger

    I've had some shitty jobs in my time, done some things I'm not proud of; but I take considerable personal pleasure and pride in the fact that I've never been a Member of Congress.

    • x111e7thst

      I'm with you there. Anyone who sinks low enough to think of running for Congress would be well advised do gather up their last remaining shreds of dignity and honor and decide to give $5 blowjobs in an alley instead.

      • ttommyunger

        Or suck Elephant dicks at a dime a herd, which is what Sarah is about to sink to.

        • Radiotherapy

          That "Dirty Jobs" guy ought to do an episode in that circus.

          • ttommyunger

            Prolly too dirty for him.

          • flamingpdog

            Dude, you and I are old enough to remember when mothers actually wanted their children to grow up to be Preznit, or at least a Senaturd.

          • ttommyunger

            I'm even old enough to remember when Federal Employees were respected for having sacrificed monetary reward in order to serve in service to others and Country.

  • All of this just stirs them up and this congress needs to beaten, not stirred.

  • Click here for M.C. Yglesias and $arah animated gifs.

    You won't be sorry!
    ~

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Those should appear on all official US gubment documentsincluding passports, from this time forth and ever forever more.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I guess these memes are officially over if WSJ is using combo manondogfrothymix.

    An Old Loss Dogs Surging Santorum
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204

    • BarackMyWorld

      Boy, the editors sure are on top of things over there.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    A YT version of what fuflans has.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nWAXrmys5M&fe

  • DahBoner

    "How, the Democrats asked, can Congress be in session but no activity allowed on the floor?"

    Pelosi's Pack Makes Poignant Point by Punching Pathetic Pussies with a Peck of Pickled Peppers!

  • BarackMyWorld
    • RavenRant

      That is not hyperbole. WTF!?!

      More evidence for brain parasites infesting our country and making people stupid/crazy.

    • DahBoner

      CLICK HERE TO REVEAL THE WORST IDEA EVER!!!!

      Jeepers creepers, stars and bars, cheese and crackers!

      Asking a fucking idiot who claimed he knew where the WMD's were ("East, west, north and south of Baghdad") is a "Known, known"…

    • neiltheblaze

      Sometimes I wonder if there's something sinister in the water cooler at the Atlantic.

    • Dr Ozark Hellbender

      You cut the budget with the terrible ideas you have, not the terrible ideas a guy at the Atlantic wishes you had.

  • ttommyunger

    http://www.salon.com/2012/01/06/karen_santorum_di… I apologize for being such a bitch, but have you seen the kisser on Mrs. Santorum? She may not have had an abortion, but I could recommend several procedures which would help her and those who have to look at her. A double-bagger, for sure! Ricky, I don't know how you do it….Under protest, I'm guessing.

    • DahBoner

      They were both drunk when they met, on a dark moonless night at a I Like Ike rally.

      It was dark. Very, very dark.

      And very, very drunk…

      • ttommyunger

        That only explains the first ankle-biter.

    • Geminisunmars

      Personally – I think they were made for each other.

      • ttommyunger

        No doubt, but I get an instant soft-on just glimpsing that mug of hers.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      She was a beautiful woman…until she started going out with ol' Frothy Mix. Living with him oozing away just does that to a person.

      • ttommyunger

        Have you seen my picture? And I've never even MET Ricky; that can't be all of it.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The ironic sponsor of that Santorum article? Showtime's new show "House of Lies."

      • ttommyunger

        House of lies, meet face of lines.

    • Loaded_Pants

      He does it with a chaste peck on the cheek, a whispered apology, and then he heads for a confessional.

      • ttommyunger

        I'm figuring through a hole in the sheet; a really small hole and a really big sheet.

  • dahBoner

    yikes

  • El Pinche_v2

    No worries. Remember, we kicked the bums out in 2010 and got new clean and bleached assholes. The teabagger House reps. will save us any day now.

  • Dr Ozark Hellbender

    OT, but so very connected to everything else: This American Life this weekend has an incredible story about the workers who make our electronic crap, including the laptop on which I'm typing this, of course.

    Makes me think of Ursula K. LeGuin's parable, "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.":

    They all know it is there, all the people of Omelas. Some of them have
    come to see it, others are content merely to know it is there. They
    all know that it has to be there. Some of them understand why, and
    some do not, but they all understand that their happiness, the beauty
    of their city, the tenderness of their friendships, the health of
    their children, the wisdom of their scholars, the skill of their
    makers, even the abundance of their harvest and the kindly weathers of
    their skies, depend wholly on this child's abominable misery.

    And what, then, are we to do?

    EDIT: And yes, I did just order a refurbished desktop cheapass computer online, rewarding the Overlords who employ the people who toil in Shenzhen.

    Do I contradict myself? Well then, I contradict myself! Walt Whitman didn't claim to be perfect, either…

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I heard that show today. I was so shocked that the Chinese company put out nets to catch the people that are trying to kill themselves. Who said that big corporations don't care about their employess?

      • not that Dewey

        Who do they think they are? Amazon?

    • Radiotherapy

      ZOMG, Dok, an Ursula K. Leguin reference! Huge swaths of my political landscape were drawn by The Dispossesed. Hard to believe I read that book 30 years ago. Top 10 for me, and that would put it in the 0.1%. When I met Mrs. Radio she was reading it in her Women's Studies class.

    • Radiotherapy

      Show respect for the hardest working man in showbiz. That was a LIVE performance on a show that was typically lip-synched. The subtext here is: Fuck Off Ricky Bubblingbutt.

  • No values candidate former Senator Rick Lubeandfecal shows that he has absolutely no moral foundation when it comes to his over-the-top support of his medical insurance contributors. Check this clip out over at Think Progress where he tells the mother of a 5-year-old cancer survivor that the sick are to blame for preexisting conditions and shouldn't whine about no-coverage or pay right-up-the-ass coverage. Rick's level of moral disconnect knows no limits. What a frickin' all-time douchenozzle.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Good ol' Rick Frothybutt always makes sure that his his Christian values do not get in the way of his wallet and campaign fund raising. He's always looking out for his big donors. The woman's problem is that she didn't give enough to his campaign. She must be a poor mother.

      • Radiotherapy

        Yesterday's WaPo (yeah, I know, I was bored at work) had had an under the fold story about Ricky Fecalgrease's ties to K Street and his millions in cash for quasi-lobbying. This guy is like a cancer patient who gets poisoned by chemotherapy — sick, cachetic and full of crap. By cancer patient I mean christofascist blastocyst psycho and by chemotherapy I mean Washington insider.

  • Biff

    What are the odds of a liveblog of tonight's (and also tomorrow's) debate thingies?

    • Millennial Malaise

      I'm hanging out at http://wonkette.chatango.com/ and while I'm only on my second drink (with family, trying to keep it classy), tomorrow's debate is at 9AM. No, just no.

  • chascates

    Santorum still surging!

    Santorum Accuses Obama Of ‘Elitist Snobbery’ For Wanting Every Child To Go To College: http://thinkprogress.org/education/2012/01/07/399

    Santorum: Unemployment Lower Due to 'Optimism' for Obama Defeat: http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/santoru

    Santorum To Mother Of Cancer Survivor: Sick To Blame For Pre-Existing Conditions, Should Be Charged More: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/01/06/399357

    • BarackMyWorld

      Ranked in order of obviousness of stupidity:

      3. Santorum Accuses Obama Of ‘Elitist Snobbery’ For Wanting Every Child To Go To College.

      2. Sick To Blame For Pre-Existing Conditions, Should Be Charged More.

      1. Unemployment Lower Due to 'Optimism' for Obama Defeat.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Are the Wonkette overlords planning on live blogging the Mittens slugfest tonight?
    Hmmmmmmmm?

  • OT – you can't make this up – this is the bottom banner from "Bing" this morning:

    Popular now:
    -Kelly Clarkson
    ·Joran van der Sloot
    ·Auschwitz
    ·Cotton Bowl

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