grifters in the news

Herman Cain Launches New Personals Site ‘’

The godfather still wants yer love!

Herman Cain has discovered what we will call “Sarah Palin’s theorem,” that just because you are not running for President does not mean you can’t act exactly like you’re running for President, in order to cash in. Herman Cain has a new non-campaign campaign website that is very wonderfully titled, because he still hasn’t managed to wrangle a single human being to his team to act with a surrogate sense of self-awareness. And oh yes, there will be a non-campaign campaign bus tour as well, can you guess the theme?


The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO announced plans to tour the country to raise support for the “9-9-9” plan that was the star of his aborted presidential run, hoping to rally congressional sponsors for his plan to replace the federal Tax Code with a 9 percent corporate tax, 9 percent personal income tax and a 9 percent national sales tax.

The one-time Republican front-runner announced his “Cain’s Solutions Revolution” during a Fox News interview with Sean Hannity on Wednesday night.

“I started a new movement. The biggest comment I got when I ended my candidacy was to keep 9-9-9 alive. That’s what this is about, and I’m going to keep it alive with what I’m calling Cain’s Solutions Revolution,” Cain said.

Ha ha, but REVOLUTION is Ron Paul’s meme! We hope he is looking forward to the thousands of angry Paultard emails.

Anyway, just remember that a fake campaign bus tour was Sarah Palin’s idea first! Which we only mention to point out that this will be her one and only tragically stupid enduring legacy in American politics. [Politico]

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  1. DaRooster

    But we just got the Bachmann Bus off the road… to hell with it… just kill the fucking environment already.

  2. jus_wonderin

    "Herman Cain has a new non-campaign campaign website that is very wonderfully titled, because he still hasn’t managed to wrangle a single human being to his team to act with a surrogate sense of self-awareness."

    Pulling females head to his crotch, is the new self-awareness.

    1. prommie

      Guy is dumber than Rick Perry, for the love of God, I can't see how he could run a pizza shop, let alone a chain.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      It won't be televised, either. Although I will admit I'm not sure that's still true – everything is on tv these days, isn't it?

  3. prommie

    Politics is apparently the new show business. I know, I know, it has always been show business for ugly people, but lately, its just plain show business.

      1. Barb

        "Dog, the Booty Hunter" I'm sure he can find a chesty white woman to play Beth Chapman for him. Beth Chapstick. Ya want the job, don't 'cha?

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Busty white women who want to be on teevee are a dime a dozen. Or in Beth's case, a dollar a ton.

    1. chicken_thief

      Newt is going to partner with the Herminator so the ladies will have the option of shopping at Tiffany's or riding the bus.

  4. Barb

    I'm sure he will just skip Delaware and the other states that have NO sales tax. Why would anyone there want to be taxed? Cain's douchin' revolution!

    1. Barb

      I just went and looked at his site and he asks people of all the states to get involved. For those states that have no sales tax, fuck you Cain.

    2. JustPixelz

      The income tax was enacted in 1910 with seven brackets. In other words, the progressive income tax started at the same time America emerged as a world economic power. Hasn't it proven itself as an element of our success, helping create a middle-class (which fuels demand for consumer goods), helping afford a network of services businesses can build on?

      The Repubicans want to end this winning policy in favor of a flat tax.

      It's worth noting that Texas — their current shining city on a hill — has a progressive income tax and "has enacted two new temporary income tax rates … on the highest-income filers". Socialists. OOPS! reading the wrong web site.

  5. LiveToServeYa

    Wasn't profiting from failure a theme of The Producers? I guess it's springtime for Herman and 9-9-9.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Don't know which is more appropriate:

    "You better free your mind instead"
    "Don't you know that you can count me out?"

    1. Chichikovovich

      Ah, good eye. Lennon-McCartney (well, actually just Lennon, in this case) predicted the Cain Revolution well before the fact. Visionary, he was.

      You say you got a real solution
      Well, you know
      We'd all love to see the plan
      You ask me for a contribution
      Well, you know
      We're doing what we can
      But when you want money
      For people with minds that hate
      All I can tell is brother you have to wait
      Don't you know it's gonna be all right
      All right, all right

      Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah…

      You say you'll change the constitution
      Well, you know
      We all want to change your head
      You tell me it's the institution
      Well, you know
      You better free you mind instead
      But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Cain
      You ain't going to make it with people with half a brain
      Don't you know it's gonna be all right
      All right, all right
      All right, all right, all right
      All right, all right, all right

  7. OkieDokieDog

    There are probably a couple of states that Cain hasn't touched a woman inappropriately, so this bus tour is just a ruse to fondle. And grift.

  8. memzilla

    “I started a new movement [with]"
    "Roger Ailes wouldn't give me a Faux News contract."

  9. Ducksworthy

    Of course the website doubles as a Herman Cain dating site featuring a live web cam of Hermie fondling himself.

  10. edgydrifter

    Who's the black candidate that's a sex machine to all the chicks?


    You're daaaaaaamn wrong.

  11. Goonemeritus

    I think Mr. Cain might be surprised how fleeting his fame is. Fore instance I rarely read my monthly John Anderson news letter anymore.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Women get dozens of matches, all of them looking like Herman Cain, under different names. With a fake mustache. With a full beard and glasses.. Full beard without glasses. Goatee and monocle. An eye patch. Handlebar mustache and sombrero pulled low ("Ernesto Caino, bandito"). Whiteface makeup….

  12. freakishlywrong

    Remember when F.Scott wrote that there "were no second acts in American Lives"? Fuck. If only.

    1. Chichikovovich

      I'm pretty sure that what F.S.F meant was not that people don't have second chances, or appear again after leaving, but rather something in the general ballpark of the suggestion that American lives don't feature the kind of conflict and struggle displaying genuine character development and possible self-discovery that happen in second acts.

      If that's what he meant, I think he had Cain, Palin, Bachmann, Santorum, Mitt, Newt, etc. nailed.

  13. Joshua Norton

    The one-time Republican front-runner

    That's not quite as grand as it sounds. All the lizard-brained dipwads who crashed and burned in Iowa were ALL one-time front runners. Depending on what day it was.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Agreed. It's a bit like saying Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries were on schedule for their 50-year wedding anniversary. For several weeks.

    2. chicken_thief

      How big of a loser does that make TPaw, who never got close to leading any polls? Unlike Perry, of course, who continues to lead many poles.

  14. johnnymeatworth

    This website doesn't say a damn thing about getting my pizza free if I don't have it in 30 minutes.

  15. Maman

    He is better off trying to strike a deal with the Maxis people, then he can have a face picture bus in the version of Sim City. His arrival will be the political equivalent of the disasters that are unleashed on your city.

  16. Fare la Volpe

    I got a hold of Herman's profile:

    Likes: Women, Bitches, Dames, Broads, Skirts, Hoes, Skanks, Sluts, and Girls-Next-Door

    Dislikes: Cameras

    1. Mumbletypeg


      “…'gotcha' questions; she-cats outa the bag; ‘mystic’ pizza; food servers expecting a decent tip/ living wage; backfired tactics and snakebit strategies;
      ..Real-life math. It's real hard, in real life…”

  17. Dudleydidwrong

    The Cain Pizza Bus: delivering pizza, friendly crotch visits, and total batshit insanity to the 50 US states, except for Delaware, New Hampshire, Montana, Alaska, and Oregon which have no sales taxes so that Herman Cain can end their having sales taxes. Wake up, you folks! Herman has a great plan and he's coming to visit you soon.

    Herman, you dumb-dumb, was that bus made in the USA?

  18. prommie

    Intelligence is a curse, I mentioned this the other day, regarding Michele. The stupid seem to be unburdened by self-doubt. They often succeed, too, simply because they are too dumb to know that they shouldn't. While Mr. Smarty Pants Prommie, whenever he has an idea, well, he is so fucking smart, that he can think up a million reasons why it won't work, why its too risky, why it wouldn't be prudent. And why bother, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter anyway because success, possessions, all these things are meaningless ephemera, so why chase after them. Its a fucking curse, I tell ya.

    1. Barb

      I went to bed early last night because I heard about Santorum's idea to allow states to stop people from using birth control. I got a headache that aspirin wouldn't touch. Stupid people annoy me.

      1. JustPixelz

        They howl about "Obamacare", imagining it's a government takeover of medicine, but are blind to their own very real government takeover of lady parts. OK, I'm stating the obvious about the oblivious so I hope you don't think I'm being annoyingly stupid.

    2. FNMA

      It's called the Dunning Kruger effect and it seems to have reached epidemic proportions in certain segments of our population. Someone should have a telethon for it.

  19. CapeClod

    The onboard DVD player will be showing "The Pokeman Movie" 24-7. At least when its not showing rough porn.

  20. actor212

    I can see the late-night infomercial now…

    "Hey LADIES!

    Why don't you drop by CainConnections.comfor some real cheese lovin', hmm? We ahve everything you could want, from true American studs to imported husbands from Uzbekibekibekistanstan. And we deliver it in thirty minutes or less.

    We'll throw in a free grope by the delivery boy!

    That's Just dial 999-…"

  21. SayItWithWookies

    This is like the last time I applied for a job and was turned down before the first interview, and I rented a bus and travelled across the country trying to raise support for the ideas that didn't get me hired. So remember who to thank when you find yourself doing your next job from a hot tub with a bong built into the railing.

  22. JustPixelz

    " The biggest comment I got when I ended my candidacy was to keep 9-9-9 alive."

    The second biggest comment was "I saw how you were looking at that woman in the low-cut dress. Don't even think about it or I'll divorce you faster than Rick Santorum changes sweater vests."

  23. FlownOver

    I want to be there when Cain parks next to the Girls Gone Wild bus and starts a knock-down-drag-out over who gets to shanghai the various impaired cuties.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    Will it have "Godfurther" as the destination?

    But seriously, this is what you get when someone who job it is to approve marketing gimmicks like "Cheesy Cheesy Pepperoni Stix! – 9 for 99 cents for the next 999 hours!" starts dabbling in politics.

  25. MissTaken

    I once took a 12 hour bus ride from Guilin to Guangzhou, China with no toilet and chickens and snakes on the roof. That ride made more sense than this.

  26. DerrickWildcat

    I sure do hope Cain shows up in his Bus where all the candidates are currently campaigning. Like right now in New Hampshire and then South Carolina. That would be oh so much fun.

  27. Antispandex

    Non-campaign bus tours…god, don't you miss those? The news and comments were so much fun back then!

Comments are closed.