Newt “Skywalker” Gingrich has been declared the geekiest candidate of them all in a new six-page “study” conducted by Scientific American. The criteria? Obviously not intelligence, but rather knowing stuff about topics including guns, stars, the Internet and science fiction. SciAm finds that Gingrich vastly outdoes Romney (second place, bafflingly) and Paul (third) in these categories. All three candidates rank high largely because of “ties to Silicon Valley,” e.g. rich people with bold new visions of how to not have to hang out with other humans.
But Gingrich outdoes them all because he was once on the cover of Wired magazine, is into space, and lasers in space, and mirrors in space, though has not quite figured out how to soar off into it yet, and because Bob Walker, former chairman of the formerly named U.S. House Committee on Science, said Newt “would probably be the most knowledgeable president on technology issues ever elected.” Also, SciAm writes:
Calling Gingrich a science-fiction nerd is like saying that vampires have seen a modest resurgence in young adult literature. He has repeatedly expressed that Isaac Asimov’s seminal Foundation trilogy (about “psychohistorians” who use mathematical models to predict the future) made a deep impression on him in his youth.
And there is much more. Having loads of Twitter followers. Penning/ghostpenning alternative histories. And proposing “a private, 3-D Internet metaverse for elected officials to share ideas and best practices.” OK fine, Newt, you really do win. But let’s take a minute to appreciate Michele (sixth place) Bachmann’s impressive ability to actually turn back time on the public’s understanding of the HPV vaccine. [Scientific American]
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In Republican circles, the very belief that space exists (or that there are planets other than Earth) provide serious nerd cred.
By this token, of course, Mormon candidates should be geekiest, since they plan to repopulate new planets after they die.
Or in the case of Mormon Glen Larson's Battlestar Galactica, populated planets hundreds of thousands of years before they populated Earth. Sorry, but Mormons got this shit down cold.
If You Could Hie To Kolob is a real live Mormon hymn about Outer Space and Other Planets and stuff. No magic-underwear teleportation, though.
Sometimes I think I should have become Mormon, simply for the steady supply of nerdy men that would have been available to me. My husband is a geek, no doubt, but he won't sit and watch BSG with me for days on end ala Portlandia.
Well, he was sufficiently tech-savvy to purchase 100,000 or so Twitter followers. Of course this means he was sufficiently assholeish enough to purchase 100,000 or so Twitter followers, but that's not what this post is about.
Friends by the Pound ?
Wait, I thought all Republicans believed in the Ether and Bodily Humors.
Soon Newt will be writing an alternate history where he's a viable candidate for President.
Hitler?
Better him than a real historian.
Gingrinch? Didn't he invent the santorum powered ray gun.
Gingrich likes to write Star Wars fan fiction where the Empire wins out in the end.
Callista gets a big role as Emperor Palpatine.
Darth Gingrich?
DARTH CHENEY LIBEL!!!1!
Newt's brain lies somewhere between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.
Ah ha! So having to sit in the back of AF1 was a feint for getting Newt away from the window seat where he saw gremlins on the wing???
I believe that would be in the rectum of his incontinence.
Thereby making it a pilonidal cyst.
A dimension not of sight, but of mind.
He can use a Remote Control so he wins.
Sure, but can he program a VCR to record a "Matlock" episode?
Geeks don't name Sarah Palin as Energy Secretary, except occasionally as a Halloween prank.
Pyschohistorians huh? That explains pretty much everything about Newt.
He's a science fiction nerd, he thinks he's Captain Kirk and he gets to fuck every new alien who appears.
What planet is Callista from?
The Pasty Gross Milky Way.
Well, it sure ain't the Planet of Women, because I don't think "it" is one.
Is that the one where men who act up are sentenced to death by snoo-snoo?
Speaking of witch, I just learned that overcooked skeletor is only 45 years old. ZOMG, although I never looked at her closely (the revulsion is instantaneous and limbic), I would have lost the bet that she wasn't at least 60 years old.
??? I didn't know that.. Did 'someone' doctor her wikipedia entry? I thought she was in her late fifties/early sixties.. wow.
Yes, she was just a youngun' when Newtie was getting blown in his car during the Clinton dustup. I think part of the problem is that she hasn't seen the light of day since then (cave salamander complexion) and the wrinkles that have occurred have been so thoroughly botoxed into submission that she is pretty much expressionless. Add some sort of eating disorder in the mix (blowing Newt! would make swallowing anything traumatic I would imagine) and she really is looking rough and ghostly these days.
I have a theory that there are just some people who, no matter what work they have done, end up looking older afterwards.
Maybe they just never find decent surgeons?
"that overcooked skeletor is only 45 years old"
You have *got* to be kidding! She really passed up a great career as one of those plasticized cadavers in the science museum.
Callista is from Newtsanus.
Two distant, frozen worlds. Oh, sorry — I thought you said parent.
"What planet is Callista from?"
Planet Stepford.
Now that you mention it, Callista's been looking a little blue lately.
Cuz she's Mistress Smurf and her husband is a Smaggot.
They're both Smother-Smuckers.
Newt would probably be sad that cancer will be cured in Kirk's time. Though, a bite from the Ferengi Blood Flea is known to be quite nasty. Is that enough reason to drop a sickly wife???
I shamefully admit, I still have the hots for the Dancing Green Alien Woman.
Captain Quirk.
And he's welcome to go and fuck a Horta.
The Foundation would obviously have predicted that Newt would never win. So he couldn't have read them that carefully.
Considering that Asimov was a Jewish atheist and far-left anti-war activist and supporter of the civil rights, women's rights and gay rights movements, I doubt Newt really learned too much from him.
Well, he learned the part about promoting a belief in something that doesn't exist in order to get people to follow you. I hold that Newt is an atheist, but a horribly cynical one who is happy to pretend to be religious.
At least he's weirdly consistent — anyone who believes that cutting taxes will increase revenue is certainly just as likely to convert to Catholicism for the pussy.
Herman Cain would have won if he were still in the race because of all of those how to pick up chicks apps he writes.
Mass geek suicides. Like lemmings off cliffs. He is to Asimov as Hyperion to a satyr.
Did somebody say geeks?
Meet the bronies.
~
No, not bronies! Only the existence of furries prevents them from being the weirdest subculture out there.
Newt = Jar Jar Binks
Needs more Jar Jar Bush.
Doc Paul's old, but probably not so old that he didn't have to take physics, chemistry, the calculus and and so on while working his way towards med school. Seems doubtful that any of the others got beyond "science for liberal arts majors" pastiches. You'd think the science-describers at Scientific American would know better.
Seriously, Scientific American…way to give Paultards another reason to bitch about the media ignoring Herr Dokter.
Well, actually, he would have completed his training before DNA was discovered, so probably not a lot of his science would be meaningful. Besides, he's an obstetrician, how much contemporary molecular biology does he actually encounter?
Everyone cancel your subscriptions!
According to paultards Huntsman is clearly the gookiest candidate…
Romney: "Get me a pocket protector, a pair of Clark Kents with adhesive tape repair job, and 18-sided die, STAT!"
+2 Flip Flop Savings Roll!
Can I start task manager and end his process?
If only. If only.
He knows what adultery means.
Which one was declared the nuttiest? (No need to answer)
All of them, Katie.
Eh, Newt apparently gave a speech a while back in which he talked about Brain Science and how Brain Science would be vastly improved by…guess what?…tax cuts. The fact that federal funding supports a great deal of neuroscience research would seem to contradict that, but whatever.
Typical socialist answer. The free market will start doing brain research as soon as the unfair competition of taxpayer-financed fundamental research into how the brain works is removed. Right now they only have empirical analyses of why people buy a bag of Cheetos rather than a head of lettuce.
The free market will produce brain research as soon as there is a shortage of brains. Zombie Reagan's working on that one.
"The free market will produce brain research as soon as there is a shortage of brains."
Like there hasn't been one for at least the last decade?
Rick Santorum thinks if we take away welfare from black people, they will lead the research into how the brain works. Since they won't be trapped on the Democratic Plantation anymore.
Newt! would tell any sucker that tax cuts would cure or enhance anything, hell Republicans have done everything short of claiming they cure cancer and heart disease, and since they seem to be running relatively low on justification these days, they will go there sooner or later.
Makes sense that an Idea Man would be against Brain Science.
Oh, brain science, I thought you said Brian science. I guess my lysdexia has kicked in again, so never mind.
Don't feel bad. The words "Newt" and "Brain Science" in one sentence could have that effect on yandoby.
Is Brian science the study of Brian Cohen?
No. Brian Damage!
Republicans featured on "Scientific American" is like having Democrats featured on "American Rifleman."
You would think Rick Perry's ability to set off those GayDar machines they have at all of the airports now would count for more.
How can Romney not be the geekiest? He is the the embodiment of an Asimovian Robot gone rogue!
Sciam. I used to purchase their once fine magazine wherever I could find it. Then they turned to shit. About the same time as Heavy Metal. Coincidence? I think not.
By Geekiest I think they mean most likely to be still be living in their parents basement.
He probably earned some extra points for looking like he's been eating nothing but Cheetoes and corn syrup for 40 years.
And, really, by any definition of geekdom, shouldn't Santorum come out on top. Hell, without him, the interwebs would just be a series of tubes! With him, they are a well lubed series of tubes!
it was because of Santorum that I learned what a Google Bomb was.
"shouldn't Santorum come out on top"
Wow, the jokes just write themselves, don't they?
When did Rupert Murdoch take over the editorial board at Scientific American?
Psychohistorian? Hardly. Try 'Egohistorian'.
What about "historian who is a psycho"?
Bozohistorian.
Your move, Kucinich.
Ya know, I read the Foundation series and I didn't turn into an asshole. Well, at least not a huge asshole like Newt.
Yet another pleasant memory of my youth is Shat Upon by the Modern Conservatism.
Newt is what stupid people think a geek sounds like.
But Gingrich outdoes them all because he was once on the cover of Wired magazine
I remember the article!
"How To Turn Bullshit Into Energy"
If only America could turn bullshit into energy.
Can I nominate my cat? Because when she walks across my laptop keyboard, she's geekier than all the rest of the GOP candidates combined. Sheeit, Miss Teen North Carolina in a lab coat would be geekier than any of those pseudoscience-embracing religious fanatic quidnuncian climate-change-denying God-made-my-toast-this-morning dumbass motherfuckers.
Mr Fluffy is already polling well ahead of Huntsman, just because of your post.
And by the way, has anyone else noticed that Huntsman seems like an arrogant, condescending prick in the few interviews he scores?
Woah, woah, woah. You're saying someone interviewed him?
I swear I saw it. MSM has no problem ignoring Obstetro-Congresscritter Paul, who actually gets votes, but seems fascinated by the Huntsguy.
Miss Teen North Carolina in a lab coat would be geekier than any of those pseudoscience-embracing religious fanatic quidnuncian climate-change-denying God-made-my-toast-this-morning dumbass motherfuckers.
Sir, I am interested in your ideas about geekiness, and would like to know if there is a website, or perhaps a "newsletter" I might subscribe to?
"But let’s take a minute to appreciate Michele (sixth place) Bachmann’s impressive ability to actually turn back time on the public’s understanding of the HPV vaccine"
Because of this statement, I've now got Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time stuck in my head; I hope you're happy, LIz.
Newt's soul is the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.
Current TV?
Hey now. They've got Jennifer Granholm.
BTW, I think Barry in da Houze has them all beat.
He can travel through time!
How about THAT, Mr. Sooper Sekrit SyberCpace?
Welp, there goes the Evangelical vote… they don't like science… fiction or fact.
They're mostly into fantasy but only the kind based on the Bible stuff which was also fantasy.
I just don't think America is ready for a guy that's curious about how things work and stuff.
Ron Paul 20112!!!
Are we sure they didn't mean "gleekiest". Because I definitely get a build up a saliva when I think of Newt.
I knew Newtie had a Star Wars connection when I first saw him and uttered: "That's no moon… that's a giant fat ass!'
But what type of character does Newt lean towards whilst playing World-of Warcraft? Wossname-Cave-Elf dude? Funny cow-looking thingie? Short hairy beardy-guy?
This article cannot truly be called useless and irrelevant without these details. I assume that was the point, right?
Newt's poor old dee-dah rolls over in his grave. "Bloated, peevish and hustling pan-cultural references to suit your self-serving needs is no way to go through life, son."
Geek? No. Asshole? Yes!
Bob Walker, former chairman of the formerly named U.S. House Committee on Science, said Newt “would probably be the most knowledgeable president on technology issues ever elected.”
Wasn't Jimmy Carter once a nuclear engineer? That might beat Newt's being able to click a mouse and quote "The Jetsons".
Is the 'formerly named US House Comm on Science' now named the US House Committee on Pulling Bullshit Presidential History Out Of Our Buttocks?
Yes, but Carter doesn't have the distinction of being named after a subatomic particle, for the irony of it all. That surely beats actually knowing all that sciency stuff.
I suppose in comparison to those who do not believe in evolution and those that think a pair of underwear will save you from the evils of the world, Newt is a geek. It's all perspective really.
Now quit bothering me while I watch Firefly for the 33rd time this month.
Oh please, replying to an e-mail to the correct recipients (no attachments – too confusing) would be far beyond the capabilities of any of them, but whatever.
This sounds like something you would read in a washingtonian version of TigerBeat or some fucking thing. So much for Scientific American; were there articles on how to make your own baking soda and vinegar volcano for the science fair or fun with magnets as well? Damn.
WaPo IS the washington version of Tigerbeat. Except that TigerBeat is more factual.
This would be more believable if 'geek' in this context meant "carnival performer that eats live chickens for money".
As a geek, I am offended by this.
If by "geekiest" you mean "most likely to be shunned by all cliques in high school", you are correct.
He does do a hell of a Jabba the Hutt impression.
Geek in Latin means "he of the six chins and micro phallus".
Only a Newtwit would believe he's a geek, sub-nerd is more like it.
I have to agree. Geek cred is a little more complex than "being aware of technology" and having read some sci-fi paperbacks back in the day.
He's not even a geek-aspirant.
Do they need a fat stupid neighbor on The Big Bang Theory?
He wouldn't make a good "wacky neighbor". Seinfeld had the comic physical agility of Michael Richards. Newt would only be able to set on the couch with the Cheetos bag resting on his stomach while he farts. The introduction of more farting jokes into the series would be the point where the critics would say the show finally jumped the shark.
Yeah, but I'm sure that Newt could shout "nigger!" just as well as Michael Richards.
I hope he was wearing his pocket protector when he was geekifying his uptown girls.
Frig Newton.
Asimov? I figured Ole Newt to be more the L. Ron Hubbard type.
Speaking as an actual geek, I will say that Newt is most definitely not one of us. Yes, he knows lots of things; but a lot of what he "knows" is completely is completely wrong; he's like the Cliff Clavin of politics.
Why, he probably couldn't even tell you how many dimensions of spacetime exist beyond the four we experience according to M-theory.
Eleven, and one half??
No, silly pup. 42 is the correct answer, as it is the correct answer to everything.
Who are "Three People Who Have Never Been In My Kitchen"?
Perhaps by "geekiest" they meant "Paradigm example of the Dunning-Kruger effect."
I read that as the "Diane Kruger effect". lol
Outer space? Sounds like witchcraft. Burn him.
This is an insult to geeks everywhere
Meh, nothing fazes me after learning of W's Babylon 5 fetish.
It's not whether or not they like science fiction, but rather whether they think it's real. Gingrich seems more the type to believe what's written in Aviation Leak than the things written by, say, climatologists and evolutionary biologists.
Geeks are smarter (in my experience) and sexier (in my opinion).
Science just took a self-inflicted hit.
Actually, Newt punched Science, and then asked, "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Mr. Fatale constantly reminds us that he is a geek, but not a nerd.
These distinctions are important here in Silicon Valley.
Newt is neither. No deep expertise to qualify as a geek,
and since he HAS actually kissed a girl, he can't be a nerd.
and now that Michele has dropped out little Ricky is appropriately brining "up the rear".
I'm very sorry, but no less an authority than John Hodgman has recognized that Barack Obama is the Geek President…and possibly the Kwisatz Haderach.
“psychohistorian” ? Half right.
Yeah, Gingrich is such a fan of Science that one of the first things he did to Congress in '95 was to disband the Office of Technology Assessment
From Wikipedia (I,know, I know):
The Office of Technology Assessment (OTA) was an office of the United States Congress from 1972 to 1995. OTA's purpose was to provide Congressional members and committees with objective and authoritative analysis of the complex scientific and technical issues of the late 20th century, i.e. technology assessment. It was a leader in practicing and encouraging delivery of public services in innovative and inexpensive ways, including distribution of government documents through electronic publishing. Its model was widely copied around the world.
Gingrich killed it, along with many other functions of governance that allowed the two parties to work together and actually, you know, govern for strictly ideological and political reasons. The fact that he OTA came up with inconvenient truths figured into the equation also, I am sure.
Now he's in Scientific American. Fuck you, SciAm. Editors. Here's a Pro Tip: just because someone windbags on and on about futurism, drops key words like "metaverse" into the speech and says he liked Asimov as a kid doesn't mean he's smart or informed. Gingrich is a one-trick anger pony grifter who's knowledge is a mile wide and at least several millimeters deep, who knows nothing about absolutely everything and whose name shouldn't be found within 1000 klicks of Dr. Isaac Asimov. In fact, the only thing Gingrich and Asimov have in common is an appreciation of Fine Poontang.
Rant's over now. Thanks.
"Gingrich is such a fan of Science that one of the first things he did to Congress in '95 was to disband the Office of Technology Assessment"
This, in and of itself, automatically and de facto disqualifies the cancer-wife-divorcing serial adulterer from geekdom (geekhood?).
My ex-husband, ex-father-in-law, ex-brother-in-law, most of my ex-boyfriends, and current gentleman friend are all science/math/computer geeks, and therefore, even though I have never so much as heard of the Office of Technology Assessment until two seconds ago, I can safely assume that it was populated entirely by geeks in lab coats arguing about science stuff, and supporting their arguments by writing stuff on whiteboards.
No geek worthy of the name would disband such a place. In fact, they would do everything in their power to make sure that it never got disbanded by anyone, and then they would stay there all the time and never go home.
Yes. this is why I seethe in fury whenever I hear Gingrich spouting off about Science. It's not enough that he's a dilettante who fancies himself clever, he's personally responsible for crippling our societies' ability to plan our future and respond to the many crises we face today. It's also likely his actions enabled or exacerbated several of those crises (Global Warming, I'm lookin' at you).
The disbanding of the OTA needs to be pulled up out of the Memory Hole & stuffed in Gingriches' face, or up his ass, frequently. Until he goes away.
Nice Geek Army you've got there, BTW!
"Nice Geek Army you've got there, BTW!"
Well, the ex-husband is somebody else's problem now, thank FSM, but I *will* cherish my memories of the three of them sitting around the kitchen table arguing about geeky stuff:
XF-i-L: It's the coefficient of Q! [scribbles furiously on notepad]
XB-i-L: Fraid not, Man! [scribbles furiously on notepad]
Oh, I've been there. Good times
Where is Santorum? Any man with a collection of sweater-vests and mom-and-dad jeans that large should place first or second.
In other news, 5 foot 1 inch tall person judged to be tallest midget.
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