PROFILES IN COURAGE  1:45 pm January 5, 2012

Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak

by Liz Colville

it's a beautiful day in la la land

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, (former) Tea Party fave, is trying her best to distract us from the sad and dull obviousness of her 2012 endorsement of Mitt Romney with a new Marie Claire interview just ahead of the release of her book, Can’t Is Not An Option (which really looked like Cain Is Not An Option for a second).

Of course, in order to be accepted into the Marie Claire fray, Haley had to a) claim to only listen to female musicians (along with unchangingly upbeat weather reports and happy perfume, her offices apparently “pump in” the tunes of Lauryn Hill, Stevie Nicks and Norah Jones, presumably ruining their songs for everyone within earshot), and b) tell a bunch of stories about men treating her like a dictation-taking plaything doll-slave. Men being men (hope there aren’t any men reading this! let me get you some coffee!) there are a lo-ot.

But the funny thing is that some of things that men have said to her in her ascent to youngest governor and only one of six woman governors sound like things that Romney will say to her when, in the alternate universe in which Romney becomes president, he names Haley Secretary of the Secretarial Pool.

When Haley declared that she was running for state senate, she recounts, a man told her, “We think you’re a nice young lady. And if you get out of this race, we’ll make sure you get a good appointment.” THEN SHE WON, BOOYAH. When asked what her next move is (Marie Claire actually isn’t giving her any say in the matter — PRESIDENT, it cries), Haley defers to God, naturally.

I’ve never been one to think far into the future. If you don’t plan, God has surprises that are much more fun for you.

Bachmann could certainly speak to that. [Marie Claire]

 
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{ 97 comments }

nounverb911 January 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

At the very least Haley should show some embarrassment for her alma mater's performance last night in the Orange Bowl.

(I'm certainly embarrassed by my alma mater's performance last night in the Orange Bowl).

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's a shame that you are a Clemson alum, because I understand it's hard to take pleasure in anything about a game like that. Because there was one truly classic moment: I was sort of half-watching the game out of the corner of my eye while waiting at the soccer facility for my son's practice to end. And as a neutral observer, I must say that the play where there was an enormous pileup of Clemson and WVU players on the goal line, and you expect the whistle any second, and suddenly a WVU defender starts flying like a bat out of hell toward the Clemson end zone, with everyone else looking at each other, going "wha?" was one of the funniest things I've seen in years.

DerrickWildcat January 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I thought Marie Claire made Pot Pies and Salisbury steak?

Baconzgood January 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

No Marie Claire discovered x-rays.

Fukui_SanYesOta January 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

LET THEM EAT YELLOWCAKE!

DerrickWildcat January 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

You may be right. All I know for sure is that she makes the best Pot Pies because when you get them out of the box they mostly aren't all fucked up with the crust all broke up around the edges. Oh, and there is crust at the bottom too. Don't get the Best Value kind. They are always all fucked up when you get them out of the box and they don't even have crust at the bottom. They are terrible.

EatsBabyDingos January 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I would also recommend against the Marie's Pol Pot Pies-they are all bones and gristle.

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

It was Marie Curry who made the Pot Pies, along with her husband Pierre. Great vindaloo too.

hollywooddood January 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

And then she said, "let them eat cake."

mavenmaven January 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

In her mind: Romney/Haley 2012!
In his mind: If she did that blogger, will she do me?

nounverb911 January 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Have they translated her birth certificate from it's original Hindi yet?

CapeClod January 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

She's a Sikh so her birth certificate must be in Sandskrit or something.

Mahousu January 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

पंजाबी परिवाद

Radiotherapy January 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Liz, I must of missed the part about you being a Marie Claire fan in your posted resume. BOOYAH, indeed.

paris biltong January 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

"Cunt is Not an Option" was the way the editors referred to the book.

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Based on her alleged sex life, I figured the magazine she'd talk to is Huslter.

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Huslter? Is that the porn magazine edited by Adolf Hilter?

ShaveTheWhales January 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Hilter.

Edit: Oh, you did that already.

Mumbletypeg January 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Can’t Is Not An Option (which really looked like Cain Is Not An Option)

Unless she can get her editors at this eleventh hour to change it to "Can't AIN'T An Option" this title's significance will sail over the heads of about three-fourths of her constituents.

Tundra Grifter January 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Has Nikki's popularity in South Carolina climbed north of 30% yet? Apparently she sold out the port of Charleston. Savannah will take business away from it, but Nikki may get a hot shot at the GNoPee convention.

Visions of Duh Gov'Nuh dance in her head.

Funny – her popularity in SC just about matches Mitten's popularity with the entire Republican party.

paris biltong January 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

God has surprises that are more fun? Is she in recovery or something?

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

"God" is her sexytime nikki-name for the Herminator.

Maman January 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I thought that god enjoyed people making plans too… so he could screw with them. She sounds like she wants to ruin god's good time. Spoil sport.

ShaveTheWhales January 6, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Man proposes, God disposes, Nikki just blowses?

CliveWarren January 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I once new this mormon feminist-lady and she told me that her husband's other wives didn't respect her views at all…

elviouslyqueer January 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Shorter Mitt: "Shut up, bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie."

user-of-owls January 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hello! It's a lousy fucking day in goddamned New Hampshire. How may I help you?

paris biltong January 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

By finding justification for Internet neutrality in the Magna Carta. Thanks in advance.

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

But did she describe what cheating on her husband with a pasty pudgy blogger is like?

Barb January 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Nikki and I kissed even harder and heavier than we had before (away from the lights of the Vista, we weren’t worried about people seeing us here), and at one point I slid my hands under her turtleneck and felt her breasts over the black bra she was wearing. [...]

Her lovers can't keep their mouths shut about her not being able to keep her legs closed.

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"If she had as many sticking out of her as she's had stuck into her, she'd look like a porcupine."

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Hey, I'm at work here, it's not time for porn!

And yes, I'd hit that.

Barb January 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

*sigh* you make me sad, Soros. I wouldn't do her with Neilist's dick.

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I have standards; she's one of the few Republican women I find attractive enough.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ on a bicycle, who the fuck issues a press release to drop the news that he felt her boobs, and gives the specifics down to "under the blouse, over the bra?" Thats a junior fucking high school conversation. Past the age of about, oh, 20, its fucking, if you touch, you fuck.

Toomush_Infer January 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

As well they shouldn't – it's probably like that 20's art thing about the guy on the pier screaming…

freakishlywrong January 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Santorum should be passing judgement on this any minute now.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Working himself into a lather as we speak?

edgydrifter January 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

She should try driving the way she "plans" her life–just close her eyes and wait for God to surprise her with something.

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I'm surprised she didn't endorse Santorum – she must use spit or like it rough.

user-of-owls January 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Meh, call me when Basil Marceaux endorses Ron Paul in a Tiger Beat interview.

CliveWarren January 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Basil might be the actual author of the newsletters… Dot com.

GregComlish January 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

What about the part where she cheats on her husband by repeatedly fucking her grandiose, mentally-unstable Republican colleague, only to watch that asshole brag all about it in a failed, vainglorious attempt to torpedo her reelection campaign?

Men are such assholes!

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Well, at least Mitt probably won't grab her head and try to guide it to his crotch, like some other candidate might have done.

mavenmaven January 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Yeah, because he wouldn't want to mess up his hair.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Or have her laugh at his magic underoos.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

And, let's face it, would any of us be surprise if the only thing in Mittens crotch is an adapter to repower his batteries?

meatlofer January 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Is that the Cowardly Lion, between their shoulders?

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

"her offices apparently “pump in” the tunes of Lauryn Hill, Stevie Nicks and Norah Jones,"

What, no kd lang, Indigo Girls, or Girlfriend in a Coma? pft.

DerrickWildcat January 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

She is from India and he is from Mexico. I think it is nice that they can get along.

TheGyrus January 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I’ve never been one to think far into the future.

This is good. Nothing irks me more than a farsighted Chief Executive.

Beowoof January 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

You know I would have thought she would have endorsed Newt. Empowering women to cheat on their spouses, like men do.

Gratuitous World January 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

luckily she read Cosmo's "10 Ways to Please Your Rom-Bot"

user-of-owls January 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Alas, the following article was, "Help! My Guy's Disk is Floppy!"

Callyson January 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

“We think you’re a nice young lady. And if you get out of this race, we’ll make sure you get a good appointment.”
Has anyone tried this line on Rick Perry yet?

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Those South Carolinians are some stubborn sonsabitches. Miss Lindsay forged ahead with his political career despite hearing the same thing.

Baconzgood January 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

"I’ve never been one to think far into the future." Because why should a governor think of viable long term solutions…..Is it just me or is the Tea Party really really fucking crazy?

SayItWithWookies January 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I’ve never been one to think far into the future. If you don’t plan, God has surprises that are much more fun for you.

That disturbance in the force I just felt — it was like twenty million Iraqis wincing.

EatsBabyDingos January 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"I’ve never been one to think far into the future. If you don’t plan, God has surprises that are much more fun for you."

Which is why you must bring your own toilet paper to use Nikki's toilet. And never NEVER shake her hand.

neiltheblaze January 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Why, thanks, Liz! I take my coffee black with a little sugar!

mavenmaven January 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

If she really wanted to prove herself, she'd be pumping in Ani DeFranco.

Fukui_SanYesOta January 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

When Haley declared that she was running for state senate, she recounts, a man told her, “We think you’re a nice young lady. And if you get out of this race, we’ll make sure you get a good appointment.”

Once, when I was attempting to buy a refreshing alcoholic beverage in a public house, a woman told me that I dressed akin to a homeless person.

I shall now use this as an example of how I've been constantly oppressed by women in my rise to, uh, well whatever.

Also: blingee AND alt-text? our cup overfloweth! nice one liz

El Pinche_v2 January 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Sticky Nikki? I smell a blow job .

Antispandex January 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Well, I'm not like the rest. I care about issues! But, um, why do most of the Teapublican women have those crazy eyes, and the rest look like men, or church ladies? Oh, and not the good kind of crazy, where you could probably think they would be good in the sack, just, you know, crazy. These are the questions that 99% of men in America care about. I support the 99%.

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Being a woman who rises to a high position of power within a party that holds as one of its core beliefs that women should be second-class citizens who are basically property of men pretty much requires mental illness.

ShaveTheWhales January 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm

But really first-rate mental illness.

Rosie_Scenario January 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I forget. What does Krishna have to say about planning for the future?

Studebaker Hawk January 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

"Planning for the future makes my Kundalini soft."

SheriffRoscoe January 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Doesn't Governor Nikki have telephone receptionist greetings to micromanage? How does she find the time for all this other extraneous bullshit?

owhatever January 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

The Tea Party of Spartanburg has voted to do something about this outrage. It involves raccoons.

Negropolis January 6, 2012 at 1:40 am

LOL!

Toomush_Infer January 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Photography is so inadequate: I can't tell what Mittens is saying, but I am almost positive that Nikki is demonstrating the right way to give a hand job AND NOT GET ANY ON YOU…

GOPCrusher January 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

From the look on her face, I would of guessed that Mitt had reached up her dress and put one in the pink, two in the stink.

freakishlywrong January 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"Hello? It's a fucked up day in South Carolina!" (Kill me now).

pinkocommi January 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

"I’ve never been one to think far into the future. If you don’t plan, God has surprises that are much more fun for you."

Oh, please…. Faux News commentator, anyone?

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

the release of her book, Can’t Is Not An Option

A lot of people make this mistake. The title is actually "Kant is not an Option". She's a big fan of Jeremy Bentham's moral philosophy, apparently.

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Somehow I doubt many Republicans would be fans of a man who championed both equal rights for women and gay rights in the eighteenth century.

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Well, the Republicans want to send women's rights and gay rights back to the eighteenth century, right?And the Republicans would be put to best use if they were stuffed and locked in a glass case, right?Like I said, Jeremy Bentham.It's just that they read Principles of Morals and Legislation with the same creative eye they use on the Bible. “It is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong” is read to mean “screw the minorities”.And: “The daymaycome when the rest of the animal creation may acquire those rights which never could have been witholden from them but by the hand of tyranny. The French have already discovered that the blackness of the skin is no reason a human being should be abandoned without redress to the caprice of a tormentor.” is read to mean “Repeal the Death Tax and bring Prayer back into Schools!”Also, the Republicans really love the Panopticon.—

Blueb4sunrise January 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Nimrata Nikki Randhawa also advises:

FIND DIVERSE ROLE MODELS.

Mine are my mother, Margaret Thatcher, Hillary Clinton, Martina Navratilova, Gabby Giffords. And Joan Jett.

savethispatient January 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

That can't be right, Margaret Thatcher isn't her mother!

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I see two open lesbians in that count; she might need to revise that list to keep her fellow fundies appeased.

GorzoTheMighty January 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Given her sexual proclivities I would have thought Catherine the Great would have been included.

Negropolis January 6, 2012 at 1:41 am

Lesbians everywhere!

actor212 January 5, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Her hand. It makes a perfect fit around his tallywhacker. A little wide open. Probably needs tweezers.

Not_So_Much January 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Thought the exact same thing, "She's reaching for his magic underoos!!"

actor212 January 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"Curses! Foiled by the fabric codpiece AGAIN! Where's my reporter boy-toy? I've got a backlog and antsy panties…."

Eve8Apples January 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"I’ve never been one to think far into the future. If you don’t plan, God has surprises that are much more fun for you."

Yeah, that's why God put that brain in your skull. God didn't want you to use it for thinking about the future. It's just there to stop the wind from echoing through your head. Goofy bitch.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Haley had to a) claim to only listen to female musicians (along with unchangingly upbeat weather reports and happy perfume, her offices apparently “pump in” the tunes of Lauryn Hill, Stevie Nicks and Norah Jones, presumably ruining their songs for everyone within earshot), and b) tell a bunch of stories about men treating her like a dictation-taking plaything doll-slave.

So, to keep people from remembering how she boned any Conservative who came along, she is now trying to convince everyone she is a closet lesbian?

Kakkeltje January 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"Can’t Is Not An Option"

Isn't that just a longer way of saying: "Can't can't"?

I am feeling confused now. Can "can't" or can't it?

raygotaway January 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I thought Nikki was so corrupt even the republican god
refuses to have lunch with her–let alone give her advice.

arcadesproject January 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm

How long has it been since anyone took dictation?

C_R_Eature January 5, 2012 at 8:27 pm

That's a metaphor.

johnnyzhivago January 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Today's a GREAT DAY in South Carolina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ttommyunger January 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Why can't I look at Nikki without shuddering over the prospect of just what a ginormous bush she must be cultivating on the end of her taint? I'm the only one, right?

BZ1 January 5, 2012 at 8:45 pm

She's get Bachmann eyes! (sung to the tune of Betty Davis Eyes…)

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Curry sammiches?

Barb January 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I forgive ya. I just watched the Huntsman video in the other post and now I see what you mean.

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