GRIFTERS IN THE NEWS  11:16 am January 5, 2012

Herman Cain Launches New Personals Site ‘CainConnections.com’

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The godfather still wants yer love!

Herman Cain has discovered what we will call “Sarah Palin’s theorem,” that just because you are not running for President does not mean you can’t act exactly like you’re running for President, in order to cash in. Herman Cain has a new non-campaign campaign website that is very wonderfully titled CainConnections.com, because he still hasn’t managed to wrangle a single human being to his team to act with a surrogate sense of self-awareness. And oh yes, there will be a non-campaign campaign bus tour as well, can you guess the theme?

From POLITICO:

The former Godfather’s Pizza CEO announced plans to tour the country to raise support for the “9-9-9” plan that was the star of his aborted presidential run, hoping to rally congressional sponsors for his plan to replace the federal Tax Code with a 9 percent corporate tax, 9 percent personal income tax and a 9 percent national sales tax.

The one-time Republican front-runner announced his “Cain’s Solutions Revolution” during a Fox News interview with Sean Hannity on Wednesday night.

“I started a new movement. The biggest comment I got when I ended my candidacy was to keep 9-9-9 alive. That’s what this is about, and I’m going to keep it alive with what I’m calling Cain’s Solutions Revolution,” Cain said.

Ha ha, but REVOLUTION is Ron Paul’s meme! We hope he is looking forward to the thousands of angry Paultard emails.

Anyway, just remember that a fake campaign bus tour was Sarah Palin’s idea first! Which we only mention to point out that this will be her one and only tragically stupid enduring legacy in American politics. [Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 118 comments }

OCcupied_Surf_Serf January 5, 2012 at 11:18 am

New goal: Interview 999 women…

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

You mean push the heads down of 999 women.

DaRooster January 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

But we just got the Bachmann Bus off the road… to hell with it… just kill the fucking environment already.

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:42 am

Herman rented and repainted the Bachmann bus….or had some women do it.

Lascauxcaveman January 5, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Herm the Man knows tha lay-deez dig a man with a big, uh, bus.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2012 at 11:19 am

"Herman Cain has a new non-campaign campaign website that is very wonderfully titled CainConnections.com, because he still hasn’t managed to wrangle a single human being to his team to act with a surrogate sense of self-awareness."

Pulling females head to his crotch, is the new self-awareness.

nounverb911 January 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

So his wife finally kicked him out?

Terry January 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yeah, that bus suddenly came in very handy.

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

The wheels on the bus go round and round, transporting a loser clown.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

Guy is dumber than Rick Perry, for the love of God, I can't see how he could run a pizza shop, let alone a chain.

memzilla January 5, 2012 at 11:37 am

He can call it PreyHound Bus Lines, with a galloping horndog logo.

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

Ridden by a stray-hound.

flamingpdog January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

Driven by a playa-hound.

Lascauxcaveman January 5, 2012 at 12:02 pm

An I-just-roll-that-way hound.

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

Worked for Palin – right?

SorosBot January 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

The magical minstrelsy tour is coming to take you away.

Gratuitous World January 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

The revolution will not be delivered in 30 minutes or less.

Tundra Grifter January 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

GW:

It won't be televised, either. Although I will admit I'm not sure that's still true – everything is on tv these days, isn't it?

Wilcoxyz January 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

I can't wait until he pulls the bus over and pushes Merikuh's head toward his crotch.

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

SUCK IT – 'Merika!

memzilla January 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Cain’s Solutions Revolution" = Cain's Fail Whale.

Also, caingrifter.com is available.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Politics is apparently the new show business. I know, I know, it has always been show business for ugly people, but lately, its just plain show business.

Urban_Achiever January 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

Pitching reality show in 3, 2, 1…….

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Dog, the Booty Hunter" I'm sure he can find a chesty white woman to play Beth Chapman for him. Beth Chapstick. Ya want the job, don't 'cha?

Lascauxcaveman January 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Busty white women who want to be on teevee are a dime a dozen. Or in Beth's case, a dollar a ton.

PubOption January 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

He could move further towards show business, and appear on 'Dancing with the Has-Beens'.

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

Then why isn't that bitch Kardashian running for something?

freakishlywrong January 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Steppin' Fetchit event horizon. GO AWAY.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:48 am

Yes in-deedy doddily-doo.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

Sounds like a dating website.
This is not good.

donner_froh January 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

Damn–you're really fast.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Newt is going to partner with the Herminator so the ladies will have the option of shopping at Tiffany's or riding the bus.

donner_froh January 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

CainConnections.com sounds like the worst dating site ever.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 5, 2012 at 11:27 am

It's for people with low expectations.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xLsRI7-hBs

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

How come this website is for lonely ladies only and asks for my dimensions?

hagajim January 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

Maybe it out to be CainErection?

snackypants January 5, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Raising Cain?

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

I'm sure he will just skip Delaware and the other states that have NO sales tax. Why would anyone there want to be taxed? Cain's douchin' revolution!

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

I just went and looked at his site and he asks people of all the states to get involved. For those states that have no sales tax, fuck you Cain.

snackypants January 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

This is going to be really popular in Oregon, I can just tell.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I'm sure all those retirees in FL are chomping at the bit for that bill to pass, too.

JustPixelz January 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

The income tax was enacted in 1910 with seven brackets. In other words, the progressive income tax started at the same time America emerged as a world economic power. Hasn't it proven itself as an element of our success, helping create a middle-class (which fuels demand for consumer goods), helping afford a network of services businesses can build on?

The Repubicans want to end this winning policy in favor of a flat tax.

It's worth noting that Texas — their current shining city on a hill — has a progressive income tax and "has enacted two new temporary income tax rates … on the highest-income filers". Socialists. OOPS! reading the wrong web site.

Steverino247 January 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

I thought minstrel shows were a thing of the past.

DaRooster January 5, 2012 at 11:24 am

Just what this country needs… more creepy Portable Passion Pits cruising around.

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

eOnceYouGoCainyou'renevertheSame.com

LiveToServeYa January 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

Wasn't profiting from failure a theme of The Producers? I guess it's springtime for Herman and 9-9-9.

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

Don't know which is more appropriate:

"You better free your mind instead"
or
"Don't you know that you can count me out?"

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 11:59 am

Ah, good eye. Lennon-McCartney (well, actually just Lennon, in this case) predicted the Cain Revolution well before the fact. Visionary, he was.

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
For people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
All right, all right
Ah

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah…

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You better free you mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Cain
You ain't going to make it with people with half a brain
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
All right, all right
All right, all right, all right
All right, all right, all right

SexySmurf January 5, 2012 at 11:26 am

If this bus be a rockin' call the cops immediately.

Baconzgood January 5, 2012 at 11:28 am

BUS LIBEL!!!!!!!

Mumbletypeg January 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

It only stands to reason, or even just speculation, that Gloria Cain told Mister to "Hit the road, Jack" and By Jingo he did!

OkieDokieDog January 5, 2012 at 11:29 am

There are probably a couple of states that Cain hasn't touched a woman inappropriately, so this bus tour is just a ruse to fondle. And grift.

EatsBabyDingos January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

Herman who?

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

Did he give the little "catch me fuck me" smile at the end of his interview?

Chillwaver January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am

The question is, will Republicans make him sit on the back of own bus or will he do it voluntarily?

Donner, Party of 1 January 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

Former bus driver, Herman Cain, announced today..

memzilla January 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

“I started a new movement [with cainconnections.com]"
=
"Roger Ailes wouldn't give me a Faux News contract."

Ducksworthy January 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

Of course the website doubles as a Herman Cain dating site featuring a live web cam of Hermie fondling himself.

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

busroulette.com

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

I wonder if the bus has "FREE CANDY" painted on the side.

BarackMyWorld January 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

In the movie version of this election, Cain will be played by Cedric the Entertainer.

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 11:36 am

It's really too bad that Bernie Mac is dead, but Cedric will do.

edgydrifter January 5, 2012 at 11:35 am

Who's the black candidate that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

CAIN!

You're daaaaaaamn wrong.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:50 am

I can dig it.

jqheywood January 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

<Insert funky bass line here>

Goonemeritus January 5, 2012 at 11:36 am

I think Mr. Cain might be surprised how fleeting his fame is. Fore instance I rarely read my monthly John Anderson news letter anymore.

Mumbletypeg January 5, 2012 at 11:48 am

This cracks me up for all kinds of reasons, but I'm laughing too hard to name any of them~

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 12:04 pm

On the other hand, I regularly throw darts at my Ralph Nader dartboard.

Douché January 5, 2012 at 11:36 am

Dibbs on Cainconnections.xxx.

paris biltong January 5, 2012 at 11:37 am

My own connection wold never paste a picture of himself on his car.Too risky.

LesBontemps January 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

Worst. Tourguide. Evar.

Baconzgood January 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

"Sign up for CainConnections.com and see your matches for free"

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Women get dozens of matches, all of them looking like Herman Cain, under different names. With a fake mustache. With a full beard and glasses.. Full beard without glasses. Goatee and monocle. An eye patch. Handlebar mustache and sombrero pulled low ("Ernesto Caino, bandito"). Whiteface makeup….

pinkocommi January 5, 2012 at 11:39 am

Every time Herman Cain says 9-9-9, I feel like calling 9-1-1. Please. Somebody help stop this.

weejee January 5, 2012 at 11:40 am

Grifting, the new Rethuglican dot com bubbleator to take folks to the financial freedomz. IPO in 3, 2, 1…

Texan_Bulldog January 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

Grifting: It's not just for dumb, white women anymore!

freakishlywrong January 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

Remember when F.Scott wrote that there "were no second acts in American Lives"? Fuck. If only.

Chichikovovich January 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I'm pretty sure that what F.S.F meant was not that people don't have second chances, or appear again after leaving, but rather something in the general ballpark of the suggestion that American lives don't feature the kind of conflict and struggle displaying genuine character development and possible self-discovery that happen in second acts.

If that's what he meant, I think he had Cain, Palin, Bachmann, Santorum, Mitt, Newt, etc. nailed.

Joshua Norton January 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

The one-time Republican front-runner

That's not quite as grand as it sounds. All the lizard-brained dipwads who crashed and burned in Iowa were ALL one-time front runners. Depending on what day it was.

Tundra Grifter January 5, 2012 at 11:50 am

JN:

Agreed. It's a bit like saying Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries were on schedule for their 50-year wedding anniversary. For several weeks.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

How big of a loser does that make TPaw, who never got close to leading any polls? Unlike Perry, of course, who continues to lead many poles.

Fare la Volpe January 5, 2012 at 11:41 am

Doing 999 is either the kinkiest or lamest sex act I've ever heard.

hollywooddood January 5, 2012 at 11:43 am

When this thing fails, it's his own damn fault.

johnnymeatworth January 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

This website doesn't say a damn thing about getting my pizza free if I don't have it in 30 minutes.

Maman January 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

He is better off trying to strike a deal with the Maxis people, then he can have a face picture bus in the version of Sim City. His arrival will be the political equivalent of the disasters that are unleashed on your city.

BlueStateLibel January 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

That creepy, creepy smile of his never fails to creep me out.

Fare la Volpe January 5, 2012 at 11:45 am

I got a hold of Herman's profile:

Likes: Women, Bitches, Dames, Broads, Skirts, Hoes, Skanks, Sluts, and Girls-Next-Door

Dislikes: Cameras

Mumbletypeg January 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

Dislikes:..

“…'gotcha' questions; she-cats outa the bag; ‘mystic’ pizza; food servers expecting a decent tip/ living wage; backfired tactics and snakebit strategies;
..Real-life math. It's real hard, in real life…”

widestanceshakedown January 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

Chickenheads preferred (remember, in the south, eatin' ain't cheatin')

Graham Cracker January 5, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Likes: 9s

Dudleydidwrong January 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

The Cain Pizza Bus: delivering pizza, friendly crotch visits, and total batshit insanity to the 50 US states, except for Delaware, New Hampshire, Montana, Alaska, and Oregon which have no sales taxes so that Herman Cain can end their having sales taxes. Wake up, you folks! Herman has a great plan and he's coming to visit you soon.

Herman, you dumb-dumb, was that bus made in the USA?

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

Intelligence is a curse, I mentioned this the other day, regarding Michele. The stupid seem to be unburdened by self-doubt. They often succeed, too, simply because they are too dumb to know that they shouldn't. While Mr. Smarty Pants Prommie, whenever he has an idea, well, he is so fucking smart, that he can think up a million reasons why it won't work, why its too risky, why it wouldn't be prudent. And why bother, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter anyway because success, possessions, all these things are meaningless ephemera, so why chase after them. Its a fucking curse, I tell ya.

Barb January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

I went to bed early last night because I heard about Santorum's idea to allow states to stop people from using birth control. I got a headache that aspirin wouldn't touch. Stupid people annoy me.

JustPixelz January 5, 2012 at 12:03 pm

They howl about "Obamacare", imagining it's a government takeover of medicine, but are blind to their own very real government takeover of lady parts. OK, I'm stating the obvious about the oblivious so I hope you don't think I'm being annoyingly stupid.

FNMA January 5, 2012 at 11:55 am

It's called the Dunning Kruger effect and it seems to have reached epidemic proportions in certain segments of our population. Someone should have a telethon for it.

flamingpdog January 5, 2012 at 11:49 am

Herman Cain: “They think we are stupid."

They're right, Hermie.

CapeClod January 5, 2012 at 11:50 am

The onboard DVD player will be showing "The Pokeman Movie" 24-7. At least when its not showing rough porn.

actor212 January 5, 2012 at 11:50 am

I can see the late-night infomercial now…

"Hey LADIES!

Why don't you drop by CainConnections.comfor some real cheese lovin', hmm? We ahve everything you could want, from true American studs to imported husbands from Uzbekibekibekistanstan. And we deliver it in thirty minutes or less.

We'll throw in a free grope by the delivery boy!

That's CainConnections.com. Just dial 999-…"

Radiotherapy January 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

So much for the whole "spending more time with the family" thing.

Tundra Grifter January 5, 2012 at 11:51 am

"…surrogate sense of self-awareness."

Kirsten, I think I'm in love.

SayItWithWookies January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am

This is like the last time I applied for a job and was turned down before the first interview, and I rented a bus and travelled across the country trying to raise support for the ideas that didn't get me hired. So remember who to thank when you find yourself doing your next job from a hot tub with a bong built into the railing.

Blueb4sunrise January 5, 2012 at 11:55 am

Is this part of the Men in Black 3 promo tour?

soeoho January 5, 2012 at 12:01 pm

9+9+9 = the "Forever 27" club do it not?
Another overdose in the making…

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm

It works like a fucking charm on Sim City.

JustPixelz January 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

" The biggest comment I got when I ended my candidacy was to keep 9-9-9 alive."

The second biggest comment was "I saw how you were looking at that woman in the low-cut dress. Don't even think about it or I'll divorce you faster than Rick Santorum changes sweater vests."

VinnyThePooh January 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

It's easy to get Women for Cain when you have lotsa Caine for Women.

FlownOver January 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I want to be there when Cain parks next to the Girls Gone Wild bus and starts a knock-down-drag-out over who gets to shanghai the various impaired cuties.

OneYieldRegular January 5, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Will it have "Godfurther" as the destination?

But seriously, this is what you get when someone who job it is to approve marketing gimmicks like "Cheesy Cheesy Pepperoni Stix! – 9 for 99 cents for the next 999 hours!" starts dabbling in politics.

An_Outhouse January 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I aborted Herman Cain's love child.

MissTaken January 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I once took a 12 hour bus ride from Guilin to Guangzhou, China with no toilet and chickens and snakes on the roof. That ride made more sense than this.

DerrickWildcat January 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I sure do hope Cain shows up in his Bus where all the candidates are currently campaigning. Like right now in New Hampshire and then South Carolina. That would be oh so much fun.

Antispandex January 5, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Non-campaign bus tours…god, don't you miss those? The news and comments were so much fun back then!

smashedinhat January 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

The CainStain™ persists.

voodooeconomics January 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

cainconnection.com.. where the bitches is at.. Here is the Theme.

"I got hoes in different area codes'

forofor, ninefornine..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvrKzmkdBTI

ttommyunger January 5, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Hermie makes the Kingfish look presidential by comparison.

chicken_thief January 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm

You guys, please. Stop dogging poor Herm.

natoslug January 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I'm pretty sure Sperm's making it available via RedTube, not YouTube.

PalinzADummy January 6, 2012 at 2:33 am

Ya can't dog that low-down hound enough. Bark on, boys. Hell, bite if you wanna.

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